the Medium
OPINIONS
Wednesday, February 12h, 2020
"You're a Hufflepuff, but sure, you can be a Gryffindor at Hogwarts - Newark."
UNIVERSITY VOICES
Where are you celebrating Valentine's Day with your partner? "I'm gonna pull up in my Tesla and then take that bitch to the classiest restaurant in the city." Dick Rich Don't worry, his dad's got the bill
"The poor house." Melanie Dipshit Wishes she'd listened to Karl Engels
"I don't know yet, but my girlfriend left me a message saying 'we need to talk,' so I bet that's what she wants to talk about." Shawn Levy Is in for a big fucking surprise ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC?
Romeo and Juliet Would’ve Been Better Without that Stupid Romance Arc BY LEONARDO DICAPRIO
It’s Valentine’s Day, every straight girl on campus is pretending that they’re gonna find true love with the first hobag frat boy to cross their path only to never see them again come Monday. Whatever. I’ve got my own take about love being fucking stupid: Romeo and Juliet, for some reason considered the most romantic story of all time, would be way better if those idiot kids weren’t in it. “hE’S mY ROmeO AnD i’M JUliEt” yeah ok Samantha, are you 70% of his age and ready to run away with him even though you kissed once? You realize that if this was in the modern day he’d be committing statutory rape, right? And don’t give me the “ohh it was the 1500s” bullshit, no one got married at 14 back then unless they were a rich fuck This shit is creepy. Let me ask you which is a better story: horny teenagers who get so melodramatic they make Evanescence look rational, or an incredibly tense drama about proto-Mafia families duking it out. Two rich families with talented sword fighters viciously trying to put an end to each other sounds a heck of a lot cooler than over-the-top teenage angst. Mercutio is the best part of the play and any adaptation anyway, make him the hero trying to drive those Capulet scoundrels out of Verona, but eventually realizing the Montagues aren’t any better. Romeo and Juliet is the perfect example of how a great writer can make something pretty fuckin bad.
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OINK OINK, MOTHERFUCKERS
St. Valentine Was a Capitalist Pig BY KARL ENGELS
Yeah, go ahead and buy your significant other chocolates and cards and those stupid stuffed bears, y'know, the ones holding hearts that say something like "I Luv U" on them. Just know the whole time that you are supporting the capitalist pig that was St. Valentine. As anyone who exploits people for money knows, the emotions of the people are a great place to start. That fucker Valentine knew from the start that he was just guilt-tripping people into buying all of this unnecessary bullshit for their partners. Many people don't know this, but when Valentine was going around performing illegal marriages, he wasn't only charging a fortune, he was in cahoots with both John of the Hallmark Peninsula and Lewis of the Godiva Islands. Those pigs were working together from the very start, knowing that it was gonna take off and become a way of stealing money. At least when Friedrich and I started dating, we acknowledged that capitalism was a horrible institution and that we wouldn't fall into its trap. Sure, we still got married (I took his name, of course), but we had a small ceremony with only a few close friends and we didn't spring for rings. Sure, we might be a little biased, since we are the gay dads of Marxism, but anyone has to admit that the obscene amount the average person has to spend for just this one holiday year is ridiculous. People should be focused instead on spending time with their loved ones, not giving more of their time to the bourgeoisie to afford all these gifts. Don't even get me started on Santa Claus... FATHER, SON, AND HOLY GHOST? YES PLEASE!
It's Not Gay if God is Your Valentine BY ACTUALLY MIKE PENCE
Pastor Darrell from the Evangelical Church of Immaculate Conception Plus a Couple Kids in Thailand (ECICPCKT) says it’s totally ok if I want to ask God to be my Valentine. It’s fine for a man to be interested in another man, as long as that other man is an omnipotent, all-powerful spirit and not a human. I have ‘traditional Christian values’, which is the phrase you say after a series of unfounded, hateful statements and people elect you vice president anyway. It’s like ‘no offense’ for hate crimes. Awesome, right?! Well, my values mean that I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, or two half-full bottles of ketchup, or a man and that newly empty bottle of ketchup, but never between two men or two women. It’s just wrong. Let me just say, definitively: no homo. None homo whatsoever. God is not technically human, which means that any feelings I have towards Him do not make me gay. According to Pastor Darrell, it would be very bad if I was gay, that costs at least $10,000 to $20,000 worth of indulgences to get to heaven. What a waste. (As a side note, Pastor Darrell is very rich). In conclusion, you can see clearly that I am a straight man with a totally normal relationship with our Lord and Savior. Don’t think otherwise. And make sure to vote for Trump, Pence 2020 for four more years of scathing, genocidal ‘traditional Christian values’.
