PQ Monthly October/November 2015 Edition

SWAIM STRATEGIES Changing the world one event at a time!

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Photo by Dax McMillan

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INSIDE: Eden PNW Recap, LGBT Theater, Astoria’s Daylight Cums, Your Annual Halloween To-Boo List, & Much More!

FEATURE

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PQ TEAM Melanie Davis

Owner/Publisher melanie@pqmonthly.com

chris Àlvarez

Art Director chris@pqmonthly.com

editorial TEAM daniel borgen

Editor daniel@pqmonthly.com

Leela Ginelle

Regular Contributor leela@pqmonthly.com

Matt Pizzuti

Regular Contributor info@pqmonthly.com

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National Advertising Rivendell Media 212-242-6863 sales@rivendellmedia.com

photographers Dax McMillan Photographer

contributing writers

TJ Acena, Marco Davis, Gula Delgatto, Andrew Edwards, Leela Ginelle, Sossity Chiricuzio ,Shaley Howard, Konrad Juengling, Richard Jones, LeAnn Locher, Michael James, Monika MHz, Miss Renee, Katey Pants, and, of course, your PQ Editorial Team

DEAR YOU OF TODAY: We are at an amazing point in time—we are at a new intersection. It is at this intersection where we can collide or change. I have been doing some serious reflecting. Moments throughout the day, at events, on motorcycle rides and rallies. At LGBTQ events, protest, pickets, boycotts, and even over coffee. I have tried to steal a moment from each by being still long enough to observe and extract the essence of the experience, and its meaning. It’s those moments I have opened my heart to, and many of those moments that kept me up late at night. My brain combing through them seeing how they apply to life, my life, and the lives of people different than me.

Some moments of stillness are easy and enjoyable to drawn meaning from. Like seeing my mom laugh—others may just hear laughter from a woman. What I am hearing is her soul filled with the oxygen of joy, returning the sparkle of light—that I thought was lost after my father passed—to her beautiful brown eyes.

I look at that cherished moment and I look at life, and then the world. I know somewhere and probably everywhere people are having the relief of this long awaited experience as well.

I am still for a moment while I see Europe mourn for her German country as that nation is both welcoming and rioting the change of this now inevitable new world. I am still while I hear the old guy at the bar talking about Mexicans taking over the US. Then I hear Mexicans talking about the “re-browning of America in the name of Aztlán.” I see the black and African-American movements pulse through our land. I see the nation’s first people stand tall though it ALL. Then all of these moments unexpectedly collide at the Elks Lodge in Seaside, Oregon USA where comedian Marga Gomez shares with the packed ballroom of lesbians at the third annual Eden PNW’s weekend. While noting our queerness and physical location, she said, “We could not have this 20 years ago, just 20 y-e-a-r-s a-g-o we could not have any of this.”

Those thoughts and moments I have been collecting and pondering collided all at once like an explosion in my head. Marga Gomez’s statement couldn’t be more fucking true! It’s true for everyone, from Germany, to the Middle East, to the US. This statement rings true for conservatives, liberals, Latinos, black, African American, Native American, Asian, LGBTQ, people of all faiths, and every letter and every color in between. Just 20 years ago we could not have any of this. We have arrived at the intersection our leaders and forefathers has prophesied, forecast, computed, worked towards, fought for!

As we all gather at the crossroad, I worry. I worry that we forget our com-

monalities. The fiber that makes our lives worth living. Those moments that we share that make us strong, those moments like the laughter of a healing mother. The joy of being newlywed, our revitalization when we fellowship among our peers, family, and community. I worry that we are on this road of change and while we take a deep breath moments before we push forward, we forget that we breathe the same air. I worry that we move rapidly towards one another with hate and fear guiding our hearts. I worry that we forget the joy of our mother’s laughter, the warmth of holding a loved one’s hand, and the sadness of history and how we have all been hurt. I worry that we forget the teachings of love and compassion and how it has healed us. I worry that we regress to our earlier teachings of hate and fear and that’s what guides us through the intersection of change.

We should worry because every day we see the societies’ of our world become the victims of our vocation. We should worry that at this new intersection of change it again becomes the road our global history has already taken and traveled over and over again. This brings me to the 4 letter word that I rarely use. That word is hate—its only existence in my world is towards ignorance and arrogance as they breed the most dangerous of the 4 letter words, FEAR! We can see people operating out of fear everywhere and sadly every day. Some are taught it in school, faith, from their parents, community, and peers. Fear teaches fear, then it gathers followers, and hate grows stronger. I am a person of faith and strong spiritual connections, however, what I cannot subscribe to is faiths, religions, education, and governments that teach fear, oppression, and objectification. We should not tolerate teachings of violence and murder in a God’s name. We should not tolerate this as we are not our forefathers, and we do not have to relive or recreate the bloody fibers of our historic tapestries.

We are at that moment where we can collide, or change. But first we have to be the change….

I hope you are equally as encouraged as I am by the people we write about in PQ, El Hispanic News, and Tankside. These people are changing the world every day. They stand strong, without fear, seeking out the new world. Clearing the road for us, ridding it of hate and fear, ignorance and arrogance.

I will leave you with the 6 words I choose to live by: “FEAR, fuck fear.

LIVE & LOVE!” I humbly thank each of you in advance for preserving our future!

Melanie Davis Owner – Publisher. Brilliant Media llc.

A SMATTERING OF WHAT YOU’LL FIND INSIDE:

ON THE COVER

A Peek Behinds the Scenes at Swaim Strategies..............................Page 4 More Fall Theater: Triangle’s Season...................................................Page 6 A Handful of Halloween’s Best Bets....................................................Page 7 Talk about Bi People.............................................................................Page 8 LGBT History Project..............................................................................Page 10

503.228.3139

Eden PNW Recap.................................................................................Page 12 My Crotch & My Faith...........................................................................Page 14

proudqueer.com

More Events! ........................................................................................ Page 16 The Secret Life of Summer Seasons....................................................Page 19

THE NATIONAL ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVE OF PQ MONTHLY IS RIVENDELL MEDIA, INC. BRILLIANT MEDIA LLC, DBA EL HISPANIC NEWS & PQ MONTHLY.

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This edition’s cover features some of the hardest-working folks in the city: the brains and brawn behind Swaim Strategies, who probably put on that gala you’re still talking about. Photo by Dax McMillan.

Plus: Astoria’s Coastal Correspondent, Our Midlife Adventure (Not Crisis!), Queer Heroes, LGBTQ Folks of Color & Elusive Equality, A Conscious Approach to Lesbian Dating & Relationships, This Ends Badly, Lady Chronicles, Bi Brigade, and much more! Not seeing what you’d like to read? Email Daniel@PQMonthly.com.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 3

“WHEN WE KNOW EACH OTHER, WHEN WE KNOW HOW OTHER PEOPLE LIVE, WHEN WE KNOW OTHER PEOPLE’S STORIES, WHEN WE LEARN OTHER PEOPLE’S JOURNEYS, IT BECOMES REALLY HARD TO THROW THEM OUT OF THE BOAT.”

4 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

Photo by Dax McMillan

FEATURE

Group shot: It takes a team. We have a staff of five and each of us has our specialty areas. We are a dedicated partner to the nonprofit and are there to coach them through their donor cultivation.

STANDING ALONGSIDE THE GIANTS REWRITING OUR STORIES: THE CRUCIAL WORK OF NON-PROFITS

By Shaley Howard, PQ Monthly

Even if you haven’t already heard the name Samantha Swaim, you’ve most likely attended an event that she and her team have helped plan and create—think Ignite, Q Center galas, and many more. A recipient of the 2015 Equity Foundation Women in Leadership award, Sam, as many call her, is a woman behind the scenes. She’s an advocate, an activist, and an inspiration to anyone that crosses her path—and she’s on a mission to change the world for the better.

Sam and her partner, Kristin Steele, are fundraising consultants and own and operate their company called Swaim Strategies, currently celebrating its 11th year. Both women are extremely passionate about what they do and believe that people working in the non-profit world are the real change agents and “superheroes.” As consultants, they believe strongly that the events an organization creates can have a huge, positive impact on how well it thrives. PQ Monthly had the pleasure of asking Sam a few questions about their company, what it takes to create successful events, and what drives them.

PQ Monthly: What is it like putting on these big nonprofit events?

Samantha Swaim: There are some critical pieces to every event. First they have to be fun. It has to be an event that plays to the audience. If a donor base is there because they love supporting youth programming, then the youth should be on the stage. If people are there to support the music program, then the event should be filled with music.

If your audience loves to dance, let them dance.

Second, the fun can’t compete with the story. Give people the opportunity to learn why your work matters.

Share the incredible stories of the clients you serve. Infuse the program with the passion that is at the heart of the organization.

Finally, it has to be easy. Don’t overcomplicate things.

Have an easy check in and check out process. Don’t let there be lines at the bar. Have good sound and good scripted program content. If your audience has to work really hard to understand the programming content you’re no longer having fun, sharing your story or effectively moving people to engage.

SWAIM | Story continues on page 5

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FEATURE PQ: What strategies do you use to produce a successful event?

Swaim: It takes a team. We have a staff of five and each of us has our specialty areas. We are a dedicated partner to the nonprofit and are there to coach them through their donor cultivation. We help to write their story, we craft their video content, we build their theme and we throw in the fun and entertainment. Together each of us is able to add our own little ingredient to the success of any one event.

PQ: What inspires you and drives you in your work?

Swaim: The people we work with and the greater need to do good in the world are the two elements that drive us.

Everyday the news reports on horrible things happening in the world and we get to go stand alongside the giants that are rewriting those stories. We get to fight domestic violence by working with organizations like Bradley Angle and Raphael House that are helping families be free of abuse.

We get to be a part of fighting for equality by helping organizations like Basic Rights Oregon (BRO) and Equality North Carolina raise critical funds in their state.

We get to build communities and be there for queer kids who are scared or are being bullied by working with the likes of the Palm Springs Gay and Lesbian Center or the Pride Center in Albany New Work. We get to address housing and poverty by working with Pivot in British Columbia and Community Action in Washington County. We get to elevate the importance of art for social justice by working with the Oregon Arts Commission and PHAME. We get to celebrate communities of color by working with Urban League and Latino Network. To hear their stories and to help them share their important work with the community.

It is an honor every day to stand alongside these passionate leaders and to advocate for a just and peaceful world.

PQ: If you were to offer advice to anyone considering a career in fundraising what would you tell them?

Swaim: Work for a cause you are passionate about.

Know that fundraising is about people. Building relationships is critical to success in this field. In order to garner support from a donor base, it is imperative that you see that donor base as a partner to you in your work. That you include them in the work and engage them as a part of the change you are advocating for. When people feel involved, when people feel included, when people have pride in an organization, their support will grow. But if you are not passionate about the work, it is nearly impossible to get other people on that train.

PQ: Do you mainly focus on LGBTQ events or is it all over the board?

Swaim: We do a lot of work with the LGBTQ community.

We work with a dozen different LGBTQ community centers around the country. We work with several state-wide LGBTQ advocacy groups. And we work with a number of HIV/AIDS organizations that have an LGBTQ support base. It is a community that we are a part of, that we feel passionate to give back to, but it is not our only work.

PQ: Where do you see yourself in the LGBTQ movement personally and also within event planning?

Swaim: When we are not planning an event, we are teaching. We teach at conferences and in classrooms around the country to help nonprofits (many of which are LGBTQ) to raise more money, to share their work and their stories, to coach and train their boards, to engage their sponsors and donors, and to produce their own great events. Through this work we have had stood beside many organizations through ballot measures, through campaigns, through legislative efforts and have celebrated every victory toward equality.

After 10 years of working on campaigns our best day of work ever was getting to plan the wedding celebrations for over 70 couples here in Portland on the day marriage became legal. We are not wedding planners, but that was a day we were not going to miss out on!

Such a joyous day.

PQ: What is your proudest achievement or moment and what drives you personally?

Swaim: Love and kindness drive us. In what often seems like a divisive world filled with black and white answers and taking sides of right and wrong, the one thing that seems universal and seems to actually break down barriers or divides, is love. When we know each other, when we know how other people live, when we know other people’s stories, when we learn other people’s journeys, it becomes really hard to throw them out of the boat. So every day we work hard to learn about others, to share those stories at events and to inspire others in the same way that we are inspired by our clients. It is our job to elevate their work and when event goers say yes, and show their support, give their love, and give generously, there is no better feeling in the world. We truly believe that a rising tide raises all ships. pqmonthly.com

“ The people we work with and the greater need to do good in the world are the two elements that drive us,” Swaim says.

Photo by Dax McMillan

PQ: You’re very involved with AIDS LifeCycle, the 7-day bike ride from San Francisco to Los Angeles to raise money and awareness in the fight against HIV/AIDS. What is your draw to this particular event?

Swaim: The community! It is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And yet every training pedal stroke I have Team Portland cheering me on. Once you hit the ride it is a beautiful display of our LGBTQ rainbow. As you’re climbing the hill drag queens are cheering you to the top. As you’re struggling at mile 95 a fellow rider screams out... Hey gurl, lookin good!

And what once was a memoriam to those we lost has become a celebration of those we have and love. We are raising awareness in every small town we pass, we are raising millions of dollars every year, and we are getting closer to a cure every day. It’s a celebration of the human spirit and the power we have when we come together. I look forward to riding the victory ride when we have cured this hideous disease.

PQ: What’s on the horizon for you and Swaim Strategies?

Swaim: I’m currently participating in American Leadership Forum Oregon which is giving me an amazing opportunity to work with change agents from around the entire state. Plus in a few months Swaim Strategies will be moving into a new office space that we hope will better serve the needs of our clients and provide a creative learning environment to explore fundraising, storytelling and the intersections that make for great events.

We’re also coming into the height of fall event season and have a really exciting slate of events coming up, including a Halloween gala Ignite for Basic Rights Oregon. This year is going to be a really exciting event with a spooky twist!

For more information about Swaim Strategies and BRO’s Ignite, held October 30 this year, check out www.swaimstategies.com.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 5

FEATURE

FEATURE

ANOTHER STELLAR SEASON OF LGBTQ THEATER: TRIANGLE’S UPCOMING SEASON Exceptional, personalized, comprehensive care for your best friend.

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opens with the musical The Book of Mermen on November 27. Two Mormon missionaries knock on Ethel Mermen’s door hoping to find a convert and find so much more. The Book of Mermen closed a run in Chicago earlier this year to positive reviews. Triangle has partnered with Clinton Street Theatre to hold an Ethel Mermen movie Looped (from last season), with Margie Boule’ as Tallulah Bankhead and David weekend on November 6 and 7 Sargent as Danny Miller. Photo by David Kinder. as well. Local comedian Belinda Carroll will host as Ethel Mermen.

Viewers will be able to watch some

By TJ Acena, PQ Monthly of Merman’s lesser-known movies to preTriangle Productions, Portland’s LGBTQ pare for The Book of Mermen.

The next show is What Every Girl Should theatre company, is opening its 26th season this fall. Choosing a season is always a difficult Know. The play is set in a Catholic reform task. “My search is daily,” says artistic director school in 1914. The lives of four teenage girls Don Horn, “I either hear about a new show or are changed when they read pamphlets by I look at old scripts. But what I do is always Margaret Sanger that have been smuggled seek out shows that have never been done in in. Sanger established the organizations that would go on to become Planned ParentPortland or around Portland.”

Horn asks himself a lot of questions hood. Horn had his eyes set on the show for through the selection process. Is there a while and was surprised when Planned enough drama? Are there too many musi- Parenthood showed up in the news recently. cals? What do the season ticket holders want “It’s interesting how life and art collide someto see? What kind of shows can be done to times,” he says. Considering the current clireach out to the community? “Sometimes mate it is truly a timely choice.

Triangle is partnering with Staged!, these competing ideas don’t match each other,” says Horn. Finding audiences can be another theatre company in Portland, to tough. “Over the past 10 years there isn’t the produce Heathers in March. Yes, a staged ‘want factor’ to be at the theatre as in years production based of the popular 80’s movie. past. Many big playwrights of the past aren’t On the surface it’s a story about cruel popuwriting stuff. You don’t see Tony Kushner or lar high school girls and murder but HeathPaul Rudnick write shows like they used to.” ers deals with the heavy issues of teen suiHorn has been with Triangle Produc- cide and self-acceptance. Triangle Productions since the beginning and he’s seen a lot tions and Staged! reached out to Gay Straight of changes in both theatres audiences and Alliances in Portland Public Schools through LGBTQ people in Portland. “In the early 90s, OSSCC (Oregon Safe Schools) to offer $5.00 Triangle’s role was to do shows that pushed tickets to youth to see this production.

The next show in the line up is actually a the envelope with productions like Bent, Beirut, Falsettos, and Jeffrey amongst others. US premiere of a musical from United KingPeople used to come in leather, in drag, hold- dom, Liza, Liza, Liza. This musical about ing hands, kissing, and being them. It was Liza Minnelli features three actresses playlike the first community center for the LGBT ing Liza at three different ages through the community. With the introduction of the actor’s life. Horn worked hard to get this Internet things changed, people could talk show, “It took two years to get the producers with others without coming together, they in the UK to accept that a small company could view nudity, and discuss the issues at in Portland Oregon to premiere their show.” home.” But Horn still believes in the com- Fans of Minnelli will not want to miss this.

The season finishes up with a bang. Trianmunity aspect of theatre, “Come as you are.

Think about it like coming over to your friend gle landed the Green Day musical American Idiot. “Most people thought it was impossior families house for an evening.”

Still, one of the biggest hurdles to putting ble. But Triangle did it,” says Horn. This rock together a season is the fact that royalties opera uses the music of the popular punkfor shows have to be paid in advance. “This rock band to examine American life in a post season was almost $30,000. Paid one year 9/11 world. American Idiot was a nominabefore we even do the shows. Most people tion for best musical of the 64th Tony Awards.

During the 2016 season Triangle will don’t know that this is one of the challenges we face. We haven’t raised our ticket also be doing a series of readings called prices in four years and don’t have a ser- The Brown Paper Bag Series, four one-act vice charge. That curtails some of the shows plays written by African American women. that we could produce.” Horn believes that “The racial divide in this country is just as theatre should be for everyone, which also large as the gay divide,” says Horn, “Themeans it needs to be affordable. “We do it atre has to stand up and be the mirror to while paying our actors and technicians. I society. I believe that’s not triangle’s duties, believe we are still competitive with talent, but all arts.”

Horn feels optimistic about this season, lower than most on ticket prices, provide “The hope is that people get as excited free parking, and great theatre.”

This year Horn is focusing on bringing about this season as I am. Being 26 looks women’s stories to the stage. The season great!” pqmonthly.com

FEATURE

YOUR HALLOWEEN TO-BOO LIST!

By Daniel Borgen, PQ Monthly

It’s the most wonderful time of the year: queer Christmas! All Hallow’s Eve brings out the best—and most creative—Portland has to offer, and our city’s events and activities are always equal to the task. The gods and goddesses have blessed us with a Saturday holiday—how lovely— but your to-boo list begins well before the weekend gets underway.

A smattering of our best bets:

Thursday, October 29

“ The Rocky Horror Pastie Show ”: Miss Kennedy’s Theater of Burlesque brings back its fifth-annual nod to Rocky Horry to the historic Star Theater Portland. This epic program has become a tradition among Rocky Horror and burlesque fans alike. In case you missed them before and especially if you didn’t, you’ll truly be shivering with anticipation as they bring you a live stage adaptation of Rocky Horror with a little less dialogue and a LOT more T&A. Featuring: Grant Frey as Brad, Lovie Lane as Janet, Zo ra P h o e n i x a s Fra n k - N - Fu r t e r, To d A l a n a s Rocky, Sofia Flash as Magenta, MissAlex Kennedy as Columbia, Johnny Nuriel as Riff Raff, Lily Le Fauve as Dr. Scott, Dee Dee Pepper as Eddie, and Nina Nightshade as Trixie. And be sure to swing by Hollywood Vintage to pick up your fishnets, pearls, and platforms so you can walk away with some fancy prizes from

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our Rocky Horror costume contest. 8PM, Star Theater, 13 NW 6. $15 advance, $20 at the door, $25 VIP. Queer Horror: Nocturnal Submissions. The Hollywood Theatre’s bimonthly program QUEER HORROR crawls out of the crypt for Halloween with a new short film night. This holiday special is programmed through an open call for entries from filmmakers of all calibers. Carla Rossi–your hostess with the grossest–has a craving for more viewer-made content from our community–not just gritty, gory, and gay shorts, but sexy, scary, and stupid ones too! Grab a camera or a phone and let your nightmares loose–just nothing X-Rated (keep it hard R, please) and no real-life blood or violence. QUEER HORROR: NOCTURNAL SUBMISSIONS is coming to get you. Consider it a Shorty Shorts preview. 9:30PM, Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy. $8.

Friday, October 30

Ignite! Basic Rights Oregon has turned their annual gala into an epic Halloween bash! Complete with themed rooms, a costume contest, scary (ish) games, it is set to be one of the must-attend parties of the season. Brought to you in part

by Morel Ink, Nike, and Roundhouse Agency; tickets for this hosted shindig start at $100; go to http://www.basicrights. org/ for more ticket info.

Scary-Oke Nightmare: Karaoke, Drag, Burlesque, Hal-

loween, all wrapped up together in one night. Join Nikki Lev, Valerie DeVille, Bijoux Roux, Aurora Diane Owen, and many more at the Local Lounge for some serious fun on Halloween Eve: Friday October 30. There will be karaoke, drag and burlesque performances, costumed mayhem, raffle, drinking, all that good shit. Save the date, and stay tuned for more details. 9PM, Local Lounge, 3526 NE MLK.

Saturday, October 31

Q Center Spooktacular: Fun for the whole family. Q Center invites all LGBTQ families and allies to their annual Halloween celebration. There will be food, fun, games, crafts, storytelling, and much more. Come one, come all!

2PM-4PM, Q Center, 4115 N Mississippi.

Club Destiny presents: Bridge to Hell featuring Eli Escobar. Deejays Hold My Hand, Troubled Youth, and Buckmaster are joined by Eli Escobar: New York’s house and disco evangelist Eli Escobar has been a familiar face on the city’s scene for the last two decades. Whether tearing it up at clubs across the capital (and beyond) or throwing down super-charged disco bombs on labels like Nervous and Strictly Rhythm, Escobar rarely steps out of his four-four beat. As one third of the Tiki Disco parties in Bushwick, as well as running his own Night People label, Escobar has been putting his own twist on the city’s house and disco soundtrack, joining the dots between yesterday’s golden era classics and today’s club anthems. Bridge Club + Destiny at Dynasty + NYC = Halloween win. Plus: Shitney Houston, Chanti Darling, Stacy Stl Lisa, and many more. Do not miss this! 8PM, White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8. $10.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 7

FEATURE

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HOW TO BE A BI ALLY: TALK OPENLY ABOUT BI PEOPLE and intimate partner violence than gay, lesbian, and straight people. Bi women have significantly higher rates of violence both overall and by significant others, compared to lesbian and straight women.

Almost half of bisexual women will be raped in their lifetime, compared to 13% of lesbians and 17% of straight women. 61% percent of bisexual women will experience rape, physical violence and/or stalking by Bisexuals comprise more than half of the LGBT population, and the failure to account for and talk openly about bisexual lives and experiences an intimate partner, comis precisely why bi people lack social support and stay closeted. pared to 43% of lesbians and 35% of straight women.

Bisexual men also report higher rates of sexual violence.

By Cameron Kude, PQ Monthly Physical Health: Bisexual people suffer from poor physA few weeks ago I was working a booth at the farmers ical health at alarming rates. Disparities include the highmarket in Pioneer Square, when a woman walked by who est rates of hypertension, poor or fair physical health, and I immediately recognized as Oregon’s governor. She idled smoking. In a study of women aged 50-79, bisexual women at the booth next to mine to smell some flowers, so I seized had a 17.6% lifetime prevalence of cancer, compared to the opportunity. “Excuse me, are you Kate Brown?” I asked. 11.9% for straight women and 14.2% for lesbian women.

“No.” Said the woman blankly, without looking up from One study found that bisexual men reported higher rates the bouquets. “She’s the secretary of state, right? I don’t do of daily smoking and risky drinking. Bisexual youth are also at higher risk for substance abuse than their peers. politics.”

Mental Health: Studies also show deep disparities in “She’s our governor!” I exclaimed, filtering the phrase that actually came to mind: ‘she’s our badass bisexual gov- mental health. Bisexual women report the highest prevalence of PTSD amongst all women. Bisexuals have higher ernor!’

“Oh. Yeah, my hair isn’t that dark,” she said, finally suicide rates: one study found bisexuals were four times looking up. “...and she’s got a few years on me.” She flashed more likely (and lesbian and gay adults two times more me a big, kind smile and then walked off. I still don’t likely) to report attempted suicide than straight adults. know if the woman was a doppelgänger or if Governor Another study found that bisexual men were 6.3 times Brown just likes to screw with strangers who recognize more likely to seriously consider suicide in their lifetime (and gay men 4.1 times more likely) than straight men. A her in public.

I really wanted to speak with Governor Brown that day. recent study found that bisexual teens who reported suiI would have asked her if she knew about the 100+ bisex- cidal thoughts did not report a decrease in these thoughts ual activists from across the nation (including two Port- as they aged into adulthood, unlike their straight peers.

Openness of Identity: Despite the health disparities land locals) who were meeting with officials at the White House at that very moment—during day two of Bisexual mentioned above (and perhaps compounding them) bisexual people are less likely than gay men or lesbians to be Awareness Week.

Why were so many bi activists invited to go to the White out to their health care providers. Also compared to gay House? What did they discuss with members of the Obama men and lesbians, bisexuals are three times less likely to administration? Why is there a whole week for bisexual be open about their sexual orientation to the important awareness? Perhaps some findings released last month by people in their lives.

These are staggering figures. In light of these findings, it’s The Movement Advancement Project (lgbtmap.org) could shed some light. This compilation of studies has found, like no wonder that bisexual activists are being summoned to many recent studies that look at LGBT subgroups inde- the White House in droves. Bisexuals comprise more than pendently of one another, that bisexuals face more adver- half of the LGBT population, and the failure to account for sity than their straight and gay counterparts in the follow- and talk openly about bisexual lives and experiences is precisely why bi people lack social support and stay closeted. ing aspects of their lives: Employment: Bisexual people face more discrimina- I might never know if that woman at the farmers market tion in the workplace. While 20% of bisexuals experience was Kate Brown, but I wish I hadn’t filtered myself. She is a negative employment decision based on their sexuality, our badass bisexual governor, and I shouldn’t hesitate to almost 60% of bisexual people report hearing anti-bisex- say so—even to a complete stranger.

Bisexuals don’t just need an awareness week, they need ual jokes and comments on the job. Nearly half of bisexual people report that they are not out to any of their coworkers, an awareness shift, and it must start in the queer comcompared to less than a quarter of lesbian and gay people. munity. Next time you hear someone talking about how Poverty: 25% of bisexual men and 30% of bisexual bisexuals have it “easier” or get the best of both worlds, women live in poverty, compared to 15% to 21% of het- use some of these harrowing statistics to counter their erosexuals, 20% of gay men and 23% of lesbians. Bisexual bias. You don’t have to identify as bi to be a vocal bi ally.

Keep checking PQ Monthly for more from Bi Brigade, women are more likely to depend on financial assistance and keep up to date with Portland’s local bi+ community such as food stamps.

Violence: Bisexual people have higher rates of sexual at www.bibrigade.org. pqmonthly.com

NEWS FEATURE

WHY ARE WE VILIFYING DANNY PINTAURO?

Danny Pintauro played Jonathan Bower on the 80s hit “Who’s the Boss?”

By Tyler TerMeer, Cascade AIDS Project, ED

In April of 1984, Secretary of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced that Dr. Robert Gallo and his colleagues at the National Cancer Institute had found a cause for AIDS. This same announcement highlighted the development of a diagnostic blood test to identify the retrovirus and a hope that a vaccine against AIDS would be quickly produced. By years end 7,239 cases of AIDS would have been reported with 5,596 deaths in the United States. It was that same year that Tony Danza and Judith Light first graced our television screens as Tony and Angela on one of the most popular American sitcoms of the mid-to-late 1980s, “Who’s the Boss?”

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For those struggling or to young to remember, “Who’s the Boss?” was the story of a former second baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals who moved to Brooklyn with his daughter (Alyssa Milano), where he ends up taking a job in upscale Fairfield, Connecticut, as a live-in housekeeper for divorced advertising executive Angela Bower (Judith Light) and her son Jonathan (Danny Pintauro).

So I’m sure you are asking yourselves, why the throwback to 1980s sitcoms and what in the world does it have to do with the HIV!?

Recently, Daniel Pintauro, the actor who played Jonathan Bower on the ‘80s show, shared very personal news while on “Oprah: Where Are They Now?” Speaking with host Oprah Winfrey, the former child star, who previously publically came out as s gay man in 1997, revealed he’s been living with HIV for 12 years. In the interview, Daniel stated that he felt like he missed his chance to be a “beacon of light” to other gay people when he first came out, and is now speaking out about the dangers of mixing drugs and sex in an effort to prevent others from contracting the virus. Since that interview, Pintauro has appeared on an episode of “The View,” and revealed that he believes that his virus was contracted through oral sex.

After that disturbing interview on “The View,” I have continued to see people on my newsfeeds on social media sites vilify Danny Pintauro and it concerns me for several important reasons that I have felt compelled to share.

First: Danny has made an incredibly difficult decision to be open about his status. Fear, stigma, and discrimination remain a huge obstacle for people living with this disease.

It takes great courage to put yourself out there, especially when you are in the direct light of the media.

Second: Do I believe his claim about how he contracted HIV? It’s complicated. Contraction of the virus in this way is rare and is considered a low-risk mode of transmission, but that is not what really matters here... what matters is the power of our stories. Danny is young in his advocacy, but his lived experience and status still matters. He will find his way as an advocate... it can take time.

Finally, when did we all turn on one another!? If we are ever going to truly turn the tide of this epidemic, it will require a unified front. We all have to speak with passion and be willing to put ourselves out there, to share our stories and those stories of the people we have lost.

Am I happy with the way he was interviewed on “The View”? No, it was an embarrassment and degrading.

A m I u p s e t a b o u t h ow h e responded? I wish his response was more grounded in science.

Am I willing to vilify him for not being a more educated advocate?

That only hurts our movement.

As I said before, fear, stigma, and discrimination remain a huge obstacle for people living with this disease. It takes great courage to put yourself out there, especially when you are in the direct light of the media.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 9

NEWSHISTORY LGBT

LGBT HISTORY PROJECT ‘The Women of San Quentin’ Comes Amid Historic Changes

One of the people featured in “The Women of San Quentin” is Shiloh Quine.

By Seth Hemmelgarn, Special for PQ Monthly

A new book chronicling the lives of nine transgender women across the country who have been incarcerated comes amid historic progress for such prisoners.

“The Women of San Quentin: Soul Murder of Transgender Women in Male Prisons,” by Kristin Schreier Lyseggen, was released in September.

Schreier Lyseggen, who lives in Berkeley, Calif., traveled around the United States to speak with incarcerated trans women about their experiences with rape, assault and trying to get access to hormones.

On one front, at least, there has been some good news, as California prison officials recently announced they would provide gender-affirming surgery for a transgender inmate.

Additionally, a transgender woman in Georgia was recently released, apparently due to pressure form a lawsuit.

But Schreier Lyseggen, who didn’t give her age, indicated, despite progress, problems are likely to persist for many people.

“In order to find solutions, we have to see, how did these people end up in prison in the first place?” Schreier Lyseggen said, adding, “it is a race issue. Transgender women of color are suffering the most. They are down at the bottom of the caste system we have,” frequently struggling with a lack of employment, health care and other problems.

Asked about solutions, Schreier Lyseggen said, “First, we have to make them safe. We can’t just sit and watch them being raped.”

She added, “People like me who are white, privileged and straight” need to “start getting involved and not treat

10 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

these people as second- and third-class citizens.”

One of the people featured in “The Women of San Quentin” is Shiloh Quine.

In August, the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation reached a groundbreaking settlement with Quine, 56, to provide surgery and other medical care.

“After so many years of almost giving up on myself, I will finally be liberated from the prison within a prison I felt trapped in, and feel whole, both as a woman and as a human being,” Quine said in a news release from the Oakland-based Transgender Law Center, which has been helping to represent Quine.

Quine has been serving a term of life without the possibility of parole since 1981 after being convicted in Los Angeles County for first-degree murder, kidnapping and robbery. She’s being held in Mule Creek State Prison, a men’s facility in Ione, Calif.

According to the book, Quine wrote to Schreier Lyseggen that she’d told police in 1980 “that the gun used to murder someone was hers, even though it wasn’t. She was serving a life sentence without the possibility of parole for a murder she said she did not commit.”

In its news release, Flor Bermudez, TLC’s detention project director, said, “Ms. Quine will be the first transgender inmate in the country to receive gender-affirming surgery while incarcerated, to our knowledge.”

TLC executive director Kris Hayashi said, “This historic settlement is a tremendous victory, not just for Shiloh and transgender people in prison, but for all transgender people who have ever been denied medical care or basic recognition of our humanity just because of who we are.”

In an email, CDCR spokesman Jeffrey Callison said officials treat situations like Quine’s on a “case-by-case basis.”

Callison said his agency “evaluates every case individually and, in the Quine case, every medical doctor and mental-health clinician who has reviewed this case, including two independent mental-health experts, determined that this surgery is medically necessary for Quine.”

In a phone interview last month, CDCR spokeswoman Terry Thornton noted another part of the settlement is

that the agency’s policy will allow transgender people access to all the items listed in prison catalogs.

“If a transgender inmate wants female items, and she’s in a male institution, she’ll have access to those items as well now,” Thornton said.

Another woman Schreier Lyseggen profiled has also been in the news recently.

Ashley Diamond, 37, is suing the Georgia Department of Corrections for denying her hormone treatments, which she had received before being incarcerated, and a safe environment, according to the Southern Poverty Law Center.

Diamond was released in August from Augusta State Medical Prison after serving almost three years of an 11-year sentence for “a nonviolent offense,” according to SPLC, which filed a lawsuit on Diamond’s behalf in February.

The organization said in a news release that Diamond had been housed with male prisoners and was “sexually assaulted eight times.”

Diamond was going to be up for parole this fall, but SPLC attributed her release to the lawsuit.

“I’m overjoyed to be with my family again and out of harm’s way,” Diamond said in the nonprofit’s statement. “Although the systematic abuse and assaults I faced for more than three years have left me emotionally and physically scarred, I’ll continue to fight for justice and to shine a light on the gross mistreatment of transgender inmates in Georgia and nationwide.”

Facing scrutiny, GDC has “revised its gender-dysphoria policy and adopted new guidelines to provide constitutionally appropriate treatment,” SPLC said, and the state agency agreed to give Diamond access to hormones. However, the dosage was “inadequate for months,” the group said.

GDC spokeswomen didn’t respond to the Bay Area Reporter’s requests for comment.

In response to an emailed question about why she used San Quentin in her book’s title, Schreier Lyseggen said, among other reasons, the northern California institution “has been a symbol of prison life in America,” and two of the women she wrote about have been incarcerated there.

Seth Hemmelgarn is an assistant editor at the Bay Area Reporter. He can be reached at s.hemmelgarn@ebar.com.

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COASTAL BEAUTY AT EDEN PNW 2015

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Year Three of Eden PNW, the awesome event held in Seaside, Oregon October 1-4, 2015, proved to be even better than the previous two years. As the person who has visualized this event since 1983, which was the first time I set foot in Seaside and thought what a great place to have an event for Lesbians and our friends. As Co-Founder of the event, along with Christine De La Rosa of Eden Events, Melanie Davis of Proud Queer Monthly, and Sarah Toce of the Seattle Lesbian, it has been a personal goal to make Eden PNW Weekend a beautiful and memorable experience for Lesbians, Trans Women, and all who want to enjoy life with us.

In our third year, we can proudly say this was the best yet!

The weekend started with a “Meet-n-Greet” hosted by Molly Morgan’s a fantastic jewelry store on Broadway. The Team at Molly Morgan’s treats us like gold (no pun intended). They provide wine and yummies to nosh on, including the delicious fudge from “The Buzz” candy shop (the most wellstocked candy store you will ever see), while we browse their amazing inventory of jewelry from around the world, the attentive staff is beautifully dressed and with genuine smiles make sure that each of us felt very welcomed.

Afterward we all went to dinner together at Finn’s. This year a friend of mine, a British woman, Camilla Leathem, who lives and works in Berlin, Germany, came to visit the USA for the first time. What a great way to introduce her to the North Oregon Coast! At Finn’s, Camilla tried and enjoyed Clam Chowder for the first time. There have been many “American Firsts”, all the way from Sea Lions to Salt Water Taffy, for Camilla this trip—but that is a different story. The Eden PNW attendees made sure that Camilla had a blast. On Friday, Annette Hadaway, an official hike leader for the Mazamas, took our hikers on a great hike with views of the Pacific Ocean. Later in the day, Sam Love, guided some of the attendees in a “Paint & Wine” class.

Set in the quaint Mary Blake House at the Chisholm Community Center, Sam helps everyone create a masterpiece.

With plenty of time to enjoy Seaside, the beach, Astoria, and Cannon Beach, we all come together at dusk on the Seaside beach for our Bonfire. This is a great time where everyone connects around the warmth of a crackling fire, laughing and enjoying the company of other Eden PNW-ers. S’more kits are passed around for everyone to create this yummy treat (another first for Camilla—our Brit—she loved them) Mona Webb hosts the “Lantern Release” which is a time for people to connect with their “Eden”. Eden is a place of complete love and acceptance, where we all come together to truly be together in friendship, happiness, and enjoyment of the beauty that surrounds us. Maybe this sounds too woowoo for you? Don’t let it. Eden PNW is about having a blast, together. Women and friends of all walks of life, all ages, all parts of the world together enjoying exciting excursions and the beauty of our beloved Oregon Coast.

Saturday morning provided a walk on the beach or a more strenuous hike by Annette Hadaway. One could see the Eden guests roaming around Seaside getting coffee and going to breakfast together. Many new friendships were created. At 11:30am, you could either go on the “Ale Trail” to Astoria or the “Wine & Cheese Excursion” down toward Tillamook. Both tours provided a great time.

The Ale Trail started with Alix Daggatt, a Brew Meister at Ft. George Brewery, giving the guests a great tour— complete with samples—of the brewing process at Ft. George. We ate awesome pizza and left with a complimentary Growler filled with our favorite Ft. George Bier!

The Wine & Cheese Tour, guides Terry Sok and Jean Morelos, take a bus filled with Eden PNW guests down to the Tillamook cheese factory, Blue Heron cheese factory, and several wineries. A few hours later, you could hear the bus coming before you even saw it because everyone was singing and making noise together. Chef Charleen Caabay, of Kainbigan in Oakland, hosted a cooking class on Filipino food. Massage and Reflexology therapists were available for those who wanted to tap into their “Eden” in a serene space.

Saturday night we all gathered for dinner from Angelina’s at the local Elks Lodge, a stellar comedy show boasting Irene Tu, Lisa Koch, and Marga Gomez, and a great dance with DJ Wildfire of Inferno! There is nothing more bonding than eating, laughing, and dancing together. The comedy show is probably my favorite part of Eden PNW. I enjoy hearing all of us laugh together. You could feel the camaraderie and recognize the common denominator that the Comediennes brings to the show: laughing at the silliness of ourselves. Humor is probably one of the most powerful ways to bring people together and at Eden PNW, there is a lot of laughing going on all weekend. After we laughed our asses off, we then got to dance our asses off to the tracks of DJ Wildfire. Wildfire always provides an excellent dance.

This year we had an “Eden PNW First”…we had a proposal of marriage. It was beautiful. Rachel Vasquez got down on one knee and proposed to Shavon Slack. Of course Shavon said yes! And, what a gorgeous ring Rachel put on her!

The Eden PNW Team hopes to have many more proposals and marriages happen at future Eden PNW events. Such a wonderful day.

Sunday provides us with a great brunch at McKeown’s and an opportunity to say “until next year” to each other.

At brunch, we provide an “early-bird special” for Eden PNW 2016. Our numbers have grown 10-fold since 2013, our first year. This is a fantastic time for you to enjoy the beautiful Oregon Coast with your friends and future friends you have not even met yet. Next year will have a few new excursions! Come make life-time memories with us October 6-9, 2016 in gorgeous Seaside, Oregon. You will have the time of your life. www.EdenPNW.com pqmonthly.com

EMBODY

Broke Bodies

By Sossity Chiricuzio, PQ Monthly

I have a body like a weather vane, right ankle signaling cold weather with sharp accuracy, right shoulder attuned to deep rains. I have a body like sonar, sounding out dead spaces in medical knowledge. I have a body like tarot, signaling imminent changes.

I made my peace with chronic pain decades ago, arthritis at 18 and a life of physical labor didn’t leave much choice. We’ve always been comrades in the fight, my body and I, though providing for us both is no easy task. It’s not enough to have a roof and walls, light and heat and water and a door that locks. It’s not enough to eat regularly, and even have protein and produce and bread that isn’t filler. These are the basics that keep a wage laborer laboring, though of course, even these aren’t guaranteed.

I did ten hour workdays on a breakfast of Ramen; four months of graveyards on peanut butter and Roman Meal; six years of college serving good food to everyone else while scrambling to do homework and pay rent and get to class, missing semesters due to work related injuries. Swallowing insults, swallowing anger, swallowing words. They make an acid in the belly, corrode the heart, crack fractures in teeth and nail and bone.

All the while I’m trying to live in it like home.

I’m good at cobbling things together and am highly motivated, and I’ve managed to build a life for myself where I get many of my basic alternative body needs met in fair trade. The Western Medicine infrastructure, however, is still mostly a vast frustration studded with fragments of care.

I’ve been shelling out money for dental insurance I can’t afford because teeth are important and mine are already compromised. A molar broke in my sleep last week, probably from stress clenching because I’m broke and life is expensive. I thought I was finally playing the game right because I only had to wait a week for an appointment and the insurance rep assured me that fillings are covered. I pushed through the dental anxiety and went in, only to find out my tooth is so bad off I need a crown, but my insurance doesn’t cover that until you’ve been paying a full year, and that makes the filling not just a filling so it’s not covered after all.

I’m sitting in the chair doing the math, and the out of pocket cost is greater than my whole checking account, and I know I’m leaving with this same broken tooth.

The dentist is very nice about the options with no class shaming but there’s really no way around it. They offered to file down the sharp edges for free so I don’t make mincemeat of my inner cheek while hustling ‘extra’ money for the next two months and I swallowed my pride along with that bone dust and said thank you.

This is the reality. Random acts of kind-

FEATURE FEATURES

Photo by J Tyler Huber.

VOICES

ness from health c a r e p r ov i d e r s , themselves working around the system. Off book barter for herbs and medicine and massage. Deferring doctor visits whenever common sense and time off will do. Grateful for an uncomfortable day on the couch and a can of soup.

Grateful to have a job where time off is even an option, despite the lost wages.

Other times I’ve just had to downplay the limp, poker face the pain spike, offer to clean the bathroom for a break from heavy lifting, wish that I liked peanuts better since it’s all they have at the gas station across the street. Buy peanuts on my break anyhow because I’m light headed and the day is only half done. Walk home because I bought the peanuts with my bus money. Collapse and wish someone would rub my feet, knees, back, neck, head.

How has a nation literally built on bodies managed to convince us that the care of bodies is not their problem, but rather their profit? Why do we have to buy back our health? Who decided parceling out our sex and organs and extremities and bones and senses and teeth and skin and minds was a smart choice?

Not the midwives. Not the witches or the crones or the medicine men. Not the curanderas or the traditional healers or that compassionate grandmother with a just in case garden of pennyroyal and feverfew and mugwort.

We are stretching out tired hands into the past, looking for answers, spreading them like passkeys: Bone broth. Fermentation. Elderberry. Echinacea. Learning the spellings, the leaf patterns, the chemistry, the properties.

Learning how to borrow and share, not plunder and steal. Learning our own anatomy, chasing down a Charlie Horse in the arch of the tired foot, the curve of the aching calf.

Startled out of sleep and trying to run away from your own body. Trying to remember if it’s bananas or tomatoes you’re supposed to eat, wondering if you can afford them.

Rubbing and rubbing at the knot of muscle that is stress grappling with rage. At your temples where the migraine lurks. At the small of back, the bend of neck, the bone deep flex of forearm or fingers. The snap, the crackle, the twinge. The sigh and the wince.

Our overworked bodies. Our underinsured bodies. Our plate carrying, pot scrubbing, paint rolling, child tending, stuff lifting, floor cleaning, caretaking, customer serving bodies. Our sex working bodies. Our veteran bodies. Our sorrowful way down low bodies. Our poisoned bodies. Our misfit bodies. Our bodies that move differently.

The system would have us buy and hoard, alone in the struggle for the rest of our lives. What I want to know is how we can help each other survive.

End note: If you have topics you’d like me to cover, products you’d like me to review, people you’d like to hear from, or resources to share, please get in touch! sossity@pqmonthly.com pqmonthly.com

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 13

VOICES

FINDING LEO: MY CROTCH & MY FAITH

By Leo Bancroft, Special for PQ Monthly

Disclaimer: This is my own story and not intended to depict all trans experiences. You probably knew that already.

As I write this, I am lying in my bathtub, one leg draped over the side of the tub, and I look over my naked body.

I am a trans man, assigned female at birth, and have been transitioning socially, hormonally, and surgically for over a year.

In the tub, I admire my legs that are hairier. You know, dude hairy. Testosterone shots in my thigh every week have done their magic, and I am quite pleased with the result.

Testosterone has done other things: deepening my voice, giving me one chest hair (one!), and acne. Even my hands and feet have changed a little. I’ve always had large hands and wide feet for a woman, but now, as male, they just make sense. How do I explain to my cis friends that my hands and feet now seem right on my own body?

I scoot down in the bathtub so my shoulders are covered, and then cross my arms behind my head, admiring my flat chest.

The scars from my top surgery are fading, and the experience is a distant memory.

I feel contentment with a chest that fits. I wish every trans person who needed surgery had access and funding. I am grateful I was able to borrow from my 401k to pay for relief from the mental anguish over intrusive body parts that did not belong.

I look with gratitude at my naked body that has carried me through this world for 40 years. I admire my arms growing stronger from aerial classes. I wiggle my toes in the water; I am happy. But then, there is one source of continued anguish, my lack of penis.

This is not something I enjoy talking about, but a deeply private source of pain.

Many times I wish I could live a stealth life, in which I never had to disclose that I am trans. But I feel compelled to share my reflections as an advocate and theologian, and to stand by my personal slogan, “no fear, no shame, no stigma.”

Sigh. I dread being attracted to someone and then revealing that I don’t have the genitalia they expect or desire. When acquaintances talk about the pain of getting hit in the groin, I nod knowingly while hoping they don’t realize I am trans. I wish I could use the men’s urinals. As often as I think about sex (often!), I think … if only I could experience it with a penis. I feel uncomfortable and sad when people gush about the wonders of a dick, which happens regularly in my experience. Surgery is not an option 14 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

for me right now, considering the cost and physical recovery time.

So why do I bring it up here? People ask me, as a person of faith, if saying that I am transgender means God made a mistake. The emotional distress of gender dysphoria is real, and yet Christianity has been hijacked and used to bully the LGBT community.

People have used their belief in God to tell the trans community that we are mangling or butchering our bodies, defying God’s will for nature’s plan, or that we are sinful or confused.

That, my friends, is bullshit.

How can I say this?

Because God is not an asshole (though I respect your right to disagree).

I am trans, and I didn’t choose this. My body and experiences do not match what my brain says they should be, which can be miserable. God did not do this to me to punish me, and God did not make a mistake when creating me. God does not rejoice in my sorrow, nor does God despise me for finding ways to survive, i.e. transitioning.

Why am I trans? Did God make me trans?

I don’t even know how wireless Internet works, so I don’t expect myself to know how to explain the mystery of the human body.

And I’m ok with not knowing. There are no easy answers. But I don’t believe God made a mistake, in the same way I don’t blame God for the death of my loved ones, for earthquakes, or for world hunger. I may shake my fist at God in anger or frustration, but still not believe God caused these things.

Paradox and mystery describe the trans experience for me. Being trans is both a blessing and curse. It is the wisdom of having walked in two genders, and an interesting adventure learning a second gender.

Being trans is also a source of despair. It is a mystery why I am this way, and yet it is. It is.

It’s none of my business if you believe in God. I think you’re still awesome. In my beliefs, God delights in the diversity of creation and treasures each one of us. We all belong. Our lives, our journeys, our bodies are all unique. That is a gift.

So now I climb out of the bathtub and onto my soapbox. No matter what, you have worth and dignity. You are precious, and beautiful, and mysterious.

My own gender dysphoria is sometimes a struggle. The distress is real, but so is my joy in our community, my love of learning trapeze, my delight in the beauty in the world, my conviction that trans people are a blessing, and my knowledge that my faith is big enough for one such as me. pqmonthly.com

COMMUNITY

TOWN CRIER—COMMUNITY ANNOUNCEMENTS! Since our print pages are limited, our Town Crier fea- Armen gives a young trans* Armenian a mentor and her- missioned work developed from an idea to have the elders to ture affords us an opportunity to pack lots of diverse infor- oine to project their own pain of exile and exclusion onto: share inspirations and visions with the youth. Mr. Puggarana, a mation into a small space. Community events, news, and someone to mirror some of their own search and an echo recent graduate of Grant High School and incoming freshman more—you’ll find a wide variety of the good stuff in these from the past that they are not alone. Armen becomes a lit- at Portland State University, produced and directed the film. features. You can send your announcements to Daniel@ erary friend and figure absent from the young Garo’s life, The worship service and fellowship will conclude a PQMonthly.com or Info@PQMonthly.com. and together their poetic search for self-expression, artis- weekend of celebration that begins with Ainsworth in the On the artistic front: Dear Armen is interactive the- tic innovation, and cultural connection blend into a poetry City on Saturday, October 17, 2015 from 6-10PM at the ater integrating a blend of monologue, Armenian dance, of words, movement, and music. This production’s hope is Crown Plaza Convention Center, 1441 NE 2 Ave., Portland. erotic performance, and live music. Dear Armen follows to connect these stories with both Armenian and non-ArFinally, in song: opening their 36th season, The Portthe story of a genderqueer writer and student, Garo, as menian audiences, and in particular, to reach those who land Gay Men’s Chorus presents their biennial Classical they study the life and work of Armen Ohanian, an enig- see themselves on the fringes, and who are searching for Concert on Sunday, October 25, 3PM at Kaul Auditorium matic Armenian performer and survivor of the early representations of themselves on the stage and in stories. on the campus of Reed College. The Classical Concert will 20th-century anti-Armenian pogroms in Baku. As Garo Visit DearArmen.com for tickets. Performance Works NW, feature a chamber ensemble, soloists and instrumentalgrapples with the discrepancies between Ohanian’s biog- 4625 SE 67 Ave. 8PM. ists selected from the 130 voices of PGMC. Directed by raphy and memoirs, they are forced PGMC Conducting Associate Mary to confront memories from the past, McCarty, the concert will include unraveling experiences around works by composers Rossini, Verdi, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, family, Schubert, and Chopin in addition to and the role of the artist. An interthe world premiere of Lacrimosa by active-theatre experience blendPGMC singer/composer Amir Shiing traditional Armenian dance, razi. Featured soloists include Erik erotic performance, monologue Gullickson, Jimmy Wilcox and Derand live music, Dear Armen weaves rick Becker. together the voices and struggles of Guest artists Portland Boychoir, three generations of gender nondirected by former PGMC Conducconforming Armenians. Unveiling tor and lifetime member David York, fragmented legacies of genocide and will perform works by Lassus and displacement, the narrative kalei- Finally, in song: opening their 36th season, The Portland Gay Men’s Chorus presents their biennial Classical Concert on Sunday, October 25, 3PM at Kaul Auditorium Adams. The two choirs will join doscopes stories that highlight the on the campus of Reed College. forces for Purcell and In Paradiso On the more spiritual front: Ainsworth united Church from York’s Requiem. Ticket prices start at $16 and are availcomplexities of survival.

Dear Armen is an audience-interactive theatre expe- of Christ Celebrates 30 years. On Sunday, October 18, 2015, able at tickets.pdxgmc.org. Student and group discounts rience inspired by the life of Armen Ohanian, an enig- Ainsworth United Church of Christ, 2941 NE Ainsworth Street are available by calling 503/226-2588. matic Armenian performer and poet; integrating Arme- in Portland, will celebrate its 30th anniversary as a multiraThe Portland Gay Men’s Chorus aspires to expand, redenian dance, erotic performance, and spoken word. Oha- cial, multicultural, open and affirming congregation with a fine, and perfect the choral art through eclectic perfornian’s story and spirit are embodied in the characters and special worship service 10 AM and followed by a luncheon. mances that honor and uplift the gay community and The community is invited to join the congregation to affirm the worth of all people. weaved throughout the narrative, invoking the power and complexity of historical and contemporary Armenian iden- remember and recall the brave steps taken by Christians The world’s leading experts in transgender surgery to tities. Through experimental theatre and interdisciplinary to charter a church that was committed to being an inten- gather in Boston. performance, we reincarnate Ohanian’s life and spirit with tionally diverse community dedicated to prayer, social jusThe latest techniques and advances in transgender surmovement and sound – demonstrating her ability to trans- tice, and fellowship. Ainsworth United Church of Christ is gery will the subject of various sessions at this year’s scienform herself and the audience’s perception of theatre and a multiracial, multicultural, open and affirming congre- tific conference, Plastic Surgery: The Meeting, the Amerithe erotic. The show will uncover the life of this incredibly gation whose mission is to serve its local and global com- can Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) announced today. productive and unconventional artist, recover the legacy munities, advocating for justice, serving those in need and The meeting, which will be held October 16 through of a woman who brought innovation to Armenian theatre, providing an extravagant welcome to all in worship, fellow- 20 in Boston, has been skillfully developed to provide an and connect her story to contemporary histories of per- ship and celebration. extraordinary experience to plastic surgeons, residents, The congregation has been a beacon of light and extrava- and other individuals interested in bringing the most leadformers from various genres.

Dear Armen centers the struggles and successes of gant welcome in the Portland community for thirty years. The ing, cutting-edge technology to their practices and their queer, trans* and gender nonconforming Armenians, church provides a welcoming safe space for various commu- patients. The goal is enhanced patient satisfaction and exploring the intersections of identity, history, and cul- nity groups to gather including the EMO HIV Day Center, Port- enhanced surgical outcomes. tural memory. By remembering Armen Ohanian, Dear land Lesbian Choir, 12 step organizations and others. Through “Gender confirmation surgery is an evolving area in Armen brings to the fore an avant-garde Armenian figure the congregation’s support of the United Church of Christ it plastic surgery. To date, most plastic surgeons are unfamilwho is too little discussed or remembered, and highlight advocates for justice globally, provides assistance for disaster iar with gender dysphoria and the role of surgery,” Scot B. the parallels that exist between her story and contempo- impacted peoples and helps transform lives.

Glasberg, MD, President of the American Society of PlasAn adult choir made up of current and former members, tic Surgeons, said. “At this year’s sessions, our surgeons rary experiences. In so doing, this work hopes to break through memoricide, ensuring more of our cultural mem- will sing special music, and a youth and children’s choir will and allied health professionals will gather the important ories are passed down and used to help heal the intergen- sing “We Are The World’. The celebration will conclude with knowledge to enable them to advance in the discipline.” erational trauma left by genocide and displacement. In a luncheon and the premiere of the short documentary, ‘The Compiled by Daniel Borgen bringing Armen Ohanian to our protagonist Garo, Dear Legacy of Ainsworth UCC” by Noah Puggarana. This com-

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OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 15

FEATURE GET OUT WEDDINGS

1

VOICES STYLE DECONSTRUCTED

SEE MORE HALLOWEEN EVENTS ON PAGE 7.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 15

PQ Monthly Press Party.

Mix and mingle with the makers of and the writers from your favorite queer newsmagazine. Come join us in celebrating the September edition of PQ Monthly, fresh off the presses, while enjoying the ample charms of one Want more? We’ll give you of our favorite new hot clubs, ever ything. Head over to Stag. If you’ve never been pqmonthly.com and check (or even if you have!), here’s out our online calendar of your chance to check out events , submit your own the lovely, lodge-styled envievents, and peruse photos rons, grab a drink, mingle with friends from your reporters-aboutand make new ones. Good times all town. Also, remember to carefully examine our weekly around. 5 p.m., Portland Mercado, weekend forecast — with the 7239 SE Foster. Free, as always. latest and greatest events — About this month’s press party: This each Wednesday (sometimes month the PQ Monthly Press Party will Thursday), online only. be joining the Portland Mercado cele--DANIEL BORGEN brating Hispanic Heritage month and the grand opening of “El Espiritu del Emprendedor”, an exhibit highlighting Latino culture through entrepreneurship in our region. The exhibition dates back to the 1800s, well before the census data recognized Latinos as an important piece of the cultural and business landscape in Oregon.

GET

OUT!

2

EVERY SUNDAY

Drag Brunch: Testify at Stag with Alexis Campbell Starr. From 11 a.m. until 3 p.m. every Sunday, Ms. Starr brings you the city’s hottest drag performers, drink specials (5 for $5 mimosas, $5 American Harvest Bloody Marys), and tasty brunch—all in the city’s hottest new bar.

Be there promptly at 11, children. Ms. Starr demands it; and she brings so many guests.

Stag, 317 NW Broadway.

Samuel’s Hangover Happy Hour. Bloody Marys, friends, food, beats by Art of Hot and guests. It is an excellent recovery scenario.

Mingle with queers in a very chill setting. 2 p.m.-7 p.m., Euphoria, 315 SE Third. Free.

Superstar Divas. Bolivia Carmichaels, Honey Bea Hart, Topaz Crawford, Isaiah Tillman, and guest stars perform your favorite pop, Broadway, R&B, rock, and country hits. Dance floor opens after the show. Check out the newest and freshest Diva hits, plus a variety of diverse talent. 8 p.m., CC Slaughters, 219 NW Davis.

Free!

DANCE

IT OUT

16 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 17

Lumbertwink returns! It’s hard to believe it’s nearly time to begin thinking about Halloween, but it absolutely is. And here: Lumbertwinks! We are finally back for our Fall party in Portland at Funhouse Lounge.

Sport some wood at Lumbertwink and get dressed up in plaid or full Halloween costume. Deejay Freddy King of Pants (SEA) and Bridge Club and Polari’s Pocket Rock-It. 9 p.m., Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE Eleventh.

Stranger Disco: Four of your favorites team up at one of your favorites. As summer wanes, you’ll enjoy Vendetta’s gorgeous patio one last time. (Oh, who are we kidding, we’ll be there all winter.) Regardless: come dance to the queerest tunes this side of the Mississippi. Stormy Roxx, Sapho, Vera Rubin, and Roy G Biv will make you move on the makeshift dance floor. There will be atmospherics, soundscapes, visuals, lights, and, of course, the best vibes around (that’s where you come in). Be nice to Vendetta’s neighbors, queers, we’d all like to keep having parties there. 9 p.m., Vendetta, 4306 N Williams. $5. Hi art, hi fashion, hello queers.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 18-MONDAY, OCTOBER 19

A staged reading of a new work by PDX playwright Leela Ginelle, “The Queers” is a darkly comedic

EVERY MONDAY

Family Home Evening. A weekly, post-work lounge party every Monday night at Vault, featuring DJ Orographic (Bridge Club, Queerlandia) and occasional special guests (Sappho fills in now and then).

Jens Irish serves you happy hour all the live long night. 7 p.m.-11 p.m., Vault, 226 NW 12.

EVERY WEDNESDAY

Amateur night at Stag PDX, though they won’t look like amateurs, trust. Hosted by Godiva Devyne, come gawk at the pretty dancers. And talk some shit with the Devyne Ms. G. 9 p.m., Stag PDX, 317 NW Broadway.

EVERY THURSDAY

Hip Hop Heaven. Bolivia Carmichaels hosts this hip-hop-heavy soiree night every Thursday night at CCs. Midnight guest performers and shows. Remember those midnight shows at The City? Bolivia does! 9 p.m., CC Slaughters, 219 NW Davis. Free.

FIRST SATURDAYS

Sugar Town. DJ Action Slacks. Keywords: Soul, polyester. Great place to find the ladies, to mingle, to get your groove on. 9 p.m., The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42. $5.

SECOND TUESDAYS

Bi Bar—every second Tuesday at Crush, and it’s an open,

farce about the struggle of being trans in a transphobic society.

Featuring: Alfie Padilla, Joli St. Patrick, Bryony Nesbitt, Kaj Jensen Sarah Yeakel, Sunsong Firedancer, Sami Jensen, Doc Luben; directed by Sarah Gehring, and presented with generous support fr Ronni Lacroute and Portland Playhouse. 8 p.m., Portland Playhou 602 NE Prescott.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23

Club Kai-Kai: Give me a beat; 5,4,3,2,1…It’s Club Kai-Kai time! Here’s the deal/plan/agenda/lunch-lady special: Dancing, heaving breathing, sweating, and impromptu drag performances by the Kweens/ Kings of the night, and most importantly YOU (get up on that stage, feel the fuck out of that floor, let your inner-self feel and serve whatever-the-fuck it is you want to serve and feel)! This is a house-party, drag on acid, circuit-party-goth-90s-where’s-my-drink-kween scenario. This month they have a Canadian takeover with two Vancouver supermodels, a PDX housewife and the homewrecker that ruined said housewives life, and a DJ from a club on a bridge that’s totes gay; to keep your body moving like a ZUMBA class on steroids taught by Richard Simmons dressed as Lady Bunny. 9 p.m., Lovecraft, 421 SE Grand.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24

Blow Pony’s Eighth Annual Homoween! Featuring Zeb Katz (first time in our fair city) & Gula’s House of Whore hosted by Dieana Dae, a slew of beloved deejays, and the filthy queer fun you’ve come to know and love. This party demands you get your swamp witch glamour on.

bi-affirming space for music and mingling. Correction: Bi/Pan/Flui Queer. 8 p.m., Crush, 1400 SE Morrison.

SECOND FRIDAYS

Slo Jams is a Queer Modern R&B & Neo Soul Dance Night at Local Lounge. DJ II TRILL (TWERK) and DJ MEXXX-TAPE lay down everything from Mary J // Jagged Edge// Keyshia to Badu//Lauryn Etc. 10 p.m., Local Lounge, 3536 NE MLK. $5.

SECOND SATURDAYS

Hot Flash: Inferno. (Second and Fourth Saturdays) In the heart Portland is where the women are—dan ing the night away and burning up danc floors the second and fourth Saturdays every month at Trio. Welcoming all wom queers, and their allies. DJ Lauren joins Wildfire, and this night features dancers from up and down the I-5 corridor. 6 p.

10 p.m., Trio, 909 E. Burnside.

THIRD WEDNESDAYS

Comedy at Crush: Our own Belinda Carroll and a slew of local rustle up some funny. Special guests, and Crush’s signature cock and food menus. Donations, sliding scale. (Comics have to eat an drink, too, so give!) 9 p.m., Crush, 1400 SE Morrison.

Queens of the Night: Alexis Campbell Starr. That’s all you need to know. But there’s more: she always welcomes a special slew of talented queens for a night that takes Hip-Hop from beginning to pqmonthly.com

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p.m., Euphoria, 314 SE 3. $7 before 10 p.m., $10 after.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 29

“The Rocky Horror Pastie Show”: Miss Kennedy’s Theater of Burlesque brings back its fifth-annual nod to Rocky Horry to the historic Star Theater Portland. This epic program has become a tradition among Rocky Horror and burlesque fans alike.

In case you missed them before and especially if you didn’t, you’ll truly be shivering with anticipation as they bring you a live stage adaptation of Rocky Horror with a little less dialogue and a LOT more T&A. Featuring: Grant Frey as Brad, Lovie Lane as Janet, Zora Phoenix as Frank-N-Furter, Tod Alan as Rocky, Sofia Flash as Magenta, MissAlex Kennedy as Columbia, Johnny Nuriel as Riff Raff, Lily Le Fauve as Dr. Scott, Dee Dee Pepper as Eddie, and Nina Nightshade as Trixie. And be sure to swing by Hollywood Vintage to pick up your fishnets, pearls, and platforms so you can walk away with some fancy prizes from our Rocky Horror costume contest. 8PM, Star Theater, 13 NW 6. $15 advance, $20 at the door, $25 VIP. Queer Horror: Nocturnal Submissions. The Hollywood Theatre’s bimonthly program QUEER HORROR crawls out of the crypt for Halloween with a new short film night. This holiday special is programmed through an open call for entries from filmmakers of all calibers. Carla Rossi–your hostess with the grossest–has a craving for more viewer-made content from our community–not just gritty, gory, and gay shorts, but sexy, scary, and stupid ones too! Grab a camera or a phone and let your nightmares loose–just nothing

end. 8 p.m., Local Lounge, 3536 NE MLK. Free.

THIRD THURSDAYS

Polari. Troll in for buvare. Back-in-the-day language, music, and elegance. An ease-youinto-the-weekend mixer. Bridge Club boys make the music. Bridge and tunnel patrons have no idea what to do with us when we pour in. Hint: it’s always the Thursday we go to press. What serendipitous fortune! 10 p.m., Vault, 226 NW 12. Free.

THIRD SATURDAYS

Burlescape! Burlesque & boylesque wrapped in a taste of tease! Zora Phoenix, Isaiah Esquire, Tod Alan. (And there’s more than that, kids.) Zora is a treat and a treasure—and so are her shows.

Try one out! 9 p.m., Crush, 1400 SE Morrison. $10. We’re featuring all of Zora’s events online, so get on the net.

Gaycation: DJ Charming always welcomes special guests—and here you’ll find everything lesbian, gay, and in between. Be early so you can actually get a drink. Sweaty deliciousness, hottest babes. THE party. Yes, boys, even you can hit on Mr. Charming. We know you want to. 9 p.m., Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison. $5.

Undergear: Eagle Portland’s monthly underwear, jock, mankini, etc., fetish party every third Saturday.

Free if you arrive before 9 p.m. or if you use free clothes check upon entry after. After 9 p.m. arrivals who do not check clothes must pay $5 entry. pqmonthly.com

X-Rated (keep it hard R, please) and no real-life blood or violence. QUEER HORROR: NOCTURNAL SUBMISSIONS is coming to get you. Consider it a Shorty Shorts preview. 9:30PM, Hollywood Theatre, 4122 NE Sandy. $8.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31

Q Center Spooktacular: Fun for the whole family. Q Center invites all LGBTQ families and allies to their annual Halloween celebration. There will be food, fun, games, crafts, storytelling, and much more. Come one, come all! 2PM-4PM, Q Center, 4115 N Mississippi.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 15

This! This! This! Miss Coco Peru: Coco’s Guide to a Somewhat Happy Life. Ever since becoming a YouTube sensation Coco Peru has been inundated with emails from people of all ages asking her the same question, “Coco, what is the secret to a happy life?” So, being the giver that she is, Coco wrote a new show A GENTLE REMINDER – COCO’S GUIDE TO A SOMEWHAT HAPPY LIFE where, through story and song, Coco shares with her audience a step by step guide that leaves you prepared to enter the world again ready to create your very own “somewhat” happy life.

Why just a

Clothes check and raffle prize provided by Cub Cleaners. Eagle Portland, 835 N. Lombard.

FOURTH FRIDAYS

Twerk. (Twerk has moved venues!) DJs ILL Camino and II Trill. Keywords: bring your twerk.

The city’s longest-running queer hip hop/R&B party—where artists, deejays, performers come to mix, mingle, and move on the dance floor. We promise you you’ll move all night long. 10 p.m., Killingsworth Dynasty, 832 N Killingsworth. $5.

FOURTH SATURDAYS

Blow Pony. Two giant floors. Wide variety of music, plenty of room for dancing. Rowdy, crowdy, sweaty betty, the one tried and true, even after all these years. 9 p.m., Euphoria, 315 SE 3. $5.

Judy on Duty. Lesbian hardcore. Judys, Judes, and cool ass freaks. Dance it out. DJ Troubled Youth. Organized by Ana Margarita and Megan Holmes. 10 p.m., High Mark Water Lounge, 6800 NE MLK.

LAST SUNDAYS

Sabbathhause Discotheque, gay night is back at Aalto lounge and it is bigger and more queer than ever before.

Featuring some of the best deejays and performers around and hosted by night hawk Chanticleer Tru. 8 p.m., Aalto Lounge, 3356 SE Belmont.

3

WEDDINGS FEATURES VOICES GET OUT THE BRILLIANT LIST

MONDAY, OCTOBER 19

This and EVERY third Monday: Gay Skate kicks off your Halloween to-boo list. Gay Skate is a joy. Meet queers and mingle with them outside the bar setting— maybe your dream lover will ask you to hold hands during couples’ skate. And there are themes now! Themes!

This October’s theme is HALLOWEEN, and you can interpret that however the hell you’d like to. So bring it! Come dressed to impress and wine beautiful prizes, and look for our publisher, who’s always handing out copies of PQ. And, you know, you’ll probably get a date. Every third Monday. Food drive for Take Action Inc. 7 p.m., Oaks Park, 7805 SE Oaks Park Way. $6.

PQ PICKS

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 22

Pop Rocks! Each Thursday, beginning with this official launch, 80s music aficionado DJ Matt Consola (Bearracuda) is hosting a very special 80s anthem night at Euphoria Nightclub. The space will be enhanced with an 80s theme featuring dancers, games and an official Dungeons & Dragons Gaming Table, visuals, rad 80s movies, drink specials, a photo booth, coat check and special guest DJs. For this debut launch, veteran New York disco DJ Peter Calandra will open with an exciting set. Together they’ll create a dual force of 80s magic that will span multiple dance genres from that decade including 80s party anthems, 80s EuroDisco, 80s ItaloDisco and 80s Dark Wave. Their vast collection of import and domestic 80s tunes will be put to great use on this evening. As this is a week before Halloween, expect a Michael Meyers movie marathon on the movie wall. And dressing in your favorite 80s attire is strongly suggested, but not required.

But all the cool kids will be doing it, so there’s that. 10 p.m., Euphoria, 315 SE 3. No cover.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 31

Club Destiny presents: Bridge to Hell featuring Eli Escobar. Deejays Hold My Hand, Troubled Youth, and Buckmaster are joined by Eli Escobar: New York’s house and disco evangelist Eli Escobar has been a familiar face on the city’s scene for the last two decades. Whether tearing it up at clubs across the capital (and beyond) or throwing down super-charged disco bombs on labels like Nervous and Strictly Rhythm, Escobar rarely steps out of his four-four beat. As one third of the Tiki Disco parties in Bushwick, as well as running his own Night People label, Escobar has been putting his own twist on the city’s house and disco soundtrack, joining the dots between yesterday’s golden era classics and today’s club anthems. Bridge Club + Destiny at Dynasty + NYC = Halloween win. Plus: Shitney Houston, Chanti Darling, Stacy Stl Lisa, and many more. Do not miss this!

8PM, White Owl Social Club, 1305 SE 8. $10.

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 17

VOICES FEATURES GLAPN

GLAPN

A DIFFERENT DAUGHTER, BILLYE TALMADGE

By Suzanne Deakins, GLAPN

Billye Talmadge, Ph.D., was born on December 7, 1929 in Missouri, and raised by her mother in Oklahoma. The black sheep of the Talmadge family, she is the niece of former U.S. Senator and Georgia Governor Herman E. Talmadge.

In September 1955, she joined a group of other women in Rose Bamberger’s living room for a gathering that would lay the foundation for the Daughters of Bilitis (DOB), the first lesbian civil rights group in America. By 1958 DOB had formed a network of local chapters across the country and between 1960 and 1970, DOB sponsored public conventions on gay and lesbian issues. Billye acted as educator to the women that came as well as in interviews and literature, presenting the DOB and GLBT issues in a non-threatening manner to the general public. She was involved with the Gab ‘n Java sessions, The Ladder magazine, and in the formation and development of the Council on Religion and Homosexuals. She was an early supporter of Troy Perry and the formation of the Metropolitan Community Church. From the very beginning she was heavily involved in education and peer-topeer counseling, which often was as simple as reassuring lesbians they were not ill or depraved.

DOB became more and more involved with civil rights. Instead of speaking in terms of gay and lesbian, DOB often used the term variant, as in alternate sexual preference. Members were assured that their identity would be kept secret as it was a time when many

18 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

would have lost their jobs or been expelled from school if their sexual and gender preferences were known.

Billye used a code name of “PD Griffin” or “PD Griff”.

Early on Billye became interested in human sexuality and the variations it represented. She has always identified as female, but taught and showed that the androgynous nature we all have allows us to identify as any gender. She was instrumental in providing the philosophy for Del Martin and Phyl Lyons activities on human sexuality in San Francisco.

One of my recollections of stories Billye told me about the early days of DOB was that they were inclusive of all races. She often recounted that there was no greater minority than a Hispanic or African American lesbian.

Billye has dedicated her life to education and inclusion of all women. Her memories are full of DOB and the early days and the individual stories of the women who came to DOB seeking shelter and companionship from their well of loneliness in a world who rejected them.

I moved Billye from Maryland to Portland in March 2013. She now resides in a convalescent home. Billye and I are in the process of recording her stories. These are the stories of women, their humanity, sexuality, and the drive to be accepted politically and equally in our world.

(In addition to working with GLAPN, Suzanne Deakins is owner of One Spirit Press. Her company has published a number of LGBTQ books.)

pqmonthly.com

VOICES

SECRET LIFE OF SUMMER SEASONS: DRAG IS NOT A WAR

PERS{ECTOVES COMMUNITY

LIFE IS GOOD. ENJOY THE RIDE!

Why I Stopped Feuding

By Summer Seasons, PQ Monthly

As a baby gay and starting drag it became very apparent that there were people who I perceived to be on the top of the spectrum, and those who were on the bottom.

The top seemed so cool and polished and the bottom was fresh and energetic, but not very pretty at all. We all started somewhere, and as pretty as I thought I was then, I was definitely not on what I thought was the top.

I started drag in an era before YouTube, where you actually had to meet with a makeup artist, grab a Kevin Aucoin book at Powell’s, or find someone to teach you how. I’m forever thankful for those that sat me down and taught me the craft, and soon it became apparent that I was making a name for myself. It came time for me to pick a family, and that seemed the most important chore of all; you had to pick the people that you chose to align with and pretty much swear off anybody else. It was very much a Capulet-versus-Montague-type scenario.

I chose my family and began making it my mission to make everyone else look bad and my family look the best; however I soon began to realize that I didn’t really align with those people at all. They had taught me a lot, but I was a very different person than they were, and I decided to start my own family. I recruited and adopted the up and coming stars, and worked very hard to make a name for myself. Divisions started happening between all the different families and it soon became obvious that you had to pick a side—and you better pick wisely or else you’d end up being shunned by everyone.

None of us would ever dare work together; we spent tons of time figuring out how to put each other down and hating each other because we were different, and all we ever did was focus on the negative.

We often sabotaged each other’s shows or events because that’s what you did when you were a child.

As I grew into being an adult and started performing at adult venues, this kind of behavior carried over. If I could start a fight with someone, prove myself to be better than them, then I’d climb higher—in my mind. People often had similar attacking behavior towards me, because it was pretty pqmonthly.com

clear I was unafraid to take anyone on.

As a person and an entertainer I didn’t enjoy much growth at all during this time.

For me it was all about cutting down the person next to me. I never really developed any friends, mostly just frenemies—people I didn’t consider to be close, but I kept close to me so that I could be prepared to take them on should I need to.

One day I realized that a large part of my behavior was because I was jealous of some of these other people. I wanted to have great makeup, good hair, a good lip synch, or sparkly jewels and clothes. Some of them were hosting all the gigs, and I wanted in. So I began to study them, absorb what I could and take my favorite parts of all of them into creating the brand that would become Summer Lynne Seasons.

So m e w h e re a l o n g the way I learned that all this fighting or lashing out at people would get me nowhere. It’s natural for people to want to be the alpha, but I needed to change my outlook. I had to become the best ME that I could be. I no longer needed to compare myself to other people, and worry about what they were doing, but start to create those opportunities for myself. By celebrating what was different about myself, I could find my own niche.

I no longer feel the need to start a war within my own community, but I choose to have the outlook of trying to figure out how to build it back up. We all came from a hard place, many of us with fear or terror going through high school, and proving my dominance over anybody never got me anywhere. It wasn’t until I realized how to make a better me that I understood this though. I’m no longer worried about what anybody else is doing, because I’m working on fixing myself.

When I took the time to celebrate that we are all going to be different and stopped trying to separate myself from them, but unite with them, all that I was looking for came to me. I know I’m not perfect, and that’s okay with me, because right now I’m the best me that I can be. I don’t have the time to fight anymore because I’m too busy celebrating life. My fight is being used to help charity and to get rid of Stigma for HIV/AIDS. I’m not backing down from the fight, I’m just fighting for a better thing.

www.paradiseh-d.com • 10770 SW Cascade Avenue, Tigard • 503-924-3700

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 19

VOICES NIGHTLIFE

DAYLIGHT CUMS: HOW THE HELL DO I GET FROM HERE TO THERE?

By Marco Davis, Special for PQ Monthly

miss this connection time” was a major treat.

This past year has pushed me beyond the edge of anyBeing a born and raised Astorian, this summer was the where I have ever been before and as I find my new footmost incredible I have ever been a part of. As a young child, ing and recognize the space I occupy; I realize that my life I remember tossing back my curtains each morning in must be different. I must be different. Change has occurred hopes of blue skies and warm days; and I find that I am no longer the it would be a gift if we had 3 or 4 in person I was. a row. Could never count on having This is the tricky part...lamentit be nice before the middle of July. ing is not an option. I really do have Things were so different this year. to step on down my path and not When the rain finally started to look back or take anything with me. fall, I was lying in my bed and I heard Naked, I move on. Nothing to hide that unmistakable sound on the roof behind, just me, all of me with no and my soul fluttered; I giggled, way or where to hide. I am grateful stretched my body and got cozy for that, actually. It makes me have to as I let the sound dance across my face myself more readily and openly. senses. The next morning, I tossed I have done my work, I continue my curtains back and held my heart to do my work, and I am ready for when I discovered it was still raining. this next phase of my journey. I’m Going out and about in town was not going to spend the time recountwonderful, all the locals had smiles ing what I am walking away from, and we all marveled at how great it that is the language I have let go of; was to feel this again. if you would like to know you can get It was especially soothing for me, Daylight Cums, aka Marco Davis, inspires a thriving queer culture on caught up on the saga at www.daysince I had just returned from a road the coast. lightcums.com and read the blogs. trip to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and This is what I am doing: for the length of the trip we were engulfed in smoke from Looking at myself completely, and appreciating that this all the fires. We all had that breath of relief; it really opened body I have been given has carried me so courageously up conversation. I believe that we had all been working so through my life. hard in our little town. We didn’t have our several month Not placing negative opinions about my appearance or long slow season; people just kept pouring into town and challenges my body may face. I thank my body for being we were all balls and clams to the wall. Seriously. So, get- here for me. ting to have that moment of, “Oh, hey, yeah I like you and Being in the moment, regardless of the moment. This

20 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

includes leaving my phone alone and taking my social times back to being social and not just being with my friends while on the phone.

Allowing the vulnerability to be present. (I was just challenged typing this line because my thumbs (yes, my computer died so I do all my typing from my phone) wanted to elaborate by launching into a story of days gone by (wink).

Not letting my eyes roll back in my head when I meet new people.

Cooking my meals at home with local produce.

Being in nature more.

Keeping my heart open and trusting more.

Always trusting more.

The fall is a perfect time to begin the season of selfcare. I’m going to over indulge by spoiling myself with lived open experiences, whatever they may be! As a warrior queen, I love the challenge of a good battle and I am worth fighting for.

This journey has kicked off at the most beautiful time.

I just watched a 3 year dream take life and shine in the forest; a hike/art experience at Fort Clatsop National Historic Park. I invited friends to join me in the woods with their instillation, visual, dance, performance and musical art. It’s one of those things that you get really excited about but at the same time you don’t want to talk about it. It has been something I have pictured every time I hike the trail, a spot along the path would flicker to me... I want to be danced upon... Bring your strings to harmonize with the sound of my trunk brushing against another... Do you see the secrets I wish to share? And I did and we all delivered and it was one of the single most incredible days of my life, and I’ve had a few (wink). I found myself crying at least 5 DAYLIGHT CUMS page 21

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CALENDAR

VOICES

OUR MIDLIFE ADVENTURE (NOT CRISIS!), PT. 4

By Kim Dunn & Laura Waters, Special for PQ Monthly

Christmas traditions in the Catalan region of Spain differed from ours in some memorable ways. The holiday season begins Our 9 months in Europe was unforgetta- with the Feast of the Immaculate Concepble for sure, and the last 3 months were no tion on December 8. And Three Kings Day, exception. It was winter, so we headed south January 6 is the day the children receive to Spain and Italy, though we didn’t entirely gifts, not Christmas. Kids actually visit the escape the cold. In November last year, we Kings in malls and tell them what they had the Spanish beaches of the Costa del Sol want for Christmas. And the whole Three almost entirely to ourselves.

Kings celebration is kicked It was the vacation from our off with a huge parade the vacation, and we were ready evening before, where the for it. If you’ve done much children pile into the streets traveling you know … it can and onto parents’ shoulders be exhausting. We stayed and even on ladders to see in Benalmadena, a goodthe Three Kings and collect sized coastal town just miles candies. But the most memaway from from the large orable, and the tradition city of Malaga. Truthfully, we plan to bring into our it’s a place we would have home, is the pooping log. likely hated in the summer (Tió de Nadal or Caga tió, when it fills with vacationthe pooping log, is a hollow ing Europeans and their kids! log that poops gifts on We rented a small studio here We stayed in Benalmadena, a good-sized Christmas, after you sing the for about $600 for the month, coastal town just miles away from from the pooping log song and hit it and played on the beach, large city of Malaga. with sticks. Really. Google it.) ate unbelievable amounts We left Barcelona for our of oranges, figs, and olives and just last month, in San Remo, Italy. We actutook in the splendor of Andalucia. ally left this place after a couple weeks and

We visited several nearby towns— went to Florence, but that’s another story Mijas was our favorite, tucked in the moun- altogether. Italy wasn’t our favorite, which tains, with its all-white architecture, bright I hesitate to say, but it’s true. It was our last colors, stunning views and everything month and the farthest from home – lityou’d expect from a small Spanish town, erally and otherwise. We didn’t see a lot of bull-fighting ring, and flamenco dancers Italy, but by then we were tired and cold (we included. In Spain, we also did our second didn’t go far enough south to escape winter.) house-sitting stint. We got the gig through I could talk about how we were freezing a house-sitting website, and had the plea- and kept losing electricity, how finding wifi sure of hanging out with a pup named was a constant challenge, or about trying to Poppy in a 4-story house with an elevator push a stroller through ancient streets, or in a swanky part of Barcelona. No, really. the urine sloshing on the bathroom floor Poppy’s people were Americans staying in of the train. I think in a different time in Spain for work. They had two lovely children our lives we would have found these things who were so sweet with Tatum—includ- charming. We were ready to come home. I ing her in art sessions and dance parties. will say this, though. The David. Wow. Go We all spent a few days together, and then to Florence, see The David. And the Cathewe watched their dog and home while they dral. It will change you. And don’t forget to vacationed over Christmas and New Year’s. eat gellatto.

DAYLIGHT CUMS Continued from page 20

times. The first was when I saw all of my friends arriving and hiking in to find their places along the path. Second time: I was walking backwards to the start of the hike (3rd time that day), and I passed Facebook friends and their families, kids all dressed up, and a sense of wonder and excitement bursting from their strides!

A few more strides and I run into my mom, aunt, sister-in-law and niece, my mom was radiant and whenever I see her that alive it turns on my waterworks! At the trail head, I pass through the red velvet curtains and see a group of 20-30 people, most faces I knew, waiting to journey on. I asked if they would like to walk it together and off we went. We stopped along the way to listen to music, watch ballet, feel the wind on our bodies, the rain began to fall and the songs got sweeter and the moment so charged with life I couldn’t help but start pqmonthly.com

crying again. Walking up to the goddess and having her dance with her sword for us, looking at mushrooms popping out of the earth, a chandelier of branches and flowers, a gnome village; an interactive mushroom and sweet bossa nova songs to greet us at the end. A treat for all the senses.

The curtains from the entrance to the experience are from my bedroom and as I hung them back at the end of the day; I could feel all of that love and excitement and wonder and magic beneath my fingers and it made my soul soften further as I tried to breathe through the sensations of going from doing almost nothing for a month to walking about 14 miles in one day.

And as I drew back the curtains this morning I was greeted, once again, by the sweet shine of that golden sun. I feel charged and more grounded and centered than I ever have. I am excited about this fall challenge and the quest for love of myself and my human condition. I feel my soul dance bubbling to the surface and ready to express, confess, and dance, dance, dance!

FEATURES

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 21

NIGHTLIFE

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VOICES

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It is a gorgeous sunny Saturday, and I am marching up and down NW 21st, gathering all the necessary supplies for the perfect date night. The dry leaves crunch under my feet; it’s a balmy autumn afternoon, and I am wearing my favorite purple gingham oxford and salmon shorts, partly a nod to global warming, part outfit workshopping for Palm Springs Pride next month. This is my favorite time of year—I know, it’s yours too: chilly mornings, crunchy leaves, and shorts in the afternoon. Plus, a date night!

The world is my oyster, and spinsterhood seems so far away.

The evening I have planned is so elaborate I have to travel to three separate markets; I go to my neighborhood’s newest jewel, New Seasons, which is actually more gay bar than grocery store. I haven’t seen so many queers in one place since Folsom in San Francisco. Scruff won’t stop buzzing, but I am focused on a singular goal: the best, freshest ingredients for a delicious pasta recipe, Marcella Hazan’s Tomato Sauce with Porcini Mushrooms and Sausage. I select the freshest organic herbs and vegetables, the most delectable looking sausages, Pomi’s zesty strained tomatoes, and offer the requisite hellos and warm greetings to the one dozen homosexuals I recognize. I offer the gentleman I enjoyed high tea with last week my best side-eye.

With my reusable canvas shopping bag packed, I travel down 21st to City Market, where I procure my secret ingredient: which I will not disclose at this time. Needless to say, when you obtain this secret goodie, chop it up, add it to any simmering sauce, and the results are divine. I’m not sure if Hazan would approve or not, but that’s the joy of cooking; gain confidence and you can make any recipe your own. Once you achieve mastery of the roadmap, throw it out, take a chance. Your instincts will guide you. At City Market I select the freshest, most beautiful flower arrangement: Dahlias boasting deep maroons and purples. They’ll look gorgeous on the dining room table.

Today I am possessed by Martha Stewart; I want everything to be perfect.

My last stop is Fred Meyer, because this lady enjoys a wine value, and one can’t buy everything at New Seasons, lest one dip into one’s 401K just to stock up on groceries. Plus: there’s a wine sale! Since my recipe boasts mushrooms, I settle on Pinot Grigio for before eating, and Pinot Noir for during (I am no sommelier, so pardon my choices).

After I make my selections, it is time to head home and begin simmering my tomato sauce and to make sure my gracious home is suitable for a night of entertaining; I have given myself the day, because I am not trying to channel Sandra Lee. I have been texting my date off and

on; besides Hazan, we have Netflix and “Breaking Bad” on the agenda, and he’s talking about traveling to a local marijuana shop to take advantage of our state’s new pot laws. Though I am not particularly fond of the sweet reefer, I don’t object; I have been known to enjoy a puff now and then. He had a late night with girlfriends last night, and I remind him tonight’s no pressure—it’s easy breezy; we can eat pasta whenever and our beautiful stories will wait for us to summon them.

Though I am not known for my patience, I do try.

This is our first time spending time together in some time. About a year ago, we met on Grindr and routinely met for wine and various adult adventures, and though we always got on well, our times together eventually fizzled out and ended. Then, months later, because it’s hard to “break up” and cut off all contact completely when you see each other on your favorite adult social media apps every day, we began chatting again. Just like before, we get along swimmingly, and decide it is time to see each other. It’s a big decision in my mind, and it took us a month to get here. Who knows what might happen! Spinsterhood seems so far away.

Soon, the texts peter out and taper off.

He’s getting ready, I’m sure, and I need to get ready too; I’ve got a blouse and a pant to select. I’ll keep it simple: a blue oxford and a steel grey jogger pant.

It’s been awhile since I’ve heard from my date, and the sauce is almost ready. I decide it’s appropriate to send a gentle reminder text. I am sure he hasn’t responded because he’s driving over—he’s adamantly opposed to texting and driving.

Tonight, my friends are going out— they’re headed to a party at Vendetta, and most everyone I know will be there. Can’t tonight, friends, my date is on his way. Yes, date! I’m cooking again.

I serve myself a bowl of pasta; it is among the best I’ve made: rich, tangy, and flavorful. It is high time I have some wine, so I pour a glass of Pinot. Perfect pairing: the domestic goddesses I love so dearly would be so proud. The night wears on, and there’s not a peep from my date.

Tonight, I’ll be watching “Breaking Bad” alone, because my companion ghosted; I don’t have the strength to go out to meet friends and drown my sorrows; tonight, I’ll eat my weight in delicious sausages and treat myself to a beautiful bottle—or two— of Pinot. And fire up the Scruff.

The city is my oyster, and spinsterhood never seemed so certain.

I’m fine, I promise. Writing is therapeutic. Daniel@PQMonthly.com

pqmonthly.com

ARTS & CULTURE

GLAPN

MORE QUEER HEROES!

FEATURE

Courtesy GLAPN

Janice Wilson was appointed Judge to an Oregon District Court in March of 1991 by Governor Barbara Roberts. Janice was openly lesbian at the time of her appointment. Her sexual orientation was even discussed in the press.

Janice faced her first election to retain the seat in the 1992 Oregon May primary. Because it was a non-partisan race and because she won a majority, she at that point became the first openly LGBTQ person elected to Oregon public office. This is particularly impressive considering it was the same year as the state’s notoriously anti-gay Ballot Measure 9.

Janice was appointed to the Multnomah County Circuit Court in 1994 and won the election to retain that seat the same year.

She was reelected in 2000, 2006, and 2012. She retired on February 1, 2013.

While many other openly LGBTQ Oregonians have since held public office in Oregon, Janice deserves credit for her courage in being the first.

Gregg Moreland is a gay man who is one of the most committed people in Oregon’s LGBTQ movement. Much of his work has been through the local HRC Oregon and SW Washington. But Gregg has collaborated with Basic Rights Oregon as well, even using his birthday as an opportunity to raise money for them. Gregg has also done an enormous amount of work on the campaigns of pro-LGBTQ candidates.

In addition to his Volunteer Engagement role at HRC Portland Steering Committee now (as well as six years ago), Gregg was Political and Community Outreach Co-chair for the years in between. He is just beginning his second term as vice chair of the LGBT caucus for the Democratic Party of Oregon. Gregg is the President of the interim board of directors for Queer Intersections Portland. Earlier this year, he worked and testified in support of HB 2307 to ban conversion therapy. Gregg has volunteered for the Merkley U.S. Senatorial campaign both times.

Gregg’s efforts in support of the Measure 88 and the marriage campaigns have included training signature gatherers. He was active in media blogs and newspaper op-eds in Salem, but he has since moved to Portland.

Stephen Manning is an openly gay attorney who specializes in immigration rights. He was nominated as a Queer Hero specifically for his work in securing residency status for both a gay man and a lesbian, each of whom had same gender spouses who were citizens, following the ruling that invalidated part of the Federal Defense of Marriage Act. But the Queer Heroes story goes a bit deeper.

Stephen received the Bill and Ann Shepherd Legal Scholarship of Equity Foundation for 1999-2000, so there’s some history at work here.

Bill and Ann Shepherd were honored as Queer Heroes in 2012, as co-founders of PFLAG Portland in the mid-1970s. About 20 years later, Jeff Rose, Mr. Oregon Leather of 1993, decided as his stepping-down to honor the Shepherds by creating a scholarship fund for law students dedicated to LGBTQ justice. Jeff Rose was a Queer Hero in 2014. This year, Queer Heroes NW honors somebody who benefited from the scholarship that was created to honor the Shepherds.

Stephen is recognized for his intellect, commitment, resourcefulness, thoroughness, and willingness to do his homework. He works to bring due process to immigrants who otherwise would have no legal representation. Part of the work involves Federal lawsuits and appeals, and the rest is general immigration practice–challenging deportation orders, helping domestic-abuse victims stay in the United States, advocating for families that might be split, and aiding people seeking asylum.

He still finds time to help with fundraising for future Shepherd Scholarships.

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OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 23

VOICES BOOKS

EQUALITY REMAINS ELUSIVE FOR LGBTQ PEOPLE OF COLOR AS WE MARK ANOTHER NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY

As LGBTQ people of color, we face additional hurdles that keep us from being able to come out and be safe and authentic in our everyday lives.

By Khalil Edwards, Basic Rights Oregon

Sunday, October 11 was National Coming Out Day. This annual event is a time for us to raise awareness about what it means to come out—even with the significant policy

24 • OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015

gains in recent years, lived equality remains elusive for many LGBTQ Oregonians.

While many LGBTQ people of color are finding more acceptance from family and community; living at the intersections of multiple marginalized identities creates unique barriers to access. As LGBTQ people of color, we face additional hurdles that keep us from being able to come out and be safe and authentic in our everyday lives.

As Beryl “BJ” Jones, an older Black lesbian puts it, “I’m African American. I’m gay, and I live in a highly Caucasian community, and I must be able to operate, or at least function in all of those.” Often finding support, resources, and acceptance in LGBTQ organizations or organizations in communities of color can be extremely challenging to navigate.

That’s why Basic Rights Oregon works with straight leaders of color to “come out” in support for LGBTQ families.

We want to dispel the myth that communities of color are not supportive of LGBTQ people and their families, and have straight leaders of color announce their support for LGBTQ families.

Former Senator Avel Gordly is one of these straight leaders of color and she says, “We come from a family of community builders, and what I want for our family is that they be able to thrive, that we are a part of building what Martin Luther King Jr. called ‘beloved community’, a community that embraces all of its people, and the potential of all of its people.”

And this year, straight leaders of color are stepping it

up and coming out in support by sharing their stories of acceptance, lifting up their commitment to LGBTQ Justice, writing op-eds and speaking at the coming out monologues. Straight leaders of color like Ramon Ramirez of PCUN, Nkenge Harmon of the Urban League of Portland, June Schumann of APANO, Captain Kevin Modica of the Portland Police Department, Nicole Maher of the Northwest Health Foundation, and Dante James from the City of Portland Office of Equity and Human Rights are some of the many leaders who voiced their support for the National Coming Out Day project.

“LGBTQ folks are an integral part of our community and I defend their rights to live a life free from discrimination, hate and indifference,” said Ramon Ramirez. “An attack on one sector of our community is an attack on all.

Si Se Puede!”

It’s important that we are all more active in our support of LGBTQ families. People make assumptions about what love and acceptance look like, and part of being supportive is to continually express love, affection, and support, so that LGBTQ people know that they are safe and welcome. My oldest sister Kijan Winchester is an incredibly supportive straight ally and one of my biggest champions, and she says, “Everybody wants the same thing, and that’s the quality of life to be accepted, to just be able to be free, and love. Just support that. If nothing else, support that. For all the families out there, erasing homophobia starts with you. To accept me, you have to accept him.”

pqmonthly.com

VOICES MUSIC

This Ends Badly DEAR BLCKSMTH: BAD ADVICE NEEDED

By Michael James Schneider, PQ Monthly

Dear BLCKSMTH, how many glasses of red wine can you mix with Xanax?

All of them.

Dear BLCKSMTH, what’s with the no vowels?

It’s a dated holdover from when I thought that was cool a few years ago, and that’s what I called my blog. Keep in mind, this was years after omitting vowels from words was actually cool. It’s a silly and charming affectation, like people who wear suspenders, or glasses without prescription lenses, or vegetarianism.

Hey BLCKSMTH, my boyfriend and I have been together for three years, and have been talking lately about opening our relationship up. What do you think?

I’m torn but lean towards no, but hear me out before knee-jerking me into the penalty box. When two people get into a relationship, they tend to set the terms and boundaries for that relationship. It’s a kind of emotional and sexual “contract” that’s usually articulated out loud, but sometimes not. When you change the terms of a monogamous relationship, the contract needs to be rewritten, and I’ve seen a lot of relationships fall apart because of this.

SIT DOWN, I’m not saying open or closed relationships are better or worse than any others (I say “closed” not as a pejorative, but because the word “monogamous” is so exhausting to say), just that something fundamental changes for a lot of people when contracts are renegotiated.

People have a lot of strong opinions about one or the other: “People in open relationships are just sluts!” “Open relationships are the next step in peoples’ emotional evolution and those who aren’t in one are just fooling themselves!” I’m not going to sit here and say something obvious like “communication is key,” and my advice would be the same if people who originally contracted to be in an open relationship suddenly wanted to close it. What’s important is the content of the conversations around making this decision, and the questions that you have to give honest answers to: Why are we making this relationship open? Are we bored with the sexual or emotional content of the core relationship? Have we always secretly wanted to be open but were too threatened by the idea of our partner with someone else? To what degree will we communicate our other partners to each other?

If both your answers are different, or even if they’re the same but irreconcilable, then maybe it’s time to break the contract completely and start a new, open contract with someone else.

Dear BLCKSMTH, I just got serious with someone I’ve been dating awhile, and we’re both crazy about each other. We’ve even decided to see each other exclusively. The problem is, I see him online on the hookup apps even after he’s texted me goodnight and said that he’s going to bed. I’m afraid to even bring it up. Help!

First things first. The fact that you’re afraid to even talk about it doesn’t bode well. If you’re crazy about each other, you should love everything, warts and all, and by “warts” I mean insecurities, too. I love it when my boyfriend brings up things he wants from me, or when I talk to him about what I need out of the relationship, because it feels like progress. We’re not asking the other person to change who they fundamentally are, we’re giving each other a chance to modify our behavior because we care about the relationship enough. So think about what deters you from talking about what scares you.

Back to the big issue, though, and back to rewinding to the core of the problem: why is him being on the apps a problem for you? Do you fear he’s looking for the Next Best Thing (a totally valid fear and real phenomena)? Have you been cheated on in the past and this created a precedent that you feel will be repeated? Does the activity bother you, or just the fact that it’s visible to you? Get to the root of what you feel before having the conversation, and bring it up without any judgement or expectations. Chances are he’ll respond in kind.

Also, keep in mind that a lot of people use dating apps for different reasons. In the end, you wouldn’t be able to see him active on the apps if you also weren’t on them after you said goodnight. What if he’s on there looking at you being active and feeling the exact same fear?

Hiya BLCKSMTH, no question but I wanted to say you’re really articulate and handsome, and an amazing writer. You don’t seem insecure or narcissistic at all!

Hey thanks a lot, I appreciate that! You’ve made my day.

Dear BLCKSMTH, you wrote most of these questions and comments yourself, didn’t you?

Yeah. :/

Send in your Good Questions for Bad Advice to mkschndr@gmail.com.

Michael James Schneider is based in Portland, OR. He writes about dating and matters of the heart for his wildly unpopular and poorly-named blog, BLCKSMTHdesign.com. His first fiction book, The Tropic Of Never, is available on Amazon. pqmonthly.com

OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 25

GLAPN

THE CONSCIOUS APPROACH TO LESBIAN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS

By Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D. & Michelle Murrain, Ph.D. Courtesy of GLAPN

For many of us, intimate relationships are the final frontier. A lot of women have great lives in other ways, yet still struggle with old patterns in the dating and relationship “Are you interested in a conscious approach to lesbian arena. This was true for Michelle and me for a long time, dating and relationships?” too. (But now we have an amazing, deep, richly fulfilling I asked that question over and over to the thousands long-term relationship and marriage.) of lesbians and queer women streaming by the Conscious So if you don’t yet have the kind of relationship you long Girlfriend booth at a recent for, our most important mesPride event. sage to you is: that can change!

A few said, “No!” and quickly And the power to change it is in walked on. your hands.

A few said, “Yes, absolutely. I If you’re not sure what a contry to do that already.” scious approach to lesbian dating But the majority said, “I don’t and love means, we’d love to know. What exactly does that introduce you to a step-by-step mean?” path to dating wisely and creating As lesbian dating and relathe kind of relationship you truly tionship coaches and the want. We call it “The 12-Week founder of Conscious GirlRoadmap to Conscious Lesfriend (www.consciousgirlbian Dating and Lasting Love.” friend.com), we aim to support Along the way, you’ll learn many all lesbians and queer women: skills and ways of being that will those who say “Yes,” those who enhance all your other relationsay “I don’t know,” and even ships, too, including your relathose who are tempted to just tionship with yourself. walk away.

Becoming what we call a If you’re already committed “conscious girlfriend” will take Becoming what we call a “conscious girlfriend” will take some learning and effort to conscious relationships, our some learning and effort on on your part. It’s not magic, and it’s not instant. work will help you apply the your part. It’s not magic, and learning you’ve done elsewhere, as well as give you some it’s not instant. But it also doesn’t have to be all that hard. powerful new lesbian-centric tools. Our framework is comIn fact, if you add up the number of weeks, months or patible with Buddhist practice, Non-Violent Communica- years you’ve already spent either unhappily single, gettion, Landmark, 12-step work, therapy, and most other forms ting over a breakup, or struggling with a painful relationof healing and consciousness work, and it will help you inte- ship, you’ll probably see that the Conscious Girlfriend grate that work more fully in your dating and relationship life. approach is actually far easier than what you’ve already

been doing – and also brings you far more happiness in return for your effort.

Although dismantling old patterns and learning new skills can feel intimidating at first, you are definitely capable of it. We have tools to walk you through the process.

And the rewards are well worth it!

Now, if you’re in the third category – someone whose immediate response to the question, “Are you interested in a conscious approach to lesbian dating and relationships?” would be to say “No,” and keep walking – I’m especially glad you’re reading this.

Since we started Conscious Girlfriend, we’ve spoken with many lesbians and queer women who have been so hurt and disillusioned by relationships that they’ve given up on love. They’ve concluded that lasting, happy relationships must just be a myth – or at the very least, must be possible only for other, luckier women.

When you’ve repeatedly tried to do something and it hasn’t worked, it does make sense to stop. As Albert Einstein said, the definition is insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

But rather than giving up on love altogether, another sane alternative is to get some education and training, so that you can acquire whatever skills you’re missing.

After all, you’d probably do that in any other area of your life. For instance, if you wanted to build a house, or learn to bake bread, or get good at doing the Argentine tango, you might take a class, watch some videos, find a mentor or teacher, or at least read a book.

Many things worth doing are hard to figure out on your own, yet completely learnable when you get the right guidance and support.

The truth is, if you don’t have the right skills, the house you build won’t be a good shelter, the bread you bake won’t THE CONSCIOUS APPROACH page 28

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VOICES

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OCTOBER/NOVEMBER 2015 • 27

THE CONSCIOUS APPROACH Continued from page 26

rise, and your dance steps will be clumsy.

Similarly, without the right skills, your relationships might feel good at first, but they’re likely to fall apart or cause pain within a few months or years.

But once you do have the right skills, relationships get much easier. In fact, having a happy, healthy, lasting relationship doesn’t have to be hard.

There are two reasons why most relationships are hard (and aren’t ultimately happy, healthy or lasting): 1) You’re not with the right person, and/or 2) You’re not yet the right person yourself. In other words, you don’t know how to fully hold onto yourself within a relationship, communicate and navigate differences in healthy ways, and build trust and intimacy.

But both of these problems are solvable. You can learn how to find and choose the right partner, and you can learn how to be the right partner, too.

Becoming A Conscious Girlfriend In order to find and choose the right partner, and to be the right partner yourself, you need to become what we call a “conscious girlfriend.” This means becoming more conscious of all the many choices you make both in the dating process, and when you’re actually in an intimate relationship.

When you’re not conscious of what you’re doing and why you’re doing it, you end up operating on default or automatic pilot. This leads to doing things in ways that really don’t fit who you are or what you want, sometimes without even realizing it. You may be living out the script of your parents’ relationship, repeating your own patterns over and over, or doing what your partners want (or what you think they want – even while they’re trying to do what they think you want!)

You might be choosing women whom you have to take care of – and then feeling frustrated that you’re always taking care of them. (I used to do that.)

You might be trying to take care of your partners, or giving yourself up, in ways that don’t even feel good to the other person. (I used to do that, too!)

You might be stuffing your feelings – or blowing up at your partner – because you don’t know how to communicate your emotions and needs in healthy ways. Or you might be spending hours in exhausting, draining “processing” that never seems to get you anywhere. (We understand that pattern. One of Ruth’s ex-partners dubbed me “the processing queen...”)

You might be blaming her for whatever doesn’t feel good between you, or blaming yourself, or both, rather than taking

responsibility for your needs and working constructively to get them met.

Most of the couples we coach have been doing one or more of these things – so both partners end up feeling hurt, frustrated, angry and exhausted, and neither one is getting what she wants. And many of the single women we coach have emerged from relationships with these kinds of dynamics, and feel wary of trying again.

The good news is that once you bring full awareness to the process of dating and love, you can learn to make the choices that truly serve your happiness and well-being.

What do we mean when we say “the right partner?” What factors make someone the right partner for you – or the wrong one?

And what’s really involved in healthy communication? What does it take to build trust, connection and intimacy, not just in the “honeymoon phase,” but over the course of years and even decades – so that rather than getting stale, love can keep on growing stronger?

How is it possible for two different people, with different needs and preferences, to both get what they want?

Why do so many women try so hard to make love work, yet end up hurting each other? And what’s the alternative?

We cover all of this and much more in the 12-Week Roadmap, an online group learning experience that includes written and audio lessons, group coaching calls, one-on-one coaching, a buddy system, a private Facebook group, and more. And we also cover as much of it as we can in the free resources available on our website, www. consciousgirlfriend.com.

But what we can tell you right now is that lasting, happy, healthy lesbian love is not a myth or an impossible dream. It’s realistic and achievable. It just takes learning how!

Please visit www.consciousgirlfriend.com and join our community to learn more.

We’ll also be doing workshops in Portland October 30-November1! Get more info and sign up at www.consciousgirlfriend.com/portland.

Ruth L. Schwartz, Ph.D. is the author of eight books, including Conscious Lesbian Dating & Love. A writer, teacher and healer for over 30 years, she is a core faculty member at Ashland University. Michelle Murrain, Ph.D. holds degrees in Neuroscience and Theology, and has had a Buddhist meditation practice since 1990. She taught at Hampshire College for ten years, and has studied relationship coaching with Gay & Katie Hendricks, authors of Conscious Loving. Life partners since 2006, Ruth & Michelle live in Sonoma County, California. Since founding Conscious Girlfriend, they’ve helped thousands of lesbians and queer women learn to date wisely and love well! Visit them at www. consciousgirlfriend.com.

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