QSaltLake | 218 | May 2013

salt lake magazine

UTAH’S GAY, LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, TRANSGENDER AND ALLY

GaySaltLake.com

May 2013 Issue 218

2013 FABBY AWARDS Gay Weddings QSALTLAKE 1055 E 2100 S STE 206 SALT LAKE CITY UT 84106

A clever hairdresser is the best matchmaker.

Enjoy the hilarious confusion of this comic masterpiece – a quick-witted love story that will leave you belting “Figaro! Figaro! Figaro!”

rossini’s

THE BARBER OF SEVILLE MAy 11, 13, 15 & 17 | 7:30 PM MAy 19 | 2 PM Capitol Theatre JeRRy STeichen, Conductor Tickets start at $13 Call (801) 355-ARTS (2787) or visit utahopera.org Sung in Italian with English supertitles

4 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | STAFF

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Earn up to

$11.00 Apply Today! www.teleperformance.com Full Time Shifts Career Opportunities Employee Discounts Paid Training Beneets After 30 Days Advancement Opportunities Fun Work Environment

staffbox publisher Michael Aaron

editor Seth Bracken copy editor Tony Hobday designer Christian Allred sales Bob Henline contributors Matt Andrus, Chris Azzopardi, Lynn Beltran, Paul Berge, Dave Brousseau, Abby Dees, Jack Fertig, Greg Fox, Charles Lynn Frost, John Hales, Bob Henline, Josh Jones, Christopher Katis, Lisa Myers, Petunia Pap Smear, Anthony Paull, Steven Petrow, Ed Sikov, Ben ­Williams, D’Anne ­Witkowski distribution Peggy Bon, David

Gandy, Michael Hamblin, Jason Van Campen publisher

Gay Salt Lake, Inc. 1055 East 2100 South, ste 206 Salt Lake City, Utah 84106 tel: 801-649-6663 toll-free: 1-800-806-7357 Contact emails: general: info@qsaltlake.com editorial: editor@qsaltlake.com sales: sales@qsaltlake.com

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15,000 copies of QSaltLake Magazine are distributed free of charge at over 300 locations across the Wasatch Front.

Free copies are limited to one per person. For additional copies, contact us at 801-649-6663. It is a crime to destroy or dispose of current issues or otherwise interfere with the distribution of this newsmagazine. Publication of the name or photograph of any individual or organization in articles or advertising in QSaltLake Magazine is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons.

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Please recycle this copy when you are through with it.

6 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FIRST PERSON

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

I do believe

years have been a struggle. The good news is that we see light coming through the trees. We know we made the right decisions, as tough as they were, and the darkness of the forest we’ve been trodding through appears to be giving way to rays of hope.

We are wrapping up the 2013 edition of the Q Pages right after this issue hits the stands. We are heartened that we are getting more “yes” calls than “no.” Some of these businesses had pulled in the past few years, but are coming back on board.

Things must be looking up for them as well.

I hope you will join us at our birthday party/FABBY Awards presentation. The ad is on the next page.

Thank you for your support, your attention, and the fact you believe in us. Q

by Michael Aaron

As I sit

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here, wrapping up the issue before it goes to press (yes, this is the last thing I do before calling it an issue), I had several topics I thought I could write on. But the one that I’ve been thinking abouit the whole time we were working on this issue is — this is the beginning of our tenth year publishing.

I’ve never held a job for 10 years before. I’ve never been part of an organization for 10 years. I haven’t had the same hair style for 10 years (though, this one is getting close). But here we are.

I remember the days I was

making phone calls, begging people to be involved, developing a look and feel, determining our core values, setting our editorial tone and, perhaps the biggest challenge of them all, trying to sell advertising in a publication that didn’t yet exist.

I was doing some computer maintenance this week and ran into emails from those days.

Emails from people who saw and understood and appreciated our vision and wanted to help. I read through them and was touched, all these years later, that these people believed in us.

It’s no secret the last few

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The award show for all gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and ally businesses, organizations and people as voted on by you, QSaltLake readers. Enjoy small plates presented by many of your favorite restaurants and new places which will soon also be your favorites. Vote on your favorite dishes for a special award fa presented at the end of the evening.

Set at Mountainland Design, where you can begin dreaming of your next kitchen.

Help support QSaltLake and celebrate the beginning of its 10th year.

Music, awards presentations each half hour.

Tuesday, May 7, 5:30–8pm Mountainland Design, 2345 S Main St $25 donation / $30 at the door $75 VIP w/swag bags worth over $200.

Business casual Tickets at qtix.us or qmart.gaysaltlake.com or 801-649-6663 ext. 3

Help celebrate the beginning of our

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8 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | NEWS

Boy Scouts reject Utah Pride Center troop application A proposition to create a troop of straight but allied individuals in connection with the Utah Pride Center was denied by the Boy Scouts of America.

The troop would have been housed in the Pride Center and taken a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy for members but encouraged an open-minded approach to scouting. “Based on the mission of the [Utah Pride Center], we do not believe a chartered partner relationship is beneficial to Scouting,” Deron Smith, public relations director for Boy Scouts, told The Salt Lake Tribune.

The Boy Scouts may reverse its ban on gay members but a decision is not expected until May. Boy Scouts have been surveying members and community leaders about the policy. In 2005, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled the Scouts have the ability to deny membership based on sexual orientation.

news 10 things you should know happened last month (Full stories at gaysaltlake.com.) is a choice, marriage equality should not be legalized.

“I’ll say this, I do believe this could be solved greatly by a civil union law that would give gay people the same rights as married people,” Hatch said. “I think we can solve this problem without undermining the very basis of marital law in our country.”

Hatch said legalizing gay marriage would lead to “every Tom, Dick and Harry in there with some crazy marital scheme demanding the same rights and the same privileges.”

Despite being advanced in several states, civil unions do not offer equal protection for gay couples and fall short in areas such as immigration, Social Security benefits, exemption from federal inheritance taxes and others. There are no civil union or marriage benefits for gay Utah couples.

Most Salt Lake City Scouts want to exclude gays, survey finds

Orrin Hatch endorses civil unions Sen. Orrin Hatch recently announced he would support civil unions as a way to stave off the advance of gay marriage. He spoke to Logan, Utah’s KVNU radio station and said while he does not believe sexuality

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

More than 80 percent of Boy Scout leaders and members in Salt Lake City opposing allowing gays in the organization, according to an internal survey done by the Scouts.

However, the survey is under strong criticism because it had only a 10 percent response rate and many of the questions appeared to be leading responses in a manufactured direction.

Also, the survey could not be taken anonymously and the Scouts decided who was

allowed to take the poll. The survey did find that 70 percent of those that did respond said they’d quit or be less involved in scouting if the ban is lifted.

Snoop Lion doesn’t

Apple CEO tops ‘Out’ magazine’s list of most powerful gays

Apple CEO Tim Cook was ranked as the world’s most influential gay by Out magazine. The magazine releases its Power 50 list each year and this year’s top honor went to Cook, who took charge of the tech giant in 2011. He’s guided the company through upgrades and product lineups. Other notable additions include music sensation Frank Ocean at No. 10 and Dustin Lance Black, No. 43

Gaming company facing backlash for its equality stance

think gays can’t rap Reggae artist and former rap artist Snoop Lion said he’s not sure if the rap industry will ever accept gays in its ranks.

Although Snoop Lion has publicly support gay rights in the past, he said there’s no room for gays in the rap world.

When asked about Grammy Award-winning artist Frank Ocean, Snoop Lion had this to say: “Frank Ocean ain’t no rapper. He’s a singer. It’s acceptable in the singing world, but in the rap world I don’t know if it will ever be acceptable because rap is so masculine.

You can’t be in a locker room full of motherfucking tough-ass dudes, then all of a sudden say, ‘Hey, man, I like you.’ You know, that’s going to be tough.”

Gaming company Electronic Arts is on track to be ranked the Worst Company in America by the Consumerist. EA executives believe the ranking isn’t a reflection on poor performance, but its pro-equality stance. EA games frequently feature queer characters and receive emails and protests from anti-gay groups. Company spokesman Peter Moore said the poll is being inundated by anti-gay activists asking their followers to vote against EA. “In the past year, we have received thousands of emails and postcards protesting against EA for allowing players to create LGBT characters in our games. This week, we’re seeing posts on conservative web sites urging people to protest our LGBT policy by voting EA the Worst Company in America… If that’s what makes us the worst company, bring it on. Because we’re not caving on that.”

NEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 9

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

May 30th - June 2nd at Washington Square SATURDAY: ‘Today Show’ anchor comes out Weekend Today Show anchor Jenna Wolfe announced that she and her girlfriend of three years, NBC News correspondent Stephanie Gosk, are expecting a baby.

“I have big news, this is big for me” Wolfe, 39, said.

“I’m actually pregnant — I’m quite pregnant, actually. My girlfriend Stephanie, who works here at NBC— we’re expecting a baby girl in the end of August.”

She said starting a family is “the adventure of a lifetime.

She said she decided to come out so her daughter would be able to grow up in a more accepting world.

South African government to offer $10 per month HIV medication The South African government will offer a daily anti-retroviral pill that will only cost $10 per month. There are 5.6 million people living with HIV/AIDS in South Africa and health officials have struggled with ways to combat the spread of the disease and rising drug costs. The pill is expected to have fewer side effects and will replace a regime of at least three daily pills. A similar drug retails for approximately $2,000 in the U.S.

Reporter arrest for going to gay party in Saudi Arabia A journalist in Saudi Arabia was arrested for allegedly going to a gay party. The morality police, The Commission for

the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice, arrested the reporter after he allegedly confessed to going to a gay party. After searching his car police also found three bottles of alcohol. Saudi Arabia is a strong “ally” of the U.S. but it still criminalizes homosexuality. Punishments range from fines to execution.

Main Stage 4pm - 4:30pm: Alex Newell 4:30pm - 5pm: Avenue Q 5pm - 6pm: Leigh Cornu Dance 6:30pm - 6:50pm: The Femme Medea 7pm - 7:30pm: Ivy Winters & Pandora Boxx 9pm - 11pm: DJ Jen Woolfe West Stage 3pm - 6pm: RCGS Pride Pageant Dance Stage 3pm - 5pm: DJ Vita 5pm - 7pm: DJ Lishus 7pm - 9pm: DJ Panama

SUNDAY: Montana House advances bill repealing anti-gay bill Montana House members voted to repeal an obsolete state law that criminalized gay sex.

The bill cleared the house in a 64-36 vote and still needs to pass a final Senate vote before facing Gov. Steve Bullock. Rep. Bryce Bennett, who is gay, said the law shows how unequal he is in the law. Although a 1997 Montana Supreme Court case ruled the language of the bill unconstitutional, the law is still technically on the books.

“Under this law, I am considered a felon,” Bennett said. “I am not your equal.”

Bennett acknowledged that he would not face prosecution; he still feels the law’s “sting.”

Main Stage 1pm - 1:10pm: 1:10pm - 2pm: 2pm - 3pm: 3pm - 4pm: 4pm - 4:45pm: 5pm - 5:30pm:

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* Festival schedule subject to change.

Visit the Website for the Latest:

www.UtahPrideFestival.org

10 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | NEWS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Assaulted Salt Lake man says anti-gay hate motivated attackers A young Salt Lake City man who was attacked outside his home on April 4 said there were hate motives behind his assault.

Cameron Judd said he was addressing a concern with a neighbor about materials in front of his apartment that belonged to her when she began calling him anti-gay slurs. After his mother stepped in and got involved, Judd asked four nearby men to assist in breaking up the scuffle, he said.

Instead of assisting, the men punched and kicked Judd, which later required 30 stitches in his face and may require further medical care, Judd said.

After the assault, Judd said he was taken in an ambulance to the Salt Lake Regional Medical Center to receive care. While waiting for more than 30 minutes, Judd said his boyfriend asked the nurse, who he said was on a personal call, when care could be expected.

The nurse told the other person on the phone,”I have to go, gays are so dramatic,” Judd said in a video posted on his Face-

book page. Judd and his boyfriend stood up to leave, the nurse said, “The door is that way,” Judd said. He said he then walked to LDS Hospital where he received medical attention.

A SLRMC spokesperson said the hospital is limited in what information can be shared, due to federal patient privacy laws, but stressed its commitment to equal treatment.

“At Salt Lake Regional Medical Center, it is our highest priority that we provide prompt, professional care to all of our patients without regard to race, color, sex, religion, national origin, age, sexual orientation, disability or ability to pay. Each person who seeks treatment at the Salt Lake Regional

emergency department is given a medical screening exam, and if deemed appropriate, treatment is provided. However, we cannot prevent a patient from leaving our facility against medical advice,” said Joanie Brady, spokesperson for SLRMC.

7th annual Gay Day at Hogle Zoo As spring settles in across the Wasatch Front, outdoors activities are starting to take off again. At the top of the list is the seventh annual Gay Days at Hogle Zoo. While it’s not a sponsored event by the zoo, hundreds of queer people descend on the zoo clad in red to show solidarity.

This year’s event is on May 18 and will go all day.

We caught up with Scott Guymon to chat about the event’s roots and why people should participate. For more information, go to facebook.com/gaydayathoglezoo.

When was the first Gay Day at Hogle Zoo? It first began in June of 2007. It was a small group of about 20 guys. Every year it’s gotten larger and more fun.

Why have a gay day at the zoo?

I remember going to QSaltLake Day at Lagoon and thinking, ‘Hey, we could do this at the zoo!’ Hogle Zoo is an underap-

preciated attraction here in Salt Lake. It’s a beautiful zoo and an excellent opportunity for LGBT people and their families to come out and have a great time.

What goes on during the gay day at the zoo?

It’s a pretty open event. Just come with your friends or family and enjoy the animals. Like other large gay events we wear red shirts to make our presence more visible.

What is the Gay Escape?

The Gay Escape started at a group of gay men in Utah County getting together to hang out. It grew quickly as word got out and soon we started having monthly events. After a few years, the group moved to Salt Lake City and continued to grow.

Any last words for QSaltLake readers?

Come join us! You’ll have a great time and you’ll wish we did it twice a year. Gay Day at Hogle Zoo this year is May 18th. Go to facebook.com/gaydayathoglezoo for more information. We’ll see you there!

NEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 11

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Same-sex marriage support trumps traditional marriage rally Conservatives in support of “traditional marriage” people celebrated marriage as a union between a man and a woman at the Utah State Capitol on March 26. However, alongside them a hoard of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and allied counterparts lauded marriage in its diverse form.

Same-sex marriage proponents far outnumbered those invited by the conservative Sutherland Institute to a “Celebration of Marriage: Every Child Deserves a Mom and a Dad.” QSaltLake estimates 300 anti-marriage equality supporters to 500 inclusive marriage supporters.

Many gay marriage supporters held signs splayed with “Love Makes a Family” and ”Love Every Family” and ”Traditional Family Not Worried.” Supporters were mostly silent, except when a few speakers

talked about justice and equality, particularly during the Pledge of Allegiance’s “with equality and justice for all.” At the close of the gathering, the crowd erupted in ”marriage equality now,” chanting the words as marriage equality opponents filtered out of the building.

Keynote speaker Gov. Gary Herbert spoke very briefly, leading some to believe he changed his speech in light of the overwhelming presence of same-sex marriage supporters. He invoked a quote from Socrates, who is largely believed to have been gay, to the traditional marriage supporters. He also told the crowd, seemingly including the same-sex marriage supporters, that a foundation had to be laid.

“To have successful communities, we need successful families,” he said.

Alan Osmond and wife Suzanne emceed the event, and many of their children performed throughout the evening. Osmond has written articles on his website claiming homosexuality can be “cured” through “exgay therapies” and that they have a greater than 50 percent success rate. He has also said that homosexuality is an abomination.

The rally was held the same week the U.S. Supreme Court heard challenges to California’s Proposition 8 and the so-called Defense of Marriage Act. A decision is not expected until June but proponents of marriage equality were cautiously optimistic after the hearings.

Locally, the Mormon Church issued a statement to the Supreme Court: “We firmly support the divinely appointed definition of marriage as the union between a man and a woman because it is the single most important institution for strengthening children, families, and society.” Q

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12 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | NEWS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Farmers markets bring local food to your table Find locally grown produce and art at farmers markets across the state. With more than a dozen in the Wasatch Front, Utahns are never far from fresh garden-grown food.

Ashley Valley Farmers Market Old Dinosaur Gardens on Main Street, Vernal Saturdays, 8 a.m.–noon Opening day: July 6 avfarmersmarket.webs.com

Downtown Clearfield Farmers Market Lawn in front of the Clearfield Aquatic Center 825 S. State St. Wednesdays, 4–7:30 p.m.

Opening day: TBA clearfieldcity.org

Downtown Farmers Market at Ancestor Square Main Street and St. George Boulevard, St. George Saturdays, 8 a.m.–noon Opening day: May 11 ancestorsquare.com/business/ downtownfarmers.php

Duchesne Farmers Market Wallace Park, 100 W. Main St. Saturdays, 9 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: July

Gardner’s Village Farmers Market 1100 W. 7800 South Saturdays, 9 a.m.

Opening day: July 6

Harvest Market at Rockhill Creamery Farm 563 S. State St., Richmond Saturdays, 10 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: June

Hee Haw Farms Farmers Market Hee Haw Farms entrance 95 S. 2000 West, Pleasant Grove Fridays, 3–8 p.m.

Opening day: July heehawfarms.com

High Desert Growers Farmers Market Main Street and 100 East, Price Saturdays, 9 a.m.–noon Opening Day: July

Kanab Farmer’s Market 78 S. 100 East, Kanab Saturdays, 9–11 a.m.

Opening Day: June 8

Lehi Farmers Market & Boutique 988 W. State St., Lehi Saturdays, 10 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: August 17 lehifarmersmarket.com

Moab Farmers Market Swanny City Park, 100 W. Park Dr. Saturdays, 8 a.m.–noon Opening day: TBA youthgardenproject.org

Morgan Valley Farmers and Artist Market 30 N. State St. Saturdays, 9 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: August

Park Silly Sunday Market

The Pleasant Grove Promenade

Main Street, Park City Saturdays, 10 a.m.–5 p.m.

Opening day: June 9 parksillysundaymarket.com

200 North Main St. Thursdays, 4–8 p.m.

Opening day: July pgpromenade.com

People’s Market

Tuacahn Saturday MKT

Jordan Park 1000 S. 900 West, Salt Lake City Sundays, 10 a.m.–3 p.m.

Opening day: May 12 slcpeoplesmarket.org

1100 Tuacahn Dr., Ivins Saturdays, 9 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: March 9 tuacahn.org/saturdaymarket.php

SLC Downtown Farmers Market

Murray City Park, 150 E. 5200 South Saturdays, 9 a.m.–2 p.m.

Opening day: August

Pioneer Park, 300 S. 300 West Saturdays, 8 a.m.–1 p.m.

Tuesdays, 4–8:30 p.m.

Opening day: Saturday, June 8 Opening day: Tuesday, Aug. 10 slcfarmersmarket.org

Ogden Farmers Market

South Jordan Farmer’s Market

Murray Park Farmers Market

Downtown Ogden Municipal Gardens, 343 S. 25th St. Saturdays, 8 a.m.–1 p.m.

Opening day: July ogdenfarmersmarket.com

Paradise Market Paradise Town Square Park, 9000 S. 100 West Wednesdays, 6–8:30 p.m.

Opening day: June 5

Park City Farmers Market at The Canyons Resort Parking Lot (Off Hwy. 224) Wednesdays, noon–6 p.m.

Opening day: June 5 parkcityfarmersmarket.com

South Jordan Towne Center, 10610 S. Redwood Rd. Saturdays, 8 a.m.–2 p.m.

Opening day: Aug. 3 southjordanfarmersmarket.com

Sugar House Farmers Market Fabian Lakeside Pavilion in Sugar House Park, 1400 E. 2100 South Fridays, 4–8 p.m.

Opening day: July 5 sugarhousefarmersmarket.com

Thanksgiving Point Farmers Market 3003 N. Thanksgiving Way Fridays, 3–7 p.m.

Opening day: August thanksgivingpoint.com

Utah Botanical Center Farmers Market 920 S. 50 West, Kaysville Thursdays, 5–8 p.m.

Opening day: TBA utahbotanicalcenter.org

Wayne County Utah Farmers Market Robber’s Roost Bookstore, 185 W. Main St., Torrey Saturdays, 4–6:30 p.m.

Opening day: TBA waynecountyba.org

W Jordan Farmers MKT 7975 Redwood Rd. Tuesdays, 3–7 p.m.

Opening day: August ci.west-jordan.ut.us

Wheeler Farm Farmers Market 6351 S. 900 East Sundays, 9 a.m.—2 p.m.

Opening day: June 2 wheelerfarm.com

Zion Canyon Farm. MKT Bit & Spur Restaurant lawn, 1212 Zion Park Blvd., Springdale Saturdays, 9 a.m.–noon Opening day: April 27 zionharvest.org

Equality Celebration highlights advances around the state In one of Southern Utah’s largest queer gatherings, the Equality Celebration will feature filmmakers Dustin Lance Black and Reed Cowan. The dinner, silent auction and gala will be held on May 18 at the Dixie Convention Center in St. George, Utah.

Black is the Oscar-winning screenwriter of Milk, J. Edgar and other films. He was also the Utah Pride Festival grand marshal last year. Cowan is a former Utahn who wrote and directed the Sundance Film Festival selection 8: The Mormon Proposition.

“Equality Celebration is really a celebration of community and the LGBT community within the grander scale of Southern Utah,” said Equality Utah Executive Director Brandie Balken.

The event is in its third

Quips&Quotes

“

The permissiveness afforded by the weakening of the laws of the land to tolerate legalized acts of immorality does not reduce the serious spiritual consequences that result from the violation of God’s law of chastity…

Tolerance is a virtue, but, like all virtues, when exaggerated it transforms itself into a vice.”

—Boyd K. Packer, Mormon apostle

year and has continued to grow. This year, more than 400 participants are expected and the location has changed to a larger room to accommodate for the growing need.

“I think what we’re seeing is the continual growth of the LGBT community. For a long time there was this belief that you had to live in Salt Lake City to make a difference.

I don’t think that’s the case anymore. There’s energy and effort all around the state and things are really happening all over for equality,” Balken said. “We’re seeing individual communities stepping up and making a difference.”

With 16 municipalities around the state enacting antibias protections, the movement toward equality is greater than ever, Balken said. This year promises to be especially

“ “

There’s obviously an increasing mood on supporting gay marriage, but it is not a well thought-out position by the American public… The Republican Party’s not going to change on this issue. In my opinion it would be suicidal if it did.”

—Rick Santorum

After lengthy consideration, my views have evolved sufficiently to support marriage equality legislation.

This position doesn’t require any religious denomination to alter any of its tenets; it simply forbids government from discrimination regarding who can marry whom.”

—Sen. Tim Johnson

powerful with the sponsor of a statewide nondiscrimination bill, Republican Sen. Stephen Urquhart, coming from St. George, she said.

The event is a perfect opportunity to see gorgeous St. George, Utah, meet new people and experience a spirited audience of equality-minded individuals, Balken said. Black will give a speech and meet with audience members in an intimate gathering, she said.

“Black is very invested in the work we’re doing in Utah.

He sees the benefits of local politics. And I think he was more than happy to be present for this event, which is really at the heart of local and grassroots organizing,” she said Tickets are $75 per person and include a reception, dinner, entertainment and an after-party. To sponsor the event or purchase tickets, go to equalityutah.org.

“

For a Catholic to receive holy communion and still deny the revelation Christ entrusted to the church is to try to say two contradictory things at once: ‘I believe the church offers the saving truth of Jesus, and I reject what the church teaches.’ In effect, they would contradict themselves. This sort of behavior would result in publicly renouncing one’s integrity and logically bring shame for a double-dealing that is not unlike perjury.”

—Edward Peters, Vatican legal adviser

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NEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 13

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

14 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | NEWS

Drive to Pride Here is a collection of Pride Festivals within a day’s drive that you may want to attend.

Boise Pride June 14–15

After taking a full week to recover from the Utah Pride festivities, pack up the car and pool together some gas money. Each year the festival grows and last year more than 10,000 people attended the event.

This year’s planned activities include various parties, pageants and movies. Be sure to check out The Balcony, Lucky Dog Tavern and Club Sin. BoisePride.org.

Bisbee Pride June 14–16

Bisbee, Ariz. recently challenged state law and legalized civil unions for gay couples.

The town is an artist’s haven and was rated in the top five rural gay Pride festivals in the country by Gay.com. The town has a population of about 6,000 people, but the festival attracts hundreds of people every year. Events include a lingerie pub crawl, belly dancers and a leather night. bisbeepride.com.

not as i do Ala. conservative caught with homecoming king Alabama Attorney General Troy King made headlines for trying to outlaw adult novelty toys in his state. He argued for a moral society with stricter, more Christian-like regulations. He was especially against any gay-themed adult toys and items. However, the conservative was caught in 2009 by his wife while he was in bed with a local homecoming king from Troy University.

He later exited the world of politics, but he will forever go down as one of the most ironic and hypocritical anti-gay activist. , plays itself out in beautiful symmetry.

Washington lawmaker caught in gay sex scandal Republican Rep. Richard Curtis had a strong anti-gay history and voted against domestic partnership legislation as well as an antibias bill. Shortly after his votes, he resigned from the House after reports of his sexual

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Denver Pride June 15–16

The Denver PrideFest is one of the largest in the Western United States. After 35 years, this festival now attracts more than 250,000 people each year. With more than 200 booths, four stages and more bar sponsors than Lindsey Lohan could hop in a night, this festival routinely makes the list of the top 10 Pride festivals in the country.

DenverPrideFest.org.

Flagstaff Pride June 15–16

The ‘Pride in the Pines’ festival is expected to draw thousands of attendees to the parade and other activities. The first Pride festival in Flagstaff in 1996 drew about 300 people, but now it’s one of the most popular events for the Northern Arizona.

Several local bars will be hosting events throughout the week. This year also features the premiere of a queer-themed music festival.

FlagstaffPride.org.

Four Corners Pride June 20–22

The festival in Durango, Colo. is designed as an outreach for all lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and allies in the surrounding community. Festivities in the park include encounter with a male escort were made public in 2007. The escort said he took photographic evidence of the tryst because Curtis promised him $1,000 but only gave him $200. The escort said Curtis was wearing a red negligee and there is photographic evidence.

Spokane mayor removed after gay sex scandal Spokane, Wash. Mayor Jim West fought against gay rights in his community. He supported a bill banning gays from working in schools and a bill that would ban the state from distributing pamphlets containing safety information about HIV and AIDS. He went as far to propose that “any touching of the sexual or other intimate parts of a person” among teens be considered a criminal act. However, a local newspaper entered one of the sites where West met men, gay. com, and masqueraded as a young man. The mayor allegedly promised the journalists pretending to be young gay men jobs with the city in exchange for sex. He was later removed from office in a recall election.

food, music, a children’s booth and an information area to raise awareness and create a stronger sense of community within the Four Corners. They also hold a Pride Festival Float Parade on the Animas River. The Four Corner’s Pride Council will also sponsor a campout July 18–22 at McPhee Reservoir.

4cglad.org

Reno Pride Aug. 17

Reno celebrates 17 years of Pride festivals this year with the biggest anticipated crowd ever. The event kicks off with a celebratory party in the park on Friday night and the party continues through Sunday.

Reno has several gay bars and is very welcoming to the gay community. renogaypride.com.

Moab Pride Sept. 27–28

With two extremely successful festivals, Moab Pride is starting to gain a reputation as an important Utah event. The festival helps raise awareness in scenic Central Utah. Moab Pride is a perfect weekend getaway with hiking, biking, climbing, rafting, Jeeping and much more. moabpride.org.

Las Vegas Pride Sep. 6–7

Las Vegas is the perfect destination for many Utah queens, queers and party-goers.

But of course the opportunity to party in the town that never sleeps with thousands of other gays descending from around the world is just too good to pass up. lasvegaspride.org

NEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 15

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Pride around the globe May

Seattle Pride

Paris Bear Pride

Paris Pride

Long Beach Pride

July

May 11–12 May 18–19

D.C. Black Pride May 25–27

June 28–30

London Pride July 21–28

Provincetown Bear Week

Disney World Gay Days

San Diego Pride

May 30–June 2

Utah Pride

May 31–June 2

Capital Pride, Washington D.C. May 7–9

June

July 13–21 July 12–14

San Francisco Dore Alley

Key West Pride June 7–9

Los Angeles Pride June 7–9

Athens Pride June 7–9

Boston Pride June 4–9

Portland Pride June 15–16

New York City Pride June 28–30

Denver Pride June 15–16

Aug. 28–Sept. 2

September Las Vegas Pride Sept. 6–7

Orlando Bear Bash Sept. 26–29

Austin Gay Pride Sept. 7

Dallas Pride Sept. 15

Sept. 27–28

Chicago Pride

Atlanta Pride

New Orleans Pride

November

Toronto Pride

Buenos Aires Pride

Cleveland Pride

Palm Springs Pride

San Francisco Pride

Rio de Janeiro Pride

June 21–30 June 29

June 29–30

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Utah Pride Center moving to new location near Library Square

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

questions about the move, email thecenter@utahpridecenter.org.Utah Pride Center moving to new location The Utah Pride Center will be moving to 255 E. 400 South, Salt Lake City on April 20. The The Utah Pride Center will be station, making the space more move will be completed by moving to 255 E. 400 South, accessible to everyone,” a Pride June 31. Café Marmalade will Salt Lake City on April 20. The Center release said. close permanently on April 13. move will be completed by There will be no change The Youth Activity Center and June 31. Café Marmalade will in operating hours or group Trans* Program will remain in close permanently on April 13. scheduling procedures. Renderthe current location until after The Youth Activity Center and ings of how the fully renovated the 2013 Pride Festival.

Trans* Program will remain in building will look will be on “Our new offices will the current location until after display and an open-house will provide much larger public the 2013 Pride Festival. be scheduled sometime in July spaces and meeting rooms, as “Our new offices will to give everyone a chance to well as facilitating more social provide much larger public see the new space. and network gatherings. We spaces and meeting rooms, as Pride employees and volunare also right next to a Trax well as facilitating more social teers are working on raising station, making the space more and network gatherings. We $2.5 million to renovate the accessible to everyone,” a Pride are also right next to a Trax 6,000-square-foot building. The Center release said.

There will be no change in operating hours or group scheduling procedures. Renderings of how the fully renovated building will look will be on display and an open-house will be scheduled sometime in July to give everyone a chance to see the new space.

Pride employees and volunJohn Gorka teers are working on raising May 17-18 $2.5 million to renovate the 6,000-square-foot building. The efforts are being made through a team of business leaders and philanthropists.

Utah Pride has served the State of Utah’s lesbian, gay, chortle chuckle crack up crow bisexual and transgender for more than two whoop cheer delight enjoyment community decades and has been housed in die laughing fracture giggle grin current location since 1998. entertainment fun gratification its“As we look ahead, we realStand-Up guffaw howlComedy roar roll in the aisles ize our opportunity to grow laughs laughter merriment mirth thrive as a critical resource May 3-4 snicker snort side-splitting titter and of the state and community pleasing pleasure regalement will rely on visionary leaders, whoop cheer delight enjoyment who through their philanwhoopee cheer delight enjoyment thropy will have an impact entertainment fun gratification in an especially tangible and chortle chuckle crack up crow meaningful way,” the release grins high time hilarity hoopla said. Q “Miracles”, “Somebody to Love” efforts are being made through a team of business leaders and philanthropists.

Utah Pride has served the State of Utah’s lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community for more than two decades and has been housed in its current location since 1998.

“As we look ahead, we realize our opportunity to grow and thrive as a critical resource of the state and community will rely on visionary leaders, who through their philanthropy will have an impact in an especially tangible and meaningful way,” the release said.

For those interested in making a donation to support the “Getting Centered Campaign,” go to utahpridecenter.org. For

May 24-25 • 8pm • Tickets $35+

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die laughing fracture giggle grin For those interested in making a donalaughs laughter merriment mirthtion to support the “Getting Centered guffaw howl roar roll in the aisle Campaign,” go to utahpridecenter.org. For pleasing pleasure regalement questions about the move, email thecendie laughing fracture giggle grin ter@utahpridecenter.org.

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NEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 17

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

The Grand Theatre Proudly Presents

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18 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

“ “ “ “

I think this is the first Pride where the entertainment is actually relevant to the current time frame.”

views

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

QSaltLake Magazine welcomes your letters to the editor.

10 things we heard last month

—Erin Bain

I really wish they would have George Takai or Neil Patrick Harris as grand marshal.”

—Abdul Mardini

Please send your letter of 300 words or less to letters@ gaysaltlake.com.

We reserve the right to edit for length or libel if a letter is chosen for publication.

All of the clubs have really stepped their game up too.

This year is going to be the biggest Pride yet!”

—Jeffery Hacker

The principle behind gay marriage is right. And it is that very principle that has been mostly ignored, until now. And that is why we WILL win. Glenn Beck must be so distraught with his current epiphany.”

—Jack Strickland

We had to leave the state because we are trying to adopt two children from a woman that has had 9 that she has never reared. I’ve thought about suing myself since this has almost ruined us. We own a home in Utah and can’t even live there for fear we will lose the kids we have had for two years, 26 months and 4 years old.”

“ “

—Angie Keisler

I was at the rally and I have to say the amount of support that showed up for our gay community was absolutely beautiful and amazing!”

—Rachael Roller

Loved the overpowering presence we had at the event.

I doubt they really had 300 people on their side there but we had to have more than 500!”

—Cole Wilkes

“

I’m disappointed that the Pride Center seems to have set itself up as Utah’s Queer Pope, offering homophobia indulgences for a few dollars.

What do we tell the queer kids at Queer Prom: ‘You get to eat the same food that was provided to the homophobic Boy Scouts.’? How is this supposed to prove It Gets Better?”

—Todd B.

“

Getting the balance right? I say good for them. Kids in the Scout-a-Rama aren’t the ones making the calls and supporting Queer Prom is awesome. Looks like Wingers is mostly concerned with our youth in these regards.”

—Jack Strickland

“

Chipotle Rocks! I like Chipotle because they at least make an effort to buy locally grown and raised food products, use recycled bowls, napkins, etc. Check it out for yourself sometime by comparing the waste you will throw in the trash at other restaurants (Wendy’s, KFC, etc.) to that at a Chipotle.

Some Chipotle restaurants even generate their own power!”

—Thomas Tracy Zornes

VIEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 19

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

from the editor

Packer’s tolerance hits home

by Seth Bracken

Much like

many gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgender people in Utah, when I came out, it was difficult for my Mormon family to understand. There were tears, frustration and many awkward conversations. But it got better.

After a few years I felt comfortable talking to my mom and my brothers didn’t seem to be bothered by my sexuality. I have the utmost respect for the journey my family has taken.

I know it’s not easy for them to accept and although it’s difficult, I am proud of them and so grateful for the progress that has been made. But after hearing about a speech given by one of the Mormon leaders at a semi-annual gathering, I was nervous to read the speech.

With great trepidation I opened the text copy of the words from Boyd Packer. He spoke of immorality and the desire God’s children must maintain to eschew all stains on their souls. Much of the speech seemed rather pedestrian. But when he spoke of tolerance it became relevant to me and to my family.

His speech reads as follows: “The permissiveness afforded by the weakening of the laws of the land to tolerate legalized acts of immorality does not reduce the serious spiritual consequences that result from the violation of God’s law of chastity,” Packer said. “Tolerance is a virtue, but, like all virtues, when exaggerated it transforms itself into a vice. We need to be careful of the ‘tolerance trap’ so that we are not swallowed up in it.”

Packer is no stranger to controversy and comments he made a few years ago claiming no loving God would make his children gay sparked national press as well as a large protest.

The second-in-line to lead the Mormon Church also authored a pamphlet that lauded a young man for assaulting a young gay man.

But none of those comments struck home quite like his comments about tolerance. My wonderful family has moved far beyond tolerance. They no longer tolerate me — they love me and even accept me.

They still may not celebrate my sexual orientation, but we have made so much progress. And when Packer says comments about a “tolerance trap,” I immediately wonder how my mom interprets the speech. I wonder if she feels she should be a little less loving toward me. I wonder if she feels conflicted because she realizes that I never chose to be gay and that I’m never going to be attracted to women. But most of all, I wonder if Packer gives a second thought to the potential damage he can cause gay Mormons and their family members. I wonder if he even cares.

As an optimistic atheist I have a hard time understanding religious dogma, but when leaders knowingly participate in such blatant attacks on a marginalized group, I become especially disenchanted. I just hope that as new generations of Mormons take over the helm, they don’t continue the anti-gay rhetoric and demonizing. Q

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gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

thinking out loud

The Thrill of It –

Remembering the crazy beauty of the coming-out years

By Abby Dees

Last night

my partner and I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower, the sweet, slightly retro coming-of-age film featuring Emma Watson in her big post- Potter debut. The plot was more or less about teenagers hanging out after curfew at the park or in cars, talking about lives they’d yet to live. My partner mused, “Remember how amazing those little things were when you were young?” Oh, absolutely. The film took me back to a time when sharing a contraband cigarette with a kid who was cooler than me could lift me up for a week before I’d revert to being a miserable adolescent. I think this is what 16-year-old superblogger Tavi Gevinson meant recently when she said that amidst the inevitable horribleness of being a teenager, there were “moments of gleaming joy and beauty.”

At what point then did the delicious-

ness of being slightly delinquent with my friends become merely boring? If I hung out at a park at midnight with my friends now, we’d probably get arrested – if we didn’t fall asleep first. Sadly, and just as inevitably, at some point in adulthood that exquisite brew of limitless possibility, hormones and fear morphs into acceptance, equilibrium and experience. More useful, but far less exciting.

The last time I remember feeling that magic was in the first few years of being “out” as a lesbian. After a while things, though, got ordinary, and going to clubs or Pride marches became predictable, though pleasant enough. My hormones mellowed, my world expanded and being gay stopped being so notable, which is how it should be, I suppose, with the passage of time.

Most of us, no matter how old we are when we come out, briefly experience a

sanctity of marriage Convicted murderer sues after inappropriate relationship with a legal aide A man convicted of torturing and murdering a gay Utahn successfully sued the Idaho government because of an “inappropriate” relationship with a legal aide.

Lance Wood was convicted of brutally torturing and killing Gordon Church in 1987.

A federal judge sided with Wood and ruled that a state senator’s wife overstepped her role as a legal assistant.

Last November Renee McKenzie, wife of Republican Sen. Curt McKenzie, was appointed to help Wood. Investigators found the two had unmonitored

phone conversations lasting more than 90 hours between December and February. On Feb. 7, they barred McKenzie from visiting Wood. During some recorded conversations McKenzie told Wood she loved him and that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

Texas man accused of burning, beating wife to death Texas attorneys closed arguments in a case against a man accused of beating his wife to death and setting her house on fire.

Jason Bouchard defended pro se in the capital murder trial. He said his actions were justified because he believes his wife was sexually assaulting one of

their children. The couple’s children were in the home at the time of the fire, but were not injured. If convicted, Bouchard could face the death penalty and will face a minimum sentence of life in prison.

Ariz. man admits to strangling wife of 30 years An Arizona man called 911 and told dispatchers he strangled his wife of more than three decades. Michael Cohn, 61, waited an hour before calling authorities and he did not attempt to revive her, according to court documents. While on the phone with the 911 operator, he told authorities he strangled her and it was too late to revive her. He submitted to police willingly and without incident.

kind of adolescence, if you will: a few years when the most mundane moments take on epic meaning. The doors open and we step over the threshold into blazing Technicolor, after what felt like an age trapped in muted tones and waiting…for something.

All fear and trepidation (there’s lots of that) get completely mowed over by the thrill that we are, at last, totally alive.

It’s easy to forget what that feels like until something (e.g., Emma Watson standing up in the open sun roof of a racing car while Bowie’s grand gift to freaks, “Heroes,” blasts through the stereo) triggers old memories. And it’s easy to smirk at those newbies who are “all gay all the time” as if it’s no big deal to be out, even though “f@#got” continues to be a ubiquitous and vicious slur.

When my friend’s 13-year-old son came out of the closet (not really to anyone’s surprise), he turned right into a miniature Harvey Milk. It was kind of annoying to be lectured about LGBT history that we all remembered first hand, and which he’d only just discovered on the Internet. Nonetheless, I told my friend to resist the urge to ask her son to talk about anything other than being gay. He was both a teenager and newly out, I argued, and was entitled to enjoy those moments of passionate discovery — or “gleaming joy” — for a little while more.

But most of the time I forget to cut people slack for still being in the throes of discovery. I think it embarrasses me to remember the moment when I realized I might find someone to love after all, or when I learned that I wasn’t the only one who felt how I did. I imagine how it looks to straight people who wonder why gays are so obsessed with being gay, and I don’t want anyone to think that LGBT people actually regress when we come out.

It’s not regression, after all, when we never got to experience some of those key moments of belonging, of first crushes, or tell-all friendship that others got to. And yes, there comes a time when it’s important to move on into the ordinary world.

Right now, though, if you’re still caught up in those simple moments of endless possibility, I admit that I’m a little envious. Promise me that you won’t forget it later. Q Abby is a civil rights attorney-turned-author who has been in the LGBT rights trenches for over 25 years. Her site is queerquestionsstraighttalk.com

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

VIEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 21

the straight line

A crisis of conscience

by Bob Henline

Joe

Schmucky (fictional) started attending meetings of the Ku Klux Klan at the urging of his neighbor, Billy Bubba. He enjoyed the camaraderie, the feeling of belonging, so he kept going. He didn’t participate in protests or lynchings; he just went to the meetings, donated a few dollars and remained a member of the local Klan.

So where is the outrage when this discrimination is perpetrated upon our LGBT citizens?

Some time later another neighbor expressed to Joe his concern about his racism. Joe, of course, denies being a racist, he just likes the company.

Does anyone really believe that Joe isn’t a racist? He goes to the meetings of a racist group, he gives them support, both in terms of his presence and his money. Sounds pretty racist to me.

Just for argument’s sake, let’s substitute the Church of Latter-day Saints for Ku Klux Klan.

Outlandish you say? Farfetched? I beg to differ.

The LDS Church has been waging a constant battle against the LGBT community of not only Utah, but across the nation. They have retained the Salt Lake City law firm of Kirton McConkie and attorney

Von Keetch to file an amicus brief with the United States Supreme Court arguing in favor of restricting the rights of LGBT Americans on the basis of their moral standards.

Let’s try another experiment.

What if we substitute “samesex” for “interracial” in this marriage equation.

Outrage! Disgust! That’s just racist and wrong!

So where is the outrage when this discrimination is perpetrated upon our LGBT citizens?

We are well beyond the point at which people of conscience need to make a stand.

There are no sidelines in matters of conscience, and this is a matter of conscience. This is a very simple and fundamental issue: either you believe that all are equal under the law or you do not.

The LDS Church is a hate group. Plain and simple. They put a pretty bow on it and they sell it better than anyone I’ve ever seen, but it’s still just hate and bigotry. The only differences between the LDS and KKK are that the KKK is more honest about it and the LDS sell it better.

Like Joe Schmucky, we all have a choice to make. If you choose to remain a member, attend meetings, or give donations, you have chosen to be complicit in, and an accessory to, that organization’s behavior. In this particular case, that organization is seeking to institutionalize bigotry into law, to deny to others the freedoms to which they themselves so desperately cling.

Where does your conscience lead you? Q

June 1st Race starts on Capitol Boulevard Runners, joggers and walkers of all stripes are invited to participate. The 5K course will take participants past Salt Lake’s beautiful Capitol building, City Creek Canyon, and finish in Memory Grove.

Visit the Website to Register:

www.UtahPrideFestival.org

22 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

lambda lore

Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah — part II Editor’s note: The following is the second in a two-part series.

The month

of August in Utah was hot and so was its 1987 Council Meeting. Graham Bell related how Dr. Craig Nichols, the state’s epidemiologist, was refusing to use federal AIDS funds intended for the gay community. Then John Sassaman resigned as pro tem chair as his health steadily declined due to AIDS. Before he did, there was a major blow up between Sassaman and Bell over how the council would be organized. After many heated words, the council voted to postpone the official organizing once again, which made people angry.

Privately, Sassaman had told me that some members of the council had sabotaged all attempts at organizing except on their terms. He told me that he no longer had the strength to fight against those who wanted to use the council for their own agendas. At the meeting, a feisty election took place between Mark Lamar, Lyle Bradley and John Bennett, all running for the position of Chair. Bennett was elected and Bradley was elected vice chair.

After the heady, confrontational August meeting, September’s meeting was contrite. It had a smaller turn out than usual, but the council did decide to form a committee to record anti-gay attacks. ­Michael Aaron agreed to chair the committee because of his involvement with his own Anti-Violence Project. After the resignation of Sassaman, Triangle Magazine folded and Satu Servigna, a gay woman, announced to the council she had taken over the Triangle and it was undergoing a transformation to be more of a community digest. That magazine existed until 1990 when Servigna’s health issues forced her to shut it down.

Finally, in October 1987, the community council held an organizational meeting at Beauchaine’s Aardvark Café. The fivehour meeting of 11 gay men and one gay woman struggled with creating bylaws to set procedures for voting, membership and

a statement of purpose. I and others were bound and determined that solo activists, who represent no one but themselves, would not have equal status with leaders of organizations who represented groups of people. The council, I argued, was established as a place for organizations to network with each other, not to push the personal agendas of some people. I passed a motion — which was adopted — that individuals would have one vote and organizations would have three members and three votes, ensuring that organizations would dominate the council. While the bylaws could not be officially adopted until voted on in November, we did name the organization The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah.

At the first anniversary of the GLCCU, over 40 people were present. Bell spurred a lively and heated debate for 3½ hours trying to persuade the council to endorse him as head of a liaison committee to the Mayor of Salt Lake. GLCCU voted against Bell. My main concern was his lack of accountability to the gay community,, of which he would say they are representing. Accusations were voiced about Bell’s veracity, there were tears, there was outrage. It was very emotional.

Many felt he was setting himself up as a king maker, others genuinely believed he was trying to strengthen our gay influence in the Mayor’s office. The vote was 11 yay and 22 nay and 4 abstaining. I voted no because I wondered how Bell would hope to represent the community when he tried so little to compromise. Everyone at the council wanted a mayoral liaison.

That idea was sound. That wasn’t the issue.

It was who would decide the criteria for those appointed to the committee. That, and the perceived token representation of the lesbian community on the liaison committee, was Bell’s downfall.

It was 9:30 p.m. before the council got to the rest of the night’s agenda. Beau Chaine was asking for $250 to help maintain the Gay Help Line for the holidays — when the most suicide calls occur. The council

voted to give him $75 from its meager funds. When it was my turn to give an organizational report, I reported on the formation of the Utah Names Project, along with Ben Barr, to create panels for AIDS victims. I also announced the newly formed Unconditional Support for Gays and Lesbians, and spoke of the needs of KRCL’s Concerning Gays and Lesbians, of which I was now a co-host to producer Becky Moss. It was after 11 p.m. when the meeting closed. It was out of control.

That’s the price of democracy.

Eventually the council incorporated with the state of Utah and filed for a nonprofit status with the IRS. An AIDS subcommitIt was after 11 p.m. tee, a public when the meeting relation subcommitclosed. It was out of tee and the control. That’s the Utah Stoneprice of democracy. wall Center subcommittee joined the Pride Day and AVP committees. The GLCCU organized rallies and protests, and worked with the city which recognized the council on the same status as any other community council in Salt Lake neighborhoods.

The long-lasting value of the GLCCU, however, was that for the first time the movers-and-shakers, as well as passive onlookers, of the queer community were talking with each other face to face. We got to know each other, and while there was never a total agreement on all issues, the council was a representational forum for the entire community. Anyone could join, pay their 10 dollars and have a say and a vote.

Salt Lake City was light years ahead of any other gay community in America by exercising representational democracy. I miss that. I miss that an 18-year-old or an 81-year-old could help make policy for gay Utah. Maybe it will come back some day. Q

VIEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 23

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

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gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

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By D’Anne Witkowski

There are

few topics that raise the collective temperatures of Americans on all sides as much as gun control and gay marriage. At first blush, it seems like the two debates are separate without much to connect them. I mean, shooting people and marrying people are pretty different things.

So it would take a real master of rhetoric to combine the two in one astounding argument.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet United States Congressman Louie Gohmert (RTexas, duh), member of the newly minted Tea Party Unity organization.

While discussing gun control in a recent conference call he addressed the idea that the number of rounds in a magazine should be limited to, say, ten, because, fun fact, you can kill and maim an awful lot of people in a very short amount of time when you don’t have to stop and reload.

Gohmert responded, “Well, once you make it ten, then why would you draw the line at ten? What’s wrong with nine?

Or eleven? And the problem is once you draw that limit. It’s kind of like marriage when you say it’s not a man and a woman any more, then why not have three men and one woman, or four women and one man, or why not somebody has a love for an animal?”

Yes, indeed it is “kind of like marriage” if you equate vowing to spend the rest of your life with someone and being legally recognized as a family with a large capacity magazine being emptied out into the bodies of people in order to kill them.

And if Gohmert doesn’t see the difference between those two things then I think he and his wife should really get some counseling, quick.

Of course, Gohmert isn’t content to just make a comparison between gun control and marriage control, he’s got to bring polygamy and bestiality into it, too, to show

off his command of the slippery slope argumentative fallacy, a favorite among anti-gay conservatives. Because if two women can get married then why not three men and four wives and six goats and a partridge in a pear tree? You can’t argue with - or follow, for that matter - logic like that.

Gohmert continued, “There is no clear place to draw the line once you eliminate the traditional marriage and it’s the same once you start putting limits on “It’s kind of like what guns can be used, marriage when you then it’s just say it’s not a man really easy and a woman any to have laws that make more, then why not them all ilhave three men and legal.” one woman, or four Got that?

Lines are women and one hard and man, or why not confussomebody has a love ing! And in Gohmert’s for an animal?” world are apparently all drawn in chalk in the middle of a rainstorm. He seems to be forgetting that humans draw lines all of the time and, for the most part, all hell does not break loose.

Take speed limits for example. States set the limits, we follow them, and if we don’t we can get pulled over and given a ticket.

Speed limits also have changed over time, which is why Sammy Hagar’s “I Can’t Drive 55,” a cutting edge lament in 1984, is but a rock and roll relic today.

So you see? “Lines” (also known as laws) such as these are drawn and redrawn over time and the process does not involve humans having sex with animals of any kind.

Unless, of course, they do things differently in Gohmert’s district in Texas. Q

Read us online at GaySaltLake.com

VIEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 25

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

a mom’s view

What My Mom Taught Me

by Leesa Myers

“When one door closes another opens; it’s just hell in the hallway”

My sweet

mother, Rayola died January 26, 2013; only 77 years young. My mom had a very full life but also a painful one. She had a back fusion at 38, then later 2 hip replacements, 2 knee replacements and 1 shoulder replacement. I called her the million dollar woman. She struggled with alcoholism and her weight losing 100lbs twice in her life.

Mother had 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl (me) then after 18 years of marriage my father left for another woman, leaving mom to raise 4 children. She began working as a waitress during the day and a bartender at night. At one point working 3 jobs, when the divorce was final my mom was awarded the house and all its past due payments, not knowing my father had not paid them.

We were evicted and mom put everyone’s belongings in a friend’s basement. That friend got rid of everything when mom was out of town – We lost it all. Mom forgave her friend, saying you can replace stuff, you can’t replace people. Mom, me, and my younger brother moved in with her sister’s family in a two bedroom home.

Mom was tending bar in Murray when the carnival came to town. Mom got to know some of the people and started dating one of them. We joined the carnival for about 2 months until the money ran out and ended up at my mom’s brother’s home in Arizona. My mom was drinking a fifth of vodka a day. My uncle told mom she could stay and not drink or leave but he was going to keep me and my brother.

Mom stopped drinking her withdrawals and DT’s almost killed her.

We moved back to Utah about 8 months later. Mom’s second marriage lasted 6 weeks, over the next 10 years my mom married 4 more men, one of them my husband’s father, and yes my mom used to say Leesa is a great daughter but a lousy step daughter. For a short time my husband I and were step brother and sister. She started to write a book and called it; “With Seven Do I Get a Discount?”

Mom was known for her wit and humor.

She had a very hard life, but she always tried to see the bright side of things. That’s where my positive attitude comes from.

My mother changed her life, she found Alcoholics Anonymous, and she had 30+ years of sobriety.

My mom had her own apartment and she would say that nothing is better than a good book, a sweet tea and a peppermint in your mouth. She would often say how blessed she was.

Mom would never say no if she could help you; she made over 300 calls for the Utah Gay Chamber events.

Here are some of those truisms she would often say; “You have not truly lived until you have eaten the best food, had the best drink, and had the best sex and great adventures.” “You can spread jam on peanut butter but you cannot spread peanut butter on jam.” “Do not expect anything and you will not be disappointed.”

Mom taught me a lot about life and people both good and bad. I am proud and honored to call her my best friend and my mom. I miss you. Q Leesa@LeesaMyers.com

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2. so please, knock it off. 3.

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26 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

wtf?!

Oklahoma House votes to recognize straight marriage Oklahoma lawmakers voted 84–0 to favor a resolution announcing state support for marriage being reserved for heterosexual couples.

Before the vote, 13 Democrats walked out of the chambers and openly gay Rep. Kay Floyd said he wouldn’t even justify the resolution with a vote. He expressed his desire to be completely disassociated with the bill.

The bill’s sponsor, Rep. Bob Cleveland, told a local radio station he wasn’t homophobic but trying to focus on the moral fiber of the state.

“There have been a few emails saying that I’m spewing hate. I didn’t say anything about hate. There’s no hate in there at all,” Cleveland said.

Oklahoma already has a constitutional ban on gay marriage.

ACLU fights law that bans sex between teens of same sex The American Civil Liberties Union of Nevada is filling a suit to overturn a state law that criminalizes consensual sex between minors. The law dictates that sex between two minors is an “infamous crime against nature” if the couple is of the same sex. The law carries a five-year prison sentence.

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The ACLU filed suit on behalf of an anonymous client who was prosecuted for being in a relationship with another man while they were both 17.

“Elko County prosecutors used the law to prosecute a minor for a consensual sexual relationship with another teenager even though both of them were above the age of consent,” said Staci Pratt, legal director for the ACLU of Nevada. “If the couple had been a boy and a girl rather than two boys, their conduct would not have been a crime.”

The teen was arrested last year. The statute, enacted in 1979, remains on the books even though Nevada repealed laws against “crimes against nature” between consenting adults back in 1993.

like French lawmakers move marriage equality bill forward After clearing a difficult vote in the legislature, a bill legalizing marriage equality

Marriage equality gains more support Support for marriage equality has increased in every state over the last decade, according to a report by the Williams Institute. Currently,

in France is much closer to

support for gay marriage

becoming law. After more

is around 36 percent in

than 10 hours of debate, the

Utah. However, a major-

French Senate voted 179-157

ity of citizens support gay

to approve a controversial

marriage in the following

section that would simply remove all references to gender on marriage applications. This

states: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Maine, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Rhode

was the most contested por-

Island, Vermont, Washington

tion of the bill and it appears

and the District of Columbia.

it will clear the legislature by

If public opinion continues,

June and move to President

at least eight more states will

Francois Hollande’s desk. Hol-

have a majority support by

lande has promised to sign the bill and even campaigned on marriage equality as a core issue. Protests for and against

2014. Six states since 2009 have passed laws introducing marriage equality, while five more have passed civil union legislation. Nationally, more

the bill have drawn thousands

than 50 percent of Americans

to the capitol over the past

support gay marriage, accord-

few months.

ing to the poll.

VIEWS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 27

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

who’s your daddy?

A Few of My Favorite Things

by Christopher Katis

Raindrops

on roses and whiskers on kittens?

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens? Brown paper packages tied up with strings? Actually, none of those are a few of my favorite things. But here are Who’s Your Daddy’s family-friendly most fabulous!

Best way to spend a rainy day: The Natural ­History Museum of Utah. The museum really is impressive. Where else can kids of all ages learn about the five

Bob Henline is a much better gay man than I could ever be.

native nations of Utah, hold a hissing cockroach, and dig for dinosaur bones? Stop by the Utah Museum of Fine Arts and Red Butte Gardens to make a day of it. (Someone at the “U” really needs to listen to my idea for a three-in-one membership!)

Best “chain” restaurant: ­Chipotle. If including organic and locally-grown ingredients wasn’t enough, Utah’s Chipotle restaurants pulled out of a big scouting event over the BSA’s ban on gay scouts and leaders. Plus, last time I ordered a beer they asked for my ID. Best school: Saint Sophia

Hellenic Orthodox School. Even more impressive than small class sizes and great test scores, is the fact that kids of every race, religion, and ability are celebrated, nurtured and embraced for who they are.

LGBT families are welcomed with open arms.

Best lazy summer day destination: Liberty Park.

Whether it’s playing in the water feature, cruising around the lake in a paddle boat, or seeing the amazing birds at Tracy Aviary there’s no better way to spend a Summer day. Be sure to enjoy the rides in the mini amusement park — the boys and I love the vintage Ferris wheel!

Best show of courage: Tory Lawson. So Tory’s aunt used to be married to my brother, which makes him my nephew as far as I’m concerned. But he was born my niece. Recently, he started the transformation into the man he was supposed to be. His bravery and courage are inspiring.

Best family hike: Lisa Falls. Only about 2.5 miles up the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon, this is a super easy hike for all ages leading to a beautiful waterfall. Enjoy the shade, the water and being in nature. But keep an eye out: last year the boys and their cousins saw a big old rattle snake.

Best friend to LGBT community and our families: Bob Henline. My dear friend and fellow columnist, Bob, is an unwavering, in-your-face advocate for equality. He’s always the first one on the front line and never backs down.

He’s a much better gay man than I could ever be. Love you, Pumpkin!

Best pizza: Settebello.

Amazingly authentic, the pizzas are cooked in a 1000-degree wood burning oven, and only take about a minute to cook. The salads are so good even finicky young eaters will snarf them down. And be sure to step next door for some mouth-watering dessert at Capo Gelateria!

Best Republican: Steve Urquhart. Yeah, me recognizing a Republican is pretty far out there. But Sen. Urquhart bucked his party and the Eagle Forum to sponsor a state-wide anti-bias bill. Way

to go, Senator!

Best According to Gus and Niko: Antelope Island State Park. With beaches, grasslands and mountain trails, there’s plenty to explore on the island. Just a quick drive across the causeway from Syracuse, the island is home to bison, pronghorn sheep (antelope), deer, big horn sheep, jack rabbits, coyotes and thousands of birds. It’s a great place to spend a day getting in touch with nature. The boys deem it awesome.

I’d like to dedicate this column to our wonderful friend, Carol Harmon, who passed away in early April. She was simply the best. Q

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28 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

queer shift

Belief shift II

by Charles Frost

It is no

coincidence that I exited Mormonism as many other huge changes were occurring in my life.

I wish I had been more aware and present during that time of tumult, because I was being bombarded with clues, signals and truths–not being fully cognizant until I had moved through them. A couple of years later I stumbled upon a wonderful book by Gordon MacKenzie called Orbiting the Giant Hairball, which clobbered me as a most appropriate metaphor to becoming aware of how we buy in, or remove ourselves from any organization that is based upon control and conformity, scarcity versus abundance, power and fear.

We all need an exit strategy, a self-chosen map.

“Little by little, wean yourself.

This is the gist of what I have to say.

From an embryo, whose nourishment comes in the blood, move to an infant drinking milk, to a child on solid food, to a searcher after wisdom, to a hunter of more invisible game.

Think how it is to have conversation with an embryo.

You might say, “The world outside is vast and intricate.

There are wheat fields and mountain passes, and orchards in bloom.

At night there are millions of galaxies, and in sunlight the beauty of friends dancing at a wedding.”

You ask the embryo why he, or she, stays cooped up in the dark with eyes closed.

Listen to the answer There is no “other world.”

I only know what I’ve experienced.

You must be hallucinating.”

—Rumi In Part I of this Queer Shift column, I introduced folks to the simple but not so easy change model of SEE-DO-GET. Seeing is about your mindsets, perspectives,

beliefs and outlook on anything. Doing is your actions to strengthen or alter the way you act upon your perceptions. Getting is the desired result or sustainable personal solution you achieve after having worked hard and gone through the challenging process of change.

Exiting any organized religion, particularly Mormonism is as complex a job as any a person might face in life. Mormonism (along with certain other religions) operates from a birth-to-death and beyond, phase-by-phase process, and when you are born into the religion your mind is never fully your own; you belong to a huge master plan. It takes tremendous personal courage and truthfullness in yourself to challenge the what-and-why of which you believe. Beyond what and why it takes dedicated time and self-respect to unravel the how you came to believe. If you choose to leave Mormonism, I strongly recommend carving out, creating and dedicating a period of time to do this important change work.

Before you can explore changing and examining the how through the SEE-DOGET model, there comes three huge questions regarding the examination; Would you? Could you? When? If you’re queer it’s comparable to a second coming out. A second coming out that is about growing into a mindful mature person whose powerful intentions guide your life course to success as you define it.

I recently talked with a queer friend who shared an excerpt of something he had written, and I found it at the very core of this second coming out that ultimately ends in cherished authenticity. He shared something that struck me as both profoundly sad and strangely hopeful: “I can only wonder how my life would have been different if there’d been a church around that had loved me for who God created me to be, instead of trying to change me from what it feared I represent.”

Embracing the desire to release a religion and change your life toward one

of self-acceptance with less guilt, shame, judgment, and fear begins truly with how you SEE life.

Consider the following mindsets, as you begin to change. Take them one or two at a time, live with them, ponder them, show up and be present with them in your regular every day thinking.

Can I perceive and possibly believe that religion and spirituality are very different things?

Can I separate the Gospel of Jesus Christ from Mormonism?

Exiting any organized religion, particularly Mormonism is as complex a job as any a person might face in life.

Am I capable of accepting the fact that there are many truths, ways and paths, in life – all respectful?

Am I capable of releasing the idea that there is only one absolute true religion?

Can I see myself as containing my own self-power, internalized energy, that I can use for good, healing, taking care of myself and sending it to others for their well being?

Am I ready to begin separating my heritage from my religion, as well as my beliefs, and where and when I learned them?

Am I willing to stop abdicating my knowledge or understanding of anything to anyone, regardless of their position, title, or age?

Do I believe that I get to choose my life path and its phases rather than having them all outlined and planned for me?

After you’ve considered these perceptions as well as others you may have self discovered – or found in shared conversation with other trusted individuals, move

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toward what you will DO next, all the while constantly reinforcing your newly embraced seeing mindsets. Your perspective and approach to what you are up to in your life is just as (if not more) important to the outcome as the actions themselves.

You tend to be happier and more satisfied when your actions are grounded in a sense of self-awareness, choice and desired personal growth.

Conduct crucial conversations only with those you choose to share your change of religion, mindsets, beliefs and life direction. Request they listen as openly as possible and attempt to understand your decisions. You are in charge of your new direction.

Ask yourself am I fully aware of my heritage and all that it represents to me; how I can still value it without having to be involved in the religion associated with my heritage? They are uniquely different.

Immerse and rediscover yourself in all things that you find spiritual: reading, music, nature, yoga, meditation, personal reflection writing, etc. Surround yourself

with those you trust most, whether they be blood family, or chosen family, friends, people who can be the first ring of your support system. Keep this group small and remain in contact.

If you desire attending other spiritual groups or religions that are completely open and affirming of queer people, then do explore. These could also be spiritual support groups, queer exploration and expansion groups. Read a lot of books of various types: philosophy, history, poetry, plays, gay fiction and gay stories, modern bestsellers that expand your mind, and open yourself up to continuous new ways of seeing the world, the people, the systems and structures, the ways things have evolved and changed, or have not changed.

Continue to release, let go, and keep only those heritage elements of your previous religion that are truly a part of who you are down to your DNA. And now to GET. Hopefully you are happy with the results, you got something new, different, better. Something without shame, fear, guilt or judgment mixed

in. You are in a position to evaluate your outcomes and recommit to your new life path. Remember to always evaluate, and when you do it’s important to cycle back through SEE to confirm whether your self-assessment in the change was accurate. Seriously examine your newly embraced perception, identify what your actions got you, and always be open to new ideas. Hopefully when leaving Mormonism behind, in this change process your biggest outcomes will be self-power, love and greater happiness. Greater happiness and satisfaction in life come from being conscious of who you are and what’s important to you as a foundation for what you choose to do and create.

Your “second coming out” is about growing into a mindfully mature gay person whose powerful intentions guide your course to success as you define it.

Venus is rising – farewell confusing Jupiter, and back to Rumi.

“You are not a drop in the ocean.

You are the entire ocean, in a drop.” Q

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30 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Q2013 salt lake

FABBY

AWARDS

You have voted, we have tallied and here we are: the 2013 FABBY Awards, celebrating the most fabulous everything that Utah has to offer. There are some surprises, some new faces and some old favorites in these pages. Enjoy.

Fabulous Restaurants Lightest on your Wallet Pig & A Jelly Jar – Homestyle cooking is back in vogue at Pig & A Jelly Jar. Diners can find everything from homemade jam to chicken and waffles at this lesbian-owned establishment. Don’t forget to try the Sunday dinner for something truly different.

2. Long Life Veggi House | 3.

The Other Place

Best After-Hours Cravings The Pie Hole – The hole-in-the wall pizza joint is the perfect stop after visiting the bars, a house party or a late-night booty call. Affordable and delectable pizza-by-the slice is the name of the game at The Pie Hole.

2. Bayleaf Café | 3. Alberto’s Mexican Food

Best Local Restaurant for Breakfast Blue Plate Diner – Their fabulous Sunday brunch brings in the crowds but diners can find large, classic dishes as well as vegan and vegetarian options. The roasted red potatoes are simply to die for.

2. Eggs in the City | 3. Park Café

Best PETA-Approved Sage’s Café – From a market to purchase vegan cheeses and other tasty vegan fare or a classy, affordable place for local, organic and vegan food, Sage’s Café is tops. The downtown restaurant is housed in an adorable house and the ambiance, along with some of the best food in Utah, makes this a must-visit.

2. Vertical Diner | 3. Omar’s Rawtopia

Best New Vegetarian Zest – The new organic vegetarian and vegan hotspot is brand new and already making a splash.

The restaurant has already housed fundraisers for queer rights causes. If you haven’t been to Zest, fix that soon.

Best Contemporary Restaurant Pallet – New to the dinning scene in Salt Lake City, Pallet has shot to the top of the Fabby Awards. The contemporary restaurant is one of the most beautifully designed spaces in the region and offers a new take on classic dishes. Give this new Salt Lake treasure a try.

2. Copper Onion | 3. Café Trio

Best in Park City High West Distillery & Saloon – The world’s only ski-in gastro-distillery is located in Old Town Park City and specializes in noveau Western fare. The small-plate restaurant also offers mountain-crafted whiskeys and vodkas.

2. 350 Main | 3. El Chubasco

Best in Ogden Rovali’s Ristorante Italiano – Located in historic downtown Ogden, Rovali’s is reason enough to make the trek up north. The eatery offers traditional and authentic Italian food in a comfortable setting. Also, don’t miss the educational and delicious wine tastings.

2. Rooster’s | 3. Jasoh!

Best Asian Cuisine Kyoto – From sushi to sashimi and donburi to tempura, Kyoto has some of the freshest seafood and sushi in the city. Don’t miss the fantastic lunch specials featuring different rolls and complimentary green tea. It’s the perfect first-date restaurant.

2. Takashi | 3. Asian Star

Best Thai Cuisine Sawadee – After sampling the different curries, Pad Thai and stir-fries, it won’t take long to see why Sawadee takes home the crown in this category. We love going with a group of friends and sharing the food family style.

Bring a bottle or two of wine and enjoy the extra-large portions at Sawadee.

2. Bon Appe | 3. Chanon Thai

Best South of the Border Red Iguana – The Red Iguana may just appear to be a holein-the-wall, but it has the best chimichangas and molé in the state. The wait is long but the food is fresh, spicy and just plain outstanding.

2. Blue Iguana | 3. Frida Bistro

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 31

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Thank you, QSaltLake readers, for voting for our very first FABBY Award.

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WINNER!

32 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

morning to catch up with old friends and meet new ones. The casual atmosphere is a frequent gathering place for Utah’s LGBT crowd.

2. Sugar House Coffee | 3.

Alchemy Coffee

Best Small Plates Best Mediterranean Cuisine Mazza – Truly innovative and international cuisine, Mazza has an imaginative menu. Featuring traditional Lebanese cuisine, it also has raw, vegetarian and vegan selections. The patio and a glass of white wine are perfect summer companions.

2. Aristo’s | 3. Café Med

Best Sushi Takashi – Takashi is constantly pushing the envelope and is leading the way in an emerging foodie scene in the city. The fresh and creative rolls pair with the state’s largest sake collection.

2. Sapa Sushi Bar and Grill | 3.

Happy Sumo

Best Local Coffee House The Coffee Garden – Visit The Coffee Garden before going out to the bars or on a Sunday

Working with couples, families, groups and individuals as reflected in our diverse community Gay and Lesbian Mental Health Services • Various Support Groups • Court Ordered Services • Accept most major insurances • Sliding Fee Scale

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Meditrina – The lesbianowned small plates restaurant and wine bar has become a true institution in Salt Lake City. The food can’t be beat, the atmosphere is cozy and warm and the wine selection is stunning.

2. Martine | 3. Pipa

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Best Cocktails from Behind the Zion Curtain Zest – Seasonal concoctions make up the cocktail list at Zest.

Regardless of the time of year, count on fresh, innovative and astounding cocktails. Some of our favorites include the Jalapeno Margarita and the Ginger Spice.

2. Del Mar al Lago | 3. Finca

Fabulous Food

Best Beer Selection

Best Burgers

The Bayou – With nearly 300 types of beers available, The Bayou is a beer-lover’s nirvana.

The hardest choice will be which brew to try first. We also love the food and can’t get enough of the gumbo.

2. Squatter’s Pub | 3. Desert Edge Brewery

Lucky 13 – Lucky 13 is a bustling SLC roadhouse with a huge patio and lots of character. Their locally-sourced ingredients make their gourmet burgers the best to be had! Lucky 13 is located on 1300 South, between the I-15 exit and Spring Mobile Ballpark.

2. Crown Burger | 3. Cotton Bottom

Best Wine Selection Market Street Grill Cottonwood – Patio dining, the freshest seafood and finest steaks make the perfect plate with the extensive wine list that features regional and international favorites.

2. Meditrina | 3. Zy Food, Wine and Cheese

Best Sandwich Toaster’s – Toaster’s has been the perennial favorite of QSalt Lake readers for 6 years now. The sandwiches are made with locally baked bread, fresh vegetables, and quality meats and cheeses. With their focus on the freshest ingredients and exceptional customer service, it is no wonder Toaster’s always finds its way to the top.

2. Oh Mai | 3. Tony Caputo’s Market & Deli

Best Pizza Settebello – Settebello is relatively new to Salt Lake and new to the Fabby Awards. They specialize in Pizza Napoletana, a soft and foldable pizza which is usually considered “wet” by American standards. They make their pizza from the finest ingredients from around the world and deliver a world-class pizza experience to every customer.

2. The Pie | 3. Este Pizzeria

Best Pastries Gourmandise – Gourmandise is a full-service, family-owned bakery in the heart of downtown Salt Lake City. For over 20 years they have been bringing smiles to people’s faces with their made-from-scratch European pastries and desserts.

2. City Cakes | 3. Carlucci’s Bakery

Best Salads Caffe Niche – Caffe Niche has been a neighborhood staple for over 5 years. With new owner and chef Ethan Lappe, Niche has become a true urban eatery with modern, local food. With an emphasis on supporting local farms and suppliers for the most flavorful ingredients, Niche sets the table as a food-centric community restaurant.

2. Cafe Trio | 3. Omar’s Rawtopia

Best Sunday Brunch Ruth’s Diner – The second oldest operating restaurant in Utah, Ruth’s Diner is again at the top of brunch favorites. The location, in historic Emigration Canyon, would be reason enough to visit, but the great service and even better food makes Ruth’s more than just a diner, it’s a tradition.

2. The Grand America Hotel | 3.

Market Street Grill

Best Heart Attack on a Bun Bruges “Machine Gun Sandwich” – Featured on “Man vs Food,” the Machine Gun is two hearty lamb marquez sausages served on a fresh baguette, then stuffed with Bruges famous frites and smothered with Andalouse sauce. You’ll love it!

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Best Straight Bar

Best Seafood You Haven’t Tried Yet Del Mar Al Lago – Don’t let the location fool you! This charming Peruvian cebicheria brings the full range of Peruvian cuisine to Salt Lake City. The food is wonderful, and the atmosphere is almost as intoxicating as the delicious Pesco Sours and fresh sangria they serve.

Best Brunch You’re Not Eating The Wild Grape Bistro – Envision traditional made-fromscratch cooking from an old west cafe brought up to date from a modern chef and you have The Wild Grape Bistro!

Troy & Jessica Greenhawt have created The Wild Grape Bistro with a vision and a conscience, delivering great food, spectacular service and a wonderful atmosphere while supporting local businesses.

Fabulous Bars Best Gay Bar Club JAM – Since it opened, JAM has taken its spot as a gathering place for Utah’s LGBT and allied community. With monthly events, a beautiful patio and some of the hottest bartenders in town, JAM is always a good bet to meet new friends and run into old ones.

2. Club Try-Angles | 3. The Trapp

Bar X – Appearing to come straight out of prohibition, Bar X has undergone a phoenix-like ressurection from dive bar to its rightful spot as the most fabulous straight bar in the city. The specialty cocktail menu morphs with the seasons and always features something new, exciting and completely innovative.

2.Tavernacle | 3. The Garage

Best Karaoke Club JAM – Fewer nights bring more friendly people to the bar than karaoke night at JAM. With Karaoke on Wednesday nights, it’s the perfect mid-week blues remedy.

2. The Tavernacle | 3. Piper Down

Best Place to Catch the Game Fiddler’s Elbow – Who doesn’t want to watch a bunch of jockstrap-clad, perfect bodied Adonis play with balls? And there’s no better place to do it than at Fiddler’s Elbow. From soccer to college basketball, all the hotties, whoops!’ athletes are on display.

2. Lumpy’s | 3. The Green Pig

Best Dance Club Fusion at Metro Bar – With disc jockey battles, sexy hosts, go-go dancers, delicious cocktails and a gorgeous summer patio, it’s no wonder that Fusion takes home the crown this year.

2. Club JAM | 3. PURE at Club Sound

Best Afternoon Crowd Club Try-Angles – Join Gene and the other regulars (except Chippy, that horny slut who moved to Boston) at Try-Angles for a beer on the patio or a game of pool inside the cool and welcoming bar. Cheap drinks and good friends abound at all hours at Try-Angles.

2. Dick N’ Dixie’s | 3. The Garage

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 33

fun & fr lic

consignment shop

Yo u r r e n e w a b l e r e s o u r c e f o r fun-loving, easy-living g e a r, c l o t h i n g & a c c e s s o r i e s

2066 South 2100 East - SLC 801.487.6393 women’s men’s & travel recreation children’s info on the web at myfunandfrolic.com outdoor

facebook @ “fun and frolic consignment shop”

34 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

Sunday night karaoke is pretty damn gay. Tasty martinis and a fun atmosphere are just right for those who just aren’t ready to give up the weekend.

2. The Trapp | 3. Club Jam

Cheapest Drinks Best Microbrewery Squatter’s Pub – Shock Top, Chasing Tail and Emigration Amber Ale are just some of the options available at three locations in Utah. Squatter’s beer is also available at Utah liquor stores and grocery stores around the region.

2. Epic Brewing Company | 3.

Red Rock Brewing Company

Best Friday Night Hydrate at Club Sound – The recent rebranding has pushed Hydrate at Club Sound (formerly known as Pure, formerly known as Gossip) to the top of Friday night.

With the largest dance floor and a section for those 18 years old and over, Hydrate is the place to see and be seen.

2. Club JAM | 3. Club Try-Angles

Best Saturday Night Club Try-Angles – Monthly Saturday events include an underwear night and a leather and gear night. From kinky gatherings to birthday parties and dancing, Try-Angles is everything a neighborhood bar needs to be.

2. Club JAM | 3. Fusion at Metro Bar

Best Lesbian Bar The Paper Moon – Before you tell us this is also the only lesbian bar in town, remember, it’s also pretty damn fabulous.

With drag shows, poker nights, special contests and the sexiest white party in the city, there’s always something happening at the Paper Moon.

Best Sunday Night Tavernacle – While technically straight, the Tavernacle’s

The Trapp – Mason jars full to the brim with a frosty brew just can’t be beat for a summer companion, and neither can the prices at The Trapp.

2. Club Try-Angles | 3. Dick N’ Dixies

Best Martini The Tavernacle – Strong, delicious, wet or dry, the martinis at The Tavernacle are a sure-fire bet to build the courage to try the patented Powerball Karaoke.

2. The Red Door | 3. Kristauf’s Martini Bar

Best Monthly Bar Event Bear Bust at Club JAM – Hairy men and their admirers gather for the biggest, furriest party in Utah. With smoking hot go-go bears and cubs, it’s unlike any other experience in Utah.

2. Leather and Gear Night at Club Try-Angles | 3. Underwear Night at Club Try-Angles

Fabulous Arts Best Local Theatre Company Plan-B Theatre Company – With super fabulous Jerry Rapier at the helm, Plan-B is constantly producing fabulous and queer-friendly plays. With more than two dozen Fabby awards, Plan-B’s nearly as decorated as Nova Starr’s boudoir. This year’s productions included Hedwig and the Angry Inch and a special engagement reading of Dustin Lance Black’s 8: The Play.

2. Salt Lake Acting Company | 3. Pioneer Theatre Company

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Best Art Gallery or Museum The Leonardo –Mummies, civil rights displays and interactive exhibits can all be found at The Leonardo. It’s perfect for a date night or a destination for out-of-town visitors.

2. Utah Museum of Contemporary Art | 3. Utah Museum of Fine Arts

Best Local Play or Musical of 2012 Hedwig and the Angry Inch – The gender-bending rock ‘n’ roll musical comedy was revived by the fabulous Plan-B Theatre Company to great effect.

With rave reviews and sold-out performances, Hedwig was a smash hit.

2. Saturday’s Voyeur | 3. Eric(a)

Best Local Dance Company Repertory Dance Theatre – RDT has been wowing Utah audiences with their impressive dance repertoire for nearly 50 years. This is the second consecutive Fabby award for RDT, which is solidifying its role as a top-pick for gay audiences.

2. SB Dance Company | 3. Ballet West

Best Local Musician/ Band Cavedoll – The indie band is a local favorite, gathering a cult following with its neo-new wave tunes. Congratulations to the group on their first Fabby.

2. Lady Murasaki | 3. Problem Daughter

Fabulous Shopping Best Local Shop for Budget Fashion Uptown Cheapskate – Two Uptown Cheapskate locations will pay cash for old jeans, shirts,

sweaters, ties and other clothing items. It’s a perfect way to collect some much-needed cash to stock up on other vintage and new fashions.

2. Decades Vintage Clothing | 3. Unhinged

Best Local Shop for High-End Fashion Spark/Cockers – Although Spark/Cockers recently moved to a new, fabulous and gorgeous location in Trolley Square, the complete wardrobe offerings are still available in a fresh, new and beautiful space.

2. Fresh | 3. Bastille

Best Local Shop for Shoes Spark/Cockers – Shoes and heels fit for any queen or king are just the start to the footwear options at Spark/Cockers. Boxes and boxes of affordable and fabulous selections will match any outfit.

2.Bastille | 3. Rocket Rebellion

Best Local Shop for Drag Attire Decades – Whether creating a vintage-chic look for the club or trying to follow in the footsteps of Donna Summer (may she rest in peace), Decades is a truly fabulous choice. There just isn’t a better bet for the budgetconscious.

2. Pib’s Exchange | 3. Fiercedragjewels.com

Best Local Book Store The King’s English Bookshop – Take a journey into a magical kingdom where bookstores are still a destination and the clerks are helpful and knowledgeable at The King’s English. Also, the store holds fabulous frequent readings and other book-related events.

2. Sam Weller’s Books | 3.

Golden Braid Books

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 35

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Fabulous Anniversary Night Dinner at Bambara Start with Bambara at Hotel Monaco and enjoy a specialty cocktail or a selection from the extensive wine list. Go through a Salt Lake City dining experi-

ence and relish the sites of a bustling downtown.

Show at Capitol Theatre With local and touring shows, some of the most fabulous productions in the nation are put on stage at Capitol Theatre.

Martinis at Red Door Talk about the show, mingle with other show-goers and enjoy the cool night air on the patio at Red Door, located directly across the street from Capitol Theatre.

Finish the Night at Hotel Monaco Not much needs to be said about how to finish the night with an all-night bang at the fabulous Hotel Monaco.

utaH’s 13tH annual

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MaY 17-19

utaH state FairparK Fri 12pM-7pM, sat 10aM-7pM, sun 10aM-4pM adoption Fees starting at $25 cats, $50 dogs

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Free event | Free parKing

In collaboration with

superadoption.org

SM

36 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Best Consignment Store for Furniture/ Home Décor Now & Again – Shop local and sustainable at Now & Again. Forget cookie-cutter pieces of furniture and home décor from box shops and find unique, vintage and fabulous at this gay-owned and friendly store.

2. The Green Ant | 3. Pebbles and Twigs

Best Underwear Selection Spark/Cockers – Bulgeenhancing, butt-lifting and eyepopping underwear selections will accentuate the perfect outfit. Designer selections from Calvin Klein, Andrew Christian, Timoteo, Pistol Pete and many more are featured.

2. Mischievous Pleasures | 3. Blue Boutique

Best Antique Store Now & Again – Visit the ever-friendly and helpful Michael Sanders for home décor that takes the best from the past to help make any home shine. The store is constantly changing with new pieces, so a visit to Now & Again is always warranted.

2. Capital City | 3. Anthony’s Antiques

Best Flower Shop The Art Floral – For the special occasion, to say “thank you” or “sorry,” The Art Floral has bouquets for every opportunity. The helpful florists can help plan a wedding or large affair or just help pick that single, but important bouquet.

2. Roots | 3. Especially for You

Best Local Jewelry Store Charley Hafen Jewelers – From humble beginnings in a hotel-lobby jewelry shop more than 20 years ago, to an independently-owned jewelry store with a wide selection of in-shop made items, shoppers can’t go wrong with Charley Hafen.

2. Fankhauser-Howard | 3. 9th & 9th Jewelers

Best Outdoor Gear Fun & Frolic – Fun & Frolic Consignment Shop stocks fabulous items for travel and outdoor recreational experiences. Find budget-friendly gently used clothing, outdoor gear, and accessories at this fabulous and very queerfriendly store.

2. Black Diamond | 3. Kirkham’s Outdoor Products

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 37

Cahoots – With a section dedicated specifically to queer paraphernalia, it’s no wonder Cahoots is taking home another Fabby for this category. For the young and the young at heart, there’s something for everyone at Cahoots.

2. Cabin Fever | 3. Rocket Rebellion

Best Adult Toy Store Cahoots – Cahoots provides a fun atmosphere for some of the more adult pleasures and interests in shopping. Magazines, lube, condoms, toys and other bedroom items are sold.

2. Mischievous Pleasures | 3. Dirty Jo Punsters

Fabulous Services Best Gym The Gym at City Creek – There’s nothing like being in a place that’s shiny and new.

Gays have flocked to The Gym since its opening a year ago. With a responsive staff, state-of-the-art equipment and a beautiful pool and courts, they’ll likely continue for a long time to come.

2. Square 1 Fitness | 3. 24-Hour Fitness

Best Ski Resort Alta – Ski and Skiing Magazines consistently rank Alta at the top in the U.S. for powder, snow quality, terrain and value. Alta and Snowbird are often ranked together and this season, Forbes ranked Alta/Snowbird the #2 Resort in the US- and the major criteria for the ranking was “Awesomeness!”

2. Deer Valley | 3. Brighton Resort

Best Hair Salon Lunatic Fringe – The definition of Lunatic Fringe is: A group of people who share a set of radical principles and strive to create a like-minded atmosphere. But this is no normal salon. The LF staff also joins Paul Mitchell Schools to raise funds for a list of charities you’d be proud to support.

2. Dexterity Hair Design | 3. Image Studios

EQUALITY UTAH is the state’s largest policy and advocacy organization working to secure equal rights and protections for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender Utahns and their families.

EQUALITYUTAH.ORG

EQUALITY

Best Gift Store

38 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Best Piercings

Best Pet Grooming

Koi Piercing Studio – Since 1997, Curt Warren and his staff have been sticking metal into humans. Located on the corner of 9th East and 13th South, it is convenient to downtown. People rave about the professional staff and clean environment.

2. Iris Piercing | 3. Doc Holliday

Dogs R Us – People love Dogs R Us owner Jeff Peay and he loves the gay community. Dogs R Us not only does grooming, but also day care and boarding services as well as food, toys and more.

2. Dog Show | 3. Leslie’s Grooming

Best Place to Get Waxed

Cody Derrick – Real estate is now all about staging, having a niche in which you excel and social marketing. Cody Derrick has all that down pat. He brings together period pieces, specialty photography and an image that makes you want to take part.

2. Babs De Lay | 3. Julie Silveous

The Spa Club – Membership has its privileges at The Spa Club in the form of lower costs. They are a full service day spa and salon that offers services at 10–60% less than other day spas. And they will yank the hair from your body at three locations: Fort Union, Foothill and Jordan Landing.

2. Salon Dante and Day Spa | 3. Bush Hair Studio and Spa

Best Tattoo Parlor

May 30th - June 2nd at Washington Square

Why Wait in Line?

Get Your Tickets TODAY! Buy Your Tickets Online:

www.UtahPrideFestival.org

Cathedral Tattoo – This is a change since our previous years, as Big Deluxe has always won handsdown. I guess it’s time the community step out of its box and head over to Cathedral Tattoo!

2. Big Deluxe Tattoo | 3. Doc Holliday Tattoo

Best Counseling Service Pride Counseling – Most believe that to counsel someone on such things as coming out and other sexuality issues, you should probably be someone who has experienced that. Pride Counseling is a gay-owned, gay-operated privately-held counseling service, in business since 2001.

2. Aspen Grove Counseling | 3. Leesa Myers

Best Real Estate Agent

Best Hotel Hotel Monaco – The gayest, friendliest hospitality and sophisticated style has braced the heart of downtown since July, 1999 and is host to the annual Pink and Red Parties to benefit the Utah AIDS Foundation. Owned by Kimpton Hotels, the first hotel chain to receive a 100% rating with the HRC Corporate Equality Index.

2. Grand America | 3. Peery Hotel

Best Photographer

David Daniels – If a gay event happens in Salt Lake City and David Daniels isn’t there, did it really happen? David is a photographic geek with all the new and flashy gadgets and techniques. We are proud that his work has graced the pages of QSaltLake since our inception.

2. David Newkirk | 3. Jessica Janae

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 39

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

The Utah Stonewall Democrats

Evans and Early Mortuary & Reception Center

Market Street Cottonwood

Serving all Faiths & Communities Since 1890 with affordable dignified services

would like to thank Gastronomy and

f or their support of the LGBT community and our annual Oh No They Didn't event.

574 East 100 South, Salt Lake City, UT

801-355-5323 / Fax 801-355-6177 www.evans-earlymortuary.com evansandearly@gmail.com

We would like to thank the LGBT Community for their support.

BREAKFAST – SOUPS – SANDWICHES – SALADS – COFFEE – BEER – WINE

Most Fabulous Sandwich location in SLC for 5 years... ...according to QSaltLake readers

3 Different Locations!

– 151 West 200 South – 215 South State St. – 30 East 300 South

www.toastersdeli.com

40 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Fabulous Groups Best Social Group SAGE Utah – There apparently was a need for a group dedicated to Utah’s 50+ gay community, because the second it hit the streets, it was an enormous success. Or perhaps it is because it is under the watchful eye of the dedicated Charles Lynn Frost.

Workshops, service projects and community advocacy are but a part of the group’s offerings.

And, as I hear it, QSaltLake’s publisher will be inducted into SAGE this summer.

2. Utah Bears | 3. Spicy Dinner

Best Political Group Equality Utah – Once again, the flagship organization which

has brought us the Common Ground Initiative and represents the community on Capitol Hill has earned the coveted FABBY Award from its community. Still under the mantra of a “Fair and Just Utah,” the group has been working tirelessly since 2001. It is actually three different organizations — Equality Utah, which drafts legislation and lobbies, The EU PAC which supports candidates for election and the EU Foundation which focuses on education and activation.

2. Utah Stonewall Democrats | 3. Log Cabin Republicans

Best Health Group Utah AIDS Foundation – For 28 years the Utah AIDS Foundation has offered assistance and expertise to those struggling with AIDS and HIV and has worked to help stop the spread of AIDS in Utah. The group hosts support groups, testing services, a food bank and services geared towards the Latino community.

2. People With AIDS Coalition of Utah | 3. Planned Parenthood

SuAn Chow Food truck chef, extreme workaholic,

Best Religious Organization Unitarian Universalists – For decades, this religious organization has embraced the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and ally community. Today, a lesbian ministers the South Valley UUS and performs samegender marriages as it has since the early 70s.

2. First Baptist Church | 3. Holladay Church of Christ

Best Sports Organization Cheer Salt Lake – A newcomer to Salt Lake, Cheer Salt Lake is the brainchild of Valina Eckley and a step-sister to Cheer San Francisco, of which Valina was a member. The group has swelled in membership and performs at the Utah Pride Parade and at organizational events through the year.

2. QUAC | 3. Wasatch Roller Derby

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Grand Marshal Reception May 31st at The Leonardo 209 E. 500 S. SLC, UT

Tickets are $40 & Available Online: Catering by Le Croissant Catering

Support the member businesses of the

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 41

because they support you!

The Chamber is open to corporations of all sizes, sole proprietors and independent agents and is a great place to meet other professionals, make business contacts, promote your business and work for the enhancement of Utah’s gay and lesbian community.

Join us in Honoring: Grand Marshal David Testo Local Hero Jackson Carter Dr. Kristen Ries Honorees Charles Lynn Frost & Brandie Balken Pete Suazo Political Action Honoree Representative Rebecca Chavez-Houck

www.UtahPrideFestival.org

For all of your event and catering needs 801.466.2537 • lecroissantcatering.com

801-308-2050

www.jonjepsen.com

utahgaychamber.org

42 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FABBY AWARDS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

2Q13 SUNDAY, AUGUST 4 Discount tickets available in July See GaySaltLake.com

Fabulous People Best Local Politician Jim Dabakis – The head of the Utah Democratic Party and the state senator from Utah’s second district is a strong voice for Utah’s queer community. The openly gay politician is running for re-election as the head of the small, but scrappy Democratic Party in the Beehive State.

2. Ben McAdams | 3. Stephen Urquhart

around the state.

2. Alexis Baigue | 3. Aaron Swenson

Best Bartender Jabe Hatch @ The Trapp – A visit to Hatch will help fix the mid-week blues and prep for the weekend. Grab a beer, enjoy the patio and catch up with the Fabby-winning bartender.

2. Hopoi Heimuli @ Club JAM | 3. Jim Smith @ Club Try-Angles

Best Leader of a Queer Organization

Meet us at the Pioneer Terrace!

Picnic all day Group Photo at 4pm Wear RED to stand OUT Sponsorship Opportunities 801-649-6663

Brandie Balken & Equality Utah – With more than a dozen municipalities banning discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation, Balken’s hard work is recognized around the state. This year she helped usher a statewide anti-bias bill out of a conservative Utah Senate committee. You go, girl!

2. Valarie Larabee & Utah Pride Center | 3. Marian Edmonds & Ogden OUTreach

Best Local Actor or Actress Charles Lynn Frost – The fabulous actor, activist and QSaltLake columnist is the genius behind Sister Dottie S. Dixon. But Frost is much more than a pretty face. He’s involved in various causes and is a strong component in building bridges

Best Local DJ DJ Justin Hollister – DJ Justin Hollister can be seen spinning occasionally at Hydrate and Metro Bar on Friday and Saturday nights. He’s hot, talented and just plain sweet. Congratulations on your first Fabby, Justin!

2. DJ Harry Cross, Jr. | 3. DJ Chris B

FABBY AWARDS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 43

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

Fabulous Everything Else Best Radio Station X96 – Celebrating their 21st year as Utah’s “Local Independent Alternative Rock” station, X96 is another perennial favorite. With features such as the “Radio From Hell” program with Kerry Jackson, Bill Allred, and Gina Barberi and long-time Utah radio personality Todd “Nuke ‘Em” Noker, X96 never fails to entertain.

2. KUER | 3. KCPW

Best Radio Personality Doug Fabrizio @ Radio West, KUER – Doug has been a staple of public radio in Utah since 1987, with a reputation for his thoughtful and articulate style. He has hosted KUER’s “RadioWest” program since 2001, interviewing guests such as the Madeleine Albright, Desmund Tutu, and Isabel Allende. He has won more awards than we care to count, but we are glad to add this Fabby to his collection.

2. Gina Barberi @ Radio From Hell on X96 | 3. Bill Allred @ Radio from Hell on X96

Best Local TV News Fox 13 – With engaging personalities and in-depth reporting, Fox 13 delivers news like nobody else in Utah.

2. KUTV2 | 3. KTVX4

Best TV News Anchor Hope Woodside @ Fox 13 – A Chicago native, Hope Woodside has been in Utah since 1995 and is part of Utah’s longest-running (but not oldest) news team. You can catch Hope on the Live at Five and News at Nine broadcasts daily.

2. Mary Nickles @ KUTV 2 | 3. Damon Yauney @ Fox13

Best TV News Reporter Ben Winslow @ Fox13 – Fox13’s Ben Winslow has been around the block in Salt Lake media circles, working for both the Deseret News and KSL NewsRadio before landing at Fox13. He’s covered some of Utah’s biggest stories of the past decade, winning numerous awards for his thoughtful and diligent journalism.

2. Richard Piatt @ KSL5 | 3. Ninevah Dinha @ Fox13

Fabulous Q Best QSaltLake Columnist Christopher Katis – Chris Katis is everyone’s daddy. Or wants to be. His tales of fatherhood alongside his husband came out on top for this year’s FABBY Awards up from third last year as a new columnist. He has a loyal fan base, which I’m sure has a ot to do with this win.

2. Bob Henline | 3. Charles Frost

QSaltLake Story of the Year College boy, low on funds: A Craigslist escort shares his story – Our story on a young man making a living as an escort drea a lot of attention last year. I wonder if it’s because everyone has had fantasies of doing this themselves. Just sayin’.

2. Allies speak out on the truth | 3. Person of the Year

Best QSaltLake Event Lagoon Day – Our mostattended event of the year is also the one people look most forward to. Lagoon Day brings thousands of lesbians, gays, bisexsuals, transgender people and allies all bedecked in red. This year it is Sunday, Aug. 4!

2. Pet Photo Shoot | 3. Big Gay Fun Bus

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ANNOUNCING

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44 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

Well, the calendar says it’s spring, but the weatherman seems to be saying otherwise.

So, until we can head out and enjoy the warm weather Utah has to offer, here are several things to do that will keep your mind off the cold.

3friday

Grab your partner, do sa do; peel the top and call him ho’. Partner trade and wheel around, scoot back scoot back til you’re on the ground.

Or something like that. If you are a square dance officianado, Temple Squares is hosting the Pioneer Promenade with over 14 hours of dancing called by two famous callers over three days. Registration includes two meals.

6:30pm checkin. Through May 5. Columbus Center, 2530 S 500 East. Registration $90 at templesquaresorg

4saturday

Get your growl on as the Utah Bears present their annual Mr. Utah Bear & Mr. Utah Cub 2013 Contest. Contestants are asked to do things like present their best formal wear, fantasy wear and swimwear.

They also answer questions and work the audience for raffle tickets. It is always a fun event and yours truly gets to be judge again this year.

9pm, JAM, 751 N. 300 West. $5 cover at the door.

4saturday

It’s SLAM time again at Plan-B Theatre Company. Five short plays by five Utah playwrights are slammed out in 23 hours. You spend the 24th hour with them to see the results!

This is the 10th anniversary of the show and you should expect a surprise or ten.

8pm, Jeanne Wagner Theatre at the Rose Wagner Performing Arts Center, 138 W. Broadway. Tickets $10–25 at planbtheatre.org or 801-355-ARTS

6monday

All tea no shade, the big announcement of who will be titled America’s next drag superstar at the Rupaul’s Drag Race Finale. The part-time girls at Club TryAngles will be making a huge party out of the night after the show, producing their own shows through the evening.

8:30pm to close, Club Try-Angles, 251 W 900 South

arts

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

17friday

What is more gay than a tribute to Broadway? How about a nearly-allgay choir performing at the Masonic Temple? The Salt Lake Men’s Choir presents A Love Letter to Broadway. Two nights only.

11 things you should do in May

7:30pm, Salt Lake Masonic Temple, 650 E. South Temple. Tickets $15 through choir members or at saltlakemenschoir.org

(More events at gaysaltlake.com.)

7tuesday

Come celebrate the winners of the FABBY awards and the beginning of QSaltLake’s 10th year. People love this event, as several restaurants offer up tastes of their best in hopes of winning the Pink FABBY Plate award for the evening. The FABBY Awards will be given out and you can also wander the fantastic kitchens of Mountainland Design. This is an event that starts right after work, so dress is business casual.

5:30–8pm, Mountainland Design, 2345 S Main St. Tickets $25–75 (VIP) at qtix.us or 801-649-6663

11saturday

Everyone is welcome to the SAGE Utah and UP365 Spring Swing Potluck, ever so humbly touted as the Seasonal Social Event Extraordinaire. This is a pot-luck event.

Those with last names beginning with A–E should bring appetizers and salad, F–O main dishes, and P–Z desserts.

6:30–9:30pm, Studio Elevn, 435 W. 400 South, top floor. Parking and entrance behind building. UtahPrideCenter.org (Cash bar)

17friday

You all know each of the characters of Miguel Santana’s The Righteous and Very Real Housewives of Utah County. They are your neighbors, your mother, your sister-in-law and the woman you work with who brings baked goods to work each Tuesday. This special event is a fundraiser for community organizations, QSaltLake, Utah Pride, HRC Utah, Mormons for Equality and PFLAG. Following the play, a gala event will be hosted a half block away at the Fort Douglas Officers Club with music, hors d’oeuvres and drinks.

Doors 6:30, show 7:30pm, The Post Theatre, 245 Fort Douglas Blvd, University of Utah. Tickets $75, of which $25 will go to QSaltLake if you use promo code “Q Salt Lake” at tinyurl.com/qhousewives

18saturday

All the animals at the zoo will be dressed to the nines and putting on their most festive look as the annual Gay Day at Hogle Zoo brings the community out!

9am–5pm, Hogle Zoo, 2600 E Sunnyside Ave.

26sunday

Please Join His Most Imperial Majesty Nick Watts and Her Most Imperial Majesty Champagne along with The Royal Court of the Golden Spike Empire in Salt Lake City for Coronation XXXVIII Lucky Diamonds: A 1920’s Flapper Affair.

It happens once a year each Memorial Day weekend and is the grandest show put on by the RCGSE each year. The sets and outfits are always magnificent. The water parties ... well, get a room for the night.

Doors at 5pm, Ball at 6pm, Sheraton Salt Lake City, 150 W 500 South. Tickets $40 at the door or at the hospitality suite Saturday or Sunday 11am–3pm.

Info at rcgse.org

30thursday

The first event of Pride is in May this year, as the Utah Pride Interfaith Service moves to the front of the festival. Representatives from several religious organizations in the area will particpate.

7pm, Congregation Kol Ami, 2425 Heritage Way. Info at utahpridefestival.org

save the date Email arts@qsaltlake.com

may 31–june 2

Utah Pride Festival utahpridefestival.org JUNE 8

HRC Utah Gala utah.hrc.org/dinner

A&E | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 45

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

‘The Righteous and Very Real Housewives of Utah County’ offers an intimate look into Mormon family dynamics

Emma Harris

is a 70year old Mormon widow who has fallen in love and is determined to get married. Dimitri Kross, an Estonian violinist several years younger, is the object of her desire. Mix together the fact that Dimitri is not Mormon with Utah County’s culture and you have a recipe for conflict.

Righteous Housewives is in part a play that explores why we marry and who has a right to do so. Beyond the obvious dramatic tension escalating from Emma’s decision to defy her Miguel Santana family, the play also unveils the personal shortcomings, goals and life negotiations of each of the six women involved in Emma’s life.

Suspicious about Dimitri’s intentions, Emma’s daughter, Joy Pratt, gathers information about his past. Her motives are not clear. Is it concern for Emma’s wellbeing or fear of losing Emma’s inheritance to a stranger?

Jena Debhi, Emma’s granddaughter, supports her grandmother’s decision to marry. Self-defined as “a granola Mormon,” Jena faced the opposition of her family to her own wedding a few years earlier.

She married a North African man and has mothered two biracial daughters. In her moments alone, she is consumed with reconciling her commitment to her faith and her church’s history regarding race.

Joy’s sisters-in-law, Ramona and Lupita Pratt are also part of Emma’s life. Ramona, an opinionated, staunch Mormon, pregnant with her eighth child at 31 and a prisoner of her domestic life, joins Joy in her efforts to stop the wedding. On the other hand, Lupita, an exuberant Mexican woman, becomes Emma’s greatest ally.

Remaining neutral, Wendy Pratt, married to Joy’s son, seems so concerned with appearances and materialistic goods that her family considers her a simpleton, yet she may be the Pratt wife who hides the most scandalous secret.

The play opens as a world premiere at The Post Theater on May 15 and runs through May 26. Emma Harris will be played by the grande dame of the Salt Lake City’s stage, Anne Cullimore Decker.

At a recent event hosted by acclaimed artist Galina Perova, the respected actress explained: “Emma is a resilient woman, a survivor of brain cancer, a woman who at her age has decided to embark on an adventure and finally follow her heart. Her daughter’s opposition to the wedding is understandable.

In the end, what Emma is fighting for, what she wants, is the right to make her own choices regardless of family, religion, and social expectations. At this point in her life, she has earned that privilege.”

Righteous Housewives is by no means a moralistic play. Each character is developed in such a way that you understand their rationale and their behaviors. The play is a bittersweet tale of six women determined and troubled, vulnerable and spirited. There is a great deal of humor in it, too, but the playwright, Miguel Santana, never crosses into satire or farce.

“I don’t know if this play will appeal to the people who inspired it, but I’m certainly open to initiate a respectful discussion about what transpires inside of our ‘righteous’ homes, about one’s ability to see the mote in a brother’s eye while ignoring the beam in their own,” Santana said.

The playwright is an outspoken gay man who grew up Mormon, but no longer attends church.

“I rejoice in my Mormon upbringing,” Santana declared. “Every day since my husband and I moved to Utah has been a gift.

It is easy to get caught up in the rhetoric of hate and misinformation emanating from some Mormon leaders but when you have family and friends who celebrate your life day in and day out, you realize that there’s more to this community than religion.”

Also at the earlier event, director Alexandra Harbold stated that when she read this play she knew she had to be involved, saying, “both as an actor and a director, it feels incredibly rare to work on a script with multiple strong, complex roles for women.

I jumped at the opportunity to gather a

Anne Cullimore Decker

company of artists to fill these roles. From my first reading, I pictured Anne Cullimore Decker in the role of Emma.”

While Anne Decker was the first to be cast, the company of Righteous Housewives is a who’s who of actors in Salt Lake. April Fossen (Joy), Nicki Nixon (Jena), Holly Fowers (Ramona), Anne Louise Brings (Lupita), Haley McCormick (Wendy) and Jim Dale (Dimitri) complete the ensemble cast.

With marriage equality at top of mind due to the upcoming Supreme Court decisions about the Defense of Marriage Act and California’s Proposition 8, this production highlights and emphasizes the basic question, who gets to decide whom we marry?

Righteous Housewives exists in this very temporal context and offers a point of departure for a discussion that has been taking place in the United States for some time now. The passing of Proposition 8 and the way Utahns supported its passage through aggressive fundraising and outspoken, anti-gay and anti-lesbian diatribes.

In fact, Emma’s daughter, Joy, is seen on stage organizing an auction to keep the defense of it alive.

Righteous Housewives has been written to celebrate free agency, to invigorate, inspire and challenge. In the end, it seems that the play’s most important tenet is that true love does not change when our loved ones change. No matter what the storm or conflict, true love for our family, our romantic partner, and ourselves is never shaken. It is a story that talks about the longing for family, the resilience of the human spirit, and the courage it takes to love unconditionally. Q To learn more visit www.righteoushousewives.com.

46 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | INTERVIEW

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

Kiss & Del

By Chris Azzopardi

Derek Gruen,

aka Del Marquis, is happy to let his fellow Scissor Sisters eclipse his nerd-cool presence on stage.

Now, though, as the band takes some time off, all swoony eyes – and ears – are on Marquis and his latest solo project, Cosmos, released under the moniker Slow Knights (take that, Jake Shears).

Marquis recently chatted about teaming with Prince’s legendary backing band for the new release, the “unique relationship” he has with the Scissor Sisters and his mission to be Beyoncé ... with a guitar.

What do I call you: Derek or Del? You can just stick with Del. I know I’m confusing everybody.

What do you like most about doing these side projects without the Scissor Sisters? I’m not really one of the main songwriters in Sisters. I come in and put down guitar parts over structures and ideas that are existing, so this really gives me more validation – considering I went from a world working as a designer into music, where I wasn’t sure I was creating enough.

I had to kind of do these projects to feel like I had my own little ego baby; basically, in a really trite way, I wanted to build something from the ground up, so on this second project I definitely felt more confident and got to the point where the record I finished was what I had in my head the whole time. I didn’t really feel like I did that the first time.

With the series you released in 2008 and 2009? Yeah, I had never written lyrics and I’d never sang to my own music, so it was really part experimentation and blind fury.

I look back and think, “God, I would’ve worked a little harder on that. I would’ve finessed those lyrics. I would’ve cut that song down by a minute.”

How would you describe this album to a Scissor Sisters fan? I set out to make an R&B record that went to outer space. It’s a groove record, but it’s a decidedly different sense of taste. Obviously, doing a record like this, I have a bit more control and it’s through my own filter as opposed to a band’s.

Do you like having that control, or would you prefer having three band members who can make decisions for you? There are bonuses to both. I can’t say I did everything myself on this record, but if I worked on a song with someone else, I just said to approach it in a way that maybe isn’t typical of their own work, because I have a certain sound I’m looking for.

So can you write from a different point of view than you normally would? Just keeping it so that with all these different contributors and different singers, it still sounds like a cohesive record and not some weird anomaly.

So, in a sense, you get to be the frontman and call the shots. Yeah, I mean, I’m the art director. (Laughs) I’m the creative director of the project. Being a creative director is very different from being a front person, and I’m actually the opposite. I chose four or five other people to be the front person to sing each song, which is the true focus for the listener, or most listeners, so I actually remove myself from the center of attention.

I was happy to kind of be a Dave Stewart and just wear sunglasses and hide a little bit, because I actually don’t feel very comfortable in front of a mic. I’m not a true singer, and giving the song to other people to sing allows me to enjoy them. I can distance myself enough from them by hearing someone else’s voice so I enjoy the record I’ve made.

You’re a lot like Jake, because he obviously doesn’t feel comfortable in front of a mic at all. He doesn’t?

I’m teasing. (Laughs) I’m actually that gullible. I’m like, “What are you talking about?” I don’t think I’ve ever known anybody more attuned to be there (than Jake) – and you know what, seeing that is clarity enough to know when it doesn’t feel right. Because it should feel natural.

Everyone has a role they are destined to fill whether they know it or not, and I have just enough attention on me as a guitar player. Anything more and I’m not sure I’d thrive like that.

I can understand wanting to blend

in. You get moments of glory and that feels great, but then if you’re in a bad mood you can get kind of skulk in the darkness and no one is that bothered.

Is that Madonna’s “Holiday” on “Under Attack” that I’m hearing? It’s just a coincidence. (Laughs) You know. It evokes a sense of childhood, maybe.

Happy accident, then? That was a happy accident. Sometimes those songs are just in our DNA, and I don’t know. If people want to make a comparison, I’m fine with that.

How did you come to work with Prince’s former backing band, New Power Generation? I had basically made a bedroom record like many people do, but I just felt like there was something missing. I’m not a great bass player, so I really felt like in order for these songs to sound authentic to my ears, I needed people to play them who are true players. When I played the demos to my engineer, he said, “I know the guys who used to play in New Power Generation and I’m sure I can set this up,” and we did. I flew out to Minneapolis and had a one-week session and it was by far my favorite part of the process. I just had to communicate very little. I just let them do what they do and it was so much fun.

When people are that connected to an instrument, music is their language.

Are you a big Prince fan? Yeah, I don’t really know anybody who isn’t appreciative in some aspect. Beyond liking the songs, I definitely like to study people who perform, because I didn’t feel like I was a natural performer. So I always kind of looked at different people’s movements, whether it was Nancy Wilson or Prince or Beyoncé. Prince, who was able to move while playing a guitar in these outfits – people couldn’t believe that he was playing a solo while riding on his back or doing a split. I was like, “How do I get to that point? How do I become Beyoncé with a guitar?” (Laughs) I definitely love studying live tapes of him and have taken inspiration from him, especially with the new romantic stuff and some of his outfit choices. It’s nice to study and, through my own lens, I’ve appropriated some things.

Study or stalk? I don’t want to stalk him.

He’s a Jehovah’s Witness! I don’t want anything to do with him. (Laughs) And I’m an adult. I’m not interested in stalking people.

But don’t you have a history of stalking famous musicians? Yeah, I was a teenager

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

music fan like anyone I know who’s in a band or works in publishing or in whatever position they’ve attained in music. The best people were once crazy fans. They were silly teenagers who made collages and stole set lists and waited outside of hotels. I mean, all the best that you want to work with as adults were insane teenagers, but you know, most people grow out of that and they say, “How do I find a way to get closer to music that’s not so disturbing for someone past the age of 20?”

How long do you expect the Scissor Sisters’ hiatus to last? I have no idea. And I think that’s how it should be. If and when it feels right we would do it in a second, so whatever that means.

Do you think breaks are important to a band’s longevity? There’s no other reason to take one. As a live band, we’ve never been very lazy. We always put a lot of effort into performing and that is really exhausting, and touring is becoming more and more difficult, so as a band – and we’re talking not two DJs with, like, one tour manager and a laptop – you’re traveling with a huge group and you’re freighting all this equipment, and it’s very expensive. It’s a lot of work to travel the globe. We just felt a little burned out. Like, “Let’s stop so we can enjoy it in the future rather than absolutely destroying ourselves to the point where we never want to see each other again.”

When’s the last time you saw them? In person?

Yeah. I don’t know. We text and email and tweet. I’ve seen everybody at least once since last fall. It’s just something where you can feel comfortable not seeing them for years and then you just walk into a room and we’d feel like no time had passed. It’s a unique relationship that’s difficult to explain unless you’ve been in a band. It’s this strange hybrid of family and friendship and ex-lover.

What are the challenges of releasing an album independently versus one you’ve done with Scissor Sisters? How diversified social media is.

Just to create a new name for this project, I had to start over with everything from the basics of Twitter, Facebook, Instagram – and then I’m not very active as it is. I’m almost like a technophobe, so for me this administration of being up on my Twitter – using exclamation points and being informative and funny – it’s like I can really barely muster the energy. I’d much rather be working in the garden or riding my bike and whistling at the clouds. (Laughs) I really have a tough time doing this groundwork.

Knowing that I made a great record is enough for me, and then it’s like, “Oh wait, I have to tell people about it.” I don’t want to do any of that. It’s awful.

(Laughs) I have people helping me set up some bells and whistles. Gosh, I sound like a fucking Golden Girl.

You need to call Taylor Swift. She’s mastered social media. (Sarcastically) Oh my gosh, I just need to be dating teenage boys and then breaking up with them. I’m sure that would really help.

INTERVIEW | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 47

There you go. New marketing plan. Yeah, that’s it.

How good are you with the hashtags? I keep forgetting. It’s like, “Do I need to hashtag?” I tweet when appropriate, and occasionally – When inappropriate? Yes, occasionally inappropriately, if I’ve had something to drink.

That’s the way you sell yourself. I know. But why does everything have to be funny? I mean, Twitter really only works if you’ve got wit. And I do consider myself occasionally witty, but I didn’t know that to be a pop star you also have to be a comedian. Q Chris Azzopardi is the editor of Q Syndicate, the international LGBT wire service. Reach him via his website at www.chris-azzopardi.com.

48 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

theater

‘Avenue Q’ relocates to Midvale, Utah

While

Salt Lake City is hosting the Utah Pride Festival, few would think to head to Midvale, Utah for a fabulous, queerfriendly production. But Midvale Main Street Theatre will be producing and showing of the adult-themed musical Avenue Q. The production will run May 30–June 15.

The theater is no stranger to controversial productions and hosted Rent last year and Sweeny Todd the year before.

The theater has also hosted comedians Bobcat Goldthwait and Ray Romano.

“We’re going completely uncensored and sticking to the script without alterations,” said Ray Fallis, who will be playing Rod, the closeted Republican.

“Midvale Main Street Theatre is extremely welcoming to everyone. It’s a very safe place.”

Avenue Q is an adult-themed spoof on Sesame Street and revolves around the main character, Princeton, who has just graduated from college with a degree in English. He moves into an apartment in New York City in the only neighborhood he can afford, on Avenue Q.

Oddly enough, in this neighborhood the superintendent is actor Gary Coleman. There, Princeton and his neighbors cope with the struggles of real life. Many of the characters are puppets and one of them is gay.

Q is now at GaySaltLake.com, facebook.com/qsaltlake, twitter.com/qsaltlake, issuu.com/qsaltlake, linkedin.com/qsaltlake and probably every other /qsaltlake out there.

Avenue Q was nominated for six Tony Awards in 2004 and won three: Best Musical, Best Original Score and Best Book of a Musical. The original cast recording was also nominated for a Grammy Award in 2005.

Actors must master the ins and outs of puppetry in just a short time as the official characters are rented. With just a few weeks to learn the parts, the production is a challenge, but Fallis said he hopes it’s a chance for people to see something new in a new venue.

“We’re trying to reach out to the other side of Salt Lake who is tired of seeing Joseph and Seven Brides. Avenue Q brings people in and hopefully introduces our theatre to a

new audience. The messages are really nice even though the musical is dirty, crass and raunchy,” he said. “These puppets are supposed to be alive and breathing. They’re facing the same problems as many of us and it’s perfect for the Pride season.”

Fallis, who is openly gay, said even though its community theater, it’s well done and very supportive of the queer community.

“The owner of the theatre, Tammy Ross, is fantastic and is building an environment that’s accepting and celebrates diversity,” he said.

For more information and to purchase tickets, go to midvaletheatre.com

9th Annual HRC Utah

GALA DINNER Saturday, June 8, 2013 The Grand America Hotel 5:00 VIP Reception 5:30 General Reception & Auction 7:00 Dinner Please join the HRC Utah Steering Committee and Gala Chair Dustin Schrecengost on Saturday, June 8 for Utah’s 9th Annual HRC Utah Gala Dinner & Silent Auction held at the Grand America. Nearly 1,000 of Utah’s most influential citizens will gather at this event to celebrate the strides HRC has made toward achieving equality for our community this past year, while preparing for the work ahead in the year to come.

Featuring:

Keynote – US Representative

Entertainment – Frenchie Davis

Kyrsten Sinema (AZ-9)

For tickets and more information, please visit utah.hrc.org/dinner.

50 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | WINE

Blue Crabs, Natty Boh, and World-Class Wine

By David White

“Wine is

just too fancy for Maryland,” explained Rob Deford, the owner of Boordy Vineyards in Baltimore County, as he discussed the local wine industry’s challenges. “We eat crabs here; we drink beer.”

food& drink The audience at this year’s Drink Local Wine conference chuckled in agreement.

Blue crabs and Natty Boh are iconic in the Old Line State, but few think of premium wines.

Rob Deford and a handful of other vintners are trying to change that, working

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gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

to raise the profile of the local wine industry — and increase wine’s popularity among consumers — by raising the quality of Maryland’s

wines.

They’re quickly gaining traction.

While the state had just 11 wineries in 2001, it’s now home to 62. And an increasing number of vintners are moving away from the fruit wines and non-European grape varieties that have long plagued the East Coast to produce wines that can compete on the world stage.

Just one hour west of Boordy Vineyards, Ed Boyce and Sarah O’Herron have gained a reputation for producing stunning wines at Black Ankle Vineyards.

The husband-and-wife team purchased the 145-acre farm in 2002 and promptly turned the property into an estate winery, selecting grapes well suited to the property’s soil and climate.

In 2011, Black Ankle ranked fifth on Wine Business Monthly’s annual list of the nation’s “most exciting” wine brands.

Just a few miles north from Black Ankle, Old Westminster Winery is about to release its inaugural vintage. Led by three siblings — Drew, Lisa, and Ashli, who manage the vineyard, winemaking, and marketing, respectively — the wines are already generating quite a buzz.

The list of exciting producers goes on.

This year’s Drink Local Wine conference was held in Maryland, and over two days, I tasted dozens of local wines. The wines from Black Ankle and Old Westminster lived up to the hype, and the offerings from Boordy,

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

nation had been making wine for thousands of years and was widely regarded as the world’s top wine region. But with both the whites and the reds, California won.

That competition — now known as “The Judgment of Paris” — transformed California’s wine industry. It helped accelerate Robert Mondavi’s efforts to tout California’s Knob Hall, Slack, and Big Cork were also quite impressive.

Optimism is clearly in the air. As Drew Baker of Old Westminster Winery explained to Frank Morgan, a popular wine blogger, “Maryland has great potential and I believe that the quality bar is rising quickly. Soon, poorly made wines will be the exception in an otherwise great region.”

Baker’s promotion of Maryland wine — rather than just his own offerings — isn’t unique. Even though Maryland’s wine industry traces its roots to 1648, the state’s winemakers see themselves as part of something new, making wine together in unchartered territory. During the two-day conference, it was a struggle to get vintners to talk about their own projects. Every winemaker I chatted with seemed more interested in promoting the industry as a whole than talking about herself.

Here, Maryland is taking a page from California’s playbook.

Today, no one doubts the Golden State’s ability to produce world-class wines. But until 1976, few wine critics took California seriously. That year, a British wine merchant named Steven Spurrier organized a wine competition in Paris, where he pitted California’s best Chardonnays and Cabernet Sauvignons against the best wines that France had to offer. Everyone assumed that France would win, as the

FOOD&DRINK | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 51

wines as being on par with Europe’s best offerings. California winemakers continue to credit Robert Mondavi for putting the state’s fledgling industry on the global wine map — and one can find California wine at restaurants and retailers across the world.

Maryland’s wine industry still faces a number of challenges. For such a small state,

Maryland has a wide range of climates and a number of different soil types, so viticulturalists are still figuring out which grapes work best, where.

But without question, the future is bright for Maryland wine. Q David White, a wine writer, is the founder and editor of Terroirist.com. His columns are housed at Palate Press: The online wine magazine at PalatePress.com

52 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | FOOD&DRINK

The Caiprinha

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

cocktail chatter

By Ed Sikov

“Portuguese

is easy,” Chipper explained.

“All you do is speak Spanish through your nose.”

Hilarity ensued. “That’s so bogus,” Craig managed to get out through heaves of laughter. The other boys – Dan, Paolo and me – were too convulsed to say anything.

“No, really!” Chipper insisted, and he proceeded to demonstrate: “¡Buenos dias!” he cried while holding his nostrils shut. It was certainly adenoidal, but Portuguese it wasn’t.

“I happen to know a bit of Portuguese,” Paolo announced, “and that’s not the way you say ‘good day’ in Portuguese.

It’s ‘bom dia.’”

“That’s what I said!” Chipper protested to no success. “Comeme!” he snarled, once again pinching his nostrils and sending the rest of us into spastic fits of amusement.

We were enjoying this especially inane discussion on the Saturday evening of a lovely spring weekend at Fire Island Pines; we’d all gotten together to open the beach house and launch another glorious season of hot sand, hot men, and – as far as Chipper was concerned – hot air. The particular topic suggested itself because I’d stopped at the amazingly well-stocked Pines Liquor Store and picked up a bottle of cachaça, the Brazilian firewater distilled from sugar cane. In Rio they practically give it away, it’s so cheap. The Pines Liquor Store charged a bit more, but it was worth it.

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Cachaça is very, very strong. Drinking it neat would be asking for trouble – bigtime trouble. It really must be mixed with something else to be palatable. Thus the Brazilian national cocktail, the caiprinha.

(It’s pronounced KYE-pa-REEN-ya.)

To make a round of great caiprinhas, you need a lot of very juicy limes.

This can be a problem in most of the United States and Canada, because in all but the warmest locations, limes are shipped to stores on the basis of their appearance, not their taste. How many times have you grabbed what looks like a perfectly ripe lime and sliced it open only to find desiccated, lifeless pulp? For this reason, I recommend that you augment your fresh limes with bottled lime juice. You’ll get whatever fresh flavor your limes will yield – and the rind is actually full of flavor and aroma – but you won’t be dependent on the probably low quality of the fruit inside.

Another peculiarity of the caiprinha is the fact that it’s better when the sugar you add doesn’t dissolve entirely, thereby giving the cocktail a slight crunch. Usually I recommend using superfine sugar

when mixing drinks. (And to really milk the experience for all it’s worth, you have to say “superfine” the way the guy says “Super Fly” in the theme song from that great blaxploitation film from 1972.) But superfine sugar dissolves completely, and you don’t want that in your classic caiprinha. There should be a granular quality in each sip, if for no other reason than to remind you that you’re drinking sugar can liquor. Here’s the classic caiprinha recipe, modified to increase the lime juice by way of a bottle:

The Caiprinha 1 lime 1 ½ tsp. sugar 1 tsp. lime juice 3 Tbsp. cachaça Slice the lime into quarters, and place the quarters pulp side up in a wide glass. Add the sugar and lime juice, the mash the lime quarters down with a pestle or other similar muddler. Add the cachaça and crushed ice and stir. Do not remove the lime pieces from the drink; this cocktail should have a rustic quality. Q Ed Sikov is the author of the e-book, The Boys’ and Girls’ Little Book of Alcohol, a novel with recipes based on his Cocktail Chatter column.

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FOOD&DRINK | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 53

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

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54 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | COMICS

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

anagram An anagram is a word or phrase that can be made using the letters from another word or phrase. Rearrange the letters below to answer:

2013 Utah Pride Grand Marshal

DO TEST DIVA _____ _____

cryptogram A cryptogram is a puzzle where one letter in the puzzle is substi-

Jane’s World

tuted with another. For example: ECOLVGNCYXW YCR EQYIIRZNBZN YZU PSZ! Has the solution: CRYPTOGRAMS ARE CHALLENGING AND FUN! In the above example Es are all replaced

by Cs. The puzzle is solved by recognizing letter patterns in words and successively substituting letters until the solution is reached.

This week’s hint: L = M

Theme: RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant MimiImFurst said:

Mqhy qv mqey o kondryde - o jysybpwv hqjwby qv omxonv sqdy ____ __ ____ _ ________ _ ________ ______ __ ______ ____.

PUZZLE ANSWERS ON PAGE 62

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

COMICS | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 55

56 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | A&E

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

hear me out Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution which can be reached logically without guessing. Enter digits 1 through 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each digit, as must each column and each 3x3 square. Qdoku is actually five separate, but connected, Sudoku puzzles.

Q doku

Level: Medium Medium

8 9 6

7

1

3 9

4

9

8

4 7 9

9 8 4 5 6

9 4 2 3

4 9 8

6

9 2 4

2 8

3 1 9 7 6 8

9 1

1

2 3

8 9 3

7 9 1 6

6

3 5 4 1 5

4

1 6 7 4 1 8

6 3 2 4

5

8

2

6 9 8 8 1 3 2

4 1 7

2 9 8 7

8 6 4 1

4 5 9

8 4

6 9 6

2 4

6 9 7 5 8 6

4 9

1

2 4 3 9

2 8

7

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4

7 6 3

Jessie Ware, Devotion If you’ve heard British breakthrough singer Jessie Ware’s “Wildest Moments” (and if you haven’t, what are you waiting for?), you know she has one helluva voice. She could belt and whip that thing around like a weapon. But she doesn’t. Her debut, Devotion, finally making its way to the States after a successful run overseas, is careful not to overindulge in vocal acrobatics, setting her apart from Adele, rising powerhouse Emeli Sandé and a sea of other singers competing for Longest Note Ever. Ware does it her way, and her modesty, the fact that she’s not clamoring to be the next big thing, feels genuine. Keeping the melismatic runs to a minimum, Devotion decidedly goes for a sophisticated old-school soul sound that makes for an accomplished vocal showcase and, all together, an impressive first outing. “Sweet Talk” is reminiscent of what Solange did on “Losing You”: It’s a throwback to the ’70s style of Motown, with groovy R&B guitar and vocal chicness. “No to Love” captures that smooth Sade sound, pairing Ware’s supple voice with funky electro flourishes and just enough electric guitar. “Taking in Water” stuns. Dedicated to her gay brother, it’s a heartfelt manifestation of loyalty and support for her struggling sibling. She’s fully in command of the song, but conveys emotion with simplicity and warmth. “Running,” too, never wails those riffs – the instinct of most singers. American Idol hopefuls, take it from Jessie Ware: Less is sometimes more.

Grade: A-

Ashley Monroe, Like a Rose The new trend with the countrygirl crowd: weed. Yup, you read right. Marijuana, Mary Jane, “medicinal numbing agent”: however you wanna put it, these gals are singing about it (Willie Nelson, aren’t you proud?). Kacey Musgraves suggests smoking a fat one on her great genre-buster Same Trailer Different Park, and now it’s Ashley Monroe, one of Miranda Lambert’s bandmates in the trio Pistol Annies, who’s huffing and puffing and getting her freak on. “Weed Instead of Roses” sounds like an old-timing Music Row ditty – the honkytonk guitars and piano solo give it a rockabilly feel – but it’s not exactly the country music that got your grandma two-steppin’: “Go call your no-good brothers, we both know what he’s been growing / I’ll be waiting with the whipped cream, and baby, let’s get going.” It’s a total hoot.

“You Ain’t Dolly (and You Ain’t Porter)” is similarly playful as she and Blake Shelton get flirty over a classic-sounding country track, but it’s nothing more than novelty. Chemistry? Not so much.

It’s only a letdown because the eight songs beforehand – all at least co-written by Monroe – set the bar so high: the personal title track laments family death and addiction like she’s coming clean to a therapist, “Two Weeks Late” shows off the Dolly spirit in her voice and “She’s Driving Me Out of Your Mind” is a traditional country weeper. With humor and heart, and a blunt between her fingers, Monroe isn’t just blowing smoke. She’s the real deal. Grade: A-

You Said a Mouthful Across 1 Disneyland feature 5 R. Nureyev’s land, once 9 Bug spray victim 13 Bucatinsky’s All ___ the Guy 14 Icy coating 15 Buffalo’s lake 16 Silents vamp Theda 17 Boy Scout ties 19 Start of a rebuke made to Thomas on Downton Abbey 21 Sulu portrayer George 22 Twin to Jacob 23 Drop of the head 26 “Why should ___ you?”

29 Portland daily, with The 35 Russian river 37 End of the rebuke 39 Milk-colored gem 40 Witches in Macbeth, e.g.

41 They get lipstick lesbians started 43 Marseilles moniker 44 Dust Bowl refugee

47 Bridge declaration 52 Response to the rebuke?

57 Appetizer from the land of Pasolini 58 Serious sign 59 ___ all-time high 60 Hawaiian wedding party, perhaps 61 Merge metals 62 Star Trek villain 63 “___ we forget” 64 The L.A. Sparks strip them

Down 1 Man with a steel rod 2 An ex of the Donald 3 McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy 4 Use a rubber 5 Bear that may be a minor 6 Ledge 7 Word from Bruce Weber, perhaps 8 Some used cars 9 Real swingers?

10 Switch end 11 www.stopaids.org, e.g.

12 Della’s angel 18 1957 movie river

20 Tipplers 24 Heavy burden 25 Bas relief of Eleanor’s husband 27 Stats from A League of Their Own 28 Bit of filming 29 Mrs. Lennon 30 Style of gold chain 31 Series ender 32 Like a stallion in a hurry 33 Baldwin’s The ___ Corner 34 Roman fiddler 36 ___ Miserables 38 Fork over 42 Bound gaily 45 “I knew ___ along!”

46 Come next 48 Popular resort, briefly 49 Singing Mann 50 Refine metal 51 Turns on 52 Sad-sounding European auto maker 53 Not taken in by 54 Sex and the City creator Darren 55 Schedule guesses, briefly 56 Mark through ANSWERS ON PAGE PAGE 62

2013 sponsors

CROSSWORD | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 57

may, 2013 | issue 218

58 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | ADVICE

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

ask mr. manners

Would you be my neighbor?

Dear Mr. Manners,

My partner and I just moved in to a new neighborhood in West Jordan. We were able to afford a much larger house with a nice yard for our two dogs. We couldn’t have been more excited to move in, until we went to meet our neighbors. We never hide the fact that we’re lesbians and introduced ourselves to everyone as partners. We received strange looks and even a request to stay away from one family’s children. We are both in our 20s, very well-kept, quiet and friendly.

But I don’t know how to break through to these people. We wanted to live in this house for many years, but I don’t know if that’s going to be possible. Do you have any advice for us?

Sincerely, Lesbians in the Styx

Lesbians in the Styx, We have all heard, “When in Rome do as the Romans do,” but let us not forget that the Romans were experts at battle technique always being on guard. In regards to your Utah neighbors, I don’t want you to pull out your battle-axes, but I do want you to enjoy the home you have worked hard to earn.

Taking the high road is never easy, but here are a few things to consider when keeping the “evil villagers” at bay.

Don’t take it personally.

Respect your neighbor’s choice to remain at a distance and do not allow your neighbors unfriendliness to dictate your actions. You have reached out to your neighbors trying to forge the bonds of friendship, but it sounds that the shackles of adversity seem to be the only thing taking hold. Embrace it, respect it, and move on. It’s always a bonus to have great neighbors, but it should not be a deterrent from the life you dream of. Continue to live your life, follow your routines, and hopefully time mixed with familiarity will prove to be the great healer.

That being said, don’t wait for time to pass you by, turn on the charm. We have all had those moments where we sparkle, but in this moment it is best to shine! Putting forth the continued extra effort to warmly greet your neighbors and showing sincere interest in wanting to meet them could make all the difference. However, if multiple attempts tend to lead to continued failure, maybe it’s time to show your

value to the neighborhood.

Demonstrate your commitment to the property through excellent care, and your efforts may help raise the value of the neighborhood. If the gay neighbors are the ones leading the value of the homes, you’ll

q scopes

ARIES March 20–April 19 A “Catch 22” situation arises and causes you frustration early in the month. Creative thinking could turn things around, however. Don’t be afraid to try the unusual. A Libra friend shows you the positive side. Cynicism slows you down. Financial problems may arise later in the month.

TAURUS April 20–May 20 Absence makes the heart grow fonder, especially if you’re involved with Scorpio. A decision you made several months ago has an effect on you this month. A problem that arises will be a blessing in disguise. Expect delays. Leo causes you frustration this month.

GEMINI May 21–June 20 A Taurus from your past resurfaces. You’ll find the bull a little deeper than you remember. A mid-month break from your busy schedule brightens your mood. Don’t be afraid to give in to relaxation. It’s really not so bad! Scorpio plays a role. Decisive action is key this month.

CANCER June 21–July 22 A great month! Something you worked hard for and wanted for some time is finally yours. Don’t be afraid to celebrate in a big way. More free time is on the way, so don’t be afraid to take advantage. An especially romantic

at least get their respect from a business perspective.

It is often said that we fear that which is unknown, but I feel that in this case Menninger defined it best as, “Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.” weekend is in store. Taurus plays a role. Finances look good.

LEO July 23–August 22 Keep a tight hold on valuables or something you love could be lost. This is especially true if you’re traveling this month.

Try to make the best of a bad situation. Negative thinking makes matters worse. Staying focused helps you keep pace with a busy workload.

VIRGO August 23–Sep. 22 Speaking up is the only way to make others aware of your frustrations. Keeping it all bottled in won’t help one bit. A flirtation at work could be a recipe for disaster.

Know what you’re getting into before flashing that smile. Leo is involved. A good time to get in touch with old friends.

Take your arrival into this new neighborhood as a chance to educate your neighbors through your interactions, daily routines, and just general “normal” behavior. For many residents of Utah having a gay couple move next door is a completely new experience and the only accounts they can pull from are what they see on TV and the idol gossip of others. Eventually curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will, but until then make sure you give them something to love. For when they learn to love you, they no longer will fear you.

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22– December 20.

A career opportunity could come your way when you least expect it. Before discounting it at face value, take a deeper look.

There may be more than meets the eye. If a major purchase is in the works, be sure to shop around.

Don’t write out any check unless you’re getting a good deal.

CAPRICORN Dec. 21– Jan. 19 Look back to the past to help fix a problem today. You’ll find that time has a way of repeating itself.

Scorpio offers some words of wisdom.

New romance should be avoided this month – especially if a Virgo is in the picture. An introspective mood leads you to answers.

LIBRA Sept 23–October 22 Before searching far for something you need, take a look right in front of you. It may not seem so obvious at first, but it will be crystal clear in time. A show of independence will work wonders in a romance – especially with Scorpio. An unusual source tells you of an investment opportunity.

Good news comes in threes.

AQUARIUS Jan. 20–Feb. 18 A friend’s offer of help may not be totally selfless. There could be some motives you’re not totally aware of. If you’re looking for a new job, this could be a lucky time.

Be sure to explore all options. Social invitations are more abundant now.

Don’t be afraid to have some fun.

SCORPIO Oct. 23–Nov. 21 Time spent alone gives you the opportunity to think through problems. You’ll be able to come to terms with a situation that has been troubling you for some time. If you’re in a management position, you may find that it’s lonely at the top. Change is imminent in a romance.

PISCES Feb 19–Mar 19 Finances will become an issue –especially if you have moved or taken on additional expenses recently. Careful budgeting will get you through.

A “to-do” list helps keep you organized at work. Social activities may have to take a back seat to family obligations this month.

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

SCENE | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 59

60 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | SEX

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

the dating diet

Talking Out Your Ass Anthony Paull

I shouldn’t

talk about my asshole. It’s not that amazing. It’s pink and whatever but it’s not like it’s the only one that color. My friends tell me a lot of people dye their assholes to match my shade so I should be silent and thankful. I should just shut up and stop bragging about it on Facebook.

They’re starting to get mad at me, erasing the naughty things I post on their walls.

But if only we could rewind back to a time when Facebook was fun. Back in the day my friends didn’t give a hoot about what I posted. Back then they knew better than to ‘friend’ their shithead relatives.

Now, they delete my posts in fear of what others might think.

Can someone tell me what happened?

I remember when my friends would get drunk and post unflattering pictures. Now everyone is mature and talking about babies and crockpots and anti-aging creams and going to bed early on school nights.

I guess it was bound to happen. We’re at that age. But the truth is I don’t ever want to be so old and mature that I can’t talk

mirror shot of the month

Is it bad that the only thing we notice in this shot is the horrific wallpaper?

about things like assholes and sucking on lollipops and falling asleep with Bic razors up my ass, because, well, there was that one rogue hair.

“That’s why Facebook invented private messaging,” my friend Pete reminds me.

“Not everyone is so public about things.

I mean…I have a whole other life in Facebook messages. It’s like Narnia...starring my dick.”

“Oh. Is it a short?”

Pete groans explaining that he is involved in several love affairs, each on a different social media site. It’s wonderful because he doesn’t actually have to meet the guys. They just give him the attention he needs when he’s lonely then he goes about his day. He states Facebook is the best because the messages can go on for days. “Twitter limits your characters,” he says. “I need more than 50 characters to translate my stats and needs. Twitter is just so superficial.”

Presently, Pete is in 5 pseudo-relationships, each varying in levels of intimacy and meaning. He hasn’t had many problems with it because what happens online stays online, according to Pete. He has no intention of actually meeting these guys in public. In fact, if he sees them in public he runs the other way or feigns indifference, casually passing them on the street.

“Can you believe it? Some guy actually expected me to know his name just because I sent him a picture of my penis the night before,” he states, as we grab a cup of coffee. He huffs. “Some people.”

Pete finds this humorous until a week later when we’re at the bar and one of his ‘regulars’ attempts to speak to him.

“Pete?” the guy asks, approaching.

The room is dark with pink lasers slicing the smoke and Pete turns to me, his eyes glowing with concern. “Oh God,” he says.

“Pete. Pete,” the guy calls, approaching.

“Hey, it’s me. Roger.”

Pete eyes him then me like I’m supposed to give him clues, like I know the identity of this random guy with the nose-ring and Carrot Top hair. I elbow Pete in the side.

“Roger…Roger…Roger!” Pete says, having an epiphany. If only his acting skills were a

level above Barbizon his reaction might be plausible. What follows is that awkward moment where two people know each other online but don’t know each other in reality. So we stare at each other smiling like this exchange is normal even though Roger has a picture of Pete’s penis on his phone. Isn’t it wonderful how we’ve all become porn stars in our personal lives?

“I need another drink,” Pete says, rushing off the bar.

In the darkness I’m left alone with Roger with the big red hair. Unfortunately he doesn’t know when to walk away so we shake hands and he tells me that he plays the accordion and that he just got back from the hospital because his mother had a hysterectomy. Yeah, he’s that person.

“That’s lovely,” I say, gritting my teeth.

“Good for you.”

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No.” “Grindr?”

“No.” “I know I’ve seen your pic before. What are you on?”

“Earth…here…in front of you…having this really awkward conversation about your mother’s uterus.”

He eyes me dully and I shudder, casually looking over at the bar to find Pete is nowhere to be found. I don’t know whether to mad or sad. Am I the crazy one or has Facebook and Twitter and Grindr completely eradicated the concept of social etiquette? Tell me, how do you go from ‘here’s a pic of my dick’ to a casual conversation? A few minutes later Pete apologizes, stating Roger should have known better. “He’s acting like a stalker,” he says.

But I don’t fault Roger. How is he to know the dating rules when they’ve become so skewed? Lately, even with friends, I have a hard time knowing what’s allowed. Is it ok if I call on the phone?

Should I just text? Maybe I shouldn’t post on his/her Facebook wall. Is it ok to say hello in public? What am I allowed to do?

Someone enlighten me.

“You can do whatever you want,” Pete tells me on the drive home. “Just don’t be so open about. That’s your problem, Anthony. You’re too open. You say the most random things in public…really loud so everyone can hear. Why do you do that?”

I think for a moment then turn to him.

“To keep my friends talking.” Q

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62 | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | final word

gaysaltlake.com | issue 218 | may, 2013

the perils of petunia pap smear

The Tale of A River Runs Through It

by Petunia Pap Smear

The road

Suddenly, there arose a dust cloud of frantic activity. Frenzied queens were running this way and that, squealing with excitement, bitch slapping each other trying to score the best inner tubes. Fearing possible electrocution, I forwent wearing my usual electric breasticles and opted for a very fashionable, fluorescent orange, busty looking “Dolly Parton” floatation vest.

I wadded into the river and screeched in distress as the icy cold water level reached my family jewels. They quickly retreated, not to be seen again for several hours.

I jumped on a too-small inner tube and immediately performed the “Poseidon Adventure Maneuver” by capsizing, poop side up. “Dolly Parton” brought me sputtering, back to the surface. With my hair now in ruins and mascara running down my face like Tammy Fay, I retreated to the shore and procured a larger tube. By this time the rest of the queens were beginning to float away, abandoning me to solitude.

I raced back into the rushing torrent and dove onto the larger tube. Not wanting to be left behind, I began paddling more ferociously than that hunky Michael Phelps in an Olympic relay, in order to catch up to the rest.

In my panic to try and catch up with the rest, I inadvertently paddled my tube into a clump of weeds on the riverbank.

I grabbed at some weeds in order to help pull myself free and I was pleasantly surprised when a large sun flower was left clutched in my talons. I kept hold of the flower thinking I could use it as a wand.

Now totally alone on the river, I thought that I would like to make a dramatic apCryptogram: Life is like a paycheck - a generous figure is always nice. pearance ala Cleopatra on a river barge, when I caught up to the others where we disembark from the river. So I pulled down my swimming trunks, rolled over onto my stomach exposing my lily white “moonus maximus”

to the Bear River Rapids is fraught with danger and excitement. As I wait impatiently for summer to finally arrive, I am reminded of the annual “Fruit Float” river trips that we used to do on the Bear River in Oneida Narrows, Idaho.

The flow of the river rises and lowers like the oceanic tides, due to the release of water from a hydroelectric damn. Whenever some queen in Salt Lake decides to plug in her curling iron and vibrator at the same time, the power company needs to activate the electric turbines for the additional flow to the electrical grid to prevent a blackout.

It was necessary to wait until the river was at full flow before we could float down it without scraping our bottoms on the rocks. We waited on the river bank, passing the time by playing strip Monopoly, while watching for the tell tale signs that the river was beginning to rise.

I had just landed my little silver racing car on Park Place. The rent was going to be five pieces of clothing. Not counting my beehive hair and pink feather boa which could never be removed. I was only wearing a swimming suit, t-shirt, and shoes.

You do the math. Just as I was reluctantly beginning to expose my “crescent moon,” we were startled by an earsplitting shriek, high pitched enough to decalcify a spinal column. I was greatly relieved when we realized that the squeal was not from terror of impending blindness from viewing my naked immensitude, but Eric had noticed that the water level was beginning to rise.

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puzzle solutions

to the sunlight and clenched the sunflower between my legs, so that it functioned as a mast on a ship. I could have sworn that I felt a carp nibble at my exposed “Schuanstooker.” I rounded the bend in the river and the others got a good giggle at the sight of my glorious “single masted river schooner” the H.M.S. Pap Smear.

In my revelry, I failed to notice that I was too far out into the main current of the river to easily disembark. Since my swimming trunks were caught around my ankles, I couldn’t maneuver as I needed.

I was rapidly floating towards a small waterfall. Since I was far past the point of no return, I decided my only option was to ride it out over the falls and hope for the best. I was thrilled when my tube avoided hitting the first large bolder. My joy quickly became panic as I was sucked by the ragging current around the rock and caught spinning rapidly in the whirlpool vortex of the rock’s downstream side. Getting dizzy, I kicked against the rock with my legs, losing my swimming trunks in the process, but thereby gaining enough momentum to send my tube further downstream. My tube then slammed against another rock, and slipped out from under me, leaving me grasping for dear life onto the rock, fighting the rushing torrent as it crashed upon my naked “Bodus Rotundus.” Unexpectedly, I became the recipient of a shocking and voluminous “Bear River Enema.” After being thoroughly “cleansed,” I released my hold on the rock and let Dolly Parton carry me further downstream to where I could emerge bloodied and muddied and bedraggled from the river looking ever so much like the queen from the black lagoon. Fortunately I was covered in enough seaweed that I was able to shield the family jewels from public disparagement.

As always, these events leave us with several eternal questions: 1. If I connected my breasticles with the disco ball nipples to the electrical grid, could the power company avoid building additional power plants?

2. Could this be a possible solution to climate change?

3. Does a “river enema” have any special healing virtues?

4. What did the carp think?

5. Should I develop a seaweed line of swimwear?

These and other important questions to be answered in future chapters of: The Perils of Petunia Pap-Smear.

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SEX | Q SALT LAKE MAGAZINE | 63

may, 2013 | issue 218 | gaysaltlake.com

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