11 minute read
Trigger Warning: Mental Health Topic TRUE STORY
WARNING:
TRIGGER MENTAL HEALTH TOPIC
This is not my story, this is the story of my two children: The eldest is Bi-Polar with psychotic outbursts. The youngest has anxiety and depression that can manifest into self-harm. My own story is that I don’t have a Mental Health issue! And I don’t know what to do to be a part of my children’s stories, or whether I even should be... W hat do you do when your beautiful vibrant child becomes so heightened and agitated that you can’t understand what they are saying? You can’t decipher the words that are coming out of their mouth like a machine gun! When your child then suddenly drops so low that they hate so deeply and they are unable to lift their own head up due to the weight of loathing for everything and everyone around them?
What do you do when your child is manic then psychosis sets in? What would you do with the violent, trashing of the room, screaming and lashing out at her family; when the police and the paramedics come and your child has no idea the reasons why – even as she stands amongst the turned over and say “ah ha so they’re the reasons why!” furniture and smashed crockery? But that’s what I need! Reasons behind
What do you do when they look at you Mental Health rearing its ugly head into their with so much confusion? They look at you beautiful lives. I need things to blame for with hatred in their eyes, so much hate! the feelings my children cannot control, the What do you do? What do you do when you feelings I cannot fix. And that there, perhaps, are presented with a Family Violence Order is the actual issue; I have made their Mental to ‘protect’ you from your own child? Health about me, about my story. But their
What do you do when your youngest stories are not mine! child; your baby, just can’t seem to find My eldest daughter ‘Thalia’ is the life of happiness? When you find out that they the party; so much fun and energetic – she is don’t like their life! What do you do when Bi-Polar and has bouts of violent psychosis. you realise that your youngest child starts to My youngest daughter ‘Herahni’ is a little cut themselves in order to release the pain more reserved but the friend everyone they feel? What do wants – she suffers you do when you with depression, and ask them why they she self-harms. Both feel so sad and they girls are popular, witty, can’t tell you, they very intelligent and have no idea the beautiful, and they have reasons why? a pathological need
What do you do to destroy themselves when your child on varying levels. They is covered in scars from self-harming? What do you do
What do you do when your child
There seems to be no real reasons for with housing; they had financial and family their Mental Health issues; not ones that are support. Thalia had the opportunity to study tangible, some actual things I can point to abroad including travelling through Europe.
had a pretty good upbringing; no violence, no alcohol to speak of, when your child moves away to is manic then we are an open family – so no taboo topics. We start their own life without any psychosis sets in? discussed with honesty all worldly subjects, support; when from human rights that child refuses to recreational drugs. to leave their apartment for days on end? Growing up, the children didn’t want for What do you do when they just stop talking much, they lived a comfortable lifestyle. They to humans; when you can’t reach them by both got part-time jobs, saved money, went phone and there is no one else around other out with friends and did the usual teenage than the police to check on them? What things, but for Thalia everything was done do you do when they tell you that you are in overdrive; full throttle. As for Herahni, she overreacting and they won’t take your calls was a little quieter, reflective and selective. for a while; when they tell you to calm down When they both moved away to attend that they are fine… this time. As their mum, university, there was no outward pressure what do I do? – no student loans; they were provided
They both graduated from their respective universities; they had done what they had set out to do – get educated and live independently as grown-ups. All in all, the children were lucky and they had no ‘real’ so-called life issues to deal with.
It seems that more stories of Mental Health problems are like this one; like mine. Parents are coming out and asking what happened? What did we do or not do? Why are our kids so sad? So-manic? So-disconnected from the world? Why?
Loud Vs Silent
Thalia is loud, her mental health illness is loud. Herahni is silent; no noise, no drama, no reaction. Both are scary. Both can cause absolute destruction in a heartbeat. After a recent psychotic episode in which Thalia caused a lot of damage to her physical space and to her family; we all went into overdrive – seeking guidance – any help to ensure that she was okay. What we didn’t do however, was tend to Herahni; the firsthand witness to a very violent outburst.
Herahni was the one on the phone to the police. Herahni was the one running through the city streets in the early morning desperately trying to find her sister while we cleaned up the physical mess. I left her, because in all honesty, she wasn’t making a noise. It’s the loud that creates attention both good and bad. People radiate to Thalia. But the loud and fast-paced and erratic are draining; non-stop, no rest, no filter. It is at times, clearly very obvious to people who are not close to her that it’s not ‘normal’ to be living at that breakneck pace. But when called out on the speed and velocity at which she lives often incurs a wrath that can see
As their mum, what do I do?
you removed from her life, no matter who you are.
Herahni and her mental illnesses are silent, innocuous, sitting behind vacant eyes. Herahni can be gregarious and outgoing, but in the blink of any eye will retreat, slip back into the shadows and become an observer. Herahni will easily slip away unnoticed for weeks at a time, moving through the world almost silently. Friends move in and out unsure as to the reasons why they don’t hear from her. Unreturned calls, ignored social media tags, failed catch-ups, the classic calling cards of depression. Herahni is amazingly warm, giving and fun, but it’s an effort that she can’t maintain and she sees no valid reason why she just isn’t allowed to stay inside her own fragile brilliant mind.
Medication and Meditation
Thalia refuses to be medicated to live in what she sees as a permanently altered state.
Her approach is focused on taking back control, being active and using life itself to self-medicate. The ability to be aware is the issue, if Thalia is not aware that she is getting louder; her speech more rapid; her mood becoming erratic, then how is she supposed to manage it all?
Thalia sees nothing wrong with her moods, or behaviour so therefore considers there is nothing to manage. And she does actually manage everything very well – most of the time. However, I am pretty sure half of her management plan is simply there to appease the rest of us, and really that defeats the purpose of living a safe and authentic life. Thalia is all about the natural life; organic, no chemicals, no meat – at times self-righteous. Her plan is to meditate as self-regulation. Thalia believes that this clean living will in turn clean and clear her moods. She has taken up martial arts to help her regulate her impulses, and she has a journal to note down triggers and situations that set her off. However, there is a big ‘BUT’ in her self-managed plan – she isn’t a peaceloving hippy when she drinks and socialises. Alcohol is abundant as are recreational drugs. And so, the balancing act between social and psycho begins.
The issue is that the one or two mismanaged moments have devastating effects. Friends and family, as well as her career, can take a hit and it’s a long slog to regain her life afterwards, even if she isn’t aware of this.
Herahni regularly delves into her own worries; her fear of everyday nuances that overwhelm and consume her. Suddenly every new thought is a dark space; a battle to be rationalised, but she is not seeking answers. Instead she channels those thoughts of doom and sadness into words, and these words become stories or poems. Herahni is not looking to change her thoughts, instead to observe and reflect. It’s not always healthy and she is the first to admit that. Herhani is medicated and is happy to let professionals like a psychologist be involved in her life. She even has a regular phone session with a therapist to go over her week. Herahni still struggles though, despite all this help. Every day is a new battle to be present in her own life. I am positive that given the chance she would lock herself away from all human contact, write, and watch Netflix every day. The crazy cat lady without the cats. We all laugh about it, but the laughter and joking are our ways of keeping it out there, yet we are all aware of the slippery slope she is on. It’s certainly not all doom and gloom. Herahni, my ‘dark angel’ is a very social person; and can show extremes – with some weeks permanently out or perpetually hungover from a social calendar the Kardashians would struggle to keep up with.
Neuro-typical
Who decides what the norm is? I am yet to come across anyone who is ‘normal’, and at times I feel as if Mental Health is the must-have new hashtag. Everyone has a story or knows someone who has some pretty intense issues.
Does this make us socially numb to the Mental Health concerns that so many people – especially young people – have? The constant barrage of ‘it’s okay, you’re not alone’; of ‘this influencer went through this’ or ‘this blogger knew someone who - fill in the gaps -’... Does all this oversharing desensitise us to the reasons behind it all? The reasons why my own daughters do not seem to see the need to address or attend to their needs? Is social media a creative outlet to remove stigma or a cover-up for non-action and complacencies?
A message from Mum
Mum wants you to be safe, nothing more than that. Just safe. I have struggled to use the word ‘safe’ as it is my biggest fear for you both; that you are not always safe and I cannot protect you. I don’t want to fix you, I just want you to be healthy. When it all rises up, do one small thing to remind yourself that this is not permanent; start to count from one to ten really slowly looking around at where you are, taking note of the sensations in your body; take a shower, wash that sh*t off; drink some water; turn down the lights; lie down and feel your breath; your chest moving; your heart beating; you are here; count again – this time just your breath; your wondrous, amazing breath; you made it and you can keep making it, because you are doing just fine. You are loved and you will never be alone, because I’m always with you; not judging, not wanting you to change, just here with you.
As a mum, I worry constantly; a sad lonely ache in the pit of my stomach. I want to take my daughters and hold them close to my chest so, so tight. I wake at night with an absolute dread and have to talk myself out of calling them to check if they are actually safe. I want them to be safe, to have the help and support from professionals, to be in control of what is happening to them inside their own bodies. But it’s not my problem; I’m just a witness to their problems. I will never turn away from my children, I will be available – always! Over protective? Perhaps! Overreacting and fussing? Probably. Because I am a mum, and they are my children.
@movingom
If you are affected by any of the content in this story please seek professional care or visit your GP.
What do you do when your youngest child starts to cut themselves in order to release the pain they feel?
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