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Authors You Should Know
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From Our Editors Inside this edition,we celebrate the men and women who are not just following their dreams but actively pursuing their purpose. Chicago native Richard Gallion is living his dream in television and film. Darcell is a rising indie artist out of Houston,Texas using his voice to make a mark through his music. Learn more from Dr. Shola Ezeokoli with her new book Physician Heal Yourself and Balanced Life. If this is not enough for you then be sure to get your note pad ready for our Small Business spotlight, check out attorney Pillara Henderson-Smith as she talks about Building Generational Wealth with a bonus feature on Sistah's Place website where she drops some golden nuggets in July. Our team has some heartfelt stories to share from dealing with trauma, domestic violence, and the importance of self care. Our Best, Sistah's Place Follow us on social media. Twitter: @sistahsplace2 IG: @sistahsplace
Get Inspired, empowered, and entertained. Cover Design by Tyrone Oshantha Layout by Tia Thomson Sr. Editors: Carmen Elle Shauntae White Associate Editor Debra Lynn Thomas
SISTAH'S PLACE MAGAZINE
CONTENTS INSPIRATION & ENTERTAINMENT
05 FROM OUR EDITORS
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Note from the team
11 DR. BARBARA EVANS
Mental Health Awareness: Truama To Recovery
13 SELENA HASKIN Your Intution can save your life
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RICHARD GALLION COVER FEATURE BY MARCIE HILL
23 KIMBERLY R. JASPER
RICHARD GALLION
8 Signs of Abusive Relationship
34 DOROTHY PEAPLES Book Review: Becoming Michelle
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PILLARA HENDERSONSMITH Smallbusiness: Building Generational Wealth
WWW.SISTAHSPLACE.COM
DARCELL Music: Indie Artist
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DR. SHOLA EZEOKLI Author Spotlight: Physician Heal Yourself
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C O N T R I B U TO R S Dr. Barbara Evans, EdD, LCPC Mental Health Awareness
FB: Better Days with Barbie IG: drbarbe Marcie Hill Freelance writer/Blogger/Author Twitter: @Marciewrites
Dorothy Peaple Twitter: @AYellowHouse IG: Dori_pics
Kimberly R. Jasper IG: @krjasperwrites Facebook: Author Kimberley R. Jasper
Selena Haskins Author & Blogger Twitter/IG: @BooksbySelena
Editors: Carmen Ward Debra Lynn Thomas Shauntae White Intern/Guest Freelancers Mia Thomas (Student Intern)
Sistah's Place website www.sistahsplace.com
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Pillara Henderson-Smith Building Generational Wealth in the Black Community By Marcie Hill
When speaking to members of the black community about money and possessions, Pillara Henderson-Smith often hears: “I can’t take it with me when I die” or “I don’t care what happens to any of this stuff.” This is disheartening. What’s even more disturbing is personally experiencing the deaths of several family members who had done absolutely no after-life planning. “The effects included spouses and children making heart-wrenching and agonizing end-of-life decisions…with children bouncing from several homes; large amounts of debt left behind; and inter-family fighting over property.” The above conversations, coupled with her personal experiences, made Pillara want to educate and help build generational wealth in the black community through estate planning. “I want to give them the tools that have alluded them for so many years, to allow them and their loved ones to have peace of mind, financial security, and build generational wealth.” She also wants to help bridge the wealth gap that exists between black and white families. According to a 2016 Federal Reserve report, a black family’s average median wealth is $17,600 while a white family’s average median wealth is $171,000. Estate planning became her mission and purpose after working as a children’s ministry director for many years. “It became clear to me that I was to train up my next replacement, resign that position and return to the law.” With over 17 years of legal experience, Pillara sought positions at laws firms and a particular not-for-profit organization. She didn’t get any interviews with the firms and kept encountering obstacles with the not-for-profit.
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At the advice of a career coach, she set up a LinkedIn profile and mistakenly sent connection invites to her entire contact list. On that list was a financial planner, Brian Ramaker, who had recently taken over the accounts at the church where she taught. He read her LinkedIn profile and asked her to assist his clients with their estate planning needs. She thanked him and declined. But Brian was persistent. “A couple of days later he called me … and said he had some clients that needed some documents prepared and wanted to know if I would help. He even offered the use of his office.” Within days of agreeing to help his clients, people in the community began approaching her about preparing wills, powers of attorney, and other estate related documents. That single yes opened doors to a flow of business which was the beginning of Pillara’s private practice, Henderson-Smith Law Firm. Since opening in Romeoville, IL in 2015, she has assisted hundreds of diverse clients with creating plans for life transitions of incapacity or death through the use of estate planning tools. “This is an area of law where I can make a positive community impact by continuing to serve and support families just as I had done for many years in ministry…I truly believe that if I am able to positively impact individuals, these individuals will positively impact their families, and each family will positively impact and enrich their community.” There are four Estate Planning tools she recommends for everyone which are wills; guardians for minor and disabled children; health care power of attorney and financial power of attorney; and life insurance. A full explanation of what each tool is, how they work, and why people should invest in them is available on the Sistah’s Place website. If you want peace of mind, financial security, and the possibility to create generational wealth, contact Pillara Henderson-Smith for your estate planning needs at pillara@hendersonsmithlaw.com.
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Trauma to Recovery: The Road to Emotional Freedom By
Barbara
Evans,
EdD,
LCPC
www.Barbeface2face.com
Many people go for years living with the symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma. The effects of untreated psychological trauma can be devastating and infiltrate nearly every aspect of an individual’s life. Emotional and psychological trauma is defined as the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless in a dangerous world. Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and isolated can result in trauma, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective circumstances that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized. Emotional and Psychological trauma can be caused by: • One-time events such as injury or a violent attack, especially if it occurred in childhood. • Ongoing, relentless stress, such as living in a crime-ridden neighborhood, domestic violence, childhood neglect, Sexual, physical or verbal abuse, separation from a parent. • Commonly overlooked causes such as the sudden death of someone close, divorce/ breakup of a significant relationship, loss of a cherished dream, loss of financial stability, death of a pet, and humiliating or deeply disappointing experience, especially if someone was deliberately cruel.
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Some of the most common effects of untreated trauma include: • • • • • • • •
Substance Abuse/Alcoholism Obesity/Eating Disorders Hostility/Argumentativeness Uncontrollable reactive thoughts Social Withdrawal Sexual Problems Feelings of shame, depression, helplessness or despair Feeling as though one is permanently damaged
Working through trauma can be scary, painful, and potentially re-traumatizing. Everyone needs and wants to be seen, heard, and understood. However, traumatic events can leave a person feeling numb, distressed, and disconnected. Like they want to be invisible or to go unnoticed. This may feel safer, but it is not good for our wellbeing. An important part of healing is to repair this sense of separateness with ourselves and from others. The relationship we have with ourselves is just as crucial to healing as our ties to the people around us. Here are 5 Steps to Begin to Heal from Emotional Trauma
1. Be Willing to Heal. The desire to feel better can be your best ally on the road to recovery. The reactions you experience because of trauma are only responses- they are not who you are.
2. Accept Support From Loved Ones. It is important to connect with others regularly and avoid
isolating yourself. Surrounding yourself with those who support, love, and respect, you will be invaluable on your path to healing.
3. Seek The Assistance of Trained Professionals. You may wish to attend individual or group therapy, or seek out and receive the help of someone trained in the field of emotional trauma.
4. Practice Meditation and Mindfulness. Meditation helps quiet the chatter of the mind, to allow you to experience wisdom, acceptance, and a new appreciation for life.
5. Incorporate Movement Into Your Daily Routine. Yoga and other forms of physical activity release
endorphins and make you feel safe and stable. It’s vital to ensure you regularly engage in physical activity to help create positive feelings which have been torn down from emotional trauma.
Yes, sometimes the process of healing may be very difficult, but I encourage you to be consistent in your efforts towards self- love, wellness, and faith. In time, your heart will heal, and you will be on your way to experiencing new levels of joy and appreciation for life. References Chopra Treatment for Alcoholics Emotional & Psychological Trauma. Healing from Trauma & Moving On. Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., 2018 Symptoms, Signs, & Effects of Psychological Trauma. Cascade Behavioral Health. Taking Care of Your Spiritual Self. Manitoba Trauma Information & Education Centre, 2013.
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Your Intuition Can Save Your Life By Selena Haskins
The medical field has improved tremendously over the years. Science has saved many lives due to recent medications and life-saving procedures that leave patients with fewer side effects in times past. The advancement of treatments, thanks to education and monetary resources to perform research, can save many lives today. However, did you know that you are your best doctor for pretreatment? Let’s face it, whenever we make an appointment with our doctors, he or she with see us only for a few minutes, but we live with ourselves every day. We know what is normal for us and what is not normal for us. The doctor does not live with you 24-hours a day. They can only treat you based on the information they gather from YOU or by examining you. This is why it’s so important to take care of ourselves and to learn and understand our bodies. Self-care is one of the best ways to live a healthy life. If you are a person in tune with not only your physical health but mental health, then when something changes, your radars will go off. Granted, we don’t have to be hypochondriacs when it comes to our health, but we should never ignore signs that can be alarming. Recently, a friend of mine had a mammogram, and it came back normal, but just three months later, she felt what she thought was a lump in her breast. She contacted her doctor her had given her a referral when she had her mammogram done and explained that she needed another one and perhaps a sonogram too. The doctor refused to write a script for her to be seen again, ‘you are fine. You just had a mammogram,’ the doctor said to her. Despite her family history of breast cancer, the doctor did not write a script. She did not give up, she went to her GYN doctor, and explained the situation, and the GYN wrote her RX Script to be reevaluated. Thankfully for my friend, it turned out to be a cyst that was benign. Another friend of mine complained of rapid heartbeat even without strenuous exercise. She saw three cardiologists who all ran tests and told her she pretty much had anxiety or was stressed and needed to relax. She did not give up. She went back to her last cardio doctor and demanded a complete blood test, no matter the cost.
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The results, unfortunately, didn’t turn out in her favor, but she had a diagnosis of hyperthyroidism. Although she was unaware of this and completely shocked, she was happy to at least had a diagnosis so that she could receive proper treatment. She is now doing well. A third friend of mine chose to ignore her symptoms, and sadly, she’s no longer with us. I learned valuable lessons vicariously through my friends, don’t ignore warning signs regarding your health, and don’t give up in finding the right doctor to help you. Although medicine has advanced, and doctors have become more knowledgeable, they are still human and make mistakes. Don’t allow a doctor to downplay your symptoms because it’s not written in a textbook, insist on tests, and sometimes you have to insist on retest or additional medical tests. YOU are your first doctor. Your intuition can save your life.
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RICHARD GALLION I s Living His Dream by Marcie Hill
Hailed from Chicago, Richard Gallion is living his dream. Some of his opportunities happened by chance while others required hard work, sweat, and tears. Either way, his steps were divinely ordered and on purpose. How did you get into acting? I started acting by being in the right place at the right time. While injured playing college basketball, I went to a play rehearsal with a friend. They asked me to read for a character because the person was a no-call, no-show. I was bored, and it seemed fun; the rest is history. When did you write your first stage play? I wrote my first stage play, Living Without Love, while on tour with Ebony Fashion Fair in 2008. I was searching for reconciliation with my father, so I started to write out all my thoughts about how I felt, and what would be his response. How did you find out about Proven Innocent? How many people did you beat out for this role? My agent called me about the co-starring role in Proven Innocent. I auditioned for it and got it. I’m not sure how many other people went for the role, but it was definitely more than fifty.
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What is your proudest accomplishment? My proudest accomplishment is starting my own production company, Richard Gallion Entertainment (RGE). RGE was birthed to start my legacy for my children. It is extremely important for me to be able to model entrepreneurship and ownership to family members and my mentees. Having my own company allows me to write scripts that are more than entertainment. Writing scripts is a life-changing ministry. It is also a way to introduce the masses to God, without forcing religion down their back. Recently, we have expanded to include an RGE Youth division. I produced a short film for the participants, and it was shown at the Gene Siskel Film Festival. It also won an award. What are some of your challenges as an actor and playwright? Feeling like you had a great audition and not getting the role is one of the greatest challenges – and frustrations – I experience as an actor. You don’t get feedback to understand how you can improve for future auditions. As a playwright, one of my challenges is trying to understand how people are more excited about you working for a production company versus you having your own. What makes you keep going despite these challenges? I’ve had a glimpse of what my future looked like, and I know this is the life God has designed for me. Nothing feels better than to be walking in purpose. Your press release says that you're an actor, writer, and director. Which of these, do you enjoy most? Which did you start first? I enjoy directing the most. But I started acting first. Your press release says that your "future is set to accomplish undeniable feats." What are you currently working on? My newest play, I CANCER-VIVE, opened to an audience of over 1000 people. Also, I held a fully paid workshop for nearly 40 children, where they learned the art of acting. Leveraging the power of my relationships in the entertainment industry, I secured their careers with talent agencies, and many have been booked on national shows. Finally, I am going to independently platform my Desperate TV Series this summer. This piece was originally written as a stage play and toured for over two years before being prepared for television How do you balance wearing multiple hats and family? By realizing that first is God, then family, and then my career. I have learned to understand that order helps me throughout the day to stay centered and flourish in all lanes.
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What tips do you have for aspiring actors, writers, and directors? Actors become great listeners. Writers don’t be afraid to use your imagination and write down what you see. And directors, study the script even more than your actors. Visit https://www.richardgallion.com/ to learn more about Richard’s projects and accolades.
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Author Spotlight with Dr. Shola Ezeokoli by Shauntae White
The burnout. We’ve all experienced it from the constant, arduous task of simply struggling to get through each day of our careers. A career that you may have worked so hard for —only to realize that somewhere along the path to acquiring financial security, you have forgotten about you. The repetition, the demand, the stress; it certainly takes a toll on the mind, body, and spirit. Dr. Shola Ezeokoli explains the necessary balance that can realign your focus and reset your mental and physical sustainability. Dr. Ezeokoli teaches how to live the life meant for you and how to liberate yourself from the confines of the prosaic, lusterless day. Dr. Ezeokoli talks with Sistah’s Place about her most recent book, Physician Heal Yourself, and her endeavors in helping others discover a more tranquil life. What is your new book, Physician Heal Yourself about? Physician Heal Yourself is my latest book. In it, I share practical tips that can help doctors and other professions live a wholly balanced life. In it, I talk about time management, defeating overwhelm, stress relief, and a host of other topics.
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What motivated and inspired you to write this particular book? I wrote Physician Heal Yourself as part and parcel of the answer to the current scourge of physician burnout. Current statistics show that most doctors in the US at one time or another have suffered from symptoms of burnout. With a physician shortage across the country and more and more dedicated physicians leaving the profession, it is time that we faced the problem head-on. As someone who suffered burnouts and successfully overcome, I feel duty-bound to help my colleagues defeat and prevent the same in their own lives. My new book, physician, heal yourself is a way for doctors to live a more fulfilled, and holistically improved life as well as free their lives from the dreaded burnout. It contains strategies which if practiced consistently, can help anyone, not just MDs, live a more fulfilled life. What is the message you want your readers to take away from this book? That whether you are a doctor or not, you can live a fulfilling, happy, prosperous life without burnout, following simple, consistent strategies. Tell us about the woman behind the book, the business, the speaker/life coach, and doctor. I am Dr. Shola Ezeokoli, the vibrant and innovative CEO and founder of Balance With Dr. Shola LLC. I am an ICF certified professional life coach, corporate and conference speaker, #1 Amazon Best-selling Author, and triple licensed internal medicine physician. I started my career as a medical doctor, but my passion for helping people go to the next level of their lives lead me into public speaking, writing, and professional coaching. I help professional’s live burnout and stress-free lives by teaching them to create lives of balance and total life harmony through my coaching programs. I work with organizations to improve staff members health, engagement, and productivity through a focus on personal life balance, confidence, and personal power. I do this through lunch and learns seminars and workshops. As an ICF certified professional life coach, I offer workshops, seminars, keynote speaking, and coaching geared towards achieving your personal growth through living a life of balance and total harmony. I have been featured on Fox 32 news, half post, WVON radio, I heart radio and blackdoctor.org. I have also been a guest on Outcome Health TV, and educational health TV network which airs in all 50 states of the US, including the University of Chicago, Kaiser Permanente, and Stanford University. I am here to help you be the best version of yourself and create the life you want without sacrificing your health, happiness, peace of mind, or prosperity. When I am not working, I like to read, travel, and dance. One weird factoid about me is that I love to watch superhero series, movies, and even cartoons! Anything with a superhero will pique my interest. I am married with two daughters, and I live in Chicago, Illinois.
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What are 3 tips you can give for Physician Heal Yourself? 1. If you are suffering burnout, it is not your fault. 2. Setting boundaries and time management are essential to a balanced life 3. Self-care is a priority, but you need a support system to help you in your selfcare goals How does your book tie back to your business Balance with Dr. Shola? Balance With Dr. Shola is all about personal development and growth. Physician Heal Yourself is “next level” personal development, aimed at a group of people (doctors) who tend to put patient care above their own personal needs. Physician Heal Yourself gives doctors permission to focus on their own well-being, because: Saving the lives of others should not cost you your own. What are 2 benefits from working with you “Balance with Dr. Shola? 1. With me, you will develop the can-do mindset to create the life that you want to be backed up with… 2. The strategies to do this without stress, anxiety, or burnout. What is next for you, and how can readers contact you to learn more about you? My little piece of the Internet is sholaezeokoli.com. From there, one can find links to all my other social media pages; send me an email; invite me to speak, or get on my schedule to work with me. In the coming months, She will be hosting events, launching her Physician Heal Yourself video course, and booking speaking engagements. Dr. Ezeokoli has written several books, appeared on radio broadcasts, television, and continues to deliver pertinent information geared toward creating the perfect work-life balance. In her own awakening, she has now devoted her life to helping others who struggle with living a harmonious and fulfilling life. Visit her website to learn more about her an pick up your copy of her latest book.
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Kimberly R. Jasper
Advocate against Domestic Abuse
8 Signs That you are in an Abusive Relationship
Feature Photo credit: https://aapci.org/site/serenity-house-an-apartment-with-a-view/
Perhaps, one of the most painful aspects of being in an abusive relationship is realizing that you were tricked into it. No one walks into a relationship with the notion of being abused. Abusive relationships never start out with a black eye or busted lip; they begin just like any other relationship. It often seems too good to be true, and it is. Your partner is slowly grooming you for abuse, starting with subtly blaming you for things beyond your control and being sure to point out your faults while ignoring their own. This will eventually evolve into full-blown verbal abuse before you realize it, and begin the breakdown of your self-esteem. You may even think the two of you are just experiencing “growing pains” in your relationship, but it’s much more sinister than that. An abuser uses predatory and manipulative tactics to draw you into their trap, locking you in a vicious cycle that you will find hard to escape.
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The trauma suffered in an abusive relationship gradually continues to increase over time. It drains you of your self-worth and alienates you from your support system, leaving you feeling trapped, alone, and miserable. The signs are often missed because it can be difficult to comprehend that someone you love, and who claims to love you in return, could victimize you in such a malicious way. Here are eight signs that you are in an abusive relationship. HUMILIATION Humiliation as a form of abuse that may start out with subtle jabs or insults in private and then becomes public embarrassment without cause or provocation. It doesn’t take much for an abuser to get angry; anything can trigger an outburst. They will get agitated and attack for the smallest reason, convincing you that you’re the one to blame. This type of humiliation is meant to make you submissive, and to control you in front of others if they know that their public outbursts will make you give in to their demands. It will become more frequent and more degrading as time passes. Your abuser does not have the same boundaries as you do, so fighting back only makes it even more of a public spectacle, giving them more power. They have no shame or humility. Therefore, they are empowered by publicly humiliating you. VERBAL INSULTS This is an escalation of humiliation. You or your partner may lose your cool in an argument, but that never excuses name calling or excessive foul language. Verbal abuse ranges from negatively criticizing your looks, your intelligence, and your worth to simply the programs you choose to watch or the clothes you wear. It is likely that you actually look very good in whatever you’re wearing, and that could trigger insecurity or jealousy in your partner who will begin to criticize and pick you apart. A verbal insult may not always include foul language, but it doesn’t make it any less foul or harmless. There is a mean spirit behind the connotation of a sentence even as simple as, “Why do you always have to dress like that?” The main purpose of verbal abuse is to systematically break you down. Over time it will wear away your self-esteem so that you’re either compliant or
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worse, you begin to criticize yourself before your partner even has to. If unchecked, it will escalate until you begin to believe every insult hurled at you. Most abusers use verbal abuse as their primary tool to keep you in line. Your partner will begin to treat you more like a misbehaved child than an adult in the relationship, yelling and disciplining you as they demean and point out your faults, real or imagined. However, if you try to correct them, get ready for a seriously defensive and angry backlash. Verbal abusers use this as a sparring match, and they are just warming up for the big fight. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR An abuser has a need to maintain control at all times. The strategy is to alienate you from everyone, making themselves your only lifeline. The further they can manage to get you away from your support system, the more dependent you become on them, and the more access they have to abuse you without any interference. The ultimate goal is to leave you completely defenseless that way, your friends and family won’t recognize the signs of abuse or be able to come to your aid. Remember, abusers, are extremely crafty and charismatic. Your friends and family will never know who your partner is behind closed doors, and that is the goal. That way, when you call for help, your support system can be easily manipulated into thinking you’ve got it all wrong or that you’re blowing things out of proportion. At first, it seemed that your partner was just really invested in your life and your decisions, it may have been presented as concern or assistance. In time, it will spiral into total control of your life, and every decision you make will be overridden by them. MANIPULATION Abusers are skilled at manipulation. So much so that they actually convince their partners that their physical or verbal outbursts are the result of misbehavior on their part. The aim is to make you doubt yourself and your self-worth as a good person. That’s why most victims of abuse continue to excuse or forgive their partner’s cruel behavior. We have to remember that if you can detect it, then it’s not manipulation. Manipulation is the skillful or artful management of one’s mind and emotions. If they want you to think
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something, you will. If they want you to believe something, you will. They can even make you think it’s your idea, by injecting it in every conversation, television program, newspaper, any type of communication they allow will subliminally carry their message until it becomes your own. Take a note from the movie Focus, starring Will Smith. Watch how they imprint the idea of a certain number in the subject’s mind until he finally calls it out himself, thinking it was his own choice. It wasn’t. That’s how manipulation works. It doesn’t work until your partner’s will becomes yours without you even knowing it. They can even manipulate you into thinking that they’re the best partner for you, no one else loves you the way they do, and that you are totally dependent on them. You can bet if you choose to stay with an abusive partner that you’ll also be blamed for anything that goes wrong in their lives. An abusive lover will never accept personal blame for anything; they are masters at turning things around on their partners so that they never assume any guilt. They are simply incapable of accepting responsibility for anything. Period. ALIENATING YOU FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY An abuser knows that they won’t get away with mistreating you if you have supportive friends and family in the picture to challenge their behavior. That’s why they will slowly try to convince you that others don’t appreciate you or value your relationship. They will continue to convince you that no one understands them the way you do and you will find yourself constantly trying to convince them otherwise. They will convince you that your friends and family are actually the ones trying to manipulate you, and in some cases, they will succeed. You will find your relationships deteriorating and your loved ones growing distant, purposely being driven away by your partner. And you will be blind to it. Your partner will have your mind twisted to think that your friends and family are the ones being distant, and it’s all part of your abuser’s divisive plan. But no matter how manipulative and cunning your partner may be, the charm is deceptive, and someone will eventually catch on. The aim is for the abuser to make sure that when they do, they will no longer be close enough to you to issue a warning. This distance can be geographical or psychological. They will drive a wedge between you and
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those closest to you, and inject discord and mistrust into what was once a stable relationship between you and your family. They will also try to change your geographical location by moving you far away from your support system. Soon you will lose all sense of yourself and only have your partner left for guidance and support. What better way to control your every move, right? CALCULATED OUTBURSTS The word “calculated” should not be taken lightly. By definition, it means, carefully thought out or planned. These outbursts are calculated in a way that benefits their agenda to keep you under control. It is also designed to refute any claims you may make against them easily. No one can corroborate what they did not witness, which is why your partner only demeans you, yells at you, or gets physical with you in private. They will try to convince you that they have no control over their violent or verbally abusive behavior but seem to be perfectly able to control themselves in public or in front of others. This is a divisive tactic to put themselves in a better position to manipulate the situation and turn it back on you. Before you know it, you are sucked into a vicious cycle of outbursts and apologies. Each time is promised to be the last time, but it never is. Each time just leads right to the next time, and so on. Angry outbursts or “rages” may seem impulsive or out of control, but they are essentially the design of a dominant abuser to distract you. If you’re too busy managing outbursts, you are unable to see what’s really happening. You won’t notice the control you’ve given up, the freedom that was stolen. By the time you look up, it’s already too late, and you’re on to the next phase. UNPREDICTABLE MOOD SWINGS The mood swings of an abuser can be on opposite sides of the spectrum; they can go from pleasant to total rage in a matter of seconds without even being provoked. This extremely unpredictable behavior is exclusively aimed at you, and anyone else they know will not challenge them. Most abusers are cowards. They use manipulative tactics like this to deflect attention from the fact that they are weak. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics. This is not a tool used
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from a position of power, but of weakness. An explosive temper with a hair-pin trigger is aimed to control and render you submissive, even if only for the moment. Each moment is stretched longer and longer until it becomes a natural response for you to shut down on command.
This veiled hostility is an abusive method where the objective is to
overpower you. You may not even realize that you’re being intimidated because a lot of people don’t know that intimidation is often separate from fear. You may believe that just because you are not afraid of your partner, you’re not intimidated, but this is another huge red flag of what is to come. PHYSICAL VIOLENCE This is another escalation of the grooming process. Now you are beginning to walk on eggshells, trying not to say or do anything that will trigger your partner’s rage. At this point, anything can set them off. As I stated previously, physical abuse almost never starts with a closed fist and a busted lip.
Abusers typically begin subtly with an
intimidating stance, fists balled, a hand raised, grabbing you by the arm or neck, or maybe even a quick slap to get your attention. The first one is never meant to inflict harm, just to intimidate you into submission. You may feel afraid that if you don’t do what is demanded, then there will be more abuse to come. And there always is, even if you comply every time. Especially if you comply. Once physically hit, no matter how slight, it always graduates to more severe slaps, chokes, grabs, and even punches. You cannot threaten your way out of this stage, nor can you simply fight back. It does not deter an abuser; it only fuels the fire. The moment you raise your hand, know that you have marked yourself for peril. Abusers know that it takes time to break you down to convince you somehow that you provoked the attack and deserve the abuse. Once it escalates physically, the only way out is to leave. Hopefully, by this time, you have an exit plan. This plan must include logs, pictures of the abuse, and hard evidence for the police. An exit plan is extremely important because your attacker has been plotting on you from the beginning, and they also have a plan in place. Make sure that you are somewhere safe and that a report is filed and
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followed up by the police because there is no margin for error, at this point, your life is in danger. Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behaviors perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. Domestic violence is often accompanied by emotionally abusive and controlling behavior, and this is part of a systematic pattern of dominance and control. Domestic violence results in physical injury, psychological trauma, and often, death. I am not just an advocate against domestic violence; I am a survivor. I wish that I had been given these signs BEFORE I entered into a marriage with a man that would become a violent danger to my life, health, and mental well-being. I missed all 8 of these signs and more because I did not know they were signs. I took each one as an isolated incident, not seeing the big picture that was so masterfully hidden from me as it escalated from one stage to the next. Abusers are master manipulators, do not be fooled by grand gestures, apologies, or seemingly sincere remorse. This personality type is not easily rehabilitated except through intense psychotherapy and counseling; you are not equipped to help or change them in any way. If you are in a relationship with anyone that displays more than three of these signs at any given time, get out immediately, your life is in danger. It only continues to escalate until you find yourself running for your life, or worse. GET HELP TODAY Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233.
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DARCELL Rising Indie Artist by Mia Thomas Darcell is a singer, songwriter, musician, and producer born in Dallas, Texas. He began singing and acting on stage in church and school when he was only five years old. As a young child, Darcell’s grandmother taught him to play the piano within a few hours. Darcell knew very early in his life that he wanted his music to affect the world. We take a journey into Darcell’s world to get to know more about him and his latest music “All I Want” and projects coming later this year. Hear why his fans have given him the title “The King of Independent Music. He is a rising indie musical artist who has sold over 100,000 copies of his self-titled album. Tell us a little about the man behind the musician One of the things I like doing at home is being a goofball. I like making ugly faces, laughing as much as possible, and my all-time favorite is singing off key. I’ve been known to do a mini-set sounding like someone’s drunk grandfather; I love it! I like to keep it light at home. My biggest responsibility to my wife and two young children is to make sure they don’t feel the weight of this industry can sometimes impose. I am naturally both alpha dog and love bug my family needs me to be the latter more often than not, and I’m happy to be whatever they need. As far as a hobby, I like to hoop. I’ve been hoping to run into Kobe or Lebron out here in LA so I could show them what’s up, but I think they’ve both been avoiding me LOL. What inspired the song “All I Want”? All I Want came out of nowhere. I was at the house chilling playing guitar, and the song literally introduced itself to me wrapped in a melody. Moments later, I was singing it. Honestly, I didn’t have time to think as the lyrics poured like a waterfall. Immediately, I knew it was a gift from God to me, and I am extremely grateful. The best part is, now I get to share this gift with everyone else. Is there a message with this song you like your audiences to feel or get? Yes, when you love someone let them know. Do you write all of your music or collaborate with others?
Recently, I’ve been writing on my own, mainly because for me, the process is therapeutic. I have collaborated in the past, and I’m sure I will again. Whenever I do, it will have to happen organically. If you could compare your music style with an artist from today (new school) and yesterday (old school), who would they be?
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It is extremely difficult for me to compare myself to anyone in the game today. No doubt there are many incredible artists out here. I personally see so much uniqueness I wouldn’t want to do a disservice to anyone by comparing. As far as someone from the past I would say, when I listen to my recent music, it reminds me more of Michael Jackson than anyone. The fun-loving vibe within the music is something I believe we have in common. Who inspires you in music? Beyoncé and Jay-Z inspire me as much as anyone. They both do what they do unapologetically. Also, they manage to keep their family intact with all the demands this business can bring, to me, that’s incredible. I’m also inspired by Ed Sheeran. For a dude to walk out on stage with jeans and a t-shirt, with no smoke and mirrors and have the biggest tour of the year is pretty cool. Is there anyone in the music industry that you would be honored to collaborate with either singing or writing? Absolutely, Bruno comes to mind. I wouldn’t mind adding a different sauce to the recipe. Fantasia would be cool to sing with; she would make me use parts of my voice I seldom do when I write songs these days. Neyo is another person I would love to write with. He is an incredible writer, and I’d like to witness his approach; iron sharpens iron. What’s next for you?
Right now, I’m in production for my new web series: DARCELL My Life which airs on Youtube every Thursday @7:30 pm CST. Of course, I’m promoting All I Want, and I’m in the studio producing my next project: Hello There World which I’m releasing this fall. I look forward to taking my show on the road to everyone. His new single “All I want” is available across streaming channels like iTunes,Spotify, google play. Follow Darcell on social media to stay up with his music and projects.
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Books for Kids
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Book Review: Becoming by Michelle Obama by Dorothy Peaple
I’ve recently finished reading Michelle Obama’s memoir entitled ‘Becoming,’ which takes readers on a journey with her from her childhood on the South Side of Chicago all the way through to being the First Lady of the United States. The book came out in November of 2018 and is about 400 pages long, but its style is so conversational that it doesn’t seem like a long read. She has written her memoir in such a way that it is deeply personal, and yet it is compelling and inspiring. ‘Becoming’ is written with such honesty and candor about the ups and downs, the joys and triumphs of her public and private life. The memoir begins with her childhood on the South Side of Chicago and is told in such a visually descriptive style that I found myself easily envisioning that time in her life. Her time at Princeton and Harvard is very interesting as readers get to see her maturing into a young woman and going forward with her goals and ultimately her career. And of course, it was amazing to read about her path in life crossing with her future husband, Barack Obama. She goes on further in the book to talk about her time in the White House and the challenges that she faced in that role while trying to raise two young daughters. It’s very intriguing to get a glimpse inside Michelle Obama’s life since all that we have been privy to up until now was what we could see when she was out in public, living her life and representing us as First Lady on the world stage. This is one of the things which I loved so much about this book. Often we only see the “finished product” of a person’s successful life, but we rarely get a glimpse into how they got to where they are and how much blood, sweat and tears it took to become the person we see standing before us in all their glory. Many of us admire and celebrate Michelle Obama as this incredible woman that she is, but she worked very hard to become this amazing woman we see before us. As I read ‘Becoming,’ I kept thinking about how integral her loving family was in helping her feel supported and free to strive to be her best. Her parents and brother surrounded her with the love and support that she needed. They created this fertile soil in which Michelle was able to grow and thrive as a young Black woman, and she has carried that with her as she and President Obama have raised their daughters. It reminds me of what
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the actress Regina King said a few months ago, in part of her Oscar acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress at the 2019 Academy Awards.
Regina said: “... it’s appropriate for me to be standing here because I’m an example of what it looks like when support and love is poured into someone.” This is the kind of support which Michelle was surrounded by as she went out into the world to make her way, starting from elementary school she was given wings to fly. She was able to grow into an amazing woman who has lighted the way for so many. ‘Becoming’ is a truly wonderful book that I will refer back to from time to time, and it will be a continual source of inspiration always.
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