Turn to Smurf, page 3, to learn all about the Chess Team’s success!
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Turn to Lullz, page 2, for Curve Views: Where is Mr. Akey now?
April 1, 2015
Summit High School
Volume XV Issue 7.4.1
125 Kent Place Blvd, Summit, NJ 07901
Hip-otle Isn’t So “Hip” Anymore
Governor announces expansion to PARQUE testing, effective 2016
By Δ Staff Writer
Chiptole is lyf! Hundreds are suffering now that Hip-otle closed. Photo Credit: zazzle.com
By Red Head Rogoff Staff Writer
The New Providence Hipotle, a chain of Mexican cuisine, is closing after only being opened for a few short months. Due to their lack of business and lack of attention via snapchat, the restaurant had no other choice but to end its enterprise. The previous loyal customers, such as the sports teams, specifically the cross country team, who made it a priority to have a “Hip-otle Mile”, could no longer support this business. They have moved on to bigger and better things. After vomiting incessantly from running with a burrito in their stomachs, the crosscountry team has gone coldturkey on Hip-otle. Now, the restaurant is facing the severe detriments of tanking profits because they have lost about eighty viable customers. Thanks to the runners, all other athletes are following in their footsteps. Burritos, tacos, and quesadillas are no longer in their diets. Surprisingly, ever since the runners left Hip-otle, they have taken a massive liking to kale. Yes kale. In the last few months, grocery stores have
had an untamable demand for kale. Now, all athletes have realized how versatile this superfood is! Mike Kaleo said, “Kale is the best vegetable ever because it tastes so good and I can eat it in several ways.” Mike is right because kale can be put in a smoothie, in a salad, or even eaten as a chip. What can be better? It is also very cost efficient. Instead of buying a burrito for eight dollars, one can purchase a bag of kale for four dollars. That is half the price!! Teens have finally woken up to the massive amounts of money spent on food, specifically at Hip-otle and are making way for change. Watch out because soon, all 1700 Hip-otle restaurants will be substituted for Kale Cabooses, the up and coming kale eatery. Michelle Linel, the owner of Kale Caboose said, “We have only been open for three months, but so far the customers have loved our food because it is affordable and students can easily find a meal without breaking the bank.” It may be hard to believe, but this is the truth. Goodbye Hip-otle and hello Kale Caboose.
This month’s Curve.... Lulzz.......... Smurf.........
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In just its first year of existence, students and teachers alike have praised the PARQUE exam for its air-tight organization and productive use of time. The new online standardized test is taken by all grade 9-11 students in the high school and is delivered for several weeks this year from March to May. However, due to its unexpected popularity and success, it may be expanded even further next year. At his last meeting on the matter, NJ Governor and consumer of small sea vessels, Mr. Krispy Kraken announced a mandatory pre and post PARQUE exam to be in the works for next year’s test takers in order to boost scores statewide. The Pre-PARQUE will begin in mid-December and end at the end of February just before the real PARQUE begins. During the Pre-PARQUE, teachers are instructed to act as if it were the actual test and not teach any new content to maximize student performance. Unfortunately, to accomodate this new expansion of the test, the winter holiday break will suffer a one week reduction, which means that class will
Park! Some of us don’t understand what PARQUE is. Photo Credit:sandiego.gov
resume the first school day available after Christmas day. Furthermore, a one month preparation period will be mandated during November to ensure that Pre-PARQUE scores are adequate enough to ensure high PARQUE scores. As per expected, no new material will be taught during this month-long period or during the newly adjusted PARQUE-centric cirriculum that will be implemented during October and September. Finally, there will be a post-exam that will be administered during all of June to collect data and how much students improved from the pre-PARQUE and PARQUE. Teachers will be allowed to teach during this period, however class time during the
week before finals will still be used as dedicated review time. Kraken also announced that he planned to reactivate the Federalist and founding father, John Adams’ Sedition Act in order to protect every aspect of the PARQUE from its critics hateful and slanderous words. When asked about their opinion, sophomore [REDACTED], said “I think the PARQUE exam is very [REDACTED] and I hope next year it [REDACTED].” This student could not be reached for further comment on the PARQUE’s slight schedule expansion as they are now in custody for sedition against NJ governor and glorious educational overlord, Krispy Kraken and his kommon kore.
Red light signals conspiracy theorists near By Clam Fuoti Smurf Editor
The eco-fountains are the new way to easily fill up water bottles. A motion detector sees there is an object in front of it and releases water down into the bottle. Within the system lies a filtration system. A bright green light on the front of the machine allows the student to see the status of the filtration. Lately, the lights have remained steadily red. The red light is a common signal of prohibition and danger. A recent study by Water Bottle Filling Inc. said “when a red light for your filtration status
...................zzuB ..........S+S/ebolG ..................enipO
occurs, the artificial intelligence kicks in.” Yet, the school administration continues to let students theorize that DNA and hydration habits are being collected and monitored in tandem with widely reported PARQUE social media spying. Principal Mr. Saul Pears declined interview requests. Flyers in hallways initialed by him, however, said, “It’s just water. Drink it.” As more and more schools around the district continue to install these filtration machines, more and more schools have noticed this unfortunate red light.
Upcoming:
Stop! Eco-fountain red lights are worrying “2001:A Space Odyssey” fans. Photo Credit: Hen Benning
Some students seem to be more curious than fearful. Senior Ellie Degeneres said “I like the color red, it’s pretty. I just wonder what it means!” Whether it’s curiosity or worry, the red filter light has provided an ominous presence for water drinkers everywhere.
Colleges limit acceptances to two per school, Curve gives President a laugh, someone opts out of something, celebrity child named Thumbtack.