THE HIVE
SATIRE
HOW TO HIKE WITH YOUR DOG! Utah trail etiquette for you and your new dog. Who’s the puppy!? BY JEREMY PUGH
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HEN TO GO: ANYTIME! Now that you’re a dog owner in Utah, it is important that you take your giant, slavering untrained puppy absolutely everywhere with you. We all love dogs! So. Much. WHY? No idea. You’re the one who moved
to Utah. You’re like, “Mom. No, I’m not going to turn Mormon. I think I’ll get a dog!” That’s the Utah way.
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Gary will expect you to replace his ultralight Therm-a-Rest sleeping pad from that night in Capitol Reef. It’s possible you’ll have to re-carpet. WHAT ABOUT THE POOP? Make sure
off-leash days. But those are for people whose puppy isn’t just the best little puppy ever. Stay out of humanity’s last stronghold: The Cottonwoods. Don’t forget the Farmers’ Market!
you carefully bag up your dog’s doo and then leave the baggy trailside because, eww, you’re not going to carry that around! Just leave its transportation out of the canyon to someone else who cares more than you and ignore the burning in your ears as that Samaritan curses you and your pooch.
WHAT IF HE? Jumps all over other hikers and mauls other dogs? That’s a great way to meet people IRL. Be sure to call out, “He’s friendly!”
WHERE TO GO? Tanner Park or, as we like to call it, “What Life Will Look Like When Dogs Rule the Earth.” Millcreek Canyon has alternating on-leash and
STILL GOING TO GET THAT DOG, HUH?
WHAT TO EXPECT? Poop. Steaming piles of human-sized poop. As the pup grows, you’ll need bigger bags.
Adopt a rescue from Best Friends Utah. 2005 S. 1100 East, SLC 801-574-2454, utah.bestfriends.org.
ILLUSTRATIONS JENNIFER TERRY
HOW MUCH? Can you really put a price on a creature that loves you unconditionally until he starts humping that lady dog and you’re like “Fennel! Get off her!”? But still yeah, lots and lots of money, time and inconvenience. Especially when Fennel gets into Jerry and Kestrel’s backyard chickens. Ooo boy. Also,
