The Six More Weeks of Winter Issue

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FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 7 • January 29th, 2014

The Six More Weeks of Winter Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Punxsutawney Phil & Phillis Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Whistlepigs of Wordsmithing Amanda Dos Santos Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey Reid Hadaway Hadi Sayer Justin Asfour Punxsutawney Phil’s Circle Drawers Alexandra Foty Celestine Hong Daniel Galef

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 7 Wednesday, January 29th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editors: It is here at last, the most anticipated holiday of the year: Groundhog Day! We dedicated the cover to it, but none of the content (we put all our groundhogese inspiration in the Groundhog Day issue from last year). But with the current weather, I can’t see there being any less than six more weeks of winter, so the theme is certainly informational. Wait, am I talking about the weather now? We must be getting stale. At least I’m not making meta weather joke jokes.

Besides the Groundhog celebrations (which will involve partying at Faucet writer Amy’s apartment from midnight to 7 am, when the groundhog ceremonies are broadcast. Seriously.), there are many other exciting things happening at this time of year.

For example, on January 31st, EUS Publications are hosting Conspiracy Theory Blues Pub. It will involve tin hats, “Pin the Tail on the Lizard Person”, moon-landing photo booths, hot dogs and popcorn, barley-based beverages, live music, and conspicuous rowdiness. Some of this is actually supposed to be secret until Friday, so if you are reading this on press date, congratulations - this sneak peak is a reward for your loyalty.

In other news, SSMU Club VP Internal Brian Farnan released a public apology for distributing a .gif of Barack Obama kicking a door, and needs to take monthly equity training as punishment. Yes, I am serious, and yes, the .gif is totally innocuous (and not just by Faucet standards). SSMU Club says that the .gif portrayed people of colour as angry. That’s right, suggesting that the U.S. President is frustrated makes you a racist.

SSMU Club will be SSMU Club, and it will continue to remain irrelevant. But if you want to make an actual difference and consider yourself to be relatively legit, the nomination period has just opened for anyone who wants to run for an EUS Executive position. You can pick up forms in the EUS Office!

As midterms approach, stay calm, and don’t forget to stay hydrated!

-DD & DB

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Van Der Waal Words by Set Phasers to Pun Melody by Oasis

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Hot New Single by

Shaft Werk [A] like to [A/G#] solve for [F#m7] you, but I don’t [Esus4] know [B7sus4] how!

But [Dadd9] Maybe [F#m7] [A] [Dadd9] There’s one equation that [Dadd9] escapes me [F#m7] [A] ‘Cause [F#m7] after [Dadd9] all, [F#m7] [A] What is [F#m7] Van der [Dadd9] Waal’s?

[F#m7] [Dadd9] [F#m7] [F#m7] Today was [A] gonna be the day but I’ll [Esus4] never study Thermo [B7sus4] Two [F#m7] By know I [A] should of, some how, made a [Esus4] list of what I gotta [B7sus4] do.

[F#m7] Today is [A] gonna be the day that I’m [Esus4] gonna study Thermo [B7sus4] Two [F#m7] By now, my [A] grades are so down, That I know [Esus4] it’s what I gotta [B7sus4]do.

[F#m7] I don’t believe that [A] anybody [Esus4] did work before it’s [B7sus4] due, except for [Dadd9] now. [Esus4] [B7sus4] [F#m7] Add heat, the [A] cars out on the street use the [Esus4] Otto cycle, there’s no [B7sus4] doubt.

[F#m7] I don’t believe [A] that anybody understood the charts he [B7sus4] drew, on the [Dadd9] board [Esus4] [B7sus4] And [Dadd9] all the paths that [Esus4] link the states are [F#m7] winding.

And [Dadd9] PVNR [Esus4] T ain’t what I’m [F#m7] finding.

[Dadd9] There are many [Esus4] problems that I’d [A] like to [A/G#] solve for [F#m7] you, but I don’t [Esus4] know [B7sus4] how!

[F#m7] Add more, you [A] find states 1-4 and the [Esus4] final answer’s net work [B7sus4] out.

But [Dadd9] Maybe [F#m7] [A]

[F#m7] I don’t believe that [A] anybody [Esus4]can prove law number [B7sus4] two, except [Dadd9] the Prof. [Esus4] [B7sus4]

‘Cause [F#m7] after [Dadd9] all, [F#m7]

And [Dadd9] all the paths that [Esus4] link the states are [F#m7] winding.

And [Dadd9] PVNR [Esus4] T ain’t what I’m [F#m7] finding.

[Dadd9] There are many [Esus4] problems that I’d

[Dadd9] There’s one equation that [Dadd9] escapes me [F#m7] [A] [A] What is [F#m7] Van der [Dadd9] Waal’s?

[F#m7] [Dadd9] [F#m7]

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When It’s Not HBO Why Film-making Ruined Adult Filmography for Me

by Woody Like anybody, I occasionally often decide to switch gears and let my pants down. So I take a seat, turn to my favourite site, and let myself go.

But recently, this has gotten harder to do. What was once a few seconds of pure tearful bliss has become an hour of nothing but critique. So today, I have decided to write an exposé of what is often done wrong in the “adult” film industry.

1. Lighting Lighting is often the hardest thing to properly use in any movie/film/ student art project, but, when it’s done right, it can give your film the authentic feel that it so rightly deserves. Good lighting often means that actors don’t need as much make-up as necessary. The lady bits don’t need to be powdered and their pink color stays natural.

Even better lighting means that a man’s Johnson ends up being perceived as bigger than it actually is.

In general, white comes out of light fixtures whose temperatures range over 6000K and slowly becomes bluer as it becomes hotter.

Here’s the thing: this type of light is

often used in hospitals, laboratories and kitchen settings because it has a tendency to stick everywhere.

When Dr. Asa Akira is called in to treat an engorged gentleman’s sausage, using white light makes sense. When this lighting is used in a bedroom setting, it’s distracting.

excuse shaky-cam. Yes, the action is intense and, yes, the camera-man sometimes can’t hold it in much longer, but for Odin’s sake, hold the camera steady. There are certain shots that should never be blurry and, in all honesty, no time should be wasted cleaning the camera lens.

But what really separates the amateurs from the pros is their use of positions and ambient lighting.

Do you want to give your film a romantic mood? Give your ambient light a warm and slightly pinkish hue. But for your sake, please use fill lighting. This isn’t amateur hour.

There’s no point in filming if it’s too dark to make out one person from the other. If a group scene looks intimate, then you’re doing it wrong.

Speaking of cameras, the use of mirrors is overrated. Adult film directors love using mirrors, and they have every right to do so. It’s an easy and viable way to showcase all of the important parts of the human body. Do you want to do it from behind while showing off an actress’, or actor’s, bosom? Then use a mirror! But remember, unless you have the proper angle, I will be able to tell how much money you’ve bothered to spend on your camera - and I will judge you for it.

2. General Cinematography There are certain shooting techniques that work fantastically on the big screen. Whether you’re looking for action or love the romance of it all, point of view shots are a great tool available to many film-makers. But this doesn’t

3. Scripting Adult films are fantastical in nature. The average man’s wedding vegetable is never as big as the one shown on screen. But that’s not what I’m going to talk about. What irks me the most is the screenwriters’ complete disregard for the most basic scripting principles. It’s

How can I keep a boner when I know the camera man is on a budget?

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Getting Wet (at E-Week) simple; there are three parts to any script: the first act, the beginning and the rising action; the second act, the climax; and the third act, where the man falls asleep. Most screenwriters prematurely get to the sex, forgetting that context is often just as important. You shouldn’t rush the process, it’ll come.

Not to mention the plot holes often left to confuse the viewers. Is that woman married? She’s wearing a ring, so why did she cheat on her husband? What’ll she say to her husband when he discovers the condom she so obviously left on the floor after she fucked the plumber?

Will that be left to the sequel? I have so many questions.

4. Sound Quality Finally, the one topic that annoys me the most: sound quality.

Anybody can make a video, but only the best film-makers know the importance of good sound quality.

This is doubly true for adult films.

When the acoustics are perfect and the sound clear and crisp, then the experience can only be enriched.

When there’s background noise and you can hear pounding that isn’t coming from the actors, then you remove me from the experience.

There’s no bigger turn off than terrible background noise.

And with that, I just finished.

Now excuse me while I go wash up, it’s incredibly difficult to type with one hand without making a mess.

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by Reid Hadaway

With the beginning of E-Week, the departments of McGill Engineering came together to rejoice in the tradition of consuming mass amounts of beer and enjoying the shenanigans that lie ahead. Among the many challenges that the co-ordinators brought to E-Week, one in particular brought all who joined in down to their knees and backs, covered in wetness. This of course, was E-Week Broomball.

On January 11th, the E-Week co-ordinators decided that the sea of rain water that filled the Iron Rink would not stop them or the teams of E-Week from rolling up their sleeves, grabbing their sticks, and taking off their pants for what was sure to be the greatest of Broomball tournaments.

Many teams prepared themselves for the games by stripping down to their underwear and sometimes to nothing at all, as no amount of cold weather or fluids would bring these engineers’ spirits down.

Engineer by engineer fell to the harsh rapids that rammed them, but they continued to show their pride for their respective departments by getting up time after time.

Bones were fractured, ice and water were tasted, hearts were broken, but everyone left with their bodies enveloped with a generous amount of nature’s wetness.

In the end, everyone was very spirited, and enjoyed the E-Week Broomball Tournament regardless of the harsh conditions. Everyone left with a smile on their face and a skip in their step. Truly, this was a day to remember and a day to look forward to next year (yes, that was a hint to future E-Week co-ordinators). And, as decreed by the co-ordinators and the Athletics Commissioners, Broomball shall now be called Water YOLO during times of extreme wetness. Stay wet McGill.

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IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION Written by Amanda dos Santos & Faucet Staff Illustrated by Celestine Hong

Some time ago, TVMcGill compared the clothing choices of engineering and management students. Most management students were suited up, while Engineers wore jeans, or whatever was on the floor that looked less dirty than the other clothes on the floor. Suits are generally considered more professional. However, even if your workplace is an office, a suit does not qualify as personal protective equipment [thanks McGill Safety!]. So whether you’re in management or just heading to Techfair, please become aware of the health risks associated with suit-wearing.

Physical Risks Burns sustained during ironing

Loss of traction between dress shoes and floor

Necktie Risks

ShredderRelated

ElevatorRelated

Lack of storage space for survival gear

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Psychological Risks Suitsitis

Symptoms include but are not limited to stress, hypertension, and panic.

Suits Syndrome

Delusions and compulsive singing of Greenback Boogie.

Don Cherry Disorder

Incontrollable self-expression within a repressive dress code.

Indirect Risks Increased risk of STDs and/or pregnancy due to increased attractiveness

Targeting and potential harassment by Occupy Wall Street protesters

Take precautions. Be aware. Stay safe.

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The Excellent Imperial Empire

by Liquid Giggles Time for a lesson in engineering history, my beloved Faucet readers. On a daily basis, most of you use something called the “Metric System” for all your unit-based needs. These are the units of scientists, engineers, and the generally-civilized. They are much better than those quaint and inconsistent customary units of the Imperial system, which are only used by uncouth Americans due to an enduring Republican conspiracy. It’s a battle of old vs new, or ignorance vs enlightenment. At least that’s what the liberal media would like you to believe, and it is clearly ridiculous.

Do you know the real story behind the metric system is? It was introduced in Canada in the 70s through the machinations of communist-sympathizer-turned-prime-minister Trudeau, a noted agent of the KGB. In an effort to destroy traditional Canadian values of freedom and virtue, he forced the metric system on innocent Canadians.

Remnants of the noble old Imperial system remain, in part because of the staunch defense of liberty by our American allies, especially in industry (users of the metric system still don’t know the first thing about actual work).

Unfortunately, the old ways come under attack every day, and the Imperial system will not last much longer. In an effort to defend the Grand Old Measurements, I shall remind you of exactly why the Imperial system is superior to the metric system. And in a strange twist of events for the Faucet, some of the reasons are actually coherent.

1. Imperial is good for tourism. The American economy is about to shrink to diddly-squat, and it will drag Canada down with it. All that we will be left with are rich Chinese and Europeans who will visit to see vestiges of our rich pre-collapse culture. Traditional Imperial units are an important part of that charm.

2. Using feet and inches, you can say your height using two digits instead of the 3 you would need with centimeters. I guess the counterargument is weight, but there is no comment section on this article, so we can let that slide.

3. Imperial is more convenient for dick size measurement. Because 9” or 10” feels a lot better in your mouth.

4. A foot has fewer syllables than a meter. An inch has fewer syllables than a centimeter. That’s why American engineers are 2-4 times more productive than European ones.

5. Because 1000 square feet sounds like a lot more than 93 square meters. In this delicate economy, we can’t afford a unit-conversion based housing crash.

6. Because Artsies falsely associate Imperial with colonialism and oppression, and it is fun to see them squirm over trifles.

7. “Base ten is more efficient, nag nag nag.” Come on, you can remember 4 conversion constants. What are you, a four year old? Besides, we normally just use a single unit and scientific notation anyway.

8. “Celsius is much better than Fahrenheit.” No, they are both stupid. You’re just more used to one. Why isn’t Kelvin the standard metric unit?

9. Mass vs. force debate. Metric makes up a non-intuitive unit for force (the Newton), while Imperial makes up a non-intuitive unit for mass (the slug), so neither is inherently better. But mass equals Earth-weight in metric, which makes young students confused about why mass is different than weight. I think there is at least one Bill Nye episode dedicated to clearing up the mess.

10. If I don’t have anything to measure with, I can use my foot, my dick, or a floor tile to measure feet, my thumb to measure inches, and your mom to measure tons.

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The Engineers’ Arts Primer, Number Four

Philosophy of Mind: Identity, Consciousness, and Free Will

by Travis Denkman, U0 philosophy major Mr. Denkman recruited by Daniel Galef Okay so like there’s these things in the universe these questions which like can’t be tested or proved or stuff like that so you can just ask them a bunch and try to answer them in weird ways and make up funny names for all your answers and it’s just the best because like no one can ever say you’re wrong because they can’t prove it and like no one really knows so it’s all really trippy and deep and stuff so like there’s this problem where you don’t know whether you’re you or you’re like your brain or your mind or someone else’s and so like whoa who knows right?

So some people say like you’re you man who else could you be but then they just say you could be anyone and you aren’t really you because hey you’re not your arm are you don’t be a moron and so then they say okay so maybe you’re your brain and like maybe it’s not like everything else but brains aren’t minds and minds are all special and cool and like above everything and it just talks down to the rest of you I mean like your body like on a phone or something and it tells you I mean it what to do and it isn’t you just a bit of stuff that you control or something.

So those folks are the substance duelists and they don’t shoot at each other with pistols or nothing but they like give a gun to your body and a gun to your mind and they’re like different things made out of different stuff and they’re just like connected weirdly but you can’t see it or check it or test it or prove it or anything but just like it’s there you know because you feel it is and that’s just so awesome because like I know I’m me and I can totally feel me way up there

beaming down to my body like all write this article man.

But maybe like instead your brain totally is your mind and you just think it’s somewhere else but it’s like there the whole time man and you just didn’t know it because you can’t feel yourself thinking or where it is or nothing because it is you and you’re it and so all that stuff it does is just like a big computer rolling dice like to decide what you do and you don’t actually get like even a say in it it’s all like do this and you’re like but I don’t want to determinism but it doesn’t care and you do it anyway because you like had to and there’s no such thing as anything and like whoa right?

But even like when you think you’re thinking maybe like you only think you’re thinking and really someone else is thinking and you just think it’s you but they’re thinking it for you or maybe like you’re not even thinking at all you think?

Like what if there’s this Chinese guy in a room or a cave or whatever, and like he’s a robot, but he thinks he’s thinking and like he thinks he’s a dude but really there’s someone outside who’s asking him like all these hard questions and trying to figure out he’s a robot and he’s just looking up the answers in a box and pretending he’s thinking and a human and can speak Chinese but really he doesn’t know and he can only see the guy or anything through a tv but the tv is only in black and white and he’s like never seen anything in color so the question is: is the cat alive or dead? You know what I mean?

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EUS Ski Trip - the Stories of Stories

by Justin Asfour Well, as you all may know, engineers from all around McGill gathered for a weekend in the great outdoors with nothing but copious amounts of sweet liquid barley and one mission, “To scale and conquer MONT SAINT ANNE”.

The mission for those who chose to accept it: load the bus with all the liquid sustenance that it could transport.

As the clock struck noon on Day 1, everyone knew what needed to be done. They gathered and formed a transport line. As the beer they had cleaned out from a local dep was passed down the line, happy faces glowed and bellies gurgled.

The bus was loaded, the beer was safe, and the engineers boarded. Off to Saint Anne they went.

Upon arrival at the mountain, it was well seen that fear and anxiety masked the once glowing faces of the adventurers. Shadows and darkness engulfed the once gleaming runs.

I swear I was able to hear some cry. Yet they still braved on.

Atop the mountain, silence overpowered fear, excitement overpowered all. “It’s time people; only a few of you will make it out alive, but just remember we are engineers, and we’ve been through worse.” With this, the engineers strapped in and began their descent.

Oh, man was it an icy descent.

Danger levels were over 9000!

The repeated descents ended and the group members retreated to their quarters. Consumption of the precious cargo began.

All the pain of the descent was immediately dulled. Stories of success and failure, of the day’s events were being told. “Awws” and “ohhhss”, “ehs” and “wows”, were all that was coming from the peanut gallery. Stories continued to be told all throughout, but it was time for the fun to begin.

The tables were rearranged in what is referred to as “Chalet Dos” to play rousing games of beer pong. History was made when one of our fellow comrades took it upon himself to form a three-way game. Challenge: avoid contact with in-flight balls.

As games were being played, the main quarters received some unexpected guests. It was none other than Old Patrol crashing the party. Presentation of their gift provided them with forgive-

ness for their actions. The engineers now had alcohols ranging from 4% to 50%. It didn’t end there. One of our own, better known as “Sinbad: The Salad Tosser” initiated the PPO ladder. Starting from the bottom, he slowly made his way up, beating every competitor in his path. Yet he was still shy of the top rung.

Day 1 had many ups and downs, but overall ended well with most rendered incapacitated.

Day 2 was met with bright skies and steady temperatures.

Everyone began creeping out of their chambers ready for the challenges ahead. For breakfast: eggs, bacon, bread, and beer - ‘twas the perfect combination for a healthy recovery.

With a belly full of grease, fat, and barley, the engineers were ready for the challenges that lay ahead. They packed their lunches, changed into their proper attire, prayed to the gods, and finally made their way onto the bus to be transported to the mountain. The mountain loomed in the distance, but the engineers were ready, ready to traverse its icy runs. They exited the bus, and if you listened carefully you could hear a song of triumph linger behind. With skis and boards ready, they entered the gondolas and began their ascent.

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With more runs open and ready to be conquered, it gave the engineers options. You all know how engineers love their options. For a group of them, the first choices they made were probably some of those few poor ones they make in life. The runs were not only icy but rugged.

Pieces of ice the size of golf balls covered their only ways down.

What was once an awesome and enjoyable sport quickly turned into a survival mission.

With this new found knowledge of the mountain it was up to the group to find better, more enjoyable runs. The north side became their haven. A run right under the chairlift proved to be one of the most enjoyable runs of the day. It gave them options and different possible paths to take.

The path of choice was down the narrow run alongside the chair to enter the mini park.

For many of them it was a first, while others were veteran stylists. Three boxes ahead of them meant 3 times the pain if they failed.

After a quick lesson, the beginners attempted to traverse the boxes.

Engineer after engi-

neer fell, but with every box attempt and fail a lesson was learnt: boxes really hurt.

The next few hours were spent on the same side and everyone was truly enjoying themselves.

On the last run of that side, the group went to the mini park and attempted the boxes. One the engineers went for it and had such promising form. Everyone thought he would make it… he didn’t. It was one the most graceful falls any of them had ever seen. For a few more hours the engineers continued to conquer Mont Saint Anne.

Finally, the exhaustion kicked in and it was time to call it a day.

So the engineers retreated to the comfort of their chalets and the warmth of their beers. For

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some it was suppertime and for others it was naptime. Overall joy was in the air. As the activities of the night began, a few brave souls were determined to get back on the slopes. So they suited up and made it on the last bus back.

Back to the story of those who remained in the comfort of the chalet. Once again, the tables were rearranged and three-way beer pong began. This night was a little different for there was but a lonely table for those who enjoyed a nice rousing game of slap cup – a game in which people slap the cup as punishment for tardiness in the sinking of a ball.

As the beautiful game raged on in Chalet Dos, engineers came from all over to join in.

What started as a small game

12 the plumber’s FAUCET quickly turned into a communal event. Meanwhile, back in the first chalet, engineers decided to play with the hard liquor of the night past. All throughout the house, engineers went from calm and sober to rowdy and intoxicated. The night was young and the party had just begun. All throughout the house, enjoyment could be heard, songs were sung, and stories of glory were told. Overall, it was turning out to be great night.

As the night started to wind down, there was one thing on many of their minds: “Could the rafters truly hold our weight”.

Well, what better way to find out than to experiment? Three young lads scaled the poorly built staircase, and made their way onto the rafters. Initial hypothesis: “They can definitely hold our weight”,

conclusion: “They definitely can hold our weight”. For these lads, the party continued on the rafters - and what a party it was.

As the sun rose the next day, many of the engineers did not want to get out of bed. The hangovers were too strong. Yet they had no choice. The rooms needed to be emptied and all the baggage relocated to Chalet Dos. Therefore, everyone packed up, finished their breakfasts, and moved their things. The bags towered within the chalet and there no longer was room to walk. Once all was ready, everyone got dressed and jumped on the bus to make their way to the mountain for the last time.

Make Your Valentine’s Day Sizzle

The day came to an end, the bus was loaded and the mission was complete. Proud of their success, the engineers passed out on their way back home. They did it… they conquered the mountain and came out alive.

The snow was falling that day and the icy runs no longer felt dangerous. The engineers were

Faucet Romance Corner Amanda Dos Santos by

so happy; they were finally able to fully enjoy the excursions.

This improvement in conditions changed the entire face of the mountain. For the first time all weekend, the forest runs were finally open. The majority of the day was spent between the trees and among the wildlife.

What was once left impossible now became possible. The engineers had conquered the entire mountain and were proud of it.

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#5 Movie Night in the Design Lab: Nothing says romance like neon lighting and people cadding. Everyone else will appreciate you watching P.S. I Love You on the big TV screens. #4 The Pharmacy: Going badly? Beeline to the cash and call it a night. Going well? Items you will need later are right within reach. No time wasted. #3 LoL Tournament: To show the world that playing League of Legends =/= forever alone #2 Cinema L’Amour: French for The Love Cinema, and French is the language of romance , so you can’t go wrong. #1 Blues Pub: It’s Friday, so why the fuck would you be anywhere else?

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The Ballad of James McGee

A Morality Tale of Academic Integrity for the Modern Scholar, after the original by Robert Shirt and Robert Shoes

by Daniel Galef ‘It is the nature of Ambition to make men Lyars and Cheaters.’ ~Sallust On a heart-shaped isle not thirty mile In a wide meandering river, There are awful sights in the winter nights To make a statue shiver, And the strangest band in the whole of the land Are the students at U. McGill, Where the scholars crawl underneath Montreal To escape the deadly chill.

One hears strange calls in the tiled halls That were uttered in bygone years, And all them that hear it know that the old spirit Is something a man best fears.

They tell strange stories amid the flurries As they toil for a B.Sc., But I ain’t never heared one quite so weird As when I cheated off James McGee.

McGill

James McGee sat in PHYS 303, right next to my window seat.

He wasn’t the smartest, was more of an artist, but I saw my chance to cheat.

He tested great, he never got eighty or lower on a test, And he never takes notes and then he gloats and laughs ‘I know who’s best!’

We were halfway through and a packet was due and I hadn’t lifted my pen, But James McGee wouldn’t let me see what he’d got for number ten.

I begged and pleaded but he never heeded and he turned it in unseen.

I knew he’d worked and I knew I’d shirked but still I thought he was mean.

It started to fester and half a semester later, we had our exam.

I bribed and I schmoozed, but still he refused; it was far too late to cram.

I read all the readings, attended the meetings in conference, even opened the text!

I thought I was through, but I knew what to do, and what I would have to do next.

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On the day of the test, James McGee wasn’t stressed, but sat down calm and cool.

He bubbled his name, and I did the same, and followed every rule.

Then we opens our books and I cautiously looks over at his moving pencil.

His writing was sloppy, but I started to copy and filled in my book like a stencil.

When the timer timed and the school bell chimed I was up like a flash from my seat.

I handed it in, in the little bin and I thought that the whole thing was neat.

It was weeks in the dark until the mark was posted on the site.

But the moment I saw it I dropped my jaw, it simply couldn’t be right!

Sometimes we students don’t have no prudence when it comes to making our grades.

Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose and sometimes we make out in spades.

Sometimes we think and sometimes we drink and sometimes we just jest.

But James McGee had integrity and that’s the honest best.

I looked at my grade, at the bed I’d made, and I thought I might as well lie in it.

It’s what I earned when I should have learned, and there ain’t no use defyin’ it.

It just won’t do, since the story’s true, to keep your time too long, But when James McGee saw the cheater in me, he got every last answer wrong.

On a heart-shaped isle not thirty mile In a wide meandering river, There are awful sights in the winter nights To make a statue shiver, And the strangest band in the whole of the land Are the students at U. McGill, Where the scholars crawl underneath Montreal To escape the deadly chill.

One hears strange calls in the tiled halls That were uttered in bygone years, And all them that hear it know that the old spirit Is something a man best fears.

They tell strange stories amid the flurries As they toil for a B.Sc., But I ain’t never heared one quite so weird As when I cheated off James McGee.

16 the plumber’s FAUCET

Most Base And Most Pure

A Love Song For The Digital Age

by Valentina Onanovna

A maiden in her bower lay, and crooned: “Be mine, be mine,” To the strange and silent audience that was her Valentine.

Tho’ her lovers all had left her, still she sang they weren’t missed, As she doted on the paramour that tipped her dainty wrist: Against all woes our love can stand,

United in frank starkness; Blazing like a firebrand,

Your beauty shines in darkness, In music with the glory of a concert band; I’ll count the ways I love thee, my own Right Hand: One, for your dexterity in opening what’s canned;

Two, for your reflexes when we deal with what’s unplanned;

Three, for your soft nature, and still I would tell Four,

If not the better part of valor bid me say no more.

You’re my right hand hand, Right Hand, my love,

And so shall it always be.

We’re swell together, hand in glove,

That’s how you fit with me.

My former mates were nought to me, when push came to shove.

Let me proclaim it loud and clear, to the Heavens up above:

But, burbling across the trunk, uncultured and unsubtle, There came this crude and coarse reply, by way of a rebuttal:

APHO ET

R

Oh, get a room! And don’t presume:

You’re lucky that you’re right.

Remember me, what you could be,

If only Fortune might

Curse you to hide on the other side.

Before you call a minister,

You righteous fink, Here’s what I think:

It’s really you who’s “sinister!”

M

Oh, Manuel, Oh, Dexter, know our love is not alive,

For, since you’ve left, you aren’t missed, and that is Number Five.

You’re replaced by one who’s close to me; indeed, I must confide:

That, however far I roam, my love is right there by my side.