The Plumber’s
Faucet
May the Frosh be With you Issue
VOLUME XXXII ISSUE I August 19th, 2015
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 1
CONTRIBUTERS
LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
Editor-In-Chief
10 reasons Tim Hortons is like your mother! Share this with five friends or your best friends boyfriend will drop his cell phone! You’ll be shocked about what Mila Kunis said about her loofa! Invested yet? Good. Welcome to the Plumber’s Faucet. Home to the raunchy “comedy” of engineers, The Faucet acts as a vehicle for all the most important “news” on campus. From what your facial hair says about you to why you need to stop going to FACC100, we’ve got your backs.
Malcolm McClintock
Writers
Ashkaan Mohtashami Morgan Mattone Arman Izadi Daniel Galef David Bailey Malcolm McClintock Emmet Austin Katharine Callahan Frédérick Chagnon
Illustrators
Malcolm McClintock (cover)
Support
Camille Warner
Disclaimer
The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
Complaints
The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.
The Plumber’s Faucet vol. 32 no. 1
Wednesday, August 19th, 2015 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513
If you too, want to have your friends sweet, sweet fleshy backs then join us! You, the frosher, is about to create about ninety-seven different personalities in your journey through McGill University, why not make one of them a phallic spewing, punderstorm causing, groundhog praising maniac? There’s a whole Faucet Family waiting to embrace your oddities; Can you draw? Can you read? Can you type 10WPM? If you answered yes to any of these, I’m sorry we’re not accepting your application at this time (you best get used to hearing that as an Engineer). But hey, I get it! There’s some sweet jedi babes waitin for you over in Group 12, your undying loyalty to the Faucet can wait. There’s tons of tips and tricks as how to survive the arduous journey you’re about to embark on. I bet you didn’t know drinking water is important, huh? That’s why we’re here. Keep on reading to get a facial full on how to take advantage of the best week of your life. ProTip#2 (this tip is probably legitimate) GO TO OAP. Ask anyone, they’ll point you in the right direction. It’s a rare event that you won’t regret. Alright kid, get back to shmoozin on those jedi babes whose names you’ve already forgotten (Marie?). There’ll be plenty of Faucets in the future, coming to a newsstand near you.
Malcolm Mc clintock An EUS Publication
August 19th, 2015
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Star Wars: The Frosh Awakens by Jar Jarman Binzadi
In a galaxy far far away, twelve coordinators sought to bring joy and excitement to the lives of fresh- eyed froshies. They planned and programmed for months on end against innumerable odds and many a hurdle. They pooled the wisdom of legendary froshes of old with the excitement and valor of the froshes to come. Epic tales of amazing heroes of power, thrones of iron, and rodeos of controversy were told to inspire the coords in their planning of the greatest frosh in this reach of the galaxy. Now, they sought to venture into space; the final frontier. Their mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new froshies and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before (Wait no, wrong franchise!!). You have flown on star destroyers, fleet ships, battle barges and freighters from lightyears away; here you have arrived in the glittering city of Montréal, and it is time to begin training. Now for all you young padawans and keener sith-wannabes who aren’t familiar with this time and tradition for ours, listen close! For I am about to introduce you to the greatest first week of your lives. High school was many things for many people. Regardless of if it was fun or boring, it most definitely pales in comparison to the Sarlacc behemoth of university life. To make this transition smooth, we have prepared for you a fun-filled week of activities to introduce you to the New Republic. We shall test your caliber, tour you through the Montreal space system, bequeath you with gifts a-plenty, take you
to warm beaches and make sure you have as much fun as humanly possible before you enter the abyss of academic life.
Day 1: On your first day at the Jedi Academy, you shall be tested on your skill and merit! If you succeed and survive, you shall be rewarded with a Stormtrooper helmet as your trophy in addition to nourishment for your weary bodies. Once you have rested and reloaded with your Jedi Knights, it is time for your first nightly revelry at Naboo City Gas & Club Yoda.
Day 2: Congratulations! You have completed your first day at training and have hopefully awaken ready to face a new day of excitement. This day starts with a demonstration of the Galactic Empire’s strength as we march through the bustling streets of Montreal. Stops along the way shall provide you with refreshments to fuel your ongoing training. Once the peasant populace is well aware of Emperor Palpoutine’s might, we shall retreat to the Forum with circus folk. Have a great night and may the forum be with you!
Day 3: The twin suns have arisen, time to embrace your third day with gusto! Being an engineer is not just about glorious feats of stomach churning
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refreshment-drunkery; it is about trying new things (and new drinks), being creative, and finding your limits. All these merits shall come in handy in a friendly competition amongst friends and foes alike to demonstrate why you belong in Engineering. After rallying with your Jedi Knights, all shall head to Cloud city for an awe-inspiring time with froshies from the rest of the faculties.
our adorable friends. You never know, you may win a prize or two. A good jedi has extensive knowledge of new technologies and droids. A good movie viewing at Cinema-3PO will help you get on track. The feared order 66 has been issued but for you padawans, that does not mean certain death, it means rally and regroup before heading out to your final event of frosh: The traditional “It’s a Toga!” party.
Day 4:
Accompanying you on your great journey, are the hardened Jedi Masters who have trained hard and have been hand-picked by the council to lead you on your quest through the galaxy. They are your guardians, your protectors, your comfort and most importantly, your friends. Look to them, or the Council of Jedi Masters (your coords) for any questions you may have; or if you want to know how to use the force to make people think you can lift twice your weight, or simply want to engage in a lightsaber duel.
Of all the trials and terrors you may have faced, none even begin to compare to the marathon of the far away planet of Tatooine. It is a time for padawans to head out to the sandy dunes and revel in the local’s customs such as “Volleyball”, swimming, and of course, turning up. Once the heat becomes too unbearable, it’s time to switch 180 degrees in the complete opposite direction by hailing to Hoth and chilling with a few games (See what I did there?). If your bones haven’t broken from this extreme change in temperature, we will xventure to the cantina for some wellearned camaraderie.
Day 5:
Most important of all is to have fun. Frosh is about jumpstarting your x-wing to conquer everything else that may come this year. May the frosh be with you.
The fifth and final day of frosh has arrived! The fateful day begins with a casual ewok in the park. Come out and play games, meet new people and have some fun with
See page 15 for the full schedule
BASED BERNIE 4 PREZ?! by O.G.T-Swizzle
But O.G.T-Swizzle, how can you so sure? You haven’t even finished House of Cards yet, you don’t know anything about politics! Why did you change
So you just finished binging the 3 seasons of House of Cards because you were working so hard this summer. You’re practically an expert on American politics now, aren’t you? And now you’re trying to figure out who is going to be the next leader of the “Free” World? Well, Imma let you finish, but we already know who it will be. No, it will not be Donald Trump. It won’t Hillary either. The race is already over. The next Prez is without a doubt going to be Bernie Sanders.
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August 19th, 2015
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your name? Well, I don’t need to know because Bernie has been blessed by none other than Lil B the Based God. That’s right, the elusive Based God Blessing has been given to Bernie live on TV. To truly appreciate the power of the Based God Blessing, you need to understand its evil counterpart, the most powerful force in the known and unknown universes. I’m talking of course of the legendary Based God Curse. Back in 2011, in a midst of classic mixtapes released by Lil B, Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder said on Twitter that Lil B was a wack rapper. Nothing more was necessary to anger the Based God who placed the curse on K.D. What does the Curse entails? That K.D. would never win an NBA Championship.
LIES and says that he doesn’t know who Lil B is despite having tweeted about him in the past. That was the last straw.
Can you guess what happened next? That’s right the Thunder lost in the Finals against LeBron James. The following year, one of Durant’s side-kick, James Harden (we’ll get back to him in a minute), is traded to the Houston Rockets; meanwhile, his second sidekick, Russell Westbrook, is injured. It was a tough 2012 season for the Thunder who missed the playoffs.
Houston goes on to lose Game 3 by 35 points, who incidentally is Kevin Durant’s jersey number. Coincidence? I think not. Game 4 and Game 5 were no better, having lost after an NBA record of 13 turnovers committed by the cursed James Harden in what experts (a.k.a. me) have called the worse playoff performance of all-time.
Feeling merciful, the Based God lifts the Curse for the 2013-2014 season. What happens? Kevin Durant wins the MVP. Success went to Durant’s head who angers the Based God yet again. Lil B answers with the now classic diss track “Fuck KD”, a track so powerful that the Drake-Meek Mill beef of the summer looks even more like a petty high school dispute. The terms are simple: face Lil B in a game of 21 and the Curse will be lifted. Durant stubbornly refuses. Thereafter he’s injured and misses most of the season. The Curse is still in effect to this day, Kevin Durant has yet to win an NBA Championship.
What of Lil B’s forgiving nature you say? Has a Based Blessing ever occurred before? During the same playoffs, the Golden State Warriors, Lil B’s hometown team, were under the protection of the Based God and went on to defeat the Cleveland Cavaliers, whose entire team (with the exception of LeBron James) mysteriously got injured, onto the Finals to win the Championship.
Now, you would say that one instance does not a curse make. And you would be right, if James Harden didn’t happen. During the 2014-2015 playoffs, he refused to acknowledge that he had stolen the cooking dance from Lil B. Before Game 2 of the Western Conference Finals, the Based God then gives Harden a warning: acknowledge Lil B or the Curse will be upon you. Houston loses Game 2 by 1 point in the final seconds of the game after a turnover caused by Harden. After the game, Harden
I think the evidence speaks for itself. The Based God Curse and Based God Blessing decides the tides of fate, which brings us back to Bernie and politics. Bernie is under the legendary protection of Lil B the Based God. I almost feel bad for his opponents and all of those who gave money to run campaigns are doomed to fails. I hope Bernie will acknowledge Lil B’s help with a good old “THANK YOU BASED GOD” when he becomes President, lest he be cursed for insolence to the omnipotent Lil B.
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The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. 32 No. 1
What’s in Store Photos from Frosh 2014-2015
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August 19th, 2015
The Hooligans in Labcoats by Sinbad The Saladtosser
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the faculty while portraying a strong sense of leadership and spirit, we will be coming for you. That being said, if you don’t know where to start, feel free to come up to any of us whenever and ask about whatever. We’re always happy to tell you about our coats, names, and various other funny anecdotes including a delightful tale about a hobo who has lived a rough and tough life.
Welcome one, welcome all to the greatest faculty in McGill of all; Engineering! For those of you reading this who aren’t in engineering, congratulations on branching out from the daily. For those of you who aren’t at McGill, get your act together mate.
funds for those less fortunate then us through charitable actions. You’ll be able to find us at the Milton gates panhandling for money, in the McConnell arena cheering for our Redmen, and most importantly, in the depths of McConnell basement honing our beer die skills.
As we stand ready to sip smooth samples of beautiful beverages served at OAP, or load up on energy drinks and instant meals (apparently there’s a difference) for the frosh storm that awaits, we see a familiar sight of labcoats, sound of chanting, and smell of unwashed beer return once again to these hallowed halls. Ahh Yes! Those friendly neighborhood rapscallions, the P.P.O.
So how does one become a part of this organization you may ask? (If you don’t want to Here’s to another great year join- killjoy much- but thank you for reading this far). Well, we at McGill, and we can’t wait to have many secrets, including see all the new faces on campus our process for selection and this year. initiation. But I can tell you this; if you get yourself involved with the many wondrous engineering events and design teams within
For those of you who don’t know us, or for those of us who still enjoy a good circle jerk every once and awhile, the P.P.O (Plumbers Philharmonic Orchestra) are the grease that keeps the wheels of the EUS turning smoothly. We are the lubricant to the life of the party, and beacons of goodwill and cheerful engineering spirit. Originally descend from spirit groups of McGill past, such as Red Thunder and Fight Band, the P.P.O lives to promote McGill spirit at varsity sports and engineering events, while raising
“A charity group with a drinking problem” Printed at Copi-EUS
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8 Reasons why McGill’s Faculty of Engineering has the Best by Playboy’s Theatre Presents: Engineering Program at McGill The Draining of the Brew 1. Frostbite Obviously we have to start this list with something spectacular. No other engineering program at McGill has an ice cream store as great as Frostbite. Where else do they take the midterms and tests in which they received a grade of less than 30%? I don’t know, and I don’t care, because they can eat shit and die.
2. Our 8 engineering programs and 1 architecture program Take that, all other engineering programs at McGill! I bet they can hardly come up with even ONE engineering program that’s been officially approved by the Canadian Engineering Accreditation Board. We have EIGHT. Not only that, but we’ve got one more that’s about to be approved! Suck it.
3. We have women Uh-huh, at least 20% of our faculty! And I personally know about 7 of them. You’ll be hard-pressed to find another engineering program at McGill with those kinds of numbers! This section of humanity is known for their curvaceous form, attractive features, and insatiable thirst for knowledge. The women in our engineering program are no different! Beautiful beyond words, and smarter than most NASA scientists, they pretty much run the show in our program either behind the scenes or right in front of your eyes! Either way we’re happy to have ‘em! Good luck finding that in the other engineering programs at McGill. We’ve checked, they literally have 0 women enrolled. Despicable.
4. Two words: Copi-EUS. Wait, is it two words? You could consider it one misspelled word hyphenated with an acronym. The other engineering program MIGHT have us beat in the English department. Does the hyphen condense it into one word? These and many other questions can be answered at Copi-EUS, including: “Damnit Chris, why the hell is it taking so long to print my poster?”, “How much to print this picture of my ass?”, and “Where’s that free pizza –Aw damnit not again Peter! Every time! Every time…”
5. Dianne
Dianne, our glorious Hot Mama, the dear matron of our engineering society, the very reason we are so great. No other engineering program at McGill – nay, any program at all in McGill –has anyone as incredible as Dianne. She’s the apple of our eye, the light of our life, the cream to our Boston Cream donut! Without her we would be lost and forgotten, or worse; the second best engineering program at McGill. Luckily for us, we do have Dianne and can rightfully say that we are the best engineering program at McGill.
6. The Faucet We’ve got it, they want it. After having met some of the supposed ‘students’ outside of our wonderful engineering program, I realize why they don’t have as prestigious a publication as The Faucet. It’s because they are dull. Those other engineering students wouldn’t know satire if Jon Stewart slapped them across the face with the DVDs of South Park seasons 1-8! Bloody fools.
An EUS Publication
7. Eternal suffering No other engineering program run her at McGill can boast that at least 80% of their students regularly suffer from depression, anxiety, and numerous other mental health issues. That’s right, we have the highest (read: best) ratio of students in constant anguish vs students with blissful, stress-free lives. Those free-loading hippie bastards can suck on my proverbial, tormented, anxiety-induced, impotent penis!
8. Blues Pub It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the whole “eternal suffering” bit, since nothing goes better with the deep, dark den of depression than a lovely pint of well-chilled beer. Here you’ll find your friends, enemies, frenemies, TAs, and if you’re lucky you may even run into your professor who’s about three sheets to the wind. It isn’t much of a surprise that this also happens to be your favourite professor inside the classroom as well as out. There you have it, folks! The 8 Great reasons that McGill’s Faculty of Engineering is the best damn engineering program here at McGill. Now’s your chance, all other engineering programs at McGill, let’s see what you’ve got! I bet you can’t even get a list that’s one item long, you Buzzfeed-hack, lackluster, run-of-the-mill, fucking uncultured swine.
August 19th, 2015
What to Expect from Frosh by Liquid Giggles
Hey kids, welcome to McGill! You’re listening to Liquid Giggles, a 5-year Faucet veteran who has recently passed away and entered the real world. As a wizened old fuck, there were a few things that I learned during my time at McGill. Your experience here will change you, and today I am here to give you a heads up on 10 things that will happen to you while you are at McGill.
You’ll make new friends New people are swell! So many new faces to see, and so many new bodies to do dirty things with! You’ll find that you have much in common with McGill’s international smorgasbord of intelligentsia, and the friendships you make here will be much stronger than those you had with your tobacco-chewing hillbilly friends from your high school in Nowhere, USA.
You’ll get wasted If you’re from America, you can probably chug a jumbo Pepsi faster than a Sleeman, but that will change soon. After getting hammered at Frosh, you’ll find that the party continues all semester, every semester. Sunday and Saturday are nights on the town, Friday is Blues Pub, Thursday is BDA and 4a7, Wednesday is $9 sangria pitchers at Gerts (nine-gria), and Tuesday and Monday are to bridge the gap. In fact, recent graduate Red Light Do Right sparked a dedicated subculture of students who ritualistically perform Monday Morning Boat Races at 8 am to start their week off right. You need to master the art of hangover recovery, so that you can get some studying done during the day.
You’ll experiment If you haven’t lost your virginity by the end of Frosh, you probably need to lower your standards a bit, or let alcohol do it for you. But once you have lost it and “tasted the hamburger”, try the other items on the menu. Start with a different orifice or a different sex. Hire a professional from Concordia. Live a night with the homeless. Have sex in Three Bares Park – bonus points if you do it during OAP. Join the Faucet Orgy Club, which has weekly meetings in McConnell. If you haven’t come close to death during sex or caught at least 3 STDs by the time you graduate, you probably didn’t get out enough.
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You’ll learn that class is optional Class is there so you can learn, so if the professor isn’t particularly good at giving lectures, you might as well skip class and take the time to study by yourself. You are just a small face in the crowd, and there is no attendance sheet! Other acceptable reasons for skipping class include: hangovers, campus events (especially the drinking variety), St. Patrick’s Day, too early in the day, too late in the day, too hungry, too sober, and just not giving a fuck.
You’ll fail exams Often exams are written so hard that no one in the class can complete any questions, and it is just a matter of who is best at writing globbity-gloop for part marks. Sometimes too, McGill fails to be accommodating to students like myself with special needs, by failing to provide Gatorade, Tylenol, and a 3 hour nap period during midterms. But don’t worry: if you fail a midterm by more than 30%, you can get a free ice cream at Frostbite!
You’ll get involved There are a million clubs, committees, design teams, sports teams, and publications throughout McGill, and other than anything related to SSMU Club, they are all great. They are great for improving your people skills, and will probably do more for your employability than the technical stuff you learn in class. If you join the Faucet, you will also find your sex life improve, your hair will stop receding, your dick will grow 3 inches (even if you don’t have one), and you will get a prestigious internship at Trojan by the time you are done writing your third article. Doctors will hate you!
Email faucet@mcgilleus.ca if interested.
You’ll practice exciting study methods Your only 100% sure shot of passing your exams is through the oldest study method known to mankind – sleeping with the TA. This method is so prevalent that there are standard rates for different grading
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services, as monitored by the TA union. On the low end, an extra 20% in a CHEM 110 assignment goes for a fingering during office hours. If you want to get your D in MATH 133 brought up to a C though, you’re talking about a rusty trombone after a cheap date at Gert’s.
You’ll learn to be frugal Mommy and daddy aren’t paying for things anymore boyo, and every penny you spend is another penny in debt. Set aside some money for your bills, food, and beer, and don’t spend any more. Need a new table? I saw some cinder blocks and cardboard on Aylmer. Need to replace a lightbulb? I’m pretty sure your buddy doesn’t need all THREE of the ones in his living room. Clothing is becoming a bit threadbare? Get new T-shirts from events like Frosh or E-Week, and maybe see if you can’t get anything from that homeless guy who has been lying dead-still on the street corner since Monday.
You’ll join a secret society I ended up being chosen to join the PPO, which isn’t a secret society – it’s a society with secrets. But I am convinced that there are many secret societies on campus, and that everyone is part of
one or another. It’s true! Whenever I walk down the hall, conversations stop and I get dirty looks, which I think is so that I do not overhear secret stuff. Girls also generally avoid me, presumably because their secret society is having trouble deciding which of their members should have the honour of dating me.
You’ll have the time of your life Your time at McGill is the one time in your life when you will be surrounded by tens of thousands of smart, young, attractive people with similar interests as yourself. Adults aren’t very good at meeting people, and there is a decent chance that your first job will be at a town smaller than McGill, filled with middle-aged miners. So take as much out of your university experience as possible – be aggressive at managing your coursework, so that you have some spare time to LIVE. As a recent graduate, trust me that it all ends when school ends. Your life expectancy is now 5.5 years, so make the most out of it!
A Letter To My Aspiring Fauceteers As some of you may know, I am currently Publications Director, a made up position by our graduated but still remembered and praised by all, Liquid Giggles. As Publications Director, I create the Engineering Student Handbook and make sure that the Plumbers Faucet and the Plumbers Ledger are running smoothly. As ruler over the EUS publications, and active Faucet Bitch, I feel it is my duty to cordially welcome you all to the Plumbers Faucet. Not only is it the most desired paper to read, but it’s written by the most aspiring studnets at McGill. Feel free to drop in on a meeting or just jump right in and start writing. All younglings are welcome!!!
With love from a Faucet Bitch,
Morgan Mattone An EUS Publication
August 19th, 2015
HOW TO TOGA
Step 1:
Step 2:
Get neked. Butt neked.
Hold one corner of the bedsheet at your right shoulder. Hold the excess fabric on your left.
Step 4: Tie the ends together atop your shoulder as tight as is comfortable. Readjust.
PARTY. Printed at Copi-EUS
Step 3: Wrap that excess fabric around your mid-section, or for the confident, your waist
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5 Skills to Master During Frosh by 4-loko-motive
3. Learn how to Pull Trigger/Boot and Rally
Froshie! Welcome to McGill Engineering! Since you had the good sense to pull this rag out of your frosh packet and are currently reading it, I am assuming that you have refined taste! To reward you for your excellent literary appetite, I am going to share with you some essential skills to make the most of your Frosh experience and beyond. I want you to read these, memorize them- heck, even sleep with them under your pillow! This is my fount of Frosh wisdom.
1. Shirt Transformation You’re given a t-shirt in your frosh packet. If that t-shirt is still clean, white, and whole at the end of frosh then you’ve done something horribly wrong! Your frosh t-shirt evolves with you throughout the week. You start as a new bright-eyed, bushy-tailed froshie; by the end of the week you’ve lost some dignity and hope you don’t get mono. You must cut, rip, and tie your shirt until it covers only the most essential parts of your torso. Your shirt will also become a canvas for your week; by the end it should be covered in writing that includes your name, group number, and a discrete system for counting you drink on the pub-crawl amongst other debaucherous drawings. Trust me this skill will help you later in the year during E-Week (you will do E-Week) and Faculty Olympics.
2. How to snag that hottie
Follow these tips and your frosh you will enjoy induced stupor and want to make the next move. Sorry I can’t help you. Engineer = Virgin. Just kidding! If you’re a girl and you like boys, you’re in luck; this is one of the most beneficial ratios you’ll ever have! If you’re a boy, welcome to the most loving sausage fest you will ever be a part of. My advice is to release all inhibitions and go for it. Walk up to that hottie and just plant one right on them (find room for consent somewhere in there). Best case you make out with them and never see them again. Worst they live next to you in Rez and you have to see them for the rest of the year. Either outcome will be hilarious. Welcome to the real world.
Everyone wants to be the life of the party. But when being the center of attention means that you’ve chugged 10 beers in 15 minutes, you may want to do something to keep up your endurance. This is an appropriate time to start pulling trig. Stumble your way to the nearest toilette, trashcan, or backpack, throw your fingers into the back of your throat, then rally! You’ve missed maybe five minutes of the party, and you’re ready to start all over again. Maybe take it a little slower this time champ. Trust me, this (sometimes not so) discrete trick will help you make it through many parties and events in your university career. Heed the words of a very drunk friend of mine who makes it to the end of most parties, “I pull trig on the reg and it’s great!”
4.
Love beer
There is little dispute on this topic. We are engineers and we love beer. If you think there’s a lot of beer in Frosh then you’re not ready for what’s coming. Embrace it early because it’s not cute to be the person who doesn’t like beer. Resistance is futile. You will be conditioned to like it regardless, so you may as well make it pleasant and voluntary.
5. Chant Welcome to the EUS. We love to chant. Learn them all and cherish them.
You just made eye contact with the cutest human through the frosh
An EUS Publication
August 19th, 2015
The Search for the Origins of the Plumber (CONCLUDED):
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Part I of III : Ancient Beginnings by Daniel Galef The Plumbers, as a campus tradition and hyponym to the PPO, has ancient and mysterious origins dating far further back than many would believe. In fact, some idiot is doing up a history of the group for the Ledger right now, but that moron has no sense of scope or storytelling, and is liable to turn this whole thing into a boring research-fest with no excitement at all, so I figured I’d better go about setting the record straight with a decidedly more interesting and maybe even (probably not) more truthful rendition of the narrative. The Ledger’s history is being published in three parts, over the course of this semester. Ha! The amateurs! We’ll do them one better: Our treatise will be put out in not one, not two, not even four, but three marvelous, mind-blowing chapters, spanning the entire duration of the Fall 2015 academic term! Yep, that’s right, the whole thing! And we’ll just see what they can do about it to try to measure up! The ultimate beginnings of the Plumbers are difficult to pin down, but it is known that as a sect or secret society, the group was active at least as early as Classical Rome. Then known as the Ordo Fabrorum Plumborum, it is unknown whether the term, which literally means “workers in lead” (compare plumb line, the French plombage, and the atomic symbol Pb) was originally intended to refer literally to plumbing (as the famous secret society of the Masons similarly began as an organization to protect professional secrets of literal masons at a time when artisan-
This cyclomorphic scepter or ritual mace is believed to have been used by the chief faber plumborum to delve repeatedly into the deep well of hidden knowledge.
Everyone’s a critic craftsmen were the workers of technological wonders in a pre-industrial culture) or to alchemy, as ancient occultists toiling to unlock the mystical secrets of the universe universally started with lead, known as the basest metal (not to be confused with Steve Harris, a metal bassist), or even, as the late Professor I-Totally-Didn’t-Just-Make-Him-Up suggests, to the craftsman’s symbol of order and alignment, the plumb bob, which was frequently granted deep mystical allegorical significance as a moral measure (cf. The Book of Andy, 7:7-8). Professor I.T.D.J.M.H.U. also proposes that the Order was first firmed as a proto-Italic Mediterranean mystery cult modeled after the Orphic and Mithraic traditions of pre-Hellenic Greece and the Middle East. He cites as evidence not only the simultaneous appearance of a syncretized sect in Pompeii operating under the guise of a local cult of Cloacina, but also a possible transcription of an actual cult ritual: a reputed incantation of the Leaden Mysteries, as reported by the lone survivor of one of their fabled bacchanals and recounted to Pliny in Pompeii: ecce! mystae hi sunt, et fabri plumborum hi sunt! Behold, in our presence stand the initiates! In our
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presence stand the Plumbers! cur quareque plumbum? cur galena non? How and wherefore comes the smelted lead, and wherefore and how comes not the dross? ecce! paeninsula haec est, et viaeductus hic est! Behold, in our presence stands the isthmus! In our presence stands the aqueduct! cur quareque anas? cur gallina non? How and wherefore comes the waterfowl, and wherefore and how comes not the hen? The ceremony was concluded with the chorus cry of: ave Primus Pilus Spaldinus! We salute thee, our centurion, Spaldinus! ** Additional information is unavailable, as the lone initiate, fleeing the eruption of Vesuvius and caught in the deadly ash cloud, soon succumbed to double pneumonia. The cult prospered under the Caesars until the year 64, when some apprentices as part of their initiation loosened all the stone seat tiles in the Colosseum. After slipping from his throne in the imperial box, Nero declared the Ordo Plumborum to be a heretical sect, a decree which survived through the shift to Christianity, as documented in the writings of Irenaeus. The cult retreated
**Lucretius has quareve for quareque. (A. J. Phil. “Some Lucretian Emendations.” P. 185.) The ritual was also said to involve coconuts in some manner, and a veneration of the Four Brothers (see Posternak, J. “Vestiges of Indoeuropean Mythemes in Hellenistic Mystery Cults.”) Spaldinus presumably refers to a priest or senior initiate of the Leaden Mysteries using a ceremonial honorific with no military significance. Other textual evidence seems to indicate that Spaldinus had sought enlightenment abroad among the magi and had wandered through Africa and returned only to stay the summer through. Petrified artefacts from the site show signs of bread baked in the shape of exotic African fauna. underground, but first, as a petty revenge prank, set the Great Fire of Rome. And, naturally, it should come as no surprise that, from the very beginning, the Plumbers have associated themselves with humor and humor publishing, from the refined and sophisticated Attic Salt inscribed on purple parchment or palimpsest papyrus in Comic Sans, to stoic and cutting Laconic Wit chiseled into great tablets of sardonic sardonyx. The Order most famously printed the periodical anthology Libri Saturarum Ordinis Fabrorum Plumborum, which contained the first illegal reprinting of the Satires of Juvenal, with the title emended to “10 Shocking Observations that Will Make You Lose Your Faith in the Empire.” The codex, which was distributed gratis, nonetheless failed, most likely because the cult elders could not afford to hire an artisan to illustrate color covers. The High Priest, Maclintocus, defended the publication, saying, “Who says Juvenalia is too immature to publish?” And thus from then on down the centuries, this was never an issue for the journals of the Order.
The aftermath of a meeting of the editorial board of the Libri Saturarum.
An EUS Publication
Tune in next week for: “You’re the Only Hun for Me” or “The Medieval Within”
August 19th, 2015
JEDiTiNERARY We
s e n d
r u h T F
d ay
y sda
17:00-20:00
20:00-21:00
15:00-20:00
20:00- Drunk O’Clock
RALLY
Cloud City
20:00-22:00
22:00- Drunk O’Clock
A Galaxy Far Far Away
Chill Time on Hoth
La Cantina
9:00-19:00
19:00-21:00
21:00- Drunk O’Clock
Now Witness the Power y a rid of the Engineer
u S at
y rda
y a d n
21:00- Drunk O’Clock
May the Forum be with you
Imperial March
17:00-20:00
Su
RALLY
Jedi Academy
Naboo City Gas & Club Yoda
Ewok in the Park
Cinema-3P0
Order 66
It’s a Toga!
12:00-16:00
16:00-19:00
19:00-22:00
22:00- Drunk O’Clock
Here’s some JarJar Binks for you Because you didn’t get enough there’s no such thing as too much Jar Jar Binks. “MISA SO SAAARRY, YOUSA NEED ME THOUGH, RIGHT?” Of course. We love your voice, your personality, your ineptitude for death. Live long and prosper, Jar Jar Binks.
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An EUS Publication