Buh-bye Warrinaco! Hello new ice rink!
What do the Illuminati sell at a bake-sale? Find out inside! see page 2
see page 3
April 1, 2014
Volume XIV Issue 7.4.1
Summit High School 125 Kent Place Blvd, Summit, NJ 07901
Searching for silver: scrounging for dignity. B’more Boyardee raises funds the hard way, one quarter at a time. He’ll never change.
By *Dolphin Noises* Contributing Writer
ee.
On Friday morning at 11 a.m., senior B’more Boyardee filed a lawsuit against his parents. B’more, who had left his home three months before in an argument over whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher, is now attempting to sue his mother and father for not paying for his transportation to an audition on the popular golf television show “Big Break.” Insiders speculated that the catalyst for B’more’s departure from his home had been to pursue a love interest from Morris Catholic High School. Little did B’more know, his love interest had left home not long before to move in with her true boyfriend. “Only golf can break my heart now,” said Boyardee. Crushed by his failed pursuit, B’more decided not to return home to his parents, who stated that they still would accept him. “This is really unlike our darling B’more. His love for golf is eternal, but we did not expect it to be at our expense, and to go this far,” voiced his concerned father. “Last we heard, our little B’eezy was living in a tent he had pitched in the woods behind the 9th hole at Baltusrol. We are really concerned for our boy,” added Mrs. Boyard-
“While he is trying to continue to be independent, he continues to order food on our family’s account. We may have to pull the plug on his Platinum card. He is not ready to live on his own,” she said. Incriminating Instagram photos delineate the prodigal son’s profligate camping, where he has coined a new term, the “B’more.” Unlike the familiar camp concoction of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate, a b’more is fashioned from tinned truffles, Petite Ecolier biscuits, and Nutella. “It’s a life of champagne wishes, and caviar dreams I am steering for,” said Boyardee Jr. But if mums and pops cut him off and his pro-bono lawyer drops him, Boyardee’s only hope may be a winning NCAA bracket. The case was deemed "too ridiculous" by most lawyers as well as potential jury members. B’more and his family have both decided to represent themselves and therefore will meet in front of the coolest jurist on Earth: Judge Judy. Her initial comments? “Do these Boyardees come from a long line of idiots?” Trial begins at 8 p.m. this Friday on Court TV.
This month’s Curve.... Lulzz.......... Smurf.........
2 3
4 5 6
Obomba subverts dastardly plan via public relations coup extraordinaire
Dennis Rodman has visited North Korea 134 times, including 3 times for Kim JongUn’s birthday. The Former NBA star said, “according to my fearless leader, a nuclear war is imminent.” The rest of the statement was was lost in a mumble. Rodman’s voice resurfaced momentarily to declare, “I have talked to President Obomba as KJ1’s capitalist lapdog and spokes-celebrity, and have made it clear that North Koreans have already made plans to bomb the U.S.” In a private conversation between the Kim Jong-Un and Rodman, Rodman told him that one time in practice, Michael Jordan pushed him too hard and never gave him enough credit for championships. Un said he would “take care of it.” Rodman, as self-proclaimed communist diplomat, believes only he can stop the Nuclear War. In fact, sources close to Rodman claim that it is Rodman calling the shots, and Kim Jong-Un is Rodman’s mini-me, or number two. However, Rodman and Un appear in the press to be best friends. Clearly, Rodman and
AP Photo/VICE Media, Jason Mojica
By Frankly Fuoti Staff Reporter
Dealing with E! now! Dennis Rodman,left, will be starring with N. Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un in the new E! series, “Nuclear Boor.”
Un are up to no good. Meanwhile, while on the way to his next Golf game and fundraiser, an incredible flash of back-channel brilliance overtook President Obomba, who has single-handedly solved the problem through good looks. He has utilized his contacts in Hollywood to forestall disaster by brokering talks between Rodman, Un, and E! Network executives. As proof of the efficacy of the lead-from-behind strategy, White House press secretary Jay Carnage has no comment. The E! network also just announced its upcoming season and plans a show about Rodman and Un. The show is called “Nuclear Boor” and
will star both Rodman and Un as themselves. Un claims that if the show does happen, he will not launch missiles towards the U.S. He is hoping to parlay this opportunity into invitations to dine with other favorite big names, such as Danny Treijo, Brett Michaels, Cindy Lauper, Tori Spelling, and Flava-Flav. E! is hoping that “Nuclear Boor” doesn’t bomb. In a recent press release, Un dissed NB as “stupid, childish, and an invasion of privacy.” However, after Un learned that Alec Baldwin will come out of retirement to host, he couldn’t say no. “Nuclear Boor” debuts June 31, at 8:30 on E!
Mystery retiree: Who’s livin’ la vida mullett By Rick James Staff Reporter
Effective March 1, Summit High School lost one of its all -time greats. During his time, this teacher was known for his passion, his originality, his mullet. Like the beard of Zeus, or mustache of Ron Burgundy, this man’s mullet had risen to incredible fame. Due to his love of teaching, alas, he scoffed at those who deemed his hillwilliam coif a top priority. He simply brushed critics aside, and parted their comments with his razor wit. With his retirement how-
....................zzuB .............S+S/fruT ..................enipO
ever, fate has stepped in. It was clear that in his mullet lay destiny, and destiny is not to be ignored. So on April 1, while driving down Route 66 in Arizona, teacher X made a stop at a Harley Davidson motorcycle store. After the purchase of a
Upcoming:
Photo from cafepress.co.uk
Golf son sues parents, loses round one: Judge Judy presides
bike and vintage 1973 Harley Davidson leather jacket, size awesome, his transformation was complete. He’s now lowriding with Hell’s Mullets. Now this is not your typical biker gang. It’s righteous. Acting with a code of ethics straight from Woodstock nation, he and his gang have begun a spiritual journey across the country, spreading a message of peace, love, and mullet pride. He leads a gang of 15 men and three women, each one sporting their own unique mullet. Despite originating in Arizona Continued on page 2...
Anonymous collective smashes Curve presses Curve adviser retires to Cabo, refuses calls Malysian Jet goes unnoticed on Lower Turf
LULZZ
US invades Canada and President Obomba issues stern warning By Ethan Mandelbomber Staff Reporter
However, there is speculation that this maple invasion is a very beneficial move; with recent events, it could make sense. Obomba and Poutine were arguing over the fact that more than 95 percent of Crimeans wanted to join Russia. It was revealed the next day in a Canadian poll that 100% of Canadians want to be added to America, and Obomba reportedly called Poutine that evening, asking for advice. On March 29, it was reported that the President asked Congress to vote on a peaceful invasion of Canada, including armed soldiers, heavy artillery and drone airstrikes. However, the invasion will take place whether Congress passes the motion or not, and Obama also “doesn’t care” what the United Nations thinks of these actions. Obomba addressed several issues in a press release on March 30. “All you folks know it, why do I have to be the one sayin’ it? We’ve always had a rivalry, with everything from bacon to
‘em, they’ll fight us like menfolks, or surrender.” The final issue Obomba addressed was the phrasing “Continental United States. “Next, Alaska could actually be connected to the rest of the Country. Instead of the ‘48 Continental United States, Alaska and Hawaii’ it could be ‘The Continental United States and Hawaii.’ That flows smoother off the tongue,” the President said. “In the end, it comes down to pure numbers. America’s military budget? $276,700,000,000. Canada’s? $7,861,000,000.” “Canada can’t take us. Look, if Poutine can do it, so can I. Hey, maybe next year we can turn some tables and go for Mexico, then Central and South America!” Obomba said in his closing statements. Spokesperson Jay Carnage then flung himself out a ground floor window.
Mullett, Continued from Curve page 1
and journeying west to the Pacific, national interest is quickly rising. Commented senior Bill Noboti on the gang’s emergence, “They are inspiring. They aren’t so much a biker gang as much as they are a biker Justice League of America. Regardless, I think they are awesome and have begun to grow a mullet of my own because of them.” The gang, also known as the Mul-
letos, has become an incredible force on US 1. From drug busts, to putting out forest fires, to being advocates for alternative energy use, the Mulletos have truly become a legendary biker gang. They owe their greatness to their leader. A man whose legendary stature is surpassed only by his mullet, a fashion statement he has embraced to the fullest. That mullet has Summit roots.
Club Corner Illuminati club to foment deliciousness via bake sale
Illustration from garmin.com
President Obomba spoke in his most vigorous vernacular on March 16 about invading Canada, piggy-backing some stern reprimands for Soviet Premiere Vladimir Poutine concerning Crimea during a three-hour press conference. He paused to take a selfie with the press corps, after they promised to report favorably on his action. All complied.
hockey. If Poutine, a reasonable, smart, and sophisticated ruler, not to mention a delicious combination of fried potatoes and gravy, can invade Crimea, we can invade Canada,” Obomba said. When Obomba was asked if he feared starting World War III, he said, “Canada is full of cowardly folks, so they won’t go cryin’ for help. In pure military force, America is number one. Numero uno. Canada is not even in the top ten, according to our intelligence. If they know what’s best for
April Fool’s 2014
All signs point Illuminati... The all-seeing Eye of Providence will be surveilling Summit. Pay close attention and see signs of Illuminati power everywhere. Meetings on Mondays.
“The Enlightened. Follow us” The Illuminati comes to Summit High School as a new secret underground organization. Members of this club are of Summits most elite de la influential. Let’s just say they are the ones with the most money in their school lunch accounts. One of the visable leaders is, Salem Saberhagen, he is mostly notable for his work on the show Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Saberhagen told club members, “I urge you to accept me as your ruler.” Rumor has it they are responsible for many strange and unexplained events happening in Summit. The martyred squirrel that caused the power outage and led to the eventual
Entertainment Editor Carly Buzz Leityear Buzz Editors Merry Robinson Megs ‘n Bacon Shaw Sports Editors Jamie McFearless Nick Nixon Art Director *Dolphin Noises* Circulation Manager Carloz Danger
decision to cancel school was one of their doings. The Illuminatis said to control everything that happens in the school, and everyone. Scantron error? Dropped pencil? It’s all the Illuminati. The club also has precise algorithms developed over hundreds of years are used to determine what years we have homecoming. Their secret messages are delivered to members in code. Symbols include the pyramid and the all seeing eye. Messages are transported via the school’s TVs. There will be a bake sale on April 3rd after school in front of the auditorium; all proceeds go to support the dark arts. The Illuminat meets Mondays in room 666. Snacks will be provided.
Curve’s staff invites all clubs to share news of meetings, events, and festivities. Representatives and advisers can e-mail information to the Curve editors at #destinationunknown #happyaprilfoolsday2014
Summit Senior High School 125 Kent Place Boulevard Summit, NJ 07901 Editors-in-Chief Alex Aquarius Gwen Stefani Managing Editors Tommy inDesignio Stephanie Solemn A1 Editor Stephanie Solemn Globe Editor “I’m Rick James” Meyers Opinion Editor Ellie Goulding
Photo by Stephanie Ollom
2 Curve
Staff Reporters: Clam, Ethan Mandelbomber, Vizual Specialist, Alice N. Wonderland, Mark Steffenhagan, Amateur Swami, Childi$h Bobinno, Anastasia “Romanov” Tselevich, Anika Lewinsky, Lily Loungeware, Diamond Dan Montgomery,
April 1, 2014 Volume XIV, Issue 7.4.1 shsverve@fc.summit.k12.nj.us
Curve is little bit of silliness that sometimes accompanies the April edition of Verve. The Verve staff is not meaning to burn anybody’s biscuit by having a little try at some satire and comedy writing. We hope you enjoy this few Principal: upside-down pages of our regMr. Sears & Roebuck ular monthly paper. Assistant Principals: All characters appearing on Mrs. Stacy Grimaldi’s Pizza Mr. Mischa Apostasy the pages of Curve are fictitious. Any resemblance to real Adviser: Mrs. Anne Goat-herder persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. English Supervisor: Curve is a publication open Mr. “What’s the story” Walsh
to the opinions of its readers. Please submit all letters to shsverve@fc.summit.k12.nj.us. Letters must be signed, and will be subject to editing for space, grammar, and factual accuracy; however, all efforts will be made to preserve the writer’s intent. Libelous and inappropriate writing will not be published. Views expressed in Curve do not necessarily reflect those of Summit Senior High School’s administration, faculty, staff, or other students.
Smurf
Curve 3
Help this man! NASCAR superstar Ricky Bobby does not know what to do with his hands during his interview.
By Mark Steffenhagen and Childi$h Bo Staff Reporters We all remember great moments in sports history. Fans rejoiced when the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004. The world was captivated when in 1980 the US Men’s Olympic Hockey Team beat the Soviet Union. But some of the even more inspirational, unthinkable moments in sports history… You know the ones. Following is a recap of some of the greatest moments in sports, as chosen by Curve correspondents. Michael Jordan became a nationwide hero for all eight-year-olds, and not because he won six rings with the Bulls. Jordan dazzled us all with his game-winning jumpers, incredible moves and superb dunks, but in 1996 he became a true American hero. With time dwindling late in the fourth quarter, and the Toon Squad trailing the Monstars by one point, Bill Murray passed to Jordan at half court. With all odds against him, Jordan leapt. The Monstars jumped on his back and grabbed at his Jersey, but nothing could stop him. Michael extended his arm from half court, and dunked. With this dunk, Jordan defied the laws of physics, and led the Toon squad to an
unthinkable victory. Player, Coach, Mascot, and halftime entertainer, Jackie Moon made a name for himself in sports history. Jackie, Coffee Black, and the rest of the Flint Tropics transcended the sport of basketball when they invented the alley oop, and finished in fourth place. Having the will to do whatever it takes to win is something you can’t teach, but Jackie Moon didn’t need to be taught. He was willing to die for his team. With the franchise on the verge of collapse, Moon got inside the ropes with a ferocious, full-grown bear. In doing this, the Flint Tropics were saved after nearly running out of money to finance the team. Jackie Moon is a true sports hero. After being run over by a sports car on the eleventh fairway, Happy Gilmore saw his lead slowly evaporating to number one golfer Shooter McGavin, who was making a final nine charge in hopes of claiming the gold jacket. Shooter drained a fifteen foot putt to tie Happy on the eighteenth green, forcing Happy to make his putt to win. Just as Gilmore was ready to strike the ball, a TV tower came crashing down on the green between Happy’s ball and the hole. Using his creativity and hockey
Photo from www.ign.com
Greatest moments savored, relished by fans
skills, Gilmore took a slapshot, had his ball intentionally deflect off the tower, down a pipe, and roll into the hole for the win. Happy Gilmore took home the gold jacket in what was easily the most bizarre round of golf ever. The list of top fake moments in sports history goes on and on. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough space to list them all, but we’ll settle for some honorable mentions. Who could forget Average Joe’s Gymnasium’s incredible dodgeball victory over the Globo Gym Purple Cobras on ESPN 8 “The Ocho?” What about Ricky Bobby and John Gerard’s epic footrace to the checkered flag in the Talladega 500 that resulted in their disqualification? Lindsay Lohan becoming the first female to win a NASCAR race driving a 1953 Volkswagon named Herbie? Then of course, there are the classics, such as Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez outrunning Hercules, the Titans deciding to run on fourth down with almost no time remaining. Who could forget the Mighty Ducks winning gold at the Junior Goodwill Games? Sports inspire people. They make us believe in miracles, they show us that the impossible can be achieved.
Extra weekly gym exemption for all grade levels
Oh no they didn’t! Former students, like Donna D’Casio ‘11, may object to policy.
By Lily Loungeware Staff Reporter
T
he Board of Education has decided to allow students to drop one more period of gym class in exchange for a study hall period once a week on any given day. This will be in addition to the set
weekly exemption, allowing students to have two study periods each and every morning and afternoon. However, there is a slight difference between this new exemption and the old one. For this one, only students who’s last names begin with the letter randomly pulled out of a hat by their gym teacher will be allowed to take advantage. A poll of fifty students was taken to assess the responses to this new policy, and all respondents agreed that the extra exemptions were a good idea. Sophomore Reia Toss said, “Another study hall will guarantee that I no longer fail any classes! I simply won’t have any to go to. Perfect.” Last month, it was reported that 41% of Summit High School students are failing one or more classes consistently, which has decreased Summit’s rank in the Top Schools In NJ from 25 to 222. The extra study time is meant to give students a set time to focus only
on Instagram and NCAA brackets. Board of Education member Mr. Samuel Wellington III said, “We’re hoping to give students the bit of extra time needed to get forgotten or incomplete assignments out of the way. We have to bring our standards back to where they used to be, and that starts with our student’s grades.” Because sports and extracurriculars are very important to the high school experience and can help students look more appealing in the college admission process, most students participate in after-school activities. Such activities often take away valuable study time and can cause students to have to stay up outrageously late or wake up brutally early in order to complete schoolwork. The new exemption policy will be put in place to aid students in getting more time to study and finish various assignments. In June, the BoE will determine if the extra exemptions run next year.
Junior HSPA retake scheduled SUMMIT, NJ: During the week of March 5, Juniors took the High School Proficiency Assessment, better known as the HSPA. With an unprecendented “statewide success failure” forcing a retake, this year’s HSPAs will forever live in infamy. On March 29, it was announced on New Jersey’s official website that a whopping 27% of Juniors across New Jersey failed the HSPA. This is up wildly from around 8% last year. Governor C-lo Krispee said, “It has come to my understanding that more than one quarter of juniors failed the High School Proficiency Assessment this year. This is unacceptable for the standard of education in New Jersey. In May, we are going to have all juniors retake the test with the hope that numbers improves significantly.”
Hockey rink to be unveiled next winter
Photo from archdaily.com
April Fool’s 2014
Sweet! Potential home of vagrant student and celebrity litigant, B’More Boyardee.
By Childi$h Bobino Contributing Writer It looks as if the lower field at Summit High School will finally be put to good use. Super fans, say good-bye to the thirty-minute car rides to Warinaco and hello to the Summit Hilltoppers very own hockey rink. Construction on the state-of-the-art arena is set to begin on June 31. The preliminary plan is for the rink to be outdoors and have seating for at least 3,000 people, including areas for concessions and multiple bathrooms. There will be free wi-fi. The proposal of this arena came about in the summer of 2013 when it was discovered that the lower field was being under utilized, hosting meaningless sporting events, and occasionally band practice. During warm weather months, the town plans to use the rink for Summit’s golf team. An AstroTurf putting green will be placed over the rink on April 1 every year. This will hopefully give more practice time to the Summit golf team, and certainly bring this town the golf state title it has been dreaming of for some time. Opening night for the rink is set for December 8, when the hockey team faces off with Chatham at 8 p.m.