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FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 4 • November 13th, 2013 The Eye of the Storm Issue
2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Captain Bad-Ass Daniel Dicaire The Hobo David Bailey Commodores Disarray Amanda dos Santos Faraz Oman Luis Pombo Able-Bodied Seamen Amanda dos Santos Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey Graham Pinchin Luis Pombo Petty Officers of Art Alexandra Foty (Cover) David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Faraz Oman Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus. ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 4 Wednesday, November 13th, 2013 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513
Letter from the Editors: Midterms. They suck. On the bright side, Venezuela just won Miss Universe, so give a high five to Carlos and Luis. I bet they miss their homeland during pageant season... I’d like to make a joke about crack smoking mayors, but I’ll do that later on in the issue. Speaking of embarrassing politicians, SSMU Club Council recently spent 2 hours debating whether to ban “Blurred Lines” from Gerts, before narrowly rejecting the motion. There were 3800 words of debate in the minutes. So you should go to the upcoming SSMU Club General Assembly, where you can argue about all your other favourite songs. If the government shutdown left you jaded about politics, the SSMU GA might make you weep. Now, since Halloween is over, it’s time to start buying eggnog and pine trees, because apparently Christmas is coming too soon for anyone to possibly get everything on time. You’ll be sick of the music in Starbucks before it’s even December. Forget what any of the artsies say. This is the absolute worst thing about capitalism. The good news is that we will soon be celebrating Rowdy Day, the Engineering holiday. After the celebration, there is a month long fast from Plumber’s Pockets and the sacred game of Beer Die. Clear your calendars for November 29th, and join the Plumbers’ Philharmonic Orchestra early for Free BEvERages!
-DD & DB
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From the Plumber’s Pot The Plumber’s Pot is a part of the EUS’s storied history. This publication began as a column in The McGill Daily, which one day held a vote to become terrible. The Pot went its own way, and as an EUS paper it chronicled all Engineering-related things, and was occasionally pretty offensive. Eventually, the Pot went too far and was banned from campus. Here’s a somewhat disturbing sample of what the Pot had to offer.
Toronto’s Latest Anti-Drug Campaign a Success -Set Phasers to Pun
It’s no secret that most major cities have a sizeable population of substance abusers. These people are more likely to cause public disturbances and perpetrate crimes to fuel various addictions. That is why the Toronto Public Works Department has commissioned a new strategy to reduce the abuse of hard substances such as meth and cocaine. Traditional police tactics call for brute force and dismantlement of major drugmoving operations. These methods eliminate the supply of drugs in the short term, but if demand is high, new producers will inevitably rise to take their place. So the question is, how can the government prevent people from wanting to do drugs? Scare tactics have proven ineffective. The D.A.R.E. program instituted in the States proved useless, as teens soon discovered that taking a single puff of marijuana does not give people super herpes. The new Toronto program had to thoroughly disgrace the image
of street drugs with entirely real facts, without exaggeration, or risk failure. So a new tactic was devised: stage the release of a video showing the most uncool person imaginable doing hard drugs. Someone who was unattractive, powerful, and representative of authority. Someone who was the complete opposite of the drug’s target audience. Enter Mayor Rob Ford. Ford bravely accepted his role to clean up the streets of his beloved city. He sacrificed the integrity of his magnificent body to the ravages of crack cocaine. Working with undercover agents, an aging police officer who was two weeks from retirement, and the secret clone of Stanley Kubrick, several videos were produced showing the devastating real life effects of smoking that sweet, sweet crack. Currently only the first two installments have been released. If the third film is successful, the producers are likely to green light a
prequel trilogy, staring Seth Rogan. Crack use has already hit a three-year low. Masses of former users have checked themselves into rehabilitation centers, hoping to shed their resemblance to their secretly heroic mayor. Unfortunately, use of meth and crystal meth has increased, as cocaine has been shown to not be an effective weight loss supplement. It remains to be seen if this project will be repeated or expanded in Toronto, but other cities have expressed interest in similar programs. Anthony Weiner was excited to do his part for New York City, but his self-discreditation program went off prematurely, ruining his election. With this latest advance in combating substance abuse, the world may soon be a better place thanks to men like Rob Ford.
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Faucet Awards!
Recognizing merit where nobody else will by Daniel Galef
As I’m sure my adoring readers know, I have recently become a household name (depending on your definition of a household). This year, I achieved prominence in my field, whatever that is, by compiling the first definitive list of historically important metabibliographies, as well as being hired to direct the upcoming music video of 4’33’’ (the dubstep remix). Having acquired some degree of notoriety (I am now the first thing that pops up if you type the first seventeen letters of my name into Google), I think it would be irresponsible of me not to see to the duties of my newfound fame and not-quiteyet-found fortune by formally recognizing the merit of others, and thus bringing their efforts to the attention of the unwashed and slovenly masses (read: you, my kind, dear readers). However eccentric and even degenerate the vast majority of my worthy and honorable peers may be, there exist among them those who almost deserve the fleeting glance of approval of a substitute journalist slash typewriter monkey for a sheaf of stapled pages printed on the back of used toilet paper. After all, people, organizations, and associations display their official views through the formal recognition of meritorious works and labors, and the time has come for the Leaky Faucet to step up and join the ranks of the not-too-shabby. Nations and emperors show their approval with the awarding of orders, honors, medals, and titles. Here in Canada, the Queen may choose to bestow upon any citizen the Order of Canada or the Order of Merit or any of among several established awards of state. The province of Quebec has its own set of awards, including the National Order of Quebec, presented in French and ritually accepted with the sticking out of one’s tongue in the direction of Buckingham Palace. Universi-
ties (and McGill) issue their pat-on-the-head to people who can’t be bothered to actually work for a degree with the granting of Honorary Degrees. Even clubs, magazines, and private individuals do it. That’s why I am now proud (and only slightly nauseated) to announce the first (and most likely last) annual awarding of the Faucet Honours, with the introduction and subsequent retiring of such prestigious and coveted prizes as the following: The Order of Operations The Order of Operations, first presented in 1912 to Professor Lawrence Higgsfellow for the discovery of the number seven, has been since awarded tetra-annually with bi-centennial exceptions to those displaying “meritorious distinction in the field(s) of mathematics, statistics, or analysis.” We forgot about it until now, actually, but dredged the medal up again, dusty, but with the engraving still legible, in a box of Edwardian failed thesis papers. The award entitles the winner to bragging rights, a monetary award of seven cents, minus a ten cent handling fee, and Jack nothing. The Order of Magnitude While the above decoration is awarded only for theoretical victories and dis- coveries, the Order of Magnitude is bestowed “for unique or overarching a c h i e v e ment in mathematics or physics.” The medal is absolutely not a flattened bottlecap glued to some aluminum foil with chewing gum and the outer ring of a toonie. The winner will have his or her
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or its name published in the Faucet, alongside a photograph of a particularly mangy rear end of a donkey. The first Order was given last year to my own Physics for Poets and Poetry for Physicists instructor, Dr Balliol, for seeing the potential in me and not failing me on the exam the following week. The Grand Sovereign Order of the Golden Martlett The highest and most distinguished award the Faucet can bestow, the Order of the Golden Martlett, carries with it the freedom of campus (during normal hours of operation), as well as charge-free access to any pub or club around Montreal (participating locations only). James McGill himself was the Order’s first grandmaster, after claiming to see little birds with no feet flying around him after his fifth fifth. The position, a precarious one, is currently held by University Recordskeeper Marco Kazablango, who stole it from the Principal when she wasn’t looking.
Self-applications and nominations for awards must be received by the author by last Tuesday and accompanied by an addressed envelope (I don’t care what you address it as, but I’ll call it Hubert); a filled-out nomination form, available from the office of the editor-in-chief of the McGill Daily; at least three signatures for your nominee; a three-page essay on why you or your nominee deserve to win the award (titled “The Effects of Circadian Rhythm Disruption on Conditioned Lab Assistants” and attributed to me for my report due tomorrow); and seventeen dollars in cash. Mail all applications, preferably written in crayon or stenciled spray paint, to the offices of the McGill Daily, and, if you don’t hear back within a few minutes, go ahead and send it to them again, with some attached death threats. They will also answer any and all questions, comments, and complaints, ideally posed in speaking greeting card form.■
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Faucets Eleven A Post-Midterm Heist by Liquid Giggles
Well, midterms are drawing to a close, but only because the menace of exams is looming nearer. Don’t worry though, there are still plenty of projects and assignments to suck away your drinking time and prevent you from preparing for exams. But there are still adventures to be had. Complete this Mad Lib for a tale of intrigue set during this busy time of year.
Fill in the blanks and enter them on page 20! 1. Noun __________________________________ 2. Adverb _________________________________ 3. Noun ___________________________________ 4. Verb ending in -ing ________________________ 5. Noun ___________________________________ 6. Type of clothing __________________________ 7. Type of clothing (plural) ____________________ 8. Noun ___________________________________ 9. Type of professional _______________________ 10. Adjective _______________________________ 11. Noun __________________________________ 12. Noun __________________________________ 13. Noun __________________________________ 14. Noun (plural) ___________________________ 15. Number ________________________________ 16. Noun (plural) ___________________________ 17. Type of animal (plural)____________________ 18. Type of food ____________________________ 19. Noun __________________________________ 20. Onomatopoeia __________________________ 21. Something you wear ______________________ 22. Body part ______________________________ 23. Body part ______________________________ 24. Noun __________________________________ 25. Noun __________________________________ 26. Noun __________________________________
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Fortune, Glory, and Spam A week in the life of the Faucet inbox by David Bailey You know, it may seem like the Faucet is just a small engineering humour paper, but we are actually a big deal. We are inundated with emails every day from people all over the world. And I’m not just talking any emails – I mean emails from bankers, politicians, diplomats, and rich philanthropists, all seeking the help of a publication they can trust. For example, just today I was contacted by the Honourable Doctor Kofi Asare, a politician and member of Ghana’s executive committee on contract awards, and he needs my help on a project contract. So I sent Dr. Asare an email, and we’ll see how it goes. I also learned today that the Central Bank of Nigeria has agreed to remit me the millions of dollars they owe me, so I sent them my account details. They later sent me a second email, identical but with everything bolded, so I replied with my account details again, bolded. As you can see, being editor of the Faucet is exciting business. For your interest, I figured I’d summarize the rest of the emails I received in the last week. It’s true we are a humour paper, but we are not joking this time – this is a faithful representation of all the exciting opportunities we have been approached with: From: Speedex Delivery and Logistic Company UK Mr. Patrick Gates, ATM/Wire Transfer Operations Manager and Hiring Gareth & Catherine Bull
Mr. Antonio Carballeda
Barbeau R. Noel
Software online promotion KATTY WATT
Sarah Marianne Adams
What It’s About: They have two packages for me with military tags.
What I Gave Them: My full address, as requested. I hope I get a bazooka!
Approval of my compensation funds for the remittance of My full name, phone number, residenmy US$500,000.00 payment, for something to do with a tial address, profession, and copy of contract and the Office of the Presidency. my ID. Pretty straightforward, eh? They won £41 Million British Pounds, and are donating £1.5 Million British Pounds to ten individuals selected from random emails provided by Google, Inc. I didn’t know faucet@mcgilleus.ca was administered by Google! The subject line is “CONGRATULATIONS”, and he is telling me to open an attachment for my claims.
My full name, phone number, age, and country. No more Johnnie Walker Red Label for me!
I just had to open the attachment. I couldn’t tell what it was, but I just bought a new Lamborghini in anticipation of my newfound wealth. He was just asking if I got his first email, and is offering to I replied. I forget where I met Barb, resend it if I didn’t. but I’m not very good with names. We’ll see what’s up soon. My email address won in category A for the “E-mail free I sent an email to Mr. Michael ThomOnline draws” in England, in June 2013. son for immediate transfer of the funds. The subject line is “PROJECT!!!”, and the email reads I emailed her back. I hope it leads to “I HAVE A PROJECT FOR YOU!” and gives an email an internship! address. A religious woman diagnosed with cancer is giving I emailed her lawyer, Barrister J.P $5,500,000 USD for the “good work of the lord”. She gives Balkema. But she’s pretty naïve if she a long sob-story, but bottom line is that the money is thinks I won’t keep the money for being given to me to distribute. myself after she kicks the bucket!
the plumber’s FAUCET From:
What It’s About:
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What I Gave Them:
Barclays Bank PLC
They are giving me an ATM card with a maximum of 2.5 million GBP. I know it’s legit, because they say, “Please be informed that this is a real and not a bogus card so be rest assured that the money will be cleared immediately a withdrawal is affected.” Bota Tit Men, from They found my name on the internet, which is the same Bopha & Co, a legal as the name as their deceased client. Since there was no firm in Cambodia written will and because we have the same surname, they are giving me his $12 million. Thank you, Chhoun Maly Bailey! Mr. Ibrahim Lamor- The EFCC has been cracking down on scam artists in the de, chairman of Eco- western part of Africa with the help of the US Governnomic & Financial ment and the UN. They have recovered a ton of money, Crime Commission and are distributing it to 100 individuals found in the files of the scam artists. I am one of them, and am receiving $2.5 million! Funny though, because I have never fallen for a scam. Sarah Marianne The same woman with cancer, sending the same email. I Adams guess the cancer must be affecting her memory too. It’s quite sad. Lucky Day Lottery This lotto company, approved by the Netherlands GamInternational, Claim ing Board, is informing me that my email address won Department 850,000.00 Euros.
My full name, telephone number, and mailing address.
My full name, telephone number, and mailing address.
My full name, mailing address, profession, ID, and phone number. They will be providing me with a Swift Card with a limit of $5000 per day, to withdraw the funds with.
I sent her the info again. I hope that she is not in any pain. I emailed a certain Todd Bradley, and give him my name, age, sex, address, email, phone, occupation, company, and country. I was relieved that the email is real, so I contacted their legal department. Money money money – hell yeah!
Hawsford Associates The law firm is distributing money to an electronically selected email in accordance with the will of a Mr. Bob Richard. Apparently Bob wanted the money distributed to charitable causes, so I don’t know why they are contacting me - but whatever. I was a bit suspicious about my share of ten million pounds until I saw this: “As a result of the ongoing internet difficulties and scam activities going on the internet, many people are scared and afraid when they received this type of email. Note: This message is real. Feel free to contact us. You are in the right place.” TD Canada Trust They noticed an issue on my account, so they need furI followed the link, entered my ther account verification. banking info, and now everything is hunky-dory. Good thing too, because my account is probably loaded now with all the money I have been raking in!
$$
$$
And there you have it – a week in the life of the Faucet Inbox! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to order a Shamwow, learn 5 quick tips to lose fat, and buy an extended warranty on my printer. See you at the yacht!
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Love, Loss, and the Road The dramatic third installment in the story of Montreal’s greatest jaywalker by Liquid Giggles
In the last installment, our hero moved to Montreal, where he climbed through the ranks of the criminal underworld to become an accomplished jaywalker. However, his crime spree was brought to a halt when a humiliating jaywalking ticket caused him to spiral into deep depression. Like Al Capone or Charlie ‘Lucky’ Luciano, my life of crime had been prematurely cut short by the authorities. The $74 jaywalking ticket stung, and I became broodingly obsessed with it. It sat on my counter, and I could think of nothing but it. Jaywalking was my passion; it was something that made me feel invincible and on top of the world. With that $74 fine, the illusion was shattered and I became a broken man. For a solid two weeks I didn’t break a single traffic law. I even waited for the light at that ridiculous intersection of Milton and Hutchinson. My brooding caused my grades to plummet and my relationships to suffer. I might have dropped out of McGill (and worse still, paid the ticket), if I had not met Atia. I met her one day when I was waiting for the light at Sherbrooke and McGill College, at a time when traffic is thickest. It was not the sort of place I would have jaywalked even before the incident on Pins. So I was very surprised when a dark haired girl brushed right by me, straight onto the street – I thought it
was suicide. But her timing and pacing were so perfect that that there was always a gap in her lane just big enough for her to slip through without anyone slamming on the brakes. She moved through the lanes like a nimble running back weaving through a succession of linebackers. My heart started beating and the world around grew still – never had I beheld such beauty. I forgot the ticket, took a quick look at the traffic, and ran onto Sherbrooke. A second later there was a honk and a squeal of brakes. Embarrassing, but it caused her to turn around and lock eyes with me. I regained my composure, ob-
served the traffic once more, and ploughed across the rest of the street, weaving through the three remaining lanes expertly, though not quite with her grace. A wry grin crossed her face; she was clearly flattered by my efforts, and though my jaywalking was not perfect, I could tell that she was impressed by my talent. “Let’s go for a walk!” she cried. She nodded playfully towards Mcgill College, and sprinted down and across the street, weaving through traffic. I gave chase and followed her across. On that blissful afternoon, she led me through the streets of Montreal,
the plumber’s FAUCET from St. Denis to Atwater, joyfully jaywalking the busiest roads of the city. She was obviously testing me, but at the same time she was showing me a trick or two. She signaled in the direction of any police cars she saw, and my sense of awareness of the ticket givers grew keener. I saw how her gait had a strange air of confidence that seemed to reassure drivers that they should not slam on their brakes – they knew she wouldn’t be a problem. Never had I been so daring in jaywalking. My passion for this woman made me take risks I never would have taken before, but under her expert lead I felt perfectly safe and confident. By sundown we had made it to Molson Stadium, where the labyrinthine intersections below the stadium are a sight of beauty to those who rebel against traffic laws. As the sun set over the tangled mess of roads, we sat on the grass and formally introduced ourselves. Her name was Atia, and she was a Poli-Sci student from Germany. She had grown up oppressed by an aggressive anti-jaywalking culture – Germany was the sort of place where people would walk around the outside perimeter of a roundabout in a rural area with no traffic, rather than simply walking over it. It turned out we had a lot in common, and we talked about jaywalking into the night. When it was very late, we headed to my apartment, and made passionate love until the sun came up. The next year was the happiest of my life. Atia helped me erase my ticket by challenging it, because Montreal courts are so clogged that you will never actually have to pay (it’s years later now, and I am yet to get a court date). With my con-
fidence restored, Atia and I took a walk every evening, and would experiment with the most exciting forms of jaywalking imaginable. On multiple occasions we snuck onto freeways, sometimes in heavy traffic. We dodged past cops, and would sometimes jaywalk directly behind them. I learned a lot from Atia, and she told me frequently that I truly had a gift for jaywalking. In fact, we were soon on a par, and I was able to teach her a trick or two of my own. Like Bonnie and Clyde, we were partners in crime, and it was with Atia that I truly discovered what love is. It was from this partnership that our son was born, who we named Jason, or Jay for short. Tragically, the good times could not last. Atia had been leading a protest movement online against exorbitant German jaywalking fines. But in Germany, to speak against the little red “Nicht Gehen” sign is a criminal offense. Though Atia tried to hide her identity, eventually the inevitable happened and she was extradited. Love forged in the middle of a street of heavy traffic is not easily broken, and we kept in contact – Jay and I even visited her a few times throughout her trial and subsequent imprisonment. But fate is cruel, and never again would I jaywalk in bliss with the love of my life. One morning Atia managed to get past the prison walls, and needed only to get to the nearby train station to escape. The only thing blocking her were 6 lanes of traffic running by the prison. She had to act fast as the guards on patrol would see her in a second, but the
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traffic on the street was heavy and her legs were shackled together so that she could barely walk. Security footage shows her deftly shuffling through traffic, brilliant and graceful despite her chains and the months prison had kept her from the roads. She navigated lane after lane of Porches and Volkswagens without so much as a horn or slammed brake. And at last, as she was crossing the final lane, with plenty of time to avoid the incoming Audi, she suddenly stood still. A prison guard had fired a Taser at its maximum range of 11 meters, and through sheer luck had hit her square in the back. The Audi slammed on its brakes, but it was too late. Atia died ten minutes later, but earwitnesses report that she kept repeating a name, again and again. My name. She also whispered a message to a doctor who was on the scene, which he later relayed to me. If it were not for the message, I would have become a shell of a man, and would have jaywalked with a death wish until finally having that wish granted. Her message was simple: “You are walking for two now. Make the world a freer place for Jay to walk.”
In the stunning finale of this series, see our hero travel the world, infiltrate the political system, raise the next generation of jaywalkers, and become recognized as the Godfather of Jaywalking.
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Less time for thinking, more time for drinking: Which moustache to grow? START by Amanda dos Santos
Fu Manchu
Dali NO you read the faucet like an engineer, but are you a secret, inner artsie?
Do you toil away for days in an underground lab (perhaps nicknamed “the dungeon”)?
YES
YES
kind of an evil genius? NO
NO
YES NO
Philosophy or art history?
Do you have friends from the McGill Daily who might nag you about cultural appropriation?
Art Philosophy at blues pub, do you strategically sit down to better view the badonkadonks? do you also sniff hair and/or sell drugs?
NO
What do you eat at the mcConnell caf?
YES
Handlebar
Pizza
creep. can you grow a dense mustache? NO
YES
2-wheeled vehicle of choice? Bixie
chopper
Pencil Peach Fuzz Biker
YES
So you’re more evil than genius. prepared to wear a suit and bowler hat at all times for the next month? NO
YES
Stir Fry
Toothbrush
Jamie or adam? Adam
Jamie
Walrus
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The Dali It sort of looks like whiskers, but bitches love both cats and sensitive painter types, so you will have no trouble finding live nude models.
The PeachFuzz Puberty will hit eventually.
The Fu Manchu It takes serious commitment to emulate this controversial evil genius. May offend most of the world’s population and get you banned from SSMU Club.
The Pencil At best, you’re Zorro; at worst, you’re really fucking creepy, with the mustache version of over-plucked eyebrows.
The Biker Trucker by day, biker by night. This face fur shows that you’re tough as nails.
The Handlebar Lucky you, this one is actually somewhat in style. You might need to buy some tight pants and whimsical accessories, but everyone will know you’re ironically moustached.
The Toothbrush You aren’t too wellversed in history, but if you dress as Charlie Chaplin you might survive. If you say you’re James McGill, artsies might take it as a clever political statement.
The Walrus Yekshemesh.
Model: James McGill. Artist: Amanda dos Santos
12 the plumber’s FAUCET by Daniel Galef
Imperial Census and Assay of Petronia and Dominions, Including a Quantitative and Qualitative Demographic Outline of Her Subjects, as Well as a Territorial Definition and Survey, and the Drafting of an Accurate Map of the Empire, and a Taxonomical Description of the Varied and Diverse Wildlife of the Region as researched and compiled by His Imperial and Royal Highness, Robert I & I, D. G. S. P. Q. P. the First and Foremost Emperor (per Orem) of Petronia and Dominions, King and Protector of the Crown Territory of Isle Verde, Protector of the Faith, &c. at the command of Ditto, The Same, The Above, and The Aforementioned
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Part I: History and Founding of the Empire of Petronia (and Dominions) The long and noble history of the Empire is known to stretch back at least as far as 2011, when HIRH Emperor Robert I & I, who would later become the first king of the new land, discovered and conquered the land that would be Petronia from the territorial waters of Indonesia, or possibly Polynesia (see Geographical Assay, below). At the time, his Majesty was known on the world stage simply as Robert Jones, a subject of a foreign crown and yet to stumble upon true power. Upon surveying his dominions and establishing his rule, this document was drawn up to commemorate and record for posterity his reign. The largest territorial upheaval occurred in 2012, with the annexation of Isle Verde.
Part II: Geographical Assay of the Empire, Establishing Her Borders and Features The mainland of Petronia is thought to have emerged from the pristine ocean sometime between the dawn of time and 2011, when the era of recorded history begins, and with it, the first evidence of habitation in the then-unnamed and -unknown continent. Though accurate and precise measuring tools are currently wanting, the Empire is known to span at least five hundred Robertsfoots from the tip of Point Robert to Roberts Bay, and more than seven hundred across. The land is lush and plentiful, bearing many types of vegetation as well as diverse animal life (see Taxonomical Assay, below). The highest point in the Kingdom is the peak of Mount Robert, which rises a full two Palmtreeheights above the canopy. Mount Robert is home to the Colossus Palm, the largest tree in the Empire, and also two freshwater springs that, at their confluence, form the Petronia River, which flows down into the sea at Roberts Bay. Annexed in 2012, Isle Verde comprises the largest of the Imperial Offshore Territories, being perhaps fifty Robertsfoots around. Though a permanent colony is yet to be set up, at least one subject has been known to swim out and back on a daily basis, and reports that, while lacking in vegetation and shelter, the island is home to vast, untapped natural resource stores of both guano and guano-birds, the latter of which taste much better than the little silvery fish (see Taxonomical Assay, below).
14 the plumber’s FAUCET Little is known about what lies beyond the far side of Isle Verde, but it is likely that Petronia lies somewhere in the southern hemisphere, possibly between South America in the east and Africa in the west, or maybe vice versa. Though the Imperial libraries do not contain a reliable star chart, constellations have been sighted that look remarkably like Emperor Robert, like a boat, like a ship, like an airplane, and like a large plate of steak and mashed potatoes.
Part III: Demographic Census of the Empire Following a thorough and detailed survey of the population of Petronia and Dominions, the Imperial Government has arrived at the following conclusions: The stable population of the Empire has held at one. [ADDENDUM: The population has increased by approximately 10000% since the long-awaited granting of citizenship to the white birds that comprise the main residents if Isle Verde, a historically oppressed and unrepresented majority.] One hundred percent of the adult population of the Empire of Petronia is male, dark-haired, and bearded. Calls for diversification have been made, but little to no increase in immigration rates has been noted. Birth rates have been holding steady at zero per thousand, as have death rates, with much effort being made by the government to preserve this statistic.
Part IV: Taxonomical Survey of the Empire, with Detailed Descriptions of Flora and Fauna The Petronian mainland is blessed with varied and diverse wildlife, including several varieties of animal life, as well as lush vegetation. The most common arboreal features are the Island Palm, discovered and catalogued by the Imperial Taxonomical Committee in 2011. These provide the majority of the terrestrial landmass of the Empire with shade, and are also invaluable as building materials and providers of some sort of small, brown fruit that is believed to be neither a coconut nor a frond. The largest of these is the Colossus Palm on the northern face of Mount Robert. Island Ferns inhabit the entirety of the nation except the beaches. Edible red berries (Robertsberries) grow on the thorned boughs of the little bushes with the rounded leaves, and are wholesome and beneficial to health, but unwholesome purple berries on the boughs of the bushes with the pointed leaves (Poisonberries) have been documented to cause fever and vomiting. Little silver fishes swim in the warm, blue waters surrounding the Empire and taste passable with the red berries. Public opinion of the fish has improved since the establishing of the Imperial Cooking Fire. Larger silver fish and even large silver fish have been sighted in the Petronia River, but expeditions to further study the animals have failed, as the river is also home to twenty-five-foot green gharials. The Imperial Committee on Biodiversity and Conservation is currently brainstorming methods to exterminate these creatures, which have been declared by the Emperor himself a bane to public welfare and a menace to society. Several score white birds (Guano Birds) either live on or regularly visit the rocky outcrops of Isle Verde. They are distinguished by orange or yellow beaks and webbed feet, and black or grey marks anywhere on their bodies. They taste very good when roasted, but are difficult to catch (reports the Governor and Master of the Hunt). Interesting tracks have been discovered by an observant subject, and have yet to be identified, though they do not correlate with any of the species previously mentioned. An expert at the Imperial Committee on Zoology believes they may belong to a colony of wild or feral peccaries or tapirs, which are said to taste even better than white birds. An exploratory expedition has been planned.
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Part V: Being the Constitution of Petronia, a list of Imperial Edicts and Proclamations Imperial Edicts and Proclamations as of the Printing, in Order of Declared Priority:
Survival Act of 2011 (Continuing Enforcement/Implementation, High Priority):
To devote resources and priority toward the acquirement and utilization of life-sustaining resources for the use of prolonging and improving the life of the subjects of the emperor.
Article I (Freshwater Edict):
To construct a government-subsidized device for the purification of potable water from existing resources, for the free use of the public as citizens of the Empire and subjects of the Emperor (completed by the Imperial Committee of Engineers and the Imperial Scientific Corps in association with the Department of Hydrology of the Imperial University at Petronia City, 2011).
Article II (Hunting and Agricultural Edict):
To procure edible and nourishing comestibles for the free use of the public as citizens of the Empire and subjects of the Emperor, and to stockpile excesses of this industry, as well as the tools and means of its implementation, as imperial property (ongoing, successful).
Article III (Vestal and Culinary Edict [cf. Pharos Edict, Act II, Article I, Section I]): To construct and continue the life of a Fire for the convenience and diverse uses of the public as citizens of the Empire and subjects of the Emperor atop the peak of Mount Robert (ongoing, successful).
Article IV (Grand Imperial Palace Edict):
To construct suitable and stately government-subsidized premises for the free residence of the public as citizens of the Empire and subjects of the Emperor (completed by the Imperial Committee of Engineers and Guild of Architects, 2011).
Emigration and Egress Act of 2011 (Continuing Enforcement/Implementation, High Priority): To devote resources and priority toward the facilitation and implementation of the safe and government-subsidized emigration of one hundred percent of the population of Petronia beyond the borders of sovereign imperial territory.
Article I (International Recognition and Publicity Edict): To promote the awareness and image of Petronia to foreign governments, individuals, and organizations.
Section I (Pharos Edict [cf. Vestal and Culinary Edict, Act I, Article III]): To construct and continue the life of a Fire for the contact and communication of other nations, individuals, and organizations for the furtherment of outside recognition and publicity atop the peak of Mount Robert.
16 the plumber’s FAUCET Individual Rights and Priviledges Act of 2012 (Continuing Enforcement, Medium Priority): To grant to all members of the populace as citizens of the Empire and subjects of the Emperor the liberty to act as they so choose in any manner not explicitly/expressly forbid by the Law or by the Emperor.
Article I (Restrictions on the Above: The Law): To establish the illegality and consequent punishments of any action that unnecessarily harms one or more sentient beings in any way and/or unnecessarily causes or allows one or more sentient beings to come to harm.
Article II (Definition of the Law):
To establish as supreme and absolute in power and authority in matters public and private within the borders of Petronia and Dominions the Emperor of that Ilk.
Conclusion The goal of this document is the edification and recognition of every one of the subjects of HIRH Emperor Robert I & I, as well as that of foreign powers and sovereign heads of other nations. Thus, being completed and approved by the Imperial Board of Information Services and the High Council, it will now be published into the bottle found by a patriotic subject on the shore this week and submitted for your approval as hard as I can. If you find this, I rest assured that you will assume proudly and stoically your duty to aid the Empire in any way you can, beginning by organizing an expeditionary force to establish diplomatic relations. Bring a hot steak.
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SSMU Club Issues Apology to the Smurf Community By: El Pitufisimo Photos of students wearing blueface at the SSMU Club’s 4Storeys party last Thursday sparked controversy on social media sites and prompted SSMU Club to issue an official apology for failing to establish “sufficient preventative, antioppressive measures.” In
the
statement released y e s t e r d ay S S M U Club said that the incident, a l o n g with other depictions of various comic and television franchise characters, was an “act of microaggression that cannot be justified as creativity.” “Dressing up as creatures of colour or fictional creatures perpetuates discrimination towards groups that are historically and culturally disadvantaged on the basis of their colour, height, and other physical characteristics. […] It is disappointing to see that
there are individuals who lack the necessary understanding or respect,” the statement read. In an email to The Faucet, Schtroumpf Grognon, the political coordinator for the Smurf Students’ Network (SSN), called the incident “completely inexcusable” and said that the SSN was “firm in their stance that the costume is insulting, both toward McGill and Montreal’s Smurf community.” “I do believe that it is SSMU Club club’s number one responsibility to make sure that they provide a safe and comfortable environment for all. It was a huge oversight on their part to allow these students to enter,” he said. Grognon called on SSMU Club to implement “more fictional creature educational programs” and added that it was “unacceptable” for students to be “incapable of seeing the hugely offensive nature of this costume.” SSMU Club’s Equity Policy calls for the student society to create a “safe haven for all of our members,” and Section 6.4 labels “harassment or discrimination of
disadvantaged groups ” as “serious offences.” The policy applies to all staff and elected representatives, as well as “all activities and events hosted, funded, and promoted by the Society.”
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Ask Tribaholic For when traditional advice just doesn’t cut it by Tribaholic Question: I am currently online dating a man who I met through LoL. He thinks I am a 23 year old gymnast, but I really am a 43 year old computer salesman. Advice? -Brony6969 Answer: Well Brony 6969, here at the Faucet we embrace the idea that relationships founded on lies are the longest lasting ones – after all, look at Stalin and Hitler! A romance for the ages. The trick here is to get him so invested in you that he can’t break up. Start by telling more lies. Your mother got hit by a car, and you can’t afford her hospital bills – this gets them emotionally and financially involved with you. Then pretend you broke your ankle, and can’t be a gymnast anymore. This emotional pain can only be assuaged by making him sign a contract to never leave you ever, as well as requiring him to hand over custody of your joint Neopet. Then, just when he is reeling from all these emotions, fake your own death, take the money and Neopet, and run. Seriously? You thought there was some better way out of this? Idiot.
Question: I think my cat is a homosexual. He won’t get together with the nice lady cat I set him up with! -Confused Pussy
Question: I can’t get my girlfriend off? Do you have any surefire tips for bringing your lady to climax? -Not a Faucet Editor
There are a couple likely culprits here. First, look at the lady cat. Give her the old onceover. Is she attractive? Is her hair long and luxurious, does she make you go purrrrrrr? If not, your cat is likely faking being gay. This is a system often used by Bengal cats, 16 year old boys getting hit on by their fat vice principal, and Siamese cats. Generally, the best way to call your cat out on this is by publicly shaming them over Facebook. On the off chance your cat is actually gay, I recommend a system of Bible camps, scripture reading, and some light electric shock therepy. I should know, it worked for me and my live-in roomate! Now I can even cuddle with him to keep warm without any indecorous thoughts.
Answer: Give her my number
Question: How do you get white wine and vomit out of a blue area rug? -Lianna Lightweight Answer: So for the first time in the history of Ask Tribaholic, I think we have a question that actually deserves an answer! Congratulations, 17 year old sorority girl! Use a paper towel to remove the large spots. Then cover with baking soda and throw a towel on top of that. Let sit for a couple days. Masturbate, or get an arts degree. Stay occupied. Then vaccum up/ otherwise clean up the small, dried chunks of baking soda. If there’s still a dark spot, generic carpet cleaner will remove the stain. Or keep it there, odourless, as a badge of pride.
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Faucets Eleven - A Post-Midterm Heist by Liquid Giggles
Complete page 5 before reading!
I never considered myself to be good at sneaking about, but University is a time of 1.____________________, and one November I found myself involved in the 2.____________________ reverse-heist McGill has ever seen. It was after midterm season, and the day before I had completed my final project for a course, which was on advanced mathematics of 3.____________________. The problem was, I had missed the class to hand it in since I was 4.____________________, and the professor was being a real 5.____________________ and refusing to accept it late. So I hatched a plan – I would sneak into his office and stick it in the pile myself. In the dead of night, I headed out wearing a 6.____________________ and a pair of 7.____________________ (the perfect cat burglar’s outfit), and I headed to the 8.____________________ Building, which I did not have card-reader access to. I waited until I saw a 9.____________________ inside, and caught his attention. I explained that I was a 10.____________________ 11.____________________, and needed to get inside to get a 12.____________________. He didn’t believe me, so I offered him a 13.____________________ to look the other way, which was all I had to bribe him with. Fortunately, he bought it and let me through. I wandered through the halls, watching out for any activity. One of the classrooms still had a class going on, which was about 14.____________________, and was attended by 15.____________________ young 16.____________________. I was surprised when a pack of wild 17.____________________ ran past, apparently headed for the leftover 18.____________________ in the cafeteria. When I reached the professor’s office, I took out a 19.____________________, which is very useful for picking locks. It took me a couple tries, but eventually I heard the lock go 20.____________________, and I entered the office and shut the door behind me. When I switched on the light, I was greeted by a terrible sight. There was the professor, handcuffed to his desk and wearing nothing but a blindfold and a 21.____________________. “You’re back eh? You still want that A, Mr. Hendriks? It’s time you got educated!” He obviously meant another student, but as he rolled over to expose his 22.____________________ to me, I saw the projects wedged under his 23.____________________. Well, I didn’t come to McGill to fail my classes, so I took a deep breath and dove into the action. Not only did I get my project into the pile while we were engaged in the “24.____________________” position, but when he found out who I was, I soon felt the course get a lot easier. Remember kids, if 25.____________________ and 26.____________________ don’t pay off in school, there’s always crime and debauchery to fall back on!