The Groundhog Day Awareness Guide

the plumber’s

FAUCET

Vol. 47 no. 5.5 •January 30th, 2013

The Groundhog Day Awareness Guide I wonder when Phil will wake up to make his prediction?

February 3rd I would guess.

The perils of having Groundhog Day on a Saturday...

Scientific Advances in Groundhog Interpretation

by Liquid Giggles

It has long been known that the groundhog’s ability to predict weather patterns stems from an innate psychic power present in few other species. As it turns out, groundhogs can predict anything in the future, but until recently we did not have the technology to adequately translate their behavior into predictions. The Faucet Research Group in Nantucket, Massachusetts has developed software which can analyze the actions of groundhogs and correlate them to events, finally allowing us to break the groundhog enigma. Here is a guide to some of their most significant findings: The Fryer: At some point this week, one of your arts friends will get a job in fast food.

The Facepalm: Today, McGill will vote “yes” to keep the Daily non-opt-outable.

About the Guide:

For those of you unfamiliar with it, Groundhog Day is the North American tradition occurring every February 2nd when celebrity groundhogs are observed to determine how much longer winter will be (Punxsutawney Phil being the most famous of the prognosticators).

If it is cloudy when the groundhog leaves his burrow, he will not see his shadow and spring will come early. If it is sunny, he will see his shadow, retreat inside like the cowardly woodland groundrat he is, and winter weather will continue for six weeks longer.

May this rare two-page quasi-issue serve as your guide to understanding Groundhog Day, which is undeniably the most important holiday celebrated in Canada and the United States.

The Loner: You are not getting laid tonight. You might also get accepted at U of T.

The Bacchus: Blues Pub, OAP, E-Week, or Frosh will be held today.

The Jackpot: Shares in Potashcorp will drop 12% when the markets open, start rallying at 1:18, and close 132% up.

The Fool: You will fail your biology elective.

The Invasion: You are screwed. You will spend the rest of your life growing lettuce and building luxury burrows.

2 the plumber’s FAUCET

FAUC-481: The Physics of Groundhog Day

The Groundhog Day Drinking Game

by Daniel Dicaire

by Liquid Giggles

Groundhog Day is a fascinating scientific phenomenon that occurs once per year and has drastic effects on the climate of our planet. While the underlying science is yet to fully explain why a small woodland creature can dominate the weather with an iron paw for 3/26ths of the year, engineers have a proud tradition of making rough estimates based on qualitative observations and applying a multi-digit safety factor until it works. In this course we will cover the known principles of Groundhog-Field-Theorem and its applications, while physicists lie awake wondering why the hell it works.

Following this course and its follow up, FAUC-554: Advanced Rodent Dynamics, the student should be able to apply theory to the construction of a moderate doomsday-weather device (you know, the ones they protest about).

If there’s anything that is better than Groundhog Day the holiday, it’s Groundhog Day the movie. Harold Ramis’ cinematic masterpiece starring Bill Murray is one of the pinnacles of North American culture and comedy. It’s law that you must watch it every February 2nd, so the Faucet has developed a game to spice things up this year. The rules are simple:

The following description includes some background information, and lead-ins to course material which will be covered using deeper analysis.

The groundhog has a typical weight ranging from 0.6 to around 500 kg. This is far too small to affect global weather patterns. In 1973 in Punxsutawney, Philadelphia, elite research scientists bred their masterpiece, Phil. Phil was raised on a diet of neutron star matter and muscle milk, and is believed to be a grade-L singularity. His mass of seventeen billion metric tons is enough to shift the centroid of the planet Earth by twelve and a half meters when he rises from his lead-shielded lair.

The mathematics at this point assume that Phil is spherical, adiabatic, and exists in a vacuum. When Phil’s center of mass is raised above ground level, radiation from the sun is reflected onto him. Depending on the level of sunspot activity and cloud layer, the light may or may not form a visible gradient around the projection of the Phil-Sphere. The spherical radiation shape factor can then determine the flux of photons through the skin of the creature. If he has eaten enough iron, the Ferrous-PhilSphere will conduct a portion of the earth’s magnetic field and pull the Earth away from its normal elliptical orbit. The shift can be reversed when Phil reenters his Ferocious-FerrousPhil-Sphere-Fort, as his tremendous inertia lags behind the sudden pull of the earth.

Naturally, the course description listed here will not go into the application of Green’s theorem or the derivation of mammalian entropy from Murphy’s Law. Some other fields of research include construction of a Ferocious-Ferrous-FerretPhil-Sphere-Fort and a gerbil named “Dennis”. The course will not cover the theories of William Murray or time dilation.

Lectures to be held in Leacock 132 (to accommodate the expected volume), and will be led by Professor Snape.

Take a drink whenever: Phil wakes up to I Got You, Babe at 6:00 a.m.

You see Ned Ryerson and forget to shout “Bing!”

Phil asks a woman an awkward question for research Phil gets slapped by a woman Phil breaks a law (unless you’re the one who points it out) You see Punxsutawney Phil and don’t shout “Groundhog Day!”

Phil kills himself Larry hits on a woman Phil insults Punxsutawney Phil Phil shows off one of the skills he learned You hear the word “prognosticator” Phil helps someone (if you spot it, give your drink to someone else) Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature.

For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 47 no. 5.5

Wednesday, January 30th , 2013