The DisnE-Week Issue

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 6 • January 7th, 2014

The DisnE-Week Issue

DisnE-Week E - We e k 2 0 1 4

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead

Letter from the Editors: Just when you thought it was over, you’re back.

That’s right, there are two semesters to every school year. It’s back to Kraft Dinner and Sriracha, only with the added guilt of that lie you told yourself on New Year’s that makes gym owners spontaneously combust with delight. Have no fear! Just as you are back in your classes, the Faucet will continue to be just as haphazardly thrown together as it always has.

Tarzan & Jane Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Dwarfs of Diction Luzy Zheng Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey E-Week Committee

As you spend these first few days of the semester waiting for Minerva to tell you what grades you got last semester, or waiting for Minerva to process your schedule changes, or waiting for Minerva to come back online, or buying a new monitor because Minerva made you throw your old one out the window, or reading grammatically incorrect run on sentences, you can also envy those gleeful participants of E-Week!

101 Animations MAME Council (Cover) David Bailey

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 6 Tuesday, January 7th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

We’ve cleverly inserted clues throughout this issue that you can assemble into this year’s theme. I hope that you can guess the answer, once upon a time, but not any old Dumbo will be able to figure out.

Ask any of the E-Week coordinators and they will tell you that this is going to be the biggest E-Week of all time in terms of membership and participation, but we doubt it can compare to the antics of E-Week 1975. That’s probably a good thing, as they give police officers radios these days.

In other news, the Faucet has moved into the contraceptives industry. That’s right, we now have custom-printed, FDA approved, 100% latex condoms. Actually, they were delivered right at the start of the break, but might be lost in McGill’s internal mail system. Seriously. But they’ll pop up any day, so try not to have too much unprotected sex until then. When we do have them, you can buy them from the G Store for $3.00, or from one of us directly for $2.50. That’s right, it’s a 50 cent convenience fee so G Store can get a share. But who cares? I mean, with the rates your mother charges, $3.00 is just a drop in the bucket.

And that’s it until Groundhog Day. Happy E-Week!

-DD & DB

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McGill Tips the Scale to Profitability

by Set Phasers to Pun

In a shocking but eagerly awaited report from the University’s administration, the harsh austerity measures that have plagued the course calendar may soon be at an end. Since the beginning of the fall semester, McGill has been cutting lectures and offering early retirement incentives in the hopes to offset the fiscal losses incurred by a lack in provincial funding.

That all seems to have changed as proceeds from the McGill athletic complex have added much needed stimulus into the slim, yet un-toned coffers of the University.

“While we have tried everything to trim the fat from the budget, nothing was enough. I never thought the gym would help keep us in line,” said senior financial

analyst Ron L. MacDonald. “It just seemed like the celebrity schools like Harvard never had to deal with these kinds of problems. I thought it was genetics.”

Enrollment at the student fitness center has quintupled over the holiday break, cashing in on the hopes of hundreds of people who really want to start taking selfies in portrait mode. Yes, dozens of accountants are telling themselves that “this will be the year” that they can squeeze into those trendy new investment packages that are all the rage on Wall Street. Only time will tell if they will be successful.

Our Faucet Undergraduate Commerce Knowledgebase, Scrooge MacDuck, isn’t so sure that these sorts of gains will lead

to long term success. It seems that these sort of rapid action plans like “Lose Debt Fast” and “the Bookie Diet” are impulsive rather than sustainable. Sure it’s tempting to set unrealistic goals for yourself, but all too often the temptation to put up the extra bike gate will set you further back. Institutions who are hoping to become prosperous need to focus less on unnecessary indulgences, like Philosophy, and more on wholesome programs, like Business, Medicine, and Engineering. You know, the ones with students who will have money to donate one day.

Alas, only so much good can come from prediction, analysis ,and sloppily written metaphors in humour magazines.

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The Faucet bears no responsibility for who you trust for birth control. Who do you think we are? Experts?

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A Roomie Life, A Glowing Relish High

by Daniel Galef This is it. Finally, my life stands a chance to maybe get a bit better. If I can just get through a bit more, maybe I can actually get somewhere!

Whrrrrrr! Whrrrrrr! My printer hums to life and quickly fabricates a dozen or so copies of the same advert. I pick one up and take a look at how it came out:

Roommate wanted.

Am civil, decent individual with quiet tendencies and stable employment. Must be neat, have clean criminal record, steady job, etc. Those violating one or more conditions will not be considered for position! Must go to sleep before five in the morning and wake before three in the afternoon. A limit is placed at nine consecutive hours of video games. These may be played without the use of a microphone into which you yell a steady stream of profanities and ethnic slurs at fictional characters.

I don’t care if your friends are doing the same thing in another room. Their roommate must be more tolerable, or possibly deaf. Lights out at no specific time, but eventually. Don’t just leave them all on, all the time. Some human beings may not require darkness to rest, but I haven’t yet sold my soul to Jagex and have no interest in doing so.

The door has a lock, but it will only prevent my laptop and your several hundred dollars worth of joysticks (which of course you don’t have because you’re a polite and kind individual applying to be a new roommate and your hobbies include reading quietly and discussing others’ problems) from being stolen by anyone who passes by if you actually use it. And to do that, you’ll have to close the door. If you want to be murdered in your sleep, hey, that’s your business (though I’d be happy to help you out if you’d care to continue carrying on as you — ah, just kidding, stranger, right), but I have organs I’d like to keep.

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One personality is enough; if you require medication to refrain from stabbing friends, please do not apply. I am not, in general, a fan of elaborate interior decor, but I do not subscribe to modern schools of design that advocate the strategic placement of food wrappers and dirty dishes around carpets, unless it’s a clever ploy to draw the rats from all the other rooms on the floor.

Your hair is lovely, when, if it’s the first of the month, you’ve actually washed it, yet excuse me if I do not care to run into sentient clumps of it in taking a shower or walking across the bathroom. I have never before used a shag-carpeted sink, nor do I feel the need to. I am not sure, but have heard that things can be made cleaner with the careful application of water, and, in extreme circumstances, soap. This is not a suggestion, as you seem to be immune, but merely an observation of how the rest of mankind, to which I assume, perhaps hastily, that you belong, behaves, and, by adhering to such behavior, they sometimes smell better than the dumpster they apparently spent all night in with their equally loud and low-trouser-wearing buddies before rolling in wasted and stoned (Woned? Stasted?) at four a.m., turning on all the lights and the hip-hop, and starting a three-hour campaign in a game in which you play a creature that doesn’t exist and kill all of your friends while using slang that no one has ever used outside of bracketed emoticons in a 1995 chatroom, to people that suggested that maybe you didn’t quite need to use all capital letters when referring to the original poster’s mother as an epithet you invented, now most likely a hate crime in several provinces.

Anyway, applicants are referred to the number below.

Cell: 514-314-2718 Page 2 of 2 Huh. I sure hate it when my roommate uses my printer without asking.

He can really be a jerk sometimes.

Now to get back to shouting homophobic jokes at animated orcs!

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The Plumber’s Pot and E-Weeks Past Once upon a time, in the city of Montreal, there was a school called McGill. And at this school, there was a coarse, energetic, heavy-drinking, and lovable group of students known as the engineers. The funniest and rudest of these wrote for a publication known as the Plumber’s Pot, which threw political correctness and good taste out the window as it let loose its peculiar blend of engineering humour. And every year, they would report on the events of E-Week, a decades old tradition that still exists to day, now with considerably less theft, police brutality (meaning brutality towards the police), and balanced gender ratios. Read below the Pot’s Report on E-Week 1975, with the main body faithfully retyped. (For those confused by the title, I think at that the time, E-Week and Management Carnival were both referred to as part of a small-c carnival week).

Violence and terror cut into Carnival gaiety this week when several rampaging engineers mugged Carnival mascot Snookums. Commenting afterwards the ringleader related this dastardly and horrifying account. “We lured da mudder outa da Union an’ we let im have it. He didn’t know what hit ‘im. We stripped him an’ left him lying dere in his scivies. Funny thing, he’s got that silly grin even when he’s not wearing the head”.

very strong girls’ team from Gamma Phi Beta which threatened to be the spoilers of the evening. Even though they drank like fishes, they floundered when pitted against deeper-throated engineers. The winners of the event were those young upstarts of Mechanical U-1.

Next on the agenda was the Banana Eating Contest which sported a new and improved format. The team of Vanin, Charbonneau, Miot, and Theriault clearly supported Darwin’s This was just one of the many an- theory, with their stuff ’em, pop’em, tics displayed during this year’s En- guzzle’em technique. The prof ’s Raft gineering Week. It all began Friday followed with the electrical departevening at Pub Nite with the annual ment’s Dr. Pavlasek floating off with Boat Races. The Races sponsored a the “honours”. It’s reported that if he

didn’t win, he’d pack up the building and go home. The pissing contest had only two entrants, 1 engineers and an equally touched Artsman.

Through backroom dealings each of them emerged as a winner in the precision and accuracy events.

What some guys won’t do to get their name in the snow.

The Race to the Manse also sported a new look and was well run by all participants. It was gratifying to note that even those stragglers behind the pack finished the race without dropping out. The winners were two Mets Gerry Paquin and Terry Murrary who completed the race in less than 4 minutes. Those

the plumber’s FAUCET two must have hot worked and cold rolled themselves before the race.

The tug-of-war was cancelled when the rope was robbed by some yokums who were out to lay a snare for Snookums. The pillow fight revealed opponents into submission in a flurry of devastating blows and choking feathers. Way to go killer. The car rally demanded far more precision on the navigator’s part and more attentive driving than last year’s rally.

The route consisted of 75 miles on the sprawling South Shore and was completed by all contestants.

The Inquisition on Thursday portrayed a heated and electrifying battle of wits between the carnival princess and the engineers. Several questions were neatly parried by the engineers as the girls flung some touchy and deeply embarrassing questions back at them. The engineering queen was voted on by those engineers in attendance. Sweet, naive, innocent and petite Saskia was declared queen.

On Wednesday Mr. Ed’s flicks attracted the largest, drooling group of horny engineers since Sugar’s debut last year. The theme of this year’s films shifted from dog fanciers to horse enthusiasts (HI-HO SILVER). Mining once again ran off with the Roman Relay event, as the only competition they had was time.

The egg throwing contest was a large success as a strong field of 40 teams took part, most of whom wound up with egg on their face (YOLK, YOLK). The winners were Fenn and Stemm who hurled their way to victory with a heave of 75 feet. The capitalistic, war-monger, running dog, tools of the U.S. imperialistic army came out in all of us during Stockmarket Night.

Later in the afternoon the Rip-off Contest was judged. It was a difficult decision for the judges to make.

Among the entries was the jukebox from Gertrude’s (plus license plates from a station 10 cop car), a jeep from the Physical Plant, Loyola’s campus sign, Snookum’s costume, a stuffed gorilla from the Redpath Museum, and the Shitmobile appropriated from Sir George’s engineers.

After much deliberation the judges voted to declare both the gorilla (Mets) and the Shitmobile (Chemicals) as winners of the $50 prize. The originality and difficulty in acquiring any of the above items shows the keen spirit of this year’s carnival.

It isn’t often that pedestrians along Sherbrooke St. are treated to

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a half decent football game. After barricading Sherbrooke St. and redirecting traffic, a fifteen minute football game took place much to the pleasure of the crowd that gathered to watch. Well executed and wildly acclaimed, this was one of the greatest events to take place in all of engineering weeks. The game was brought to a halt by the appearance of two motorcycle cops who were later captured. Completely surrounded by two hundred drunken engineers, they were escorted to the McConnell Lobby where they were presented with engineering sweatshirts, two cases of beer and the greetings of a playful engineering princess. Following this, our gal Linda began to strip, but once past her boots, she got cold feet. Undaunted, the engineers continued the revelry and moved en-masse to Gertrude’s, where they borrowed several pieces of furniture.

Carnival Week was finally brought to an end Saturday evening, (or was it late Sunday morning?) with the Plumber’s Ball held at the Ritz Carleton. Among the kidding and jostling of seeing the unlikeliest people in monkey suits, the engineers showed they were of as much social grace as anyone...

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E-Week: The Real Festive Season Words of Wisdom from the E-Week Coordinators E-Week is that yearly festival of beer, shenanigans, and engineering, where the departments go head-to-head in a quest for glory. This year’s DisnE-Week already has more tickets sold than ever before, and promises to be a mess of booze and debauchery (I mean that in the most positive possible way). I’d say it will be a shit show, but the term “shit show” sometimes implies a lack of organization from our enablers coordinators, who are actually experts in boozing up the entire faculty without causing too much trouble from a legal standpoint. Speaking of those experts, here is what a few of your coordinators have to say about E-Week: Catherine:

Kueper:

Emmet:

E-Week is always that time of the year to get silly and win a big trophy. Green eggs for breakfast and an infinite mountain of bacon were some of my favourite things last year. The camaraderie and obscenely loud chants add to the magic that last a short week. All the bonds and friendship made over the constant cycle of chugging and emptying one’s stomach continues to grow beyond the event. It may often be repeated that the wisest thing to do is attend ALL of the events. Honestly...DO IT. If I hadn’t gone down to 3-Man that one fateful evening, I would have never known of the underground cage sport-like event where shirts are ripped, bets are made, and dice are rolled. Happy E-Week! May the beer be ever in your flavour.

E-Week funniest moments:

Veni, vidi, vici; we came, we saw, we partied! (roughly translated). Last year marked the first year in a while that Bioresource made the trip to partake in the drunken revelry that is E-week. And we did more than partake. We par-stole the thunder as the Rookie Team of the Year, making mad impressions on the other departments at the Century Club, the Beer Olympics, and the rowdy Bus Trip to Nowhere. The number of friends I made in those 4 days were half the reason I got so motivated to involve myself in EUS shenanigans. It’s a great time for people to branch out and connect with others they may have never met, even in their own department. So remember: party hard, make new friends, never leave any bottle un-emptied, and never leave any experience unfulfilled.

Gersh: “When in doubt, whip it out.” -- If ever you find yourself uncertain of what you should be doing, how you could be helping your team, or where you’ll be sleeping that night, drop your pants and start to dance.

It was my sure-fire strategy last year that really helped push my team to be the best it could be. Remember, fortune favors the bold and pants are only for the weak of heart.

-Witnessing Architecture come up with an elaborate paint delivery system reminiscent of zip lining and some sort of forest fire water plane.

-Watching Mech try and fail to open a corked bottle of wine with a boot, only to shatter the bottle into the boot sitting below the telephone pole they smashed it against.

-Drunken Debates, but I don’t think I can go into details on that one.

Lucy: E-week is hands down one of the greatest events on campus. Beginning of the semester = NO RESPONSIBILITIES. Open to all engineering departments = NEW FRIENDS. Unlimited beer = DECISIONS YOU MAY REGRET (however, don’t let that scare you!). Some days it will be hard to get out of bed, but attendance is worth it. Every event is always a jolly good time, full of silliness, great people, and engineering pride! There’s nothing like it! It’s your chance to prove that your department is the true winner. My advice? Don’t miss out on Century Club, and don’t forget to YOLO!

Vero: Whatever words I say, none will ever match those of a former E-Weeker, but here they are:

Students of McGill, of MacDonald, my classmates; I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A week may come when the thirst of engineers fails, when we forsake our friends and break all

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year because so much energy went into planning and we’ve got such a crazy group of engineers who lay it all on the line for pride and glory.

Actually though, it kinda makes me giddy that everyone is so involved this year. Back to the subject of E-Week though: don’t worry about my E-Week pedigree - I will be doing at least one of the princess tasks since I am an E-Week rookie!

See you all on the eighth, tiaras, gowns, froofroos and all!

Ashkaan:

bonds of fellowship, but it is not this E-Week. There will be a week of study and shattered glass, when Blues Pub Happy Hour is no more, but it is not this E-Week!

This E-Week we party!!

By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you hold your liquor, E-Weekers!!!

Come to all the events, party with your teammates and work with them to forge unforgettable memories (and an amazing Weapon of Mass Consumption). Never forget, it is not a question of what your team can do for you, but what you can do for your team! (on that matter, see Gersh’s testimonial for ideas). Even the rookiest member can change the course of an event.

James: I’ve been through four separate E-Weeks before this one, starting from all the way back in 2010 (that’s Gladiator E-Week, for all you whippersnappers who might not remember). I’ve seen it grow and evolve in a lot of ways, including increasingly absurd scavenger

hunt videos, increasingly elaborate design competition contraptions, increasingly complicated Weapons of Mass Consumption, and increasingly blurry 3-Man sessions.

Sometimes the most fun memories are made during unscheduled time, so be sure to talk to your captains and find out what your team’s up to during these periods (especially if your team wants to win!). All that being said, I’m 100% positive this is going to be the biggest and best E-Week I’ve ever seen, so buckle up and get ready for the best week-long winter welcome-back party you’ve ever had.

Justin “doesn’tknow-how-manyof-his-fellow-coords-have-done-EWeek” Beaveridge: So hey, E-Week…. In my defense, I am one of, mark me, 5 coords who have never done E-Week before, so don’t hate too much! That being said, I am super stoked for this

Here is a haiku describing how you should participate in E-Week:

Beer flows free and cold Snow falls on warm drunk faces Why are we naked I hope you have learned much from this. Take it, print it, and keep it with you at all times. Preferably near your crotchal region. The magic words work best there.

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Fixing the E in E-Week

by Daniel Galef As most of you probably know, E-Week is McGill’s week of revelry and debauchery that celebrates all things Engineer. It is usually followed by a lengthy and expensive cleanup and the punishing of all involved in any official capacity. It has been suggested by disgruntled students of other, less lauded majors, as well as by injured bystanders, that E-Week be toned down (sacrilege!) or, worse, abandoned altogether (perish the thought!). Of course, to prevent backlash, it would be replaced by a suitable (as deemed by administration) alternative event that satisfactorily stands in as all-inclusive and wholesome (yecch!). For reasons of cost (all the posters have already been printed out), the new Week will also have to be called E-Week. Here are some of the contenders as proposed so far: Electricity Week (this proposal was shocking to some) Elasticity Week (but remember to be flexible in your views...)

Ecstasy Week (okay, but not that flexible....)

Erotica Week (just so long as it is kept classy) Echo Week (Echo Week (Echo Week)) Etymology Week (from the Middle English weke, from the Old English wice, and ultimately from the Proto-Indo-European root *weig- or *weik-, meaning ‘to bend, wind, turn, or yield’) Entomology Week (if word derivations bug you) Ecky ecky ecky f’tang f’tang olé biscuitbarrel Week (props to anyone who didn’t look this up)

King Arthur and the 5 Dwarfs (budget wasn’t big enough for all 7)

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Eel Week (hey, the Discovery Channel has Shark Week, so why not? Learn how to build your very own eco-friendly eel ladder using only recycled PVC piping!)

Entertainment Week(ly) (taken, but really popular as it is) ESP Week (I knew you were gonna think that, and I agree: it is a bunch of bunk!)

Earth Week (because, face it, one day a year isn’t gonna save anything from anyone) Europa Week (you know, just in case Earth Week doesn’t work out and we need someplace new) Epilepsy Week (alternately, Epilepsy Awareness Week, but that’s really a whole ’nother concept) Elephant Week (No! Tarzan know: Elephant strong!)

Engels Week (though of course the seven-day week is a capitalist and Westist social construct based around the Christian calendar and designed to swindle the working classes out of fair labour schedules and pay) Evangelism Week (get tickets based on how many classmates you convert without threatening to burn them) Empiricism Week (if you’re not particularly inclined toward fire and brimstone outside an Erlenmeyer flask of rapidly and exothermically oxidizing S8 crystals) Epistemology Week (but what really is a ‘Week,’ when you get right down to it?)

Existentialism Week (and furthermore, why do we mark up, chop up, and delineate time at all? Are we afraid to face the infinite in its full and unfathomable essence, or more simply fazed by our own mortality and comforted by the superficial ‘control’ over the passage of time given by naming its subsections?)

Equality Week (what, like, another? Jeez, I love you people already, can’t we just get on with our lives?

Sheesh!)

Election Week (though electing what precisely, no one seemed to know) Erection Week (tested significantly more popular with the present population of engineers) Expulsion Week (really just a moving up of the regular annual tradition, as thus is customarily named the week directly after E-Week) Execution Week (for when occasionally Expulsion Week just isn’t enough) Exam Week (don’t worry, that’s not for like another few months or so Oh God how is it the end of the semester already where’s the time gone?)

Exquisite Week (for people who just want to have a really nice week, you feel me?)

Engineering Week (now that idea just sounds silly!)

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Walt Disney - The Unauthorized and Un-Fact-Checked Biography

by Liquid Giggles

Last year, the Faucet published an unauthorized biography of Theodor Seuss Geisel in honour of Doctor Seuss Week, so this year we are continuing the tradition with the unauthorized true story of Walt Disney.

So don’t give us any crap about “Robot Chicken did it first” – it’s just a coincidence (and besides, theirs was a post-humus biography). Anyway, here’s his story:

Walter Elias Disney, known as Walt to his friends and Waldo to his lovers, was born December 5th, 1901, under a bridge in Chicago. In a miraculous example of immaculate conception, Walt had no mother, only a virgin father who took a very painful leak. His father, Elias Disney, was Irish-Canadian, and as with so many other famous celebrities, this slim connection allows me to state with certainty that his later success in life was owed exclusively to the Canadian blood running through his veins.

Walt did very well in school, and was considered a budding genius by his teachers and classmates. He could math, he could art, and he could even gym. But his true talent was fighting crime. Unfortunately for Walt, Chi-

cago was a wholesome and virtually crime-free city in the early twentieth century, so there wasn’t much future in the business.

At a loss for what to do with his life, Walt decided to go into engineering, which even then was a sure form of steady employment. He went to McGill, where in his free time he wrote for the Plumber’s Peepshow, a precursor to the Pot and Faucet. He drew dirty pictures for the paper, and found he had a real talent for everything debauched. He decided to capitalize on this with lewd animated films, many of them featuring Micky Mouse and his big “dog” Pluto. Censorship was pretty harsh in those days, so his scripts had to be reworked to be slightly more wholesome. One of his most famous was “Snow Wet Wanks 7 Dwarfs”, which featured the largest animated orgy to date.

Even though censorship totally changed the feel of his films, they still made it big, and Walt quickly became lauded as one of America’s most iconic figures. He survived several assassination attempts by the Warner Brothers, who were jealous of Walt’s success and frustrated that nobody knew their first names. These assassination attempts usually involved catapults, dynamite, and various mail-order contraptions, and though the Warner Brothers were unable to kill Walt, they did gain the inspiration needed to revitalize their Looney Tunes cartoons.

Soon, the Walt Disney Company was big enough to manage itself, and Walt found himself with the money and time to pursue other projects.

However, because he was immensely rich and famous, he inevitably just

spent his time drinking and sleeping with young stars and starlets hoping to get an in in the industry. Walt did try to live his childhood passion of crime fighting by dressing as a bat and beating up underage drinkers, but got bored with the hobby and sold his gear to Bruce Wayne, a schizophrenic billionaire who was always babbling about ridiculous costumed villains in an imaginary city.

Though you might think that drinking and sleeping around excessively is not a sustainable and fulfilling lifestyle, Walt was utterly content.

He coined the term, “Money can’t buy happiness,” so that he could keep all the money and happiness to himself.

His fame continued to increase as his subordinates put out movies in his name, and his only stress in life was how to regulate his alcohol intake just enough to avoid whisky dick.

As he neared the end of his life, Walt decided to build a massive pleasure palace to pursue his pastimes, which became known as Disneyland. He had developed a taste for older partners, and so added a series of rides to entertain their children while they joined him in the Gomorrah of America.

Walt died peacefully in 1966 of natural STDs, and was buried in a vault under Disney World. Robot Chicken relates the story from there, though their account is of doubtful authenticity. Walt Disney will always be a shining example of how you can succeed by doing what you love, no matter how twisted and debauched your tastes are.

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What the Hell am I doing For E-Week?

101 Inebriations

E-Week veterans have all heard these names before, but to those who are just now taking their brave steps into the dazzling place they never knew, here’s a rundown of the more famous events:

Raising

Children is

of beer on the minute, every minute.

(Century Club) You hear the music change? Take The White Rabbit has finally got his that drink. Don’t be late, or you lose shit together. Instead of always run- points! ning late, he has become obsessively on time. It’s kind of a drag most of Hercules Crawl the time, but every now and then he (Pub Crawl) starts drinking and… well, suffice to After defeating Hades and his Tisay he’s very punctual with his con- tans, as well as getting the girl, Hersumption. The idea is that for a hun- cules got kind of bored. But, being dred minutes, he’s got to take a shot the genius he is, he decides to create a course to test the strength, intelligence, and liver capacity of those who run it. Behold: The Hercules Crawl. Strangely enough, by the end of it Hercules himself was struggling to make it across the finish line. Let’s see if you can do better.

life’s greatest Challenge

Now We don’t need to Worry

Trip to Never Neverland (Bus Trip to Nowhere) We found a pumpkin and turned it into a bus. Don’t ask how, just accept it and let it be. Well, if you must ask, there’s a lot of breaking the laws thermodynamics involved, as well as a capacitor or two. Either way, we haven’t got time to explain. Just hop in, sit down, belt up, and pop out when the bus stops. We’re going on a magical journey to end this magical journey, and it’s about damn time you accepted that fact.

Faucet ProtectingCondoms Your Future Available soon at the G-Store for $3.00, or from a Faucet Editor for $2.50. All condoms are FDA approved, and we will take no responsibility for your children and STDs if the FDA isn’t doing its job right.

E-Week: Sports, Tron-A-Thon, and Scoring Schedules

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12:00-3:00 Madhatter’s Three Party Ask a Captain for Location

Friday

Saturday

Let us show you the world 10:00-11:00 Ursula’s Concoctions 3531 Aylmer

12:00-2:00 Sports Finals Lower Field

4:00-6:00 5:00-6:00 Princess Task: The Defeat the Huns Bear Necessities Lower Field SSMU Clubhouse Ballroom

10:00-3:00 (McTavish and Sherbrooke) Delirious as the Dark Side of the Moon Party 9:00 - late Espace Des Artes Trip to Never Neverland 9 Rue Sainte-Catherine Est (busses start returning ~12:45)

Sports 4:00-9:00 4:00 Lower Field Under the Deep Bibbity-Bobbi6:00 - 8:00: Blues Sea ty-Brew Never Neverland Pre + Castle Judg4:00 - 7:00: (Blues Pub) + Dice Archery ing + Snow White and the WMC Tron-a-thon Common Room Common Room SMUU Clubhouse Ballroom Foonzo (1245 Rue Drummond) 6:00-9:00 8:00-8:30 7:00-10:00 No One DeBallroom Cleanup bates Like Gaston A Whole New Pre-Drink (BYOB) 8:30-9:00 Ask a Captain for Location (BYOB) Busses Depart for Never Neverland Location TBA

12:00-2:00 Iron Chef Louis Common Room 2:00 - 4:00

11:00 - 11:30: 11:00-11:30 2:00-5:00 2:00-4:00 Princess Task: A Cup Full of Sugar Princess Task: Sebastian’s Orchestra Castle Midnight Carraige Challenge Construction Common Room Races 3531 Aylmer SSMU Clubhouse EUS Lobby Ballroom

10:00-11:00 Be Our Guest!

Common Room

Thursday

The E-Week Schedule Wednesday

4:00-7:00

Opening Ceremonies +Mini Blues Pub Common Room

6:15-9:30 Alice on WonderCrawl (6:30) Hercules Crawl (6:15)

Leave from Common Room 9:30 - 3:00 Hakuna Matata Secret Location

9:30-3:00 101 Inebriations P inq Taco 3612 Saint-Laurent