BECAUSE I SAID SO...
HELLO, DRY JANUARY WRITTEN BY JULIE BURTON / PHOTO BY JAMI BOWMAN
I’m writing this in November. You’re reading this in January, which means I’m well into what we call “Dry January.” Dry January—it’s an annual tradition where some of us choose to ditch alcohol for the month. Some do it as a New Year’s resolution. Some do it to “detox” from the excessive drinking during the holidays.
I do it because ... well, I don’t really know. If my friends jump off a bridge, so will I. Only in this case, Dry January does more good than harm. I’m not an every day drinker—I would estimate 1-2 drinks a week on my own. Maybe more if someone invites me to a happy hour. I’m more of a social drinker. But it hasn’t always been that way. I’m a 40-yearold woman with stories about alcohol from my college days, 20s ... and 30s. Here are a few things I’ll miss during Dry January—in no particular order, during no particular age. Mooning that nice family on a boat in the Florida Keys. The kindness of strangers inside the Port-APotty at Arrowhead Stadium. It was a cold winter game. I pulled down my pants, my thermals, and relieved myself. I realized I peed through my underwear but didn’t have the coordination to take off my shoes, pants, and thermals to take off my underwear and ditch them. Such a kind lady helped me get situated for the Chiefs game. Uber for taking me where I need to go. It was Thanksgiving night on the Plaza. I was newly divorced and couldn’t remember my
new address. I told the Uber driver to take me to my ex’s house. But hey, he got me where I said to go! The convenience of boxes being a catch-all for New Year’s Eve parties. I went to a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve, then decided to crash on a twin bed. I woke up, couldn’t find a trash can or toilet and puked inside a box in a closet. It was contained. Being the last one on the dance floor at every wedding I’ve been to. Making new BFFs in the bathrooms at bars, no matter what city I am in. Naps. I went to a house party, used the restroom, and woke up to my boyfriend opening the door after he picked the lock because I took a 30-minute nap. The very nice street vendors in downtown Kansas City. Staycations are extra fun to wake up to after you find a sausage street vendor in the Power and Light District while walking back to your hotel the night before. My stomach quickly reminded me that I ordered an extra hot sausage and “Hey, you got any extra jalapenos back there? Throw those on. I’m half Mexican.” At least the street vendor thought I was funny.
Julie Burton is an Overland Park mom, writer, K-State lover, and bacon-hater. She is a blogger and contributing author to the humor book, But Did You Die?: Setting the Parenting Bar Low. Burton’s also been named one of the Today Show’s “funniest parents.” And yes, she really does hate bacon. Please don’t drop her as a friend. Follow Julie at: julieburton.blog • facebook.com/julieburtonwriter • twitter.com/ksujulie • instagram.com/ksujulie
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SIMPLYkc MAGAZINE
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JANUARY 2022
