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JULY 18, 2019 VOL. 16 • ISSUE 302 QSALTLAKE.COM
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Join us
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visit us @ ogdenpride.org for all the details
1st-3rd
3 Days of Fun for the Whole Family 1st - Soirée & Homecoming Dance @The Monarch
2nd - Pride Rally & Youth Drag Show @Weber State
3rd - 5k Fun Run
hosted by IRCONU
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Rendezvous is a 5-day LGBTQ campout in the Medicine Bow National Forest between Laramie and Cheyenne Wyoming. Pitch a tent or bring an RV and join us for 5 days of making new friends while celebrating your Pride Wyoming-style.
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Hurry, get tickets before July 20th and you can receive an early bird discount! 500+ Attendees | Live Entertainment | Games | Hiking | Drag Queen & King Performances | Food Vendors | Campfires | And More!
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news The top national and world news since last issue you should know HRC leadership changes A cisgender man who was counsel to the New York Governor and was New York’s Deputy Secretary and Counsel for Civil Rights, Alphonso David, has been named as the new president of the Human Rights Campaign. David is a civil rights lawyer by training and a person of color by birth, a first for both identity categories to serve as president of HRC. He replaces prodigious fundraiser Chad Griffin.
World Cup full of gays Adding to the controversy around using the “Star-Spangled Banner” as a protest vehicle and “F-bombing” the White House, U.S. Soccer star, Megan Rapinoe said it’s impossible to win a World Cup without gay players on the roster. “You can’t win a championship without gays on your team — it’s never been done before, ever,” she told reporters. “That’s science, right there.” She told an English newspaper, “For me, to be gay and fabulous, during Pride month at the World Cup, is nice.” Not sure about the hard science about gays on the roster and winning soccer championships but, no team will win the women’s World Cup this year without gay players in the quarterfinals: USA has five; England, three; Sweden has five and the Netherlands has five gay identifying players. The USA women’s team
won the Lesbian Bowl by beating the Netherlands in the final game, 2 to 0.
Some want companies, police out of parades Protesters in San Francisco and New York City demonstrated against the corporate takeover of Pride Parade events. The alternative Queer Liberation March in downtown Manhattan also protested police barricades and police presence at the 50 years of Stonewall-themed parade in NYC. The New York and SF protesters said the parade has lost its radical roots and become commercialized with parade floats paid for by banks and beverage companies. They said they want, “A march, not a parade, to commemorate the Stonewall riots.” A “Revolting Lesbians” marcher told The New York Times, “We’re here today because we are tired of the police and corporations taking over Pride.”
Youth not as hot on LGBTQ No idea which letter of the acronym is turning them off but, LGBTQ acceptance is declining among younger Americans aged 18–34. The decline is led by women in that age cohort, though they are still more accepting than males in the age group. The GLAAD-sponsored Harris survey of nearly 2,000 people finds less than half are comfortable with LGBTQ people and issues. The number dropped from 53 percent last year to 45 percent this year. The CEO of the Harris Poll found this surprising, “This is a notable erosion of acceptance for the LGBTQ community, which counters many of the assumptions we make about their (young people) values and beliefs” For Americans over 34 years of age, acceptance has remained the same.
HRH not worried about queens in family Prince William, second in line to the British throne, said he would “fully support” any of his children if they came out as LGBTQ. His comments came as he toured the a charity for homeless LGBTQ youths in London. William said that it would be “absolutely fine by me,” though he noted that there might be “backlash” that would worry him, “As to how everyone else will react and perceive it and then the pressure is then on them,” he said. His mother, Lady Diana Spencer, made HIV/AIDS a focus of her charitable work before her death.
Tale of two Catholic schools An Indiana school run by the Jesuit Order, though under pressure from the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Indianapolis, refused to fire a male employee married to a man. Another high school in the diocese, Cathedral High School, gave in and fired the man’s husband who was a teacher in its employ. The high school’s board of directors said in a letter that if the school kept the teacher on staff, it would lose its nonprofit status, its diocesan priests and its ability to offer the Eucharist, among other consequences. They said they hoped the termination won’t “dishearten” students and offered to help the fired teacher find another job.
Mayor Pete Hauls in cash Mayor Pete has raised a “ButtA-Gig” of campaign money. He’s raised $24.8 million in the last three months from more than 230,000 new donors which is an average contribution of $47.42. Says The New York Times, “Mr. Buttigieg’s haul, from more
than 294,000 donors, is the clearest indicator yet of how a candidate who only months ago was little known among voters has become a formidable contender in the race for the Democratic nomination.” The Victory Fund, following its tradition of endorsing cis-gendered candidates, but breaking its tradition of endorsing straight candidates, has endorsed Mayor Pete.
More gay men in administration Seeing a pasty 20-something man in khaki shorts and a pastel shirt, holding hands with another man at the Washington DC Pride parade isn’t a rare sighting. What makes it rare is the Deputy Press Secretary in the current White House. Judd Deere, from Arkansas, has been serving for almost six months. He says though he doesn’t go to work at the White House every day and announced that he is gay, “I’m completely open about who I am,” he says, “these individuals that I work with don’t treat me any differently because I’m gay.” There are other gay men in the current administration, including German Ambassador Richard Grennell.
No panic in NY court The “panic defense” seldom works as a strategy in crimes against gay people; first gaining notoriety with its failure in the prosecution of Mathew Shepherd’s killers. Still, New York Govenor Andrew Cuomo felt the need to sign into law a bill banning the use of the “gay panic” and “trans panic” defenses in murder cases in the state’s courts. That makes seven U.S. states now that ban or limit the defense. Cuomo signaled his virtue by signing the bill shortly before joining in New York City’s Pride march.
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SL Cty Council: conversion therapy ‘should not happen in Utah’ The Republican-heavy Salt Lake County Council passed a resolution June 25 with complete support of all members on the council agreeing conversion therapy is a practice that should not happen in Utah. The vote was unanimous to urge lawmakers to revive and pass a law that would have prohibited therapy attempting Arlyn Bradshaw to change the sexual orientation or gender identity of LGBT minors. Utah would have been the 16th state
to ban conversion therapy, but this year’s bill fizzled after lawmakers altered it to include language that LGBT advocates believed would not stop conversion therapy. It never reached a vote on the House floor. “When so-called conversion therapy fails to work, Utahns told us of their feelings of despair,” Troy Williams, executive director of Equality Utah, told the council before the vote. “They felt that they had failed their therapist, failed their church, failed their families and maybe even failed their God. That sense of failure and the lack of self worth, that’s the danger.” County Councilman Arlyn Bradshaw, who co-sponsored the resolution, said he finds the issue deeply personal. He was 17 years old when he moved to
UofU grad students priced out of getting HIV preventative medicine University of Utah graduate students who take advantage of the school’s health insurance benefit are basically priced out of receiving HIV preventative medication, or PrEP. The UofU provides health insurance to all students who qualify for graduate tuition benefit. Under this plan, there is no upfront prescription coverage, which means that any prescriptions must be paid out of pocket first, with the opportunity for a 50 percent reimbursement from their insurance provider. As a result of this policy, students who are in need of access to PrEP must pay $1,800 upfront before submitting for reimbursement, which is only $900 of that cost. On average, graduate students at the UofU take home about $1,400 per month. The average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in Salt Lake City is now over $1,000 a month. When considering the other costs of living, including food, taxes, transportation, and any other out-of-pocket healthcare expenses, it is clear that paying for PrEP is only feasible for graduate students when crucial sacrifices are made. The University of Utah Department of Health’s Free HIV PrEP Clinic cannot
offer the graduate students access, since only uninsured people quality. PrEP manufacturer Gilead’s program that picks up what an insured person pays out of pocket for the drug over and above what their insurance pays also cannot be used, since students must pay out of pocket for their prescriptions, and charges for PrEP are billed as “uninsured.” In short, graduate students at the University of Utah are unable to get or afford the potentially life-saving drug. A petition was launched that asks administrators at the University of Utah to pursue one of two actions to address the problem and ensure that graduate students can access this life-saving medication: Renegotiate graduate student insurance contracts to include prescription coverage upfront; or allow graduate students insured under the University of Utah health plan to access services and medications from the free PrEP clinic at the University of Utah. The petition was started by Univeristy of Utah graduate teaching assistants Devon Cantwell and Rebecca Hardenbrook. For more infomation on the petition, it can be found at bit.ly/ugradsprep. Q
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
Utah in the late 1990s, and was coming to terms with his sexuality when he was asked if he wanted “therapy for my sexual orientation.” “Not in a malicious way, but [the person thought] perhaps it could help me with what I was dealing with,” he told his colleagues on the council. “And I made the decision to turn down that offer. And to my family’s credit, I was not forced into anything at that time in my life. I often wonder how maybe my life would be different if I had undergone that.” However, on a bright note, under Bradshaw’s recommendation, the council voted to develop a Youth Suicide Prevention Task Force in Salt Lake County. More than a dozen states have banned certain counselors from trying to change the sexual orientation or gender identity of minors, and supporters of the legislation in Utah have framed a legal change as a potentially life-saving move. Q
LGBT entries marched in Freedom Festival Parade The Provo Freedom Festival routinely rejected any entries from LGBT groupos to march in the July 4 parade, however this year the applicants sailed throughw without any strife or fanfare. Last year the group issued a nondiscrimination policy that included sexual orientation (yet excluded gender identity), and then immediately denied several LGBTQ organizations from marching in the annual parade. Then in an astonishing last-minute turn of events that included the threat of retraction of festival funding, five LGBT groups marched in last year’s parade. This year, four of those groups were accepted to march in either the parade or pre-parade. Mormons Building Bridges co-founder Erika Munson told the Daily Herald that she had some concern that there could still be some discomfort on the part of parade organizers with LGBT entries this year. However, when everything was approved without a hitch this year, all she felt was relief. “I don’t want last-minute press conferences and tense meetings,” Munson said. I can do without that, thank you very much.” Q
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Young duo holds Pleasant Grove’s first Pride Salt Lake Goodtime Sixteen-year-old Jamie Knox co-hosted Pleasant Grove’s first Pride celebration June 29. Knox is the holder of this year’s “Righteous Miss Provo” title, an event held to help raise funds for Provo Pride. As Knox and friend Tayler Adams, who performs at drag shows across the state and beyond as Brigitte Kiss, were competing and performing in all-ages drag competitions in Utah County, Knox said she wanted to create a Pleasant Grove Pride event. Adams used to lived in Pleasant Grove and Knox had just moved there from a small town in Missouri. They put together what they call a different kind of Pride — one without sponsors that focused only on highlighting advocacy groups who support Utah County with information and support networks. “Growing up, I didn’t really have a lot of support. And I’m very empathetic and sympathetic to everyone who doesn’t have it,” Knox told the Daily Herald. “I want to offer that to people.” “Whatever kind of issues or trauma they’ve gone through, I just really want people to know that I’m here, or like people are there,” Jamie said.
Adams said it was important to them to bring something to a town they were deeply involved in. “It means something to me, it means something to Jamie that we can have our place in that community,” he told the Herald. “I think the important thing is we’re bringing pride to a community that matters to us. I mean, it’s already there. But we’re gonna take a stand together.” Adams said it was scary to call the city to rent Anderson Park for the event, as they had no idea what the response would be. Adams said the city was pretty neutral on the whole idea. Pleasant Grove City Administrator Scott Darrington said the city is happy to have any event as long as event planners go through the proper channels to rent out a space and respect city restrictions, which he said Adams and Knox did. The event was mostly a group meeting in the park, but also included musicians and drag performers, including Adams and Knox. The duo hope to make the Pleasant Grove Pride celebration an annual event that will hopefully grow year to year. Q
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Bowling League season starts soon
Utah’s longest running sports league, Salt Lake Goodtime Bowling League, is about to start this year’s season with sign-up events this month. A barbecue at Club Try-Angles, 241 W. Harvey Milk Boulevard, will take place Sunday, Aug. 11. Food is $5 or free if you register and pay your snction dues of $24. Bowling is free on Aug. 25 for a fun bowl at 6 p.m. on Bonwood Bowl, 2500 S. Main St. with opportunities to sign up for the league. The bowling league was founded in 1990 and is sanctioned by the U.S. Bowling Congress and Great Salt Lake Bowling Association. The bowling league is about fun, socializing, competition, and giving back to the community. They bowl Sundays at 7 p.m., September through April. They have several theme nights during the year and an awards dinner in April. Information on their Facebook page, Salt Lake Goodtime Bowling League.
2019–20 Season for Salt Lake Goodtime Bowling League League Details
• 24-Week Season. Sept 8–March 8 • Practice 6:30pm • League Play 6:40pm • Sanction Dues $24 (USBC Membership) • Weekly League Dues $12
(No bowling Dec. 22 for Christmas, Dec. 29 for New Years, Feb. 2 for Super Bowl, Feb. 23 for Oscars)
4095 S. Main St. SLC, UT 84107 801.261.0150
www.littledogsresort.com
Sign-up Events Aug. 11th — BBQ @ Club Try-Angles, 2–5pm
Burger, Chips and Salad $5, Free with paid sanction dues
Aug. 25th — Fun Bowl @ Bonwood Bowl, 6pm Sept 8th — First Day Sign-ups @ 5:30pm League Meeting @ 6pm Bowling @ 6:30pm
Bonwood Bowl, 2500 S Main St, So. Salt Lake
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Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
5th annual Ogden Pride to celebrate unity in diversity The fifth annual Ogden Pride Festival comes to downtown Ogden August 1-3, offering an opportunity for the community to once again show that there is unity in diversity. However, the unity in diversity drive actually begins July 27, when the group kicks off pride week with Project Rainbow, posting flags throughout Weber county. You can sponsor and have a flag posted in your yard by signing up here: https://www.projectrainbowutah.org/sign-up/ogden Then on Aug. 1, the annual Soirée fundraiser will take place at The Monarch, 455 25th St., Ogden. This is their largest fundraiser of the year, which helps fund and support their mission and programs throughout the year. The evening will include a keynote address from Sue Robbins, hors d’oeuvres, a wine bar, silent auction, and more. Please purchase your tickets here. Following the Soirée, Ogden Pride will host their first all-ages Homecoming Dance! The doors at 8:30 pm, with a
cover of $5 at the door, or it’s free for those under the age of 18 or who attend the Soirée. Then on Aug. 2 is the 2nd Annual Pride Rally, 5:30 pm, at the Weber State Pond. Bring your friends, family, and neighbors as we remember the 50th Anniversary of the Stonewall Riots. There will be an open mic form and we remind you this is a family-friendly peaceful event. After the Rally, the Imperial Rainbow Court of Northern Utah hosts their 3rd Annual Youth OUTreach Drag Show, 7:30 pm, at the Weber State Shepherd Union Ballroom, and is free for all ages, with donations benefiting the IRCONU OUTreach Fund. Also returning this year, on Aug. 3, is the 5k Fun Run presented by Dominion Energy. Registration begins at 7 am at the Big Dee Sports Park in Ogden. And finally wrapping up the wonderful week of events is the Pride Festival! The festival is free to attend and runs from noon to 8 pm,
Living Color Gala to celebrate diversity initiatives in Utah business Utah Business and Living Color Utah will present the first-annual Living Color Gala — a night to honor those who have made it their mission to attract and foster diversity initiatives in the state of Utah. The black-tie gala is a partnership among the Black Chamber of Commerce, the Utah Asian Chamber of Commerce, the Utah Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, the SLC Pacific Island Business Alliance, the Utah LGBTQ+ Chamber of Commerce, the Utah Cultural Trust, and
Young Professionals Salt Lake City. Utah Business hopes to bring awareness to the changing business landscape in Utah and create a foundation upon which further recruiting efforts can be built. The event will be held at the Vivint Smart Home Arena Aug. 21 with live music, a cash bar, and a 3-course meal. Utah Jazz owner Gail Miller will be keynote speaker. The event will also honor the individuals who are creating a lasting impact on Utah’s diverse communities. Q
at the Ogden Amphitheater, honoring and celebrating Pride in Ogden Utah. There will be an amazing lineup of entertainers, vendors and fun
activities. So get out there and “Embrace, Encourage, Empower!” Q More information on Ogden Pride is available at ogdenpride.org
Saratoga Springs homeowners face fines for flying Pride flags Residents in a Saratoga Springs neighborhood received notices about flying flags “other than the state or national flag.” They are calling foul, as other homeowners who fly flags for their favorite sports teams or seasonal flags have not received similar notices. Bridgett Hall said she received a warning June 25 about her pride flag flying in the garden in the Legacy Farms neighborhood. The Covenants, Conditions, and Restrictions at Legacy Farms say no flags can be flown outside of homes with the exception of the state or national flag. Hall and news media outlets say that neighbors have never received warnings for flying sports-related flags. Peter Harrison, the neighborhood association lawyer, says that the HOA rules must be enforced across the board because if not, that could lead to problems in the future when issues come up. He also suggested that if residents living in HOA neigh-
borhoods don’t like a particular rule, they are within their rights to band together and, if they get enough support, they can have rules amended. Aubrey Bentley, who also lives in the neighborhood says that the Pride flag is very meaningful to her. “I wouldn’t have flown the flag if it didn’t mean something to me,” she told KSL News. Both Hall and Bentley said that next year, even if they are threatened with fines, a rainbow flag will be flying in front of their homes. Q
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Harvey Milk Blvd. has a new mural to honor its namesake A symbol of one of the first nationally recognized gay activists, Harvey Milk, was honored on Harvey Milk Boulevard, 900 South, in Salt Lake City. About 60 people attended a ribbon cutting of the mural gracing the wall at 265 E. Harvey Milk Blvd., home to three local businesses: Enso Piercing, Liberty Wells Barber Co., and A La Mode clothing boutique. Alongside the portrait of a smiling Milk was a quote from a speech he gave in 1977: “All young people, regardless of sexual orientation or identity, deserve a safe and supportive environment in which to achieve their full potential.” Milk was among the first openly gay candidates in the nation to be elected to public office when he won his seat on the San Francisco Board of Supervisors in 1977. He was sworn in Jan. 9, 1978. He foresaw his own death when he wrote, “If a bullet should enter
my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door.” Milk was assassinated after only 322 days in office on November 27, 1978 along with Mayor George Moscone by fellow City Supervisor Dan White. He is now memorialized in downtown Salt Lake City alongside other civil rights luminaries like Martin Luther King Jr. (600 S.), Rosa Parks (200 E.) and Cesar Chavez (500 S.). Muralist Josh Scheuerman said, “Art has the power to start a conversation and to share a message with only a visual representation. I have seen murals unite communi-
ties and help propel a dialogue about social issues and causes. As an artist, I believe I have a powerful role in helping to shape the world I want to live in, which is both brave and kind for future generations.” He reflected on his college roommate who was from
Q Day at Lagoon is Sunday, Aug. 4 The annual Q Day at Lagoon, which draws thousands of red-shirted lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender and other queer thrill-seekers to Farmington, happens Sunday, August 4. This year, attendees can gather and picnic at a large terrace east of the Rocket —
Qmmunity
15th Annual HRC Utah Dinner The HRC Utah Steering Committee and Dinner Team cordially invite you to join us in an elegant evening of togetherness and community. The 15th Annual Utah Dinner brings together nearly 1,000 of HRC Utah’s members, friends, families, and allies for an evening of inspiration and celebration at the landmark Grand America Hotel in Salt Lake City. The evening begins with a cocktail reception, where guest mingle while they review a dazzling array of silent auction items. The action then moves to the ballroom, for a memorable dinner followed by thought-provoking speakers and live entertainment. This event regularly attracts some of Utah’s leading-edge businesses and political figures, and it has become one of the “must-attend” events of the year. Don’t miss this opportunity to be a part of history as we celebrate the
the Canyon Terrace. Bring a picnic or just come take a break with the group. At 4 p.m. at the Canyon Terrace, a group photo will be taken, which will be printed in the next issue of QSaltLake Magazine. Petunia Pap Smear and oth-
LGBTQ milestones achieved and rise to face the many challenges still ahead. Saturday, July 20, 4–11 pm, The Grand America Hotel, 555 S Main St. Tickets at hrcutah.org
Trans family pool party The Trans Family Pool Party makes a splash return this summer to celebrate the god-awful heat with cold water and fabulous trans families and friends. Trans and gender non-conforming parents and kids can dive in and have the White Towers Pool all to yourselves, surrounded by a friendly, supportive community. The event is on Sunday, July 21, 3:30-8 pm, at White Towers swimming pool, 998 E. Larkspur Dr (10384 S), White City, Utah. As always, no one turned away for lack of funds, but donations are welcome. There will be burgers, hot dogs, plates, napkins provided by the Transgender Education Advocates of Utah and TransAction. The rest of the potluck will be divided as follows, so
rural Utah and who came out 20 years later (after college), who was then “depressed and withdrawn for a very long time, but is now happy today.” He said it was an honor and thanked building owner J. R. Holbrook for the opportunity. Q er Matrons of Mayhem will be on-hand to play bingo toss with prizes worth dollars. Discount coupons are available at Club Try-Angles, Cahoots, Spark, and SunTrapp in Salt Lake; and NoFrills Diner, Kaffe Mercantile, and Jack & Jill’s in Ogden; and Charleys in Pocatello, Idaho. Q
please bring a dish: Surnames A–I salads, J–R desserts, S–Z snacks (chips, cookies, etc.) Contact the TEA of Utah or TransAction with any questions, ideas or comments. As with many of their programs, they strive to make this accessible to all families and individuals. Please let them know if you need any accommodations that would help your family participate to the fullest. This year’s sponsor is Friar Tuck’s Barbershop
Bingo to help end human trafficking The Matrons of Mayhem are raising funds for the Junior League’s efforts to end human trafficking Aug. 16 from, 7–9 pm. Third Friday Bingo has been calling out ball numbers to standing-room-only crowds the past several months, so they suggest coming early. Doors open at 6 p.m. All seating is general admission. $6 for one card or two for $10. Kitchen concessions available for purchase: First Baptist Church, 777 S 1300 East.
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quotes “The purity of a person’s heart can be quickly measured by how they regard animals” — Anonymous
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.” — Samuel Butler
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” — Dave Barry
“I’ve met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” — Hippolyte Taine
“Everybody’s hanging out with their friends and partying it up, and I’m all over here like, ‘I got a new goat!’” — Anonymous
“never, never be afraid to do what’s right, especially if the weii-being of a person or animal is at stake.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.” — Betty White
“The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.” — Johnny Depp
“If having a soul means being able to feel love and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans.” — James Herriot
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who’s your daddy
Sophie, the homophobic cat BY CHRISTOPHER KATIS
I didn’t
get my first dog until I was 35-years old. My dad wasn’t what you’d call a pet kind of guy. Now, it’s true that we did have a couple of cats over the years when I was kid, but a dog was simply out of the question. Whenever I begged for a puppy, he’d remind me that our yard wasn’t fenced and he didn’t want the responsibilities that came with a dog — the walks, the vets, the food. He knew (rightly so) that after a couple gleeful romps with me or my brother through the neighborhood, the task of exercising the dog would fall to my mom. As for the cats, first Spook and then Sam, well, they were a testament to just how much my dad adored my mom. My father hated cats and never really trusted them. His entire side of the family firmly believed that cats kill babies by stealing the kid’s breath. I kid you not — killer kitties. Of course, my mom always thought that was charmingly ridiculous, as did all of us kids. So, naturally, the jokes flowed like beer at Octoberfest when, a couple years after my dad passed away, my sister got our mom a cat for her birthday. Keep the kids away from the new cat, she’ll murder them in a New York minute! Sophie is an older rescue. She sleeps most of the time, and runs that house like a boss cat should. Everyone really likes her. Well, everyone but me. That came as a surprise to
everyone because I dig cats. I frequently remind my boys and husband that Athena, our cat, is my favorite member of our family. So, what’s my issue with Sophie? Well, first of all she terrorized our dog Skeelo on their one and only meeting. He’s the sweetest dog ever and she freaked him out by nearly kicking the snot out of him. He had to hide behind me for safety. There’s that, and the fact that she’s homophobic. It’s true. She has no issue with any of my brothers petting her, but if Kelly or I move a hand in her general direction, she hisses and bites at us. She actually has growled at me for just walking into the same room as her. I know what you’re thinking, she smells Skeelo on us. But she has no problem with the boys petting her — and he’s their dog too! And consider this: she hisses at me over the phone. See, I call my mom every day and during our conversations I am frequently asked if I’d like to talk with Sophie, who is cuddled up next to my mom, curiously rubbing against the phone. Look, I never want to talk to any animal on the phone for the same reason I never talk to babies on the phone: they can’t talk back. But like all crazy cat ladies, my mom holds the receiver to Sophie’s ear and says, “Say hi to Chris, Sophie.” And Sophie promptly hisses. You read that correctly, the cat hisses when she hears my
name. I’m pretty sure she’s calling me every name in the book, or spouting hate speech that would make the Westboro Baptist crowd blush. But I’ve decided to love Sophie for who she is. If my mom loves that cat, that’s good enough for me. After all, if my mom can love Kelly for 31 years simply because I love
him, the least I can do is try to work it out with Sophie. But be warned, cat: try to steal my breath and all bets are off! Q
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14 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | VIEWS
creep of the week
Ryan T. Anderson BY D’ANNE WITKOWSKI
The U.S.
government is locking children in cages and refusing to give them soap or toothpaste, but for some folks, the most pressing issue is the fact that my wife and I are legally married. So, let’s talk about Ryan T. Anderson, shall we? He’s a research fellow at The Heritage Foundation, a group that really doesn’t like LGBTQ people or immigrants for that matter. Funny how so much hatred overlaps. Not “ha ha” funny, but “kids sleeping in their own waste on cement floors with aluminum blankets” funny — aka not funny at all. Anderson recently had a piece posted on The Daily Signal titled “4 Years On, ‘Marriage Equality’ Slogan Still Doesn’t Add Up” in order to commemorate the Supreme Court’s Obergefell v. Hodges ruling that legalized marriage
H
between same-sex partners. Anderson’s argument is, essentially, any view of marriage that includes same-sex couples is “primarily about an intense emotional union: a romantic, caregiving union of consenting adults.” This view, he writes, “simply fails as a theory of marriage because it cannot explain any of the historical marital norms” such as “monogamy, exclusivity and permanence” as well as “what interest the government has in it.” In other words, why would two people of the same sex, who can’t even make babies with their privates, want to commit to and have sex with only one person forever? And why should their commitments to each other be legal? As far as same-sex unions go, Anderson doesn’t see why we should get the government
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involved. “If marriage is just about the love lives of consenting adults, let’s get the state out of their bedrooms,” he writes. “And yet those who supported the redefinition of marriage wanted to put the government into more bedrooms.” First of all, marriage, even a definition that includes samesex couples, isn’t just about the love lives of consenting adults. Second, assuming Anderson is heterosexual and engages in consensual sex, he’s never had his sex life policed by the state. He didn’t have the Supreme Court rule in 1986 that consenting adults of the same sex had no right to engage in sex with each other, even in private. This was, thankfully, struck down in 2003, but that was 17 long years later. So his claim that fighting for legally recognized marriage is akin to inviting the government into “more bedrooms” is insulting and ignores a lot of painful history. Also, let’s talk about “historical marital norms,” since Anderson thinks they’re so important. What marriage is has changed a lot over time, so it’s not clear what “historical” norms Anderson wants to get back to. Should we go back to when women were essentially their husband’s property? How about when husbands could rape their wives with impunity? How about when women needed their husband’s signature to get a credit card or a loan? I just watched “RBG,” a documentary about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and it is fresh in my mind that Ginsburg fought against discrimination on the basis of sex and that there were hundreds of laws on the books that related women
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
to second class citizens. And women are still, today, fighting for the right to control their own bodies and make their own decisions about their reproductive lives. But Anderson doesn’t see progress when he looks at the history of marriage. He sees only a cesspool of sin. “Long before there was a debate about same-sex anything, heterosexuals bought into a liberal ideology about sexuality that makes a mess of marriage,” he writes. “Cohabitation, no-fault divorce, extramarital sex, non-marital childbearing, pornography and the hook-up culture all contributed to the breakdown of the marriage culture.” Sure, maybe the fact that unmarried people have sex with each other and/or live together is what hurt “marriage culture.” Or maybe, just maybe, it was the way women have been historically strangled by the patriarchy that saw marriage as a man’s control over a woman rather than two adults who love each other as equals. I am reminded of an interview I did with my maternal grandparents when they were around 70 years old for a history project in college. They described the 1950’s as “a kinder, gentler time.” And maybe it was for a white upper-middle-class man and woman, but you have to ignore a hell of a lot of ugly history to believe that. Q
JULY 18, 2019 |
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
guest editorial
VIEWS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 15
Marquardt’s ‘voice’ is paid for by prison-for-profit BY EASTON SMITH
Earlier
this year, my partner and I drove to the remote desert town of Calexico, Calif., to visit a detained Honduran migrant (whom I will call “Pedro”). Pedro had just turned 18, a boy really, and he hadn’t had a single visitor since he’d turned himself in at the border seeking asylum several months before. We’d been asked to visit by his boyfriend, another Honduran migrant living in Salt Lake City, who was working tirelessly to get him released. The Imperial Regional Detention Facility is located along a dusty road in the Imperial Valley. The barbed wire fencing looked strange and imposing amongst the irrigated fields. We entered through two steel gates and metal detectors, then we sat to wait for the visitation. That’s when we saw a familiar face. Right there on the wall of the detention facility was a portrait of one of Utah’s most prominent progressives: Jane Marquardt. Marquardt is well known for, as her website states, serving “on many community boards in the areas of education, legal services delivery, and civil rights,” and for being “a voice for the LGBTQ movement in Utah.” But Marquardt is also the vice chair of Management and Training Corporation, a for-profit prison company that operates 22 “correctional facilities” throughout the United States, including the Imperial Regional Detention Facility where Pedro was being held. Her brother, Bob Marquardt, is the president and CEO of MTC and serves on the boards of the Utah System of Higher Education and Rowland Hall. Though my partner and I were amazed and a little disturbed to see her smiling face in such a horrific setting, there was no time to process the irony before the visit began. We saw a teenager walking hesitantly towards us with a shy smile. We sat
with Pedro and discussed his boyfriend, family and legal case. He told us he was very depressed, but trying to keep hope. Hope that he would get out and be with his love, that he would not be sent back to the homophobic violence and gangs in Honduras.
When a dozen protesters occupied MTC’s offices in Centerville, Utah a year ago, the company responded with a statement saying, “Our hearts go out to anyone separated from their family,” and, “that the detainees are treated with great care, respect and dignity.”
Before we left we were able to give Pedro a hug. He hadn’t hugged anyone in a long time, and we all came away from the embrace in tears. It broke our hearts to leave this boy, whose only crime was wanting to live, in a prison where he wouldn’t have access to a lawyer, free phone calls or visitation from loved ones. We didn’t know it then, but we wouldn’t see Pedro again. He was deported just a few weeks later. It was clear to us, as it should be clear to anyone reading the news these days, that these detention facilities are cruel, unnecessary and dangerous. Anyone should be ashamed to be associated with them. But the Marquardts are not. When my partner and I were leaving the MTC facility we noticed an Orwellian sign near Jane Marquardt’s portrait that reminded employees to wear their “BIONIC” pins. BIONIC stands for “Believe It Or Not I Care.” This superficial “I care” is the standard defense that the Marquardts and MTC give when asked how they can stomach making their fortunes imprisoning migrants, many of whom have not even been charged with a crime.
What exactly is the definition of “respect and dignity” when boys who’ve fled discrimination and violence are sitting in cages, isolated from loved ones and essential resources? How can Jane Marquardt be a “a voice for the LGBTQ movement in Utah” when gay and transgender detainees at the MTC-run Otero County Processing Center in New Mexico face what lawyers called “rampant sexual harassment, discrimination and abuse”? MTC is a Utah company. Jane and Bob Marquardt are prominent members of our community. As so many of us see the atrocities occurring on the border and ask ourselves, “what can I do,” here we have an answer: We can make it clear that MTC and the Marquardts’ prison-for-profit schemes are not our values. Institutions should refuse these actors’ charitable donations, remove them from their boards and put all possible pressure on them to change their business model to one that does not profit off the suffering of human beings. Q You can learn more and sign a petition at shutdownmtc.org.
16 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | PETS
Qsaltlake.com |
Our Annual Pet Issue
Each year we ask our readers to send us their favorite photo of them and their pets and give us a few words about them. Here is 2019:
Dudley and Rupert Max (Dashound) & Dolly Barkon (JackChi ) When I met Glen, he had Max and I had Dolly. She wasn’t too sure about having another animal around the house, but soon we found them cuddling. They love to play together and lay in the grass outside. We Love Dolly and Max! ROBERT MOODY & GLEN HOEN
Meet Dudley (age 10) and Rupert (age 12), Aussie Dogs from Melbourne, Australia that love Salt Lake City and its dog-friendly walks, restaurants, shops, and people. They grew up on the beach, but are enjoying Utah’s snow and mountains after moving here 3.5 years ago with their dads, Rob and Brad. They are tennis-ball-obsessed and are a constant source of happiness, love, and laughter. It is these two fun-loving Doodles that make our house a home. ROB MOOLMAN AND BRAD MARTIN
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
Odie In the truck, Odie is a great protector. He alerts me when people are close and has a fit when people are right next to the truck outside. He’s better than an alarm system, lol. He’s a lover of people he knows, and he loves sitting and looking out the front and side windows at cows, horses, and other animals, and barks at them sometimes, saying, “Hey! Look at me!” How it came to be: Odie was a throwaway, put in a box and thrown in a lake in Portland Oregon. A friend of mine found him crying and called me to see if I wanted another trucking dog after mine died of old age. Two months later, after she nursed him back to health, I picked him up. He’s the joy of my life, and we’re inseparable now. SUE I. DRECHSEL
River My dog River is a Husky and Border Collie mix. The first time I saw her, I knew was my dog. You can’t help but love those light blue eyes and her goofy smile. River
JULY 18, 2019 |
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loves to put herself to sleep by suckling on her blanket and kneading it with her paws like a cat. She’s the best sidekick ever. CATHY CASH
your family but junior is my soul, protector, best friend, and therapist. He has seen me through success, addiction, sickness, failure, breakups, anger, sadness and joy. He never once judged me, but always let me know when I was on the wrong path and make sure I got back to the right. I love this boy! JUSTIN SORENSON
Kubo A good dog, Kubo. Fearless until a firecracker goes off outside and then he can’t hide under the couch fast enough. He’s in the window watching when I pull into the drive. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been gone, when I walk through the door, he’s excited to see me. At bedtime, he collects all of his toys in a little nest, I mean who likes to sleep alone? SCOTT HARWELL AND TONY SHIRLEY
Jack This is me and my granddog, Jack. He
is a rescue and emotional support friend for my daughter. He chooses to snuggle up under the covers and sleep with me at night and is so attention-hungry that if I’m on my phone when he’s around, he will knock it out of my hand and demand that my attention is focused on him. He has my whole heart.
ANN CLARK
Junior This is my dog, my son Junior.
12 years ago I asked for a little white wolf and I found him. People say that dogs are
Comet
I was surprised with Comet for Valentine’s Day a few years ago. I came home to a tiny ball of fluff standing there waiting for me! My husband won Valentine’s for sure! He got Comet from a local family who bought him for their little girl who was fighting cancer. They thought it would help her, but it was too much for them. We kept the name she picked and we emailed her pictures a few times as Comet got older. He is a crazy and needy boy, but we love him to pieces! NICKOLE HOGAN
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18 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | PETS
Carol Channing Well, Hello Dolly!!! We raised Carol Channing from a chick. This involved months of raising her in our home office. When away from home, we streamed her to our office computers. From an early age, she showed her uniqueness by leading the other chickens in the coop through her examples of kindness and curiosity. She is also the most talkative of all the chickens. Whether during our early morning visits to the coop or evening visits when we watch our chickens roost, Carol is always engaging us with melodic clucks. DARRIN BROOKS, STEVEN CAMICIA
Qsaltlake.com |
dog in their family out of their three rescue pups. His little nose and paws get cold, so at all times he insists on wrapping his face in a blanket or tucking his paws in your arm folds, thighs, or side. Sometimes we can’t find Biggie, so we yell his name only to see a small head perk up out of a pile of blankets. In this photo, we all look so serious, but we were just watching a squirrel play in the front yard of our little bungalow. JEN AND CJ
Ramses the Pupper I’d like to introduce you to my good friend, Ramses the Pupper. Rami to those closest to him. He sometimes answers to Ram,
To dog, or not to dog — that is the question. BY BROCK KANNAN
Pets.
Where to start? If you are like me, then you are a dog person who has an appreciation for cats, but would never let one in your home. No offense, but for some reason, I never found the bond with a cat that I did with a dog. Perhaps my southern upbringing instilled a sense of canine nostalgia which to this day has never escaped me. To this day, the story of a good dog can make me tear up. But I digress. For those dog lovers out there, I want to tackle the age ole question: “should you adopt or purchase your new pooch?” Adding a new companion to your life is both exciting and extremely challenging. It’s not something you should take lightly. Your new friend will be with you for a while, so there are a lot of decisions to make before choosing a new dog. To make this decision, you need to consider your current lifestyle. Being impulsive with this is irresponsible and will lead to unhappiness for you and the dog. Adopting and buying a dog are two completely different things. There are benefits to both, so the best choice for you ultimately
Rambo, and Rama-lama. Or Babies. Rami is an 11-month-old mixed breed of Jack Russell, Shih-Tzu, Bichon, and Pomeranian. He enjoys wagging his tail constantly, playing with dryer sheets, tissues, and slippers, cuddling with his “Mom” (me), and sleeping under the covers. Rami does NOT like unfamiliar dogs, unfamiliar people, alarm clocks, or thunderstorms. This crazy pup has absolutely won my heart, and I can’t imagine my life without him! KIRSTEN B. CARON, AKA VICTORY RED
Chico Chicho (left) was brought home
Biggie When Jen was out of town for business, CJ found Biggie and fell in love. She rescued him, and with a bouquet in hand and their new family member, greeted Jen at the airport. Biggie happens to be the smallest
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
depends on what you’re looking for. To help you make an informed decision, let’s break down each option. When you choose to adopt, you’re doing a great thing. Many dogs end up in shelters or get rescued from harsh conditions. But this doesn’t mean they don’t deserve a second chance. The first consideration is price. Adopting a dog is significantly cheaper than purchasing one. The prices range depending on where you are adopting from and if money has been spent on vet services or grooming — but the cost is a definite consideration. When adopting, you have the option of choosing a dog of any age. This is a chance to consider your lifestyle and find an age that suits your day-to-day routine. When adopting, you can find a dog that’s already trained. This way, other than your new buddy learning your name, they’re already keen on simple commands and housebroken. Now let’s move to some of the ins and outs of buying. You should never buy from pet stores. You need to find a respected breeder that cares about their dogs and the owners
as a surprise for my fiancé, Jandy. Let’s just say that a chihuahua wasn’t the surprise she was expecting, but he’s turned out to be one of the best dogs ever. Bella (right) is my childhood pet and after a last minute decision, we drove her from Southern Calif. to Utah one holiday weekend. This photo was taken at her 10th birthday pawty. These two pups have become the best of friends, even though Chicho is still salty that Bella had a party. JANDY S. & ANDY R they sell to. If you’re only interested in particular breeds, buying is probably your best bet. Breeders supply purebred dogs, so you know exactly what you’re getting. An advantage here is that you’ll have a good idea of how big the dog will be as an adult. They’ll be no surprises. When buying a dog, you’re starting from scratch. If you want to have total control over the way your dog is trained from the beginning, buying a puppy is the way to go. You’ll be the most familiar person to them, and likely your most loyal companion. When you adopt a dog, things can be a bit unpredictable. You have some control, but you’re still taking charge of a dog with a past. This isn’t the case with buying. You know exactly what to expect if you do your research and work with a good breeder. The health of the puppy will have been checked, so you know you’re getting a strong dog. Now that you know the difference between buying and adopting, you probably have an idea of which is right for you. The most important thing is to take your time. Then, enjoy years of companionship. And if you have a good story about man’s best friend, feel free to send it along my way. Q
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Is My Pet Gay? If you’ve ever had a pet, you may have wondered if your dog or cat can be gay. You may have seen your dog mount another pup at the dog park — or watched as your cat seemed only to groom her female litter mates while ignoring her brothers. Since house pets don’t often couple up with a significant other, these questions may just be speculation. However, when you look at the animal kingdom as a whole, especially those critters who are free to roam around without the confines of a human home, the idea of dogs and cats exhibiting homosexual behavior is something that deserves closer attention.
STUDYING SAME-SEX BEHAVIOR IN ANIMALS Same-sex behavior has long been noted in animals of many different species. In 2014, the BBC reported on a pair of male Humboldt penguins who raise orphaned eggs together at a zoo in Kent, England. You may have even noticed your own pet cuddling up to a same-sex pal. But before we can determine whether pets can be gay, we first need to set the baseline for what is considered “gay” in
the animal kingdom. Gay human beings are defined as being sexually attracted to people of the same sex. However, human sexual orientation is famously varied and fluid, and scientists who study the sexual activity of animals urge us not to compare our behavior to our pets’ for a variety of reasons.
CAN SEXUAL BEHAVIOR BE MISINTERPRETED? Can dogs be gay? Can cats be gay? Here’s another reason why it’s tough to find the answer to these questions: for animals, what’s presumed to be a mating behavior may be misinterpreted. For example, both male and female dogs will mount other dogs. While it is possible that some pets do this because they want to engage in sexual activities, there are many other reasons they may be performing that behavior. The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals suggests that mounting is less about sex and more about playing, releasing stress or showing dominance. Also, don’t forget that dogs will often mount humans and furniture as well. PetHelpful notes that male cats (even neutered ones) may also mount their pet parents and other household kitties to
show who’s boss. Neutering or spaying your pet will often help prevent mounting and other aggressive behaviors. Cats are also known for their grooming skills, and will often lick and sleep cuddled up to other cats. What may seem like sexual behavior to humans may very well be a part of social grooming.
THE JURY IS STILL OUT While there’s been much speculation, there’s no scientific evidence of various animals, especially house pets, being gay or not. “Whether there’s any kind of same-sex sexual preference going on, that’s left entirely to the imagination in the sense that the data just [doesn’t] exist to demonstrate one way or the other,” said Paul Vasey from the University of Lethbridge to the Washington Post. He continues to say that being exclusively gay is “exceptionally rare” in the animal kingdom. So, if you’re curious if your dog or cat is gay, know that there is currently no evidence to support this notion at least in terms that humans are used to defining homosexuality.
MEASURING PUPPY LOVE Scientists often study two things when trying to determine whether animals can be
gay: exclusivity and longevity. Exclusivity considers whether these animals are participating in sexual relations only with members of the same sex. A study in the Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology journal found that about 8 percent of rams appear to mate exclusively with other males, but domesticated sheep seem to be the only non-human mammal with deliberate same-sex mating behaviors. Other animals, such as Japanese macaques, bottlenose dolphins and bonobos (one of our closest primate relatives), mate and cuddle with partners of both genders, notes the BBC — exhibiting more fluid behavior that is closer to what we would call bisexuality. Next, scientists consider longevity when studying samesex behavior in animals. Female albatrosses, for example, often form lifelong partnerships with other females. But dogs and cats don’t tend to engage in any sexual behaviors for long periods of time. Unspayed cats will go into heat several times a year and may attempt to be mounted, rubbed, or licked by another cat, regardless of sex. Because cats and dogs also do not have longterm mates like humans, longevity is often quite difficult to measure. Q
paws on the patio approved! bring your doggies & have a fresh juice cocktail fri 11am-11pm, sat 10am-11pm, sun brunch 10am-3pm | 275 s 200 w salt lake city | zestslc.com
20 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | A&E
Qsaltlake.com |
CONCERTS
Tony’s Gay Agenda BY TONY HOBDAY
Everything from Angels to Zen
The Broadway, film, and television diva KRISTIN CHENOWETH (Wicked, Glee) takes the stage in August with the Utah Symphony, sharing her dazzling soprano and enchanting style. Opera-trained, Chenoweth draws from her extensive Broadway repertoire, and occasional country-tinged songs — and virtually any genre in between. She sings brightly. She dances with grace and she definitely mesmerizes. All of that, and she will be doing all of it with the brilliant Utah Symphony ensemble conducted by MARY CAMPBELL. Bam, Bam! Then a whole excruciating week later, the Utah Symphony returns to the majestic hills of Park City, this time along with the majestic INDIGO GIRLS. And CONNOR GRAY COVINGTON conducts. Need I say more? No, because I’m tired and late for this to go to press. A fundraiser concert for Ogden Pride this year features Los Angeles alt-rockers LIFEHOUSE, with sexy frontman JASON WADE. Since bursting on to the scene in 2000 (I burst, too, when I first saw them live in concert, just sayin’) with their hit debut, No Name Face — which sported the chart-topping Modern Rock-turned Hot 100 #2 hit, “Hanging by a Moment” – Lifehouse has released seven albums that have cumulatively sold more than 15 million around the world, spawning a string of multi-format airplay hits like “You and Me”, “First Time”, “Whatever It Takes” and “Halfway Gone”. The event includes a Homecoming Dance following the Soirée, Hors-d’oeuvres, Wine Bar, Silent Auction, and Keynote Speaker: SUE ROBBINS. SATURDAY — KRISTIN CHENOWETH AND THE UTAH SYMPHONY
3
Snow Park Outdoor Amphitheater, 2250 Deer Valley Drive S., Park City, 7:30 p.m. Tickets $60, artsaltlake.org
10
SATURDAY — THE INDIGO GIRLS AND THE UTAH SYMPHONY
Snow Park Outdoor Amphitheater, 2250 Deer Valley Drive S., Park City, 7:30 p.m. Tickets $50-105, artsaltlake. org
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FRIDAY — LIFEHOUSE
12896 S Pony Express Rd Suite 200 in Draper (just north of IKEA) 801.333.3777 www.ilovelotus.com
LotusStore
Monarch Event Space at Cherry Peak Resort, 455 25th St., Ogden, 6 p.m. Tickets $25-90, smithstix.com
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
FESTIVALS
The 50th annual award-winning Park City Kimball Arts Festival, presented by Intermountain Park City Hospital, returns historic Main Street in Park City, Utah. This year’s Festival features over 225 juror-selected artists, live music, gourmet food, and creative experiences for the whole family. FRIDAY — KIMBALL ARTS FESTIVAL
2
Historic Main Street, Park City, times vary, through Sunday. Ticket & Pass prices vary, ParkCityKimballArtsFestival.org
FUN
“Ignite Your Dandy Spirit of Adventure. Illuminate Your Inner Child. Revel in Your Uniqueness.” That is the Facebook tagline for the FLAMING MAN group. As such, they are throwing a Daddies & Dudes Hump Day Hangout party July 31 at the Tinwell bar in downtown SLC. I mean daddies, dudes, and hump... how could this party go wrong? The annual Q DAY AT LAGOON, which draws thousands of red-shirted lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgender, and other queer thrill-seekers to Farmington (not sure if Farmington is recognized in Grindr, so good luck), happens Sunday, August 4. Fuckers, you better wear red even if it makes you look hungover! WEDNESDAY — DADDIES & DUDES HUMP DAY HANGOUT
31 31
Tinwell, 837 S. Main St., 7-11 p.m. Visit Flaming Man on facebook
WEDNESDAY — QSALTLAKE LAGOON DAY
Lagoon Amusement Park, 375 N. Lagoon Park Dr., Farmington, 11 a.m.-1o p.m. Discount tickets available at Club Try-Angles, Cahoots, Off Trax Cafe, Spark, and Sun-Trapp; plus in Ogden, No Frills Cafe, and Kaffe Mercantile
THEATRE
The BOOK OF MORMON, the nine-time Tony Award-winning Best Musical, returns to the Utah stage. This outrageous musical comedy follows the misadventures of a mismatched pair of missionaries, sent halfway across the world to spread the good word, which is “save a horse, ride an elder!” Thank you, Saturday’s Voyeur! TUESDAY — THE BOOK OF MORMON
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Delta Performance Hall, Eccles Theater, 131 S. Main St., times vary, through Aug. 25. Tickets $35-125, artsaltlake.org
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‘Saturday’s Voyeur’ is having a ‘Pop-In’ 41st year BY TONY HOBDAY
Thanks
to the plethora of sometimes inane (OK, mostly) markers added to Utah’s culture1 and politics over the last year, playwrights Allen Nevins and Nancy Borgenicht have scribed a truly delightful Saturday’s Voyeur. And thanks in large part to the brilliance of the entire cast, and direction by Cynthia Fleming, Voyeur 2019 should go down as one of Salt Lake Acting Company’s best productions. In a press release, Fleming said about this production of Voyeur, “Our intention at SLAC [this season] was to present works that entertain, inspire, and hopefully begin to help heal the cultural divide in our nation — or at least explore the realities of what it’s like to live in such a divided country. This year’s production of Voyeur is — surprisingly — an irreverent companion piece to The Cake, in that we hold a magnifying glass over extreme thinking on both sides of the aisle, in hopes to point out the ridiculousness of remaining a polarized culture.” She then added, “As a theatre company, we’re once again trying to remind our audiences that at the end of the day, no matter what our viewpoints are, we’re all in this together.” And as a theatre company,
I feel like once again they achieved this feat, noted to a roaring crowd at curtain closing. As in years past, Voyeur 2019 features a few return characters (exaggerated inflections of Utah’s finest targets) including Mitt Romney (Mitt Rominey), Joseph Smith, and Gayle Ruzicka (Gayle Godzicka); as well as certain leaders of the free world — or more so, the not-so-free world — that need not an introduction here. And a new character this year is Mary Pop-In, an Angel Moroni of sorts, who is hilariously portrayed by 10year veteran Voyeur, Annette Wright. On this note, other well-known return actors include Robert Scott Smith, Justin Ivie, and Dan Larrinaga — all of whom were brilliant, but I want to shine a light on Smith and Larrinaga who played multiple roles with amazing intricacy. I mean having several costume changes throughout with missing a beat is ... well, a grand feat. The “newbies in the house” also were absolutely fantastic — Daisy Allred, Fiona Hannan, Bradley Hatch, Aalliyah Ann, Jacob Weitlauf, Madi Cooper, Julie Silvestro Waite, and Matthew Tripp. If you’re a Voyeur virgin, this 40-plus year old production is a musical. Each year, original songs really make the show. And this year, was no diffierent. I found myself bucking in my seat to “Ride an Elder”, and if anyone could actually find “50 Ways to Name Your Gender”, it is Nancy Borgenicht. Q Saturday’s Voyeur continues through Sep. 1, 2019, at Salt Lake Acting Company, 168 W. 500 North, Salt Lake City. Tickets available at saltlakeactingcompany.org.
First Wednesdays at 7pm at the Utah Pride Center 1380 S Main St Info at bit.ly/UGHS_Lecture Read ‘This Day in Gay Utah History’ at benwilliamsblogger.blogspot.com
salt lake day at
lagoon sunday, aug 4
Discount coupons available
at Club Try-Angles, Cahoots, Spark in Salt Lake Ogden: No Frills Diner and Kaffe Mercantile
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Picnic with us all day & group photo at 4pm at the CANYON PAVILION Near JetStarII Facebook event at bit.ly/qlagoon19
22 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | Q&A
Qsaltlake.com |
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
Justin Utley bares his ‘Scars’ in ‘Survivors’ BY ASHLEY HOYLE
The last time Utah’s
own Justin Utley sat down with QSaltLake Magazine was in 2011 and much was different. We check back in with him after eight years to discuss all the music, loss, and growth he’s found in that time. As he prepares to release his newest album, Scars, and its anthem, Survivors, we hear about his inspiration and the hardships that he spun into the resilience of this deeply moving album. Justin began the interview having just hopped off the phone with his collaborators, who had decided to swap out the last song on the album. The electricity in his voice was unmistakable, “It’s such a crazy time right now. It’s fun though; I wouldn’t do it if it weren’t.” Scars is Utley’s fourth studio album and comes off the back of Nothing This Real in 2010, Runaway from 2005, and his first, Simplicity, from 1996. In the throes of creating and touring Runaway, Justin was inspired to leave Utah and head to musical mecca New York City. “In uprooting my life, it was about risk and with that comes the consequences and a lot of things happened that were, all in all, for the better,” said Utley of his time out East. It proved creatively fruitful as Nothing This Real earned him an OutMusic award and a slot performing at Utah Pride. On the success of his last album, Justin says that it “helped really validate what I was hoping to bring to the table musically — it wasn’t something just I enjoyed anymore. That album helped me see that the songs that I was writing had real impacts. As an artist, it has been really important.” The record continued to prove engaging to audiences as it brought Justin on an international tour, mostly in the United Kingdom and Ireland. “I don’t know; sometimes an artist makes a really cool splash somewhere inexplicable — it works for me,” Justin laughed. “I don’t mind going there.” The sweeping success of the album brought him all around the world and landed him surprisingly back in his home state of Utah. As he puts it, “I got to a point in my career in New York that I didn’t have to live there to do what I was doing. All I really needed then was an airport.” Non-musically, his return home was not at all glamorous — he went through a divorce and
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suffered several family deaths. “Needless to say, it has been the best of times and the worst of times. I’ve had my really high highs and really low lows,” Utley says. “I remember a review that a magazine did of my album in 2011, it talked about how I set this silver lining in all my songs and that it would be ‘interesting to hear what Justin has to bring to the table after some nonsilver lining moments,’ which was foreshadowing actually.” Two weeks after receiving an unsuspected call from his aunt impressing her solidarity with him and her loyalty for posterity, Justin lost her to suicide. With no time to come up for air, a drunk driving accident claimed his stepbrother. A new sense of maturity overcame him after these trials back home — shedding what he describes as this “euphoric naïveté” riding the waves of his hit album. “It was these harsh realities that I had to face after having such a good experience. I had to roll up my sleeves like ‘no more mister nice guy.’ I knew I had to get more involved in these discussions and help to get conversion therapy back on the radar to end that practice. I actually fought my own demons by dealing with this stuff.” Justin spoke faster and louder and laughed for a moment about his own intensity, joking, “I mean I haven’t cut my ear off yet like Van Gogh.” This silly thought led him to a recollection of an experience he had in Paris after a gig in Dublin shortly after his divorce. In a Van Gogh exhibit, he had what he describes as “one of those art moments that I usually roll my eyes at where people just stare at a painting, and I find myself asking is it really that interesting?!” Staring into the eyes of one of Van Gogh’s portraits, Utley spent about an hour wholly captivated and lost in thought. While enraptured, he says he was wondering, “How was he when he painted this? It’s not as rough looking as the others, so was he having a good experience at that time? All those questions again that we will never really get to know. It hit me
“Everyone is deserving of a friend and of love, because the fact that we exist is, alone, a gift. It’s precious.” that we spend so much time to try to cover up what was painful, but in actuality, the pain is what makes it more beautiful. That’s what is the anthem of the album.” These challenges were what brought Justin into his completely new musical energy, productivity, and sound. After weathering such profound moments of darkness and struggling with mental health, the singer-songwriter had a realization, “People don’t talk about that … this album is about those moments in life that are scarring and those moments that define us as who we are. As a culture, we spend a lot of time trying to hide them, but in reality, our scars are what make us beautiful and unique. It’s an act of courage to live with what we have to, especially today.” It was with this rigorous focus on perseverance and healing that Justin met someone who inspired the title of his album and deepens his commitment to blending activism and art. He was asked to do a panel at Sundance Film Festival on mental health and suicide, topics which Justin knows very personally. “I talked about the conversion therapy suicide parallel I had attempted actually during that time that I went through it,” he shared. One of Justin’s fellow panelists was a trans woman and veteran who discussed what it meant to her to be recognized as trans in public. “She is fully aware that her appearance is not passing and she doesn’t mind it because it gives parents the opportunity to approach her and ask, ‘Hey I have someone in my family who is trans or who has gender identity issues — how can I help them?’ Where, if she was passing, they wouldn’t know to ask,” Utley recalls, “‘It’s a blessing in disguise,’ she said.” After they spoke, Justin approached the woman to share how powerful he’d found her words to be, and they got into
a conversation about the meaning of her tattoos. “She turned over her wrist and it said ‘survivor’ and it gave me chills,” Justin said, “I asked her what it was about and she said she got the tattoo to cover the scars from where her father beat her.” That moment fundamentally changed the trajectory of his single, which at first was recorded in New York in the style of the Foo Fighters. “It was such a fun song I didn’t mind that the lyrics got lost, but after I met her, I called my producer and said, we just have to rework this, it can’t be swallowed by guitars. It became the anthem.” Survivors was written in collaboration with two Swedish songwriters, Linda & Ylva, originally composed for a Eurovision submission in 2017 and then retooled by Utley and performed by the University of Utah Chamber Orchestra. It is also his rallying cry against conversion therapy, a practice alive and well in Utah and deeply painful for so many members of the LGBTQ community. “So much goes unsaid and hidden, and it needs to get out there,” he says about starting the dialogue with this song, “When I got back to Utah I met up with some of the guys I went to group therapy with. I was excited to hopefully see that some of them had moved on into healthy relationships and when I actually saw them again, it was like time hadn’t moved — totally stopped. Everyone was still in that same space of the shame and the hiding, and it was really hard to see.” Originally they had planned only to release a pop version, but his producer insisted on getting an orchestral arrangement together after hearing Justin warming up and playing a rendition of the hit on the piano. What he initially thought would be an extra track became a second version he wants to release alongside the other, as well as the score for the single’s music video. Shot in the stunning art deco auditorium at Ogden High School, the video follows a little girl running from torment
24 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | Q&A
to sit and imagine the ballad being performed for her alone in the audience. The star of the piece is Utley’s niece, who did a formal audition for the role. Family is important to the performer, so he was thrilled to work with her on such a personal piece. “I didn’t want the video to be about just me at a piano. I wanted some sort of conveyance of meaning from the song to make it into the video,” said Utley. “My niece has been raised in an environment where I told her to think of a time you were bullied, and she couldn’t think of one. She said, ‘I don’t let people bully me,’ and I just thought, wow. If every parent could empower their kid like that.” When asked what he hoped young people like his niece would learn from his music. Justin answered, “That everyone is deserving of a friend and of love, because the fact that we exist is, alone, a gift. It’s precious. To lose people in our lives so quickly for reasons unknown makes life that much shorter. When I see her, I see a strength in a kid that I’ve never seen before, and it gives me a lot of hope. I hope that she is part of a generation that is part of bringing people together, rather than keeping them in silos. Working together is how we can get things done, and she gives me that hope — she doesn’t care who someone is, she’ll be their friend.” It is precisely that coming together and building community that Utley thinks is the solution to the issue of conversion therapy in Utah. Made hopeful by the grassroots work happening in local municipalities, Utley says, “I’ve been meeting with members of different city councils and trying to bridge the gap. Some of them believe that it does work and they’ve heard people giving their experiences. I offer them a perspective that isn’t with a lawyer in the room where they would feel there’s something present that is threatening to them.” Having personal conversations with care at the root of his words is his unique and generous approach to these tough talks. “That is the conversation that is not happening in the legislature. It’s all, ‘You’re a liar, ‘You’re horrible,’ and on an on. Let’s meet in the middle and just say this is that person’s experience. Talking
Qsaltlake.com |
like this helps move the needle of understanding back to the middle. I believe that’s the way it will come across in the state when it finally gets banned. It will be from a place of understanding.” His activism is inseparable from his music. He describes his enduring passion by saying, “I’m not willing to compromise on getting the most happiness out of life and doing what I can to leave the world a better place — musically and personally.” After so many years of writing and performing, the impact has become the most valuable return in his career. “I have always kind of felt compelled in a song to make it about something. I am a very passionate person, and I feel very, very lucky … that I’ve had the support that I have had when I had it. I know that is not the case, unfortunately, for a lot of LGBTQ youth and members of the trans community. There is so far to go in understanding and taking care of that part of our community. Writing a song about the next party, or whatever, is for someone else to write, not me. I need to take what I have to say and put it in a form that will touch people or motivate them to do something about it, or grieve or whatever it is for them. I want to have an impact.” The conceptual and emotional undercurrents of the album come out not just in the lyrics, but also in the sound. It has heart and brine and a heavy dose of energy behind each track. Utley says he unlocked this new sound by taking a leap of faith, “This album is a departure from anything I’ve done before; it’s kind of a gritty uptempo, anthem-y pop. I have been going with this safe classical rock, Indigo Girls kind of sound, and I wanted to do
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
something different, but I just couldn’t figure it out.” With the help of his producer, also a Utah native, he worked to put his finger on his next musical chapter, but that road wasn’t easy either. “I was scared of it turning it into a meaningless pop-y manufactured mess,” he said. “The first song we worked on was Survivors, and it turned out beautifully, and I asked him to work on the rest of the album.” Utley’s request was met with an immediate “yes.” With the help of his producer and his passion, Utley has achieved a wide spread of new territory staked out for Scars. “You will hear some P!nk or Kelly Clarkson, like ‘fuck you’ tracks, and then Nine Inch Nails sounds,” said Utley describing his own variety. “It’s a new cool sandbox I get to play in. I’m going everywhere in it.” When pressed on what that is going to mean for him next, he shared that now he feels like it can be whatever he wants. Justin will be performing at Metro Music Hall this fall to execute his Utah release. His parting words to QSaltLake readers were, “I get to do things like this interview, and it feels validating in the sense that I have put myself out there and I have tried to make a difference, and I see myself making some headway.” Q
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People who love their jobs do these 8 things — do you? BY MIKEY ROX
So many
of us go to work, do what we’re paid to do, punch out, and go home. But are we happy? Take a look at these eight things content employees do, and see how you measure up.
1. Go the extra mile without being asked People who love their jobs don’t have to be asked to do something — for several reasons. One is that their overall sense of satisfaction makes them more efficient; they breeze through tasks because they don’t view them as chores. They appreci-ate that what they put off today will have to be done tomorrow, and that will throw everything off. They also recognize that good things come to good employees who go above and beyond. Some might call those kind of people suck-ups, but eventual-ly you’ll be calling them boss.
2. Put in extra hours to get things done on time I know plenty of people who, as soon as that clock strikes 5, bolt for the parking lot. That doesn’t help their coworkers (who are still in the office working) view them favorably (especially if they’re stuck picking up the slack), and it’s certainly not helping their chances of getting a raise or promotion anytime soon. Yet, you can be the kind of employee who puts in the extra time to get things done correctly — and by deadline — and still manage to enjoy a decent work/life balance. These two con-cepts aren’t mutually exclusive. Perhaps better time-management skills are neces-sary, and you’d be keen to improve them if you want to advance in your career.
3. Encourage and recognize the work of others You know the old saying “There’s no ‘I’ in team,” and that’s important to remember when whatever you’re doing is a group effort. Encouragement and praise helps keep everybody motivated — and if you’re in charge of a project, that’s part
of your job. Furthermore, if this culture doesn’t currently exist at your job, create it. Let people know that you appreciate them and all the hard work they do. When people feel like they’re being positively recognized for their efforts, it’ll show. Co-workers will be happier, tasks will run smoother, and going to work in the morning won’t be such a drag.
4. Share credit for the work they do themselves People who love their jobs realize that it takes a village to keep all the parts moving and that nothing is the result of a single person. Even when you’re working alone on a project, there are bound to be at least a few people who helped along the way — a secretary, assistant, HR, co-worker, or intern. It’s important to share credit for a particular success if there were helping hands involved, however insignificant. Say thanks when the time comes to solidify your status as a team player.
5. Speak positively about their job outside the office People who love their jobs never badmouth it — or any aspect of it (coworkers, boss, etc.) — and instead find positive solutions to conflicts that arise. When they’re in corporate company, they sing the praises of their work environment because they genuinely enjoy it. Outside of work, they talk to their friends, families and strangers about the work they’re doing and even say that they “love” their jobs. They become great brand ambassadors for your company. Also, reading articles and books relevant to their position, or attending industry events and seminars aren’t chores, but areas of en-joyment and learning.
6. Steer co-workers toward a path of success If you’re successful at what you do, you should want other people to be successful too; there’s room for everybody at the party. People who love their jobs are
eager to help their co-workers get a leg up by mentoring them, offering assistance if they have time, helping them catch up after a few days out of the office, checking in oc-casionally to make sure everything is on track personally and professionally, and speaking positively about them to superiors. They understand that when the team as a whole is successful, so are the individual players — not the other way around.
7. Learn new skills to enhance their performance When I worked in a corporate office, I seized any chance I could to learn new skills that would enhance my on-thejob performance. It’s a good practice to adopt for two reasons: First is that you’ll learn something new that will make you better at what you do. Secondly, your superiors will take notice of your initiative. Proactively seeking to advance the company’s cause through your own continued education sends a message that you care about your company’s progress and growth, and that you want to be a catalyst for that by using the best resources available to you — yourself.
8. Exhibit passion to inspire others to perform better People who love their jobs are passionate about their jobs. They come to work with a great attitude that inspires others around them. When people are passionate about their jobs, it shows in the quality of their work. Outside of work, they still embody their work culture because it aligns with their own. When people are pas-sionate and content with their professional life, it flows into their personal life as well. You owe it to yourself and your co-workers to be 100 percent vested in a pos-itive company culture in order to facilitate the best working environment you can. Q Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He spends his time writing from the beach with his dog Jaxon. Connect with Mikey on Instagram @mikeyrox
26 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | SEX
Qsaltlake.com |
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
sex and salt lake city
5 points of hooking up etiquette BY DR. LAURIE BENNETT-COOK
Most
everyone has heard or used some form of the term “hooking-up.” No Strings Attached. One Night Stand. Messing Around. Bumping Uglies. Hanging Out. Sleeping Together. Tap That. Fraternize. HobNob. Liaison. Knocking Boots. Fuck Buddy. Bump and Grind. Doin the Nerdy Dirty. Ms or Mr Right Now. Mak’n It. Shag Buddy. Sexquaintances. If one were to look up “Slang for Hook-Up” on UrbanThesaurus.org, you’ll find a total of 1,264 synonyms for the term. That’s a whole lot of words to name something so many struggle with. So why is it we, as a culture, struggle with hooking-up? Why is it, if there really are no strings attached, so many people are hurt along the way? I believe it’s because somewhere along the journey of people being able to shamelessly claim slutiness, and the
right to no strings attached sexual interactions, it was forgotten at the other end of sexual pleasure is another real live person - complete with feelings, opinions and desires of what they also would like to walk away from the experience with. Too often the act of a hook-up is gone into without much thought of consequences. When in fact there are consequences in everything we do and in every interaction we have with another person. Whether we intend to or not, our actions leave an impact, especially when our actions involve a level of intimacy. Too often the terms casual sex and meaningless sex are used interchangeably - when really the two couldn’t be more different. A casual encounter can be very meaningful; and a meaningful encounter can be done quite casually. So how does one hook-up in an ethical way?
Be honest about your intentions upfront It’s better to walk away from a potential hook-up wishing you had said yes, than regretting you had said yes. Ask yourself — Is this something you really want to experience? With this person or people? If it’s a Hell Yes … then go for it! Consider your intentions — such as this is just for tonight (or) I’d really like to see where this would go (or) I’m hoping, desiring, wanting more than just tonight. These are all things wisely shared beforehand and can negate any potential misunderstandings after the bumping and grinding is done.
Communicate like grownups It can be hard enough to know what a long term partner is thinking, let alone someone we just met and want to get naked with. So, with the assumption that the person before you can’t read your mind, talk about your wants, needs, intentions, likes, dislikes, boundaries, STI status, safer sex preferences, relationship status upfront. This doesn’t have to be a lengthy conversation or break the sexy mood. But think about this: It would be far less sexy to find out any of your hard limits or boundaries were crossed After The Fact!
Be respectful The person (or people) that you’re looking to play with are just that - actual people. With real feelings, insecurities, fantasies and fears. Most of us are hopeful any potential partner will find us just as sexy when the clothes come off as they do when we’re
fully clothed and flirty. The fear of rejection once a person reveals their full physical vulnerability is incredibly strong. If someone trusts you enough to be vulnerable before you, be kind.
Be honest with yourself The truth is, not everyone is cut out for casual sex. Sometimes social pressure is enough for someone to believe if they’re not casually hooking-up with others then maybe they’re not normal. This isn’t the case — ever. Some find great pleasure in hooking-up with several different people throughout their lifetimes and others find great pleasure in being highly selective in only choosing a few, or maybe even just one partner over their lifetime. The only form of hooking-up that is wrong (aside from any hook-up that is void of consent by any party) … is the one that doesn’t work for you. You get to decide what feels right for you — not anybody else.
Have Fun Now that you’ve selected a partner or partners, you’ve set your intentions, and you’re in agreement about the sexy time ahead — Have Fun! Regardless of the stigmas and social cues that are fed to us at every turn, Do Not buy into them. You are a grownup doing consensual grownup things and the only thing that you, and any partner(s) involved, should take away from this experience is a smile and a Hell Yes that was a good time! Q Dr. Laurie Bennett-Cook is a Clinical Sexologist with a private practice in Salt Lake City. She can be reached at DrLaurieBennettCook@gmail.com and also found through Sex Positive Utah on Meetup.com
JULY 18, 2019 |
BOOKS | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 27
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
the bookworm sez “RAINBOW WARRIOR: MY LIFE IN COLOR” by Gilbert Baker c.2019, Chicago Review Press $26.99, 256 pages
At its most basic, it’s just a piece of cloth. A nice poly-blend, perhaps, or a hank of nylon in a fade-resistant color. There are holes in one end to fasten to a pole or rope, but it’s otherwise just a piece of cloth. Yet, people have died for it and, as in the new book “Rainbow Warrior” by Gilbert Baker, that flag could be the fabric of revolution. Even as a small child, Gilbert Baker knew that he was gay. He grew up in Kansas, a child who loved to draw, create, wear fancy dresses, and dream of being an artist. Alas, art wasn’t a career in his parents’ eyes so Baker, as a young man, lied about his gayness and enlisted in the army, where he quickly realized that he was in for years of abuse (at best) or Vietnam (at worst). He “lived in terror” before filing as a conscientious objector; the Army instead listed him as a medic and sent him to San Francisco. It was the perfect accidental gift. “When I got to San Francisco,” he said, “I knew I wasn’t ever going back to Kansas.” Five days a week, Baker worked in an Army laboratory; the rest of the time was his to fall in love, explore his new city, and work on his sewing skills. Stitching became an obsession and by 1977, he was making costumes and bannj21ers for demonstra-
tions. When he was asked to make something special for the city’s Gay Freedom Day Parade of 1978, he thought about the rainbow as a flag, and dived right in. While that first flag was a bit hit, Baker writes that the symbol didn’t take off quite as much as he’d hoped. Still, it was present in every “street activists” event he was part of, at every parade, and protest. “One pair of scissors” and a mile of fabric could “change the whole dynamic,” he wrote later. It was “a pure act of rebellion…” “Rainbow Warrior” was compiled from several manuscripts that the late author Gilbert Baker left after his death in 2017, a fact that would have been helpful to have, early-on. You’ll be more forgiving of the overly-florid prose, knowing that. Aside from that annoyance — one appearing throughout the book — readers may also notice a bit of pretentiousness, lot of snarky fighting, endless drugs, and getting naked in Baker’s narrative, which is likewise forgivable because much of it takes place post-Stonewall, post-Summerof-Love, pre-AIDS. And thus is the appeal here. Baker was one of the more ferociously involved protesters, by his own account, and his anecdotes are priceless. He gives readers a good first-person look at early efforts for gay rights, and eye-opening, sometimes jaw-dropping, behind-thescenes peeks at life as a young gay man during an uprising. It’s a lively, outrageous look at outrage, in an account that seems not to have held one thing back. That makes “Rainbow Warrior” readable and entertaining and, despite its overly-ornate verbosity, a good look at revolution cut
from a different cloth. Q
28 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | FOOD & DRINK
Qsaltlake.com |
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
restaurant review
Rollin’ with Freshies BY JOSHUA JONES AND STEVE FINAU
A few
years ago we went to Provincetown, Massachusetts and dived into a world of ocean swimming, oyster slurping, and lobster cracking. The delicate nature of shellfish translates so much better to your palate when plucked from the ocean and put into your mouth promptly. Freshies started as a food truck in Park City and then opened a brick and mortar up there, then another one in a remodeling house in SLC a few blocks from us - on 900 south (Harvey Milk Blvd,). According to our server, their lobster is baited, captured, packaged, shipped to Utah, and plated within 24 hours. That is a lot of effort, and in the end the effort is worth it.
q scopes AUGUST BY SAM KELLEY-MILLS
ARIES March 20–April 19
The path to freedom appears in the form of passion and good spirits. It’s amazing how good someone makes you feel when things get a little tough. Don’t grow dependent on others for happiness, but if an opportunity for it exists, take advantage of it. Strength spawns from coziness, especially in matters of the heart.
TAURUS Apr 20–May 20
Priorities of equal importance flood your agenda. Discouragement ensues without a clear first step, and progress is stalled. Career woes should be handled lightly, while relationship and family matters demand a direct approach. Patience is good, but don’t delay. Draining the pressures of life will provide immediate relief.
GEMINI May 21–June 20
The future seems unclear and a path undefined. This would be fine if you knew the general direction things were going. A normal sense of adventure is notably missing, but do
“Worth it” is a bit relative. The lobster rolls come in three sizes, the small, with just 1.9 oz of lobster is $12. We got the “real mainah” with 3.7 oz for $21, which was filling and — we felt — worth every penny. The meat is nestled into a buttered soft bun with a bit of mayo and sprinkled chives. After one bite we were converts. The meat is sweet and succulent. A few years ago, Freshies won the title of best lobster roll in America and many critics have endorsed that award, saying the same thing, and I have no problem with that. It really is that good. You will want to slow down and savor each bite. The lobster bisque was quite filling and also delicious, but I’d wait for cooler weather to fully enjoy it. The lobster grilled cheese on sourdough ($8) was also great, but the tangy cheddar stole some of the magic from the lobster, making it almost unnecessary. I’d like to say that I’ll someday return to try the Blueberry BBQ Chicken sandwich, which looked amazing … or for the Lobster Mac and Cheese, but in all hones-
no fret. Life continues moving forward and will eventually show its cards. Now is not a good time to gamble, so some caution would be wise.
CANCER June 21–July 22
You’ve kept a big secret for a while. However, everyone already knows what the secret is! Don’t fear letting friends know what defines you, as it will make the world much easier to deal with. Being out of your comfort zone could take time to adjust to, but being exposed can be very liberating. Freedom is a gift to your self.
LEO July 23–August 22
A helping hand comes from a family member. A humble nature will emerge as a result, and a new perspective will shape your outlook. Spend time with those close to you, and don’t let a moment of anger overcome your sensibilities. Staying calm when things heat up is encouraged. The last thing needed right now is deep regret.
VIRGO August 23–Sep. 22
A big change is coming, so be prepared. Nothing is more frustrating than feeling like everyone is too busy. But it’s a good time for reflection and personal expression. Splurge a little, but don’t venture too far from the familiar. A neat friend will
ty, I’m going to stick with their tried and true lobster roll which made me feel like I was back on the P-town docks with salty wind cooling down the day. If you do try something besides the lobster roll, hit us up and let us know how it was!
FRESHIES 356 E. 900 South Open every day, 11am–8pm Q
make a surprise appearance. However, be aware of some romantic intentions.
LIBRA Sept 23–October 22
result in conflict.
CAPRICORN Dec 21–Jan 19
Dreams can be frightening if truth is mistaken for logic. Don’t blow things out of proportion without measuring the extent of reality. Family members take advantage of insecurities, so avoid a tragedy before it starts. If things don’t feel right, make the necessary adjustments. Small changes make the biggest of differences.
There is no such thing as a perfect life, but perfect moments are possible. Great moments will occur during this time, especially in business matters. An intriguing opportunity will be a powerful lure. Be cautious with individuals who seem too willing to give. Open arms could be a trap. Set restrictions and stand firm.
SCORPIO Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Running away feels good from time to time. This will ring true during this time, Aquarius. Personal entanglements are bound to get sticky, but a little distance will help in overcoming the mess. Eliminate one problem at a time, and free time will flow your way. Relax with a clear head. A good cry could also be cleansing.
A period of intense emotional strain will lead to an increase of desires. Give into temptation with a sense of modesty, and satisfaction will be more abundant. An increase of finances will come available, but conservation would be wise. Save for something you really want while being aware of hard times ahead.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22–December 20.
Friends from the past will appear in a quick and surprising manner. Welcome or not, there are memories attached to these people. Buried emotions will rise to the surface. Evaluate your feelings carefully and tread lightly. The past is remembered differently from others. Misunderstandings could
AQUARIUS Jan. 20–Feb. 18
PISCES Feb 19–Mar 19
Feeling through a problem is only part of the process. Embrace both reason and instinct when finalizing a crucial decision. A career development will cause both delight and frustration when too many options become available. The future isn’t certain, but consequences are. Do what feels right to your head and heart. Balance. Q
JULY 18, 2019 |
FOOD & DRINK | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 29
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
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30 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | COMICS
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Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
JULY 18, 2019 |
PUZZLES | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 31
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
How Many Presidents Were Queer?
Each Sudoku puzzle has a unique solution which can be reached logically without guessing. Enter digits 1 through 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each digit, as must each column and each 3x3 square. Qdoku is actually five separate, but connected, Sudoku puzzles.
Q doku
Level: Medium
1 8
2 4
5 3
6 9 7 2
3
8
9 6
9 6 1 4 7
7 7 3 7 5 4 3 4
5 8 3 2 2 3 8 3 6 1 5
3
1 2 8 3 5 3 7 8 6 9 8 1 6 7 2 5 3 8 7 6 7 4 8
9 8 4 3 7 5 2 7 6 8 3 5 1 3 2 6 3 9 7 3 6 8 5 9 4 7 5 8 6 9 8 5 2 1 9 2 1 2 8 6 4 5 3 1 9 7 4 5 6 3 8 2 4 8
5
1 6
4
42 Shakespearean prince 43 It’s human 45 Designing Women ACROSS actress Annie 1 Anne Hathaway’s 47 Pearl Harbor attack, “enchanted” role e.g. 5 Like a muscle Mary’s 52 End of the answer waist 56 Part of Hawaii 9 Look around at a 57 Take off your gay bar clothes 13 Disneyland street 58 The way you come 14 Chaplin widow 60 BB’s, e.g. 15 Langston Hughes or 61 Steamed up James Merrill 62 ___ Upon a Mattress 16 Start of Pete Butt63 Peters out igieg’s answer to 64 Cameron and Mitch“Which presidents ell, to Lily were gay?” 65 Sally Ride’s org. 19 Fireplace remains 20 Brody of The Pianist DOWN 1 Thompson of Angels 21 T, to Socrates in America 22 It tops many roads 2 Potato chip brand 24 Neighbor of Leb. 26 More of the answer 3 Dorothy Parker specialty 32 Stick it in milk 4 Alicia of Falcon Crest 33 Comic strip dog 5 Sondheim’s Sweeney 34 Wilde country 36 Country dance spot 6 The Lion King sound 37 More of the answer 7 Icon letters 8 Margaret Mead ___ 38 The African Queen Me Gay author 9 Unlock, in verse 39 “___ De-Lovely” 10 Angry words before 40 Shapely backside, e.g.? “to hell” PUZZLE SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 35
11 She played Glinda in The Wiz 12 Caesar’s last question 17 It’s a long story 18 Like a top 23 Long, long time 25 Old Queens location 26 Muse for Millay 27 Blows away 28 Lines from Lesbos 29 Rub the wrong way 30 Salmon that has spawned 31 Trick alternative 32 End note 35 Some have electric organs 40 Rainbow shape 41 Sauna bath sites 44 10-to-1, and others 46 Setting for TV’s Portlandia 48 Not for some who like it hot 49 Barber’s Antony and Cleopatra, e.g. 50 Out 51 Joins with a torch 52 Shakespeare’s foot 53 Unfeeling 54 Peter Pan pooch 55 Personal quirks 56 Rita’s second name 59 Prefix with room
32 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | MARKETPLACE
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JULY 18, 2019 |
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
marketplace DOCTORS
MARKETPLACE | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 33
INSURANCE
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34 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | QMMUNITY
Qmmunity Groups BUSINESS
LGBTQ-Affirmative Psycho-therapists Guild of Utah lgbtqtherapists.com * jim@lgbtqtherapists.com Utah Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce utahgaychamber.com * info@utahgaychamber.com LGBT & Allied Lawyers of Utah lgbtutahlawyers.com * lgbtutahlawyers@gmail.com Utah Independent Business Coalition utahindependentbusiness.org 801-879-4928 DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 YWCA of Salt Lake ywca.org/ saltlakecity 322 E 300 S 801-537-8600 HEALTH & HIV
Peer Support for Mental Illness — PSMI Thurs 7pm, Utah Pride Ctr Planned Parenthood 654 S 900 E 800-230-PLAN Salt Lake County Health Dept HIV/STD Clinic 660 S 200 E, 4th Floor Walk-ins M–F 10a–4p Appts 385-468-4242
Utah AIDS Foundation utahaids.org * mail@utahaids.org 1408 S 1100 E 801-487-2323 Weber-Morgan Health Mon., Weds 1-4:30p 477 23rd St, Ogden Appt 801-399-7250 HOMELESS SVCS
VOA Homeless Youth Resource Ctr, ages 15–21 880 S 400 W 801-364-0744 Transition Homes: Young Men’s 801-433-1713 Young Women’s 801-359-5545 LEGAL
Rainbow Law Free Clinic 2nd Thurs 6:30–7:30pm UofU Law School, 383 S University St POLITICAL
Equality Utah equalityutah.org * info@equalityutah.org 175 W 200 S, Ste 1004 801-355-3479
Qsaltlake.com |
RELIGIOUS
First Baptist Church firstbaptist-slc.org * office@firstbaptistslc.org 11a Sundays 777 S 1300 E 801-582-4921 Sacred Light of Christ slcchurch.org 823 S 600 E 801-595-0052 11a Sundays Wasatch Metropolitan Community Church wasatchmcc.org 801-889-8764 Sundays except the 2nd Sunday, 11:15a at Crone’s Hollow, 3834 S. Main SOCIAL
1 to 5 Club (bisexual) fb.me/1to5ClubUtah 1to5club@
utahpridecenter.org Alternative Garden Club bit.ly/altgarden * altgardenclub@gmail.com blackBOARD Men’s Kink/Sex/BDSM education, 1st, 3rd Mons. blackbootsslc.org
Utah Libertarian Party 6885 S State St #200 888-957-8824
blackBOOTS Kink/BDSM Men’s leather/kink/ fetish/BDSM 4th Sats. blackbootsslc.org
Utah Log Cabin Republicans bit.ly/logcabinutah 801-657-9611
Gay Writes writing group, DiverseCity 6:30 pm Mondays Community Writing Ctr, 210 E 400 S Ste 8
Utah Stonewall Democrats utahstonewalldemocrats.org fb.me/ utahstonewalldems
Men Who Move menwhomove.org OUTreach Utah Ogden outreachutah.org
OWLS of Utah (Older, Wiser, Lesbian. Sisters) bit.ly/owlsutah Queer Friends queerfriends.org qVinum Wine Tasting qvinum.com fb.me /QVinum/ Sage Utah, Seniors fb.me/sageutah sageutah@ utahpridecenter.org 801-557-9203 Temple Squares Square Dance Club templesquares.org 801-449-1293 Utah Bears utahbears.com fb.me/utahbears info@utahbears.com Weds 6pm Raw Bean Coffee, 611 W Temple Utah Male Naturists umen.org info@umen.org Utah Pride Center utahpridecenter.org info@utahpridecenter.org 1380 S Main St 801-539-8800 Venture OUT Utah bit.ly/GetOutsideUtah SPORTS
QUAC — Queer Utah Aquatic Club quacquac.org questions@ quacquac.org Salt Lake Goodtime Bowling League bit.ly/slgoodtime Stonewall Sports SLC fb.me/SLCStonewall stonewallsaltlakecity. leagueapps.com 385-243-1828 Utah Gay Football League UtahGayFootballLeague.com fb.me/UtahGayFootballLeague Venture Out Utah facebook.com/groups/ Venture.OUT.Utah SUPPORT
umen.org
Alcoholics Anonymous 801-484-7871 utahaa.org LGBT meetings:
Sun. 3p Acceptance Group, UPC,1380 S Main Tues. 8:15p Live & Let Live, Mt Tabor Lutheran, 175 S 700 E Wed. 7p Sober Today, 375 Harrison Blvd, Ogden Fri. 8p Stonewall Group, Mt Tabor Lutheran, 175 S 700 E Crystal Meth Anon crystalmeth.org Sun. 1:30pm Clean, Sober & Proud LGBTQIA+Straight USARA, 180 E 2100 S LifeRing Secular Recovery 801-608-8146 liferingutah.org Sun. 10am Univ. Neuropsychiatric Institute, 501 Chipeta Way #1566 Wed. noon, 2319 Foothill Dr, #120 Weds. 6:30 pm, Univ Neuropsych Institute, 501 Chipeta Way #2705 Thurs. 7pm, USARA, 180 E 2100 S, #100 Sat. 11am, First Baptist Church, 777 S 1300 E Men’s Support Group utahpridecenter. org/programs/lgbtqadults/ joshuabravo@ utahpridecenter.org Survivors of Suicide Attempt utahpridecenter.org/ programs/lgbtq-adults/ sosa@ utahpridecenter.org
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
Youth Support Gro ages 10-14, 14-20 utahpridecenter.
org/programs/youthfamily-programs/ Youth Survivors of Suicide Attempt utahpridecenter.org/ programs/youth-familyprograms/ youthsosa@ utahpridecenter.org YOUTH/COLLEGE
Encircle LGBTQ Family and Youth Resource Ctr encircletogether.org fb.me/encircletogether 91 W 200 S, Provo, Gay-Straight Alliance Network gsanetwork.org Kids Like Me (ages 2-10) utahpridecenter.org/ programs/youth-familyprograms/ Salt Lake Community College LGBTQ+ 8 slcc.edu/lgbtq/ University of Utah LGBT Resource Center 8 lgbt.utah.edu 200 S Central Campus Dr Rm 409 801-587-7973 USGA at BYU usgabyu.com fb.me/UsgaAtByu Utah State Univ. Access & Diversity Ctr usu.edu/ accesscenter/lgbtqa Utah Valley Univ Spectrum facebook.com/ groups/uvuspectrum
Trans Adult Support utahpridecenter.org/ programs/lgbtq-adults/ lanegardinier@ utahpridecenter.org
Weber State University LGBT Resource Center weber.edu/ lgbtresourcecenter 801-626-7271
Women’s Support Group utahpridecenter.org/ programs/lgbtq-adults/ mariananibley@ utahpridecenter.org
Youth Activity Night ages 10-14, 14-20 utahpridecenter.org/ programs/youth-familyprograms/
JULY 18, 2019 |
MARKETPLACE | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 35
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
marketplace
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36 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | FRIVOLIST
Qsaltlake.com |
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
the frivolist
6 ways to do summer naked BY MIKEY ROX
When
swim briefs are your go-to gay summer attire, why wear anything at all? Stay naked with these fun, in-theflesh warm-weather activities and getaways.
1. NUDE BEACHES My first introduction to naked summer a few years ago was on Gunnison Beach in New Jersey’s Sandy Hook State Park — located on the northern-most tip of the Jersey Shore — which, on clear days, provides plenty of seclusion, sunshine, and a not-too-distant view of downtown Manhat-
tan. While this private stretch of sand skews straight and toward those who engage in a swingers “lifestyle” (though sexual activity is prohibited here, and there are police present to keep things kosher), freebirds of all ages flock to this birthday-suit bastion, with the gayest among them occupying the southern quarter of the isolated oceanfront. I’ve also dropped trou on South Florida’s Haulover Beach, where LGBTQ beachgoers are greater in number and, well, much more “Miami.” Other top nude beaches in the Unit-
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ed States include Maui’s Little Beach; Rooster Rock Beach in Oregon; Hippi Hollow Beach in Austin, Texas; and San Francisco’s Baker Beach.
2. FITNESS Naked group exercise is on the rise all over the country thanks to classes like in-thebuff hot yoga that gained popularity after big press in major cities like New York and L.A. Now you can find all kinds of ways to rock out with your cock out: There’s high-intensity interval training at Hanson Fitness in Manhattan, co-ed naked pilates where available, and a growing number of nude running and cycling events, like this dirty dozen compiled by Thrillist.
3. RESORTS To toast my bare buns in an amenity-filled social setting, I prefer the Grand Resort and Spa in Fort Lauderdale — spring for the penthouse if you’ve got summer vacay cash to burn — but there are several other options for hideand-peek staycays worth the splurge, including INNdulge Palm Springs, Island House in Key West, and New Orleans’ Green House Inn.
4. CAMPING Recently my boyfriend and I experienced our first nude camping weekend at The Woods Campground in Lehighton, Penn., and while the great outdoors and exposing everything our daddies gave us wasn’t always conducive to one another (like letting it all hang out in front of a crackling fire), it was a liberating 48 hours of excitement, adventure and even romance. This sprawling mobile community, consisting of permanent seasonal residents along with visitors like us, features pool and dance parties; site-specific social
events, including drink crawls; let-it-all-hang-out woodland hikes; body painting; and a little nighttime naughtiness in the shadows if you’re up for it (there’s a place on campus called the Head Shed, and you can make of that what you will). The demographic is roughly 95 percent gay men, but there were a smattering of lesbians and hetero couples. Jones Pond in New York, Whispering Oaks in Tennessee, and Pennsylvania’s Hillside Campgrounds also offer clothing-optional camping for the LGBTQ community.
5. FESTIVALS There’s only one multi-day nude festival in the United States — the Northeast Naturist Festival at Empire Haven Nudist Park in Moravia, New York (July 31 to Aug. 5) — but you also can take your barethe-skin-you’re-in pursuits abroad by attending Nudefest (July 8 to 15) in the United Kingdom or join our carefree neighbors to the north at Toronto’s Body Fest, featuring nude Olympics, stand-up comedy, fire-spinning (maybe cover your crotch for this one), and a dance party, on Aug. 9.
6. CRUISES Where there’s a will, there’s a wang – when it comes to naked gaycations, anyway. Nude cruising is no exception. Happy Gay Travel provides a comprehensive list of gay sailing holidays around the world, with suns-out-bunsout visits to exotic Ibiza and Formentera Spain, island hopping in Croatia, and relaxing au natural in Greece and Indonesia. Q Mikey Rox is an award-winning journalist and LGBT lifestyle expert whose work has been published in more than 100 outlets across the world. He spends his time writing from the beach with his dog Jaxon. Connect on Instagram @mikeyrox
JULY 18, 2019 |
A&E | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | 37
Issue 302 | Qsaltlake.com
5 New songs for your summer playlist BY CHRIS AZZOPARDI
Taylor Swift is a gay icon on the job! Céline Dion is flying! Katy Perry is not sexualizing buffets! And then, there’s MIKA, your “Ice Cream” man.
‘YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN,’ TAYLOR SWIFT Homophobes, look what you made Taylor Swift do: the pop superstar’s second single from her upcoming Lover album is her gayest yet. She celebrates guys in gowns (and calls out those who don’t). She rightfully wonders why protesters with anti-gay signs at Pride parades waste their time. And as confirmed in the lyric video, there’s a shoutout to GLAAD, with the line, “Why are you mad when you could be GLAAD?” It gets even gayer when the mega singer-songwriter calls out homophobic haters who gay-hate because, after all, “shade never made any-body less gay.” Swift’s most political song (it’s at least partly about Trump and she doesn’t even need to say his name) comes shortly after the singer-songwriter recently released a statement in support of Tennessee’s Equality Act.
‘WITH MY WHOLE HEART,’ SUFJAN STEVENS
‘ICE CREAM,’ MIKA
upcoming October fulllength, to weather some personal storms and some actual weather (no AC in Italy, where the song came to him) while writing this delectable treat, a sumptuous ’90s throwback to signature Prince and George Michael. It’s a gay parade of sounds, the beach on a blistering day. And who can argue with what it stands for: “Dare to be the more proud version of your-self,” MIKA says. “Dare to be a sensual man, dare to express out loud the desires you always keep inside your head. That’s why and how I wrote it.” Q
Queer glam-pop artist MIKA leaned on his newest single “Ice Cream,” the first from his
Chris Azzopardi is the editor of Q Syndicate, the international LGBT wire service. Reach him @chrisazzopardi.
For June Pride Month, not-explicitly-out but suggestively queer musician Sufjan Stevens released two songs, with portions of the proceeds benefiting two organizations supporting LGBTQ and homeless children in America (the Ali Forney Center in Harlem, NY, and the Ruth Ellis Center in Detroit). The song’s welcome lightheartedness is a shift from the dark skies hovering over his last album, the grief-stricken Carrie & Lowell. “With My Whole Heart” is sonically ambitious and upbeat, a respite that casts a shimmer with electro fragments that dissolve into a million brilliant tiny pieces.
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‘NEVER REALLY OVER,’ KATY PERRY Baby, she’s a firework again. That’s more than could be said about Katy Perry two or even six years ago, when the motivational-anthem maker leaned heavily into self-caricature and tried, in an exceptionally on-brand move, to make buffets sexy. That “Never Really Over” has more in common with “Firework” or “Roar” is the biggest compliment I’ve given Perry in years. The sin-gle wipes the slate clean — yes, even the text she couldn’t bring herself to send, to unintentionally hilarious effect, on the fatuous “Save As Draft” is finally leaving me — as its percussive snaps and sound-drop effects propel the track into a funky synth-club bop worthy of Robyn-level ranking in the dance-salve canon.
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2015 Fabby Awards
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‘ROLLERCOASTER,’ JONAS BROTHERS Crying because of a JoBros song: I assure you, this is not where I saw myself at age 36 either. But here I am and here we are, the Disney boys all grown up, reminiscing on youth and presuma-bly their up-and-down relationship with each other on “Rollercoaster.” And me, all misty-eyed, flooded with my own boy-to-man memories. Nostalgia will do that, as the JoBros toggle between bouncy Mumford & Sons choruses and mellow verses to achieve an exuberant anthem that will tug at your vulnerable daddy tears.
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38 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | FINAL WORD
Qsaltlake.com |
Issue 302 | JULY 18, 2019
the perils of petunia pap smear
A tale of water sports BY PETUNIA PAP SMEAR
The road
to the shower in Chateau Pap Smear is fraught with danger and excitement. Last month, I related the experience of searching for and then purchasing Chateau Pap Smear. Now is , as the late Paul Harvey would say, “the rest of the story.” Chateau Pap Smear is 97 years old. Consequently, out of caution, I decided I should have it inspected by a professional to see just what kind of 97-year-old problems I might be inheriting. I searched online for house inspectors. My criteria for choosing one was, of course, whoever had the best-looking photo in their advertisement. I chose a porno-magazine-worthy specimen of the male form. For the purposes of this column I shall call him Chief Pipe Inspector Peter or Peter Piper for short. I anxiously awaited the day of the scheduled appointment with Mr. Piper. I painstakingly made sure that all was in readiness. The house was clean and orderly. My breasticles matched my hair, and I attached a wrench and a screwdriver as my interchangeable nipples of the day, just in case he wanted to play a rousing game of “Plumbers Helper” (just like in all those movies) while inspecting my pipes. The doorbell rang, which I thought was a good omen, being that after 97 years it’s a miracle the bell still worked. I went to the door and momentarily got a severe case of the vapors as I beheld the masculine beauty of Chief Inspector Peter Piper. He
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wore a most snugly fitting t-shirt and the tightest most well-packed pair of jeans I had beheld in a very long time. I led him into my lair, I mean to the basement furnace room. He slowly removed from his tool belt a very long and slender shaft. My heart quickened. Whatever was he going to do to me? My hopes came crashing back to reality when I saw that it was only his flashlight, and he began poking around the water heater. My eyes were glued to his gluteus magnificus. After a few minutes and several “plumber’s helper” fantasies, I became aware that he was speaking to me, saying that the water heater was tremendously old, on its last legs and would need to be replaced very soon and the water pressure was extremely weak. Then suddenly before I realized what was happening and I could trap him with my feminine wiles or lasso him with a feather boa, like a fart in the wind, he was gone. I was left alone and dejected, a sad, lonely old queen, in her basement with an old water heater and an unused screwdriver. Armed with Peter Piper’s ominous information of imminent plumbing failure, I began living in the house. One of the selling features of the place was that the master bathroom had a jetted garden tub, along with a shower. I had visions of a nearly naked Mr. Peter Piper feeding me grapes as I luxuriated in a swirling steaming bubble bath. I was ever so excited to give them a try. So, I jumped into the shower, and turned on the hot water. A mere dribble of icy cold water came trickling out of the shower head. I swear it took a full five minutes for the water to get warm. I kept waiting for it to get hot enough that I would need to turn on some cold water to balance it. That moment never came. It was lukewarm at best. Taking a shower in this could best be described as a tepid, unenthusiastic sponge bath. I decided to try the jetted tub. With the dribble of water, it took a full 45 minutes to fill the tub just halfway, enough to reach the water jets. But the warm water
gave out after 30 minutes, so I had to fill pots and pans with cold water and heat them on the stove to supplement the feeble water heater. This is how life in Chateau Pap Smear began. Every day, a lukewarm sponge bath. OH, MY, GAWD! I’m in plumbing HELL and I don’t have enough money to fix it. The best result that could be achieved in this shower was a MOIST Pap Smear. Eeewww! After a whole year of suffering and complaining to anyone who would listen, one day I was at Club TryAngles relating my woes to Gene Geiber and he asked me if the thermostat was turned up on the water heater. I exclaimed Chief Inspector Peter Piper examined it, of course it was. It was a full two months later when I was down in the furnace room and suddenly thought, perhaps I should actually look at the thermostat. Wouldn’t you know, it was turned all the way down to the lowest setting. WELL, SHIT! I turned it up to high. Next morning, I turned the shower on full hot as usual. After waiting the requisite five minutes, I jumped into the shower as usual and shrieked with pain as boiling hot water scalded and peeled my naughty bits. A breasticle nearly poked my eye out as I was slipping and sliding, violently trying to escape from the boiling aquatic nightmare. Needless to say, the family jewels were carried in a scarlet red “purse” and I was forced to walk very bow-legged for the next few days. This story leaves us with several important questions: 1. Has watching porn given me an unrealistic expectation of just how quickly a plumber will come to my house? 2. Would my shower have been more effective if I had installed a form of drip irrigation instead? 3. Does suffering for a whole year without hot water gain me any princess points? 4. Does a floor-length caftan sufficiently hide bowed legs? 5. Should I pack my scarlet purse with tools and get a job as a plumber’s assistant? These and other eternal questions will be answered in future chapters of The Perils of Petunia Pap Smear.
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