They will...they will shock you

Allison - 0/10 - No subhead written

Written by: David Moore

As a way to combat the tardiness problems in the hallways, Ritenour has implemented a shocking new addition.

As a pilot program, certain teachers handed out special lanyards to their students. These lanyards are part of a new multistep process to clear the hallways. Students who were part of the pilot program say that whenever they were out of class without a pass, they’d get an “electric current” through their body that would make them quickly want to get back to class.

Junior Jordan Matthes believes that it is a step too far.

“This is a breach of our human rights,” Matthes said.

The idea for the shocking lanyards was actually brought to the Ritenour administration by junior Robert Chamberlain, whose mother is studying psychology.

“I got really into Pavlovian conditioning when I got into my mom’s textbooks,” Chamberlain said.

At the same time that he was obsessed with the form of conditioning he was reading about, Chamberlain was at a friends house. That friend had a dog with a shock collar, and Chamberlain was curious about what it would feel like to get shocked by the collar. After taking it off the dog and testing it on his own neck, Chamberlain realized that the non-dangerous shock could definitely be combined with the Pavlovian conditioning.

“After I tried out the shock collar, I decided to get on the good graces of the school and figure out how to get people under control,” Chamberlain said.

One change that Chamberlain made to the shock device was to combat people taking it off, he made it extra sensitive to the hands. Any students who attempt to take off the lanyard mid shock will experience a much more aggressive shock to their system.

Sophomore Bryce Jost was one of the students who had the lanyards tested on him. He made the mistake of trying to pull off the lanyard as it went off five feet from his classroom when the bell rang.

“This was, like, soooo not good,” Jost said.

Some students are actually on board with the idea, even if it is a little odd.

“I like it. It may be a little cringe, but I like it,” sophomore Lucas Wojtanowski said.

While there were rumors of students passed out around the school, nobody has been able to confirm them. Investigations are still ongoing, but that is not going to stop the plan to give out the lanyards to all students in the school.

Although Chamberlain will have to wear one of the lanyards, he has been told that he has the ability to turn off the shocks at any point.

“Nobody knows in the student body, so I could still keep my reputation, but I gave them the idea so that I’d be able to get away with stuff,” Chamberlain said. “Wait, this is off the record, right? Nobody is going to read this, are they?”