Why Use Positive Adoption Language? Language shapes how we perceive reality. In adoption especially, the language we use can have a powerful impact on how others perceive the process. In order to encourage accurate and healing speech regarding this topic, positive adoption language (PAL) has begun to replace inaccurate and hurtful terminology. By doing so, PAL builds up every member of the adoption triad and creates an environment in which accurate and life giving discussions about adoption can take place.
Positive adoption language honors the birth family. One of the many common misconceptions about adoption is the belief
that the birth family (birth mothers in particular) neither love their children nor care about what happens to them in adoption. This myth has flourished through the use of language such as “abandoned” “gave up for adoption,” “gave away their child,” “had an illegitimate child,” and so forth. The truth, however, is that most birth families love their children and make the difficult choice to place their children for adoption because of that love. Positive adoption language reflects this love and choice. Language such as “placed for adoption,” or “made an adoption plan,” for instance, reflect action and thoughtfulness, instead of the careless neglect implied in terms such as “gave away” or “abandoned.” As a result, PAL is one way to honor and support the birth families who love their children and intentionally seek out the best life possible for them. Positive adoption language values the adoptive parents. Similarly, positive adoption language provides a way to accurately describe and value adopting families. Often, inadvertently or not, their role in their child's life is diminished through the use of inaccurate language. For instance, references to the birth parents as the “natural” or “real” parents devalues the place of adoptive families as genuine families. Likewise, referring unnecessarily to a child as adopted implies that the adoptive relationship is second best. PAL, on the other hand, beautifully captures the reality of adoptive families. Through accurate terms such as “birth parents” or “biological parents,” for instance, it eliminates implications that adopting families are in any way less than biological families. By avoiding the descriptor of “adopted” or “adoptive” except when adoption is specifically being discussed, it acknowledges that the adoptive relationship is equal to the biological relationship between parents and children. As a result, PAL supports and values adoptive families in the way that they deserve.
Positive adoption language builds self-esteem in the child. Sadly, most adoptive families describe times when others said hurtful things in front of their children. For instance, “how much did you pay for him/her?” “Where did he/she come from?” and “why did his/her real mother abandon them?” are all offensive and potentially damaging to children who are still forming an understanding of themselves. Hearing that they were unwanted, abandoned, or given up, or hearing themselves referred to as handicapped or retarded, can cause a child to question their value and to create negative perceptions of themselves and of their birth families. PAL, on the other hand, avoids language that could potentially harm a child's understanding of their adoption, their birth family, or their adoptive family. Instead, PAL chooses language that builds up a child's self-esteem and gives them a truthful understanding of the love and concern that lies behind their adoption. The result of using this kind of language is greater self-confidence and a greater sense of their worth than they could receive from the negative language that is too often used to discuss their adoptions. Positive adoption language guards private information. Just because adoption grows a family through legal methods instead of through biological processes does not mean that all of the details of the adoption process are available for discussion. For instance, the circumstances surrounding why a child was placed for adoption, why a family decided to pursue international adoption instead of domestic adoption, the particular challenges an adopted child is facing, and the adoption costs a family faced are all types of information that should remain private until the family or the child feel like discussing them. PAL protects this private information by avoiding questions and terms designed to force adoptive families to discuss topics they may want to
keep to themselves. For instance, positive adoption language never assumes that infertility is the reason a couple chooses to adopt. It refrains from asking about adoption costs, and chooses not to ask questions regarding a child's pre-adoption past. By respecting the privacy of the family, PAL allows them to discuss the details of the adoption with whomever they choose, instead of feeling forced to share information they would rather keep to themselves. Positive adoption language can dispel adoption-related misconceptions. Adoption is rife with misconceptions, some of which prevent couples from considering adoption for themselves. For instance, if you believe that adoption is a second-best choice because of language that differentiates between adoptive families and “real� families, you may feel reluctant to grow your family through adoption. If you believe that birth mothers are generally uncaring and irresponsible, you may find yourself treating a birth mother with disrespect. Positive adoption language, therefore, plays a vital role in accurately representing the adoption process by using terminology that dispels these myths and misconceptions. When the language you hear about adoption is positive, supportive of birth mothers and adoptive families, and accurate in reflecting the joyful experience that most adoptive families have, you are much more likely to see it as a valid option for growing your own family. Positive adoption language is an important element in creating an accurate and appealing view of adoption. By honoring the birth family, valuing the adoptive family, encouraging the adopted child, guarding private information, and dispelling myths and misconceptions, PAL helps to encourage the spread of adoption and the support of the families who would not exist without it.