The Plumber's Faucet by The Plumber's Faucet

Volume 13

Issue 5

November 8, 1996

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Magic of Numbers Number of times people have hlnt;:u:ted the Faucet ediwrs bftthey have a problem with the lication. Number of hours the civil comhave been used ever since t-lui:1l\e has been inaccessible. : The price of beer at Blues Pub : Number of real touchdowns Leon lnoaman has scored. : The price of beer at a ~edmen Football Game The number of people at a ilorlman Football Game. Number of monsters 'taken of byCFMFC Number of days we have until all screwed for finals. Number of people who .attend average Blues Pub. Number of people who would up to a Redman Football if the price of beer was one

You Probably Didn't Know November 151Ii,.the Apocalypse hrriues and God will judge mankInd decide whether we ar~ worthy to continue on with our (worth 10010. can have 100% on December 20111.) guy called Bill Clinton won a by-election in what we think is Guythis week. Something about IiAtnnlishing his candidate or someor other. More later! is actually good for you. Jiaving twelve beers a day inI::reases your cholesterol tolerance. taking into account calories or ""'""hol dosage) philosopher Aristotle actually I'lypothesized that the world was and calculated in the circum.oron,..", of the earth was 40 000 (what an idiot!)

What do you think of when picturing a squirrel? Like most people it's probably-an image of a cute, little, bushytailed critter innocently jumping around the trees ....... and that's exactly what they want you to think. Recently a Plumbers' Faucet investi: gative report uncovered some shocking facts that pointed to an extensive power base established by our would be nut-gathering "friends." Their position on campus might be somewhat more substanti"al than you ever guessed. Consider, if you will, our own special blend of fact and wild speculation about our small mammalian wouldbe "friends". Mankind has encroached on the natural habitat of squirrels all over the world. This, along with always being squashed by cars, means you can bet they're pissed and have it in for us humans. No other animal has been assimilated into our society without being domesticated as extensively as squirrels. This coexistence has been peaceful by most measures and this winning of our trust has put squirrels in an excellent position to implement any plans unnoticed. A nut-based diet is very high in protein; excellent for the development of the brain. It has been suggested that the capabilities of the squirrel brain have been grossly underestimated and are much more extensive than similarly sized rodents. These squirrels spend their whole life on the campus of one of the finest learning institutions in the world, and through reading over students' shoulders, listening in on lectures from nearby tree limbs, sneaking into the computer labs after hours and other exposure, they have undoubtedly amassed an extensive amount of knowledge. Just about every green space we see houses at least one squirrel and

all members of this huge population are constantly on the go. Seemingly always hard at work, can we believe it's always nut gathering . that's going on? Not verily. Is it presumptuous to suggest that what we're actually witnessing is the transport and exchange of information hidden within these acorns, etc. in the form of microchips, nut-sized microfiche or some other highly advanced squirrel technology. These factors paint a clear image of just how effectively squirrels have been able to pull the wool over our eyes for so long. They are simply points trying to explain how ans why these small creatures could be the insidious overlords the information we collected hinted they might be. Findings from the report point to the squirrels having much more control in the day-to-day handling of affairs at McGill than was ever suspected. In fact Principal Shapiro has been seen on different occasions holding meetings outside with the not-so-cute nut-munchers. Under the guise of an innocent feeding session, passers by were probably unaware of the high pressure situation the dean was frequently in thanks to the squirrels' outrageous demands. ''This is how business is conducted" said one reporter who chooses to remain anonymous, hinting at Shapiro's position being little more than that of a puppet at the university with his strings

under the astute control of the bushytailed rodents. Many decisions made by the dean may have seemed slightly

ludicrous at the time, but if you look at them from the standpoint of his furry bosses, there certainly is a method to his madness and the ultimate goal would have the squirrels presiding over much more than simply this institution. So next time you go outside to feed or chase squirrels or put them down your pants, think twice. Maybe step back and truly study the complex workings of the squirrel consortium that is all-to-real in this reporter's mind. Though dangerous to expose the truth about something that has managed to stay a secret for so long, it is something that is too important to us here at the Faucet. If this leads to the exposure, as we are sure it will, of an entire squirrel network around the globe bent on making mankind subservient to our WOUld-be overlords, then we've done our job.

Scilo Reeks ~ l\,1ondco

Balks,

Sccc Talk about Mocking Shock 路 Montreal - Monday morning (a couple weeks ago) saw rainy, cold conditions in Pikksalu Stadium and an all-too-iII, chill wind blowing for ESL softies Mondeo. Everyone knew it would be tough for them to come out to play in front of Scilo Hocla's hometown, farfrom-fair weather fans, but add to that the miserable conditions and its no wonder they would have rather been home in bed. Always the hardcore showmen, the ex-soccer legends were out early in front of fans to dive shirtless through the puddles on the pitch, breakdance alongside the Ho-Cla dancers and partake in some pre-game boat racing against fans because even when drunk,

they still are that good. Anticipation was literally oozing out of people as the beloved Hocla prepared to take on the the cocky, rude and generally disliked Mondeo. Mondeo started out early with their their trademark whining, this time about the supposed non-existent officiating. Scilo laughed at the pathetiC display and in typical Kool Moe Dee fashion, they went to work. Much props to captain Omeros Rashid for keeping his cool and remaining diplomatic in the face of quite rude treatment from the Mondeo captain, known only as Chump. The game was uncharacteristically short, and when the mud had finally settled the international soccer play-

boys known as Scilo found themselves on the winning end of a 2-0 result. This surprisingly easy defeat of the leagueleading scorers prompted many fans to state "it was like [Mondeo] wasn't even there!;' Hey Mondeo! Why don't you stop pestering Omer now. You'll just have to wait until playoffs for another crack at the number one ESL team ...... in fans' hearts.

Editorial':Traditional McGill-style approach to resolving conflicts I !Jhe !J1(c9i/J:Jacully oj!Jl(anagemenl PIYJud/y Presenls ac'5pecialBeclure never used to really care when those referendums were held each spring in attempt to cut funding to the McGill Daily. A lot of people obviously don't like to see their money funding a paper full of optometrist ads, depressing IDticles and two-bit activism, a paper that for the most part sits idly by in every lobby unless it has Subway coupons in it. Mind you, the tall stacks do make it easier to pick one up instead of bending over all the way to the ground. At the Faucet, we see these as legitimate concerns, as in, the Daily sucks. But, in light of recent occurrences, we have realised that the way people try to shut down the Daily is wrong. It's the same thing as the Chris Carter/Blood Drive situation: sure, he's sort of a moron (Mirror Militant of the Month my ass), but there were people printing up impeachment flyers faster than Llew Bardecki doffs clothing for a pitcher. So what? The point is they were doing this even before they talked to our jowly student leaOer. When people get mad at the Daily, do they go to the weekly meetings to try and make themselves heard? No, they run off a thousand petition forms and have a referendum question. This is McGill-style political action. What does this' have to do with the Faucet? Naturally, a paper such as ours will receive mixed reviews; the nature of our material decrees that some people won't like what we say. As is, we expect, the case with any newspaper. The item in question is our Rohypnol ad - which admittedly is not altogether

a very. sensitive piece. However, we aren't a sensitive paper, and in our opinion, it addressed the issue in a way which by no means promoted or endorsed sexual assault. Moreover, we were under the impression that insensitivity was not yet grounds for censorship. The Sexual Assault 'Center evidently found it more disagreeable than most people. But, we're still not sure why, because they never contacted us, so instead we heard of some frightening 'letter' going to the Dean of Engineering. Of course, we regret it if we caused any grief to anybody, but we always thought part of living in a 'democratic' society meant free speech. Furthermore, we thought that this "free speech" thing meant that if people disagreed with something we did, they would tell us, and not engage in some secretive bullying campaign. Here at McGill, a disagreement usually means launching an all out attack with intent to kill, with a zeal only matched by militant religious sects. We think this sucks - and we will not be part of it. For future reference, and just to make our policy absolutely clear, here it is: We print what we feel is fit to print - but we're not always right. If an objection is not brought directly to us by the objector, we cannot respond. Until we receive all details and can discuss the issue, we do not feel that any response on our part is justified - no matter who the rumoured objector may be.

"Jacob

confused, we can wake them up from their bureaucracy imposed sleep and bring them to a higher state of being. This is simply because the more confticting signals you receive in your life, the more your mind opens to illumination. Fnord. "Ye have locked yerselves in cages of fear; and behold do ye now complain that ye lack freedom" Lord Omar Rav~nhurst, Illuminated Prophet For more information on consult the website of the and Anarchistic Initiates Bacchanalian Order www.ee.mcgill.ca/-robj

all this shit, Renegades of the New at http://

Dear Fawcett: Admiral Eugene H. Rothschild This is to inform you that spelling career with three r's on the Career Days Information Booklet (CaRReer Days) was a totally intentional action, not a stupid typ,o as you seemed to have implied in your previous issue (Stuff that Sucks). What was the point? It was all part of a huge anarchist conspiracy called Operation Mind-Fuck, devised by the members of the Legionnaires of Dynamic Discord (a disorganization that wants to bring more chaos to our modern society). The whole point of Operation MF is toconfuse people out of their wits with some strategically placed inconsistencies (such as the CaRReer thingie). Fnord. Other projects involve changing the name of Metallic Phallic to Metallic Encephallic and adding Bigfoot to the official Greenpeace list of endangered species. . Fnord. We believe that by making people more

LIFE ON MARS? Probably Not, But Just Mentioning It With Some Scientific "Data" Got Me $1,000,000,000 for my Space Agency The use of a bit of sensationalization can ma1e the diversion of national funds from where they are truly needed to your own organization quite easy and free of public outcry. An essential lecture for any aspiring public officials and government representatives.

MadHatter's Library Thursday, November 7 7:00 pm (Happy Hour)

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Letters you wrote us Hey man, your newspaper is super great! I really like the way you make vicious fun of real people by name, often for no good reason. Nothing like an invigorating dose of blatant fun-loving libel! Now, I thought engineers were an illiterate and uncreative lot whose sense of humor centered around being drunk and making rude gestures at women from a safe distance. So why is your paper so much more daring and fun to read than those lifeless artshead rags, the Dribblune and the Staley? Beats me but keep up the good work! My warmest personal regards,

Daniel S. Goldin Head Administrator of NASA

High Priest of the Renegades and Anarchistic Initiates of the New Bacchanalian Order(RAINBO); Supreme Knight of the Order of the Great Astral Dipper; Archpriest of the Gouda Region, Virtual Order of Interstellar Discordia (VOID), Earth Division; Adept of WARP (Walk the Alternate Reality Path), VOID, Earth Division; Pope of the 23rd Erisians of Mu; Grand Bison Cuit des Territoires du Fnord-Ouest (TOFU); P.S.> This letter is not to be published, for it would kill the purpose of Operation Mind-Fuck. Then again, it might, on the contrary, serve our purpose even more. Fnord An open letter from the lawyers of Chris Carter. Dear Faucet readers, we, at the legal

If foaming at the mouth begins while reading Faucet, put down immediately and consuh your family doctor.

firm of Cobra,Baroness and Destro are dismayed at your constant attacks on our client, CHRIS CARTER. Fools, you have underestimated the powel'of the forces of evil. You haven't the slightest idea of what your meddling in. Since you are all gonna die in tragic accidents, we feel it is safe to enlighten you to our plans, so you get an indication of the big picture. We tell you that Chris Carter is just one of our pawns, a peon who had problems dealing with the bigger aspects of our plans. The real role of the Red Cross is to collect valuable DNA so that Dr. Minbender can create a new race of ultra-buttkicking soldiers for our militia armies south of the border. So if you value your post-pubescent lives, you will publish a retraction, in which CHRIS CARTER's name appears in bold capital letters five times in 'every line. Also included below is a list of approved people/things tohate for upcoming issues of the Faucet, the only bitchin' paper at Mcgill: - communists and their left wing shock troops, the NDP and hippies - seperatists - Heavy government funding of the G.\. Joes - new Star Wars movies are only coming Ol:lt in 3 years. like, we want them yesterday - Actress(!) Tori Spelling: " like i. got a boob job. like they're huge now" - Baywatch Nights: how are they supposed to jog in slow motion in the dark? - Complain to no end about tuition hikes and Pepsi. Lead engineers into the streets. Stop tanks on Sherbrooke. Become an activist faculty. Imagine the parties in Bouchard's offices. - The decreasing number of classes you can copy assignments in. - Metallic Encephallic? not quite so phallic. Suggest new names like Dynamic RAM, the Kamasutra's,

50-yard Bombs and Thongs, Reeses' Penisus .. - Engineers have to work(!) for their dip/omas. Dear Editors, I'm writing a short response to your recent interview, because my car is getting repaired. Too bad mechanicals aren't mechanics, but with my budget cuts, they might soon be ... Yes, there will be tuition hikes and budget cuts, but the good news is that my salary is increasing by 10% next year. With more money, I'll be better able to implement the cuts, and have enough left 'over to buy a vacant anglo home in Westmount. Your beloved principal, Bernie.

Hi, My name is Pascal Doucet and I'm a student in Engineering in Sherbrooke. I'm a member of the Sagace Team (paper in Engineering here). For the first time in my life today, I got the chance to read your paper. One comment: "Hilarant!" (I don't know how to tell this word in English). I really liked the articles about the Cabbage Patch Kids and the pub on the New Air Tractor. Don't worry, your Faucet didn't kill me, but I must tell you the truth, he tried to pull me in another dimension! Hope, I will get the chance to play with my life another time by reading the Faucet. What a great challenge! If you have any comments about our "news"paper, let me know. Thank you for sending us this issue! Pascal Doucet

It likes 37 bowts of Keltag's Com Flakes to equal the amount of fibre there is in one Plumbers' Faucet.

Plumbers' Faucet Volume 13 Number 5 November 8, 1996

Around the Campus: The last two weeks at McGill! By Daryl Butts

Sports! Redmen Football: The Redmen have turned a dismal season into a mildly exciting post-season. After barely squeaking into the playoffs the Redmen came up against the heavily favoured Queen's Golden Gaels. Shawn Linden made up for a pathetic performance in the regular season by scoring two lucky touchdowns (Thanks Ref! Wink, wink.). Pull up those socks Redmen!

Redmen Hockey: McG's hockey squad has been stellar this season. They crushed Queen's a few weeks ago 14-0 but split last weekends road trip to Ontario. The top two national point leaders are both redman and the Goalie ranks thirdl Kudos to the BoG, tuition and donation dollars well spent! Soccer: Martlets lost and don't advance to nationals, Redmen won and do advance to the fir:Jals. I won't get any more detailed than that because nobody cares about the stupid third world sport anyway. Frisbee: Still waiting for "team" status (Good luck! Frisbee? Ha!), the McGill Ultimate Team sent representative Jay Fothergill and his delegates to Queen's university for the school's annual tourney. Cheers to them, they "won" the party on Saturday night. This makes quite a case for funding these athletes.

MDT: The McGill Drinking Team put up a strong fight at the Queen's party. Unfortunately they weren't well rested coming off a huge trouncing of the Loyalist College Swillers in Belleville. Mike Pritcett vomited all over team captain Emmet Poon after chugging a 1 litre bottle of Si Si Si early on in the evening,

resulting in a huge penalty. Prichett specialises in the wine chug but was slowed by his overzealousnicity in the warm ups where he consumed fifteen beers. Rob Zsigo was last overall to "break the seal" and is tied for the league lead with Barry Worth of U of T. MDT will be back in action this Friday against cross town rivals Concordia at the "Shrine Chug." The Shriners will be out in full force to help Montreal University students get shitfaced. After pressure from a radical faction of students denouncing competitive alcohol consumption headed by SSMU president Chris Carter the athletic council considered revoking team status for the MDT. The team will continue to operate because 12% of the 200 million of the McGill 20th century funds donated by alumni was specifically intended for the drinking team.

ing their annual November tourney with preliminary action starting on the 10th to be followed by playoffs on the 17"'. Hopefully a minimum of interpersonal interaction will occur. Confirm your player status, colours and network affiliation by Monday. The final will be followed by a Brothers of Quake reunion party - those in full costume get 150 free armour points and 200 rounds of super nail gun ammo. Learn game tips from some of the best twelve year aids on the circuit.

Clubs!

Young Reformers: Young reform

CFMFC: At the general meeting, a proposal to change the club name to "Destroy All Monsters Now! (DAMN!)" was interrupted by a sudden attack by Mothra, who burst through the ceiling spewing rays of hot toxic death. Some greeted this incident as a relief from the "EUS council"-type bickering that has begun to plague CFMFC meetings; prior to Mothra's entrance, it was suggested that the name be amended to "Destroy All Monsters Now, Except Kong Because He Was Just a Big Friendly Ape". Despite a barrage of anti-monster laser (designed by the McGill Mechanical Engineering Department), Mothra escaped somewhere into La Cite. McGill Students for Literacy: Their last meeting was also interrupted, once

Published by Funk Sal Yuk McGUI University Iron Ring Room. MacDonald Engineerln,fBUllding 817 Sherbrooke Street West Montreal, PO. " H3A2K8 TeI:398-4396

Fax:398-5004

2000 copies distributed free across the McGm Campus ..

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Arts and Crafts Editor:

Doom: The McGill Doom club is hold-

party members of McGill hold their open house session Sunday nights at 6:00 in the Shatner basement. Come learn how to whine about how those in power always make fun of us. New but limited NRA membership applications will be available for new members and sign the national petition for "the right to use firearms" which hits Montreal this weekend. How to best disguise racist. sexist and/or homophobic agendas will be discussed. Also, Preston Manning haircuts will be given to the first ten new members. See you there!

Friends of Squirrels: Friends of squirrels of McGill unite! We will be going on a nature walk through Mount Royal Tuesday at noon. Bring your nuts! '

News! Dental Plan: The votes were cast Nov. 5th,6th and 7th. Unfortunately only 21.3% of students care at all that the radical politicians in the Shatner building are maliciously screwing with their lives. New B.A.: That's right, the new arts degree was passed this past week thanks to the [anticipated] apathetic attitude of most arts students attending McGill. Not only did five people show up to the open forum/question period held, but only three of them voted in the actual referendum. The narrow 2-1 victory -is being hailed as a great turning point in the evolution of McGill arts and just the thing needed to keep us competitive well into the next century. As you all know competitiveness is the first priority of any University.

Robosaurus Rampage: The world's largest, car-crushing, fire-breathing entertainment robot is coming to McGill for a one-time extravaganza on lower campus. Bring out any old vehicles, furniture or enemies and maybe be lucky enough to have them torn apart and set aflame by this mechanized terror driven by Helena Meyers. The arrival of the hero of many an airshow i& set to coin,cide-with the unveiling of McGill Security's new heavily-armed monster truck, Baby Smotherer. To hell with Trackers! William Shatner Visits McGill: Last thursday William Shatner, star of Star Trek in the sixties and T.J. Hooker in the eighties, adressed a packed house in Leacock 132. The ageing star talked about his miserable years in McGill management as the reason he refuses to acknowledge his Canadian citizenship. He also told amusing anecdotes about Spack's ears, falling off, and his torrid love affair with heroin from 1982 to 1989.

The rest of Canada already got ataste, .. but is the World ready for....

Plumbers' Faucet Publication Date: November 8, 1996 Vol 13(1) Part 5: The New Beginning

Circulation:

again, by their sworn enemies, the McGill Students for Reading Am Bad. Small children were initially dismayed by the sudden end to Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, but their dismay turned to terror as lead-pipe toting Non-Readers began bashing literacy skulls.

Sean McKenna

, LatifJi~J)~f Lama. Vlshna. Toby,Henderson, Steve Antunuccl. jennifer Crosby, Francine Abgratt.OO1. Derrick Tong. Luke B;. God

"Contributors" Legal Jargon:

Articles or letters to the Editors can be submltted 00'diskette into the Fau6et Box in the EUS office. ' Letters in English. Hungarian, Swazi and French are accepted from any SPW'C8. but will be rejected should they 'contain any ·racist. sexist. or homoptlob1c views. The Editors reserve the right to correct, change or withhold the pu~tion Of any submission. All submiSsions must contain the author's name and phOne number•• Anonymity may be requested. The articles found in this publication do not necessarily represent the views of McGill University, the Engineering Undergraduate Society or ·the Faculty of Engineering of McGill.. All articles of a seemingly offensive nature are intended to be humourous; Please contact us with any comments. Please contact us with any comments. We encourage feedback and participation. Any resemblance, between advertisements placed by us in jest and real advertisements Is purely coincidental.

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Your help is needed: help prevent Geek Syndrome Last Thursday, there was a brief power shutdown of all the computers in the Electrical/Computer Engineering Undergraduate lab, room 502. Known also as the Body Odour Annex or the Gallery of Geeks, 502 is usually full of red eyed hackers 24 hours a day. All kidding aside, however, this shutdown was a rare occasion, as these computers are generally operational constantly. And sadly, the unfortunate results of allowing unlimited computer access to geeks has now been exposed. When Robert Anderson, one of the lab TA's, walked out of his office to make sure the shutdown had worked, he discovered one student under a computer desk shuddering violently, clad only in a Microsoft T-shirt and a pair of GWG scrubbies. Anderson, having been trained for just such an incident, began checking for the signs: in the student's pockets he discovered hundreds of Jos Louis wrappers. Opening his backpack, he found over 500 crushed Coke cans. Recogni~ing the problem, Rob went

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into action. He rebooted the student's'..- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - computer, causing the student to relax as the sickly glow of the CRT bathed his face. It was quickly determined that the student in question did not know his real name - he was only aware of his login code, NRD4LYF. After much investigation, it was determined that NRD4LYF had been logged in for over 2 years, and had only left the lab to use the washroom during this time (he ran out of Ziploc bags for well, you know, four months into his retreat). He had survived exclusively on prepackaged food cake treats and cola, and his leg muscles had atrophied from lack of use. His fingers, however, were very well developed, as was proven when he _________________________ h~d~emo~e~a~~hg~~m~i~L'~

tried to remove him from the lab. Anyone wishing to help is invited to show up in the McConnell lobby this Friday, where volunteers hope someone will recognize this person and remember his name and where he lives. As well, all students should be alert for signs of other computer geeks losing all desire to be a part of society. Geek Syndrome, as it is known, affects Electrical and Computer Engineers almost exclusively. The early warning signs

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What is poutine made out of? At first it seems like potatoes, cheese curds and gravy. Fact of the matter is, it's neither of these. Poutine is an atom that has unofficially been recognised by the International Society of Chemistry. It's atomic weight is 573amu. It is the most dense element thus far discovered on the planet and has effects on the earth's gravitational pull. If you

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When and where was poutine discovered? French fur traders (coureurs de bois) discovered poutine along the south shore of Baie James in 1722, coincidently the same time the fur trade began to fade. Even since, mining companies have been excavating poutine from the Quebec section of the Can~dian Shield ..

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include: - contact only through e-mail - complete knowledge of Star Trek Deep Space Nine trivia - sit in front three rows of class and frequently correct prof - sit in front three rows of class and frequently propose alternate approaches to profs - very bad body odour

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heart disease, stomach cancer, don't believe us, we dare you to try. Lie down on the ground underneath a table emphasyma, and fat people. This and place a poutine on the table. If your drives health care costs through the roof. In an ideal province without cigaweight is right and the volume of poutine on the ball, you will experience virtual rettes, Boreal and poutine, Quebecers weightlessness. ' WOUld no longer require Federal Transfer Payments and tuition would What does poutine do to my insides? be free. If you've had a poutine since 1986, there is a 68% chance that it is still in your Should I e~t poutine? Despite the system . Poutine, much like gum and red claims of the Poutine Health Action meat, doesn't digest. Researchers in bio- .Team (PHAT), we recommend you not chemistry are currently working on an eat poutine. If you do not fear death, artificial enzyme that will help the sysif your life (or province) isn't really tem better handle the stresses induced by the poutine atom. What are the societal effects of a poutine consuming population? Poutine causes unknown numbers of

going anywhere, or if you have mutant healing powers, poutine shouldn't set you back too far. If poutine should not be consumed, are there alternative uses f o r poutine? The War of 1812 was won by getting the American forces addicted to poutine, making them imobile, complacent, and bloated. The Russian army's bullet proof vests are lined with poutine. Poutine is also an excellent material for insulation in seasonal cottages and is great kindling for fires in the wilderness.

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An easy test to determine jf your Electrical Engineering friend is in trouble involves saying these words: "Hey man, can I buy you a beer at Blues Pub?" A Geek Syndrome sufferer will back slowly away and try to escape into an elevator. More advanced methods include leaving an oscilloscope on in the same room as them. If they are a geek, they will inevitably turn it off and say "Careful, that might burn the screen".

pouti1e available this week at McConnell Engineering Cafeteria

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n July of 1995, we at the Saturn company invited all new Saturn owners for get together to show them we weren't like those other car companys. People from coast to coast gathered their families and drove to our site in Nevada - all in their new Satrun vehicles. When the last of the invitees arrived we all sat down for a big feast, movies, games and lots of laughs. Memories were made that would last a lifetime. When it came time to leave, we threw everyone into a giant pit of hot acid, and watched them try to fight their way out. Then we resold their cars.

Saturn, a different kind of car company.

This edHIon of the Faucet is phat'",,,,,,. (EditOf's reserve the right to define pilat any which way they ptease.)

The Faucet is one of t~ law pOOIIcations in the world that SlHt thinks the plane1 is ltat.

Plumbers' Faucet Volume 13 Numb.er 5 November 8, 1996

rfhc Fruit aril Vcgctat,lc IJot,t,)l,: Your tC(l)'~ ,s \\rorst nightrl1arC For years, North Americans have been stuffing their proverbial faces with such foods as broccoli, eggplant, carrots, and potatoes, in the belief that these foods are part of a healthy diet. Recently, though, shocking revelations about these supposed "nutritious" items have begun to surface. Like the NRA and the Tobacco Lobby in the United States (and to a lesser extent, the Reform Party and Heroin lobby in Canada), the Fruit and Vegetable Lobby spends millions of dollars per year purchasing members of Parliament, Senators, Congressmen and their staff members. An evening with a high class call girl or a new Corvette might be a" it takes for a voting member of government to turn a blind eye to the terrible danger guns, cigarettes, and fruit pose to the ever weakening fabric of society. FACT: 3 million Canadians die annually due to vegetable related diseases like heart disease, AIDS, cancer, and suicide. FACT: The Fruit and Vegetable Growers of Canada fFVGC) are responsible for rainforest destruction in South America, Greenland, and Labrador. Every year, vegetable growers harvest the crops and then plow the helpless plant into the ground, a move equivalent to chopping down a 6000 year old redwood. FACT: The FVGC pours millions of dollars into studies of the adverse effects of foods like red meat, alcohol and styrofaom, but rarely turn the scope of their scrutiny upon themselves. FACT: Thousands of acres of natural ecosystem are slashed and burned each day to make way for crops. Third world farmers are enslaved and worked to death in work camps ,by evil military regimes, supported by the untaxed profits of multinational fruit and vegetable growers. FACT: A" plants grow from seeds. These highly unstable units react violently with water and ordinary soils found a" over the world. If left unchecked they can grow wildly and reproduce without human help, unlike cows and sheep. Tobacco lobbyists have been in the limelight for years with their incredible grasp over the decisions our elected officials

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make. One need only consider the paradox of our health ministry spending millions on anti-smoking propaganda, while another governmental branch slashes taxes on the price of cigarettes because of the money lost to smuggling, to see how powerlul the Tobacco lobby is. "We put a lot of money into keeping our interests healthy," said one high ranking Tobacco official who wished to remain anonymous. "We", our financial interests anyway. I mean, smoking kills people so we sure don't keep our consumer interests healthy. Now look at F and V - the propaganda you hear about the health risks of meat and its dangerous production practices is fabricated from circumstantial evidence, courtesy of the F and V labs. But a" the deadly secrets they know about their products remains buried beneath posters of scantily clad women with big melons. Tabacco companies can show women with phalliC objects in their mouth and that works we". But F and G can get a way better response from a woman taking a big juicy bite of an apple. And bananas! I won't even go there. F and V makes the rules about what's healthy and what isn't... so how can we compete?" The official continued to point out other shocking facts never reported by any media source: "There are several studies which indicate that if you do not eat fruits and vegetables, you wi" die. Anyone wi" ·agree here that this sounds a lot like an addictive substance. Lethally addictive, if you think about it. Take scurvy for instance, the artificially high nutrient levels in your boay drop when you stop eating fruit, this results in classic withdrawl symptoms, leading inevitably to death. Do we want our children eating foods that wi" kill them should they try to stop them from eating them?" The Canada Food Guide lies at the heart of the conspiracy. Since its inception, more fruits and vegetables sneak on to the recommended daily servings list with each subsequent edition. The yearly increments are so sma" so that the untrained eye would not even be aware of subtle changes. However, over a period of years, the amount of "recommended" fruit and

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vegetables can increase dramatically. "They even have their own category now," says one victim, Alberta Beef Farmer Chris Lerbeck. "Back in 1970, there were only three food groups: Meat, Grains, and Dairy. Fruits were either put in the Grains 'Or Dairy category, depending on who yQ.u talked to. But, one year, everyone started talking about four food groups, like it had always been that way. And of course, as recommended fruit servings have gone up, meat servings have gone down." The criminal reaches of the F and V Lobby stretch far and wide. Responsi-

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ble tobacco producers who have tried to expose the sinister goings-on have been slapped with lawsuits in the United States, fuelled by ''facts'' and "research" associating cigarettes with cancer. Not suprisingly, a" of the claimants against the tobacco producers had been seen openly eating fruit on several occasions. The reign of terror continues, as hundreds of tobacco supporters, or "smokers" as they are known, mysteriously die and billions of people a" around the globe consume deadly fruits and vegetables, brainwashed against the health risks.

........................... MESEP (McGill En~neering Summer Employment Program)

The MESEP Office opens November B(Room 340, McConnell Engineering). • Graduating Students: Rewster on The National Graduate Register (this is the Internet employment Network). For pamphlets and more info, drop by the office. • Registration forms are available for the Federal Student Work EXperience Program (FSWEP). There is no deadline for the general inventory· applications may be submitted November onwards. Drop by fue office to pick up aform.

-UO)/S

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The season wound down this week with several big games being played. Division A featured the major surprise of the year: Free Radicals beat Rotational Stiffness 14-6!! Guy Delauniere struck for the first touchdown but Rotational came back to close the gap to 7-6. Late in the game Rotational drove the length of the field but made an interesting decision to gamble on third instead of going for the go ahead field goal. They Jailed in their attempt and Free Rads made them pay the price as Paul Theberge streaked down the sideline for a TO. Rotational made a valiant attempt with five plays left featuring a 50 yard run by Zigzag but fell short. Free Rads won the dIvision with the victory. Stiffness got their act together and dominated the Dogs of War 17-6 'to finish second while the Dogs ended up in third. All three teams are expected to be serious contenders in the playoffs. The next three Division A playoff spots are still undecided. However Standard Penetration had a fine week with a couple wins already. A win in their last game will give them fourth place. A well balanced offence led by the powerful blocks of Dan Moreau has surprised people as Standard Pen has abandoned their traditional flair for 1-0 games. The fifth place spot should belong to Flying Butts who have had an inconsistent but great season and could be a surprise team in the playoffs. They've been led in scoring by Rich Del Bianco. The final spot is still in doubt, but the word right now is that Screw & Bolt will have it. All-star Danny Rioux is determined to carry his team to the playoffs and beyond. The other two playoff contenders are Big Vectors and Wrecking Balls, both

playoffs

of whom came on strong after slow starts but will probably fall just short. 12" Coaxial improved over the season and should be in the playoffs next year. Among the U1 teams the U1 Mechs are tops so far as the Beer Mugs and Skin Friction didn't get any points on non-U1 teams. The playoff teams of Division B are set, but the rank that's been decided is still up in the air. The Goons claimed first place overall with a last second win over Metallic Phlagmissersonthelastplay. It

was, (in my mind at least), the most exciting game this season (although the battle between Wrecking Balls and Screw & Bolt comes close). MP jumped out to a 10-0 lead in the first half and then played conservatively on offence and tried to hold on. The defence held for most of the half butt he size of the Goons front line finally prevailed for a touchdown to make it 10-7. After Metallic Phantastics decided to give up a strategic safety, Goons had two plays after a kickoff to comeback. A good return brought them to midfield and after an incompletion on first Dom bombed it to exBig 0, ex ELP, ex who knows what team

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Welcome to the mud bowl!! When it rains, it pours! We're now into the final week of regular season and CRAMMING the games in. Unfortunately, there aren't many slots available (7:30 AM weekdays or next Saturday) but you should really try to play them because it's a forfeit for both teams if you don't (we gave you the warning!!!). Anyhow, enough about that... Beginning with the leading team, Radical Foundations has been dominating on offence as well as on defence (Still NO points against!). They demolished Virgin Compaction 44-0 and hold the title for the highest points for. Allyson Doyle leads the team with 10 TDs followed closely by Dominique Brauh with 8 TDs. Once again, their powerful running game will ensure them a good playoff spot. A Tuff game ahead against Killer Resistors could be a potential playoff showdown (game agst. Kill. on Friday @ 12:30, show your support!). Danny Grant'sTM Killer Resistors continue to surprise the league with their success, beating teams like the Thunderbolts and tying Crimson Tide. Annie Michel (finally got the name right) leads the team ana league with 14 TDs but just about

~1(~n PI~(~P fOI~ next year Seb Marcoux. He made a great catch on about the ten but it appeared as though he would fall short until he made a heads up play and lateraled to Dennis Kim who trotted in for the winning TO. Metallic encePhallic will play DC on Saturday. DC got crushed by the Goons last Saturday so both teams are 8-1 with this game deciding 2nd and 3rd place. We'll see what tricks Brown has up his sleeve for the game. The next three spots belong to Mother Liquors, Errodick Summations and

Shaftwork. . Errodick Summs beat ML 6-0 and a win against Shaftwork in the final game will give them fourth place. That would leave ML fifth and Shaftwork sixth. If Shaftwork wins, ML will get four-th followed by Shaftwork and Errodick Summs sixth. After suffering the loss of their oB compounded to the fact that their line is mostly injured, ML's playoff chances have diminished. Shaftwork has a solid defence but there's only so many times you can run the option on offence. Errodick Summs have a lot of potential but have been very inconsistent so far this season so we'll have to see what team shows up in the

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everybody on their offence has the ability to score. Julie Truong and Anita Bbat have contributed their fair share to the 'points for' column. Crimson Tide squared off against the Jaw Crushers (albeit a little drunk! hungover) and conquered with a big 1-

both BMA and Flying Butts. The team has been alternating oBs without much success .. they're still looking and doing the rounds (Patricia??). The defense, led by Tara (Beast) Dichmann and Adi (Biatch) Wang, stirred things uplwith the Flying Butts.

owin. (Men's team Standard Penetration is in the middle of a law suit claiming that they have official copyright for 1-0 games.) The battle for field position was finally won at the end of the second half by a Sandy' Birrell rouge. After defeating the Thunderbolts 7-0

The Thunderbolts did "ot see much action last week but, as ejpected, they beat Virgin Compaction with ease (25-0). It will be interesting to see what happens when they face the Jaw Crushers this week. They are currently in fifth place with only three games left to help -them

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playoffs. None of the other teams in division B really contended for a playoff spot. Both returning teams, Balls of Steel and Brass Nuts, h~d disappointing seasons. Brass Nuts failed to score a point until their last game, a 14-6 loss to Bloody Marys. They're a lock for the Kelvin Cup. Balls of Steel had many close games, but unfortunately lost every won of them and only managed to beat first year teams (and Brass Nuts) Jean Roy was a solid oB, while Steve Keller and Kleigh Heather gave him some pass options, and the line was also decent, but a lack of cohesiveness between the team resulted in a struggle to provide offence. Bloody Marys were the best first year team in the entire league. They managed to put some points on the board and should be a threat in upcoming seasons. Surge and Mud Guards were most disappointing because of their repeated defaults. A very poor effort by both teams, unfortunately. Playoff Predictions? Sure, why not. I don't know the pairings yet so this might not be physically possible, but I expect DC (I think MP will win Saturday) Dogs of War, Standard Pen and Errodick Summs to win in the first round (okay, no big upsets, but if there is one it will be Flying Butts). In the next round Goons and Rotational will breeze through the quarters while Free Rads might be surprised by Errodick Summs or the Butts. The feature game will be a battle between long-time rivals (so the路 Dogs would leave you believe) Metallic Phalanx and the Dogs of War. It's a tough call but I'll have to go with my team. Here come the tough predictions; Rotational over Goons and MP over Free Rads. The final? 'Regre1fably I have to say that I favour Rotational to repeat. Any complaints by teams I predicted to lose too early? Prove me wrong, I'm hoping I prove myself wrong if we make the final!!

c~arnpus move up in the rankings. Sorry Agnes, but your naked bootleg didn't make it on to the video so you'll just have to do it again! Right below the Thunderbolts we find Choked Flow with an impressive 6-2 record. They will try and better this when they meet the Thunderbolts this week. With their mix of speed and a forceful line headed up by Charlotte Desourdy and Rachel Carlyle, they could very well score another upset. The Flying Butts have improved a lot these past few weeks playing strong games against the Thunderbolts and the Jaw Crushers. They have a really strong bull rush and manage to gain a lot of first downs off of their dives. They play Crimson Tide later on this week; a tough match-Up to end off their regular season. The return of some long lost players to the Crucibles has boosted this team's roster up to (count 'em) nine players. And what wonderful players they are, at least in spirit. Isabelle Colpin made her scoring debut against BMA, a game which the Crucibles won 7-6. Later games against RF and KR were not as favourable for the team but hard-fought nonetheless. The Crucibles look forward to ending their season with games against Virgin Compaction and Multiple Organisms. Oh yeah. Who needs coaches anyway? (see, Women on pg. 7)

One issue of the Faucet supplies 23% of the daily recommended Intake of humour and 27% if consumed with a 250mL serving of milk.

Plumbers' Faucet Volume 13 Number 5 November 8, 1996

I-Waak DDlDp:atitiDD

WANTED

~tA\."nRA Good 99MU Rep Hare". whet wa want you to do••• As a SSMU Rep _ discuss and vote on Important issues for the McGill student body - represent the views of engineering to the rest of McGill _ shape the future of this school with a student's point of view

As an Engineering rep _ constant!}' defend our bad humor - dog Mark Feldman for keeeping his promises _ get Chatel and lohn to loin Don at Blues Pub and leek SSMU secrets - have Chris Carter make an episode of X-Ales about the EUS and the Faucet - sit on a C.O.C. (ask Age)

FOR AN APPLICATION FORM , COME TO THE

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OFFICE RM. 278.

ASK FOR LATIF OR ADRIENNE FOR MORE INFO.

Application deadline Is Frl, No\,. 15 @ 5:00 pm.

Helping a Good Cause By Derek Tong All right... So you missed the deadline to act, sing, or dance in the Variety Show. Maybe you didn't come to the meeting because you didn't have enough time. Too many midterms and too little time. Hey, we understand. We're students just like you. So you've decided to make it up by donating money to the Variety Show and going to THE entertainment extravaganza of the school year. You feel like kicking Management's collective butts for yet another year. So how can you make the Variety Show the best ever? The answer's in this article. Actually, you've already read it. All Variety Show performers will be passing pledge sheets around, collecting change for the Children's Wish Foundation. They grant wishes to terminally ill children across Canada. How do you donate? Keep a lookout for people in your classes passing around pledge forms. They won't hesitate to make fools of themselves; they're performing in the Variety Show!

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~1uddy

continued from page 6 Big Mech Attack, after a string of narrow losses, showed up for a 7:30 game against Aging Waste hungry for a win. And win they did, beating out the veteran chern team 8-0. Odds are in their -favour when they play VC later this week, but they have one tough match left against KR. Aging Waste beat the Multiple Organisms 9-0 with Melanie Leroux and Marilou Labreche scoring for the team. These girls have changed their games so many times we don't know exactly when they are playing next, but they will be meeting Choked Flow in a chern vs. chern showdown to finish things off. As for the U1 teams, great efforts continue to be put forth by Virg·in Compaction and Multiple Organisms. Unfortunately their only match up this season ended in a default which makes it hard to say who will have the upper hand when these teams inevitably meet in the knob cup. (Go chern!) That's ab~ut it for now. Make sure to check out the action on the field this week, the schedule is jam packed. (8:30 to 4:30, Monday to Friday). Captains, if your team owes any money to us, pay up or you won't be getting' your tickets to flagnite.

How else can you help out? We need people to help us out the night of the Variety Show, doing the really important, behind-thescenes war k . There's fringe benefits galore. You'll get into the Variety Show and Pubnite for FREE! And we might be able to swing a free BEvERage or two too. The sign up sheets will be outside the Common Room and in the Iron Ring Room (MD278) with Dianne. Sign up and help a great cause out! And if nothing else, come on out and support both Management and Engineering on November 16th at The Variety Show.

'Design a Logo for E-Week -include phrases "McGiII Engineering" and "Wild West E-Week 1997" -three colours can be used -put in E-Week box by Nov, 15th Don't forget to donate for the food drive '""

Is Council' A Was1e: of Time? By the council spy Okay. I must say I've been somewhat remiss in my duties as council spy so far. So here's the first article. This covers all of the council meetings up until now. There h a v e bee n sam e good momen t s v t.:J and sam e bad, but generally, I've bee n pretty impressed with the running of council. The budget meeting in particular was really impressive. Aside from Joe Diestel, VP finance, EUS explaining each item, the budget

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took all of ten minutes to be approved. Alright, enough of the positive. Lets get to the whining that always has been and always will be an integral part of council spy: As has been the case in past years, there are still a few wankers who feel the need to prolong meetings, keep us from watching 90210 and stuff because they like to hear their own voices. It's not that I believe that debate isn't important at council, but at some meetings the same point is made literally twenty times before the vote takes place. In addition, I'm absolutely certain that after the first five minutes of debate, ninety five percent of councillors have always made their minds up on how they're going to vote. So to all of you folks, please just make your point as clearly and concisely as possible and sit down. Just to balance out the bitching, I will say, on the same subject, that I'm very proud of Speaker Jeff for deciding to enforce the rule about councillors only speaking twice on the 'same subject. Anyway, future spy articles will contain more info specific to individual meetings, but there just wasn't room (and I didn't remember a lot) here.

•

Llew, Rich and Der.ek's Super Bitchin' Banquet , Article By Llew, Rich and Derek I'm feeling in kind of a minimalist mood right now. Wow!. That was a lot Of beer. People had fun. They danced to a live OJ. They listened to a string quartet. They ate thick slabs of dead cow (It was very tasty). Some people wore costumes. Speaking of which, the following people won prizes: Stephan D0utriaux, Ben Urovitch, Kristina Pikksalu, Gunther (he's kinda like Madonna and Sinbad, people know him so well that he doesn't need a last name), and Emmet Poon (he was soooo hot, I wanted to just eat him up). Emmet won the Grand prize. By the way, cheers to Molson and to Pierre Luc Bisaillon, who helped us out of a tight spot. Jeers to the people at Steve's music whe were being dicks. Thanks for coming everyone. See you next year (if you don't die of heart disease between now and then).

.::-

Plumbers' Faucet Volume 13 Number 5 November 8, 1996

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Through tabloids, news-clips or any other kind of novelty news reporting you may have heard news of the "mad cow disease" which has affected a large percentage of British beef stocks. As you ate your burgers, weiners and Sloppy Joes you may have laughed at the seemingly distant, rare disease, but any underlying concern on your part was certainly not without grounds. The first death legally linked to Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, attributed to bovine spongiform encephalopathy (commonly known as mad cow disease), was diagnosed in February. In an incredibly sad irony, the first victim was a 20 year old vegetarian in England who caught the disease from eating beef burgers as a child. Coroner Geoffrey Burt told an inquest in England that Peter Hall died of a new variant of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. I had always cited mad cow disease as yet another reason for the reduction, or elimination, of meat in one's diet, but this recent announcement gave me a whole new source of bitterness. The epidemic was first observed in sheep as scrapie, their own version of the disease. The remains of these sheep, through some act of brilliance, were fed to cattle stock in Britain because, hey, they didn't want to waste good meat. Soon after the disease manifested itself in a new, cattle-esque form and was discovered in cow populations all over Britain. This, to me, was simply another example of how animals' immune systems break down when they are taken out of

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their natural environment, put in an artificial one, domesticated, administered synthetic drugs and subjected to unnatural conditions solely directed towards their inevitable slaughter. Diseases which cows and sheeps could normally fight become epidemics capable of debilitating and killing massive populations of the animals. Once the British government found evidence of the disease measures were taken to stop distribution of the meat and presently huge numbers of the animals are being incinerated. Peter Hall, however, hadn't eaten meat for the four years prior to his death. If tainted meat had been in the markets that long, doctors estimate that hundreds of thousands of meat eaters could now be at risk from the same brain-wasting disease that killed him. Recently an elderly Montreal woman was suspected of dying from Creutzfeld-Jakob disease, but no one knew for sure because they couldn't find a hospital to perform the autopsy. They claimtd they needed special facilities to handle the dangerous biological waste, but this reporter is sure those with vested interests in keeping the meat on the shelves had a hand in trying to avoid the immense public scare that wou Id come from the discovery that she had contracted the disease from tainted beef. If indeed the death is attributed to mad cow disease, I would guess and hope that people are as scared as me, because the reaper is upon us!

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By Jean-Francois Robichaud, Movie Director. Why is ' it that movie reviews revolve solely around recent releases? Is there something wrong with the motion pictures of many years ago? Being a believer that Hollywood has lost, as movie corporations grew larger, its sense of originality and innocence (except for the occasional Pulp Fiction or Trainspotting) I have decided to review for your reading pleasure those long forgotten classics of lore. But since it would not be appropriate in a newspaper such as the Faucet to talk about Citizen Kane and Casablanca, I have settled for the more obscure side of the movies business... This is an homage to THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE and other CULT FLICKS. PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE (1956, Edward D. Wood Jr.): "UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS FROM OUTER SPACE PARALYZE THE LIVING AND RESURRECT THE DEAD!" To start this, what could be better than the worst movie of all time? (Plan 9 actually received an award to this effect at the 1980 Golden Turkey Awards.) The story is pretty straightforward: a few aliens come to Earth in their very impressive flying saucers (that look suspiciously like painted paper plates hanging from strings) in an attempt to stop Earthlings from destroying the Universe. The aliens conspire

to resurrect the dead who later show up as slow-moving zombies in a cardboard graveyard. The director, Ed Wood, was a real fanatic and his dedication to making movies was unprecedented. He had everything to become one of the most successful moviemakers of his time. Everything except talent. After such movies as Glen or Glenda ("The Strange Case of a 'Man' Who Changed His Sex!") in 1953 and Bride of the Monster in 1955, Ed Wood moved on to his most famous creation: Plan 9 from Outer Space. The star of the movie was Bela Lugosi, famous for his role in Dracula (1931, Todd Browning) and for playing in almost all American horror movies from that time until 1956. Bela's career was on the decline when he accepted to play a part in Glen or Glenda ("Bevvvare of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep! He eats little boys! Puppydog tails! Big fat snails!" said Bela in his thick Hungarian accent). He then starred in Bride of the Monster, as the mad Dr. Vornoff, a maniac trying to create a race of super-beings with the help of his dumb assistant Lobo. The latter was played by Tor Johnson, an EastEuropean Wrestler who came to America looking for a job. Even though he is the star of Plan 9 from Outer Space, Bela Lugosi only appears on-screen for less than two minutes ... simply because he died two days into shooting... Ed Wood however ·

managed to replace him with his wife's chiropractor who was at least a head taller than Bela and had to cover his face with a cape for all of his scenes. On top of that, Ed Wood seems to confuse day and night and has a weird ability to write extremely campy dialogue. The very ugly Tor Johnson also stars as a cop that will be turned into a zombie. The whole thing was done in a few days on a meagre budget and it shows.

In 1994, Tim Burton surprised the world with 'Ed Wood', a movie about the career of the worst director of all time. I strongly recommend that you view both Plan 9 and Tim Burton's Ed Wood. By being so bad, Plan 9 becomes hilarious, truly proving that it is THE BEST OF THE WORST. And as B-movie mongrel the Phantom says in his Guide, "Repeated viewing is not only recommended but essential".

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