Does Sex Look Pretty?

Does porn perpetuate unrealistic expectations about sex?

BY: Giovanna Cicalese

According to the CDC, a comprehensive sex education looks like a course that is taught by a well-qualified teacher, engages all students, and addresses all health needs including those of LGBTQ+ students. However, in a country where some states prohibit sex educators from discussing the LGBTQ+ community in sex education, 37 states have laws that require teaching abstinence, and only 18 states require educators to teach about birth control, sex education isn’t as comprehensive as it needs to be.

An incomplete sex education program can leave young people ashamed or scared to talk about sex. It also leaves them with lots of questions—which can lead teens to look for answers in porn or other forms of media.

“Because we don’t necessarily have a ton of spaces where we feel comfy and cozy to talk about sexuality, certainly with folks that are experts in the field, or that make us feel safe…porn kind of becomes that substitute for more foundational educational information that you could get from like a formal sex, that curriculum or program,” said Dr. Jennifer Pollitt, assistant director and assistant professor in Temple University’s Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies department.

When porn or other sources of media become peoples’ primary sex education it raises the question: does real sex look like it does in porn? Porn can show a wide range of body types, but diverse porn is something that has to be looked for and the front page is not cutting it in the diversity department. Seeing all of the same body types in the media can make people question what their body looks like, if they should be shaving more, or if their body parts match up to what they are seeing.

“And so you know what is porn teaching us about body image? Is it opening up spaces for folks to be like ‘Oh, hey, that person’s body actually looks like mine,’ you know, or is it making folks feel insecure like that person’s body doesn’t look like mine, and that’s making me feel like my body looks weird,” said Pollitt. “And again, this is also where I don’t think that there’s going to ever be an either or for porn, it’s not going to be all good or all bad. It’s the grapple, those tensions, and sit somewhere in between.”

While diverse porn does exist, it has to be searched for, and for someone who hasn’t had a comprehensive sex education or even an inclusive conversation about what’s out there, porn can be just as confusing.

“I think we can hate on porn a lot, but we have to remember that porn exists in a society full of unrealistic body standards (and various forms of oppression) just like everything else and is therefore subject to portraying those biases,” said Jack Kleiner, a junior gender, sexuality, and women’s studies major. “These biases include preferences for white, young, thin, non-disabled bodies with desirable characteristics (e.g., large penises, big breasts, flat stomachs, muscles, etc.) When people appear in porn who don’t conform to this, oftentimes they are fetishized (sometimes with consent, oftentimes without consent) or othered in some way.”

In a world of idealized body standards, porn often embodies what a majority of viewers want to see. And the sex isn’t necessarily realistic, either.

“It really depends on the porn. But generally speaking, it absolutely does not depict reality,” said Kleiner. “You might see lube in porn, but you probably won’t (at least not obviously), and it makes it seem like this product is a ‘last resort’ despite how much it helps with comfort, safety and pleasure.”

Porn can also leave out crucial parts of sex such as onscreen consent, communication, foreplay, and aftercare.

“So in the absence of those things being represented in digital porn, you know, what are the false learnings about consent and communication?” said Pollitt.

Leaving out key communication from porn means that people may have no idea how to have conversations about what they want or need from their partners when they’re having sex. Verbal communication is always important. If you can’t talk about sex with your partner, should you be having sex with them?

However, paying attention to the physical communication of your partner and watching their body language is also important for being attuned to their body. When the media being watched as an introduction to sex doesn’t show verbal communication, people may not have the words for what they’re comfortable with—so watching out for physical signs of consent or the lack thereof is just as important as talking about it.

“Checking in and being attuned to the body of your partner’s, and being attuned to your own body, is just as important as being able to have a language and facilitate a conversation about likes, wants, all the stuff between,” said Pollitt.

Porn isn’t an either/or situation but a both/and; it’s not going to be all good or all bad. Sex isn’t going to look exactly like it does in porn and body types aren’t always going to match up. What porn can do is open up a dialogue about sexuality. Porn can be helpful in showing someone what’s out there but due to its lack of realism it is still necessary to do research on healthy communication and safe sex. And let’s face it: sex doesn’t always look pretty.