Characteristics of a Healthy Open Adoption

Characteristics of a Healthy Open Adoption Since the 1980s, open adoption has been benefiting adopted children, their adoptive families, and their birth families. These adoptions, in which the birth family and adoptive family exchange information and remain in contact with each other, are now the norm, with more than 90 percent of domestic adoptions consisting of some degree of openness. When an open adoption relationship is healthy, it provides everyone involved with a more informed, supportive, and encouraging adoption experience. While open adoptions can vary widely, there are certain characteristics that define every healthy open adoption.

Clear and Respectful Communication In order for the open adoption relationship to work, both adoptive families and birth families must be able to communicate effectively about their preferences, expectations, boundaries, feelings, and struggles regarding the adoption relationship. This communication must begin when the adoptive family and birth mother are first deciding what the open adoption will look like, and it must continue over the years.

The two qualities of effective communication are clarity and

respect. Clarity means that you and the birth mother must be honest with each other, even when you have difficult things to discuss. For instance, if you only want the birth mother to visit once a year, or if you find that phone calls are too much, you must make these expectations clear. Respect means that you listen and respond to what the other person is saying.

Through communication that is respectful, clear, and consistent, real relationships can be formed that will benefit everyone involved.

Respected Boundaries Another element of a healthy open adoption relationship is the ability on both sides to establish and respect healthy boundaries. These boundaries are any sort of limitation that is placed on the open adoption relationship. Examples of boundaries within this type of relationship include setting a cap on the number of messages exchanged every month, taking time apart to decompress during a visit, etc. These boundaries should always be thoughtfully established with a specific goal in mind.

In order for an open adoption relationship to work, boundaries need to be respected. You may not understand or agree with a particular boundary, but when you observe that boundary, you show respect to the person who set it. When you respect boundaries, you also allow that person to establish the space they need to grieve, decompress, heal, or rest. The result of respected boundaries should be an ability on both sides to more fully engage in the open adoption relationship.

Comfort Effective communication and the respecting of boundaries in a healthy open adoption relationship should also lead to a certain degree of comfort between families. As each family learns that the other family can be trusted to communicate clearly and to respect the boundaries that are established, they are able to form a stronger relationship with each other.

Many open adoption stories testify that over time, the relationship grew deeper as the families learned to trust their mutual commitment to the relationship and to the child.

In addition, it is also important to choose interactions and boundaries with which you are comfortable. For instance, if you decide to allow unsupervised visits with your child's birth mother before you have established a strong and trusting relationship with her, you may feel tension, discomfort, and anxiety around the relationship. If an expectant mother selects an adoptive family in an infant domestic adoption before she is certain that they are the right fit for the child, she may experience greater anxiety and stress around the adoption. On the other hand, if you and the birth family craft an open adoption relationship that is comfortable for both of you, you will be more likely to feel secure in and committed to the relationship over time.

A Thriving Child The most important element of a healthy open adoption is a child who is thriving within the relationship. This is the primary goal of any open adoption: That the child will enjoy

the confidence, transparency, and support that can come from having access to his or her birth family. Some adoptive families find that their children feel closer to them as a result of the open adoption. At the same time, many adopted children are also able to form healthy relationships with their birth mothers, and even their extended birth family, as a result of the open adoption.

This does not mean that a child cannot thrive in the absence of an open adoption relationship. However, when an open adoption is in place, the decisions made within that relationship must have the child's best interests in mind. If you find that your child is becoming happier, more secure, and more confident within the open adoption, these are good signs that the current arrangement is serving a valuable role in their lives. On the other hand, you may occasionally find that your child will benefit from a change in the arrangement (either toward more time with their birth family, or less).

Open adoptions provide a great opportunity for children to connect with their pasts, for birth parents to stay involved in the child's life, and for adoptive families to enjoy greater confidence in their own parenting. As a result, establishing open adoption relationships with clear and respectful communication, respected boundaries, and comfort between the families and, ultimately, thriving children, can be an important step in creating an adoption that supports and benefits everyone involved.