Week 10 - S2 - The Student - 20082009

Tuesday March 17 2009 | Week 10

TONTINE

Noah and the Whale

MUSIC

P21

S I N C E 1887

studentnewspaper.org

PULL-OUT

Uni crushed in cup final

FOOTBALL

P28

T H E U K ' S O LD E S T S T U D EN T N EW S PA P ER

Liverpool University may axe major departments

Decline in graduate recruitment Guy Rughani

New proposals to axe underperforming departments EUSA President Thomas Graham and Rector Iain Macwhirter respond to 'dangerous precedent' Josh King LAST WEEK the University of Liverpool brought forward proposals that would see its poorest performing departments closed.

The new vice-chancellor, Prof Sir Howard Newby, has told staff: "Driving towards world-class excellence in areas where we are globally competitive, we need to undertake reviews of academic departments where performance is not of the same exceptional standard".

The proposals, which could see Liverpool’s politics, philosophy and probability departments sacrificed to free up funding for other areas of teaching and research, have been heavily criticised by the student body.

“

These recommendations will give us the opportunity to take the University to its next stage in driving towards world class excellence.”

University of Liverpool

Over 2,500 students have joined a Facebook group entitled ‘SOS: Save Our Subjects’, and Wednesday’s meeting of the University of Liverpool's Senate was overshadowed by mass student protests.

The University of Liverpool told The Student: “The University is looking at a range of options in the light of analysis of the 2008 Research Assessment Ex-

ercise.

“These recommendations will give us the opportunity to take the University to its next stage in driving towards world class excellence in those areas where we are globally competitive, and to undertake reviews of departments where performance is not of the same exceptional standard.

“The University will honour its obligations to students in any departments affected, including those entering in 2009/10.”

There is a fear that a dangerous precedent has been set for Russell Group universities to dump underperforming departments in a bid to maintain a world-class reputation – a precedent that would put thousands of jobs at risk, and would limit undergraduate opportunities across the country.

The Student spoke to the newly elected University Rector, Iain Macwhirter: “Universities have to have the freedom to rearrange and reorder academic departments, or schools as we like to call them in Edinburgh.

“However, there is a danger that research universities might be tempted to ditch academic disciplines simply because they don't earn enough in research money.

“This is unacceptable. Universities are centres of higher LEARNING and must always remember that they have a duty to provide a broad range of courses.”

Newly elected EUSA President Thomas Graham echoed these sentiments, telling The Student, “As your president I will fight any such closures at this university, but I want to be clear that I don't believe that this situation is going to arise here.”

A final decision will be made by the University of Liverpool Senate by June of this year.

Huge turnout for the third annual meadows marathon - full coverage on page 3

JOBHUNTING IN the business and financial sectors will be especially tough this year as 91% of Britain’s Chief Financial Officers say that they are not going to hire graduates in 2009.

Across the entire job market, this year is the first in six when the number of graduate vacancies has fallen.

Of the graduates gaining employment, pay is set to remain stagnant as the largest financial employees face the recession.

Wes Streeting, President of the NUS had already commented that the lack of graduate jobs and prospect of frozen pay would be “a huge worry for students racking up record levels of debt.”

As The Student has previously reported that Durham University had planned to offer special bursaries for graduates wanting to stay on and gain “the edge” in the competitive job market.

Despite such encouragement from universities to avoid entering the job market at such a volatile time, employees are keenly advising students not to remain at university for “the sake of it.”

“Only stay on if you are sure it will enhance your employability” said the Association of Graduate Recruiters. “Being flexible is really important in today’s job market – if you’re flexible, you’ll get the posts.”

The NUS agreed with these sentiments, advising graduates to “apply early and be flexible” with their plans.

Some forward thinking members of the financial sector worry that the current slump in graduate recruitment will hit the industry hard when the “inevitable upturn” arises.

Phil Sheridan, the managing director of a leading recruitment firm said that “it's a tough balancing act between cutting back on graduate recruitment now and avoiding a talent shortage when the upturn comes.”

Although the picture is gloomy, commentators note that the current downturn could be worse, citing the record fall of 1991 when vacancies fell by a third across the board.

“While no one doubts the seriousness of the current economic downturn, the picture for graduate recruitment, could be bleaker” said Carl Gilleard, Chief Executive of the Association of Graduate Recruiters.

Whilst vacancies fall in finance, jobs in engineering, law and food and drink manufacturing are set to increase.

David Lammy, the Higher Education Minister, said: "There are still jobs out there for graduates and going to university is still and always will be a good investment in your future career.”

Tuesday February 3 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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What’s in this issue NEWS »p1–6

»

Exam results reveal show feepaying students still excel

COIN-TOSS DECIDES NUS PRESIDENCY p4

After a vote was tied, the luck of the draw made Liam Burns the new president of NUS Scotland.

ELDERTAINMENT p5

A new business is employing students to talk to lonely old people for cash

COMMENT »p7–9

FORGOTTEN AND FORSAKEN p9

Rhodri Williams on what the Credit Crisis means for the world's poor.

WILL THE REAL IRA PLEASE SIT DOWN? p10

ARTS & FEATURES »p11– 24 FOREIGN STUDENTS JOIN HANDS! - p12-13

Liz Rawlings on the exploitation of the UK's visiting students

THE MAN WHO WOULD BE KEROUAC - p14

The author of A Million Little Pieces tells Lee Bunce about securing his place in literary history.

SIGHTS OF THE UNDERGROUND - p23

Rachel Cloughton on some of the visual artists invading Edinburgh's nightspots.

SPORT »p26–28 CANOEISTS p27

The Student speaks to two kayakers about representing Edinburgh University in the far east.

EDINBURGH THRASHED IN FINAL: P28

Edinburgh University conceded three own goals in the SFA regional cup final - Martin Domin reports.

TONTINE» pullout PRIZE-WINNERS GALORE

All the winning entries for the English Department's creative writing prizes. Plus: Pinocchio doing the Macarena, and Zombies.

The Student Newspaper | 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ Email: editors@studentnewspaper.org.

MIND THE GAP: Privately educated students remain four times more likely to obtain three or more A grades that their state-educated peers Anna MacSwan A BREAKDOWN of A-level results for the year 2008 shows a significant gulf between independent and state schools, with fee paying students four times more likely to achieve three or more A grades.

Whereas 30.3 per cent of school leavers in the independent sector achieved straight As, the figure for comprehensive schools was 7.6 per cent.

Figures indicate the gap to have increased significantly over the last decade, with results for 1998 showing 16.9 per cent of privately educated pupils to have obtained straight As compared to 4.7 in comprehensives, raising the difference from 12.2% to 22.7%.

Though those educated privately make up only one in fourteen nationally, such findings potentially place pupils at a huge advantage when applying for admission to elite universities.

Such an advantage is particularly significant as the economic recession has caused applications to soar.

“

We will make it easier to set up new academies especially in poorer areas and make it easier for them to hire great teachers."

Michael Gove Conservative Shadow Schools Secretary

The news comes amidst various efforts to revise A-Level and GCSE examinations in order to maintain examination standards.

From September, pupils in England, Wales and Northern Ireland will sit a reformed A-level, with a new A* grade to be awarded to highest achievers.

Additionally, a modular style GCSE is to be introduced, which would scrap coursework and involve pupils sitting

exams at different stages over the course.

Some independent schools have rejected these revised qualifications, adopting what they view as a more demanding curriculum in the form of the International GCSE. This option is unavailable to state schools, giving rise to further concerns about an exacerbation of the gulf between qualifications awarded in independent and state sectors.

Michael Gove, the shadow schools secretary, expressed concern at the "widening gap between opportunities for richer families and the rest", saying "We will reverse the devaluation of exams. We will make it easier to set up new academies especially in poorer areas and make it easier for them to hire great teachers and we will make it easier for talented people to become teachers."

The University of Edinburgh declined to comment on the issue, saying it would be out of place to analyse school exam results, and that the effect a new A-level grade should take on admissions offers would be evaluated upon introduction.

Scotland faces teaching slump Guy Rughani FEWER TEACHING graduates are applying for posts in Scotland despite efforts by the Scottish Government to increase recruitment.

Scotland’s figures lie in sharp contrast to those of England and Wales where there have been significant increases in the number of student applicants.

There was a rise of 14 per cent in England, and a rise of 11 per cent in Wales compared to last year.

Scottish MSPs were outraged by the figures, expecting the credit crunch to increase the number of applications for stable teaching roles, rather than decrease them.

Some blamed the difference between Scotland and the rest of the UK on the ‘negative publicity’ given to the employment prospects of new teachers, fuelled by rising teacher unemployment.

Irene Matier, the president of the Association of Headteachers and Deputes in Scotland wondered why the Government was increasing

recruitment when there was rising unemployment within the teaching profession.

“We are seeing student teachers who are concerned about jobs. We know there are teachers working in Saudi Arabia because they can’t get long-term supply work here” she said.

The Director of Undergraduate Studies at the Edinburgh’s Moray House School of Education told The Student that he’d ‘be guessing’ if he were to fathom any reason for the difference between Scotland, England and Wales.

One MSP however thought it ‘perfectly obvious’ that student applications had fallen in Scotland, describing the Government as ‘irresponsible’ to increase recruitment when job security was highly uncertain.

Ken Macintosh, the Labour education spokesman told journalists: “It is irresponsible of Fiona Hyslop to pretend that she has a policy in place when she knows teachers are ending up on the dole.”

Primary education was hit the hardest with a fall of 6.5% compared to last year, and a decrease of 8% in the

numbers of female applicants.

Despite the figures, students at Moray House seem keen to get on with their careers.

Miss Peters, a recent Moray House graduate who has applied for a teaching post told The Student, “Things may be a bit uncertain in the teaching market, but that doesn’t mean that people who’ve strived to teach suddenly want to take up something different.”

MSPs have speculated that the rise in applications in England and Wales may be due to job losses in the financial and business sectors, as people decide to change skills and take up teaching.

Indeed, a new scheme, described as the ‘silver lining’ of the recession, could see selected non-teaching graduates become headteachers within only four years.

As part of the same incentive package, these new teachers will be offered £10000 ‘golden hello’ bonuses if they decide to take up teaching in more deprived areas.

As yet it is not certain whether similar schemes will be adopted north of the border.

FLIKR

I.D. Powell dissects the recent rise in sectarian violence in Northern Ireland

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 3

CROSSING THE LINE: Third Annual Meados Marathon hailed as success

Over 800 runners take part in Meadows Marathon Jordan Campbell WELL OVER 800 competitors lined up on the start line for the third annual Meadows half Marathon on Sunday morning with students, Edinburgh locals and competitive clubs taking the field. The vast majority were running for charity and early estimations predicted that 2008’s sum of £30,000 would definitely be equaled if not surpassed.

The race started from Bristo Square comprising of 7 and a half laps of the Meadows before culminating back at Bristo Square, with the overall winner clocking an impressive time of just over 1 hour and 18 minutes. Conditions were perfect for running, with the weather dry and mild with only a light wind.

Many different charities were represented including national, local and student volunteer groups.

One runner who was raising money for an Edinburgh Global Partnership (EGP) project this summer in Malawi told the Student: “it has been a great day, - we have raised lots of money and have enjoyed taking part, but I am not looking forward to walking tomorrow!”

Whilst Annie Clarke, an Edinburgh University student running for Breast Cancer Research UK, said, “It was a great atmosphere and a lot a fun,

but very painful especially after the second lap!”

Iain, a local Edinburgh resident taking part for the second year in a row, was raising money for Comic Relief. He also praised the atmosphere of the run and added: “It is so good that such an event can be held in the Meadows and I do hope it continues to grow over the years to come.”

Many runners were sporting outlandish costumes on the day, ranging from animal outfits to giant condoms. The first prize for fancy dress was awarded to a group of four runners who went to the effort of dressing up as the Loch Ness Monster with each runner making up a part of the monster.

It appears that all the runners were sufficiently prepared for the race with no major casualties being reported. An ambulance crew who were on stand by near Bristo Square commented to the Student that, “thankfully we have had very little today.”

The Meadows Marathon is organized completely by a voluntary committee made up of university students from across the city.

It began in 2007 organized by two Edinburgh University Math students Paul Hewett and Alexander Robertson when only 250 runners took part with aim of raising money

for Comic Relief. Judging by 2009’s effort it seems that the event will is moving from strength to strength.

“

It has been a great day, - we have raised lots of money and have enjoyed taking part, but I am not looking forward to walking tomorrow!”

Runner for Edinburgh Global Partnership

“

It was a great atmosphere and a lot a fun, but very painful especially after the second lap!”

Annie Clark, Ediinburgh University Student

St Andrew's principal tackles red tape Alexandra Taylor ST. ANDREWS’ first female principal, Louise Richardson, has said that she is ‘surprised’ by the amount of bureaucracy involved in the running of the University.

In an interview with the Education Guardian, the Harvard academic announced that she is hoping to bring a new "openness" to the University in an effort to widen its appeal.

The appointment of a female headmistress has been recognized as a breakthrough in higher education, as many institutions including the University of Edinburgh are still run by men.

However, she has been poorly welcomed by some in the local Fife community, who have refused to offer her honorary membership to the famous Royal and Ancient golf club, a privilege enjoyed by her two male predecessors.

Sarah Wickstead, co convenor of EUSA society ‘Women of the world’ thinks that this is proof of gender inequality and told the Student: "Women don't really have a voice in certain branches of academic study."

However, the new principal is not too saddened by the lack of access to St Andrews’ exclusive club.

"I haven't had time to go to the

gym since I got here so the idea that I would have three hours to play a game of golf is unrealistic."

She added "too much valuable time is spent on layers and layers of accountability” which could be better spent on teaching and research.

Richardson is credited with transforming the former women’s college at Harvard, Radcliff, into an internationally respected institute for

“

Women don't really have a voice in certain branches of academic study."

Michael Gove, Conservative Shadow Schools Secretary

advanced study and for her literary success in the field of political science.

Unlike Ex-Principal Brian Lang, who refused to lower academic offers for prospective students from poorer economic backgrounds, she is hoping to promote applications from non-traditional students.

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News

Brief EUSA celebrates realising five big ideas In repsonse to the many suggestions made in EUSA's Big Idea Weak EUSA has reported that it has already acheived five suggestions.

Students can now look forward to: 1. Warm plates in the Library Bar 2. Hooks in the toilets 3. Another scrabble set in the Library Bar 4. Food ticket system in the library 5. Nut warnings on menus EUSA claims to have received hundreds of suggestions through post-it, email and twitter. It has not comment on how it plans to respond to some of the more dubious ideas stuck onto Potterow's 'idea wall' such as 'more STI's' and 'less ugly people'.

West Lothian hunts for serial flasher West Lothian residents have been asked to come forward with any information regarding a serial flasher.

The flasher is believed to have committed three consecutive offences within one week, in the West Lothian area.

He is said to between the age of 20-23, of slim athletic build with blond spiky hard and a goatee.

Dr. Richardson asks the timeless question: 'what do terrorists want?'

Dr. Louise Richardson has been invited to the University of Edinburgh to give a talk on the topic of her book What terrorists want.

Recently appointed Principal of St. Andrews University, Dr. Richardson is a political scientist and expert of International Security.

Her talk, scheduled for the 19th of March, will investigate the reasoning and motivation behind terrorism. Tickets are however already sol out for this event.

Meet your electric friend The world's most advanced humanoid robot will march into Edinburgh this April to celebrate the capital's annual Science Festival.

Asimo can climb stairs, play football, dance and recognize faces.

The Science Festival runs from April 4th to the 18th. It has yet to be confirmed if Will Smith will be on hand to quell any potential robot uprising.

MG

Liam Burns in after coin toss decides NUS Scotland presidency Neil Pooran THE PRESIDENT of the national students’ union federation, NUS Scotland, was decided by a coin toss last weekend.

Heriot-Watt graduate Liam Burns will take over from Stachclyde University student Gurjit Singh in representing Scotland’s hundreds of thousands of students to the Scottish Government and other bodies.

After delegates’ votes were tied at 52-52 it was decided that a coin toss would be the only way to resolve the election. Each affiliated students union sends delegates to NUS Scotland’s national conference, where they vote on the three sabbatical positions for the federation, President, Deputy President and Women’s Officer.

Edinburgh University Student’s Association sends 5 delegates to the conference, and it is understood that most voted for Burns.

Burns was in an upbeat mood after his election, and said he would be putting pressure on governments in Edinburgh and London: “The £30 million being discussed by the Scottish Government in their consultation on student funding is not enough to deal with the hardship being faced

by Scottish students, and this view has been reflected by our membership this weekend. My first priority is to take forward our work on this issue, and to work towards making sure this money is used to put cash in the pockets of hard-up students.

“Simply replacing one form of student support with another is not good

PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE: newly elected NUS Scotland President Liam Burns appeals to the voters enough. In the longer term, we need to face up to the fact that the review of the cap on tuition fees in England is a Scottish issue. Student officers across Scotland will be campaigning to ensure Scottish MPs reject calls to lift or raise the cap in England.”

He also sought to strike a conciliatory note with his rival Gurjit Singh: “The election for President was a close one. I believe this, coupled with the record numbers attending NUS Scot-

land conference, is a testament to the strength of Gurjit’s leadership over the past year, and the hard work done by all of the NUS Scotland Executive.

I will be taking the time over the next few months to make sure my agenda for the next year reflects the views of all our membership, and draws on the work both Gurjit and I have been doing.”

Singh beat former EUSA President Josh Macalister to win the NUS

Scotland presidency last year.

Singh would almost certainly have clinched the Presidency by one vote had a delegate from Strachclyde University turned up on time, but unfortunately one member of the Strathclyde delegation arrived late at the conference. There was further controversy when it was revealed that the NUS Scotland Black Students Officer’s vote was discounted due to a constitutional technicality.

Universities accused of 'watering down' degrees Craig McIntyre THE VALUE of university degrees is being compromised by an ignorance of plagiarism as well as pressure from university authorities, say academics.

“

There is no evidence staff are put under any pressure to bump up grades" Sue Evans, Economics Lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University

The allegations by staff at universities including Oxford, Sussex, Birmingham and Cardiff were brought to the House of Commons in the form of a 500 page dossier. The dossier, which includes a submission from Edinburgh University, draws

attention to the large increases in acceptances to universities throughout the UK and to the number of first degrees awarded over the last 10 years.

One of the academics raising the allegations is Sue Evans, an economics lecturer at Manchester Metropolitan University. Evans alleged to the Commons select committee that marks were being regularly increased without justification. She stated that she has raised her concerns ‘repeatedly’ with the University but without any response.

A spokeswoman for Manchester Metropolitan said in response: “Miss Evans expresses a lot of very personal views but presents very little objective information. There is no evidence staff are put under any pressure to bump up grades. We are extremely disappointed and upset that a colleague has chosen to raise these issues externally.”

At the Innovation, Universities, Science & Skills Committee before the House of Commons, Profes-

sor Alderman of York University, suggested that the relatively recent inclusion of coursework into the calculation of final degree marks has ‘made a difference because with course work has comes the plague of plagiarism and with modularisation has comes the disempowerment of the external examiner.’

Due to a national rise in detected cases of plagiarism over the past few years, suggested to be linked to prewritten essays becoming more readily available over the internet, many universities, including Edinburgh, have been forced to introduce plagiarism detection software. Despite this, fears that not enough is being done to combat plagiarism in exam entries are still common.

According to data released in January by the Higher Education Statistics Agency, 334,890 students across the UK gained a first degree last year, compared to 319,260 who graduated in 2007, a significant rise of 5%.

The evidence increases pressure

on the universities secretary MP John Denham to take steps to guard quality as he prepares to announce

“

With course work has come the plague of plagiarism and with modularisation has come the disempowerment of the external examiner" Professor Alderman of York University

a strategy for higher education this summer.

Edinburgh University has yet to lodge any of its own allegations on the issue.

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 5

KB House Union wins Healthy Living Award

FLIKR: RIC JAMES

Harriet Kay

Journalist embarrassed by reinforced sedan chair and eight-strong carrying team

Iain Macwhirter installed as University's 53rd rector Scottish political journalist Iain Macwhirter was officially ‘installed’ as the University’s Rector in a lavish ceremony last Tuesday. The University’s Chancellor, Prince Phillip the Duke of Edinburgh, was present to see Principal Timothy O’Shea place the ancient Rectorial robes on Mr. Macwhirter, an act which marked the beginning of his three-year term as the chair of the University’s court. Macwhirter will

now represent the staff and students of the University of Edinburgh inside and outside the halls of the University.

The ceremony was followed by the traditional ‘chairing of the chair’, where the newly-appointed Rector is placed in a sedan chair and hoisted around the Old College courtyard on the shoulders of his campaign team. In a speech following his installation, Macwhirter said he would focus on helping students and

the university through the economic crisis, and defended the principle of academic independence from government. Macwhirter promised to push for a 24-hour library and a £7,000 minimum income guarantee for students during his election battle with Lothians MSP George Foulkes.

NP

EXPECT TO see skinny scientists waltzing around campus as the Edinburgh University union is decorated with an award for providing healthy food in its café.

The food court at the KB House union has been given a Healthy Living Award for the grub provided in its cafes. The Scottish award scheme is aimed at encouraging catering establishments to provide their customers with a range of clearly signposted healthy eating options and also drastically altering the way that food is prepared.

George Thomas, Vice-president of student services at EUSA, spoke to The Student about the accolade saying that it was the result of extensive reviews of the services offered at Kings Buildings.

Mr Thomas emphasised that due to the position of the science campus in the city there are far fewer eating options available to students

studying there, which has given increased impetus to the association to improve the on-site facilities. The Mayfield bar at KB is also shortly to undergo a refurbishment, which will include a review of the food menu there to add healthier options such as wraps and baguettes as well as more traditional bar snacks.

The food at the other EUSA-run establishments such as Pleasance and Teviot, which includes many traditional fast-food options, has not undergone the same rigorous inspection and accreditation as KB House, which has been a test case for the university. The Senses cafes underneath the DHT, has however received a Food For Life endorsement.

All of the establishments provided by EUSA, continue to provided a wide choice of food and drink at good value prices which benefit EUSA facilities and activities.

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

News

Baby monkeys floss with human hair Female monkeys in Thailand teach their young the importance of dental hygiene by flossing with human hair.

Seven long tailed macaques have been observed forcing their young to watch while they run strands of human hair between their teeth. The monkeys use the long, thin human hairs (sometimes stolen directly from the scalp) to ‘floss’ in a manner almost identical to our own morning routine, and spend twice as long flossing when in the presence of infants.

Professor Nobuo Masataka of Kyoto University’s Primate was “surprised” by the finding, as teaching others how to use ‘tools’ like hair-floss was previously thought to be “carried out only by humans.”

Bar owner is scumbag, maggot Hundreds of Pogues fans were left disappointed when lead singer Shane MacGowan failed to turn up for a gig he knew nothing about.

Darren Carroll, owner of the Aberdeen bar where the gig was advertised, but apparently not scheduled to take place cited 'Unforeseen Circumstances' for MacGowan's non-appearance.

However, the singer was in Florida at the time, where he had a performance scheduled for the same evening.

MacGowan's booking agent was adamant that "at no time have we had any communication with any venue in Aberdeen for Shane to perform there," despite Carroll advertising just such a performance on posters and local radio.

Carroll has since been charged in connection with an alleged fraud, apparently unrelated to this Fairytale of Aberdeen.

Beautiful people turn ugly Auditions for the next series of popular American skinny-people show America's Next Top Model have been disrupted after spontaneous violence left six people injured and three under arrest.

The show, created by supermodel/ chat show host/woeful recording artist Tyra Banks, was casting at New York's Park Central Hotel when suddenly a 'panic' erupted amid the ranks of thousands beautiful people queuing on the street to audition.

Although the exact cause for the hysteria remains unclear, some have suggested that it was triggered by a BMW spewing black smoke. When someone shouted that a bomb had gone off, the crowd 'stampeded'.

The situation was exacerbated when an opportunistic thief started charging through the thronging hopefuls, trying to snatch handbags.

Two women and a man were arrested for disorderly conduct in connection with the incident, which left two hospitalised.

JFH

New business pays top students to entertain the elderly Harriet Kay A BIZARRE mixture of social responsibility and student enterprise has culminated in the creation of Eldertainment, a business venture which requires elderly people to pay for the ‘privilege’ of talking to an articulate, well-educated student.

Under the headline ‘generating friendships between young and old’ the scheme aims to be an altruistic way for students to fund their degrees.

To work for Eldertainment candidates must be an undergraduate or recent graduate from a Russell Group university- with a particular drive to recruit Oxford and Cambridge alumni.

They must submit a glowing CV to the website, where samples include experience of hedge-fund policy and an interest in the Arab-Israeli conflict.

If selected students can then expect to earn £30 for each hour that they ‘entertain’ the elderly clientele with scintillating conversation. The company suggests that working for them could help to gild ones CV, ignoring the fundamental fact that the basic state pension stands at around £90, and furthermore that many elderly people volunteer and contribute to charity themselves- making charging for this ‘service’ very questionable indeed.

The ‘brains’ behind Eldertainment are William and Heneage Ste-

Is this what happens when you don't step in and stop the elderly from entertaining themselves? venson, sons of the Lord Stevenson, former chairman of HBOS. Under their fathers chairmanship the company lost £10.8 Billion in 2008, due to unwise investment, so perhaps it’s no surprise that this enterprise makes very little financial sense.

Help the Aged’s Head of Policy, David Sinclair, called the business 'patronising'. It has especially been criticised for undermining the volunteer sector and the myriad of charities which exist for the very purpose of interacting with isolated

JJULIA SANCHES

Brief

older people .

In the light of the media criticism and sheer disbelief that it is provoked it is perhaps not surprising that the company’s website is currently unavailable due to being ‘updated.’

Trams run off track Victoria Cox

A MOCKUP tram was positioned on Princes street on 29 February, and has proved to be a popular tourist attraction .

The tram, which resembles the kind of car which will be in place on the tram project’s completion, picked up 22,000 visitors in its first week, with 80 per cent reportedly giving positive feedback.

The tram was due to close on 14

“

This is more than likely to have had an impact on footfall coming into the store.

People are just staying away from that end of Princes Street.

Hazel Tierney,Operations Director for John Lewis Edinburgh

March, however Liz Parkes, who works for tram company Transdev confirmed to the Student that the tram will now be staying open on Princes Street, outside Jenners, until about Easter.

However, the mock tram has had some problems, being vandalised twice on 2 March and 27 Februry. A Transdev worker confirmed that asecurity

guard had been hired to prevent further trouble.

Work at Haymarket Station has seen the closure of the Haymarket car park.This is where the viaduct, which will bring the trams up to street level, is being constructed.

Scotland‘s train service administrators, ScotRail, said: "Due to construction works for Edinburgh's tram service, the car park at Haymarket Station will now be closed for a further six weeks. The new opening date is Monday, April 6.” This comes after shops around Haymarket have reported losses in recent weeks.

Coffee shop Beanscene has already cut back it’s opening hours, now closing at 8pm instead of 10pm.

Other businesses around the city have had help from the council in dealing with the tram works. The Student spoke to Stewart Orr from Margiotta, a local convenience store. He said that deliveries were being affected as the drivers cannot get the vehicles near the shops, but who told of a ‘logistics scheme’ aimed at helping the local business’s with deliveries and keeping the area tidy. Orr said: “I can’t really fault them.”

Princes Street works are seeing the road closed until end of November 2009. Upmarket retailer John Lewis became the first major store to criticize the works.Hazel Tierney, operations director for John Lewis Edinburgh, said: “The closure of Princes Street is more than likely to have had an im-

Next tram due to arrive: 2011 pact on footfall coming into the store.

People are just staying away from that end of Princes Street."

The Belfinger Berger dispute has been given a deadline.Belfinger Berger, a German company responsible for constructing the trams, called upon another £80 million for the project, which is already worth £512 million.

This came after reports that Belfinger Berger apparently lost £80 million on a road project in Norway, however

FLICKR: MUDRICKY

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the company itself refuses to comment on the link.

Crisis talks over the disputed money have been given a deadline of the 19th March, by which they must have resolved the issue or an independent adjudicator will be brought in.

A TIE spokesman said "We are doing everything in our power to resolve the issues within the parameters of the ongoing dispute resolution procedure."

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Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Comment 7

Comment

Genevieve Ryan

Forgotten and forsaken

With no end in sight for the global economic crisis Rhodri Williams looks at the repercussions for the developing world

O

NCE AGAIN, the richest nations on earth are in danger of failing the world’s most impoverished. During the current global economic crisis, industrialised nations have been taking unprecedented steps with stimulus measures and bailouts, slashing interest rates to historic lows and frantically reaching into the public purse to save their failing financial sectors and flagging car industries, all deemed to be ‘too big to fail’. The world’s poorest nations however, have been forgotten.

The economic crisis that orientated in the north has found its way into the impoverished developing countries of the south. Growth and trade have been reduced, which has cut developing country’s revenues from natural resources and manufactured goods.

Foreign investments have plunged.

Falling currencies in developing countries has seen remittances decline.

Money sent home, that at one time might have bought a whole family their food, is now struggling to keep families fed. Significantly tighter credit conditions has meant that governments’ ability to invest to meet education, health and gender goals, in addition to vital infrastructure expenditures needed to sustain growth, have all been cut. This is all against the background of the recent food and fuel crises which saw between 73 to 105 million pushed once again back into poverty and

hunger.

The World Bank has recently calculated that “each 1 percent drop in growth could trap another 20 million in poverty”. They estimated that for 2009 “lower economic growth rates will trap 46 million more people on less than US$1.25 a day” and “lower economic growth rates will significantly retard progress in reducing infant mortality", all of which seriously threatens the likelihood of achieving the Millennium Development Goals that were

“

The world bank has recently caluculated that "each 1 percent drop in growth could trap another 20 million in poverty”. created to substantially reduce poverty.

The World Bank’s preliminary 2009 to 2015 forecast predicted “that an average 200,000 to 400,000 more children a year, a total of 1.4 to 2.8 million, may die if the crisis persists”.

These shocking forecasts warn us of the far reaching consequences of this crisis and the urgency and seriousness of the action that must be taken to overcome it.

Help must extend beyond states’ borders and corporations’ balance sheets. As Gordon Brown so often acknowledges, this is a global crisis. We must therefore recognise that it has global implications and requires global solutions. The G20 have called for a coordinated response. Individually, they have taken what is referred to as a ‘counter-cyclical’ approach to the crisis, whereby governments cut spending during the good times and recognise that during the bad times (and these really are bad times) that spending must be increased. The US plan to spend $787bn, consisting largely of tax cuts and support for infrastructure, as well as pumping money into healthcare and green energy, is the most striking example. When taken together, the G20 have created a expansionary or ‘stimulus’ package totalling roughly $2tn.

Why then we might ask, has the IMF, in exchange for loans to developing countries, been arguing that spending must be cut on receipt of these loans? Why should the IMF force Pakistan to cut fiscal spending and raise its interest rates, when the world’s most wealthy and powerful are doing the complete opposite? We need only look at Latvia, who has recently taken the IMF’s recommendations of slashing spending and wages, to see how deadly this medicine really is. Pakistan looks set to be in a similar

position shortly. Hungry, Ukraine and Iceland have also bravely decided to go to the IMF. The G20 must take a real coordinated response to this crisis. When Obama and Brown, and the other world leaders

“

When Obama and Brown, and the other world leaders go to the G20 next month, they must expose the IMF’s contradictory policy and call for a loan system free from any strings. go to the G20 next month, they must expose the IMF’s contradictory policy and call for a loan system free from any strings.

In addition to this, the World Bank’s call for developed countries to pledge 0.7 percent of their stimulus packages to a ‘vulnerability fund’, must be met. Such assistance would go some way towards assisting developing countries that lack the adequate funds to carry out their own bailouts and are unable to extend their crippling debts.

The package would deliver the money through United Nations organizations, multilateral development banks, as well as non-governmental organizations. Such proposals are hardly radical in the current environment.

The Centre for Global Development in fact, goes much further. It calculates that at least $1tn is required to help developing countries deal with this crisis.

Whilst this may be what is required for developed country style recovery, it is unlikely to attract much support from world leaders.

A start would be to pledge to change the IMF’s polices and guaranteed a vulnerability fund of at least 0.7 of their stimulus packages. If calls for benevolence do not adequately suffice to encourage such altruism, then an argument from self interest might.

Only with recovery in the developing world, which comprises 47% of the global $55tn economy, will developed countries see their fortunes improve.

Exporters need markets, the developed countries are no different.

When historians have looked back at Western history, they have divided it into epochs that represent the values of the time. Only with a more coordinated approach that addresses all of the consequences of this crisis, will the developed countries of the West shake off the accusation that the twenty-first century was little more than the Age of Irresponsibility.

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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Will the Real IRA please sit down?

I.D. Powell examines the situation in Northern Ireland and the rise in violence after nearly 12 years of peace

O

N SATURDAY 7th March, Mark Quinsey, 23, and Patrick Azimkar, 21, two unarmed soldiers of the British Army stationed in Massereene Barracks, Antrim Town, Northern Ireland were killed by Republican paramilitaries. Two days later Stephen Carroll, a member of the Police Service of Northern Ireland (a new police force established as part of the peace process) was murdered when responding to a distressed call at the Lismore Manor Estate. Eleven years on from the Good Friday Agreement the question on everyone’s mind is whether Northern Ireland is once more descending into violence.

Following a delayed and noticeably emotionless response on Sunday to the Massereene attacks, the Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams rose in the Assembly on Monday to declare that “we understand grief and loss and violent bereavement [...] I want to extend my sympathies and the sympathies of Sinn Fein to the families of those killed and injured on Saturday night. This Assembly is united in solidarity and I join with the First Minister in his condolences to the bereaved families and underpin his commitment that this Assembly is resolved to work through our difficulty. There is, as he said, no turning

back”. Martin McGuinness the deputy First Minister and one-time IRA Commander even condemned those guilty of the attacks as “traitors to the island of Ireland”. Twenty years ago this would have been unthinkable, so what exactly has changed to make Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness so committed now to the peace

“

First Minister and one-time IRA Commander even condemned those guilty of the attacks as “traitors to the island of Ireland." process?

The Provisional IRA was formed in 1969 because they believed that Catholic and Republican interests should be defended through violent struggle. By 1998, however, they had realised that they were not going to achieve their goal of a united Ireland through a continuation of violence.

The leadership of Sinn Fein, the political wing of the IRA, gave up vio-

lence in exchange for lucrative jobs, status and peace. The Good Friday Agreement of 1998 will probably be remembered as the most important act of Tony Blair’s premiership. It initiated a prolonged period of peace, which once enjoyed by the population will not be allowed to disappear.

The extent of the violence in the early 1970s – the peak of the Troubles – was so great because the Provisionals were enormously well-equipped and organised. They received donations and specialist training from all over the world. Colonel Gaddafi supplied 120 tonnes of weaponry and many of the bombings, including the Enniskillen and Ballygawley attacks, were carried out with Libyan Semtex. The Republican splinter groups which carried out the recent attacks are simply not interested in peace and would like nothing more than a return of British troops to the streets of Belfast so that they may renew open conflict. They are still capable of atrocities, such as the Omagh bombing of 1998, which was carried out by the Real IRA and killed 29 people. However, they do not have the capabilities or crucially the public support to be comparable to the Provisionals at the height of the troubles and are estimated to only have between 200-300 members.

The Real IRA who were responsi-

ble for the Massereene massacre and the Continuity IRA (CIRA) who murdered P.C. Stephen Carroll are far more marginalised than the Provisionals who were able to live openly

“

What we are seeing in Northern Ireland is a fight for the soul of Republicanism which is unfortunately being played out in the open and with tragic consequences. amongst society.

What we are witnessing is not the beginning of a regression into sectarian warfare. If anything these attacks may have strengthened Irish peaceful co-existence. At the time of writing, a Facebook group entitled People Opposed to Terrorism in Northern Ireland has gained fifteen and a half thousand members in 4 days.

Across Ulster 81% of parents would like their children to be educated in integrated schools. The peace protests on Wednesday showed genuine solidarity from people on both sides

One nation under God?

Naomi Todd looks at the tumultuous relationship between politics and religion

I

N THE realm of UK politics, citing God as any sort of inspiration is as likely to aid your chances as downing a bottle of Jameson moments before that allimportant debate. But should this be the case? And just why are the British public so terrified of religion worming its way into politics’ inner sanctums?

Ask most British politicians about religion and they will confidently assure you that they (in the words of former Labour political aide Alistair Campbell) “don’t do God”. Take Tony Blair, for example, who once stated that political leaders should not be seen to be acting ‘at the promptings of an inscrutable deity’. Wise words, you might think.

However, this is the same Mr Blair who recently gave a speech at Obama’s first National Prayer Breakfast peppered with no less than 31 mentions of God and advocating religious faith as ‘the guide to our world’.

Add to this Gordon Brown, with his carefully religion-free references to the ‘moral compass’ imbued in him by his minister father, and the Tories, whose pro-marriage ‘broken society’ campaign has been harvested straight from the Conservative Christian Fellowship, and you’d be forgiven for thinking that British politicians do ‘do God’. They just don’t want the voting public to know that.

And this is, to a certain extent, in-

evitable. The array of faiths in the UK is highly diverse, far removing it from America, for example, where Christians decidedly make up the majority.

Politicians can’t argue on a religious basis, irrespective of whether they should, because by allying themselves to one faith they would run the risk of losing voters of another. Perhaps less pragmatically, we are part of a society shaped and buffeted by the Crusades, Oliver Cromwell, the Irish conflicts and even religion-based football rivalries. Our history contains many examples of what can happen when religion and politics get too intertwined, warnings best heeded.

Henry VIII’s endless rounds of ‘Tudor Blind Date’ (beheading vs.

Cilla Black – some might say it was less cruel) also helped to dramatically loosen the church’s grip on political affairs. In his quest to marry Anne Boleyn and divest himself of first wife Catherine of Aragon, he effectively gutted the English faith, setting down the foundations for the modern Church of England, now a rather neutered, laissez-faire affair of polite discussion and the occasional church service. In the words of the comedian Eddie Izzard, a threat of “You must have tea and cake with a vicar, or you die!” is unlikely to strike fear into the hearts of mortals and inspire the kind of religious fervency necessary to give the Church a loud enough voice to become a real player

in British politics.

However, despite all of this, it remains the case that politics and religion are unlikely to ever be entirely divorced from one another. Political decisions do require some form of moral framework. To ask those with religious beliefs to deconstruct their views of morality and justice by removing all influence of their faith would be both impossible and just plain stupid.

Of course, by stating this I am not suggesting that a valid moral framework cannot exist without religion, as that view degrades the very concept of humanity by assuming that we are all essentially immoral creatures needing the words of some superior, all-knowing being to function. This, in my eyes, undermines our capacity for free, reasoned thought, and implies a lack of faith in our own abilities. But despite this, it is nonetheless clear that naturally, a person’s religion – or lack thereof - is going to shape their decisions and motivations. A problem only arises when supposed religious authority is used to condone actions unjustifiable under any logical grounds.

This of course, isn’t difficult. Try the Bible; it wouldn’t take too much interpretation to twist the Old Testament narrative of Noah and the Ark into a rationale for genocide. You could imagine Hitler reading it and thinking, ‘Hmm…a powerful author-

ity ‘cleansing’ the earth of the unfaithful, leaving only his chosen few…well that sounds like a plan! And if God did it - then it can’t be wrong!” The

“

In the words of the comedian Eddie Izzard, a threat of “You must have tea and cake with a vicar, or you die!” is unlikely to strike fear into the hearts of mortals and inspire religious fervency." very holy, unquestionable status afforded to religious texts rules out the compromise, criticism and re-evaluation necessary for capable political decision-making. The power afforded to these texts by many people makes them a dangerous weapon best isolated from the political sphere.

In short, if you’re thinking about going into politics, don’t feel you need to throw away your Bible. But if someone asks you a question, for God’s sake don’t tell them He told you to do it!

of the sectarian divide and this is promising for the future of Northern Ireland.

The Republican splinter groups clearly still pose a very real threat and will continue to do so until they are brought to justice. They must be treated as criminals and not political activists. Already the police have taken two men into custody.

The main Loyalist paramilitary organisation, the Ulster Volunteer Force, has already made clear its opposition to any retaliatory violence against Catholics in response to the recent attacks. This is largely because the Loyalists see the recent attacks not so much as a re-declaration of war, but rather as a leadership challenge to Sinn Fein. What we are seeing in Northern Ireland is a fight for the soul of Republicanism which is unfortunately being played out in the open and with tragic consequences.

Those who committed these barbaric attacks are a generation too late.

The Real IRA and the CIRA accuse Sinn Fein of betraying the Republicans. But It is these separatist groups that are threatening to betray the peace process and who have betrayed the people, who will simply not accept a return to open sectarian violence.

These groups need to accept that there really is no turning back.

Feeling opinionated? comment@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Comment 9 Twitter or Twat?

Sleepy heads

Henry Birkbeck isn't convinced by the latest proposals for eduation reform: long lies and fewer exams

Y

ou know that feeling when the alarm goes off, and you want to smack it across the room and stay asleep forever? Do you remember it being even worse a few years ago? According to recent research, difficulty waking up is a part of most teenagers’ lives, and may contribute to underperformance at school, at least in the earlier classes of the day. This, surely, is not a groundbreaking revelation – teenagers like to sleep lots, and are tired in the morning. However, this research also suggests that the cause (for teenagers, remember) may be biological: they cannot help wanting to lie in, apparently.

Of course, a lot of people think that teenagers are just lazy,” Prof Russell Foster of Oxford University says, “I’m sure some of them are lazy, but there clearly is a biological predisposition for going to bed late and getting up late.”

Dr Paul Kelly, head teacher of Monkseaton High School in North Tyneside, is using this research to push for 10.30am starts for schoolchildren, as teenagers reportedly cannot learn to their full capabilities before 11am.

Not too long ago, I myself was a teenager. I remember the late nights and early starts, the way my forearms felt just like a pillow during the first class of the day, and the joys of sleeping until lunchtime on weekends. But I’m pretty sure I was always tired in the morning because I stayed up later than I should have. I don’t recall my body clock giving me the “uh-oh” feeling if I tried to sleep before

midnight. Instead, I would either be doing homework, because I hadn’t started it soon enough, or talking to friends, or idly surfing the internet (or all three simultaneously).

Don’t get me wrong, I was not a fan of the 6am starts, and I was sometimes incoherent until closer to lunchtime.

But I acknowledge this as my own fault.

Had I nurtured a more sensible sleeping habit, I’m sure early mornings would have been less of a problem. Therefore the idea that teenagers could be allowed a lie-in seems unnecessary.

Was this research undertaken by teenagers? Might that explain its suggestions? Let’s think about how a teenager would treat such a situation. Surely, if school started two hours later, they would simply stay up an extra two hours the night before; this would only appear to make their habits worse. Most teenagers are smart enough to understand that the less you sleep, the more tired you will be the following day—after all, “biological predisposition” does not inhibit their reasoning capabilities. And if Santino the chimp can premeditate and plan his actions, it is safe to say that the average sixteen-year-old can too, regardless of what time of day it is.

Early mornings are an issue not solely restricted to teens: most careers involve early starts, something adults have to get used to. We all know teenagers need their sleep, but it seems far more likely that being sprightly in the morning is a result of habit, not biological hardwiring. Perhaps Dr Kelley, who has also pioneered shorter lessons, is

merely catering to the demands of the “A.D.D. Generation”, which is allowed to do what it wants, when it wants.

Furthermore, it seems that this sort of proposal is not the only way in which the British system of education could be given a thorough shunt into the twenty-first-century. Anthony Seldon, headteacher of Wellington College, has recently drawn attention to his belief that UK schools overload students with standardized testing. He believes that the present structure of national external exams “celebrates dullness” through its reliance on knowledge of facts, and that schools’ dependence on results reflects poorly on the experience of the student.

“

Perhaps Dr Kelley, who has also pioneered shorter lessons, is merely catering to the demands of the “A.D.D. Generation”, which is allowed to do what it wants, when it wants.”

The problem is that there are no other apparent methods to objectively assess schoolchildren. Reliance on standardized forms of testing may not be ideal for the overall assessment of a child, but they shed light on a particular skill, and

do so in a format that attempts to transcend the differing methods found in other types of assessment.

"We do not need so many national external exams – we could perhaps get away without any until the age of 18, as they do in America," Seldon says. However, this is somewhat incorrect. America has two major pre-university standardized tests: the SATs and the ACTs. In addition to this, however, there are countless aptitude tests, and many states offer their own standardized testing—compulsory in most schools—so it is quite normal for an American student to take a similar amount of external examinations as their British counterpart.

The issue is that it’s easy to point out what’s wrong with these exams, but not much of an alternative exists. Throughout university, and in many professions, exams—like early mornings—are just a part of life. To judge a person only by their performances in external exams is one thing, but to scrap them in favour of a more flexible methodology is somewhat missing the point: there are plenty of opportunities in most schools for children to be assessed on the basis of creativity, individuality or reasoning skills.

So will we soon see teenagers ambling into school minutes before midday, to enjoy a day of short classes and devoid of examinations? Possibly, but the likes of Dr Kelley and Anthony Seldon are going to have to provide a fuller explanation as to how this will have a positive effect before this grumpy adolescent is convinced.

Politicians have jumped on the blogging, Flickring, and most recently, Twittering craze with the same enthusiasm that I, and I’m sure many readers, once picked up our pogs and tried to put the yo back in yo-yo. In the political playground web presence is key.

But what should we, the bewildered constituents, make of our politicians attempts to out-blog and out-twitter their opposition?

Critics of this latest attempt to connect with oters have read the MPs’ one-hundred and fifty character offerings with disdain. Some argue that these tweets are a desperate attempt to engage web-savvy young voters and claim a last semblance of cool for their party. Others argue that beleaguered MPs are taking refuge from a torrent of very real political and economic gloom in the more distant cyber-world, where criticism, however vehemently typed, is easier to dodge.

Both these critiques miss the wider picture. Far from being the last resort of weary politicians, twittering, along with the blogging and social networking that preceded it, has become powerful tool for the politically ambitious. During his campaign, President Obama was one of the first candidates to whole heartedly embrace and exploit the internet, leaving the opposition in his cyber-dust. In both the peaks and pits of popularity politicians are now expected to be very much online.

So what can British politicians hope to achieve through these modern-day, and generally less poetic, haikus? Twittering, it seems, is best kept personal.

While both the Tories and Lib Dems have adopted all-party tweets these amount to little more than sound bites from their manifestos and dry summaries of the party’s weekly goings on.

With insights such as ‘Alex Salmond quite fancies his own commonwealth’ the leader of the Scottish National Party offers the most entertaining tweets by far. Sadly these are almost undoubtedly fakes.

Meanwhile Gordon Brown’s tweets have a distinctly ‘behind the music’ feel as though they were written by a troupe of loyal roadies. Yet this budget documentary vibe taps in surprisingly well to what makes twittering so appealing. Snippets of 150 characters encourage a frankness that formulated blogs and calculated responses do not.

And while we cannot expect our officials to shed their Whitehall mystique completely twittering offers a unique view of politics without the polish.

Astute politicians will recognize the thin line between presenting a human face and appearing all too human.

While voters may want to connect with their representatives at an increasingly intimate and immediate level this isn't a sounding board for whatever dubious thoughts bubble to the top of our public and political minds. Prince Philip’s ‘candour,’ far from making him a fond national relic, has placed him at the centre of a collected effort to prevent his cringe-worthy asides whenever possible.

Twittering is neither a cyber package break nor an open invitation to strip bare for their public. Yet is does present a crucial opportunity for politicians to justify themselves to their increasingly gloomy constituents: to say in simple terms this is who I am, what I stand for and what I plan on doing about it. Given that much of the British populace currently feels more inclined to vote for the next Walker’s crisp flavour -Cajun squirrel or Builder's Breakfast- this is an opportunity politicians cannot afford to waste.

Mairi Gordon

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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The Student is always looking for Th e Student always looking for creative andisenthusiastic people creative andreviewers, enthusiastic people - reporters, illustrators, -photographers, reporters, reviewers, illustrators, designers photographers, to join our team.designers to join our team.

If you're interested, here's how to track Th e next issue will be our last of the us down: year - your final chance to contribute if you want to see your name in print » In person: Meetings are held in the before September.

Pentland Room, Pleasance, every Tuesday at1:15pm If you're interested, here's how to track us down: » By email: editors@studentnewspaper.org » In person: Meetings are held in the The next Room, issue will be our last of Pentland Pleasance, every 2008/09,at1:15pm so please get in touch if you Tuesday want to contribute before September.

A quick history...

The Student was launched by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson in 1887, as an independent voice for Edinburgh's literati. It is Britain's oldest university newspaper and is an independent publication, distributing 6,000 copies free to the University of Edinburgh.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lord Kitchener, David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill are a few of the famous people who have been associated with the paper. In the 1970s, Gordon Brown was the editor in chief, working alongside Robin Cook who at the time was in charge of film and concert reviews.

Facebook alterations reveal the web's injustice, and the tragic nature of student life

very six months or so the controllers E of Facebook (picture them, spiderish figures at the centre of the interweb) take

it upon themselves to fiddle with their website. They doubtless do this in earnest hope of making the interface more user-friendly and intuitive (or perhaps of sneaking in more adverts and devious data traps) but they surely can't be aware of how irritated the world's student body gets every time.

Logging into Facebook isn't like going to other websites. It's like turning the key to your house. No matter how convenient the alterations actually are, logging in and finding everything irritatingly different, with buttons in different places, and homely phrases replaced by unfamiliar ones, is like coming home and finding your house's previous residents re-arranging the cutlery in your kitchen drawers because "it makes more sense this way".

It's as though some unknown organisation came over and, unannounced and without giving you a chance to appeal, redecorated your house with improved Feng Shui and more harmonious colours.

And a futon. And lots more irritating applications that want you to be a pirate.

Perhaps these changes are so unsettling because they remind us how fragile the virtual world is. Just think: if Facebook ran out of money next week (and that's not impossible: the company's in a constant financial struggle to buy enough bandwidth to cater for its army of users) then all of your carefully-ordered university memories would be erased from history. No-one would know how photogenically wasted you got that one time. All that de-tagging will go to waste.

On the other hand, we might start having nights out again without wondering whether we're having enough fun for Facebook's official record.

Correction: Last week The Student excitedly revealed the name of EUSA's new chief executive to be Tony Blackburn. He's actually called Anthony Blackshaw.

Your Letters UGLY MAN CONTROVERSY

L

ast week, in a rare f it of frivolity, The Student published a picture of an ugly man in the Puzzles & Teasers section, appealing for information from anyone who might know why that unfortunate individual is Google Images' def inition of ugly masculinity. We received two conflicting epistles: one an entertaining if fanciful description of the writer's encounter with Ugly Man, the other rather more prosaic.

Dear Sir, I am so happy to see that you have raised awareness for ‘Ugly man’. I ran into him myself while touring Europe. His story is harrowing.

Firstly, his real name is Kristoff Bianco, and he is the son of a liverpudlian singer-songwriter and Italian shoemaker.

Born in 1958, Kristoff was taunted for many years due to his bulbous noise, and “bell-end” hairstyle.

However, Kristoff was blessed with the voice of the purest Cherub - the most versatile voice ever to have graced God’s planet.

In his teens, Kristoff released many demos, all attracting the biggest record producers at the time.

He had mastered all styles Jazz, Blues, Rock, Disco and even Opera. Yet his face crippled all audiences that saw him.

Most could not comprehend his countenance, other just screamed “burn the witch” This forced Bianco to seek ugly exile - Belgium. Kristoff told me that he spent many years here.

Weeping in the back allies of Belgian cities, his cries sending the locals into trances of harmonious joy.

When I met him in 1994, on the harbour town of Zeebrugge, he was a sorry state.

His face already the portrait of 3000 ‘half-chewed fruit pastels’, and 70s belgian fashion had possessed him with its stubborn hands,

only emphasising his hideous features.

We spent weeks together, covering his sad existence.

However, I managed to convince him to return to Britain - and that he did, with the fieriest of all known vengeance!

This is where I lost contact with Kristoff, his beautiful voice still dancing through my mind today I have never found out what happened to my little friend.

Some say he became the “ghost voice” for popular Idol ‘H’ from Steps Some say he’s actually ‘Our Graham’ from the ITV Saturday night hit ‘Blind Date’ Others say he stands in for Les Dennis on Radio Merseyside Sadly, we may never know what really became of God’s gift to humankind.

In credit to Kristoff Bianco, the ugly man with the voice of an angel.

Keith Liddle

Dear Sir, The “ugly man” featured in the March 10th edition of The Student is in fact part of a genuine advertising campaign for Bianco Footwear, a Danish-based franchise shoe-store company operating in Denmark, Sweden, Finland, Norway, Germany and Russia.

Part of the company’s advertising method involves non-conventional advertising campaigns, examples of which can be seen on the company website at www.bianco.com/campaign.html and www. bianco.com/campaign/earlier_campaigns.html. Following the latter link, you should be able to see the “ugly man” used as advertising for the company back in 2000.

But I don’t know what’s up with his nose.

Lars Riisnaes Edinburgh University student and former Bianco employee.

Disclaimer

The Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors, however, reserve the right to edit or modify letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith The Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole.

Editors Ed Ballard/Lyle Brennan News Neil Pooran/James Ellingworth SeniorNewsWriters Guy Rughani/Anna MacSwan/ Anne Miller Comment Mairi Gordon Features Jonathan Holmes/Rosie Nolan/Lee Bunce/Catherine McGloin Tontine Julia Sanches/Geoff Arner/Hannah Rastall Lifestyle Kimberlee McGlaughlan/Maddie Walder Art&Theatre Emma Murray/Hannah Ramsey/Rachel Williams Music Andrew Chadwick/Jonny Stockford Film Tom MacDonald/Sam Karasik TV Fern Brady/Susan Robinson Tech Alan Williamson/Craig Wilson Sport Martin Domin/Misa Klimes Copy Editing Wanja Ochwada/Eleanor McKeegan Design Arvind Thillaisundaram Illustrations Genevieve Ryan/Henry Birkbeck Photography Calum Toogood/Julia Sanches Website Jack Schofield President Liz Rawlings Secretary Rachel Hunt Treasurer Madeleine Rijnja

Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Tel: 0131 650 9189. The Student lists links to third party websites, but does not endorse them or guarantee their authenticity or accuracy. © Student Newspaper Society. All rights reserved. No section in whole or part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. The Student is published by the Student Newspaper Society, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Distributed by Lothian Couriers, 3 John Muir Place, Dunbar EH42 1GD. Tel: 01368 860115. Printed by Cumbrian Newsprint (part of the CN Group), Carlisle Print Centre, Newspaper House, Dalston Road, Cumbria CA2 5UA, on Tuesday March 17 2009. Tel: 01228 612600. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

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No sex please...

With some 60 million people worldwide potentially indifferent to the prospect of a physical relationship, Eloise Kohler says it's time to acknowledge asexuality as both a fact and a sexual orientation in its own right arlene Dietrich once cracked M that "in America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact." Well, while the obsession with sex has certainly spread from America to engulf most of the western world, it is becoming increasingly clear that the second half of her statement may also be outdated.

In the sexed up society that we inhabit, it is hard to imagine someone who does not experience sexual attraction. However this is the definition of an asexual: a sexual orientation which is just starting to gain much interest and publicity due to the comparative dearth of information on the topic. Contrary to celibacy, which is the lifestyle choice to abstain from sex, Myra T. Johnson. author of Asexual and Autoerotic Women: Two Invisible Groups, depicts asexuals as people "who prefer not to engage in sexual activity." It is an inherent part of who an asexual is, just as someone has blue eyes or brunette hair.

As the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) explains, many asexual people experience attraction, yet feel no need to pursue the attraction sexually: "Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us." They do not lack the need for close relationships; some asexuals, just as with members of any other sexual orientation, are happier by themselves, while others marry 'for companionship' and hold group sleepovers on their wedding night.

Like all other human beings, the

asexual community vary widely in their emotional requirements.

As asexual Edinburgh student Molly, 18, explains, asexuality is "like everyone being obsessed with something and you don't really understand

“

Asexuality is like everyone being obsessed with something and you don't really understand why" - Molly, 18 why. Like a TV show that everyone else loves, but just doesn't appeal to you despite all your friends going on about it. It's like a disinterest."

So why the sudden media attention?

In the mid-twentieth century in an attempt to portray a sexual demographic, Alfred Kinsey, the father of sexology, allocated "X" for individuals with "no socio-sexual contacts or reactions."

He placed this category at 1.5% of the adult male population, a relatively small percentage which is nevertheless a significant number of people.

Yet this elusive "X" is only just beginning to be the subject of scientific examination. After the AIDS epidemic gained momentum in 1994, a research team carried out a detailed study of sexual preference, to which 1.05% of the respondents replied that they had "never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all." Assuming this statistic is true,

it would place the asexual population of the world at over 60 million people, a phenomenon which Professor Anthony Bogaert noticed in 2004, leading to much media speculation.

His investigation has since led him to the discovery of factors which make asexual orientation more probable. He recognized that the most obvious influence was gender, with women twice as likely to be asexual as men. Late puberty, poor health and religious devotion were also other factors which made asexuality more likely. Another important predictor is age, with many people first becoming aware of their feelings at around the age of 10, the start of puberty. However this realization is heavily dependent on people's first sexual encounter, with it correlated to the exposure of young people to the opposite-sex.

Consequently, some individuals may have never had the opportunity to experience sexual attraction, if for example they went to a same-sex school. Thus even though adolescents are more likely to be asexual, they may also be described as being "presexual."

It could be argued that in the freedom of the 21st Century that asexuals are only just starting to "come out" and flaunt "A-pride," which might also explain the recent publicity. AVEN was founded in 2001 by David Jay and a lot of the supposed growth of the asexual community can be attributed to the site. It was created with the intention of developing public acceptance

and as an informational resource explaining asexuality. It also aims to facilitate communication amongst the asexual community via a forum to share their individual experiences. It has since become the world's single largest online asexual community and its success has led to many "spin-off " sites for networking asexuals, including 'Acebook' (yes Facebook purely for asexuals) and the 'Haven for the Human Amoeba'.

However despite all the attention, many people have still not even heard of asexuality. Undergraduate Zoë Pruce summarised a not uncommon perspective by saying: "I don't know enough about it to have a view on the subject." Yet if the initial research done on the topic is correct, then asexuality would be as common as homosexuality.

Which means that we all probably know at least someone who would describe themselves as asexual. So why is it still such a fringe-issue?

“

We all probably know someone who would describe themselves as asexual" Some people argue that this is because there is a certain taboo about the 'coming out' of asexuals. Whereas if someone was gay there would be a necessity to explain to friends and family, if someone is uninterested in either sex why do

people need to find out? Yet in our society, where sexual desire is taken for granted, why should asexuals have to lie to be accepted? A sexual advance made by someone outside of an individual's sexual orientation is generally not met with enthusiasm, whether straight, gay or asexual.

Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, and by definition they do not want to be pursued be anyone, so should not be. Asexuals should not need to conform. It is part of their identity.

Another reason it is especially hard for asexuals to reveal their feelings is that to a minority, asexuality is just another fad to explain anyway not being able to 'get any'. Student William Sharkey supports this: "I am inclined to believe they just haven't found the right person." For a few, when questioned on asexuality, they imagine a not-so-attractive teenager desperate for an excuse for their lack of a sex-life. This ignorance is met with indignation by Molly, who looks far from desperate: "Not many things annoy me as much as people who attribute asexuality to ugliness. If people can be heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual and transexual, why can it not just be another way to be?"

At Edinburgh University, it is hard to believe that a growing number of young people don't want to have sex. Yet by proclaiming their sexual preference surprising, we're projecting our own feelings onto them. Besides if sex is the only way we define a relationship, then what does that say about us?

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

features@studentnewspaper.org

12 Features

Students from all over the world, join hands

With more degrees than ever being awarded to students from outside the European Union, Liz Rawlings reveals how international students are exploited as cash cows by universities, and guinea pigs for the government's more objectionable schemes

his academic year has witnessed T some of the most dramatic changes ever seen in the university

system: fee prices have soared above inflation, fingerprinting has begun for student biometric ID cards and the UK Government has announced tough new conditions detailing who is eligible to study here. The fact that these measures only apply to international students is indicative of a growing problem in UK Universities, where it seems foreign students are treated separately and unjustly.

Last year one in five degrees awarded by British universities went to international students, defined as students from outside the European Union. At the University of Edinburgh there are 6000 international students, with over 130 nationalities represented. However, international undergraduates pay over three times the amount of a British student, for the same courses and the same contact hours. Moreover, this year, UK Universities increased fees for international students to above-inflation rates. The University of Edinburgh now has the fifth highest fees in the UK for its foreign students, after Oxbridge and London universities, with science courses costing £13 800 a year and humanities comparatively 'cheap' at £10 500.

These inflated rates are justified on a supply and demand basis: international students are prepared to pay higher fees to study at Edinburgh, and would be expected to pay similar fees for courses in the US and across Europe. However, with fees continuing to rise, the UK is in danger of pricing itself out of the market and losing its steady flow of overseas students. This would be regrettable for the university: decreasing campus diversity, and of course, losing vast pools of cash in this already challenging economic era.

However, many students feel they are being exploited by the current system.

This leaves incoming international students with a quandary: boycott the high fees and risk losing their education in Edinburgh or pay the fees (if they can afford them) knowing they are extortionate.

Current Edinburgh students have expressed their dissatisfaction at the prices they pay for an education in Scotland. Karishma Sundara, a first-year English Literature student who is originally from Bangalore told The Student: “We understand quality education comes with a price, and that’s why so many of us travel 12 hours or more to get here, but it's grossly unfair for us to be paying three times and in some cases even more

for the same education provided to other students. Our desire for a quality education does not make us liable for such gross discrimination; we may be foreigners but we’re certainly not geese who lay golden eggs.”

Blame cannot be placed solely on individual universities for fee hikes.

Currently the government doesn’t cap how much universities can charge its international students and, more worryingly, doesn’t even know the individual prices charged at each UK University. The figures quoted in this article were compiled by The Guardian’s Mike Reddin, a former LSE professor who meticulously rang round university admissions staff, only being given the information with ‘extreme reluctance’. The Student contacted Universities UK, the Department for Innovation, Univerties and Skills, and

“

We understand quality education comes with a price, but it's grossly unfair for us to be paying three times more for the same education provided to other students" Karishma Sundara, First year International student

the Higher Education Statistics Agency, and none of them had accurate, up-to-date information about the prices international students at each UK university pay for their education. As Reddin points out, ‘this debate merits a good factual foundation’ and currently the Government and Higher Education bodies do not have the data to effectively analyse the problem. Moreover, this lack of data is hardly conducive to a Higher Education system that represents the views of its international students, let alone dealing with their monetary and equality issues.

It isn’t just high fee prices which have caused unrest among international students in Edinburgh.

Speaking to students in Richmond Place –a huge block of university accommodation filled almost entirely by international students– it is clear that the price of living is affecting their education experience. Miyuki Akashi, a postgraduate History student said: “As well as the fee prices, I under-

estimated the cost of living here in Edinburgh which is very expensive. As a foreign student it is difficult to get a part-time job so now I am struggling.

I love it here but the cost of studying is damaging my degree”.

Miyuki’s experience is not unusual; while there are initiatives in place to encourage international students to come to Scotland and to keep them here after graduation –the Scottish Government’s Fresh Talent scheme allows foreign students employment for two years without a work permit– there is little help for those wishing to work part-time while studying. International students can legally work up to 20 hours a week, but in reality it is difficult to secure a job without a National Insurance Number, and foreign students often lose out in the part-time job market.

The monetary problems faced by foreign students were further exacerbated last month when the Government announced an unexpected rise in fees to apply for a student visa. On 23 February the Home Office increased the fee for applying for a visa to study in the UK from £99 to £145, without consulting the education sector. In addition, the UK Border Agency has announced that as well as having to pay fees up front, international students will now have to show that they have at least £9 500 in savings in order to study in the UK. With the new rules facing heavy criticism, vice-chancellors have expressed their concerns about their implementation: Diana Warwick, chief executive of vice-chancellors umbrella group Universities UK, said she was ‘disappointed’ that the visa hikes had been decided without consulting the sector and warned about the effect such a move would have on relations between UK Universities and students from abroad: “The increase in fees will come at the same time as a number of other changes in the UK's immigration system, and the UK government is in serious danger of sending out a message that it does not welcome international students [who] contribute far more to the UK academically, culturally and financially than they use in terms of public resources” she said.

Warwick has highlighted an inherent contradiction in the treatment of the UK’s international students: the increase in fees, visa prices and new Border Agency regulations contrast with UK universities' outward perception of welcoming and actively recruiting students from overseas.

Indeed, from an outside perspective it seems that universities are preoc-

cupied with their overseas reputation.

This year UCL changed its name from ‘University College London’ to ‘UCL: The Global University’, and at the beginning of the month Napier University became ‘Edinburgh Napier’ in an effort to attract more foreign students who might not have been aware where ‘Napier’ was.

It seems there is a crisis between the government and university institutions. While universities clearly charge foreign students too much for their degree programmes –leading new Edinburgh Rector Iain Macwhirter to describe international students as ‘cash cows’, for the institution– the university still provides an educational service.

Government legislation and fees have no such excuse, and university officials have therefore taken issue with their treatment of foreign students.

Indeed, the introduction of ID cards for foreign students announced at the beginning of this academic year hugely damaged the relationship between the British Government and university international offices.

From November last year, students applying to extend their stay in the UK had their fingerprints taken for new biometric ID cards, which will eventually be mandatory for all non-EU students. This plan, which effectively sees foreign students trial the proposed UK-wide ID-card scheme has attracted opposition from civil liberties groups and universities, as well as international students themselves.Gavin Spoto, a postgraduate American student, told The Student: “I will not carry an ID card that links me into an intrusive government database. Scotland has been a welcoming country but I find it repulsive that

“

Currently the government doesn't have a cap on how much universities can charge its international students and, perhaps more worryingly, doesn't even know the individual prices charged at each UK University" we pay so much more than British students yet the government insists on treating us like

criminals.”

Adam Ramsay, President of the Edinburgh University Students’ Association also criticised the plans, labelling the scheme ‘discriminating’

“The increase in fees and changes in the UK's immigration system are in danger of sending out a message that the UK does not welcome international students" Diana Warwick, Chief Executive of Universities UK while focusing debate around the unfair nature of the legislation, stating: “ID cards linked up to a database are expensive, invasive and unnecessary. Picking on international students first is a cowardly, xenophobic act.

The government has failed to make a case for ID cards, and has specifically chosen a group who can’t vote to trial their intrusive scheme.”

This, it seems, is the clinching factor, one that has gone largely unrecognised in the mainstream media.

International students do not have a right to vote in Britain and therefore they are a portion of the population who will not decide the outcome of the next general election. As a result, this year foreign students have been subjected to increased fees, restrictive measures and xenophobic law, without the representative power to challenge Government decisions.

The issue of International students poses a huge problem for the UK education system: universities are struggling financially and are using their foreign students as an easy way to fundraise, further increasing the commercialisation of education. Moreover, the UK Government is viewing international students as guinea pigs to try out controversial law, at the same time as restricting entry to the UK for studying and raising visa prices.

With Education entering a difficult period, International students will be crucial in ensuring the survival and success of the British education system.

Universities and the government would do well to recognise this, and treat their foreign students with the same respect ‘homegrown’ students are entitled to.

Got a story to tell? features@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Features 13

6000

Number of international students at the University of Edinburgh

5th Highest

1 in 5

University of Edinburgh's standing anongst UK universities in terms of the fees it charges foreign students.

Degrees awarded to international students

by British universities in 2008

£13,800

300%

What an international science undergraduare can expect to pay per year

How much more international undergraduate students pay than British students

2 Years £9500

Time foreign students can be employed without a work permit, under recruiting scheme Fresh Talent

The minimum amount international students must have saved before being admitted to study in the UK

20 Hours

How long foreign students are presently permitted to work each week

studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 features@studentnewspaper.org

14 Features

The man who would be Kerouac

'America's most notorious author' James Frey talks to Lee Bunce about his career since his controversial debut A Million Little Pieces and his attempts to find a place in literary history othing in this book should be ‘N taken as accurate or reliable’, the line that introduces his recent novel

Bright Shiny Morning, has come to be the tagline to James Frey’s controversial career. In a deliberate nod to his highly controversial debut A Million Little Pieces, Frey has abandoned the biographical style of his past for a more conventional fictional approach with his most recent release, and in doing so might have staged the impressive literary comeback of the decade.

The details of the controversy surrounding his now infamous debut are well documented. Having marketed the book as a ‘memoir’ of his time in a rehab clinic, Frey was subsequently shown to have embellished much of its content, including the claim that he spent three months in prison after hitting a police officer with a car while high on crack, later shown to have been less than twenty-four hours for some minor offences. Three years on, Frey is understandably keen to avoid discussing the finer details of his pastindiscretions, but is quick to express his displeasure that the controversy was ever allowed to overshadow the content of his work.

“Yeah, it was frustrating, but I can’t do anything about it,” Frey laments.

“But I believe that over time if those books are good enough they’ll outlast the controversies related to them. If they’re good enough people are going to read them in 30 years and just think the whole hullabaloo was stupid. And I think that’s happening already, to a certain extent.”

In this respect Bright Shiny Morning, set in Los Angeles and featuring a large cast of intertwined characters that attempts to create a biography of the city itself, has been crucial for Frey. Seemingly desperate to leave his troubled past behind him and rebuild his reputation as one of America’s finest living authors, Bright Shiny Morning has allowed Frey a much needed escape from the media’s critical gaze.

“It was important,” he acknowledges. “It was important for it to come out, and it was important for it to be good, and to be big, and to prove that I

could write.

“I mean, a lot of the controversy relating to A Million Little Pieces was bullshit. I’m a writer, I can tell stories.

“

A lot of the controversy relating to A Million Little Pieces was bullshit.

Ultimately all that matters is that I can write" There may be controversies surrounding how I tell them or what they are called, but ultimately all that matter is that I can write.”

And write he can. While Frey has largely caught the headlines for all the wrong reasons, the quality of his literary output has almost never been called into question, gathering critical and commercial acclaim the world over. Indeed Bright Shiny Morning has been praised triumphantly by Trainspotting author Irvine Welsh, in a Guardian review in which he praised

“

Most of the writers I love were despised when they were working. They were all mocked and misunderstood, and if that's the place I'm in right now then I'm in the place I want to be" Frey's work if not his character, calling it ‘an absolute triumph of a novel’ and saying it was ‘so good that it makes Frey’s real-life resurrection from crooked biographer to great American novelist far more impressive than his

fantasised one from down-and-out drug monster to bestselling writer.'

“That was pretty sweet,” he says, raising a rare and revealing smile. “To have it written by a writer, not a critic, that was a thrill for sure.”

He continues: “I’ve been surprised by the reception, it’s been better than I expected it to be. I expected to get slaughtered everywhere, but the reviews have been for the most part pretty great. There have been a couple of terrible ones in America but I don’t even mind that. I sort of like it.”

A review in the LA Times was particularly stinging, calling it ‘a literary train wreck without even the good grace to be entertaining.’ Even here though, Frey is eager to paint a positive angle.

“I’d rather have the reviews be polarised. I’d rather have them spectacularly good or spectacularly bad than have them be in the middle.

If somebody reads a book I write and hates it so profoundly it still means I succeeded.”

Frey is unquestionably arrogant, and his confidence in the strength of his work is striking. Since his rise to prominence at the beginning of the decade Frey has made no secret of his desire to be viewed as the latest in a long line of great American authors.

“I’m not concerned with the now as a writer. Most of the writers I love were despised while they were working. Henry Miller, Jack Kerouac, Norman Mailer, Brett Ellis, Charles Bukowski, none of them were ever darlings of the literati. They were all mocked and misunderstood, and I feel if that’s the place I’m in right now, and the books are still being read, then I’m in the place I want to be,” he explains.

“I don’t care if I win the awards, or if I get invited to the book parties, or if I have a teaching job at a fancy school. None of that means anything to me. What means something to me is history, and trying to

WHAT 'S ALL THE FUSS ABOUT? THE STORY OF JAMES FREY'S CAREER April 2003 - A Million Little Pieces first published in the US as a memoir of his time in a rehab clinic

January 6 2006 - The Smoking Gun publish an article claiming many of the details of A Million Little Pieces had been embellished

June 2005 - Second novel My Friend Leonard, which picks up where A Million Little Pieces ends, is published

January 11 2006 - Frey appears on Larry King Live defending his work

September 2005 - Oprah Winfrey selects A Million Pieces for her monthly book club. the book goes on to sell over four and a half million copies in America alone

January 26 2006 - Frey appears on Oprah Winfrey's TV show and admits to many of the allegations made against him by The Smoking Gun

February 2006 - Frey is dropped by publisher Riverhead part-way though a two book seven figure contract June 2008 - Frey's 3rd release Bright Shiny Morning is released in America to positive reviews. Irvine Welsh describes Frey as 'probably one of the finest and most important writers to have emerged in recent years'

find a place within it.”

So does he think he’ll find his own place in history?

“We’ll see,” he replies abruptly. “I do think A Million Little Pieces will be read for a long long time.”

Frey’s next project, a proposed ‘theoretical third book of the Bible’ is already attracting interest. Provisionally titled ‘The Final Testament of The Holy Bible’, Frey describes the work-in-progress as ‘my idea of what it would be like if the messiah were walking the streets of New York City right now’ and is expected to see Jesus living with prostitutes amongst the city’s underclass. Frey once more gives a typically frank as-

sessment: “I think it’ll be a really really great book or it’ll be a complete failure. I like to think anything I ever do will be that. If you reach for things, if you take great risks in what you write and how you write it, it’ll either work really well or it’ll be a failure, and nothing in between.”

It is this world view that captures the true essence of James Frey. He is a writer who wants to be talked about, who wants to be read, and who wants to see his name in the news.

“I still believe in the power of books,” he tells me. “I still believe in the power of literature, I still believe you can write a book that can change somebody’s life, and that can change how people think and what they believe, and how they write. If I can write books that do that, and pay my bills, then that’s a success.”

“I mean, Time magazine in their review of Bright Shiny Morning had the headline ‘America’s most notorious author returns’. I saw that and I thought ‘Perfect, that’s where I want to be’”.

With just three books to his name so far, the jury is still out on whether James Frey will find the acclaim he so desperately seeks.

Going by his own criteria however, he isn’t doing too badly at all.

TONTINE

Charleine Boieiro www.charleineb.co.uk

Tontine

Vladimir So do you want to hear the story of how Big Vladimir Kovac ended up frozen to death in a man-size highchair overlooking the largest lake in the eastern provinces?

Why not, you say, we have time.

It begins in the mountains twenty-two years ago. A farm woman (a peasant in all times but our own), working hard to break the target for production in the latest cycle, pauses just to bring into this world the first an only child of Boris, the loping hornheaded labourer who carts away potatoes at the end of harvest season.

Pretty soon, this woman realises she’s given birth to a child of great density. He walks late, and speaks even later, and when adults talk to him his eyes peel upwards, gazing into the clouds or at the tops of the trees. Yet in the doctor’s surgery, they pick him up and put him on the scales and someone rushes in to take his photo, for this is something they haven’t seen before.

And as the boy grows, his mother realises, this child is not for writing or for maths. In class the teachers call him the statue: Immense, he stares straight taking nothing in. But in lunchtime and breaks he carries on his back, two, three, four (!) boys, and wins in fights with those five years advanced in age. The neighbors put their elbows on their fences, smile, and shake their heads; this boy is muscle through and through.

When the gym teacher takes his students on a run, out of the village and up through the forest, one great beast canters past all the rest. Vladimir strides off-centre, like a drunk at sea, yet he carries speed like a boulder going downhill.

His mother no longer worries that he can barely write.

He brings home trophies from the races that he wins. He has a photo with the provincial governor. The governor shakes his hand and tells him that it is boys like him who will build, bit-by-bit, the new future of the state.

When school finishes, he takes a job carting metal ore in the processing plant down the hill. On Saturdays he still runs in races, and in the evening he pulls his mother round town on a wooden cart. She likes to see the village as the sun sets. The villagers smile when she meets her eye. She’s a nice enough lady they all say, she with her funny son who is muscle through and through.

And far away as this is all happening, the great leader is eating a Salmon. He picks at the bones and rubs a flake of pink flesh his moustache, ‘why are we not a nation of swimmers?’ He wonders aloud.

A government functionary hears a knock at the door.

The leader is worried, he is told. He has a great concern that our nation is not showing superiority in the sport of swimming, it is recommended that the department of recreation act poste haste.

Later, the functionary sits at his polished desk. He is bald headed and a reformer among his species. He calls in an inferior, and asks ‘how many swimming pools does this nation posses?’ The inferior stumps for one per 5,000 citizens.

Stroking his head the bureaucrat wonders how he is to show his willing without an impossible expenditure on new pools.

Week 10

Charleine Boieiro

Children must swim in natural bodies of water he decides. They must do as I did when I was young. The inferior is called in and told; the people must swim in the lakes! Each town adjacent to a lake is to have assigned a lifeguard to guard the socialists of the future, and to teach them to swim where they wish. The functionary lights a cigarette from Europe, and dispatches the inferior back downstairs.

The inferior wonders where one is to find these lifeguards. He writes a letter to the governor of each province. Each region is to send its 30 best swimmers. These men will safeguard our lakes for the state. He marks the letter with the central government stamp, and slips 5 jars of ink into his satchel to take home.

A provincial governor gets a letter. He is to supply swimmers, from his, the smallest, state. He sends an officer, to visit the district’s 27 towns. He is to take one man from each and three from the provincial capital. He dismisses the officer and farts loudly when alone.

Vladimir is at the plant when a man arrives in the village. The man is asking for the best swimmer in the town. The villagers tell the man that they are mountain people; they do not swim but rather forage for food or hunt. Then one chimes in ‘how about our best runner?’ The boy is muscle through and through.

Vladimir says goodbye to his mother and takes the rickety bus down the mountain to the provincial capital. There a group of slender young men mill around. They are given a train ticket and a food token and make the 6-hour journey to the national capital.

At the department of recreation their lesson is brief.

They are to watch over the children of the state. They are to sit on their lifeguarding chairs from nine until six everyday. If a person is seen to be drowning in the vicinity, they are to climb down from their chair, and pull the person from the water. There is a pension and national holidays are observed.

Each boy is allotted a workplace. They are given a uniform; khaki shirts and shorts, and a train ticket to their lake. They are told that the lifeguarding chairs have been sent ahead.

Vladimir arrives at the lake. The town nearby supports a nuclear power plant. He lives in a room above the general goods store, eating hunks of bread and dry cured sausage. Everyday he runs to the lake, where he sits on his chair and watches the water. The people of the town toil in the power station all summer arriving at the lake each evening as Vladimir is heading home.

As October stretches on the workers stop visiting.

Vladimir sits in the chair everyday, statuesque. Still unmoved to action.

Leaves fall from the trees and begin to coat the surface of the lake near to the shore. One day Vladimir sees a branch and thinks, for a second, that it is a person floating far out in the water.

The wind rushing off the water now pulls up goose pimples on his skin. He buys a woolen vest from the general store.

That transaction is his only human contact, other than the purchasing of the half-litre of beer he buys and drinks silently in the local bar each night.

Snow falls in late November. It is over two months since any of the townspeople visited the lake.

Vladimir keeps warm by reminding himself of the runs he did in the forests back home. Recounting to himself each step and breath.

He does not put on a coat. He was told to wear his uniform when on watch.

Then one morning he spots a speck wiggling out in the choppy water. It’s a dog struggling hard to stay above the surface. Vladimir runs to the edge of the lake. He does not swim. That has not been tested thus far.

He steps into the lake and begins to walk towards the dog. The freezing water covers his knees, then his stomach, then his chest. Waves and currents try and push and pull Vladimir in all directions, and the water resists his strides as he moves deeper.

He keeps going. This boy is muscle through and through.

Soon the water laps at his mouth. He breathes through his nose and scans the lake. The dog is still far out of reach. He splutters as water is sucked into his nose and turns in to shore.

Glancing back as he emerges from the water to see the dog finally sink below the surface.

He sits on the lifeguarding chair, dripping wet. It is still only ten thirty. The sky is clear and the air is astoundingly dry and cold.

Vladimir reaches up to feel his eyebrows are frozen. The collar of his uniform is crunchy to the touch. He tries to remember a run but he is shaking too hard to concentrate. He covers his face with his elbows and closes his eyes. He begins to feel unaccountably tired. A weariness not comfy, but overpowering.

The lake freezes, piece by piece in tiny patches which are snapped and thrust up and down by the motion of the water.

Freezing again, forming jagged peaks and troughs. Row upon row of jagged mountains formed on a tiny scale.

That’s how Vladimir ended up frozen, in his chair, guarding the lake. Just as we found him a week and a half later.

That’s how Vladimir ended up lying on this iron sheet, a fire burning underneath.

We’re thawing him out so he can be sent home to his mother.

- Joe Reed

Creative Writing Award-Winners 2009 Grierson prize: Aiko Harman for ‘Mimicry’ Lewis Edwards Memorial Prize: Faye Cooke for ‘Auto Parts’ Lewis Edward Memorial Prize: Joe Reed for ‘Vladimir’ Sloan Prize: Aileen Ballantyne for ‘Queen Mary’s Clarsach.’

Tontine

17.03.09

Auto Parts

Queen Mary’s Clarsach

A sodden mattress picked up by the wind was hurled towards us, but you were more taken with the makeshift corrugated mat beneath your fissured soles (together by the skin of the uppers) on the cobbled corner. That sparked it off; how the fellas at

Rarest rowan frae singin greenwood growes an bends tae gie her bounty fine.

Ah tak the best frae yonder faerie tree, then tae a sauchie place ah dauner doon.

your dad’s’d laid them outside every door and how, when soaked to the ground, they tore so quietly.

Between my rights and hmms you rambled on.

The holidays you were sent up Hazel Grove Industrial Estate to sit amidst the oily invoices, as I imagine, swinging your legs in the swivel chair until your mother came to get you. Yes, I remember, butties for dinner and the odd increase in pitch whenever your dad had a go, like when you and your sister reorganised the office.

Sod it, here’s a fiver for the Rollerama.

I remember details, like how you couldn’t skate and how your sister could, the dread (unique to un-sporty children) at the prospect of three hours spent clinging to the barrier, blinking out the disco and her wave on each successful lap.

My heart might break up but for you cracking up when you tell the stories, maybe not.

They’re all like that, double-edged: the chin rubs that left you grazed; days which you spent in smoke-filled cars like dogs, noiselessly mad; the kiss once a year at Christmas before he nipped back to them. Tell me about his preference for your Muslim suitor – I thought he was from Hull! – over the unemployed one. Remind me how he wants you all to jump the bus to Hyde for his sixty-fifth.

Charleine Boieiro

He doesn’t want a fuss. Or how he’s asking for Mike and the Mechanics if you have to. Or recall the scrape of his chapped, arthritic hand against yours at her cremation two years ago, how he held on – despite your strengthened separation – like a child to the side of the skate rink.

-Faye Cooke

Mimicry It’s called a mimic in nature when a species wears the colors of its kin. There’s something in it: the hair the skin, the sound, even the way a thing breathes can be deceiving. The language of the body can so easily be copied – a close call, if you will, a rose by any other name.

Like a sheep in wolf ’s clothing, going by the wolf ’s name, a weaker creature conceals itself in what the stronger wears.

Some dazzle for distraction: the octopus’ calling card is a cloud of black ink. An ermine turns white its hair.

Call it camouflage or crypsis – to hide one’s body in a similar scape, to trick a killer, to keep breathing.

Charleine Boieiro

Lappet Moths lie dead like leaves, barely taking breaths.

Danaid Eggflies copy Monarch butterflies whose name strikes flight and fear into the feathered bodies of foes who know to avoid the poison orange they wear.

Photuris fireflies are nicknamed ‘femme fatales’; their hairy hoax to catch a prey is to fake its mating call.

The cuckoo bird fools other birds into calling its egg their own. They’ll feed it, raise it, breathe life into it, never questioning its different air or size, or why it does not come to its own name.

Milksnakes know coral snakes are poisonous, so wear their stripes, black-red-yellow, like caution tape on the body.

Uroplatus geckos are masters of disguise; their bodies are practically invisible to passersby. At a hunter’s call, the chameleon chromatically changes what it wears.

Evolution. A cunning adaptation. To freely breathe under the dubious spoof of a species by another name.

The clever care to modify their face or shape or hair.

In summertime the once-white snowshoe hare

turns its fur a rusty brown. An anglerfish’s funny body baits prey with a hook-like lure, analogous to its name.

There’s something in it: the way one knows how to call to another, knows the language of movement, breath, and scent. Knows it is home by what its mate wears.

In our bedroom, I wear my hair the way she has in photos. I breathe your body in as she would and I do not shudder when you call her name.

- Aiko Harman

Frae willow sweet, an fragrant yit frae quickenin beuchs o forest green, ah cairve in jist yae piece tae mak the soon’ cam ringin lang an clair an high.

Ah seal the soondbit weel nou at the back wi shilpie sliver o’ the faerie wuid.

A bit o plane tree fir the neck ah tak, sae strang and pale; it taks decorement weel.

Then fir the pillar that’s the spine o’ it, ah cairve alang the grain o aiplewuid.

An last, wi linseed an wi beeswax ah preser’ ma airt and fantoush cervin on ye nou.

A clarsach fir a lass sae sweet an fair, lang schuiled in Fraunce in notes sae doucely played – huntin, hawkin, rinnin free, smirtlin and lauchin wi a’ the bairns o the forest, she was a bairn hersel tae but yestreen, that’s nou oor swank an luesome Queen.

She spies ye. An wi a yowt o pleisur rins: a clarsach glazie, bricht an new, untae hersel she clesps ye ticht; an thair ye bide. An ye becam the singer o a’ the lass’s thochts and words.

Her robe, a skein o whitest muslin pirrs an flows, tae kiver herp an lass’s saicrets baith: a clarsach finely pierced bi hooks o gowd an bress an siller.

On baith a gowden chord is strung, her sang jowes oot sae high and clair, her thochts they ring sae true. But then: nae mair o singin.

Fir tae an English Queen’s domeenion she maun yield. Ma Celtic cross, cairved deep wi dule; ma draigons an ma lions – they bide here yit – but on a clarsach ratchit nou.

Yer singin greenwood’s pit tae final rest.

But cairvin’s ayeweys wi the timmer.

Wi a’ yer chords lang lost, ye lie sae quiet.

But in ma dreams ah hear ye. Ah hear ye yit ma lass.

- Aileen Ballantyne

Glossary: Ah = I clarsach: small harp, originally “willow board.” sauchie: willowed, where there are willows dauner: wander, amble quickenin: living beuchs: boughs soon’ : sound shilpie: thin decorement: decoration preser’ : preserve airt: craft fantoush: leading edge of fashion schuiled: schooled, taught cairvin: carving nou: now doucely: sweetly smirtlin: giggling lauchin: laughing bairns: children yestreen: yesterday swank: tall and slim luesome: lovely, loved, yowt: cry pleisur: pleasure glazie: shining, smooth clesps: holds bide: stay pirrs: ripples jowes: rings maun: must dule: grief, pain ratchit: damaged by rough use timmer: timber

Tontine

Week 10

Harry Potter reads

Oda al Smog

Lady Chatterley’s Lover Harry stroked his wand along Hermione���������� ’��������� s thigh.

Tremulously, he peered into her eyes, her soft eyes, before drifting his hand down the small of her back to clench her sweet rump. Despite the heady cocktail of centaur saliva and elf he had served with dinner, things weren�������������������������� ’������������������������� t proceeding smoothly at all. In fact, it was a complete disaster. Cardinal sin: he�’��������������������� d ��������������������� had to use the old wingardium leviosa to get her bra off. What if the Slytherin crew got their hands on that information? Perish the thought.

Every young wizard knows there is no quick fix spell for proficiency in the bedroom, but for a level 16 dragon slayer Harry was surprisingly gauche and anxious with the ladies. His attitude was that you����������� ’���������� re really ���������������������������� just a muggle when it comes to sex. Indeed, Ron (a regular little cad) had offered Harry some graphic muggle sex images and a book by the muggle author D.H Lawrence by way of guidance, but these vile documents were of little help to him now. He stared defiantly out of the window above the bedstead and recited a confidence hex as he mounted his young lover. Ah, Hogwarts� …

Outside, the stars sat silently and a single cloud could be seen lazily sleepwalking its way across the vast firmament. The roars of the Quidditch arena had quite died away now - that afternoon he had caught the golden snitch, snitch, snitch, snitch ah���������������������������� …no…������������������������ Voldemort, Dumbledore���’��s beard, Hagrid, Snape, Snape, Azkaban. It was all over.

Ungracefully,damply,Harry dismounted.

He rolled over, unapologetically sullen, thought about saying something - ����������������������� ‘���������������������� was it good for you?��’� perhaps - decided not to, then fell asleep.

When he awoke Hermione had left, and had left only the imprint of her body in his sheets, and her scent (Wormwood pour femme). The censorious broom of teenage angst took flight into the crystal sky of his discontent. Why couldn������ ’����� t he just be like Mellors, banging Lady Chatterley like a dog? Why was he so limp, so sexually wheelchairbound like that bastard invalid Clifford. Maybe Hagrid would let him use the hut for some kind of roleplay, yes, he would understand. Big oaf, probably hasn’t had any in years. But wait.

Hermione Granger … Constance Chatterley …Hermione…Constance …

Constance … Hermione. It wasn’t a problem with him, Harry, oh no, he thought - ‘I’m the fucking hero.’ Take Constance, he mused: ‘she had come to the real bed-rock of her nature, and was essentially shameless.’ That’s a real woman, sex for breakfast, fuck for lunch. Now look at Hermione, she’s just a morose, studious, frigid little witch, icy to the

Cada día reposas en el estanque del cielo, entras en la atmósfera, mezclas el aire fresco de las nubes con la ciudad que fuma en cantidades industriales.

Struan Robertson

touch, barren in the knickers - uneducated in the ways of the flesh. Harry was bubbling over by this point and brewed himself a cup of frog coffee to relax. It took effect quickly. He looked out of the window down onto the main square. He looked up, the sun was streaming into the valley beyond.

He looked down again. A figure was trundling briskly into the library with a pile of books. He couldn’t tell whether it was Hermione or not. It probably was, he thought.

‘Right, that’s it.’

Harry jumped back into bed, pulled down his pants, pulled the covers over his head and mercilessly wanked over Lady Chatterley until Quidditch practice, later that morning.

Ducks at a Barbecue.

-Alasdair Peoples

The ducks hang around like we own the place; campfire proprietors.

They busy themselves with menial duck-tasks, searching with their bills for work-permits.

We toss them wholemeal application-forms which they descend on with feathered enthusiasm.

Then they’re on their way, grumbling about “Work. Work.”

I watch them mooching about, scuffing their orange heels, and I sympathise…

Can’t be many jobs for ducks around here.

-Struan Robertson

Marina’s smoky tea A little warm house sits in the bottom of a cup.

Twice before such a sight’s been seen Both times to the delight of drunken Dunfermline

boys Passing with beer bottles and burnt pizza.

This is the third time and the little house sits unseen.

It bides patiently in the bottom of the cup waiting Waiting for that passerby, cooling slowly, and

weakening Through two small doors, crossed windows, and a

dented roof.

Two hours on the little house rests stone cold.

A kitchen stands dark and forgotten, A hallway whispers with the tastes and habits of old

flatmates, And busy draughts seek out the gaps and holes.

But then, just as a drizzle starts upon a sash window And a memory is stirred, floorboards creak soft and

unnoticed And gentle hands appear, concealed in the nick of

time, To warm a little house once more.

-James Shewan

Cada día te cuelgas en los pelos de mis fosas nasales, resbalas por mi garganta, te encuentro habitando en mis pulmones, empanizando mi piel, empañando el cristal de mis ojos; la ciudad se desdibuja grisácea como grafito de lápiz.

Eres vestigio de congestión; coches y cuerpos en reposo, siempre queriendo ir a otra parte, siempre esperando.

Eres escape, fumarola, ceniza de volcán, somos polvo de tu polvo; nebulosa que guarda los restos de nuestras almas.

-Natalia Herrero

Tontine

17.03.09

Tobias Flaps has a Dismal Time Ode to Smog Every day you rest in the pond of the sky, enter the atmosphere, mix the fresh air of the clouds with the city that smokes industriously.

Every day you hang onto the hairs of my nostrils, slide down my throat, I find you living inside my lungs, breading my skin, fogging the glass of my eyes; the city blurs like grey pencil graphite.

It’s all very well, thought Tobias Flaps, for most people. Better than very well, in fact, for your businessman or stamp designers, artists or horticulturists. His neighbour was a painter of trees, and he was delighted at the way things had been going recently, but then he would be, the bastard. Thinking about it, as Tobias did, it was all very well for more or less everybody on the planet except for himself. They didn’t get the calls. No, he would explain to the fortieth caller of the day, he didn’t know when their new season planner would be ready. When he had designed the things, he would attempt to explain, he had done so under the illusion that the seasons were somewhat predictable, that there were only four of them, and that in the event any new ones would somehow come along, there would be someone, somewhere, who could at least tell him why, and when the damn thing would go away again.

It was now two years since spring hadn’t come, since the leaves had grown back blue and bones had poked their way out of the ground in place of flowers. In place of summer was boomtime, when money grew on trees, which turned to dirt and worms in not-autumn, causing a dim recession that made non-winter seem a good deal gloomier and colder than it really was. By stillnot-spring, when the days were twenty-three hours long and every University in the country had sacked their meteorology department, Tobias was holding on with commissions and prayers.

By season nine, he was doing it with drink.

But somehow he’d kept up the illusion that he knew what was going on. Somehow he’d managed to let the people on the phones think that he alone knew when the madness would end, and when the normal four would come again. Looking out his window, as the season nine breeze began to waft with the unmistakable mothball scent of tenfall, Tobias gave a heavy sigh, and wished like never before for a half-hearted spring.

Brighton Pantoum

The Dark and Deadly British Isles, Sheltering under the squeaking rain, Shoppers, unconvincing smiles, Tourists stopping to complain.

Sheltering under the squeaking rain, Locals by the Kiss-me-Quick, Tourists, stopping to complain, Buy an overpriced rock stick.

Locals by the Kiss-me-Quick, Blame it all on Tony Blair, Buy an overpriced rock stick, Suck on it, and stop and stare.

Blame it all on Tony Blair, Shoppers, unconvincing smiles, Suck on it, and stop and stare, The Dark and Deadly British Isles.

-Robert Shepherd

It’s in the belly of pregnant leaves which carry baby-seeds that never grow, but jolt; the rhythmic shaking of the maraca-rattle fruit.

It’s on the mango petacón and the plátano macho, the comedic implications of chile, camote, chico zapote and Frida’s mostacho.

It’s in the bittersweet pulp of the tamarind tree and the edible redundancy of las tortas de tamal.

It’s in the twists and turns of your braided hair, the matte and gloss azabache embossed by strands of light.

It’s in the way you sing there’s no such thing as 100 centimetre hips, the female form enlarged from wasps to Coca-Cola bottle waists.

It’s on the peaks and valleys of Iztacíhuatl, the Sleeping Woman bewitching Popocatépetl, the Smoking Mountain.

You are vestige of congestion; cars and bodies at rest, always wanting to go elsewhere, always waiting.

Struan Robertson

-Robert Shepherd

Voluptuosa

It’s on the sky’s mixed palette.

It’s on the gray-pink-purple sunset.

It’s on the star-cloud swoon.

It’s on the bellybutton of the moon.

You are escape, fumarole, volcano ash, we are dust from your dust; nebula storing the remains of our souls.

-Natalia Herrero

Don’t Go Gently into this Good Night Despite all my phone conversations today I didn’t tell anyone About how I hit my head On a banister On the top floor of the Edinburgh Central Library.

-Natalia Herrero

Struan Robertson

-Luke Healey

Pinocchio by: Abigail Beeley (psychadelicfishdisco.blogspot.com) Dave Coates

Tontine

Week 10

17.3.09

Sanches

Sanches

They come to our plane of existence, take our jobs.

INT., NIGHT. In the front seats of a slightly beaten-up car we see two young men in their early twenties, DAN, wearing a loose shirt and unkempt jeans, and TIM, visibly more smartly dressed and slightly uncomfortable. Empty beer cans litter the area; the two are slightly drunk as we cut to them in the middle of what is a heated argument: DAN: You’re fucking not!

TIM: She’s beautiful, Dan. DAN: She bloody well must be, given what she is. Really massive tits. (Pause.) Do they even have tits?

TIM: Yes, Dan. Well. Most of them. Jess does.

DAN: Most of them? You’re telling me some of them don’t have tits? The female ones? I’ll be fucked.

DAN picks up a full can of beer and opens it as TIM speaks, obviously only half listening to TIM’s response as he takes a swig: TIM: Shut up. They’re very sensitive about the not having breasts. One of Jess’ friends at the Co-op doesn’t have any, or her right leg, and she’s really fucking down about it all the time. She doesn’t think she’ll ever find a boyfriend.

DAN: Shouldn’t be difficult. Get a male stiff. I’ll bet lots of them don’t even have eyes.

TIM is properly shocked at this, so he is! He shifts slightly towards DAN, his voice rising and his hands everywhere: TIM: Jesus, Dan! That’s not a word…that’s the kind of word you hear people who vote for the BNP using about people like Jess.

DAN: What, ‘stiff’?

TIM: Yes…that. Don’t say that.

DAN snorts.

DAN: What does the Politically Correct Brigade say we should call them now, then?

TIM: Them? There’s no term. The way you talk it’s like they’re some sort of….ethnicity. They’re just, just a huge different group of people, like people in wheelchairs who have cancer or something.

DAN: Fairly advanced cancer, I’d have thought.

TIM: Piss off. Isn’t there someone in your work, anyway? Like Jess?

DAN: What, Gary?

TIM: Possibly. He does that thing. With the spreadsheets.

DAN: Gary’s the only one I can think of. Could be others. You never know, do you? I mean, someone might look normal on the job, soon as they get home they’re pumping themselves full of formaldehyde and taking worms out of their lungs. Geoff probably does. I bet Geoff’s a zombie.

He says this last word with a very slight yet noticeable emphasis, half-deliberately trying to wind TIM up. TIM is shocked, again.

He finds he does get shocked rather a lot. It comes with the territory, he supposes.

TIM: Dan! And DAN is now going beyond half-irritated into actually irritated- the beer and the subject are getting to him- and the two are entering a pattern familiar to both of them: DAN: What, I can’t say zombie? ‘S what they are, isn’t it? I mean, if I’d said to you two years ago ‘Tim, in twenty months you’ll be shagging a girl who was dead for six months, but it’s actually totally acceptable because she came back to life in some really exciting yet implausible event’, you’d say ‘What, so I’ll be doing it with a zombie’?

Pause. Suddenly getting a thought: Hang on.

TIM: Yes? DAN: Jess works at the Co-op, right? Which one?

TIM: What? Oh, the one on Monroe Street.

Suddenly both are excited, everything earlier forgotten:

TIM: I’d have told you to fuck off.

DAN: The scaffy one or the posh one?

DAN: You’d have told me to fuck off using the word zombie.

TIM: The posh one. The scaffy one sells camping tools now.

And TIM is really angry now, angry at everything:

DAN: The posh one! Jesus! Jess…is she tall, blonde?

TIM: Well, that was before there was anyone around to tell us not to! Nobody was around to be offended! I mean, if I’d known Aunt Sylvia would be coming back then yes, I’d have been a little more careful with the inheritance, if I’d known that git from school would return from the dead I might have praised him a little less in our yearbook, but that doesn’t mean, it doesn’t mean…

TIM: That’s her, yeah.

This is a proper trailing off from TIM, and there is a pause before DAN responds: DAN: Lance? Lance isn’t a git.

TIM: He makes me play catch with his heart, Dan. He thinks it’s hilarious. I’ve no idea how he manages to breathe!

DAN: Shit. She’s never dead!

TIM: Well, not any more, no.

DAN: I’d have thought she’d have been more…

TIM: Decomposed? No, she was well preserved. She wrote a thank-you card to the firm that embalmed her, they’re pretty popular now. You wouldn’t know Jess was dead… had been dead.

It’s like I’ve been saying. They’re people.

DAN: Fucking hot people, at that. How’s the sex?

DAN smiles.

TIM grins, embarrassed, but he’s no prude:

DAN: He’s cool about it, see, Lance. Not like the others. I don’t think of him as dead.

TIM: Well…you know when everything blacks out just for a second, just before you come, and it’s like you’re on the boundary between life and death…you think that the place, where you are…that it could last forever if you could just do something slightly differently, but it never does?

TIM: (Sardonic.) What, you don’t see him as green?

DAN: (Oblivious.) Yeah. He’s just a guy, y’know. A regular guy.

TIM: And Jess is just a regular girl. They’re all just people, Dan. I don’t see why you have a problem accepting that.

DAN: I dunno. I always thought you stopped being a person after you died. Just became a lot of rotting stuff.

TIM is obviously appalled by this, but being appalled is now secondary to being exhausted. DAN is the reverse, meanwhile; this is a well-worn theme for him: TIM: Mmm. DAN: I mean, it’s like a movie, you know? You grow up in a world that seems to make sense and you think you understand it, and then something like that happens and there’s all these people that you had no idea even existed and…(sighs) …fuck.

TIM: She’s lovely, though. Jess.

DAN: I just don’t know how to cope with it, Tim. The world’s gone fucking mad. I mean, I thought it all finally made sense and suddenly it doesn’t and I’m mad at the fucking living dead! We’d have thought this was insane, before.

DAN: I…I think so.

TIM: Well, it’s pretty much like that.

(Pause.)

DAN: Fuck.

TIM: Yeah. Yeah, I know.

TIM, tired, picks up a beer.

DAN: Tim, you know that tolerance group of yours? Handing out your leaflets?

TIM: Yeah?

DAN: You should all just tell people about the sex. Everyone would be a fucking liberal then!

TIM: Well. Quite.

TIM: But it’s not their fault. The, um, formerly dead.

He opens the can of beer and swigs. There is a short pause as TIM looks satisfied and DAN looks, well, like he’s imagining having sex with a zombie, as that’s what he is doing, before scene ends.

DAN: Piss off. I know that.

- Robert Shepherd

Tontine

Shalechet

Charity shop hopping

Mutant

I

With one foot nestled in the crease between arse and thigh—

Taking my arm in the simmering buzz of the crowd, through the diabolo-spinners and gyring, half-naked drummers, she led me under canopies and curtains that climbed into sundown, staining the air red and purple, stirred with the neon bar-lights that awoke hothumming, weaving charms in the eyes.

You examined maps and counted unfamiliar coins, haggled with hostellers in respectable German.

Jackdaws flitted on the pavement pecking at apple cores and brown horse-chestnut leaves, retreating at our footsteps.

II

(like a seagull playing cripple) —I stroke clothes and things that you have slept in snogged in fucked in made love in died in: life tucked into folds of the old clothes

There was silence in that room, silent space and a square of clarity three storeys above, stressing the dust that settled on mountains of shoes, mountains of luggage chalked with catalogues of names, chalk drawing air from the room that had space for more silence.

(like the creases left on our cheeks by sheets: the weight of sleeplessness.)

They look worn, smell worn, were once torn, then mended.

- Julia Sans Chaises

Her mid-Atlantic accent melded with the calls of rucking bodies, reflecting soundwaves from London students and New York sightseers; she tripped among puddles and the bedlam of dancers, her skin highlit and spinning away from my melding mid-British accent.

Once the band sent the crowd re-singing the setlist through the streets I found her hands, found her pallor under the moonlight – her tawny eyes, cold silver, her Indias of spice – and exchanged nights, eye-freckled and glowing in the shifting light of a new year, til our voices reflected in each other’s ears and she might have been my twin.

-Dave Coates

A jackdaw flapped away as we came to the surface, apple core in its mouth, into peppery clouds.

Traffic droned in the distance. We walked home.

The choking town of my birth spews out supermarkets, fattens on fumes.

The old houses pucker to the poisoned river swelling wetly up against the wier.

You would wear a flower scent.

You would move across the earth without a crown, a leash, or a whip— with the most shining eyes shining straight into the star of centuries.

Were his answers waiting for him in the shoals of tesco bags?

Were they tangled in the trolleys?

But you are just a paper in a game, a digital dot beyond the space of a screen.

After this landmark of lonely endings, the river widens; accepts its placid, flaccid fate.

It spares no glance for the plastic towns, for the girls with Moloch-glazed minds, drinking by the towpath as the broken boys ride by.

And the people see no beginnings, only endings.

They fail to divine in its oily, algae mask what it once was, when it came from the circle of the first hills.

Killing out of hunger every day 30,000 children from one planet every day 30,000.

before slimy concrete clotted, numbed her rainbows, silted-up memory with sadness.

-B.C.

One hand may consciously crumple you, another might iron you against the pocket of his heart.

You would be another thing: perhaps, an awareness of the new consciousness within our Unity.

From here they pulled the waterlogged man.

The microwave he bought, earlier that mundane monday was tied to his feet.

So they cut the rope and left it there, bobbing gently in its two lines of newsprint.

You have been touched by a hundred hands of a counted value less than yours.

Their fingerprints dried into your skin make you dirtier.

Have you ever imagined the Earth without you?

Everybody, equal and free.

Their jobs would be to save the world.

Sulis

The keeper of my lonely liquid life Retreats, I feel it in our blood to the first place, the last pace, The blue stones falling broken, wise, where Twice upon a time I found you and witnessed Life, dancing heart to heart with death.

You are various little papers printed by people to destroy the world.

But it is not your fault.

You are an artifact – a fraud.

All of them, at least once, have concealed you— a shameful secret.

-Dave Coates

I used to fill tiny bottles I’d found with her water.

They had no corks and glass like pearl.

You never stop waiting to appear, then vanish again— still you remain a chasing debt.

The third forsakes you, until he finds you, stashed away, with a big smile.

III

Dealing

Joanna Rozniak

Thunder Pantoum It hardly ever seems to come, That slow and yet fantastic wail, The Downpour with its constant thrum, The whole world waiting to inhale.

That slow (and yet fantastic) wail, Courses over the chimney-tops, The Whole World, waiting to inhale, Catches sight of the sound, and stops.

Courses over the chimney-tops, Rumbles over the teeming throng, Catches sight of the sound, and stops, This is the foaming thunder’s song, Rumbles over the teeming throng, The downpour with its constant thrum, This is the foaming thunder’s song -It hardly ever seems to come.

-Robert Shepherd

Making people crawl into proportions of disgust, while in reality you don’t exist.

It’s time now.

Grab the scissors.

Cut up all the shreds of wrong that have constructed you.

- Niki Andrikopoulou

Tontine

Week 10 17.3.09

The Backside Hippopropaganda!

Jonathan Holmes

Jonathan Holmes

Smoking seriously harms babies who smoke

C O O L S M

O K

I

N’!

The Golden Hour

Music:

Readings:

The Forest, 3 Bristo Place

Billy Liar - Acoustic infectious punk. Billy Liar back on his home turf! Lucky us.

Andrew Philip - An answer to the question: “What’s Good About Poetry?” - launching his new book The Ambulance Box.

Wed. March 18th 8pm FREE BYOB Readings: Rosie Etherington - Prose and poetry from beyond the fold.

Lawrie Clapton - A savage youth, a beautiful new voice, a ruiner of many fine parties.

Robin J. Thompson - Killer on the Road. + Erica Duffy - releasing her new chapbook, The Succubus!

Robin Grey - He colours in his songs about love and life with guitar, banjo, ukulele, mandolin, piano, double bass, organ, percussion toys, and any other instruments he can afford.

John Langan - Insanely enjoyable, charismatic and eclectic singer-songwriter whose style is rooted in traditional Celtic music.

A joyful and relentless spectacle.

April: 22nd 8pm FREE BYOB

Chris Lindores - Poetic co-editor of Read This! Magazine takes the GH by the horns.

Sandra Alland - reading from her new chapbook!

Music: Earl Grey and the Loose Leaves - A brawling bar-room blues band that sounds like Captain Beefheart oan the train over tae Howlin’ Wolf ’s hoose fur a bevvy and a brace with Sonny Terry and the Mississippi Sheiks. Contagious.

Vadoinmessico - London based multiinstrumental pop geniuses come to Edinburgh to unfurl their magicly epic and cinematic vibe upon us. A treat to behold.

Mellow Mood - Not so mellow but totally groovy.

AN OPEN CALL TO COMIC ARTIST AND ILLUSTRATORS! The Edinburgh-based Forest Publishing is putting together a graphic novel anthology and we are looking for work from artists who combine words and images in various ways.

This anthology is an imaginary encyclopedia: a compendium of knowledge that is true, half-true, false, absurd or very confusing. A reader will come away from this book intrigued, amazed, mystified, puzzled, perplexed, bewildered, bemused and befuddled but not necessarily informed.

Your entry should explain something. It can be a piece of disinformation, speculation or thorough nonsense. It could be about how a tractor works, what heart burn really is, an explanation of longdistance running or zen. Facts are fine but, for this project, they are not the ultimate point. We’re looking for unique points of view on a widerange of objects and ideas.

Deadline: December 2009.

Adam Hanley & Dave Coates

Have a story to tell? lifestyle@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Lifestyle 15

Charity Fashion Show 2009

GOING OUT

Emma Leah Segal sneaks a peek behind the scenes of this month's biggest ball.

STEP INTO the Bowery – performance space, art gallery, bar and living room all rolled into one. A hybrid of everything that makes a good night in Edinburgh, the place promises to pump some innovation into the Southside landscape. Taking its name from a street in New York's Lower East Side which achieved fame as a haven for bums, the Bowery honours its DIY heritage with tin foil instead of wall paper and Yoko instead of John. Roxburgh place is a sprawling building: bandstand, bar, a tower and even a small theatre hidden somewhere between the levels of an old church.

W

ith only a few days left to go, the final touches are being added to the Edinburgh Charity Fashion Committee’s annual fashion show at the Corn Exchange. Now in its sixth year, the show (which has two nights – a student night on the 20th and a VIP night on the 21st) has become a permanent fixture on the social scene, and it's a testament to the committee that the Edinburgh show is recognised as the largest in Europe.

The show receives national coverage in both Country Life and Tatler and features students from the university as models and dressers. If that doesn’t instil you with some University pride, what will?

This year’s theme ‘Revolution on the Runway: A Strike for Change’ highlights the ever-present background goal of the show – to use fashion and glamour to make a difference.

The committee is keeping tight lipped about the exact manifestation of the theme on the night, but even the runway is receiving a makeover, with a variety of interwoven branches and the musical accompaniment of White Heath (an Edinburgh institution and favourite of the models).

Three charities will receive an equal proportion of the funds raised on the night. Last year, over £40,000 was raised through the launch parties, now legendary auction (how will they top Sting’s guitar?) and from the night itself.

Despite tough economic times the committee hopes to exceed this vast sum this year. Over the past five years, almost a quarter of a million pounds has been raised. The charities include the Neurology Unit at the Western General, Motor Neurone Disease Scotland and Maggie’s centre for cancer sufferers.

The charities are mostly funded by public donation. Maggie’s is the charity which is closest to the hearts of several members, with one girl having direct experience of a family friend who attended the facility.

Amongst the sponsors are industry website Fashion Monitor, i-on magazine, and hairdresser for the night, Edinburgh’s Freddy Antabi. If you came to the New Year’s Eve party at Amicus Apple or the Cabaret Voltaire launch party night, you can expect the same organisational skill and glamour on

the fashion show night itself. Though prime seating has sold out on the 20th, seats are still available at £15, as are tickets for the after-party, a steal at £3. If you are feeling flush, the VIP night tickets range from £75 to £125, however it is for charity and you do get a meal, wine and a goody bag.

The designers showcasing their spring-summer collections this year include Nicole Farhi, Bora Aksu, and Daks as well as some young

designing talent such as Mary Mary, an ex-intern at Luella and Cath Kidston. Betty Jackson confirmed by phone, as Alice Holland (women’s fashion director) joyfully recalled when asked. But this should not have been so surprising, and is a testament to the incredible reputation of the Edinburgh charity fashion show. As the committee itself asserts: ‘the sky is our limit; the runway our starting point’.

The downstairs bar brings on some nostalgia for basement dens of youth for escaping from the outside world. But no need for that here: the bar staff is friendly, serving you spirits in oh-so-fey cups and saucers. Thus equipped, one can stroll into the living room and choose from the crowded bookshelves, where eighteenth century manner manuals rub shoulders with Bill Clinton’s autobiography, with some Jodi Picoult on the side for larks. Or if Picoult depresses you, try out the ancient typewriter.

The bar, which houses such oddities as a lampshade made out of an umbrella frame and some laughing-gas canisters, is small and comfortable, draws in a good crowd - but be prepared to pay the usual for a beer (2.50) and the full price for cider (3.50).

Upstairs is a performance venue, and although the calendar is still in the works, Orkestra del Sol electrified the crowds last Friday. The venue is suited for around 150 people, and offers a new space for organising gigs ranging from raging Balkan music to druid-folk equipped with tambourines. Entrance price varies but is nothing of the exorbitant.

Make sure to not miss out on this exiting place, which is what a baby of the Forest café and Studio 24 would look like – but without the judgemental hippies.

Natasha Deininger

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

film@studentnewspaper.org

16 Review

Film Marley & me

Directed by David frankel



ver had a dream in which E everything is an exact replica of your daily routine? Boring, isn’t it?

Well, Marley & Me is a little like that, except the dream is a nightmarish vision of your life’s descent into lukewarm banality as you crawl slowly towards middle age. Essentially, this is the celluloid equivalent of a trip to IKEA. Even if you are the type of person who finds watching a dog being alternately cute and boisterous infinitely entertaining (in which case, you are a child and accidentally picked this up, thinking it was the Beano) this alone still won’t be enough to carry you through the achingly dull retelling of journalist John Grogan’s career and marriage.

In fact, it’s around sixty minutes into the film that you’ll begin to hate both Grogan and his wife for pursuing their self-indulgent delusion that their story - of what is fundamentally just a badly-behaved pet – was of any interest to the general public.

You can probably guess from the trailers that the film is horrifically formulaic (couple get dog – unconventional dog makes couple happy – couple have problem – dog’s unconventionality resolves problem, making couple realise grand truths about life and love and God). The fact that the Hollywood execs have tried to disguise this utter lack of original thought by replacing the friendly retard or maverick teacher (see Rain Man, I am Sam, Dangerous Minds) with an animal, doesn’t make the proceedings any less tedious.

It’s difficult to determine whether it’s the piece of shit script or poor casting that renders John and Jen Grogan one of the worst onscreen couples ever (even their names seem to reflect their middle-of-the-road Hush

Directed by Mark Tonderai

 eminists, Northerners, and F recreational angry letter-writers, sharpen your pencils, Ross Cameron

is in the house. Hush: another dreary piece of garbage from the county that gave us the Brontë sisters, liquorice and Huddersfield. When will Yorkshire, or the entire North of England for that matter, actually produce anything of merit? In the opinion of this journalist, never.

As if the prospect of driving north on the M1 was not terrifying enough, our unfortunately-named protagonist Zakes (William Ash) and his girlfriend Beth (Christine Bottomley) find themselves entangled in a dreadful low-budget romantic comedy. Wait, no. It’s a horror film. I think I made up the romantic comedy part because I was bored to death.

Yes, that’s it.

This masterwërk of cinema begins with an elongated argument betwixt our heroes crafted with the screenwriting aplomb of an episode of Hollyoaks in the City. You see,

uniformity). Jennifer Aniston’s portrayal of Grogan’s wife is nothing short of hateful, with her aggressive, almost maniacal desire to continually procreate, like some kind of massive, angry ovary.

Owen Wilson – a man whose voice is like a cross between a creaking car door and the sound of someone chewing their own face from the inside out – gives a decidedly average performance in the role of Owen Wilson, a disappointment given that he’s played this part to perfection in many other projects.

One of the most jaw-droppingly shite moments of Marley & Me is when Aniston and Owen’s characters take a holiday in Ireland.

Cue comedy fiddle-dee-diddle-dee music accompanying token shots of emerald-green fields. They may as well have had the leprechaun from the Lucky Charms adverts dancing madly in the background. (“To be sure, we don’t have the old electricity here” is the reply to Aniston’s request for an electric blanket).

As if it couldn’t get any worse, the holiday is the triggering factor in the conception of three kids, all with

good, Oirish names like Shamrock, Potato Famine and Guinness.

Among the film's few redeeming factors are the outstanding performances of the eighteen dogs who took on the difficult role of Marley, a character who is by turns nihilistic, endearing and complex.

A notable highlight is the scene in which Marley fucks Kathleen Turner’s leg, an episode which captures the character’s powerful yet destructive sexuality. Further, Marley’s death scene constitutes one of the most captivating in cinematic history, if only because it lasts for

an hour and by the end, you’ll be gripping the arms of your chair, growling ‘DIE. JUST FUCKING DIE’ through your teeth.

Incidentally, as we leave the cinema, a small child skips past us singing ‘Marley’s dead, let’s celebrate’ to the tune of London Bridge is Falling Down, a sentiment which neatly condenses the feelings of every other cinema-goer and ultimately says more than any review ever could.

Zakes is an aspiring writer making ends meet by putting up posters in motorway service stations. Beth is tired of Zakes’ fear of commitment and lack of progress with his writing career, blah, blah, blah. Typical woman nonsense. Am I right? If you care, which you don’t, Zakes’s awful career is what brings him to the M1

at odd hours of the evening, such as the time when this film takes place.

As our Northern George and Weezie meander up the M1, they spot a white van with the rear door swinging open. As the door slides around, Zakes spots a woman in a cage screaming hysterically. More typical woman nonsense. I digress.

Beth encourages Zakes to call the police, but being the failed writer that he is, fails to come up with the right words. Then, being Northern, he gives up.

Beth, who has recently been unfaithful to Zakes, if you care, which you don’t, decides they should take a break from their relationship. At

four in the morning. At a motorway service station. Zakes goes outside for some fresh air only to find Beth has vanished. OUT OF THIN AIR. Zakes sees the white van pull away from the service station. The lack of plot thickens.

Henceforth, the viewer is bombarded with a slew of fourth-rate survival horror clichés such as the police officer who sort of believes Zakes’ crazy story, but gets killed before he can help anyone. Then the mysterious girl who escapes and tries to help ol’ Zakes, no wait, it’s obvious she’s working with the bad guys.

Then, in the anti-climax, Zakes, being the lanky grade-A loser that he is, takes on the Hulk-like truck driver at his sex-trafficking farm/zoo/jail. No, this is nothing like the Spinal Tap song “Sex Farm”.

Horror movies are like pizza and boobs. As long as you follow the formula, you can’t go wrong.

Somehow, the makers of Hush couldn’t even copy second-rate horror movie conventions. There aren’t even any exploding heads or severed limbs.

The result is predictable, unsatisfying, and marred by an undercurrent of mediocrity. Just like an evening of love-making with me, Ross Cameron.

Fern Brady

Ross Cameron

Direct your racism and misogyny-related complaints to: film@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Review 17 The Class

Directed by Lauren Cantet

 he thing about teaching,” says “T former French schoolteacher François Bégaudeau “is that it’s such

a sad profession. The money is terrible and the children – well, children can be so ungrateful.” Well, the children may still be ungrateful, but Bégaudeau must now be a happy and relatively wealthy man. The author of Entre les murs, an autobiographical account of his year as teacher in an inner-city Parisian secondary school which he adapted as a screenplay for Laurent Cantet’s The Class (2008) and in which he plays himself, gave up the day job on the strength of the success of his novel, and is now a full-time writer.

Bégaudeau plays himself brilliantly in the film as François Marin, a thirty-something, idealistic teacher of French language and literature in the tough, multicultural Collège Françoise Dolto. Cantet follows the course of the school year as Marin attempts to teach, understand and engage with his class of 14 and 15-year-old aca-

demically, socially and racially mixed students - a truculent, giggly, restless, bored and sullen lot. Marin tells them to sit down, put up their hand (or rather, as this is France, their finger), take off their baseball caps, remove their hoods, and, remarkably (as this is France), they do. Cantet captures perfectly not only authentic classroom encounters, but the spontaneity, vitality and wit of Marin and his class, all non-professionals working with a semi-improvised script, in this fresh, compelling and emotionally challenging film which won the Palme d’Or. In Marin’s class we meet the vibrant Khoumba, the lippy Esmeralda, the clever Wei, and the sulky, Malian troublemaker, Souleymane, a boy with attitude and a tattoo in Arabic on his arm who tells Marin he has heard that the teacher “likes men”. Marin attempts to teach them the finer points of the French language, such as the imperfect subjunctive tense (“it’s a bourgeois language” says Khoumba), encourages them to read aloud from the Diary of Ann Frank (which Khoumba refuses to do), and achieves a breakthrough with Souleymane by proudly displaying around the walls of the classroom the photos of his family taken as part of his autobiographical

a Dead Heath in hollywood

W class project.

But the film’s pivotal moment, and a shocking one, too, comes when, after two class representatives at a staff hearing on Souleymane’s unruly behaviour giggle throughout the meeting, and then report confidential details to Souleymane himself, Marin, driven to total exasperation, loses his cool and calls the girls “pétasses” (translated as “skanks” (prostitutes)).

The story of Souleymane builds quietly throughout the film, culminating in a disciplinary committee meeting where, in a poignant scene, the embarrassed and defiant student,

facing exclusion, has to translate the proceedings to his non-French-speaking mother as she sits impassively, magnificently clad in ethnic dress.

And the film ends with another touching scene - on the last day of school, Marin asks his class what they have learned throughout the year. A girl steps forward, shyly. “I didn’t learn anything, sir.” she replies.

“Yes, it’s so sad” says ex-teacher Bégaudeau. “But that is the truth of the classroom, or at least part of it.

Teaching can be the saddest job."

Lis Brady

SKIp the FIlm with the student's Marley and ME comic strip!

Black Power leader Owen Wilson and his wife choose a puppy for their canine army of revolutionaries.

Bronson

Directed by Nicholas Winding Refn



his is the story of a man who T once took a prison guard hostage demanding only a helicopter, an

inflatable doll, and a cup of tea.

Strange but true, Bronson is the biopic of Charles Bronson (originally Michael Petersen), the most dangerous prisoner in Britain. The infamous Bronson was first arrested in 1974 for stealing £26.18 from a high street post office. Since then he has been involved in over a dozen hostage situations, shifted from high-security prison to high-security prison, been in an out of psychiatric hospital, and staged a rooftop protest that cost the prison services £750,000 in damages.

Danish director, Nicholas Winding Refn attempts to focus on Bronson the man, emphasising the landmark moments in his life which have shaped him. Shooting hard and fast in a style reminiscent of Kubrick, Refn

Training: "Yes, kill Whitey..."

begins the film by flashing between scenes as often as Bronson himself slips in and out of rage, laughter, and contemplation. Unfortunately, the self-consciously arty approach is badly handled and too obvious to pass off as eccentric. It is stylistic flaws that really impede the film from really impacting upon the audience. The final scenes, which depict Bronson’s kidnapping of the prison art teacher, are the best example of this, the shots suddenly becoming stretched for almost insupportably long periods of silence. Strangely, the approach actually works very well in the opening of the film as the audience is introduced to Bronson’s life in quick flashes but the novelty soon wears off and we are denied some of the most interesting parts of his story. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, since he spent 30 of his 34year sentence in solitary confinement: bars and moustaches rarely constitute an interesting plot. All too often, Refn resorts to gratuitous violence and nudity in an attempt to distract from this problematic circumstance, relishing Bronson’s nude attacks on the prison guards, scenes that irritate

Forgetting that he himself is indeed a caucasian, Owen Wilson plays the waiting game.

far sooner than you might imagine.

The saving grace of this film is Tom Hardy. He is almost unrecognisable, having packed on some serious weight to play the 14st ex-circus strongman.

Bronson requires a strong lead and Hardy commits absolutely to the role, able to carry the entire film with only sporadic enigmatic smiles that flash across his moustachioed face for mere seconds at a time. He narrates the film with excellent comic timing and com-

mands the audience. Where Refn fails to attract any sympathy for the main character Hardy succeeds brilliantly.

A sadly misguided attempt, the film avoids taking a moral standpoint, choosing only to depict this man’s life as a strange, violent painting which is enthralling and entertainingly but ultimately too exaggerated to have any real effect.

Shan Bertelli

oo! Heath Ledger here.

It’s been a while. Only the second to win a posthumous Oscar and the first to posthumously write a news round-up in a poorly conceived publicity stunt by the Film section editors, desperate to boost slumping readership and keep their jobs; impressive, no?

Now, I have something to confess before getting into this week’s celluloid news: although it’s attributed to me, I’ve had considerable guidance from a few of my new friends (special mentions: James, Marilyn, Bruce). Yes, I’d like to say that I still have my finger on the pulse of Hollywood gossip but certain circumstances preclude me from doing so, not least the fact that I no longer have a pulse myself. Lol rofl wtf lol etc. I got there before you. Jerk. Enough of those easy jokes. Anyway, just bear in mind that this is a collaborative effort; I’m really just a ghost-writer.

Jingle Ma. Think that’s a weird name? Maybe you giggled a bit when you read it. Maybe you’re still laughing. Want to know why?

Because you’re racist. Anyway, we’ll try to move on…Hong Kong helmer Jingle Ma’s version of the ‘Mulan’ legend has been held up by angry locals in the town of Yixian (try and make a joke out of that, Nazi…) who allege that an earlier film shoot in the town left without paying its bills. Good on ‘em too.

I always side with the underdog and this case is no exception: I suggest the people of Yixian kick the arrogant director in his proverbial jingle bells and herd him and his crew out of town. Still, I would never encourage people to hold me up as an ideal. I’ve made mistakes. You want to read another joke that plays on my deceased state and aforementioned rash convictions? Well I won’t do it. I’m more than that. Well, do it yourself then: cut out the next sentence and place it anywhere you like in this paragraph. “Would you jump in my grave so fast?”

Hollywood is (finally) making a film based around the exploits of a clan of Dinotrux, which, as we all know, are dinosaurs that act like trucks. Or trucks that act like dinosaurs, I don’t know…in fact, frankly, I don’t care either. It sounds ridiculous. Shame on you for absolutely loving the idea.

Stephen King’s supposedly brilliant novel IT is being adapted for the big screen by the geniuses who brought the world The Invasion.

The clown-from-your-worstnightmares story has languished in development hell (I simply will not make a joke about that) for years, supposedly un-filmable. But now it is. Just like Watchmen. You know, at one point critics deemed Watchmen’s transferal to the screen an absurd notion! They said it would be awful! Who’s laughing now? (probably audiences and Leonard Cohen).

I’m off to catch me some shuteye. Ciao Belladonna.

Heath Ledger

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

18

music@studentnewspaper.org

Review

Singles reviews YO! MAJESTY Don't Let Go

Grace/Wastelands



PARLOPHONE

I

t would be easy to get excited about the premise of Yo!Majesty without actually hearing any of their music: the open lesbianism and their rejection of traditional major label music biz ethos. The sad news is that 'Don’t Let Go' demonstrates little of their talked up revolutionary streak. What it does demonstrate is how to make a relatively simple electro-hop banger; the chorus breezes by effortlessly, accompanied by little more than a creeping, funked up bassline, spritely synth chords and timely bursts of distorted effects. Topped off with a rapped verse exemplifying a flow to ensure the group’s hip-hop credentials, 'Don’t Let Go' may not change the world, but it’ll certainly strike a chord with party-hearty listeners.

Michael Russam

The Strangers 4AD

 his first T taster from

St.Vincent's second LP Actor is pretty enough, but lacks the imaginative pop hooks of much of her debut.

What we get is a hotchpotch of ideas: a discordant guitar riff here, surreal, slightly unsettling woodwind soundscapes there and a repeated refrain that jams in your head, refusing to make sense: "paint the black hole blacker". 'The Strangers' sounds like the soundtrack to Alice in Wonderland: a sugar-coated track with a dark, disturbing core.

MAXIMO PARK

Album of the week PETER DOHERTY

PARLOPHONE

ST. VINCENT

MUSIC

Johnny Stockford

Wraithlike WARP



A

h, excellent, Geordies are back to give British indie a kick up the arse. This isn't the best song Maximo Park have ever made, but it's got all the elements you've come to love and expect from the Newcastle popsters, sharp guitars and pronounced accents, and a sense of purpose and originality that's all too lacking in many of the other bands that broke through to the mainstream with them (Yes that's you, Kaiser Chiefs, Razorlight). We look forward to Quicken The Heart with great anticipation.

Andrew Chadwick

 he bootleg T Shaking and Withdrawn,

featuring Pete Doherty supported only by his sparse acoustic guitar, was—to put it politely—a mess. Suitably titled, with most of its content stumbled through and barely completed, it’s now a valuable, if painful, memoir of its creator. Of course, so is most of his work—through listening alone, we can trace his descent from gleeful libertine to, well, arraigned degenerate. The force of Doherty’s persona is omnipresent by virtue of his unmistakable vocals; as always, he sounds like a curious amalgam of wavering drunk and forlorn street urchin.

Grace/Wastelands, however, promises a marked change. Shelving Babyshambles’s abrasive energy, Doherty opts for a composed, more urbane sound. Allusive as ever, he conjures up images of decay and dissolution, contrasting snatches of modernity with the old-fashioned; expect World War II imagery and the odd Oliver Twist reference, as well as guest appearances from Graham Coxon and previous partner-in-crime Wolfman. 'Last Of The English Roses', as Doherty’s first single, is probably his most conventional track—it features a heavy beat, jaunty bassline and determined hook. In contrast is the TAYLOR SWIFT Fearless BIG MACHINE RECORDS

 ollowF ing in the chart-topping

footsteps of Leann Rimes and Shania Twain, Nashville’s latest precocious starlet is hoping to celebrate her twentieth birthday this December with a successful 2009. Swift’s second effort is the first to receive a push on these shores (our version including three of her debut’s hits) and the pop-with-a-slice-of-country should capture a fanbase of teenagers and their mothers who approve of Swift’s advice on being young, free and searching for true love.

Fearless features many soft songs that cover that well-trod 'My First Break-Up' path. They're rife with familiar lines such as “This ain’t a fairytale… I was a dreamer” ('White Horse') and “I can’t breathe without you, but I have to” on ('Breathe'). Swift is a voice of experience for high schoolers (the moral of ‘Fifteen’ is that there’s more to life than snogging a quarterback); and her hymns to parents and the

simple, country-tinged 'Arcadie', which humbly observes the disintegration of an envisaged utopia with restrained poignancy.

'A Little Death Around The Eyes', co-written with Carl Barât, will certainly be welcomed by long-deprived Libertines fans.

“Your boyfriend’s name was Dave,” Doherty sings almost comically amidst haunting, sultry strings, a lone harmonica rising above the darkness as he moves into a description of domestic imprisonment. The eerie atmospherics are retained on 'Salome', a surprisingly believable account of an ancient seductress’s late-night visit. The most unexpected gem though is 'Sweet By and By'; an old-fashioned song accompanied by a honky-tonk piano and a soulful trumpet straight out of the 1920’s. Doherty leads you into a late-night shuffle whilst reminiscing about lost love (“Was it so long ago / When we first hit the road?”).

As a whole, without losing itself in gratuitous experimentation, Grace/Wastelands presents a refreshing variety of genres that complement and reinforce each other. With Doherty still centrestage, it’s not so much a pop release as a montage of poetic concepts.

This is summed up succinctly in its final track, the beautifully lyrical (if slightly bizarre) 'Lady, Don’t Fall Backwards'. Testament to the oft-overlooked musician behind his notoriety, it’s thoughtful, subtle, even—get this—coherent.

Des Lim

Peter Doherty: The effects of crack, or a quick nap? You decide

Lord reflect this (‘The Best Day’) along with her airy belief in love unrequited (‘You Belong With Me’).

‘Change’ and ‘Love Story’ have tussled for the top position in the country singles chart for six months, eradicating competition: the former an anthem for audaciously-hopeful Obamerica with its hallelujah-singing, the latter the Big Pop Hit, referencing princesses and Romeos and including a modulation that points to it as an American Eurovision entry. Other highlights include ‘Tell Me Why’, a female empowerment anthem in the face of an inconsiderate boyfriend, and ‘You’re Not Sorry’ which documents faded love and borrows themes and chord progressions from One Republic’s ‘Apologise’.

‘Hey Stephen’ is a bizarre reversal from the man-pining-for-woman found in the classical poets, as Swift is the one asking if other girls “write a song for you?”

Swift is a modern, female country pop star for the time of the Twitterer, and this is an accomplished soundtrack to the High School Musical tweens of the noughties. Hey, she's even got her own fashion line at Wal-mart to prove it.

Jonny Brick

Taylor Swift: Not Johnny Brick

Tuesday March 17 music@studentnewspaper.org

Don't go anywhere without your iPod? studentnewspaper.org

Review 19

Live reviews

Recommended tracks Things we've been listening to, both old and new. This week, we've gone all pop on your bad selves Phoenix - armistice (wolfgang amadeus phoenix) The closer from Phoenix's fourth album, due for release on May 25th, is another slice of infectious pop, the kind that the French rock band do better than almost anyone else currently. The whole album's full of equally great, energetic tracks. annie - chewing gum (anniemal) Norwegians really know how to do electro-pop, and Chewing Gum showcases their unusual talent for crisp beats and melodies the postman could whistle, with swathes of euphoric synth to boot. Also includes the chorus line 'You think you're chocolate but you're chewing gum'. Beat that, pun aficionados!

Noah & the whale Edinburgh Queen's Hall Wednesday 11th March



E

dinburgh’s Queen’s Hall was comfortably full for Wednesday's Noah and the Whale gig without being disappointingly quiet.

After a few short films and a decent set from support act JayJay, the band emerged from backstage a receptive crowd and a fair bit of good natured heckling from audience members.

The opening numbers saw front man Charlie Fink in the spotlight, almost literally as the hall was plunged into darkness amid the growing sounds of Fink and his guitar. The wait was worth it as the other members joined him onstage and launched into a mixture of songs from debut album Peaceful, The World Lays Me Down and songs from the forthcoming album.

However, the band seemed to lose their lustre a little about halfway through the set, with most

Videoof

theweeK

of the new songs following the same slow but insistent rock style. Tom Hobden’s fiddle managed to retain the folk undertones that Noah and the Whale have become so famous for but the songs were left a little thin without the input of any kind of female vocals to compliment Fink’s sombre tone.

The pace finally picked up about fifteen minutes before the end of the set as the band brought out favourites from the debut album, 'Five Years Time' and 'Give a Little Love' elbow Edinburgh Corn Exchange Friday 6th March



M

y knowledge of Chinese astrology is, at best, limited but I like to think that the twelve months since the release of The Seldom Seen Kid will be remembered as ‘The Year Of The Elbow’.

Michael Jackson Thriller

In the week in which it was announced that Michael Jackson is set to play 50 dates at London's 02 Arena this summer, news came through that YouTube was blocking official music videos streamed by major and independent record labels to UK users of the site. The decision came after YouTube failed to reach a financial agreement with PRS for Music.

Quite fittingly, we've decided to pick the most iconic, ground-breaking music video of all time, the one that launched the MTV generation, inspiring thousands of other artists to follow suit and make the music video an art form in itself. We just hope that we'll be able to see it in all of its high definition glory soon. YouTube, sort it out. Pronto. You can still watch Thriller on YouTube, but as it's not the official version the quality isn't great. Video Of The Week may be in jeopardy!

Having seen Elbow more than most, I am now convinced that their concerts possess a unique atmosphere that is somewhere between a deep conversation with a close friend and a loud reunion over a few good lagers with ‘the lads’. When Elbow took to the stage in front of a crowd that was bursting at the seams, it was clear that this was going to be a good one. ‘Starlings’, the opener from The Seldom Seen Kid kicked off the evening with its glorious explosions of trumpet and it was after this song that lead-singer Guy Garvey announced to the already excited crowd that it was his birthday.

As if the crowd needed any more encouragement.

Renditions of ‘Happy Birthday’ spontaneously erupted throughout the night and at one point Canadian support The Acorn and numerous roadies brought on a cake and some shots of an as yet unidentified spirit for Guy and the band to celebrate with in a touching moment of respite from a career spanning set list.

The sixteen songs we were treated

among them providing some much needed familiarity and—in the case of the former—a much lighter mood to end the night on.

Although it was good to have a sneaky peek at the offerings to come, a few more recognisable songs could have turned this performance into a excellent gig, but the audience were left politely clapping rather than roaring for an encore.

Jen Bowden to were all performed with the usual passion and precision that Elbow have made their trademark. When the big singles like ‘One Day Like This’ were played, all the new fans went wild but it was the lesser-known tracks that once again stood out.

‘Any Day Now’, the first song on 2001 debut Asleep In The Back brought back memories of hearing the band for the first time while ‘Mexican Standoff ’ showed that Elbow aren’t afraid to put themselves down. “Your sweet reassurances don’t change the fact that he’s better looking than me”, sang Garvey with a wry smile. The key song of the performance was ‘Switching Off ’ from 2003’s unfairly criticised album Cast Of Thousands. John Cale, no less, has stated that this song is one of his favourites of all time and it is easy to see why. An almost painfully tender piece about seeing your life flash before your eyes and choosing your final words, it caused one woman behind me to faint which prompted a concerned response from the band.

Security said it was the heat, I say it was the music. “Is this making sense?

What am I trying to say?” Only Guy Garvey could make such simple lyrics into something almost hymnal when he sings. In response to his question though, see Elbow if you have the opportunity. A genuine, consistently amazing British band who will always have a special place in fans’ hearts. Oh and if you were wondering… he was 35.

Thomas Edmunds

Gerry and the pacemakersYou'll Never walk alone (how do you like it?)

4-1. stevie wonder - He’s Misstra Know-It-All (innervisions) There are too many songs to pick from when it comes to Stevie Wonder's back catalogue. And remember: this is the man who helped Barack Obama to pull. He's the man.

Lisa stanfield - I Got A Feeling (Single) You've probably heard the Four Tops version, but this is the original and best, albeit infinitely more obscure cut. YouTube it, and you'll soon agree. the cure - lullaby (disintegration) Believe it or not, this is The Cure's highest ever charting song, reaching number 5 in 1989. That's right: Inbetween Days and Love Cats failed to reach the Top 5. Disgraceful. blondie - hanging on the telephone (parallel lines) Believe it or not, this classic breakthrough single was first recorded by the L.A. new wave band The Nerves, who disbanded after only releasing one EP. Their loss was Blondie's gain, as Debbie Harry's band liked this song so much when they heard it while touring in California that they recorded it for their third album.

The ronettes - be my baby (The Best of the Ronettes ) Phil Spector's 'wall of sound' technique captured perfectly.

Tuesday March 17 2009 culture@studentnewspaper.org

20 Review

CULTURE THEATRE HIGHLIGHT

THE RIME OF THE ANCIENT MARINER RUN ENDED QUEEN'S HALL



ROPE RUN ENDED BEDLAM THEATRE

 THIS PRODUCTION of Patrick Hamilton’s pot-boiler – about two effete undergraduates who strangle their friend, stow the body in a trunk, and have a cocktail party – was the first play I’ve seen performed “in the round” at Bedlam.

The audience surrounded the unchanging set: a drawing room containing the ominous trunk, around which the cast circulated.

Apart from the few occasions when everyone onstage aligned like the planets in 2001: a Space Odyssey, with someone’s back eclipsing all the others, this worked brilliantly.

Theatre is more involving when you know you could reduce the fourth wall to rubble by sticking out a foot as someone walks by.

The plot is simple. Body in box + people who want to look in box = suspense. Alone, the killers bicker guiltily; the rest of the time they spend mocking their guests, a selection of dilettantish toffs.

Hamilton’s script is a bit silly. Characters stumble upon the truth immediately; even the dimmer ones could have solved the mystery at least twice before the end, with time for canapés.

Not ten minutes in and characters are saying things like “I say, are you concealing a jolly old body in there?” The murderers’ guilt is obvious: they row violently and refuse to let anyone peek inside the trunk. One gets drunk. “Why did we put the body in the chest,” he fails to ask. Eventually their intellectual ex-teacher gets suspicious. This is unsurprising, since his own ironic defence of murder planted the idea in the killers’ heads. By the time he’s recalling one murderer’s childhood phobia (of confinement in a trunk, naturally) I wanted to make the arrest myself.

But the production had moments of breathless drama, especially between the two killers – such as when Granilo (Simon Ginty) frantically searched his pockets for an incriminating cinema ticket while being berated by his bullying accomplice. And the actors sustained the tension brilliantly in the final confrontation when the trunk was at last thrown open.

Set apart from most of Bedlam’s output by George Ransley's inventive staging, Rope showed what student theatre can achieve.

Ed Ballard

ADAP TING COLERIDGE’S masterpiece The Rime of the Ancient Mariner to the stage was never going to be an easy feat. The monumental Romantic poem deals with a variety of themes ranging from mysticism, otherworldliness and the question of humanity. The fifteen-page poem takes place on the open sea where the Mariner becomes aware of nature’s ominous presence.

The collaboration of music, lighting and animation by students at Edinburgh University and the ECA worked well at Queen's Hall to capture the air of discovery and mystery that pervades the text. From the outset the audience were brought into the heart of the performance; the positioning of the seats and the ‘orchestra’, who were cheekily placed behind us, struck up when the wedding dance commenced, inviting us to become a part of their performance.

When they tackled the many aweinspiring events the intimate setting seemed insufficient, yet the music alone was successful in creating the necessary ambience of unease.

Although the Mariner’s ( John Bett) voice was drowned out at times by the resounding beat of the drum, his continual presence on stage ensured we never lost sight of what was occurring.

THE SORCERER EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY SAVOY OPERA GROUP RUN ENDED CHURCH HILL THEATRE

 THE SORCERER may not boast the canonical status enjoyed by H.M.S. Pinafore or Pirates of Penzance, but it is nevertheless one of the most enduring works of Gilbert and Sullivan, spiced and flavoured with their characteristic blend of the recognisable and the absurd. It is also the latest production by the University’s own Savoy Opera Group, whose long legacy of theatrical success is accompanied by high expectations for this year’s production.

Set in deepest darkest Somerset, The Sorcerer’s events unfold in an atmosphere of turgid Victorian attitudes ridiculed by intelligent lyrics and histrionic characters.

The village is celebrating the marriage of Alexis and Aline as two of the county’s most blue-blooded families are united. It is a world of austerity, propriety and strawberry jam, a snapshot of quintessential country Englishness exquisitely recreated in the production’s set of an aristocratic garden.

As we expect from Messrs G & S however, amid the plentiful cries of “ecstatic rapture” and copious amounts of tea sizzle stories of love, lust and sorcery. Alexis’ determination of breaking the class barriers by forcing everyone to fall in love inevitably leads him to solicit the services of cockney extraordi-

In the poem, the shooting of the Albatross is the pinnacle of the tale, as the misfortunes that occur thereafter are the result of the bird’s death. It is a dramatic turning point that requires a large amount of focus, however this was evidently emphasised too much to the point the Mariner over-dramatises his crime, and is backed up by a chorus of singers just in case we didn’t get the point the animal was dead. To clarify this for those members of the audience who had failed to notice the severity of this crime, a bizarre, stuffed albatross was brought on stage in order for its feathery entrails to be smeared across the tarred face of the Mariner. When really all he had to do was listen to the poem and dangle it from his neck.

The artistry of Life-in-Death and Death-in-Life deserves recognition as the pair aptly portrayed the foreboding of what the Mariner faces in his perilous journey; rather than acting out the game they play to win the Mariner and his crew, they merely stand there whilst their actions are depicted through the rolling of a dice, which reverberates around the theatre.

While the parts worked well on an individual level, bringing it together made the overall result sadly mismatched. However, the performers must be commended in their bold attempt to adapt such a canonical piece of literature to the stage.

Eleanor Marsden

naire John Wellington Wells, of a respectful London firm of Sorcery.

In no time at all the entire village sinks into a potion-induced stupor, and awake to fall in love with the first person they see.

Not surprisingly, things from this point do not go exactly to plan, as highly unsuitable matches have brilliantly comic repercussions.

Comprising of a cast of beautifully refined voices, the large chorus numbers were sugar-coated and tone-perfect, but almost would have benefitted from a little more coarseness in exchange for an oomph that was sometimes lacking in the rest of the production.

The knotty combination of a score full of fast paced musical turns and tongue-twister lyrics provided a challenge that sometimes threatened to overwhelm the cast and orchestra, but generally ensembles were executed with confidence and skill. In the title role of John Wellington Wells, Hamish Colville is the show’s highlight, somewhat overshadowing other soloists who suffered from a lack of stage direction needed to maintain the show’s fast punchy satire.

Despite this, it is evidently clear that the company’s enthusiasm is reflected in an intricate understanding of the plot and its characters, allowing it to multilayer comedy value with the opera’s satirical undertones. Above all, the cast ensure the production is never anything less than a downright good laugh, which after all is the heart and soul of all comic operettas.

Ciara Stafford

LA CLEMENZA DI TITO RUN ENDED CHURCH HILL THEATRE

 ALTHOUGH ORIGINALLY set in Ancient Rome, the Edinburgh Studio Opera’s performace of Mozart's La Clemenza Di Tito takes the audience into 1930s, making the figure of Titus reminiscent of one of 20th century’s influential dictators.

Jealous and ambitious Vittelia is in a rage over Emperor Tito’s decision to marry another woman and yearning for revenge, she tricks her admirer Sesto into a plot to kill Tito. However, through a series of moments of anguish and declarations of love, Tito still concludes to wed Vittelia, mercifully granting his previously chosen bride Servillia the right to marry her lover Annio.

Meanwhile, Sesto is torn with guilt and after seeing flames coming from the Capitol, set by the conspirators, he feels that he has betrayed the Emperor. Although Tito is considered to be dead, he is indeed alive and soon becomes aware of Sesto’s betrayal.

Susan McNaught is the real star of the show, her male mannerisms and well-performed anxiety render Sesto a truly sympathetic character.

Chris Elliott’s Tito seems slightly overacted at times, showing the

Emperor in an awkwardly pathetic state after the betrayal of his friend Sesto. Nicholas Uglow’s performance as Emperor’s manipulative right hand Publio is convincingly devious.

However, the central focus seems to be on Louise Alder’s Vittelia. Alder carries her role of femme fatale with passion, although the overall impression remains perhaps a bit mild, further undermined by the strange choreography of Vittelia’s aria that results in her running back and forth in a somewhat amusing manner.

Lloyd Llewellyn-Jones’ vibrant production benefits from the interesting choreography of the chorus and the minimal but well-detailed set design. As for costumes, perhaps a glitter purple evening gown isn’t the best solution for Vittelia’s last entrance. Although this spectacular extravagance sets Vittelia apart from the others as a (anti)heroine, it seems rather distracting, making the prima donna look like a showgirl.

The original libretto has gone through some changes with spoken dialogue added by the director.

Maybe it’s the change of setting to 1930’s totalitarianism or the unnecessariness to praise an Emperor, directly relevant for Mozart’s composition, but the ‘clemency’ of Tito is nonetheless rendered into something ironic if not sinister.

Helen Harjak

culture@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Review 21 Star Rating  Ship shape Nautical but nice  Half-mast  Man overboard Shipwreck

Sights of the underground

Rachael Cloughton meets the new kids on the block in Edinburgh's up and coming art-scene.

Richard Wagner must have been one electro loving, culturally eclectic, free spirited bohemian, or at least this is how Come Collective’s last event, “Gesamkunstwerk” presented him. Meaning ‘total artwork’, the Bongo Club Cafe was temporarily converted into a haven of artistic freedom inspired by the art-meets-life attitude of Wagner’s essay, ‘Art and Revolution’ and the ethos of the Collective’s campaign to revolutionise clubbing and art space.

As crowds of people randomly danced to the resident Get Messy DJs amidst impromptu performances at the launch, I found myself searching for a glimpse of some artwork. But true to Wagner’s ethos, art and life formed an almost unrecognisable union. A man crouched endlessly against a wall was not, as I initially believed to be, in an alcohol induced nap but Alex Tobin in a feat of artistic endurance, whilst the burst of distorted guitar tunes were not badly composed musical pieces but deliberately artistic ones. What I originally thought to be a brawl breaking out between two German’s was actually Come creators Steven Morrison and Callum Monteith in action.

Their aim is 'to create a

more relaxed space where all the arts merge into events that are fun and enjoyable'.

How often has the sparse, white cube environment of contemporary art galleries generated the dismal feeling of alienation? For me, the answer is, sadly, many. Come Collective’s light-hearted, freethinking stance on art breaks the

usual conventions in their quest to change the average gallery etiquette.

However, on a less energetic daytime visit to Bongo Café the boundary between art and life which encapsulates the exhibition’s namesake was disappointingly vivid.

Without the buzz of DJs and crowds of curious visitors, the artwork itself is feeble and unworthy of a visit.

Without the encouragement of the Collective, few people are willing to engage so directly with the grassseated chairs, the cup-cake design installation is unappetising and the ‘family snapshot’ video piece is dreary and dull. The only piece that catches any attention is Rachel McLean’s trance-like, nauseating videos but with their fluorescent,

jarring colour and greedily indulgent imagery you would have to be blind not to notice them.

It is essentially this merging of art onto the far more welcoming and accessible club scene and the infiltration of culture into aspects of life shared beyond the immediacy of the art world which makes Come, with all its flaws, a success.

Monteith and Morrison’s everchanging group of artists and DJs contributing to their constantly re-invented events have turned chatting raucously, drinking freely, listening to music and observing and participating with art work, into a cultural experience. Like the many artistic greats who preceded them, Come are challenging the conventions of the established Gallery and cultural norms.

Their sixth, and latest, event, “Come Perform” on March 12th unleashed another night of artistic mayhem and art-school dressup and things look set to only get bigger for the Collective.

Be sure to be part of this reinvigoration of Edinburgh’s underground art-scene. www.myspace.com/comeclubnight

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

22

Sega does what Nintendon't? Tell us why Mario is better and make us cry at tech@studentnewspaper.org

Review

TECHNOLOGY

To be this good takes ages Alan Williamson returns to the halcyon days of Sega SEGA MEGA DRIVE ULTIMATE COLLECTION Sonic the Hedgehog

Great-al: The opening sequence promises you will fight a dragon at some point. Dragons are cool

X360, PS3

Fatal: I didn’t get far enough to see the dragon. Collecting money in the labyrinth serves no effect aside from increasing the number of observers at your funeral.

Is this the most cynical game ever made?

£24.99 SEGA

f you remember blowing into dusty Ia thin cartridges until they accumulated layer of saliva and Robinson’s

orange squash, or if someone chanting “SEEEGGGAAA” causes your heart to skip a beat, then Mega Drive Ultimate Collection is less a walk down Memory Lane and more a crash landing on Nostalgia Island. All of your favourites are here- Sonic, Streets of Rage, Golden Axe, Shinobi- and in a sense, that’s part of the problem.

You have to admire Sega for putting forty Mega Drive games on one disc for £25 while Nintendo charge a fiver a time for their relics on the Wii. However, there’s no escaping the fact that some of these titles were awful in 1991, have aged terribly and should have been replaced by genuine classics like Gunstar Heroes and Thunderforce IV. The omission of Sonic 3 & Knuckles is a particularly infuriating one, but you should be aware this is coming from someone currently wearing a Sonic t-shirt.

For Mega Drive fanatics who own most of these games already, there’s not a lot here to warrant a purchase. Unlockable arcade titles and interviews are welcome, as is the inclusion of Treasure’s insane puppet platformer Dynamite Headdy, but the overall feeling is that this release is a

Fatal Labyrinth

Streets of Rage 2

Supersonic: The version included runs at 60 Hz, 17.5% faster than the original European release!

Catatonic: I’ve just alienated the majority of readers by using the term ‘60 Hz’

Ecco the Dolphin

Tough: Beating up fire-breathing fat people, smashing a

knife wielding psycho in the face with a lead pipe, the wonderful 90s techno soundtrack by Yuzo Koshiro…

Rough: The XBLA release is arguably better and definitely cheaper

s by yours -up -em truly and enjoying a truly unique swim , being constricted Fishy: Realising how badly it has aged rrent nightmares recu ng to death by an octopus and havi s year n ftee fi about it for the next

eFAQ Dishy: Reading the walkthrough on Gam adventure

predictable retread- a well produced, cleverly put together retread, but a retread, nonetheless. Of course if you have no experience of these games, this collection is just what the doctor (Robotnik) ordered: classic ‘blue skies’ gaming before the world turned brown in 1996. If you haven’t played

Flicky

Sonic the Hedgehog, you shouldn’t be reading this- you should be playing Sonic the Hedgehog.

Ultimately, £25 will net you childhood in a box without the bullying or lack of athleticism, and that’s definitely worth the asking price.

Soaring: There is not a single positive thing I can say about this game whatsoever Boring: Not only is Flicky crap, it provided the inspiration for Sonic 3D: Flickies’ Island, which tarnished the name of almighty Sonic. Destroy all remaining copies on sight

Ice to see you, to see you, ice

The weather outside is frightful, so Richard Lane stays inside and plays Cryostasis CRYOSTASIS: SLEEP OF REASON PC £17.99- £29.99 505 GAMES

eveloped for a niche Russian D market, Cryostasis: Sleep of Reason is unlikely to set the western

world on fire (not least because it mainly involves ice and snow.) Any game where you can play as a polar bear deserves at least a passing mention: Cryostasis is that game, and a lot more besides.

You are placed in the crampons of Alexander Nesterov, a psychic Russian meteorologist (obviously) sent to discover the fate of the North Wind: a nuclear icebreaker which, ironically, has become trapped in the Arctic ice.

His tale unfolds through playable flashbacks that explore the growing rift between captain and crew. Gradually, the horrors concealed within the stricken ship are unveiled. Meanwhile a secondary fairytale narrative, told in the form of collectable story-cards, runs parallel to the main storyline.

The crew of the North Wind have been deformed and driven insane by a combination of the cold and the radiation from the leaking reactor, and the claustrophobic nature of the ship results in some brutal close encounters. Melee combat is simple

FROSTY RECEPTION: Whatever you do, don't stop to build a snowman and effective, however later stages of the game place more emphasis on ranged combat, even including a sniper rifle in an environment where opponents are usually within a claw’s reach of you.

Your most dangerous enemy is the cold. Instead of a health meter, a heat meter slowly drops as you move through the ship and plummets if you step outside or enter a particularly

cold area. To keep warm you must move between sources of heat, ranging from cooking stoves to portable radiators and even light bulbs. You also lose heat by receiving damage from enemies, meaning ‘warming up’ before a fight is crucial to survival. How being toasty protects you from a bullet in the face is never explained, but the system is a break from the standard health kit and succeeds in making

the Arctic setting more than just an excuse to shoot icicles off the ceiling.

Another unique aspect of the game is Alexander’s ‘Mental Echo’ ability, which comes into play as you come across the frozen bodies of the crew. Right-clicking a corpse projects you into that crewmember’s past, usually at the key moment that led to their death. In one instance, I came across two bodies; one slumped

next to a torch, the other with a rifle clasped in his frozen fingers.

Naturally, I plunged straight into the mind of the rifleman, only to find myself in complete darkness, assaulted by all manner of the game’s freakish denizens. After twice being beaten to a slushy pulp, I switched to the torch-man, and carefully illuminated targets for the rifleman as he held off the onslaught. With the torch-man’s past successfully altered, I dipped back into the rifleman’s timeline and finished the job.

It’s in the memories of the forsaken crewmen where Cryostasis really shines, though at times corpses act as little more than oddly shaped keys for doors.

A more significant problem is optimisation: being designed for single-core processors, if the game is run on a dual-core (that’ll be any made since 2006, then) performance is often terrible. In particular, ranged combat is like trying to shoot while having your elbows periodically electrocuted.

Ultimately, the atmosphere of Cryostasis along with its beautifully woven tale outshines the clumsy combat and sluggish performance.

Cryostasis is an excellent example of the advantages of games as a storytelling medium: for lack of a better word, it’s cool.

Oh, and you also get to be a cow.

Addicted to the box? Email: tv@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Review 23

TV

Sins of the flesh... and eyes, and ears Fern Brady tells us why the cult teen drama makes her skin crawl

PIER PRESSURE: 'Who can spit the furthest' was not a great idea in the OAP's section of the beach

H

ere's a modern-day phenomenon for you: the number of people I know in possession of an all-consuming hatred of Skins runs in inverse proportion to the number of journalists that claim to love it.

This almost definitely isn't because the show's amazing and definitely is because no-one wants to have the crushing accusation levelled at them that they're just not down with the kids. Similarly, this'll explain why every respected British actor is falling over themselves to get a shitty bitpart as 'Pandora's Mum' or 'Uptight Teacher' (Sophie from Peepshow is so keen, in fact, she's went and got the same haircut as Naomi in a desperate bid to impress). It's a lot like that toilet roll ad, the one where the entire company's being run by a baby and all the adults shift about uncertainly

before attending to his irrational demands.

I went on a date once with someone who appeared to be very, very normal. Except he kept making these noises. I don't mean sex noises; thankfully it never got that far. It was right in the middle of conversation he'd make this honking noise that was like a cross between a sheep and a duck. By the time they'd called last orders in the pub, The Noise had become intolerable, drowning out everything else.

I tried to ignore it, blaming my own misanthropy for magnifying people's faults and all that, but there are only so many instances of pretending not to hear 'ERGH!' emitted mid-sentence.

The point of this analogy is that I'm reminded of that painful event every time I watch Skins, which is like my night with Sheep-Duck Boy

in the sense that every time I think I can tolerate it, it comes out with some staggeringly bad dialogue ("You're just a cocaine-snorting, low-budget, corporate puppet" was a new low in Episode 5).

I've made up a game for watching Skins. It's called 'Spot the Amateur Screenwriter' where you try and discern the point at which the smug little shit writing has to stop because his hands are tired and the professionals take over. This is harder than it looks.

Like, who creates the two-dimensional caricatures that constitute the 'grownup' characters? And who comes up with the embarrassingly bad GCSE English attempts at symbolism? "You just skate around, Freddie, you just... skate around!" cries his dad (Ah, this is like a play on words, see? Cause he skateboards but like, it refers to his

aimlessness in life too.)

There's not much of a difference between the ages of 15 and 21, you might think (and certainly not if you're Jerry Lee Lewis). Except in the case of Skins viewers, where the variance in appreciation is a gaping chasm. Despite watching almost every episode in a fit of masochism - I always end up clawing my face with my hands, screaming "mine eyeees", a bit like Oedipus - I continually fail to pick up on the multi-layered meanings of the script. My kid brother, on the other hand, once explained to me that a particular episode was actually “a dream sequence where Tony's, like, realising an aspect of the Self ”, leaving me feeling a bit like someone was blowing one of those whistles that only dogs can hear.

And another thing: no matter how many times they say 'fuck', it's never going to distract me from the massively overblown sentimentality that worms its way into every scene. In The World According to Skins, no confession of undying love or moment of intense profundity is complete without the addition of a magical lake as the backdrop (see Episode 5: Freddie swims topless to declare love to Effie in Magical Lake; Episode 6: Token Lesbian declares love to Closet Lesbian beside Magical Lake).

Which only results in feeling crap about the fact that most of the significant events of your adolescence took place in a bus shelter or outside the local Lidl.

The whole thing is as entertaining as listening to a description of someone else's LSD trip and in reality, Skins is as disaffected and edgy as an emo kid crying whilst masturbating in front of a mirror. All the sex and drugs in the world aren't going to change that.

Bringing sexy back

Helen Harjak gives us the heads up on the new series that's keeping it all in the family

MONEY TROUBLES: Will Baldwin had to be reminded that red knickers were not appropriate funeral attire ALTHOUGH DIRTY Sexy Money contains many clichés common to the domestic drama, the Darlings excel as a dysfunctional family. They are celebrity lifestyle living deviants who often abuse their money and power.

Good character development and an interesting storyline continues into the second series. The Darlings are strangely likeable and their mishaps addictively entertaining. The series doesn’t make any pretensions about reflecting human nature but it does show the other side of the glitz and glam of the rich and

famous.

The story focuses on Nick George (Peter Krause, Six Feet Under) who, following his father’s footsteps, is the Darlings’ lawyer, taking care of everything from court cases to birthday parties. However, Nick has his own mission to find the person behind his father Dutch’s mysterious death in a helicopter accident. Everyone in the Darling family is suspect and Nick frequently finds himself in over his head.

Despite wife Lisa’s anguish, he gradually becomes more entangled in their dirty,

sexy secrets.

The Darlings include ‘empire builder’ Tripp (Donald Sutherland), the charming but slightly sinister Mr Darling, Tripp’s ‘sophisticated socialite’ wife Letitia and their children Patrick, Karen, Brian, Jeremy and Juliet. The oldest son Patrick (William Baldwin) is an aspiring politician, although there are a few quirks to his character that possibly wouldn’t go down well with some of his voters.

Karen is a professional divorcee and Nick’s childhood love, constantly posing a threat to Nick and Lisa’s marital hap-

piness. Brian is an ex-minister with anger management issues and some dubious views for a former man of collar. The twins Jeremy and Juliet are the epitome of spoilt rich kids who don’t seem to ever grow up.

The second season begins with Nick’s birthday and a few twists in the plot, as Patrick’s wife makes a painful exit and Letitia Darling is arrested for murdering Dutch. Meanwhile, Karen is getting more involved with Tripp’s arch-enemy Simon Elder who obviously has his own plans.

The appearance of Nola Lyons (Lucy Liu) as the girl in the bar trying to seduce Jeremy is inspired casting. Brian is still battling over the right to spend more time with his son while Patrick is looking for Carmelita, his transsexual lover. As the season goes on, both Brian and Patrick will achieve what they wanted, although perhaps not in quite the way they expected. Patrick’s politically challenging fashion choices are also a highlight.

Among all that hustle, there are of course new developments concerning the fate of Dutch George.

Unfortunately, the future of the series is unclear at the moment, the show’s original network, ABC, is having problems with the broadcast rights.

Hopefully the second season will still find its conclusion, it's too good a story to be cut short.

HORNE & CORDEN BEFORE I start, I ought to admit something: I do not like James Corden. I do not like his work. I do not like Gavin & Stacey, upon which so much undeserved sycophancy has been heaped. I do not like his arrogant, self-congratulatory, loud (oh, so loud) manner. Most important of all, I do not like how everyone seems to like him. Fortunately, my last point might soon change if the current trend of criticism of his sketch show continues, because everyone appears to have agreed that Horne & Corden is a big bag of awfulness.

The main problem is the complete lack of thought that has been put into it. It seems as if the two eponymous comedians spent a day together coming up with relatively amusing ideas instead of proper jokes, and then some creatively crippled BBC executive money at them to turn it into a show. And so we have a sketch about Spider-Man and Superman meeting in a changing room, a rambunctious posh tramp recounting tales of institutionalised buggery to an old schoolfriend's kids, and a skit that consists of Corden pushing Horne over in a supermarket. Far too many of the sketches' punchlines depend on general crassness and the fact that (wait for it, guys!) Corden is really fat. It ends up leaving a childish, unfunny taste in the mouth.

Admittedly, sketch shows are nearly always hit-and-miss, but the ubiquity of the 'misses' in this programme gives the genre a bad name, and it means genuine classics, like Big Train, will forever be equated with tripe like Horne & Corden. Not necessarily brilliant sketch shows such as That Mitchell and Webb Look seem astounding in comparison for the simple reason that the writers have tried to come up with memorable scenes and characters. It is frustrating to see that just because they are household names they are given a well-publicised prime time show when neither of them seem to have any experience in sketch-writing. People nowadays are forced to seek out good, original comedy, like The Cowards, an intelligent sketch show which was hidden away in a dark corner of the BBC4 schedule.

I wager that if the BBC took a fraction of the money that they committed to this turgid piece of telly and gave it to any aspiring university sketch troupe, the results would be at least twice as good. If you're wondering why I've barely spoken of Mathew Horne, it's because it never occurred to me, such was the ineffectuality of his presence. Leaving aside the lousy sketch show, that might be his biggest problem.

Paddy Douglas

Puzzles

“

I put my neck out last night. I wanted to know what my arse looks like. " Leonardo da Vinci

Teasers

This Week's Horoscopes CRUNK JUICE

Jan 21—Feb 19

While Venus is your arc of

transit, it’s unwise to try new things, persevere in long-term goals, think about taking the next step in that relationship, or do anything that requires leaving the house or washing. The bad news is, Venus IS in your arc of transit.

The really bad news is, it will be for the next nineteen months.

MUTUAL BEEJ

Feb 20—Mar 20

This week is a good time to

be self-confident. Remember that no-one knows what’s good for you better than you. So close your ears to the jury and tell them “I’m not guilty - your MUM’s guilty!” And don’t listen to the doctor when he tells you that you “need urgent treatment.” His FACE needs urgent treatment.

CROCKETT & TUBBS May 22—June 21

LIBRA Sept 24—Oct 23

again, Crockett and Tubbs.

Whatever we predict, however many times we advise you take a quiet night in, you'll end up in an exciting high-octane speedboat chase wearing sunglasses and pastel-coloured suits. What's the point?

rut, so do something adventurous with your partner.

Just remember the safety word, and the number for the emergency hotline.

Don't bother coming here

PHTHIRUS PUBIS June 22—July 23

You’ll

achieve fleeting fame this week, after Mark Ronson releases you as a bside. Make the most of it; think about appearing in a few TV adverts. Just adding a few funky syncopated horns won’t make you cool for long.

You’ll end this week feel-

Stars have decided, after much debate, that they can’t tell you what’s in store this week. We thought that’d be kinder.

LAUGHING COW

WENCH Aug 24—Sep 23

Don’t be alarmed, but the

Your

Apr 21—May 21

penchant for sexy anthropomorphic TV animals will be in danger of spiralling out of control this week. There's just something so alluring about her rich, auburn hide, the way she bats those long, jet black lashes, those delightful edible earrings...

Don’t panic, wench! It’s al-

ready Tuesday and no one has asked any questions, meaning they probably don’t suspect you. But just for good measure, buy a fake passport and a one way ticket to Venezuela.

GET OVER HERE! Oct 24—Nov 22

You

should have been born in an earlier age, you’ll tell yourself this week - in a time when relationships were simpler, a job was a job for life, and the patent office clerks don’t look at you strangely when you request a patent for your new idea, a method of communicating using only smoke signals.

Sudoku is a logic-based number-placement puzzle. The objective is to fill the 9×9 grid so that each column, each row, and each of the nine 3×3 boxes (also called blocks or regions) contains the digits from 1 to 9 only once.

4

1

9

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6

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1

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1

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5

1

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4

7

4

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3

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7

2

5

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2

3 4

8 3

7 7

2

Filled-in cells cannot be horizontally or vertically adjacent, although they can be diagonally adjacent. The remaining un-filled cells must form a single component connected horizontally and vertically (i.e there must be no isolated numbers).

3

8

1

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7 8

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6

JEFFREY Nov 23—Dec 21

A tall dark stranger will

ROUGH PAD - FOR YOUR ALL-IMPORTANT SUDOKO CALCULATIONS

come into your life this week. Not that you’ll know it. He’ll come into your house when you’re sleeping, tip-ex a moustache on your face, leave your fridge door open and arrange your sleeping body into embarrassing postures.

SATAN Dec 22—Jan 20

Saturn is nearing its fourth

ascension - which is nice for Saturn. You’ll remain unaffected, however. Saturn doesn’t know about you. It doesn't even know it has a fourth ascension. It’s just mindlessly orbiting.

Astrologists: Ed Ballard, Wanja Ochwada, Jonathan Holmes

Not So Cryptic Crossword #8

ACROSS 1 Smart (7) 4 Three and you're out (7) 8 Lottery (11) 12 Gorillas, for example (4) 13 Relocate (4) 14 Mix smoothly (5) 15 Tell positively (6) 17 Dull yellowish brown (5) 22 Doing nothing (4) 23 Poles (5) 24 To cut into cubes (4) 25 _ the Dragon, Bruce Lee film (5) 28 Harsh (6) 30 Author of The Time Machine (5) 32 Russian monarch (4) 34 Extent of space (4) 35 A concert, for example (11) 38 Protected (7) 39 Government income (7) DOWN 1 Powered early locomotives (5) 2 Rules (4) 3 To perceive or understand (3) 5 Lapsang souchon (3) 6 Locations for filming (4) 7 Now and then (9) 8 Hardens (4) 9 Textile e.g. carpet or velvet (4) 10 To adjust to the correct note (4) 11 Living room furniture (4) 14 A fox's tail (5) 16 Part of a play (5)

The object of Hitori is to eliminate numbers by shading in the squares such that remaining cells do not contain numbers that appear more than once in either a given row or column.

Your relationship is in a Sudoku # 8

MUFASA July 24—Aug 23

ing pretty cheerful, thanks to your glass-half-full attitude - which is odd, considering that you’re one week closer to death, the wrinkles are just that little bit deeper, and another few thousand of your brain cells have withered away from disuse.

BEHORN'D GREYHOUND Mar 21—Apr 20

Hitori # 8

Puzzles

Caption competition # 6 This is your chance to show off your razor-sharp wit, your truly ridiculous imagination, your mastery of awful puns or your encyclopaedic knowledge of penis gags. This week's prize is 'eternal glory' (again) but watch this space for future prizes of nominal cash value! Send entries to editors@studentnewspaper.org with 'caption competition' in the subject line.

This week, some run-of-the-mill vet-sphincter interaction.

Caption competition #5: Last week's winner 18 19 20 21 26 27 28

Type of investment fund (5) Leading (9) Speak (3) Orkney, Shetland, Scilly etc. (5) Snare (4) Workplace communication (4) 5 wins in Six Nations: Grand _ (4)

29 31 33 34 36 37

Meat when lightly cooked (4) Hesitate (5) The back of (4) Measure of land (4) Enemy (3) Honest president (3)

Solutions

What's the matter? Can't stand the heat? Eh?! Don't worry, the answers are all here in tiny, inverted writing. The Student accepts no responsibility for strained eyes or neck injuries sustained by those too stupid to turn this page upside down.

Although we were tempted to just recycle last week's winning caption, this week's winner is Captain Obvious, with 'Of all the polls Oliver had been unsuccessful with, it was the one up his arse that caused the most problems' (submitted via studentnewspaper.org). Please find Eternal Glory attached. Show it to mum.

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

26

sport@studentnewspaper.org

Sport

Injury Time

TAKES A WRY LOOK AT THE WORLD OF SPORT

Clash of egos Martin Domin PICTURE THE scene. Two dozen student journalists, a football and a dearth of talent. And jumpers for goalposts, of course. With The Journal leading 7-6 and time running out, The Student's Oliver Farrimond pops up with an outrageous equaliser in the last minute of injury time, a pearoller which somehow snuck through the crowded penalty area. For a brief moment there is silence and then The Student's team erupt, crushing the unlikely hero under a pile of bodies.

The game heads to extra time and The Student's superior fitness tells as two quick goals ease them to victory.

The remainder of time is played out with the small but vociferous crowd calling 'Ole' as the ball was passed from player to player, the record being three complete passes.

One year on, the papers meet again -and this time it's personal, with a glance at the Facebook event page revealing players trading childish blows.

The Student's team is confident of defending its title. With new recruits and veterans coming together, we hope to seal victory long before extra time is even a possibility. Come Friday, we will play as if this is the Champions League Final when really all that's up for grabs are the bragging rights. But sometimes that's all you need.

Edinburgh women stun Manchester James Pope reports on a triumph for Edinburgh's rugby women

WOMEN'S RUGBY

University of Edinburgh

65

Manchester

0

EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY Ladies Rugby Football Club crushed Manchester University in their last 16 tie of the BUCS Championship Knockouts at Peffermill.

Edinburgh were dominant in all areas of the pitch as the forwards demolished the Manchester scrum, timing to perfection the drive, meaning that, frequently, scrum half Rachel Collins was collecting the Manchester put in from the feet of her own number eight. Once the ball left the forwards, the midfield ran straight through the Manchester lines and when the ball came to the backs the try line was often in sight.

Edinburgh cashed in to strike fear into the hearts of the next visitors, and the ‘to nil’ score line was never in doubt. Throughout the entire match, Manchester were only twice inside the Edinburgh 22,

such was the Edinburgh dominance.

The English side were denied any chance to start an attack with every opportunity broken down by solid tackling in the middle of the park.

Although a couple of tackles should have been aimed lower on the body, the Manchester side lacked both the pace and the power to break through the Edinburgh lines, constantly being driven back behind the gain line

and unable to make any penetration through the Edinburgh line. This resulted in the majority of the match being played in the Manchester half.

The star of the show in terms of tries was Ward, who ran over 4 times, with some superb breaks and enough strength to shake off any tackles that came. Along with Flemming (2) Mojoran (2), Hawthorn, James and Collins, Edinburgh’s 11 tries were

the main difference between the sides. Whether it came from flowing smooth play, with great passing and running or from a messy breakdown, Edinburgh took every opportunity they were handed.

Edinburgh next game is at home to the College of St Mark and St John at Peffermill on Wednesday 18th March, likely to kick off at 2pm.

TASTING SUCCESS: Edinburgh cruise through against Manchester despite the best efforts of their English opponents

Contact the Sport section at: sport@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday March 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Sport 27

Canoeists selected for summer trip Rachaell Haylett on Edinburgh's canoeists' efforts in Vietnam and Laos THIS SUMMER a team of the UK’s best student white water kayakers will travel to the remote mountain regions of Vietnam and Laos to explore their white water potential.

Ben McKeown and Eoghain Johnson, both key members of the Edinburgh University Canoe Club, were invited to join the team following a testing selection weekend in North Wales last November. This selection weekend allowed the kayakers to get to know one another better and led to a team of nine being voted in for the expedition.

Biology student Eoghain Johnson said: “It’s awesome to be involved in the expedition and to get to travel and paddle where very few rivers have been explored.” Graduating Ecology student Ben McKeown added: “Being part of the canoe club has definitely been a highlight of my university life. It has opened many doors to adventures and like minded people. The canoe club’s dedication to regular weekend trips has also helped me to progress my skills and kept me in practice to make a trip such as this a reality.”

British University Kayaking Expeditions are biennial events, the last one taking place in 2007. Former Edinburgh University graduate Sean Zhiem-Stephen travelled to Mongolia and Siberia to experience the white water there.

As well as kayaking the white water in Vietnam and Laos, they plan to capture on film the beautiful landscapes which are at risk from mass deforesta-

Cat McCleery

ON THE ROCKS: Eoghain Johnson (pictured) and Ben McKeown will make the trip to Vietnam and Laos in July tion and dam construction. The trip aims to pioneer and document first descents of rivers in the two areas experiencing as much of the local culture as possible along the way.

Ben and Eoghain have had to work hard alongside their 3rd and 4th year studies, researching old American

maps from the War for rivers, hunting for funding and sponsorship to make the trip possible, and organising training to prepare for the trip.

The University of Edinburgh will be well represented by these two talented kayakers selected for the expedition. It illustrates the success of the canoe club

Archers sweep the board

in organising trips each weekend that not only allow members to practice their sport but also encourage those that are new to the world of paddling.

The team is set to depart for South East Asia this July. Check out www.

Kayaknam.com for updates of their progress.

An Zhang reports from Loughborough, where Edinburgh's archers hit the mark SATURDAY MARCH 7 saw Loughborough University host the first BUCS Indoor Archery Competition. The newly renamed event saw over 400 archers from all seven university leagues shoot in three sessions throughout the day, including Edinburgh University Archery Club's (EUAC) closest competition Warwick and Nottingham. The majority of Edinburgh’s archers shot in the second session, along with Strathclyde, Birmingham, hosts Loughborough and Reading, making for a relaxed atmosphere in the hall.

Despite the warmth of the venue, both seniors and novices performed at a very high level, with novices Cindy Bie, Lucie Robertson and Russell Bannerman shooting particularly well. Robertson, having taken up the compound two days previously, won her novice category with a score of 524. Bie smashed the previous ladies’ novice record with 564, an increase of an incredible 20 points, while Bannerman finished with 545, over 100 points higher than his competition score the previous week, achieving both a personal best in and out of competition and the gents’ novice bronze.

The previous year this score would have earned gold but the high scores shot in this category provided tough competition for EUAC members. Alex Gilliland shot 521, completing the novice team and helping to set another new record with 1630.

The final record broken by Edinburgh was the senior championship team, breaking their own score set in 2007. The team comprised ladies’ winner Jenny Jeppsson, silver place Lizzie Williams, Erik Rowbotham and novice Bie. The admirable performance of all four archers pushed Warwick into second place with a total score

Women's team victorious as record number runs KB 5 Mile Road Race

SHOOTING FOR GLORY: Ladies' champion, Jenny Jeppsson of 2292, 15 points ahead of their closest rivals. Rowbotham’s 572 earned him ninth place of 149 competitors, the most competitive category of the event, and all of EUAC’s senior ladies ranked in the top ten, with three – Jeppsson, Williams and Naomi Jones in the top five.

Having won senior & novice team, all individual ladies categories and ranking highly in the rest, EUAC earned an extraordinary number of BUCS points, and are aiming to carry this good form into the final match of the season, the SUS Outdoors, to complete a stunning few months. Previously, the last day of February saw the EUAC attend the final SUS

league match of the season, against hosts Heriot-Watt and Dundee. All ten members went with high expectations, despite two of the highest-scoring archers of the senior squad being absent, competing at the British University Team Championships in Swansea. The shoot began like the last, with top female novice Cindy Law out-shooting the senior ladies, and almost equaling the senior men for the first two dozen.

The third dozen, however, saw Graeme Anderson and An Zhang both shoot 117 (of a possible 120), and Naomi Jones and Kyshiea Steele continue to shoot steadily, bringing up the running scores to equal

Law. Felix Pretis suffered from equipment problems from the fourth dozen, with the loosely bound bosses causing his arrows to bounce off the target in almost every end. Steele swapped bosses but had the same issue, changing back after a couple of ends. Overall, the senior and novice squads shot well, winning team golds with the novices shooting over 200 points more than second-place Dundee, with a total of 1585. The novice team consisted of Cindy Law (548), Alex Gilliland (519) and Matt Dalby (518) with Law and Gilliland coming first in their respective categories and Dalby finishing as second male novice.

Kyshiea Steele was first lady recurve with 552, her second gold in this season’s SUS league.

Having shot almost the same values arrow-for-arrow during the first half of the match, Naomi Jones and An Zhang both finished on 549, Zhang winning on golds. Jones’s third means she has filled each of the top three places in SUS this season. With 541, Felix Pretis completed the senior team and came first in the senior gents' category, meaning he has won each of the matches he has attended.

Graeme Anderson came second with 535 in his first SUS competition of the year.

Senior Stefan Gies and novice Russell Bannerman, in spite of shooting below expectations, performed respectably, finishing on 508 and 437 respectively.

With EUAC winning all individual and team categories, they have completed a perfect league season, reclaiming the novice title from Napier’s team. Having firmly established themselves within Scotland, their performance at BUCS should confirm the club’s standing as one of the best university clubs in the UK.

OVER 200 runners took to the streets around Kings Buildings on Saturday morning as part of the Edinburgh University ‘KB’ 5 Mile Road Race. Organised by the University Hare and Hounds, the race proved popular with students, staff, local runners, and club runners from across the country. In what was a very busy weekend in the spring racing calendar, ‘KB’ 5 managed to attract a record number of entrants with runners of all ages and abilities lining up to race the challenging and scenic course.

David Simpson of Fife-based Carnegie Harriers stormed to victory in 25.30, 13 seconds ahead of Glasgow University’s Thomas Fay while Paul Sorrie of Shettleston was third in 26.19. The first MV40 home was Edinburgh AC’s Roger Alsop in a time of 26.57 and Jeff Farquhar (Pitreavie AAC) was the first MV50 to cross the line. Alastair Robertson (Lothian RC) was the first under20 runner to complete the course, finishing in 29.24, while the boys' U17 prize went to Sandy McCleery (Glenalmond College).

The female race was won by Glasgow University’s Ruth Joss in 30.58. She beat Helen Bridle (31.17) of Dorking and Mole Valley TC into second place with Caroline Toshack of Edinburgh RC coming third (and first V35) in 31.48. First V45 was Yvonne Crilly of Livingston AC (34.25), while home runner Steph Davis of EUH&H picked up first U20 in 33.03. The girls U17 category was won by Emily Pollock of Greenock Glenpark Harriers in 34.44.

In the team competition, Edinburgh AC (Roger Alsop, Adam Chmielowski, Adam Priestly, Scott Innes) scooped first prize in the men’s category with Glasgow University Hare and Hounds coming a close second and Corstorphine AAC third. Home club Edinburgh University Hare and Hounds won the ladies' prize with fantastic runs from Briony Curtis, Steph Davis and Sarah Johnson leaving Glasgow University trailing in second place and Hunters Bog Trotters in third.

The real success was the number of runners who came and made it such a great race. It was fantastic to see competitors of all ages and abilities coming along and giving it a try.

As the results show there was some competitive running from the leading runners as well as lots of people new to racing trying out the distance for the first time. The biggest cheers of the day went to the exciting sprint finishes from both the front and back of the pack.

Full results are available at http://haries.eusu.ed.ac.uk

Sport

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday March 17 2009

65-0

Edinburgh's ladies overpower Manchester on the rugby pitch

P26

Three own goals sink Edinburgh in final SFA South Region Cup Final University of Edinburgh Spartans

0 6

THE UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh were thrashed 6-0 by Spartans at Meadowbank Stadium as their dreams of lifting silverware soon turned into a nightmare as their East of Scotland League rivals romped home. Incredibly, three of Spartans goals came courtesy of Edinburgh players as they shot themselves in the foot and were eventually outclassed.

It was Edinburgh who created the first threat on goal after ten minutes of the opening period. A set piece was whipped in by Scott Fusco but Peder Beck-Friis struggled to get his volley on target. Soon after, the on target shot of the match came via a speculative chip from the edge of the box.

However, the Spartans goalkeeper read it well and retreated to collect the ball.

Slightly against the run of play Spartans took the lead as a result of a corner which was not dealt with by Edinburgh. Poor marking meant that Ross Archibald ghosted into the box and headed powerfully past Mark Tait to make it 1-0 Spartans. The tenacious play of Neil Irvine in the middle of the park, however, meant that Edinburgh were getting plenty of possession but struggled to create anything more than half chances. The most notable of these arrived when Jamie Redman looped a difficult shot over the bar. In reality Edinburgh were far from out of this game and had created the better of any scarce goalmouth chances.

However, the sucker-punch was delivered moments before half-time as Spartans went 2-0 up. A driven ball from the left was deflected into the net off the shin of the unfortunate Scott Fusco. The two goal deficit was harsh on Edinburgh after an even first half in which neither side had performed at their best.

The introduction of top marksman Michael Hazeldine at the interval sparked the students into life and they had a chance to haul themselves right back into the match in the early stages of the half but Beck-Friis was off target with his effort. This missed opportunity proved costly as minutes later the game was all but wrapped up when Alasdair MacKinnon headed into his own net at the other end to put Spartans 3-0 up.

Edinburgh continued to look dangerous while lacking a cutting edge and Beck-Friis couldn't get enough on another effort to trouble

Clockwise from top: One of many goalmouth scrambles for Spartans; Captain Stewart Fowlie lifts the cup; the outclassed Uni squad displayed resilience the Spartans' goalkeeper. Spartans added some gloss to the score line minutes later with the best goal of the game to date. Alex King played a neat one-two with Robbie Manson before skipping into the box and lashing the ball beyond the outstretched and well beaten Tait. With the trophy all but in the cabinet, Spartans weren't about to sit back and defend their lead.

They continued to cause problems for Edinburgh, particularly down the right wing, and it was from there that their fifth goal was created. Neat play between Omar Kadir and Ross Ar-

chibald allowed the latter to send in a pin point cross which was once again sent into his own net by MacKinnon who was having a dreadful afternoon.

Edinburgh did their best to grab a goal back to add a shade of respectability to the score line but the closest they came was Michael Dick's long range effort which, although missed by the keeper, drifted wide of the far post.

Spartans were not finished at five and Dan Gerrard came within inches but his header from Archibald's cross flew wide.

The sizeable Spartans support did

not have to wait long for the sixth and final goal however and it was Archibald who added his second of the game. It was another cross from the right which proved to be Edinburgh's undoing and the centre back rose highest of all to nod in what proved to be the game's final goal.

There was no doubt that Edinburgh faced a tough task against one of the favourites for the East of Scotland Premier League title. Spartans have lost only once in the league this season and ran out 2-0 winners at Peffermill last month in a dress rehearsal.

They also reached the Third Round of the Scottish Cup Fourth Round only to be beaten by Scottish First Division side Airdrie United. The score line itself was perhaps surprising but there was little doubt that Micky Lawson's side deserved the win.

Edinburgh must now turn their attentions to the league as they look for a late surge to take them into the top four. They also have the Kings Cup competition in their sights and will be glad they can't come up against their conquerors who were surprisingly knocked out in the first round.

ALL PHOTOS: PAUL WADE

Martin Domin and Alistair Shand