South Florida Parenting Anti-Bullying Guide 2016

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Children need parents to listen, not try to fix them Orlando schools monitoring students' social media The Bystander: A Bully’s silent accomplice Martial Arts master teaches bully avoidance

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Standing up: Kids need to fight their own battles Tips for helping children cope Study: Zero-tolerance programs don't work

Serving Miami-Dade, Broward and Palm Beach counties The mission of South Florida Parenting is to be the most valuable source of parenting information and local resources for families in South Florida. We are committed to enhancing the lives of families by maintaining excellence in editorial content, presenting high-quality events and encouraging community awareness.

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Children need to be heard, not fixed

BY MICHELLE ICARD

“My daughter’s best friend has started being mean to her at school. What should I do?”

“My son is clearly upset, but he won’t tell me what happened at school. What do I say to him?”

If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, you’ve probably wrestled with a similar scenario. Parenting a young adult is difficult, in part, because as kids get older, the problems they face get harder, and we feel less effective in our attempts to help them.

I’ve learned over time to change my approach.

I can’t be the wrench that pries information from my kids, or the hammer that pounds the lessons into place. Instead, I am the sponge that sits, often overlooked but ready to help absorb some of their discomfort and pain.

Imagine that at the end of a hard day I complain to my husband: “I was late for my meeting today.

The dog wouldn’t come back inside so I was already running behind, and then I finally got on Providence Road, and it was completely backed up. I had to walk in 20 minutes late to the meeting, and it was so embarrassing.”

Now imagine my husband saying to me: “Providence Road is always backed up in the morning.

Next time take Randolph, and you’ll save 10 minutes.”

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“Boom, problem solved!” he thinks. In a way, that’s helpful. At least, it’s trying to be helpful.

But, ugh! It’s really not helpful.

I wasn’t asking for driving directions. I was just hoping for empathy. I wanted him to say: “That really stinks. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll bring you a beer?” For some gold-medal partnering, he’d follow up with, “And then you can tell me how it went when you got there.”

When we make ourselves vulnerable enough to tell someone about an embarrassing or painful experience, we want to feel validated. We want our emotions to be recognized.

As do tweens and teens.

If your child lets you know something is wrong, whether that’s by telling you directly or by huffing and puffing around until you read his mind, the first thing you should do is feel a little sorry for him.

“That must be hard.”

“That sounds upsetting.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

All of these simple statements are good ways to show your child that you empathize with his experience. And that is a good way to let him know that you can be trusted with his more fragile

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feelings.

But then what?

Many of us may be pulling on a tiny thread from just a piece of a story. We don’t have a lot to work with. This may be because your child hasn’t figured out exactly what is wrong. She’s also processing mixed emotions and confusing circumstances: Was her friend being rude to her? Were those kids laughing at her behind her back?

The problem isn’t always cut and dry, and the solution isn’t always clear or precise.

Instead of groping around for a fix, ask your child: Do you want to talk about it, or do you just want me to sit by you?

There is relief for your child in knowing she doesn’t have to identify the problem and find the right solution. This isn’t math class; home should be a place where confusion is an acceptable state of mind and the pressure is off to always get the answer right.

This isn’t just my opinion. I host a conference a few times a year for girls going into middle school and their moms. At one point, the girls break out to talk about friends and frenemies in middle school, while their moms stay behind. When the girls rejoin us, they share their lists of what they would like their moms to do when they face trouble with friends.

Along with the long list of Don’ts (DON’T call the other parent, DON’T talk about it on Facebook, DON’T tell me it’s not a big deal, DON’T make it a bigger deal than it is) are always the same two Do’s: “DO ask me if I want to talk about it,” and “DO spend special time with me where we don’t have to talk about it.” Whether it’s baking cookies, painting nails or watching TV together, the girls want companionship without judgment and support without the pressure to learn a lesson.

Whether your child opens up to you, or you just sense something is wrong, you can help most by doing and saying less. Offer empathy, ask the question and then wait.

If and when your child is ready to talk, your role stays the same: a faithful companion, a loyal sponge. Your job is to absorb, not judge her or the other kids involved.

The more your kid realizes you don’t overreact, get emotionally involved or try to fix everything, the more she will share.

Michelle Icard is the author of “Middle School Makeover: Improving The Way You and Your Child Experience The Middle School Years.” Her web site is MichelleintheMiddle.com.

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Orlando schools monitoring social media for cyberbullying, other threats

BY KAREN TURNER TRIBUNE PUBLISHING REPORT Schools in Orlando have renewed a program that monitors their students’ social media activity for criminal or threatening behavior, despite some controversy since its adoption last year.

Orlando County Public Schools recently told the Orlando Sentinel that the program, which partners the school system with local police departments, has been a success in protecting students’ safety, saying it led to 12 police investigations in the past year.

The school district says it will pay about $18,000 annually for SnapTrends, the monitoring software used to check students’ activity. It’s one of a slew of similar social media monitoring software used by law enforcement to keep an eye on the community.

SnapTrends collects data from public posts on students’ social media accounts by scanning for keywords that signify cases of cyberbullying, suicide threats or criminal activity. School security staff then comb through flagged posts and alert police when they see fit.

Research suggests that 23 percent of children and teens have been cyberbullied. Studies connecting social media and suicide have not shown definitive results, but there has been research that suggests that cyberbullying leads to suicide ideation more than traditional bullying.

Orange County Public Schools adopted the SnapTrends program as part of a “prevention and early intervention” program. After the Newtown, Conn., school shootings in 2012, the school participated in a sweeping technical review with law enforcement and state emergency experts with a focus on safety. They recommended some sort of social media monitoring program, saying that threats can sometimes be spotted on social media postings. “We felt we needed to deal with these vulnerabilities,” Shari Bobinski, who manages media relations in the school system, told The Washington Post.

Orange County schools said that since implementing the software last year, it has run 2,504 automated searches, leading to 215 manual searches by school staff. Details of the 12 police

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investigations that stemmed from searches in the past year have not been divulged by the school system. They told the Orlando Sentinel that they don’t want public details of the system to interfere with its effectiveness.

Bobinski emphasized that the system respects student privacy and only inspects student social media activity, which is public, should softwareflagged content cause concern. Online activity would only appear on a school record if it led to disciplinary action. “We’ve been very transparent about what we’re looking for,” she said. “And that is to keep our students, our staff and our facilities a safe learning environment.” She was not able to confirm how long social media data is stored by SnapTrends.

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Artist uses color to combat bullying Sheriff’s Office course as an alternative to the court system.

“When [Tishman] talks about having a goal and statement for the future, they see themselves succeed,” Valencia said. “She’s also observed the ‘grounding’ nature of coloring.”

When the teens address bullying issues and do some coloring, it puts them in a state of “moving meditation,” Tishman said.

“Coloring is a healing activity. Its repetitive movements allow our mind to rest,” she said.

Valencia said many of the bullies in the teen offender program learn the behavior at home or from friends.

“They’re being bullied in school; by family, by siblings, by parents,” Valencia said. “Sometimes they come to school and reflect what they’ve seen in homes.”

BY HELEN WOLT FORUM PUBLISHING GROUP Bullying is "an epidemic" that crosses every economic level, Hollywood artist Lisa Tishman said.

And now she’s using her background in art education to help heal youth who are hurting.

Tishman wrote “The Bully Book, Coloring Book and Journal” in an effort to reach kids through coloring and journals. As they work through the pages, the book takes a difference approach.

“This is a different way to look at [bullying] to have some compassion for the one that hurt me,” Tishman said.

Tishman also volunteers with first-time juvenile offenders in the Broward Sheriff’s Office. Her main focus is to bring therapy through art.

Although her book is a recent addition to the program, she’s been counseling teens for about two years, and they have been drawing portraits that “bring out their beauty,” she said. Emphasizing positive traits helps them look forward with a purpose.

Many of the teens have never thought about what they’d like to do with their lives, said Nicole Valencia, the Community Justice Program’s youth services counselor. At-risk juveniles attend the

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Helen Wolt can be reached at hwolt@tribpub.com.

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The Bystander: A Bully’s Often Unrecognized Accomplice

BY MARGARET SAGARESE

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In years gone by, an upstate New York newspaper headline noted that 60 high school girls and boys, ages 14-21, faced criminal prosecution for leering at and cheering on two brawling15-year-old boys. The police were holding “the human boxing ring” accountable. The “innocent bystander” status usually accorded people on the periphery of such violence was ruled out.

A Canadian study of student bystanders to bullying episodes found that 43 percent of respondents said they tried to help a victim. The remaining 57 percent stood by and watched, but did nothing. Of that number, 33 percent confessed that they should have attempted to help a victim but didn’t.

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The other 24 percent responded, “It was none of my business.”

It is their business, though. Bystanders make or break bullying episodes.

Consider this scenario: A 10-year-old boy rides the morning school bus. As he walks down the aisle, an older boy trips him, then takes his hat.

The bullying boy then enlists a buddy and the two of them throw the boy’s hat back and forth in a mean version of monkey in the middle. The victim is now on the verge of tears as the bus rolls to the curb of the middle school. The other boys and girls on the bus have watched the whole episode, alternately laughing or nervously giggling. Some say nothing but their frowns and scowls imply they are seething inside or suffering vicariously. At the same time, the bully enjoys being the center of the action and the center of attention.

Now consider this: If the students on the periphery ignored the bully, or expressed no emotion, the incident would be far less satisfying for him.

Every bully needs onlookers; without them he has no audience and no opportunity to act out his power play. Therefore, those who bear witness to a lesson in ridicule actually control the situation as they enhance the bully’s standing. They do so with their presence, their reaction and, yes, even with their silence.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO COURAGE? How about someone, anyone, rising to defend the victim? Despite the number of students in that Canadian study who tried to help a victim, young bystanders usually don’t confront a tormentor.

Why not? After all, most parents have raised their children to help someone in trouble.

That may be true, but early adolescence often finds these young people fearful of risking their social standing with peers.

During middle school, children find it excruciatingly difficult to risk opposing a bully. Between the ages of 10 and 15 particularly, children feel extremely self-conscious and tentative. They want desperately to fit in and are hypersensitive about doing anything that might bring attention to themselves or put them “on the outs” with their peers.

There is another hitch, too. Bullying often is done by groups of kids. One kid against half a dozen tormentors is daunting odds.

Furthermore, the bully is likely one of the popular kids.

According to University of Illinois psychologist Dorothy Espelage, the typical bully doesn’t resemble that stereotypical lumbering outcast. He is usually a popular jock. He’s the one coaches, teachers, and administrators know and often favor.

Most bystanders secretly want to halt the bully

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in his or her tracks. They think, however, that they have nothing to gain and everything to lose if they oppose a bully.

That’s not entirely true. Watching cruelty being inflicted on another and doing nothing is costly.

The I-should-have-done-something self-talk that inevitably simmers turns into emotional distress.

Suellen and Paula Fried, coauthors of Bullies and Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield, warn that for children who are spectators, “The conflict they experience can lead to feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and shame.”

A girl who watches her best friend dissed and chooses not to defend her is vulnerable to depression. A boy in similar circumstances becomes a candidate for inner turmoil, even rage.

SO WHAT’S A BOY OR GIRL TO DO? Children determined to undermine the power of the bully or bullies can use several tactics – some low risk, some higher risk – that will depose the

ruling tyrants or at least defuse their cruelty.

Offering support on the spot is risky. But a tactic with few negative repercussions for the onlooker might be showing empathy for the victim later.

Consider the school bus scenario referred to earlier: Later in the morning, a child bystander could approach the school bus victim and say, “I’m sorry I didn’t do anything to help you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Another low-risk option is to squelch a rumor.

“I heard some kids say that you were so scared on the bus that you wet your pants. I shouted back to these kids that they were lying. And I made sure that everyone else believed me.”

The last resort for most bystanders (at least, many preteens see it as a last resort, although it needn’t be so) is to get an adult involved.

Whatever happened to the knee-jerk reaction of people shouting, “Fire,” to get other people’s attention when they see danger?

STRATEGIES THAT EMPOWER THE BYSTANDER AND OUTMANEUVER THE BULLY OR BULLIES: + Don’t watch. If you feel you can’t intervene, walk away. + Don’t react emotionally with laughter or even a nervous titter. + Combat the rumor mill with the truth about a victim. + Offer your support and friendship afterward. + Enlist an adult immediately if someone is in danger of getting hurt. + Report the incident, time and place to a teacher, counselor, school nurse or administrator. + Parents, educators and other adults need to encourage the bystander to act, or else he or she remains an accomplice to the bullying episode.

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DON'T BE A BULLY ART CONTEST South Florida Parenting invited readers of all ages to join us in taking a stand against bullying by creating artwork to display at our 2016 Back to School Splash at the Westfield Broward mall in Plantation on Aug. 7.

Several are pictured here.

The contest winners will be announced at the event.

Presented by

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Standing Up Martial Arts Master Gary Horner, of The Karate Center in Lake Worth and Boynton Beach, helped students prepare for the school year with a Martial Arts Against Bullying program at the West Boynton Branch Library.

Photos by Laura Kokus

Martial Arts Master Gary Horner, from Martial Artists Against Bullying, teaches children various deflective and defensive measures to combat bullies.

Horner's students, Hayden Kesselman, left, and Storm Howard, both of Lake Worth, get ready to demonstrate effective defensive and deflective moves to combat bullies.

Horner asks children about what makes someone a bully as he explains various techniques to combat bullying.

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Children learn how to set personal boundaries and stand up for themselves as part of the Martial Artists Against Bullying program at the West Boynton Branch Library in July.

Students from Master Gary Horner’s martial arts school, The Karate Center, wait on the sidelines before demonstrating effective defensive and deflective moves to combat bullies.

Macaire Pritt and her son, Hunter Pritt, of Boynton Beach, react to the antibullying scenarios shown

by Master Gary Horner.

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Parents, your kids should fight their own battles

BY DANIELLE BRAFF CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Defending your child against all the bullies may feel like the most natural part of being a parent, but parenting experts warn that fighting your child’s battles may turn your kid into an easy target.

First, there was the crazy kid who argued with your precious dumpling at the playground. So you swooped in and grabbed your little bundle.

And then there was the mean girl who teased your little one about her new princess lunchbox because princesses, apparently, are for babies.

That warranted a call to the teacher because of the bullying incident.

Finally, your child got picked on for knowing all the answers in science class. You scheduled a meeting with the principal because smart kids should be applauded, not teased.

“If a parent is always stepping in, there will be no end to that – you’re teaching the child that you will always solve their problems in life, and that is a disaster, and we’re doing more of that than ever before,” said Michael Bradley, Philadelphia-based adolescent psychologist and author of When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen.

“We’ve had a 400 to 500 percent increase in adolescent anxiety and suicidal behavior over five decades, and part of the reason is that a lot of parenting has gone in a lot of directions – the parent is not involved or the

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helicopter parent who is fighting all of the kid’s battles, and those are both disaster parents.”

The magic is in the middle, Bradley said.

But it’s difficult for a parent to figure out what the middle is, especially because the middle changes depending on a child’s age and stage.

Bradley suggested that parents start teaching their children to stand up for themselves with their words as soon as possible. So if they have problems, instead of rushing in to help them, he said, ask them what they think they should do to remedy the situation.

“Let them sort out their answers, and throw out more questions,” Bradley said.

So if a child thinks that a good remedy would be to punch the other child, a parent could say, “What do you think will happen if you punch him?” Bradley suggested.

One way to help a child figure out the best way to stand up for himself effectively is during your own battles with him, said Lucie Hemmen, California-based clinical psychologist and author of Parenting a Teen Girl.

Your kids are arguing with you, in part, because they’re practicing a new skill that’s important to master.

“Instead of crushing them with your paternal trump card, give them feedback about what is working and what isn’t in the teen’s communication,” she said.

Hemmen said when her children badger her,

she shuts down, and they are foiled. She explains that she isn’t listening because she feels bullied by their tenacity. But, she tells them, if they give her the information that she needs to consider their request, and time to think it through, they may get the answer they need.

While teaching arguing skills at all ages is great, there are times when parents do need to step in and take over the situation more tangibly, said George Glass, co-author of The Overparenting Epidemic.

When a child is being consistently bullied or scapegoated by other kids at school and he has tried other approaches, it may be time to step in and ask the school what it has done to help.

“The normal response in this era is for the parent to jump in and to contact the teacher,” Glass said. “Help your child learn how to ask for help or to talk to the other child first. If your coaching and listening to their response does not work after several tries, then you might consider talking with the teacher.”

A red-flag situation is when the child tries to fix his situation but is unable to do so, the parent feels the school is not taking the issue seriously, and the adults aren’t effective in calming the child’s stress, Hemmen said.

“Certain environments are just not a good fit, and if your child feels emotionally or physically unsafe without enough adult support, a new environment should be considered,” she said.

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Helping Children Cope with Bullies

BY DENISE MORRISON YEARIAN At age 8, Jason refused to go to school. When his mother asked him why, he said a boy named Mark had been picking on him. In fact, it’s gotten so bad that the rest of the class won’t even play with Jason for fear that Mark will start picking on them, too. Jason is miserable and his mother isn’t sure what to do.

Bullying can start as early as the preschool years and peak somewhere during adolescence. While we can’t prevent the pain insults cause, we can lessen our kids’ chances of becoming victims.

In her book Parents Do Make a Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds, and Caring Hearts, author Michele Borba says the best thing parents can do is teach their kids how to deal with tormentors. “Doing so will show them there are ways to resolve conflicts without losing face or resorting to violence,” she says. It will boost their confidence, too.

Elizabeth Pantley, author of Perfect Parenting, agrees. “As much as you’d like to step in and solve the problem yourself, it’s best to teach your child how to solve it.” Then, once he’s learned how to stand up for himself, he can use these skills in other life situations.

To begin helping your child work through the situation, gather as much information as you can. “Listen to your child’s whole story without interrupting,” says Borba. “Try to figure out what happened, who was involved, when and where the bullying took place, and why your child was targeted.”

“Ask for specifics and write them down,” suggests Allan Beane, Ph.D., a professor of special education who designs and implements bully prevention programs. Questions could include: “Who does the bully pick on most of the time?”

“What does the bully say or do to you?” and “How does that make you feel?” Remember, says Beane, because children rarely volunteer this kind of information, you may have to do some probing.

While discussing the issue with your child, find out how he reacts to the bullying. “Knowing what did or didn’t stop the bully from harassing your child will enable you to offer a more effective solution,” says Beane.

If your child appears to be in no immediate danger, work with him on bully-proofing strategies. But remember, what works for one child may

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not work for another, so it’s best to discuss various options then choose one or two your child feels most comfortable with. + Be assertive. “Teach your child to face the bully by standing tall and using a strong voice,” says Borba. Have him name the bullying behavior and tell the aggressor to stop with words such as, “That’s teasing. Stop it!” or “Stop making fun of me. It’s mean!” + Question the response. Ann Bishop, who teaches violence prevention programs, tells her students to respond to an insult with a non-defensive question, “Why would you say that?” or “Why would you want to tell me I am dumb (or fat) and hurt my feelings?” + State what you mean. Communication experts suggest teaching your child to address the bully beginning with “I want” and say firmly what he wants changed: “I want you to leave me alone,” or “I want you to stop teasing me.” + Ignore it. Bullies love it when their teasing upsets their victims, so help your child find a way not to let his tormentor get to him. When Borba interviewed a group of fifth-graders they came up with these ideas: “Pretend they are invisible,” “Walk away without looking at them,” “Quickly look at something else and laugh,” and “Look completely uninterested.” + Make fun of the teasing. Fred Frankel, author of Good Friends Are Hard to Find, suggests victims answer every tease with a reply, but not a tease back. The teasing often stops, says Frankel, because the child lets the tormentor know he’s not going to let the teasing get to him (even if it does).

For example, if the teaser says, “You’re stupid,” the child could say, “Really?” “So?” “And your point is?” or “Thanks for telling me.”

Once you choose a technique, rehearse it with your child until he feels comfortable with it. The trick, says Pantley, is for your child to deliver his response to the bully with assurance, and that takes practice. “Demonstrate the difference between cowering, ‘Oh, go away, leave me alone,’ and standing tall and with authority saying, ‘Leave me alone!’ ” she says.

“Make sure your child knows that although he has a right to feel angry, it’s not OK to let himself get out of control,” says Borba. Besides, anger just

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fuels the bully. Instead, she suggests teaching your child the C.A.L.M. approach: + “C” Cool down. “When you confront the bully, stay calm and in control,” says Borba. “Don’t let him think he’s getting to you.” If you need to calm down, count to 20 slowly under your breath. + “A” Assert yourself. Try the strategy with the bully that you practiced at home. + “L” Look the teaser straight in the eye. Appear confident, hold your head high and stand tall. + “M” Mean what you say. “Use a strong, firm voice,” says Borba. “Say what you feel, but don’t insult, threaten or tease back.

If, despite your child’s best efforts, the bullying continues, tell your child it’s OK to ask for help from a teacher or school administrator.

“Rehearse with him what to say when he approaches an adult for help,” suggests Pantley.

This way, it doesn’t sound like he’s whining or tattling. If the situation still doesn’t change or the bullying becomes physically aggressive, you may need to step in.

“It is rarely, if ever, effective to approach the bully or his parent directly,” says Pantley. Instead, contact the school principal or other person in

authority.

Beane agrees. “Request a private meeting with the teacher as soon as possible. Ask for his or her perspective.” Remember, your child’s teacher might know things about the bully that you don’t.

Before going to the meeting, outline specific behaviors that concern you, tactics you have used to try to stop the behavior, and any suggestions you may have to resolve the problem. Above all, stay calm and in control. “If you approach the school administrator with a calm, matter-of-fact attitude, you should be able to put together a plan to control the situation,” says Pantley.

Like it or not, most kids are bound to encounter children who are deliberately mean. By teaching them effective ways to respond to verbal abuse, you can reduce their chances of being victims and help them learn how to cope more successfully with future adversities.

Denise Morrison Yearian is a former educator and editor of two parenting magazines, as well as the mother of three children.

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Policies of zero-tolerance for bullying don’t work, report says

BY JENNIFER C. KERR THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Zero-tolerance policies are ineffective in combating bullying, an independent government advisory group says in urging schools to take a more preventative approach that includes teaching tolerance to address this “serious public health problem.”

In a report released in May, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering and Medicine said bullying should no longer be dismissed as merely a matter of kids being kids. “Its prevalence perpetuates its normalization. But bullying is not a normal part of childhood,” the report said.

Schools, the researchers concluded, should end zero-tolerance policies that automatically suspend students for bullying.

“There’s no evidence that they are impactful in a positive way,” said Catherine Bradshaw, a professor and associate dean at the University of Virginia and part of the committee that wrote the report. “They can actually do more harm than good and, in fact, don’t provide the skill training or replacement behaviors for youth that are suspended or expelled.”

The report also said zero-tolerance policies may lead to an underreporting of bullying because suspensions are perceived as too punitive.

Frederick Rivara, chairman of the committee and a professor of pediatrics and epidemiology at the University of Washington, cautioned that bullying has lasting negative consequences and cannot be ignored. “While there is not a quick fix or one-size-fits-all solution, the evidence clearly supports preventive and interventional policy and practice,” he said.

Programs that teach children how to get along with one another, and what to do if they see kids who are being bullied, are more effective, Rivara said. Parents, too, can do their part, he said, by encouraging children to tell them if they’re being bullied, reporting it to the school or teacher and making sure their schools have effective anti-bullying programs in place.

Another committee member, Sandra Graham, a professor at UCLA, said schools need to be more proactive in teaching tolerance. “We need to be able to learn to live and accept and get along with people who are different from us,” she said.

“Bullies are often very popular … there are a lot of kids who bully to maintain their popularity and social status, so schools need to be addressing that,” Graham said.

Bullying behavior is seen as early as preschool and peaks during the middle school years, the researchers said. The problem has morphed from the traditional bully-in-the-schoolyard scenario to newer forms of electronic aggression, such as cyberbullying on social media sites.

The report said both bullies and their victims can suffer short and long-term consequences, including poor grades, anxiety and depression.

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Make Bullying Everyone’s Business tell a trusted adult

don’t give a bully an audience

set a good example

be a friend, not a bully

Learn how to talk to your child about it.

For more information about how adults and children can prevent bullying, visit StopBullying.gov.

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