Dried up roses
Hanging dead flowers. They smell funny. They smell strongly of sweet decomposition. They are pretty, but dead. Usually nothing dead is pretty, but flowers? Hanging upside down, slowly dying.
You wouldn’t look pretty, hanging upside down, slowly dying. No, you wouldn’t.
When she was eleven
He was thirty-eight
Maybe even forty
He was laughing so hard
It was so funny for him
To give alcohol to this little girl
To make her get drunk
To make her not conscious of her body
Confused as she was walking down the hall
To find the bathroom
He was drinking as well, a bit too much
And He came there
For her
So as she was holding her breath
Hiding, sitting on a toilet
legs crossed on the toilet seat
He was breathing heavily, waiting for her
Singing her name
As if it was such a fun game
What would have he done
Had walked out?
If she wouldn’t be able
To hold her breath anymore?
What would have he done
If she answered his calling?
Today is such a beautiful day to be alive! In school it was alright, Pineapple looked at me again, and even smiled! But his friend did it again. But that doesn’t matter, it’s such a beautiful day to be alive! When the message came on my phone, Pineapple looked at me again. He looked kind of worried, but it was probably nothing. He knows and I was excited to come back and see him again. He was watching me when I walked out of class! I kept thinking about him. Back and forth. It’s just like brushing your teeth. Repeating cycle, lasting about five to ten minutes. It’s not that bad, I can do it. I was imagining Pineapple’s face when I closed the door behind me. Filthy storage room, I never liked it. He was waiting there already, smiling, thanking me that I came. As if I could not. Just like every other Friday. Back and forth. I never enjoyed that, but I couldn’t resist. I knew what would happen if I did. But it’s such a beautiful day to be alive! I was picturing Pineapple’s face, I was imagining, that he was the one touching me. Back and forth. Think about pretty things, I kept saying to myself. It’s only five minutes, just like brushing your teeth. Back and forth, in and out. Even he said that this is as important as brushing your teeth. You have to be strong. He’s not doing anything wrong. It’s just basic human thing that big girls do. It’s such a beautiful day to be alive! Only a minute now, it’s almost over. Do not look at him when it’s almost over. He doesn’t like that. Close your eyes. Imagine Pineapple. His face is so pretty. Why did he look so worried when I left? Do not open your eyes. He is going faster now. Back and forth.
It’s almost over. Like everything. Easy like that. Today is such a beautiful day to be alive! Definitely he’s going to be satisfied. Teachers usually like me. And I would say they even think about me. I heard him talk about me with Pineapple. Sometimes they teach together and watch me together. They are both telling me that I wouldn’t make it to sixth grade if I hadn’t these individual classes.
She’s pale, an unhealthy colour. White as a snowdrop, if not for the dark circles laying beneath her dull green eyes. Stare blank as if she wasn’t there, as if she never slept. as if she was almost dead
I don’t recognise her anymore, She looks like a walking corpse, Lurking in the shadows, Ever to be seen or heard. She looks like me
-no she doesn’t this isn’t healthy
- for beauty you suffer
This doesn’t feel right
-trust me, it’s better
I’m not worth it
- You’re starting to get it. My reflection blurs a little, tears in my eyes spill down my chin, As I look up from the mirror
The voice in my head is with me still.
Reflection
Všechny vidím v depresi
I já tím někdy trpím
Ale svět není tak černý
Jde o to vnímat smích
A sem tam přehnaně hledat štěstí
The beauty of pain
Beauty is something not all people can describe
Beauty in pain
Pain in beauty
No matter how you say it
Pain equals beauty
Because pain is all around you
On you, in you, in a loved one
Beauty is something everyone sees
Everyone experiences
Everything is beautiful
If you look at it the right way
And beauty is painful
And it hurts, it hurts so much because it makes you feel
And it can make you feel painful
And you do not like to feel