The Back to School Issue

the plumber’s

FAUCET Vol. 29 no. 2 • September 19, 2013

Back to School Issue

2 the plumber’s FAUCET the plumber’s Masthead Principals Daniel Dicaire David Bailey Deans of Literature Amanda dos Santos David Bailey Daniel Dicaire Graham Pinchin Daniel Galef Adam Pickersgill Professors of the Arts Alex Foty (cover) David Bailey Dan Dicaire

Disclaimer The Plumber’s Faucet is a Publication of the Engineering Undergraduate Society of McGill University. The opinions expressed in the Faucet are not necessarily those of the EUS nor of any other university body, unless such opinion appears over an authorized signature of a representative of the said body. The Faucet does not print works which are sexist, libelous, racist, homophobic, or violating the copyright laws of Canada. It should be noted that some content is meant to be satirical or humourous in nature. For general inquiries, contact faucet@ mcgilleus.ca.

Complaints The EUS takes complaints very seriously. All complaints should begin with the heading “Official Protest to Content in The Plumber’s Faucet”, and should be sent to vpcomm@mcgilleus.ca, publications.director@mcgilleus.ca, and faucet@ mcgilleus.ca. the plumber’s FAUCET vol. 29 no. 2 Thursday, September 19, 2013 ISSN (print): 1707-7478 ISSN (online): 2291-3513

Letter from the Editors The semester is in full swing! By now, I’m sure you’ve settled into your routine of setting your alarm and regretting it every morning. Everyone’s been there. My personal advice is just to sleep in class to make up for staying up until 3 AM, but coffee is also another solution. Why stay up so late you ask? Because I’m excited, that’s why! MERTW Pub Crawl and Mech-Civil Apartment Crawl are practically here! Midterms are still a far distant threat, like Somali pirates or Bird Flu. Now is the best time of the semester.

Time to calm down and dial back the exclaimation points. We are very proud at The Plumber’s Faucet to introduce the first works of some our new writers. As I am an old old man who will soon be passing into the realm of income tax and responsbility, it brings a tear to my eye to see young Fauceteers join this institution.

They each bring their own flavour to our publication, and we are happy to have them.

In other news, this year has already been a record-setting one. OAP broke all of its sales records. McGill has baked the largest tomato cake, installed the weirdest gates, and is a contender for “Silliest Balance Sheet” of the 2013 fiscal year. I hope things calm down, because I can’t handle all of this excitment.

I might as well mention that SSMU Club continues to be irrelevant. Last year’s execs banned one of the campus’ largest charity groups, the PPO, from their clubhouse (Shatner). I could write an article about their reasons, which appear fueled by rumour and personal vendetta, but ultimately SSMU Club is always going to be SSMU Club and everyone will peacefully coexist by continuing to ignore it.

Remember, we can always use new writers, layout people, artists, and drinking buddies, so if you have any interest at all in reading the Faucet, send an email to faucet@mcgilleus.ca! Also visit our shiny new website at www.plumbersfaucet.ca!

-DD & DB

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McGill’s Tomato Cake

Heralding the Downfall of Our Illustrious University

by Adam Pickersgill

In 2012, McGill University set a record for the largest fruit salad in the world. Weighing in at 5078.88 kg (11,197 lbs), this fruit salad was the pride and joy of McGill and exemplary of the pinnacle of excellence to which McGill University holds itself.

Earlier this Month, on September 2nd 2013, the University of Massachusetts at Amherst toppled the record set by McGill by assembling a fruit salad weighing in at 6,935.88 kg (15,291 lbs), and establishing a new standard of excellence for academic institutions around the world.

Not to be silenced, McGill attempted to escalate the academic dick measuring war by baking a 500

lb Tomato Cake. What is a tomato cake you say? Here at the Faucet we had no fucking idea, and apparently the Guinness World Record Commission didn’t either, because sadly, McGill was not recognized for their tomato clad monstrosity.

As McGill is left with a (probably) largely uneaten pile of Lycopene based dessert, they are also left searching for answers. Did this fruit feat failure have anything to do with McGill’s drop from 18th to 21st in the QS World University Rankings? (Almost definitely) Are the recent necessary budget cuts (#budgetcuts2013) to blame for McGill’s poor performance?

Or considering this new Principal does not seem to have what it takes

to compete in this incredibly important category of academic evaluation, should we be desperately requesting the return of recently departed Heather Munroe Blum?

Only time will tell the answer to these questions. This student for one is worried about the university’s reputation, because who would even wipe their ass with a degree from a university that cannot compete in the “World’s Largest [insert food dish here] League,” and by extension, what employer would hire somebody who has a degree covered in shit? Or tomatoes for that matter…

4 the plumber’s FAUCET Mathematical Node Proximity in Graph Theory in Relation to Professional Collaboration and the Bacon-Erdos Number

by Daniel Galef (and Kevin Bacon) Though I believe I need hardly explain to my esteemed colleagues the precise meaning of the various relevant node proximity methods used in professional rankings in relation to collaboration, I below offer brief descriptions for those unfamiliar.

The Bacon Number Inspired by shortest-path algorithms in graph theory and by various “small-world” experiments such as linking two strangers across the world by four handshakes, Bacon Numbers are adapted from the game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, itself adapted from the more general game Six Degrees of Separation.

The central idea is that an actor’s Bacon Number is the shortest number of collaborative leaps or connections it takes to link the actor to Kevin Bacon, a connection being any produced film. Thus, any actor who has appeared in any film that Kevin Bacon also appeared in has a Bacon Number of 1, while those who have acted in a movie with any actor with a number of one, but not with Kevin Bacon himself, have a number of two, etc. Kevin Bacon himself has a number of zero, and all people who cannot, through any number of connections, be linked to Kevin Bacon through films have infinite or undefined Bacon Numbers.

The Erdos Number The principle of Erdos Numbers is the same as above, the difference being that the prolific mathemati-

cian Paul Erdos is the central node, rather than Kevin Bacon, and that connections are defined as published coauthored research papers, rather than films.

In both cases, certain additional criteria and details apply for reasons of integrity, such as more specific definitions for what qualify as node connections (for actors, speaking roles and/or possibly a credit are required, depending on the source, in order to maintain a certain exclusivity; for mathematicians, not all publications or papers may be considered legitimate, for the same reason).

The Erdos-Bacon Number One’s Erdos-Bacon Number is a composite identifier defined simply as the sum of an individual’s separate Erdos and Bacon Numbers, i.e., one’s node proximity through films to Kevin Bacon, plus one’s proximity through research papers to Paul Erdos. Only a select few have finite E-B Numbers, due to the seemingly disparate fields required to be at least moderately proficient in, but the pool includes professionals commonly associated with both disciplines, including Carl Sagan and Natalie Portman, both with Erdos-Bacon Numbers of six. Paul Erdos is widely but falsely believed to have an Erdos-Bacon Number (equal, in his case, to his Bacon Number) of three or five, though it is likely he does have a finite E-B Number, as he appeared in a 1993 biopic entitled N Is a Number. Kevin Bacon’s E-B Number was until

now (as was his Erdos Number) infinite or undefined, as he had not coauthored any published research papers (please refer to byline).

The Bacon-Erdos Number A new concept, the Bacon-Erdos Number focuses on more exclusive and specialized criteria by being defined as the sum of one’s node proximity through films to Paul Erdos and that through research papers to Kevin Bacon. As referenced above, Erdos’s only film appearance was in his own biographic documentary, N Is a Number, and, thus, all “E” connections must be made through performers in this film.

The matter of Kevin Bacon’s academic authorship was, for some time, a difficult one, the actor having coauthored no published papers of any sort, necessitating the drafting of this article and opening the floodgates for a whole new method of calculating professional standing of a sort, of an even more contrived, bizarre, and, above all, exclusive nature, than any of the above. Of course, for the time being, all “B” connections must be made through this very paper and its sole other coauthor, necessarily increasing professional demand for collaboration. However, this is an inconvenience readily bearable in the name of the furthering of human knowledge and the rapid spread of this new system.

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McGill Solves Cyclist Problem For Good

by Set Phasers to Pun Despite several tense months, an end is finally in sight for the Bike Menace. McGill Administration has put in place some rather drastic measures to stomp out the burning problem of people riding their bicycles on campus. Phase one was executed last year, where tactical “Please walk your bike” signs were installed at the Milton Gates. Sadly this proved to not be solution we all hoped for.

After an emergency session of parliament, more aggressive anti-biking measures have been deployed. Milton is serving as a testbed for Frontline Unbreakable Cyclist Kinetic Stoppers. These FUCKS prevent excessive cyclist-pedestrian interaction by creating a solid wall of people to block bikes from moving through the barriers.

Cyclists are most dangerous when a large amount of people are entering and leaving campus during the morning and evening rush hours. The Milton Gates form a natural choke point that these FUCKS can exploit. These gates are constructed out of the finest low grade aluminum, and installed by the lowest bidder. They are designed to stop not only bike traffic, but dangerous sidewalk snowplows as well.

Response to these gates has been overwhelmingly positive. Students and faculty are grateful that the administration can prioritise spending on this cycling epidemic rather than maintaining the full course calendar. It’s clear that McGill will stand up for the needs of its students even in the face of budget cuts. Currently, the only potential problem with this solution is the fact there seems to be no preventing the cyclists from re-mounting their vehicles and continuing on their course. It remains to be seen if Administration can give enough FUCKS to fix the problem for good.

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Apple Inc. Afraid Fruit will Produce Poor Comparisons

by Adam Pickersgill The latest legal action in a long line of court cases has Apple Inc. sending a record 4,372 Cease and Desist letters to American vendors of produce. The letters request that vendors discontinue the use of “all terms used to refer to products which may be associated with, mistaken for, or otherwise draw comparisons to the company name of Apple Inc. or any of its associated products,” within the context of any given vendor’s advertising or sales attempts.

This is purported to include use in signage, verbal references for anyone working on a sales floor, and even product labels and packaging. This implies the moniker of the popular crunchy and usually red fruit would virtually disappear from all grocery stores, local markets, and even orchards which grow the ubiquitous healthy snack.

One section of the letter that particularly sowed seeds of dissent amongst recipients is the inclusion of a clause forbidding any references to the species of the fruit which could be confused with Apple’s popular iMac line of computers.

The company offered a few alternatives suggesting vendors call them “iPples”, “toshes”, or “seed transportation modules” moving forward.

The tech giant threatens to sue for libel if recipients of the letter do not comply. A statement from a representative shed further light on

their reasoning claiming “[The] company does not want anyone to think we are promoting the sale and distribution of Steroids or other Performance Enhancing Drugs and therefore wish to discontinue the use of the phrase Apple Juice.” He went on to further explain that “we also wouldn’t want anyone to associate our products with anything that could become rotten or bug-ridden and need to be thrown out after only a short period of time.”

The letter has produced controversy and a mixed reaction from recipients. One local orchard owner told the Faucet, “I can’t even refer to a----- as a-----? And they want me to try and sell m-------- a----- as ‘seed transportation modules’? This is fucking bullshit! We will definitely be seeking legal counsel and I expect our response to be crisp, and our countersuits to be sweet.”

Other vendors are more pessimistic, describing attempts to fight the massive legal battle as “fruitless.”

In an attempt to stem the tide of criticism, CEO Tim Cook recently

held a press conference to explain and support the reasons for their actions. When the Faucet’s own Michael Sjogurdsson asked him why only domestic distributors were targeted as opposed to larger fruit import and export companies, the vaunted CEO responded: “Despite our international presence, Apple inc is an American company first and foremost, therefore our focus is limited to quelling the threat posed by American fruit, for now.”

It appears we may only be biting into the skin of this developing story.

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Alcoholics Without Borders

by Amanda dos Santos

From wedding crashing to wine tasting, there are lots of ways to get drunk for free, but they all demand too much effort for my liking. I’m always looking for new and improved methods. One Saturday morning, my mom was going to Costco and I had no interest in tagging along until she reminded me that they hand out samples. “You know, you could probably even get drunk there,” she said. Challenge accepted.

The first thing you need to know about this establishment is that the cover is quite expensive – 55$ for a membership. Basically, before you can even start drinking, you need to find someone who is willing to fork out the cash. They simply won’t let you in otherwise.

At the entrance, we got carded by the bouncer, a middle aged woman wearing a vest. That’s how you know you’re about to drink at the hottest club in the city. She handed us a menu with the specials of the day: hearing aid batteries, bulk laundry detergent and flushable diaper liners. Pass.

In certain places, Costco is required to sell alcohol in a separate

location with a separate staff, to comply with liquor laws. Gladly, Quebec has none of these silly laws and alcohol flows alongside lifetime supplies of toilet paper, as it rightfully should.

Making my way to the booze, I ate tzatsziki with crackers, pieces of bagels and some tabbouleh on a naan bread. Can someone explain this to me? What cultural combinations will North Americans come up with next? Kebabs in a tortilla?

Pierogies with samosa filling? Actually, that last one might be sold on campus sometime soon.

By the time I got to the alcohol section, I had already scarfed down many snacks. If you are serious about getting drunk, I suggest you forgo the snacks, which takes a lot more self control than I have.

I grabbed my first drinks then looked for a place to sit, but the place was packed. When drinking alone, I usually prefer to sit at the bar, but alas, the beer kiosk had no seating. I settled on a swing set, the kind with a picnic table nestled between two benches. You have probably seen this exact model at an old folks’ home. On the plus side, it was

close to the CD sampler/jukebox which allowed me to be serenaded

by Welsh songs and sounds from the Himalayas. Also, the awning sheltered me from the harsh neon lighting, creating the perfect ambiance for enjoying alcoholic beverages in the morning.

Much to my dismay, all the beers they were offering that day were light and summery. It made getting drunk a lot more challenging than with, say, samples of Fin du Monde. Sure, the samples were generous, but I didn’t have much faith in the intoxication power of Chill, a 100-calorie per bottle lime-flavoured light beer. Nonetheless, I persevered and by the end of my experiment, I was decently tipsy without spending a dime. So, you’ve seen the lineups at Blues Pub. Care to join me at Costco this Friday?

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Jaywalking the Line Episode 1 of the chronicles of a master jaywalker

by Liquid Giggles When I was ten, you would never have guessed that I would one day join the ranks of the criminal elements of society. I went to school, I took my baths, and most importantly, I looked both ways and only crossed streets when the traffic light said it was ok. But it was at the tender age of ten that I took my first step down a path of addiction and deep into my own little corner of the criminal underworld.

It was October 14th, 1998, and I was late for dinner. Mom was going to be livid. It was 6:55 pm on a clear day, and there wasn’t a car on the road. I had just sprinted 5 blocks and was coming up to a set of lights.

As I sprinted, I saw that the walking symbol at the next light had just changed to the flashing hand, and that by the time I got there it would be a full minute before I could run again. My heart sank, as if it was an engineer in the St. Lawrence who had refused to inflate a contract for the mob.

I sprinted to the intersection nonetheless, and cursed my rotten luck. Not a car on the road, a worried mother blocks away, and only a traffic light to stop me. I knew that the rule of law needed to be respected – if jaywalking was tolerated, pretty soon people would be stealing, killing, and refusing to share their pudding.

And yet… something stirred inside me at that moment. My mind went blank and my body felt nothing as I found myself bolting across the street, right in the face of the law, order, and the good of society.

And you know what? I felt good. Really good. I experienced an adrenaline rush I had never felt before. It was like the house I lived in had collapsed, forcing me into a great outdoors stuffed with possibilities.

I ran on like a sheep escaping a Queen’s dorm room, and when I got to the next light in fifteen seconds flat, I didn’t even check if the walking symbol was on or look both ways before sprinting through. For all the hard-core jaywalking I would do later in life, that was the risk I regret most.

Nevertheless, I got through that intersection and the next without incident and without looking, and I arrived home at 6:59:45. Mother had left a note that she was at the store and would return at 7:30. I realized that my rush was totally unnecessary, but it didn’t matter – I was still experiencing a high like I had never experienced before.

My adventure for that day was over, but really, it was only the start of a long and dark segment of my life which would put me at odds with the law, bring me across the world, and make me find true love and lose it.

Next issue I will describe my early days as a jaywalker in Montreal, and the spectacular fall which would threaten to destroy my new way of life.

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Fun with the McGill Daily The McGill Daily is always good for a laugh. It is undeniably the campus’ second best humour newspaper, after the Faucet. As a shoutout to our moody little brother, we’re going to feature some of the best quotes from the McGill Daily so that they can get the recognition that they deserve.

Here’s a fun little one by Malcolm Araos-Egan on everyone’s favourite bike barriers (Vol. 103, Iss. 02): “The barriers at Milton Gates are also part of McGill’s newest effort to insulate campus from its surrounding community. Since its establishment, this campus has sought to create an Anglophone foothill enclave.”

Thank you Daily for exposing the bike gates as yet another plot by the anglo centric oligarchs of the evil McGill empire. Good one.

If you see any quotes in the Daily that you would like to see featured in the Faucet, send it in to faucet@ mcgilleus.ca!

See this, and all of our past issues in glorious full-color PDFs at

www.plumbersfaucet.ca!

We also have all sorts of other information about the Faucet there!

Like The Plumber’s Faucet on Facebook! www.facebook.com/ThePlumbersFaucet

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The Great Dollarama Drinking Game

by Set Phasers to Pun

Fairest readers, by now you may have heard about the tragedy that is the new Blues Pub pricing policy. That’s right, disposable plastic cups now cost $1, which is quadruple what was charged for them two years ago, and approximately fiftituple what they cost to manufacture.

BUT FRET NOT! As engineers, we should think of every problem or constraint as an opportunity for improvement and advancement of society as a whole.

When you have to spend a dollar to drink anyway, why not make things interesting?

7. If needed, you must provide your own funnel.

8. You may bring a second vessel or buy a cup for any beer that will not fit in your PDV. 9. You can only drink from your PDV - pour from your secondary vessel into your PDV before drinking.

10. Only your PDV will be judged - no bonus points for a cool secondary.

11. Dollarama items may cost up to $3.00 (before tax), but cheapness is appreciated.

12. Vessels shall be graded according to the weighted average of the following categories (1-10): • • • •

Dan Dicaire, Neil DenToom, and Graham Pinchin, styling their PDVs

Creativity Hilarity (as declared by the Plumber’s Faucet) Sex Appeal Departmental representation

Remember, the following items may no longer be used, since they were used during the first Blues Pub of the year: Halloween bucket, tea kettle, tackle box, change bank, sippy cup, beer pitcher, or milk-pitcher.

Dollarama, the favored student source for everything from sharpies to pregnancy tests, has a wide selection of vaguely watertight vessels to consider. Now that you know this, I’m ready to present our little game: 1. Every Friday before Blues Pub, you shall go to Dollarama and buy one item.

2. This Dollarama item shall become your Primary Drinking Vessel (PDV) for the night.

3. You may not use an item which was used at any previous Blues Pubs.

4. No penalty for multiple people using the same PDV on the same night.

5. PDVs may not leak.

6. If your PDV breaks, you are disqualified.

David Bailey with his Disney Princess change holder.

Michael McPherson and his “Cars” sippy cup.

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Faraz Oman, pissing off mom by drinking straight from the jug.

Neil DenToom getting dainty with his tea kettle.

Graham Pinchin, winnner of this year’s first Dollarama game, with his magic tackle box.

You Can Win Too! We’ll be around every Blues Pub looking for unique drinking vessels, so come and find us! If you can’t find us, send a photo of you and your drinking vessel to faucet@mcgilleus.ca! Please indicate if you want your name printed. We’ll be selecting a winner every week! (Identity concealed by request).

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OAP 2013: By the Numbers Spoiler: they are really bloody big numbers

by Liquid Giggles

The welcoming atmosphere, the friends you catch up with after a long summer, and the cool people you meet are what give OAP its charm, but as engineers we like to see numbers when all is said and done. And the Best Place on Earth gave some really impressive numbers this year. I’m talking supplierrunning-out-of-beer type numbers.

(Side-story: at one point, some of the Honey Brown delivered had yellow price tags since they were apparently recalled from a dep to serve us). OAP this year set records for highest revenue, most food sold, most beer sold overall, most beer sold in a single day, and (probably) most happy customers.

So, without further ado...

OAP 2013 - Beer Sales

507

500 400

361

338.25 291

300

224 200

242

220

186.5 115.75

100 0

Beer Numbers: Detailed beer records were kept every day of OAP, so here are a few highlights. And remember, these are McGill-sized cases, meaning 24 beers each: Total cases sold:

2485.5

Most cases in one day: (Friday, September 6th)

507

Total beers consumed:

59 652

Total volume: (assuming all 341 mL bottles, the volume of a Sapporo bottle)

20 341 L

Over the entire event, this is: • 780 beers/hr or 265 L/hr D.B.

Biggest day of OAP ever!

600

Cases Sold (24s)

This year, OAP was once again the biggest OAP ever. The Best Place on Earth set new records for beer sold, food sold, and money raised.

As awesome bands played and students consumed conspicuously in Three Bares Park, an army of volunteers worked behind the tents to keep the fluids flowing and the grills burning.

• 13 beers/min or 4.4 L/min

Highest sales in 1 hour: 106 cases (between 6:05 pm-7:05 pm on Friday, September 6th • 2544 beers/hr or 868 L/hr • 42.4 beers/min or 14.5 L/min • 1 beer every 1.4 seconds, or 242 mL/second (roughly the same as my bathroom sink - and I have good water pressure) Silly Beer Numbers: Now these numbers are all very nice, but I bet you’d like a better way to visualize them. Well, have no fear, for all big numbers deserve silly comparisons. The total beer sold at OAP 2013 is equivalent to: • Getting 1500 engineers drunk (if they “demolish 40 beers”) • Supplying the beer needs of the

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average Canadian for 297 years, at the average rate of 68.4 L/year (source: Wikipedia).

• Supplying the beer needs for average Czech for 154.1 years (largest), and 10172 years for the average Indian (smallest that Wikipedia gives a number for).

• 31 Blues Pubs (at about 80 cases/BP, which is a guestimation) • 171 barrels of beer.

• 4270 lbs of barley (at 25 lbs/barrel - according to North Dakota State University). This is the approximate yield of one acre (according to some random internet forum).

• Getting 11930 men drunk, according to CDC numbers which claim 5 drinks as the approximate threshold of “binge drinking”.

• 8.5% the fuel capacity of a Boeing 747.

• 4.08x10-8% the average rate of discharge of the Amazon River.

• 3.58x10-10% the total annual discharge of the Amazon River.

Food numbers: Don’t drink on an empty stomach, and McGill students certainly didn’t at OAP. Here are the facts on that front. Remember that 100% of food is donated by Provigo! Buy their food; they are good people! And I’m honestly under no obligation to say that.

Total burgers sold:

10240

Total chicken burgers sold:

2416

Total hot dogs sold:

1960

Total veggie burgers sold:

864

Total burger weight:

1740.8 kg

Total chicken weight:

341.2 kg

Total hot dog weight:

75 kg

Total veggie weight:

122.7 kg

D.B. • Enough energy to power a 24 W vibrator for 166,668 hours.

• Enough energy to have sex for 20 000 hours (assuming 170 cal/ hr, as suggested by WebMD).

Total charcoal burned: 1800+ lbs

And last but not least...

Silly food numbers:

Money Raised

Kind of hard to visualize how much food that is, eh? Well, let’s put it in perspective:

OAP raises the money for the EUS, to support the clubs, committees, and other student initiatives.

Final profits won’t be known for a while, but they will go a long way this year.

Total cows needed: 6.3 (assuming 276 kg/cow, which is reasonable according to the Oklahoma Department of Agriculture) Total chickens needed: 500 (various online sources say <3 lbs/ chicken, and 50% good for meat) Total vegetarians needed: 3 (with average US weight of 180 lbs, and assuming 50% of mass suitable for veggie burgers) Total calories:

3 416 176

• Could keep the average person alive for about 4.5 years, assuming ~2100 calories/day, and excellent scurvy resistance.

• Enough energy to power a 100 W light bulb for 40 000 hours

OAP Lite, which was held last April, raises money for President’s Choice Children’s Charity. It is one of the biggest contributors to that initiative, and the donation is always made at OAP. This year $25 000 was donated, the biggest donation to date. The EUS has now donated a total of $70 000 over the past 4 years to PC Children’s Charity.

And that’s all for now - I’ll see you at OAP Lite! Make sure you drink your fill so that we can break some records again. Remember, it’s for the children!

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Snow White (Politically Correct)

by Set Phasers to Pun

O

nce upon a time there was a heterosexual cis-gendered adult female named Snow White. She was deemed to be physically more attractive to many people who conform to the western imperial standard of female beauty then any other in the land. One day the Queen, another heterosexual cis-gendered female who thought of herself as the most attractive female form according to the western imperial paradigm began to feel oppressed by Snow White's presence. The Queen politely told Snow White

to check her attractiveness privilege and live far away from her safe space. Snow White left the capital and went to stay in the woods with seven vertically challenged heterosexual cis-gendered men in a log cabin. An equitable platonic arrangement of exchanged service developed between Snow White and the men.

The seven men would labour in a diamond mine while Snow White would clean and maintain the cabin, fulfilling a critical well-appreciated role in society. This continued for some time, until the Queen felt oppressed again. She asked her magic mirror on the wall to validate her appearance, and was dismayed when she learned that someone had more attractive physical endowments than her. The Queen began to act most dis-equitably. She dressed as an octogenarian woman, intending to manipulate society's latent ageism, then poisoned an apple.

The Queen then traveled to Snow White's house, and gave her the apple as a present. Upon eating it, Snow White entered into a

deep sleep which could not be broken. When the seven vertically challenged men returned home, they found Snow White, but the Queen was nowhere to be seen. Out of respect, they enclosed her in an environmentally friendly transparent coffin, and placed her in the woods.

One day many weeks later, a heterosexual cis-gendered male participant of a neighboring royal family who was deemed attractive by imperial western standards, found Snow White. After checking his male privilege and evaluating Snow White as a person rather than an object, he decided to go home, because no consent can be gained from someone who is not conscious.

THE END.

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ENGINEERED FOR SUCCESS Our financial package1 for engineering students offers a wide range of advantages you have to see to believe. Sign up today.

Drop in and see for yourself: • 1140 rue Sherbrooke West (intersection Stanley), 514 281-9621 • 955 de Maisonneuve West (intersection Mansfield), 514 281-9620

engineersbank.ca 1 This financial package is an advantage offered to full-time university students in engineering who are Canadian citizens or permanent residents of Canada. Students must provide proof of their full-time student status.

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Get a Life - Join the Faucet!

by Liquid Giggles Well, by now you’ve had a small taste of the Faucet, and I hope it tasted like Boustan after a night of drinking. If you’re new at McGill and don’t know what that means yet, trust me, it tastes really fucking good.

Now, it’s no secret that the Faucet is the shit, and being part of our little clan is more fun than trying the free samples in red-light aisle at Costco. Being able to point to your name in the Faucet is a real panty/briefs dropper. You also get the respect and admiration of the entire faculty of engineering, as well as the warming ire of artsies. In short, Fauceters are a cut above - we are gods among men.

How do you join the Faucet? Do you need to write a Nobel Prize-winning poem about getting a blowjob?

Do you need to consume 40 beers in under an hour? Do you need to be born with a wrench-shaped birthmark?

Do you need conceive a hundred children with eighty artsies in a single night?

These are things that Fauceters do every day, but as it turns out, the prerequisites needed join us are not nearly that stringent. In case you haven’t caught on, we have virtually no standards. Anyone can make any-

thing for us whenever! If it’s entertaining, we’ll stick it in. You can draw, write, or photograph. The humour can be laugh-out-loud funny or simply peculiar and interesting. If you can produce something others will want to see, you should produce it for us. Even if you are a useless plug, we can probably find some sort of work for you.

As a member of the Faucet staff, you only need to make a small commitment every week of a few hours, one or two of which are usually spent at a bar for our meetings. We publish about once a month, and we like to get at least a page of content (~600 words or some sort of image or diagram) from each writer. You also get an automatic invite to Faucet Socials, which overflow in food, booze, and shenanigans.

Still aren’t sure? Well don’t be scared – we’re happy to offer guidance so that you can earn your place as one of the world’s future ruling class. Just send us an email saying you’re interested and come to our weekly meetings (did I mention that they are usually at a bar?), and soon you’ll find yourself surrounded by a throng of admirers asking for signatures, begging you to review their screenplays, and offering their bodies to you.

If you really can’t be a regular contributor but still want to have your say, anyone can send content in at any time to be published. It’s kind of like a one-night stand that will lead to more than one orgasm, since you’ll find yourself being really popular at parties after your article goes to print.

If you’re a short-sighted bastard who doesn’t want to join up, but you still want to keep up to date and view past issues, you can also visit our website or like us on Facebook.

So join the Faucet, and put the world in the palm of your hand!

Email: faucet@mcgilleus.ca

From www.plumbersfaucet.ca!