Turn to Smurf, page 3, to learn all about the Chess Team’s success!
Photo from cafepress.co.uk
Turn to Lullz, page 2, for Curve Views: Where is Mr. Akey now?
April 1, 2015
Summit High School
Volume XV Issue 7.4.1
125 Kent Place Blvd, Summit, NJ 07901
Hip-otle Isn’t So “Hip” Anymore
Governor announces expansion to PARQUE testing, effective 2016
By Δ Staff Writer
Chiptole is lyf! Hundreds are suffering now that Hip-otle closed. Photo Credit: zazzle.com
By Red Head Rogoff Staff Writer
The New Providence Hipotle, a chain of Mexican cuisine, is closing after only being opened for a few short months. Due to their lack of business and lack of attention via snapchat, the restaurant had no other choice but to end its enterprise. The previous loyal customers, such as the sports teams, specifically the cross country team, who made it a priority to have a “Hip-otle Mile”, could no longer support this business. They have moved on to bigger and better things. After vomiting incessantly from running with a burrito in their stomachs, the crosscountry team has gone coldturkey on Hip-otle. Now, the restaurant is facing the severe detriments of tanking profits because they have lost about eighty viable customers. Thanks to the runners, all other athletes are following in their footsteps. Burritos, tacos, and quesadillas are no longer in their diets. Surprisingly, ever since the runners left Hip-otle, they have taken a massive liking to kale. Yes kale. In the last few months, grocery stores have
had an untamable demand for kale. Now, all athletes have realized how versatile this superfood is! Mike Kaleo said, “Kale is the best vegetable ever because it tastes so good and I can eat it in several ways.” Mike is right because kale can be put in a smoothie, in a salad, or even eaten as a chip. What can be better? It is also very cost efficient. Instead of buying a burrito for eight dollars, one can purchase a bag of kale for four dollars. That is half the price!! Teens have finally woken up to the massive amounts of money spent on food, specifically at Hip-otle and are making way for change. Watch out because soon, all 1700 Hip-otle restaurants will be substituted for Kale Cabooses, the up and coming kale eatery. Michelle Linel, the owner of Kale Caboose said, “We have only been open for three months, but so far the customers have loved our food because it is affordable and students can easily find a meal without breaking the bank.” It may be hard to believe, but this is the truth. Goodbye Hip-otle and hello Kale Caboose.
This month’s Curve.... Lulzz.......... Smurf.........
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In just its first year of existence, students and teachers alike have praised the PARQUE exam for its air-tight organization and productive use of time. The new online standardized test is taken by all grade 9-11 students in the high school and is delivered for several weeks this year from March to May. However, due to its unexpected popularity and success, it may be expanded even further next year. At his last meeting on the matter, NJ Governor and consumer of small sea vessels, Mr. Krispy Kraken announced a mandatory pre and post PARQUE exam to be in the works for next year’s test takers in order to boost scores statewide. The Pre-PARQUE will begin in mid-December and end at the end of February just before the real PARQUE begins. During the Pre-PARQUE, teachers are instructed to act as if it were the actual test and not teach any new content to maximize student performance. Unfortunately, to accomodate this new expansion of the test, the winter holiday break will suffer a one week reduction, which means that class will
Park! Some of us don’t understand what PARQUE is. Photo Credit:sandiego.gov
resume the first school day available after Christmas day. Furthermore, a one month preparation period will be mandated during November to ensure that Pre-PARQUE scores are adequate enough to ensure high PARQUE scores. As per expected, no new material will be taught during this month-long period or during the newly adjusted PARQUE-centric cirriculum that will be implemented during October and September. Finally, there will be a post-exam that will be administered during all of June to collect data and how much students improved from the pre-PARQUE and PARQUE. Teachers will be allowed to teach during this period, however class time during the
week before finals will still be used as dedicated review time. Kraken also announced that he planned to reactivate the Federalist and founding father, John Adams’ Sedition Act in order to protect every aspect of the PARQUE from its critics hateful and slanderous words. When asked about their opinion, sophomore [REDACTED], said “I think the PARQUE exam is very [REDACTED] and I hope next year it [REDACTED].” This student could not be reached for further comment on the PARQUE’s slight schedule expansion as they are now in custody for sedition against NJ governor and glorious educational overlord, Krispy Kraken and his kommon kore.
Red light signals conspiracy theorists near By Clam Fuoti Smurf Editor
The eco-fountains are the new way to easily fill up water bottles. A motion detector sees there is an object in front of it and releases water down into the bottle. Within the system lies a filtration system. A bright green light on the front of the machine allows the student to see the status of the filtration. Lately, the lights have remained steadily red. The red light is a common signal of prohibition and danger. A recent study by Water Bottle Filling Inc. said “when a red light for your filtration status
...................zzuB ..........S+S/ebolG ..................enipO
occurs, the artificial intelligence kicks in.” Yet, the school administration continues to let students theorize that DNA and hydration habits are being collected and monitored in tandem with widely reported PARQUE social media spying. Principal Mr. Saul Pears declined interview requests. Flyers in hallways initialed by him, however, said, “It’s just water. Drink it.” As more and more schools around the district continue to install these filtration machines, more and more schools have noticed this unfortunate red light.
Upcoming:
Stop! Eco-fountain red lights are worrying “2001:A Space Odyssey” fans. Photo Credit: Hen Benning
Some students seem to be more curious than fearful. Senior Ellie Degeneres said “I like the color red, it’s pretty. I just wonder what it means!” Whether it’s curiosity or worry, the red filter light has provided an ominous presence for water drinkers everywhere.
Colleges limit acceptances to two per school, Curve gives President a laugh, someone opts out of something, celebrity child named Thumbtack.
LOLZZ Survey reveals no Summit login back: students read Verve permits student printing 2 Curve
April Fool’s 2015
By Ethan Mandelbomber Metro News Editor
By Anika Lewinksy Globe Editor
In a recent survey in English classes, it was discovered that a whopping seven students reported that they read Verve every month. We here at Verve are proud of this number, up three from last year. An increase is a good sign, but the reasons behind it are ambiguous. We don’t really know why anyone would read a paper that writes articles about no one reading their paper. The truly embarrassing part of the survey was that it included members of the staff. Insight tells us that only two of the seven are staff members. C’mon people! We’re trying to keep ourselves afloat! Obviously, this would be awkward, except for the fact that no one is going to read this article, so no one will know that no one reads the paper, except for me and six other people. Oh well. One of our readers, Senior Drew Sack said, “They’re really trying.” We appreciate this kind commen-
After much back and forth between both the school board and teachers, the two sides have come to the consensus to let students print from the Summit login once again. Immediately following the PARQUE exams, the tech department will begin resetting the computers to allow students to print from the summit account. Originally the school was upset that students were printing too many pages off the Summit logins, and were concerned about whether or not they were school-related print outs. However, the board later realized how much backlash they received as a result from this change in printing order. A recent study performed by members of the school reveals that 98.5 percent of all students and faculty have complained about the restrictions on printing at least 14 times, many of who have complained more than 14 times.
Read it and weep! Unread and unwanted copies of Verve lay abandoned on countless lunch tables, hallway floors, and classroom desks. File Photo.
tary, as it is friendlier than the usual jokes aimed at Verve. One of our other readers, Eighth Grader Sage O’Toole said, “I really appreciate the ‘Screen & Sound’ page. They keep trying, and that’s all I can ask for.” If anyone is reading this, help spread the word. We aren’t that bad. Give us a read in May, maybe we will come up with something worth your time. Please.
Sophomore Sally Mander said “it was most hard for me going from being able to print off Summit last year, to not being able to this year. I’m really happy we’re going back to the old way of printing.” Mander isn’t alone. Most students voiced the opinion that the thing they liked least about the school was their limited access to printing. Many students also reported that having to log into their account added upwards of three minutes to their printing. When you’re rushing to print out homework the period before it is due, three minutes is time you just do not have. Now that students will be able to print from the Summit login, the number of unexcused tardies is projected to drop and the time projects, papers, and homeworks will be turned in is anticipated to increase. This change to the school will undoubtedly better the school, and those within it.
Where is he now?
Students guess where former Assisant Principal Anthony Akey is now! by Bernie Henningway, Staff Writer
Senior Gordon Jones
Junior Cristan Tort
“With Eskimos in Alaska.”
“Managing a water park.”
Junior Truly Shinlow Freshman Miller Andrews Junior Lindy Alsace
“I think he’s spending quality time with his family.”
“Who is that?”
Summit Senior High School 125 Kent Place Boulevard Summit, NJ 07901
Editors-in-Chief Merry Robinson Ellie Goulding Managing Editors Megs ‘n Bacon Shaw Carly Buzz Leityear A1 Editor Ethan Mandelbomber Globe Editor Anika Lewinsky
Opinion Editor
“Romanov” Tselevich Mark Steffenhagan
Entertainment Editor Lily Loungeware Alice N. Wonderland
Buzz Editors Emily Pow! Sports Editors Clam Fuoti
Art Director Ryans Bloomers Circulation Managers Sophie Leaves Kristen Stewart
Staff Reporters: Ryans Bloomers, Spencers Fries, Bernie Henningway, Emily Curley, Rachel Witzy, Sophie Leaves, M ‘n M’s, Phillip Phillips, Marielle Roam-Off, Kristen Stewart Principal: Mr. Saul Pears Assistant Principals: Mrs. Stacy Grimaldi’s Pizza Mr. Mischa Apostasy Adviser: Mrs. Anne Goat-herder English Supervisor: Mr. “What’s the story” Walsh
“Uh... maybe France?
April 1, 2015 Volume XV, Issue 7.4.1 shsverve@gmail.com
Curve is little bit of silliness that sometimes accompanies the April edition of Verve. The Verve staff is not meaning to burn anybody’s biscuit by having a little try at some satire and comedy writing. We hope you enjoy this few upside-down pages of our regular monthly paper. All characters appearing on the pages of Curve are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Curve is a publication open to the opinions of its readers.
Please submit all letters to shsverve@gmail.com. Letters must be signed, and will be subject to editing for space, grammar, and factual accuracy; however, all efforts will be made to preserve the writer’s intent. Libelous and inappropriate writing will not be published. Views expressed in Curve do not necessarily reflect those of Summit Senior High School’s administration, faculty, staff, or other students.
April Fool’s 2015
Smurf
Checkmate or cellmate?
Checkmate! Chess club brings the game to new levels, battling against a group of juvenile delinquents. The SHS students gain community service hours, while the convicts have a chance to win their freedom. Photo credit: imgbuddy.com.
By “Romanov” Tselevich Opine Page Editor In order to meet, and hopefully exceed, the required number of community service hours that each sport team must fulfill, the Varsity chess team has taken a new route. In an effort to do something more unique that will benefit local underdeveloped areas, members of the team have reached out to the Union County Juvenile Detention Center’s officers for service project. The aim of this project is to teach juvenile delinquents about the riveting sport of chess. Through this program, inmates will be set up with a student mentor from the team, who will shadow them during various scrimmages, tournaments, and games.
Once they get a better understanding for the game, Chess captains hope that they will be able to play against one another for some light-hearted competitive fun. Not to mention, captains are working with new Superintendent July Chang to award one of the inmates with the grand prize of being freed from prison, and becoming part of the SHS community if they are able to win in the game against Delbarton. Since the team will be spending so much time with the inmates, and will end up with the most community service hours, they will probably also receive the most funding from the Board of Education, and continue their reign as the most highly funded sport at the school. Talk about checkmate!
Student rejection letters citing participation in “Selfie Sunday” By Rachel Witzy Staff Writer Who knew that a selfie could singlehandedly ruin your future? As students receive their college acceptance letters, many have been shocked to find that they were rejected from all schools, even their safeties. “I don’t know what I did wrong. I did everything that the Guidance Department said, got good grades, participated in clubs and played three sports,” said senior William Harvard. Sarah Lawrence was also surprised to find that she was rejected from all of her safety schools. “I didn’t get into a single one of the schools I applied to. Now my only option is to be a street performer, begging for loose change,” Lawrence said. After further investigation, rejected students realized that they all shared one thing in common: their weekly “Selfie Sunday” post on social media. “It was one time. If I had known the impact that it would have on my life, I never would have done it. I just really liked the Valencia filter on Instagram and decided to go for it,” said senior Mahlia Dusallum, who was rejected from her dream school, UPencil. It has now been confirmed that colleges are in fact both revoking acceptances and refusing admission to all
those who have participated in “Selfie Sunday.” The Univeristy of Appleandpeas has spoken out about their decision, stating, “the kind of students we’re looking for are those who can show self restraint and modesty. We don’t care how good the filter looks on you--if you post, youre out.” This disappointing news has changed the lives of seniors across the country. “Selfie Sunday” is no longer something to celebrate, and is strongly advised against.
Curve 3
From the Shmeditor’s Shmesk Ha! We got you. Welcome to Curve, our favorite issue of the year! Hopefully this is the worst you get pranked today. April Fools day is like a pop quiz, you never see it coming. So, we would just like to clarify. Chipoltle is not closing, you still can’t print from the Summit Log-in, and the lacrosse team is not putting out a clothing line. Sad face. Coming up with the Curve articles is quite the process. The staff sits down and tries to think of topics that would alarm the Summit students. We know that if you actually thought Verve was getting cut, you would freak. PSA to all our fans, we’re here to stay. Moving on, we’d like to take this time to give the seniors a much deserved sigh of relief. Yes, we are giving you your own sigh. Sigh, now. With April 1st coming to a close, the college process is also reaching an end. Congrats, we did it! And for all of those who have been waitlisted, it’s frustrating, but hold on tight. It’s gonna be good. Let’s talk about this spring weather. I mean, it’s nice. Or the idea of it is. Anyone want to start a bet about when those ice caps in the parking lot are going to melt? We have our money on May 5. <-- this cracked us up. We love the article and the picture, which obviously is not the faux chess team, epitomizes Curve and all its glory. Props to the Verve staff on creating such a memorable image. But really, we always rant about the triumphs of the sports teams and theater, and all of the other amazing activities going on in our school. Now we want to take some time to congratulate the real MVPs, our own people, the Verve staff. You guys rock, and we can’t thank you enough for all your hard work. : )
New platinum hairstyle taking teens by storm
Kim K! This Kardashian’s new hairstyle, commonly compared to Draco Malfoy’s, has taken SHS by storm. Photo montage credit: Hollywoodlife.com.
By Bernie Henningway Staff Writer
Kim Kardashian is starting yet another fashion trend. After staying relatively quiet for some time after her controversial Paper magazine cover in November 2014, Kim is once again the hot (butt)on, but this time her hair is the center of attention. Just this past month, Kim took to Twitter to post a picture of her new hair at Kanye’s concert-- and shockingly it was white. While many people expected her fans to be appalled, the response was quite the opposite. The following week at SHS, at least ten girls were spotted donning this new platinum blonde look. Despite numerous comparisons to Draco Malfoy, Kim K’s loyal following did their best
to mimic her newfound look. “I was shocked to find that all the girls hair looked eerily similar to Draco Malfoy. If you ask me, it’s definitely a turn off,” said senior BLANK. While many of the boys share the same opinion, the girls stand by each other in their belief of this new look. Day by day the number of platinum blondes walking the halls exponentially increases. The boys think its an epidemic, the girls think it’s a revolution. Junior Julia Woloshin said, “After seeing other girls wearing Kim’s hair I knew I had to get it.” All the girls said the same thing, I have to get it. “I’m not gonna lie to you I think it’s kinda hot,” said BOY. The girls are united, the boys are divided, and all the girls look like Draco Malfoy because Kim Kardashian dyed her hair.
Lax team offers wardrobe advice
By Alice N. Wonderland Staff Writer
Selfie! Malia Dusallam poses, unaware that this post will determine her college acceptance successes. Photo credit: Malia Dusallam (obviously).
ATTENTION: all preppy boys looking to revamp their spring wardrobes. The wait is over; the boys lacrosse team is creating a line of pastel shorts, checkered button-ups, and custom polos that will fulfill your spring essential needs. Customize your own Vineyard Vines spring clothing with the Summit lacrosse logo, lacrosse sticks, or
your number! It is recommended that boys also get a mullet haircut to pull off the look, which is only complete with three racing stripes.