Volume 13
Issue 5
November 8, 1996
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Magic of Numbers Number of times people have hlnt;:u:ted the Faucet ediwrs bftthey have a problem with the lication. Number of hours the civil comhave been used ever since t-lui:1l\e has been inaccessible. : The price of beer at Blues Pub : Number of real touchdowns Leon lnoaman has scored. : The price of beer at a ~edmen Football Game The number of people at a ilorlman Football Game. Number of monsters 'taken of byCFMFC Number of days we have until all screwed for finals. Number of people who .attend average Blues Pub. Number of people who would up to a Redman Football if the price of beer was one
You Probably Didn't Know November 151Ii,.the Apocalypse hrriues and God will judge mankInd decide whether we ar~ worthy to continue on with our (worth 10010. can have 100% on December 20111.) guy called Bill Clinton won a by-election in what we think is Guythis week. Something about IiAtnnlishing his candidate or someor other. More later! is actually good for you. Jiaving twelve beers a day inI::reases your cholesterol tolerance. taking into account calories or ""'""hol dosage) philosopher Aristotle actually I'lypothesized that the world was and calculated in the circum.oron,..", of the earth was 40 000 (what an idiot!)
What do you think of when picturing a squirrel? Like most people it's probably-an image of a cute, little, bushytailed critter innocently jumping around the trees ....... and that's exactly what they want you to think. Recently a Plumbers' Faucet investi: gative report uncovered some shocking facts that pointed to an extensive power base established by our would be nut-gathering "friends." Their position on campus might be somewhat more substanti"al than you ever guessed. Consider, if you will, our own special blend of fact and wild speculation about our small mammalian wouldbe "friends". Mankind has encroached on the natural habitat of squirrels all over the world. This, along with always being squashed by cars, means you can bet they're pissed and have it in for us humans. No other animal has been assimilated into our society without being domesticated as extensively as squirrels. This coexistence has been peaceful by most measures and this winning of our trust has put squirrels in an excellent position to implement any plans unnoticed. A nut-based diet is very high in protein; excellent for the development of the brain. It has been suggested that the capabilities of the squirrel brain have been grossly underestimated and are much more extensive than similarly sized rodents. These squirrels spend their whole life on the campus of one of the finest learning institutions in the world, and through reading over students' shoulders, listening in on lectures from nearby tree limbs, sneaking into the computer labs after hours and other exposure, they have undoubtedly amassed an extensive amount of knowledge. Just about every green space we see houses at least one squirrel and
all members of this huge population are constantly on the go. Seemingly always hard at work, can we believe it's always nut gathering . that's going on? Not verily. Is it presumptuous to suggest that what we're actually witnessing is the transport and exchange of information hidden within these acorns, etc. in the form of microchips, nut-sized microfiche or some other highly advanced squirrel technology. These factors paint a clear image of just how effectively squirrels have been able to pull the wool over our eyes for so long. They are simply points trying to explain how ans why these small creatures could be the insidious overlords the information we collected hinted they might be. Findings from the report point to the squirrels having much more control in the day-to-day handling of affairs at McGill than was ever suspected. In fact Principal Shapiro has been seen on different occasions holding meetings outside with the not-so-cute nut-munchers. Under the guise of an innocent feeding session, passers by were probably unaware of the high pressure situation the dean was frequently in thanks to the squirrels' outrageous demands. ''This is how business is conducted" said one reporter who chooses to remain anonymous, hinting at Shapiro's position being little more than that of a puppet at the university with his strings
under the astute control of the bushytailed rodents. Many decisions made by the dean may have seemed slightly
ludicrous at the time, but if you look at them from the standpoint of his furry bosses, there certainly is a method to his madness and the ultimate goal would have the squirrels presiding over much more than simply this institution. So next time you go outside to feed or chase squirrels or put them down your pants, think twice. Maybe step back and truly study the complex workings of the squirrel consortium that is all-to-real in this reporter's mind. Though dangerous to expose the truth about something that has managed to stay a secret for so long, it is something that is too important to us here at the Faucet. If this leads to the exposure, as we are sure it will, of an entire squirrel network around the globe bent on making mankind subservient to our WOUld-be overlords, then we've done our job.
Scilo Reeks ~ l\,1ondco
Balks,
Sccc Talk about Mocking Shock 路 Montreal - Monday morning (a couple weeks ago) saw rainy, cold conditions in Pikksalu Stadium and an all-too-iII, chill wind blowing for ESL softies Mondeo. Everyone knew it would be tough for them to come out to play in front of Scilo Hocla's hometown, farfrom-fair weather fans, but add to that the miserable conditions and its no wonder they would have rather been home in bed. Always the hardcore showmen, the ex-soccer legends were out early in front of fans to dive shirtless through the puddles on the pitch, breakdance alongside the Ho-Cla dancers and partake in some pre-game boat racing against fans because even when drunk,
they still are that good. Anticipation was literally oozing out of people as the beloved Hocla prepared to take on the the cocky, rude and generally disliked Mondeo. Mondeo started out early with their their trademark whining, this time about the supposed non-existent officiating. Scilo laughed at the pathetiC display and in typical Kool Moe Dee fashion, they went to work. Much props to captain Omeros Rashid for keeping his cool and remaining diplomatic in the face of quite rude treatment from the Mondeo captain, known only as Chump. The game was uncharacteristically short, and when the mud had finally settled the international soccer play-
boys known as Scilo found themselves on the winning end of a 2-0 result. This surprisingly easy defeat of the leagueleading scorers prompted many fans to state "it was like [Mondeo] wasn't even there!;' Hey Mondeo! Why don't you stop pestering Omer now. You'll just have to wait until playoffs for another crack at the number one ESL team ...... in fans' hearts.