The Halloween Hamm Issue by The Plumber's Faucet

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The Halloween Hamm Issue

VOLUME XXXIV ISSUE II October 10th, 2017

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

CONTRIBUTERS Editor-In-Chief Otman Benchekroun

Editors

Freedom Sorbara Rishni Bhandari

Writers

Alex Dombowsky Alex McOwen Ashkaan Mohtashami Bahar Pasalar Chetan Pal Singh Ashta Daniel Galef Freedom Sorbara Ismail Benchekroun Jamie Hart Jonathan McGarity-Shipley Michael Kratsios Nick Brunt Stavroula Pabst Steve Greenwoord

Illustrators

Armando Rivas Jitika Shah (Cartoons) Ké Smith (Cover) Kiana Brett Tess Van Donkelaar

Support

Malcolm McClintock

Disclaimer

The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general enquiries, contact faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints

The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@ mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@mcgilleus.ca.

LETTER FROM THE EDITOR NEVER buy the MnM’s from the vending machines on campus! A small bag of MnM’s from the vending machine costs between $2 and $2.25 (Depending on where you are). For one bag, I usually get 25 MnM’s. If you walk thirty seconds to your nearest candy slot machines, you can run 3 turns of the slot ($0.75) and get 17 MnM’s, no sweat! Aidan, a new friend of mine I met at the ECSESS student lounge, ran the numbers and let me tell you, it’s borderline criminal how hard these vending machines are ripping us off. With the slot machines, you can get 22.6 MnM’s per dollar! With the vending machines you can only get 12.5! That’s almost two times more expensive! Thanks, SSMU! Now that that’s over with, let’s get back on track... It’s October and despair is everywhere: midterms every week, assignments to do overnight, SSMU is closing, a spooky holiday is coming up and it’s bringing up vivid nightmares about my own fragile mortality, Jon Hamm is a villain in Baby Driver...but don’t you worry, you super cool McGill student! The Faucet is finally back in action and we’re here for one thing and one thing only: your comfort. Let us give you a hug. We’ve got a pretty good issue this month, filled with spook and cartoons and Jon Hamm. We hope you get a good chuckle out us. We especially hope you don’t start thinking about the difficult things in life... like that notification you just got on myCourses indicating your grade was updated, or the reason why they call it the Y-intersection when, in fact, it looks way more like a Psi-intersection, or that if SSMU had put as much effort in taking care of their clubs as they put in maintaing the secret they were closing for a year, they might be considered a respectable organization. Yeah, don’t think about those things. It’s better to just laugh and laugh and laugh until it all blows over. It’s truly all we’ve got.

Otman Benchekroun

OCT 10th, 2017

The Top 5 Ways to Have Fun on the McGill Campus Without Throwing Your Lunch at Someone in the Cybertheque and Shouting “Food Fight!” by Alex Dombowsky

illustrated by Kiana Brett

October at McGill usually means a boatload (or just a regular load if you’re not a sailing major like myself) of midterms. Stress and emotions run high during the fall here, so it’s important to take care of yourself and remember to have fun—that is, without picking up your sandwich and lobbing it at the guy sitting next to you at the Cybertheque. So, here are 5 ways for all of us to chill out this midterm season. 1. Pour your Vitamin Water on the guy—I mean check out the Redpath Museum. There are all kinds of amazing things to see in Redpath. It’s a great way to kill a few minutes between classes and mellow out. But also, you could grip a banana like a football, throwing it like a spiral, in the event that you actually start a food fight. 2. Eat your lunch on lower field. Lower field has one of the most amazing views of downtown Montreal you will ever see. The field itself is well kept, pretty, but also very large. Too large to throw grapes at people in a food fight. For a more conducive grape throwing area I would try the Cybertheque. 3. Take a walk up the mountain. Mont Royal is a great escape from school stress, and if you’re good at food fighting there will be no escape from your applesauce projectiles. Remember to hit someone with the flap facing the person in order to maximize apple sauce spillage. 4. Start a food fight in the Cybertheque. I mean—NO! 5. Take a walk down the newly renovated McTavish. The walk down McTavish used to be miserable, but new renovations have made it very pretty. The new McTavish is a refreshing break from the somewhat banal McGill buildings such as McLennan—where I once started a food fight but swore to the administration I would never do so again! Well, I hope that this helps your midterm woes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll have to get back to studying for my History of Sailing class. I’m thinking the exam will be pretty easy, as easy as starting a food fight in the Cybertheque.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

4 Easy Halloween Costumes You Can Make Using the Crap Your Summer Subletter Left in Your Apartment by Chezden Pontmercy

illustrated by Tess van Donkelaar

1. A Mummy It was somewhat considerate of your subletter to leave behind a bulk package of toilet paper, but of course they cheaped out and bought ONE PLY, which is much too rough for your delicate bottom. Instead of wasting that 24 pack of TP, you can use it to make an easy, homemade mummy costume.

2. Captain Underpants Unfortunately, your subletter left multiple pairs of dirty underwear under everywhere: your bed, your dresser, and remarkably even under your leftover spaghetti in the fridge. Don’t just throw those suckers away. Toss them in the wash and re-use them for your Captain Underpants Halloween costume. And, if your friends aren’t grossed out by the idea of wearing a stranger’s undergarments, this can function as a great group costume.

3. Chewbacca It appears that your subletter did not bother to clean your apartment for the 4 months they were livin g there. Luckily, this means that your shower ledge is littered in clumps of your subletter’s hair. Gather it up, hot glue it to your face*, and you have an easy, 10-minute Chewbacca costume. Other possible costumes include Cousin Itt from The Addams Family, Big Foot, or a reverse hairless cat.

4. Your Subletter Your subletter left behind a remarkable number of personal items: a closet full of clothes, multiple prescription medications, uncashed checks, their birth certificate. At first, this may seem concerning. But instead of worrying about your subletter’s well-being, use this to your advantage and make a unique Halloween costume. This look might require a lot of explanation at parties, but it’s almost guaranteed no one will be wearing the same getup as you**.

*The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Plumber’s Faucet. The Faucet is does not condone using hot glue anywhere on the epidermis and is not liable for any personal injuries that may occur if one chooses to hot glue human hair to their own face. ** On the off chance you do see someone else also using pictures of your subletter’s family as pasties this Hallows’ Eve, please contact the authorities immediately. Your subletter has either been kidnapped or is way too liberal with handing out personal information. Either way, the police should know.

OCT 10th, 2017

In An Alternate Universe...

by Jitika Shah

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

5 Ways Brad Pitt Is Like A Worm by Steve Greenwood

If you cut him in half, both halves of his body will function independently as new organisms. He has 5 hearts. He can be commonly be found in residential gardens. While many may think he’s gross or irritating, he’s actually a valuable, underappreciated part of our ecosystem and should be cherished. He can get kinda slimy but that’s part of his charm.

A TRANSYLVANIAN LOVE SONG by Fangdon Smith

OCT 10th, 2017

Hunter Will Be Giving You His Opinion On Feminism Now by STAV Hunter will be giving you his opinion on feminism now. That’s correct, Hunter has an opinion on feminism, and you are about to hear all about it. Which Hunter is this, you ask? We think he’s in your school’s gaming club, but that’s not important now. What’s important are his thoughts on feminism. Hopefully Hunter discussing feminism with you is okay, because there isn’t going to be any getting out of this. This is happening. It may only take five minutes, but it could also take an hour. We don’t know. All we know is that Hunter is going to tell you about his thoughts on feminism now. Good luck.

Mistaken Identity by Jitika Shah

This is Hunter. Say hi!

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

6 Essential Fall Activities for the Fun McGill Student (Drowning in Existential Angst)

by A Fun McGill Student (Drowning in Existential Angst) 4. Blues Pub 1. Tam Tams Tam Tams is one of those quintessential Montreal happenings that you have to attend every once in a while to really feel the pulse of the city. There’s no place more relaxing to be on a Sunday than at the Sir Georges-Etienne Cartier monument, lounging on the grass and enjoying the percussive hum of the improvised drumming jam sessions. Tam Tams is also about more than just the music: on the verdant green of the park lawn you can find people playing Frisbee, picnicking, and simply just taking advantage of the beautiful public space and good weather. Tam Tams, in a certain sense, is no more that a carefree celebration of culture and individuality, and nothing less than a city’s collective expression of unbridled joie-de-vivre.

2. Walk up Mount Royal This is another activity that every student at McGill has to do every now and then, if not for the exercise then for the cursory Instagram pic. Mount Royal is arguably most beautiful this time of year, with the leaves beginning to change – change which is as inevitable in nature as it is in life. The one thing that will stay the same, though, is that your friend’s photo will always get more likes than yours, even though you both posted practically the exact same thing. No hard feelings though. Maybe you need to work on your captions.

3. Visit the new MyCourses New year, new (My)courses. Our university’s most visited and least loved website received a facelift over the summer, and although there was no actual improvement to functionality, it sure looks nicer. Much like us, MyCourses has tried to substitute a superficial update for something actually meaningful; trying, and failing, to convince itself that outward change spurns the inward, rather than the other way around.

What’s better than a swelteringly warm Blues Pub in the sweaty EUS common room? Well, that’s every Blues Pub, but at least at this time of year you’re wearing appropriate clothing for the heat. Heat exhaustion, if anything, just makes the alcohol more potent.

5. Leave class at 530 while it’s still light out This is truly one of the fall semester’s great privileges, and it should be savoured while it lasts. Even to catch a glimpse of the setting sun while speed walking out of lecture at 5:25 is a gift, and a fond memory to be held close in the cold and dreary months to come. After all, the days will only get darker and darker as the semester lurches ceaselessly forward. Soon enough the morning dew will turn to frost, and that cheerful back-to-school buzz of September will turn to the miserable midterm hangover of October. Students of all ages, quietly weeping into their third coffee cups of the day, will hang their heads as the first snowflakes hit the ground in the pitch black of 4:00pm in November. But even that deep post-daylight-savings dark is nothing compared to the black chasm of the universe itself, an infinite abyss of chaos and nothingness punctuated by tiny specks of something-ness. It’s not as though those specks are imbued with any higher purpose than the emptiness that surrounds them, though; everything just goes on existing all the same. Courses end. The semester, and winter after it, will end. But the world keeps on turning and turning, suspended in a sea of darkness, drifting steadily into an uncertain future.

6. Count down the time until your next class, assignment, or due date while aimlessly reading a listicle in a satirical student publication You can probably just cross this one off the list. Nothing matters anyway.

John Ham

Jon Hamm and Ellie Kemper are sitting, calmly by Me having a discussion in a school auditorium in the ELLIE KEMPER year of 1993. Jon is great - with or without the ‘h’. The lack of ‘h’ ELLIE KEMPER actually makes it more inSo, is every John out teresting! there doomed by the JON HAMM blandness of their name? Yes, Ellie, but it’s not a What about John Wayne, real name. At least John is or F.Kennedy... Rit- a name. ter?! Or Slattery from ELLIE KEMPER that underrated show That’s not true! Some peoHomefront! ple don’t have the ‘h’. What JON HAMM about Voight? Don’t get me wrong, John JON HAMM Slattery from the un- Jon Voight? He’s a Trump derrated show Homefront supporter! is one of my favourite ELLIE KEMPER actors and I wish one He supports Donald Trump’s day to work with him for decision to open a casino in about seven years. And New Zealand in this year of of course there have been 1993? What a wacko. all these great Johns... What about Jon Stewart!? but none of this is rel- He’s fantastic! evant because I’m not JON HAMM like one of those Johns, Who’s he? Ellie... I’m just not. ELLIE KEMPER Nobody wants my John Oh right... what about LoHancock. vitz? ELLIE KEMPER JON HAMM I don’t understand. You Jon Lovitz? don’t think you’re spe- ELLIE KEMPER cial enough? Because I’m Yeah, he was on SNL before sorry that’s the stu1993! JON HAMM JON HAMM I MEAN I DON’T HAVE THE I guess he’s funny. ‘H’, ELLIE! ELLIE KEMPER ...I don’t have the ‘H’. Hmmmm... ELLIE KEMPER (lights up) ... you’re an ‘H’-less Jon. Bon. Jovi. John? JON HAMM JON HAMM Good effort, but he’s with I’m an ‘H’-less John. ‘h’. ELLIE KEMPER ELLIE KEMPER No. Jon Bon Jovi is not with an JON HAMM ‘h’! He’s definitely ‘h’No? less!

OCT 10th, 2017

JON HAMM Hey, his ex-girlfriend may have given love a bad name but his parents sure gave him an okay one... John Francis Bongiovi Jr. is with ‘h’. Capital “H”. ELLIE KEMPER Well there’s you. You’ll be the first and you’ll be the best of all ‘h’-less Johns. JON HAMM I’m flattered... but then there’s the Hamm part of my name... ELLIE KEMPER Hamm part? What about the Hamm part? JON HAMM What about it?!! It’s a pig, Ellie! It’s SWINE MEAT and it’s my name ... and it’s not even spelt right! ... it’s a triple whammy. ELLIE KEMPER Triple Hammy, rather. JON HAMM You’re not gonna stop until I like my name, are you? ELLIE KEMPER Well I think you’re wrong! Jon Hamm is great and everyone will want your autograph... your Jon Hancock. I know I’d be happy to have it. JON HAMM You mean my John Hamcock? ELLIE KEMPER Yeah. I’d love your Jon Hammcock. Ellie Kemper exits the auditorium. THE END

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

Gertrude’s Etiquette Etiquette in Gert’s, in bars, in pubs and at house parties by Michael Kratsios and Ashkaan Mohtashami

The history of man has been marked with many monumental moments; walking on two feet was the first, followed by discovering fire, but somewhere in between that and the building of the Great pyramids a certain homo sapien decided to quench his thirst in a way no other ever had-- with alcohol. Ever since that historic event, parties, get togethers, and weekend outings were forever changed. But amongst all this fun filled debauchery often times bartenders and hosts suffer as a result of unwanted drunken behaviour. Because of this, many great thinkers have attempted to write ground rules that should be respected when drinking. Why Hippocrates himself once said, let beer be your food and food be your beer! But not until now has an official set of etiquette rules been published. Gertrude’s etiquette does exactly this. A simple set of rules on how to act at bars, pubs and house parties to ensure that everyone has an awesome time without doing so at the expense of the host. These rules however should not be confused with the highest rule of all, written in stone by the the Gerts legends Jonathan Lencewicz and Neil Den Toom, which states that when asked “Gerts?” one must always answer “Yes!”.

On Gertrude’s birthday we decided to embark on an epic quest, to visit and interview 69 bartenders throughout this great land! Asking them which qualities and habits they like the most and the least in a customer. Here’s what we found:

Part 1 Respectfulness When ordering: One should always put themselves in the shoes of the bartender; if it’s a busy night they should be patient and understand that there are many customers. Stand at the bar and make a bit of eye contact to let them know you intend on ordering; no need to stare them down. Once your turn comes make sure you know what you want and don’t ask for complicated drinks on busy nights, beer is always a simple and easy choice! On quiet nights however complicated drinks can be fun! If you’re having shots offer one to the bartender! If they kindly refuse, respect their decision. Above all never disrespect the bartender by telling them sexist or overly flirtatious comments. Furthermore don’t purposely complain about a drink with the intent of getting a free drink or discount; the bartender is always right! When paying: Bartenders are always there to help us with our drinking needs, provide us with good times and friendships, but one must not forget that despite all the fun they still depend on the money they make. For this reason tipping is crucial. The government assumes they make 15% tip and because of this any tip less than 8% means they’re losing money (many places have to divide an extra 3% of their tip amongst other employees). Thus 8 or 11% tip is oftentimes a break-even point. Proper etiquette states that tip should be 15%, more than this is always happily accepted however excessive tip may be seen as a sign of arrogance and thus isn’t always ideal. Never walk out on a tab! This will often result in forcing the bartender to pay out of their own pockets. Furthermore don’t start a tab, buy a round of drinks, then leave with one of the people you bought drinks for without paying your tab; both you and the bartender will be screwed but not in the same sense ;)

OCT 10th, 2017 Part 2 Preparedness When choosing a drink: One must always know what they want before placing their order. Avoid asking the bartender to “surprise you”, there are too many possibilities and this is too vague. Similarly don’t hold a menu and ask what’s on tap, that’s what the menu is for. Once your drink has been made and served don’t complain you didn’t like it, that’s what you asked for and sadly it wasn’t what you were expecting, learn from your mistake and drink your newly created sadness away. Lastly don’t ask for many drinks and then mention Guinness at the end, preparing Guinness requires a double pour and so should be mentioned at the beginning of your order. Getting a bartender’s attention: Getting the bartender’s attention can be difficult especially on busy nights. If you stay true to Gertrude’s etiquette chances are the bartender will like you and always have an eye on you ready to serve you. Once again a bit of eye contact is all you need to let them know you’re ready to either order or pay for your drinks. Make sure you have your money ready, don’t pay with excessively large bills or with change smaller than 25 cents. Never snap your fingers, whistle or holler to get their attention. Furthermore don’t yell “Garçon!” It may sound cool in 1950’s movies but not so much in real life.

Part 3 Cleanliness & Tidiness When puking: When it comes to drinking, our mental limits can often be greater than our gastrointestinal limits. Because of this our bodies may decide to expel our recently purchased ethanol filled fluid from our bodies, sometimes in a projectile type motion! This often happens with short notice and so it is always important to keep an eye open for the nearest acceptable location to rest your expulsions on. Toilet bowls are ideal, followed by garbage cans. Bars, bartenders, urinals, sinks, floors, other customers, balconies, entrances, purses, bags, stairs and tables are not. When pooping: Everyone enjoys joining a great party and in some rare occasions our bowels are no exception! If you sense that your waste producing organ will soon crash the party make sure you are on a toilet. Try to avoid any non-toilet locations (ex: your pants, a wall).

Part 4 Amusement Conversing with bartenders: Not all heroes wear capes but great ones serve beer! how do we return them the favour? With a bit of humour, a few kind words and a lot of love. We often go to bars for our enjoyment but we must not forget that of others. On calm nights a nice conversation with your local bartender is a simple way to let them know that they’re also a friend. On mildly busy or busy nights, even a simple sentence or two can go a long way.

Part 5 Closing Remarks The ultimate measure of a patron is not how they stand with a drink in hand, but of how they stand with an empty glass. May you hold yourself in high enough esteem to conduct yourself with the proper etiquette. Your ever-vigilant drunkards, Michael Kratsios and Ashkaan Mohtashami

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

Warning: Don’t ever follow a dead corpse’s advice in real life. They usual just want to use you for a delicious Subway sandwich. Speaking of Subway sandwiches, you should go get one! Subway is a pretty good restauraunt with responsible business practices and healthy un-organic ingredients. We’re not even being paid to say this, we just really like it!

OCT 10th, 2017

Dead After Dinner by Freedom Sorbara “What have we got here Sergeant?” Barnaby said. He pulled a notebook out of his breast pocket and looked down at the woman sprawled out on the hardwood floor. A red stain was slowly expanding from under her ash blond hair. “Well uh Barn-” the luckless Sergeant Angus started, then backtracked under Barnaby’s pointed glare. “I mean Inspector Barnaby, sorry. There seems to have been a murder.” His eyes darted around the spacious sitting room. “A murder you say? And on Halloween too.” Barnaby stroked a bushy grey moustache. He paused, waiting, then looked meaningfully at his Sergeant again. “The victim Sergeant?” “Oh, um right. The victim is Ann Sommers, a thirty-three-year-old shipping heiress. Was hosting a dinner party when she was ah, stabbed in the back of the head.” “Shot Angus, she was clearly shot. Who stabs anyone in the back of the head?” Barnaby sighed at the incompetence of his Sergeant but quickly moved on. “And who was in the house at the time?” “Well, we have three suspects.” Angus looked at the other three people in the room, all seated on the sofa opposite. “Andrew Billingham, dinner guest number one, Gloria Rhodes, dinner guest number two, and Samantha Conner, the maid.” All three smiled back awkwardly and Andrew gave a little wave in Barnaby’s direction. “And what do we know about them?” Barnaby asked. “Um, that they were all in the house?” “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got? No lurid details, no criminal past? You couldn’t even make something up? Oh well.” Barnaby rolled his eyes and continued as if talking to an unseen audience. “But which of them could have perpetrated this gruesome and mysterious crime?” His voice rose to a crescendo and he raked his eyes across the three people sitting on the sofa. The dramatic silence was broken by Angus’s nervous giggle. Barnaby whipped his head around and snapped “Do you find murder funny Sergeant?” “No, No, sorry. But ‘gruesome and mysterious crime’ isn’t that a bit much?” Angus raised an apologetic shoulder. “Inspector! I’m Inspector bloody Barnaby! And if none of you are going to take this seriously you can damn well find another Inspector to solve the case!” Barnaby threw down his notebook and stormed out of the room. They could all hear him stomping and muttering down the hall. “Well now you’ve done it Sergeant Angus.” Samantha said, getting up from the sofa. “We can’t find out which of us killed Ann without the Inspector. He does most of the detecting.” “Well this murder mystery game was pointless then.” Ann propped herself up on one elbow and tried to brush some of the fake blood out of her hair. Her high-pitched voice was tinged with annoyance. “Next year can we just have a regular book club meeting for Halloween? I’ve got ketchup all over this dress for nothing.”

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

“Well when you’re Inspector you can damn well do as you please but right now I’m the inspector and I say the crime is gruesome and mysterious, alright!” “Yes sir Inspector Barnaby sir.” Angus saluted and clicked his heels together like a pantomime soldier. “Do you have something more to say to me Sergeant?” “Nope.” “Well then I suggest you keep quiet until it’s your turn to speak.” Barnaby said. Angus gave Barnaby’s backside the middle finger. “Oh God! Hurry up.” A high-pitched voice interjected. Barnaby looked around for a moment and then focused his eyes on the middle distance. “I didn’t hear that.” He said. He started scribbling in his notebook. “Yes you did.” “Must be a disembodied voice. None of us said anything and corpses don’t talk.” Barnaby looked hard at the prostrate body. Ann Sommers still looked very dead. “Uh yeah, probably a ghost.” Angus suggested. “Exactly. Bound to be ghosts on All Hallows Eve.” Barnaby said. “I don’t remember any ghosts in—” Gloria said from her seat on the couch. “Shut up Gloria, you’re a suspect. You’re not supposed to talk until we start interviewing you.” Barnaby said. “Well when you start saying there’s ghosts what am I supposed to do? I don’t think that’s what the inspector usually says.” Gloria folded her arms and sat back. “Yeah, you can’t just go saying there’s ghosts all of a sudden with no proof. It’s going to make this longer and more complicated than it has to be.” Andrew added. “I agree. Can we just get this over with? Interview me. Let’s go.” Samantha said. There was a general muttering of assent. “Are any of you taking this seriously? Ann is lying here dead and one of you did it.” Barnaby gestured to the corpse. “Of course we are Barnaby.” Angus said. He caught hold of Barnaby’s arm and tried to turn him back towards Ann lying on the floor.

THE END

OCT 10th, 2017

#thelastselfie by Jitika Shah

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

I Lost My Mind at a Wendy’s by Egg Man

Disclaimer: Before you begin reading this little spicy nugget of my life a word or warning to all the vegetarians, vegans- and those disinclined to eating meat (I don’t want to assume anything. Your meaty endeavours are your own business). This is a story related to but not about meat. The views expressed here are from one individual and are not meant to insult, or condescend others- but rather to unite everyone who has ever cried over spilt bacon. I lost my mind in a Wendy’s. Yes, you heard correctly, a Wendy’s. I lost my mind on a cold January day in a public fast food joint, well known for their burgers. I assure you I did find it again, so it wasn’t lost for good. It was more misplaced than lost. I misplaced my mind in a Wendy’s. But considering that’s such a mouthful and there is much more exposition to this story to get through let’s just refer to it as “the incident”. On the week of January 15, I was prepping for four exams, a feat too difficult for my meager tenth grade mind to accomplish. At the time I was under enormous amounts of stress, most of which was my own fault, though I do blame the government for at least some of it. I find the government is always at fault in some way and as a millennial it is my duty to find out how, and then complain instead of taking any substantial action. Back to the story though, in addition to my exams, that same week I had also lost a bet which I had made, rather stupidly, two months prior. My punishment for losing said bet was to be a vegetarian for a month. As a meat lover with as many bacon grease stains as regrets, I was desolate. Specifics of the bet aside, I was going to keep my word. Not only that, I would be the greenest vegetarian that ever existed. I would be so vegetarian people would think I was vegan. I would live off the land, eat healthier, use it as an opportunity to expand my horizons. I was so naïve. I made it sixteen days. This in and of itself was spectacularly awful. In the days leading up to “the incident” and my failure as a vegetarian, I was the definition of a mess. Exams had left me high strung and sleep deprived. The vegetarian diet was doing strange things for my body and mental health. I was seeing things, hearing things. I was convinced my dog was following me, possibly with malicious intentions. It wasn’t so much anything she said or did. It was a look. It was a look of contempt. Like it was my fault she would get electrocuted if she chewed on the extension cable. To put it bluntly I was seconds away from snapping and no one knew it. (Imagine a constipated racoon if you will. Or don’t- It has nothing to do with the story). Fast forwarding a few days to the actual day of “the incident” wherein I lost my dignity and maybe my sanity (its existence in the first place has always been questionable). My mother was picking me up from school after a particularly long day. In an attempt to cheer me up, my mother had decided that it would be a good idea to go to Wendy’s- because nothing says life will get better like a three-dollar burger. Upon arriving we were immediately called upon. My mother breezed through her order, whereas I just stood there staring at the menu. So much meat. It was everywhere. I wanted it all. I swear the overhead menu came alive. The burgers grew faces-each beckoning to me, as the seductive vixens they were. One even seemed to be decked out in lingerie.

OCT 10th, 2017 In the end though, I ordered a veggie burger, like the good little vegetarian that I now was. But only after drooling over pictures of the meat for a good 5 minutes, because If I wasn’t filled with bitter regret, it wouldn’t have been genuine. And I am nothing if not genuine. As my mother and I waited for her burger and my salad on a bun to cook, a lady came up next to the cashier to place her order. The woman at the register ordered a chicken burger and, like the rest of us, waited to the side until it was ready. As fate would have it, her order was ready before ours. And, as the poor unsuspecting Wendy’s worker placed it on her tray, I got a whiff of the chicken, and proceeded to lose my mind. To me, the following minute was blur of crazy but I’m now told that most people didn’t even react as it just seemed so surreal to see a teenager walk around a restaurant while making loud chicken noises. My own mother stood there for a good minute trying to wrap her head around the fact that her 15-year-old daughter was in fact running around Wendy’s screaming BAHK BAK-KACK BAK BAK! She did, however, eventually remember herself and that I was still clucking like an animal. And most importantly that I was her animal. Then, she proceeded to do what I now consider to be the ultimate example of her unconditional love for me. She walked up to the cashier and ordered me a real burger. She then took me by the hand and led me to our table, giving me the burger. I ate it without hesitation. And the rest of our meal was eaten in silence, as it is hard to talk when one is feasting like a starved boar. The incident was never mentioned again. That is the story of how I lost my mind in Wendy’s and realized my mother is awesome. In one of my strangest moments, she interpreted my wild clucking and got me what I needed most. And today, because of that, I have a shot at a bright future instead of a slightly less padded cell in a mental institution. Thanks mom.

The author of this piece, Egg Man, is a sleep deprived superhero who feels he embodies all students everywhere. He thought it was important for the Faucet to show his picture so that the frail ego of the midterm ridden student can take a look at him and bask in mutual commiseration. Nothing brings him more joy than a sleepless night and a mean joke made at his expense.

The Plumber’s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

Hammterview

by Notman Benchyacroon We were delighted to have Jon Hamm sit down with us in the Engineering Caf and discuss Jon Hamm's Mad Men life, and the ensuing cultivation of his personal brand. Plumbers Faucet: Jon, thank you for speaking with us. Jon Hamm: Please, it's my pleasure and honor to speak with McGill's most reputable source of news. PF: Thank you, you're making us blush, but please don't use that. JH: Pleasure? PF: McGill. They don't like us using that. At this point of the conversation, we sort of had a really awkward pause. PF: Mad Men coming to a close, crazy eh? That ending... JH: Spoilers! I haven't seen it yet. PF: What was the most challenging part of playing that role? JH: Honestly, it was being mad. Did you know I had to be mad for 7 years? Why couldn't it be Happy Men? Or at least Apathetic Men? PF: What's in the future for you? JH: I had so much going for me while Mad Men was going on, but what comes after, now that I'm a...wait for it...Made Man? In all seriousness, I had a lot of trouble getting roles before Don Draper, and I've been having a lot of trouble after. So I've decided to focus on my brand image. If I had seemed unattainable before, wait until AFTER I've honed my brand. That'll show them.

With that, Jon Hamm began unveiling an incredible part of his plan. The Mad Men spin-off, "Ma'am Men", the 2050s sequel set in a future of alternatingly gendered humans, with every single person played by Jon Hamm. "It's a show based on diversity", Jon says, later clarifying that he is speaking to his diverse acting ability. “It's a Hammneyed premise,” Hamm acknowledges, “but who can get enough of America's doe-eyed angel? (move aside Kristen Stewart!)” The second arm of his self-marketing campaign involves some serious litigation, where he will ruthlessly go after anyone who is destroying his personal image. He's currently in the process of suing Richard Hammond, for "hamming up, or rather, not Hamming up enough, of a good thing" as the lawsuit so precisely puts it. Hamm is also thinking of suing the man standing in the way of one of his dream projects. William Shakespeare is being sued for "copyright infringement of Hammlet, as well as practically every other play he's written, the goddamn plagiarizing cretin." This man may be Made, but it seems he's still pretty Mad! "Though sometimes heavy-Hammded," Hamm says, "I think in the end that we'll all Hammd it to me, Jon Hamm." Wowzers! Stay subscribed, click that like button or whatever we millenials do, as we talk to the pig actor from Babe, Pig in the City about his opinions on Jon Hamm and all hams in general!

Limericks for the Gross Minded and the Completely Hopeless by Jonny There once was a grape on a vine, His mother was made into wine, He dived in to save her, But tasted the flavour, "My god mother hic you taste fine."

There once was a man with a penis, He told women "No dick, that's a wenis." Made a move on his aunt, She said "love to, but can't, "With your fat little wenis between us."

There once was a boy named Clyde, Whose friend Timmy was in need of a ride, So he hooked up a wagon To the tail of a dragon, And Timmy, well he fucking died.

OCT 10th, 2017

Tuesday Night Cafe Theatre’s got a new show, and the Faucet thinks you should all check this comedy/drama out! Marion - a powerful property developer - and Worsely, her despondent subordinate, scheme to eject Alex, Lisa, and their family from their squalid apartment. As this unsavoury business transpires, the play reveals the web of power dynamics that have led these characters to this moment and the ever darker, more twisted desires that drive them. Everything (and everyone) is up for barter and disposal; a baby becomes an object of transaction, sexual favours are exchanged, and murders are plotted. Tickets: 6$ for students/seniors/QDF members 10$ general admission October 11-14, and 18-21 at 8pm TNC Theatre (Morrice Hall) Are you interested in writing comedy, being published, and having fun, all in a low commitment environment? You should know that the Plumber’s Faucet (the magazine you are currently reading) is always taking submissions. If you want to submit a piece or become more involved, e-mail faucet@mcgilleus.ca! If you want to refine your comedic writing skills, you should check out this cool writing workshop led by Alain Mercieca. He’s a super cool guy and also a writer for the Assassin’s Creed franchise! Email lenouveauschool@gmail.com for more info and to sign yourself up for a workshop. If you want to have fun and learn to be funnier as a person, you should check out McGill Improv. We offer free weekly low commitment workshops and we like to make new friends! We have a show coming up on October 20th if you just wanna watch people embarass themselves! Email us at mcgillimprov@gmail.com or like McGill Improv on facebook for more info!

The Plumberâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Faucet - Vol. XXXIV No. II

Weather Corner !!!!!

Brought to you by Gourmet Weather!

Gourmet weather brings youâ&#x20AC;Ś Hurricane physics! Hurricanes start over warm ocean waters as clusters of thunderstorms. Warm surface temperatures trigger convection, causing warm wet air to rise, condense, and release latent heat- the fuel of hurricanes! The hot air rising causes a low pressure at the surface, sucking in air from the surroundings. Once these winds reach 120 km/h, the storm is officially a category 1 hurricane! The surface air spirals inward cyclonically (ccw in the NH and cw in the SH), converging in a circle around the eye, called the eyewall. Here, air is forced upwards, creating an updraft and more condensation. This makes the eyewall the zone of strongest winds and heaviest precipitation. In the middle is the eye - the eerily calm, clear, and precipitation-free zone. The process of gaining heat at the surface and cooling at the top is a positive feedback loop that can only be broken by cutting off access to the heat source, or by strong upper level winds!

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