20 | QSALTLAKE MAGAZINE | SAME-SEX WEDDINGS
Qsaltlake.com |
ISSUE 308 | January 23, 2020
Q&A
on same-sex weddings
With
every union being unique, it’s up to each couple to interpret the traditions of marriage to suit their celebration. But if you’re running into conundrums as you plan your big day, these answers to common questions we’ve received will be sure to help. Since there aren’t traditional bride-groom roles in a same-sex marriage, how do we decide whose parents pay for what? This is a question all couples face, not just gay ones. That’s because the age-old custom of divvying up the costs between the bride’s family (who traditionally pay for everything reception-related) and the groom’s (who historically cover the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon) is just that: ages old. Today, many couples of all stripes are footing the bill themselves. In fact, a survey by the Gay Wedding Institute found that 84 percent of gay men finance the day and 73 percent of lesbians do. Still, bankrolling the wedding often comes down to who can afford it, and it’s lovely when parents want to pitch in. As for who covers what, you can split the costs three ways (your parents, his or her folks, the two of you), or ask each side what they’re most excited about, whether
it’s the food, the music, or the décor, and have them invest their money there. We want to avoid working with people who will make us feel uncomfortable. What’s a good way to make sure vendors are okay doing a gay wedding? Start by browsing the vendor listings on dedicated same-sex wedding directories, including UtahGayWeddings.com, which break down gay-friendly services by category. Not all of the vendors will use LGBTQ-inclusive language, but all have agreed to advertise on these same-sex wedding sites, so you can be sure they’re on board. If you’re still having trouble finding a caterer, photographer, florist, or other vendor that reflects your vision, you can go the mainstream route. Once you see someone’s work that speaks to your sensibilities, simply let them know yours is a gay wedding and ask them directly if they’re cool with that. I have extended family who have made it clear they won’t attend our wedding, but my mom insists all family must be invited regardless. Do I have to invite an unsupportive family member just because my parents say so? As the saying goes, you can’t please all of the people all of the
time. If you yield to your mother’s wishes, you’re compromising your own; stay true to yourself, and Mom and Dad will be the miffed ones. Neither is an enviable situation, but to be the most diplomatic about it, follow the who’s-paying-for-what rule. If your parents are footing the majority of the wedding bills, you can keep the peace and invite Uncle Mike, even if he’s made his anti-gay-marriage views known in the past. (On the plus side, someone that unsupportive probably won’t show up anyway!) If you and your partner are paying for the day, you can stick to your guns, explaining to your folks that, in y our heart of hearts, you simply aren’t comfortable asking unsupportive people to bear witness to your special day. As your parents, they ultimately just want you to be happy, but if they do still put up a fuss about it, you can always ask them to cover, at the very least, your stationery expenses so you’re not shelling out for the extra invites. That being said, in the end, it comes down to you and what you stand for. Don’t let anyone ruin your big day.
