How to Use Positive Adoption Language The way we talk about things matters, especially when it comes to adoption. As a result, the way in which adoption is discussed has a very real impact on everyone in the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive families, and children). This is why the use of positive adoption language (PAL) is so important. This language reflects an accurate and sensitive understanding of adoption that affirms every member of the adoption triad. As a result, consistently using PAL allows you to express a supportive attitude toward adoption, while avoiding language that can be both inaccurate and hurtful.
If you look up PAL online, you will generally encounter lists of words and phrases that you should use when speaking about adoption. For instance, instead of saying “real” or “natural” mother, you should use the terms “birth mother,” or “biological mother.” Instead of saying “give away/give up,” you should use “place for adoption” or “make an adoption plan.” However, underlying these lists are a few basic principles that, if kept in mind, can help you to make the right word choices even if you do not have all of the lists of appropriate alternatives memorized. Do not undermine the adoptive parents' role. Adoptive parents are every bit as valid as parents of biological children. Because their love for their adopted child is the same as the love of a parent for their biological child, and because they do the same things for their adopted child as other parents do for their biological children, they are just as “real” as biological parents. As a result, referring to the birth mother as “natural” or “real,” sends a message that the adoptive family is not as valid as a biological family. Similarly, asking adoptive families about having “children of their own” (in reference to biological children) sends the message that they are not fully parents of their adopted child. As a result, try to avoid any language that undermines or invalidates adopting families. Do not undermine the birth parents' choice. Often, birth mothers are inaccurately perceived as not caring
about their children, or are perceived as somehow inferior because they placed their child for adoption. The truth, however, is that birth mothers love their children and choose adoption because they feel that is what is best for their child. As a result, PAL avoids language that feeds a negative view of birth mothers and embraces language that expresses the love and choice that went into their decision to place their child for adoption. For example, PAL rejects language such as “gave up for adoption” and embraces instead phrases such as “placed for adoption” or “made an adoption plan.” The result is a more accurate representation of the birth parents' choice. Do not stigmatize the birth parents. While some terms undermine the choice the birth mother made for her child, others can stigmatize the birth parents' character. For instance, terms such as “abandoned,” convey a sense that the birth parents rejected or did not love their child. This language is not just inaccurate. It can also cause adopted children to feel that their birth parents have rejected them. As a result, avoid language that stigmatizes birth parents. Instead, focus on language that honors their love for their child and accurately reflects the choice and sacrifice that goes into placing a child for adoption. Avoid language that negatively describes adopted children. PAL is concerned with accurately and positively describing all members of the adoption triad. This includes the children,
whose perceptions of themselves will be influenced by the language used to describe them. As a result, PAL avoids language that casts these children in any sort of negative light. For instance, avoid referring to a child as an “unwanted child.” Instead, use “a child placed for adoption.” Instead of referring to a child as “illegitimate,” say “born to unmarried parents.” In this way, you build a positive and accurate view of the child that will encourage them to feel confident in themselves. Be sensitive of any issues adopted children have. Sometimes, adopted children face certain challenges or struggles. In these cases, PAL avoids the use of terms that cast these challenges in a negative light. Many of these PAL words and phrases should also be used to describe challenges faced by any child, adopted or not. For instance, use “neurological impairment” instead of “brain damaged.” Use “developmentally delayed” instead of “retarded.” Use “child with special needs” instead of “handicapped.” The goal is to describe the child's challenges in a way that emphasizes the child's value. In this way, you help to build up the child and their abilities, instead of focusing on their challenges. Avoid differentiating between adoptive families and biological families. Finally, when choosing language to speak about adoption, avoid language that differentiates between adoptive families and biological families. For instance, avoid referring to a child's family as their “adoptive family” or to them as the
family's “adopted child,� unless the reference is necessary to the conversation. By doing so, you will avoid sending the message that the adopted child is any less valuable or any less a member of the family than are biological children. PAL is a valuable way to describe adoption, because it accurately describes adoption. By avoiding language that undermines the adoptive families, undermines the birth mother's choice, stigmatizes the birth parents, negatively describes adopted children, negatively describes any challenges the children face, and avoids differentiating between adoptive families and biological families, you can more accurately and sensitively describe adoption.