The Unemployment Issue

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FAUCET Vol. 31 no. 7 • January 14th, 2015

The Unemployment Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Vladimir Putin Faraz Oman The Saudis David Bailey Faraz Oman Shale Oilers Daniel Galef David Bailey Frederick Chagnon Liam Duff-Meadwell Oil Sanders Niloofar Khoshsiyar Celestine Hong (Cover) Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 31 no. 7 Wednesday, January 14th, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editor: The New Year has come upon us and most of us have already given up our resolutions. But as add/drop nears we must brace ourselves for another demandingsemester. That’s not necessarily a bad thing though because… The Faucet is back baby!

We have started a week late because we were tworking on some new layout designs which you can expect to see unveiled in the next issue. We thank Ed Jerjian and Daniel Keresteci (from a long time ago) for creating the current layout, which has stood the test of time. But all good things must come to an end!

With the new semester we will be welcoming some new members, and we invite anyone who would like to join our crew to send us an email at faucet@mcgilleus.ca. We appreciate articles of any kind. Even if you haven’t been to a single meeting yet, don’t be shy! We’ve got your back.

Speaking of our Faucet members, I would like to thank all the people who have worked with me on the Faucet, and especially those who helped me when I needed it. I am resigning as Editor-In-Chief at The Plumber’s Faucet, and I will no longer be crafting The Faucet.

I would also like to show my gratitude to all the readers who make The Faucet what it is. Thank you for everything, and I will see you at the end.

For the last time,

-Faraz Oman

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3

Catching the Exercise Bug

by Daniel Galef

Leander emerged from the azure waters of the Dardanelles, shaking the salt drops from his golden locks. Hero looked on in rapture and ran to meet him at the Greek shore. “Oh, my love,” said Hero, “To think that you are risking life and limb so that you might win my heart!”

“Alas, no,” he replied. “Aquatic exercise is supposed to be extremely beneficial to the metabolism.”

And before she could answer, he dove back into the famous strait and breaststroked off again.

The marble porticos of Athens gleamed golden in the light from the setting sun, and the magistrates were deep in session when a cry arose from the city gates. It was the messenger Pheidippides, having just arrived on foot from the battlefield at Marathon.

“Pheidippides!” exclaimed the assembly of Athens, “Have you come to tell us of the outcome of our war with the Persians?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Pheidippides. “Now don’t delay me, for I need to gauge a consistent average time or I will have wasted my money on this electronic ankle pedometer.” And with that, he jogged away in the direction of Megara.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair,” crooned the fair prince, and so Rapunzel did. In full armour, the prince shimmied up the tresses, but when Rapunzel moved to kiss her suitor, he just as quickly shimmied back down. Then back up.

“But what on earth are you doing?” cried the vexed princess.

“Why, developing and toning my bipeds and quadrilaterals, of course,” retorted the fair prince.

“How else do you expect me to qualify for next year’s Olympic team?” And he continued to shimmy for the rest of the day.

The beetle-green phial had scarcely left Romeo’s lips when his love awoke with a start, bolting upright on the cold sarcophagus. “Oh, no!” lamented Juliet.

“If only I had woken but a moment earlier, then you wouldn’t have drunk that quickest poison! Now I shall surely be forced to follow suit, such that we may at last be reunited in whatever lies beyond this vale!”

“Oh, pshaw.” sniffed the Italian prince, and proffered the phial for his paramour, pointing in particular to the printed FDA label. “It’s only a vitamin supplement. Don’t be so melodramatic. I can’t keep up all these duels to the death if I remain a ninety-seven-pound milquetoast.” The Capulet fainted dead away.

Glancing resignedly at the flap of the tent, Captain Oates grimly put aside his strand of pemmican and addressed the remaining members of the expedition.

“I am just going outside and may be some time,” he said, turning away from his three companions and heading out into the harsh Antarctic blizzard.

Captain Scott stood wearily and saluted. “Your sacrifice will live on in history, I will assure it.”

“What are you going on about? Haven’t you any idea of the advisability of cold-clime Nordic-style power-walking? They say it’s better even than an elliptical machine and is eighty-seven percent calorie-efficient. Now, if you’ll be so kind, please hand me my ergonomic, rubber-tipped, telescoping carbon fiber sauvakavely poles.” And Captain Oates trekked off into the six-month sunset.

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Things to do with Cheap Oil

by Liquid Giggles

Now that oil is once again significantly less expensive than milk, we can return to using in the wasteful ways of the good old days. Unfortunately, it has been so expensive for so long that maybe you have forgotten all the things you can do with that sweet, sweet, $0.88/L nectar. Well, have no fear, because I have some tips that can start you off.

1. Buy a hummer. Doesn’t matter if you only use it to pick up groceries, because the size of your truck is the only thing that can keep your family safe. The bigger your vehicle in an accident, the safer you will be - that’s just Newton’s laws. Now that you are no longer limited by fuel efficiency, you can enter the big-truck arms race. Bigger truck = bigger penis = safer penis.

And just for fun, you can get rid of the muffler and catalytic converter, because people will definitely be able to avoid accidents with you if they can hear your truck and see the black flumes from a long distance.

2.

Stockpile gas for the next price jump. Just fill up as many jerry cans, water bottles, watering cans, and dog bowls as possible, and put them wherever you have space in house. The nursery is a good option, as baby usually stays in the crib and doesn’t need the rest of the room.

3. Emulate old-school engineering students like myself, and just drink that shit like it was a good ale. It feels very nice on the pallet, has a strong aftertaste, and makes for a very stimulating evening.

4. Take the money you save on gas, and invest it in re-

search into more sustainable green technol... meh, who am I kidding, what sort of schmuck is going to do that?

5.

Heat your house with oil. If you have an oil furnace, this is pretty easy, but you can always just burn it in a barrel and open a window to let the smoke out. If you’re using an oil furnace, open the window anyway so that you can get some fresh air. Just burn more oil so that you don’t get cold - you can afford the best now.

Amazon.ca is one company which is embracing low oil prices. I ordered 120 pairs of ear plugs, and Amazon.ca decided to deliver 30 packages of 4, and give me free delivery. I guess the oil surcharge on deliveries really dropped.

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5

Explaining the Oil Collapse

by Liquid Giggles

Well, oil’s cheap again. Last time prices were this low, you were probably just a squirt out of your daddy’s cock. Why is this happening? Economists might offer some explanations, but as 1929, 1987, 2000, 2008, and many other dates prove, their careers are just about making up plausible-sounding stories in hindsight.

So what really caused the crash? Some people will say it’s a conspiracy by the United States to punish Russia, or a conspiracy by the Saudis to disrupt US shale oil. These are possibilities I suppose, but they say that the truth is always stranger than fiction, which means that these conspiracy theories clearly do not go far enough. I decided to do some in-depth research, and I can now present to you the REAL most likely reasons for the oil collapse:

1.

Oil companies decided they already have enough money, and voluntarily cut prices.

2. Until last month, environmental radicals secretly controlled gas prices, and had them set high to bring in money for environmental research programs, for fictional problems like global warming. These are essentially a scheme to funnel tax dollars into the coffers of liberal, pro-weed, apostate, homosympathising scientists. Now that the Republicans control the US Senate, they have quietly put an end to this pernicious reign of terror.

climates. She fancies the Middle East, and since high oil prices bring in funds for groups like ISIS which are causing so much trouble, she decided that cutting the prices might cool things down a bit.

5. You are the star of the Truman Show, and the pro-

ducers think it would be entertaining if you went on a road trip. All the massive geopolitical forces shifting around you have been designed to lower gas prices so that you can finally afford to drive to Disney World.

6.

Investors realize that green technology is developed enough that the world will not be dependent on oil for much longer, so it is therefore a bad investment.

7. The Faucet is planning on using a number of vod-

ka-based cocktails at its next Faucet Social, and being the true controllers of the economy as we are, we felt that a hilarious way to drive down the price of vodka would be slash the value of the Russian ruble, which is highly dependent on the price of oil and gas.

8. SSMU Club’s stance against oil and gas investment has finally paid off. Major investment firms have taken note, and have divested completely, which has caused the industry to take a nosedive.

3. At some point in 2008 during

the war in Iraq, America broke a mirror, probably due to a drone.

Breaking a mirror brings 7 years bad luck, which began with the Recession. It is now 2015, so the 7 years is up. High oil prices are bad for America overall, so this is part of a fresh return of luck.

4. Queen Elizabeth II, shadow

ruler of the earth, is getting old and wants to relocate to warmer

Who said economics doesn’t equal entertainment?

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PUBLICATIONS PERSONIFICATIONS The McGill Magazines and Newspapers if They Were People

by Daniel Galef, art by Niloofar Khoshsiyar

Plumber’s Pot

The Plumber’s Faucet

The Plumber’s Ledger

The Laughing Martlet

McGill Daily See? I’m ‘hip’! I’m wearing a baseball cap!

The Bull and Bear

Shoot us both, Spock! It’s the only way to be sure!

Steps

The Veg

h, Hearts full of yout h! ut tr Hearts full of

McGill News

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7

New Year’s Resolutions for Underachievers

by Daniel Galef

1. I resolve to attend at least 35% of my scheduled classes (that aren’t recorded, anyway).

2. I resolve to only share answers for the even questions on my calc homework.

3. I resolve to get a real pot for my hotplate so I don’t have to keep using the door handle duct-taped to my Engineering hardhat.

4. I resolve to get a good night’s sleep before exams, even if that means doing so during lectures.

5. I resolve to actually do or pretend to do all homework (unless I am at least pretty certain it won’t be collected).

6. I resolve not to fraternize with arts students unless I absolutely am forced to by unwelcome circumstances.

7. I resolve to join a gym and not go to it, or possibly to go to a gym but not do anything there, whichever seems the most like actual effort.

8. I resolve to limit my addictive drug intake to alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine, albeit obscene quantities of all three.

9. I resolve not to deliberately fail any tests just to get free ice cream at Frostbite.

10. I resolve to get my GPA to a number greater than Euler’s constant. I would say greater than pi, but then I would have to remember what that is. Not just for the article, but probably for the GPA. 11. I resolve to keep at least one of my resolutions this year (but almost certainly not this one).

Recollections of 2014 2065 is upon us, and we privileged and lucky few, the McGill alumni who survived the Third European Fiasco of 2027 and That Thing That Almost Killed Everybody Again, have gathered here for our fiftieth reunion. We can now look back on our fleeting college days; it is in the serenity of age and displacement and the assuring foreknowledge of experience that we call to mind that turbulent twelvemonth that fell snugly between 2013 and 2016 (I am sure I do not have to mention the Year That Did Not Occur, or the terrible events that lead to its censoring from the calendar forevermore): I speak, yea verily and indeed, of 2014.

Who could forget when all of those planes were found in the secret hanger where Kim Jong-un stored all of the copies of The Interview, or when shortly after, ISIS was taken down by the rampant Ebola, and the Ferguson and Occupy protesters joined forces and declared unilateral sovereinty. Not to mention the first (okay, third) inklings of the coming campaigns, earlier every year until 2044 when they actually began before the previous election.

Yes, it all seemed so chaotic and turbulent at the time, but how we would fondly remember, in the years to follow, that peculiar feeling of suspecting one is be-

by Daniel Galef

ing watched, before the anticlimax of simply knowing that one always is. Or the friendly neighborhood beat cop, who at least had the common decency to conceal his rocket-launchers and handheld electrocution units underneath his hat. Or air. I think I really would have appreciated air more had I realized it was a privilege, not a right.

Of course, those days are long behind us, and, as I write this introduction to the holo-pamphlet to be distributed by the armed edu-droids during the opening ceremonies of this, our academic jubilee, it is with a heavy heart (and not just because we have all been implanted with nuclear-driven cardiac capacitors following the Blood Wars of the West) yet an eye to the future. The present graduating class of 2065 has enjoyed a very different upbringing, with their memories and consciousness backed up in the public extended cloud storage, and their cultural input reduced to $5 billion advertising jingles. But who knows how things will have changed by the time they, too, reconvene after a half a century and look back on the world that they once understood.

-New Baltimore, Ontario, 19:44, 2065

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How to Design a Craft Beer Outside of Quebec

by Liquid Giggles Hello bonjour! It is I, the most successful craft brewer Ontario has ever seen, and today I will share with you my secrets. I hail from Quebec, and it was hard for me to adjust to the brewing scene outside La Belle Province. Back home, I would brew a tasty beer in small batches, name it after some obscure character from Quebec folklore, slap on a label from my inkjet printer, and sell it at the nearest dep. To my surprise, it was a totally different ballgame in Ontario, but I eventually came up with a recipe for success. Let me share with you how to design a craft brew outside of Quebec:

Step 1: Go Old School Choose a quirky object or profession that was characteristic of anytime between 1805 and 1959. This was the time of gentlemen, and will appeal to the male baby-boomers who are your primary target market.

Bonus points if the item has something to do with gentlemanly endeavors, like war and hunting. Good examples would be frigate, Napoleon, rail spike, Sopwith Camel, or steamship. For us, we are going to use Winchester, the type of rifle.

Step 2: Be Quirky (optional) Choose an adjective that will make your noun sound quirky. Like rusty, or renegade. For our Winchester, we are going to transform it into “Big Game Winchester”, so that we can build up a hunting theme.

Step 3: Pretend to Art Make an interesting image to accompany your name.

This is the single most important thing that will determine how well your beer sells. You want something with relatively bright colours, and you can consider using humour or modern art styles so that it catches the eye and is old-timey-yet-fun.

Step 4: Abuse History Make up a back-story for your beer. Find a somewhat interesting historical story vaguely related to your beer name, and print that on a can, explaining that it inspired the beer. For example, John Henry Patterson was a British Officer who hunted down a couple lions known as the “Tasavo Man-Eaters”. So for our Big Game Winchester, we are going to summarize his life in a couple lines, and say that “Big Game Winchester embodies the fearless grit displayed by Patterson, and we know he would have proudly shared one with us”.

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Step 5: Capitalize Be a major brewery like Labatt or Molson, or sell your idea to them. In many places, especially Ontario, that’s the only way you are going to get the government monopoly to stock your beer. You need marketing might behind your product – quality is an afterthought.

Step 6: “Brew” Make your beer. If you make it in the style of a porter, IPA, or pretty much any beer that isn’t blond, just use the cheapest processes and ingredients necessary to put out an alcoholic beverage in that style. Your customers are going to think they are tasting quality as long as you tell them it’s quality, because they probably don’t have a wealth of experience with these beer types.

If you make a blond beer, all you need to do is make sure that it tastes really different than Blue, Budweiser, Coors, or any of that other watery crap. The best way is to just load it with hops. Doesn’t matter how obnoxiously hoppy the beer is – customers think that hoppiness is directly correlated to quality, and that tolerating very hoppy beer is a sign of sophistication.

On that note, up the alcohol content to above 6% if you can. It doesn’t matter if this just overpowers the flavours. Your customers want to live the fantasy that they are strong manly-men, because they enjoy stronger beer than their softer cousins in whichever country or state is immediately to the south. So when they have a sip of a hoppy 12% beer that shoots a deer slug into the taste buds, they’ll just think that the graceless assault is the taste of manhood. And if it has a good ring to it, you can throw the prefix “Imperial” onto your beer name, because Imperial sounds manly, and technically does denote higher alcohol content. So for our example, we could have an Imperial Big Game Winchester Stout.

Step 7: Commercialize, then Decommercialize Sell for $2.50 in a tallboy can or pint-sized bottle, and use the money you earn to buy Scotch. Because even though the beer industry is a lost cause of commercialisation, Scotch is still the realm of small-time gentlemanly traditionalists.

Imperial

Big Game Winchester

STOUT 12.3%

from deepest Africa

9

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Genghis Khan: A Hero Before Our Time?

by Lorenzo von Matterhorn

It’s no secret that Genghis Khan is a polarizing figure. He is beloved by Mongolians and despised by the Chinese. Due to his incredible life story, Genghis Khan has always interested me. One night, I decided to set out and do a little research, scouring not only his Wikipedia article, but also the entire first page of Google search results. I found something: Genghis Khan wasn’t a monster or a maniac. He was a visionary, a savior, a hero. Not necessarily the hero we deserve, but the hero we need.

Genghis Khan was born Temujin to a pair of rich socialites in the rural town of Notgothamcity in 1162.

His father was the founder and CEO of a company specializing in the production of horse saddles and weird looking mud huts. His mother was given no screen time so let’s just forget about her. At a young age, Temujin’s parents were murdered, leaving him alone and in the care of their butler, Penny Alfredworth. The death of his parents severely affected young master Temujin, leaving him vulnerable and paranoid. He lost the love of his life and wallowed his days away, until he gained access to the secret weapons division of his father’s company. There he found advanced weaponry such as bows, swords, horses, people on horses shooting arrows, horses on people shooting swords, and 5000 tanks. He took everything but the tanks and left, determined to make the world a better place. Gone was Temujin, the reclusive, playboy billionaire. Enter Genghis “Khanman” Khan, defender of the peace, righteous hero, and badass motherfucker.

One of Khanman’s first orders of business was to avenge his parents’ death. He hung out in the criminal underbelly of Notgothamcity, searching for clues that might lead him to the killer. He soon discovered that his father’s rival, the owner of a competing company that made weird looking straw huts, had given the kill order. Khanman tracked him down and cornered him in a dimly-lit alleyway. As he drove his sword deep into the man’s poophole, he muttered a quick,

witty one-liner with a really weird raspy voice. It was the first time he killed, and it wouldn’t be his last.

Above all, Khanman was a philosophizer – a real artsy fellow. He thoroughly enjoyed long walks on the beach, staring into the horizon with his hands in his pockets, weird haircuts, thick beards, and Pabst Blue Ribbon (“because it just tastes right”). From those traits alone, you might think that he truly was a psychopath. However, he also had a soft side, mainly for the environment. He appeared in many “I’d rather go naked then wear fur” ads, pioneered the use of organic mud in his company’s mud huts, and invented what we now call the gluten free diet (although his version was slightly different. I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with mannibalism). He was cool before it was cool to be cool.

Two depictions of Ghengis Khan. Ancient (left) and modern (right) It was from this background that Khanman next set his sights on a very important issue, one that affects us more than ever in the 21st century: global warming. One day, during his daily 500 kilometer jog, Khanman thought about the rising global population and all the waste that was being created. He wanted to leave a world his 103 571 children could enjoy, and set out to save the planet.

He and his followers tried to lower emissions and

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reduce waste any way they could: they would chain themselves to the only tree on the Mongolian steppes, they came up with the Reuse Your Spear© program, and they even donated 20$ to the World Wildlife Fund, receiving a free t-shirt in the process. Khanman campaigned and campaigned and campaigned but still, no one listened. He had no other choice but to destroy them all.

He tore through Asia, and in the name of Mother Nature killed over 40 million people, or almost 11% of the world’s population. In fact, he killed so many people that the average temperature is estimated to have dropped by 1 degree. I’m not kidding, that’s actually true - look it up. As you can clearly see, Khanman was a crazy murderer, but it was all for the greater good. He knew that the warming of the globe would raise the sea level, which would have dire effects on the landlocked country of Mongolia. Those that died were but necessary sacrifices to ensure his people’s survival.

This brings up an interesting point, especially giv-

11

en our current situation. The mean global temperature has risen considerably as well as the concentration of CO2 and other pollutants in the atmosphere.

So far, we have been unsuccessful at combating this growing problem. Maybe we’re going about it the wrong way. In these troubled times, perhaps we must all ask ourselves, what would Genghis Khan do?

Artist’s dipiction of Earth after the 1 degree drop in temperatures

Shivering Through Poseidon’s Month

by Daniel Galef to Anacreon in heaven (but definitely NOT to the tune of ~) As this frosted snow-scape from our erstwhile verdant lush, so too this transubstantiates to icy, dirty slush, easier to slip on than an oiled banana peel.

The salts eat through your boots until you’re naked at the heel, and spit their spite at soles of souls that hurry through the sleet.

Tearing forms Prince Rupert’s Drops that shatter in the street.

I passed a snowman in the meadow, called it Parson Brown; ‘My boots froze to the walk last night!’ We had to cut him down.

The snow crept up our wall last night, and buried three whole stories; I stepped across the steppe from the veranda through the flurries.

‘The glacier’s knocking in the cupboard.’ Too true! It froze the pipes!

I have no wish to conquer time, but still I’d have no gripes to skip this winter altogether (plus all to come, and former), and wake in balmy springtime, when it’s all a wee bit warmer.

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The Interview that went Sour

by O.G Portillo

This is about two of the worst criminals to have ever walked the Earth. Nearly 300 years later, it is conservatively estimated these two are indirectly caused the death of nearly 1 billion humans, several million cows, 4.318 x 107 insects and rodents, 3 dolphins, 17 cats, and worst of all, the last remaining unicorn.

It is rare to see individuals have such a profound and lasting impact upon society. The last such individual was probably the mythical protagonist of the bestselling book of all time that sparked a worldwide cult following. But I am not here to talk about Harry Potter. Today’s lesson in history is about the vilified duo of Seth Rogen and James Franco.

The year was 2014. Relations between the country formally known as North Korea and the United States were frigid at best. However, due to a lack of oil on North Korean soil, the United States government decided that the small Asian country didn’t need more freedom or democracy, and so a fragile peace remained in place.

Everything changed when the combined geniuses of Seth Rogen and James Franco (in all likelihood after consumptions of enough weed to keep the economy of Afghanistan afloat for a few years) decided to interview the North Korean Supreme Leader. It was quite a noble goal until they were captured by North Korean soldiers and declared spies. Under the impression that both of them were American citizens (and believing real life was just like a game of Risk©), North Korea threatened to execute their hostages unless the US agreed to give them Alaska.

Like the two grown men that the President and the Supreme Leader (both noted basketball fans) were, they decided to settle their differences the only way they knew always worked: a game of H.O.R.S.E. The winner would keep Seth Rogen and James Franco, and the loser would need to

apologize and get a loaf of bread for his troubles.

The game would be obviously be televised. No one was to be killed, and the Illuminati old rich white men the media conglomerates would get plenty of ad revenue. Unless someone did something stupid, everyone would win on all counts.

The game was in its final stages. Both players were at H.O.R.S. One more missed shot and the game would be over. The tension was unbelievable. Supreme Leader goes and makes the shot.

If the President misses, Seth Rogen and James Franco stay in North Korea forever. Thinking it would be hilarious, Seth Rogen and James Franco (as if they were sharing the same brain) channeled their inner Hakeem Olajuwon, then leaped up and blocked the President’s shot. The crowd was stunned and silenced. In the confusion that followed, Seth Rogen and James Franco managed to escape. No one has seen them since.

The rest, as they say, is History. World War Three had been all but declared. The next decade was dark indeed. Armed conflict escalated throughout the world, starvation and diseases spread overnight. On that day, civilization as it was known at the time collapsed. The war only ceased when there was nothing left to break.

So kids, this is why it is important to keep working on bettering ourselves, keeping the world safe, and enjoying the peace so hardly gained. Seth Rogen and James Franco are still out there. You never when Seth Rogen and James Franco will show up again and take it all away.

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13

Ancient Engineering Relics:

Articles from the Plumber’s Pot The Plumber’s Pot was McGill’s Engineering humour paper, and it flourished from the 50s until the late 80s, when the Dean decided it had finally gone too far and issued a ban. Though the Pot probably did go a bit too far at times, it’s still a big part of our history, and there are many gems of humour that can be found in the archives. Every now and then, the Faucet republishes some of these, and for this issue we have a couple articles from the September 29th, 1976 issue. Check out this page and the next!

Engineers Repent Too often in the past, the Pot has treated many non-engineering faculties unfairly. Seeking to rectify this deplorable situation, we the editors have decided to publish descriptions of the more challenging courses from some of these much-maligned departments. Hopefully, this will have the effect of demonstrating to engineers the degree of intelligence and dedication that the successful student in these faculties possesses.

This issue: Physical Education and Management.

University of McGill Faculty of Physical Education: 189-219A – Advanced Mathematics

Tailored specifically to the needs and abilities of Phys.

Ed. Students, 189-219A covers such challenging topics as counting up to 20 using fingers and toes, use of the two times table, and math cheat sheets.

434-264B – Sex Education Demonstration Techniques

Emphasizing modern approaches, course 434-264B will enable the student to accurately instruct pupils at the high school level. Classes convene in cabbage patch 34-C, Macdonald Campus.

434-523ZZZ – Advanced Motor Skill Acquisition

Designed solely for the personal enrichment of the more progressive student, 434-523ZZZ seeks to enhance motor skill acquisition ability. Students are graded on crawling techniques and the ability to feed and dress themselves. Optional activities for the more promising students include the use of bathroom facilities by him-her-it self.

of sucking, innate to phys. ed. students. Students will therefore concentrate on blowing.

434-308B – Reading Methods

Students will gather in Molson Stadium carrying torches, then throw their books in a great pile and burn them.

434-665D – Doing Bugger All

Emphasis is placed upon the student avoiding all possible forms of work. Students will gather for classes conducted by artsy guest lecturers. Optional 1-2 hour exam.

University of McGill Faculty of Management: A peak at several specialized courses: IBCS 201 -International Ball Crusher Study

A detailed, in-depth and general obnoxious study of the feasibility, practicality, and erogeneity of this remarkable and effective device.

SOB 500 – Stocks or Bonds

Consists of a 96 hour marathon encounter with the sophisticated game of Stock Ticker (by Parker Sisters), at the end of which the students will have (or should have) decided… who will dice first.

A-C 1,2,3 – A-Counting 1 2 3

Students will be required to supply a set of coloured blocks. They will then proceed by chartered bus, escorted by police, to Niagara Falls, where they will toss the blocks into the falls once by one, and count (in English) up to 10. Any student who makes a mistake gets thrown in.

434-604C – Remedial Whistling

AM 65? – Advanced Marketing

Recognizing the importance of whistling to attract attention when conducting classes, the administration has instituted a course designed to correct the habit

Consists of a field study at the local supermarket where students will study the mating habits of the cashier, observing in particular their sex (it may be helpful to think, and take notes, not necessarily at the same time).

14 the plumber’s FAUCET Another Article from the Sept 29th, 1976 edition of the Pot

An Overview of the Engineering Disciplines [well, most of them]

Is your mental and physical health endangered?

Yes, YOU may currently be suffering from Latent Artsman Syndrome. The existence of this threat to the well-being of engineers has been common knowledge for decades, but little has been known of the exact nature of this dreaded disease.

Research desperately conducted at engineering faculties in major universities worldwide has just recently led to startling breakthroughs in this field, and the Plumber’s Pot has just received details on the Five Warning Signs of Latent Artsman Syndrome; -Do you spend hours puzzling over math problems that used to require only five minutes of thought?

-Do you experience an overwhelming urge to pick your nose and swallow the effluence?

-Are you losing interest in your current girlfriends and find yourself overcome with lust at the sight of your neighbour’s beagle?

-Are you unable to hold liquor of any kind, and now find yourself getting off on Coke?

-Have you suddenly developed a taste for food served in the cafeteria?

At the urging of the E.U.S., quarantine stations are presently being set up throughout the McConnell and Macdonald buildings. The recently established Engineering Safety Commission is maintaining day and night patrols, scrutinizing engineers for the above-mentioned warning signs, and placing those who are afflicted under quarantine.

Watch for further developments in future issues of the Pot!

by: Lorenzo von Matterhorn Mechanical Engineering The most renowned and well known of engineering disciplines. When you tell your aunt or grandma you’re studying engineering, this is what they will automatically assume you’re in. Because of this, people in Mech Eng are, most of the time, stuck up bitches.

Civil Engineering Much like Mechanical, Civil is a well-respected branch of engineering. However, the people here are way better and much cooler. This information has not been affected by the fact that I’m in Civil.

Chemical Engineering Lots of traction today due to the oil and gas industry.

More and more people are studying this branch. Also due to well-paying internships, these are the guys and girls you want to befriend, or potentially just, ahem, “get to know better”.

Software Engineering This branch is picking up steam as well. Practically every company today is some shitty tech startup, and they need plenty of shitty software engineers. Basically a bunch of script kiddies with expensive Apple products.

Electrical Engineering Another important branch of engineering. Not really sure what these people do, but surely they can’t be as awesome as Civil Engineers (really, those guys are great!)

Mining Engineering The party animals of engineering. They don’t care about their livers because they know their lungs will give out in twenty years anyways. Might as well party while you’re young.

the plumber’s FAUCET

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