Killer Queen

Written by: Billie Ford

Authorities arrived at the scene of students barricaded in the auditorium hiding from the former Queen Elizabeth.

Several eyewitnesses accounted that, during third lunch, screaming and loud thuds were heard from the cafeteria. Then, students saw little doggy arms breaking through the boarded doors on the far end of the cafeteria. The Queen has the high school surrounded by many flesh-eating corgis who have been made plump by the tender juices and flesh of the Ritenour youth. The few who had made it on the outside of the building met a gruesome and graphic demise; they can only be identified by their pristine dental remains which were being heavily guarded by the rabid and crazed canines.

Authorities were unable to penetrate the thick mass of corgi bodies to enter the school and save the students and staff trapped in the auditorium. Waiting outside in the parking lot, SWAT teams, bomb squads, and terrorist negotiators set up camp while trying to figure out how to save these young victims, but there was luck.

Unable to contact or reach the leader of this attack on the school, authorities were left confused as to why this was happening a normal suburban St. Louis high school. Desperate for answers, there was only one thing left to do. The authorities decided to send someone in to negotiate.

There was clearly only one choice to who the negotiator will be; Ritenour student Robert Chamberlain, who just happened to be late to school that day and was not trapped in the building. There was a unanimous decision to put the eager and reckless boy on the line. Chamberlain was interviewed and asked how he felt about being Ritenour’s “last hope”.

“It feels natural because I’m pretty much a natural born representation of Ritenour’s core values,” Chamberlain said.

Several hours later the authorities devised a plan. Chamberlain was strapped to a rope dangling from a helicopter and lowered onto the roof of the high school, where he entered through a door leading from the roof to the upper balcony above the lower lobby, right next to the auditorium. Duct taped to his chest was rows of bacon to grab the attention of the targets. Once inside, he radioed back, giving a detailed account of the goingson inside of the building. After lowering Chamberlain into the building, the authorities, parents, and community waited with bated breath for any sign over the walkie-talkie.

But, something went amiss. Several minutes passed and Chamberlain had yet to

Returning from the grave, the queen rampages through Ritenour, mauling young students

communicate. Until they heard a crackle over the walkie-talkie, but it was not Chamberlain. It was an evil voice with a British accent that people immediately recognized as the voice of the recently departed, Queen Elizabeth.

“Here are my demands” she said. “I want the dental care I was promised before I kicked the bucket for my precious corgis. I also want one of those amazing American hot dogs I’ve been hearing about pronto or I sacrifice the boy you sent in as delectable bait.”

Of course the authorities responded with “absolutely not.” That decision set off an extremely distressing chain of events, which started with the Queen being enraged by the rejection of her insane demands. She was so enraged that after dragging Chamberlain outside the building and body slamming him into the mass of flesh-eating corgis, she proceeded to scream like a banshee while scaling up the side of the building onto the roof like a spider monkey, reached into her handbag and chucked a hand grenade off the roof, causing a massive explosion demolishing the Radio Room. An ear splitting mournful wail was let out across the parking lot as media teacher Jane Bannester fell to her knees sobbing and hyperventilating.

Unfortunately, because of the bacon strapped to Chamberlain’s body, the corgis immediately tried to maul him, but he was not going down without a fight. By drop kicking the tiny canine bodies and upper-cutting them in their snouts, Chamberlain was able to fight his way free. But, as he emerged, he was clutching his eye screaming, “AHHHH MY EYEBALL MY EYEBALL!!!” His eyeball had been scratched out by one of the bloodthirsty corgis.

Fueled with inhuman rage, Chamberlain let out a celtic battle cry, ran up the side of the building, hopped on top of the roof and ripped a pipe up, sending it sailing through the air right at the Queen, effectively yeeting her into the sun. The corgis immediately were assailed by grief and broke down into depressed heaps on the concrete, where they were locked in doggy chains and filed one by one into armored animal control cars.

The authorities and the parents in the crowd gathered outside immediately erupted into applause, screaming “ROBBIE ROBBIE!!” He was dubbed the hero of Ritenour. After being wheeled off to the hospital, Chamberlain received a hero metal and an eye patch. From now until the end of time, he will forever be known as “One-Eyed Rob: The Zombie Queen Slayer”.

After the catastrophe, Bannester was interviewed on how she felt about her beloved radio room being decimated.

“I just wish they took me with it. Bury me under the rubble,” Bannester said.

After Bannester’s disturbing comments, the school board decided to not rebuild the radio room, ceasing the existence of KRHS forever. Bannester then resigned her position as a teacher at Ritenour High School. She currently stays at home, hoarding the salvaged KRHS memorabilia and crocheting granny squares for her cats.

Other teachers were also interviewed about how they felt about the situation, like German teacher Daniel Jones.

” YA by predpochel, chtoby detey s”yeli bigli, a ne corgis,” Jones said.

This roughly translates to “I would have preferred the children be eaten by beagles instead of corgis.” He also is no longer working at Ritenour High School. Let’s hope and will a full recovery to the recovering victims of this horrible incident.