The SSMU Club Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 31 no. 5 • November 13th, 2014

The SSMU Club Issue

The Career Hunting Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Heditor Faraz Oman Daily Editors David Bailey Faraz Oman Speakers of the GA Frederick Chagnon Dilafza Haydaraliyeva Daniel Galef Adam Pickersgill Luis Pombo David Bailey Anonymous SSMU Club Members Celestine Hong (Cover) Jenny Kim Matt Wolf Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 31 no. 5 Thursday, November 13th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editor: Midterms are over and beer shall now be drunk. It has been hard to make it this far, but here you are. Two months are gone, and we are almost at the end of the semester. By the way , when is Fall Reading Week? Or did I miss that? In lighter news, the circus that is the SSMU Clubhouse has been acting up again. This time they made bold stands against oil, war, and budget cuts, with the backing of thousands of students who spent about as much time thinking about the issues on the election ballot as they spend reading the SSMU Club listserv. But a SSMU Club statement holds about as much sway as the Republican Party in Sweden, so let’s limit the paper we waste writing about them to the cover and two articles. This is Issue 5, but we aren’t done for the year! Expect one more before the holidays, when you will be in dire need of exam-time procrastination. And look forwards to the New Year, as we may be dabbling with a new look. Have no fears, if we make a change, the Faucet will still look as unprofessional as it always has. Every time I come to write my letter to you all, or at least those of you who read this, I wonder how I manage to go on and write about nothing too important. Half of what I write has no meaning or focus, and is basically just filler. But I think I managed to avoid that this time! Anyway, we have some good articles for you, and I don’t think they are too mentally scarring. So enjoy! And if you are interested in writing for us, I welcome you to email me at faucet@mcgilleus.ca - we are always looking for writers! Enjoy the rest of the semester!

-Faraz Oman

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Militarize McGill! by Liquid Giggles

SSMU Club has finally taken a bold stand against military research. As long as we’re going to be killing each other anyway, it would be very unsporting if we didn’t use the same sticks and stones as our enemies. War is a game, and everyone deserves a fair chance! Unfortunately, McGill is in a budget crunch, and that is no game. While Demilitarize McGill and other pinkos are yabbering about what props are going to be used next in the 6 o’clock action films on BBC and CNN, there are REAL people suffering from a bad case of TA shortages and big class sizes. Fortunately, I have worked out a way for us to balance the budget, if we can just get our priorities straight. We need to militarize McGill.

managed that they last decades and cost tens of billions. About $27 billion was spent between 1989 and 2008 developing the Bell V-22 Osprey, which only kind-of works. If McGill had that contract, the $1.35 billion/year influx of cash would almost double our budget. And for all the money we receive, we can get away with delivering cheap, mediocre products. Kind of like granting Arts Degrees. Now, I don’t actually recommend botching up these military contracts. The more contracts we complete, the cooler our contracts will get. Right now, we design airplane de-icing technology that can be used on drones. If we really leverage our reputation as a university, we might be able to get them to trust us with designing crossbows or something - and that would only be the beginning. In the future, we could develop stealth drones, weather control technology, commandos who can travel through the internet – all the cool stuff an eight year old can imagine. The more we make, the more we get paid, and the cooler stuff we get to make. Everyone’s a winner!

example, the Chinese government would be happy to shell out for some military secrets – their hackers will steal them eventually one way or another, so we might as well earn some bank. And if you find that somehow immoral, we can always get CSIS and the CIA to pay us to go double-agent, thus doubling our espionage gains. Now, this military shift extends beyond research. Like the McGill administration, a military industrial complex is complex. Fortunately, defense ministries around the world have found ways to cope. It is said that in the US, tens (even hundreds) of billions of dollars are wasted annually in defective equipment, excess ammunition, and bloated contracts. If McGill could be half this efficient, we might finally be able to afford to stop gouging first-years with $1401 rent (La Citadelle, single-room). In the classroom, grades will go up as being truant is reclassified as going AWOL, and the penalty for an F grade is court martial. A common dress code and shaved heads will put everyone on an equal footing, thus solving all equity issues. A military fitness program for students will also go a long way to supporting our varsity teams, and if we can get the football team to NCAA level, we can start to rake in the college sports cash.

The military is a big source of If we’re going to have an army, it If we’re really tight on cash, it’s easy money. The US spends huge might as well be well-equipped, and amounts of funds developing equip- not just friendly governments that McGill might as well be the school ment, and some projects are so mis- will pay for our technology. For to equip them. Militarize McGill!

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Homer: the Three Stages of Beard and the Three Stages of Life. by Daniel Galef

Homer’s peach fuzz

Homer’s stubble

Homer’s beard

From the Dec 4th, 2001 Issue one was quite seriously considered, along with a convey11 Ways to MAKE er belt and a security guard asking students what their MCAT scores are (since, naturally, all science students McGill Beautiful want to get into medicine). The belt would bring any unThe McGill Physical Development Committee (MPDC) has been entertaining the thought of connecting the Otto Mass building to the rest of the underground city of Montreal. This would simply entail creating a tunnel under Sherbrooke and would benefit the entire McGill student population. Unfortunately, along with the project to build a ski lift to the Wong Building, this project was permanently shelved this year. Attached is a list of other underground connections which were also recently not approved.

successful applicants to the dentistry buildings.

• Connecting Leacock to the Library: Arts students don't need to go to study so it would be useless to even bother.

• Management to Jean Coutu: Hey look! Jumbo hair gel for 99¢!

• Connecting Religious Studies to Bronfinan: Since management students are inherently evil, this wouldn't pass very well with religious studies students.

• The Plumbers Faucet to the Daily: I'd love to put some money on those Faucet boys on a one-on-one cage fight with the Daily editors. • Shatner to itself: have you ever seen a SSMU Exec out of their little bubble of influence? • Music to St Catherine: Hey you can actually make enough shiny coins to buy a burger from the art students at McDonald's.

• Connecting Engineering to anything: As the engineering buildings are practically self sufficient, and going home can essentially be called "time between labs" (hell I haven't left the buildings or been home in weeks!) these connections would be self-defeating. Also, those showers in the basement ensure minimum contact with the outside world (mmm ... computer tan) • Connecting the Steward Bio to McIntyre Medicine: This

• Education to the Gym: The connection would be especially useful for those education students who get lost going to class from the weight room. • Connecting the Arts Building to the McDonald's Training Camp: This one is still pending ... • Nursing to Rehab: How much morphine can one person have?

by Double-O, Energizer, and SnM

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I Guana Ask You a Question by I Guana Lay Más Pipeline

Who are you, and what have you done with Tribaholic? - Concerned student I am whoever you want me to be, my boy. As for Tribaholic, I convinced Tribaholic to take an early retirement from the taxing efforts of writing for the Faucet to allow fresh blood to take the position. But you are a fourth-year graduating in May...

Silence! My reptilian rule shall not be challenged by a mere mortal! What can I find around my apartment that will make me look attractive? - Single Sam A roommate. According to the bastion of journalistic integrity that is Business Insider, a psychological study found that the “cheerleader effect” does in fact exist. Apparently “bad” traits get averaged out when people are looking at a group, and thus people think you are more attractive than you actually are. If you are a lonely soul without a roommate, then a case of beer will probably do the job. Failing that, clothes can help in hiding that beer gut of yours.

What is the best way to prevent a hangover? - Rowdy first year

“When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow” - some random d00d on the internet. By induction, it is possible to prove that if you never stop drinking, you will continuously borrow the happiness from the following day. In other words, just keep on drinking. Though your last day on Earth will probably be the worst hangover to ever hit someone. Is the era of Messi’s football class over after his poor performances in the last year? - Wannabe football fan Listen, you fool. People like you who claim Messi has dropped in his level need to check their goddamned privilege. The man is still the most dangerous player in the game and not for the same reasons as Suarez. That being said, you either die a Ronaldinho, or live long enough to see yourself become Torres. If Luis Suarez bites someone and the ref doesn’t see it, did it really happen? - U3 Philosophy No.

Faucet Condoms - A Poem My friends would get quite a good kick If ever they knew where she took my tip We stumbled into McConnell, so drunk and quite late For Gerts had had its effect and we needed to mate The passion that ensued and the lieu of the crime Were great until it became clear that it was condom time We searched our disheveled clothes looking for one thing But the only sexual object that came up was my pink cock ring

Tried, tested, true, and real. $2.50, from your friendly neighbourhood Fauceteer

Use this wisely he said, and tell me how it fairs To other latex instruments, I must know how it compares Thanking the heavens I held it up in the air Rushing back to my lady, I prayed it wouldn’t tear

I ran to the Office, leaving her in her drawers And saw Liquid Giggles, as I crashed through the doors Seeing my desperation and wanting to help He gave me something to put below the belt

The events that followed left us both in a hot mess But I’ll save you the details, your imagination will do the rest Upon reading this story you may think my morals are spent But to recount this grand epic of lust I had her consent

Though any evidence of our crime has now been consumed, All those broken boxes that our passion abused This is not quite the story Giggles wanted me to tell you, All he wanted was a Faucet condom review.

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An Apple Falls from the Sky: Terrorist Attack Foiled by Liquid Giggles

Breaking news from the Montréal: all passengers and crew have survived a crash landing of a Boeing 767 in the St. Lawrence. Authorities allege that the crash was the result of the actions of Jason Willems, a well-known apple fanboy and member of terrorist organization ISiS (International Society for iDevice Supremacy). Details have emerged from passengers of how the attack occurred. US Airways Flight 465 was headed to Seattle this morning, and it is reported that when passengers were asked to turn off all cellular devices, Mr. Willems took no action and claimed that he had no cell phone. Confident that the plane was safe, Flight 465 took off. Moments after takeoff, with the seatbelt sign still on, screams were heard near the midsection of the plane, where Mr. Willems had allegedly taken out his iPhone

Fortunately for passengers and crew, Mr. Willems’ mother was in the shower, and the pilot was able to position the plane over the St. Lawrence by the time she picked up. At this point, complete engine The remainder of the attack failure occurred, but a safe crash is documented by a live podcast landing was performed. which Mr. Willems filmed with his Mr. Willems has been takiPhone. He can audibly he heard yelling, “Tell the pilot to direct this en into custody, and his iPhone plane towards Google’s Montreal 6, now with a cracked screen and headquarters, or so help me Jobs, I 90o bend, was confiscated. While will ask Siri to make a phone call!” being escorted into the Montreal police station, he was heard rantFortunately, a Nexus 5 thrown ing about how the Nexus 5 thrown at the back of Mr. Willem’s head at his head had only hit its mark caused him to drop the phone, and because it had stolen from Apple’s a struggle ensued between him streamlined designs. and several other passengers. Unfortunately, the continuing signals In airports across the country, from the iPhone caused airplane mandatory rectal exams are being lighting to shut off, and Mr. Wil- implemented. When asked how lems was able to escape with his this will prevent further iPhone iPhone to barricade himself in a attacks, an official replied “What washroom. He immediately asked iPhone attack?” Siri to make a phone call. 6. The phone is said to have been switched on and seeking and receiving signals. It is reported that violent shaking was felt throughout the plane at this time.

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Vote Yes to Chuck E. Cheese’s! by Sabre-Tooth Portillo As you must know by now, this semester’s biggest shit-storm was SSMU Club’s General Assembly, which occurred October 22nd. From the comfort of our home, while drinking multiple alcoholic beverages and reading endless Facebook wars, Reddit threads, and Twitter updates, the Faucet formed the one, true, opinion.

After being initially being disappointed by the lack of Tariq Khan references, we were soon amazed by the democratic process shown, the well-constructed and sensible arguments, the healthy debate (that absolutely did not turn into personal attacks), and the flawless organization of the event. The GA was everything we hoped it would be and more, when you put 700 of the most politicized students on campus in the same room and ask them to make decisions for the 26,000 other undergrads. The Faucet could be probably get enough material out of it to last for the next few issues. However, in a sudden twist of events that not even we, the masters of humour and satire that you know us to be, could foresee, a Facebook event calling for the dissolution of SSMU Club and its replacement by a Chuck E. Cheese’s was proposed in the immediate aftermath of the GA. The initial comments were everything you could possibly hope for: people questioning SSMU’s transparency, anarchists campaigning for the utter annihilation of the Student Union, SSMU Club politicians defending themselves and their system, social justice warriors using micro-aggressions to somehow turn this debate into one against micro-aggressions, and even Tariq Khan himself made an appearance. Pure. Gold. This affair motivated us, for what might be the first time in the Faucet’s long and glorious history, to take an official stand on campus politics. That is to say that the Faucet supports the establishment

of a Chuck E. Cheese’s in place of the SSMU Clubhouse. SSMU Club’s role should be to increase the general happiness level of its members. A weekly visit, sponsored by our tuition & fees money, to this wonderland of childish attractions would dramatically increase the happiness of the student population. Considerably more so than SSMU Club’s current funding to groups and clubs and management of Gerts. Don’t worry about Gerts - the Chuck-ECheese will serve alcohol, being an adult-only Chuck-E-Cheese. By the proven precepts of utilitarianism, the moral choice is therefore to abolish SSMU Club. An often heard complaint is that SSMU Club is as clear as the Ganges River. Replacing it by a Chuck E. Cheese’s would solve this issue since SSMU Club’s transparency level would be off the charts due to its lack of existence. Plus it’s wise beyond one’s years to wish something to disappear because one doesn’t agree with it. That is to say, that from the comfort of our apartments, we will quietly support whoever wants to propose this at the next GA. You might even get a like on Facebook. Or not. One thing’s for sure, we’ll enjoy reading those angry rants on social media.

An Adult

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Weapons of Mass Erections in the by Dilafza Haydaraliyeva Kingdom Animalia 1. The Blue Whale Atomic Bomb An average length of 8-10 feet, and a girth of 12-14 inches, a weapon of sheer size. Kind of like the atomic bomb of penises - there’s no part of you that would survive the aftermath of that penetration.

along the shafts are rather intimidating, these legless wonders are born for the threesome – talk about only having limbs where it counts!

4. The Argonaut Missile By Argonaut, we mean a type of Octopus, not the type Jason dragged across the Mediterranean. But like Jason and his Argonauts, this octoped’s penis will say goodbye to its home and go on a quest to find its Golden Fleece. The Argonaut has a detachable penis missile with sensors, which will surely find a friendly port to set anchor in. But don’t expect it to return back to Argos.

2. The Echidna Hydra. All heroines must fight their monsters. An echidna is like a hedgehog-anteater looking oddity of an animal. He also has a penis with four heads. Yup, four heads, four times the pleasure. And they take turns, because they’re nice like that. Two can only fit in at a time, but the sperm from each head joins together and enters in unison.

5. The Shrapnel Shell Many animals in the kingdom animalia utilize this handy weapon, as it gets rid of competitors and forces the female to ovulate. No pesky waiting for her uterus to be the right temperature. Upon finishing and retreating, the male cat explodes keratin spikes from his penis, a painful way to force the egg to release. We always knew cats were evil under that cute facade, but this evil?

3. Nehebkau, Guard of the Underworld. Continuing with the mythos theme, Nehebkau is the two headed snake of Egyptian myth. Fitting description indeed, as snakes have two heads for their two penises. Though the spikes

6. Battle of the Swords Flatworms? Yeah, those gross things. They fight to not get pregnant, so it becomes a battle of the penises - taking the whole male cockfighting thing to the next level. So maybe not so strange, or new, or odd. An age

the plumber’s FAUCET old custom rather - just a gentlemanly sword fight. Except one gentleman becomes a gentlewoman.

form of a penis, to detach and continue to actively participate in sex with the female as he scampers off to sleep with the next girl. Because he has two of them. What a playboy.

9. The Mob

7. The Lasso Barnacles are stationary species, so you would think they would be a far cry from the nomadic cowmen of the Old West. Wrong. For their size, they have extremely long penises - 40 times their body size. Could you imagine your human male walking around with that between his legs? You can’t, and that’s why barnacles are stationary. So why is he a cowboy? He waves his extremely long penis back and forth, kinda like a lasso, to pick out members of his happy herd, who he then fires a dollop of sperm at. So it’s actually a lasso with a revolver at the end - John Wayne would be proud.

8. The Decoy We all know how murderous the females of the spider family can be, so the weapon that the males of this family have developed can be said to be a defensive one - much to their benefit. Because the females like to eat their male partners during ejaculation, some smart spidermen have developed palps, their

Sometimes it isn’t how big it is, or how you use it – it’s about how many penises you and your buddies can get together. When the Queen Bee reaches maturity, she and her harem put the decorum of court aside and engage in the airborne orgy of the animal kingdom. The two-pump chump is the winner of the day though, because the first to get off explodes his penis - like a bomb, with sound effects included - in the Queen, leaving it in her permanently and thus laying his manly claim on their children. Is this a future Disney fairytale in the making?

10. The Psychological Warfare Bean Weevil. Such a funny name for a beetle, but make no jokes cause this dude is BADASS. There’s no words to describe what he’s packing in his nether regions. Just look at the picture. That spiky projecting mass of horrors - that’s his penis. And that’s how he has intercourse. That is a nightmare that you didn’t even know was possible, and just imagining that entering anything - even a squishy marshmallow - will probably make you cringe, and die.

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Closing the Name Gap by D _ _ _ _ _ _

G____

McGill University is currently suffering from a Name Deficit. While exact figures remain elusive due to intermural diplomatic tensions, the chair of the Department of Propaganda estimates that Concordia University currently has at least 2.6 names for each campus building, whereas McGill has remained at a level of roughly 0.8 names per building for almost a decade. If left unchecked, this Nomenclature Gap has the potential to utterly destroy our way of life and peace of mind, while simultaneously making it inconvenient as heck to actually get anywhere. Residents will be baffled; tourists will be befuddled; incoming students will be without hope. Temporary stopgap measures include urging students with two or more names to donate one or more to a nameless university building or program. Advocates of this recourse may be seen tub-banging around campus wearing blank nametags to indicate that they have loaned their own epithets to the cause. Director Alan Smithee of the Emergency Naming Council has unilaterally sent a plea for aid to other, name-rich schools. Already the premier of Concordia has delivered in his speech to the board of the chairs of his cabinet a plea to instigate ‘intermural academic aid’, which will see many names provided by Concordia to McGill buildings. According to internal McGill media, however, this is plainly a thinly veiled ploy, carefully calculated, to sway neutral schools while destabilizing the McGillian social structure. In an excerpt from the premier’s speech, which was delivered in the Alfred J. Brenner Auditorium/Room 128 of the Herbert G. Steubenmeyer Memorial Chemistry Library/the Michaud Library Building/Michaud Hall/the Fulmont Chemistry

Building, he said ‘I am well aware that there are opponents of my plan, and I will address them, but they shall remain nameless.’ Reporter Outis Nemo later said of the speech: ‘I didn’t understand a word of it. It was like an Abbott and Costello skit. I think that guy had like three first names which he tried to say at the same time. Is this a joke?’ Sadly, it is no such thing, and Concordia’s plan is set to be executed during the Positivist Blank Days, which themselves are nameless. Veteran professors and professional students will doubtlessly recall the disastrous results of the last time Concordia attempted this: intentionally confusing, barely differentiated ambiguous descriptors, inefficiently distributed in such a manner that we have such monstrosities as buildings with four names clustered in hopelessly overtitled districts (in this category belongs the Dawson Building and the Dawson Adams Building, between which stands the McConnell Building, as distinct from the McConnell Residence), directly abutting entire lanes of edifices with no names at all (this refers to Building, which can be located next to the Building and its associated Annex). Observant students may notice an entire row of Macdonalds, many of which themselves have multiple determiners of varying aptness: the Macdonald Building is also the Macdonald Engineering Building (but predominantly teaches physics and philosophy).The MacdonaldHarrington Building has engraved over its entryway the words “Macdonald Chemistry and Mining Building”, and is also called the MacDonald Chemistry Building, despite teaching nothing but architecture. The Macdonald-Stewart Building appears on some maps as the Macdonald Physics Building and on others as the Macdonald Library Building, unless it’s being referred to

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and doomsday devices that is the Shockwave Physics Lab (research provided by Demilitarize McGill). It has been hypothesized by expert experimental logologist and McGill prof Dr. that careful isolation and entangling of individual morphological particles known as phonemons could result in the creation of new names from nothing, a theory that certain others have taken issue with as a misinterpretation of Hinley’s Laws of Nomenclature and a potential danger if phonemons are inadvertently bound to active mosons.

The president has described herself as “blinded with One of the loudest critics grief over the current naming crisis.” She has generously given her own name to what had been known of ongoing McGill University as that squarish-looking building with the lights that experimentation in name science is Herr Doktor Doktor Professor Georg don’t work. Friedrich Karl Wilhelm Heinrich by the library it houses, as it often is, as it appears on Franz, Freiherr von Dustig, B.Sc., M.S., Ph.D., S.O.B., SSMU maps as the Schulich Library of Science and Q.E.D., Lecturer in Quantum Language Theory Engineering. and Dean Emeritus of the Breamhoben School of Absurdity. Nevertheless, the boffins tinker on, and There is no dearth of Schuliches either, between have already reported early successes in the synthesis the Schulich School of Music and U. Toronto’s of new unique identifiers for previously nameless Schulich School of Business, which it has foolishly particles on the atomic scale under controlled offered to donate to the cause. conditions. It will not help but may be informative to I spoke with Dr. . ‘See this track line on note that these three/seven Macdonalds all abut the bubble chamber images?’ Dr. points to each other and are inter-accessible. A similar glut a hair on the black-and-white picture. ‘Sorry, I mean has been identified of Redpaths and Strathconas, this one.’ He points to a spiroid path on the image. although in the case of the three adjoining Redpaths, ‘We’ve recently succeeded in artificially naming this Professor Randolph x, the Stephen Leacock Chair of boson simultaneously Andy and Harold. It existed Economics, has expressed his belief that the names for a full two-trillionths of a fortnight under these from this highly-nomenactive area will ‘trickle down’ two distinct monikers! I’ve already applied for a to nearby, nameless buildings if left unchecked. further grant.’ ‘So don’t check,’ he added, ‘and you can’t prove I’m wrong.’ I bid farewell to the good doctor, who has tentatively begun going by Dr. i , pending Currently, the problem has been turned over the synthesis of a full cognomen. Will this valiant to the scuttling, cackling barons and doctors in effort on the part of our brave mad scientists solve Howie coats and opaque goggles that populate the the problem and achieve spontaneous nomogenesis? cavernous underground repository of cadavers I don’t know. Third base!

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Remember, Remember by Sabre-Tooth Portillo

“Would you believe them? Acting all official and everything. I bet they don’t even who we are!” said a gruff looking red-head, slamming his pint on the dirty counter of the pub like a true Irishman would.

“I pity you fools,” said an African man from a corner, “complaining that everyone has forgotten about you already. No one even remembers the glory days of my country!”

“Just calm down Liam. They’re doing the best they can to honour everyone who has fallen.”

“Of course we do! You’re from… uh…” Darius looked to the others for help, but they were all looking away ashamed at their ignorance. “Zaire, right?”

“Shut yer mouth, ya filthy wine-drinker. You been hangin’ out here for too long. You don’t remember what it’s like to be alive. To feel your lungs fill with air, to...” “Enough! The both of you!” The man shouted with a deep voice, slamming a humongous fist on the table, his horned helmet jumping a few centimeters in the air. “Liam, you died for a country not born yet...” “I just wanted to get some dirty tea-drinkers!” With that said, he chugged the rest of his beer and ordered another one. The giant Viking ignored him and kept talking. “You, Darius, you died pushed from a cliff...” “It was those damn half-naked Spartans!” pleaded Darius slowly sipping on his fancy wine. “There were only 300 of them!” shouted Liam laughing, downing 2 shots of whiskey. “My point is,” continued the Viking, without paying attention to the two bickering friends, “that I died raiding an innocent-looking village on the coast of Normandy. As a reward for my glorious death, I was promised an eternal banquet in Valhalla next to Odin himself! Look at me now... drinking away time with a bunch of nobodies in the dirtiest pub I’ve ever seen!” “(hieroglyphic gibberish)” “No one understands a single word of what you’re saying - you should know that by now,” replied Darius the Persian to the Egyptian sitting next to him. “(angry hieroglyphs)”

“No!” the African warrior stood and walked towards them menacingly. “I’m from the Manden Kurufaba! Our great leader Musa was one of the richest men in history! I was actually killed in a skirmish with some thieves on our way to Mecca…” He stopped talking when he saw the absent look in everybody’s faces. He sighed and sat down at the bar. That was one battle he would not win. “Whatever… the one good thing about death is that your cup is never empty.” “You guys know what’s missing around here?” asked the Viking to break the silence. “Girls.” “Damn straight,” replied Shaka the African Warrior. Everyone agreed with him by downing their drinks. Even the Egyptian guy no one understands agreed. “Spending eternity at the pub sure is a long time when there are no girls around,” said Liam between two tequila shots. “Those Spartan soldiers in the corner over there don’t seem to mind,” said Darius the Persian. “(Random hieroglyphs)” ranted the Egyptian. No one had the heart to contradict him. “Well, at least some of us lucked out,” said the Viking. “Maybe we should have allowed women in the army from the beginning knowing we’d be stuck together for all of eternity.” They all agreed in silence. “Sometimes I wish I could go back you know. Feel the wind one last time on my face, the bones of my enemies crushing under my feet,” complained the Viking. “A parade here, a memorial there…

Do you

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think it was worth it?” asked Darius. “What we did… Most of it was awful.”

“(screaming angry hieroglyphs)” Liam was now trying to dry hump the Egyptian dude.

“It’s why we did it though, isn’t it?” replied Shaka. “We gave our lives and lived through the nightmares so that they wouldn’t have to.”

“Okay big guy, that’s enough.” Shaka separated them and sat Liam down by force.

“You’re looking at it the wrong way Darius,” added the Viking. “It’s not what we did that matters, it’s why. Those blokes don’t want to remember what we did. We don’t even what to remember. Why do you think we’re all drinking? I mean, have you seen Liam?” They all looked at Liam who was now trying to dance with the Egyptian on the bar counter. “They remember what we fought for, what we died for. It makes it easier for them to justify sending us to our deaths and the ones we killed, I guess.”

“Oh no, you didn’t!” Liam punched Shaka in the face, who responded by throwing him across the bar where he landed in front a Mongolian warrior, splashing his goat milk all over him. “KHAAAAN!” And that is how the brawl started that evening. Because what are forgotten soldiers from yesteryear going to do to pass the time?

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The Faucet’s Guide to Finding a Job: Negotiation by Adam Pickersgill For those of us venerable and ancient plumbers facing the impending adventmare that is graduation from the protection of the supple bosom that is McGill University, searching for an employment opportunity is at the front of our minds (only just behind beer, sex, and math). For you younger pups, it may be prudent to search for a summer employment opportunity or an internship of some sort, if only for a little extra beer money, as we all know that it is never too early to save up for alcohol. Consequently, here at the Faucet we have taken pains to compile a foolproof and comprehensive guide to finding a job as a prospective engineer. We guarantee a successful result or your money back!

Part 4. Contract Negotiation If you have been following this space carefully for the past several weeks (and obviously all three of you have, or you wouldn’t be here), you should be receiving all sorts of job offers by now. The question now is how do you navigate the situation such that you end up in the position to earn the most money? We are here to answer your questions and give you all the negotiating powers of a flea market proprietor in your favourite developing nation.

I received multiple job offers, all of similar value. What should I do? - Colin, U4 Arts

Trick question - Arts students don’t get multiple job offers.

Should I negotiate a starting salary offer? - Tom, U4 Mechanical

Yes, yes, absolutely yes. I can’t stress this enough - 95% of employers expect you to negotiate[citation needed]. Think about it - by the time you have received an offer, recruiters, HR employees, managers, and often times technical employees have invested hundreds of man hours in weeding out all of the unqualified hopefuls, poring over CV’s, giving countless interviews, all to identify YOU as the engineer they want. Each of these man hours costs the company anywhere from 30 to 100 dollars, depending on the company. What is a few thousand dollars more to them in order to close the deal? Of course they are going to low-ball you, but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t willing to shell out the extra cash to get what they want.

I received an offer from one company, but they aren’t my top choice and I’m waiting to hear back from others. What should I do? - Chloe, U3 Civil Negotiate! Not only does it give you more time to hear back from other employees, it shows them that they are going to have to do a bit more to get your panties on the floor. Plus, it increases the yield of your real objective - money! We all know we chose to be engineers

because we are smart enough to realize that we have a better chance of making consistent money than management students, right?

I received multiple job offers, all of which have signing bonuses - what should I do? - Abu, U4 Software

Now we’re talking. This is a scenario that really puts us in a position to win. This is an easy one all you do is accept all of them (after negotiating for an increased signing bonus in exchange for forfeiting all of your company benefits), route your signing bonuses through your favourite tax shelter country, and move to Nunavut where you can live the rest of your life off of the tens of thousands of dollars you just stole from various members of Silicon Valley.

Editor’s Note: We were left this article as a series of magazine clippings hastily glued to old editions of the Faucet. Adam appears to currently be on the run and wanted for fraud, tax evasion, and wiring money through illegal Swiss bank accounts. The Faucet wishes it to be known that we have no knowledge of his current whereabouts and have not seen him in weeks.

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