The St. Paddy's Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 9 • March 14th, 2014

The St. Paddy’s Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead

Why hello again, loyal Faucet readers. It’s been a month and a half since Farnangate, and SSMU Club hasn’t yet screwed up on a national scale again, so we had more of a challenge to come up with content. What’s wrong with them? I’m not paying them student fees to not embarrass themselves. Or maybe they are, and I haven’t been paying attention.

Paddy’s Patrons Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Shamrock Sorters Amanda dos Santos Faraz Oman Letter Leprechauns Amanda dos Santos Daniel Dicaire Daniel Galef David Bailey Ian Richardson Mitchell Steele Morgan Grobin

Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University

Darlin’ Drawers Celestine Hong (cover) Justin Turcotte Alexandra Foty Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca. Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 7 Friday, March 14th, 2014 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editors:

Though SSMU Club didn’t make the news too recently, we still have managed to come up with a great set of content on a variety of other topics. Tribaholic is back, we have some St. Paddy’s content in the spirit of the season, and we’ve poached a Justin Turcotte painting from the Ledger (one of us, one of us, one of us). So how about that week after Reading Week? It feels like it should be a party week, because it is right after time off and the weekend following it is St. Paddy’s (not to mention Faculty Olympics!). It feels like it is the first week of September. Except you have midterms. Everyone has midterms, except your friends who are getting drunk. I wish I could offer consolation, but there is none. I only wish people in impoverished countries could understand our pain. Speaking of Reading Week, a big congratulations to the McGill Electric Snowmobile Team, which won first place at the SAE Clean Snowmobile Challenge in Houghton, MI during the break. The Faucet editors came along in connection with our mech eng project, and got to experience the wonders of America. Abundant snowmobiles, cheap liquor, and a ten minute cab ride for $4. Truly, America is the promised land. It’s almost the end of the year for the Faucet, but we still have some steam left! Keep an eye out for issue 10, to be released sometime in the next few weeks. It’s Dan’s last Faucet as editor, so be prepared. He better not get us banned.

-DD & DB

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Ask Tribaholic! by Tribaholic

Looking after engineers, one question at a time... Question: Dear Tribaholic, I failed my last midterm, but I don’t have much time to study because I just started going out with someone new. How can I make sure I don’t fail the next one while maintaining my relationship?

-Your Main Man Pat

Question: Dear Tribaholic, I’m in the sixth year of mech eng, and I feel like I am getting old - my hangovers are getting worse, and I’m not as happy-go-lucky as when I was in U0. How do I recapture my lost youth? -Sleepless in McConnell,

U5 Mech Eng/Drinking

Answer:

The answer is simple, My Main Man Pat:

I’m sorry, but I don’t really understand the question. As a U7.5, I’ve never felt better! Here are some tricks I’ve found to help me achieve my nigh-transcendent state of awesomeness.

Study sex. You may have heard of this, or have some preconceptions about how this works. You may have heard tales of studying, then having sex. But we didn’t evolve from gibbering apes to do one thing at a time! We can walk and chew gum and masturbate all at the same time. I want you to study WHILE having sex. This can be done in many different ways. Backs make an excellent desk space, and I guarantee you’ve never paid as much attention to boobs as you will while they are covered in sharpie spelling out the Navier-Stokes equation (they’ll get your fluid flowing, if you know what I mean). Or if you want to take it to the next level, see if your newfound paramour is interested in covering their body with the math tattoos (commonly known as the sexiest tattoos of all). It may seem like it’s not enough real-estate, but I’m pretty sure you can fit an entire mining degree on one average size human being, with convenient 3-D shaft models for extra clarity (or if it’s your non-gender-specific partner, an open-pit mine!) But don’t stop there! Think about what you can achieve with your newfound multitasking skills. Driving while listening to David Attenborough e-books while masturbating. Cleaning your apartment while playing video games while masturbating. Cooking while masturbating while masturbating. The possibilities are endless, and very, very sexy.

Literally never sober up. This is much harder than it sounds, but we can apply basic thermodynamic principles to this. For a steady state system, energy and mass in = energy and mass out, at least pretty much (Frost/Bergthorsen/Timofeev, I apologize if you had to read that). Your liver processes alcohol at a set rate. You can find this experimentally, through binge drinking, and then measuring time to sobriety. Be careful not to sweat or vomit, as these will add unknown variables to your experiment. Then it’s a simple matter of reaching your desired level of inebriation, then proceeding to keep inputting alcohol at the same rate as your liver processes it. I personally have to input 50ml of pure ethanol into my system every hour. The simplest way to do this would seem to be to drink three beers every hour, but I have moved to an IV system that is active day and night. Trust me, there’s nothing like waking up at 9 am to a hot cup of coffee and a pleasant 4/10 buzz. Another way to recapture your youth is to live vivaciously through young people, by hitting up Tokyo Thursdays and by eating nothing but New Rez pasta bar and yogurt. And lastly, there is always the nuclear option. Go to Thailand and get controversial stem cell implants, made from authentic aborted Thai fetuses! 40 000 dollars will buy you the feeling of someone 10 years younger, as well as 20 years off your natural life and a baby arm that comes out of your baby arm (that’s a dick joke, dumbfucks).

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McGill Military Research Suffers Crippling Blow by Set Phasers to Pun On the morning of February 25th, several masked individuals stormed the lion’s den of military research at McGill and claimed their first victory against the imperialistic juggernaut. Using advanced counter-violence tactics including arts and crafts, bandanas, and stickers, the revolutionaries sprang into action against the Shock Wave Physics Lab. Fear levels among the lab complex’s staff and researches ranged from “what?” to “mildly miffed”. In response, the President has raised the terrorist threat level from dark green to forest green.

man waste in buckets and the discovery of hashtags. Our early response unit was left totally unprepared for this new kind of invisible protest operation.” Said McGill counter-unintelligence officer McDonald.

The immediate fallout came in the form of industrial stickers that plastered the surfaces of the student workspaces within the MacDonald-McConnell Stairway, and the student workspace next to “The Dungeon”. The damaging effect of these stickers come in the form of being rather difficult to peel off without specialty tools like Windex and a paint scraper. The What makes it even more frightening is that few traumatic hours that they haunted the glass winmost people never even knew that they were there. dows of the complex must have done something. The kind of training and careful planning it takes to Who would dare to pull off such a harrowing stage a protest that nobody notices is a new enemy feat? Following the scant, subtle clues left behind at to the administration. One that will require McGill to ground-zero, forensic analysts have determined that adjust tactics to thwart. “We’re normally used to prothe group is none other than Demilitarize McGill. A tests that make noise, or make a difference. #sixparty rag tag group on the run from the law, with nothing left in particular was easily detected by the scent of huto lose, they don’t know who you are or what you want, but they do have a very particular set of skills, coming next summer. The organization rejects tools that have military applications. Tools like Computational Fluid Dynamics, organization, and basic photography skills.

Demilitarize McGill believes McGill should focus on more peaceful programs, like hosting sewing and fashion workshops (photo is from their site, and unmodified)

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Shut the Fuck Up and Get Out of the Way A much needed public service announcement on social etiquette by Rocky Mountain Runaway There are a few things that I’ve started to notice that are really starting to annoy me. It seems like most people at McGill need to review some basic social etiquette. Here’s a list of reminders:

The classroom should be a focused learning environment, not a giggly TMZ gossip sesh. If I’m in a lecture, I’m trying to listen to what the professor is teaching, not hear about how you got shwasted last night off a 40 of Blue Dry 10.1%. Hey Barf-alo Bill, no one wants to hear you talk about chundering in an alley. Now shut the fuck up.

If you show up late, find a seat without distracting the whole class. I know we’re not all punctual, especially me, so if you’re late, maybe come in quietly through the back entrance. Also, don’t expect to find a seat next to your friends, as they’re probably all taken. Find an empty seat in the back and talk with your friends after class. Sitting next to your friends will encourage you to talk, which is a violation of Rule 1: shutting the fuck up.

If you don’t understand something, raise your hand and ask the professor. They almost know what they’re talking about. If they don’t answer your question, then ask the professor after class, during their office hours, or figure it out on your own later. When you ask the person next to you for clarification, you get distracted, they get distracted, and now both of you are behind. Talking is still a violation

of Rule 1: shutting the fuck up.

If you sit in the first row, you better be there because you’re an eager student who’s there to learn. If you’re on your Facebook, people behind you can see what you’re doing, so stop creeping on that hot girl’s beach album and take some goddamn notes. Also, put your phone away and stop texting. Texting is a form of communication and communication is a violation of Rule 1: shutting the fuck up.

Some people like to bring their food and drinks into lecture halls even though every room has a no food or drink sign. Stop slurping and smacking your lips like pigs at a trough. It’s not that hard to chew with your mouth closed. Nobody likes this noise and noise is a violation of Rule 1: shutting the fuck up.

Outside of class, people don’t seem to understand getting out of the way. Some pretentious people think they can just stop in the middle of the hallway and talk to their friends. It’s nice to stop and

have awkward small talk as long as you get out of the way. You can make your shallow, empty promises to hangout more often when you’re off to the side and not obstructing traffic.

Another frustrating thing is trying to leave your class while the next class is already filing in. Nothing screams “I’m a try-hard science student” more than rushing into a room before the previous class is out. Maybe we should copy Montreal STM and put these ‘let people exit before entering’ signs outside of every class. Seriously, just get out of the way. So remember; when you’re in class, shut the fuck up, and when you’re out of class, get out of the way.

We got bike gates, so why not stickers?

6 the plumber’s FAUCET A Census of McGill University Campus Publications: Volume I By Daniel Galef In every building on campus, from the elevators in the SSMU Building to the crypt in front of Moyse, can be found the little metal racks and kiosks that indicate the availability of reading material. To the disinterested passerby or illiterate International Relations major, these may as well be empty, or filled with blank paper or the McGill Daily (cf. Faucet 28.3 (2012):14). However, the true content of these racks are various and sundry papers and magazines put out ceaselessly throughout the year due to the efforts of devoted students and faculty, and they contain a wealth of information and entertainment just waiting to be unlocked by the reader who puts in the nominal effort and interest to pick one up. Here at the black market organ of the Faculty of Engineering, we take our journalistic duties and integrity very seriously, so, without further ado, here, in monthly installments likely to be dropped after the first, is presented a comprehensive, thorough, and, above all, unbiased census of these

er Review

h e Plumber’s T

pap ws

Li t

d Campu re an sN u t a e er

Bo re vem De Sterco

university publications, from the Ampers& BASiC Journal to the Zoology Department Zampler:

The Leaky Faucet The biggest, highest rated, most professional, highest-circulation, and best-endowed of all magazines and journals at McGill, the Leaky Faucet, revived by black magic after having folded for reasons of obscenity in its former incarnation as the Cracked Pot, is put out by the annex vocational school of plumbing, as its name suggests. The style prescribes to the Nouveau-Goliard school of reserved academic philosophizing and unbiased reporting on weighty issues with an occasional establishmentarian spin. It publishes the best of poetry, philosophy, and photography, as well as reporting accurately and neutrally the top issues of the day. The weekly editions feature the top issues of the day in their glossy pages between professionally laidout covers.

The Pickled Herring The only other humour magazine, and the only other McGill magazine with a readership greater than or equal to its editorial staff, the Pickled Herring apparently thinks it’s the Onion, possibly due to the distinctive smell. Nonetheless, it is a quality

publication, full of comedic content surpassing or even equaling that of the Faucet on an off day. It is this writer’s sincere and wholehearted opinion that this journal should have the full support and following of the entirety of the student body. This view is in no way influenced by the fact that I’m desperately trying to get published there and out of this hell — of a wonderful place to work where they absolutely don’t whip me with a bicycle chain for sub-par articles.

The Plumber’s Hedger Most students’ idea of a light reading periodical for perusing during tea and math class. Ideal for ledger reading.

The McGill Herald We cannot in good conscience publish a review or overview of this paper, as we have just been informed that it does not exist. We apologize.

The Steps The Steps is an organization of spies, collecting information on behalf of the Foreign Office of — aaaghh!

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The Kiss of the Irish By Mitch Steele

The Radish Religion-inspired poetry, some of which actually rhymes on occasion, which puts it automatically above the Steps and Veg. Usually read in conjunction with the Veg and the Herring to form a garnished platter for a balanced evening meal.

The McGill Pervert The only girlie magazine to be peer-reviewed and continue its pagination from the previous number. Also, in addition to the Queen’s University Ogler, one of only two gentleman’s magazines to enforce the strict use of APAstyle citation.

The McGill Daily The staff of the Faucet has just been informed that McGill does not in fact offer free toilet paper in the halls, and that this is some sort of newspaper. Our esteem for the Daily has fallen greatly. Stay tuned in to our frequency (paper) for the next installment, almost certainly never to be released next issue and covering the Tribune, the Reporter, the Bugle, the Clarion, the Eagle, the Times, and several other papers of longstanding repute that I also just made up.

Ah, St. Paddy’s day. That wonderful time of year when our alcoholism and day-drunken debauchery becomes socially acceptable with just a little dash of some magic green food colouring. I think it’s time we took a second to appreciate the lovely country that made all of this possible. From their adoration of little bearded men with pots of gold, to their hearty meal in a glass that is a pint of Guinness, what’s not to like about Ireland? One thing does confuse me though: the Blarney Stone. Why do people travel thousands of miles to play tonsil hockey with a granite girlfriend? I’ve had my dry spells, same as anyone, but thanks to the wonders of the internet and Costco packs of Jerkins’ finest oils and lotions, those have been dealt with without the need to lock lips on a lump of land.

According to Wikipedia, there is actually more to this stone than a group of desperate farmers who were a few too many liquid lunches deep. Legend has it that kissing the Blarney Stone will give you the gift of gab: eloquence and the ability to deceive without offending. Whoever kisses the stone may

climb into a lady’s chamber, or become a member of parliament. Personally, I would prefer to just grab a few more pitchers of that green beer; that usually seems to have similar effects. Legend has it that the Irish goddess Clíodhna (obviously goddess of embarrassing second meetings, due to her unpronounceable name) told the builder of Blarney Castle to kiss the first stone he saw on his way to court, and he was able to argue his case and won. Other legends suggest that the Blarney Stone is a piece of the stone of scone. The stone of scone, of course, is a petrified scone, that some forgetful fellow left in the sun until it became too hard to eat. King Other (the king before Arthur) tried to cut himself a slice of the scone to have with his afternoon tea, and inadvertently got Excalibur stuck. I would have recommended microwaving that shit first. In my experience, anything that you microwave gets soggier than prepubescent panties and a One Direction concert. Originally, one had to try to take a bite out of the stone, and only if you succeeded would you reap the rewards. However, after so many lawsuits from broken teeth that even the gift of gab couldn’t save them, and a rapidly dwindling Blarney, the owners were forced to reduce it to kissing the stone. Now the worst you will receive is a case of mono and some oral herpes.

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Sober St-Paddy's by Amanda dos Santos I thought my worst St-Paddys Day ever was gonna be that year I was all set to be rowdy, but all the Irish (and other) pubs in the city were full. With sushi and a little help from my friends, it turned out to be memorable, but I don’t have much faith in this year. At least then, I had sake. Now, I have a midterm on the 18th. And don’t even tell me that I should party anyways. I would like to graduate and this class has serious potential to deny me that joy. I am told that March 17th is not about drinking, it’s about Irish spirit. Well, I’m not Irish, and after studying for this course, I’m all out of spirit. I needed to dig deep. Thankfully, the internet is always willing to share its secrets. Armed with a list of things to do to have fun without drinking, I made myself a St-Paddy’s Day schedule. Coping is as simple as following the schedule and making it through the day. Then, I realized that for various reasons, others might be spending St-Paddy’s day sober, so for the benefit of all, I gave the schedule a test run during March break. Here it is, with annotations. Just follow along and you too shall survive. 9:00am Get dressed in green 9:05am Item #1 on the list: “Mix yourself a non-alcoholic drink”. Green smoothie it is. 9:15am Open books. 9:30am Boredom sets in. Switch to writing exclusively in green pens and highlighters. 10:00am Am falling asleep. Make green tea. 10:15am Feel like I’m doing some stupid green juice cleanse. Eat chocolate to recover. 10:30am That will definitely not be caffeinated enough. Coffee coffee coffee coffee. 11:00am The first cry. 11:10am Get a prop to cheer me up (pictured). 11:30am Cheer wears off. Put on some study music of the Irish variety. Noon Everything going well 12:10pm Nope, not going well. A few tears stream down my cheek. 12:15pm Item #4 on the list, “sing along”. I can do that. “F*** you I’m drunk, f*** you I’m drunk”. This is not helpful at all. 12:16pm Back to the list. #2, “Bust a move”. Okay, Irish dancing it is. 12:30pm List item #6, “Eat tasty food”. The only Irish thing I have is a potato. 1:00pm Back to work, gotta get through this chapter. 2:00pm Boredom and depression creep. Text friend that doesn’t drink alcohol for moral support. 2:05pm Receive reply, “Just smoke a little something green instead”. Not helpful. 2:30pm Settle on a green mocktail, much tastier than the smoothie. 4:00pm Back to the list for inspiration. #3, “play games with my friends”. They’ll all be drinking. Cry. 5:00pm #5, “keep hands and mouth busy”. Uhh. Interpreted as studying and snacking more. 7:00pm Cry 8:00pm I don’t even know why I am awake. If I sleep now, tomorrow will come sooner.

Have a great St-Patrick's Day!

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Earth Hour(s) Detailed analysis of an ad above a urinal in McConnell by Liquid Giggles You know Hydro Quebec, right? I don’t know much about them, except for three things. First, they magically make electricity out of water and give it to Quebecers. Second, they charge you a $50 new customer fee when you move into your apartment, because it is a terrible strain on their computer systems to change the name and payment information associated with an apartment. And finally, they produced the advertisement featured in the poor-quality cellphone pic on the right, and hung it in one of the washrooms in the Crystal Phallus (the big glass obelisk between McConnell and MacDonald). In case you can’t make head or tails of my photography, it reads, “The average time from first release to first clench is 28.0 s. Anything less wastes 0.1 hectares of a beaver’s habitat per flush! Let’s hold it in together to make our planet better. A message from Hydro Quebec.” Now, if I’ve ever seen a thought provoking ad, this is it. Some of my friends had some trouble interpreting it, but allow me to help you. “The average time from first release to first clench is 28.0 s.” This is the classiest way Hydro Quebec’s marketing team could come up with to say that a normal piss takes 28.0 seconds (not 27.9 or 28.1). Nice little biological factoid, eh? I could try to make some potty humour jokes about an accidental

second release and clench, but I’m not Adam Sandler. It’s the second sentence where things get interesting. “Anything less wastes 0.1 hectares of a beaver’s habitat per flush”. Now this isn’t cited, but it’s from Hydro Quebec, so it must be true. They are saying that a flush wastes 1000 square meters of wetland. Now, I don’t know how many hectares of wetland there are in Quebec, but Quebec itself is 158 million hectares. If Quebec was all wetland, then 1.58 billion flushes would completely destroy the province! With a population of 8 million flushing 3 times per day, the whole province will be destroyed in just over 3 months! Or at least dried up. Whatever they mean by “wastes”. In any case, I am reasonably confident that Quebec must therefore be buying land to destroy in vast quantities from third world countries, which probably accounts for all of the world’s environmental problems. Of course, this is assuming that those are <28.0 s flushes. The sign says “anything less” wastes the habitat, which implies that a longer turn at the toilet is less damaging. Maybe it is a binary thing where a flush after a short piss tears up exactly 0.1 ha of wetland, while a flush after a long piss does nothing. This means that HQ is right – we

do have a grave responsibility to “hold it in together”. So make sure you only go to the washroom after you have been uncomfortable for an extended period of time. Drink lots of water so that your body will always be able to fill up the bladder. If you have to go just a bit before an exam so that you don’t need to go in middle, forget about it – losing exam time or ruining a pair of pants are both better options than tearing up wetlands. If you have a small bladder, leave Quebec and go to a province with less dangerous toilets. There will be naysayers who claim that if the environment is in such bad shape that I you can’t pisswhenyou want, then we might as well give up on it and let the world fall apart, rather than struggle with our knees together for a hundred years. But they are defeatists – we can clench together to make the world a better place. Hold in there…

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Faucet Editors Master Electrical Engineering by David Bailey

What did your Faucet editors do for the Reading Week? Drink Armand de Brignac at exclusive clubs by night while parasailing and hang gliding at exclusive resorts by day? Well, normally yes, but this year was different. We travelled to Houghton, MI with the McGill Electric Snowmobile Team, a rag tag group of electric and mechanical engineering students who share a passion for building clean automatic snow-toboggans. Dan and I were there in connection with our capstone project, a sound-reducing “quilt” to make the snowmobile as silent as Putin’s political opponents. Naturally, the team won first place as Wendigo silently slid into first. But there were challenges during competition, including a couple days to make some modifications needed to pass tech inspection. As dyed-in-thewool mechies, Dan and I didn’t really understand all that was going on with these electric-y modifications, but I did come to one conclusion: making an electric snowmobile would be much easier if people would just remember to stick with the basics. You see, you don’t need diodes, relays, transformers, and all that other junk that electrical engineers invent to spin themselves higher paychecks. With a basic knowledge of simple circuit design, anyone can design an electric snowmobile’s powertrain. Therefore, I present to you a proposed design for Wendigo 2015. Tesla Motors, if you are reading this (I know you are), feel free to visit me in Montreal with a couple pallets of greenbacks if you would like to get a slice of this steaming-hot engineering genius.

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On the Big Rock Candy Mountain, the Answers all are ‘C’ by Daniel Galef

Class is dominated by artsies

As hobos have their pictographic lingo known as Hobo Code to communicate information regarding locations and people (e.g., sympathetic community, doctor lives here, mean dog, strict sheriff, tell sob story for food), so too have the students at McGill developed an alphabet of symbols used to tell or to warn their successors about certain classes and professors. The sharp-eyed can see, scratched on the doorposts and on desks and in offices, these arcane and primitive characters, left behind by those long-since graduated or dropped-out:

Class is dominated by chemists Class is dominated by physicists Class is dominated by engineers

Professor confiscates mobile phones

Class can be slept through

Professor is a lenient grader

Professor is a strict grader

Professor delegates to TAs

Professor takes attendance

Lecture is recorded

Class contains several hundred students Professor requires participation

Course is heavy on reading

Professor thinks he/she’s ‘fun’ or ‘visionary’

Professor doesn’t assign/collect homework

Final is not cumulative

Professor assigns plenty homework/ collects all homework

Final is cumulative

Professor is attractive

Professor has tenure

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More Pot! For those who have never heard of it, the Plumber’s Pot was a satrical engineering newspaper of the EUS back in the day, until in ‘88 it was banned from campus for going just a little too far. But there’s still a treasure trove of stuff in the archives, from which the Faucet occasionally digs up samples to give you a taste of the days of yore. Here’s a good one, so enjoy!

From the Plumber’s Pot - September 13th, 1972:

How to make it in Engineering... Without even trying by Arthur Itis September is a good time, that is, to try another faculty. However if you still want to try to make it, here are a few suggestions that will help make your sentence here a more enjoyable one. First of all engineering isn’t easy. Math and Physics won’t turn you on, and you’ll soon find out that most of the profs won’t either (except for a few weird ones). The work is tedious; you’ll find yourself working your ass off all night over some boring, irrelevant, bitch of a problem which you will find is wrong the next day and you’ll wind up copying it from some bright Joe who himself copied it from someone else. So we warn you to save a lot of headaches by doing nothing, enjoy yourself or with someone else, and copy your little heart out.

Start a copy pool, you’ll have a large membership, i.e ( your whole class)

Do not copy blindly and don’t worry unnecessarily about being found out, as the profs expect it and are used to it anyway. After all that’s how they got through university themselves. If you don’t copy you’ll go crazy trying to keep up and you’ll either drop out or die a virgin.

Take pride in your plagiarism and above all make your copy better than the guy you copy from so the prof thinks he copied it from you.

After you have finished your masterpiece and you stapled your work together, bend the corner of the pages where it’s been stapled. You’ll find that this is a very good divergenary tactic as the prof has proof

that someone has been tampering with your work and he’ll think someone copied off you.

Make sure when you hand in your assignment that you sneakily say to the prof, “Boy, that sure was a tough assignment!” He’ll remember you as a hard worker and never suspect you.

Lab write-ups are very good practice for the beginner, and always remember to draw the graphs then plot the experimental data. You will find that by doing this you will save yourself a lot of unnecessary explaining. You can copy almost everything in the experiment except the conclusion. I know that this is against any good copier’s principles if there is such a thing, but take it from an old “Hand”. Your own conclusion will put the icing on the cake and you’ll feel as though you’re really working.

Unfortunately, you’re on your own when exam time rolls along. The writer has found through trial and error that cramming is the only way and if that doesn’t work get up during an exam and take notes off another person’s exam. You will find that no one bothers you as the other students and invigilators will think that you’re an invigilator.

Another good exam trick which I have found useful for computer exams is to put your slide rule slip stick on the exam number and your cursor on the corresponding answer, then, pass your slide rule to the guy sitting next to you pretending he needs it. This is a sure fire method of winning friends and influencing people.

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Another old time favourite exam trick is to leave your book and notes in your favourite urinal and during the exam, shove your finger down your throat and throw up all over your desk and the invigilator, so if he decides to go with you to the can, he’ll be so busy washing up so that you can get all the necessary information. Other good tricks I am sure you will pick up on your own. Always remember that copying is an art and anything worth having is worth copying.

with a lot of free time. This writer has found that the best spots to wile away the hours is the Mansfield Tavern, the John Bull Pub, and the Arts Building at lunch time, which I like to refer to as high noon. So, lots of luck, and gentlemen, when the bell rings come out copying. And always remember a rolling stone gathers no moss but walk around stoned and you’ll get picked up by the fuzz, and believe me that hurts.

You will find yourself, if you follow these pointers,

Military Art Installation on Display Outside Leacock by Liquid Giggles In a bid to secure additional military contracts, McGill has recently installed a new set of concrete barriers between Leacock and Redpath. The barriers, which are rough concrete blocks with bits of rebar sticking out, are widely spaced enough to allow the passage of passenger vehicles and bicycles, which has led to their identification as tank barriers. As long as Marois doesn’t let the power get to her head if she wins the election, there will be no tanks crawling across campus any time soon, so it is clear that McGill is trying to make a statement with the concrete blocks. The rough edges of blocks when paired with the brutalistic architecture of Leacock is reminiscent of a war-torn former Soviet satellite state, and conjures up imagery of fear and destruction. McGill’s admin is trying to say that they haven’t gone soft, and they are perfectly happy to be involved in researching the instruments of war. They could have used a nice steel barrier or a granite block, but the raw unfinished nature of the concrete slabs screams “Apocalypse Now!” far more effectively. This moves comes in response to concerns among military officials that the presence of large, organized, and intelligently-coordinated groups like Demilitarize McGill means that there isn’t much support for military research at the university. The blocks outside Leacock are a firm statement that McGill will sup-

port any project, regardless of what a bunch of whiny beatniks think. The main complication in McGill’s plans so far is that concern has been expressed that they are jeopardizing military secrets by placing the concrete blocks on public display. Years of research by professors in the civil engineering department went into developing the tank barriers, and North Korean agents could potentially photograph them and reverse-engineer what went into making them. Fortunately, experts suggest that North Korean military technology is so far behind concrete that they will not have the expertise to glean any information from the blocks.

14 the plumber’s FAUCET

The Five Stages of a Constitutional Review Committee Analyzing the rebirth of the EUS Consitution by: Margaret Flash/r/ Stage 1: Denial You begin every Constitutional Review Committee with a strong sense of optimism. This can’t take that long – constitutions are easy! You’ll scan the proposed changes, check some grammar, and then be done! Well, first you have to change the syntax on clause 1.1. But that will be it. Okay maybe you need to strike article 2.1.3, but that will be it. Then you’ll be done. Characteristic phrases of this stage: “Leadership,” “Student representation,” and “Positive change.”

Note: This stage can be extended by providing free pizza.

Stage 2: Anger At this point, the endless stream of optimism is beginning to get on your nerves. You suddenly begin to resent every hand raised, every positive comment. Even the pizza starts to smell stale. All of this resentment gets to you and you begin to get mad. “WHY DO STUDENTS EVEN NEED A GOVERNMENT, ANYWAY?!” you scream. “DO THEY NOT APPRECIATE EVERYTHING WE DO?” Characteristic phrases of this stage: “No, you’re dumb,” “No, that’s dumb,” “No, shut up,” and “No.”

Stage 3: Bargaining By now you’ve realized that getting angry won’t work, so you start making deals with the other members of the committee. You agree to support the Emperor of MAME position having a vote on council as long as a VP Beer position is created, and you get the last slice of pizza. Characteristic

phrases of this stage: “Well, I don’t think that’s the best idea, but if you promise to support…”

Stage 4: Depression Everything just seems so overwhelming. This meeting will never end. There’s no point. You lose sight of why you even began it in the first place. There are tears. You sink down into the couch and stare at the ceiling with the fact that nothing can be done because there’s no pizza left. Characteristic phrases of this stage: “Whatever, it’s fine,” and “Ugh, I honestly don’t care”.

Stage 5: Acceptance Somehow, after seven hours and only four pizzas later, the review committee is done, and you go out to get a pizza. As you bite into the cheesy goodness and push aside the nagging feeling that none of the changes you make will ever be good enough, you realize this is the acceptance that everyone keeps talking about. It can be found somewhere between the crust and grease of a double chees and bacon pan style pizza at three in the morning.

the plumber’s FAUCET

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Queen - by Justin Turcotte