Buh-bye Warrinaco! Hello new ice rink!
What do the Illuminati sell at a bake-sale? Find out inside! see page 2
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April 1, 2014
Volume XIV Issue 7.4.1
Summit High School 125 Kent Place Blvd, Summit, NJ 07901
Searching for silver: scrounging for dignity. B’more Boyardee raises funds the hard way, one quarter at a time. He’ll never change.
By *Dolphin Noises* Contributing Writer
ee.
On Friday morning at 11 a.m., senior B’more Boyardee filed a lawsuit against his parents. B’more, who had left his home three months before in an argument over whose turn it was to unload the dishwasher, is now attempting to sue his mother and father for not paying for his transportation to an audition on the popular golf television show “Big Break.” Insiders speculated that the catalyst for B’more’s departure from his home had been to pursue a love interest from Morris Catholic High School. Little did B’more know, his love interest had left home not long before to move in with her true boyfriend. “Only golf can break my heart now,” said Boyardee. Crushed by his failed pursuit, B’more decided not to return home to his parents, who stated that they still would accept him. “This is really unlike our darling B’more. His love for golf is eternal, but we did not expect it to be at our expense, and to go this far,” voiced his concerned father. “Last we heard, our little B’eezy was living in a tent he had pitched in the woods behind the 9th hole at Baltusrol. We are really concerned for our boy,” added Mrs. Boyard-
“While he is trying to continue to be independent, he continues to order food on our family’s account. We may have to pull the plug on his Platinum card. He is not ready to live on his own,” she said. Incriminating Instagram photos delineate the prodigal son’s profligate camping, where he has coined a new term, the “B’more.” Unlike the familiar camp concoction of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate, a b’more is fashioned from tinned truffles, Petite Ecolier biscuits, and Nutella. “It’s a life of champagne wishes, and caviar dreams I am steering for,” said Boyardee Jr. But if mums and pops cut him off and his pro-bono lawyer drops him, Boyardee’s only hope may be a winning NCAA bracket. The case was deemed "too ridiculous" by most lawyers as well as potential jury members. B’more and his family have both decided to represent themselves and therefore will meet in front of the coolest jurist on Earth: Judge Judy. Her initial comments? “Do these Boyardees come from a long line of idiots?” Trial begins at 8 p.m. this Friday on Court TV.
This month’s Curve.... Lulzz.......... Smurf.........
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Obomba subverts dastardly plan via public relations coup extraordinaire
Dennis Rodman has visited North Korea 134 times, including 3 times for Kim JongUn’s birthday. The Former NBA star said, “according to my fearless leader, a nuclear war is imminent.” The rest of the statement was was lost in a mumble. Rodman’s voice resurfaced momentarily to declare, “I have talked to President Obomba as KJ1’s capitalist lapdog and spokes-celebrity, and have made it clear that North Koreans have already made plans to bomb the U.S.” In a private conversation between the Kim Jong-Un and Rodman, Rodman told him that one time in practice, Michael Jordan pushed him too hard and never gave him enough credit for championships. Un said he would “take care of it.” Rodman, as self-proclaimed communist diplomat, believes only he can stop the Nuclear War. In fact, sources close to Rodman claim that it is Rodman calling the shots, and Kim Jong-Un is Rodman’s mini-me, or number two. However, Rodman and Un appear in the press to be best friends. Clearly, Rodman and
AP Photo/VICE Media, Jason Mojica
By Frankly Fuoti Staff Reporter
Dealing with E! now! Dennis Rodman,left, will be starring with N. Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un in the new E! series, “Nuclear Boor.”
Un are up to no good. Meanwhile, while on the way to his next Golf game and fundraiser, an incredible flash of back-channel brilliance overtook President Obomba, who has single-handedly solved the problem through good looks. He has utilized his contacts in Hollywood to forestall disaster by brokering talks between Rodman, Un, and E! Network executives. As proof of the efficacy of the lead-from-behind strategy, White House press secretary Jay Carnage has no comment. The E! network also just announced its upcoming season and plans a show about Rodman and Un. The show is called “Nuclear Boor” and
will star both Rodman and Un as themselves. Un claims that if the show does happen, he will not launch missiles towards the U.S. He is hoping to parlay this opportunity into invitations to dine with other favorite big names, such as Danny Treijo, Brett Michaels, Cindy Lauper, Tori Spelling, and Flava-Flav. E! is hoping that “Nuclear Boor” doesn’t bomb. In a recent press release, Un dissed NB as “stupid, childish, and an invasion of privacy.” However, after Un learned that Alec Baldwin will come out of retirement to host, he couldn’t say no. “Nuclear Boor” debuts June 31, at 8:30 on E!
Mystery retiree: Who’s livin’ la vida mullett By Rick James Staff Reporter
Effective March 1, Summit High School lost one of its all -time greats. During his time, this teacher was known for his passion, his originality, his mullet. Like the beard of Zeus, or mustache of Ron Burgundy, this man’s mullet had risen to incredible fame. Due to his love of teaching, alas, he scoffed at those who deemed his hillwilliam coif a top priority. He simply brushed critics aside, and parted their comments with his razor wit. With his retirement how-
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ever, fate has stepped in. It was clear that in his mullet lay destiny, and destiny is not to be ignored. So on April 1, while driving down Route 66 in Arizona, teacher X made a stop at a Harley Davidson motorcycle store. After the purchase of a
Upcoming:
Photo from cafepress.co.uk
Golf son sues parents, loses round one: Judge Judy presides
bike and vintage 1973 Harley Davidson leather jacket, size awesome, his transformation was complete. He’s now lowriding with Hell’s Mullets. Now this is not your typical biker gang. It’s righteous. Acting with a code of ethics straight from Woodstock nation, he and his gang have begun a spiritual journey across the country, spreading a message of peace, love, and mullet pride. He leads a gang of 15 men and three women, each one sporting their own unique mullet. Despite originating in Arizona Continued on page 2...
Anonymous collective smashes Curve presses Curve adviser retires to Cabo, refuses calls Malysian Jet goes unnoticed on Lower Turf