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Great Books for Kids!
Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble Visit book series website at www.Deceitfulsecrets.com Fountain Library Bolingbrook, IL White Oak Library, Crest Hill, IL Deceitful Secrets Series: Truth & Lies coming soon Will the truth come out about Taylor’s past? Will the two brothers destroy their bond? Who is Taylor pregnant by?
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F r o m O u r E d i t o r s Inside this edition, we salute the women brave enough to share their stories like author Natresha Dawson on Sexual Harassment in Government. It's more than the #MeToo Movement. Women are standing up against their abusers. Then meet Chicago's very own Terisa Griffin as she is Doing Things Her Way! She is talented singer, actress, and producers. A Woman with many gifts and talents. Get your expert advice in Mental Health with Dr. Evans and newly added expert Attorney Pillara Henderson-Smith on Building Wealth. She will have informative information on the necessities every family should have, Wills, Life Insurance, Living Trust, and so much more. Get your pen and note pad ready. Our team has some heartfelt stories to share from dealing with trauma, domestic violence, and self care. Our Best, Sistah's Place Follow us on social media. Twitter: @sistahsplace2 IG: @sistahsplace Get Inspired, empowered, and entertained. Layout by Tia Thomson Sr. Editors: Carmen Elle Shauntae White Associate Editor Debra Lynn Thomas
SISTAH'S PLACE MAGAZINE
CONTENTS INSPIRATION & ENTERTAINMENT
05 FROM OUR EDITORS
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Note from the team
11 DR. BARBARA EVANS
Mental Health Expert: Help! I am in a Toxic Relationship
14 SELENA HASKIN
Breast Cancer Awareness: Your Intution can save your life
17 TERISA GRIFFIN COVER FEATURE BY MARCIE HILL
21 NATRESHA DAWSON -AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT BY MARCIE HILL Exposing Sexual Harassment In Federal Government
TERISA GRIFFIN
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23 KIMBERLY R. JASPER
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PILLARA HENDERSONSMITH Building Wealth Expert
DR. BARBARA EVANS Mental Health Expert
Part 1- 3 Signs You are Dating an Narcissists
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NATRESHA DAWSON Author Spotlight: Don't Resign- A Woman's Right in a Man's World
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C O N T R I B U TO R S Dr. Barbara Evans, EdD, LCPC Mental Health Expert FB: Better Days with Barbie IG: drbarbe Marcie Hill Freelance writer/Blogger/Author Twitter: @Marciewrites Building Wealth Expert Pillara Henderson-Smith hendersonsmithlaw.com Selena Haskins Author & Blogger Twitter/IG: @BooksbySelena Kimberly R. Jasper Freelance Writer/Author IG: @krjasperwrites Facebook: Author Kimberley R. Jasper
Cover Design by Tyrone Oshantha
Sistah's Place website www.sistahsplace.com
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Why Do I Need a Will? By Pillara Henderson-Smith
No one wants to intentionally cause their loved ones’ stress or add chaos to their lives, however, that is exactly what happens when a person dies without a will. A will gives the ability to bring a sense of peace through the changes that accompany death with a little preparation and forethought. Yet, as a Human resource professional, the number one question that I receive is, “Why do I need a will?”. The general reasons are, a will allows you to decide upon your death: Who will care for your minor child or disabled adult child, who gets your money, who gets your property or possessions, and Who will make sure your money and possessions are distributed the way you desire. When a person dies with a will it is considered Testate. Meaning this person created a valid custom plan based on their decisions prior to their death. Creating a will consists of five major parts. The first, is naming an Executor. This is the person appointed to carry out the terms of the will. Second, is naming a Guardian of a minor child or disabled child. A guardian should be someone who possesses the values, personality traits and lifestyle elements that are of the most importance to you when it comes to raising your child. This is the person who cares for the child’s daily needs as well as manages and safeguards the child’s property and money. Third, is writing down a full inventory consisting of: Money, such as checking, savings, investments, etc. Property, to the effect of real estate, household goods, jewelry, etc., and debts, such as a mortgage, car payments, student loans, etc... This allows a person to clearly see their assets and liabilities and thereby adequately plan how to pay off their debts and have money and property remaining to gift. It also allows a person to decide, without limits, who should receive the gifts and how much money or property the gifts should consist of. It is through these gifts that the beneficiary can begin to obtain a measure of financial stability and a legacy of generational wealth can begin.
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Fourth, a person can give detailed instructions on donating their organs, their funeral and burial, or cremation and scattering of their remains. Fifth, with a will, a person has the ability to reduce the cost of probate (the court proceedings to administer a person’s will) by limiting the courts involvement and oversight by directing independent administration by the executor and by waiving the requirement of a Surety Bond, which is a financial obligation of two times the value of the deceased person’s property and money. In order to be a valid will, there are formalities that must be followed. A will must be: 1) in writing, 2) the creator must be a person of sound mind, 3) there must be no undue influence, 4) the will must be signed and dated while in the presence of two disinterested witnesses who are age 18 or older. The number two question that I receive is, “What happens if I don’t have a Will?” The surprising answer is, everyone has a death plan, it just may not be the plan that you want. When a person dies without a will, it is called intestate. Unlike when a person dies testate and makes a custom plan, each state has enacted statutes called, Intestacy Laws, that will provide for the management and distribution of a person’s property and money upon death. For example, Illinois’ intestacy laws direct any outstanding debt and/or taxes of the deceased person are paid prior to making any distributions. It’s plan of distribution begins with: (a) If there is a surviving spouse and children; 1/2 of the entire estate will go to the surviving spouse and 1/2 equally divided among the deceased person’s children. (b) If there is no surviving spouse but children, the entire estate is equally divided among the surviving children. (c) If there is a surviving spouse but no surviving children, the entire estate goes to the surviving spouse. (d) If there is no surviving spouse or surviving children but a parent, brother, sister or child of a brother or sister of the deceased person, the entire estate goes to the parents, brothers and sisters in equal parts, allowing to the surviving parent if one is dead a double portion… and so on. Note that the state’s plan does not allow for a distribution to a long-time partner, non-biological child, a friend or organization. Furthermore, any interested person may petition the court to be the Administrator. This is the person appointed to manage and distribute the property. It also requires Probate with complete court involvement and over site and the surety bond. So, the question is what do you want the change to look like at your death? If you want peace of mind, financial security, and the possibility to create generational wealth, contact Pillara Henderson-Smith for your estate planning needs at pillara@hendersonsmithlaw.com.
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Help! I am in a Toxic Relationship By Barbara E vans, EdD, LCPC
www.Barbeface2face.com Megan and Dave have been dating for 6 months. Things have been going well. They appear to be very compatible as they enjoy many of the same interests and community causes. Their conversation has always been effortless, and they have good physical chemistry between them. Seemingly, this has all the makings of a great relationship. Lately, however, Dave has become increasingly critical of Megan, criticizing her outfits, her weight and even how she wears her hair. When he gets upset or doesn’t get his way, he withholds affection from her, using affection as a bargaining chip to get what he wants. Often, he acts mad at Megan while refusing to tell her why he is upset, giving her the silent treatment. Like the story of Megan and Dave, many of us have had the experience of letting someone get close to us and then later regretting it. Often-times people don’t realize that the quality of their relationships can be just as toxic to their health as fast food or a toxic environment. In fact, unhealthy relationships can turn into exactly that, a toxic internal environment leading to stress, depression, anxiety, and even medical problems. Toxic relationships are defined as any relationship between people who don’t support each other where there’s conflict and one seek to undermine the other; where there’s competition, disrespect, and a lack of cohesiveness. Toxic relationships are not just limited to our romantic partnerships; a person can have a damaging relationship with a friend, a co-worker, a family member or even a professional.
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Toxic relationships are consistently unpleasant and draining for the people in it to the point that negative moments outweigh and outnumber the positive ones. Toxic relationships are mentally, emotionally and possibly even physically damaging to one or both participants. No relationship, of course, is blissful and conflict-free all the time. Very few of us are trained to diagnose other people, however, we are well equipped to notice other people’s impact on us. All it takes is for us to trust our gut reactions and pay close attention to how we actually feel when we are with people. How do you know if you’re in a toxic relationship? Well, in many cases, the warning signs are subtle but here’s what you can look out for: *Persistent unhappiness- the relationship stops bringing you joy. Instead, you are consistently sad, angry or anxious. When you leave their company, you feel drained and exhausted. *Negative shifts in your mental health, personality or self-esteem are all red flags. You constantly feel nervous or uncomfortable, feeling as if you are walking on eggshells and you can’t talk with or voice concerns to your partner. You begin to feel inadequate, boring, discouraged, ugly, stupid, ashamed, or otherwise bad about yourself. This is a sign of toxicity and that something is amiss. The hardest part is in recognizing that you are in a toxic relationship but once you do, you can begin to take steps to make changes. You have to believe that you deserve to be treated with love, respect, and compassion. This type of thinking may be difficult for those suffering from low self-esteem and who may believe they don’t deserve anything better. Support from a professional such as a therapist or life coach may be required. Finally, if nothing you do or say changes the toxic behavior, consider separating or distancing yourself from the source of toxicity. Getting to the root of the problem is important but sometimes the answer may be to just walk away. Remember, love should not cost you your peace, joy, or happiness. If it does, something has to change. If you are currently in a toxic relationship and would like support, contact me at Barbeface2face.com. References • The Hidden Health Hazards of Toxic Relationships. Sherrie Bourg Carter Psy.D, 2011 • How To Tell If You’re In a Toxic Relationship-And What To Do About It. Jamie Ducharme, 2018. • How to Avoid Toxic Relationships. Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D., 2018
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Your Intuition Can Save Your Life By Selena Haskins
The medical field has improved tremendously over the years. Science has saved many lives due to recent medications and life-saving procedures that leave patients with fewer side effects in times past. The advancement of treatments, thanks to education and monetary resources to perform research, can save many lives today. However, did you know that you are your best doctor for pretreatment? Let’s face it, whenever we make an appointment with our doctors, he or she with see us only for a few minutes, but we live with ourselves every day. We know what is normal for us and what is not normal for us. The doctor does not live with you 24-hours a day. They can only treat you based on the information they gather from YOU or by examining you. This is why it’s so important to take care of ourselves and to learn and understand our bodies. Self-care is one of the best ways to live a healthy life. If you are a person in tune with not only your physical health but mental health, then when something changes, your radars will go off. Granted, we don’t have to be hypochondriacs when it comes to our health, but we should never ignore signs that can be alarming. Recently, a friend of mine had a mammogram, and it came back normal, but just three months later, she felt what she thought was a lump in her breast. She contacted her doctor her had given her a referral when she had her mammogram done and explained that she needed another one and perhaps a sonogram too. The doctor refused to write a script for her to be seen again, ‘you are fine.
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You just had a mammogram,’ the doctor said to her. Despite her family history of breast cancer, the doctor did not write a script. She did not give up, she went to her GYN doctor, and explained the situation, and the GYN wrote her RX Script to be re-evaluated. Thankfully for my friend, it turned out to be a cyst that was benign. Another friend of mine complained of rapid heartbeat even without strenuous exercise. She saw three cardiologists who all ran tests and told her she pretty much had anxiety or was stressed and needed to relax. She did not give up. She went back to her last Cardio doctor and demanded a complete blood test, no matter the cost. The results, unfortunately, didn’t turn out in her favor, but she had a diagnosis of hyperthyroidism. Although she was unaware of this and completely shocked, she was happy to at least had a diagnosis so that she could receive proper treatment. She is now doing well. A third friend of mine chose to ignore her symptoms, and sadly, she’s no longer with us. I learned valuable lessons vicariously through my friends, don’t ignore warning signs regarding your health, and don’t give up in finding the right doctor to help you. Although medicine has advanced, and doctors have become more knowledgeable, they are still human and make mistakes. Don’t allow a doctor to downplay your symptoms because it’s not written in a textbook, insist on tests, and sometimes you have to insist on retest or additional medical tests. YOU are your first doctor. Your intuition can save your life.
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Terisa Griffin Doing Things Her Way by Marcie Hill
Terisa “The Empress of Soul” Griffin is a multi-talented artist and one of Chicago’s biggest secrets. Although she’s mostly known for her vocals, she’s an actress, song writer, producer, entrepreneur and philanthropist. She started singing at age three at her dad’s church with her oldest sister, Mary. In 1995, Terisa came to Chicago to pursue of dream of singing. She had a slow start but her career really took off when she performed at an event for Jerry “Ice Man” Butler. She became a background singer in the Butler Review and he became her mentor After that, doors of opportunity really began to open. Terisa sang background for Diana Ross on The Oprah Winfrey Show. “It was a great moment in my life to be on Oprah and to sing with Diana as a background singer and have her pass me the mic!” She has also opened concerts for some of biggest names in jazz and R&B music, including The O’Jays, Patti LaBelle, Will Downing and Musiq SoulChild. When asked how she was selected to open for these performers, Terisa replied, “My God and my talent has always made a way for me. If you create a following and deliver when you perform, you will get hired. You just have to believe in yourself and constantly network, as well as sharpen your tools in the game.” Today, she sings her unique style of jazz, R&B and house music for local, national and international audiences.
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Terisa has also performed on stage and on screen as an actress. Playing the character Mikado in “Three Little Maids from School” in college was her first acting gig, leading her to Hill Harper’s movie “The Truth”; which she also wrote the title song, “Can’t Stop Loving You.”. In addition, she has performed several one-woman shows in honor of her favorite artists, including Aretha Franklin, Tina Turner, Josephine Baker, and Lena Horne. To stretch her creativity even farther, she’s currently writing a script for a movie slated to start filming in 2022. In 2001, Terisa founded My Naked Soul Productions because she wanted the freedom and control to create her way. “Labels are restrictive and my musical journey should not be labeled!” She also wanted to produce music and perform shows under one umbrella. She has successfully produced three albums while writing, producing, and starting in three one-woman show productions, and is working on another one. “Right now, I’m getting ready for my tribute to Mahalia Jackson and Aretha Franklin which includes Franklin’s band; musical director, Fred Nelson; and longtime pianist, Richard Gibbs.” Of all of her accomplishments, her nonprofit foundation, Better Love Yourself, is her proudest. “This non-profit organization was created in 2007 to develop the road map for young adults to master the art of loving and caring for themselves.” She blesses students going off to college for the first time with trunks filled with things they’ll need. “I want them to wrap themselves in our comforter of love and give them the pearls of knowledge that no one gave me.” She has given trunks to over 2500 students in several states. Never one to disappoint, Terisa’s newest CD, “Revival of Soul”, will hit stores on November 6th. “I wanted to do an unapologetic, soul R&B CD. I didn’t want to think about whether radio would play it...The sensual, soulful, sizzling songs are a testament to soul music.” Her CD is further proof that Terisa is doing things her way.
September 12-15 Terisa Griffin Lucious Ladies Vegas Birthday Bash Weekend September 19th New York Fashion Week October 12 Pride San Juan October 13 Tracy Williams October 19th Jefferson Missouri, Presidents, Gala October 26th 6-9pm Beloved Community Family Wellness Center November 8th City Winery Chicago
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Author Feature Natresha Dawson Exposing Sexual Harassment in Federal Government by Marcie Hill
Sexual harassment is an equal opportunity attacker. It does not care about a person’s age, race, color, creed, social or economic status, financial portfolio or religious preference as we have seen and read in recent news stories. In fact, this inhumane act impacts people at all levels in the organization of all industries. But there is one sector that’s still under the radar though the practice is rampant: the federal government. Author and public servant Natresha Dawson takes readers behind the closed doors of the federal government, our nation’s top employer, to shine a light on the challenges women encounter when exposing sexual harassment in the public sector in her book Don’t Resign: A Woman’s Right in a Man’s World. Her book is written from her personal experience. “My experience was completely horrible. The supervisor misused my security clearance to stalk me into a stairwell that he knew I frequented….” He also stalked her outside of work. When she refused to go out with him, he played the race card. He relayed language that said, “‘the sight of black people turns his stomach” while segregating blacks from whites in an area called "Mahogany Row" in a federal agency, the Office of Special Counsel, an agency charged with a mission to protect and govern our beautiful country's public policy and safety.
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In addition to enduring harassment, Natresha notes, “women are treated even more cruelly once they’ve reported their harassment. The mistreatment and malicious retaliation can stem from anything like name-calling to wrongful termination. In most cases, women will be forced out their positions due to sexual harassment.” A Marketplace-Edison Research Poll reports that “nearly half of the women who experienced sexual harassment leave their jobs or switch careers.” Natresha wanted peace. She tried transferring to another department but learned that she was being stopped. When that didn’t work, she considered resigning but realized, resigning under her circumstances was not a resolution because the supervisor continued stalking her inside and outside of the agency. To add even more insult to this emotional trauma the “good-ole-boy network” in the court system mishandles sexual harassment cases concerning women. Natresha’s case has been going on since 2005 - almost 15 years – with no resolution. “This was allowed to go on for so long because the judges handling my case colluded.” As a result of this horrendous experience, Natresha wrote her book to arm and encourage other women who have not yet experienced sexual harassment or who are in the midst of a legal battle. She says, “The title of the book, Don’t Resign, is a metaphor for saying ‘don’t give up; don’t lose hope; don’t get discouraged.’ Being embattled with sexual harassment in the workplace will make anyone want to give up just to avoid the pressure from it all.”
Don't Resign provides tips to help women navigate sexual harassment experiences as much as possible. “It is a matter of safety, of protecting yourself.” The book defines what sexual harassment is and give tips on when and how to report. Most importantly, it emphasizes how to keep yourself safe. “It's not solely about fighting for your rights; it is also about being safe and protected because sexual harassment can lead to death through either murder or suicide.” To learn more about Natresha’s sexual harassment experience and to gain tips on strategies on how to handle such situations, invest in Don’t Resign: A Woman’s Right in a Man’s World available on Amazon. https://dontresign.com/
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Kimberly R. Jasper
Advocate against Domestic Abuse
3 Signs That you are Dating a Narcissist
Feature Photo credit: http://www.pmldaily.com/features/2018/10/when-couples-separate-before-falling-in-love.html
Not to be confused with selfishness or conceit, Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition often characterized by an over-inflated sense of importance and entitlement, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, lack of empathy, and a history of troubled relationships. Everything is often on the extreme end for people suffering from NPD because narcissism falls on a spectrum. As is the case with most mental health or personality disorders, it isn’t as simple as black and white. According to the most recent edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, there are nine criteria for NPD that I will list at the end of this article, but someone only needs to meet five of them to be clinically qualified as a narcissist. Even knowing the “official” criteria won’t make it easy to spot a narcissist, especially when you’re dating one, but it will help to clear up any misconceptions you may have. If greater than 5 of these signs apply, I would urge you to carefully re-evaluate your relationship and assess whether or not it is healthy enough to proceed. Of course, it is usually better to obtain the diagnosis of a qualified expert to determine if someone has NPD, but in the meantime, here are three signs to determine that you are in a relationship with a narcissist.
THE CHARM IS GONE
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They were charming…in the beginning. It probably started off just like a fairy tale. They wined and dined you, said all the right things, then poof, there’s a pumpkin, mice and a glass slipper. People with NPD will try to manufacture an artificial connection early on, using what they’ve learned about you to manipulate the relationship in their favor. If you want a gentleman, guess what, they will be that for you. Want a more assertive guy? They can make that happen too. Whatever you think you want, they will manufacture for you. Remember that real love must be nurtured over time in order to truly grow. Yes, there is love at first sight, but it is usually only in hindsight that you realize it. If they know they love you within the first two dates, I would be skeptical if it’s truly genuine. Maybe they started out sending thoughtful texts throughout the day, dropped the “L” word within the first month, or maybe the compliments were plentiful. It could be a combination of all and more. But as soon as you do something they disapprove of, they turn on you, and you will have no idea why. It’s probably because it has nothing to do with anything you did or didn’t do. How narcissists treat you, or when they turn on you, has everything to do with their own thoughts and beliefs. From the moment they met you, they framed you and packaged you in a box, however unrealistic or unattainable, you are in that box and expected not to come out. They expect perfection from you while ignoring a litany of their own flaws. Once you disappoint someone with NPD is very hard, if not impossible to get back into their good graces, you are now marked with imperfection and they will treat you unfairly from that moment on. Meanwhile, you’re still waiting for the Prince Charming you met to return to you. He never will because he didn’t exist to begin with. CONTROLLING THE CONVERSATION Narcissists love to talk about themselves and their achievements with grandeur and excess. They feel as if they are better and smarter than everyone else, and it helps them create an appearance or character. Someone with NPD will often exaggerate their accomplishments and embellish their talents in order to gain adoration, and they fully believe they are telling the truth because of their inflated and over-exaggerated sense of self. They’re also much too busy talking about themselves to listen to anything you have to say, many instances just waiting for you to pause during the conversation so that they can continue to talk about themselves. On any given occasion, you could be sharing a personal experience with them and they will find a way to shift the focus on them. This is a two-fold issue. First, your partner is unwilling to stop talking about themselves, and secondly, they never truly engage in a conversation about you. Narcissists only seem super self-confident, but in reality, they are extremely insecure. According to most experts, people with NPD actually lack self-esteem. They require a lot of praise, and if you don’t give it to them, they’ll probe, prod, and fish until they get it. They will constantly look to you for accolades and compliments. The conversations are always one-sided, and they will not ask any follow-up questions or express interest in learning anything more about you than what they’ve made up in their mind. Every conversation, no matter how trivial, becomes about them and whatever issues they may or may not have. Narcissists use other people as a constant supply for their sense of self-worth, and to make them feel powerful.
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LACK OF EMPATHY Empathy requires a high degree of understanding of other people’s emotions, so to be empathic is to connect with a person on a deeper level. A level that someone with NPD is simply incapable of ever reaching. Lack of empathy, or the inability to feel or even consider how another person may be feeling, is one of the main characteristics of a narcissist. They lack the basic skill of making a person feel validated, understood, or accepted because they cannot grasp the concept of feelings beyond their own. They don’t care when you’ve had a bad day at work unless it directly affects them. This inability to empathize, or even sympathize, is often the reason why many, if not all, narcissists’ relationships eventually collapse, whether they’re romantic or not. Which leads right to the next factor about a narcissist. There is a total inability to sustain relationships of any kind. Read more from Kimberly R. Jasper as she gives five more signs of an Narcissists on Sistah's Place website at www.sistahsplace.com
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