Vol 14, No 2

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Volume 14 Issue 2 Stardate 25,9,97 the second biggest evil empire

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The Faucet'Quebe'cResidencv Test

You don't have to be an out-of-province student to think that the Quebec government's differential tuition plan is somewhat discriminatory and detrimental to the quality of education. In fact, if you do disagree with the Parti Quebecois' stance on this issue, maybe they don't want you in the province, even if you were born and raised here.

In order to help out the McGill administration decide just who should qualify for the provincial tuition freeze and who should dish out for the gigantic tuition hike levied on sponging, out-of-province students, we've put together this questionnaire. If you score high on the test, you possess the kind of mindset that agrees with the Quebec government's agenda. They would ask you to, please, start pumping out true French babies after graduation. A low score indicates that, although you might be a Quebecer, you could be not quite as welcome as you thought in your belle province.

3. In typical club fashion the Canadiens have put their captain on the trading block. Being a superfan (obvious assumption), you would love to see, in return:

a) Jean-Francois Beaujardins. Never heard of him ..... but very French! (2 points)

should teach pedestrians the rules of the road. (2 pOints, 3 for a direct hit) b) Slow down to avoid hitting them, but lean on your hom and yell "colisse!!!", even though you ran the red light to put them in danger. (1 pOint) c) Slam on your breaks and swerve out of the way. Advise them to pay more

John b) LeClair.

Out-of-province player, but he must have some blue blood with that last name.

(1 point) clEric Undros. After that Nordiques fiasco, tabernacle!? it. (0

7. The first thing you do when you see a fleur de Iys is:

a) Rip open your shirt to expose the same symbol tattooed proudly on your chest. (2 points) b) Smile as you reflect about a symbol of national pride to almost 27 people.

(1 point) c) Tum and run away, quickly. (0 points)

8. To you, the Societe des Alcools du Quebec: a) Is always the stop preceding your night spent in front of the video IotIery machine. (2 points)

b) Closes too earty, but thank God for those 24 how depanneura. (1 point) c) Gouges pruIIII from your home cit-

.-ng operation.

a

office.

1. When Jacques Parizeau uttered those (in)famous words about losing the referendum "because of money and the ethnic vote", you: a) Ran outside with your blue and white face paint to find those ethnic voters and teach them a lesson. (2 points) b) Acted somewhat dismayed by the bold statement, but secretly agreed with Jacques because who else could have voted 'non' ? (1 points) c) Said "whaaaaaaat!?!" in disbelief and disgust (0 points) 2. You enjoy your poutine with: a) Boreale Noire (2 points) b) Rien, except maybe a bit of pepper!

(1 point) obvious foreigner. (0 c) Ketchup points)

=

4.

Yo u pass by an apartment building and chance to see a Quebec flag hanging off a balcony, next to which waves an equal-sized (!) Canadian flag. What do you do? a) Torch the building (2 points) b) Leave a note saying you will torch the building if they don't remove (and bum) the less blue of the two flags. (1 point) c) Give a "thumbs up" to this display of harmonious coexistance. (0 points, sucker) 5. Driving down "rue St. Laurent" one evening, a pedestrian steps off the curve and starts to walk across the street directly in your path. You:

(0 poinII)

.

on the long weekends (1 pOint) c) home sweet home (0 pOints)

attention and apologize for your excessive speed. ( 0 points) 6. Fumbling through the various radio stations of the Greater Montreal area, you find one that appeals to you. What you hear is ... a) You haven't got a clue, it calls itself music, and it's in French, that's all that matters. (2 points) b) Some perverted announcer reading off the internet to his obviously deprived faithful followers.

(1 point) c) One great tune after another. It must be a station from our friends south of the border. (0 point)

10.

You want to expand the backyard of your rural property, but the adjacent land are ancient Cree burial grounds.

The tribe leader has stated that their lands will remain part of Canada should Quebec separate. What do you do?: a) Yell "Quebec lands are non-negotiable, baby!" as you fire up your bulldozer and level off a few acres for your new 4X4 mud bog. (2 points) b) Be content with tbe 50 acres you already have, but load up your shotgun should those pesky natives try any blockades. (1 point) . c) Support the aboriginal group's cause recognizing that they are equally entitled (if not, moreso) to the same autonomy as Quebec. (0 points)

a) Stay on target and accelerate. That

We路leome to the Well, this is it folks. Plan B: the partition of Quebec into a new province known as Montreal. Is this the best the feds could come up with? Did these people actually win a majority government the last time around with this lame idea?

Through highly placed moles within the Canadian government, the Faucet has acquired the reports of plans C, D & E. The following are just some of the other ideas our government had to keep Quebec in Canada: Plan C: Continue flooding soverenist regions of Quebec through atmospheric warfare. Then hold benefit concerts across Canada with Canadian Super Stars (ex-

PROVINC~

cept Celine Dion) to raise money for the people who lost their homes and let them know that Canadians really really care. (*Note: Accuracy of the warfare is within +/ - one province ... sorry Manitoba *) Plan D: Allow more Red-Neck Reform party members into Parliament in order to solicit pity from the Quebec people. Further, allow said party members

de/of Montraal

to move into government-owned houses, and tell the people that their tax dollars are being spent on these freaks. The hope is that these actions will make the Quebec people so angry that they'll want to keep some Quebecers in parliament in order to stop the right-wing from taking over Canada . (* Waming: Plan D requires some reverse psychology, and may back-fire on the really smart, and the really dumb *)

Plan 9 From Outer Space: Create a show on the CBC called "Deh Q-Files": its premise will be the infiltration of alien life forms into the municipal and provincial governments.

Through a series of cleverly hidden subliminal messages transmitted over the mass-communication network of the province, these aliens have successfully convinced a large portion of the population to tum on their fellow citizens. Only through the investigative genius of two CSIS agents, Roch Marleau and Suzanne Beaudry are the aliens discovered, and neutralized through a series of supreme-court hearings.

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Lots and lots letters

A FEW NOTES SHORT OF ACHORD

It seems that I'm trapped in a box of my own creation. This sounds crazy, so let me explain. My friend recently challenged me to disprove that the act of thinking actually creates physical matter. He said he read this in American Scientific, a magazine that is way above my grade 9 reading level. So I trusted him and play,ed along with his stupid idea out of pity. So I thought to myself, I'm trapped. in an indestructible box with no exit. Now I'm stuck in my living room with only a computer and a bucket. I had to go to the bathroom, so the bucket is full . It seems I left no loophole in my mental exercise, and I need to eat soon or I'll die right here in my apartment. My roommates think I'm crazy, and they're in psych! Help! Please send pizza or something ...

PROPS TO MYSELF

I'd like to see more articles by that really funny guy who wrote 'Eat Yourself Thin'. His Seinfeld-like humour makes me laugh out loud. I try to picture what he looks like, and alii see is this vision, Antonio Banderas with a great personality. I can't wait to read his new article this week. Ask him to call me.

Tony Moshopoulos Contributor, Plumbers Faucet

GAY GUY STICKS IT TO THE FAUCET Nice work last issue with your "oh so funny" article which shamelessly repeated gay stereotypes in the way a little schoolboy would repeat bad words

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impressed me with another funny article! How do you folks come up with such original material week after week?

In fact, now my friends and I harmlessly poke fun by "outing" each other all over the place.

B. Sverdrup U3Arts

QUALITY OF DRINK A man who can drink a lot, is no better that a woman who can drink just as much.

P. Larabie U2 ReHgious Studies

THEMS WORDS

FIGHTING

An unresolved quarrel is best solved by calm cool discussion and not with fists. Unless your fists happen to be faster and stronger than the person you're quarreling with. The same principle holds for weaponry.

Meredith Sampson U2 Engineering

POLITICS A LOT OF BULL

Q. Westerbard U4 International Studies

My name is Johnny Power and I used to think politics was a higher calling to which I would eventually answer with my own special brand of flare and panache, but your previous issue dissuaded me from such a career choice. It seems politics is just

HOT ON YOUR TRAIL

a front, a legitimized conduit used solelv for the indulgence in all sorts

01 vlce5 al lhe ~ oJ the. ~ politic. I have clfiK:ldciKlto Instead IfII8 in the gentle rolling foothills of the

Laurentians and raise cattle. to his fellow classmates. You quick witted purveyors of cutting edge satire and biting social commentary certainly

Johnny Power U3 Political Science

around them. I to a popular sociology journal, hoped to get my thesis published!

Hello, grad school!

................. .............................................. ,

ALittlll Mora to tba Lan....

It would seem that we are experiencing a resurgence of the more socialist ideals in our society. It all started with the election (and subsequent re-election) of Bill Clinton in the US (but then again how lefty is ANY American politician?).

Then the election (and re-election) of the Liberal party in Canada (not the most socialist political movement we have to offer, but not bad either) . Then came the rise to power of Labor party, and the Socialist party in the UK and France respectively.

6y f~d$ Lcaf芦-ge These are just a few examples of how people's ideology of their surroundings is changing . If you are one of the many who are looking more and more to the left, then here are a few clubs and committees offered by the Engineering Undergraduate Society (EUS), and the Students Society of McGill University (SSMU) that you might want to check out.

(Note: This article does not want to suggest that the following .clubs represent the RADICAL left wing, but that they lie ever so slig.htly left of center) First off we have Concerned About Resources in Engineering (CAR.E.). This is an EUS committee made up of students who want to educate the rest of us on the various ways we can help preserve the earth's resources. AI-

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When push comes to shove. the Faucet folds like a wet noodle.

though their mandate only covers the faculty of engineering; they hope that though their information sessions, and posters and recycling campaigns, that every McGill engineer takes with them a deeper knowledge of how their future endeavors will affect the earth. Don't forget the battery recycling bin in the McConnell Lobby (GREAT idea people!)

Promoting Opportunities for Women in Engineering (P.OW.E.) is another EUS club who's mandate is ... welL .. the promotion of opportunities for women in engineering (so I guess they picked a very good name). Although their numbers are rising, women continue to make-up a minority within the engineering faculty. The purpose of this committee is to give women a stronger voice in everyday student life, and a place where they can feel more comfortable.

And despite what the name says, guys can become volunteers for the committee too. SSMU also has the Women's Union in the Shatner building to help the female student population.

Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay & Trangendered students of McGill (L.B.G.T.M.) is a club that falls under the SSMU jurisdiction established for the purpose of serving McGill's queer community. What's that you say? There are no queer engineers? Yeah, right. LBGTM offers three main discussion groups, such as: the bisexual group, the coming-out group and the general discussion group.

These meetings are open to everyone,

and are conducted with discretion: so you don't have to feel intimidated. Keep an eye on the Tribune and Daily for the times and places of the meetings.

Finally, McGill's unofficial left-wing paper: The McGill Daily. Because this paper is student funded, but separate from McGill or SSMU it is often the source of very interesting (and controversial) articles. Even though their process for hiring writers is more complicated than a 3rd order Boundary Value Problem, it makes for interesting reading during a boring class none the less.

You could also submit articles to the Faucet! The editors are always desperate too fill up an issue, so you're pretty much guaranteed to have your submission published in this paper.

Just look at me!

So this is just a little taste of what the EUS and SSMU have to offer. If you want to get more involved in the Engineering Undergraduate Society, then drop by the Iron Ring Room and check out what's going on.

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finanCial awareness weel . is lH'e: DeVil .

This summer I watched killer whales from the bow of my friend's boat ~s we motored off of Point Grey in Vancouver.

We had lucked upon a pod of about 20 of the things, and suddenly I looked around and realized we had become part of an armada of whale-watchers.

It was probably more like whale-tormentors, actually, as various powerboats buzzed and veered precariously around each other in a continuous battle for the best spot - a spot much closer to the whales than environmentalists deem kind. As the pod travelled out toward the Georgia Strait, forty boats traced an eccentric path after them, homing in on each new spot that the whales broke the surface (and their cover) to breathe.

been horrified to hear that SSMU functions now include "Campus Fest: a thinly-veiled corporate assimilation ploy, and "Financial Awareness Week."

If you can struggle through them, the majority of Tribune articles dealing with the SSMU are about financial matters.

Just like the leaders of this country, our "elected" "leaders" are skilled at putting a monetary value on ahy issue - in fact if money doesn't figure the issoe is seldom an issue at all.

In case you didn't know, .banks control pretty much everything already. Every time you make any transaction at all, banks make money. When you deposit money, they make money, and when

We hung back for the most part, and a stray trio of the beasts suddenly appeared next to, and under, our boat. One slid out otthe water into the air in a slow, lazy roll about ten feet from where I stood, and briefly made eye contact with me. I still recall the expression of extreme pity in its eye before it crashed back into the metallic water, and I remember thinking, "you don't know the half of it".

I doubt that whale knew what we've reduced ourselves to now. I'm sceptical that it had any idea of how important money has become in the world; our overzealous whale-chasing is simply one small symptom of what has gone wrong. In the McGill Daily this week the moronic comments of engineering senator Lukas Chrostowski were printe!1 as proof .of ollr _crazeq

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unnecessary cruc\1\x\ons: a simple photograph of the rabid expressions of stuff-lust on so many students' faces would have served as well Chrostowski's statements are sadly true, although naive

\s 'ona

McGiI doesn't have much of a history of activism. The laissez-faire attitude that theJJ18ioritY of students assume is a nice alternative to the spirited fervour of most other institutions, but it also decrees that protests here will be sparsely attended. That's why we're paying more tuition this year. Still, I can't help but think that McGill students from the sixties and seventies would have

EER:

you withdraw money, they make money.

The economy is more or less determined by the banks - even with five of Canada's major banks making around one billion dollars profit last year, our unemployment rate still hovers above 9%. Banks love things like Campus Fest because it's our consumerism that makes them profits. Every time you buy something, they meke money,- enc;! the , . . .- you t.h\nk before you acCumulate

more "stuff," the better.

Asking ques-

tions like "how much packaging was

used up at Campus Fest?" or "can Pringles really be healthy?" or "Why are women supposed to shave their legs?'" is bad for the banks, because the corporations behind the packages, the Pringies and the razors 818 their biggest customers You can be reasonably sure that none of the seminars at "Financial Awareness Week" will explain how you can avoid being spied on every time you make a Direct Payment transaction. I doubt there will be a session entitled "How to have a happy life without worry-

in-depth research has been completed in order to cut the costs of your drug plan. Our results: Beer is the one and only drug you'll ever need to reach a ripe old age . .

Because of the delicate nature of this article, our res.e arch had to be conducted in complete secrecy, less the big drug companies should find out about it and "peniluade- us. to keep our months shut. We hope you appreciate the great pain$ we went through to bring you this informatio:n.

ONDERS.

placing, although the RtsultJde take a little 'l onger to observe than Ute tradf-. ,t ional pill formal

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you'l'8' a ,Q~ resident, then 'you of how the brobably have good buebec drug insurance pran works .. , probably not. Eittter way. you know y~'reshelling 0utSome pretty VElIUcoin .e>verymonth for expensive that YQu're most likely never 90to n$ad 8n'fll8Y~

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8 public service to alt nor rea(fe~,

As humans, we talk all the time about our advanced ability to reason. Yet, for all our intelligence, we are fast becoming a species of consumers, not thinkers. Financial Awareness Week and Campus Fest are both just further proof of this, and' also proof that the SSMU puts no thought int6 the things they promote or the impact of their events.

Every time another such affair goes on where "stuff' and "money" are lionized as important parts of our lives, we move nearer and nearer to a world where property and possession mean everything. ~

won-dar drug t h a t o· ,r k s ha

ing about money." Money does not exist. It is a non-existent, unreal thing, and yet it conspires to destroy this planet and turn every one of us into mindless, "financially aware" individuals. When it is almost inevitable that banks will have a deep, probing finger in everything we do, we should do all we can to delay such intrusions.

The following i.s a list of PQ$$lble drugs that Beer hQs ~n' s",ccessful in re-

Every culture has its conception of good and evil. The battle between these opposing forces is such a part of the human experience that throughout history the conceptions have taken the form of supernatural gods and spirits who exert their powers over humanity with impunity. In my background there is one such form of evil called the Devil. A lot of what this Devil is about is fire and brimstone and burning in a lake of fire for eternity, and everyone can tell you that the Devil is bad.

or even crying. The highesl correlation occurs with single women between the agesof18 arid 2S, and people who were just.recently dumped.

information too uninteresting to merit full articles ...

New Bottom Line comes out Management newspaper hit the streets on Tuesday, boasting the same unfinishable articles and upsetting submatter that made it last year's least read campus publication. By dispensing with last year's ridiculous section labelling (see page G4 ...), this paper is less distinguishable from the Tribune. There was even some geek passing them out in the McConnell Lobby. It amusing to watch as people took paper, walked a few steps, saw what it was, and threw it out.

Only some people kissed Career Days ass We got nothing against Career Days are good since starving to death sucks. And what better way to find out about a company than to grill them about environmental policy, etc.? But, it is so sad to see people suiting it up to prove Human Resource people just how they are to conform.

Student falls down, bruises knee Hatcher, a U2 arts student, tripped his shoelace on the bottom step of is building and landed on his right knee. Commented SSMU President Newell: "where's the cheese dip?"

But when I think about it, it seems that lately our culture h • • lo.t _II Int.,...' In

this fellow. It used to be that when pe0-

ple told stories he or she or It was one

of the most common characters. He would be a tall, handsome and mysterious stranger who would offer unim-

aginable fame, fortune and riches for a very ninor trade, yow IOUI. Some poor sap would eagerty sign the conlracf In his own blood becIM IS8 he lacked the IT....... RIporIIrnollcee "Irony two years after the fact, Intrepid foresight to see the real cost of the Tribune columnist Dan Loomer transaction, which would inevitably on about Alanis Morrisette's concome back to haunt him a few years down the road. In my mind, our growing thirst for wealth, and our misconceptions about the benefits of owning things will haunt not only us but our planet and our future.

about the meaning of irony. Apparently he didn't notice that this subject been beaten to death by every sinpublication in the wortd about 20 ago.

Prozac: Trying to improve your self-esteeml1 Tired of being depressed all the After a couple of pitchers, all your seemto fade away. You're flying on of the WOrld, and nothing can bring down (except possibly beer).

EUS wastes food at OAP Some doofus left a unplugged fridgefull chow sitting in the supply tunnel after . In surprisingly aggressive fashion, McGill Tribune reporters went to town on this waste of resources, apparently ignoring the huge amounts of paper they on purpose, every single week.

Caffeine: Need that little extra [umph] before nal$? Feeling tired all the time? Try little Molson XXX to pert you up. As denced by the large number of who are able ta dance untit 3am in sweaty, steamy, cramped quarters beer wilJ sU~$Sfully deliver more ergy to your .m us¢les bya process Is too complicated to list here (or understand).

Ex4.ax: Valium: When it really counts, nothing brings you down like beer. The evld~Ct;f can clearly be shown by the number of people whc;. walk out of a bar visibly upset,

BUllShit.

Anyone who's ever woken up tht1 morning with a major hangQver know at the laxative properties of You can't get to the toilet fast ennllnn before the juiceS start flowing. ing: laxative properties have known to take:effect even while the ject is still sleeping. Investing in DEPENDS might be a good idea"}.

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Faucet receives cool response at the Faucet are extremely offended no one was offended by our premier issue. We take great offense that no took offense, and quite simply, we stand for it. All of you, and you know you are, have not broken our will, but merely strengthened our motivation. were reports of laughter and inas to some of the material printed and that simply cannot be accepted.

Common, "People who. are probably gay"??, you'd think we'd at least hear some of the people involved there.

No, wadon't blame you, you probably didn't "ger Qur a~cks or commentaries. Notto worry, we're committed to our excellence and plan to uphold the tide doled out to us this past year. And, if not mature enough to handle it, go fuck yourself.

Sincerely, The Plumbers' Faucet

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P/lbnbtU"~_' . r8UL'~

A,D Cont

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in virtually bankrupting McGill. ence was limited and not only were many well informed engineering and Pliml'lton's speech set the tone for the entire conference, and the detrimental management students turned away, and corrupting effects of McGill's most but some departments were not represented at all. nefarious special interest groups.

"To keep the conference under conMany of the workshops tackled the totalitarian agenda of the groups, and the trol, we had to keep the attendance at mechanisms that disseminate the arunder 200 students." explained MSRED VP executive Barbara Dubois. chaic orthodoxy's in a way that subverts rational economic principles.

"We knew that we needed at least 50 engineers, 60 B. CQmm. students and "The LGBTM is a textbook example." e x 70 econom.ics plained majors Ka re n Long, to really th/"k ~~'-()M~~ ~hQUID "leader m a k e ally takt" a 10."9 harD IQQk at what of the this a les e m igitimate tht"y Do. a"D a~k, 'a" wt" !?ally narentidiscuss ion. tie d ht"II'/"9 t~t"~t" I't"QI'It"?'" -Mr. , E coWit h nomics n u mMarl/" Wah/~r9. bers like and Mora lity.' that we " t his just had group has imposed an agenda of deto tell departments like Religious Studviant sexual perversions on a populaies that they couldn't attend. In the end we were better off for it, I mean, who tion which would rather keep that sort wants Religious Studies students in of activity hidden away somewhere, like a skeleton in the closet. The L's, G's, an economics debate? They obviously B's and T's shouldn't need to ram beddon't understand even the most basic fundamentals [of economics] if they room affairs down the throats of other students in a way that undermines the picked [religious stUdies as their] maquality of student life for the majority." jor."

Long introduced arguments in her The students in attendance put this work-group that connected the conflict-' unfortunate detail behind them and got ing pseudo-morality imposed by the down to business. The keynote adLBGTM and the fragmented nature of dress was delivered by Barret!

P.limpton, a U4 economics student McGill's student body. "When student writing a thesis on the economic imgroups dissociate themselves from each other alt hopes for a free market pacts of special interest groups. disappear. For example, norm,al stuPlimpton's speech dealt with interest dents won't go to Gert's if it's hostiAg a groups at McGill and the detrimental transvestite party. If average members effect they've had over the last 10 years

The students Promoting Rational Economic Analysis and Debate (SPREAD) hosted a student economic summit last week to discuss the current financial issues facing post secondary education at McGill, Students well versed in the science of economics determined that to real ize free market prosperity they must overcome the special-interest controlled state of today.

Average McGill students from various facu lties were invited to take part in three days of presentations, work-groups and panel discussions beginning last Wednesday, the 17th The purpose of the summit was to bring together a diverse cross section of students to discuss financial issues that will face them in the next five to ten years. Some of the top ics 'covered ranged from tuition increases to the privatization of the University.

"We had a great turnout!" Derek Wilson, the director of the event, told the Faucet.

"The response to our invitations was tre-· mendous, within three days all of the more important faculties had responded.

In fact, the management and engineering students wouldn't stop pestering us for more tickets!"

Wilson's enthusiasm was not exaggerated. The response from the students was overwhelming. "People kept coming up to me and saying, 'Thanks Derek, I've had such a great time. You've brought together the most objective and up to date students at the school when it comes to these [economic] issues.' I think I have put together this year's definitive student forum, and what we accomplished here will send shock waves that will propel the student body down the road to financial salvation ." boasted Wilson.

Other student groups questioned this assessment. Attendanr;e at the confer-

" ••.1

REFERE'ND'UMAN I 'A

All right readers, it's time once again that we cracked your proverbial heads open and scooped out the luscious goo inside.

This time we desire ideas for a Faucet endorsed question to appear on this semester's installment of the SSMU Referendum .

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~y Sven S. ~on If there is one thing we love here at the Faucet it's democracy! Not the crap-ass Federal kind. Not the crooked provincial kind. And certainly not the nonexistent SSMU kind . We want real democracy!

The kind that slowly oozes out of the pores of the masses When you grab them around the waist and sqlJeeze. What better way than to achieve this lofty goal than to have McGill's only alternative newspaper make up a question, and have people vote on it!

We found out tMat for a referendum question to be approved and, thus, to appear on the "ballor, it merely requires 500 student signatures. Now, you can bet that our motion will be gads more fun than the usual bland questions offered and, given the pubiicity raised by collecting signatures (and ceaseless promotion in the Faucet - ed.) and the habitually low turnouts, passing said motiori should be easy like a Sunday morning. This is how the wheels of change are put in motion.

To thiS .end life offer some possible referendum 'questions to be voted on by the McGill population .. We would love to hear what you, the readers, have to say about these propositions and which you would lend support to, or not. Here goes!

Motion 1: Whereas William Shatner is a

4

Not everyone can afford bread. but everyone can afford dirt.

recognized and distinguished graduate of McGill University, be it resolved that all SSMU executives honour this proud symbol of our school by dressing in official Star Trek Starfleet uniforms at SSMU council meetings. The executive members should also refer to the councilroom as "the bridge" and touch the upper left corner of their chest with the palm of their hand to signify communicator activation before speaking.

Motion 2: Whereas pictures of candidates upon campaign posters serve no purpose except to mask a lack of ideas, and to appeal to potential voters' superficial and/or discriminatory tendencies, be it resolved that candidates running in an election for an SSMU position be forbidden from distributing posters, pamphlets or any other advertising medium containing a visual image which is not text (words only, no pictures made oftext allowed), and that after the nomination process candidates will be identified only by a letter designation (ie. Candidate A, Candidate B, etc .. ) which will be randomly drawn from a hat.

Motion 3: Whereas Mark Feldman and Joe Diestel blatantly abused their positions of (supposed) student service to pursue personal motives (and nasty ones at that) which harmed the best interests of all students, be it resolved that the SSMU erect a wall of shame, where the photo of a representative who abused his or her power (which came from the students) against the best interests of the students will be posted with an explanation of what they did printed below it. Membership to

It's that cheap!

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the wall of shame will be determined by the Editors of the Plumbers' Faucet.

Motion 4: Whereas Premier Lucien Bouchard and MNA Louise Beaudoin of the Quebec Provincial Government, whom repeatedly claim that they have been discriminated against for 130 years by "English Canada," implemented blatantly discriminatory legislation for the sole reason of harassing students from outside of Quebec, be it resolved that they each be sent a letter from the students of McGill University through their representative organization, the SSMU, which reads:

of the majority are made to feel unwelcome they' will go somewhere else.

This explains why McGill students fear each other, and why Gert's continuously fails to be profitable."

One of the greatest concerns of the conference was to find a consensus, and to propose some workable solutions to the question of tuition increases. The group entitled 'Prestige and Profit: A Supply and' Demand Perspective' irwestigated the improved marketability of McGill University under a deregulated tuition scenario. The group examined a case study of Porsche automobiles.

Market surveys revealed that Porsche owners bought their vehicles principally to project an image of prestige. However, a Porsche automobile had ~e­ come such a common status symbol that affluent tastes started to shift. In order to rekindle the demand Porsche producers .cut the number of vehicles produced each year in half, and doubled the price. This sent the car company's profits soaring. A close analogy can be drawn with a McGill degree. The participants agreed that with the current funding situation in Canada, a McGill degree is accessible to people from all economic cla~ses. One of the most innovative proposals was the "Porsche solution." Deregulation would give the administration a chance to increase tuition across the board. This would result in an immediate decrease in enrollment, which would be offset by the lower production costs and increased revenue.

With the optimal solution to the tuition dilemma spelled out in plain· English for the conference, the next crucial step was tt') point fingers· a",d start laying blame. The discussion targeted many

-raP Read what you are typing out loud. It will seem like you are on television and actually thinking the words.

Sarah Guamaruchi U2 Arts Keep mayonnaise in your refrigerator as storing it in the bathtub can be somewhat awkward and doesn't ensure freshness .

Dana Spelling UO Science

RE: Differential tuition fees.

Dear Lucienl Dear Louise, Fyckyoy From the Student Society of McGill University These are just some rough ideas and are by no means the final draft of our question. So come on readers, there have to be better ideas out there! Send us a questicm that is so in~idiously rational the SSMU will have to do something they really don't want to. Just send them in before next issue (October 7th is the deadline) where we will print the final REFERENDUM QUESTION that we will ch'oose arbitrarily. Then all we have to do is get 500 people to sign our list!

C'mon students, let's take the power back!

If you want to prove you're not gay, have lots of promiscuous sex with people of the opposite gender and tell all your friends. You can also just lie about this.

Jay Fothergill Scilo Hocla's super-star playboy (Yup, that's right. The ladies love me and I love the ladies, baby! LADIES.) Having a son anc:1 naming him Ryan Crago is not a good idea. He might tum out to be a little odd. Of course, with a last name like Crago, any offspring run the ri~k of being pretty whacked out, even if you name them, say, Lil'ldsay.

The Crag9s' mailman Canada Post Drinking wine while writing [or reading] top tips makes them seem a lot· funnier.

Anonymous Plumbers Faucet Editor

VoIuIM 1~ NUtnHr Z.

renee " 9'7 campus groups which sabotage the possibilities for free markets on campus. Walksafe, the many McGill "helplines" and the McGill Daily were perfect examples of how a "handout" eliminates the incentive to improve efficiency.

Martin Wahlberg led a panel discussion with members of the McGill and the Westmount community which explored the self-defeating effects of these subsidized services. "The sentiment is noble, but all they do is prevent resources from being allocated more wisely." explained Wahlberg. "If an escort service like Walksafe is subsidized by a student fee, other more effective services will be driven out of the market. If a student had that $3.75 in her pocket , instead of being spent on walkie-talkies and red jackets , she could use that money to pay for a cab to take her home when she's alone. Cab drivers are great at keeping an entertaining conversation going with their passengers. But this poor cabbie can't compete with a free service. So all students get gouged with fees, and the ones who need Walksafe are getting inefficient service."

Whalberg presented many compelling arguments which unquestionably proved that the students who need the services most are the ones who suffer most from subsidizing them through student fees. "A student who needs a professional counselor should not be talking to an inexperienced volunteer on a hot-line. A student who may actually have a serious problem needs professional help, but can't afford it because the counselors who haven't been driven out of business need to charge an astronomical rate just to keep their practice open. I think SACOMSS should re-

,..~ While in Rome, do as the Romans. For example, throw .your arch nemesis to the lions and watch them go to work.

Or, build the coliseum, join the mob, or eat pizza. And whatever you do, remember that it's Jupiter now, not Zeus.

J. Ceasar U3 Classics When hosting a week aimed at financial awareness, end it off with a big casino blowout bash! You don't have to be a hardened slot jockey or compulsive gambler stealing from friends and family to support your habit to know that the casino offers ,the surest and safest return on your hard earned investment dollars.

Lisa Phipps SSMU VP external Make sure you never tell kids about the bogeyman. If they knew that a guy was hiding under the bed at night just waiting for the kid to fall asleep so he can feast on the goo inside their heads, all the work you did toiled training the kid will go right down the tubes (pardon the pun).

D. Harper U3 Engineering Don't let something as trivial as confusing 'it's' and 'its' bother you. Who cares?

J. McMannus EVFUS VP Finance

geneous stude-nt community showed ally take a long hard look at what they innumerable links to the subversive do and ask, 'are we really helping these activities of special interest groups. A people?'" stated Mr. Wahlberg. rational forum for debate tends to foThe final day of the conference brought cus on the underlying problems, or, if all the ideas and conch:Jsions together you will, truths. This eliminates bickerfrom the proceedings of the previous two days. The MSRED executives studing over petty' details and led the students to the source of the power that ied the transcripts of the discussions special interests wield like a lash. "All to select the recurrent themes and isof these groups can be linked back to a sues in order to focus the final conference sessions on a tangible goal. Most of them had been up all night, long past the conclusion of the conference's 1st Annual Monopoly tournament, but each wore a proud look of accomplishment and satisfaction. The stated Militant extremist strutting her stuff mission of clear source. " VP Finance Rutherford MSRED is to resolve economic issues Wells told the Faucet. "All of these facing students through rational degroups have grown with, or even out of, bate. Many of the executives describe QPIRG (Quebec Public Interest Rethe tireless effort they have expended search Group)." . as a labor of love, this conference tan"The enviro-natis run rampant on this tamount to what they see as the harmonic convetgence of a scattered but campus, and each and every one of their factions has been nurtured to deeply committed array of idealists in maturity by QPIRG. They act as an umthe crusade to open the hearts and brella group coordinating uncounted minds of students to the basic truths that are obscured in a world of informanumbers of anti-establishment disruptions throughout the campus . They tion overloa"d.

What happened on that last day was send their minions to meetings of the an unqualified breakthrough. The foSSMU and the administration to corrupt cus on the McGill community and the the proceedings, and to ram an antigradual erosion of a happy and homogrowth, anti-stability agenda down the

~ ptrtnHr

ZS. 1997

throats of anyone they can ."

The truth was slowly exposed as students focused their discussions on the QPIRG network, its mysterious actions and its insidiqus agenda.

"Do you ever wonder why you've heard of QPIRG, but you don't know what they do?" was the first line of Derek Wilson's conference closing speech. "Do you ever wonder why the average student knows more about enviro~mental fantasies than simple â‚Źconomic principles? The answer to these questions become obvious when you start to view them under a certain light, and that light is rational thought. When you think about subversives who are always complaining about multinational corporations anctthe evil things they do, you see that the real evil is accusing a business of heresy. Heresy to the great bronze idol known as ethical business practice. We know what businesses do; it's reported in the newspaper every day. A business can't do anything without CNN hot on its trail. But QPIRG? Who are they? What are they? Where do they come from? Where do they go?

The real worry is why nobody knows anything about these people and their secret fraternity."

The mood of the weekend was upbeat and everyone had nothing but praise for the organizers. Planning for next year's conference is already underway and the conference will be exactly the same as this year, barring any unforeseen problems.

"We are just so happy with this year's conference that we don't want to cl1ange a thing!" said Wilson. "Everyone got along so well, and we agreed on all the major issues. We couldn't. have had better results even if we rigged the thing!"

SOME REFLECTIONS ON SCOTLAND'S VOTE TO REACQUIRE ITS PARLIAME NT AFTER 290 YEARS OF ENGLISH TUTELAGE.

By Lord William Charles Pierce Woodrington-Winslow, the marquis of Kent-Shrapshire upon TunbridgeWells and Cloude.

Last week, Scotland confronted two questions of fundamental importance: whether to say yes to a Scottish parliament and yes to endowing it with the power to raise-or lower-taxes. It was a historic grab for a measure of home rule and Scotland ordered up a double shot, casting two resounding yes votes in the referendum.

The following day, a number of nationalist papers ran provocative headlines like: "A Nation Again: "A New Dawn: and so forth. Now, at this juncture I would like to interject with two fundamental questions of my own. First, why are we-being good sensible Englishmen-giving these Caledonian savages their own body of government?

And second, who in God's name gave those degenerate bastards access to a printing press?

As a Kingdom and an Empire we need to reassert our glorious rule over those barbarians. We shall do this through good English discipline, sheer force and pitiless brutality. Like the Northern Irish, those rebellious curs deserve to be crushed under the steel-toed boot of Protestant enlightenment. Grease the treads of our tanks with their entrails I say. Dismember the bodies of their leaders and send the parts to the far reaChes of the empire to set an ex-

ample fot all.

Why, I can still vividly remember when a few of mates and I fought in that tawdry insurrection in India back in 1947.

That blasted continent was burgeoning with disease back then, and I recall having to drink gin and tonics to keep .malaria away. Of course, when we ran out of gin we would drink our own urine, and when that grew wearisome, each other's. Urine, as all men of the sciences know, is a natural tonic and after a while we Officers began to prefer our pure, upper-class urine to actual tonic water.

Fancy that! It reminded me of my tender public school days. Such, such were the joys .. .

As both an Officer and a Gentlemen I never saw combat in India per se, but I can assure you that I did my duty for Ol'Blighty in a number of gruelil'1g Cricket matches against the unruly cannibals. In one particular test match I knocked Ghandi out cold with a swift throw from the vast arsenal of bowling techniques I acquired at Eton. That caused quite a stir.

We had to get our soldiers to thrash our opponents with our cricket bats to pacify them. Then we paused for lunch anq had tea.

But this is no time for sweet reverie; Let us not forget that it is divinely ordained that the sun never sets on the British empire and that it is our natural born duty to rule the primitives with an aus-

tere hand. We should first hang the treasonous Labour Party, and then march with the King's army up to Scotland. And when those barbaro.us blue-painted inbreds come out of the woods to engage us with tneir spears and broad swords we shall answer them with our guns, tanks, and bi-planes.

When we arrive in the village of Edinburgh we should burn it down to the ground. We cannot allow for such brash and childish defiance. This is not the time to spare the rod and spoil the child.

It is high time that we make an example out of these haughty mongrels and we must do so with grim determination. If we do not, other colonies of Albion will begin to think that they too can rule themselves. We must remember that we as Britons were placed on this earth to save these savages from themselves. Next thing you know, the Dominion of Canada will want its independence. Can we allow for such impropriety?

Let us defecate on the Cross of St. Andrew and urinate on the paltry Thistle. Let us reenslave the Scot and bid him to do the work of his Imperial Master. Let us tell him that William Wallace was a retard and that Rob Roy was a sissy-boy cur's bitch. And after that, let us turn our ships and guns towards Boston; apparently there is some infantile 'skirmish' going on over there. I am sure that it shant amount to much.

There is a world between fad and fiction. welcome to it.

5

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Reach for Council Spy?Istool pigeon] the top .

.

written without the choke-hold of a policy. about the loss of their common rooms.

Until now this paper has been the It seems that with the o~ening of the source of free flowing thoughts and new Wong building, available space ideas; but with the policy in place, the has decreased instead of increased. sPYYYYYYYYYYY... editors of this rag will have many more I'm sure that violates some physics or people leaning over their collective After a long and well deserved break, . thermodynamics property but, then shoulders with red pencil in hand ready again, the administration isn't known council spy is back ~nd better than ever. to strike-out any controversial, or for always following the laws of the Who is council spy? Well I wouldn't be thought-provoking concepts. "shudder" land. a very effective spy if everyone knew who Now on to the second counI was, now would I? What do I do? I Finally, Dean Dealy made a presentainfilttate the Top Secret public EUS tion regarding our friends council meetings and report back to Q, , - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - . . , . from the east-coast: the Mrs. Moneypenny, and the Prime MinisNew-fees [sic]. The plan is ter; otherwise known as the FauceJ edito open an engineering tors. It's my job to tell you, the reader, Placement Center, bringing everything interesting that .happened at CAPS, MESEP and IYES all the previous council. under one roof. Now here's the kicker: he wants to But enough about me, now on to the charge each student $30 a meetings (yes, there were more than year for this new office. Beone). cause this is a student service center, the proposed fee The first council meeting was more of charge will have to go an introduction to council rather than through a referendum. anything serious. However, one of the joke motions that went a little to far, and L -_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _......_ _ _---J. One more thing you should was passed, now requires the execuknow about the proposed tive to write a letter to the Arts UnderCenter: Computer Science students will graduate Society (AUS) to change their be allowed to use the services, but as cil. It opened with SSMU president Tara name to Faculty of Arts (F.Arts proof yet there are no plans to charge them Newell speaking about how much nounced Farts), in order to distinguish the $30 charge. Now Council Spy SSMU does for the EUS and how she them from the Architecture Undergradudoesn't have anything a@ainst Compuwould like more input into better servate Society (AUS). ter Science, but last year they decided ing the engineeriflg community. Here's to leave the protection of the engineercouncil's input: Quit wasting our money We then had reports from the executive ing community and join up with those on crappie handbooks! on what they did this summer, as well people from the Science citizenry. as some angry debate about the price Should this entitle them to continue feedNext came the notice of motion from hikes In the cafeteria. Council Spy being from the engineering trough? You our President and Dictator-for-Life lieves that the oil companies and the decide.

Taryn Thomlinson: the dreaded publicafeteria employees are in ca-hoots to "phew" Well, two councils down and a cation policy. What does this mean? gouge us for all we're worth ga-zillion left to go. Wish me luck.

This means that you are holding in your twa the WK'J last issue of the Faucet

Up from the depths, thirty stories high; he breathes fire and stands in the sky ... council spy, Council Spy, COUNCIL

PPO (Engineering) Presents

Reach Board Directors:

The McGill and Concordia joint summer camp of children "Reach" is currently looking for directors for the coming year 1997-1998.

This is a summer employment that actually starts from early November in terms of the preparation involved for the camp.

For all those interested, please submit your c.v., cover letter and a letter of reference to the EUS Iron Ring Room (room 278) to Diane, or drop in the VPAcademic's mail box.

The deadline for accepting applications will be the 15 th of October at 4 :00 p.m.

See ya.

CANADA WORLD

YO'U TH LAUNCHES ITS RECRUITMENT CAMPAIGN ~y Sotr,e Guy ~

c;enf iWc; to IJI7

Canada World Youth has launched its annual recruitment campaign of participants for its youth exchange programs with countries in Africa, Asia, Latin America , Caribbean and Eastern Europe.

~. ~'ill~<?h<?)tA

.

RODDICK GATES 8a:rn, - 7prn

Bring o Dollor or two to support Centroide b

Get tired late al night? Discover the cure for sleep in the next Faucet!

These 7 month exchange programs are offered to young people a~ed between 17 and 20 (males and females, students, workers or unemployed) wishing to live an intense and rewarding cross-cultural experience both in Canada and ~abroad .

Canada Wortd Youth gives the opportunity to its participants to understand the cultural, social, economical and political realities of different milieux. The participants also develop abilities in intercultural communication, learn a second or third language and acquire skills that will prove profitable in their professional life. Their participation in a Canada Wortd Youth program can also ge cre<1iited by some educational institutions.

Canada World Youth covers all costs of food, lodging and transportation for the duration of the exchange program.

The deadline for applying is November 14,1997, for the programs starting next July, August and September. .

Those interested in applying can get more information and an application form by contacting the Canada World Youth office located at 2330 NotreDame West, Montreal, H3J 1N4; telephone (514) 931-3933.

Source: Chantal de LaDurantaye, Program Officer

vo/u~

Iff Numbu路 2.

~ pt~m~r

25. 1997 ~

FLAGBALL S U P'I pi! 8R 'd The first week of the 1997 EFL season is over, and it went without a hitch! Great jobs sports reps! This is some of the stuff that we saw, and thought was cool.

If your amazing play that you thought would go down in the yearbook is not here, it's 'cause you suck, and it didn't impress me.

The women's league this season has a record 13 teams , 9 of which are returning . Leading the pack after two games are the MULTIPLE ORGANISMS. (notice that the Jaw Crushers have yet to play though!) They [the MO's] , pulled off two great wins last week against BMA and the Flying Butts.

They went from being a "Knob Cup" contender last year to, so far, being a serious threat, whatever! Moving right along through some of the teams that I care to mention ...

Even though the THUNDERBOLTS might have struggled to put a team together because all the good players left, they still should put a few points on the board. Anne G, a.k.a. the Martlet beast, seems once again like the offensive killer she became notorious as last year.

In second position so far are the KILLER RESISTORS, and after a devastating tie against the Bolts (13-13) , they routed Ideal Response 26-0. Tough break! Aside from their star RB Annie Michel, they have no one who can catch Okay, I'll be a little fair, keep an eye out for TE's Anita Bhat ( I need a bat? What the hell are you talking about Dom?) and Julie Truong because Odile has awesome passing abilities when she's not pressured too much. (PRESSURE, PRESSURE') It was heard that Dom AcUcM fnrnnint...rJ; lrnm h ...r' Some decent games were seen, finally, when CHOKED FLOW beat the UNTOUCHABLES, a fearless U1 Electrical team, 6-0. BIG MECH ATIACK were also winners against SHEAR FORCE (who by the way is a solid team and trust me, they will get their share of wins - again, some contribution from Dom) after a very tough loss to MO. FEMININE HARDWARE won their first game ever in the EFL by a score of 1-0 against IDEAL RESPONSE, cheap win - but it counts! Last but not least, STEEL WHEELS (nice name) had the honor of playing the first game this year against Feminine Hardware. They emerged as winners by a score of 6-0, even though Dom thought this game would be a blowout. They should be more impressive in upcoming weeks, once they get a little practice in. Keep an eye open for their C and NT, Charlotte Desourdy; she tends to run off the field sometimes for no apparent reason. Next time, we will take a look at the rest of the teams i.e.

Flying Butts, Iron Maiden, Ideal Response and the ultimate team, the Jaw Crushers.

The men's league consists of 21 teams, of which the worst name, has got to be Cyclic Fatigue - aka Depends, FU6, Rotational Stiffness. After a week of action, here are the most interesting moments that we could find ... . we really had to search for these. Cyclic Fatigue amazed the crowd with an amazing 60-0 win. Right now, they are Dom's favorite to win the whole thing , but he isn't a very good judge of talent, so who cares. They lead division II followed by SHAFTWORK, some guys think they make "cooler" friends than the GOONS. SHAFTWORK put up two impressive wins last week with a combined score of 62-0. Other teams I'll be bitching at this season are ... well, all ofthem. LAST CALL and the MOLSON MUD won their games this week. This isn't a surprise considering they played younger teams

and are made of a mix of veteran teams like Dogs of War, DC and Free Radicals. 12" COAXIAL is also in this division and after a solid 40-0 victory over some team - I can't remember who they should be all keen for the rest of the season in their ultimate quest to make the playoffs for the first time. The other teams in diviSion II are WHATTHE FLUX, [nice try at a pun, no bonus points though - ed.] TOTAL ACTIVE THRUST, SURGE, PRIMAL THRUST (what's up with the thrusting , are all of these guys so sexually deprived?), HELTER SMELTER and Gianna's pick for the Kelvin Cup takers, CHEM BROS ( if they still exist!). Obviously Alex doesn't give a shit.

On to Division I now. The GOONS are in the lead so far, after that tough first

week of games. They were the topanked tum going into the season, but doubt they'll be there for long (they're gonna have to get that old softy Gunther back on some sort of program). Despite the devastating loss of Simon ' I drop balls in playoffs' Raby, they still suck' They by far have the toughest schedule with cross-over games against Molson Mud and Last Call. To that, add the loss of star DBITE Dennis Kim (who plays for Shaftwork now), and the fact that they choked big time last year In the playoffs, and you might start thinking that tough times might be ahead. They are followed closely by STANDARD PENETRATION and their new found offense (so far this year, they managed more than the traditional rouges). Also up there in the rankings is SCREW AND BOLT, who have a good chance in passing the first round of the playoffs. STP has gelled, as a team in its 5th year, and have adopted an equality in scoring philosophy [which has many prominent superstars up in arms, so to speak- ed.].

r

A plea for tes tos t .e rone Something needs to be said about the deplorable lack of competition on the flagball field. People are just not taking the game seriou'sly enough with their 1just-want-to-have-fun attitude. Unless something is done to remedy the situ-

friends anyway. If this non-competitive nature keeps up, the next thing you know it will spread into classes and people will start sharing their assignments.

~yJcJ:~St~

We also need to see some more cheating. Cheating, by it's nature, is a great way to win, but is also an excellent way to take out all your academic frustrations. If you're not doing well in a course and your TA happens to be on the opposing team, a good, low hit to the knees [or the small of the back - ed. J after the whistle will teach him/her to give you 40% on an assignment (even though you answered two of the five questions). As for the girls, make sure you break all your nails (preferably on the other team's faces), and don't forget the totally legal elbow in the breasts . move when you're blocking. Courtesy is a typical feminine trait that is to be discouraged in Engineering . Some crafty blocks from behind are a smart move if the other team is belter than yours and you 're getting desperate.

Everyone knows that the refs only watch the ball so anything that isn't seen constitutes "fair play".

ation we will soon see the downfall of this testosterone-filled game. This is a plea to my fellow engineers to put the violence and unfair play back in the game. The flagball field is a place of war and a right of passage for any aspiring engineer. If you don't leave this school with a permanent knee injury, some porcelain teeth, or a donation of at least a pint of blood to the iower campus field, you just don't deserve to wear the iron ring. So I'm going to tell you

what's wrong with tlits "game" straight up.

My first problem is with the mistake of letting pretty much anyone who wants to play on the field. Where is the quality control in that approach? Why build up a camaraderie with your fellow class mates when you could just cut the people who suck and have a team that will annihilate the opposing "friendly' teams . Winning the Cup should be the only goal of any serious team. If people suck, don't spare their feelings, cut them. If they're not good enough to be on your team you don't need them as

l't!..

""

For the upper year teams who really have a chance at the championship, make sure you go hard on the U1 teams . Forget about showing good sportsmanship and welcoming them to Engineering. Show them the real spirit of Engineering by using their ignorance to your advantage. Bring every mistake they make (and some that they don't) to the attention of the referee to make sure they get the maximum amount of penalties. Just remember, if ou don't win it's not fun .

Maybe with these improvements to the game, McGill's engineering students will exit this school with the more competitive nature needed to survive in the real world. Sportsmanship, courtesy and fairplay are all weaknesses , whether in the game of flagball, or in the cut-throat industrial world They must be removed in the name of success .

..

Also on top of that division, you find BIG VECTORS (word around town is that they're a big threat this year) and MOTHER LIQUORS. If ML plans on staying up there for the rest of the season, they will have to find a miracle cure to all those injuries (what is it now guys; four SERIOUS injuries? Wimps). The rest of the division comprises the FRESHMEN, a good spirited U1 ELEC. Team but let's face it, they don't stand a chance, BLACK RIDERS (Somebody has got to tell these guys not to wear jeans, muscle T-Shirts and steel toe cow-boy boots to play! Just who are they trying to impress?) , MECH IN BLACK and 69NERS (another unoriginal name but hey, what's wrong with trying to meet those girls from MO?) and lastly, HIGH SPEED DISCHARGE. Good luck to all teams, and we'll see you all out in the mud!

PS: Scrap paper with scribbling about wanting to attend class are NOT Game Change Forms!

<,I

--

A monkey piloting the space shuttle? The Faucet was there to get the scoop.

7

'--' P/cunk,..s'

r"u拢t>t

An

Inves tiga ti ve Report on Relations路hips J by a Moron

Usually its hard to write about the differences between men and women without repeating all that garbage smart people say. The question I asked myself as a writer was, how do I bring something new to this age old debate? How do I provoke you the reader into thinking about the subject?

The answer to this was provided by my friend , lets call him Moron. You see , there are so many stupid people around the world from who we never hear from.

For too long, stupid people (who aren't in government) have never had a platform from which they could share with the world their enlightened and thoughtful insights into relationships.

You're probably thinking my friend Moron has nothing relevant to say, and for the most part I agree. I don't call him Moron for nothing. But read on and decide for yourself: Plumbers' Faucet: Hey Moron, what do think about your relationships with .women?

Moron: Well , men and women are like oil and vinegar: they don't usually mix well but on occasion they make a great vinaigrette.

PF: You would think millions of years of cohabiting the earth would have taught us something about the other sex, but apparently it hasn't.

Moron: Ya man, so true. My roommate, she might as well be from Mars. She always complains that the toilet seat is up. I always complain it's down. I ask you, is' a middle ground .feasible?

PF: So she doesn't understand your needs ?

Moron: She doesn't understand my needs. As a man, I find it imperative to constantly scratch my nuts. She always says that it's a sickening display of hygienically questionable behavior. But, I was watching a Nature documentary, and you should see the scratching baboons do! I felt vindicated by our simian ancestors.

PF: Do you date women often?

Moron: I try to all the time. I like to think about it as though I were a hunter, with me as the liqn, and women like water buffalo. At bars , women tend to stick together. They seem to find safety in numbers. But as soon as one separates from the heard, she becomes fair game .

..,.

..,...

PF: So you understand all the subleties of flirting?

Moron: No, but I do know that gawking and drooling are bad. Actually, in general , most primal gut reactions do not make for great first impressions. The point of flirting as I see it is to disguise your true intentions 路towards the other up until you're both naked. Some people are better at flirting than others. I myself am inept at talking to strangers.

I'm always thinking I'll be exposed as the fool I am, or somehow let it slip that I mentally undressed her prior to talking to her. I am also very aware of other people's personal space , and treat it as a No-fly Zone: enter it at the risk of being shot down.

PF: Do you always think about sex?

Moron: I usually think about sex every 6 seconds. Even when I'm not thinking about sex, I'm thinking about thinking about sex. Like Windows95, 75% of

8

The Faucet is watching you.

my brain thinking time is wasteGl, thinking about sex, and I only use 25% of the brain on useful tasks like answering you're questions. And on top of that, humans use only 3% of their to begin with. So after you do some math it comes down to this: I only use 1% of my brain.

PF: So how do you clear your mind of sexual thoughts?

Moron: I go to strip clubs. It is the only place were I can relax. I don't tire myself out picturing all the women naked as I would in any other social setting, because THEY ARE NAKED. I am then free to ponder more substantive things, like computing the Fourier constants for periodic signals. Unfortunately, now that I've told the entire world that men picture all women naked all the time, I will probably be hunted down and killed, just like that poor woman who told me why women go to the bathroom in ' groups. It seems both genders have secrets they would rather not have publicized.

I*!A1iZe 11fS

As some of you might have read, McGill is currently c0nsidering a deal which would see Chapters manage the Bookstore on McTavish. Is anything sacred in this era of stingy government policies towards education? We at the Faucet thinK not. That's why we've hired Paparazzi to find out what other changes our disillusioned administration might have in store for the McGill campus:

Moishe's Steak House taking over McConnell Cafeteria What better way to copy a long engineering assignment than over a charbroiled, tender sirloin? And don't worry about the lofty expense; our administration has cleverly devised a scheme which would see your bills accumulate in your school fee account. In other words, lunch's on Mom and Dad! Reservations can be made using DAS. Botanical Gardens to relocate onto Main Field With Pierre Bourque in power, you can't help but take this one seriously. When informed about this rumor, irate sports rep Dom Viens vowed that "Eve". plant, every flower, every seed will be trampled on by angry Engineering Flagball players".

any additional costs for a yearly membership above the already increasing student fees, Principle Shapiro chuckled and then informed our investigators that the posh complex would be private - faculty members only.

Provi-Soir and 7-11 both bidding for Sadies With business thriving at the Provi-Soir on Park Ave., mostly due to 3 AM condom sales from drunken frat boys after a hard night at Annie's, a franchise closer to Gert's would make sound business sense. The stakes are high, and so Shapiro and company can laugh their way to the bank as they wait for the result as a second well known depanneur name involved in the bidding war: Since the introduction of their new "slush" machine, long line-ups have been the norm at the Sadies located in the Union building. Catching wind df this, rumors have .it that North American giant 7-11 is eager to make jts Quebec debut with its popular Slush-Puppy family. With Gert's next door, could America be on the verge of witnessing a new and improved product line?

But wait.. . Our reliable sources have heard strange utterings concerning our infamous student pub -

PF: You're a pretty horny bastard. But Weider's Gym to transform C,u ny Gym are you all talk? into state of the art sports complex Moron: When it comes to sex, I can be Goodbye Gert's, Hello Club Supersexel pretty cocky, pardon the pun. I truly beAnd Thursday nights are NEVER At least this change would be wellieve I am the world's best lover. I never comed wholeheartedly by the student gonna be the same. fail to satisfy myself, which is the imbody. An air conditioned workout, folportant part. Sure, you're probably think[Anonymousness (anonymity is funny lowed by a sauna, whirlpool and masing I'm selfish about oqgasms, that I to pronounce) was requested by the sage during finals would surely relax don't please my-opartners, but that's even the most stressed out individual. author since Pierre Bourque is a very what the second and third 'session' is But things sounded to good to be true; paranoid man.] for, namely, her. My position on this when probed for Information r ..g"''''f ...~ matter is firm: the . more orgasms , the better. When I'm not eating , CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR drinking or study~ SCIENCE, ENGINEERING, TECHNOLOGY STUDENTS ing, I'd rather be writhing in pure LOOKING FOR CHALLENGING. REWARDING EMPLOYMENT? pleasure that is THE TEXTILE INDUSfRY MAY BE THE PLACE FOR YOU. my orgasm. Not that you care. Disturbing you say, The Textiles Human Resources Council, a labour-management partnership, but lets face it , invites you to consider' a new, one-year, intensive management internship program while you read based in Hamilton, Ontario, this, you're probably not having The program will offer: sex, but wishing you were. In fact, => a world-class education in textile manufacturing; in the time it took => comprehensive managerial skills training; to read this arti=> a four-month job placement; cle , 26 people => free tuition; and achieved or=> excellent potential for full-time, well-paying employment upon successful gasm. Here 's a question for you. completion.

Is pornography really that deDr. Hassan Behery from Clemson University, a leading world authOrity in textile grading for science and textile manufacturing, designed the textile curriculum and will teach women , like besome of the courses. . cause they're always in those The Canadian textile industry is a highly dynamic, highly competitive and films? technologically advanced industry. It needs well-trained, motivated managers and PF: Firstly, I hope 2 of those 26 aren't my parents. As for your question, the answer is no. It is no insult to women to present the ideal female as a bleach blond, watermelonboobed bimbo.

Gloria Steinem, your work is done!

Moron: They're not all blonde! !

professionals.

If this industry and this internship appeal to you, call Gordon DiGiacomo at (613) 230-7217, send us an E-mail atthrC@sympatico.ca (visit our updated Web site at www3.sympatico.caAhrc), or write to us at: Textiles Human Resources Council 1720-66 Slater St. Ottawa, Ontario K1 P 5H1

Textiles Human Resources Council

Conseil des ressources humaines de I'industrie du textiles