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What People Say About the Author and Her Book
Elisabetta Franzoso is one of those rare women who struggles deeply, works powerfully, lives fully, cries openly, laughs loudly, and loves completely. Her experiences with family and self run the full spectrum from elated joy to utter collapse, and back to a solid foundation for whole and healthy living. Along the way, she has assembled a palette of reflections and insights as rich as the rainbow after a fearsome storm, as fulfilling as sunshine kissing life back into the Earth. Have your travels been varied? Are you looking for answers, and adventure? Then come inside: read Elisabetta’s story. Her journey and yours has just begun. – Ron Kaufman, Bestselling Author of UP Your Service! – Singapore
Frank and motivational! A book of strength and perseverance; it provides a lot of insight. I am sure others who experienced trauma in their lives will be inspired. – Dr. YC Lim, Consultant Psychiatrist, Raffles Hospital – Singapore
Brilliant, thought-provoking, intelligent, kind, forgiving, interesting: it will help many women and men caught up in ‘stuckness in their lives’. A psychological and truly healing book of resilience and magnificent transformation giving love to all who read. – Loreen Visser, Founder of Transformed Self – Melbourne, Australia
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I wept many times reading this touching story. Elisabetta’s journey is one of unbelievable courage, hopeful persistence and unending love. Her family’s story is a true inspiration and powerfully reveals that it is absolutely possible to heal wounds and change patterns of painful dysfunction that have been passed from generation to generation for centuries. – Deborah Torres Patel, Founder of Expressing You! – Singapore
This personal story is truly inspirational, not only for those affected by abuse, but for anyone facing difficult challenges in life. The author clearly demonstrates the importance of awareness and forgiveness in the healing process, and commands respect and admiration for her courage, determination, love and integrity. A ‘must read’ for anyone overwhelmed by past experiences. – Terry J. Pittman, Retired Oil Industry Manager and Consultant to Oil & Gas Industry – Canada
Elisabetta Franzoso’s book is written with candor as Elisabetta strips bare revealing her deep shadows to inspire others to face their own behavioral dysfunction. Her book offers a trail of resources for the pursuit of self-development with references to many other inspirational authors. The sum is an account spanning roughly forty years of a woman’s life, a woman who, after the last page is turned, feels like an old friend. – Vicki James, Naturopath – Sydney, Australia
Elisabetta Franzoso’s path from pain to love, from abuse to forgiveness, from rage to compassion is recounted with great courage and authenticity. Her boldness and commitment are inspiring and her story is a touching example of how self-awareness, will and action can lead to fulfillment and sheer joy. May her words guide more and more people to forgiving and loving themselves. – Lisa Wenger, International Teacher of the Hoffman Quadrinity Process – Switzerland
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Brutally truthful and deeply insightful, this book will challenge you to reflect deeply on your past, present and future. With her stark honesty and incredible sensitivity, Elisabetta unlocks a treasurechest of questions which are key to a life of liberation. You will be inspired by her candidness, strength but most of all courage to share her amazing journey to self-empowerment. From darkness, she found light; from despair, she found hope. If you want to remove the shackles of your past and be inspired by someone’s path to freedom, you must read this book. – Tan Wai Jia, Medical Student and Author of Kitesong – Singapore
Elisabetta’s book is an inspirational guide to anyone who is seeking a ‘true’ identity. The inward search for truth and authenticity brings strength gained through facing the inner shadows, and subsequently achieving amazing outward transformation! – Judy Leow – Singapore
Wow! This book is powerful and captivating. It can really help many people. Thanks, Elisabetta, for being so open! I believe that many of us act that way, harbor feelings and put on their masks. – Michael Podolinsky, International Speaker and Author of Mining For Gold – Singapore
This book is a personal triumph of survival from one enemy, ourselves. Ultimately it teaches us a timeless lesson: we got to be the cheerleaders in our lives before we can touch the lives of others. – Kavita Balakrishnan – Singapore
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Stella’s Mum Gets Her Groove Back A True Story
Elisabetta Franzoso Foreword by Dr. Bob Johnson
Homes4Hope Publications www.StellasMum.com
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Copyright © 2008 by Elisabetta Franzoso All rights reserved. The moral right of the author has been asserted. Published by Homes4Hope Publications – Switzerland. Printed in Singapore. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any manner without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. Page Layout by Pagesetters Services Pte Ltd – Singapore. Cover Design by Flavio Besso (flaviobesso@mac.com) – Italy. Front Cover Photograph by Charlie Lim – Singapore. Edited by Lucy Lyon, Stella Talpo, Alicia McKenzie, Alison Jean Lester. ISBN 978-88-902985-8-5 1. Self-Actualization (Psychology) 2. Child Abuse and Neglect 3. Parenting-Psychological Aspects 4. Relationships 5. Emotional Health 6. Emotional, Physical, Sexual Abuse 7. Eating Disorders 8. Self-Esteem 9. Communication 10. Success-Psychological Aspects 11. Forgiveness and Love 12. Spiritual Growth
Every reasonable effort has been made to contact the copyright holders. If there are any errors or omissions, the publisher and the author will be pleased to insert the appropriate acknowledgement in any subsequent printing of this publication. The author of this book does not prescribe the use of any techniques described in her work as a form of treatment for physical or mental problems without the advice of a physician either directly or indirectly. In an event that you use any of the information in this book, neither the author nor the publisher can assume any responsibility for your actions. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help in your quest for personal growth.
Copies of this book may be purchased for educational, fundraising, conference events, or business use. For information, please contact: info@StellasMum.com info@InsideOutYou.com
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Stella’s Mum Gets Her Groove Back is a work of non-fiction. All characters in this book are real and all events depicted herein did occur.
Part of the proceeds from the sale of this book will be donated to non–profit organizations that support awareness and education in the field of emotional health.
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A special thank-you to Singapore, a wonderful multicultural city, which has been a safe hub for my personal transformation and which today, I consider to be my home.
Elisabetta Franzoso
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“The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone, since we cannot change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path, although certainly not easy, is the only route by which we can at last leave behind the cruel, invisible prison of our childhood. We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it.�
The Drama of the Gifted Child Alice Miller
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Contents 14
Stella’s Poem — I Can
15
Foreword by Dr. Bob Johnson
23
Special Dedications
25
PART I: The Story
239
PART II: On Abuse, Neglect and Mistreatment
244 PART III: Resource Guide A Awareness and Education 256 PART IV: Resource Guide B Organizations and Foundations 271 References 277
Permissions
281 Acknowledgments 285 Bibliography 303 About Dr. Bob Johnson 304 About the Author 306 Stella’s Mum Pay It Forward Projects
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I Can
I can hum a song under a lonely, gray tree, I can dance with wings on the earth, so free. I can sprint over the flowers through that big, white gate, And still, beneath my skin there is trust and there is faith. I can feel the love below everyone’s mask, The one they keep on when they’re afraid to talk and ask. I can see the clouds, what a splendid thing they can be, I can live my whole life watching the waters in the sea. I can smell the velocity of learning and growing, The fantastic times we’ll be getting and throwing, With my family I can laugh and play, I love to do that, what can I say? I can open my birthday presents with happiness and joy, And end up with a magnificent, fluffy toy, But at the end of the day, The toy that I will eventually shove away, Is not the importance of what you and I can do. Out of all the things I can and will achieve, The things I do best are love and believe. © 2004 Stella Talpo (Stella wrote this poem when she was 11)
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Foreword BY DR. BOB JOHNSON Author of Emotional Health
What a remarkable book! Better than most novels, the characters are so real they walk off the page into your heart. Better than most detective or crime novels, the tension is there from the beginning – will the villain ever be found out? Will she get away with it? Except that here the villain is the author, Elisabetta herself. Her crime – so faithfully confessed and painfully described – is to abuse her delightful baby daughter. Why commit this crime, where’s the motivation? What could she possibly gain? Will she be stopped in time? Or must her daughter be stifled and suffer, as all her ancestors have? All this delivered in exemplary detail, from the inside – from the horse’s mouth, the real action. And it’s more. How many of us can guarantee to come home to a supportive emotional family welcome? If you are toiling under a strained family relationship (and so many of us are), then here is a reliable escape route, a way out to where you really want to be – to peace of mind, and social and marital harmony. What wouldn’t you give for that? This book gives as clear a description of family strife as you are likely to find. If you turn the book aside, then you are closing off a highly profitable avenue. Read it, re-read it, take it with a pinch of salt, doubt it, test it, run with it – but if you want to know why so many emotions go wrong, why so many families actively generate the opposite of domestic bliss – read how Elisabetta behaved exactly like this to begin with, and how she does no longer. Ask what happened,
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how did she do it? How on earth did she manage to change? And never forget, if she can do it, then so can you. Here we are at the opening of the twenty-first century. We can leave earth’s gravity to go to the moon or even Mars. What took Marco Polo decades to do, we’ll achieve in rocket ships in minutes. Yet we still make a royal mess of our family life. Where’s all that human ingenuity, that serves us so well in technology – yet makes a pig’s ear in this most intimate and most vital of human problems, at home. We marry, as Elisabetta did, in excellent expectations, and then succumb to an invisible plague. Our hopes at the outset could not be higher – which makes the depths to which we sink even harder to bear. We fumble around, we assert our ‘principles’, we give our ultimatums – but there’s no ‘bottom’ to it, there’s no gold standard, no common fixed point from which to reliably build. We get nowhere. It almost seems as if we are quite deliberately tripping ourselves up, setting out to not-achieve what we most wish for. Could this really be the case for homo sapiens? Is there a mysterious software bug which vitiates our dearest desires? Well, it so happens that there is, and it is incredibly simple, even obvious when you see it – but not easy, and sometimes seemingly quite impossible to undo. UNTHINKING If we start with the simplest picture, then perhaps a glimmer of the escape route will become clearer. Let’s try and start with a clean sheet – the basics. Put out of your mind all the notions from Freud, Jung, Fromm and the many others, and work it out for yourself from the beginning. What is a disease? Taking a nice concrete example – it is obvious that if your legs don’t work, then you have leg disease. What this means is that you cannot walk about in the ordinary way – you cannot
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go where you want to, your legs won’t let you. Obvious, uncomplicated and entirely soluble – find the cause – are your legs broken or arthritic or whatever – mend the cause where you can, and provide wheelchairs where you can’t. No one will argue with that. No one will say that you’ll never walk again, or that your life is over, because you cannot walk – no, what we all say is, sort out where the problem is coming from, and do what you can to resolve it. Basic human ingenuity comes to the fore, optimism bubbles up, solutions buzz around like a swarm of bees – and leg disability becomes the least of your troubles. So let’s take an example where the cause of not-walking is more subtle. An image comes to mind of Pacific Islanders whose volcanic island is being overrun by an eruption from the volcano. Lava is tumbling down the mountainside, incinerating all in its path – houses, people, trees, animals. Most of the population has already fled – as you would expect. But some have not. They kneel. They pray. They do not run for their lives. Why? This is a more complicated leg disease. Normally legs are used to run us out of danger – here they are deliberately not being used for that. What could possibly be going on? To outsiders it makes no sense. The rational thing to do is to pick yourself up, and run for your life. So what these genuflecting islanders are doing strikes us as entirely irrational, precisely the opposite of their best interests. If you tweak the details a little, you can see the relevance to our present topic. Suppose the lava cascading around was not so much molten rock as excoriating chaotic emotion, scorching all you hold most dear – while you do nothing but bury your face in the grass, muttering incantations from the past, that make no sense today. To solve the real lava problem, you would get hold of one of these immobilized islanders and press them as to why they were being so
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self-destructive. Don’t be too hard, though, else they’ll shut you out. And don’t attempt to force them to do anything. Unless they do it for themselves, it won’t last; as soon as you leave, they’ll just revert to ‘what they know best.’ They need to understand the broader perspective you are trying to persuade them to adopt – else they’ll just clam up, label you as hazardous, even evil, and you’ll get nowhere, and neither will they. The same ground rules apply to all sufferers from emotional problems. These self-sacrificing islanders were not born that way. Their legs have often run them out of danger in the past, just like everyone else. But they are now operating to a different tune – something bigger than incandescent lava is pulling the strings in their mind. And to begin with, that is more important than anything you can have to say to them. Their religious and emotional beliefs are more deeply held than you can shift in a moment. Why should they trust you? THE BLUEPRINT Simply speaking, the leg paralysis of those islanders must come from the past, not from the present – since everyone else reacting to today’s reality has run away. And it is obvious that the human mind being so complex, takes a long time to fill up. This is what childhoods are all about – learning complex social patterns, such as language, and how to get by in our mind‑bogglingly complicated world. Most of the time we can think about what we’ve learnt, and modify it to accommodate to new circumstances. But suppose you learn something early on, which somehow turns this ability to reconsider, off – what then? You will go through life thinking that the first axiom is the right one, indeed the only one available to you, ever, whatever else happens. And this is precisely where the problem lies.
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A man of 80 – let’s call him Jack – came to my clinic, because his wife wanted to stop him insisting on driving his car over the cliff – altogether reminiscent of tumbling lava. Working on the basis that this was irrational, I asked him about his past. He found it very difficult to tell me – so we went round in circles for a week or two. Eventually he gained enough confidence, and enough trust in me, to tell me that at the age of about two, his father, on returning from the First World War – so you can tell how long ago this was – picked him up, and pretended to throw him out of the window. His father was doing it for a joke. The effect on Jack was entirely understandable. What he learnt about this curious world was that at any moment some enormous being could lift you up and jettison you to certain destruction. And being only two, and very much smaller than this enormous being, there was nothing you could do about it. It was too painful a memory to be thought about, so it remained stuck. All through his school days he kept looking over his shoulder, to see if the window-thrower was coming back. Throughout his adult life, he kept a wary eye on what he was convinced would happen next. By the time he got to 80 years old, he decided enough was enough, there was no remedy against such a huge adversary, so he could take no more and decided self-destruction was the only way out. Human beings learn what they are taught; otherwise we could never get anywhere. Jack was inadvertently taught that being dangled over a lethal drop was a perfectly ‘normal’ occurrence in this world, and that there was nothing you could do about it. Worse – if you thought about it, or discussed this otherwise alarming fact with anyone else, that would merely ensure your being slung into the abyss even quicker. Here the mind is not doing what it should and – as in leg disease – it won’t take you where you want to go.
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THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM So here we have a mind-paralysis, even more devastating than leg paralysis. Something enormous among the mental furniture is distorting normal healthy human ingenuity, inhibiting thought. The islanders do not see the lava as life-burning – their minds are elsewhere. To us the lava is all-potent. But the islanders see it differently. In an important sense, they have trained themselves not to see it. Jack too, trained himself not to think about his appalling episode – he judged that it was better to pretend it hadn’t happened. He was in denial. You will find this word ‘denial’ cropping up all the time in this book – read those bits especially carefully – they hold the key. Once you can see things for real, they lose their terror – just as Elisabetta describes so eloquently. The human mind is enormously resilient – it tackles prodigiously difficult challenges, and it generally wins. So how can intelligent, well behaved, thoughtful people like Elisabetta still end up doing something they vowed they’d never do? Elisabetta’s vows could not have been clearer. The key, as this book shows so clearly, is that you simply don’t have the option – or more accurately, you don’t give yourself the option. And the reason why you don’t is exactly the same as the reason it is still there – this whole area of mental furniture is too fraught, it is too frightening to approach – so it isn’t. Even life-threatening lava flows can’t dislodge it. It takes a while to get your head round the fact that something big enough to cause thinking to seize up is persistently invisible to the person thus seized. Yet, if you think about it, the explanation is simple enough. It is because the mind still sees the one doing the blocking as huge – so it cannot now see that it has long since left the scene. Jack must have known his father was no longer big enough to throw him anywhere – but he could not bring himself to think this, since the
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view of his dad he kept locked away in his head, still dominated his thinking organ. To criticize Dad would inevitably upset him, and he’d be slung into the void, just as he was about to be when he was two. The elephant is big enough to pull all the wrong strings, and awesome enough to become unthinkable, and therefore invisible. KEEP THE FAITH If your emotions are grinding you, if your family is stifling you, then read this book page by page, and keep reading it. Make notes and then read it again. Talk about it with all the major emotional players in your life, get them to read it. Emotions are odd – they trip up the very person they should be clearest to. Here we have an honest, powerful, imaginative, creative woman telling it like it is. If you want to know what it’s like for you, what is really going on in the engine room of your remarkable mind – then read this book, digest it, and don’t let it pass you by. This is a book I would have found hard if not impossible to write myself – such stark honesty and clarity about inmost thoughts and fears. How does she manage to ‘be there’ through all the early ghastliness? It’s like a Greek tragedy – you can see it about to happen with a sickening inevitability, you can see the circumstances falling into place with a deadening thud – you can see that her daughter is going to be abused in precisely the same way she was, going to be eviscerated, going to be strung out to dry, with all her glorious creativity, delightfulness, capacity to be happy and to create happiness in others – all withering on the vine with the inevitability of the worst cynic in the world. Like the best thrillers, you keep pinching yourself, muttering “well she must survive because she is still alive to tell the story at the end, in the first person.”
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Don’t put this book down until you have squeezed the miracle message out from it. Because it’s not so much what’s in the book, but what’s in the person who wrote it, and not so much in her only, but what she evokes in you, what resonances she pulls out of your mental furniture. And the most remarkable aspect is that you are alive, as she was when she wrote it, and I am when writing this foreword. How tragic that so many go through life crippled by the burdens imposed by incompetent parenting – when there is so much more to life than dismal kindergartens. Keep the faith. Read this book and find out how Elisabetta blossomed – and always remember, if she can, so can you. Dr. Bob Johnson Consultant Psychiatrist Isle of Wight, U.K.
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SPECIAL DEDICATIONS
To Lucy Lyon A special thanks for her courage, deep commitment and strong determination to learn, provide loving support and work with me during this venture. I want to dedicate a special acknowledgment and express my profound gratitude to Lucy whose invaluable and generous assistance and energy made it possible to publish this book in English. It was originally written in Italian, my mother language, in early 2002 when I was living in Spain. In 2005 Lucy accepted the idea of helping with the editing and I began to translate the manuscript into English. The original text was not merely translated but it evolved and was enriched by new insights I gained and experiences I had been through since I came back to live in Singapore with my daughter, Stella. Lucy helped me to piece my story and message together in English, clearly and concisely. Her deep understanding of the material, her honesty in thinking and her high capacity for synthesis and clarity came as wonderful and most precious gifts. Her genuine interest and deep emotional understanding of the issues discussed while translating and editing the book, very often motivated me to vocalize more than what I originally intended. Also thanks to Lucy, this book can spread the message I’d intended to send out around the world when I first decided to write. Thanks, Lucy! You did fantastic work! Your presence in my life fueled my willpower and helped me to run the extra mile!
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To Alfredo Villa A special thanks goes to Alfredo Villa, for blindly believing in this book project. I will always be indebted to the generosity of his heart and his capacity to be a childlike soul. Thanks, Alfredo! Your presence in my life provided the fantastic opportunity for my dream to come true.
To Leonardo Talpo A special thanks to my husband Leonardo, for always being at my side while I was writing and experiencing some of the most challenging and truthful moments of my life. Thanks, Leonardo! Your integrity and loyalty allowed me to freely speak the truth from my heart.
To Stella A huge thanks to my daughter Stella, whose authenticity has inspired my fighting spirit to break free. Thanks, Stella! To your brightening soul I owe what I am today.
Elisabetta Franzoso
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Part I: The Story
26
Introduction
29
Chapter 1:
Awareness
46
Chapter 2:
Responsibility
64
Chapter 3:
Action
85
Chapter 4:
Focus
107
Chapter 5:
Bridging Past with Present
128
Chapter 6:
Emotional Addictions
152
Chapter 7:
Discipline
172
Chapter 8:
Motivation
184
Chapter 9:
Balance
194
Chapter 10:
Relationships
222
Chapter 11:
Love
233
Epilogue
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Introduction
Facing a painful past is a task we want to avoid forever. The problem is that the pain we have been made to feel when we were children lives in our unconscious and subconscious mind: we cannot run from it. I was an abused child. I was abused physically, verbally, emotionally and sexually. The hurt I suppressed subconsciously influenced and conditioned my daily actions as I grew up and interacted with the world around me. It caused me to choose behaviors and attitudes that were self-defeating to my physical, intellectual and emotional well-being. Knowingly or unknowingly, for better or worse, we carry what we learned and experienced from our childhood interactions in our family of origin into adulthood. In facing my own demons, I was able to unmask my denial. I started to understand how overwhelming and suppressed emotions were subconsciously driving me, at times changing my moods in a flash and setting me up in awful conflict with those I loved the most: my daughter, husband, parents and friends. In exploring my pain, I was capable of forgiving and of reawakening the wise and strong side of me. I didn’t forget though. Forgetfulness, I believe, is a vice, not a virtue. I believe that though we must forgive, we are required to remember; in so doing we are empowered to conduct our lives in new and positive ways. Five years ago, as a result of my personal and spiritual transformation from a dysfunctional mother and wife with an eating disorder and a compulsive inability to give voice to my needs and wants, I decided to reveal my story and I started to write with the intent of inspiring others to reflect on the dynamic of their relationships as mothers, fathers, spouses, daughters, sons and friends. This book is an invitation to heal and develop the willpower and 26
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endurance necessary to confront the past and its unresolved pain, if we experienced anything less than nurturing in childhood. It is a call to look inside, discover, take responsibility and decide to let go of denial. The denial that makes us self-righteous, selfcentered and indifferent; the denial that prevents us from discovering the gifts of our past and present tribulations; and finally the denial that allows us to justify that everything is okay in our present life. This book is an appeal to reconnect to the original source of unconditional love that we all are at the origin of our life. It is a request to investigate the meaning of real forgiveness, the most required ingredient to detoxify our bodies and souls from negative emotions and self-defeating beliefs and to start living without bitter regrets, in peace and joy. My sincere wish is that sharing my story may somehow contribute to break the walls of denial and indifference still surrounding the issue of child abuse and neglect, and its dramatic influence in adulthood. Abuse and neglect not only affect children for the rest of their lives, they also have an immense impact on everyone in their family. Future generations will also bear the consequences. Take your time and be patient with yourself as you read. The scars of childhood leave their imprint deep within us. They are not easy to recognize, accept and let go of. And keep in mind that when we decide to heal and transform, we need not remake ourselves into someone else but simply re-awaken what is already in us, reaffirming our wholeness in the eyes of God. I offer this work with a prayer that it may, in some way, serve to alleviate the suffering of other human beings.
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Can we live happily everafter, in our newly global society? We can assuredly live a great deal more happily, both individually and globally, if we see more clearly what is around us, and indeed where the emotions inside us come from. Bob Johnson, Emotional Health, page 269
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Chapter 1: Awareness
30
The Beginning
30
Looking Inside
36
Denial
38
Guilt and Shame
42 Stella’s Poem — Bitch 45
Reflections
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Chapter 1: Awareness The Beginning When I was 34, my 21-year-old stepdaughter attempted suicide once again and I found myself sitting beside my husband in a counselor’s office. We were seeking guidance to see how we could help her and deal with it ourselves. Little did I know then how profoundly this meeting was going to impact my life and the lives of many others. After a couple of sessions, my husband said he had had enough counseling; he stopped attending the meetings with our therapist but I kept on going, alone. I was determined to continue because I knew deep down that there was something not quite right about my behavior as a mother with my own daughter, Stella, and also as a wife to my husband Leonardo. Truth be known, I had wanted to address this niggling suspicion for a long time but I hadn’t known how. While my stepdaughter recovered, I fell apart over my own personal issues.
Looking Inside Some people don’t like to be awakened. Most do not. Most would rather sleep. The world is in the condition that it’s in because the world is full of sleepwalkers. Neale Donald Walsch, Conversation with God, page 191
I am fully aware today that it was my daughter, Stella, who was the main catalyst for my awakening. I can honestly state this truth, finally free from the protective mechanisms of denial: for years I abused her physically, verbally and emotionally. Why one afternoon I so suddenly became conscious of my 30
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destructive behavior and was able to take action to stop the vicious cycle I was trapped in, is still a mystery to me. I chose to believe God planted a seed of awareness inside my body and mind, which enabled me to see more clearly. It gave me the strength to stop pretending that everything was okay and helped me to remove the masks I had been wearing in front of others for a long time. A positive and strong voice within gave me the courage to let go of my denial, look inside and ask for help: help to stop those irrational outbursts, help to protect my daughter from my insane attacks of madness, and help to change and break away from the negative aspects of my family’s legacy. Help to become honest with myself! At first I didn’t know what kind of help I needed or where I was going to get it. I did know that I needed God’s guidance to free me from the rage that was blinding me, dictating my behaviors and disrupting Stella’s, my husband’s and my own life. It was such a harmful and unpredictable rage that I was in danger of seriously harming, maiming, maybe killing someone - possibly even myself. I had sought help before. When I was 21, I was mature and strong enough to be able to admit that some of my behaviors were unusual and different from those of my friends and others my age. I was often negative, angry and resentful. I could lose my self-control and show pure rage over simply a minor misunderstanding. At home I was the one blamed for any troublesome situation or for others’ difficulties. I was the problem, the black sheep. I felt completely isolated and alone. No matter how much I tried to behave and to be who they wanted me to be, my family couldn’t embrace me unconditionally. They did not welcome that part of me that was rebellious and aggressive. They never asked themselves why I was behaving that way. In early childhood I was always fearful and submissive and then, when growing up, two conflicting sides of me started to surface: I had the face of an angel but beneath my mask was a temper that could strike like a thunderbolt. In my teenage years I was extremely careful not to do anything that would reinforce my parents’ rejection. I didn’t stay out late, smoke, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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drink alcohol or experiment with drugs. I was in total self-control! Very often and regularly though, due to too much self-constraint, I used to explode unreasonably. In those moments, despite all my efforts to be the obedient girl and buy their parental love, Mum and Dad would judge me and look at me as if I was crazy. After years of being told that something was wrong with me I began to wonder if it was true and to question my mental sanity. It was this questioning that one day led me to make the decision to see a psychologist; I was referred to an experienced doctor, who was also a psychiatrist. I remember thinking that this was a blessing as he would be able to confirm whether or not I was a schizophrenic or had a personality disorder - a possibility I had considered because of my sudden aggressive reactions and my family’s accusations. The psychologist’s assessment of my situation took me entirely by surprise. I had a few one-hour sessions with him. During the last one he told me in a clinical, detached manner that my case seemed straightforward. He said that most probably since my birth my mother had unconsciously and for unknown reasons developed a love-hate relationship with me. On the one hand, she loved me and adored me: I was her beloved daughter, a princess that no prince could even consider aspiring to. On the other hand, she was unconsciously competing with me. I was able to rebel in order to achieve my goals and dreams in a way that she probably had wished she had done when she was young. She had never found the courage, though, to stand up against her authoritarian and abusive father. As far as I was concerned, I was developing my individuality and spirit of freedom, something my mum had never been able to do. Each day I was becoming more and more of a mirror for her, like every child is to his/her parents. I was reflecting all she could have been if she had stood up for herself and her own emotional demands. The anger and resentment this triggered in her she took out on me, physically and verbally. According to that psychologist I needed to leave my family home as soon as possible and get out of that toxic environment. This 32
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action would enable me to break away from the negative behaviors I had already adopted from my family: unhealthy dynamics I had experienced and submitted to for too many years and that I had come to hate. I remember him strongly warning me not to look to marriage as an easy way out. I had to take the initiative to leave of my own free will and find a way to support myself and be independent financially and emotionally for a while. In this way, he believed I could avoid repeating my family’s dysfunctional behavioral patterns. I felt he wanted to help me more when he requested for my mum to come along to a session. I was open to this idea, and in fact pleased by it. I needed to confront my mum; there were things we needed to discuss that we hadn’t been able to effectively on our own. Now there was the opportunity to do so with the help and support of an objective party. She initially agreed and then never kept the appointment, manipulating the situation in such a way that she didn’t have to be confronted with the truth of who she really was behind her own masks. The psychologist’s advice sounded so simple, but the reality was not. I still had six courses to do before I could graduate from the University of Pavia. The only money I had was from teaching English or music on Friday afternoons and Saturdays. I was in a challenging relationship with a young man who was twenty-one, like me, and dependent financially on his family too. How could I simply pack up my bags and leave? Regretfully I stopped seeing my psychologist. I had found someone who could objectively understand my situation and inner sense of guilt, but without my parents’ financial support I could not afford to continue my sessions with him. I remained at home with my family for the next couple of years. I continued to wonder whether I would end up being crazy. I prayed to God to help me find a way to move out, like I used to do as a little girl when I desperately wanted someone to come and free me from the madness of my family home. I never gave up on the idea that somehow, one day, I would be able to escape from that toxic, chaotic environment. It was two years later that I was given the opportunity to move STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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out. It unexpectedly arrived on a small piece of paper that my brother passed to me before it got lost or thrown away. A telephone number was the key to my journey to freedom from my dysfunctional past. It was Antonellina’s telephone number; she was an old school friend with whom I had lost contact after finishing high school. I called her straightaway. A few days later, thanks to her suggestion during our phone call, I was in touch with her brother’s best friend who worked for an export company situated a fifteen-minute drive away from my home. Despite still needing to complete three courses and my final thesis at university, I was in the enviable position of having the opportunity to apply for a secure job as well as a very interesting career in the field I had always dreamed of. The job application and interview procedure were incredibly challenging but I was amazed and thrilled to see that I’d managed to get through. This contradicted the message I had absorbed since childhood: that I was not good enough and that something was wrong with me. However, a negative voice coming from within still kept reminding me of my inadequacy. My self-esteem was so low; my sense of self was completely non-existent! My final interview was with a female psychologist from Milan and to my surprise it went amazingly well. I left her office on a cold winter’s day, walking on air. She had showered me with compliments on my various gifts and skills, and she had expressed her wish that one day her own daughter would develop the positive qualities she perceived in me as a young adult. On the 28th of February 1986, I received the news that they wanted me to start working as soon as possible. I was suddenly thrown into confusion. Though this could open doors to freedom, it was not what I had been planning. I spent hours sitting alone inside my parents’ car, crying, trying to decide what to do. Before Antonellina had contacted me, my plan had been to finish university, then with the money I had saved over four years from working part time, I had dreamed of traveling to the USA to study for six months as well as enjoying a much deserved holiday. I wanted to have some fun and 34
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a break from the oppression and drama of my family life. Then I would come back, find a stable job, rent a flat and live on my own. I had considered this plan to be my path towards freedom. Now, I had another option and I began to realize that this was the real route to freedom, although it would be the more challenging one. If I started work straight away and earned money, giving up my dream holiday and time to study in the USA, I would soon be able to afford to rent an apartment and leave home for good. Revealing this story to Marilyn Shearer, my first counselor in Singapore, twelve years later, it became evident that simply leaving home hadn’t been enough to enable me to avoid repeating my mother’s cycle of negative behaviors as an abusive, angry mother and wife. I hadn’t fully followed the psychologist’s advice. After five months of working, I had moved out of home and gone to live alone. I was financially self-sufficient but certainly not emotionally independent. I had met Leonardo, my future husband, only one month after starting work. He supported me emotionally in taking the final step to leave my parents and my home. It was not long before we were living together. After my first few sessions with Marilyn, I became aware that becoming responsible for my emotional health by continuing with an intense course of counseling would be quite a task. As I told her about my past she started to ask questions that pressed painful buttons, triggering sorrow and distant images I’d pushed to the back of my mind, which often left me in floods of tears. I had, until then, blocked so many negative memories. As they surfaced, I became aware of a terrible heaviness and sickness in my stomach. This was emotional pain I had disconnected from and that had been accumulating, layer by layer inside me, over the years. Marilyn lovingly supported and guided me during that period. She rescued me from true madness, a madness that had started to become reality years before in my early adolescence. After a few months, Marilyn knew all there was to know about my past. During this time I was married to Leonardo, a divorced man STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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eleven years older than me, who was already the father of two young children. I adored him and yet our relationship was a challenging one. Despite being physically distant from my mother and having little contact with her, she still seemed to have a profound emotional hold over me, which prevented me from really being myself. I was working in a marketing job that Leonardo had created for me when we had moved to Singapore from Jakarta, where we’d gone to live a year after having our first child. I didn’t know whether I loved my work or if I was simply tolerating it in fear of displeasing my husband. The most distressing part of my present was that I was struggling in my relationship with my then four-year-old daughter, Stella. I loved her so much but couldn’t stop myself from behaving in a dysfunctional way towards her, just like my mother had done with me for so many years. I had started to repeat her negative behavioral patterns.
Denial Repression is one of the most important Freudian processes, and it is the basis of many other ego defenses and neurotic disorders. It is a means of defense through which threatening or painful thoughts and feelings are excluded from awareness. Freud explained repression as an involuntary removal of something from consciousness. It is assumed that most of the painful events of the first 5 years of life are so excluded, yet these events do influence later behavior. Gerald Corey, Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy, page 71
After one year of intense counseling with Marilyn, I started to study for an exam in general psychology with the Center for American Education in Singapore. I devoted time to finding out more about the
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nature of human memory. I began to understand the complexity of the part of our brain that retains information and how all memories are stored as if in a filing cabinet. The amount of time they spend in the filing cabinet and how easily accessible they are, depends on the types of memories. Through what I was experiencing in counseling and my study of psychology, I learned that the more positive memories are easy to find and retrieve. On the other hand, the negative ones are usually hidden in the filing cabinet, apparently forgotten. Who would want to recall them? When necessary, we can temporarily remove awful reminiscences from our active consciousness. We can make ourselves believe they have disappeared forever. In reality they are just in the back of the filing cabinet. This is a natural self-defense mechanism built to protect ourselves. Some of us may have awful memories, such as those of abuse, neglect, violence, abandonment or other childhood traumas, which if not locked away, may crop up unexpectedly, usually at a time in life when we are not able or ready to deal effectively with them. Indeed the healthy intent of our mind is to preserve our psychological and emotional well-being. In Toxic Parents, Susan Forward, who specializes in child abuse, clearly affirms: “The only way many victims can survive their early incest trauma is to mount a psychological cover-up, pushing these memories so far beneath conscious awareness that they may not surface for many years, if ever. Incest memories often come flooding back unexpectedly because of some particular life event. I‘ve had clients report memories being triggered by such things as the birth of a child, marriage, death of a family member, seeing something about incest in the media, or even reliving the trauma in a dream. It is also common for these memories to surface if the victim is in therapy working on other issues, though many victims still won’t mention the incest without prodding from the therapist. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Even when these memories emerge, many victims panic and try to push them back by refusing to believe them.” In reality all our experiences remain recorded in a part of our brain and stored in the cells of our body. The most interesting thing is that, according to the different mechanisms of self-defense in each individual, memories long forgotten can be triggered by any circumstance associated with the initial traumatic event just as others can be buried forever.
Guilt and Shame Until my daughter, Stella, was four years old, I hit her and verbally abused her. I can’t remember the number of times I did it. Today, as I am writing, it seems a lifetime ago and most memories of my actions are blurred and confused. I do, however, have one distinct memory of a time I abused her, a memory that won’t let me forget or deny my awful behavior. Why are my memories of all the other times I maltreated her so vague? I believe this is my self-defense mechanism in practice. As a mother it would be too painful for me to remember vividly every time I released my rage by hitting my young, unprotected daughter. To preserve my own mental health, details of those terrible episodes have been hidden in a locked drawer of that filing cabinet in my brain. I cannot consciously access them. I believe God has provided us with this self-defense mechanism for a good reason. It is sometimes better to remove and deny our traumatic experiences which would otherwise cause us so much pain, shame and distress to the point that they could be a danger to our mental well-being. The memory which has never left me is of the afternoon I threw myself onto Stella’s bed and started to hurt her. I hit her small, fragile body. I viciously yanked her hair and threw insults at her. I was screaming irrationally, driven by a force I could not control. Stella was crying and frozen in shock. Her innocent blue eyes were open wide with astonishment, unable to fathom the reason for my irrational 38
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behavior towards her. What was worse, I could not comprehend the reason for my awful sudden actions and could not control myself in order to stop them. All I remember is a feeling of rage, which came from deep inside me, erupted. As quickly as it had arrived, the rage left, and as my calm returned, I stumbled out of Stella’s room exhausted and confused. I went to the living room, abandoning Stella on her bed, alone, and I will never know what she was thinking or feeling as I left her there. At that time my focus, as always, shifted to myself. I was such a self-centered mum! As I sat in the living room I began to be consumed by a deep sense of guilt and shame. I was going to have to deal with it somehow, to enable everything to go back to normal. I would act as if my outburst had never happened. This was what usually happened after these awful episodes. This time though, it was different. Crying in desperation, trying to grasp why I behaved in this atrocious way, I didn’t notice my little daughter silently approach me until she was right at my side. She was trembling with fear, uncertain if the nightmare was over. I looked up and saw her beautiful face framed with golden curls that now clung to her cheeks, damp from her tears. As my eyes met hers she put her tiny hands on my knees and I heard her full of remorse, gently and humbly pleading, “Mummy, please forgive me!” It was in that precise moment that a memory came flooding back from my past. It was as if a cloud of fog was lifting. In shock I remembered all the times I had to humbly ask for forgiveness from my mum when I was a little child, just as Stella was doing then. She used to hit me, just like I was hitting Stella, and I was never able to understand why. A voice from deep within surfaced and spoke to me, “Look at you, Elisabetta! It is you who should be begging for forgiveness from your daughter, not your innocent child asking for you to forgive her. Aren’t you ashamed?” I realize today that it was the voice of my conscience. As I listened to this voice and looked at Stella, my angelic four-year-old daughter who believed she was to blame for my disgraceful behavior, I knew I needed help. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Two years later I recalled this episode to Mr. Bonadies, an American psychologist based in Singapore, who I chose to see after ending an intense cycle of counseling with Marilyn. He gently led me to understand that it was that afternoon in front of the beautiful yet terror-filled eyes of my daughter that I had been awoken and had begun, without realizing it, my journey of self-awareness. If I could keep myself from thinking! I try, and succeed: my head seems to fill with smoke… and then it starts again: “Smoke… not to think… don’t want to think… I think I don’t want to think. I must think that I don’t want to think. Because that’s still a thought.” Will there never be an end to it? Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea, quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 81 After each episode of abusing Stella I would suddenly find myself thrown into confusion as a thousand negative and unhealthy thoughts and emotions filled my mind and my heart. An overwhelming sense of guilt and shame would come over me. Day by day my rage was building and my daughter, my own flesh and blood, was becoming the easy target. Slowly, rather than confronting the harsh reality of my situation and taking action to change, I sank deeper into denial, indulging in toxic guilt and shame. Guilt and shame: two of the most destructive emotions! If you don’t know how to manage them, my experience is that they can and will sit heavily on your chest. Like rocks, they crush you; they squeeze the color of life out of you, leaving you empty and paralyzed in deep darkness. Guilt and shame do not allow you to dance, sing, love or be loved. They do not give you permission to live passionately and freely. Guilt and shame make you their prisoner and trap you. How
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many times could I have been set free simply by revealing my inner sickness - first to myself, then to a friend - sharing the secret of the dysfunctional mother and wife I had become? Freedom was mine if I just peeled off the layers of denial and revealed who I really was. But it was too hard, seemingly impossible. It was easier to find protection hiding behind a mask, ignoring the reality, minimizing the issue and labeling my behavior as taboo or blaming others around me. It was less painful to give control to my toxic guilt and shame. It was much simpler to avoid taking ownership of who I truly was and thus not showing others the real me. Guilt and shame made me scared of being negatively judged and rejected by others. They made me believe I was inadequate and that it was better to hide my truth. But even worse was my ignorance, my lack of awareness of how much more damage I could do to my daughter, husband and to my self-esteem, if I kept ignoring reality and didn’t ask for help. If only people could realize what an enrichment it is to find one’s own guilt, what a sense of honour and spiritual dignity! ...Error is just as important a condition of life’s progress as truth. Dr. Carl Jung, Psychological Reflections, quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 53 And while I am writing, I realize with sadness how many times my mum must have found herself in a similar situation to mine. Her mind full of smoke and her entire being filled with toxic guilt and shame. How many times did my own mum find herself unable to understand why she behaved so inhumanely and out of control? On how many occasions did she feel that she couldn’t ask for help, presuming she would be judged and labeled by others who wouldn’t understand her?
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I saw her lost, crying in silence, consumed by guilt and shame, which made her hide in bed for days so many times. Poisonous guilt and shame drained all her energy and ate her up inside and out. It is clear to me today, more than ever before, that as a little girl I was witnessing the silent pain and desperation of a woman hopelessly trapped in toxic feelings. My mum’s drama was my own drama. As a little girl I vividly remember not understanding what was happening to her. Ironically, the feeling of uncertainty surrounding my entire being was the only thing I could be sure of. One day everything seemed to be so colorful, and another would suddenly turn gray or black. One day there was peace and joy and the next violence, anger, and the screams of an unhealthy mother who could suddenly lose control of her mind and actions. When my mum was insanely hitting me I often heard her screaming: “If only you and your brother had never been born, my life would have been so different and happier.” What a burden to put on the shoulders of an innocent child. How many times I begged her to stop hurting me. I was in so much pain, physically and emotionally. But even as I begged, she could never hear me. In those moments, my mother was another woman, a monster that I hated so much!
Bitch What do I have to do, To make it all stop? Just to make the chaos pause, For at least a while. I can’t take it when someone yells anymore, Coz it reminds me of her. She helped me a lot, But all I feel for her is hate. She thinks she’s the only one with pain.
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The only one who has to go through life like this. Miserably. Bitch. What do I have to do, To make the tears freeze? Before they dry out my eyes, Every time I cry. I can’t take it when someone yells anymore, Coz it reminds me of her. She helped me a lot, But all I feel for her is hate. She thinks she’s the only one with pain. The only one who has to go through life like this. Miserably. Bitch. She always tries to hurt me, And she never sees it. She tries to gain revenge, When she tells me it is the wrong thing to do. Well let me clue you in Mother, I hate you. © 2005 Stella Talpo As a child I could sense that daily my mum was deeply miserable and in great distress. She used to say she was happy with my dad. But I knew she was not. She used to repeatedly tell others how much she deeply loved her father, my granddad, and the boss of our home. But in my heart, I knew she was not being true to herself by saying so. As many children do in many similar circumstances, I learned to be responsible for her happiness and, unknowingly, I started to try my best to do things which could make her smile when I was around her! STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Somehow I always ended up saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, causing her even greater unhappiness and sorrow. As a young kid I tried to make sense of why my mum was reacting harshly towards me, often trying to repress my childish spirit with her uncontrolled violent and aggressive response. The only reason I could come up with was that maybe I was the cause of her miserable life. I thought I must be fundamentally bad and had done something truly wrong for my mum to lash out at me. I started to believe I must have been an accident and that my mum had never really wanted me, contrary to what I always heard her say to everybody else. I held the belief that I was ruining her existence. From a young age, I considered myself unwanted, a problem, a troublemaker and I felt inadequate. Maybe these were Stella’s thoughts and feelings too when I lashed out at her with irrational anger, anger that was masking my loneliness and unhappiness. Was this what Stella was thinking and feeling when that day, trembling with fear and with tears streaming down her beautiful face, she humbly came to beg for my forgiveness? History was repeating itself. However, the day I became aware of this was the day I began to ensure this part of my family history was resolved and was no longer repeated. I knew I needed help. It was this seemingly simple and humble act of asking for help that saved me from continuing to pass on negative behavioral patterns that had existed and run through my family of origin for generations. Freud once explained that when one looks at a crystal, the place where that crystal is broken is the place that most clearly reveals its structure. We can discover its essence by examining where it cracked. In the same way, our own wounds can be vehicle for exploring our essential nature, revealing the deepest textures of our heart and soul, if only we will sit still with them, open ourselves to the pain, and allow ourselves to be taught, without holding back, without blame. Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart, page 8
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REFLECTIONS
This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before.
You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Awareness: what is awareness for me? Is awareness important for myself, my family and life? And if so, why?
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Chapter 2: Responsibility
47 Asking for Help 52 The Mask 57 The Legacy 59 The Truth 63
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Chapter 2: Responsibility
Asking for Help If you want to change the way you are with your sons, and your daughters, then my experience is you need to feel how you were hurt, and how you were wounded. Marvin Allen quoted in: Manhood by Steve Biddulph, page 207 The process of counseling was a real challenge; nevertheless, it was a wonderful journey too. Through it I learned that the pain, anger and negativity stored from my past were feelings that wouldn’t disappear magically with time. They would continue to dwell in my subconscious and unconscious, day by day, year by year, affecting my actions and reactions, and sabotaging my relationships with others. In counseling I came to understand that as an adult, I was still acting out behaviors and attracting relationships that re-enacted experiences and feelings coming from my childhood, despite them often being negative and self-destructive. Why would I do that? Because that was all I knew and all I was familiar with. Finally, through the process of counseling, I found out that as long as I consciously resisted exploring my past and continued to deny, ignore or minimize what had happened in my childhood, it would keep on chasing me. I would never set myself free from my prison of dysfunctional behaviors. Marilyn had made me aware from the start that revisiting the past and the emotions connected to the early years of my life didn’t mean staying stuck there. I was gaining awareness that understanding and embracing my past was relevant in order to understand and embrace STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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my present. I needed to stop denying that my past experiences could still influence and unconsciously motivate my daily life. The task was first to acknowledge and process what happened in the past and then to recognize that despite all the pain it caused, it had brought me many amazing gifts. This is the undeniable truth I have discovered in my journey of transformation; the truth I use today as a foundation for my life and my work. Memories flood in. Often there are tears, angry outbursts, sadness for what has been lost. So much time has been wasted pretending to be who others wanted. But also, there’s a new energy that comes from making connections, from choosing awareness over denial and from the telling of secrets. Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, page 26 My mum was never able to ask for help and therefore failed to take responsibility for her actions as a woman, wife and mother. To ask for help, she would have had to recognize and admit her dysfunctional behaviors, her powerlessness to control them and her extreme vulnerability; she would have had to let go of her denial that everything was okay! In doing so, she would have opened doors to rooms where she had safely locked away years of inner pain, pain that she probably didn’t want to feel or confront: pain that originated in her distant childhood, just like mine. Looking back, I believe all of this was too challenging for her, a woman who on the outside was so strong yet inside so fragile. My mum chose, like many of us do, to live in denial. She repressed her pain by denying that her childhood was unhappy, that her father was extremely abusive and that her mother was irresponsible. In order to survive the pain she experienced as a little girl she rationalized negative events and situations. She idealized her aggressive dad, painting a picture of the perfect man who never existed in reality. She 48
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minimized the traumatic event of being abandoned by her mum when she was only one year old and left in the hands of her father. Like many of us, my mum never processed the emotional hurts she endured during her childhood. She never vocalized her anger for being the scapegoat of her parents’ emotional instability. In so doing, she built up layers of self-defeating emotions, which, with time, trapped her in a cycle of masochistic behaviors. Over the years she grew increasingly resentful of her own mum and dad. The dysfunctional family womb teaches its members to deny what is really happening. It invalidates the experiences and the feelings of its innocent children. It teaches mistrust of others and of self. It teaches them that they are at fault. It teaches them that they are not wanted (if they were wanted, their caregivers would be happy). It teaches them that they are bad seeds. It teaches them that they are not in pain. It teaches them that they are not scared. It teaches them that they are not seeing, hearing and feeling what they are seeing, hearing and feeling. The reality of their experiences is denied. The world is the way their caregivers say it is, even if it isn’t. They feel bad because they are told they are bad. They learn to hate themselves. They learn to hate their lives. They may even learn to hate being alive. As the children master the art of denial, feelings and memories are “forgotten” through repression. Emotional pain is numbed. At first it is numbed through fantasy and later it is numbed through anger, acting out, alcohol, drugs, and even self-injury. As the years roll by, more and more pain is accumulated and repressed. The brain stores the pain deep inside itself. Rage and depression emerge from this cauldron of numbed agony. Moods change without notice. Relationships become stormy. Success in school and work is impaired. Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders, pages 18-19
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Another issue that prevented my mum from asking for help was that she had never been taught how to. Raised by an authoritarian father and educated at a very young age to put others’ needs before hers, she grew up wearing the mask of the good girl. She believed that only through helping others and giving love to others could she herself be accepted and cared for; therefore, she had to prove that she didn’t have any physical or emotional demands of her own. She identified herself as a woman who was always strong, energetic, independent and available for others. For her to admit she might need help would have been synonymous with failure: the failure to play her role as the good girl. As a child, without her masks, she feared she would be rejected and unloved. As an adult, she grew in fear she would be rejected and unloved if she admitted the truth: that she was vulnerable and needed help and that not everything in her life was fine. Nobody knew the woman my mum was at home, the woman she must have been so ashamed of being. In public she always wore her happy and loving masks. She compulsively did things for others. She was a doer. People never had to ask for her help as she had always offered it first. I now understand that her generosity and obsessive doing for others were behaviors fueled by her unconscious need for acceptance and love; they were unhealthy and neurotic. In reality they were driven by fear, toxic guilt and shame. The ‘unselfish’ person ‘does not want anything for himself’: he ‘lives only for others’, is proud that he does not consider himself important. He is puzzled to find that in spite of his unselfishness he is unhappy, and that his relationships to those closest to him are unsatisfactory. Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 48 I, like my mother, wore the masks of happiness, love and generosity in public for a long time. Nobody knew the real me. Nobody 50
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was aware of what was happening within the walls of my family home or within my heart. I built up a façade, as my mother had done and as I now understand, through my work as a coach and counselor, many families often do. Why did I do that? Out of fear that acknowledging the truth, admitting my weakness and asking for help would result in being judged, rejected and unloved. This reasoning is rooted in a belief I absorbed during my childhood, that to ask for help is to put ourselves first and that is selfish. Growing up modeling the example of my mum, I transformed myself into a woman able to be loving and generous only with others but not with herself. Indeed, I felt that to be kind to myself was being self-centered and therefore selfish. What my mum and I were never aware of, was that love for ourselves and love for others are not mutually exclusive. Healthy love does not sacrifice our needs for others’, nor does it sacrifice their needs for our own needs. When it does, it becomes neurotic love. It’s okay to be selfish when we can understand that being selfish is a simple act of self-care! Today I believe that making myself a priority, when I am physically and emotionally exhausted, is not being selfish. As Erich Fromm writes in his The Art of Loving: “The selfish person is interested only in himself, wants everything for himself, feels no pleasure in giving, but only in taking. The world outside is looked at only from the standpoint of what he can get out of it: he lacks interest in the needs of others, and respect for their dignity and integrity.” When I integrated this amazing truth, I managed to break away from my mistaken belief that making my needs and myself a priority was selfish. I could drop my masks, ask for help and eventually, with the support of the counseling process, find the courage to look back at my past and become the observer of my own present compulsive behaviors. In asking for help and accepting the need to revisit my past, I realized I was taking responsibility for myself – my body, intellect, emotions and spirit. In doing so, not only did I find the key which set me free from negative emotions, thoughts and actions, I also found STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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real compassion and love for myself that finally enabled me to express healthy love and compassion for others. Choosing to honestly revisit my past was not the easy path. It was, however, the only available route which would make me truly break the chain of negative behaviors that had caused my family so much pain in the past and was continuing to in the present. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future. On some level spiritual growth, and therefore love, always requires courage and involves risk. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 140
The Mask The photos of my mother’s wedding in 1960 and mine in 1990 portray two beautiful young brides with radiant smiles. No one could guess the sadness hidden behind those smiles. It is easy to be fooled by the masks we both wore. I remember looking through my parents’ wedding album when I was about seven or eight years old. I was mesmerized by how wonderful my mum looked all dressed in white and beaming with happiness. I delighted in turning the pages and seeing her time and time again looking so beautiful and full of joy. Towards the back of the album there was a photo of my parents with their families. With my little finger I quickly but attentively worked my way through the faces trying to identify my close relatives. After a while I realized my grandmother, my mum’s mother, was not there. My mum’s parents separated when my mum was only one year old. They were never able to overcome or let go of their misunderstandings and denied hostility, and my mother told me that this was why her mum couldn’t be at her
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wedding. She said her father, who was the rich guy in control, had paid for the celebrations and therefore he was the one who decided who could be invited. Caught in his pride and self-righteousness, he had not been open to involving his ex-wife or welcoming her. He had completely ignored my mum’s emotional needs. Sitting down at my side, my mum talked me through the photos. This is one of the few memories I have of my mum being relaxed and spending quality time with me. I remember her face looking calm and gentle. It was as if she had temporarily taken off her tough mask to reveal the soft, beautiful, feminine part of herself. She shared her feelings and revealed how much she would have loved for her mum to have been there. She told me how sad she had felt and still felt in the present, at not being able to enjoy such a special and important day with her own mother. She then promised, repeatedly, that she would be at my wedding whatever the circumstances. Nobody and nothing would stop her. As a trustful young child, I firmly believed her. Despite her promise, twenty years later she went against her word. On my wedding day, the 14th of July 1990, at 10 in the morning, I received the news that my parents and my 24-year-old brother would not be coming to witness and celebrate my marriage. They had never really formally accepted my invitation. Pride and self-righteousness prevented them from giving me their blessing to marry a divorced man who had two children. One hour before leaving for the ceremony, the florist delivered a card together with three pink roses and a jewelry box containing a precious necklace and bracelet. What were those gifts? I didn’t need them; I needed my family to be with me instead. I needed my mum and my dad; I needed and wanted my brother. I needed their presence as a sign of their acceptance and love. As tears of disappointment and anger suddenly surfaced, my cousin, a witness at the wedding, and my maternal grandmother who was proudly by my side, promptly warned me that if I cried I would ruin my perfect makeup. Automatically, I froze those tears and disconnected from my true emotions. When I arrived at the registry office, my facial expression STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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and my entire demeanor were the complete opposite to what I was feeling inside. I played the part and wore the mask expected of a bride. I fixed a beautiful smile on my face. My legs were trembling, from what could have been explained as nervous excitement, as I walked into the room where I was to be married. I could not let Leonardo and our guests down, I could not disappoint them. I swallowed my tears, my disappointment and my deep hurt. I had always dreamed that it would be the happiest and most beautiful day of my life. In order to hold on to that image and to please others, I consciously denied that part of me was overwhelmed by sadness. I had totally forgotten what I had read years before in Living, Loving & Learning, a beautiful book by Leo F. Buscaglia: “You’re going to have to fight for the rest of your life in a world where people feel more comfortable if you can be there for their convenience.” I should have expressed my true feelings. I should have allowed myself to cry, scream and share my pain with others. On the contrary, I did what I had unconsciously learned to do as a child. I put on one of my masks. I took the silent road and I denied my real emotions so that I could make others happy and gain their approval. In a way this was easier for me too, I made myself believe that I was happy and that my wedding day was as perfect as I had always dreamed it would be. How often are our good intentions fulfilled? We passionately make promises and commitments to others and ourselves, then, as the weeks, months and years pass by, we allow ourselves to be swept along by the frenetic pace of life, and we simply forget them. Often we don’t even notice when we start to behave in ways that eventually lead us to break our promises and commitments. We end up doing exactly what we so vehemently intended not to do as unconscious and negative forces drive us. How could my mother forget her promise to me that she would be there on my wedding day? Today, with a new awareness, I know that my mum probably never completely either forgave her parents or let go of the old toxic anger towards them for what they did to her. If she had, she would 54
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have been able to break the chain and overcome her pride in order to be with me and celebrate such a treasured moment in my life. My mum never gave herself permission to re-experience and vocalize her destructive childish anger; therefore she never truly liberated herself from it. She never processed and released the resulting resentment and blame she bottled up for what had happened in her childhood. Like many individuals who exhibit chronically selfdestructive patterns, she was victim of what it is known as ‘cheap forgiveness’, that is, when we believe we have forgiven our past but, in the depth of our unconscious, we have not. My mum never chose to pay attention to her childhood wounds and scars, the areas of her life that needed most healing. She kept pushing her memories out of consciousness and, as a consequence of her choice, she remained caught in masochistic behaviors which prevented her from fulfilling her pledge to be present at my wedding. When, through the psychological mechanism of repression, we do push memories aside, they don’t go away; they simply transform into ghosts that haunt us and make things worse than if we remembered them. As an adult, Mum learned how to mask her true feelings very well, even to herself. When she married, she revealed a beautiful smile to the world. However, behind the mask of happiness lay an old hurt and a toxic anger that she had never expressed towards the real targets: her father, for being oblivious to her feelings and needs, and her mother, for not fighting enough to be there by her side. Anger, when silently swallowed instead of being released, more often than not becomes poisonous and transforms into pride, self-righteousness, vindictiveness, blame and silent rage. “Anger causes us to lose our selfcontrol and to say and do things we would otherwise never consider. Anger, if allowed to remain, turns into bitterness that eats away at our hearts”, Henry T. Blackaby and Richard Blackaby declare in their devotional book, Experiencing God Day-by-Day. Until we go to the root of our unresolved anger and safely STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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release it, we cannot stop re-enacting our self-destructive behaviors and true forgiveness cannot be attained. Like many do, my mum, blinded by her denial, missed taking what I believe are the three fundamental steps towards true forgiveness: first, remembering and acknowledging the crimes that had been committed towards her when she was a young girl; second, processing those crimes by healthily vocalizing the destructive anger attached to them; third, coming to the decision to finally let go. Overall, I believe that the recognition and safe expression of unresolved anger is the precondition for unconditional forgiveness. As The Holy Bible stresses, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…” (Ephesians 4:26). Caught in her pride, self-righteousness and negative feelings, my mum could not empathize with my emotional needs on the day of my wedding. She was not aware that she was repeating the past and had forgotten her promise. She had let go of her commitment. There is a word for what happens when we try to forget painful memories instead of dealing with them straightforwardly. The word is “denial”. When we deny what has happened to us, we do not really forget it, in the sense of getting it out of our system entirely. We just pack it up and store it in our emotional deepfreeze. It is like lying to ourselves: by telling ourselves that something bad did not happen – when of course we know that it did – we are only deceiving ourselves. Dr. David Stoop and Dr. James Masteller, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, page 189 I choose to believe that my mum wanted to keep her promise to me, that she truly wished to be different from her mum. How can I be so sure of this? Because I too made a promise to my daughter that I did not keep despite the real me desperately wishing I could and had.
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The Legacy Changes accumulate on the sly, gently, gently, and then suddenly explode. All at once, someone breaks the circle, decides to be different. Destiny, heredity, upbringing, where does one begin and the other end? If you stop and think about it for a single moment, you are overwhelmed by the great mystery hidden in all this. Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, page 39 In December of 1991, I fell pregnant. I remember my pregnancy being the healthiest and most peaceful period of my life. Often I regretted that the months were passing so quickly. Stella was born on 16th of September 1992, in Italy, ten days earlier than had been expected. It was a natural birth, there were no complications and my daughter arrived into this world after only a few hours of labor. God was already taking good care of my baby girl who would in the future be the light guiding me to my awakening. Holding Stella for the very first time, I felt a deep sense of inner peace. She was beautiful, so perfect and utterly lovable. Her eyes were wide open and gazed at me innocently. In those first few minutes of her life, as I marveled at her, I was overwhelmed with immense love and instinctively I made a vow. I swore I would never, ever, subject Stella to the mistreatment and neglect I had suffered as a child. I would never hit her or be verbally abusive with her. I was determined that I would never do anything to damage this precious gift that God had given me. One year later while I was on holiday, alone with Stella, I broke the promise I had made to myself and to her. From that moment on, I started to live a double life, just as my mum had done for years. In public I was the devoted, generous mother and wife; in private, my loving mask would slip to be replaced with one of impatience, anger and cruelty. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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And when I found myself totally overreacting to my toddler son, ready to beat him mercilessly, and I saw the fear in his eyes that I had in my own when I was a ravaged child – I simply snapped. I couldn’t do what my parents had done – simply couldn’t “pass on the legacy”….From there the road to recovery…began. Anonymous Internet Posting Quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 99 At first I didn’t recognize I was following my mother’s footsteps, those very footsteps I had been so resolute not to take on the day Stella was born. I could not see that I was adopting my mum’s unhealthy behaviors. Even when I did realize this, I did not grasp the fact that my rage had the same roots as my mother’s rage. Her sudden aggressive and irrational behaviors were most probably the consequence of a traumatic childhood, as were mine. I was creating the same destiny for my daughter. When Stella turned four, something began to shift inside my body and mind. When I was abusing her, it was as if a part of me split off and would leave my body to observe the scene from the outside. I would see myself behaving angrily, abusively and totally out of control. Looking on, I was frozen with shock and unable to stop the horrific scene that was unfolding in front of me. Like two sides of a coin, there became two sides of me: the sick and the healthy. I was compulsively embodying the characters of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the novel by Robert Louis Stevenson, known for its vivid portrayal of the psychopathology of a split personality. These two opposite facets had been in alliance for years and had suddenly started to battle against each other creating a deep conflict within me. The result of this internal friction was an awful paralysis of both body and mind that prevented me from taking control of my rage. Like a volcanic eruption, 58
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my fury would seemingly come from nowhere. In reality it had been building inside of me for a long time. It had gained such strength that it could break through any means of resistance and suddenly explode, resulting in disaster. The devastation caused by a volcanic eruption cannot be ignored. Similarly, the consequences of my wrath could no longer be denied. My mum was incapable of recognizing and admitting she had her own needs, physically and emotionally. Her manic doing for her husband and others meant she became stressed, exhausted, silently resentful, and then, finally, in the privacy of her own home, she would explode. Later, overwhelmed by guilt and shame, she would try to win my dad’s and others’ love and acceptance again, in the only way she knew how, blocking her feelings and compulsively doing. I, like my mum, had become an angry, abusive parent: even though the cast of characters had changed, the poisonous cycle of toxic behaviors and unfulfilled promises had been passed down from the previous generation.
The Truth Even when nothing was what it appeared to be, when everything was hidden, there was a center not even I could run from: who I truly was, what I felt, what I was deep inside. Alice Hoffman, The Ice Queen, page 165 I survived as a child, a teenager and a young adult by ignoring, minimizing, blaming and denying the ugly reality of my life. I believed the truth was hidden successfully within the walls of my family home and as long as it remained there as a secret, I could pretend it didn’t exist. When I met Leonardo and left home, I was truly convinced that I could escape my past and run away from the truth. I still didn’t know that God had a different plan for me. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Though we had been together for three years, Leonardo knew very little about my childhood. I didn’t like talking about it. Unconsciously I was uncomfortable with disclosing the reality I was determined to ignore and not repeat with my own children. One day, after years of life together, Leonardo seriously injured his back and spent two weeks in the hospital. When he came home, he brought up a conversation he had had with the patient he was sharing the room with. I had not taken much notice of the other man in the room during my visits to Leonardo. I was surprised when he told me the man had recognized me as the little girl he knew very well when he and his wife were my parents’ neighbors. As Leonardo continued to relate the man’s recollections of me as a child, vague memories began to surface, memories that drew me into myself. Leonardo’s voice became a whisper and his face a blur. I felt lost in confusion for a few minutes, unable to grasp the meaning of what was happening; however, something snapped inside me and brought me back to the present moment just as Leonardo was describing the sadness the man had felt for me when I was a young girl. He went on to tell me that this man and his wife had often heard the sounds of violence and abuse coming from my family home. They had often heard my mother being out of control and screaming at me. They assumed she was hitting me too. The man was full of remorse for not doing anything to help at that time and having been a silent party to the cruelty inflicted on an innocent child. In meeting Leonardo he had been given the chance to voice his guilt and speak the truth he had locked inside himself for years. As Leonardo recounted everything the man had said, I knew he was waiting for me to respond and give him confirmation as to whether all this was true. Memories I had buried for many years surfaced rapidly and I felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach. Vivid images came to my mind and with them the physical pain of the beatings my mother had given me. All of a sudden I remembered the man. His wife had been a 60
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friend of my mum’s for years. I remembered her well. Once, I had been playing with my mum’s fake pearl necklace on the balcony of our flat. I had taken the pearls off their chain and, as curious children do, stuffed them up my nose where they got stuck making it difficult for me to breathe. That day, my mum’s friend had come to my rescue. Yet, she and her husband never came to save me from my mother’s madness. As the truth of my childhood was exposed, I stood dumbstruck and ashamed. I remained silent, desperately wishing for the memories to disappear again, they were so traumatic and I absolutely did not want to deal with them. I had successfully denied and locked them away for so long; I had deleted them from my active consciousness and this was why Leonardo knew nothing of the reality of my childhood. I didn’t want to accept the truth or for anyone else to know it. I was so ashamed of this part of my past. Why had it come back to haunt me? Hadn’t I suffered enough? Facing the undeniable reality of my past, I still believed I could turn my back on it. I was unaware that in the present it had already started to chase me. Seven months before we got married, Christian, Leonardo’s son from his first marriage, came to live with us. At that time he was 16 and I was 26. It certainly was not a peaceful household. Arguments were frequent, loud and violent. At that time though, I was blind to how this was a mirror image of the dynamics in my childhood home. Years later, when I was 34, I had just started seeing Marilyn in counseling in Singapore and I was beginning to face the real facts of my past and present rather than continue to deny them. It was at this time that I learned that our neighbors in Italy had often considered calling the police, possibly an idea that may have crossed my parents’ neighbors’ minds too, on hearing the aggressive discussions coming from my family home when I was a child. It was actually one of my friends, Barbara, who had lived with her grandmother next door to Leonardo and me for four years, who eventually revealed this truth. On hearing it, I was struck with guilt and awful shame and wished the ground STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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would just open up and swallow my entire being. This time though, there was nowhere to go and hide. I was becoming aware of who I really was. Avoiding confronting those aggressive parts of me was no longer an option if I wanted to create a different future for Stella, Leonardo and myself. We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults. But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we do and say. Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders, page 64 Who was I? In what ways was I different from my own mother? I had started to physically abuse and neglect my daughter, just like my mum had abused and neglected me. I was verbally offensive with my husband, just like my mum used to be with me and her husband. My home was an unhappy and a violent one, just like my mum’s had been. Like her, I wore my masks in public; the masks of a strong and generous woman who was happy and always full of life. On the outside we both appeared confident and driven, but on the inside we were fragile, scared and lost. We were not conscious of how emotionally needy and alone we really were. In choosing to revisit my past and taking on board the responsibility for my behaviors in the present, I became conscious that everything that I had hated, resented and blamed my mum for, existed in me too. Her madness was my madness. As I continued my journey in counseling, I slowly began to accept this truth instead of keeping on rejecting it and projecting it outside, and over time I found true compassion and deep forgiveness for my mother and for myself. I discovered that consciousness, however painful, ultimately brings us joy.
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There is no greater insult for most women than to say, “You are just like your mother.” And yet to hate one’s mother is to hate oneself. Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, page 103
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Responsibility: What is responsibility for me? Is responsibility important to reach my goals and to cultivate balance in life? And if so, why?
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Chapter 3: Action
65
Elisabetta’s Poem — Childish Dream
66 Awakening 70 The Mask 74 The Legacy 78 The Truth 84
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Reflections
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Chapter 3: Action Childish Dream I dream of your lips, pale pink colored, And I do imagine your eyes looking for me with curiosity. Radiant and trustful I launch myself towards you with a sudden leap While you welcome me smiling and full of euphoria, In your solid arms which make me feel secure. You hold me tight and don’t allow me to abandon you, Lifting me up, you suddenly twist me around, And I feel light and safe in letting myself be cuddled by you. You, Dad, first romantic love of my life. What a pity! This is only a dream. A dream with open eyes. A dream never fulfilled By a father who didn’t know how to kiss or even touch. A father who did not know how to play. A father who was there but did not exist. And still today I keep on dreaming, That you could stroke my hair, my dear Daddy, And you could whisper in my heart, The words that I would dearly love to hear from you, The words today I know you can only convey through your infinite silence: “Daughter of mine… I love you”. © 2003 Elisabetta Franzoso
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Awakening I often dream to fill the empty spaces in my memory, those spaces that should be filled with time spent as a child with my dad. I long to have memories of him holding me, kissing me, playing with me, taking me on outings. Yet, however much I search, I cannot find them. When I started to study and train to become a counselor and coach, Daniela Uslenghi Wenger, a clinical psychologist and one of my most influential trainers, told me that when positive memories are missing, it might be because there is not much to remember. All of a sudden, with sadness, I realized that I only had a few scattered memories of intimacy, joy and fun with my dad. Ian Grant writes in his book, Fathers Who Dare Win, “Fathers leave an indelible imprint on their children. This tends to show up in what we remember of our father’s words and actions from our childhood.” My mum, recently, after my father died, told me that he was very reluctant to have children when they got married and that he was very uncomfortable in holding me as a baby and playing with me as a young child. My perceptions and vague memories were confirmed. I had missed out on important magical moments with my dad as a little girl and adolescent, moments that might have built a solid foundation for me to become a confident and emotionally healthy young woman. Awareness is the process of becoming fully conscious. Awareness can trickle into the corners of your mind slowly, as you clean out the cobwebs, or it can dawn suddenly the moment you become cognizant of your patterns and begin to see yourself objectively. However it is attained, it is like a lightbulb being switched on that illuminates the dark pockets of your unconscious mind. It is the first step to facilitating any change you wish to make in yourself. Chérie Carter-Scott, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, page 61
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In my counseling sessions I was gently led to gain awareness of how my past was influencing my present, particularly the relationship with my daughter, Stella, and husband, Leonardo. I became aware that my unpredictable and inappropriate behavior, labeling me as an emotionally unhealthy adult, was the effect of a self-destructive rage I had bottled up as a little girl. It was this new and healthy awareness which motivated me to progress further on my journey of selfhealing. For years I blamed my mother for everything. My rebellion was both consciously and unconsciously directed at getting back at her. She was the monster I had to escape from. She was the unpredictable, insane woman I swore I would never become. My father on the other hand I spent years defending. I experienced him as the poor victim of my mother’s criticism and abusiveness. I held my mum responsible for his emotional absence and the fact he began to suffer from heart problems years earlier than expected of a healthy man. For a long time I continued to believe the greatest of lies: that the psychological damages of an abused childhood were merely to be attributed to my mum. My poor dad was not to blame. I experienced him as being trapped against his own will. I wanted to save him and to make him happy, but didn’t know how. The guilt I experienced and lived with for not doing enough to rescue my father as a little child and then a young adult, plagued me for many years. With growing awareness, I realized he was the only one who could save himself and make himself happy. He had free will and he had chosen to remain trapped in constant fear. He had allowed fear to take over his life and paralyze him. Fear prevented him from being able to express himself, to give love and to be the father that ideally every girl should have. Unlike my father, I was determined to throw off the fearful chains of paralysis that were keeping me trapped in negative, self-defeating behaviors. Revisiting my past was definitely not a pleasant experience. At STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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times I thought it was too challenging and I couldn’t continue. I was overwhelmed by sadness, guilt, shame and anger that left me feeling helpless and desperate. I became physically weak. Intellectually I was confused. Emotionally I felt more and more fragile. After a few months of counseling, I was advised by my first therapist, Marilyn, to take a course of Prozac, an idea which definitely terrified me. As a child, I had seen my mother become dependent on antidepressants and sleeping tablets to deal with her never ending emotional turmoil and I didn’t want the same for me. Like a warrior, I wanted to be present and face the battle. I didn’t want to be controlled by medication or become addicted to it. I wanted to be in charge of my life. Nevertheless, I was open and stubbornly determined to exploring any avenues that might help me to overcome the obstacles which were preventing me from being able to change and live the life I deeply desired. After a few months of counseling, following Marilyn’s advice, I went to see Dr. YC Lim, an excellent consultant psychiatrist, to explain my situation. After listening carefully to my story, he told me that Prozac would possibly help to keep me calm and clear my mind. In this way I could keep working effectively on revisiting my past. He made me understand that, provided I continued seeing my counselor regularly, I could not become addicted to antidepressants. He assured me that after a few months I would feel emotionally and intellectually healthier through the healing power of revisiting old events of my life and as a consequence, stopping the course of medication wouldn’t be an issue. I had serious doubts. I thought the whole process had become too challenging and I wasn’t sure I could continue. I was losing faith and hope. However, this negativity and feeling of helplessness was coming from repetitive and damaging skeptical thoughts which I knew I needed to ignore. A more powerful and positive voice within me said that I didn’t have to withdraw in fear. I had the choice not to give in to negative thoughts and emotions. This voice told me that I was strong enough and could trust and persist. I could continue with the faith and 68
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hope that the more awareness I gained about what had really happened in my childhood would help me to understand why I had become such an angry and aggressive individual, mother and wife. This awareness, I knew deep down, was my key to a freedom that would empower me to change and become the woman I so wished to be. In my sessions with Marilyn I had spent many hours discovering what I had inherited from my mum: her rage was my own rage, her emotional imbalance was my own imbalance. The more I could understand and integrate this truth, the more I was able to let go of repressed, toxic anger and begin to resolve the conflict that had been raging within my entire being for so long. At the same time though, I was building up new layers of hostility against my mum. I could forgive her for what she had done to me but I could not forgive her for the abusiveness and negative criticism she directed all her married life at my dad. I had started during my childhood to hold her responsible for my father’s unhappiness and was continuing to as an adult. One day Marilyn told me she did not want to hear me repeatedly declaring that my mum was the monster and my dad, on the contrary, was the martyr, the good man, who had never done anything wrong in his life. She believed my aggressive behaviors had been inherited not only from my mother but that my father was also responsible. I could understand her intellectually but emotionally I was disconnected from any feelings towards my dad. The only emotion I was aware of was guilt for not having done my best to save him and make him happy. Marilyn thought that a different approach and environment from what she could offer in a simple counseling room might enable me to wake up and understand the role of my father in my upbringing. She suggested I attended a residential course that she had been on herself some time before. Willpower, faith, hope and persistence were the keys which gave me the strength to take action and to follow Marilyn’s advice just one month later. I knew this step would bring me closer to the goal of freeing myself from self-defeating thoughts, emotions and masochistic STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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behaviors that were keeping me constantly trapped, just like my dad had been all his life. That which we persist in doing becomes easier – not that the nature of the task has changed, but our ability to do has increased. Ralph Waldo Emerson, quoted in: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey, page 318
The Mask I came to discover that fear drove my dad, as it had my mum, to live life behind a mask. His was a mask of silence and submission: the one of a constant pleaser. My father was a man without a voice of his own. He lacked courage and assertiveness. He was totally dependent on his strong and active wife. I always saw him as a submissive follower of Mum’s decisions: besides her own life she was taking charge of her husband’s life and he never seemed disturbed by this exchange of roles. For as long as I can remember, he never had his own friends or openly expressed emotional attachment to anybody. His indecisiveness and fear of confrontation prevented him from making any decisions in family life and fulfilling his role of a husband who supported and protected his family. When my mum was angry, when she was screaming at my dad and throwing knives and forks around the kitchen, he would sneak out and lock himself in the bathroom. I knew, alone in there, he was crying in silence. I knew because I used to creep up to the door and dare to put my ear up against it. I could sense his pain and I felt responsible. I wanted to make him feel better. At times I would dare to go to my mum and tell her not to be so mean and nasty to Dad. She would usually get mad at me for defending him.
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My dad, on the contrary, never came to protect and save me: he totally lacked a fighting spirit. In remembering those scenes I can easily reconnect with feeling sad, small and above all, powerless. It wasn’t until I experienced an exercise of Bioenergetics, that my childish eyes were magically opened to the reality of the situation and I could stop seeing my dad as a victim. It became clear to me that my dad had actually used his mask of silence and submission for his own benefit. I remember the exercise vividly. I had to kneel down in front of a partner and, looking into his eyes with my arms held up reaching towards him, repeat the phrase, “Daddy, please!” My partner, a young man, who coincidentally reminded me of my father, was instructed not to respond. We were to maintain eye contact throughout the exercise. As the exercise was explained to us, it wasn’t clear to me what the purpose of it was and I couldn’t imagine what I was going to gain from it. The physical position I had to hold was uncomfortable and became more challenging as the exercise went on. All I was aware of was my back and thighs aching, my arms feeling heavy and tired and my throat being sore from repeatedly pleading. The physical discomfort was supposed to connect me with the emotional pain of my childhood. Suddenly, with no warning, a memory, long forgotten, came to my mind. It was as if I was back in the past. I saw myself as a little girl begging my mum to stop hitting me. Mum wasn’t hearing me; she was lost in another world and totally out of control. Looking for a way to escape her rage, I turned my face to the kitchen door and saw my dad sneaking out, leaving me behind in the hands of the monster. More flashbacks came flooding back of all the times my mum would beat me and despite my desperate pleading, my dad would turn his back and leave me, unprotected, to take the brunt of my mum’s rage. As I recalled these events a silent fury, which I had unconsciously repressed for years, suddenly erupted. It was a rage I had always kept within and to which over time I had become numb: rage directed at Dad for not rescuing me from my mum’s violent anger. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Together with the rage came the understanding about why my dad hadn’t protected me: he was too busy protecting himself. If he had taken off his mask of silence and submission to stand up against his wife and save me, Mum’s abusive behavior would have been directed at him, not me. Was it this that had prevented my father from standing up for me and for himself in front of my mum’s irrational outbursts of anger? Today with a new awareness, I believe so. He was not able to protect himself. How could he protect his own daughter? Since I was a little girl I felt guilty for all the times I had not been able to shield my dad from my mum’s negative criticism and bitterness. The truth was that, without realizing it, I had more often than not saved him by suffering the abuse my mum subjected me to. Why did my dad avoid confrontation with my mum? Why was it so hard for him to protect me, to save me? I will never know for sure but I can make some assumptions. My father was the youngest of three children and, as usually happens with the youngest child in a family, he did not have to protect or save others. As the little one in the family, others protected and saved him. Therefore he learned at a very young age how to be and remain the baby who needed protecting and rescuing. He developed no sense of responsibility. No coincidence then, that he should marry a woman like my mother, who had learned exactly the opposite as a child, to be over-responsible and constantly play the role of the rescuer. From what I can grasp from the little my dad shared about his childhood, during the last few years of his life, his mother’s behavior was much similar to my mum’s: verbally and most probably physically abusive. She would often lose control and vent her rage at others in the family. His dad, on the other hand, was a kind, soft man whom I always thought of as my sweet, good grandfather – in contrast to my mum’s dad who I labeled in my mind as the wicked granddad. I loved going to the movies and riding the bicycle with my dad’s father. I simply adored spending time in his company. He spoiled me so much! Unlike my maternal grandfather, he didn’t scold me or negatively reprimand 72
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me; I never heard him raising his voice. He was there to easily fulfill any of my childish requests. He was a true pleaser not only with me but with everyone around. Today, with my renewed awareness, I recognize that he was a goodhearted man but deeply fearful, trapped and disconnected from his own feelings, just like my father. It seems there was a lot of conflict within my dad’s family and as a child, my dad most probably survived and learned to protect himself from the chaos at home by avoiding conflict and confrontation, just like his own father had done throughout his life. As an adult, my father continued wearing the mask of silence and submission. The result was that he became the good man, the constant pleaser, just like his own dad. Maybe my dad, like his own father, was under the illusion that love means necessarily the absence of conflict. As Erich Fromm puts in The Art of Loving: “Just as it is customary for people to believe that pain and sadness should be avoided under all circumstances, they believe that love means the absence of any conflict. And they find good reasons for this idea in the fact that the struggles around them seem only to be destructive interchanges which bring no good to either one of those concerned.” Whether or not my dad was consciously under this illusion, the fact remains that he did not protect me physically or emotionally as a child. He always steered clear of confrontation so as to avoid pain and to not lose my mum’s love and approval. The feelings of disappointment, abandonment and rage that I experienced as a result, I had kept locked deep inside me and erased from my conscious memory until the day I did that exercise of Bioenergetics. The spell I had been under, the cycle of denial I had lived in for years, was finally broken. I came to accept the truth, that my dad had been as abusive as my mum. The only difference was that his abusive role was passive as opposed to aggressive. His anger was covert as opposed to overt. He was therefore as responsible as my mum for my dysfunctional behaviors as an adult.
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The Legacy Distant fathers, in retreating from emotional involvement with their children, create in them a poignant and profound longing for paternal affection. When these fathers remain sequestered behind their emotional barriers, they become strangers both to their families and to themselves – unaware of their role in their children’s “father hunger” and their wives’ frustrated pursuit, and blind to their complicity in their own isolation. Thus the distant father tyrannizes his family through an endless, unyielding silence that speaks louder than words – a silence that leaves a gaping hole in his children’s lives. Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 142 The consequences of having a silent, fearful, submissive father, who couldn’t be there for me or make me feel safe, were indeed devastating. I grew up craving his love, attention and protection, a craving he could never fill and that never left me. Also, I began to quietly cultivate the message that I had to fight to live and live to fight. As a young girl the belief that life was synonymous with struggle sank in the innermost room of my being. A few years ago, during a challenging emotional time, I wrote to him: Dear Dad, I have written to you so many times before and never received a reply. Not once! Today I feel the need to write to you again, daring to overcome your constant rejection and be true to my heart. You are not aware that I am writing to you. You are probably lost in this very moment in front of
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one of your TV programs, while I am here thinking of you. I am feeling such a deep emptiness inside, which can only be filled with your kisses, hugs and your smile. The sad truth is that I don’t recall having received any genuine kisses, hugs or smiles from you. Will I ever? This intense craving I have for you is a craving I store in every cell of my body. It is the result of your emotional absence, and it repeatedly deprives me of peace, leaving my mind and heart unsettled. I cannot focus on my daily tasks, the present, as I am constantly searching for you. Where are you, Dad? Who are you, Dad? I truly don’t know. And the childish part of me feels eternally guilty for not having tried to get to know you better, for not having done enough to make you happy, to save you from Mum’s rage or to be closer to you. And yes, the child still living inside me regrets not being able to ever truly feel your love. As a child, I started to believe that it was my fault Dad didn’t love or care for me. I thought that I mustn’t have done enough to deserve his love. This belief unconsciously took root inside of my mind, grew up day by day and expanded in my entire being. Over the years, my sense of not being worthy of love, increased. As a result, I developed the compulsive need to please others to buy love. Unable to win my father’s love as a child, I compulsively searched for this paternal love in relationships with other men. I consciously and unconsciously attempted to fulfill their demands often by seducing them, with the hope of attracting their attention and ultimately winning their unconditional love. From the time I was a teenager, I couldn’t be without a man, or at least the fantasy of a man, for more than a few days. I would insanely throw myself into relationships with individuals STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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I wasn’t even particularly attracted to. Paradoxically those who were interested in me or available, I found boring and unattractive after a few weeks. Daughters need some special things from fathers. One of these is affirmation. This means the feeling of being flattered, admired but never invaded or exploited – so that they can practice conversation and mutual admiration with a ‘safe’ male. Through talking with their fathers and other older men, daughters can gain assurance, feel worthwhile and know they do not ‘need’ the first beau that comes their way. A realistic understanding of male qualities and male foibles is priceless for a girl. Steve Biddulph, Manhood, page 124 In therapy I came to understand how the relationships I was really drawn to, romantically, sexually or platonically, were with men who were not or could not be there for me. Just like an alcoholic is in constant need of a drink, I was in constant need of these kinds of men; they were my addiction. With them, I unconsciously had the opportunity to reenact the same dynamics I had experienced as a child with my dad. Ironically, in searching for what he couldn’t give me, time and time again, I found myself intrigued by men just like my dad. I was fascinated by men who were incapable of offering me the love, attention and protection I deeply yearned for, men who were withdrawn, narcissistic, or under-confident and indecisive. They were often detached from feelings, fearful of confronting conflict and making choices. For the child-like part of me, these men unconsciously represented the opportunity to resolve the unresolved, to win my father’s acceptance together with his true and genuine love.
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Duplicating the past in one’s romantic choices - or in romantic or sexual aversion – is a dynamic the psychological community calls “the repetition compulsion”. But women who love unwisely are not necessarily masochists. They do not repeat the past because they like the punishment; rather they are trying to have one more shot at childhood, one more chance to rewrite their emotional histories. Victoria Secunda, Women and their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 224 Through revisiting my past I finally realized that I was never going to find my father’s unconditional love in these other men. I could not create in the present what had not been there in the past. I also found out how unhealthy my behaviors within these relationships were. I didn’t love for the mere pleasure to love. I loved to be loved. My love was neurotic and conditional on what I would receive. I was always, unconsciously, demanding something in return – emotionally. My love was not there simply for the joy of giving. With this renewed awareness I was able to begin to break the vicious cycle I had unknowingly been trapped in for years: longing for a true fatherly love that I had never received in childhood. I was able to take another step forward in my journey of freeing myself from negative, self-defeating behaviors rooted and learned in the past. However, as Laura Davis writes in The Courage to Heal Workbook, “Healing is not about quick pain relief. It’s about the little steps. It’s about learning to take care of ourselves. It encompasses both progress and backsliding. Healing is slow. It’s gradual. It does not proceed in a straight line.” There was still so much more I needed to discover and understand about my father and myself to be able to truly find peace.
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The Truth As a child, I saw fear in my father’s eyes and I vowed I would never be a coward and fearful like him. When I made that promise to myself I didn’t know that every time you swear to be different in some way from one of your carers, you lose a piece of yourself and start to become someone else. Consciously or unconsciously driven by rebellion, we deny our true nature, lose authenticity and disconnect more and more from the core of who we really are. While growing up I was convinced I was much different from my dad. My life was always one of action. I seemed to have adopted the same roles my mum had taken on. I was a doer, a rescuer, the one who was always responsible for others. But my dad’s influence, in my adoption of these roles, cannot be denied any longer. I played out these roles compulsively in an attempt not to be like him. His inaction and indecision were causing so much pain to our family and to me; therefore, all my adult life I tried to compensate by being the absolute opposite. The compulsivity of being someone I was not required excessive amounts of energy, leaving me constantly exhausted, triggering a host of dysfunctional behaviors. When I understood this important and unconscious mechanism, along with the other consequences of my father’s inaction and lack of nerve, I was able, for the first time, to really feel and give voice to how angry and disappointed I was with him. In counseling, I was taught to safely ventilate my negative emotions. Releasing them enabled me to work on understanding why my dad had behaved the way he did throughout his whole life. As a result I intellectually forgave him. However, I was still emotionally charged and couldn’t let go completely. I was still angry. I wasn’t just resentful towards him because of the impact his fear and paralysis had had on my life but also how it had affected others. His lack of leadership, courage and action left me, my mother and my brother unprotected from the abusive and highly controlling authority of my 78
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maternal grandfather. His inability to assert his authority at home, to keep his family safe, and to openly give us positive affection, deprived us all of a true male role model. Today, I believe my brother remains absolutely ignorant of this subtle dynamic, that he tried his best to fill Dad’s shoes by taking responsibility for Mum’s happiness. As a result, throughout his young life, he unconsciously assumed the role of Mum’s surrogate husband and rescuer. The last piece of father-daughter resolution is to know your father and/or find out all about him. Discovering the unique challenges and conflicts of his life can help you finally understand, if not necessarily forgive, why he treated you as he did in childhood. Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 376 Somehow, my growing awareness of the consequences of the past on the present left me feeling more and more frustrated and resentful. Then, I believe God intervened to show me what I had been unable to see and what was preventing me from really letting go of the past with my dad. The subconscious influence of my relationship with my father throughout my childhood and adolescence was imprinted all over my adult life and, to its detriment, my marriage. At thirty nine, I had just begun to feel in control of my life and had eventually found a career I was passionate about when Leonardo, my husband, lost his corporate job. At fifty years of age, he suddenly found himself out of work. Although he had been on the verge of changing career, moving from the corporate world into the counseling and coaching field, Leonardo chose to shut down in negative feelings and toxic shame. Instead of putting his attention on the solution, he directed it on the problem. There were alternatives available to him
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but he chose to ignore them. He became the victim of a situation he thought he could not control, and instead he decided to leave Asia. So, within a few months, we packed all we had accumulated during our ten years in Asia and left Singapore to move back to Europe. I wasn’t happy about it at all but intellectually I convinced myself that this was the best thing for Leonardo, and as his wife I had to support him and be there for him; I silently followed him. I didn’t voice my feelings or belief that the move made no sense. I had everything in Singapore. For the first time in my life I had a job I loved and I had started to become financially independent. Stella was well settled and apparently happy. At almost 40 years old, I was feeling stronger and more independent as a woman and mother than I ever had before. As a wife though, I was still emotionally dependent, just like my father had been all his life on my mother and likewise my mother had been all her life on my father. In Spain, things didn’t improve. Leonardo became more fragile and depressed by the day and was falling into a trap of negativity and hopelessness. The more he was losing control of his role as the financially responsible one, the more I was showing my own strength. I was no longer wearing a mask; the real me was surfacing. It was like our roles had been reversed; I was in touch with a real strength I hadn’t been conscious of before, while Leonardo’s true vulnerability was becoming apparent. After eighteen months of doing my best to motivate Leonardo, I did something I never would have thought I could do: I left him in Spain and I moved back to Singapore, with Stella. I had nothing to assure me that my return to Singapore would be successful. I didn’t know if my marriage would survive. However, I was motivated by the consciousness that I needed to break the unhealthy cycle of codependency I had adopted from my parents, understanding that this was no way to live. Of course there was a renewed sense of courage inside my body and mind, but there was fear too, the same fear that had trapped my mother and father and 80
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that I had vowed not to let trap me as well. Leonardo remained in Spain, physically and emotionally very distant, weak and confused. My mum and dad were in Italy, unable to grasp what was really going on in my life and support me. God was the only one I knew was by my side, every day, sustaining me. I knew there was nothing inappropriate in what I was doing; I was simply being true to myself and my needs. I was following what I felt, in my heart, was the path God had designed for me. What were the results of all this? In taking the step to move back to Singapore alone, simply out of love for myself and with trust in God, I asserted my independence and broke my family’s legacy of codependency. I overcame the fear my father always had of standing up to my mother, of fighting for his dreams and for what he needed, wanted and most of all believed in. I overcame the fear my mother had, to assert her own power and vocalize healthily her need to have a responsible husband next to her that was able to truly lead, support and protect her. Indeed she had often threatened to leave my father but never ended up doing so. On returning to Singapore, despite a deep, inner emotional turmoil, I knew, first spiritually and then logically, I had made the appropriate decision. Nevertheless when I started to resettle with Stella, regardless of my new-found strength, I was conscious that I also needed help. I couldn’t just pretend it was all okay! I was hurt and in pain. I was alone with my daughter! I had to acknowledge and embrace my vulnerability and fear in order to healthily face reality and move on. Therefore, I chose to share my situation with several friends and emotional support came easily. Life had started to become easier. I didn’t have to fight and be the angry warrior any longer. The unexpected occurred when Leonardo moved back to Singapore after six months, mainly driven, as he honestly confessed, by the desire to be close to Stella. In the meantime, after physically and emotionally exhausting family discussions, he surrendered and decided to go through intense psychological work to overcome his STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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inner confusion and depression. He underwent an intensive journey of three weeks in Primal Therapy in Melbourne with Dr. Spensley, a major therapeutical process I had myself experienced a couple of years before. When he rejoined us in Singapore, what I did not expect to see was a man still so vulnerable and confused, lacking in self-esteem and courage. A man lost in a world of self-entrapment, silence and inaction, just like my father. As the days and weeks passed by there was no change in his behavior. I became more and more frustrated and angry with him and also with myself for not being able to be more compassionate with my husband. Intellectually I knew he hadn’t chosen to be depressed; depression is a disease and my duty as a wife was to support him in overcoming it. Emotionally I was struggling though, and I couldn’t understand why. The truth came to surface one day after a horrible row with Leonardo about his continuing lack of action to take any consistent responsibility for our family’s needs. I called Dr. Spensley, in Australia, to ask for help. He lovingly guided me in that conversation to understand that I was angry with Leonardo because I was projecting on him my father’s lack of action, grit and courage. In spite of the pain I knew I had to confront, I chose, facilitated by Dr. Spensley on the phone, to go back to experience the feelings stored in my body. They were the same feelings I had when I was a young child and I desperately wanted my dad to become my hero and protect me in the face of my mum’s aggression. Each time though he retreated in defeat. I hated the fear I saw in his eyes. I abhorred his incapacity to reply to my mum and make his voice heard and respected. I remembered something even more painful, I remembered my own huge fear of not being able to save my dad from my mother’s abusive attacks and the paralyzing terror I felt when she was assaulting me after my dad had left the room. In these memories, I saw myself scared, silent and submissive, just like my dad. 82
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Now, it was clear. Leonardo in his years of confusion, depression and emotional impotency had become the tool through which I could truly empathize with my dad’s behavior and find final compassion for him. My anger at my husband’s indecision and vulnerability was the anger at my own indecision and vulnerability rooted in the painful memories of my childhood and still controlling and motivating my present. That day on the phone with Dr. Spensley, I came to the deep understanding that what I had hated so much first in my father, then in my daughter when I was hitting her, and eventually in my husband when he lost his sense of power and authority, was nothing other than my own fear, indecision, submission and vulnerability. In finally acknowledging and welcoming this truth, I could no longer hate my dad or continue to be angry and resentful about how things had been in the past. What I saw in him, just like what I had seen in my mum, was a reflection of myself. If I could accept myself for who I truly was — fearful, indecisive, submissive and vulnerable — I certainly could profoundly forgive and love my dad. From that day I began a new chapter in my life with myself, with my parents, with Leonardo and with Stella.
Letting go is not to regret the past; But to grow and live for the future. Letting go is to fear less and live more. Twelve-Step Program quoted in: My Father, My Self by Masa Aiba Goetz, page 224
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REFLECTIONS
This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Action: what does action mean to me? Why and how do I need action in my life? If I am missing action in my life, what could I do to change that? Is action important for myself, my family and life? If so, why?
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Chapter 4: Focus
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Pressing Forward
95
Feelings
101
Elisabetta’s Poem — “No”
106
Reflections
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Chapter 4: Focus Pressing Forward During adolescence an invisible shell begins to harden around our bodies, and gets thicker and thicker throughout our adult life. It grows rather like the way a pearl grows: the bigger and deeper the wound, the stronger the crust becomes. Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, pages 8-9 Through the process of counseling, I shed layer upon layer of resistance and defence to face painful truths about myself and my past. In facing these truths, I was freeing myself from the destructive behaviours that were causing me and others so much suffering in the present. I was setting myself and others free. I had come so far; I had done so well. Why, then, did I still feel and experience sadness, hurt and anger inside? Why was I still so often driven by fear and shame? How much more pain did I have to face in order to finally set myself free from those negative emotions? As I was told during a workshop, the peacock’s beautiful feathers come into existence due to the peacock eating thorns. I was gaining the understanding that very often the harsh things we have to digest can contribute to our beauty, but this happens only when we are open enough to embrace the horror of the hurt we must face. If we resist or resent the pain we simply increase it and make it more real. There were still layers of resistance and defense to be peeled off. There were still distressing truths about my past I needed to confront in order to experience lasting healing and transformation. The physical and emotional abuse my mum subjected me to, and the inability of my dad to protect me, were not the sole origins of the pain, anger, fear and shame I felt as a child and which were buried deep 86
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inside my whole being. There was another significant root that needed unearthing: the sexual abuse. For years I minimized the fact that my father used to molest me sexually when I was a toddler and that my mum was a passive perpetrator to this abuse. At times he would put me on the dining table, pull down my panties, then touch and play with my genitals. For him, it was like a simple game: he had found his own way to have fun! For me it was a torment. I vividly remember the timid smile on his face and I truly hated him for touching me that way. I felt so uncomfortable; my body became rigid with tension, as it is now while I write about it. I perceived that something wasn’t quite right. I remember one time searching for help and seeing my mum through the door in the kitchen. I caught her attention but she simply shrugged her shoulders, smiled and said that Dad was only playing. How does a little girl of three to four years old learn to establish healthy and appropriate physical boundaries with this kind of experience? How does she learn to trust her gut instincts? How can she begin to differentiate between what is appropriate and what is not? How can she develop the confidence to say “No”? She doesn’t. I didn’t. When I was eight years old, an old man in his sixties came to tune my piano at home. My mum left me with him while she went back to work in the shop that she and my dad managed together. Before I knew what was happening, the old man had slipped his hand under the Scottish kilt and panties I was wearing and he started to touch me. He whispered that he wouldn’t hurt me and I wasn’t to tell my mum. As I write this now, I still feel a dirty, nasty, uncomfortable sensation in my body. It is a fact that our body often remembers more than our mind. When the man left and my parents returned, I was still confused as to what had happened and full of shame. I told them but they didn’t really listen. The old man was a music professor, he was well respected and the thought that he would sexually molest a child wasn’t even considered. I was just imagining things or exaggerating. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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I was left feeling betrayed and confused, questioning myself and my feelings. A few years later, when I was 11 years old, I didn’t have the courage to speak out when one of my piano teachers started to slip his hand under my shirt and touch me in intimate parts of my body. When he stood behind my back he used to grab and fondle my breast, while he rubbed up against my shoulder blades. Meanwhile, he spoke as if I was the one seducing him and he implied sarcastically and with impudence that there was no escape for me. That was truly humiliating. I felt powerless and shamed. He used to try and kiss me on the mouth almost every time I left his class. It was a nightmare I lived through wearing my mask of a pleaser with a smile painted on, to hide the disgust, anger and discomfort I felt inside every time I had to be in his presence. After every class I was left feeling dirty and ashamed. Again, there was the confusion about what was right and what was wrong, about my feelings and thoughts. I was sure that I did not want the situation to continue though. Nevertheless, it took three years of being abused every week before I could find an excuse so that my parents would allow me to stop attending his music lessons. Only years later I discovered that I had been only one among several of his victims. By the time I was at high school, I had already developed the unhealthy awareness that in giving away a piece of myself I could gain something. I had smartly learned to use seduction to my advantage. I allowed one of my teachers to touch my breasts in exchange for his help with my monthly tests. In my twenties, when I was at university, I used to go and visit him at his home for help with my studies. I knew he was separated from his wife and living alone. Nevertheless, the potential danger I was putting myself in never crossed my mind. The fact that he was there for me and gave me his attention and time blinded me emotionally, as it may blind many sexually abused children who may intentionally return to their abuser. As a young adult I often found myself in inappropriate situations with men. I was unable to say “No”, to find my voice, assert and protect 88
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myself. Two weeks before presenting my thesis at university, my professor, who was the president of the exam board, tried to kiss me. He was over 50 and had a great reputation as a teacher and father. In shock and disgust I was momentarily stunned. He pushed me violently down on to his desk, opened my coat and started to feel me. After a few seconds of panic, I pushed him off me and, petrified, I ran out of his office. Why didn’t I denounce him straight away? I was concerned that he would give me a failing grade. He didn’t though. Why didn’t I denounce him once I had my results? By that time I had started to doubt myself and wonder whether I had done anything to have triggered his behavior. When I was 25, I accepted the offer to spend a weekend in Torquay, England, working as an interpreter for a renowned middleaged chef from Pisa, Italy. He was married. On arriving at midnight, at a beautiful five-star hotel, I was exhausted. To my surprise I discovered he had booked a double room, not two singles, by mistake! This was not consistent with what our original agreement had been. The wise reaction would have been to tell him that I wouldn’t stay for the weekend and to take the first train back to London the next morning. Instead I demanded my own room and spent the following days allowing him to behave inappropriately with me. On our return to Italy, he didn’t send me my pay cheque. I found it difficult to verbally stand up for myself and my rights, so I wrote to him to ask for my fee. He ignored my request and I didn’t follow it up. I doubted myself and my gut feelings as usual. I started to question if I had done a good job and if I deserved to be rewarded. In all of the above circumstances, despite knowing and feeling quite strongly that I was being taken advantage of, I felt unable and lacked the needed confidence to stop or take control of the situation. I couldn’t break the cycle of old compulsive reactions based on my childhood experiences. I processed these episodes of abuse in counseling but there was more I hadn’t addressed. I started to have flashbacks that filled me STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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with the deepest shame, and I struggled to make sense of them. They were snapshots of a man pushing his penis in my mouth, flashbacks of a man turning his back on me with his trousers around his ankles. In all these scattered visual snapshots I never saw the man’s face. Confused, fearful and unable to trust myself I kept silent, just like I had always done as a little girl. As I progressed on my journey, I became conscious of how scared and insecure I was. All through each day, even during the most loving and playful times, there was an element of fear, fear of imminent danger. I began to notice that in moments of intimacy and pleasure with my husband, I was tense and felt partially paralyzed. When it came to giving voice to my true feelings I was tongue tied. In situations in which I needed to stand up for myself, especially to figures of authority, I crumbled and let others walk over me. Like anger and rage, fear had and was still determining my life. I had got to some of the roots of my inexplicable terror and intuitively I knew I had to dig deeper. It couldn’t only have been my mum’s physical and emotional abuse or my dad’s inability to protect me and be emotionally available that caused me to be so scared of everything and not to have developed the ability to assert or protect myself. I reasoned that the episodes of sexual abuse that I had dealt with could not be the sole cause either. How was I so sure of this? Because of the flashbacks and the terror I still had in my mind and felt in my whole body when thinking of my granddad. My granddad, along with my mum and dad, had been one of my primary caretakers as a child; he was a sort of second father to me. From him I got much attention and protection, all that I didn’t get from my biological father. This may sound paradoxical to many readers but it is a fact I cannot deny and which surfaced while I was working in counseling. Therefore, it was relevant to revisit my past with him too. I found the courage to go back to the past again driven by the positive results I had gained revisiting it in relation to my experiences with my mum and dad. I had begun to heal but knew I had more 90
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work to do. Although I no longer projected my rage onto Stella, it still surfaced, and I now targeted all of it at Leonardo. It was time to look at my relationship with my granddad to get to the original source of the fear that was still dwelling in my body and soul. As Dr. Paul Vereshack states in his book, Help me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad, “You must enter the paradox of embracing deeper and deeper pain in order to get rid of it (the Central Paradox Of Therapy). When you do this your reward will be to make deep connections, and to experience profound release from lifelong tension and dysfunction.” My maternal grandfather was the real boss of our family. Although he did not live with us, he was always in charge of our household and controlled us with the power of his money. He had bought the shop my mum and dad managed, to help them out. He then paid for the beautiful house we lived in. He was ensuring his role as the responsible one and therefore the controller. How often do we take on responsibilities because, unconsciously, we are in need of controlling the people around us? Everyone feared my granddad: his ex-wife, his second wife, his sisters, my mum, my dad, his friends too. No one dared to confront him or contradict him; if they did, his reaction was to be verbally or physically violent, and he caused great pain to those who dared question his knowledge, authority or power. It was easier to keep quiet and give in to his every need, whatever the cost. It was as if he was the master puppeteer directing everyone’s lives. As a child, I feared and hated him. I followed the example of the adults around me and I swallowed the terror, the pain and the humiliation he caused. I used to silently watch him screaming at and abusing his second wife, whom I loved as a real grandmother. In those moments, I was petrified and wished that the ground would swallow me up. I remember one day when I was 12 years old, my mum fainted at the back of our shop after one of granddad’s nasty physical and verbal attacks. The neighbors intervened when my father, powerless in my granddad’s presence and unable to protect my mum and his family, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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did absolutely nothing. They pushed my granddad out and called a doctor for my mum. When the doctor arrived, she was unable to stand up and was struggling to breathe. I was furious and felt I wanted to kill my granddad with my bare hands; but I didn’t do or say anything. Like Mum, I had learned to endure violence without being able to question it. As a child, I was totally powerless, not only when my grandfather lashed out at my mum, but also when he didn’t respect my dad. I knew my granddad never really liked or accepted my father. He perceived him as the weak man of the family, a coward who was feeble and unworthy of marrying his daughter. When he referred to him as a wimp, I always felt a rage building up inside of my stomach and burning in my chest but I never dared to let it escape. Instead, I used to swallow it all. I was terrified of my granddad. To be left alone with him was my worst nightmare and one I was forced to live through for years as a child and adolescent. My granddad claimed he adored me, or at least this is what my mum always told me. He only wanted to spend time with me. What about my brother? He never asked to spend time with him. A few times a week my mum would drop me off at his office, and he would take me with him to the Modenese Café where he met his old friends to smoke cigarettes and play cards or billiards. I never wanted to go with him. I remember my mum sending me off while holding my baby brother in her arms; how envious I was of my brother who was safe in my mother’s arms, and how angry I was that Mum would leave me alone with my grandfather! I was certain she was afraid of him too and thought she should have sensed how petrified I was at the mere thought of spending hours with that disgusting man. I didn’t say a word though. I knew that if I did, my parents and I would have to suffer the consequences of my granddad’s wrath when he didn’t get what he wanted: Elisabetta, his favorite grandchild! Subsequently, my parents would be angry with me for having disappointed my granddad. It was easier, so much easier, to keep quiet and wear the mask of a pleaser so 92
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that everyone could be happy and at peace, except for me. At the café, he didn’t really spend time with me, I was simply an accessory; he loved to show me off to his friends. I was always dressed up like a beautiful doll for those afternoons and was instructed to sit politely and quietly. I hated being there with all those old men, sitting in a fog of smoke and watching them playing cards. I remember trying to keep as still as a statue. When my grandfather looked at me I would hold my breath. I was so terrified of doing or saying the wrong thing that I simply did what he told me to do and said what he wanted to hear. I was in complete and humiliating submission. I was conditioned to behave like a loyal dog that follows his owner, fully dependent on him. But I wasn’t an animal! I was a little innocent girl and had my own needs and feelings. The fear of how he might react if I expressed them was so overwhelming that I bottled up what I wanted to say and do. I became so accustomed to doing it that when I grew up, I lost the ability to recognize what my actual needs or feelings were at all. Why did my parents leave me with my granddad so often? After years of asking myself this question the answer came while revisiting my past. My granddad wanted the little Elisabetta around him all the time. My youthful energy was contagious and probably helped him to feel young and alive. He didn’t like to be called Granddad in front of his friends and relatives. He repeatedly moaned that it made him feel old. Tony was his name and this is what he made me call him! Today I understand that in simply giving him what he wanted and submitting themselves to his will, my parents were left in peace to get on with their own lives. If they hadn’t let me go, he would have been at their house and with them more, telling them what to do and bothering them with his overbearing control and arrogance. In a way, without knowing it, Mum and Dad exchanged me for their peace. Did they ever realize the price they paid? I don’t think so. They were too numb, in denial and overall driven by fear. I didn’t just have to spend time with my self-absorbed grandfather and his old friends at the Modenese Café, I was also left STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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with him at his house for days. There I would witness the frequent and violent rows he had with his second wife. I had to entertain and make his three sisters, my elderly grandaunts, happy when it suited him and them. I had to accompany him to work sometimes on the big lorry he drove daily to and from Milan. He took me on trips with him throughout Italy and Europe. Then, when I was 15 years old, we went to Canada for an entire month to visit his cousins who had emigrated there years before. We were in Toronto and the Ontario area for four weeks and I have only one vague memory of the nights we spent together in motels. I remember I was sharing a king bed with him and I woke up in the middle of the night because he was snoring so badly. I was paralyzed, just as I always was when I was with him. Several therapists have said that such a loss of memory at 15 years old could only be to protect me from further trauma and great pain. When I arrived back in Italy I was seven kilos heavier and my mum still recalls today that, when she came to meet me at the airport in Milan, she hardly recognized me. I remember that was the time when I began to suffer from bulimia, a serious eating disorder. In addition, the alopecia areata, a form of hair loss which most often affects the scalp and causes bald spots on the head, that started when I was only 13, began to intensify. Honestly, I can’t remember a lot of what happened on that trip. I do remember my granddad one time slapping me and calling me a bitch in public. I had unusually dared to express my wish to spend time with some boys, specifically two cousins we had gone to visit in a small Canadian city near to Detroit. They were my age and had asked me to have a sleepover at their house. Granddad simply could not accept that I was a teenager and didn’t want to spend every minute of the day with him. I do remember, however, the utter terror I felt in every bone of my body while I was with him on that trip. I never confessed to anyone the fear he instilled in me: fear that in years to come, despite the work I had done in therapy, I still couldn’t exorcise. It was only when I was almost 40 that my gut instinct told me I had to take further action to get to the origin of my terror. Scenes of 94
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my life were still hidden, in darkness, behind curtains. It was time to throw light on those blind spots to reveal the full truth of why I spent my childhood filled with a dread that paralyzed me in every moment of my existence.
Feelings When a person has a powerful feeling about a present event, almost always the identical feeling has existed in his past, having accompanied an early traumatic event. Dr. Paul Vereshack, Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad. Chapter 4, quoted in: www.paulvereshack.com I was aware I had to develop the willingness to enter into the darkness, sit in there and embrace it all. That would be the best medicine of all! First I had to press forward and learn to endure the dark space inside me, for there I knew was where I could finally see the glimmering light of hope. The action I took was to undergo Primal Therapy with Dr. Spensley, a renowned pediatrician and primal therapist living in Melbourne, Australia. For the three weeks of therapy I lived in isolation at the Jamillon Center. Two to three hours a day I had sessions with primal therapists. The rest of the time I was alone in my room. The first ten days, I could not leave the center even for a walk. I could draw and journal after each session, but not too much. The focus had to be on simply being and feeling, not doing. The intent was to break down the intellectual resistances and to allow emotions that had been blocked since childhood to surface. I was led to connect fully with layers of pain, anger, rage, shame and fear I had learned to bury inside as a child. At the Jamillon Center I completely tuned into the terrifying times of my infancy with no resistance or defense. Sometimes we may not consciously remember or be able STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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to retrieve negative past events, but they do remain trapped in our unconscious; we cannot separate ourselves from them. The traumas we have gone through are recorded not only in our memory; they are stored in our body. I am convinced that every emotion we experience in the present can be re-connected with the same or a very similar one that was caused by an event that occurred in our past, when we were children. Experience has taught me that my own body is the source of all the vital information that has enabled me to achieve greater autonomy and self-confidence. Only when I allowed myself to feel the emotions pent up for so long inside me did I start extricating myself from my own past. Genuine feelings are never the product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there, and they are there for a very good reason, even if that reason is not always apparent. Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, page 20 One evening, midway through my period in Primal Therapy, I was, as usual, at the center alone. The therapists all left at 5 p.m. to go home to their families. Until they returned the next morning no one was at the center but me. I was supposed to be in total isolation. This one evening, I was taken by surprise when I heard the doorbell ring. After a few minutes of continuous ringing, I decided to go and see who it was. When I opened the door, already uncertain I was doing the right thing, three young ladies whom I didn’t recognize, explained they had all forgotten their keys to the center. Before I could say anything else they had barged past me and I was left standing there with no explanation as to what they were doing. It was as if their arrival was nothing out of the ordinary. They made their way up to the kitchen area next to my bedroom. I stood there feeling awkward and confused. I said nothing, my voice caught in my throat. Dr. Spensley hadn’t said that anyone would 96
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be coming to the center that evening. A couple of times a week there had been group sessions in the big, red room downstairs, but he always informed me of these events. When he had left that day he had told me I had the place to myself until the morning, hadn’t he? I started to doubt myself. Part of me felt I had the right to ask those ladies what they were doing there. This was my home for the night. I was supposed to be alone and not be disturbed by strangers, and they were strangers! So, what could I do? Confront them? I knew this was the reasonable and logical thing to do, but I was paralyzed by another part of me that on the contrary said to be still, not to move, not to say a word. It was like a mantle of terror was surrounding me and preventing my body and mind from taking any action at all to assert my rights and emotions. I started to feel so small, unprotected and guilty. “Guilty for what?”, the logical side of me questioned. “If those women are here, there must be a reason. Why should I be feeling inadequate and guilty for simply asking them why they are here? The rules are that I should be in isolation. They are the ones breaking the rules of the centre being the intruders, not me!” But I couldn’t find my voice; the words remained stuck in my throat. I felt I had done something terribly wrong in allowing those women to enter. It was my fault and now it was too late. They were here and I just had to live with it. Since they were ignoring me completely, preparing tea and chatting in the kitchen area where I was used to making my dinner alone, I decided to go back to my room. My body was tense, my shoulders hunched. I remembered I had Dr. Spensley’s phone number with me, in case of an emergency. I started to dial his number but put the phone down before I had finished, scared that he would judge me for being ridiculous or idiotic calling for such a reason. Surely he would think I was pathetic to be so afraid to approach these young women. Tiptoeing, I went out of my room to check where they were and heard them laughing and sounding at ease. I, on the other hand, was far from at ease. I realized they had shut themselves in a room at the end of the corridor, a space I had never entered as it was STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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for the therapists only; it was where they kept clients files that were private and strictly confidential. I felt they shouldn’t be in there and if I couldn’t confront them myself I had at least to call for help by contacting Dr. Spensley or Gill, his sister, on the emergency numbers they had left me. Again, though, I questioned myself. My mind was in turmoil and my heart racing with anxiety. Maybe I was really wrong. Maybe there was nothing unusual about the situation. I decided the wisest thing to do was to ignore them entirely, pretend they weren’t there, go to bed and try my best to sleep. But I couldn’t sleep at all. I lay there rigidly, aware of every little noise and movement. It wasn’t until much later, when I heard those strangers leave the center that I could finally let go of my negative, crippling thoughts. When I knew I was alone again I felt the tension in my body disappear. I did not need to be alert any longer. I could finally relax and fall asleep. It is still spring at the end of November in Melbourne and that week it was raining a lot. At night it was difficult to rest deeply with the sound of the rain drumming on the roof and the wind howling. That night however, I was so exhausted I fell asleep without difficulty. I don’t know how long I’d been lying down when suddenly I woke up to the sound of heavy footsteps coming down the corridor towards my room. My heart was beating like crazy. I jumped up and grabbed the telephone to call for help only to find that the wire had been cut. I reached for the light switch, the power was off. The footsteps stopped right in front of my bedroom and I saw the handle on my door silently turn. Somebody was coming in. Who was it? I didn’t know. The only thing I was aware of was the terror stored in my entire being. Instinctively I screamed and cried for help in Italian, my native language. I had found my voice! My mind was alert but my body was frozen, I couldn’t make a move. My legs felt heavy, as if they were made of stone. With all the will in the world I couldn’t lift them, I couldn’t run away. I couldn’t hide as a towering, black figure came through the door and stood motionless before me. 98
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In that instant, I found myself sitting bolt upright in bed, awake and petrified. I had been having a horrible nightmare. The next day in sharing it with Dr. Spensley I recognized that it was possibly based on the reality of a past event. The terror of being left alone without help and the feeling of a complete lack of control mixed with resignation were emotions I’d certainly experienced as a child. During a traumatic event, a person is often in shock and later in normal consciousness is unable to remember very much at all. Yet under hypnosis, crime victims for example, can recall such details as the numbers on a car license plate.... The memory is encoded in a state–bound form and thus a person has to get back into a particular state to access the experience. Regressive association is the process by which we put two and two together, not by reasoning but by spontaneous feeling. Elizabeth Noble, Primal Connections, page 89 The following night I was in an extremely anxious state. The work I had been doing for ten days in Primal Therapy had peeled away all my remaining layers of resistance and defense. My true vulnerability, hidden for years behind my various masks, was finally being unveiled. Memories that I thought had been lost for years were surfacing and as painful and disturbing as they were, I had lost the control to block them out. I felt like I was going mad. Each time I was alone at the center, every little noise was like an alarm warning of a catastrophe to come. Terror reigned over me that night and for the following ones. I never lost the feeling of complete paralysis and the strong physical sensation that my grandfather was there with me all the time, controlling me, silently threatening me with his disgusting presence and defiant arrogance. The message he conveyed through his steely, cold, blue eyes was: “Don’t say anything. Don’t talk.” He delivered it with a bitter, ironic grin on his face, confident that I would obey him, as I had always done as a kid and adolescent. I felt his constant, disturbing STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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presence wherever I moved around. Previously I had prepared dinner in the kitchen with the lights on, but dimmed. Now I turned them on fully, as this gave me a sense of being safer. I had the strong impression that he was spying on me. I ate my dinner as quickly as possible and then took refuge behind the door of my bedroom. In taking a bath before going to bed, as I had done all the previous nights, I started to feel unsafe and I needed to lock the door. After my bath, rather than run down the corridor back to my room, simply in my underwear and bra, I got fully dressed again. When I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, I was not comfortable going simply in my night slip as I had done before. Going from one room to another I constantly looked over my shoulder, fearing that I could be attacked from behind. I was constantly on my guard. During the day, in sessions with the therapists, I shared my feelings and my torment. Dr. Spensley was always loving and kind, though firm in his approach. Inside a safe and sound proof room for the next ten days I voiced my feelings and gave freedom to my body to experience and revisit the emotions which had been stored in my cellular system since I was a child. All one needs to do is to lie on the floor and simply say out loud exactly what you feel, with as much energy and effort is reasonably possible. Within a short space of time your body will automatically express for you what your language had begun to do for you previously. Before long you will slide into your preverbal expressions of the feelings through movement and sound. Dr. Graham Farrant, quoted in: The Jamillon Centre Newsletter, Australia – Winter 2000 Primal Therapy enabled me to reconnect physically and emotionally with an early time of my life when I had experienced the 100
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events which had caused me to live a life ruled by fear and terror. How did this help me? As H. Lawrence King wrote in 1993 in his essay, What is Primal Psychotherapy?: “I believe that most therapists and laymen recognize the value of a cathartic experience used in connection with recent trauma. (Such as crying to express the grief of losing a loved one.) It vastly lowers tension levels. But long-forgotten past traumas still maintain very high, though unconscious, tension levels. It is this tension that gives such incredible power to neurotic impulses. (“I know it’s self-destructive, but I can’t seem to stop myself.”) By doing a connective catharsis of the past, the neurotic impulses greatly diminish (and some are gone forever).” In reliving those times, in feeling and expressing the pain, rage, shame and fear I had buried as a child, I re-integrated the parts of my past and myself I had split from in order to survive the traumatic abuse of my childhood and adolescence. In confronting the painful truths of those experiences with my grandfather, not just intellectually but emotionally too, I could finally re-connect with a deep sense of compassion for my childhood self. I recognized I was powerless; that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t need to be ashamed, and that yes, it was okay to experience the old feelings. I could start to let go of the irrational terror that had held me in its vice-like grip for so long, along with the other emotions that determined so many of my negative behaviors. I had found my voice.
“No” I could never say “no”, No one ever taught me how to say it. I was taught to obey the “no” from outside, And to swallow my “no” inside. That “no” I never said, found its nest in every cell of my physical being,
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That “no” I never pronounced, buried itself in the depth of my heart. That “no” coming from the outside, eroded my stomach, And that “no” coming from my inside, remained stuck, Caught in the back of my throat. How painful it is never being able to say “no”. The fear was there ready to assault me, And my stomach was tense at any moment of the day. While the panic traveled through all of my muscles, My jaw was constantly clenched. I turned my head and looked for help, And I found two blue cold eyes which in silence said: “Don’t you dare say “no”. It took me almost forty years To learn how to pronounce “no”, As the truth coming from my heart. It took great effort and all my perseverance and determination, It took all my courage and my energy. It feels so good today to be able to say a simple and clean “no”, Without fear of hurting others. Simply to honor who I am. A woman, a mother, a wife who today can simply say: “No”. © 2003 Elisabetta Franzoso During Primal Therapy, I never reconnected fully with the visual memory of my grandfather sexually or physically abusing me in the flashbacks that I had. I never saw his face. As is common for sexually or physically abused children who don’t totally recover their memory, or freeze it completely, I doubted that he could have sexually abused me. Sometimes I still do! However, from the moment I began 102
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to have the flashbacks, I had a strong physical and emotional feeling that through the power he had over me, he, no matter how, had taken a piece of me and broken my child’s soul. And if not sexually, then emotionally and intellectually he did. Those memories are there and they are immaculate. Two years after my Primal Therapy, I was living in Spain. One day, an intimate moment with my husband turned into a living nightmare: his face transformed into my grandfather’s. I vividly remember that I flew into blind panic. I drew away from Leonardo and closed myself into the foetal position, shivering in dismay. Leonardo had seen the terror and tears in my eyes and although he was confused, in silence and with great sensitivity, held me gently while I cried in pain. I know, that just like that day in Spain, other flashbacks may pop up when I least expect them. Today I am conscious I went through some kind of deep traumatic physical and sexual abuse in early childhood. Was it at the hands of my grandfather? Or someone else close to the family circle? This inner question has been there for a few years and still there is no sure answer. I don’t feel like making any accusations. Further memories may surface at any time and shed more light on what really happened. Or they might remain shut down for ever. I choose to trust God’s will and I totally surrender to His plans. I cannot control my memories but I can make decision not to allow them to rule my life, especially now that I have set myself free from fear and found my voice. As one survivor of sexual abuse affirms in Mark Pendergrast’s book, Victims of Memory, “Yes, the abuse had specific consequences. But you can either go through life and be a victim and be stuck in that role forever, or you can acknowledge it and grapple with it and use it as a strength and move ahead.” I thought I had said goodbye to my grandfather when he died, exactly one week before I got married. At his funeral, I truly felt released from the grip he had on me. I thought I was free. I had STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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confused physical freedom with emotional freedom. His death didn’t mean that I had cut my emotional ties with him, nor had I truly forgiven him. The neurotic part of me couldn’t let go of what he had done to me and my family. The terror I had stored within and learned to live with as a result of my experiences with him and around him, kept chasing me and interfered with my ability to function healthily in the present. Only after looking with courage behind the curtain that had concealed scenes of my childhood and unveiling the truth, having recalled how deeply he had hurt me, was I able to totally set myself free from his emotional control. In deciding to follow my gut feelings and continue my journey of awareness, I had become conscious that my past would stop plaguing me only when I could truly forgive. Today I know that forgiving is a choice and that, “Forgiving isn’t forgetting. It’s remembering and letting it go!” as Pastor Ben Brown once declared, during one of his powerfully inspirational Sunday messages. I presume that my grandfather was probably never able to do that. As a nine-year-old child he saw his alcoholic father come home drunk and physically abuse his mother. Powerless to stop the violence and furious with his dad, one day he left home alone with his backpack. He was gifted, smart and highly driven. In his early twenties he made what was a fortune for those times and was able to help his mother and sisters to move in with him, when his father, lost to alcoholism, abandoned them to go and live on the streets. Today, knowing that anger serves a purpose and being conscious that it is an emotion not bad in itself but useful to our very survival, I have the awareness that my grandfather’s suppressed anger was most probably the fuel that powered his fighting spirit and consequent financial success. However, the unconscious and toxic resentment towards his father, combined with the deep hurt he felt as a young boy, was never faced, processed and expressed. My grandfather’s unresolved anger remained bottled inside and became poisonous. It fueled his need to be in total control of everything and everyone. As an adult, he 104
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wore the mask of authority. This was his unconscious rebellion to the fact that his father had hardly ever assumed any responsibility for his own five children and wife. My granddad’s addiction to his role as a leader and provider for all eventually took over and resulted in abusive behaviors towards himself and others. This occurred until the day he died. Was he so different from his own father? They say that the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children. It is true, it is absolutely true: the sins of the fathers do fall upon the children, those of the grandparents fall upon the grandchildren, those of the great-grandparents upon the greatgrandchildren. Some truths are liberating, others terrifying. This falls into the latter category. Where does the chain of guilt begin? With Cain? Can things possibly go back so far? Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, page 19 This awareness and my consequent acceptance of the facts that occurred in my childhood do not minimize what my grandfather did to me or to my family, nor absolve him of his responsibility. In order to deeply heal and let him go though, I could not simply say: “Well, Granddad, when I was a child you terrorized and abused me, but that was just your human failing, a dramatic consequence of your being damaged in childhood!” Healing requires facing evil squarely. I had to say to my grandfather: “What you did was wrong, despite your reasons for it. You, knowingly or unknowingly, committed a crime against me and now I know that. But I still choose to forgive you.” The understanding and compassion I gained in revisiting the past made me see the bigger picture: the chain of abuse that was passed down from one generation to another in my family. In exposing it, I have decided to break the cycle. With courage and determination I chose truth over denial in order to create a different present and future for myself, my daughter Stella and the generations to come.
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REFLECTIONS
This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before.
You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Focus: What is focus for me? Is focus important to reach my goals and to cultivate balance in life? If so, why? How can I develop focus?
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Chapter 5: BRIDGING PAST WITH PRESENT
My Parents, Myself
109 Neurotic Love 113 Self-Esteem 115 Avoiding Conflict 118 Transference and Projection 121 Covert Anger 124 Overt Anger 126 Unhealthy Submission 127
Reflections
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Chapter 5: BRIDGING PAST WITH PRESENT My Parents, Myself To empower ourself, the lies we tell ourself must be uncovered first. Stephen Wolinsky, The Tao of Chaos, page 189 My mum, dad and granddad had a common pattern: they were all selfcentered and self-righteous, trapped in their self-defeating behaviors and neurotic love. As a child, I promised myself I would never become like them and consequently I went on to live a life in rebellion of their traits. I was determined not to be angry, abusive, over-responsible and emotionally dysfunctional like my mum. I swore I would never be a pleaser and live a life trapped in fear, silence and paralysis like my dad. I was convinced I would never be arrogant, defiant and domineering like my granddad. I believed I could be better than them and this exaggerated self-confidence blinded me for years to the truth of who I really was. As I learned during a seminar based on Bertold Ulsamer Family Systemic Solutions work, sons and daughters who see their parents unhappy often say in their innermost thoughts, “I will do differently and I will do better than you!” This kind of statement hides a layer of arrogance and can express a light form of contempt for our parents. Children generally assume that they are better and more capable than their own caretakers. Only later, often in their forties or fifties, will they realize how similar they are to their principal carers and they will have proof that they could not do or be better than them. For years I was in denial of my own self-centeredness and self-righteousness, the unavoidable legacy of my family. I didn’t know
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that we cannot escape a reality of life: we cannot avoid adopting the behaviors of our parents and/or other adults who play a major role in taking care of us as children. In some ways we become like them. Denial stands at the intersection of true and false in the mind. It keeps the seemingly negative or dark side of us so deeply frozen within our unconscious that most people go to their graves without ever knowing even a small portion of their deeper self. Dr. Paul Vereshack, Help Me. I‘m Tired of Feeling Bad. Chapter 20, quoted in: www.paulvereshack.com
Neurotic Love The basic condition for neurotic love lies in the fact that one or both of the ‘lovers’ have remained attached to the figure of a parent, and transfer the feeling, expectations and fears one once had towards father or mother to the loved person in adult life; the persons involved have never emerged from a pattern of infantile relatedness, and seek for this pattern in their effective demands in adult life. In these cases, the person has remained, affectively, a child of two, or of five, or of twelve, while intellectually and socially he is on the level of his chronological age. In the more severe cases, this emotional immaturity leads to disturbances in his social effectiveness; in the less severe ones, the conflict is limited to the sphere of intimate personal relationships. Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 74 When I met Leonardo I had just turned 23 and it was love at first sight, or so I believed. He embodied everything I had dreamed of since I was a little girl: the handsome, valiant knight who had finally come to rescue and protect me from the awfulness of my childhood home and life. I was unaware at that time of how my relationship STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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with him would reveal deep, dark truths about myself that I had been denying for years. After our first few months together, which were a romantic whirlwind, I started to be more demanding of his attention and protection. Soon Leonardo became familiar with my emotional neediness. On an unconscious level my neurotic behaviors were feeding his own emotional neediness to fulfill his role of the one who was the rescuer within our relationship. I needed someone to take care of me; I was needy. He needed someone to take care of; he needed to be needed. Seemingly, we were the perfect match from the very beginning. A true paradox! Both of us were oblivious to the fact that we had just begun a codependent relationship based on neurotic love. It wasn’t long before Leonardo’s emotional distance and inability to face conflict began to surface. Leonardo is eleven years older than me. Back then, he was on a promising career path. He was mature and I welcomed the wisdom of an older man who I felt was guiding and taking care of me in a way my father never had. The fact he had already been married and was separated with two children (then nine and 12 years old), whom he deeply loved and visited every weekend, didn’t bother me too much at first. I would be breathless in his company, literally swept off my feet and in awe of everything he said. He didn’t appear to have many needs of his own and I was wrongly led to believe his role in life was mainly to nurture me, not to be nurtured. This made him very desirable indeed. I met Leonardo one month after starting my first job as an export assistant. He was working in the same company and I later found out had coincidentally supported my application for employment over the other applicants. After four weeks we started our romance. A few months later, Leonardo helped me choose and move into a small apartment. He lent me money to buy furniture and settle into my new place. He gave me all his emotional support when I was rejected by my parents who did not approve of our relationship. I soon found myself no longer depending on my family but on Leonardo. I was 110
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doing exactly what my first psychologist had warned me against when I was 20: I had left my parents and immediately entered a dependent relationship. I forgot about my primal need to build emotional health and independence first. From the moment we got together I remained shut in denial. I considered Leonardo a devoted lover and companion, despite the fact that he was working one month in Italy and then two months overseas. Every available weekend was spent with his children. Soon, unconsciously, he had taken on the role of my distant, self-absorbed, unavailable father. I began to lead a kind of double life. When Leonardo was traveling abroad with work I would meet up with my old school friends, and the month he was back I would abandon everything to be the good lover and trusted companion. I would spend every weekend he was in town with him and his children; without a doubt they were his priority. Each Sunday, when it was time to take them home, he would drop me at a cafeteria not far from where his little son and daughter lived with their mum, so that she and the neighbors wouldn’t see his girlfriend. Despite having been separated for seven years, Leonardo still could not confront his ex-wife with the reality that he was moving on with his life. According to him, she was emotionally unstable and often reacted irrationally, and the children often bore the brunt of her negative behaviors. Leonardo, as a result, was afraid to rock the boat and further endanger his son’s and daughter’s safety. Sometimes I would have to wait alone at the cafeteria for thirty minutes, other times for more than an hour. I was never sure how long he would be. I never asked and I never voiced my needs or discontent. I told myself the children’s happiness was more important than mine and focused on what a fantastic father Leonardo was. I didn’t want to put demands on Leonardo, for fear of disappointing him. I believed if I waited patiently and without complaining I would benefit later; we would have dinner at a restaurant and end up spending the night together. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Was Leonardo really the devoted, generous lover and valiant knight I had considered him to be? Caught in my own denial and self-deception, I told myself he was. This was the first lie I created about our relationship along with the impression that I was happy. The undeniable fact was that the majority of the time I felt lonely and emotionally low. Every Sunday, I sat in paralysis in that cafeteria swallowing my frustration in order to please, just like my dad had done many times in his life. Today I can connect those memories to the moments of paralysis I experienced as a little girl when I was forced to sit for hours in a cafÊ by my grandfather and his old friends. Day by day I built layers of resentment inside, just like my mum had done for years. What happened to those promises I had made to myself when I was a child about not becoming an angry woman like my mum or a pleaser like my dad? The truth was slowly emerging. Despite my firm intention not to be, I was in many ways no different to my parents. The first year with Leonardo was, in reality, a lonely one for me. I was completely isolated from my family. I clung to those few precious moments Leonardo and I had alone. From the beginning our love affair had been a sexually active one. I was not comfortable with the fact that Leonardo was very sexual though. Today, I believe this discomfort was due to my past experiences as a sexually abused child. I now understand that those who have been sexually abused or molested sometimes experience a lack of interest in physical or sexual matters. They may easily connect pleasure with something to be ashamed of, therefore something to be avoided. I didn’t vocalize my true emotions to Leonardo. Words and feelings stayed trapped in the back of my throat and in the depth of my stomach. In desperate need of love and protection I was not going to say or do anything to jeopardize my romance. So, I kept silent. Silent about my discomfort as far as our sex life was concerned, silent about my disappointment that he was away so often, silent about my frustration when he left me waiting indefinitely every Sunday 112
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evening while he took his children home, silent about my emotional pain and unhappiness that he wouldn’t confront his ex-wife about our relationship. I could only stay silent for a while though. I couldn’t continue to contain all the layers of hostility, frustration and anger I had stored inside me. Before long, I was expressing my discontent explosively and violently towards Leonardo, just like my mum had done so many times with my dad. After only one year our romance became a true emotional struggle.
Self-Esteem Leonardo and I had been a couple for one year when we decided to move in together. Our first home was in Tuscany, where Leonardo had taken a new job that didn’t involve long trips away so that we could spend time together more often. Eighteen months later Leonardo changed his mind and we returned to our home town. I could no longer deny that he missed his old lifestyle. He was drawn back to the opportunities of traveling abroad which enabled him to distance himself from reality and enjoy the luxuries of five-star hotels. This time around he worked overseas every other month. I followed him silently, giving up an unexpected chance to develop a career in Tuscany. The owner of a chain of fashion stores had asked me, after I had been one of his sales assistants for only three months, to take over a managerial position, and I was ecstatic. However, as usual, I didn’t prioritize my professional needs and gave up the opportunity without thinking about what I really wanted. The unconscious message in my mind, that I blindly followed, was that only in being there for others and making others a priority, could I be and feel worthy. This was the same unconscious message that had constantly driven my mum’s behaviors. Until I started to work in counseling, I had never realized how arrogant we both were to assume that others couldn’t cope without our help or presence. After our return from Tuscany, my life became chaotic and I STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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was unable to recognize that something was not okay. My self-esteem was deeply shaken by everything that was happening in my life, in particular by the increasing number of shameful and aggressive arguments I was having with Leonardo. At times I was silent and submissive, acting out the role of a good young woman in love. At other times I became verbally abusive and nasty as Leonardo failed to meet my emotional needs. He began to withdraw from me more and more. Though he kept on reassuring me of his love, he was becoming extremely detached emotionally and numb to both my feelings and his. He failed to really understand my compulsive and childish needs for love and protection. Although on the surface he was seemingly generous, powerful and authoritative, underneath he was unavailable and withholding, scared of conflict, self-centered, indecisive and critical. In this way and on one level, he was a narcissistic partner just like my dad. Not only had I become like my parents, despite swearing I never would, I was also in a relationship with a man who, in many aspects, resembled my father! Why didn’t I leave him? Completely cut off from my family and totally insecure, I consciously feared I could not make it alone. I unconsciously assumed I didn’t deserve any better. Lacking in selfconfidence, I chose to remain together with a man I thought I loved but who certainly could not fill the deep void within me. Meanwhile, I continued to foster toxic anger towards Leonardo. I was silently unhappy and disappointed at the situation I had unintentionally created. Without knowing it, I was also angry at myself. Overwhelmed by denial, lacking in self-esteem, and regardless of the fact that I had free will, I decided to stay with Leonardo. He was a young goodhearted man who, unbeknown to me, with his narcissism, emotional distance and proven inexperience to stand up for his own rights and for those of his children, was setting the stage for my irrational childish side to keep on behaving neurotically.
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When do you think that love was given you and how did you receive it? Do people in your adult life treat you in similar ways? Many children of narcissists blindly repeat patterns of inadequate loving. As adults, our childish minds, which wanted love from the narcissistic parent, choose narcissistic partners with whom we continue to struggle for love. This childish wish undercuts our power of decision to move on. It keeps us on an unrequited search. Our adult minds suspect that love won’t come but don’t know how to break our patterns of choice. We are out of touch with thoughts and feelings that have their hold on us. We see our habits but not our blind spots. We can be intellectually aware of our interest in narcissistic people but emotionally we are unable to change. Elan Golomb, Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, pages 190-191
Avoiding Conflict Each time we had a heated argument, in response to my verbal abuse Leonardo went silent and withdrew from confrontation. As a natural result I became more and more aggressive not only towards him but also towards myself. When out of control I would, at times, hit myself with my own fists. Leonardo would then become heavily critical and overtly sarcastic. The angrier I became, the more judgmental he was of me, just like my dad had always been with my mum. Whenever I showed my volcanic fury, Leonardo would project his own anger onto me and minimize the issue that had caused my eruption. Somehow, he was very similar to the man described as the Water Torturer by Lundy Bancroft, international speaker, counselor and author of books about abusive men’s behavior. Leonardo could assault me without even raising his voice. He tended to stay calm in arguments using his own coolness to push me over the edge. He was able to twist things beyond recognition to make me appear absurd and STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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out of my mind. At times he was inexorable in his quiet derision and meanness. When I was attacking him with my verbal abusiveness, he used to look at me as if I was crazy and say, “What the hell are you talking about? You always act like a drama queen! I have never done anything to you. You are crazy just like your mum.” As a result friends or relatives used to back him up, probably thinking, “I don’t understand what it is with her. She can be so explosive sometimes. It is amazing how Leonardo remains so calm and relaxed.” I was always the wrong one, just like my mum. And nobody could even understand that behind the mask of my mother’s furious anger and mine, a deeply confused, scared child was desperately trying to survive and resolve the torment of her past. For years, by avoiding any kind of conflict, Leonardo kept on suppressing his own true feelings of frustration and resentment, just like my dad had done all his life with my mum. Moreover, he never vocalized his unhappiness at being involved in a relationship with me: an unhealthy and irrational woman. One of his major payoffs was that, like my dad, he didn’t have to take the responsibility of leaving me nor did he have to take the risk of hurting me. He could remain in his comfortable zone of paralysis, distance, numbness, judgment, lack of nerve and overall unhealthy submissiveness. He could live in peace! What Leonardo failed to acknowledge is that in withholding from an honest conflict, he did indeed avoid pain for both of us, but it was just a temporary measure. In the long run his anger increased and the pain it caused, for everyone in our family, was much greater. On a conscious level, Leonardo would explain that he responded like this to ensure peace at home. And I am convinced that the way he suppressed his frustration and anger was in part an automatic reaction, adopted early in childhood, to ensure he didn’t harm me. I came to understand in counseling and during my training that in this way he
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might have thought and felt he was protecting me. If he had ventilated his real anger, the irrational fear was that he could seriously hurt me. Like most adult men who have learned as children to suppress unpleasant emotions in order not to hurt or displease their caregivers, Leonardo might have been afraid that he could be overpowering and seriously dangerous if he were anything but cool and in absolute control of himself. Like many do, Leonardo failed to recognize that each time he avoided conflict he gave up the right to express his needs and wants and kept on building up layers of dissatisfaction. Every time he withdrew from a genuine confrontation, showing a lack of emotional strength, he didn’t see how small he became in my and others’ eyes (and I would dare to say his own eyes too). Moreover, he missed the opportunity to deal with me firmly and lovingly about my real need for psychological help. The truth is that besides ensuring temporary peace at home, Leonardo’s failing to stand up for himself provided him another major payoff. A payoff driven by the belief he had absorbed in childhood: he could be significant only by feeling needed and playing the role of the rescuer. It was a real paradox: instead of rescuing me or protecting me from further pain, as per his conscious intention, with his fear of confrontation he ensured I remained trapped in my neurotic behaviors. Isn’t it what we all do when we don’t honestly confront our loved ones in fear of hurting or displeasing them? We end up hurting them and ourselves even more. After each fight, feeling desperately alone, ashamed and driven by my fear of losing his acceptance, I would beg for his forgiveness and find love in the sexual crumbs of our relationship. We were my mum and my dad.
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Transference and Projection If transference really is couple enemy number one, why is it such a mystery to the general public? It’s true that the concept that we “marry our parents” has been embraced in psychological circles for decades; and the spousal accusation “You’re just like my mother {or father}” has been batted about for just as long. These words have been interpreted by most mates very loosely, however. The first reason that transference remains largely unknown among the general public is that it’s kept a very low profile (though its symptoms are highly visible). With relationship education virtually nonexistent until recently, most couples are simply uninformed. Just as the deleterious effects of cigarettes and monosaturated fats on our bodies weren’t broadly known thirty years ago, the severe effects of transference on couple health have yet to be made part of today’s popular consciousness. Generally, the only partners who truly understand what’s going on in the power struggle – that is, that they’re displacing onto each other negative feelings that would be more appropriately assigned to their family members – are the ones who find themselves in the office of a couple counselor versed in this theory. The second reason that the truth of this phenomenon has yet to catch on is that transference functions like a blind spot. …Most of us skim the surface of our emotions like feather-light bugs on a lake; below churn dark, mysterious waters composed, in the main, of archaic feelings associated with our parents and siblings. This deeper emotional reality is difficult for many mates to contact, mainly because of a seriously underestimated, but monumentally important, childhood need – that is, the need to idealize our parents or early caregivers. Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee, The New Couple, pages 229-230
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Living behind a mask, for many of us, comes from a disturbance in our early relationship with anger, the most threatening emotion. Anger, between child and parent, is inevitable. No parent can fulfill all of their child’s needs. “A parent’s job is to neither retaliate nor abandon the child in the face of the child’s anger. The parent’s duty is simply to survive his son’s or daughter’s anger,” says the late D. W. Winnicott, a well-known child psychoanalyst, in an article from O, The Oprah Magazine. Leonardo had a compulsive habit of avoiding any kind of confrontation with me and this was due to his unconscious transfer of his mother figure. He was not aware that he was continuously transferring the love and hate he felt for his mum, onto me! As a child, he had a mum who, like me, was incredibly emotionally needy, anxious and insecure: a mother in need of protection. She was very depressed during and following her pregnancy with Leonardo. She came from a very poor background and had a husband who did not consistently support the family financially. For years she had nurtured fear about the future. Only a few years ago she admitted that she was worried about not having enough money to feed her second child, once he was born. She never hid her overwhelming anxiety from the family, least of all from Leonardo, even when he was just a little boy. The repetitive message Leonardo received as a young kid was to keep quiet and be still, not to annoy or provoke his mother. If he did simply dare to move, speak or behave inappropriately, he could create problems! The risk was that he would displease her, maybe make her lose her job (he used to go with her to the houses where she worked as a cleaner), and probably as a natural consequence increase her already-high level of anxiety. She was not the only one who would have been affected though; the whole family would suffer the results of her emotional instability. What a burden for a child to be responsible for the happiness and peace of his own mum and his circle of relatives. Leonardo was an energetic young boy. However, he was often not allowed to act out his STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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full range of emotions. Anger, in particular, was frowned upon by both his parents. As a child, Leonardo created the internal belief that if he ever revealed and vocalized his childish anger to his mother, he would not only hurt her, but lose her love too. A young boy or girl will do anything in their power to avoid losing mum’s or dad’s love; every child is completely dependent on parental acceptance and protection during the period of infancy and puberty. Therefore Leonardo, as many children do in similar situations, must have assumed that he was responsible for his mum’s and family’s happiness. In order to please both of his parents and ensure peace at home, he gave up a part of himself very early in life: the authentic, vital, passionate aspects of him were suppressed and replaced by paralysis and emotional entrapment. Leonardo’s relationship with his mum and with his family meant that from a young age he absorbed the belief that his self-worth was dependent on pleasing others, being super-nice with everybody and sacrificing his own needs while creating a public image of a hero. Over the years, he abandoned his real self and tried his best to keep quiet, not expressing frustration or negative feelings. In order to make everybody happy, he became what his mother and father wanted him to be: the obedient boy. When he didn’t he was forced! Leonardo was told by his mother once that when he was about eight years old he was taken to the doctor who gave him a series of injections and medical remedies in order to control and calm down his rebellious emotional and verbal behaviors. After that, she recalled that he finally transformed into the good boy. In adulthood, Leonardo realizes and admits today, he has always been labeled the good and loyal man, just like my dad. While growing up he continued to act out the message he had absorbed when he was a young boy: expressing or vocalizing anger and negative feelings is not okay because you can hurt people. It is much better to swallow them and detach from them, just as his parents had done all their lives. For many years, until he started 120
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his own journey in counseling, Leonardo remained unaware that all this had led to his almost complete loss of power and masculine strength. When a parent is too needy, however - because of depression, loneliness, overwork, unhappiness, alcoholism, selfishness, intolerance, insecurity, or a host of other factors - a child will instinctively put the parents’ needs ahead of her own. In creating a false front to manage parental demands, the child puts a mask into place – a mask that soon hardens into a shell. Mark Epstein, ‘Living Behind A Mask’, an article from: O, The Oprah Magazine, November 2000
Covert Anger Internalized, bottled-up anger is pandemic in our society and its consequences are catastrophic domestic violence, violent crime, all kinds of inappropriate aggression, war at all levels, despairing destructiveness. Anger is the most disallowed, unapproved of emotion in our society, and therefore the most repressed. The tell-tale body signs of repressed anger are visible all over: locked jaws, clenched fists, stiffened backs, jutting chins, raised voices, smoldering eyes. The evil seeds of imploded anger bloom in a thousand ways every day, destructive to others and ourselves. If we can only learn to be appropriately angry in the moment, protecting our personal territory against real invasion, anger would be a fitting response, an appropriate resolution of challenges, a treatment without negative side effects rather than a chronic condition whose impotence yields destruction. Gabrielle Roth, Maps to Ecstasy, page 63 Something wonderful is lost when naturally occurring anger is suppressed: our spirit becomes impoverished and aspects of our self STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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seemingly disappear. If we cut off the anger centre in a child’s brain, we would have as a result a very passive, probably highly obedient child. But what would happen to such a passive child when he enters kindergarten or school? Others would probably walk all over him. Too often we forget that a whole, healthy, happy person can experience anger, as well as more pleasant emotions such as joy and enthusiasm. Like many of us do, Leonardo kept on repressing anger when he became an adult. As a child, he had been powerless to act differently. As an adult, he had free will and could choose. His choice was to continue to deny, minimize and project onto others his old, internally bottled rage and dissatisfaction. There were times when I guess I unconsciously tried to make Leonardo mad so that I could see his assertive capacity to say: “This is enough!” As Dr. John Spensley told me once, many women intentionally or unintentionally may provoke their partners to see them express their anger. Many men, in fact, have a hard time in giving voice to their own aggressive feelings in a healthy way in partnership; they tend to withhold them. When a man never gets upset but minimizes and reduces everything to a mere joke, somehow he hides from his spouse and himself too an essential part of his own masculine power. As Melodie Beattie puts it in Codependent No More: “Sometimes, we prefer to stay angry. It helps us feel less vulnerable and more powerful. It’s like a protective shield. If we’re angry, we won’t feel hurt or scared, at least not noticeably so. Sadly, many of us have had no place to go with all that anger. We swallow it, bite our tongues, stiffen our shoulders, push it into our stomachs, let it rattle around our heads, run from it, medicate it, or give it a cookie. We blame ourselves, turn anger into depression, put ourselves to bed, hope to die, and get sick because of it. Finally we ask God to forgive us for being such horrible people for feeling anger in the first place.” 122
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So how and where was Leonardo’s anger expressed? He projected his own covert anger onto me. I was the mirror of his denied anger. He blamed me for being the drama queen, just like my mum. This was the excuse he used each time we argued. It was the pretext which also served him to deliberately withdraw from the conflict every time we had a family discussion. He was the ‘cool husband’ while I was the ‘insane wife’. This was the justification which kept him trapped in denial for years and which impeded him from taking ownership of his own old repressed fury towards his mum and dad first, and then himself. There is a particular way of responding to anger that causes trouble in intimate relationships. My colleague John Gottman found what he called stonewalling in his studies of happy and unhappy marriages. More often shown by men than women, it is a cold withdrawal from interaction, in which the stonewaller won’t respond to his partner’s emotions. Typically, stonewalling is a response to the anger or complaint of the other person, in which the stonewaller retreats because he feels unable to deal with his feelings and the feeling of his spouse. It would be less damaging to the relationship if, instead, he acknowledged hearing his spouse’s complaint, recognized her anger, and asked to discuss it at a later time when he could prepare and feel in better control. Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, page 121 Women get upset if their men don’t healthily vocalize their anger. I did with Leonardo and my mum did with my dad. For me, like for my mum, and I suppose for many other women too, the urge to see the emotional release of masculine energy through healthy anger in our partners is huge, though very often unconscious. Not as an expression of violence of course, but as a form of positive and assertive force through which, as women, we feel and get the protection we crave STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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from a man. The risk for the woman is that, if bottled up for too many years, the man’s repressed anger might finally explode uncontrollably. Should a man express his hostile feelings through strong positive assertiveness and without violence, the result would be the woman feeling released and freed.
Overt Anger I had sworn I would never become negatively angry like my mum. As an adult I rejected and denied those aggressive traits for years, incapable of seeing that they were already deeply rooted. I externalized and projected them on her and refused to acknowledge that I had adopted them. I didn’t know they were indeed what had saved me. Dr. John Spensley and Gill Spensley, his sister, explained to me that anger in some way rescued me from early traumatic events in childhood, giving me a sense of self and making me feel alive despite all the abuse I had to endure when I was young. Overt anger was the energy that always motivated and moved me forward in life. With time and experience I came to agree with those wonderful and compassionate therapists who enabled me to integrate this truth for the first time. I needed anger as a child to survive and feel as though I was alive. This is what we can call existential and healthy anger. Anger gives us the energy and strength to protect ourselves. Yet anger at a parent is almost always threatening to a child. So in order to dispel this threat, most children will create a false identity which pleases their parent. The strongest children, however, become rebels and intensify their anger. John Bradshaw, Creating Love, page 6 Yes, I needed anger to survive as a kid but surely I did not need anger as an adult in my relationships with my husband, daughter, friends and parents. When my anger was out of control it made my 124
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daughter hate me, my husband reject me and my friends and family abandon me. My anger, which I kept on misusing as an adult, meant that I re-enacted the toxic cycle of loneliness, isolation and shame I had been addicted to since I was very young. My displaced anger made me feel like the wrong one over and over again. Anger, had saved me when I was a child; as a grown up it was sabotaging and destroying my life. Often we seem to forget that anger is part of our existence. When anger is existential it serves a purpose; it is a tool of protection and we need it for our very survival. It’s not bad in itself. But anger and aggressive behaviors are also very often the result of deep, old hurts coming from our childhood and remaining unresolved in adulthood. Beyond a certain level, the longer we hold on to our toxic anger from the past, the longer we will continue to hurt ourselves. This is neurotic anger: the anger which fuels silent blame and prevents empathy, love and joy from flowing freely throughout our bodies and minds. The trick is to determine which is which. In counseling, I was told I could stop behaving so aggressively and I was convinced I would. These behaviors, however, were rooted so deeply in the most hidden parts of my unconscious that as an adult I would compulsively react with hostility in situations where I felt abandoned, betrayed, unprotected or abused. When I was with Leonardo, the neurotic, childish part of me had found the perfect match to re-enact the variety of negative emotions and self-defeating behaviors I had adopted early in life to protect myself and survive the horror of my childhood. The reality was that Leonardo was abandoning the inner needy child in me when he was giving time and attention to his own children, or when he was traveling with work. When he was unable to confront his ex-wife, who verbally assaulted me in public and over the phone, he was betraying my inner child who needed protecting. As a sexually abused girl, I experienced him as domineering when he desired sex more than I did and I was unable to find my voice and simply say STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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“No”. I had many reasons to leave him but a lack of self-esteem and fear of the unknown prevented me from doing so. Besides, there was my own payoff for staying with him: the crumbs of love I craved and to which I was addicted as a result of not having a close relationship with my father when I was young. How could I even think of giving them up? As M. Scott Peck puts it in his book, Golf and the Spirit: “The golfer who refuses to correct a bad habit, such as slicing, despite his despair over the matter, does so because he has a strange investment in the habit. He is cooperating with it, just as much as the habitual wife beater. The latter may despise his own behavior, but he persists in it because it has some kind of payoff for him.” I was openly directing at Leonardo the rage and bitterness I had concealed for years and which had been growing inside me from early on in our relationship. He had chosen to separate from his first wife because of her imbalanced emotional behaviors, only to find himself in a similar situation with another woman, eight years later. Was it a mere coincidence? Leonardo did not tolerate anger in people and he strongly judged it as the most dangerous of feelings and responses. I was still not aware that my explosive anger was a mirror of Leonardo’s implosive anger and vice versa. Somehow and not coincidentally, we had come together to help each other to heal.
Unhealthy Submission I had sworn I would never become silent and unhealthily submissive like my dad. For many years, as an adult I rejected and denied the fact that on the contrary I had become a wimp and a coward just like him. In fact my aggressive attitude alternated with moments of compulsive submissive behavior. If I was with someone who would allow it, someone who was compliant, I transformed into the arrogant and domineering controller, just like my mother and grandfather. However, when I was with someone who was abusive, autocratic and coercive, I would become extremely submissive and silent: the good 126
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girl. Interestingly enough, Leonardo’s vulnerability and inability to show his own assertive power, gave space for my aggression to magnify. On the other hand his mask of authority and apparent responsibility brought out my unhealthy submission. In our relationship these two opposing sides of me, in having almost equal opportunity to reign, contributed to foster my deep emotional imbalance.
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Bridging Past with Present: What does it mean to bridge past with present? Is it relevant to bridge past with present to know myself better, to reach my goals and to cultivate balance in my life? If so, why?
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Chapter 6: Emotional Addictions
129 Control and Over-Responsibility 133 Struggle and Loneliness 137 Silence 141 Choice 149
Honesty
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Reflections
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Chapter 6: Emotional Addictions Control and Over-Responsibility “Live and let live” is a very popular slogan. It is the action and attitude that a codependent couple, like my mum and dad, or Leonardo and I, lacked more than anything else. As a matter of fact, in a codependent relationship both partners share the common ground of control, which is the opposite of freedom. As an abused child I developed the capacity to be constantly alert and in control of who and what was around me, I needed to be in charge of my surroundings to survive. In adulthood, as the result of traumatic events in my childhood, I came to apply the same criteria. It was like a sort of unconscious addiction. How did I apply my addictive control? By modeling what my mum and granddad did for long time: I manipulated and took responsibility for everything and everybody, especially when I was not asked. I gave my love to others by doing things for others. I helped, offered my advice, and finally stepped into the role of the over-responsible woman, wife and mother for almost all my life. In this way, I thought I was being good and generous and indeed people considered me so. But in reality, it was fake generosity, as behind my mask was the unconscious, compulsive need to control and therefore to take on board responsibilities which were not mine. As Charles L. Whitfield says in Boundaries and Relationships: “I can keep all my painful feelings partially at bay by trying to control them, you and others. To accomplish this I will do nearly anything, including manipulate, lie, betray and even give up my True Self. Manipulation is trying to get something indirectly, and I likely learned it from my family and society of origin. In manipulating and trying to control, boundaries are nearly always blurred
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and/or overly loose or rigid. I invade your boundaries or let you invade mine in an attempt to control you – or someone or something else. But except for a few things, like our bladder and bowels, control is usually an illusion. By trying to control life in this way, I often won’t get what I want anyway.” For years, as an adult, I remained oblivious to the fact that my actions and relationships were not fueled by genuine love and generosity. On the contrary unconscious emotional forces such as compulsive fear, guilt, shame and anger drove them. How much had I become the controller and responsible for others lives, totally forgetting to be in control and responsible for my own? Leonardo and I had been living together in my native hometown in Italy for six months when we started talking about getting married. Over Christmas we went to Yemen on a two-week holiday and we had an amazing time. Before we met, Leonardo had hardly traveled for leisure. During our previous trips to Greece and Australia that I had organized the year before, he discovered he loved to travel for fun and pleasure, not only for business. We were both delighted for different reasons. Leonardo’s happiness came from enjoying life more as a consequence of our travels, without having to personally do anything to make them happen. On my side, I was forming the impression I had found a way to have control by organizing things for him. My control, besides making me feel safe, also assured me of his love. (Or at least so I thought!). The morning after we flew back from Yemen we were still in bed when the phone rang. It was Christian, Leonardo’s son. He was asking for his dad’s help as his mum had thrown him out of the house. He was 16 and going through a very rebellious teenage time. Leonardo’s indecision and lack of assertiveness surfaced as he turned to me and asked what he should do. How was I supposed to know? Christian was not my son and he certainly was not my responsibility either. 130
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Leonardo suggested that Christian could go and live with his paternal grandparents, who were at that time in their late sixties. On hearing this idea, I suddenly sprung into compulsive action. I felt the sudden responsibility to act for Leonardo and his young boy. I believed I had a duty to take care of them. How arrogant of me! I was consciously driven by feeling guilty for having taken Leonardo’s attention away from his children as the new woman in his life. Subconsciously, I was fueled by the need to take responsibility for Leonardo’s life and therefore by the desire to buy his love and approval. By allowing Christian to come and live with us, Leonardo wouldn’t leave me and surely, I thought in the back of my mind, would love me even more despite my misplaced anger and irrational behaviors. How often we justify our actions as being out of love when indeed they are driven by the opposite force: our fear of losing love. In working through the core issue of needing to be overresponsible for others, we first identify that we have a problem with boundaries. We can next identify our boundaries, eventually clarify them, and then learn to set healthy boundaries and limits.... This leaves us better able to be responsible for our self, with clear boundaries with others. There is often a delicate balance between the dynamics of dependence and independence in a healthy relationship and being over-responsible for others. A way to begin handling this balance is to be real with ourselves and others and to monitor and experience our inner life, while having healthy boundaries and limits in our relationship. Another manifestation of being over-responsible is trying to change, rescue or fix another. To handle any of these, we can use any of the above ways, and we can experience compassion for the other who may be in pain. Charles L. Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, page 154
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Leonardo was too busy traveling six months a year to take proper care of his son. If his ex-wife had hoped that in rejecting Christian she would cause our relationship to break up, she couldn’t have been more wrong. The situation just reinforced our unhealthy and ongoing codependency and my control over Leonardo’s life. Without being asked, I assumed total responsibility for Christian. How? When he refused to return to school, I helped him to find a job as a waiter. If he didn’t come home at night, I was the one who worried. While Leonardo was not too bothered about his son’s future, I suggested that he should send Christian to study English abroad in order to give him better job opportunities. I also encouraged Leonardo to call his friends at the Sheraton and Hyatt Hotel headquarters, to enquire as to whether there were any opportunities for his son to gain experience in the hotel and restaurant industry. The healthy and sensitive part of me really cared about that young abandoned boy and I wished someone could give him the chance to travel and be exposed to life outside of our little town in Italy. The neurotic side of me though was convinced that in helping, by doing for Christian and Leonardo, I was being generous and therefore worthy of their love. In reality I was not, I was being dishonest, manipulative, selfish and highly controlling. I was unconsciously driven by fear instead of love: fear of losing their acceptance, which I desperately needed in order to escape from my constant sense of unworthiness. Early on in my relationship with Leonardo I was driven by neurotic love and behaviors, low self-esteem and a sense of not being good or worthy enough. I was acting out a pattern I had learned from my mum in order to take control of others’ lives and secure those crumbs of love I yearned for. I kept on assuming responsibilities that were not mine rather than acknowledging and focusing on my own unmet needs.
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And having learned to deny our own yearning to be taken care of, we grew up looking for more opportunities to do what we had become so good at: being preoccupied with someone else’s wants and demands rather than acknowledging our own fear and pain and unmet needs. We’ve been pretending to be grown up for so long, asking for so little and doing so much, that now it seems too late to take our turn. So we help and help, and hope that our fear will go away and our reward will be love. Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much, page 66
Struggle and Loneliness Despite all my efforts to gain love and acceptance, the results were, to my surprise, the complete opposite. Pretty soon Christian started to nurture silent hate and rejection towards me. I was a total stranger to him, so what gave me the right to discipline him and take control of his life? He rightfully wanted his parents’ support, not Elisabetta’s. Leonardo, on his side, became more distant and kept avoiding the issue of marriage. This should have been enough to convince me to leave and search for a relationship in which I would receive love without doing so much to get it. Living alone, as my psychologist had suggested, would have been healthier and certainly much less of a struggle. At that time though, I was totally unaware of my addiction to struggle. As a child, struggle was something I experienced daily, as was loneliness together with the longing to meet a valiant knight who could free me and keep me safe. As an adult I started to unconsciously recreate these behaviors, feelings and fantasies on a daily basis, which was a real paradox as struggle and loneliness were what I desired least in my life. For years, I had observed my mum experiencing life as a struggle; I witnessed her suffering in her loneliness and yearning for my dad’s protection. I vowed I would never follow in her footsteps. Eventually, after four years together, I told Leonardo that STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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I couldn’t stand the situation any longer. I was tired of being his girlfriend for only six months of the year and being alone the rest of the time. I was fed up with caring for his son and taking on board responsibilities that were not mine. I gave him an ultimatum: either he married me or I left. Two months later, our wedding took place. Undoubtedly, our marriage was due to my own action and choice, not his. Just like in his first marriage, Leonardo chose to stay silent and avoid confronting the reality of being in a relationship that was very unbalanced. He didn’t know what he wanted. The day before we got married, he told me quite simply that if in six months I hadn’t changed, he’d leave with the excuse of going to buy his favorite brand of cigars and never return. We were happily married on the 14th of July, 1990… with that horrible threat hanging over my head. Was Leonardo solely responsible for what was occurring in my life? Absolutely not! I was a 27-year-old woman and I was responsible for my choices. There were an infinite number of possibilities open to me; I just needed to trust and take one of them. But as a result of my childhood emotional wounds, I was fearful and unable to master my overwhelming insecurity. I had made my decision to be with Leonardo motivated by my constant emotional needs, lack of self-esteem and fear of loneliness. These latent and powerful forces blinded me to how Leonardo, in his own inability to face conflict with others and me, was the complete opposite of the valiant knight I had always dreamed about. How could this man, incapable like my father of protecting himself first, provide me with the love and protection I had been looking for since I was a child? How could he rescue me from my craziness and inner desperation? The same unconscious forces also prevented me from realizing that in choosing to remain with Leonardo I was feeding my addiction to those things and feelings I wanted least in my life: struggle and loneliness.
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We end up acting our addictions and completely relying on them in order to function. After a while our addictions, whether an actual substance or a behavior, have taken such a compulsive hold over our lives that we forget why we started them in the first place. However, it is always our emotional patterns that drive us into some kind of addiction. Tim Laurence, You Can Change Your Life, page 207 Was I in full control of our relationship? In fact, Leonardo was as much in control as I was, simply in a different way. He knew I was alone, rejected by my family, therefore I desperately needed him. He was my only family. He was all I had. Unknowingly, he might have felt a sense of significance in being my rescuer. Each time I behaved aggressively towards him, he would initially withdraw, blame me, minimize the situation or be subtly sarcastic and manipulative. Later he used to come and save me from the black hole of despair I always sank into after our arguments. In this way he re-enacted the role of rescuer he played with his mum when he was a child. His relationship with her was emotionally enmeshed in that he took responsibility for her happiness and the needs that should have been met by her husband but were not. ….A covertly incestuous relationship results in many unmet emotional needs. Additionally, unresolved issues regarding guilt, autonomy and attachment are carried into adulthood. These wounds contribute directly to one’s choice in a marriage partner. The notion that we marry our mothers or fathers is true when you look at marriages of covert incest victims who have not yet healed from their emotional wounds. They marry people emotionally like their opposite-sex parents in an attempt to work out these issues and heal the wounds. The hopes and illusions are so strong they prohibit the recognition that needs will again go unmet. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Invariably when I ask covert incest victims if their spouses are anything like their opposite-sex parents, the response is “yes”. Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced, page 87 Leonardo was aware I wasn’t going to leave him now that I had someone who I made myself believe could take care of me. Did I gain the acknowledgement and love I expected from him? Apparently so, he eventually married me. With marriage I fulfilled my need to be rescued and protected; that was my payoff. However, I understood with time and experience that Leonardo had his own payoff too. He married me as a result of his compulsive need to rescue and provide protection, assuming the role of the hero and of the one who was responsible. His choice was not logical and deliberate but emotionally charged and neurotically driven; it gave him the sense of worthiness he was looking for. As Kenneth M. Adams affirms in his book, Silently Seduced: “Rather than choosing an emotionally mature adult, covert incest victims choose spouses who have been emotionally wounded in childhood. So instead of two emotionally mature adults striving to be intimate, you have two adults with childlike emotions struggling to be close. The quarreling and bickering is like that of two children on a playground fighting for turf. Sometimes these relationships are like two children, other times like parent-child in their interaction. The relationship rarely resembles two adults interacting. Satisfaction is seldom realized. After all, it is adults, not children, who create intimacy.” Leonardo certainly didn’t choose to share his life with me out of genuine, unconditional love for who I really was. Like me, his choice was triggered by unconscious motivations, which eventually fueled his decision to get married. If he hadn’t, he would have had 136
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to own responsibility for Christian, his first son, which would have meant making someone other than himself the priority. In assuming responsibility for him, Leonardo would have had to face the struggle I was myself experiencing with his young boy. Knowingly or unknowingly, marriage was the easy way to avoid conflict, to deny reality, to maintain a life of apparent peace and to be able to make his personal needs and career his prime concerns. Were my behaviors and choices more appropriate than Leonardo’s? Were my mum’s more appropriate than my dad’s? In comparing and judging we fail to be responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We miss the opportunity to end our addictions to substances, behaviors or emotions. We don’t recognize the infinite possibilities available to us. Today I am able to admit that, like Leonardo, I didn’t get married out of unconditional, genuine love either. I did it out of a latent, neurotic urge to be loved, accepted and protected. Leonardo’s threat, that he would leave me after six months if I did not change, didn’t touch me. I was so hungry for immediate emotional attachment and unable to live without the mere crumbs of love that Leonardo, a young divorced man with two children, could offer me at that time.
Silence Sometimes we try to make our feelings disappear because we are afraid of them. To acknowledge how we really feel would demand a decision – action or change – on our part. It would bring us face to face with reality. We would become aware of what we’re thinking, what we want, and what we need to do. And we’re not ready to do that yet. Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, page 142
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Leonardo married his first wife and then me driven by a compulsive fear of confronting situations and assuming real responsibility to assert his own needs and rights as a man. He hated and refused to face and engage with the anger his first wife and I both carried and conveyed with shameless hostility. Leonardo had avoided confrontation and repressed anger since childhood. As an adult, he continued to do so, responding to my threats with silence and neglecting his true feelings. I was well aware that he was not fully committed to marrying me, and looking back, I can honestly acknowledge that I resented him for his lack of commitment and action to affirm his unconditional love. Pushing him to decide by resentfully giving him an ultimatum did not change anything. It only magnified his indecisiveness, submissiveness and paralysis. It merely served to highlight my apparent domineering power. In reality he was as much in domineering control as I was, and I was as indecisive, submissive and in paralysis as he was. Forcing Leonardo to make a choice when he was certainly not ready, left me once more feeling wrong, alone and unwanted, just as I had felt throughout my childhood. Like me, my mum silently took on the leading role in the family. She took responsibility in teaching my brother and me values and discipline. She was the one who showed and maintained a great interest in our education. She made important decisions for all of us. She managed the shop, where my father was working too. She dealt with my grandfather’s manipulative financial generosity to supplement my dad’s rather ordinary income and lack of ambition. My mum never realized that in doing everything and being so silently responsible, she was not only fulfilling her own neurotic need to control everything and everybody but she was also feeding my dad’s emotional narcissism, numbness and irresponsibility. Without realizing it, she fostered in him the opposite of what she desired most: action, emotional support, protection and leadership. She, like many do, played a major role in maintaining Dad in his comfort zone, and she prevented him from 138
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taking on his leading role and expressing his masculine power as her husband and head of the family. My dad, in silently allowing my mum to assume responsibility for all the major family decisions, nurtured her basic need of feeling alive by helping and assuming control of others’ lives. If he had asserted himself, spoken out, made decisions and taken his role as the leader, it would certainly have created conflict. Most of the time, in fear of confrontation, he withdrew and most probably convinced himself that he was protecting us from the pain that conflict could cause. All of this merely enabled the continuation of the cycle of my mum’s and dad’s neurotic love and codependency. I vividly remember that by the time I was 12, my mum was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from taking charge of our family. She was also threatening to leave. This was almost certainly an opportunity for my dad to step up and own his power. He could have given my mum a break and in doing so begun to change the dynamics of our family and possibly break the toxic spiral of neurotic love. Yes, my mum and dad had the chance to shift their neurotic behaviors; our future could have been very different. However, my dad developed what I believe to be an unconscious sequence of psychosomatic illnesses which only perpetuated their codependency. He began to take refuge in invalidism and never came close to achieving anywhere near his real potential. I presume that my mum felt guilty and also ashamed, as if her frequent outbursts of frustration and rage were to blame for my dad’s ill health. She silently threw herself into caring for him full time, again caught up in her own compulsive trait of needing to do for others and give to others in order to buy their love. Through his ill health, my dad ensured he didn’t need to assume any responsibility at home, take any risk, fulfill any commitment or make any apparent effort to communicate his positive or negative feelings, vocalize his deep desires and express his masculine strength, which was indeed what my mum wanted the most from her husband. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Instead, he decided to remain emotionally paralyzed, shut-down in silence for the rest of his life. Somehow, in his subconscious mind, this might have been his subtle way of taking his revenge on Mum for having driven him insane for so many years. Some of us squelch our anger with a controlled, monotone voice, others of us disguise our anger with sorrowful tears, anything to keep from showing our angry selves. When we attempt to anaesthetize ourselves to our anger, we automatically become numb to all of our emotions. In the transaction we lose our spontaneity, our sensitivity, and our creativity. We can become anxious and depressed as a result of suppressed anger. We may find ourselves overeating, not sleeping well, or turning to addictive practices in our attempt to relieve ourselves. These addictive behaviours may include abusive substances, and forming disastrous relationships. Our unresolved anger may show up in our behaviours in other ways. We may treat others with hostility. When we refuse to confront the true object of our anger, we are apt to transfer our anger to a safer target, like our wife or husband, friend or child. We may sabotage others or ourselves; we may be habitually late or forget important responsibilities; we may provoke others; we may fight against authority; we may act out sexually; we may become compulsive jokers or teasers; we may be bigoted; we may become destructive; or we may become hypochondriac. Our suppressed or inappropriately-expressed anger may affect our bodies adversely. Besides heart disease, other diseases such as cancer, high blood pressure, disturbed digestive systems, asthma, respiratory problems, and migraine headaches may result, as well as backaches, neckaches and sore muscles. Sometimes it is easier for us to stay with our feeling of hurt than it is to feel our anger for having been hurt. Of course we need to feel and express out hurt, but when we stay in that emotion in
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order not to feel our anger, then we tend to get stuck in a victim role. Allowing our anger to be felt and expressed empowers us and helps us move from the victim role to a place from which we can better protect ourselves. The move from hurt to anger is obvious in our body language, also our voice stops whining and becomes strong. Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, pages 46-47 While revisiting my past, the truth began to unfold. Both my dad and Leonardo, in shunning responsibility and confrontation, were avoiding facing the hurt and the anger they had experienced in childhood and which they had never processed. This resulted in their remaining in silence, stuck in addictive emotional behaviors that respectively exacerbated my mum’s and my own neurotic attitudes and, in turn, nurtured the damaging spiral of neurotic love and codependency. My mum and I, trapped in our emotional addictions, as well as denial, and highly driven by the compulsive fear of losing love and being alone, played our roles too in keeping the poisonous cycle of neurotic love alive.
Choice When our daughter Stella was one year old, Leonardo took the opportunity to work in Jakarta, Indonesia, for two years. He moved there first, in order to find a home for us. Despite having lived abroad already for a few months when I was a teenager, going to live in Asia was a totally new experience. This was not a three-month trip around Europe to study a new language or work as an aupair. It was a two-year commitment on the other side of the world. I was happy to be going and starting a new chapter in my life. We had visited Jakarta nine months earlier and seen the lifestyle opportunities offered to expatriates. The package promised by STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Leonardo’s company was extremely attractive. But at the same time I was sad to be leaving Italy and to be saying goodbye to my friends and to the town I had grown up in. When I arrived at Jakarta’s airport with my baby, I had just begun to grieve for all I had left behind. At first, the grieving process was healthy. After a while though, it transformed into a vicious cycle which led me to remain trapped in the past instead of motivating me to focus on the adventure ahead. Leonardo met us with news that left me in shock. We would not be living in the expatriate area of town which we had visited months before, but in a new suburb that was under development. It was an hour’s drive from the city centre, a result of the terrible traffic. All our neighbors were middle class Indonesians who didn’t speak English; I didn’t speak any Bahasa Indonesia. There was no pool or garden as had been promised. Where would we be able to relieve ourselves from the heat and extreme humidity we were not used to? The icing on the cake was that there would be no telephone services for at least eight months. Leonardo didn’t seem to consider any of this a real problem, his coping mechanism was to avoid conflict and minimize situations, and in doing so, he did not stand up for himself or others. I, on the contrary, certainly considered our situation problematic. In no way did this match the expectations I had, which were based on what the company had agreed in Leonardo’s work contract nine months earlier: expectations that I believed had already been met when I read the descriptions of our new home in letters Leonardo had written to me. On top of this, I soon discovered that the work Leonardo’s company had promised me, in one of their travel agencies, was suddenly no longer available. How did Leonardo respond? He discounted the disappointment and anger I felt and labeled me as a hysterical wife who had been spoiled too much as a child. The lack of English-speaking people around, except for an Australian family in which the wife was a serious alcoholic, was not the only obstacle; the customs and traditions were also unknown to me. Immediately I found myself in culture shock and feeling isolated; it 142
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was the same isolation I had so often experienced as a child. As driving in Jakarta is so dangerous, Leonardo’s company provided us with a car and a driver that he normally used for work. At that time there were no taxis or other means of public transport available in our area, so very often I was trapped at home with Stella. The only acquaintance I had when I arrived lived on the other side of town, in one of the three main expatriate areas. After visiting me once, she said she would rather I visited her instead; all the people I met over the following months expressed the same wish. I had trusted Leonardo to find us a home. I knew that he had good intentions to look for somewhere suitable; however, when he arrived and discovered the company had already bought us a place, despite the original plan, he wasn’t able to assert his rights and our basic practical requirements as a family. And I was not there to voice my needs. The company took advantage of Leonardo’s silence and my absence. When I arrived, everything had been officially agreed and accepted. There was no apparent alternative; we had to live in that place. As a result of my own compulsive submissiveness and my codependent relationship with Leonardo, I found myself unconsciously giving life again to a situation of struggle and loneliness. I believed that I had no choice. Day after day, I became more angry and unhappy. The bulimia that had started when I was 15 in Canada with my grandfather, resurfaced with a vengeance. Also, my alopecia areata showed up again and my hair began to fall out. I put on a good amount of weight and entered a vicious cycle of starting a diet on Monday then blowing it by Wednesday. Food became a real obsession. I was overwhelmed by guilt and shame for not being disciplined enough or good enough to maintain my commitments to myself. I used laxatives daily and I did my best to go to the gym three times a week, when the driver was available, to compulsively exercise in order to lose the extra kilos I was rapidly gaining. I slept a lot, binged a lot, cried a lot and often watched television. Caught in misery, I became lazy and STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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failed to be present with myself and Stella. I had awful daily arguments with Leonardo, blaming him for our situation and my unhappiness. I would easily break down in tears, full of sorrow and regret for all I had left behind in Italy and what I could have done differently. Intimacy and sex with Leonardo began to be an issue too. I think that my unconscious motive for not being intimate with my husband and shying away from sex was my subtle, vengeful way to punish him, as I believed he was not taking as much care of Stella’s needs and mine as he should have. Caught up in his career and emotional numbness, he minimized the situation at home. From my point of view, he was driven by the fear of losing his job if he asked the company to respect their business agreement, despite it being his right. I felt he was not doing enough to help his family and that he was taking no responsibility to find solutions that could enhance our lifestyle in a country where everything was alien to both of us. On his side, Leonardo was using my increasing outbursts of anger to serve him as a comfortable excuse for his self-induced unhappiness within our marriage. I became more and more bitter towards him, others and myself. I indulged in food, tears, depression, laziness and paralysis, each day feeling more trapped in a tunnel of blame and loneliness. I was addictively focused solely on the problem, my unhappiness and pain; I was closed to any possible alternative or solution to my situation. As I had learned from my mum and dad, instead of honestly facing my feelings, I shut down in self-pity and criticism. I created more pain for myself and remained unable to see and grasp the opportunities available; my self-centeredness and self-righteousness deceived me once again. The way that parents influence their children most deeply, however, is by example. Children instinctively observe the choices that parents make, the freedoms and pleasures they allow themselves, the talents they develop, the abilities they ignore, and the rules they follow. All of this has a profound effect 144
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on children: “This is how to live. This is how to get through life.” Whether children accept their parents’ model or rebel against it, this early socialization plays a significant role in mate selection and, as we will soon see, is often a hidden source of tension in married life. Harville Hendrix, Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, pages 29-30 I could have left Leonardo temporarily and taken Stella back to Italy. I could have decided to make the most of the circumstances and focus on what a blessing it was to have time to simply enjoy being with my little girl; I could have got to know my baby daughter and delight in seeing her grow into a wonderful toddler. I could have learned Bahasa Indonesia and built relationships with the local people. I could have dared to ask Leonardo’s boss, who was the owner of the company, to sponsor my classes. I could have made more of an effort to be involved socially. In the beginning, inspired by my natural enthusiasm for life, I did push myself and tried my best to connect with the world outside Bintaro, the area where we lived. I enrolled in a French course at the Alliance Française and became a member of the American Women’s Association. But shut in a cycle of addictive laziness, pessimism, selfpity and blame, I never finished the French course or involved myself in any social events or charity groups. I justified my inaction by using the excuse that we were living too far away and Leonardo always had the car, both of which were true but needn’t have stopped me from going out if that is what I had decided I really wanted to do. After learning about my masochistic behavioral dynamic, I am now familiar with the reality that I was justifying my situation in order to stay in my comfort zone: being dependent on Leonardo and avoiding taking any responsibility for myself or even Stella’s well-being. As usual, there was a payoff for my behavior: I didn’t have to make any decisions or put in any effort. I could keep on blaming my husband
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for being indecisive and irresponsible. In this way, I could be seen as the victim and gain the attention of friends and relatives. I could make Leonardo feel guilty and accountable for my suffering, just like my dad had made my mum feel as the result of the chain of his psychosomatic illnesses. The outcome of staying stuck in my comfort zone was that I spent two years of my life complaining and blaming; I caused more struggle and loneliness for others and myself. Recently, while reading the notes of one of my past training workshops, I was reminded that when we hit the wall of our own limitations, one of our first reactions is to look around for someone else to blame. Those two years could have been so different if I had had the awareness that I have today and realized that the negative thoughts and emotions I was projecting on Leonardo were the repercussion of a childhood spent in a depressing, negative environment where unhappiness, abuse, pessimism, self-pity, manipulation, blame and lies were a daily reality. In Jakarta, I was still stuck in the past, unknowingly recreating the experiences of my childhood. Ignorant of the choices I had at hand, I was repeating the toxic cycle of masochistic codependency I had observed and adopted from my parents. Erich Fromm in The Art of Loving clearly explains the situation: “The passive form of the symbiotic union is that of submission, or if we use the clinical term, of masochism. The masochistic person escapes from the unbearable feeling of isolation and separateness by making himself part and parcel of another person who directs him, guides him, protects him; who is his life and his oxygen, as it were. The power of the one to whom one submits is inflated, may he be a person or a god; he is everything, I am nothing, except inasmuch as I am part of him. As a part, I am part of greatness, of power, of certainty. The masochistic person does not have to make decisions, does not have to take any risks; he is never alone – but
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he is not independent; he has no integrity; he is not yet fully born.” Abused children, whether abused overtly or covertly, whether mistreated physically, sexually, verbally or emotionally, often feel hopeless and as if they have no real sense of control over their lives. They never learn to trust their intuition or their gut feelings. They assume that they don’t have needs or rights of their own, that they don’t deserve any better and overall that they have no voice and no choice. My experience of Primal Therapy with Dr. Spensley enabled me to understand that abused and neglected children tend unconsciously to re-enact situations where they continue to attract abuse because this is what they are used to and addicted to. Unknowingly, the immature emotional part of them is trying to resolve issues which they could never confront as children because of a lack of choice. Children don’t have a choice! My mum was emotionally and physically abused by her father and abandoned by her mother. As an insecure and emotionally unstable adult, she kept on recreating abusive situations in her life. According to Dr. Spensley, sometimes the abuser we attract in our life is passive aggressive instead of purely overtly aggressive. Therefore, my mum might have repeated the same pattern of abuse from her childhood in her relationship with my dad, despite it not being outwardly obvious. My dad was never violent or hostile like my granddad used to be; he simply appeared to be emotionally numb and extremely fearful. His feelings were there but he was disconnected from them to the point that he was perceived as completely distant and indifferent. He couldn’t verbalize his own unhappiness and resentment about what was not working well in his life. On the surface he was the very opposite of my grandfather who was outspoken and argumentative. In denying his own anger, my dad projected it on others, blaming my mum for being crazy and me for being the aggressive troublemaker. In so doing, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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he did not realize he was building up layers of implosive anger and silent frustration that, as he got older, he started to express subtly and vindictively through sarcasm, bitterness, minimization, criticism and lack of commitment. This was just as damaging and painful as explosive anger and abuse. Leonardo and I had the same dynamic. In our family, I had become the overt abuser like my mum, while he was the covert abuser like my dad. If I had known then what I am aware of now, would I still have loved Leonardo? I believe I would have. I had seen his beautiful mind, his tender heart and his gentle, loyal spirit through the pain he felt at having lost his children. However, if I hadn’t been so neurotically needy and lonely myself, if I hadn’t been rejected and cut off from my family of origin, who never supported my relationship with a divorced man with two children, I would have most probably chosen to love him from a healthy distance. I would not have thrown myself immediately into a relationship of such intensity and intimacy. Yet, with no sense of self, I continued to deceive myself and believe that I was happy with all that a divorced man like Leonardo could offer me.
If a person has not reached the level where he has a sense of identity, of I-ness, rooted in the productive unfolding of his own powers, he tends to ‘idolise’ the loved person. He is alienated from his own powers and projects them into the loved person, who is worshipped as the summum bonum, the bearer all love, all light, all bliss. In this process he deprives himself of all sense of strength, loses himself in the loved one instead of finding himself. Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 77
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Honesty Leonardo remained my idol for the first ten years of our marriage, until I decided to look inside, ask for help and confront the roots of my own neurotic love. He was a fantastic mirror for me in that I saw in him a reflection of myself in so many ways. Through his own behaviors I discovered how many of my own choices in life had been driven and controlled by guilt, shame, fear, indecisiveness, silence, submission, need of approval and most significantly my non-existent sense of self. Today I know that Leonardo didn’t just cross my path by chance. Though I can admit that my decision to marry him was fueled mainly by emotional neediness, caused by unresolved pain, I am aware that deliberately committing to him as a wife, instead of divorcing him, was the wisest decision I could ever have made. I came to understand that in my marriage, my spiritual mission was to search for, accept and process all those parts of myself that I had denied and kept secretly hidden. For many years until we almost divorced, I disowned several of my own negative traits and acted them out in my marriage. This is a reality, which unfortunately, the majority of us fail to recognize throughout our married life. If our relationship comes to an end, we tend to have a list of what is wrong with our partner and naturally enter a cycle of anger and blame. How can we avoid this? We could respond by taking a look at the list of those traits and become honest enough to reclaim and honor each one as an integral part of ourselves. Accepting that what we judge wrong in our partner is potentially in us too, diffuses anger and discounts blame. By taking responsibility of our part in the failure of our marriage, we can start the real healing process. As a believer I choose to see that God is the one who can guide us to see ourselves for who and what we are, even if it is through the behaviors and attitudes of a real challenging partner. When we trust that both the good and the bad, the positive and the negative, are part STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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of our humanity, we can start to heal by integrating all of the qualities and traits that we have rejected in us, judging them as wrong. Until we do this, we will continue to project on to our partners what we don’t like in ourselves and we will keep on attracting partners who reflect back to us those parts of ourselves that we disown. If I hate my partner’s fear of conflict, arrogance or lack of sense of responsibility, my priority is to recognize the presence of those same traits in me. When I am ready to see things in this way, it is helpful to keep in mind that my fear of conflict, my arrogance and my lack of sense of responsibility may show up to a different degree in me than they do in my partner. One thing is undeniable: if I am able to identify those traits in my partner, it is only because they belong to me too. It doesn’t matter how fearful of conflict or arrogant or irresponsible I am compared to my partner. What is relevant is the presence of those traits in me as well. Sometime we get stuck in this process because the quality we most hate in our partner is one we are certain we have never displayed. For example, if our husband has betrayed us by having an extra-marital affair and we know we never betrayed him, it might be challenging to recognize our own betrayal. In this case it would be necessary to look inside and find out if we have displayed that particular trait with ourselves. To uncover this hidden aspect of who we are, we may need to ask: “What about me? When and how have I been betraying myself?” Each behavioral trait to which we react in a negative way belongs to us too and is one we display – either with others or with ourselves. My relationship with my husband was a major challenge during the years of my transformation. At times it still is. It was not by remaining stubborn and continuing to disown parts of me that I didn’t like that I achieved my dream of creating a healthy relationship with Leonardo. Indeed it was not by avoiding but by being open to tolerate the pain of the problems that I encountered in my partnership with him that I learned the most and became stronger and wiser. I developed incredible honesty with myself about my past and present. I broke the cycle of neurotic love and masochistic emotional imbalance 150
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I had been caught in, and I started to be able to give, receive and teach my daughter healthy and genuine love. If my love is neurotic, if it’s possessive, if it’s sick, all that I could teach you is neurotic, possessive, sick love. Leo F. Buscaglia, Living, Loving & Learning, page 11
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Emotional Addictions: What do I know about emotional addictions? Is it important to be aware of how emotional addictions work and may drive my choices, in order to reach my goals and cultivate balance in life and in family?
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Chapter 7: Discipline
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Happiness
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Pain
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Free Will and Willpower
171
Reflections
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Chapter 7: Discipline Happiness …We have to learn all we can from everything that happens in our lives and act on that learning and share what we learn with others by how we live. That’s how we make everything that happens count. Oriah Mountain Dreamer, The Dance, page 173 Coming to terms with emotional, physical and sexual abuse is a challenge. Writing these pages has been stressful, emotional, tearful, but most of all, healing. The story of my childhood is a painful one. I have chosen to share it, not out of revenge, not to blame anyone, not to be seen as a victim, and not to justify my behaviors but to give others the opportunity to learn from what I have learned. Empowering myself through the understanding of what happened in my past and sharing my story to empower others gives a new meaning to life. Kahlil Gibran says in his wonderful book The Prophet: “Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy.” I believe that each of us has experienced some degree of pain in childhood. Whether it was caused intentionally or unintentionally is irrelevant. What’s relevant is recognizing and accepting that to some STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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extent we did have pain and it was unavoidable. For some of us the pain was emotional, maybe caused by neglect, rejection, abuse, divorce, or a death in the family. For others the pain was physical, caused by an accident, a serious illness or violence. Then, we have all experienced the pain synonymous with growing up, leaving childhood behind and becoming young adults. As children, we instinctively learn to avoid, repress or dissociate from pain. We create a fortress around us, a fortress of behaviors, which can protect us and enable us to survive distressing events and adversities that we can’t escape. When we grow up and become adults we no longer need to use these behaviors to protect ourselves. Often, however, they have become so much a part of the way we live that we don’t realize we are still behaving in ways that are no longer necessary or appropriate. These behaviors that once created a fortress to protect us, in the present become a fortress that imprisons us. What was, in childhood, the life-saving function of repression, avoidance and disassociation is transformed day by day into a dangerous and self-destructive force which can leave us in adulthood incapable of empathy for others but concerned only for ourselves. The majority of us have never fully confronted the unresolved pain of our childhood. We run away from it but it never runs away from us. The pain that we were unable to express in childhood stays with us until we deal with it and we learn from it. In our lives as adults it affects our choices and our dreams, it influences the way we relate to and communicate with others and ourselves, and I am strongly convinced it has a great impact on our ability to truly forgive. More often than not, the suffering we stored inside and never acknowledged or vocalized causes us and others to keep on suffering in some way. Can we put an end to this pain now, in the present? I believe we can. We can choose to go back to our past and find the root of our present pain. We need to identify, confront and understand it before being able to effectively let it go. Then, and only then, can we be freed from the hurt that holds us back and subtly influences our emotions, 154
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thoughts, actions and results: our life! Debbie Ford, in her book The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, suggests that, “In order to gain wisdom and freedom from your past, you must take responsibility for all the events that have happened in your life. Taking responsibility means being able to say to yourself, ‘I did that’. ” Admitting the pain we suffered requires us to soften our hearts if the walls of our fortress, founded on fear, sadness and anger, shame and guilt that have built up over years, are to crumble and set us free to deeply forgive and live a life of true joy and peace. In my work as a trainer and coach today, I find that many individuals are primarily searching for happiness. Many people, I believe, confuse happiness with pleasure, thinking that happiness depends on a combination of possessions, beauty, popularity and power. Many individuals also assume that happiness is the result of a definite set of circumstances. But we all know of rich, beautiful, popular and powerful people who are unhappy, in spite of the fact that they appear to be living such a great and perfect life. I have personally come to believe that true, lasting happiness comes from the courage of confronting our pain with complete honesty. This means being willing to sink into the innermost rooms of our whole being and stand naked in front of our deep hurts. Facing our pain can move us to take positive action and gain positive results. As Terry, a good friend from Canada, once told me, “Happiness is different from pleasure, Elisabetta! Happiness has something to do with struggling, enduring and accomplishing.” Pain and happiness, in reality, cannot be separated; they are two sides of the same coin. As Kahlil Gibran affirms in The Prophet, “When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.” Consider the pain of childbirth endured to create life that brings so much happiness and joy. Consider the pain of losing a loved one that comes after having spent years of happiness and joy together. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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To deny pain and suffering is to deny happiness. Pain is seen in our society as a beast to be avoided at all costs, while happiness is the beauty that should be constantly pursued. We surround ourselves with possessions and adopt attitudes that we intentionally or unintentionally use to repress our inner suffering. We suppress our pain through compulsive behaviors such as shopping, work, alcohol, TV, gossiping, sex, pornography, food, plastic surgery, gambling, the Internet, excessive exercise, depression, romantic fantasies, anxiety and indifference. Through material and emotional addictions, through our compulsive behaviors, we avoid looking into the soul of our deep-rooted emotional scars. As David Eckman explains in his book, Becoming Who God Intended: “A lot of research has gone into how addiction works, and one of the more popular theories – which I subscribe to – is that addiction starts when inner pain is incorrectly addressed. The person in pain merely reacts to it instead of investigating why it is there and meaningfully addressing the stress”. During my process of transformation, I came to understand that pursuing the beauty of true happiness means choosing not to resist or resent but to confront and embrace our pain, the beast. Pain is part of the condition of being human and is a tool through which we can grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When we avoid our suffering instead of dealing with it, we risk it being truly damaging or worthless. When we face it with courage however, and look behind the mask of the beast, recognizing the truth that lies there, we can find the inner drive to create something positive out of something negative. With passion, focus, discipline and commitment, we can eventually transform and empower ourselves from the inside, out.
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my personal experience in the past ten years, I have learned to identify and refer to them as: existential, neurotic and transformational pain.
Existential Pain I believe that existential pain affects us all and is unavoidable; it is part of the process of life. At first, it may appear a very pessimistic, depressing thing to say; however, it is a reality. Take a look at everyone’s life! When we try to deny that we all suffer pain and tribulations, we only end up making things worse. We continue to re-experience them and, unaware of the consequences, we keep on resisting or resenting them. Existential pain is the pain of giving birth, the pain of grieving for the death of a relative or a close friend. Can we avoid it? Existential pain is the pain I see Stella, my daughter, going through in her transition from childhood to adolescence and transforming into a young woman. Existential pain is the pain of growing older; it is the distress of realizing the need to slow down and having to change our daily activities as a result of losing our youth. Do you really think we could deny it? Existential pain is a fact of life. Why then do so many of us refuse to accept it and tend to resist or resent it? Why do we not embrace it as a natural part of our human condition? Embracing it doesn’t mean staying stuck in the pain forever and letting it control our lives! It means first acknowledging it and then dealing with it. It means making the choice to transform it into something positive and valuable for our own and others’ personal growth and life. Existential pain calls for our wisdom and our courage; indeed, it is because of it that we grow mentally and spiritually. As M. Scott Peck explains in a passage of his book The Road Less Travelled, “...Wise people learn not to dread but actually to welcome problems and actually to welcome the pain of problems.” As a consequence of the tragic events that occurred on September 11th, 2001, in New York City, many people in the USA STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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and around the world experienced loss and unavoidable pain. On the morning of 9/11/2001, I was on Kona Island, Hawaii, attending a six-day workshop run by Anthony Robbins. I was awake early, quietly sitting on the terrace of the residence where I was staying. Before closing my eyes to pray and meditate, I remember admiring the view in silence: the garden full of frangipani trees and the clear blue sky. I was aware of others in the house beginning to wake up and the murmuring of morning greetings. All of a sudden the sense of peace and tranquility, with which I had started my day, was shattered as one of the people I was sharing the house with came out onto the terrace in a state of shock. He was pacing up and down wildly and babbling incoherently on his mobile phone. I caught the words bombs, attack, New York and rushed into the living room where, within a matter of seconds, everyone was in turmoil. Some of us were searching desperately for the remote control to turn on the TV, others were frantically making phone calls, and then as the image of a plane crashing into one of the Twin Towers appeared on the screen, we all stood still, dumbfounded. For a few minutes I felt as if I was dreaming and could not grasp that what I was watching was really happening. The voice of the TV reporter and the reactions of those around me broke my trance. I began to comprehend that this was not a fictional nightmare. I found myself in tears, with a knot of fear, sadness and pain in my throat. How was this possible? Why had this happened? It just didn’t make sense. Over and over again, the same images of the tragic sequence of events appeared on the screen. In front of them, we all remained paralyzed. After a while, I left the room and went back onto the terrace. Looking up at the beautiful sky I found myself asking God, “Why and how can man cause such destruction and death, such immense pain to so many people?” I felt confused, disillusioned and indeed powerless. There were about two thousand of us attending the workshop on Kona Island and that day was the third of six. Most of the participants were from the USA and many of them knew, without need of confirmation, that they had lost relatives or friends that morning 158
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during the terror attack on the Twin Towers. All American airports were closed for security reasons. As a consequence none of us could leave the island. Initially, bewilderment and contempt reigned. What were we to do? Some of the staff and workshop organizers quickly took action to set up rooms for counseling and praying. An atmosphere of solemnity and respect was rapidly established for those grieving. Tony Robbins, as leader of the workshop, responded with sensitivity, courage, and above all with intellectual, emotional and spiritual clarity. He was able to facilitate a process that day, whereby neither the tragedy nor the suffering was ignored. Nor were they given the power to paralyze us. He was capable of facing and embracing his own pain and that of the almost two thousand participants on the island. He then demonstrated with self-control and discipline how, in times of tragedy, it is possible to respond, not to react, in order to develop emotional strength that can be used to support the ones who are suffering. That afternoon Tony Robbins asked two participants onto the stage, an American Jew and a Muslim. He coached them through their thoughts and feelings about what had happened that morning. He enabled them to recognize and give voice to their pain, anger, hate and fear. He allowed their racial prejudice to surface. Through the process he led both individuals to deal with the undeniable reality that these thoughts and feelings were keeping them stuck in attitudes of fear, bitterness, revenge, grief and hopelessness. He guided them to understand that these negative thoughts, emotions and attitudes could only magnify and perpetuate problems for future generations, and certainly not solve them. He helped them to become aware that despite their different identities, backgrounds, cultures and religions they were two human beings who were essentially the same and shared the values of peace and love. In welcoming this reality, prejudice was able to give way to understanding and acceptance. Hate, anger and fear were replaced with hope. In a space of true empathy and compassion they realized STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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that they could connect to positive thoughts and feelings, nurturing new constructive attitudes towards life. They could focus on finding hope and fostering the power to seek solutions; therefore they could take responsibility and respond with different actions. The two men on the stage, who at the beginning of that afternoon had considered themselves enemies, miraculously became friends. They realized that they had been trapped in fear and anger, a result of racism, hate, vindictiveness and old, damaging beliefs that had been passed down over generations. Most significantly, they came to the obvious comprehension that they couldn’t do anything about their own and others’ past suffering. What they could do instead was choose to take control of the present situation by adopting new and positive attitudes. They both knew they didn’t want the same future for their children and that holding onto their toxic anger and hate was not the answer and attitude required if they really wanted to make a change. Once the toxicity of those negative feelings was dispelled, there was room for understanding, forgiveness, compassion and love. The way forward was to use their suffering as a strong motivation to make a difference in their life and in the world. I am convinced that all of us in the audience were profoundly and powerfully affected that day on Kona Island. We were unable to leave that paradise island to go to help and support our families, friends and others, since all flights were indefinitely cancelled. We most definitively couldn’t change what had happened in New York that morning. Our spirits were low; we were angry and extremely sad. Many of us felt guilty about the fact we were safe and in a beautiful environment with the opportunity to enjoy ourselves and have fun. But what use would it have been to remain shut down in our fear, anger, pain or guilt? It would have just served to paralyze us and make us powerless victims of that dramatic event. At times like these, when we cannot master external situations, we forget that we do have free will and we can choose to take control of our reactions to them. We can put our attention straightaway on 160
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investigating our pain instead of indulging in it. It is a mere question of deciding what to focus on and of becoming accountable for our actions instead of giving power to immediate and compulsive negative feelings and thoughts that overwhelm and immobilize us. Those of us on Kona Island could either let the anger, hate or fear we were experiencing that morning freeze us or we could bravely endure our suffering and grief with hope and faith and then opt to not let negative emotions, thoughts and actions take control. We could direct our attention on making the most of the four remaining days of the workshop. Eventually we chose this last option. We followed Tony Robbins’s example of self-control and discipline. We did our best and strived to continue to attend the program, despite the worries and fear for the future, conscious that through it we would be enriched; we would grow and learn things that could enhance our lives and enable us to provide support to the victims of the New York tragedy on our return home.
Neurotic Pain We can’t avoid existential pain; it is part of life. Neurotic pain is a different story. It is something that we create and re-enact ourselves, driven by our conscious and unconscious addictive behaviors, beliefs, compulsive assumptions and emotional reactions. Let’s think about the nature of our pain for a moment. Is it a pattern in our life? Is it causing the same old feeling of discomfort over and over again? If it is a pain that we feel constantly and we have learned how to live with it, then it is certainly what we can define as neurotic pain. It is not the pain that is part of life: it is an optional suffering that we compulsively perpetuate. We keep on tolerating and unconsciously holding on to this kind of chronic pain in a continuous self-destructive cycle because it is all we know and have become addicted to. As Bob Proctor, a well-known motivational speaker from the USA, affirmed recently in a public workshop in Kuala Lumpur, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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at school and in the family we normally do not receive any specific ‘effective education’, and by ‘effective education’ he means education around our psychological behaviors and our thinking and feeling process. Therefore we remain unaware that old unresolved issues and traumas, swept under the carpet, are just hiding in the dark depths of our unconscious and subconscious. They become more toxic over time. Like ghosts from a distant and forgotten past, those issues come into the light every now and then to sabotage our lives. Often, we are unknowingly stuck in our childhood pain. We become trapped in infantile ways of thinking, feeling and behaving that generate the same old pain yet again in our present. Neurotic pain is an inevitable prison and remains so until we decide to develop the discipline to dedicate ourselves to the truth. As an adult I continually found myself in relationships with men who could not give me the attention, affection and protection I craved for as a child. I experienced the pain of being unwanted, unprotected, and betrayed. The more these men were emotionally distant or unavailable, the more I felt a shot of adrenaline every time they offered me the crumbs of their love. Those crumbs I greedily consumed only to find myself soon after abandoned, empty, yearning for more attention and in pain yet again. David Eckman, an American Pastor, during one of his workshops I attended in Singapore in 2005, affirmed that “Pain plus pleasure is what an addiction is based on.” As many of us do, I had become addicted to a vicious cycle of behaviors that caused me suffering but also gave me the pleasure I longed for. As long as the childhood pain was not addressed and therefore remain unresolved, my unhealthy attachment to it would undoubtedly continue and probably magnify too. In his recent book, You Can Change Your Life, Tim Laurence clearly explains: “People who have at one time been addicts often say that they have given up the anesthetic that was covering up the pain, but of course the pain – of feeling isolated, or different, anxious or depressed, is still there. To heal 162
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themselves, they need fully to contact the pain that caused them to reach for that way of dulling their feelings originally. They must feel it again in order to come through it to the other side. The other side is a place of integral goodness, a place where they can feel fine just as they are. This is true for all of us who run around compulsively.” As happens when we carry too much guilt or shame, when we hold on to neurotic pain far too long, we put our health and well-being at stake. The more we deny or resist it the more of it we build up. Neurotic pain, rather than enhancing our existence, impedes it. We ought to get rid of it as quickly as we can. If that means rushing to see a counselor or a psychologist or a life coach, then we should do that. Neurotic pain is unnecessary, and it only hinders our journey towards a life of joy and love. When we are adults we do have the ability to stop neurotic pain. The paradox is that to free ourselves from the unnecessary, chronic pain we carry along within us, we first have to enter and explore it. We have to experience Hell to eventually enjoy Heaven as Dante Alighieri did when he wrote his renowned Italian epic poem, La Divina Commedia. We have to go back to the past to find the origin of our present neurotic suffering, so we can deal with it, learn from it and finally let it go for ever. The secret to experiencing true happiness is not to avoid pain but rather be brave enough to face and embrace it. To enjoy beauty, we must confront and see beyond the beast. We need to choose to endure what during my healing journey I came to define as transformational pain. Our fear of suffering can cause us to become self-centred. It may preoccupy us with ourselves to the exclusion of others. Our fear of suffering can cause us more harm than the suffering itself. Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, page 20 STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Transformational Pain In my own counseling process, I encountered another kind of pain: the pain that comes with making changes, developing and transforming emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Unlike existential pain, which I could not avoid in childhood, when I grew up I consciously chose to welcome what I came to consider as transformational pain. A positive voice from within me kept on saying that it would be a healing and healthy path to follow. I identify it with the physical pain we may feel when we exercise. We choose to endure the painful demands of working out in order to reach new levels of fitness and well-being; we do so because we know that this pain will help us to feel good and look better. I deliberately surrendered to transformational pain to rid myself of the cycles of neurotic pain I kept on perpetuating consciously and unconsciously. For a certain time it felt worse than my chronic neurotic suffering. Nevertheless, I didn’t retreat or quit. I chose to tolerate it in counseling and during my further training to become a healthier woman, mother and wife. Surrendering to transformational pain for me has meant breaking down the walls of the fortress that once protected me and ended up imprisoning me: addressing my unhealthy and unbalanced behaviors, taking off the masks I wore in public and setting my painful secrets free. As my false, unhealthy self died off, my true healthy self was born anew. As I endured transformational pain, I was given courage and wisdom. As I acknowledged my brokenness, I healed and transformed from the inside, out.
Free Will and Willpower If understood in its proper perspective, the will is, more than any other factor, the key to human freedom and personal power. Piero Ferrucci, What We May Be, page 72
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Piero Ferrucci, a former student and colleague of Roberto Assaggioli, founder of the Institute of Psychosynthesis in Florence, Italy, in his book, What We May Be, clearly states that: “At times we are all dramatically confronted with situations which invite us to make use of the will. If we do so, our psychic voltage rises and we can move on to greater freedom. But if we don’t, we are crushed by the circumstances of life.” I choose to believe that none of us can avoid life experiences that are challenging and painful. We all go through moments when we think, “This time I won’t make it, this time it is just too hard.” Yet, in facing adversities, we can learn, overcome impossible obstacles, grow, empower ourselves and eventually be of inspiration to others. Adolfo Quezada says in his powerful book, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities: “It is only when it is clear that our suffering cannot be avoided that we forsake our resistance and enter into it with our whole selves, and thereby transform it in a life-giving force for life.” Let’s consider for a moment all those times when we learned some of the most relevant lessons in our life. Were they always when we were happy and content? Or when we were facing challenging times? My experience of running two marathons in my late thirties makes me think that in many ways life is like a marathon, and we are on this earth to run this marathon of life. In both marathons I ran, I went through challenging moments when negative thoughts and feelings took over and all I could think, feel and say to myself was, “It’s too painful Elisabetta, you can’t make it. Just give up.” Both times I was able to eventually reach the finish line. How? Making healthy use of the free will and willpower that God gave me at birth. Nobody will run a full marathon unless it is a goal they deliberately select and are determined to achieve. Nobody will succeed in accomplishing this goal without developing willpower. Free will allows us to choose. Willpower gives us the emotional motivation, courage, discipline, resilience and action. Willpower provides us with STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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the necessary extra energy to overcome the challenges and pain that must be faced in a marathon when we feel that our body is in distress and no longer responding, when the only thing our body and mind desire is giving up. It is willpower that enables us to keep running. I believe it is exactly the same when we are facing transformational pain. We have to be willing; we have to want to learn, to grow and to be open to change. In order to do that, we have to develop the willpower necessary to endure whenever the going gets tough. As when we prepare ourselves to run a marathon, instead of focusing on the pain in our body during the training, we have to re-direct our attention on the fact that we are becoming fitter and healthier. In this way we can persist and reap the final rewards. To transform from the inside out, we have to discover and fully understand the root of our suffering. If we try to avoid, resist or resent it, we suffer more. If we try to ease it or allow others to do so for us, our growth remains stunted and we cannot experience real joy and happiness; they will remain a dream. A Butterfly’s Lesson One day, a small opening appeared in a cocoon. A man sat and watched, waiting for the butterfly to hatch. For several hours it struggled to force its body through such a little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress; it appeared as if it had got as far as it could and it could not go any further. So, the man decided to help the butterfly; he took a pair of scissors and opened the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily but it had a withered body. It was tiny and had shriveled wings. The man continued to watch because he expected that at any moment the wings would open, enlarge and expand to be able to support the butterfly’s body. They didn’t. In fact the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a withered body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly.
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What the man, in his kindness and his goodwill, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening were God’s ways of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are what we need in life. If God allowed us to go through our life without obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been; we would never be able to fly. Anonymous Internet Posting, 2003 For many years, I asked myself why my parents, with their own free will, didn’t choose the path of growth and change. In my work, every day, I ask myself why so many adult people opt for the same journey as my parents: deciding to resist existential and transformational pain and in doing so unconsciously persisting and re-enacting a cycle of neurotic suffering. Why do they continue to remain in denial, to blame others or themselves and avoid taking responsibility? The only answer I can find is that by claiming responsibility for their actions or inactions, people must give up the old story line “Why me?” or “Poor me!”. Instead, they should be able to say to themselves: “I did it! I played a role in everything that has happened to me. It is now time to do something. It is time to respond with an action.” They can then move on to the acceptance that everything happened because it is part of their journey and they needed to learn a lesson and grow. When I was 23, I decided to leave my family and move to live in a flat on my own. I clearly remember my father saying, “You are leaving to live your own life. I am going to be here living with your mum for the rest of my life.” His voice was full of bitterness and I vividly recall how I felt emotionally listening to those words: guilty, for letting him down yet again. I believe he was furious inside because he knew if I was no longer there, Mum’s rage would be directed exclusively at him. He could no longer use me as a scapegoat, a buffer to protect himself. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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“What a jerk!” I thought, once I recovered from the vibe of my guilt. I had the sudden urge to reply, “You also have free will and you can choose, Dad. Why don’t you get out of your fear and suppressed anger? Why don’t you start taking your life in your own hands?” My mum coped with her childhood suffering by becoming self-absorbed, angry, self-pitying and masochistically submissive to her own neurotic pain. She was often on the verge of a breakdown because of her obsession with keeping her house perfectly tidy, her need to please her adored father and her unconscious compulsion to help and be responsible for everybody but herself. Ironically, despite her need to be there for others, she was always too tired or far too busy to spend time with her teenage daughter. The regular attention she gave me was spent in finding faults in my behaviors or choices. She would constantly compare my school results with those of my two best friends; mine were never good enough. She was overtly angry at me for what she perceived as rebellion when I didn’t do or say exactly what she expected. When she became totally overwhelmed she would yell at me her hidden, sad truth: how much better her life would have been if I had never been born. My dad never confronted her about her behaviors, and apparently ignored his true feelings of frustration, anger and unhappiness about his marriage. He never had the grit to face and deal with his unresolved, neurotic pain which led him to be highly tolerant of a borderline woman like my mum. He ended up mentally and emotionally numb, addicted to food, TV and pornographic comics, blocking out any of his real feelings. Physically he was often sick and from his early fifties he had several heart problems and underwent several heart operations. He never chose the path of responsibility, and if you had asked him, just before he died, whether he was happy for the forty seven years he was married to my mum, he would have told you he surely was. This totally contradicts the message he gave me when I left home years earlier. Like my dad, my mum didn’t opt for the path of responsibility 168
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to acknowledge and deal with her inner pain. If she had, she would have freed herself from guilt, shame, self-pity, fear and selfdefeating anger. She remained unhealthily submitted to a husband who neither supported her emotionally, nor protected her and his children physically. She chose the easy way: blaming others for what was not working in her life. She continued to vent her unhappiness through major outbursts of rage with herself, family members and acquaintances. The Bible tells us that, “the sins of a man shall be visited unto the third and fourth generation.” If you wish to give your children the best possible gift, the best possible entree into life, remove your shadow from them. To give them a clean heritage, psychologically speaking, is the greatest legacy. And, incidentally, you will go far in your own development by taking your shadow back into your private psychological structure — where it first originated and where it is required for your own wholeness. Robert A. Johnson, Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche, pages 34-35 When I chose to run my first marathon in Singapore in 1999, I was 37. I had never run before. As a young kid I never did any sport or physical activity, as I had bow legs when I was one year old and as a natural consequence, I grew up having to cope with the challenge of walking with pigeon feet until pre-puberty. Whenever I used to run, my mum and dad would find it funny, and tell me I looked like a giraffe. I dreamed of being a dancer, which was not what my mum wanted for me and to rebel against her choices was out of the question. My granddad bought me a piano when I was eight. After a couple of years, the huge fear of upsetting him by saying I would rather have dancing lessons than learn to play the piano silenced my wishes and STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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further suppressed my dreams. I grew up never doing any physical exercise, not even at school as a teenager; my mum always minimized its importance. So, what motivated me to take the deliberate decision to run my first marathon? When I’d reached 37, an inner positive voice fueled the required conditions to make me set and achieve this goal. I wanted to prove to the child still alive in me that what I had been told when I was a young kid was not true and that I could run like anyone else. I was not a giraffe! When I resolved to run my second marathon in New York in 2003, just after I turned 40, another powerful motivation determined my decision and stimulated my willpower. I wanted to prove to my daughter Stella that even a mother in her forties could make the impossible, possible. Several times in my life I used my free will and willpower to walk the path of responsibility. One example is when I was in my twenties and left my family because I wished to protect myself and get out of a toxic environment. Another example is when I left Spain alone with Stella in 2004 and went back to live in Singapore. At that time my inner drive was to prove to myself and Stella that I could choose to let go of my codependent relationship with my husband and build the foundation of a healthy life for all of us. In all the above situations, a strong motivation from the inside made me identify my goals and develop the passion, discipline and focus I needed to accomplish them. Looking back, I realize that when I decided to search inside, ask for help and press forward with my sessions in counseling and my training around the world, the inner drive was even stronger and deeper; I was open and willing to break the toxic chain of abuse and neglect that had kept my family enslaved to neurotic behaviors and pain for generations.
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If your parents abused you as a child, that does not mean that you have to abuse your own children. Yet there’s plenty of evidence to indicate that you will tend to live out that script. But because you’re proactive, you can rewrite the script. You can choose not only not to abuse your children, but to affirm them, to script them in positive ways. Stephen R. Covey, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, page 316
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Discipline: What do I know about discipline? Is it important to develop discipline in order to reach my goals and cultivate balance in my life? How can I develop discipline?
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Chapter 8: Motivation
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Patience
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Faith and Hope
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Reflections
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Chapter 8: Motivation Patience So, if you’re not becoming everything you want to be, doing everything you want to do, and having everything you want to have in life – if you’re not doing the things that are contributing to the legacy you have envisioned for yourself – then it might be time to explore other possibilities. Look to change! The cost can be very little compared to the possible gain. John Kalench, The Greatest Opportunity in the History of the World, page 96
Believing I can achieve my goals and dreams and that I can take emotional and intellectual control of my life is an attitude that has taken time to create. It did not just happen overnight. In 1992 Leonardo and I made our first common vision. We had visited Bali a few years before and on the way we had stopped in Singapore. We were not married at that time but we promised each other we would return and live together in Asia one day. This vision became reality when, two years later, we found ourselves flying back to Bali to sign a contract that would enable us to live and work in Jakarta. While spending time in Bali I met a young Australian couple, Mario and Jane. Mario was originally from Italy and despite the fact that English was his first language, he spoke Italian quite well and over the following days we became friends. Chatting together by the pool every day, I observed them reading books by American authors I had never heard of. The books were about positive thinking and about how to create magic in our life. I was extremely curious to discover STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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more, so Jane, noting my interest, suggested I read a few pages of her book, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Browsing through those first few pages I became fascinated by the story of the tiny, blonde lady who appeared on the cover of the book. Hay, claimed to have won her battle against cancer at the age of 40 not by traditional medical means, but through her renewed positive attitude towards life. Doctors declared it a real miracle. Enthralled, I went on to read the entire book. According to this gentle, American writer, everything is possible in life and, by transforming your attitude towards events, situations and people, any dream you have may come true. As I read though, a part of me was extremely skeptical; I still believed life was a struggle full of difficulties that were beyond my control. However, at the same time another voice, coming from within, suggested I keep on reading and stop doubting. Eventually, the more positive and healthy voice won. I chose to continue my reading, though I was still unable to truly be convinced and fully comprehend all the optimistic beliefs and thoughts expressed in those pages. When Jane left Bali she promised to send me one of the other books I had seen Mario reading. I knew that at that time I could not find this kind of literature translated into Italian, and I hoped that Jane would keep her promise. I couldn’t wait for the book to arrive. Weeks passed and I became more and more frustrated as no parcel showed up. I lost faith and hope and began to assume it never would. Three months later a small box came, by courier, from Australia. What a wonderful surprise! Now I can recognize that the delay in it arriving was no coincidence. It was to teach me an important lesson: how to be patient and have faith and hope. I had to set aside my frustration and skeptical thoughts, I had to start to accept, trust, and above all surrender to a higher power – to God. At that time I had no idea that the parcel had come for a specific reason that would change the course of my life. I can still vividly see myself, almost 16 years ago, at the front door of my grandmother’s house. I was opening the box and looking 174
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at the book which Jane had sent, as promised. The book’s title was Real Magic by Wayne W. Dyer. Reading it entirely changed my way of thinking. The moment I received that book and began to explore its contents, my transformation was set in motion, in the direction of real change. I compare myself to an old steam engine that after years of standing still is ignited again and slowly starts to warm up and move. Little by little, it picks up pace and before long it is running smoothly on its track, heading for its destination. In reading Wayne Dyer’s book, despite my intellectual side continually doubting, I began to learn that miracles are possible. Not only are they possible, they are also very common. This was a different message from the one I had often heard during my childhood. Over the past 16 years, that book has had a magnetic quality that has drawn me back to it time and time again. Why do I feel so attached to it? In his book, when writing about magic, Wayne Dyer includes the following lines by Samuel Taylor Coleridge which became for me a constant source of inspiration: “What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep you dreamed? And what if, in your dream, you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand?”
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For years, I felt and believed that I was powerless. I was blocked by my low self-esteem, addicted to negative emotions and pessimistic thoughts and I was living with no real purpose. This book hadn’t come into my life simply by chance. Looking back, I know that reading it set my patience, faith and hope in motion. Since then, they have enabled me to stay on track and they have constantly inspired me to pursue my goals and dreams. ...Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed. The Holy Bible, John 20:29
Faith and Hope With his friendly face and smile on the cover of one of his books, Tony Robbins, the American self-motivation guru has always been a source of inspiration to me. For years the thought of participating in one of his seminars was an impossible dream of mine considering how expensive they were and the fact that I was already involved in other extensive, costly training courses in Italy, Australia and America. I was, as usual, focusing on the problem, not on the solution. What was it then that enabled me to finally train with someone I highly respected but never dreamt of being able to meet personally? Thinking back I have to admit that it was due to a series of coincidences behind which I believe was a divine plan that changed the direction of my life in so many ways. In 1999, I started studying movement and dance therapy, practicing the 5Rhythms™ with Gabrielle Roth in the USA. I found body movement a fantastic tool for true inner and outer self-discovery. Through it I learned to be in touch with my body, to let go of fear, shame, physical and emotional embarrassment while becoming more authentically present to myself. I began to practice daily at home and I also started to teach classes in Singapore. One of the oldest participants 176
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was Richard, (not his real name), a successful businessman that I had already met on previous occasions. It wasn’t until he joined my body movement classes that I had the opportunity to get to know him better and discover he had attended some of Tony Robbins’ workshops a few years earlier; he claimed that they had changed his life. Richard was a powerful man and just like a little child I was drawn to his big personality and the stories of his life experiences; they enriched my soul and inspired me to never lose faith or hope. One Sunday afternoon, I was at Richard’s place sharing my future work plans when he suggested I could certainly benefit by attending Tony Robbins’ workshops. I believed him. I trusted his sincerity and the fact he could identify the potential in me, something that I still did not recognize myself. As a result, I went home and read more on the Internet about Tony Robbins and his motivational work. I had already done extensive training in psychology and counseling and during that particular period I was studying and gaining work experience, in Singapore. My main goal was to become a coach and counselor while also studying dance and movement therapy. I also wanted to continue exploring the practice of the 5Rhythms™ by Gabrielle Roth and pursue my Master’s degree in Social Science with the University of South Australia. What could I gain from traveling around the world to attend Tony Robbins’ workshops? According to Richard, I had the ability and skills to be a public speaker and motivator and Robbins’ teaching would enable me to discover and develop those hidden gifts. Indeed, I dreamed of addressing large audiences one day and motivating people to take responsibility to live in love and joy, not in fear and guilt. Through this kind of work, I wanted to contribute towards building a more positive society. However, a negative voice from inside was constantly reminding me that I was not good enough. And where could I possibly find the necessary amount of money to make my dream a reality? The course was extremely costly, plus there were the expenses for flights and accommodation. I had no money of my own as I had been studying and training for three years STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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and my husband made it very clear that he did not believe I needed to spend more on enriching myself. He thought I had to work first and when I had made enough money, I could pursue my dreams. I couldn’t disagree; what he said was practical and realistic. It’s also what my mum and dad had believed in and a message they had constantly given me all my life. But I couldn’t forget the words and the meaning I had found in Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem; I had to cultivate faith and hope. I chose differently from Leonardo, I chose differently from my mum and dad: I chose to believe that my dream could become reality. My wish was to go to Miami in January 2001 to participate in one of Anthony Robbins’ most popular workshops, Date with Destiny. I made my wish at the beginning of December 2000. I started to visualize, focusing all my thoughts and feelings on this wish. I danced every morning in order to let go of my doubts and fear, I shook my body to the 5Rhythms™ I had learned to unleash during Gabrielle Roth’s workshops: flow, staccato, chaos, lyrical and stillness. The flow and stillness rhythms were the most challenging for me as I was so accustomed to living in the staccato mode: I was so used to doing, acting out and controlling things in order to give and receive. I prayed to God that somehow I would find the money I needed so that my dream could become reality. I didn’t pray to win the lottery, but for a loan that I could pay back with time. After a few days, something happened when I least expected it, just as it did for Cinderella when her fairy godmother appeared and made her wish come true. Richard offered me his financial support in the form of a loan that I would pay back later during the year. In the fairy tale, as if by magic, Cinderella found herself traveling by carriage to the castle. Likewise, I found myself, four weeks after making those wishes, flying from Singapore to Miami for the first of three wonderful courses run by Tony Robbins. A few months later, I attended the second course in Sydney and finally I went to the third on Kona Island. My wish finally came true! 178
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Every religious book on the planet talks about the power and effect of faith and belief on mankind. People who succeed on a major scale differ greatly in their beliefs from those who fail. Our beliefs about what we are and what we can be precisely determine what we will be. If we believe in magic, we’ll live a magical life. If we believe our life is defined by narrow limits, we’ve suddenly made those limits real. Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power, page 30 Of all the experiences I faced during his workshops, the greatest and most challenging for me was on the final day of the third course, Life Mastery, on Kona Island, Hawaii. The task I am referring to was the Pole Experience. Richard had talked a lot about it and was convinced that facing that particular challenge, climbing a 24-meter pole, would help me to shed a further layer of fear that was preventing my genuine potential from emerging. I was looking forward to the experience. I arrived on Kona Island on a beautiful, sunny Saturday in September 2001. On the Monday morning that followed, I decided to go running with a couple of my roommates. While running, under the rising Hawaiian sun of that beautiful volcanic island, I stepped awkwardly and fell on my right knee. My roommates immediately stopped to help me get up and asked me if I was okay; I quickly assured them I was fine and I could walk back on my own. I told them to go ahead and finish their run. I didn’t want to be a burden and I did my best to minimize and hide the intense pain I suffered in my knee, which was also badly scraped and bleeding. Reassured by what I said, they went on ahead and I remained alone. As I walked back, the pain in my knee got worse, and throughout the day the ache didn’t subside. That night it hurt so much I couldn’t sleep at all. The next day was the first one of the course and at 8 a.m. the reception area of the Hilton Hotel was already full of positive, bubbling energy. The small group of friends I was sharing the residence with STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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greeted one another and chatted together excitedly, all keen to start. I felt so alone; nobody seemed to realize how much physical pain I was in. Someone had made enquiries as to whether a doctor or nurse was available but in doing so still failed to find one. I could have communicated my fear and pain more openly to my roommates, instead of merely minimizing it, but I didn’t want to be a drag and I simply assumed they wouldn’t care. I didn’t want to cause a scene. I doubted my own feelings. Was I making it out to be worse than it really was? Still, I was so sure I wasn’t. My knee was becoming more and more swollen and I could barely stand up. Through the physical suffering, an emotional memory and a deep hurt coming from my past surfaced. As a little kid I used to fall down a lot, especially when running and playing with other children. I was bow legged and as a result my feet turned inwards and I had to wear special shoes to correct them. The shoes made my movements even clumsier than they already were. I often ended up tripping over and grazing or cutting my elbows and knees. I felt awkward and inadequate within my circle of little friends who were able to run so freely. Often, when I stumbled and injured my elbows and knees, they were bleeding and so sore that I couldn’t continue playing. My companions never noticed me as I discreetly sneaked back home. Leaving them to their games, I remember feeling sad, lonely and very sorry for myself. The feeling of loneliness I was experiencing, sitting in the reception of the Hilton Hotel in Kona Island, took me back to those times in my childhood. I began to remember something I had removed from my active memory many years before. As a little girl, each time I went home after falling down or hurting myself I was always so terrified as to what my mum’s reaction would be. For reasons I could not understand back then, she would often be mad at me and hit me repeatedly. My father was usually at work and I felt terribly alone and helpless. That first morning of the course, I experienced the same feeling of loneliness and helplessness as I watched everyone else enjoying the 180
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moment. I was focusing on my physical and emotional pain which kept me stuck in a negative mood and served merely to make me feel like a victim. Being negative and playing the victim were behaviors I had developed as a child and acting this way had become one of my unconscious emotional addictions. They made me fear the worst: that I wouldn’t be able to fully participate in the week ahead. I knew that the Pole challenge, which I was desperate to experience, required me to be physically fit and strong. I was so afraid that if the course facilitators realized the seriousness of my injury, they wouldn’t even allow me to attempt it, for safety reasons. This was why I chose to continue to suffer in silence and keep a low profile throughout the whole week. Despite my injury, over the next few days I began to feel more motivated and filled with a powerful and positive energy. I participated in all the activities. I prayed to God that the Pole challenge would be assigned to my team at the end of the week. By that time my knee would have healed so that I could take part. God answered my prayers. My team would face the Pole experience only on the last day of the course. When the day came, my knee, although still weak and badly scratched, was not as swollen and painful. At 1 p.m. as I started to climb up the Pole, I felt mentally strong, focused and determined. The higher I climbed, the thinner the Pole became and the smaller the grooves for my feet. I grit my teeth and continued up quickly but steadily. Finally I reached the top. My left foot was in the last and highest groove, which meant my right leg had to step up onto the Pole first. Suddenly I panicked and froze. As I focused on the difficulty of the situation, I was losing the capacity to trust that everything would be okay and I could make it. How was my injured right knee going to be able to support my entire body weight and enable me to step up and stand on top of the Pole? Clinging precariously on the highest part of it, which was swaying in the wind just in front of the ocean, I was petrified. My teammates below were shouting out words of encouragement but that usual doubting negative voice that was stuck STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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in the back of my mind was louder and clearer then ever, saying, “You can’t do this Elisabetta. It’s too painful and you might damage your knee more if you try. Just give up and climb back down.” As I clung there, paying attention to the discouraging voice, feeling helpless and powerless, a more positive voice began to inspire me: “Elisabetta, this has been the story of your life. You set yourself a goal, you put all your energy into working towards achieving it and then, when it comes to the final little step and all you have left to do is to complete it, you give up in fear and doubt. Shut down in anxiety and in negative thoughts, you fail to see that sometimes you just need to surrender your control and trust that God is there to support you. Every time you give up, you reaffirm your belief that you are not good enough, that you are wrong and that you don’t deserve to be helped. It’s time to change that old story, it belongs to the past. You are in the present and you are good enough! You are okay! And you do deserve success! It’s not only by struggling, controlling and overdoing that you can achieve your goals and your dreams. It’s over all about surrendering to God’s will. Believe and trust, Elisabetta, and know that you are not alone, God is always with you. Take the final step of faith and hope and begin a new chapter in the story of your life.” On hearing these encouraging words, a surge of genuine power ran through my body and my heart. With renewed determination and energy, I slowly lifted my right leg until my foot was flat on the surface at the top of the Pole. I focused on the goal of changing the story of my life. With another surge of confidence, I transferred my body weight on to my right leg. Trembling and almost choking, I victoriously stepped up. Stretching my arms out for balance, as my left leg followed, I found myself standing on the top of that high Pole, which to me was a miracle. Despite the odds, I had done it. I couldn’t believe it. I was breathless and ecstatic. The sense of achievement was incredible and with it came the realization of the power of the determination, passion and love I had always had for life. I screamed with joy in my heart and threw myself from the Pole’s peak out towards the ocean in front of 182
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me and down to my teammates below. As I fell towards the net below, I vividly remember closing my eyes and, breathless, experiencing the magic of the moment: I felt God holding me in his arms and the determination, passion and love I had for life fill my entire being. It’s passion that causes people to stay up late and get up early. It’s passion that people want in their relationships. Passion gives life power and juice and meaning. Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power, page 29
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Motivation: What does motivation represent for me and my life? Is it important to find the motivation behind my actions to reach my goals and to cultivate balance in my life?
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Chapter 9: Balance
185 Codependency
188 Commitment and Healthy Submission
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Chapter 9: Balance Codependency At the beginning of 2004, after seven years on my journey of selfexploration, I assumed I was finally emotionally healthy. I believed and felt that I was able to master my feelings and thoughts quite well and therefore control my behaviors, actions and results too. It was in this balanced state of mind that I made the decision to return to Singapore. After eighteen challenging months living in Marbella, Spain, I was committed to breaking the pattern of relational codependency that ran through my family once and for all: I was determined to become emotionally independent from my husband. In the past, I had let my instincts control my choices and actions in my relationship with Leonardo, but now I was being led more by logic than merely by my gut feelings and reactions. One night in Spain, after having lived there over a year, I sat down with Leonardo and coherently explained my reasons for wanting to leave. My intent wasn’t to end my marriage but to assert my needs and wants as a woman, mother and wife, with the certainty that in doing so Leonardo and I could finally build a healthy relationship out of what had always been a codependent and unhealthy one. He agreed that returning to Singapore was for the best, and recognized that things in Spain were not working out for him or for us as a family. He promised he would follow us to Singapore no more than a month later. However, just a few days before we were due to leave, I discovered through a close friend of mine that Leonardo was not sure about joining Stella and me in Asia. My conviction that I could be in control of everything was suddenly shaken. Leonardo did, eventually, return to Singapore. It was six months later that he joined us, after experiencing a painful and distressful
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time alone and undergoing an intensive period of Primal Therapy in Australia with Dr. John Spensley with the purpose of recovering from his ongoing, deep depression. He was still weak and very different from the man I had met and lived with all those years before. I didn’t realize how different I was too: I had become strong, less dependent and healthier. I was the complete opposite of the woman I had once been. My self-confidence and vitality were no longer a mask of pride hiding my fragility and lack of self-esteem. This time, my emotional and intellectual strength was genuine; it was the result of my becoming more authentic and in touch with my real feelings, needs and wants. What did I need Leonardo for? He was powerless and lost, confused about what he wanted to do career wise and even with his family. He also could not support us financially. At 53, Leonardo, the man I had always idealized as the strong and valiant knight, was starting to show who he really was without his masks on – a fragile, insecure, mysterious man, as a close friend of ours recently defined him – a man with no real sense of self. The more he was vulnerable, confused and dependent on me, the more impatient, frustrated and angry I became with him. I was not able to experience empathy for him; I merely felt a deep sense of rejection and an overt feeling of resentment. My reactions led Leonardo to reject me even more and do his best to break me down. He started to show and give voice to his own anger and hostility. At times I believe he truly hated me because, presumably, he saw emerging from my whole being an actual strength and a healthy passion he so desired but probably had never really been in touch with or had rarely experienced. For any man of his age, this reality would have been extremely challenging to accept and embrace. It certainly was for Leonardo. Before starting his own period of transformation, Leonardo was not aware of his whole range of emotions, having frozen them since he was a young boy. Edging back into that forbidden territory of feeling, through his work in Primal Therapy, was provoking great anxiety in him and reconnecting him with his old childish fear of the unknown 186
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and the future: the fear he had adopted from his mum and dad. In expressing the anger he had been suppressing and denying for years, he was somehow trying to claim his emotional power back. This dynamic, however, created more struggles in our relationship. On my side, I was attempting to speed up the process of his recovery from depression and emotional vulnerability, which had now been going on for two years. I was compulsively doing for him as usual, without a clear understanding that I could not ease his own journey of self-empowerment and that it had to be done at Leonardo’s pace, certainly not mine. I could not transform the caterpillar into a butterfly before its due time. I was not aware that my stubbornness and compulsive need to control his life, instead of simply focusing on mine, was causing even more conflict and fostering the growth of a feeling inside me of being the wrong one in the relationship once again. We tried to overcome our toxic cycle of behaviors with all the advice and tools we had been given throughout our years of selfdevelopment and studying. After months of deep emotional turmoil, we both decided that it was better to give up and finally go our separate ways. Our marriage no longer seemed to make sense. We both were stubborn, exhausted and we were worried about the effects the unhealthy dynamics of our relationship were having on Stella. Over the Christmas holiday that year, in order to take a break and give Leonardo time and space to move out, I had planned to go to Sydney so that I could celebrate my forty-second birthday. At the last moment, Danialle and Jayant, two wonderful friends living in New Delhi, invited me to pay them a visit. I felt a sudden and strong longing to go there. My desire transformed into reality by divine intervention. Despite the short notice, and the fact it was the busiest time of year, when many people are traveling and flights are usually fully booked, I was able to secure a seat on Air India for the 26th of December. I took this as a clear sign that my going to India was for a reason. I cancelled my trip to Sydney and left for New Delhi. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Danialle and Jayant are close friends of both Leonardo and me and at that time they were very aware of how challenging the past twelve months in Singapore had been for us as a couple. The first few days I was with them in India, we discussed the decision Leonardo and I had made to separate. Through our conversation, they, both having experienced divorce, shared their beliefs about marriage. They suggested I read a few passages from The Holy Bible and then have some discussion with them about the topic of marriage in general. It was thanks to those sacred readings that, for the first time in my life, I came to an understanding of the true meaning of tenacity and commitment in a marriage. Despite being brought up as a Christian Catholic in Italy, I had never read The Holy Bible firsthand and never thought of using it as a precious, spiritual tool that I could learn from to lead my family life.
Commitment and Healthy Submission Tenacity. The dictionary in my office notes that the root of tenacity in Latin means “to hold fast”. The definition leans slightly in the direction of stubbornness but with a difference. Stubborn people dig in their heels to avoid movement for fear of change. Tenacious people keep their feet and hearts in motion in hope of holding on to or restoring something they value. Determination in relationships arises because we see and know the value of those persons in our lives, our families, and our churches. Tenacity means we do not find it easy to let go of folks we hold dear. John Indermark, Parables and Passion, page 27 After only two days in New Delhi, I was determined to renew my commitment and make my marriage work. This time my drive was different from what it had been in the past. I recognized it didn’t come simply from a compulsive need to make Stella happy or to rescue 188
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Leonardo, in an umpteenth neurotic attempt to save my poor dad who I still too often transferred on him. Overall I was aware that there was only so much I could do, for others and myself. This time the motivation came from a genuine desire to commit to my marriage and surrender to what had to be. Looking back, I recognize that a higher power, which I know as God, had always been at my side creating opportunities for me and constantly guiding my way, since I was a child. I could now accept that I wasn’t the one in total control, but God was. The time had come for me to learn to be; I had to accept situations, events and people as they were. I had to trust that whatever had happened and was still happening was God’s plan and that it was safe to submit and put my life in His hands. It was time to stop struggling, like I had all my life, to try and make things happen. I could finally surrender and allow things to simply occur. It is said that children from broken families are more prone to divorce as adults. I now wonder whether my parents would have stayed together for forty-seven years if my father hadn’t been so submissive in his relationship with my mum and my mum in her relationship with him. If they hadn’t, would my future with Leonardo have been different? During my childhood my dad was a wimp and a coward in my eyes. I always judged his submissiveness as something bad and truly unhealthy. There is no doubt that he should have assumed responsibility, taken a leading role in our family and confronted my mum on several occasions, especially when she was physically and verbally abusive. On the contrary, I always identified my mum as the active role model in our family: she personified the warrior who always made things happen. I truly admired her. Only recently I realized I had been deceived by her overt choleric and passionate personality. I came to understand that her impulsive ways of doing and struggling were just a sort of compensation and an emotional addiction. As a STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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matter of fact she was as submissive as my dad, if not even more. Hers was an equally unhealthy submissiveness disguised behind a mask of constant anger, blame and manic doing. In the past ten years of searching, I discovered two types of submissiveness: one is healthy and the other unhealthy. The first, I believe, is fueled by the positive energy of love and it motivates us to act from a space of observation, acceptance, trust and responsibility. The second leads us instead to become emotionally compulsive pleasers, obsessive doers, even stubborn and cowardly individuals. This is the kind of submissiveness fueled by the negative energy of neurotic and toxic fear, guilt and shame: it pushes us to act out from a space of judgment, rejection, doubt and irresponsibility. What I failed to see for many years was that being submissive, when driven by healthy love, done with integrity and balanced by appropriate action, can play an important part in enabling us to be tenacious and resilient in achieving our goals and maintaining commitments towards ourselves and others. Above all, healthy submissiveness nourishes the capacity to be persistent and open to the lessons we need to learn in relationships and life circumstances. It requires us to become humble and tolerant, as well as silently determined and consistent. It allows us to endure challenging times, when we cannot make sense of what is happening to us or to our children, relatives, friends and indeed the whole world. While writing this book I have come to understand that commitment, in work and life, means embracing adversities and healthily submitting to circumstances and people when the going gets tough. I knew that I had to continue to do my part to save my marriage; I had to let go of my self-destructive stubbornness and nurture tenacity instead. I had to abide in my commitment motivated by the love for my family. And since I was human and I could only do so much, I also needed to submit to God’s guidance and, with humility, allow Him to do His own job. On the 28th of December 2004, which was my forty-second 190
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birthday, I sent Leonardo a letter via e-mail from New Delhi and asked him if he would work with me to save our marriage. In those days, I also asked God to give me strength and to help us as a family. When I arrived at Singapore’s Changi Airport, on the 8th of January, Leonardo was there to greet me with a bouquet of flowers and his beautiful smile. While we were driving home, he told me that the same day he’d received my message, he had also been informed that the signing of the contract for the apartment he was planning to move into, had to be postponed. Again, I saw this as divine intervention in response to my commitment in not giving up but enduring and surrendering. From that moment on, Leonardo and I began to work together in partnership, with tenacity and consistency, to build a true loving relationship. We chose to believe that God was supporting and guiding us, and this time we were ready and open to healthily submit to our commitment in marriage. My challenge in reuniting with Leonardo was to focus on and apply the understanding that, as a friend once told me, “We are not human doings, but rather human beings.” For sure, Leonardo had not magically changed during my time in New Delhi and I was perfectly conscious I could not do anything to change him any further, nor could I rescue him from the unresolved emotional issues or transformational pain he still had to face. For years in my marriage and in my life, I had been so focused on not being submissive and paralyzed like my dad. In doing so, I had completely taken on the role of the warrior and the doer and became similar to my mum, to the point that I lost contact with reality. Like her, I failed to understand the fact that I could neither change nor save others by simply taking on responsibilities that were not mine. On my return from New Delhi I became conscious that I had to learn to simply be with Leonardo and direct my attention only on continuing to change myself. I needed to let go of my intense and compulsive urge to always look out and be in charge of others’ lives. I had been programmed as a child to be the responsible one: the STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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pleaser and the savior. My doing mode had always given me a false sense of control. My doing meant I didn’t have to feel the shame and hurt stored inside me. My doing prevented me from looking at the scars of my childhood, or from feeling the pain of what I had missed out on as a young girl. My doing impeded me from going through the deep unpleasant grief I needed to experience in order to completely set myself free from the past. My doing fulfilled my old emptiness and emotional neediness and gave me the sense of being worthy, together with the assurance that I was being loved, accepted and praised. But my doing was never enough. I was and I am still, inspired by the following statement made by Pastor Ben Brown in one of his encouraging Sunday messages: “Doing never takes to being; while being always leads to doing.” Through everything that has happened in the past ten years, I finally discovered that to find true emotional health I needed to practice being. Not only that, the true challenge was to find a balance between doing and being, action and contemplation, and to be aware that life is not about excluding one or the other. Real contemplation, in fact, has the power to move people into action, the kind of action which is fueled by a love for life and driven by deep awareness, faith and hope. It is by developing the capacity of blending these two rhythms, doing and being, within ourselves that we can find the contentment and happiness our souls long for. As a result of my awakening, I began to slow down during the months that followed my trip to New Delhi. I deliberately chose to make time for myself so that I could be still and cultivate tranquility in my heart and mind. I started learning how to integrate what I saw on the outside in me. The outcome has been amazing. I discovered, for example, that by simply being with my joys and sorrows and reflecting peacefully on my relationships with others in my life, I could learn so much about myself. I became familiar with the reality that people and events did not come into my existence by mere accident: they had always come to show me things about myself that I either hadn’t 192
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acknowledged or embraced yet. My relationships, in particular, could give me greater awareness about my personality traits, my attitudes and my life purpose.
REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Balance: What does balance mean to me? Do I have balance in the different areas of my life? Is it important to nurture balance to achieve my goals and cultivate a healthy lifestyle?
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Chapter 10: Relationships
195
Mirrors
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Divine Purpose
203 Light and Shadow 211
Healthy Boundaries
212 Spiritual Journey 214 Stella 219 Stella’s Poem — Drama Queen 221
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Chapter 10: Relationships Mirrors Experience is not what happens to you. It is what you do with what happens to you. Aldous Huxley In 1999 I started attending workshops with Gabrielle Roth in body movement and rhythms. Reading her books and learning to dance freely to the different beats of music was a true inspiration to find the physical, emotional and intellectual balance I needed to work on for my further transformation and self-empowerment. Working with her and her husband Robert for five consecutive weeks in Mill Valley, San Francisco in the summer of 2000, led me to discover the dark parts of me I still didn’t know, and finally allowed my being energy to steadily surface. I had been repressing this energy through years of organizing and problem solving; years of doing, in the attempt to control, help, please, rescue or try my best to change others. It was time to seek wisdom in a life that could combine action with contemplation. Undoubtedly I had come across Gabrielle Roth’s work in body movement for a reason, a very important one. I vividly remember one of her workshops named Mirrors, during which I understood for the first time that I didn’t have to train more to get to know myself better. I didn’t have to achieve more to gain the inner sense that I was good enough. Like every human being, in fact, I deserved to be loved simply for who I was. I didn’t need to do more to know that I was okay, because I was already okay! What I needed to do instead was learn to sit on my own and reflect in stillness on my past and present experiences in relationships, using them as a powerful mirror. As Cheri Huber, author STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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of Be the Person You Want to Find, explains: “Everything is a mirror of ourselves. We always see ourselves when we look out at the world and other people. It is not possible to experience and label anything that is not a part of ourselves. Is this always true? Always. When we are unaware of this process, we believe we are correct in our assessments. We believe there is an objective reality ‘out there’ from which we separate and about which we can know something.” By applying the tool of ‘mirroring’ with the major catalysts of change that had entered my life, I was eventually able to find, honor and integrate the many and beautiful gifts I had received from my mum, dad and grandfather. Indeed, the work was not only about identifying and embracing their positive gifts, it was also and above all about acknowledging that the traits in them I had always labeled and judged as bad or negative, such as aggressiveness, arrogance, distance, indecision, laziness, submissiveness, stubbornness and selfishness, were mine too. Through reflecting on my relationships I was able to spot for the very first time how for years, while I had been unconsciously trying to suppress these so-called bad or negative behavioral patterns, rebel against them and project them onto others, they had been an inherent part of me. I had been unaware of how much they sabotaged my life as a mother, wife and woman. The lesson I grasped through the capacity of ‘mirroring’ is one of the most important I gained in the past ten years. I discovered that I was living a lopsided life that only perpetuated struggle, loneliness and unhealthy submission: my favorite emotional addictions. I had to wake up to the reality that the mere suppression or projection of those negative traits, received as a legacy from my family of origin, would never enable me to heal. In so doing, I was denying a great deal of who I really was. To live true to God, myself and others and to experience my true wholeness, I had to acknowledge and embrace all I was: good and bad, positive and negative. Only then I could stop 196
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judging myself and begin to welcome the light and shadow in others too. By integrating this lesson I could finally find real joy and peace, inner and outer success. Over time it became clear to me that through positive and easygoing relationships with others I could spot behaviors that belonged to me and learn from them. But often I failed to see that the most challenging or dramatic or seemingly negative relationships I was confronted with were, in fact, those which could have the strongest positive impact and be of the greatest value to my personal spiritual growth. The same can be said for life events that I considered challenging or judged as negative. Being open to this concept enabled me to begin to stop being a victim, stop trying to fix relationships and stop controlling circumstances: I could let go of any expectations I may have had of them, as I understood that whoever and whatever came into my life was all for a reason: my own good.
Divine Purpose How often are we caught up in living our lives day to day, judging each event or encounter as they are in that one instant, without pausing to consider that they are part of a bigger, divine picture? We are normally not educated to understand the real value and meaning of a relationship or an event in the moment that it is happening. We may get anxious or give in to anger, frustration or confusion over a particular circumstance or encounter. It is only when we step into the future and we take responsibility to look back into the past that we can begin to grasp how everything and everyone comes into our lives with a purpose. When we are able to respond to each encounter or situation, whether positive or negative, with the understanding that they are simply snapshots of a much bigger reality, our reactions to them become different, as is also our experience of them. With the knowledge and trust that every relationship and every event happens for a reason, we can live our daily lives more peacefully. When we STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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are able to piece both our positive and negative encounters and circumstances together, the apparent mystery of each one is revealed and we eventually comprehend their divine purpose. When Alessandra, my husband’s first daughter, attempted to commit suicide, I decided to search for a counselor in Singapore. Patrizia, my best friend at that time, was seeing someone who was still training to become a therapist and psychologist and who now lives in Europe. Patrizia passed me her phone number and this simple act led to a series of encounters and events that entirely changed the course of my life. The phone number Patrizia gave me belonged to Marilyn Shearer, my first therapist and counselor in Singapore. She was the gentle, receptive, professional woman I reached out to for help, when at 34 I realized my behaviors with Stella were not appropriate, and my relationship with my husband was on the verge of collapse. With my friends things were not much better; when my expectations were not met I would often abandon my friendships, failing to see they had come into my life as mirrors to reflect back to me something I needed to learn or heal about myself. Marilyn was a divine gift indeed. She gave me the unconditional love I rarely received as a child. Her acceptance and compassion, I believe, enabled me to endure and surrender to the process of counseling. Marilyn’s work was extremely effective and successful. In sessions with her I revisited emotional experiences from my childhood, some so painful that I had apparently erased them from my memory for years. As I remembered and re-experienced those distressing times, Marilyn would often not speak but, as the tears streamed down my cheeks, she dared to get closer. Like the loving and receptive mother I never had, she rested my head on a pillow and put a soft teddy bear into my arms so I could hold onto something as I released my pain. To those therapists who follow traditional practices of counseling and psychotherapy this approach may seem unusual, but as M. Scott Peck describes in The Road Less Travelled: 198
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“We are now able to see the essential ingredient that makes psychotherapy effective and successful. It is not ‘unconditional positive regard’, nor is it magical words, techniques or postures; it is human involvement and struggle. It is the willingness of the therapist to extend himself or herself for the purpose of nurturing the patient’s growth – willingness to go out on a limb, to truly involve oneself at an emotional level in the relationship, to actually struggle with the patient and with oneself. In short, the essential ingredient of successful deep and meaningful psychotherapy is love.” I felt truly loved by Marilyn and I had much love for her. Through our relationship I learned so much about who I really was. She was reflecting the tender yet strong part of me that I had been so disconnected from. The greatest gift I received from our relationship was that she set me on the path to find true love for myself and others. This enabled me to discover my real passion in life: motivating people towards change and transformation from the inside out. Marilyn also set in motion a series of encounters and events that, without a doubt, came into my life with a reason. They all had the divine purpose of mirroring back something about myself that I needed to recognize and integrate. They opened doors that led to my emotional, intellectual and relational freedom. On Marilyn’s recommendation I encountered Craig who was inspirational during my years of transformation. He was one of my facilitators during a self-development course I attended in 1997. I met Craig on the first morning of the residential workshop. During my first interview with him, as he enquired about my life and my relationship with my mum and dad, I suddenly felt uneasy and disturbed. I vividly remember I wanted to leave the room as quickly as possible. I lifted my head and dared to look at him directly. As his eyes met mine I felt a strong physical and emotional reaction. All of a sudden, I felt like a 15-year-old girl with another naïve crush. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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There is nothing inappropriate about patients coming to love a therapist who truly listens to them hour after hour in a nonjudgmental way, who truly accepts them as they probably have never been accepted before, who totally refrains from using them and who has been helpful in alleviating their suffering. M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 187 Later that day, when I saw Craig in front of the students on the workshop, I couldn’t take my eyes off him, it was like a magnetic attraction. In that very moment, I knew that one day I wanted to be like him, a facilitator for change. I loved everything about him: the calm way he conducted the educational sessions during the entire workshop, his firm voice and confidence, his sensitivity and kindness, his capacity to be gentle and at the same time assertive. I was struck by his openness and generosity in giving his full attention to others. During the eight days of the workshop I thought I had fallen in love with someone who could give me what my father had not been able to his entire life: unconditional acceptance, love and protection. Years later, I discovered through my own experience that the people who generate the strongest feelings in us and towards whom we feel inevitably attracted to, are those with the greatest capacity to facilitate our further evolution. Looking back, it is clear that Craig was most definitely one of those people. I confessed the love I felt for Craig to my husband Leonardo months later, when he had started to work on himself in counseling and became familiar with the psychological tool called transference. This was what I had certainly experienced with Craig, a positive transference. The cure for it I knew was certainly not to dismiss or deny my naïve crush but consciously and patiently work through what it had awakened within me. I didn’t have to repress my emotions, I had to learn to talk about them and be receptive to them instead. Hiding the guilt and shame I felt about my emotional attachment could just 200
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intensify my feelings. On the contrary, choosing to vocalize them could help to diffuse them. Guilt and shame, like pain, when kept in the dark can only magnify. But when we decide to expose them, despite our fear of being judged or rejected, we are giving ourselves permission to be authentic and as a result the toxic energy of those negative feelings can be expressed and finally released. It is about taking off our mask without fear of showing what is behind it. It is about becoming true to our heart. It is about healing and setting ourselves free to reaffirm our wholeness. For two years, after attending that workshop in Australia, I lost all contact with Craig. Occasionally I bumped into people who knew him well and as they started to talk about him my body and emotions were shaken. This awareness gave me the opportunity to be honest with myself and further explore my reactions rather than deny them. A normal infatuation can certainly last a few months or more. Then, if there is no fuel, it will end as naturally as it began. This was not my experience though; my feelings for Craig, who in reality was a total stranger to me, were still so intense after a couple of years and just the thought of him had almost become like a romantic obsession, one of my favorite addictions! The shot of adrenaline and the emotional turmoil I experienced when I was creating my silent fantasies with him were a sign that there was something I needed to resolve on a deeper level within myself. Fortunately, I was becoming conscious of all this occurring and God’s wisdom and presence were there to support me on my journey as always. Two years after I met Craig, I shared my thoughts and emotions about him with a psychotherapist from India who was passing through Singapore on holiday. He knew Craig too. After carefully listening to my timid but sincere confession, he asked me a direct question, “Elisabetta, have you ever thought that through Craig you might have fallen in love with yourself?” I was puzzled and didn’t understand what he really meant. What he said just didn’t make any sense to me. On reflecting as to why I had fallen for Craig, I thought it could have STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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happened for only two reasons. One was to wake me up and reveal how I had become seriously addicted to romantic fantasies since childhood in order to compensate for the emotional distance of my father. This addiction was something I still needed to deal with because it seriously affected my marriage and my life. The other reason was to show me clearly what I had been desperately craving from my husband and other men for many years, something I had never received: true acceptance of the whole me, not just the positive 50% of Elisabetta that they all loved. Only a couple of years later, as I was continuing on my journey of awareness, did I recognize that, contrary to my initial reaction, the psychotherapist’s insight was absolutely true. I had eventually trained to become a teacher of the Hoffman Quadrinity Process (HQP) and through my studies in psychology I had created the reality of being a facilitator for change, just like Craig. His soft but assertive communicative power was mine too. He had been a mirror to show the qualities, skills and virtues I had but I was not aware of when we first met. In that sense, as the Indian psychotherapist had suggested, through Craig I had fallen in love with myself! Over time, and with further reflection, I understood that Craig had also enabled me to identify those parts of me I had disowned and resented in my father for years: my own distance and detachment from things and people. Through his professional emotional detachment and physical distance, I finally acknowledged how I had spent so much energy rebelling against what I used to judge my dad’s bad traits to the point that I had lost sight that the same traits were mine too. I could be physically distant and emotionally detached from my husband and my daughter at times, just as my father had been to my mum and me when I was a child, teenager and adult. The next step towards complete healing was to integrate that if on one hand physical distance and emotional detachment could be negative traits, on the other hand and in certain situations they could also be positive and useful gifts. In fact, emotional detachment and 202
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physical distance, when driven by love and used with integrity, are valuable behavioral patterns. Starting to use these traits in a healthy way has enabled me to become an effective coach, mother, wife and woman.
Light and Shadow As I studied and trained to become a counselor and a personal coach, I discovered that it is not only through others’ light that we learn more about ourselves: in fact also their shadow can reveal undeniable truths about who we really are. I experienced Craig as having traits that I judged as negative, his emotional rejection and unavailability for example. At a certain point I acknowledged that these were the same traits that I hated in my father. I later understood that those traits were mine too. I simply had not yet welcomed them as part of my humanity. It was through journaling and reflecting on my emotional reactions towards Craig that I became conscious that their deep root was in my childhood. This process then led me to a greater understanding of what I identified as Craig’s and my dad’s shadow. More importantly, I finally came to acknowledge and deal with my own shadow. Full integration of all that Craig had come to show me about my dad came a few years later. I vividly remember a dream I had one night, when I was doing the HQP training. I recall that the next day during the seminar we would be addressing the father figure. In my dream I was observing myself as I walked alone in a small village in the mountains in Italy, which I was very familiar with as I had spent a couple of summers there when I was about ten. I noticed I wasn’t alone. Craig was there too, walking just a few steps behind me, peacefully following me like a real shadow. He did not touch me or talk to me at all. I had the vivid sensation that, even though he was not saying or doing anything, he wanted to make sure I knew he was there to protect me and I felt his compassion and love. At that moment I began to wake up and in the blurred state between being asleep and STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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awake, it seemed as if an angel was in the room with me. I remember she had huge, white wings. I felt her wings brush against my arm and hand as she whispered, “This man is here to remind you that people can also love through silence, just like your father has done his entire life.� This understanding was a beautiful breakthrough for me. It took me a step closer to completely forgiving my father. Craig not only facilitated my healing process with my dad and myself but also inspired me to follow the path he had taken in becoming a catalyst for change in others. Inspired by his passion and his work as a counselor and facilitator, I applied to become a teacher of the HQP. I could not know of how this decision would lead me to meet two other people who were meant to be incredibly influential in my life and my transformational journey. When I started my extensive training (with the Hoffman Institute in Italy), Daniela Uslenghi Wenger and Michael Wenger were my principal trainers. At the time, I didn’t know that the way we react to events and relationships reflects back to us the beliefs, judgments and feelings we store in our subconscious or unconscious mind. I also ignored that our emotional reactions to people and circumstances drive our attitudes and our attitudes become the fuel of what we manifest later in our lives. If we choose to be open to this truth, the opportunity for personal growth and transformation is immense. I must confess that since the very beginning of my training, working and socializing with Daniela and Michael, I re-enacted the relational dynamics I had experienced with my family as a child. It was as if they were my parents and I was their daughter. Today, thanks to my experience with both of them and my willingness to be open and reflect on it, I can see how the entire training program was similar to my physical training to run my first marathon in Singapore when I was 37. It was a deeply emotional experience and one of the most challenging yet rewarding healing journey I have been through in the past ten years. It required me to frequently travel between Singapore and Italy, where for eight days I would work and train for at least ten hours a 204
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day. Like in a marathon, there were times when I was so exhausted, intellectually, emotionally and physically that I felt I could no longer make it and wanted to give up. As has often happened in the toughest times of my life, an inspiring voice would surface from within and tell me to persevere. I believe it was no coincidence that in that threeyear period people came into my life to encourage me and remind me not to give in to the fear of not being good enough. I had set my goal and made my commitment. I told myself I must endure and healthily submit to challenges that would be character-building. I deliberately chose to believe that there was a good reason that my relationship with Daniela and Michael was becoming more challenging day by day and that through it I could certainly learn more about myself. One of the clearest reflections we have to work with is the one provided by our relationships. Everyone we attract into our life is a mirror for us in certain ways. All our relationships — our families, children, friends, co-workers, neighbors, pets, as well as our romantic partners — reflect certain parts of us. How we feel with someone is usually an indication of how we feel about a part of us that they mirror. We all attract certain people into our life who have developed qualities opposite to the ones we are most identified with. In other words, they mirror our disowned selves and we mirror theirs. These are often the most highly emotionally charged relationships. We either love them, hate them, or both! We feel very attracted to them and/or very uncomfortable, judgmental, annoyed, or frustrated with them. The stronger the feelings the more important a mirror they are for us. We have drawn them into our reality to show us something about what we need to develop in ourselves. The fact that we have such strong feelings (one way or another) toward them means that they are showing us a part of ourselves we need to acknowledge, accept and integrate. Shakti Gawain, Creating True Prosperity, pages 91-92
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When I began my training I still had no qualification in counseling or psychology. Despite having been through an intense period of therapy with Marilyn I was still caught in neurotic behaviors. When I applied to train to become a facilitator of the Hoffman Quadrinity Process I was told by the Australian Institute that I was far from the ideal trainee. I realized that despite the work I had done in counseling, my neediness and scattered mind were very apparent. I was still unhealthy and emotionally unbalanced. Yet, Daniela and Michael, directors of the Italian Institute, welcomed me with enthusiasm and nurtured my mind and my spirit with genuine patience, acceptance and love. When I had just graduated as a HQP teacher in May 2002, I remember Daniela addressing the audience of facilitators, who had come from all over the world to attend the HQP International Conference in Sabaudia, Italy. She said how, from the very moment I had shared with her my desire to become a trainer, she had identified a strong and genuine motivation in me which had inspired her to take the risk to train me as a future teacher. Daniela didn’t consider me a troublemaker, like my family had done for years; she had been able to bypass her judgments if she had any, and look beyond my deeply neurotic traits. I will always be grateful to Daniela for how she honestly challenged me during our work together so that I could gain awareness about my unbalanced behaviors. With her there was no deal to be made, or a bargain to be struck. Her sincere intention was to help me to heal and grow; never to hurt me. Like a true passionate leader and teacher, she never compromised her integrity. She was not afraid of being too harsh and certainly not because she was cruel or vindictive, but because she truly cared about her work as a trainer and me as one of her trainees. Daniela was there to mold me just as the potter does his clay in the following story: One day an old couple walked into an antiques shop. The woman saw a teapot that she loved very much displayed 206
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on a shelf. As she stood there admiring it, to her surprise, the teapot suddenly began to talk. It said: “I was not always this beautiful, you know. I used to be a simple lump of clay. Then, one day, the potter put me on his wheel and began to spin me. It hurt so much and I was so relieved when it was all over. I thought I had been made. The potter, however, said, ‘No, not yet.’ And he put me in the oven again. It was so hot in there! I thought I was going to die. When he took me out I thought that surely it was all over and I had been made. The potter, however, said, ‘No, not yet.’ And he began to paint me. Just as I was about to scream that I couldn’t handle it anymore, he put me back in the oven! ‘What on earth have I done to deserve this?’ I cried. I suffered excruciating pain in the heat of the oven. When the potter finally took me out, he put me on the shelf and showed me my reflection in the mirror. I was amazed! Everything the potter had put me through had been for my own good!” It is true that there were times when I experienced Daniela as being harsh to the point of seeming cruel. I wanted to rebel, to shout back at her and sometimes I even wanted to strangle her. But I couldn’t find my voice in the face of authority! Very often, weeks later, after returning to Singapore and reflecting on everything that I had experienced during the training, I understood that what Daniela had said or done was absolutely necessary for my healing and learning. To transform from the inside out, I needed first to be molded. Daniela had the courage to make me see how removed I was from my emotions to the point that I could not feel my feelings. I couldn’t vocalize them, and therefore I could not express my needs, or my wants. What was she talking about? Me, not feeling? Elisabetta? The Elisabetta who was always available to understand, and generously attend to the needs of others? I remember a day when we were STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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preparing an activity and I accidentally scratched the bottom of my calf with a small but sharp paper cutter. On realizing the blade was broken, I quickly threw it in the dustbin and continued as if nothing had ever happened. I had seen I was bleeding but did nothing about it. My attention went straight back to the work that still had to be completed. I was doing my job just like a good girl should. After a while, Daniela stopped me and said in blatant disbelief, “Elisabetta! Have you noticed that you’ve cut yourself? You’re bleeding and you haven’t even paid attention to it. It must be painful!” I remember how instantly I felt like a little child who had been suddenly caught out. I wanted to please Daniela by showing how hardworking I was and most of all how good I was. In that very moment, I gained the awareness that in order to fulfill the role of the obedient girl in front of an authority figure, I had completely ignored my own physical needs. This was how I had acted throughout my childhood to make my mum and dad happy, as this was the only way I had learned I could possibly win their acceptance and acknowledgement. With her deliberate questioning, Daniela was able to crack open the hard shell of denial I had been encased in all my life. If I could not feel and deal with my own pain and my own needs, how could I truly be myself? Was I authentic in front of others or did I constantly wear a mask? Daniela was highly skilled and quick to notice behaviors that were out of balance, and she didn’t stop there. She continued to question and push my buttons. How could I possibly think I could truly feel and be in touch with the needs and pain of others, if I wasn’t able to recognize and feel my own needs and pain first? Her direct confrontation made me reflect for days on that blind spot of mine. I had to seriously start making myself a priority and stop trying to please people if I really wanted to be effective in life and at work. There were other times when Daniela pointed out how disconnected I was from myself in excessively striving to impress others with my overdoing and playing the role of the obedient girl. She drew attention to how difficult it was for me to let myself go and truly 208
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enjoy moments of fun or pleasure; how challenging it was for me to simply play, laugh or relax. She advised that if I wanted to heal deeply I had to identify what was driving me to incessantly do. Thanks to Daniela I finally understood the root of my manic overdoing and being over-responsible. Firstly, it was about trying to avoid feeling the pain and shame I experienced as an abused child. Secondly, it was all about trying to buy love, acceptance or acknowledgement from others. We each have healthy human needs, from feeling safe to authentic experiencing and communicating to feeling accepted and loved. When I neglect getting these needs met for myself, I can become over-stressed and eventually overwhelmed, alienated from my Real Self. Preoccupied by people, places and things outside of myself and stuck in other unresolved core issues, I neglect my healthy self-caring. And suffer as a result. Part of the problem may be that here my boundaries may be too loose in certain areas. I may let in too much of other’s toxic material, while at other times invading other’s boundaries, all ending in neglecting my own healthy needs. When I neglect my needs, I tend not to set many boundaries at all. In recovery I learn to get my needs met in part by developing healthy boundaries. Charles Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, page 155 Michael Wenger, Daniela’s husband, was wonderful in nurturing my sense of humor during our training together. Working with him, and using him as a mirror to learn more about myself, I realized I had been disconnected, no doubt due to my traumatic childhood experiences, from the capacity to be light-hearted. I envied his ability to be cheerful as he worked as a therapist, even when confronted with emotionally painful situations with clients. As he once told me, he was reflecting back to me an ability I owned but had not yet fully developed: it was still a small seed inside me, a seed which needed to crack and grow. Michael is incredibly smart, sharp and highly STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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intuitive; he was definitely a great inspiration and role model. He was also able to make me understand the importance of welcoming and dealing with those parts of me that I rejected: my mum’s madness, for example. Yes, madness! How could I possibly love and accept that trait in me? One day, while I was caught in my frustration, Michael pointed out the main gifts that came with my madness: creativity and control. I could understand creativity being a gift, but what was so good or positive about control? Michael explained that when control is used with balance and integrity, it is a wonderful trait that every true leader would love to possess. He believed that one day I would have the ability to develop into a leader, if I wanted to. With the wisdom and knowledge I have today, I can honestly affirm that Michael, with his childlike nature and capacity to be genuinely direct and frank, was a wonderful gift during my long healing journey. Intentionally or unintentionally, he guided me further on my path of accepting the light and shadow within myself and others. Through him I understood that, as Carl Jung teaches: “To confront a person with his shadow is to show him his own light.” My relationship with Daniela and Michael was certainly not the easiest that I have encountered over the past ten years, but, as I have already mentioned, it was one of the most rewarding in terms of my learning process. They represented authority and as such they soon became a real challenge. When I started to develop awareness about how relationships can be like mirrors, I understood that the stronger my feelings towards them, the more there was to see in the mirror. The more, through them, I could learn about myself. They had been set on my path to show me something I had to grasp and integrate. They had come to point out certain truths about myself as a human being, and, as Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life explains, “The truth will set you free but, first it may make you miserable!” Stella took this message a step further when she told me not too long ago, during a discussion we had around the issue of developing the capacity to be
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honest with ourselves and others, that, “The truth can hurt us so much, Mum, but it has the wonderful power to deeply heal us too!”
Healthy Boundaries How can I be real if I don’t know who I really am and if I don’t feel safe enough to be real? Healthy boundaries are one important ingredient in my being able to be real, to be and live as my True Self. This is because boundaries protect the integrity and well-being of my True Self. When I am real, I can have almost unlimited potential in my relationships and my life. I can be aware of my inner life, connect with and relate to others in healthy ways, and heal any of my woundedness that I may wish. I can experience, learn, grow, celebrate and enjoy my life. Charles Whitefield, Boundaries and Relationships, pages 156-157 In psychology we refer to relationships as healthy or unhealthy, and we can easily work out which category each of them falls into. A healthy relationship isn’t necessarily an easy one though; it can be challenging, but still it is one that allows us to satisfy our basic needs as well as heal our deepest wounds. I believe that my relationship with Daniela and Michael was a healthy one even though there were situations when, I think, despite doing their best to support and mold me, their sudden reactions to my neurotic behaviors were not coming from their light side but from their shadow instead. They are humans and like everyone else they are certainly not perfect. But without a doubt, I can assert they were doing their best to shape me and encourage my transformation. As authoritarian figures they acted from a position of power and in doing so they gave me several opportunities to transfer the authoritarian and controlling figures of my mum and granddad on them. As a result of this psychological dynamic, I had the chance to heal a deep scar still hidden within me. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Through Daniela’s and Michael’s blunt but honest approach I was able to recognize how I myself could be brutally authoritative and sharp at times. More importantly though, my strong reaction to their authoritarian attitudes revealed for the very first time one of the greatest gifts my parents passed on me: the ability to submit when the going gets tough! In order to get what I really wanted and loved, I had to submit. Thanks to this gift, I was able to develop willpower, self-discipline, tenacity and resilience. They were qualities I needed in order to face challenging times and make the most of my life. In some way, Alessandra’s tragic event of attempting suicide which led to my encounter with Marilyn and then Craig, was a link in a chain of circumstances that resulted in me meeting Daniela and Michael. All these events and relationships, along with several others, contributed to my metamorphosis and facilitated my transformation from a caterpillar into a butterfly. They all had a great impact on my personal choices and future actions. They empowered me to develop my sense of self and let go of my masks. They helped me to change from the inside out, making me wiser and healthier; calmer and gentler. They set me free to soar to new heights.
Spiritual Journey Today I believe that people enter our life not by coincidence but for a divine purpose. All of them represent divine gifts. In my case, some encounters have lasted only a moment, others for months and others for years. Irrespective of how long my relationships with others have been, each person has touched my life in some way and facilitated my awakening and subsequent healing. Antonellina’s unexpected phone call, when I was searching for my financial and emotional independence from my family in my early twenties, led me to meet Leonardo. Her small and apparently insignificant action had a tremendous impact on the direction of my life. Leonardo came into my life with a wonderful gift too: he was 212
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and is the mirror of my deep and unconscious anxieties and fears. He helped me to reconnect with the frightened part of myself that I had neglected for so long. My relationship with him triggered my desire for self-healing and made me develop willpower, self-discipline, tenacity and resilience to face the daily obstacles I had and still have in my marriage and in my life. Meeting Marilyn years later, in Singapore, I experienced the unconditional love of an accepting mother that I had never known in my childhood. Later, there was Craig, the gentle therapist who, with his distant presence remained in my life for a few years, before completely fading away. He helped me to heal the wounds of my inner child who had never experienced her father’s overt and genuine love. Craig also inspired my decision to follow a career as a coach and counselor. Then, when I least expected it, his silent presence influenced my life again. In 2005, Lucy Lyon came to see me as a client on Craig’s recommendation. A coincidence? I don’t think so. I prefer to believe that people always come in and out of our lives to facilitate our physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual development. Relationships develop and transform, they don’t stay the same for life and they can bring us many different gifts. In my life, Lucy has become a wonderful friend and has worked with me on the editing of this very book. She is someone who I choose to believe will leave a major imprint on my life and in the lives of many others. She came to show me how her own denial, resistance, fear of pain and addiction to struggle once belonged to me and she has been the bright reflection of the commitment, endurance, action and healthy submission I also experienced when I was in counseling sessions with Marilyn. I remember Michael Wenger telling me, just a few years ago, how clients can also be mirrors for trainers and educators. He explained that they can reflect where we once were ourselves and how, slowly, we have grown and healed since then. Indeed, I believe I met Lucy at a time in my life when I needed to acknowledge how far I had progressed on my journey of awareness and spiritual maturity, and STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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how effective I was in mastering my own life. With her discreet, loving presence she made me celebrate my own achievements and focus on how healthy I had become. The time had arrived to evaluate what I had attained through my years of dedication to change. Lucy came to remind me to have faith in my gifts and passion: I could share all I had learned to inspire others. For many, taking an inventory of life is irrelevant. They’re not interested in evaluating life. They’re happy the way things are. It’s on very rare occasions that they would do this. For others, self-examination happens when something prompts them to look back and to look forward and evaluate — to reckon with reality. Dr. Luis Pantoja Jr., Wisdom for the Whys, page 87
Stella We need to use, value and endure relationships. We are meant to share our lives with others and therefore to make the right effort to maintain relationships instead of discarding them because they are too challenging or emotionally intense for us. A relationship with someone close to us can be the unconscious motivation to decide to take the first step towards action and be the beginning of our healing. I believe that our children are given to us for a divine purpose too. It was my daughter, Stella, who drove me to reflect first and understand I needed serious help. In searching for support I set in motion a series of encounters and events that had a great impact on my marriage and life and were central to my personal transformation. Her presence strongly motivated me to choose to look inside, to ask for help, to wake up and to press forward. She had come into my life for a divine purpose! With her presence, Stella continues to teach me so much about myself. She is the reflection of who I was as a teenager. She is 214
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creative, daring, strong, active and sharp. She is also fearful, vulnerable and irrational. She is light and shadow. She is bearing the scars of a childhood in which she witnessed my dysfunctions and manipulation. When she was four years old I saw my own vulnerability as a child in her eyes. My incapacity to protect myself was reflected back to me every time I abused her and I saw her as being frightened of my sharp reactions. She was the trigger for me to finally claim responsibility for my unhealthy behaviors. If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. We’re often quite sure about what other people need to do, how they should live, whom they should be with. We have 20/20 vision about other people, but not about ourselves. Byron Katie, Loving What Is, page 12 When Stella was seven, I noticed she was often coming home from school looking as if she was scared of something. It was true that I hadn’t hit her for almost three years, since I had started my process of counseling and change, but the reality was that I still struggled to accept her unconditionally at times. Occasionally I would perceive her as weak and incapable of doing things the way I expected and I could snap, shout at her and say awful things that I would not dream of saying to any child that age today. I was aware of my behaviors though. Was she coming home frightened that I would shout at her unpredictably or was something bothering her at school? I had a choice either to ignore the situation or to confront it. I chose to directly ask Stella what was worrying her. She told me that her teacher, Mr. Brown, sometimes raised his voice at school and when he did so, she got so petrified she couldn’t answer his questions. Stella was not aware of why she could be so intimidated. I, however, thought I knew where her fear was coming from. I guessed that Mr. Brown was probably using the tone of his voice to get the students’ attention. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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At that time I was already studying psychology and I was conscious of how we can easily transfer to others behaviors that belong to our parents or caretakers. Stella was probably transferring my voice and way of behaving on Mr. Brown. When I raised my voice at home, it was because I was exhausted and frustrated. On those occasions, I would easily direct my irrational anger at Stella with abusive language. She would be terrified at seeing me lose my self-control this way and probably imagined that by keeping quiet I would stop. This had been the exact same emotional reaction I had when faced with my mum’s or grandfather’s rage. The paradox was that the more Stella became dismayed by my sharp, negative reactions, the more I felt the compulsive need to be verbally abusive. I was the persecutor, while Stella was the little powerless victim. Her incapacity to assert and protect herself, instead of calming my rage down, triggered pure madness in me. In her becoming the little submissive girl with no voice, I was witnessing myself as the vulnerable and hopeless child I had been and in a way I still was. Stella was the perfect reflection of who I had been as a little innocent child. It was obvious that my anger, which was completely out of proportion, was a compulsive response to my own paralysis and fear, certainly not hers. In getting furious with her, I was experiencing an uncontrollable urge to show how powerful I was. The sad reality was that the only person I could show this power to was powerless. I decided that I had to take responsibility and overcome my feeling of shame by talking honestly with her teacher; it was time to take off my mask with him too. I could not allow my fear of embarrassing myself to prevent Stella from unleashing her potential at school. I had already done enough damage to my gorgeous little girl. So I went to meet Mr. Brown and told him that I had been and still was, in some ways, an unhealthy, abusive mother with my daughter. I explained that this was probably why she reacted as she did when he raised his voice in class. As I spoke, I shed my mask and I showed Stella’s second grade teacher the real me: my eyes were filled with tears and I was overcome 216
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with deep embarrassment. I was overwhelmed by guilt and shame. Mr. Brown looked at me in silence and with no judgment for a few seconds, then, he revealed his compassionate understanding by saying: “If only all mothers could be so brave to come and honestly share the difficulties they have been facing at home with their sons and daughters! I would then be able to better understand their children and their attitudes and therefore help them to fulfill their potential.” I left Stella’s school that day emotionally exhausted but also feeling inspired and empowered. I knew that not giving in to shame and denial and claiming responsibility for my own actions I had helped not only Stella but also myself to become more real. My daughter had again been the trigger that enabled me to further confront my vulnerability, my own fear and my own guilt. Once more her presence moved me a step closer to disengaging from my negative neurotic ways of responding to situations and people. Our children can teach us so much if we take the time to look inside their souls and be in tune with them. There is no way I can erase the past and the awful way I treated Stella for years. She bears the scars of generations of abuse and neglect in my family. But denial, fear, shame and toxic guilt cannot be an excuse to avoid responsibility; nor can our age. We can start finding the courage to change at any time by working on becoming more authentic and day by day embracing our own fear of being judged and labeled by the society we live in. Our children can only benefit and heal from our own courage to change and transform in all our dimensions. Through our own expanded awareness they can gain or enhance their awareness too. When they grow up, enriched by this awareness, they can then choose to assume responsibility for their own actions. One year ago, when she was 14, Stella wrote an interesting example of how she perceives other people, including herself: “Mum, I believe that when we’re born, we are completely innocent, untouched, undamaged and willing to be and live just as we are. Our soul is like a brand new mirror, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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whole, clean and pure. As we grow up and experience life, we change, as does our mirror. Every painful word, stare or act from others stabs us, cutting into our mirror and cracking a fraction of the reflective glass. Every time someone calls us ‘fat’ or ‘unworthy’, ‘stupid’ or ‘useless’, a new crack appears. Finally, after a number of painful years the glass is so broken that we can’t see ourselves anymore and we’re lost. What do we do? Well, we have a choice: to stay lost and broken or to try and fix ourselves. When we begin to heal, we reflect on the things that have brought us down and slowly piece together our broken mirror. It’s not a quick process or an easy one, Mum, but there comes a time when we can see our ‘whole self’ once again in our mirror. We don’t look the same as before, for the mirror has merely been pieced together and the cracks are therefore still visible; they are scars that will always remain. They are like that little voice in the back of our minds, the pain that sometimes still grips our heart reminding us of what happened and how we once were.” Stella, like all children, is highly intuitive. Through my own and Leonardo’s journey, she has gained an amazing awareness. Today she is able to see things in me that I still, at times, fail to recognize. She is a divine gift in my life. In my journey of transformation I learned how to allow her to be honest with her range of feelings towards me. I became open to her brutal frankness and sincere feedback, through which I get to know a little bit more about myself. Once we went to the cinema to watch the animated movie, Madagascar. After a few days, Leonardo and I were discussing how the four main characters, represented by animals, embodied different personalities. We shared our thoughts and feelings about which animal we perceived we were like. I saw myself as the zebra who was pictured in the movie as a dreamer and adventurer who was not afraid of the 218
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unknown. The zebra had a vision, made plans and took risks to make her dream a reality. Later that evening, I asked Stella which animal she related to and which animal she perceived in me. She was direct and with daring candor answered straightaway. In me she had seen the lion. The lion was a character that on the outside was bold and brave, yet inside was terribly insecure and fearful. He talked big, then when it came to the time to take real action, doubted himself and stepped back, afraid of the consequences. The lion was a coward, “Just like you, Mum!” said Stella. Children can be so direct, awfully true and authentic. They can see what we fail to see ourselves; Stella had seen the real Elisabetta. She had recognized the two sides of me: the strong, passionate, and aggressive side as well as the fearful, submissive one. Thanks to my daughter, I can admit that in spite of all the awareness I have gained and how much I have healed, my journey of transformation and spiritual growth is not over. At times I still lose track of my real healthy self. I still allow myself to enter the toxic cycle of doing too much, being over-responsible, getting exhausted and overwhelmed, which often leads me to lose my self-control. As Stella so easily pointed out, the two extremes of me can unconsciously take over. I wear my masks from time to time, even though I am a healthy adult. I still often tend to judge instead of observing and I can be prone to be hard on myself and others too. The difference today is that I know I am human, that I’m not perfect, and that is absolutely okay!
Drama Queen I feel so selfish, For thinking I was in pain. Maybe they are all right, When they say I am like my mother, Just another drama queen.
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Maybe I am just the same as her. Maybe I am just as bad. But one thing I know is, If I might just add... My mum is a strong woman. My mum is a beautiful woman. And my mother, Yes, my mother, She saved me. Saved me from everything. Saved me from a thousand tears, And made me get through all these years. I love her, and thank her, For all the good she has brought to me. And here I am, and there she is, Closer than we’ve ever been. May be it’s not so bad, To just be a drama queen. (I love you Mommy!) © 2005 Stella Talpo
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REFLECTIONS This section of the book is designed to help you focus on the content of the chapter you have just read. You might become aware of possible emotions, thoughts, needs and wants you didn’t realize you had before. You can ask yourself: 1)
What emotions and thoughts did I experience as I worked through this chapter? What was challenging for me in this chapter? What did I understand or learn?
2)
Relationships: What are relationships for me? Are relationships important to reach my goals and to cultivate balance in life? If so, why?
3)
Life Events: What are life events for me? Is the way I respond to life events relevant to achieve my dreams and balance in life?
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Chapter 11: Love
223 Loving Ourselves, Loving Others 226
Paine Wingate’s Poem — Flowing Acceptance
228 Breaking the Chains
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Chapter 11: Love Loving Ourselves, Loving Others “Love yourself” was a phrase I first came across in Louise Hay’s book in Bali at the beginning of my journey of transformation, more than fifteen years ago. I then repeatedly heard it from others and read it in several other self-help and psychological books. Every time I did, I was left feeling perplexed as to what that sentence really meant. My love for Stella was the initial drive that led me to choose to take action, change my behaviors and transform my personal life. My love for Leonardo fueled my commitment to break the chain of codependency in my marriage and let go of the silent acceptance of unhappiness I had witnessed in my family of origin. At almost 40, my love of helping others inspired my career change. The motivation for all my actions always came from loving others and my desire to help them. There was no balance. My actions were never motivated by the desire to love or help myself. Erich Fromm in his book, The Art of Loving, reminds us that, “If an individual is able to love productively, he loves himself too; if he can love only others, he cannot love at all.” When I say love myself I mean taking care of myself, being gentle with myself, not judging myself and accepting all of who I am: the positive and the negative, the light and the shadow. In December 2003, I attended a training program in Italy based on the Family Constellations, the work of Bert Hellinger and Bertold Ulsamer. Wolfgang Michael Harlacher, the Director of IAK (Institut Fur Angewandte Kurzeeittherapie) in Switzerland and also the therapist facilitating the seminar, opened the first morning session by looking at me and saying, “What I understand from your past and your present Elisabetta is that you have spent your life trying to rescue and be responsible for people all the time. As a child you were
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trying to save all the members of your family from their own unhappy, unhealthy existence. As an adult you are trying to do the same with everyone around you. What about starting to focus on saving and taking care of yourself?” I believe he wanted to draw my attention to how unbalanced I still was in always making others, consciously or unconsciously, the priority over myself. I had still not broken the toxic cycle of compulsively giving to others and doing for others. Just like my mum, I believed others were more worthy than I was of love. The love that I was not able to give to myself I was trying to buy from those around me. What was worse was that I didn’t allow others to give me their love; I didn’t know how to receive it. I had not yet integrated what I’d read years before in The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck: “Love is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious withholding as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticising. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting. It is leadership.” Michael Wolfgang highlighted the fact that I needed to look for the love I desired within myself. It was time to stop trying with my actions to make everybody happy in order to feel happy myself. It was time to stop rescuing the world in the vain attempt to feel good and gain love. I remember Gabrielle Roth in one of her workshops saying, “Love equals attention.” I needed to re-direct the attention I was constantly and compulsively giving out. I needed to start giving attention, and therefore love, to myself. But still, my question was “How?” I just didn’t get it. “How could I learn to develop the love that came so easily for others, for myself?” One day, all of a sudden, the truth struck me. The reality was that I had to learn to accept myself completely! I had to start liking every part of me, not just 50%. It wasn’t only Leonardo, my mum, my dad, my brother and my friends who had loved only 50% of me for so many years. I always blamed them for their partial and conditional love, unaware that it was a reflection of 224
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the partial and conditional love I had for myself. What they hated about me and could not accept, I didn’t like about myself or accept either. How could I ever truly love myself if I kept on rejecting half of who I really was? I could understand logically that I had to start giving myself attention in order to completely heal and achieve real balance in my life. I had got rid of toxic layers of fear, shame, guilt and anger for what I had had to go through as a child and then as a teenager and young woman. I had deeply forgiven those responsible for the abuse and my lost childhood. But had I forgiven myself for all the pain I had caused to my daughter, my husband and others? I still didn’t have the kind of balance I was looking for in my life. I was still continuously trying to rescue and be responsible for Leonardo. I was still too controlling over Stella’s life. Whenever I could, I was still doing my best to fix others. It was easy to give my attention to others and feel responsible for them, but what about me? Without complete forgiveness and whole acceptance of both sides of me, my light and shadow, I could not truly love myself. In The Holy Bible (Mark 12:31), one of the greatest commandments is: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” In The Art of Loving, Erich Fromm says: “If it is a virtue to love my neighbour as a human being, it must be a virtue – and not a vice – to love myself, since I am a human being too.” Fromm then adds that: “The idea expressed in the Biblical ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself!’ implies that respect for one’s own integrity and uniqueness, love for and understanding of one’s own self, cannot be separated from respect and love and understanding for another individual.” The love for our own self therefore determines how we love someone else. If I did not love myself completely, how could I love others? What kind of love was I giving them? Was it healthy or neurotic love? Was it conditional or unconditional? In order to truly love myself and therefore be able to healthily love others, I had to take two major steps. The first was to deeply STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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forgive myself for the things I had done to Leonardo and Stella in the past. This would enable me to further overcome the neurotic guilt and shame still driving my actions and choices in the present. The second was to start welcoming those parts of me I had always refused to reclaim and honor as mine: my mother’s aggressive abusiveness and my father’s incapacity to take responsibility and face conflict. Despite the extensive work I’d gone through in therapy, I still unconsciously judged those traits as bad and therefore I kept rejecting them in myself and projecting them on others around me. The reality was that they were an integral part of who I was, and they had caused me to hurt people I cared about. After years of increasing awareness I had finally come to grasp the idea that it was unlikely that Leonardo, Stella, my mum, dad, brother or friends could ever like and accept 100% of Elisabetta. They are all human, just like me. I had to stop having this expectation and stop trying to buy their unconditional love. One day, while I was praying and meditating, as I usually do each morning, I had a great insight. The familiar positive voice from within came to reveal that I could forgive and accept myself unconditionally only by learning directly from God’s way of loving. I had to love myself as God loves. God never judges, never rejects. He always accepts and always forgives. God wants people to strive to be like Him, a true source of unconditional love. I needed to follow God’s example: accept, forgive and love myself for who I had been in the past and who I had become in the present.
Flowing Acceptance And before Flowing Acceptance there was no real happiness. And no matter how hard I worked to become more, So that I could be happy with what I had or what I was, 226
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I could never quite be enough. Before Flowing Acceptance there was no real love, either. No matter how hard I tried to be really loving, I just couldn’t love the way I wanted to love [or to be loved]. There were always those warts of imperfection on the other peoples’ noses. Worse still, there were all those warts on my own nose. And on my work. And on everything around me. But now, with Flowing Acceptance, I realize that Perfection is not the way things should be, but the way things actually are. That perfection is never finished, never complete, but always growing. Like a perfect seed growing into a perfect flower, Not from ‘imperfection’ to Perfection, But from Perfection, to Perfection, to Perfection. The warts are part of this Perfection. I’m part of this Perfection. I am just the way I am supposed to be. By accepting this I can accept myself, and by accepting myself, I can love myself as well. Everybody is part of this Perfection. By accepting this, I can accept others and love others also. Which is not the same thing as liking them. Or wanting to be with them. And with Flowing Acceptance I realize that there is only good.
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And that “bad’ is only how I see those experiences whose part in my growth I do not yet understand. By accepting this, I can accept my life and all it brings me, and love my life as well. With Flowing Acceptance, I realize that what I have is enough. That it is all I need to have, here and now, to take the next step on my path. I realize that what I am is enough. That it is just the way I need to be, here and now, to take the next step on my path. And I realized that life is not a fight to test me, But an experience to teach me, And that I am constantly being provided with just what I need for my growth. We are no longer happy because or unhappy because. We are happy. Period. It is unconditional love and it has nothing to do with what somebody is or isn’t, Or does or doesn’t. From Tilling The Soul © 1984 Paine Wingate
Breaking the Chain If you are really looking to break the chain, I invite you to trace your emotions back to the past in order to gain a clear understanding of your present. Invest time and energy. When times are challenging, find solace in your prayers and as soon you realize that something is not okay, dare to ask for help, make it a priority. Too often, only when people experience a crisis or reach a point
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where they feel they can no longer continue as they have been, do they look for help from professionals. We spend a fortune on clothes, cosmetics, diets and work-outs, even surgery to make our bodies more attractive, yet we hardly consider the dimension that enhances everyone’s appeal and our inner and outer well-being: our emotional health. M. Scott Peck, whose writings have been deeply inspirational to my work, in Golf and the Spirit explains: “A great many people suffer from the problem I have come to call ‘cheap forgiveness’. They come from their first session with a therapist and say, ‘Well, I know that I didn’t have the greatest of childhoods, but my parents did the best they could and I’ve forgiven them.’ But as the therapist gets to know them, he finds that they have not forgiven their parents at all. They have simply convinced themselves that they have. With such people, the first part of therapy consists of putting their parents on trial. And it is a lot of work. It requires briefs for the prosecution, and briefs for the defense, and then appeals and counterappeals, until a judgment is finally brought in. Because this process requires so much work, most people opt for cheap forgiveness. But it is only when a guilty verdict is brought in – ‘No, my parents did not do the best they could; they could have done better; they committed certain offenses against me’ – that the work of real forgiveness can begin. You cannot pardon someone for a crime he hasn’t committed. Only after a guilty verdict can there be a pardon.” It’s nearly impossible to steer our life in a particular direction until we come to terms with our past. In rejecting and resisting our past, we only continue to give energy to it and we magnify its power: it is then that the past takes control of our present. In revisiting our past with a trusting heart we may understand and embrace it. We can then choose to emotionally detach from it, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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breaking the chain of abuse, neglect, denial and emotional addiction that has spanned generations. Finally, free from negative and compulsive forces, we can then focus on our present and create a healthy future for us and our family. We need to get rid of old layers of toxic fear, anger, shame and guilt first, if we want real love to flow again freely within us. In order to do so, we have to be open also to the suffering and despair that may come from looking back at what happened. Our call is to confront and evaluate reality, certainly not to judge it. Once our past is acknowledged and processed, we can forgive it, letting go of the prison of behaviors and beliefs that served a purpose in childhood but have become useless and self-defeating in adulthood. Bridging my past and present moved me to a new phase in my life. I knew I had to honestly admit that there were two sides of me, light and shadow, in order to live my life with integrity. I had to honor my vulnerability and weaknesses, and let go of my arrogance in believing I could ever be the indispensable, perfect mum, wife, woman and friend. As I acknowledged and embraced my brokenness, my false self gradually died off. It was as if I had been re-born, full of vitality, passion and genuine love for myself and others. I have no doubt that the financial investment I made in order to take care of my emotional health was a sound one. The reward was incredible; it has deeply transformed me and my family. If I were taken back in time today, fully aware of the assets of my financial investment, I would make the same decisions despite the money, time and energy required. The payoff? I overcame my bulimia and alopecia. I recovered my emotional and physical health. I developed a wonderful relationship with my daughter and finally broke the chain of codependency with my husband. Today I am more accepting and flexible in all my relationships. I experience true forgiveness for my mum, dad, granddad, my brother and for myself too. Is my journey over? No, it is not. Transformation from the inside out is a never ending
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process, and I am fully committed to it. At times, I am still scared. At times, I still doubt myself and my actions. At times, I relapse in old unhealthy behaviors. It is during these times that I have learned not to judge myself. Instead, I sit down, observe my humanity, surrender in contemplation to God’s presence next to me, and connect with the truth so beautifully expressed in this wonderful story, which in 1999 I first encountered on one of my training courses: One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. In almost all the scenes, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonged to him, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints. This really bothered him as he saw that this happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life. He questioned the Lord about it. “Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.” The Lord replied, “My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.” Today, I know I am no longer alone and I don’t have to struggle. When the going gets tough I reconnect with the source of loving energy within me, which now I believe comes directly from a divine and higher power. I recognize this energy of love has always been there, I had simply disconnected from it. That energy of love has helped me to replace my anger with passion. That energy of love enables me to be bubbling, surrendering and trusting like a child. That energy of love drives me to be committed, consistent and coherent, choosing a
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challenging path, instead of an easy one, when necessary. That energy of love allows me on a daily basis to stay focused on the practice of patience and persistence. That energy of love makes me aware that I don’t have to sacrifice or give up my values, beliefs and dreams just because of others’ skepticism or lack of support. That energy of love teaches me when it’s time to make it happen and when the time has come to let it happen. It is by nurturing, day by day, healthy love for myself and for others that I can consistently fuel the inner motivation to get into gear to achieve my goals. It is by constantly connecting with this love for myself and for others that I can hold on to faith and hope when obstacles are in my way. It is by focusing on the love for myself and others that I can choose to let go of what distracts me and only give attention to the positive voice coming from within: the voice which reminds all the time that I am worthy of love and I am good enough. Yes, that indeed, I am okay! I believe life is like preparing for and running a marathon. To do so successfully you need action and rest, discipline and tolerance, endurance and healthy submission. In a way, we are all on this earth to prepare for and run the marathon of our lives. Are you ready to run the distance?
The End
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EPILOGUE
I went to see Al Gore’s movie An Inconvenient Truth on global warming some time ago. At one point in the documentary, he states that people often go from denial to despair, missing the step in the middle: the one of choosing action. I completely agree with his statement. When facing the truth after letting go of denial, people easily plunge from denial straight into despair. They either feel sorry for themselves and others or are overwhelmed by guilt and shame for what they did or didn’t do or for what they suffered. Too often we fail to see that like denial, despair paralyzes us from taking responsibility. Rather than enhancing our existence, despair and denial impede us from responding with positive action to the reality we must face when we want to change. The purpose of this book is to motivate people to let go of denial, and promptly take action to build and expand awareness about how abuse and neglect of children, when ignored, have devastating consequences on present and future generations. Many survivors are in denial of the effects of early abuse, perhaps because they are so eager to put the experience behind them. Some victims of abuse and neglect may fail to see any connection between being abandoned or physically violated and later tendencies toward abusive relationships, inability to trust, or problems with intimacy. Others may try to make themselves feel better by minimizing what was done to them, telling themselves that their abuse could not have been ‘as bad’ as that of other victims. It is undeniable that the results of child abuse and neglect are realities that are minimized and not given enough publicity these days. Do you know that a high percentage of people who have been sexually or physically abused often end up abusing others, just like I did with my daughter, husband and myself? Are you aware that a lot of children STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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who have been abused, neglected, mistreated, or unknowingly made responsible for the emotional or physical needs of their parents, on any level, may go on to suffer from drug and alcohol, sex and gambling addictions or mental illness, homelessness, anxiety, eating disorders, or suicide? They may even lead lives of crime or indifference. Victims of abuse, neglect or mistreatment often remain unconsciously locked in their intense cycle of shame and self-blame, since they feel that, no matter how young they were when the abuse, neglect and mistreatment took place, they were somehow to blame. They therefore avoid confronting the truth and in so doing turn themselves into prisoners of their own guilt, shame and self-pity. A thick wall of denial is built and the cycle of toxic abuse is repeated. We still fail to see that more energy, time and money need to be directed toward educating people about these mostly unspoken issues, because what we are exposed to as children shapes our existence and has an undeniable impact on our adult lives. Adults who abuse, molest or neglect children are found worldwide. Everywhere, everyday, so many children suffer the consequences of abuse and neglect – in their families, in their schools and in their communities. The lack of evenly distributed wealth and the consequent inability to equally educate children and parents around the world is considered to be one of the greatest factors in the cycle of abusive violence and aggressive behaviors that plague the world. We would like to think that childhood is a joyful, adventurous time, a time when we feel and are secure and safe. But the reality is different; most of the time the truth is manipulated or denied and the consequences are devastating. Yes, my story is one among many stories of abuse and certainly not one of the worst. But it does illustrate how continuous denial, despair and dysfunctional parental behaviors are passed down from generation to generation, until someone decides to take the action of breaking the chain. I am just one of the millions of examples of how,
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due to the lack of education, abused children can themselves become abusers. Our society is affected by the scars of child abuse, mistreatment and neglect, which are the major roots of all the fear, anger, hate, revenge, as well as racial prejudice that exist in our world today. It is, however, an uncomfortable and painful subject that we prefer to ignore or deny – it is indeed an inconvenient truth. Yet the more we choose to stay in denial or despair, rejecting our own responsibility for the terrifying enormity of this issue, the more we perpetuate the problem and the suffering for ourselves and others. Trapped in a vicious, toxic cycle we swing from despair back to denial creating layers of indifference as we step further away from the truth. The hardening of the heart is a slow steady process of ignoring the truth to the point of being indifferent to the truth. Pastor Luis Pantoja Jr., Sunday Sermon at the International Baptist Church (IBC) – Singapore, 2005 If you are questioning whether we are all affected by the results of child abuse and neglect, just take some time to reflect on the impact that anger, hate and revenge have on our society. When we become aware of this dramatic reality our duty is not to run in despair. Our duty, instead, is to respond and become accountable for our own actions or inactions and the consequences that have been created by living in denial for generations. Each and every one of us should take the responsibility to look inside ourselves and ensure we are living emotionally healthy lives. If we are not and we chose to ignore and deny it, we are destined to repeat the negative behaviors and mistakes of our parents and their predecessors. Many people have compared their life and experiences with mine. They have told me that they feel sad for me and consider themselves lucky not to have gone through the physical, emotional, STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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verbal and sexual abuse I had to endure. Some have said that their mothers did smack them sometimes but were not as emotionally unbalanced as mine. Others have admitted that their father did drink too much and worked too many hours but was more present in their lives than my father was in mine. “So what?” I have asked myself on hearing these comments. Does that mean that I am the only one who experienced a childhood where there was a lack of unconditional love and acceptance? Surely not. Through the stories of my clients and my friends I hear about fathers who never sexually abused their daughters or touched them inappropriately, but were incessantly doting, over-adoring fathers who transformed their daughters into their emotional partners. I have discovered that many fathers, unlike my own dad, were ambitious and were protecting their family but with an authoritarian control that didn’t allow the other members of the family the freedom to express themselves. Other fathers provided financial stability for the family but were so busy working that they were never there for them emotionally. And there were fathers who, instead of confronting situations and conflicts, walked out on the family, abandoning their children and wives. I have heard of mothers who weren’t as angry or out of control as my mother was, but were depressed or sick all the time instead. Other mothers were overprotective or unhappy, anxious and fearful; unconsciously and in a subtle way they made their children, often boys, responsible for their own happiness; they relied on their children for the emotional fulfillment their husband did not give them. There were mothers who didn’t have the courage to say “No” to the violence or mistreatment at home and chose to remain in an abusive household. Some mothers didn’t fight to break the chain of unhealthy codependency and remained unsatisfied in a marriage with an irresponsible husband who did nothing, or very little, to lead or protect those at home. Others tolerated overt or covert betrayal in favor of an easy-going, comfortable lifestyle. Some mothers abandoned 236
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the family; some left and took all their children while others went away leaving one child with their father, therefore creating a painful separation among siblings. There are mums who, because of their toxic emotional turmoil and lack of self-esteem, developed obsessive behaviors: unknowingly they became unhealthy role models for their own young daughters. Many people intellectually justify, minimize or compare their parents’ attitudes or actions: “No wonder my mum was so stressed all the time – she had us children to look after, while holding down a full time job. My dad wasn’t there to help her but that wasn’t his fault; he had so much work to do.” Or, “Dad only hit me sometimes. I’m sure I deserved it; I was the rebel.” Or, “Mum didn’t have time for me because I was the last of eight children.” Or, “Daddy left home for another woman when I was just a toddler. He was unhappy with Mum; I can understand his choice. Mum became depressed and never remarried. I spent my childhood being her little companion. It was okay!” Or, “Daddy died when I was three years old. He certainly didn’t choose to abandon me. I don’t think I lost out hugely growing up without a dad. Mum was there for me. She never re-married and lived for me only.” I am not suggesting that all parents are abusive or that we have to blame them for not giving their children unconditional love and acceptance all the time. I am simply advocating a need to be honest and responsible. Ignoring, minimizing, comparing and justifying are simply different mechanisms of denial, which prevent us from being overtly authentic with ourselves and others. They inhibit us from facing what are, for many of us, inconvenient truths. Building the foundations for a future that breaks the chain with the past has to be a deliberate choice. Ten years ago I chose to embark on a journey of truth over lies, responsibility over denial and despair, and I don’t regret any action I have taken to reach the state of wellbeing and joy I’m experiencing today. I started this journey through counseling and psychotherapy, resources that are still sadly considered taboo by many and which I hope from reading this book you now STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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recognize as healthy tools to facilitate transformation. I persisted and continued to deepen my awareness through coaching sessions, reading, workshops and exploring traditional or alternative therapies which enabled me to develop and grow in my four dimensions: physical, intellectual, emotional and relational. Then, three years ago, meeting Dr. Luis Pantoja Jr. from Manila and witnessing his Christian faith in action was so inspirational that I also began a spiritual journey that led me to know and experience the power of faith and hope. Taking risks, investing time, energy and money in my personal growth were actions I chose for my own and my family’s health. They were actions of responsibility that led me, my husband Leonardo and our daughter Stella on a journey towards emotional freedom.
You can never really live anyone else’s life, not even your child’s. The influence you exert is through your own life, and what you’ve become yourself. Eleanor Roosevelt
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Part II ON ABUSE, NEGLECT AND MISTREATMENT
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The Power of Choice
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Kinds of Abuse
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• Physical Abuse
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• Sexual Abuse
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• Emotional Abuse
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The Power of Choice Letting go of denial and becoming individually aware about the serious consequences of abuse, neglect and mistreatment in our society is certainly relevant but not enough. More action is required: action that educates and informs everyone, worldwide, about this. How many of us know that abused children are about 50% more likely to be arrested as juveniles and almost 40% more likely to be arrested for violent crime? How many of us are aware that young girls or boys who are neglected, physically or sexually abused have been found to have an increased risk of depression, drug related-problems, eating disorders, suicide? In many cases their social problems begin to manifest themselves very early on with the display of antisocial behaviors. During pre-school years in fact, abused children may get angry far more often and suffer of a lack of enthusiasm or self-control and not be very popular among their peers. Through my work and studies in the field of abuse, neglect and mistreatment, I came to understand that it is extremely hard for most parents to grasp the devastating consequences and social implications of abuse and neglect that modern research in the field of emotional health has revealed. From an early age they learned misleading messages that have blinded them to the harsh reality. I hope that the content of this book and the quotes I used from several authors, may open the eyes of many and overall build deep awareness and understanding. I am fully convinced that it is awareness and education that provide the power of choice that can motivate in each of us the responsibility to take action and move towards real and lasting change. Physical, sexual and emotional abuse as well as neglect and mistreatment are more widespread than we may think and it could be occurring right on our doorstep. Unfortunately most of us don’t even know how to exactly identify abuse or what the different kinds of abuse are! 240
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Kinds of Abuse Generally abuse is defined as ‘anything less than nurturing’, or any action that ‘attacks and disrupts the child’s reality.’ And by child’s reality I mean her or his body, thinking process, emotions and behaviors. Spankings, beatings, slaps in the face, sexual exploitation, caning, humiliation, derision, harsh criticism, betrayal, neglect or abandonment are all forms of abuse, because they injure the integrity and dignity of a child, even if their consequences are not visible right away. However, as adults, most abused children will suffer, and create suffering for others from these injuries. Abuse can be defined in different ways: physical, sexual or emotional, including what is called ‘emotional incest’ and ‘enmeshment’, where a parent looks to one or more of the children for relationship gratification that should be sought from the spouse or another adult, a fact that is very common in our society. Another way to assess abuse is to look at whether the abuse is overt or covert, obvious or subtle. In the past fifty years or so, several eminent authors have eloquently confronted and denounced the reality and consequences of abuse, in its various forms: from Alice Miller to John Bradshaw, M. Scott Peck to Victoria Secunda, Dave Pelzer and Susan Forward, Melodie Beattie and many others. Their books are listed in the selected bibliography at the end of this book.
Physical Abuse Physical abuse is generally overt and obvious. It includes disrespectful care of the child’s body such as beating the head or the face, spanking, pinching, caning, scratching, burning, or too much touching. Physical abuse also can be covert and subtle. This is often defined as ‘witness abuse’: it occurs when a child doesn’t have a choice and has to watch another child being abused or the parents abusing each other.
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Sexual Abuse Some sexual abuse – incest, rape, molestation, voyeurism, and flashing – is overt. Sexually suggestive talking, joking, name-calling, leering and refusal to grant physical privacy are on the contrary a covert form of sexual exploitation. What we need to be aware of is that incest and rape cuts across all boundaries and effects individuals and families regardless of class, profession, race or religion. The percentage of sexually abused children, female and males, under the age of 18 is estimated to be dramatically high and reported to involve very young children often below the age of seven, when they are most vulnerable. In many cases the perpetrator is a close relative. One particularly challenging aspect of sexual abuse that arises for certain individuals and children is the experiencing of an amount of physical pleasure during the molestation or the sexual attack. To the unfortunate victims this reality causes the growing inner belief that they were somehow asking for it. This adds enormously to their sense of being at fault, dirty and shameful.
Emotional Abuse Abuse that is emotional and overt includes verbal attacks: namecalling, screaming or when the child experiences open and obvious forms of negative criticism, and forms of harsh verbal treatment. But emotional abuse can be subtle too. A form of covert emotional abuse comes in the disguise of silence, neglect, abandonment, demands for perfection and ‘over controlling reality’. Another common kind of covert emotional abuse is to treat the child with indifference and behavior that is uncaring to the point of abandonment. Covert abusive parenting refers to behaviors that exploit the child for the needs of the parents: inappropriate dependency and what it is referred as ‘emotional incest’ or ‘enmeshment’, a state in which the child is not allowed to be independent and responsible for him/
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herself. Instead the child is made to feel greater responsibility for one or more members of the family than for themselves. Covert abusive parenting is also about pushing for some kind of success the parent never achieved. Emotional blackmail is what I believe to be another type of emotional abuse. It is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers are well aware of how much we value our relationships with them. They know our weaknesses, vulnerability and secrets. They can be our parents, partners, co-workers, bosses, lovers and friends. Despite how much they love us or care about us, they make use of their emotional knowledge about us to win the payoff they most desire: our compliance and submission.
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Part III: Resource Guide A Awareness and Education
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The Power of Awareness and Education
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Seeking Professional Help A Commitment to Self-awareness
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Types of Therapies and ‘Tools’
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Types of Workshops and Retreats
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On Counseling, Psychotherapy and Personal Coaching
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• • •
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Useful Links • Self-Education • Music • Art Therapy
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Useful Associations • Abuse, Mistreatment, and Neglect • Eating Disorders • Codependency
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On Counseling and Psychotherapy On Personal Coaching How to Choose a Counselor, a Psychotherapist or a Personal Coach
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The Power of Awareness and Education My work as a coach, trainer and author bridges the personal with the professional. Mine is not a kind of didactic work: my passion is to foster awareness as well as education and inspire people to live life authentically from the inside, out. I decided to create this resource guide on The Power of Awareness and Education as my personal contribution to everyone whose desire is to educate and empower himself or herself and then share the power with others. Furthermore, I want to inform as many people as possible, above all youngsters before they become parents, that abuse, mistreatment and neglect have only very negative consequences. The methodologies I use in my work and the tools I suggest in this resource guide section come from more than ten years of both formal and self-education that I hope appeal to people from all walks of life.
Seeking Professional Help A Commitment to Self-Awareness Commitment to become all that we can be should be our gift to ourselves and to the world. For some of us, this means a lifetime of reading, learning through workshops and lectures, counseling and coaching. It means practicing and integrating what we hear and experience during seminars. It means building awareness from the inside, by expanding physically, intellectually and emotionally day by day and step by step. It means relationally and spiritually seeking out opportunities to stretch ourselves, as often as possible. If you have gained some new awareness as a result of reading this book, you may wish to further explore what you have discovered. The objective of this appendix is to provide you with some information and resources that may help you to do so. All of the therapies and ‘tools’ described here have been part of my personal journey – as well as my husband’s – and have supported our family in taking steps forward on our path towards healing. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Types of Therapies and ‘Tools’ • • •
Counseling and Psychotherapy Personal Coaching and Career Coaching Communication and Voice Coaching
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
Dance / Movement Therapy Music Therapy Relaxation Techniques Art Therapy Body Work Massage Primal Therapy Creative Visualization Network Spinal Analysis Yoga / Tai-chi Pilates Ayurvedic Medicine and Massage Personal Fitness Training Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Education Meditation Prayers
Types of Workshops and Retreats • • • • • • • • •
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Motivational Workshops Emotional Awareness Retreats Family Systemic Constellations Workshops Detox and Nutrition Retreats Health and Fitness Workshops Communication Workshops Wealth Seminars Body Movement Awareness Workshops Art Therapy Workshops
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On Counseling, Psychotherapy and Personal Coaching On Counseling and Psychotherapy As someone with a background in psychology and counseling, my belief is that one should explore the possibility of counseling or psychotherapy as openly as you would consider consulting your own family doctor. The idea that therapy is only for those who are deeply disturbed or have mental problems is, in my opinion, incorrect. There are times when we need help, and healthy and functional people may often benefit from counseling or psychotherapy just as they do from traditional medicines. Many therapists today have practices that focus not on disturbed patients but on people with life issues such as divorce, separation, family concerns, relationship conflicts, work, stress and life transitions. The goal of counseling and psychotherapy is to heal some of the pain experienced in childhood and adulthood, and support us to build selfesteem and self-confidence. It is meant to provide one place in the world where we don’t have to meet anyone else’s agenda or suppress any aspects of who we are. Some of the varieties of counseling or psychotherapy (such as Transpersonal Psychology, Family Therapy, Primal Therapy, Hypnotherapy, Jungian Analysis, Gestalt, Transactional Analysis and Psychosynthesis) focus on understanding how our childhood experience influences our current attitudes and actions and on how we can transform and change. Other models of counseling and psychotherapy (e.g. Cognitive or Behavioral Therapy), focus on changing behaviors without much emphasis on exploring the past and the early roots of our infancy.
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On Personal Coaching Today I recognize that my energy is better suited to being a personal coach rather than a counselor. Therefore my practice specializes in communication and lifestyle coaching. What I like about coaching is that it is action oriented, with a focus on the client’s current life and plans for the future. Coaching is about assisting the client in clarifying his/her present values and beliefs, intentions, needs, abilities, strategies, goals and purposes. The clients are in charge of their destinations and they are asked to find solutions from within themselves: this can be an empowering experience. Though personal coaching may use the past as a point of reference to move into tomorrow, it is not counselling or psychotherapy.
How to Choose a Counselor, a Psychotherapist or a Personal Coach As a consumer of professional services you are the one in charge. I train people to communicate from their heart and vocalize their needs and wants. Therefore I believe that you are the one and only who owns the right to ask probing questions about any professional’s service, training or intervention. You have the right to investigate and ask questions about the background of the therapist and the years of experience he/ she has. Invest time and money in seeing two or three therapists or personal coaches at the beginning of your process. It is worth it! Choose a professional who possesses at least a degree in psychology or a Master’s degree in counseling or clinical social work. Personal coaches do not meet the professional criteria for psychotherapists or counselors, but it is relevant that they feel empathetic and responsible, that they inspire trust and they come highly recommended. Try different approaches and see what suits your needs best; chemistry matters here!
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When sharing with friends or relatives, you need to remember: “What is helpful to another may not be right for me.” As always, let’s make use of our own evaluation and discernment when choosing our therapist and coach. As always, intuition should be relied on. If, after few sessions with a therapist, you do not feel comfortable, communicate it to yourself and then to the therapist. He/she might refer you to other professionals and help you to find a new direction in your journey.
Useful Links The following list of resources in the area of self-education and selfawareness is by no means exhaustive. For more information, search the Internet or ask for referrals from your hospital, physician, church, synagogue, temple, mosque, healthcare practitioners, or friends.
Self-Education • Communication: www.InsideOutYou.com • Well-Being & Emotional Health: www.GetIntoYourGroove.com • Peak Performance: www.AnthonyRobbins.com • Body Awareness and Movement: www.5Rhythms.com www.RioAbierto.org www.Biodanza.co.za www.ismeta.org www.admt.org.uk www.BodyMindMovement.com www.MovingVentures.com
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• Relationships: www.NewCouple.com www.HarvilleHendrix.org www.MyHealthyRelationships.com • Family Systemic Solutions: www.Hellinger.com www.Ulsamer.com • Motivation and Success: www.JackCanfield.com • Men Abuse and Recovery: www.LundyBancroft.com • Nutrition: www.PatrickHolford.com www.AyurvedicNutrition.com • Body Language: www.PeaseInternational.com • Primal Therapy: www.PrimalTherapy.com.au www.PrimalTherapy.com • Self-Awareness and Self-Growth: www.CreativeGrowth.com www.HoffmanInstitute.org www.JohnBradshaw.com www.TransformedSelf.com.au
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• Wealth Seminaries: www.RichDad.com www.BobProctor.com • Somato Respiratory Integration: www.WiseWorldSeminars.com • Network Spinal Analysis: www.DonaldEpstein.com www.AssociationForNetworkcare.com
Music Music can be regarded as a useful tool for our well-being. Any kind of music and rhythm can be used as long as it gets you moving, shifting your emotional state, or even expressing your voice. Here are some music links to get you dancing, feeling, singing or simply focusing and relaxing your mind: www.Changing-World.com www.GabrielleRoth.com www.GetiMusic.com www.ChristianMusic.com/genres/gospel.htm
Art Therapy Art Therapy is a form of psychotherapy that uses art media as its primary mode of communication. In psychotherapy all communication, both verbal and non-verbal, is two-way, between the therapist and the client. In art therapy communication includes a third dimension, the artwork. Art Therapists, along with Drama and Music Therapists need to register with the Health Professions Council.
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www.Baat.org www.Anzata.org www.Art-Therapy.us www.Atiss.co.uk
Useful Associations This is a selection of associations specialized on the topics of Abuse, Mistreatment, and Neglect; Eating Disorders and Codependency. Searching on the Internet, you will find many more in addition to the ones listed below.
Abuse, Mistreatment, and Neglect The following links offer information and support concerning emotional, physical and sexual abuse, mistreatment and neglect. Inclusion on this list does not necessarily indicate a recommendation or endorsement. What is helpful to another survivor may not be right for you. As always, make use of your own judgment when contacting any of these organizations. The National Society for the Protection and Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) www.NSPCC.com The National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) www.NAPCAN.org.au Project NoSpank A resource for parents, students, educators, education policymakers, health care providers, children’s advocates, and all others who are concerned with the safety and well-being of children. www.NoSpank.com 252
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Alice Miller A website on child abuse and neglect. www.Alice-Miller.com Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punishment of Children It aims to speed the end of corporal punishment of children across the world. www.EndCorporalPunishment.org Male Survivor Committed to preventing, healing, and eliminating all forms of sexual victimization of boys and men through support, treatment, research, education, advocacy, and activism. www.MaleSurvivor.org National Exchange Club Foundation The National Exchange Club Foundation is committed to making a difference in the lives of children, families and our communities through its national project: the prevention of child abuse. www.PreventChildAbuse.com
Eating Disorders The following links offer information and support concerning eating disorders such as bulimia, anorexia and compulsive eating behaviors. Inclusion on this list does not necessarily indicate a recommendation or endorsement. As always, make use of your own judgment when contacting any of these organizations. Eating Disorders Shared Awareness (EDSA) An informative website on eating disorders. www.mirror-mirror.org
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Beat Bulimia Website with articles and suggested readings on Eating Disorders. www.beatbulimia.com HealthyPlace.com Online Eating Disorders Community. www.HealthyPlace.com
Codependency The following links offer information and support to men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. Inclusion on this list does not necessarily indicate a recommendation or endorsement. As always, make use of your own judgment when contacting any of these organizations. CoDA Australia CoDependents Anonymous (CoDA) is a worldwide network of groups made up of men and women with a common interest in working through the problems that codependency has caused in their lives. www.CoDependentsAnonymous.org.au Codependents Anonymous Worldwide The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. Living the program allows each of us to become increasingly honest with ourselves about our personal histories and our own codependent behaviors. We rely upon the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions for knowledge and wisdom. www.CoDependents.org
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CoDA NewYork City Isolating is a major codependent characteristic, we urge you to venture out into the community of Codependents Anonymous and share your recovery in a safe, supportive environment. www.CodaNyc.org
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Part IV: Resource Guide B Organizations and Foundations
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The Power of Giving
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A Selection of Organizations and Foundations
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• Singapore
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• Around the World
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The Power of Giving Everyone has the power to give and to contribute to creating a great future for our communities. In my opinion, it is a personal responsibility. There are many wonderful organizations and extraordinary people throughout the world that need our help. There is always something we can give, whether it be our time, energy, skills, ideas or money. The amount isn’t relevant. What’s important it’s the act itself. This resource guide aims to be a selection of non-profit organizations and foundations worldwide that support education in the field of emotional health, youth leadership, motivation and selfawareness as well as in the education of specific topics discussed in this book such as abuse, parenting and relationships.
A Selection of Organizations and Foundations There are so many excellent organizations and foundations involved in building awareness in the field of emotional health that it would be impossible to list them all here. Searching on the Internet you will find many more in addition to the ones here, that are simply a selection we have made.
Singapore www.ChildrenSociety.org.sg — Singapore About the Organization The Singapore Children’s Society was established in 1952 and helps protect and nurture children and youth of all races and religions, especially those who are abused, neglected, and/or from dysfunctional families. Each year about 12,000 children, youth and families in need are supported. They operate island wide to broaden their reach via the six service categories of: Caregiving, Preventive, Developmental, Remedial, Community and Public Education. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Singapore Children’s Society is an independent and non-profit organization that relies entirely on the goodwill and support of the public.
www.Family.org.sg — Singapore About the Organization Focus on the Family was founded in 1977 by psychologist, author and family counselor, Dr. James Dobson. Focus on the Family Singapore was launched into full-fledged operations in April 2002 as a local charity dedicated to the strengthening of Singapore families. Focus on the Family Singapore believes there is no substitute for a strong family. It is here that husbands and wives, siblings, parents and children, and young and old, learn to grow together and care for one another. A loving and secure family can make all the difference in helping individuals withstand the tremendous pressure of the 21st century. Focus on the Family aims to enrich families with wellresearched family life education, so that marriages are protected, parents are empowered and young people are nurtured for life. Through events, programs and resources, Focus on the Family come alongside families to support and encourage them. It provides front-line counseling for individuals facing family challenges and it works closely with the family court and social agencies to support and strengthen at-risk families.
www.Aware.org.sg — Singapore About the Organization Since 1984 the Association has grown into an organization that plays a vital social role in Singapore and one that is recognized from grassroots up to Government levels, as well as being a sounding board for the media on a wide range of issues. Aware promotes a society that provides optimal opportunities for women, and men, to realize their highest potential. Aware’s 258
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activities are primarily practical, looking towards taking positive steps to redressing an imbalance between the sexes, and thus creating a healthier society as a whole. To this end, the Association focuses on three main areas of activity: Direct Services — including the helpline, face-to-face counseling, befrienders and legal clinics — services aimed at reaching out to women in need; Research and Publications — work designed to investigate issues relating to women, families and gender, and to identify solutions to address the issues; Public Education — programs seeking to raise consciousness of gender issues and to empower women.
www.UnifemSingapore.org.sg — Singapore About the Trust Fund The National Committee for Unifem Singapore is a non-profit group working towards Women’s Empowerment and Gender Equality. Programs in Singapore and in Southeast Asia are designed to assist women in the region by providing access to education, health, economic independence and a life free of violence and abuse. The Unifem Trust Fund supports actions to eliminate violence against women. The Trust supports projects in areas including: HIV/ AIDS, female infanticide, trafficking, forced prostitution, domestic violence, sexual abuse and rape.
Around the World www.Homes4Hope.net — Switzerland About the Foundation Homes for Hope (H4H) offers an alternative and synergetic humanitarian model of intervention when compared to the traditional and international models of humanitarian co-operation. Its aim is STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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providing the necessary funds to build and provide houses to those in great need all over the world. H4H is characterized by the fact that 100% of what is donated by contributors or collected, thanks to the various initiatives of fund raising, is effectively given to final beneficiaries. There are no administrative fees or charges. In this way the donation is completely used to sponsor the construction of the houses which will become homes for street children. H4H will offer all contributors a direct contact with H4H Friends through their website. Anyone can contact them directly to offer a financial contribution to support the children’s daily needs. You can support Homes 4Hope in a country of your choice. H4H has fully sponsored the publication and launch of this book.
www.TruthTrustConsent.com — United Kingdom About the Foundation The James Nayler Foundation was started in June 1997 as a nonprofit company. Applying for charity status was a lengthy process, finally completed in April 1999. The James Nayler Foundation was born out of the publicity surrounding Dr. Bob Johnson’s work with those suffering the most extreme forms of personality disorders; the violently dangerous men in a special unit in Parkhurst Prison. His work with this group of people was widely reported in the papers and on television, and gave hope that understanding and treatment was possible. Dr. Bob Johnson acts as Consultant to the James Nayler Foundation, a non-profit organization created to support further research, education, training and treatment for all types of personality disorders, especially those involving violence to others or to oneself. He is currently working to set up an Emotion Support Centre on the Isle of Wight, which can assist and generally cure those with severe panic
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attacks or other manifestations of personality or emotional disorders. The James Nayler Foundation published Dr. Bob Johnson’s first book, Emotional Health, in 2002. He is writing a new book on how emotional education works in practice. He is also preparing a database of some 1500 hours of treatment, showing how multiple personality disorders, anorexia, self-harm, bipolar disease, and other psychoses can be cured with this approach. Dr. Bob Johnson has kindly written the foreword for Stella’s Mum Gets Her Groove Back.
www.JordanRiver.jo — Jordan www.QueenRania.jo About the Foundation The Jordan River Foundation (JRF), established in 1995 and Chaired by Her Majesty Queen Rania Al-Abdullah, is a non-profit Jordanian non-governmental organization (NGO). The Jordan River Foundation takes care of the cause of child abuse through its Child Safety Programme, which provides intervention, prevention and training as core activities geared towards addressing issues of sexual, physical and emotional abuse and neglect. These activities are targeted to various segments of society based upon the immediate and long-term needs of the children, families and stakeholders within the Jordanian social and cultural context. Physical and emotional cases of child abuse constitute 50% of the cases. The majority of which are either a misconception of discipline, lack of parental capacity, or stressful family conditions. Cases of sexual abuse constitute 45% of the cases. Neglect constitutes the remainder 5% of cases. The program is designed to provide comprehensive and integrated services for victims of child abuse and their families. The objectives are to enhance positive child-rearing practices to protect children and to identify, confront and eliminate various forms of abuse through awareness, prevention and rehabilitation programs. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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The Jordan River Foundation remains aware of the special circumstances facing some of their youngest citizens. Jordanians are determined to protect their most vulnerable youngsters from any kind of harm — physical, emotional, or sexual. The Jordan River Foundation’s Child Safety Program, the first of its kind in the Middle East, broke outmoded taboos with the establishment of a facility to tackle child abuse and to teach positive parenting skills to families.
www.NSPCC.org.uk — United Kingdom About the Organization The London Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children was founded in 1884. It changed its name to the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) in 1889. Its aim then was to protect children from cruelty, support vulnerable families, campaign for changes to the law and raise awareness about abuse. Today, the NSPCC’s work may seem very different, but its purpose remains the same: to end cruelty to children. The NSPCC is a national organization which operates services in England, Wales, Northern Ireland and the Channel Islands, and does work overseas. There are 177 community-based projects and they also run the Child Protection Helpline and Child Line in the UK and the Channel Islands. Most of the work is with children, young people and their families. The intent is to achieve cultural, social and political change – influencing legislation, policy, practice, public attitudes and behaviors and delivering services for the benefit of young people.
www.PauloCoelho.com — Brazil About the Institution The Paulo Coelho Institute is a non-profit-making institution financed exclusively by the author’s royalties. The main idea is not to be a charity, but to give opportunities to the underprivileged and ostracized members of Brazilian society.
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At present, the Paulo Coelho Institute provides financial support to certain underprivileged elderly people, and is co-sponsor of the Creche Escola Meninos da Luz project, Lar Paulo de Tarso (in the Pavão-Pavãozinho favela, Rio de Janeiro), which looks after 430 children.
www.NoSpank.net — USA About the Organization The Organization Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education takes the position that children should no longer be excluded from the legal protections against assault and battery that apply to adults. Moreover, the defense of children should be more vigorous because they are more vulnerable; because the consequences of their early mistreatment are difficult to reverse; because damaged children tend to grow into damaged adults who are likely to avenge themselves in one way or another. If they will not harm others, then they will likely harm themselves, and they may passively support the mistreatment of children perpetrated by others. Current research in the field of child development overwhelmingly confirms the theory that the earlier and the worse the mistreatment of children, the worse the outcome. Jordan Riak, Executive Director of Parents and Teachers Against Violence, is 67 and resides in Alamo, California. He believes that responsible management of children, whether by parents at home or teachers at school, is like any other complex and demanding task: acting on impulse or out of habit isn’t good enough. One must become informed. One must think critically about what one is doing. And central to critical thinking is one’s readiness to step outside the easy protection of old rationalizations and time-honored traditions, and to honestly examine the consequences to others of one’s behaviors. Violence in all human interaction, especially in the exercise of control by the powerful over the powerless, is the worst of all bad habits.
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www.NAPCAN.org.au — Australia About the Association The National Association for Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (NAPCAN) seeks to resource and network child welfare professionals and practitioners working to prevent child abuse and neglect from happening before it starts, through the provision of tools, resources, support networks and information. NAPCAN was founded in 1987 to establish lines of communication between government departments and agencies, professionals and community groups working in child protection. This national community network was used as a channel to share educational material and to filter key issues onto a national agenda: to promote a national focus on the prevention of abuse and neglect of children; to establish community advocacy for the prevention of child abuse and neglect, and to provide information about nurturing and protective parenting.
www.ParentsInc.org.nz — New Zealand About the Organization Parents Inc. is a not-for-profit community organization. “We don’t treat people as victims needing therapy, we give them the skills they need to take leadership over their own lives.” — Ian Grant Founder, Parents Inc. It has been recently estimated by a US psychologist that a child from a healthy functioning family contributes $1 million dollars over their life-time to the economy, whereas a child from a dysfunctional family takes out as much as $3 million. Over 35 years in youth work convinced me that, as a society, we need to deal with the fence at the top of the cliff, rather than just ambulances at the bottom. No country can afford to pay for expensive ambulances, when a good fence could last for generations. I am absolutely convinced what our nation needs
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most is for every child to grow up in a family where parents have the skills to give their children the building blocks of a meaningful life.
www.ImagoRelationships.com — USA About the Organization Imago Relationships International is a non-profit organization whose mission is to transform the world one relationship at a time and create a new model for marriage. Relationship problems are the root cause of many social problems. A generation of children are at great risk of poverty, alienation, and antisocial behavior due to the breakdown of the family structure. Research has shown that children who grow-up in stable, nurturing environments achieve more, and live more fulfilling lives. By helping families build stronger relationships, it is possible to directly address the root-cause of many social problems. Imago is creating partnerships with agencies which serve low-income families, so that they can train counselors to teach dialogue skills to these families, and help them to build stronger relationships.
www.HoffmanInstitute.org — USA About Hoffman Institute Programs and Scholarships Emotional learning that occurred early in our lives largely shapes our adult experiences. The Hoffman Quadrinity Process (HQP) programs are designed for individuals willing to release their negative conditioning and access their untapped resources of power, wisdom and creativity. The General Fund The Hoffman Institute brings compassion, joy and vitality to the lives of diverse people around the world. Your contribution to the General Fund helps the Institute direct attention to where it’s needed most.
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The Scholarship Fund The Hoffman Institute awards a consistent amount of money in partial scholarships each year, enabling those with limited financial resources to take the Process. The Leadership Path at Harvard In collaboration with Harvard University’s Center for Public Leadership, the Hoffman Quadrinity Process (HQP) is brought to an international community of Harvard degree students. Your support gives dedicated public and government leaders access to leadership skills that originate from within. Programs for At-Risk Youth At-risk youth face overwhelming obstacles, which keep them from living their dreams. Through a collaboration with New York-based Youth at Risk, the Hoffman Institute is adapting the Process for work with high-risk youth. Your support gives these remarkable young people a greater chance to succeed.
www.Buscaglia.com/felice.asp — USA About the Foundation Many years ago, while traveling in Hong Kong, Leo Buscaglia met a Chinese refugee who, with his family, lived in extreme poverty. The young refugee’s name was Wong. In order to find work, Wong needed to learn English. Dr. Buscaglia paid Wong’s tuition to an Englishlanguage school. Years later, Wong wrote to Dr. Buscaglia. By then he was sufficiently employed to get his family out of the refugee camp. He was also prepared to pay back what he saw as his “debt.” Instead, Dr. Buscaglia encouraged him to find another determined person such as himself and to give the money, with love, from Wong and Leo, with the hope that in this way it might touch many lives. In 1984, Dr. Buscaglia founded the Felice Foundation. Felice 266
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is an Italian word for peace and joy and, incidentally, Dr. Buscaglia’s first name. He established the Foundation to give special aid and attention to those who have dedicated themselves to the betterment of humankind through the dynamics of helping one another. As in his experience with Wong, the Foundation is structured around the dynamics of sharing and giving, and influencing others to do the same, the roles of helper and helped constantly interchanging. “Only when we give joyfully, without hesitation or thought of gain, can we truly know what love means.” — Leo Buscaglia The specific purpose of the foundation is to encourage a focus on the welfare of others and the community. It recognizes and rewards the giver, the sharer and the nurturer. It is hoped that this will encourage love, interdependence, commitment, giving back and giving forward.
www.OprahWinfreyLeadershipAcademy.org — South Africa About the Foundation and the Academy The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation operates the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls — South Africa. Students The Academy’s purpose is to offer academically talented girls an opportunity to develop their full intellectual, social, and leadership potential. To be eligible to attend, girls must be South African, academically talented, able to demonstrate leadership qualities, and come from a disadvantaged family or community. Curriculum The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy will allow girls to explore the changing world through advanced education techniques and technology. South African teachers and administrators have been selected from the best and the brightest. The curriculum is based on
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South Africa’s national standards, which includes math, languages, arts and culture, social science, life orientation, and natural science. The Academy’s curriculum expands to include a theme of leadership and leadership development across all courses and activities. “The school will teach girls to be the best human beings they can ever be; it will train them to become decision-makers and leaders; it will be a model school for the rest of the world.” — Oprah Winfrey
www.AgassiFoundation.com.org — USA About the Foundation The Andre Agassi Charitable Foundation operates the Agassi Prep Academy. The goal of Agassi Prep is to offer academic programs that enhance a child’s character, respect, motivation and self-discipline while imparting the skills and knowledge children need to prepare for college. This academy opened in 2001 with 150 students in third, fourth and fifth grades, and has expanded annually. Currently, Agassi Prep is a K-11 campus. The third and final phase of campus development was completed in 2007. The quality of this education is truly changing students’ lives. In a neighborhood once challenged by lowered academic expectations, children are now realizing the dream of college potential. Retiring from tennis meant that Agassi would be able to devote even more of his time to The Andre Agassi Charitable Foundation, which he founded in 1994. Agassi has often said that professional tennis provided him with a stepping stone from which to touch the lives of children in a positive way. The Foundation allows him to do just that.
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www.GatesFoundation.org — USA About the Foundation Bill and Melinda Gates believe every life has equal value. In 2000, they created the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation to help reduce inequities in the United States and around the world. Headquartered in Seattle, Washington, the foundation is led by cochairs Bill Gates, Melinda Gates, and William H. Gates Sr., and by CEO Patty Stonesifer. There are two simple values that lie at the core of the foundation’s work: All lives — no matter where they are being lived — have equal value. To whom much is given, much is expected.
www.AnthonyRobbinsFoundation.org — USA About the Foundation The Anthony Robbins Foundation (ARF) is a non-profit organization created to empower individuals and organizations to make a significant difference in the quality of life for people who are often forgotten — youth, the homeless and hungry, prisoners, the elderly and the disabled. Over the past 15 years the ARF has supported several outreach programs wholeheartedly that are designed to create positive change in the lives of people who simply need a boost envisioning a happier and deeply satisfying way of life. There are countless ways the ARF can benefit from your generosity. Donate your time, expertise and wisdom. Give resources and money. Or simply share your ideas and thoughts — this alone is the first step to help those in need discover their own power within. The ARF’s program growth launched the discovery Camp Summit held outside the USA for the first time in August 2006 at The Royal Holloway University of London supporting over 100 teens from 12 countries. Other initiatives have been promoted since 1991: The STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Youth Mentoring Program is continuing its expansion with service reaching over 150 teens at eight academic locations throughout the United States; the Basket Brigade reaching over 2 million in 74 countries and delivering food, clothing and hope to those who need most; the Personal Power for Prisoner program specially designed for incarcerated adults and youths. The ARF Foundation is also passionate about participating in the coordination of reconstruction activities throughout the world, and evaluates funding requests on an ongoing basis to victims of tragedy reaching New Orleans, Pakistan, South Africa, India and China through various “Global Community Connections� financial commitments.
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REFERENCES
• •
Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child, page 1. Stella Talpo, I Can. © 2004
Introduction • Bob Johnson, Emotional Health, page 269. Chapter 1 • Neale Donald Walsch, Conversation with God, page 191. • Gerald Corey, Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy, page 71. • Susan Forward, Toxic Parents, page 152. • Jean Paul Sartre, Nausea, quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 81. • Dr. Carl Jung, Psychological Reflections, quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 53. • Stella Talpo, Bitch. © 2005 • Wayne Muller, Legacy of the Heart, page 8. Chapter 2 • Marvin Allen, quoted in Manhood by Steve Biddulph, page 207. • Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, page 26. • Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders, pages 18-19. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 48. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 47. • M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 140. • Leo F. Buscaglia, Living, Loving & Learning, page 211. • Henry T. Blackaby and Richard Blackaby, Experiencing God Day-by-Day, page 320. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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• •
• •
• • •
The Holy Bible, Ephesians 4:26. Dr. David Stoop and Dr. James Masteller, Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families, page 189. Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, page 39. Anonymous Internet Posting, quoted in: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, page 99. Alice Hoffman, The Ice Queen, page 165. Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen, The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderlines and Addictive Disorders, page 64. Mary Pipher, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls, page 103.
Chapter 3 • Elisabetta Franzoso, Childish Dream. © 2003 • Ian Grant, Fathers Who Dare Win, page 15. • Chérie-Carter Scott, If Life is a Game, These are the Rules, page 61. • Ralph Waldo Emerson, quoted in: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, by Stephen R. Covey, page 318. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 80. • Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 142. • Steve Biddulph, Manhood, page 124. • Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 224. • Laura Davis, The Courage to Heal Workbook, page 17. • Victoria Secunda, Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life, page 376. • Twelve-Step Program, quoted in: My Father, My Self by Masa Aiba Goetz, page 224.
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Chapter 4 • Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, page 8. • Dr. Paul Vereshack, Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad, Chapter 19, quoted in: www.paulvereshack.com. • Dr. Paul Vereshack, Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad, Chapter 4, quoted in: www.paulvereshack.com. • Alice Miller, The Body Never Lies, page 20. • Elizabeth Noble, Primal Connections, page 89. • Dr. Graham Farrant, quoted in: The Jamillon Centre Newsletter. Melbourne, Australia, Winter 2000. • H. Lawrence King, ‘What Is Primal Psychotherapy’, an article written in 1993 and quoted in: www.primals.org (the Website of the International Primal Association, IPA). A copy of this article can be found in: www.primal-page.com. • Elisabetta Franzoso, “No”. © 2003 • Mark Pendergrast, Victims of Memory, page 267. • Pastor Ben Brown, Sunday Sermon at International Baptist Church (IBC), Singapore, 23rd October, 2005. • Susanna Tamaro, Follow Your Heart, page 19. Chapter 5 • Stephen Wolinsky, The Tao of Chaos, page 189. • Dr. Paul Vereshack, Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad, Chapter 20, quoted in: www.paulvereshack.com. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 74. • Elan Golomb, Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, pages 190-191. • Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, page 83. • Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee, The New Couple, pages 229-230. • D. W. Winnicott, quoted in: ‘Living Behind A Mask’, an article by Mark Epstein from: O, The Oprah Magazine, November 2000. • Mark Epstein, ‘Living Behind the Mask’, an article from: O, The Oprah Magazine, November 2000. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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• • • • •
Gabrielle Roth, Maps to Ecstasy, page 63. Melodie Beatty, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, page 155. Paul Ekman, Emotions Revealed, page 121. John Bradshaw, Creating Love, page 6. M. Scott Peck, Golf and the Spirit, page 230.
Chapter 6 • Charles L. Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, page 145. • Charles L. Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, page 154. • Robin Norwood, Women Who Love Too Much, page 66. • Tim Laurence, You Can Change Your Life, page 207. • Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced, page 87. • Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced, page 88. • Melodie Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, page 142. • Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, pages 46-47. • Harville Hendrix, Getting The Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, pages 29-30. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 15. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 77. • Leo F. Buscaglia, Living, Loving & Learning, page 11. Chapter 7 • Mountain Dreamer, Oriah. The Dance, page 173. • Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, page 46. • Debbie Ford, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, page 119. • Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, page 24. • David Eckman, Becoming Who God Intended, page 36. • M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 14. • Tim Laurence, You Can Change Your Life, page 205. • Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, page 20. • Piero Ferrucci, What We May Be, page 72. • Piero Ferrucci, What We May Be, page 73. 274
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• • • •
Adolfo Quezada, Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities, page 17. Anonymous Internet Posting, A Butterfly’s Lesson, 2003. Robert A. Johnson, Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche, pages 34-35. Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, page 316.
Chapter 8 • John Kalench, The Greatest Opportunity in the History of the World, page 96. • Samuel Taylor Coleridge, quoted in: Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Every Day Life by Wayne W. Dyer, page XII. • The Holy Bible, John 20:29. • Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power, page 30. • Anthony Robbins, Unlimited Power, page 29. Chapter 9 • John Indermark, Parables and Passion: Jesus’ Stories for the Days of the Lent, page 27. • Pastor Ben Brown, Sunday Sermon at the International Baptist Church (IBC), Singapore, 2007. Chapter 10 • Aldous Huxley, quoted in: www.brainquote.com. • Cheri Huber, Be The Person You Want To Find: Relationship and Self-Discovery, page 22. • M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, pages 185-186. • M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 187. • Shakti Gawain, Creating True Prosperity, pages 91-92. • Charles L. Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, page 155. • Dr. Carl Jung quoted in: Maps to Ecstasy by Gabrielle Roth, page 170. • Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life, page 191. • Charles L. Whitfield, Boundaries and Relationships, pages 156-157. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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• • •
Dr. Luis Pantoja Jr., Wisdom for the Whys: Journeys from Futility to Fulfillment, page 87. Byron Katie, Loving What Is, page 12. Stella Talpo, Drama Queen. © 2005
Chapter 11 • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 47. • M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled, page 117. • The Holy Bible, Mark 12:31. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 46. • Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, page 46. • Paine Wingate, Flowing Acceptance. A poem from Tilling The Soul, 1984. • M. Scott Peck, Golf and the Spirit, page 232. Epilogue • Dr. Luis Pantoja Jr., Sunday Sermon at the International Baptist Church (IBC), Singapore, 2005. • Eleanor Roosevelt. A quote recorded during a training workshop. Inside Back cover • C.P. Cavafy. Che fece .… il gran rifiuto. A poem from The Complete Works of C.P. Cavafy. Translated by Rae Dalven.
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PERMISSIONS
The author and publisher would like to thank the following copyright holders for permission to reproduce the text from their work: Adam, Kenneth A. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Florida, Health Communications, Inc., 1991. Reprinted by kind permission of The Permissions Company, Rights Agency for HCI Books. www.permissionscompany.com Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Hazelden Foundation, 1986. Reprinted by kind permission of Hazelden Foundation, Center City, MN. Biddulph, Steve. Manhood: An Action Plan for Changing Men’s Lives. Finch Publishing, 1995. Reprinted by kind permission of Finch Publishing. www.finch.com.au. Bradshaw, John. Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of Growth. Bantam Books, 1992. Reprinted by kind permission of Random House, Inc. Buscaglia, L. Living, Loving & Learning. Thorofare, NJ: SLACK Incorporated; 1982. Reprinted with kind permission of SLACK Incorporated. Byron, Katie. Loving What Is. Three Rivers Press, 2002. Copyright © 2002 by Byron Kathleen Mitchell. Reprinted by kind permission of Katie Byron. www.thework.com Carter-Scott, Chérie. If Life is a Game, These are the Rules. Broadway/ Random House, 1998. Reprinted by kind permission of Larsen-Pomada Literary Agents. www.larsenpomada.com Corey, Gerard. Theory and Practice of Counselling and Psychotherapy. Thomson Learning Global Production and Manufacturing, 2001. Reprinted by kind permission of Learning Global Production and Manufacturing. Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Fireside Press, 1990. Reprinted by kind permission of FranklinCovey Co. Eckman, David. Becoming Who God Intended, Harvest House Publishers, 2005. Reprinted by kind permission of David Eckman.
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Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. New York, Berkley Publishing Group/Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1998. Reprinted by kind permission of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Ferrucci, Piero. What We May Be. New York, Tarcher/Putnam, 1982. Reprinted by kind permission of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. www.penguinputnam.com Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents. Bantam Books, 1990. Reprinted by kind permission of Susan Forward. Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. Thorsons/HarperCollins, 1995. Reprinted by kind permission of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd. © Erich Fromm 1957. Gawain, Shakti. Creating True Prosperity. Copyright 1997. Reprinted by kind permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com Grant, Ian. Fathers Who Dare Win. Pa’s Publishing, 1999. Reprinted by kind permission of Ian Grant. www.parentsinc.org.nz. Hoffman, Alice. The Ice Queen. Chatto & Windus. Reprinted by kind permission of The Random House Group Ltd. Huber, Cheri. Be the Person You Want to Find. Keep It Simple Books 1997. Reprinted by kind permission of Keep It Simple Book and Cheri Huber. Indermark, John. Parables and Passion: Jesus’ Stories for the Days of Lent. Copyright 2006 by John Indermark. Used by permission of Upper Room Books ®. www.upperroom.org/bookstore, 1-800-972-0433. Johnson, Bob. Emotional Health. James Nayler Foundation, 2002. Reprinted by kind permission of Dr. Bob Johnson. King, Larry. What is Primal Psychotherapy. An article posted on the www. primal-page.com. According to Larry Schumer, a Board member of the International Primal Association, the article can be freely quoted without explicit permission from the copyright holder, Larry King, who originally posted the same article on the IPA site: www.primals.org. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Reproduced by kind permission of Hodder and Stoughton Limited and by Tim Laurence. Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child. Das Drama des begabten Kindes und die Suche nach dem wahren Selbst. Eine Um-und Fortschreibung. Neufassung. 1996 © Suhrkamp Verlag Frankfurt am Main 1996. 278
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Miller, Alice. The Body Never Lies. Translated by Andrew Jenkins. © 2005 by Alice Miller. Used by kind permission of W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., NY. Mountain Dreamer, Oriah. The Dance. New York, Thorsons, 2002. Reprinted with kind permission of Oriah Mountain Dreamer. www.oriah.org Muller, Wayne. Legacy of the Heart. Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1993. Reprinted by kind permission of Bread for the Journey International. www.breadforthejourney.com. Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. New York, Pocket Books/ Simon & Schuster, © 1985 by Robin Norwood. Used by kind permission of Jeremy P. Tarcher, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Pantoja, Luis Jr. Wisdom for the Whys: Journeys from Futility to Fulfillment. PETRA, 2005. Reprinted by kind permission of Dr. Luis Pantoja. Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Travelled. London, Arrow, 1990. Copyright M.Scott Peck, 1978. Reprinted by kind permission of Blake Friedmann Ltd. www.blakefriedmann.co.uk. Pendergrast, Mark. Victims of Memory: Sex Abuse Accusations and Shattered Lives. Upper Access Books, 1998. Reprinted by kind permission of Upper Access, Inc. Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York, Ballantine Books, 1995. Reprinted by kind permission of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Quezada, Adolfo. Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities. Copyright 1999. Reprinted with permission of Catholic Book Publishing, Corp. 77 West End Road, Totowa, NJ 07512, www.catholicbookpublishing.com. Robbins, Anthony. Unlimited Power. London, Simon & Schuster Ltd, 1988. Reprinted by kind permission of Simon & Schuster Adult Publishing Group from Unlimited Power by Anthony Robbins. Copyright © 1986 by Robbins Reasearch Institute. Roth, Gabrielle. Maps to Ecstasy. Copyright 1998. Reprinted by kind permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com. Santoro, Joseph and Cohen Ronald Jay. The Angry Heart. Reprinted by kind permission of New Harbinger Publications, Inc. www.newharbinger.com.
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Tamaro, Susanna. Follow Your Heart. London, Minerva/Mandarin Paperbacks, 1996. Reprinted by kind permission of Vicki Salow – Italy. Taylor, Maurice and McGee, Seana. The New Couple. New York, HarperCollins, 2000. Reprinted by kind permission of Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. www.NewCouple.com. Vereshack, Paul. Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad. Toronto, Ontario, 1991. Reprinted by kind permission of Paul Vereshack – Canada. www.paulvereshack.com Walsch, Neale Donald. Conversation With God. Rydalmere, NSW, Australia, Hodder & Stoughton, 1997. Reprinted by kind permission of The Conversations with God Foundation. Warren, Rick. The Purpose Driven Life. Campus Crusade Asia Limited – Mass Media, 2006. Reprinted by kind permission of Campus Crusade Asia Limited – Singapore. Whitefield, Charles L. Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self. Health Communications, Inc., 1993. Reprinted by kind permission of The Permissions Company, Rights Agency for HCI Books. www.permissionscompany.com Wingate, Paine. Flowing Acceptance. A Poem from Tilling the Soul by Wingate Paine. Reprinted by kind permission of Aurora Press. www.AuroraPress.com, PO 573 Santa Fe, NM 87504 USA. Wolinsky, Stephen. The Tao of Chaos. Bramble Books, 1994. Reprinted by kind permission of Bramble Books.
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Acknowledgments
In the following pages I share how I healed my deepest wounds. Many people have contributed to the completion of the manuscript and supported my vision for this book to be a work that can touch other lives. During my ten-year journey of personal and spiritual transformation I have met and been around so many wonderful teachers, trainers, mentors, friends and acquaintances, and I want to acknowledge them all. When they arrived in my life, they brought with them exactly what I needed to learn. I want to express my true love to them all for their contributions and support. In addition, I would like to offer my special gratitude to the authors of several books who inspired and influenced my work. I am indebted to them for what I have learnt about courage, commitment, endurance, discipline, tolerance, motivation, forgiveness, love, faith and hope. My particular thank-you goes to: – Marilyn Shearer, Dr. John Spensley, Gill Spensley Nikakis and Isobel Lamont, wonderful counselors and therapists, for their love, care and continuous support. – Dr. Bob Johnson, for believing in this book project and providing his time to write a beautiful and insightful foreword. – Daniele Bevilacqua, a friend and executive coach from Italy, for strongly encouraging me to continue with this project. – Ron Kaufman, a wonderful international trainer and public speaker, role model, mentor and a man of courage, wit and great heart.
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– Lisa Wenger, Daniela Uslenghi Wenger, Michael Wenger and Loreene Visser, for being inspiring role models. – Dr. Luis Pantoja Jr., true role model of faith in action, for being a great spiritual mentor. – Dr. Ben Brown, Senior Pastor at the International Baptist Church (IBC) of Singapore, for being a terrific example of integrity, discipline and commitment. – Danialle An and Jayant Shukla, for encouraging me to never let go and live by faith. – Alison Jean Lester, for her prompt and professional editorial suggestions during the final push towards publication. – Paula Huggins, a true friend, for her time and dynamic support during the last few weeks before the book production. I want to acknowledge Paula’s strong commitment to her personal growth and transformation from the inside out. – Flavio Besso, graphic designer and friend from Italy, for his creativity and generosity in providing his work for the art design of the book cover. – Deborah Torres Patel, for inspiring me with her feminine strength courage and generous heart. – Karen and Barron Witherspoon, Judy Leow, Steve Kay, Sandra Faillace, Patrizia Franco, Miriam Bobat, Giuseppina Pravato, Luella Henderson, Richard Marrett, Nik S. Adis, Adell and Claude Verly, Rosa Vazquez, Rafe Ring, Evelyn Tan, Michael Podolinsky, Lori Figuereido, Ruth Chua, Wai Jia, Johnson Lee, the team of Pagesetters Services, Leila Rossi, Claire Holdstock, David Blair, Kavita Balakrishnan, Matthew Lim, Tara Kimberly, Vicky James Notaras, Lucedy Russi, Mauricio Gonzalez, Kehinde and Raphael Funwa Iluyomade, Diana 282
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and Bill Watson, Di Bustamante, Alicia McKenzie, JP Miswari, Azlida Tan, Tara Kimberly and Phil Date for all their encouragement, feedback, work, enthusiasm, editorial suggestions, love and prayers. – Gabrielle Roth and Debbie Ford, for inspiring my work as a coach and trainer. – Terry J. Pittman, a special and dear friend from Canada, for always believing and motivating me in spite of the odds. – Samantha Romolini, for her work, continuous support and love. – Dr. YC Lim and Dr. Harold Robers, for awakening my passion to start my new career in psychology and counseling. – Dr. Low Sze Sen, for providing my first opportunity to work as a Counselor at the Sefton Medical Centre in 2001. Serena Chow and Lena Liew, for coordinating my work as a Counselor during the years I worked at the centre. – Luis Chong, for his superb yoga teachings through which I found further balance in my mind, heart and body. – Thubten Chodron, who I met at the Amithaba Buddhist Centre in Singapore in 1995. Her teachings have been a powerful tool to develop daily self-discipline and self-control. – Vaidyar Mani M.Nadesan Veerappan, for helping me, with his great knowledge of Ayurveda Medicine, to finally heal the residual physical damages of bulimia, my eating disorder. – Phillippa Langrell and Lynelle Kerr, for introducing me to Network Spinal Analysis (NSA) by Donald Esptein. – Ketty and Sukiman, the wonderful Muslim couple from Jakarta who helped me in raising my one-year-old daughter. They did a wonderful job and I will always thank God for putting them on my path. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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– All those who, intentionally or unintentionally, have deeply touched my existence in ways which in the past I judged as negative. Through my journey of transformation, I have learned to let go of my judgments and merely focus on the gifts that their presence has brought to my life. – All the people who in the last few years have encouraged me to read a wonderful book, The Holy Bible, which despite being born and brought up as a Christian Catholic in Italy, I had never been motivated to read. Through the Sacred Scriptures, I have learnt and I am still learning a lot about the true meaning of endurance, forgiveness and love. A final special thank-you goes to: – My mum, Luciana, and my father, Luigi, who, above all, gave me the gift of life. Through their own struggles and example, their light and shadow, they both somehow inspired me to develop and blossom as the more enduring, forgiving and loving mother, wife, and woman I have now become. Today I am fully aware they were the best they could be and did the best they could do as parents and human beings. – And to all who will be, one way or another, my audience. Thank you for listening!
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BIBLIOGRAPHY
This is only a sample of books. Many other excellent books have been omitted. At the bookstore or library, look over the whole selection for each topic herewith mentioned and choose according to your judgments. ABUSE, NEGLECT AND MISTREATMENT Adams, Kenneth M. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Florida, Health Communications, Inc., 1991. Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York, Berkley Books, 2003. Bass, Ellen and Davis, Laura. The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse. New York, HarperCollins, 1994. Borysenko, Joan. Guilt Is The Teacher, Love Is The Lesson. New York, Warner Books, Inc., 1990. Bradshaw, John. Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of Growth. New York, Bantam Books, 1994. Bradshaw, John. Healing The Shame That Binds You. Florida, Health Communications, 1988. Capacchione, Lucia. Recovery of Your Inner Child. New York, Fireside/ Simon & Schuster, 1991. Covitz, Joel. Emotional Child Abuse: The Family Curse. Boston, Sigo Press, 1986. Davis, Laura. The Courage to Heal Workbook. New York, HarperCollins, 1990. Davis, Laura. Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child. New York, HarperCollins, 1991. Eckman, David. Becoming Who God Intended. Oregon, Harvest House Publishers, 2005. Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents. New York, Bantam Books. 1990. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail. New York, HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1997. Janov, Arthur. Primal Healing. Franklin Lakes, NJ, Career Press, 2007. Johnson, Bob. Emotional Health: What Emotions Are & How They Cause Social & Mental Diseases. York, UK, James Nayler Foundation, 2002. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Miller, Alice. For Your Own Good. New York, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002. Miller, Alice. The Body Never Lies. New York, Norton, 2006. Miller, Alice. The Drama of the Gifted Child. New York, HarperCollins, 1997. Miller, Alice. The Truth Will Set You Free. New York, Basic Books, 2001. Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. New York, Pocket Books/ Simon & Schuster, 1986. Roth, Kimberlee and Friedman, Freda B. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and SelfEsteem. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 2003. Santoro, Joseph and Cohen, Ronald. The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1997. Shengold, Leonard. Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation. USA, Ballantine Books, 1989. Stoop, David and Masteller, James. Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Michigan, Vine Books Servant Publications, 1991. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Florida, Health Communications, Inc., 1993.
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EATING DISORDERS Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. Utah, Real People Press, 1985. Boskind-White, Marlene and White, William C. Bulimia / Anorexia: The Binge / Purge Cycle and Self-Starvation. New York. W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., 2001. Capacchione, Lucia. Recovery of Your Inner Child. New York, Fireside/ Simon & Schuster, 1991. Fontana, David. Know Who You Are, Be What Your Want: A Psychology of Personal Change. London, HarperCollins Publishers, 1992. Hollis, Judy. Fat and Furious. Women and Food Obsession. New York, Ballantine Books, 1995 Johnson, Bob. Emotional Health: What Emotions Are & How They Cause Social & Mental Diseases. York, UK, James Nayler Foundation, 2002. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. McGraw, Jay. The Ultimate Weight Solution for Teens. New York, Free Press, 2003. Santoro, Joseph and Cohen, Ronald. The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1997. Emotional Health and Well-Being Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. New York, Three Rivers Press, 2001. Borysenko, Joan. Guilt Is The Teacher, Love Is The Lesson. New York, Warner Books, Inc., 1990. Bradshaw, John. Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of Growth. New York, Bantam Books, 1994. Bradshaw, John. Healing The Shame That Binds You. Florida, Health Communications, 1988.
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Buscaglia, Leo F. Living, Loving and Learning. New York, Fawcett/Random House, Inc., 1982. Capacchione, Lucia. Recovery of Your Inner Child. New York, Fireside/ Simon & Schuster, 1991. Chopra, Deepak. Perfect Health: The Complete Mind and Body Guide. Great Britain and Australia, Bantam Books, 1990. Eckman, David. Becoming Who God Intended. Oregon, Harvest House Publishers, 2005. Ekman, Paul. Emotions Revealed. New York, Owl Books, 2007. Epstein, Donald. Healing Myths, Healing Magic: Breaking the Spell of Old Illusions. California, Amber Allen Publishing, 2000. Flanigan, Beverly. Forgiving the Unforgivable. NJ, Whiley, 1994. Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail. New York, HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1997. Janov, Arthur. Primal Healing. Franklin Lakes, NJ, Career Press, 2007. Johnson, Bob. Emotional Health: What Emotions Are & How They Cause Social & Mental Diseases. York, UK, James Nayler Foundation, 2002. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Lerner, Harriet G. The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Pattern of Intimate Relationships. London, HarperCollins, 1996. Meyer, Joyce. Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone. New York, Time Warner Book Group, 2005. Noble, Elizabeth. Primal Connections: How our Experiences From Conception to Birth Influence our Emotions, Behavior and Health. New York, Fireside/ Simon & Schuster, 1993. Rath, Tom and Clifton, Donald. How Full Is Your Bucket? New York, Gallup Press, 2004. Roth, Gabrielle. Maps to Ecstasy. Novato, CA, Nataraj Publishing/ New World Library, 1989. 288
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Reichler Gayle. Active Wellness. USA, Time Life Inc., 1998. Roth, Kimberlee and Friedman, Freda B. Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and SelfEsteem. Oakland, CA. New Harbinger Publications Inc., 2003. Rubin, Theodore I. The Angry Book. New York, Touchstone, Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1998. Santoro, Joseph and Cohen, Ronald. The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders. Oakland, CA, New Harbinger Publications, Inc., 1997. Shapiro, Debbie. Your Body Speaks Your Mind. London, Judy Piatkus Publisher Ltd, 1996. Solomon, M. Robert with Ko Soo Meng and Lim Yun Chin. The Hurting Heart: Overcoming Emotional Distress. Singapore, Armour Publishing, 1995. Stone, Hal and Stone, Sidra, L. Embracing Ourselves: The Voice Monologue Dialogue. Novato, CA, Nataraj Publishing, 1989. Stoop, David and Masteller, James. Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Michigan, Vine Books Servant Publications, 1991. Travis, Carol. Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion. USA, Revised Touchstone Edition, 1989. Vereshack, Paul. Help Me. I’m Tired of Feeling Bad. Ontario, Life Perspectives, 1991. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Florida, Health Communications, Inc., 1993. Weil, Andrew. 8 Weeks to Optimum Health. London, Warner Books, 1998.
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PARENTING, RELATIONSHIPS & COMMUNICATION Adams, Kenneth M. Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Florida, Health Communications Inc., 1991. Baiocchi, Paolo and Toneguzzi Danilo. La Comunicazione Affettiva e il Contatto Umano. Trieste, Istituto Gestalt Trieste, Italy. (Italian Edition). Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. New York, Berkley Books, 2003. Bassoff, Evelyn. Cherishing Our Daughters. New York, Dutton/Penguin Putnam Inc., 1998. Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. Minnesota, Hazelden Foundation, 1992. Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency. Minnesota, Hazelden Foundation, 1989. Biddulph, Steve. Manhood: An Action Plan For Changing Men’s Lives. Sydney, Finch Publishing, 1995. Bly, Robert. A Little Book on the Human Shadow. New York, HarperCollins, 1988. Borysenko, Joan. Guilt Is The Teacher, Love Is The Lesson. New York, Warner Books, Inc., 1990. Bradshaw, John. Creating Love: The Next Great Stage of Growth. New York, Bantam Books, 1994. Bradshaw, John. Healing The Shame That Binds You. Florida, Health Communications, 1988. Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup’s Guide To Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, New Harbinger Publications, 2001. Buscaglia, Leo F. Living, Loving and Learning. New York, Fawcett/Random House, Inc., 1982. Chapman, Gary. Now You’re Speaking My Language. Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage. Tennessee, BH Publishing Group, 2007.
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Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life. Michigan, Zondervan Publishing House, 1992. Covey, R. Stephen. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. New York, Simon & Schuster, 1997. Cross, Roger. Life Coach™ Your Teens. Five Principles To Help Your Kids Thrive. Downers Grove, IL, InterVarsity Press, 2006. Firman, Julie and Firman, Dorothy. Daughters and Mothers: Making It Work. FL, Health Communications, Inc., 2003. Ford, Debbie. Spiritual Divorce. New York, HarperCollins, 2001. Forward, Susan. Toxic Parents. New York, Bantam Books, 1990. Forward, Susan. Emotional Blackmail. New York, HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 1997. Goetz, Masa Aiba. My Father, My Self: Understanding Dad’s Influence On Your Life. Boston, Element Books, 1998. Grant, Ian. Fathers Who Dare Win. Rozelle, NSW, Australia, Pa’s Publishing, 1999. Gray, John. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships. NY, HarperCollins, 1993. Gurian, Michael. The Wonder of Boys. New York, Tarcher/Putnam, 1997. Hamilton, Maggie. What Men Don’t Want To Talk About. Camberwell, Victoria, Australia, Viking, 2006. Hendrix, Harville and Hunt, Helen. Giving The Love That Heals: A Guide for Parents. New York, Harper Pocket Books, 1997. Hoffman, Bob. No One Is To Blame. Palo Alto, CA, Science and Behavior Books, Inc., 1979. Huber, Cheri. Be The Person You Want To Find: Relationship and SelfDiscovery. Murphys, CA, Keep It Simple Books, 1997.
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Johnson, Robert A. He: Understanding Masculine Psychology. New York, Harper & Row, 1989. Johnson, Robert A. She: Understanding Feminine Psychology. New York, Harper & Row, 1989. Johnson, Robert A. We: Understanding The Psychology Of Romantic Love. New York, HarperCollins, 1983. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Merskey Leder, Jane. Brothers & Sisters. How They Shape Our Lives. New York, Ballantine Books, 1994. Meyer, Joyce. Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone. New York, Time Warner Book Group, 2005. Miller, Alice. For Your Own Good. New York, Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2002. Miller, Alice. The Body Never Lies. New York, Norton, 2006. Miller, Alice. The Drama Of The Gifted Child. New York, Harper Collins, 1997. Miller, Alice. The Truth Will Set You Free. New York, Basic Books, 2001. Mindell, Arnold. The Leader As Martial Artist: Techniques and Strategies for Resolving Conflict and Creating Community. Portland, Lao Tse Press, 1992. Mullen Keenan, Barbara. When You Marry a Man with Children: How to Put Your Marriage First and Stay in Love. New York, Pocket Books, 1992. Norwood, Robin. Women Who Love Too Much. New York, Pocket Books/ Simon & Schuster, 1986. Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. London, Arrow, 1990. Pipher, Mary. Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York, Ballantine Books, 1995. Ponton, Lynn E. The Romance of Risk: Why Teenagers Do The Things They Do. New York, Basic Books, 1997. 292
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Rath, Tom and Clifton, Donald. How Full Is Your Bucket? New York, Gallup Press, 2004. Richardson, Brenda Lane and Rehr, Elaine. 101 Ways to Help Your Daughter Love Her Body. New York, HarperCollins, 2001. Salvo, Anna. Madri e Figli: Legami e Coflitti Tra Due Generazioni. Milano, Arnoldo Mondadori Editore, 2003. (Italian Edition). Schnarch, David. Passionate Marriage. New York, Owl Books/Henry Holt and Company Inc., 1998 Secunda, Victoria. When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life. New York, Delta/Dell Publishing, 1991. Secunda, Victoria. Women and Their Fathers: The Sexual and Romantic Impact of the First Man in Your Life. New York, Delta/Dell Publishing, 1993. Secunda, Victoria. Losing Your Parents, Finding Your Self. New York, Hyperion, 2000. Sheehy, Gail. Understanding Men’s Passages. USA, Ballantine Books Edition, 1999. Stark, Vikki. My Sister, My Self. NY, McGraw-Hill, 2006. Stoop, David and Masteller, James. Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Michigan, Vine Books Servant Publications, 1991. Taylor, Maurice and McGee, Seana. The New Couple. New York, HarperCollins, 2000. Ulsamer, Bertold. Senza Radici Non Si Vola. Italy, Crisalide, 2000. (Italian Edition). Sin Raices No Hay Alas. Luciernaga, 2005. (Spanish Edition). Original Title: Ohne Wurzeln Keine Flugel. Munchen, Wilhelm Goldman Verlag, 1999. Whitfield, Charles L. Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. Florida, Health Communications, Inc., 1993.
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Wright, H. Norman. Communication: Key To Your Marriage: A Practical Guide to Creating a Happy, Fulfilling Relationship. CA, Regal Books, 2002. Yeo, Anthony. Partners in Life. Singapore, Armour Publishing, 2002. SELF-ESTEEM Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. Utah, Real People Press, 1985. Byron, Katie. Loving What Is. New York, Three Rivers Press, 2002. Cloud, Henry and Townsend, John. Boundaries. When to Say Yes. When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life. Michigan, Zondervan Publishing House, 1992. Eckman, David. Becoming Who God Intended. Oregon, Harvest House Publishers, 2005. Fontana, David. Know Who You Are, Be What Your Want: A Psychology of Personal Change. London, HarperCollins Publishers, 1992. Ford, Debbie. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. New York, Berkley Publishing Group/Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1998. Goetz, Masa Aiba. My Father, My Self: Understanding Dad’s Influence On Your Life. Boston, Element Books, 1998. Hay, Louise L. Empowering Women. Every Woman’s Guide to Successful Living. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 1997. Johnson, Robert A. Owning Your Own Shadow: Understanding the Dark Side of the Psyche. New York, HarperCollins, 1993. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Malka, Masha. The One Minute Coach: Change Your Life One Minute At A Time. Marbella, Spain, Inborn Genius Corp., 2007. Meyer, Joyce. Approval Addiction: Overcoming the Need to Please Everyone. New York, Time Warner Book Group, 2005. Rath, Tom and Clifton, Donald. How Full Is Your Bucket? New York, Gallup Press, 2004. 294
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Stefanino, Olivia. Be Your Own Guru. West Sussex, UK, Capstone Publishing Ltd., 2007. Stone, Hal and Stone, Sidra, L. Embracing Ourselves: The Voice Monologue Dialogue. Novato, CA, Nataraj Publishing, 1989. Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love. New York, HarperCollins, 1993. SUCCESS AND MOTIVATION Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. Utah, Real People Press, 1985. Buscaglia, Leo F. Living, Loving and Learning. New York, Fawcett/ Random House, Inc., 1982. Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret. New York, Atria Books, 2006. Canfield, Jack. The Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be. New York, HarperCollins, 2005. Cairnes, Margot. Staying Sane in a Changing World: A Handbook for Work, Leadership and Life in the 21st Century. NSW, Australia, Simon & Schuster, 2003. Chopra, Deepak. Unconditional Life: Discovering to Fulfill Your Dreams. USA, Bantam Books, 1991. Covey, R. Stephen. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York, Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1989. Cross, Roger. Life Coach™ Your Teens. Five Principles To Help Your Kids Thrive. Downers Grove, IL, InterVarsity Press, 2006. Dyer, Wayne W. Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Every Day Life. Sydney, HarperCollins, 1992. Eldredge, John. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. Tennessee, Thomas Nelson, Inc., 2001. Fontana, David. Know Who You Are, Be What You Want: A Psychology of Personal Change. London, HarperCollins Publishers, 1992. Hay, Louise L. Empowering Women. Every Woman’s Guide to Successful Living. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 1997. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Hill, Napoleon. Think and Grow Rich. Published by www.StuartZadel.com, 2007. Originally Published by Ralston Society, 1937. Johnson, Spencer. One Minute For Yourself. USA, William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1985. Johnson, Spencer. Who Moved My Cheese? London, Vermillion/Edbury Press, 1999. Kaufman, Ron. Up Your Service! Singapore, Ron Kaufman Pte Ltd., 2000. Kiyosaki, Robert with Lechter Sharon L. Rich Dad Poor Dad. Arizona, Tech Press, Inc., 1997. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Malka, Masha. The One Minute Coach: Change Your Life One Minute At A Time. Marbella, Spain, Inborn Genius Corp., 2007. Matthews, Andrew. Follow Your Heart: Finding Purpose in Your life and Work. Queensland, Australia, Seashells Publishers, 1997. Rath, Tom and Clifton, Donald. How Full Is Your Bucket? New York, Gallup Press, 2004. Robbins, Anthony. Unlimited Power. London, Simon & Schuster Ltd, 1988. Robbins, Anthony. Notes From A Friend: A Quick and Simple Guide to Taking Charge of Your Life. New York, Fireside, 1995. Sheehy, Gail. Understanding Men’s Passages. USA, Ballantine Books Edition, 1999. Stefanino, Olivia. Be Your Own Guru. West Sussex, UK, Capstone Publishing Ltd., 2007. Wattles, Wallace D. The Science of Getting Rich. Scottsdale, USA, LifeSuccess Productions, 2007. Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love. New York, HarperCollins, 1993.
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SPIRITUAL GROWTH Blackaby, Henry T. and Blackaby, Richard. Experiencing God Day-by-Day. Nashville, Tennessee, Broadman & Holman Publishers, 1997. Buscaglia, Leo F. Living, Loving and Learning. New York, Fawcett/ Random House, Inc., 1982. Byron, Katie. Loving What Is. New York, Three Rivers Press, 2002. De Mello, Anthony. Awareness: The Perils of Opportunities and Reality. New York, Image Books by Special Arrangement with Doubleday, 1992. Dyer, Wayne W. Real Magic: Creating Miracles in Every Day Life. Sydney, HarperCollins, 1992. Eckman, David. Becoming Who God Intended. Oregon, Harvest House Publishers, 2005. Ferrucci, Piero. What We May Be: Techniques For Psychological And Spiritual Growth Through Psychosynthesis. New York, Tarcher/Putnam, 1982. Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet. London, Heinemann, 1972. The Holy Bible, New International Version. Nashville, Tennessee, Broadman and Holman Publishers, 1986. Huber, Cheri. Be The Person You Want To Find: Relationship and SelfDiscovery. Murphys, CA, Keep It Simple Books, 1997. Lama, Dalai. How to Practice the Way to a Meaningful Life. London, Rider Books, 2002. Lama, Thubten Yeshe. Make Your Mind An Ocean: Aspects of Buddhist Psychology. Singapore, Amitabha Buddhist Centre, 2000. Lama, Zopa Rinpoche. Practicing The Good Heart. Singapore, Amitabha Buddhist Centre, 1999. Laurence, Tim. You Can Change Your Life. London, Hodder and Stoughton, 2003. Milot, Jean-Rene. Muslims and Christians: Enemies or Brothers? New York, Fathers and Brothers of the Society of St. Paul, 1997.
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Mountain Dreamer, Oriah. The Dance. New York, Thorsons, 2002. Pantoja, Luis Jr. Wisdom for the Whys: Journeys from Futility to Fulfillment. Pasig City, Philippine Evangelical Theological Research Association (PETRA), 2005. Peck, M. Scott. Golf and the Spirit: Lessons for the Journey. USA, Pocket Books, 1999. Peck, M. Scott. The Road Less Travelled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth. London, Arrow, 1990. Poitier, Sidney. The Measure of a Man: A Spiritual Autobiography. Harper San Francisco, 2007. Quezada, Adolfo. Heart Peace: Embracing Life’s Adversities. Totowa, NJ, Catholic Book Publishing, Corp., 1999. Ruiz, Don Miguel. The Four Agreements. San Rafael, CA, Amber Allen Publishing, 1997. Tolle, Eckhart. The Power of Now. USA, New World Library, 1999. Walsch, Neale Donald. Conversations with God. NSW, Australia, Hodder & Stoughton, 1997. Warren, Rick. The Purpose Driven Life. Singapore, Campus Crusade Asia Limited – Mass Media, 2006. Wilber, Ken. The Spectrum of Consciousness. Wheaton, IL, Quest Books, 1993. Williamson, Marianne. A Return to Love. New York, HarperCollins, 1993.
OTHER VALUABLE READINGS AND AUTHORS Assaggioli, Roberto. Psychosynthesis. New York, Penguin, 1976. Blanchard, Ken and Hodges, Phil. Lead Like Jesus. Nashville Tennessee, Thoman Nelson, Inc., 2005. Bly, Robert. Iron John: A Book About Men. USA, Vintage Books, 1992. Campbell, Joseph and Moyer, Bill. The Power of Myth. New York, Doubleday, 1984. 298
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Carter-Scott, ChĂŠrie. If Life is a Game, These are the Rules. New York, Broadway/Random House, 1998. Castaneda, Carlos. Teaching of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge. Berkley, University of California Press, 1968. Cavafy, C.P. The Complete Poems of C.P. Cavafy. Translated by Rae Dalven. Coelho, Paulo. Eleven Minutes. London, HarperCollins Publishers, 2003. Coelho, Paulo. Manuale del Guerriero della Luce. Milano, RCS Libri, 1996. (Italian Edition). Original Title: Manual do Guerriero da Luz. Published by Arrangements with San Jordi Asiciados, Barcelona, 1997. Coelho, Paulo. Sulla sponda del fiume Piedra mi sono seduta e ho pianto. Milano, RCS Libri, 1997. (Italian Edition). Original Title: No margem do rio Piedra eu sentei e chorei. Brazil, 1994. Coelho, Paulo. Like The Flowing River: Thoughts and Reflections. London, HarperCollins Publishers, 2006. Cole, Harriette. Choosing Truth: Living an Authentic Life. New York, Simon & Schuster, 2003. Covey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. Belmont, Wadsworth/Thomas Learning, 2001. Dyer, Wayne W. Everyday Wisdom. CA, Hay House, Inc., 2005. Frey, James. A Million Pieces. London, John Murray Publishers, 2004. Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving. London, Thorsons/HarperCollins, 1995. Gawain, Shakti. Creating True Prosperity. Novato, Nataraj Publishing/New World Library, 1997. Gawain, Shakti. Creative Visualization. New York, Bantam Books, 1982. Glass, Cathy. Damaged. London, Harper Element, 2006. Golomb, Elan. Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self. New York, William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1992.
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Gould Lynette with Stephen Richards. Heart Of Darkness: How I Triumphed Over A Childhood Of Abuse. London, John Blake Publishing, 2007. Gruder, David. The New IQ: Your Integrity Intelligence: Aligning Personal Authenticity, Heart Connections, and Social Change. Fulton, CA, Energy Psychology Press, 2008. Harris, Thomas A. I’m Ok – You’re OK. Italian Edition: Io sono Ok, Tu sei OK. Italy, BUR Manuali, 2006. Hellinger, Bert. The Art and Practice of Family Constellations. Heidelberg, Germany, Carl Auer International, 2003. Hess, Hermann. Siddharta. Milano, Adelphi Edizioni, 1973. (Italian Edition). Original Title: Siddharta, Frankfurt Suhrkamp Verlag, 1969. Hoffman, Alice. The Ice Queen. London, Vintage/Random House, 2006. Indermark, John. Parables and Passion: Jesus’ Stories for the Days of the Lent. Nashville, Tennessee, Upper Room Books, 2006. Jenson, Jean C. Reclaiming Your Life. USA, Meridien, 1996. Jung, Carl Gustav. The Practice of Psychotherapy. London, Rutheldge & Kegan Paul, 1966. Kalench, John. The Greatest Opportunity in the History of the World. California, MIM Publications, June 1994. King, H. Lawrence. ‘What Is Primal Psychotherapy’, an article written in 1993 and quoted in www.primals.org (the Web site of the International Primal Association, IPA). A copy of this article can be found also in: www.primal-page.com. Kopp, Sheldon B. If You Meet the Buddha On the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients. New York, Bantam, 1976. Lazaris, Working With Your Shadow: An Imperative on the Spiritual Path. Orlando, NPN Publishing, 1995. Leonard, Linda. The Wonded Woman. Healing the Father-Daughter Relationship. MA, Shambala, 1983.
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Lowen, Alexander. Bioenergetics: The Revolutionary Therapy that uses the Language of the Body to heal the Problems of the Mind. USA, Penguin/ Arkana, 1994. Malkani, Vikas. The Yoga of Wealth. Singapore, Times Editions/Marshall Cavendish, 2004. Malkani, Vikas. The Little Manual of Happiness. Singapore, SoulWords Publishing, 2007. McGraw, Phillip C. Self Matters: Creating Your Life from the Inside Out. New York, Simon & Schuster, Inc., 2001. Mountain Dreamer, Oriah. The Invitation. New York, Thorsons, 2003. Muller, Wayne. Legacy Of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantage of a Painful Childhood. New York, Fireside/Simon & Schuster, 1993. Naranjo, Claudio. Transformation Through Insight: Enneatypes in Life, Literature and Clinical Practice. USA, Hohm Press, 1997. Norwood, Robin. Guarire coi Perche’. Milano, Feltrinelli Editore, 1997. (Italian Edition). Original Title: Why Me, Why This, Why Now? UK, Arrow Books Ltd., 1995. Palmer, Harry. Living Deliberately. Florida, Star’s Edge International, 1994. Pease, Alan and Pease, Barbara. Why Men Don’t’ Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps: How We’re Different and What to Do About It. New York, Broadway Books, 2001. Pelzer, David. A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness. New York, Dutton/ Penguin Putnam, Inc., 1999. Pendergrast, Mark. Victims of Memory. Vermont, Upper Access Books, 1998. Rumi, Jelaluddin. The Rumi Collection. MA, Shambala Classics, 2000. Tamaro, Susanna. Follow Your Heart. London, Minerva/Mandarin Paperbacks, 1996. Tsu, Lao. Tao Te Ching. Israel, Astrolog Publishing House, 2002. Ulsamer, Bertold. The Healing Power of the Past. Nevada City, CA, Underwood Books, 2005. STELLA’S MUM GETS HER GROOVE BACK
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Walls, Jeanette. The Glass Castle: A Memoir. New York, Scribner, 2005. Wingate, Paine. Tilling The Soul. Santa Fe, USA, Aurora Press, 1984. Winnicott, Donald W. The Child, the Family and the Outside World. New York, Da Capo, 1992. Withmore, Diana. Psychosynthesis Counselling in Action. London, Sage Publications Ltd, 2000. Wolinsky, Stephen. The Tao of Chaos. New York, Bramble Books, 1994.
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About Dr. Bob Johnson
Dr. Bob Johnson foreworded this book. He is a fully qualified Consultant Psychiatrist as registered by the General Medical Council, UK. He trained at Cambridge University, the London Hospital, and at the renowned Claybury Hospital, Essex. In 1964-65 he was a Senior Psychiatrist in Middletown State Hospital New York, USA, working in the Drug Addiction Unit and the acute wards, and underwent further training at the prestigious ColumboPresbyterian Psychiatrist Institute New York State, leading to the diploma in Psychotherapy, Neurology and Psychiatry. He has developed a high profile as an expert in the management and treatment of Personality Disorders. His work as a consultant psychiatrist in the Special Unit in Parkhurst Prison, Isle of Wight, UK, from 1991 to 1996, was widely reported by the press and formed the basis of a documentary investigation by the BBC’s flagship programme Panorama, on the 3rd of March, 1997. His latest project is organising Emotion Support Centres, where recoverers help others recover. Dr. Bob Johnson is a member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the U.K. and the author of: 1) Emotional Health: What Emotions Are & How They Cause Social & Mental Diseases, 2002 2) Unsafe at Any Dose: Exposing Psychiatrist Dogmas So Minds Can Heal, 2006. Dr. Bob Johnson acts as Consultant to the James Nayler Foundation, a nonprofit organization created to support further research, education, training and treatment for all types of personality disorders. www.TruthTrustConsent.com
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Elisabetta Franzoso was born in Italy and has lived in Asia since 1993. She currently resides in Singapore with her husband Leonardo and her daughter Stella. Her journey of transformation began when she was 34. She looked deeply inside herself to understand the hidden unconscious beliefs and behaviors which were disrupting her emotional, intellectual and physical health. Over ten years, the support of several conventional and unconventional therapies along with her commitment to develop and mature spiritually, has led her to deeply change her life as a mother, wife and woman. Thanks to her personal experience of self-healing, Elisabetta is highly driven to motivate and empower people to achieve effectiveness in communication and develop well-being from the inside out. Today, Elisabetta devotes her time to support individuals to live with a deeper understanding of themselves and the role of awareness and education in their lives.
Talks, Workshops, Retreats, Consulting & Training Elisabetta is a workshop leader, corporate trainer, personal coach and speaker with a background in psychology, education, motivation, music and body movement awareness methods. She developed and designed Communication in 4Dimensions™, WellBeing in 4Dimensions™, Movimento in 4Dimensions™, and Get Into Your Groove™ from the Inside Out. They are a series of corporate and public workshops, retreats and talks that address communication and self-expression in areas such as Business, Teamwork, Relationships, Leadership, Well-Being and Emotional Health. Her deep belief is that real change comes from the inside and starts with the way we express ourselves physically, intellectually, emotionally and relationally. To be truly effective and healthy in life and at work individuals need to enhance the way they communicate with themselves first and then with the world outside. 304
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Her work as a coach and trainer is about inspiring and assisting individuals in mastering their communication and lifestyle. Elisabetta’s sense of humor accompanied by her indisputable honesty and passion to support others to experience greater joy and cultivate a positive attitude in life and at work, provides an appealing combination that makes her a unique trainer, charismatic coach, inspirational author and speaker who is indeed true to her heart. Elisabetta offers programs to those who work in human resources, leadership and education. In addition, she devotes time and energy to adults and youths at risk as well as speaking to junior and high school assemblies, hospitals and prison services. For additional information on having Elisabetta speak to your audiences, please send us your request via email. For further information about talks, workshops, retreats, consulting and training, visit: www.StellasMum.com www.InsideOutYou.com Or write to: info@StellasMum.com info@InsideOutYou.com
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STELLA’S MUM PAY IT FORWARD PROJECTS What are Stella’s Mum Pay It Forward Projects? Stella’s Mum Pay It Forward Projects are inspired by the principle behind the Buscaglia Foundation (1984) and the Pay It Forward Movement started by The Pay It Forward Foundation (2000). For further details, read: www.Buscaglia.com/felice.asp
www.PayItForwardFoundation.org
Stella’s Mum Pay It Forward Projects have 3 major aims: 1. Building Awareness and Education about Emotional Health 2. Promoting Intervention, Prevention and Training as core activities geared towards globally addressing issues of emotional health, sexual, physical and emotional abuse and neglect. 3. Raising Funds to be donated to non-profit organizations that substantially support and promote Awareness and Education in the field of Emotional Health through outreach Programs designed to: –
Build educational opportunities to allow teenagers and parents of any age with limited financial resources, to attend workshops on emotional health and leadership which enhance character, will power, respect, motivation and self-discipline.
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Provide at-risk youth and adults who are in prison opportunities to develop full emotional, intellectual and social potential. In particular, through programs addressed to individuals who faced abuse and neglect in childhood and who, as a consequence of unresolved past traumas, are facing in the present overwhelming obstacles which keep them from creating positive change and succeeding in life.
Come and join Elisabetta in her journey to spread her message through any or all of the Stella’s Mum Pay It Forward Projects below: • Stella’s Mum The SHOEBOX Project Let’s Pay It Forward! Make A World Of Difference One Book At A Time! • Stella’s Mum MARATHON Project Let’s Pay It Forward! Improving Peoples’ Lives One Km At A Time! • Stella’s Mum MOVIMENTO IN 4DIMENSIONS Project Let’s Pay It Forward! Moving People, Enhancing Lives! • Stella’s Mum GET INTO YOUR GROOVE Project Let’s Pay It Forward! Transform Yourself From The Inside Out! For more information go to : www.StellasMum.com/projects 306
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NOTES
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