Week 5 - S2 - The Student - 20082009

Tuesday February 10 2009 | Week 5

studentnewspaper.org

Icon of horror: Galloway out: full coverage Bruce Campbell of Rectorship race

Deciphering a masterpiece: Diana and Actaeon

P14

P19

S I N C E 1887

FILM

FILM

MAGAZINE

P4-5

T H E U K ' S O LD E S T S T U D EN T N EW S PA P ER

University defends Principal's pay rise Lecturers union says 9.6% pay increase 'beggars belief '

Jordan Campbell THE UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh has defended the 9.6% pay rise awarded to the Principal and Vice-Chancellor of the University, Sir Timothy O’Shea.

The increase means O’Shea’s basic salary rose from around £205,000 to £228,000 in 2008, a rate almost three times the level of inflation.

University spokeswoman Jane McClosky told the Student that the “University is a major business and requires the best leadership to continue its outstanding success.”

She added that since O'Shea's tenure began, the University “has continued to advance consistently, including in terms of academic and research excellence, financial turnover and commercialisation of research, and overall performance against peer groups.”

McClosky stressed that the Principal had no involvement in setting his salary.

The pay rise awarded to O’Shea was part of an average 10 per cent rise for Scottish principals, with similar increases for the principals of the universities of St Andrews and Glasgow.

O’Shea is Scotland’s second highest-paid principal after Sir Muir Russell of Glasgow University, whose salary totals £230,000, rising to £262,000 when pensions arrangements are included. The biggest increase went to Robert McCormack of the UHI Millennium Institute in Inverness, who was awarded a 25% raise.

According to Universities Scotland, Scottish institutions are now receiving the lowest settlement from the Scottish Government since devolution in 1999.

In 2007, Scottish principles expressed their concerns at the lack of additional funding, after receiving only a fifth of a promised financial package.

It is assumed that the current economic downturn will create more

uncertainty for Scottish universities, with public spending expected to be tightened.

The increases have received widespread criticism.

Peter Axon, a spokesman from UCU Scotland, the union which represents lecturers stated, “It beggars belief that, once again, we are seeing principals accepting huge pay increases at a time when the message to the rest of staff is that there is no spare money for salaries.”

“There is a growing feeling that universities are being run as businesses in which the collegiality on which their past successes have depended is abandoned and senior managers are paid inflated salaries to get as much as possible out of their junior employees for as little reward as possible The President of NUS Scotland, Gurjit Singh, expressed his worry at the potential for the rise to have a ‘demotivating effect’ on the staff working with students. EUSA President Adam Ramsay refused to comment on the issue.

A spokeswoman from Universities Scotland defended the increases, telling the Student that, “when comparing the public to the private sector, in scale of the job at hand, the salary increases are really very modest.”

She also stressed that “it was not as if academics had not had increases,” pointing towards the average 6% rise they saw in 2007.

Sir Prof. O’Shea was appointed to his current position in 2002 after a successful academic career in which he held prominent positions at the Open University and the University of London.

He also sits on the board of Scottish Enterprise and The China-Britain Business Council, receiving his knighthood in the Queen’s 2008 New Years Honours List.

New University widening access figures show progress. Page2 >>

Running as planned

Meadows Marathon to go ahead after council backs down. News page 3 >>

Overseas student numbers soar despite economy Guy Rughani IT HAS emerged that one in five UK degrees are awarded to international students, as the prestige of British universities continues to lure the overseas market.

According to a report by the Higher Education Statistics Agency, the number of foreign students from EU countries grew 6%, while the figure for those

from countries outside the EU rose by 6%.

Diana Warwick of Universities UK said of the figures: “It is a mark of the quality of our system that we attract international students. It is a privilege and a responsibility that we take seriously for the UK to be able to educate people from overseas. We hope many will be 'friends of the UK' in the future.”

Over one quarter of students at the University of Edinburgh come from

abroad, yet compared to other leading UK institutions, Edinburgh remains comparatively oriented toward British students.

In a list of the top 20 ‘most attractive’ UK institutions for international students, Edinburgh comes 18th, trailing far behind the leader, Manchester University.

Continued on page 2 »

JAMES ROBERTSON

Increase "very modest", says Universities Scotland

Tuesday February 3 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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The Student Newspaper | 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ Email: editors@studentnewspaper.org

In this issue NEWS

»1–7

»

Rectors Roundup p4-5

The Student reassesses the race, with Galloway out of the running

Are background checks disrupting tutorials? p6 There might be loads of aliens p7

COMMENT »9–11

Guarding Hell: A Guantanamo Story p9

Zeenath Ul-Islam speaks to an ex-guard from the notorious US prison

Money Money Money p10 Madeleine Battersby looks at University Funding

MAGAZINE »13–25

Darwin's Darker Days p11

Robert Shepherd looks into the student days of Edinburgh's most famous dropout

Diana and Actaeon p12-13

The Student decodes the layers of meaning in the controversial painting

Exodus of graduates take up teaching abroad Anna McSwan

UNPRECEDENTED NUMBERS of teachers are opting to leave the UK to work abroad, with the number of qualified teachers being recruited to schools overseas offering British curriculum rising by 26 per cent in the last three years.

There are currently over 70,000 teachers from the UK teaching in international schools, a figure which amounts to almost 14 per cent of teachers in UK state schools, according to ISC Research Company. It is predicted that this number will rise to almost 115,000 by 2013.

This exodus can be attributed primarily to expansion within the international school market, which has seen hundreds of British international schools opening across the world, their total having grown from 1,282 to 2,129 in the last three years.

Though salaries at international schools are rarely on a par with equivalent jobs in the UK, the job often comes with benefits such as tax-free salaries, rent, flights home and medical insurance.

Such trends have given rise to concerns of understaffing in British schools. John Dunford, general secretary of the Association of School and College Leaders, told the Guardian that the flight of teachers from the UK could exacerbate a shortage of maths and science teachers across the country.

A spokeswoman for the Department for Children, Schools and Families has argued however, that “Teacher vacancies remain low and stable. Teaching is one of the most popular career destina-

HANDS UP: Teaching abroad pays less, but is often less stressful tions for final-year university students.”

When asked about the appeal of teaching abroad, Eleanor Burnside, a teacher at St. Paul’s School in Sao Paulo, Brazil said: “We wanted to be able to have an adventure but also live a ‘real’ life at the same time. We felt that by living and working in another country we’d get the opportunity to get to know another culture from the inside, not just looking at it like tourists.

We taught for two years at comprehensives in outer London and were sick of feeling like our youth was being

wasted on night after night of marking until 10pm and horrible, stress-riven commuting. We thought that teaching abroad would allow us to further our careers and have an adventure simultaneously.”

Amongst graduates from the University of Edinburgh in 2007, 17% of those who entered work are employed in the education sector. This is third to 20% in property development, renting, business and research activities and 19% in health and social work.

Lifestyle p16–17

University shows success in access schemes

Film p18-19

James Ellingworth

Themed clubnights: why? Plus: the horrors of Valentine's Day Reviews of Doubt and the Good, the Bad, the Weird, as well as A reduced version of Revolutionary Road

Music p20-21

Lily Allen gets Album of the Week, and The Student pays a visit to Tom Jones in the recording studio

Arts and Theatre p22-23

Reviews of Blood Brothers, The Pajama Game, Swan Lake, plus novel of the week.

Tech p24

The Simple Bear Necessities: Banjo Kazooie isn't just for kids

TV p25

Andy Chadwick lets rip on Whitechapel

SPORT »27–28 A decade in the Doldrums p27

Martin Domin on why the future for Scottish football is anything but rosy

The University of Edinburgh has made progress in widening participation projects, according to new data, but there have been calls for more to be done to open up the university to students from poorer backgrounds.

Figures obtained by the Student under the Freedom of Information Act show that former private school pupils made up 39.3% of entrants from UK schools in 2007/8, down from 42% in 2003/4, but up markedly on the previous year’s proportion of 33%. By comparison, private schools teach just 7% of the population.

Figures for the most recent student intake are not yet available.

The data also shows that the proportion of applicants offered places at the University in 2008 was 41.6% for a privately-educated applicant, compared to 41.4% for a state-edu-

cated applicant. Those applying from private schools were more likely to accept an offer of a place, 25.5% of them doing so as opposed to 22.2% of state-educated applicants.

The data also showed strong results for the University’s access programme, aimed at encouraging mature students and those from poorer backgrounds to take up study.

Of 48 students who finished the access programme, 37 took up study at the University, with a further six either receiving a deferred offer or choosing to study elsewhere.

Another programme, Credit for Entry, showed low dropout rates, as just 5 of 57 students who entered the University by this means had withdrawn as of January 2008.

The University has also strongly supported the Lothian Equal Access Programme for Schools (LEAPS), which encourages local pupils to ap-

ply for university. In 2008, 240 of the students entering the University had previously taken part in LEAPS, up from just 100 in 2002.

It was recently revealed that one access programme at the University of Bristol had led to no students entering the university, despite 117 taking part.

EUSA President Adam Ramsay criticised the University for not having done more to widen access to the University: “The basic fact is that we are still a disproportionally middleclass university and we haven’t yet met the benchmarks the Government sets for participation from working-class backgrounds.

“We may be doing well in comparison to other top universities, but that’s largely because they do badly.

The university still needs to do much better.”

convener of the University’s Finance and General Purposes Committee, told the Student he believes it will make Edinburgh even more attractive to international applicants.

However, as the economic downturn hits Asia, there have been fears that the steady increase in international students will halt, as countries such as China turn to so-called ‘educational protectionism,’ invest-

ing in their own education systems and encouraging students to stay at home.

Overseas students contributed £1.713 billion in tuition fees to UK universities in 2006/7 and any significant cut could spell financial turmoil for Britain’s higher education institutions.

International students in UK soar Continued from front page...

The University does, however, continue to target its recruitment plans at the overseas market, with publicity trips planned to India, China, the USA and Malaysia – the top four countries for international students – in this semester alone.

The weak pound makes the UK a relatively attractive option for overseas students, and John Markland,

Tuesday February10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 3

Library suffers further as pound tumbles THE UNIVERSITY library has posted a £500,000 budget shortfall as the value of the pound continued to plummet against the euro and dollar in January.

Figures from December had suggested the hole in the budget was around £200,000, but sterling’s continued fall in January has increased the deficit to nearly half a million pounds.

There are fears Humanities and Social Sciences (HSS) students could suffer the most from a budget cut, since their books contribute one-third of total library spending.

The library budget is heavily dependent on the value of the pound as a wide variety of library purchases are paid for in foreign currencies, typically the euro and the dollar.

It is feared the book budget will suffer as journal subscriptions tend to be bought under contract for a set amount of years, delaying receiving of any savings.

EUSA Vice-President Academic Affairs Guy Bromley told the Student: “I’m worried that physical books will be the first to go, as they are easier to cut than e-journals which are often bought as part of a bundled contract.

This would adversely affect Humanities and Social Sciences students as their books make up 33% of all library spending compared to less than 6% in Science and Engineering and less than 4% in Medicine and Veterinary Medicine.”

Recent surveys have shown HSS students to be most dissatisfied with the library.

A library report from 2007 includes several quotes from HSS staff and students complaining about the shortage of books, with one postgraduate stu-

THOMAS GRAHAM

Anne Miller

There are fears Humanities students will be hit hardest by the library's book budget cuts dent commenting: “the only problems are the surroundings and the poor collection of books. But they are big problems.”

Surroundings are poised to improve with current construction work however cuts to the book budget could lead to further dissatisfaction amongst students.

April McMahon, head of the College of Humanities and Social Sciences, stressed the importance of safeguarding book buying for HSS students, referring to the library as “the laboratory of the humanities.”

She told the Student: “In my view the most important consideration is that any cuts need to be fair, transpar-

ent, and based on an agreed mechanism for budgeting, as then everyone involved can understand the steps that have been taken.

“It is also vital that if we do need to make library cuts, we communicate that decision as quickly as possible, because then we have time to consult and find out which books and journals

our students and colleagues absolutely have to have and protect those.”

The pound has rallied in recent days, giving rise to hope that the library deficit may shrink, but there are fears that further fluctuations will make planning difficult for some time to come.

Meadows Marathon saved after battle with city council Organisers hope for record turnout this year

JAMES ROBERTSON

Alexandra Taylor STUDENT ORGANISERS of the annual Meadows Marathon have won their fight against the council to let this years’ run go ahead.

Despite other similar events being cancelled due to concerns over possible damage to the natural environment, the Meadows Marathon was granted a last minute reprieve.

City officials had planned a moratorium on all events in order to give the Meadows a chance to recover from overuse after calls from campaigners to place a ban on large events in the park after sections were left badly churned following last year’s festival season.

The event’s organisers, students at the University of Edinburgh, have agreed that those taking part will not run on the grass and that all marquees will be erected on tarmac in an effort to limit any damage.

Natasha Heald, a student organiser

on the Meadows Marathon committee said: “It is obviously a big relief that the event now has full permission from the council as the committee have put a lot of effort into organising the event.

“Meadows Marathon clearly also has the backing of the university and many local councillors, so it is clear we have a lot of support. It would have been such a shame for the event not to go ahead as it supports so many local causes that really rely on the funds the event raises.”

She added: “We have never intended to use the grass as part of the running route or to hold tents, and I must stress that we have spent time thinking of ways in which to make sure we definitely avoid doing this.”

Heald is also optimistic for the event’s future: “The success of this year’s Meadows Marathon will hopefully make the council aware of the necessity and the positive effects such an event has.”

A surprise guest will start the half marathon and the five-kilometer fun run, with live music and entertainment provided en route.

Second year student and Meadows Marathon volunteer Matt Kirkbride told the Student: “The event is getting bigger and better, we have even invited

double gold Olympic medalist Kelly Holmes to attend this year and will be needing lots of student volunteers to get involved and help out on the day.”

The marathon is in aid of five main charities: Scottish Love in Action, Four Square, Maggie’s Cancer Caring Centres, the Meningitis Research Foundation and Barnardo’s Scotland.

Organisers are hoping to attract over 1000 people this year following the success of last year’s run, which saw more than 800 people take part and raised over £40,000 for charity.

Community parks officer, Mark Shields, of the Edinburgh’s Parks and Greenspace service told the Student: “I’m happy for all events to go ahead as long as they are managed properly.”

“In this case, there should be no damage to the grass as all infrastructure will be on the paths, but the future of similar events in the park is being discussed by the council.”

Proposals for the annual “Taste” food festival to be moved from the Meadows to Inverleith Park have already been passed.

There are also questions over whether large Fringe shows such as those by the Chinese State Circus and the Lady Boys of Bangkok will take place in the park later this year.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News: Rectorial Election special

Show's over as Galloway bows out of race Firebrand MP drops out blaming time pressures

DOWN AND OUT: George Galloway has dropped out of the race to succeed Mark Ballard as rector

CALUM TOOGOOD

James Ellingworth MAVERICK MP George Galloway dramatically dropped out of the contest for the University rectorship last week, throwing the race wide open.

Galloway, who had been vocal on the issue of support for Palestine, withdrew from the race on Thursday night, saying that the demands of his work at Westminster would prevent him dedicating enough time to rectorial duties if he were to win.

Galloway said: “Anyone who knows me, knows that I don't do anything half-heartedly and I really wouldn't have been able to spend the time I would have wanted in Edinburgh."

At his campaign launch two weeks previously, Galloway had said that he 'would not be a token candidate' and would 'be here regularly'.

In a statement confirming his withdrawal from the race, Galloway endorsed Iain Macwhirter, the journalist and broadcaster who has positioned himself as a politically independent candidate.

"I've admired his writing for a long time and I'm sure in a few years

we'll be looking back at how well he accomplished this important role and how it benefited the university and its students," Galloway added.

Macwhirter thanked Galloway for the endorsement, saying: “Our campaign now has the public support of people ranging from Socialist George Galloway, the Greens, SNP and Liberal Democrats, to the Conservatives.

"Galloway withdrawing also means I am now the only candidate who has consistently opposed top-up fees, ID cards and long-term government cuts in higher education funding.

“Galloway has done the honourable thing by admitting that, as a full-time MP, he doesn't have the time commit to the University and I wish him well in his aid mission to Gaza. As I have made clear throughout my campaign, I will be a working rector who will deliver for staff and students.”

George Foulkes, the Labour peer and MSP, said that he was not surprised that Galloway withdrew from the election. He told the Student: “Galloway should have known that he would not be able to complete the race. He should have considered his other commitments before he declared himself a candidate.”

Foulkes added that he felt Galloway's withdrawal would improve his chances of winning.

Galloway had declared himself as a primarily anti-Foulkes candidate, and would not be drawn to say anything negative about Macwhirter.

Foulkes in combative mood as he launches manifesto AS THE University rectorial campaign reaches its final days Labour MSP George Foulkes’ has released his manifestos for staff and students.

Foulkes has promised to campaign for more financial support for students, as well as take action on academic feedback and dodgy Edinburgh landlords.

Like rival candidate Iain Macwhirter he is pushing for a £7,000 minimum income guarantee for students, as well as increased course cost bursaries. He said: “Student funding is now worse in Scotland than it is in England - and we have to change that fast.

“As a member of the Scottish Parliament, I championed the plan for grants and loans up to £7, 000. This would increase existing support by £2, 500. It is a policy backed by your students association.”

He also highlighted his opposition to raising the cap on top-up fees in English universities. The upper limit on top-up fees is due to be reviewed later this year, and some university figures have been floating ideas of raising the cap to around £6, 000.

Foulkes told the Student: “There is of course no such thing as free education, if students pay less then taxpayers tend to fund institutions more. We could also look at the possibility of a graduate tax to fund higher education.”

He has also stated that, if elected, he will demand that the university allocate money for 1000 one-off course cost bursaries.

A ‘Careers Champion’ programme also features in his manifesto, which will build on the Careers Service’s existing programme to put students in contact with successful graduates.

Like Macwhirter, he will push for the George Square main library to be open 24 hours a day.

Foulkes’ manifesto also attacks the University for ‘coming down like a ton of bricks’ by closing the MyEd accounts of students who owe money to the Registry.

His campaign has enjoyed a strong presence on campus, distributing around 2,000 copies of his student manifesto around EUSA buildings and student accommodation.

As part of his separate manifesto to woo the staff vote, he promised to support staff unions on campus including the UCU, Unite and Unison.

With reference to Scottish Education Secretary Fiona Hyslop’s recent comments suggesting that universities should tailor courses to fit in with the government’s economic strategy, he said he would protect academic freedom from Government interference.

He added that ‘the initiative should come from universities’ when it comes to teaching students about the economic downturn.

WHAT HAS HE PROMISED?

- To fight for a £7,000 minimum income guarantee for students - To oppose plans to lift the cap on top-up fees in England - To demand the University allocate money for 1,000 oneoff course bursaries - A 'Rate my Employer' scheme to help students avoid dodgy bosses - To oppose any plans to introduce fares on the KB bus - To campaign for better feedback for students - Support for campus trade unions CAMPAIGN BUS: Foulkes has pledged that he will fight to keep the King's Buildings shuttle bus free

JAMES ROBERTSON

Neil Pooran

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News: Rectorial Election special 5

Rector candidates united against budget ‘raw deal’

RECTORIAL ROUNDUP

BY EX-EDITOR OF THE STUDENT, ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON

LAST WEEK the Scottish Government finally managed to pass its budget for the year ahead with nearunanimous parliamentary approval.

Yet there have been concerns that the budget still does not address a shortfall of higher and further education funding in Scotland. Both remaining candidates for Edinburgh University Rector hit out at the current ‘raw deal’ for higher education funding, echoing calls from other Rectors of Scottish Universities for more public money.

An extra £13 million for higher and further education was announced by Education Secretary Fiona Hyslop, as part of a huge accelerated spending package designed to help Scotland through the recession.

A large chunk of the money will go towards refurbishing Anniesland College in Glasgow, though the Scottish Government has also said that Edinburgh University’s Main Library Redevelopment Project is also set to benefit from the extra cash. Work on the George Square library is scheduled to be completed in 2011.

Labour MSP and Rector candidate George Foulkes described the funding situation as a ‘raw deal’, telling the Student: “We would have liked more money, and the reason we voted against the budget the first time round was to get more money. The Universities themselves asked for more funding originally, which the Scottish Government did not give to them. I voted in favour of the final budget, but the budget has to be a product of consensus.”

The SNP’s original plans for the budget fell on January 29 after the Scottish Greens withdrew their vital two parliamentary votes. A frantic week of concession-seeking followed, and eventually the budget secured the votes of all parties except the Greens, including Scottish Labour.

Rector candidate Iain Macwhirter

BALANCING THE BOOKS: Decisions made in the Scottish Parliament are influencing the rectorial race also attacked the SNP’s record on higher education funding, saying; “The SNP Government has made a commitment to higher education which it must now honour.”

However, universities umbrella group Universities Scotland was more positive about the extra funding and its prospects of reviving the Scottish economy, saying: “Universities have large campuses and have planned programmes of capital redevelopment so are therefore an excellent way to

stimulate the construction industry during the economic downturn.

“Universities all across Scotland have the capability to absorb one-off investments in capital expenditure.

This benefits not only the local community but also the students and wider community that our universities serve.”

SNP Scottish education secretary Fiona Hyslop defended the budget, saying: “Scotland's universities and colleges will be key to helping us

emerge strongly from the current economic downturn. Ensuring our people have the skills to boost their job prospects and the economy, as well as supporting research and development in the business community, will be at the centre of our country's recovery.

"To aid the Scottish Government's economic recovery plan, colleges and universities are benefitting from our intention to bring forward investment previously earmarked for future years.”

Macwhirter calls for new KB library to be built James Ellingworth

HE IS NOT AMUSED: Iain Macwhirter believes the current KB libraries restrict students' ability to study

RECTORIAL CANDIDATE Iain Macwhirter has called for a new centralised library to be established on the King's Buildings campus, to replace the three currently operating on the site.

Macwhirter claims that the current system restricts students' ability to study and research.

He told the Student: “I am surprised to find that out of the three libraries in the King's Buildings, only the Darwin Library is open past 6pm through the week and the James Clerk Maxwell library is closed all weekend.

“It is unacceptable that students do not have access to the material they need, when they need it. This is why I will support a centralised library in KB with increased opening hours.”

All of the current libraries on the King's Buildings campus have opening hours that are significantly reduced

compared to those at the Main Library in the Central Area.

The Darwin Library, which holds the University's Biological Science collection, is the only one to be open at the weekend, but only with restricted opening hours.

Macwhirter has previosuly pledged to fight for the Main Library to be open 24 hours a day.

Both rectorial candidates have spent much of their time at the King's Buildings over the past week to target science students' votes.

During the week, Macwhirter also chaired a debate on Scottish independence between the University's Scottish Nationalist Association and the Conservative and Unionist Association.

Both organisations have thrown their support behind Macwhirter's candidacy, joining a range of political societies that also includes the University's Young Greens and Liberal Democrats.

ANITA GOULD

Neil Pooran

AF TER COPIOUS amounts of blood, sweat and posters, the Edinburgh University Rectorial elections are reaching their final hours. Since George Galloway, the only contender with anything approaching celebrity status, exited the ring we are left with two Edinburgh oldboys who are both established figures in the Scottish political scene.

Both are capable candidates, and it has to be said that both manifestos are broadly similar. In some ways the lack of diversity in the field is disappointing Which way will it go? The Student wouldn’t be daft enough to call it just yet; our online opinion polls have turned out to be little more than a gauge for how fast the well-oiled campaign machines can manipulate them.

Outside of the student press there’s regrettably been little in the way of organized back-andforth between the candidates so far, which is why the hustings debate due to be held this Tuesday evening is bound to be entertaining. You can count on The Student to be there, and if you miss the debate itself you can check out the University’s online coverage or see our News Blog for a roundup on studentnewspaper.org.

As anyone who read last week’s front page might have guessed, this newspaper has entered the debate around the Rectorship to a considerable degree. Yet this week a cloud has gathered over our usually cheery publication.

Word has reached the Fort Student (actually a basement in the Pleasance) that some of our newspapers may have been removed from Union buildings by persons unknown with nefarious intent. The Student is currently investigating the matter, and as we go to press we can’t be certain of any unusual goings-on with our distribution.

We are however encouraged by the news that our elected EUSA representatives are already on the case, and are appealing for witnesses. Anyone who has deliberately and maliciously removed bundles of Students from circulation can be assured of a swift and brutal trial by media.

If the Rector elections don’t satiate your need for democracy, we’ve got the Student’s Association elections coming up in just a few weeks, and the GM right around the corner. Candidates for President haven’t declared officially as yet, but we’ll be surprised if familiar faces Thomas Graham, Oliver Mundell, Tess Quinton and The Student’s own President Liz Rawlings don’t start campaigning soon after the new Rector is announced.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News

NO DAY LIKE SNOW DAY: The Meadows after last week's snowfall. While some Edinburgh schools were shut down, the capital largely avoided the chaos which hit other parts of Britian

Animal lovers fight tooth-andclaw over funding Olivia Piteway A WAR of words has emerged between two animal welfare charities as the Scottish Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SSPCA) has come to blows with the Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (RSPCA) over fundraising practices.

It has been claimed that the RSPCA has been taking money from the Scottish public by advertising within the country, despite being based only in England and Wales.

The RSPCA denied deliberately raising money in Scotland, however has admitted to receiving up to £1.25m a year from donors north of the border.

The SSPCA has launched a scathing advertising campaign against the RSPCA featuring a starving dog next to the words “The RSPCA won’t save me…”, and “the RSPCA can’t rescue animals in Scotland but they do want your money”.

The RSPCA have defended their actions by claiming that all possible donors calling from Scotland are in fact put through to the SSPCA, and

that some satellite channels only allow UK wide airtime to be purchased.

Additionally, all advertisements state the RSPCA is a charity based in

“

It's silly since the two charities have the exact same aim, and since Scotland is part of Britain that they are not just a united organisation.”

Mhairi Scott-Fraser, 3rd year English Literature

England and Wales.

Despite twin goals to save mistreated and abused animals a merger between the two companies is hindered by the fact that the SSPCA has semi judicial status, making it a reporting agency to the Crown Office and of similar status to the police,

whereas the RSPCA does not.

The SSPCA has admitted to financial struggles, receiving no government or lottery funding, with expenditure in 2007 equalling income at £10.1m.

In contrast the income of the RSPCA in 2007 totalled £114m, expenditure being £111m and also possessing reserves in the region of £150m.

It is claimed that just 1 per cent of the £63m the RSPCA received from legacies in 2007 would cover the costs of caring for all of the animals in Scotland’s largest rescue centre for an entire year.

The general consensus among Edinburgh students seems to be sympathy for the SSPCA but bewilderment as to why the two remain in competition.

Mhairi Scott-Fraser a third year English Literature student said “I completely understand the issue that the SSPCA has with the RSPCA’s fund raising practices, but I do think it’s silly that since the two charities have the exact same aim, and since Scotland is part of Britain that they are not just a united organisation.”

JULIA SANCHES

PHOTO OF THE WEEK

Tutorials disrupted by disclosure checks Anna McSwan DELAYS WITH vetting scheme Disclosure Scotland in processing criminal record checks for staff at the University have caused disruption in various first year courses.

Among subjects affected were French and German, where several under-18 students were asked to move tutorial groups mid semester when it emerged that some tutors did not have enhanced disclosure checks.

Under the Protection of Vulnerable Groups Act, anyone working with under 18s should be subjected to an enhanced disclosure check of criminal records. Since many Scottish students enter university at the age of 17, this results in bureaucratic hold-ups for universities. The fact that organisational lapses with Disclosure Scotland have postponed the clearing of several tutors has meant that students under 18 have had to settle into new tutorial groups.

These have often become overcrowded and can be less convenient for the students involved.

One student affected has only been able to attend three tutorials this year

for one subject due to timetable clashes resulting from moving groups.

One first-year French and German student who was moved for both courses said “Because we were moved in the middle of semester, we only really got to know our tutors a certain amount. The university did sort the problem out but there was no real attempt to help accommodate us.”

However, a first year taking German as an outside course who was also affected said “I think it was handled relatively well considering how little they could do to rectify the situation.

It is of course a little odd and annoying to be treated like a child, but that is the law...”

Peter McColl, current Rector’s Assessor, described the requirement of enhanced disclosure check for all university tutors as an “overenthusiastic implementation of regulations, given that in a tutorial generally only a few students will happen to be 17.

“There is no obligation upon an institution to disclosure, it is simply a precaution against the possibility of prosecution, and I would be astonished if the University was paying for disclosure checks on all staff.”

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 7

Students told to splash out for tap water

IN

Brief

Law professor's name used in phishing scam

New campaign aims to raise funds for droughtstricken developing world

A PROFESSOR of Law at the University has been strangely connected to a deceased rabbi in an internet scam, in the form of an email asking recipients for legal documents in order to share will funds.

Claiming to emanate from Professor John W. Cairns and providing a University of Edinburgh postal address, the message insists that Rabbi Benzion Dunner “maintained an account worth Millions of Dollars with my branch”. The professor’s identity has apparently been hijacked in an attempt to lend the scam some credibility.

The email in fact originated from Hong Kong. The real Professor Cairns, who never had the rabbi as a client, is baffled by the email connecting them, telling the Jerusalem Post that: “I had never heard of Rabbi Dunner before the email last week. I hope no one thinks this is sinister on my part. People would have to be pretty stupid to think it is from me.

It’s all just rather strange.”

Alexandra Taylor

AMcS

Shrek robs Scotmid

WATER GREAT IDEA: The donations will go towards improving water supplies in the developing world charity. The organisation claims that five thousand child deaths happen daily as a result of water-related disease.

‘Tap into WaterAid’ will be going nationwide on 22 March 2008, to correspond with UN World Water Day. The aim is to convince Britain’s restaurants, cafes and bars to support the charity by suggesting customers make

a small donation when ordering tap water to drink.

Adeline Moe, who is overseeing the national project said: “As it costs just £15 for WaterAid to bring safe water, sanitation and hygiene education to someone in poverty…this initiative would literally change someone’s life.”

WaterAid managed to secure over £40 million pounds of donations last

year, and operates in 17 of the world's poorest countries including Bangladesh, Madagascar and Nepal.

An earlier campaign by the University's WaterAid society saw them attempt to raise awareness of the lack of adequate sewage in the developing world, through the memorable named World Toilet Day.

Scientists get the measure of aliens

SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE: The research suggested nothing like this would happen any time soon

JONATHAN HOLMES

Neil Pooran RESEARCHERS AT the University of Edinburgh have concluded that there could be between 361 and 38, 000 extra terrestrial life forms in the galaxy The figures come after academics used existing research to calculate how often the optimum conditions for life would occur in different planets and solar systems. The factors affecting how life can develop are complicated, but recent improvements in astronomy have allowed scientists to make more detailed estimates.

The Edinburgh team constructed a computer model of the galaxy based on astronomical data that allowed them to study how life evolved under different scenarios.

The researchers looked at three scenarios of how life could develop.

The first of these assumes that it is difficult for life to be formed but easy for it to evolve, and suggests there

are 361 intelligent civilisations in the galaxy.

A second scenario assumes that life is easily formed, but it struggles to develop intelligence, and suggests that as many as 31,513 other forms of life are estimated to exist.

Finally, they examined the possibility that life could be passed from one planet to another during asteroid collisions, which gave a result of 37,964 intelligent civilisations in existence.

Duncan Forgan, who carried out the research, said: “It is important to realise that the picture we’ve built up is still incomplete, and even if alien life forms do exist, we may not necessarily be able to make contact with them, and we have no idea what form they would take. Life on other planets may be as varied as life on earth and we cannot predict what intelligent life on other planets would look like or how they might behave.”

WATER AID/ JUTHIKA HOWLANDER

ACTIVISTS HAVE launched a campaign to start charging students for tap water in all union buildings.

From Monday 23 February, the new proposals will encourage students to voluntarily pay for their drinking water in a bid to raise money for the charity WaterAid. The campaign, which is called ‘Tap into WaterAid’, is designed to raise awareness of the water shortage crisis in the developing world.

Students can expect to see donation boxes and posters at all cafes, bars and till-points from Potterrow to the King’s Buildings.

Third year Maxine Carr, head of the University’s WaterAid society, has high hopes for the project: “I think it will have a big impact on the student body. Many of us take free water for granted and forget that 1.6 billion - 40 per cent of the world’s population, don’t have access to it.”

In time, the activists are confident that the idea will branch out to the many restaurants neighbouring George Square.

Carr believes that the charity’s message is one of great importance: “Promoting clean water is essential.

Students are a captive market as they can commit to WaterAid; they have more free-time to help and get involved.”

The campaign’s success depends on students rallying behind the cause.

All passers-by will be able to donate at the tills, regardless of whether they are purchasing water.

The money raised by the society will go towards a variety of worldwide projects affiliated to the WaterAid

LAST SUNDAY morning a man wearing a Shrek mask stole £400 cash and 200 cigarettes from an Edinburgh Scotmid store.

The man threatened staff with a knife at the store in Oxgangs Road North, ordering them to empty the contents of the till into a bag.

Police are still hunting the thief – described as white, 5ft 9in tall and of slim build.

A Lothian and Borders Police spokesman said: “This is a very serious crime... we are now appealing for anyone who recognises the description of the male to contact police immediately.”

“Similarly, anyone in the area at the time who can provide information to help with our enquiries should also come forward.”

JK

£1.5 million spent on Parliament bombproofing FEARING A truck bomb attack, the Scottish Parliament has put forward proposals to install 162 concrete bollards around the Holyrood site.

Costing an estimated £1.5 million, the bollards and leaf-shaped benches will protect the building to the standards set out by the security services.

German company SIMONSWERK were employed during the building's design to make it 'bomb proof.'

Featuring blast proof doors capable of withstanding a 100kg TNT bomb, SIMONSWERK also developed the glass for the debating chamber ceiling, which under the force of an explosion, is designed to remain perfectly intact.

Despite this, MI5 feel that concrete bollards would vastly improve the building’s chances.

“At the moment,” said a Scottish Parliament spokesperson, “the building could not withstand a single suicide truck bomb.”

GR

  

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Comment 9

Comment

Zeenath Ul Islam

Guarding Hell: A Guantánamo Story

Speaking to former Guantánamo Bay guard, Christopher Arendt, on his UK speaking tour with ex-detainee, Moazzam Begg, in Edinburgh last week, Zeenath Ul Islam examines how two sides can tell one story

T

HROUGH ME is the way into the woeful city; through me is the way into eternal woe; through me is the way among the lost people - The Gates of Hell,Dante’s Inferno.

“One of my favourite hobbies when I was in Guantánamo Bay was coming up with analogies for the camp that would help it make sense. One of my favourites was from Dante's inferno, and Guantánamo Bay being like hell. It was pretty true to the whole thing. One of the first gates you have to go through is a lot like Cerberus. There are seven levels of hell with different levels of tortured souls stuck in this perpetual, endless game, suffering for -I guess- just insanities sake and in the confines of this analogy it was kind of necessary to accept that I was playing the role of a demon. That’s how I saw things.”

Twenty four year old Chris Arendt has the appearance of a student in a generic uniform of hoodie and jeans. He joined the National Guard at only sixteen, then became a concentration camp guard at Guantánamo Bay when only nineteen.

“In America they come to poor people and say: if you join the military you will have a job, health insurance, housing and they’ll pay your college fees. All of this is attractive to kids who have no hope of going to College, who are watching their families lose their jobs after years of work, and who don’t have any real hope of getting out of the circumstances they were born into. So I joined the military and then I was forced to deal with that decision when we were mobilised to Guantánamo Bay.” In retrospect Arendt explained that, “we were not in any way shape or form ready for what we were heading into and so we all learned as we went along. We were completely alienated away from even the people we had come there with, were thrown into the blocks, and learned how to deal with that while we were there.

And so there was a very young group of people running the most top-secret de-

tention facility in the entire nation, the entire globe- right now. We were the little puppets that ran the whole show.”

Arendt always saw the detainees as human beings even though they were dehumanised daily and caged like animals, “anyone who has empathy and is not a psychopath would see them as human.”

But ultimately that was always Arendt’s dilemma, “I couldn’t really get over the fact that these were human beings in these cells. We were told they were terrorists, we were told that they were ‘the worst of the worst’, we were told that they’d kill us with toilet-paper knives if they could and that they’d probably kill our whole families. I just didn’t believe it.”

“

Anyone who has empathy and is not a psychopath would see the detainees as human.”

Christopher Arendt

Despite the military propaganda, and the social and political conditioning of the army, Arendt maintained his humanity, and since leaving his military post has decided to campaign for justice.

“Torture: did I see it? Yes. But I think most people I talk to about the subject of torture are thinking about it wrong.

There’s a list and it’s an insidious list. The government knows they are not going to surprise you; they are relying on your apathy. But we must remember: the whole camp is torture. Everything about the camp is torture, right down to the issuing of toothbrushes, which is an entire psychological process.”

He continues emphatically, “Having someone detained there separated from the legal system, separated from their family, and separated from everything

they have ever known, is torture. So when you ask people whether they saw torture, you’re kind of exposing that you haven’t really thought about it enough to know, and to acknowledge, that this entire thing is a torturous process of the human soul.”

By definition, he says, “torture is essentially the usage of any kind of psychological or physical implement or pain or distress to gather information: that’s what Guantánamo is all about and it doesn’t just happen in interrogation rooms.”

248 prisoners are still held at Guantánamo. 779 have passed through its gates since January 11 2002. None of the men held there have been proven guilty of any crime. Guantánamo's kangaroo courts don't meet international standards of justice and are incapable of proving anything at all. The Edinburgh based human rights group SACC (Scotland Against Criminalising Communities) state that, “most of the prisoners haven't had even the doubtful privilege of one of these sham trials, and have never been charged with any crime. Most are in Guantánamo for the flimsiest of reasons, caught up in a desperate US trawl for human trophies.

All have suffered years of torment, humiliation and despair. All have had to live with the possibility that they might be detained for the rest of their lives without any chance of legal redress. Many have suffered treatment that a recent report by the Senate Armed Services said was 'based, in part, on Chinese Communist techniques used during the Korean war to elicit false confessions.' Some have suffered extreme torture at stopovers arranged by the US during their rendition to Guantánamo.”

If the Guantánamo prisoners had been detained under ordinary law in any law-abiding country in the world they would have been charged or released within a few days. The Guantánamo men have been detained for years. They should be released right now, or charged right

now, with recognisably criminal offences and brought promptly before a fair and open court. If their home countries aren't safe for them, the US has a clear responsibility to give them freedom and a home if they want it, or to arrange a home in a safe country if they don't. The rest of the world, or those parts of it that claim to value human rights, can do no less after seven years of inaction than to grant the men a haven and join the demands for justice.

“

There was a very young group of people running the most topsecret detention facility on the globe. We were little puppets.”

Christopher Arendt

The SACC told The Student that, “Guantánamo isn't just America's shame.

It's Britain's shame too. The British intelligence services were complicit in the capture of prisoners sent to Guantánamo and complicit in their torture en route for Guantánamo.” Scotland has a particular relationship to Guantánamo; it was a key staging post for CIA rendition flights, providing a refuelling stop for aircraft returning to the US after carrying prisoners along stages of their journeys to Cuba. The Scottish Government and the Scottish Police have had comprehensive evidence about this for over a year – provided by legal charity Reprieve – and have so far taken no significant action over it.

The SACC have brought to public attention, the many men in Britain who are in jail or under virtual house arrest because the Government says they are connected to “terrorism” but haven’t yet been charged with any offence. In January 2009, Omar Deghayes a former

Guantánamo prisoner stated, “we have been meeting people who are on Control Orders so that we can report their plight and I am saddened by what I have seen…

This is a huge disappointment for me after coming back from Guantánamo Bay and then seeing another Guantánamo in our backyard.”

Openly speaking about his experience is undoubtedly cathartic for Chris Arendt, who has joined the organisation Iraq veterans against the war. “We all share a common sickness. We were all good people and tried are damnedest to remain good people in awful situations.

And we are all young boys and girls who got stuck in the worst political mess- the biggest fiasco- that has made us do the most awful things that we will all regret for the rest of our lives. And nobody else understands that. I will never be able to explain to you my experience, or the experience of the detainees at Guantánamo, or the experience of the veterans against the war, because it’s something you have to experience. Once you have that illness it makes you an alien. You are free of that, you don’t have that illness and I envy you.”

Despite the deep indelible physical and mental scars of Arendt's military experience, he places his hope firmly in humanity. “Since I have been on tour with Moazzam Begg, and riding in the same car, we have been human beings.

That’s why all this thing is broken. You can’t do things like this if you think of other people as human beings. Take a look around you- this is your community and no matter what divides you, you can come together as a community; this is inside the spirit of Man. We can come together as a community despite religious and ethnic differences. If you have managed to spend a little time on the opposite side of the cell wall with somebody you can realise that no matter what divides you, you’re both people and that’s all that matters.”

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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10 Comment

Money, money, money

Let the battle commence: Madeleine Battersby weighs in on the fierce debate over university funding

T

he battle ground between traditional academia and innovative vocational training has long been messy. With £1.5 billion of research funding up for grabs fears that the government is set to cut back on finances given to Oxford, Cambridge and other universities from the prestigious Russell-Group, in order to invest in ex-polytechnic universities has further enraged the heated debate surrounding higher education.

This difficult debate continues following recent reports that graduates in almost every subject, apart from education, from older universities such as Oxbridge and others in the RussellGroup, are going to earn more than those from newer establishments. Students from newer universities are left confused and betrayed as their debts increase, and their employability sinks lower.

Gloomy news for graduates has been worsened by this country’s misguided attitude to political correctness, which continues to spiral into further insanity. A new scheme unveiled last week which proposes to cut back on finances given to long-standing elite universities in order to fund newer less-experienced ones embodies fear that a degree is no longer valued by its quality, but its function. It reduces a degree to merely a product of an education system dictated by the mediocre expectations of a society which is fearful and ashamed of its highly respected longest-standing elite universities. It indicates that appreciation of our top universities is seen as embarrassing or even irrelevant.

Smaller institutions do play a valuable role in education, undoubtedly providing students with vital hands-on experience and vocational qualifications, adding to a blossoming genera-

tion of experienced graduates. They provide variety to the swarm of yearly university leavers. However, there is a strong feeling of injustice as the country’s longest-standing, most respectable and reputable establishments will face financial punishment if the government does indeed choose to favour less established institutions.

Those opposing the proposition argue that Oxbridge and universities from the Russell-Group will lose out on a huge amount of dependable funding.

Close sources state that Oxford and

Cambridge could lose around £8.5 million per year should the government pursue its policy of protecting less established and less prestigious universities. Other universities within the Russell-Group would suffer, including Imperial College London which faces a 30% cut of its research funding. Manchester, Southampton and the University College London are also cited as universities which would encounter serious losses. There are concerns that only a few of the highest establishments in the country will be able to seek

Zeenath Ul Islam & Mairi Gordon

finance from private investors, while many universities within the RussellGroup will experience some form of loss as a direct result of funding being re-distributed.

Defenders of ex-polytechnic universities argue that higher education has long been riddled and defined by petty financial squabbles, that it is time for a change, and that the real gems of British universities will be able to support themselves quite comfortably, and would easily find endorsement from outside investors. Professor Les Ebdon, who is chair of the Million+ group of modern universities, states that: “If these people [in the RusselGroup] are as good as they say they are, they will have no trouble finding the money elsewhere.” Arguably, the question of who is more deserving of the financial aid is influenced by a cornucopia of factors ranging from political persuasion, geography or an individual’s background, making the debate between the elites and the newbies even more personal.

Traditional British academic pride becomes completely lost in the furor between supporting our long-standing elites but also appreciating that educational opportunity is arriving in a number of new forms. Ultimately, everything boils down to money, and to whose pockets it goes.

Amid increasing financial strife Students are far from safe. The Conservative Shadow Secretary for universities, David Willetts warns, “there’s an official conspiracy that all universities are the same; they are different. Young people are entitled to this information, especially when they are expected to borrow large amounts of money to go to university”. The hint that some students are wasting their time, wading

into debts and struggling with difficult studies when they could be on bettersuited apprenticeships or internships, is a controversial one but perhaps one that is often underrated.

“

Gloomy news for graduates has been worsened by this country's misguided political correctness, which continues to spiral further into insanity.”

As the age at which big decisions are made between vocational and academic qualifications lowers, students are all too often falling under a veil of selfinduced pressure to pursue the traditional mainstream path to their chosen career. With more open-minded careers advice and with less emphasis on elite universities, many could be spared the up-hill-struggle of three or four expensive and difficult years.

Students need to know that there are other options open to them. With this information, it’s possible to save money as well as shrink the gap between longstanding elites and upcoming vocational establishments. Now is the stage to prevent future graduates from falling through politically correct and socially acceptable gaps in higher education, and to help them to get on the right path to a happier, more stable future.

Big Mouth, Big Trouble

Henry Middleton reminds us: if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all

T

he question of free speech was once again brought to the fore last week as details emerged of comments made by Carol Thatcher allegedly using the archaic term “golliwog” in reference to JoWilfried Tsonga, the French Tennis player.

She claims that the comments were made in a private conversation with Adrian Chiles, presenter of BBC’s The One Show. Debate has raged in the press over whether the term is racist.

The “anti-Political Correctness” lobby argue that it simply refers to an inoffensive children’s toy, while Thatcher’s spokesman claimed that "She made a light aside about this tennis player and his similarity to the golliwog on the jam pot when she was growing up.”

Clearly the BBC was not convinced and decided to axe her as a contributor on the show.

Critics of the BBC’s decision were quick to argue that the BBC used double standards, citing the Jonathan

Ross-Russell Brand controversy where the Radio Two presenters made prank calls to Andrew Sachs suggesting that Brand had slept with his granddaughter. Ross recently returned to his £6 million a year job after a twelve week suspension. They claim that Ross’s celebrity meant that he wasn’t sacked. It is easy to see truth in this claim.

Jeremy Clarkson, the outspoken presenter of Top Gear, has managed to avoid dismissal regularly. Last year he landed himself in trouble for joking about lorry drivers murdering prostitutes and only last week was forced to apologise for calling Gordon Brown a “one-eyed Scottish idiot.” Scottish politicians, including Lord Foulkes who is campaigning to be Edinburgh rector, called for him to be removed saying “if the BBC banned Jonathan Ross for what he said and they have taken Carol Thatcher off air for something she said in private, then something should be done about Clarkson.” The BBC has decided to take no action since he

apologised.

Similarly, last November the BBC showed that they were willing to make exceptions for their most popular presenters. Chris Moyles joked in a live broadcast “I've always found in my experience that prostitutes make very good cleaners and their ironing, brilliant. I just find that if you're Polish, you're very good at ironing ... and prostitutes ... very good also at fixing cars."

The BBC responded by insisting that Moyles had “definitely not meant to cause any offence, adding that he “was poking fun at ridiculous and unfair stereotypes.” Clearly the BBC believes Moyles’ controversial style is defensible, especially as he brings in almost eight million listeners every morning.

That figure, the six million Top Gear viewers and four million for Friday Night with Jonathan Ross suggest that many people agree with the BBC’s view of good taste. Perhaps Britain does still believe in the absolute right to free speech. But are there limits to what is

acceptable?

“

Chris Moyles joked in a live broadcast: 'I've always found that prostitutes make very good cleaners and their ironing, brilliant.

I just find that if you're Polish, you're very good at ironing... and prostitutes... very good also at fixing cars.”

In reality people can get away with most things as long as they don’t cause widespread offence. The Thatcher racism issue did. So too does an attack

against an individual like Clarkson’s “one-eyed Scottish idiot” comment. By choosing to use a term widely viewed as racist the BBC felt that it could not defend Thatcher. Clarkson’s mention of the Prime Minister’s disability in his attack elicited a slap on the wrist for the controversial broadcaster.

Recently BBC’s Panorama looked at the perception of the public’s growing anger at the decline in standards in broadcasting. In numerous interviews it became clear that there is a growing fear in broadcasting organisations that they need to tone down their content.

However, the programme concluded that whilst a minority of the public felt that there was too much obscenity on TV and radio, the vast majority believed that broadcasters had a duty to reflect real life and to stir up debate.

So yes, sometimes broadcasters do over step the line, but they should not be too scared of pushing the boundary.

A simple apology will normally return them to favour.

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Comment 11

Well-fair?

Baby It's Cold Outside

Work, work, work: Mairi Gordon asks what's next for welfare?

A

ssume I am a rational economic individual.

I have needs—food, shelter, clothing—and beyond those essentials I have desires—tasty food, comfortable shelter and clothing I actually want to wear. All this results in one overarching unavoidable requirement: money.

So, barring a successful stint in the Big Brother House or marrying well and truly up, I am left with another inevitable word: work.

Money and work: neither are bad words, in fact they’re words just about everyone looks forward to hearing, particularly in the gathering gloom of recession, when these necessities are increasingly scare.

People are, however, much more than rational economic individuals. If the government’s proposals for welfare reform fail to acknowledge this inconvenient truth then little will change.

Yes, those who are able to work can and should, and not only on the grounds of economic reasoning. Anyone reading this paper is, most likely looking forward to a career that will combine a living wage with a meaningful experience. We may not be the lion tamers, dolphin trainers and astronauts that at five we dreamed of becoming but, with our degrees in hand, we have some insurance that while we may wait tables and stack shelves for a while this will not be indefinite. Put simply we have an opportunity to one day do a job we like.

The government’s latest welfare reform bill emphasizes the obligation to work and, if passed, will introduce tougher sanctions for welfare recipients who fail to take steps to prepare for and to seek paid employment. Making interview attendance and other suggested steps back to work compulsory isn’t a wholly misguided move. It may provide an impetus for those who would otherwise have little contact with job centre services. It may indeed motivate more people to return to work or training.

What the government must avoid is using these sanctions to bully people into low paid, low quality jobs that offer no training and little hope of mobility.

Too often in its reports and rhetoric the government forgets that employment is not synonymous with ending poverty.

Half of all households with children that are in poverty have at least one parent in employment. The National Minimum Wage has proven insufficient to support families who, after the cost of housing and childcare is subtracted, may see little of the financial benefit paid employment brings.

While Labour has rightly sought to improve the financial standing of low paid workers and families through a system of tax credits. However the government should not be satisfied with subsidizing low paid, low quality jobs in lieu of providing training and education and, where possible, creating better jobs.

It is the provision of support and training, and not the effectiveness of sanctions that will ultimately determine the success of this latest attempt at welfare reform. True reform requires original thinking. The Welfare Reform Bill includes proposals for a more personalized system of conditionality and support, where recommendations and required steps to work are made according to a person’s individual circumstances. If the government succeeds at

creating a personalized service, in tune with the needs of the people it works for, then it will have taken a valuable step towards revitalizing the welfare system. It should not shy away from this goal in the midst of recession.

Today’s economic crisis means there are fewer job available and competition for remaining vacancies will undoubtedly be heated. This crisis presents a challenge to the government’s plans for reform but it may also provide an opportunity for original thinking.

To truly better the position of the recently out of work, long-term unemployed and the working poor, the government must be bold, creative and unafraid to pair need with need. Training and education grants should be offered to the unemployed or those in low paid jobs with limited opportunity for mobility so they can study in areas with high demand. The challenge of

increasing childcare provision could be met by providing jobs to local parents in wrap around school and community programmes. Where individuals struggle to find paid employment the government should offer a living income to those who volunteer with charities and community services, provided they meet a minimum hours requirement.

Those who are the principle carers of young children or dependent adults should able to care for their loved ones and remain above the poverty line.

Our welfare system should be more than a safety net against the immensely rewarding but at times deeply unforgiving tide of the free market. It should be dynamic means of meeting changing need. The welfare state, encompassing social security, free education and universal healthcare to name just a few of the vital services it provides, represents the coming together of entire nation

to reduce inequalities it deems intolerable and widen opportunity to all. It is imperfect, sometimes insufficient but remains a remarkable achievement and a resolute two-way contract between government and people. The current challenge to this contract is to not only provide security but flexibility and to create new opportunity.

However the government chooses to reform welfare it should remember and respect this two-way contract. It should keep in mind that the people on the other side of the contract are more than purely economic individuals and shouldn’t rely on purely financial incentives. Yes, we have an obligation to work but equally we have a right to some ambition, to one day do a job we enjoy. If the government is wise it will see this ambition not as unaffordable luxury or an obstacle to reform but as the nation’s greatest asset.

Punxsutawney Phil

cene: three weeks to Christmas S and all over the free world the iconic red Starbucks cup is in the

hands of anyone who is anyone – or just anyone who has $3.50. Children in classrooms are writing Christmas cards and sending them off to loving grandparents and parents are running about Princes Street trying to find the perfect toy for their perfect little child. Mulled wine and hot chocolate are being dispensed at every party and gathering, and every invitation to a flat party or dinner event involves the words “festive” and “winter”.

More than that is the atmosphere, there really is joy all around as the radio and MTV play nonstop holiday hits and there is a buzz on the Princes Street Gardens as the people get suckered into buying overpriced novelty goods in the German Market. In the eyes of the general population is the holiday spirit – and I don’t mean the liquid kind – as the sweet promise of a winter vacation is fast approaching.

The weather is the last thing on any ones mind; yes we appreciate that it is indeed winter and that there may very well be ice on the ground and that Jack Frost will certainly be nipping at your nose, but why complain when we are all so boozed up on the festive frivolities?

“

In America the famed groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, came out of his burrow and saw his shadow portending another six weeks of winter.”

Cut to February 2009, everything that seemed new and shiny last year has somehow lost it’s glimmer; President Obama has been sworn in and the Chinese New Year has passed taking with it all the delectable edible goods it came with.

Yes all the joys of the winter have abandoned us, as presents have been unwrapped, tans have faded and the last of the money Granny gave us for Christmas is staring to run dry.

Just when I thought it could get no colder or more miserable, the ‘Winter Blues’ reached a whole new level of depression last week when the UK experienced its heaviest snowfall in almost 18 years. Meanwhile in America the famed groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, came out of his burrow and saw his shadow portending another six more weeks of winter in the states.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the snow and the pitter-patter of sleet on my window, but there does come a point around this time of the year where I have to moan… is it springtime yet?

Harriet Brisley

Wanja Ochwada

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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12 Editorial

Hurrah for Obama, bitches!

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A quick history...

The Student was launched by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson in 1887, as an independent voice for Edinburgh's literati. It is Britain's oldest university newspaper and is an independent publication, distributing 6,000 copies free to the University of Edinburgh.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lord Kitchener, David Lloyd, George and Winston Churchill are a few of the famous people who have been associated with the paper. In the 1970s, Gordon Brown was the editor in chief, working alongside Robin Cook who at the time was in charge of film and concert reviews.

Disclaimer

The Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors, however, reserve the right to edit or modify letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith The Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole.

Editors Ed Ballard/Lyle Brennan News Neil Pooran/James Ellingworth SeniorNewsWriters Guy Rughani/Anna MacSwan/ Anne Miller Comment Mairi Gordon/Zeenath Ul Islam Features Jonathan Holmes/Rosie Nolan/Lee Bunce/Catherine McGloin Art&Theatre Emma Murray/Hannah Ramsey/Rachel Williams Music Andrew Chadwick/Jonny Stockford Film Tom MacDonald/Sam Karasik TV Fern Brady/Susan Robinson Tech Alan Williamson/Craig Wilson Lifestyle Kimberlee Mclaughlan/Maddie Walder Sport Martin Domin/Misa Klimes Copy Editing Eleanor McKeegan Design Arvind Thillaisundaram Illustrations Harriet Brisley/ Henry Birkbeck/Zeenath Ul Islam Photography Calumn Toogood/Julia Sanches Website Jack Schofield President Liz Rawlings Secretary Rachel Hunt Treasurer Madeleine Rijnja

Advertising Tony Foster  0131 650 9189  Student Newspaper 60 Pleasance Edinburgh EH8 9TJ  editors@studentnewspaper.org Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Tel: 0131 650 9189. The Student lists links to third party websites, but does not endorse them or guarantee their authenticity or accuracy. © Student Newspaper Society. All rights reserved. No section in whole or part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. The Student is published by the Student Newspaper Society, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Distributed by Lothian Couriers, 3 John Muir Place, Dunbar EH42 1GD. Tel: 01368 860115. Printed by Cumbrian Newsprint (part of the CN Group), Carlisle Print Centre, Newspaper House, Dalston Road, Cumbria CA2 5UA, on Tuesday January 27 2009. Tel: 01228 612600. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

he Student's office is a fairly dingy T place. Every week we have to shoo away the rodents and tramps that have

been nesting among the mouldering stacks of old issues. Other frequent vistors include health and safety officials, who bring trainees round to our office to see an example of how not to do things.

So we're always pleased when something unexpected happens to brighten things up in the absence of natural light (we live in a dungeon).

Recently cheering us up has been the snow, which is fun to play in, it turns out. Also the choir which practises in the Pentland Room of the Pleasance on Sunday evening. (Are you that choir? If you are, thanks.)

But especially uplifting this week was something we found online: extracts from Barack Obama's book, Dreams from my Father, read by none other than the leader of the free world himself.

Much has been written about Obama's undoubted gifts, both as a writer and as a public speaker (although the tedious phrase "his soaring oratory" has thankfully been taking a break since his inauguration).

But the focus has inevitably been on his serious side. That he sounds hilarious when using the word "bitch" has received scandalously little comment.

Just imagine his famously melodious tones, but instead of talking about how hopeful he is, and how everybody should pull together in these tough times, he's saying "You ain't my bitch, nigger! Buy your own damn fries!"

Really. Other choice quotations include the cheeky "Sure you can have my number baby." and the irate "There are white folks, then there are ignorant motherfuckers like you."

It's worth pointing out that

Obama wasn't the originator of these scandalous phrases: he was quoting his highschool friend Ray, apparently some kind of badass.

However, even if Obama's never uttered the word "bitch" except in reported speech, the fact that the President of the United States can actually say something like "You know that guy ain't shit. That motherfucker got nothin' on me."

- without losing his credibility, is surely a cause for celebration in these dark times.

Can you imagine Abraham Lincoln telling you that you ain't his bitch? Impossible. Or Richard Nixon offering you his number? Sleazy.

However, another quote does call to mind a newly-ex President, out of his depth and anxious to leave: "This shit is getting way too complicated".

cipally by the government, and its companion pieces, have been hailed by many papers and many people as masterpieces; the BBC quotes artist Lucien Freud as saying that they are “simply the most beautiful pictures in the world.” They are certainly a very important part of the NGS and we should be damn well pleased that (at least one of them) is here to stay.

Why, then, is the Student’s Representatives Council (SRC) proposing to undermine this triumph? Why do they jealously use this as an excuse to demand more money from the Scottish government? We already have an endowment of £216m; what do they suggest doing with an extra £17m? Further reducing the prices of their disgusting sandwiches? Why, when the government is spending billions to bale out greedy bankers, do they choose to make an issue of £17m? Whether or not the University gets all the funding it deserves is irrelevant. One would think that an academic institution and its students would be supportive of the government’s unpartisan decision to aid in the preservation of such an important artwork – of allowing it to remain in the public eye for all to appreciate. Especially since the NGS is such an important part of the University’s history of art courses, allowing tutorial groups access to the museum’s facilities every day.

Are we such Philistines? Are we so ungrateful? More likely (I hope!) we are being misrepresented on a frightful scale by those few we near-blindly elect to represent us.

An editor in last weeks paper also writes: “Surely.... a more contemporary acquisition would be a more sensible idea.” No, not “surely.”

While this editor is perhaps right in supposing “Warhol, Richter and Emin” have been more successful crowed-drawers in recent years than the Old Masters (although I’d very much like to see a reference, as I notice a great deal of people looking at the Titian’s each time I visit the

NGS), who is to say that this trend will last? Art is very much a matter of taste and tastes do change and do differ from one person to another.

It is clear that this editor is partial to contemporary art. That’s fine, but I don’t think he has any right to suggest with such assurance (I don’t like his use of the word “surely”) that his stunted opinion can override the actions of a government elected to represent not just students, but the country at large.

Hear it at http://tinyurl.com/cvrbap

Your Letters RECTOR TROUBLE? Dear Student, After reading the "Ready Steady Rector" article I wandered why George Foulkes was actaully running in the first place? His voting record consists of voting against the graduate endowment and supporting top up fees. Scrapping the graduate endowment scheme saved Scottish students at universities £2,289 and was welcomed by numerous student bodies. In the article he states that it "did nothing to alleviate student hardship."

This is simply just not the case, by scrapping the graduate endowment students do not have to worry about adding over £2000 to their student debt which in alot of cases is over £10000 already.

In Mr. Foulkes's message to students he described the "pressing danger" about young people not being able to go to university due to the frightening prospect of acquiring thousands of pounds of debt.

Yet, he is not against top up fees, in fact he actually supports them.

Instead of supporting students and making it easier for young people to go to univeirsty he has suported such policies like top up fees which actually place a massive strain upon students. Mr Foulkes voting stance on student issues places him directly against those of the majority of students. It is unfair for students to be saddled with thousands of pounds worth of debt, however it seems Mr. Foulkes doesnt agree.

Matthew Lawson President, Edinburgh University Scottish Nationalists Association

PHILISTINES! Dear Student, Diana and Actaeon, the Titian painting bought last week, prin-

"Eliot Vivante"

DOUBLE STANDARDS Dear Student, I'm intrigued by the double standards of Iain MacWhirter.

Firstly, he says he's independent of party politics, only to boast of the backing he's received from the Tories and SNP in this race Secondly, he claims to hate gesture politics in his campaign video but then talks about ID Cards, the Iraq War and Palestine - as if his election to the post of rector would save the world.

Reluctantly I find myself contemplating voting for George Foulkes. I'd rather have a rector that represents something over one who simply pours out column inches in protest.

Richard Han University of Edinburgh Postgrad

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday February 10 2009

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Darwin's Darker Days Robert Shepherd wo hundred years ago this ThursT day, Edinburgh University’s most famous dropout was born.

Charles Darwin’s fame and influence are so great that almost every place he ever visited makes some claim to his achievements, and on the surface Edinburgh would seem to have less of a case than many. Darwin’s career as a scientist and naturalist was in the undreamt-of future when he came here at sixteen, and his two years spent studying Medicine were tedious and academically frustrating. A cynic might even say that all Edinburgh did for Darwin was to dissuade him from becoming a doctor.

Medicine was not a good fit for the young Charles. While he had been encouraged to train as a doctor from an early age, in practice he found the lectures dull and the clinical work distressing. Medicine of the time was an extremely gruesome affair, and Darwin claimed that memories of botched procedures performed without anaesthetic haunted him long after he had given up study in the field.

Coming as he did from an extremely privileged background, Darwin never felt compelled to join the medical profession for financial reasons. Events had led him to believe his familial wealth would always allow him to live in relative comfort, and as a result his mind drifted onto other matters.

As whatever interest Darwin had

for medicine faded, however, his passion for natural history bloomed. In his second year he became acquainted with many scholars who shared his interest, accompanying them to tidal pools where he would collect animals. As a result of these trips he made two minor zoological discoveries, which he wrote up and presented to the Plinian Society, a group of students who met to read and discuss scientific papers.

In terms of formal education, however, he still found the subject dull, and by his own admission he learned very little from his lectures in zoology and geology. Again, their positive effects emerged in unusual ways, with the opportunity to make the acquaintance of the curator of the university museum proving far more influential to Darwin than anything he heard from a lecturer.

Yet Darwin was perhaps still influenced by scholars during his time here. Evolutionary ideas were

in the air, although in very different forms to today. Indeed, Charles’s own grandfather Erasmus had offered some of the earliest speculation regarding evolution, observing that living things adapted to their environment over time and proposing that all warmblooded animals may have arisen from a single ancestor. Darwin had read this body of work as a younger man, and his learned acquaintance Doctor Robert Grant later talked persuasively of further evolutionary ideas to him.

Darwin would come to regard these experiences as important factors in his coming to understand the natural world as something that changed over time.

But many factors influence the formation of any thinker's ideas, it

would be going too far to suggest that his time at Edinburgh was ultimately responsible for his theories of natural selection. But it seems reasonable to argue that the city fuelled his incipient interest in natural history, and perhaps even in evolution: indulging him in a passion that would continue throughout his life and ultimately guide him towards his revolutionary discoveries.

Darwin's story is an oddly uplifting one for the modern student. Forced into two different occupations, first medicine then the priesthood, the sport-loving Charles was regarded as something of a layabout by his father, who worried he would never amount to anything. Yet through

his passion and devotion to his interests he embarked on a trail that lead him to one of the most important and influential ideas there has ever been.

That trail began here in Edinburgh.

In an age where vocational ability is increasingly prized, it’s easy to feel that following a passion instead of what's practical is a recipe for disaster.

Darwin's story serves as a reminder that some of the our university's greatest success stories linked began with academic failure, and bone idleness.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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features@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Features

One man and his (murde

Natascha Deininger charts the history of a masterpiece A

t its most basic, Diana and Actaeon depicts the moment in which the hunter Actaeon discovers the secret bathing place of Diana, goddess of the moon and hunt. This dramatic intrusion is fatal for the poor Actaeon as Diana’s wrath drives her to transform the young man into a deer. The hunter becomes the hunted and is torn to pieces by his dogs. However, the painting has had a greater impact than its (admitedly gory) story would suggest.

Titian indulges the onlooker with flesh, mythology and a sense of impending doom. The piece is one of several canvasses inspired by the Roman poet Ovid and was painted for Phillip II of Spain in 1559. It was perhaps a peculiar choice for a king who was otherwise known for his staunch Catholicism, and the painting was apparently veiled in the queen’s presence.

Since then it has had a turbulent history. In 1704 it was given to the French ambassador and passed into the hands of the regent of France during the time of Louis XV. Unlike some of its previous owners, it even survived the French Revolution having been sold by the Duke of Orleans to a foreign dealer two years before he was guillotined. The painting, along with a collection of pieces from the Italian Renaissance, was taken to London.

There, in 1798, it was purchased by one Frances Egerton: Duke of Bridgewater, coal-capitalist and in possession of a friend with a fine nose for esteemed art, Earl Gower, to whom he bequeathed the paintings upon his death. Gower, ancestor to the Duke of Sutherland (its most recent private owner). Gower put the paintings on public display in London, and there they remained until their evacuation to Scotland in 1939. The entire Egerton/Gower/

Duke of Sutherland/Bridgewater collection has been on loan to the National Gallery in Edinburgh since 1945.

However, the painting has not merely travelled through history passively. The piece itself is a source of discussion, and the meanings attributed to it at various points are indicative of the underlying cultural currents of time and society. The painting can be said to represent the renaissance of classical culture, what with its Ovidian theme.

Or, if one opts for a cynical, faintly smutty perspective, Titian chose his theme because he wanted to paint naked women in an age were the only acceptable form of nudity came draped in brush strokes and togas.

Perhaps, even, the painting is a commentary on voyeurism, and one steeped in irony at that, as the viewer commits the same crime as the mortal Actaeon without being transformed into a deer. The Pinakothek in Duesseldorf recently used this theme as the centre piece to an exhibit on art and eroticism.

Interpretations are innumerable, and will not stop evolving with our culture. Indeed, this reinterpreting is happening right now, across the pages of our newspapers. Our time has bought Titian off the hands of old-money and nationalized it in the midst of a recession. Our time has re-enacted Titian’s masterpiece in today's iconography: once for The Sun, where Page 3 girls happily take on the role of the nymphs and Diana, and once for The Mirror, who called upon Sex and the City gal Kim Catrall to pose as the great Goddess. Notably, everyone has gotten skinnier.

The painting is also at the root of a political controversy, namely whether in a time of recession the government should spend money on

a piece of art that strikers in Lincolnshire don't give a toss about.

The Scottish government has provided £12.5 million, while the rest of the money was raised from a plethora of sources. The central question to the controversy is how much £50 million actually is.

Aidan Weston-Lewis, headcurator at the National Gallery of Scotland declared Titian’s work to be the most exciting thing to hit the market in over a century, reasoning: “At a public auction this could get…well, how long is a piece of string?” Indeed, the Duke of Sutherland may be more ‘generous’ than the daunting sum of £50 million indicates, considering he may have fetched double the sum elsewhere.

However, more important is how this sum was raised. An entire generation of artists, from Lucien Freud to Tracey Emin and Damien Hirst, came out in support of keeping Diana and Actaeon on display for the public, and the art-loving public themselves donated 7.4 million. The rest came from foundations, trusts and other NGO’s, in addition to the government donation. Weston-Lewis commented: “This has been a collaborative effort on all levels,” and it is clear that securing Diana and Actaeon has not been as elitist a process as many have let on.

Diana and Actaeon's journey has been a long one. From royal bedrooms to Blitz-threatened London, from classical myth to voyeuristic erotica, from irresponsible expense to intellectual rallying-point, Titian's masterpiece has torn across and history like Actaeon chased by his dogs. And, for the time being at least, it resides on the walls of the National Gallery, free for all to see.

Titian’s picture is full of coded images and sym audience (a reminder that death is always han after Diana turns him into a stag.Diana hers her status as goddess of the moon, while her f fate, with a sprinkle of water triggering his characters, and is sea Finally, the dog yapping is yet another signa practice of usin

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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Magazine: Features

Magazine: Features 15

erous) dogs

mbols. The stag skull on top of the pillar serves as both a memento mori to the nging over us) and a reference to how Actaeon dies: torn apart by his own dogs self is draped in imagery, if not clothing. The moon in her hair is a reminder of foot paddling in the water is both intimate and another reference to Actaeon’s s transformation. Somehow. Also, Diana is physically larger than the other ated stage left: the traditional entrypoint for villains. nal of the upcoming goriness, and the black nymph is a sly admission of the ng courtesans (high class prostitues) as models.

Susan Robinson

T

he controversy over the recent purchase of Titian's Diana and Actaeon focussed on whether or not government money should be spent on such an expensive work of art. The contribution made by nongovernmental sources has been overlooked. But over five million pounds were raised by the public, principally coming from corporate donors, but also from small-scale fundraising.

One such small project is on show at the Edinburgh College of Art, where 2nd year students have reinterpreted the painting in order to raise awareness and money for the Bridgewater Collection.

Their Titian reproduction (pictured above) is the work of 52 students at ECA: a composite of 56 separate scaled-up pieces, it is three times larger than the original painting. This awesome sight has been on show since the for the past week at the College, and John Leighton, Director General of the National Galleries of Scotland expressed his enthusiasm for the project, saying: “This is an excellent student initiative, and a welcome expression of support for our campaign. It’s a wonderful example of the role a major masterpiece can play in inspiring art students today.”

The influence of Titian and the Old Masters upon art students cannot be underestimated. Rachael Cloughton, a participant in the project and one of the exhibition’s organisers explains: “The legacy of the Old Masters is unavoidable, it is through their revolutionary efforts that art has reached the stage it is at today and we are indebted to them. There is a timeless element to Old Master paintings. For example, Titian’s fantastic painterly style, attention to texture, light, composition and colour will always serve as a source of inspiration. A fact which we are trying to demonstrate in the composite.”

Hannah Knights, the ECA student who painted the woman at the centre of this controversy, Diana, describes her personal response to the painting: “I’m sure if you have seen the painting in the flesh, you will have been dumbstruck by the drama and unfolding action; it is an experience which leaves an impression. I don’t know if there are that many paintings which could claim to leave such a mark on one’s memory.”

Knights suggests the public perhaps inherently realises the long-term value of keeping the painting: “The incredible fundraising response from the public suggests that many of them have been similarly affected. The nation is in constant flux, whereas 450 years after Titian painted Diana and Actaeon, it is still hailed as a masterpiece.”

Artworks such as Diana and Actaeon are essential to safeguarding Scotland’s cultural status but also in continuing to draw future artistic talent into the country. If anything proves this it is the overwhelming impact of the image produced by these ECA students. As Knights attests, “celebrating Titian in this way makes us proud.”

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

lifestyle@studentnewspaper.org

16 Magazine: Life & Style lONELY hEARTs valentine special F, 27. Homely brunette seeks kindly gentleman for old-fashioned tittle tattle.

Nothing too heavy, courting before 6pm only, must be keen on hand holding. Bring your own lube.

Ready, steady, gag 'Shag me I'm green': Ruth Hamilton bemoans the traffic lights party.

M, 52. Bitter vineyard owner, tired of fruitless endeavours, seeks corker of a lass for mindless intoxication on Lidl’s own brand.

M, 29. I’m just a love machine. Fulfil your fantasy. I’m just a love machine. Yeh. If you want a piece of me, I drive the 24 bus.

M, 76. Young at heart taxidermist, a little on the stiff side, looking for sprightly young thing in need of a good stuffing.

M, 58. Incredibly ugly yet fairly interesting and obscenely rich bachelor seeks lonesome female in desperate need of the love she never received as a child/girlfriend/spouse. I will be your daddy.

F, 24. Just because I am writing in the lonely hearts column does not mean I am needy, obsessive or desperate. I am definitely not needy, obsessive or desperate. I must stress that my last boyfriend did not dump me because I am needy, obsessive or desperate. He just got sick - sick in the head, and now he’s not around any more.

But that’s enough about that fucking bastard. If you like me, call me now. Not tomorrow, not this evening, not in 30 minutes. Now. And tell me you'll love me forever. Tell me you love me if you want me to live. I know that you love me. You love me.

F, 41. Upright lollipop lady looking for traffic stopping stunner for lickedy sweet fun and maybe a bit of stick.

M, 31. Are you Christina Aguilera?

I’m dirty. Dirrrrty. (Not Christina Aguilera? Do not reply.)

the break up letter...

Dear John, It’s not me, it’s you. I can’t stand the way you lick the cheese to stop me eating your crusty leftovers. I don’t even like cheddar.

Why can’t you just buy Boursin? That sweet garlicky aftertaste gives me greater satisfaction than you ever did. I am fed up of my role as masturbation replacement. Sex with you is duller than Sudoku. And don't call it ‘sinking the pinkie’.

I don’t want you to sink your pinkie ever again and neither will anyone else. Moving on, I will no longer pretend to ignore your repulsive obsession with plug-hole gunk. It is not a scientific process,a route to mind-blowing discovery or a quirky pastime. You’re just sick. What’s more, I hate your friends. Wait, my mistake, I hate your friend. Tell Tim ‘bye bye’ from me. And yeah, I know we’ve had some good times, like the day when we frolicked naked in pilled up euphoria across the green meadows of love but that was before I crawled out of the hole of depressive and desperate-for-affection self pity…or it could have just been the drugs.

I won’t give you another chance, even if you take me to Pizza Hut like last time.

Stuffed crust won’t make it better any more.

Don't call. Ever.

Your (as of now) ex girlfriend.

PS. I met someone else. It’s your Dad. No hard feelings, eh?

Maddie Walder

A

s Valentines Day looms ever closer my mind is drawn back to the excitement of last year, when one popular Edinburgh club decided to host its very own ‘Valentine’s Day Traffic Lights’ extravaganza, calling for partygoers to colour co-ordinate their outfits according to their relationship status.

Those unlucky enough to be single on this magical night were asked to advertise it in green, as a big ‘goahead, I’m desperate’ to the world.

Loved-up visitors further increased the fun, spending the most romantic night of the year cruelly separated from the object of their affections by dressing in ‘don’t even think about it’ red attire, thus not even ensuring an admiring glance from a member of the opposite sex. The only colour it was safe to wear, treading the line between ‘ignore me’ and ‘take me, I’m yours’ was, it seemed, orange, the most universally unflattering colour ever. This got me thinking about the

various benefits of the ‘themed’ night, loyally attended by university students everywhere, and all in the name of good banter.

Kicking the academic year off is the old favourite, the ‘Skool Disco', a theme which lets everyone to revel in unabashed cheesiness under the pretence of being retro. Outfit-wise, girls don their Britney Spears finest whilst boys can just whack on a tie (although some will always think it is the height of comic genius to dress as a woman, and rock up in a pleated mini and eye shadow). This night gathers students from all over the country to bond as they reminisce over their long-lost love of the Backstreet Boys or S Club, while pushing to the backs of their minds the niggling feeling that going out on the town dressed as a little child is all just a bit creepy.

Upping the credibility factor as the year moves on is the Neon Party.

For the lazy or broke, a pack of glow sticks will transform any outfit, and for the more enthusiastic, a trip to Claire’s Accessories can provide enough tights, leg warmers and plastic jewellery in hideously lurid shades to cheer up even the dreariest Scottish evening. The Neon Party also manages to trick the less adventurous of us into feeling like we are at some sort of rave, regardless of whether or not

our getting-ready routine involved an afternoon nap and two cups of coffee in front of Ready Steady Cook.

Finally, the arrival of summer brings with it the re-appearance of the Foam Party. For those who have not yet experienced this delight, the name should conjure up images of a giant bubble bath. In reality, visitors are smothered in enough thick, smelly foam to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool.

Best case scenario: you lose all items of clothing which were not tightly secured on, you get horribly stilettoed and groped by various people taking advantage of the total lack of visibility and resurface, grabbing tightly to someone who turns out not to be your friend, but a total randomer. Worst case scenario: you drown.

So there you have it, from the dizzying heights of a night spent regaling your youth or tentatively ‘moshing’ amidst a sea of glow bands to the horrors of cross-dressing and, let’s not forget, those mortifying next-day photographs, there’s no denying that the themed party is an integral part of any university experience. But whatever you do, please try and pick a more appropriate way to spend your Valentine’s night.

Escape from the city

Laura Peebles expands her horizons and takes a Scottish road trip.

S

ometimes it is nice to get away. We students can get so caught up in our little bubble that the city becomes claustrophobic. When this happens, the only thing you can do is to escape for a day. Having a small break from the routine makes all the difference. You can jump back into the throes of your everyday life feeling all happy and new and refreshed.

So, what should you do with your day of proposed escape? Well there are plenty of options. For those of you who are missing the presence of a Primark in these tight times, you could jump on the train and take a trip to Dunfermline - the fare is not expensive, a cheap day return is worth the money at only £5.30.

Have a wander round a town you are probably unfamiliar with, make a few cheap Primark purchases, maybe take a peek elsewhere, and voila, a cheap but fun day out of the city.

If this doesn’t tickle your fancy then why not take a road trip? Take a car-full of friends, pack a picnic, and head out on the road for somewhere different.

There are a number of places you could go, but a particularly good destination is St Andrews. The journey won’t take too long, an hour and half at the very most, and it is the perfect little place for a day trip.

The town may be small but you will find plenty there to fill your time. There is a beautiful stretch of beach where you can go for a stroll. Take your picnic with

you, get blown away, build sandcastles, have photo-shoots, or (if you are brave enough) go for a dip in the sea. Or, just go for a walk around the town; there are lots of interesting, historic buildings to admire. The main streets are also filled with plenty to look at, lined, as they are, with a number of little shops, tea-rooms, restaurants and old men pubs – just take your pick. There is also the wonderful, old fashioned filmhouse to visit, which makes for a vintage cinema experience.

If it is a trip to the beach you want,

but you don’t want to go as far as St Andrews then there is always Gullane beach, only half an hour out of the city.

The First Bus service, number 124, runs regularly from Edinburgh. It too is a lovely beach, with a little village nearby for further exploration.

Otherwise, another wonderful way to spend your day out would be to visit Rosslyn Chapel, just outside Edinburgh.

Again, it would not be expensive, admission for students being only £6 and you don’t have to pay extra for the guided

tour. Steeped in history and known as a place of mystery after The Da Vinci Code was published, Rosslyn Chapel is truly remarkable. The Chapel’s famous carvings are also worth just going to see: the pagan carvings, musical cubes and Christian carvings really are fascinating. It would make for a beautiful and cultural day out.

Now that you have some ideas, all you need to do is to decide which of these wonderful places you would like to visit.

© 2009 Accenture.

All rights reserved.

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part of the Accenture a-list mean? It means being part of a company which heralds the most talented people in the industry. It means working on up-there projects with prestigious, big name clients, whilst receiving top rewards and firstclass training.

Being on the a-list is all in a day’s work for our high performers.

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You’ll find there’s more to LIFE at KPMG. Quite simply, things are bigger here. There’s more of everything; more development, more ambition, more international opportunities and a lot more work/life balance too.

So, whatever you want from LIFE, visit www.kpmg.co.uk/careers and find out when we’re visiting your campus.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

culture@studentnewspaper.org

18 Magazine: Culture

Film The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Directed by David Fincher



avid Fincher's films have always D been impressive. They've also been cold, dark and unflinching; clinical in

their execution. He's primarily interested in serial killers, death, emptiness and such other unsavoury subjects, and delivers his films with a dexterity and skill matched by few others in Hollywood. So to see him make something approaching a backwards Forrest Gump (whose writer Eric Roth, also penned this film) is a marked departure from what we have come to expect.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button left me impressed, but upon further inspection it was clear that I'd spent the preceding three hours marvelling at pretty pictures, not feeling deeply for the characters they depicted, and here lies the problem with Benjamin Button: he's just not particularly interesting. He is, as the title suggests, a curio, for his skewed aging process, but interesting? No. He spends much of the film blank-faced, looking on at, or being guided by, other characters.

Apart from endure endless layers of prosthetics, Brad Pitt really has little to do, though evidently that's what the big guys at the Academy mistake for refinement.

Starting life as one ugly baby, Benjamin is taken into the care of kindly Queenie, who runs a retirement home; she raises him as her own and he grows up looking just like the surrounding pensioners. As he becomes more physically able, he travels the world, working on a tugboat, joining the troops of WWII, but is always drawn back by Daisy, his long lost

love, played well by Cate Blanchett.

As a technical feat, this film is remarkable. No trace of rubbery CGI can be detected, actors playing the younger Benjamin with Brad Pitt's face, aged with prosthetics, digitally transposed onto them. The set pieces are also deftly conducted, particularly a scene where Benjamin's tugboat meets a Nazi U-Boat, and when, from his yacht he witnesses the launch of Apollo 11. These are the film's most memorable scenes, and aside from a

few other visual distractions the rest is recycled Hollywood refuse from every big, glossy, Oscar-baiting, dewy-eyed epic of the last 20 years, with the aforementioned Gump being the chief source of sob-fodder.

Thing is, the tears never even get close; the film doesn't ever deliver the most obvious emotional punches.

This isn't a criticism, and would be a trait to be admired if these were replaced by something more subtle and authentic than swelling strings and AThe Good, THe Bad, and the weird

Directed by Ji-Woon Kim



He's Just Not THat Into You

Directed by Ken Kwapis

 he star-studded He's Just Not That T Into You (Ben Affleck, Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johannson, Drew

Barrymore…) follows the intertwining lives of five women and the men they encounter whilst living together in Baltimore.

An attempt at a bittersweet comedy, the film posits itself as an examination of the consequences of women misreading the 'signs' from the opposite sex, and of the abuses of trust in a relationship.

With a plot far too convoluted to summarise here, the film struggles to engage after the first fifteen minutes, in which everything the film wishes to say relationship-wise is said. The cast try their best but the script leaves the

characters poorly-formed and unsympathetic, a tough crowd to spend two hours and nine minutes with. Bloated and overlong, the film fails due to a cretinous script which has various couples 'bumping into' each other around New York, failing to commit etc etc etc.

The film is based on a best-selling self-help guide of 2007, its sales boosted massively after it was mentioned in an episode of Sex and The City, and proposes such profound and enduring questions as 'Is he sleeping with you?', 'Is she sleeping with him?', 'Does anybody care?'

The only possible saving grace is that a few of these unsympathetic, hapless characters are denied happy endings, allowing the film to end on a sour note: a firm reminder of the fragility of love, and the script. Close to unendurable, He's Just Not That Into You is to be avoided like the plague.

Claire Cameron

Spawned from the imagination of South Korean director Ji-woon Kim, The Good, the Bad, the Weird has all the fire and electricity that one would expect after watching any of his earlier gangster films. His latest film, his take on the Western, approaches perfection.

As the name suggests, the plot is an obvious twist on the Sergio Leone classic The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

Yoon Tae-goo (the Weird) robs a train and steals a suspicious map from a Japanese banker. On his tail is hitman Park Chang-i, a psychopathic narcissistic auteur of death with a serious inferiority complex. Following the Bad

listers with quivering lips, but it isn't, and a film that so clearly thinks it's dealing with 'the big subjects', death, love and the unstoppable passage of time, cannot possibly work without something to engage the audience emotionally. The narrative device of the dying parent recounting the story to their children from a hospital bed, the protagonist's involvement in major historical events of the 20th century, the unattainable childhood love finally gained after many years,

it's all been done so many times.

What works is Fincher's visual flair: the hummingbird in the middle of the ocean, the rocket launch, the scene that demonstrates how a car accident may easily have been avoided with any one tiny change of events, these are the images that remain long after the central characters have been forgotten.

and occasionally helping the Weird is Park Do-won (the Good) a bounty hunter pursuing the legend of the Bad. The ensuing story becomes more convoluted (and amusing) by the minute, and culminates with a glorious scene of incredulity where the Good, the Bad (unexpectedly joined by a group of medieval warriors and an entire battalion of the Japanese army) pursue the Weird across a desert plain, with hilarious results.

Shot in a style reminiscent of the Mel Brooks classic Blazing Saddles, and Tarantino's Kill Bill; Volume 1, the film provides a mixed bag in the entertainment stakes that ultimately works very well.

Although the slapstick comedy fails to amuse occasionally, this can be expected. After all it is only the best of comedies that manages to keep a consistent joke rate throughout. This can also be said of the action: although

most scenes are technically excellent there are a few that fail to amuse (this balance is completely rectified with a gruesome but darkly funny anal death halfway through however).

The cast are also excellent with Song Kang-ho shining in particular as the Weird Yoon Tae-goo, mixing excellent moments of Chan-esque buffoonery with a surprisingly serious turn towards the end. Enjoyable throughout, however, is the dialogue, with frequently impressive turns of phrase and a number of witty moments. The film's energy is matched only by its relentless wit and passion for the source material.

In short, this reviewer orders that you, the readers, march to the cinema to see this gem shine. It would be a crime not to.

Andrew Chadwick

Sean Cameron

Love your popcorn? film@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 19 Doubt

Directed by John Patrick Shanley

 uns fall. It's the habit'. This is a "N film about a somewhat anachronistic profession characterised by

routine, uniformity and certainty, a profession lauded by some quarters of society as representing ultimate dedication to the highest good. However, the 'inner-sect' mentality and pervasive secrecy of the occupation comes with its fair share of baggage: when one's calling is built entirely on a belief in deterministic theology and a strict way of life, anything which challenges this calling is extremely destabilising; dedication to crumbling absolutes can only lead to ineffable losses.

Doubt deals with a familiar issue: allegations of child abuse at a Catholic school, but this takes a backseat to the battle between the supposed abuser Father Flynn (a superbly controlled performance from Phillip Seymour Hoffmann) and his accuser, Sister Aloysius (Meryl Streep, characteristically brilliant). Sister Aloysius believes, above all else, in her own certainty and stubborn grasp of the truth, and woe betide anyone who

might challenge that.

However, being set in the Catholic Church of the 1960s, this is a war of reticent subtext; no one is ever explicitly accused and no-one even mentions the word 'sex', although it washes over every scene. This subtle rendering of Catholic shame skillfully leads the audience, like Sister Aloysius, to inspect every frame for any symbolism or double-meaning: quite an extraordinary effect to achieve in a film centred around suspicion and its suffocating effect on those subject to its pedantic glare.

Streep, of course, invented this sort of puritanical, terrifying schoolmarm role. She reads immorality and evil into the acceptance of sugar in one's tea, and often conveys all the audience need ever know with little more than a raised eyebrow. Her performance is a masterpiece of detail, with a mask of iron self-control hinting at a mysterious, conflicting, inner life.

Perhaps the very last line of the film, seemingly at odds with the character Streep has built up, is misjudged, but the performance is such that it fails to dilute or detract from the essential message of the piece as it might have done if spoken by any other actress.

Hoffmann also is excellent, once again proving himself more than

You've Got Bale

simply a scene-stealing second-incommand.

The confrontation between Streep and the mother of the supposed abuse victim (played by the Oscar-nominated Viola Davis) is a scene to be instantly submitted for inclusion in the filmic canon, and epitomises everything that the film does so well.

Complex, dynamic characters interacting with a burning tension mean that on such occasions the film really soars.

It is so rare in contemporary cinema for actors to be given the space and time to really act. This film is far from flashy and undeniably a throwback to slower moving pre-fifties pictures, when 'talky' meant talky. Not for the Michael Bay contingent then, but charmingly so.

Sophie Ignatieff

Bruce Campbell, greatest man alive.

Jutta Sarhimaa sits in on an audience with the king of B-Movies thers might mistake him for O 'that guy who makes soup', but to countless fans and movie geeks,

Bruce Campbell is a living legend.

Whether it's as the douchebag zombie-killer Ash from Evil Dead or as a pensioner-Elvis fighting soul-devouring mummies in Bubba Ho-Tep, he is a demi-God of B-horror, with, incidentally, the most well-defined jaw bone in popular entertainment.

Thursday night. Cameo Picturehouse in Edinburgh is completely packed as devotees seek a rare chance to see The Chin's latest film My Name Is Bruce, as well as to chat with the man himself. The first of two screenings sold out in just 13 minutes; news which the wide-grinning Campbell takes on with a familiar confidence ('What took so long?'). He assures he isn't paid for the gigs ('I'm having a ball; I'm on vacation!') and somehow his sentiment is not hard to believe.

It was here in the UK that Campbell's career first took off almost 30 years ago when Evil Dead (1981), an indie horror film penned and directed by his high-school friend Sam Raimi, topped the English video charts (remember those?) and secured the film's US release. The consummate bloodfest sees a group of teenagers stranded at a forest cabin accidentally evoke evil spirits which possess them one by one.

At the outset Campbell's Ashley J. Williams hardly stands out from the horny crowd but as the ludicrous plot, involving rapist trees, reaches its conclusion, Ash becomes the soul survivor and an antihero is born.

Raimi and Campbell continued the story with two sequels: Evil Dead II (1987) memorably features a more 'camp' Ash cutting off his own demonpossessed hand and replacing it with a chainsaw while in Army of Darkness (1992) Ash fights the supernatural evil

in medieval Britain. Raimi has since switched to mainstream with the Spider Man-trilogy while Campbell has done everything from cameos in Coen Bros. films (Fargo, The Ladykillers) and TV shows (Burn Notice) to directing and writing autobiographies.

The atmosphere is intense as Campbell, 50, wearing eyeglasses and boasting a respectable beer-belly, plays ball with the crowd like a true professional. Topics change effortlessly from US elections ('Am I pleased? Who wouldn't be?'), to new 'torture porn' horror ('I can catch that on six o'clock news!'). Campbell also considered what he might be were he not an actor ('a park ranger with a funny hat') or how he embraced his Scottish descent by wearing a kilt ('free-style') and goofing around at the Castle grounds, all the time recognised by just one person.

Often playing jerks whose lifeblood is cheesy pick-up lines, he tests some

on the audience ('Let's go to the dark room and see what develops') and receives a cheering response. Twice he even slips a 5-pound note to überfans who offer particularly noteworthy (ha!) cheers, but after a male audience member suggests they have children together, Campbell sweet-talks him out of it. 'You're not really my type, haggis breath' he smirks.

Skip the actual film thanks to our Revolutionary Road comic strip!

“This new sprinkler is working out great! We’re living the American Dream! Let’s make out!”

“What the fuck is up with the lawn? What happened “Looks like the grass isn’t always to the sprinkler? Living in the suburbs is awful!” greener on the other side! Get it?”

FUCK! Get the fuck out of my office when I'm writing the news for The Student's Film section. Holy Fuck! Do you want me to come into your fucking library when you're doing your dissertation on ethnomusicology? I didn't fucking think so! Let's just fucking get on with it!

So Mickey Rourke is being attached to projects like a Power Point presentation to a fucking e-mail. Boom! Since his critically acclaimed performance in The Wrestler he's been linked to Iron Man 2, The Expendables (Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, and Rourke as a team of dictator-overthrowing mercenaries. Fuck!), and now indie drama St. Vincent, as an undercover hitman posing as a priest. Take it from me, Christian Bale, tough guy, Rourke is going to kick some cinematic ass this year. As long as he stays out of jail.

Speaking of jail, Ewan McGregor will be back at work, starring as 1980's Hollywood bank robber Eddie Dodson in the upcoming film The Electric Slide. Mr. Dodson ripped off 72 Los Angeles banks to impress his girlfriend. Sounds like my kind of woman, am I right?

Dodson eventually got nailed by the FBI on, get this, a fucking dancefloor. What a douche.

Moving on, Jason Bateman will be starring in drama Basted, as a perverted man who swaps his sperm with the man-juice his best friend, Jennifer Aniston, picked up from the sperm bank to artificially inseminate herself. Wait - it's supposed to be a fucking comedy? That is some fucked up shit. Bateman better check himself before I wreck himself, loser. By the way, do purchase American Psycho on DVD, where I play insane investment banker Patrick Bateman.

What? Did I just hear you say you wanted to know what's going on with romantic comedies these days? Get the fuck out of my face!

How about this heavy metal: Don Cheadle will be replacing Terrence Howard in Iron Man 2, because Howard's friend, actor/rapper Will Smith told him it was a bad move.

Howard was great in the first one, but Don Cheadle should fill his shoes just fine.

The loser editors of this section are making me put some gossip in this week. Dame Judi Dench avoids seeing films in the cinema because she suffers from claustrophobia. It's fucking horrible how the personal problems of us celebs are entertainment for you sad losers. Sorry Judi.

Taking this trash back up a notch, this week marked the opening of the Berlin Film Festival, the Berlinale, with Tom Twyker's film The International, about the power and corruption of international banks.

Clive Owen and Naomi Watts star, so it should be at least as good as Shoot 'Em Up and The Painted Veil put together.

That's it for this week. I'm Christian Bale, and don't fucking forget to see my new summer blockbuster Terminator: Salvation.

Christian Bale, with the Film Editors.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

20

music@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture

TOPICAL TUNES

MUSIC

Album of the Week LILY ALLEN It's Not You, It's Me PARLOPHONE

 1. ‘Blame it on the Weatherman’ (B*Witched) – Snow brings chaos to the UK, costing a potential 2 billion pounds.

2. ‘Jeremy Says’ (Citizen Jones) – Jeremy Clarkson calls Gordon Brown a ‘one-eyed Scottish idiot’.

3. ‘24’ (Emmy the Great) – In California a baby boy is born with two dozen digits: 6 fingers on each hand, 6 toes on each foot 4. ‘The Endlessness of Eight’ (Armin Van Buren) – A Californian singlemother gives birth to octuplets (what is it with California?).

5. ‘Hash Pipe’ (Weezer) – Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is suspended for three months after photos are published of him smoking cannabis from a bong.

6. ‘Just Don’t Give a F**k’ (Eminem) – Christian Bale’s swearing marathon (35 in under 4 minutes) is played unedited on BBC Breakfast News. The BBC is very sorry, again.

7. ‘No Milk Today’ (Herman’s Hermits) – Drug-dealing dairyman from Burnley is handed a suspended sentence, much to the annoyance of his elderly customers and their ‘aches and pains’.

8. 'Crazy Horses' (The Osmonds) – The chairman of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) says that there is not much difference between horse riding and taking ecstasy as he recommends that the drug be downgraded from class A to B.

ove her or L loathe her, Lily Allen is

nothing if not refreshingly open and honest. Her music reflects her personality in this sense; she never shies away from singing about the most intimate and personal subject matter. Musically, It's Not You, It's Me is more coherent than Alright, Still. The Ska, Reggae, and Calypso stylings have been replaced with more conventional pop production thanks to Greg Kurstin, who cowrote much of the album.

Lead single, 'The Fear' is indicative of the sound of the album as a whole: it's unashamedly mainstream, glossy electro-pop. Many singers would fall flat against such sleek productions, but Lily's playfulness finds itself perfectly matched by the music. Take 'Not Fair' for example, a sprightly countrified romp in which she sings about a past boyfriend's woeful performances in bed. The farm noises used to re-create the sound of premature ejaculation really are laugh out loud funny; it's hard to think of anyone else who could make a song this comic and tongue-in-cheek.

Certainly, Flight of the Conchords would turn green with envy after hearing this.

That's not to say that It's Not You is throwaway, or farcical, despite some ridiculous lyrics and shameless rip-offs of Take That's 'Shine' in the chorus to 'Who'd Have Known' and The Car-

penters' Close To Me on 'Fuck You'.

These acts of musical theft only add to the confidence of Allen's music.

There's also a newfound maturity to much of the material here. Take '22' as a case in point: a song about growing older and no longer being able to live a life of constant partying and one night stands. It could well be the best thing she's done to date. Lily's also able to tackle the subjects of celebrity and consumerism (The Fear), drugs (Everyone's At It) and God (Him) without professing to be an intellectual voice of reason. The secret to Allen’s success is that she knows her own limits and is doggedly determined to present her own real-life perspective in her own terms. You'd hate to be an ex-boyfriend of Lily Allen and meet her razor-sharp tongue. An annoyingly persistent pastlover gets the treatment here on 'Never Gonna Happen', a Polka pastiche.

Having recently spoken out against her record label, voicing her desire to be dropped, you would perhaps have expected there to have been a fair amount of creative intervention from Parlophone here, but none is apparent. Allen is unfiltered, sarky and unapologetic throughout. In fact she's more candid here than in interviews.

Her voice is conversational, warm and easy; and at no point does she seem out of her comfort zone.

The second half of It's Not You could have done with a bit of quality control musically, but Allen still turns up trumps lyrically. "Do you thing he'd bore us?"..."Do you think he's every taken smack or cocaine?" she sings on ‘Him’ with reference to God. His favourite band is Creedence Clearwater Revival, she tells us. Some may take offence, but they're missing the point

– Allen doesn't want to be taken seriously.

At all. And to prove this, 'Him' follows a song as mundane as you can get; one about being a bit knackered and ordering a Chinese takeaway.

There may not be anything as

distinctive as 'LDN' or 'Smile' on this follow up, but Allen has managed to create another great pop album, against the odds. 2/2 ain't half bad.

TOM JONES

one-just-had-sex-more song... that's the one I chose. Let's just press "create" now and see what comes out...

Give a Little (Single) VIRGIN RECORDS AMERICA

9. 'Stop' (The Spice Girls) – Manchester United player and Argentinian international Carlos Tevez has his £140,000 Bentley taken after the police find that he does not own a full UK driver's licence.



I

n the recording studio, somewhere in deepest, darkest Los Angeles...

10. ‘Oh No, Not You Again’ (The Rolling Stones) – Sex & The City stars sign up for a movie sequel.

Songwriter: Hi Tom. Tom Jones: What's new pussycat?

Songwriter: Ha ha. Just working on your next single.

TJ: Excellent. What's that you're looking at, some kind of computer device?

Songwriter: It's the new songwriting software, iRonson 2.0.

11. ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ (Rick Astley) – A South Korean woman fails her written driving test for the 771st time but vows not to abandon her dream.

12. ‘Insomnia’ (Faithless) – Newcastle United Manager Joe Kinnear insults Charles N’Zogbia by mistaking his surname for a sleeping condition.

A few days later, N’Zogbia left for Wigan.

[sound of funky drums, funky guitars and funky syncopated horns]

13. 'Dancing Queen' (Abba) – The Abba tribute band, Bjorn Again, says it was paid £20,000 to perform in front of Vladimir Putin. The Russian Prime Minister denies dancing.

Matthew John Oldfield

NOT SO INNOCENT: Lily "don't fuck with me" Allen

YOU CAN ONLY DREAM OF BEING THIS SEXY

TJ: That sure sounds clichéd and ofthe-moment. I love it! But what shall I sing with my powerful, sexy lungs?

Songwriter: leave that to the hip new lyric-writing software, iNanity 2.0.

See, you can choose from all the different kinds of song: the I-want-youback song, the you-done-me-wrong song, the get-off-my-back song, the everything-would-be-OK-if-every-

Jonny Stockford

You got to give a little love, give a little love, Go on just do it, you can't confuse it, Give a little love, give a little love, Go on and do it, Go! TJ: Now that's a message I can get down to! But what about my trademark Woahs?

Songwriter: Don't worry! I'll just increase the warble rating...

It gives me life, hope, dreams, goals woooooooah!

TJ: There we go! But I'm slightly worried that this song's a bit formulaic...

What about my artistic credentials?

Songwriter: Tom, are you feeling OK? You're one hundred and seventeen years old. Isn't it a bit late to start thinking about all that?

TJ: Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't know what came over me.

Songwriter: That's right. Now you just get started on those Woahs!

Overheard by Ed Ballard

Ed Ballard

Don't go anywhere without your iPod? music@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 21 Star Rating

Recommended tracks

 Immense.  Top drawer  Mixed bag  Below par  Pure shite

Mumford & sons Sneaky Pete's Tuesday 3rd February



Things we've been listening to this week, both old and new

T

weedy London folksters Mumford & Sons (pictured right) played to a crammed Sneaky Pete’s last Tuesday and received a warm reception from a crowd eager to see one of 2009’s most hotly-tipped posh new acts. Former Edinburgh rah Marcus Mumford has a talent for writing sweet, literate acoustic ballads, which his band turn into mini-epics with a piano, double bass, and an array of acoustic guitars.

We were even treated to a banjo on several occasions. The band have been grouped together under the nu-folk tag along with friends Noah & the Whale, Emmy the Great, Johnny Flynn and Mumford’s girlfriend, Laura Marling.

‘Hold on to What You Believe’ typified all the best aspects of Mumford & Sons: slow-burning verses and rousing choruses, while ‘Awake My Soul’ was another highlight played well into the set. By then the crowd had begun to get more involved; Edinburgh audiences can be a bit reserved as you may have experienced, but tonight they were particularly generous. Mumford has the ability to switch effortlessly between a soft tenor and a gravelly bellow, his band reflecting this dynamic, moving from understatement to intense pockets of noise.

Aside from this, we spent most of the evening being amused by their keyboardist, who goes by the moniker Ben Lovett Bloody Loves It. What, we wonder, does he ‘bloody love?’

We’re guessing a Saturday morning in Shoreditch spent getting his haircut, and having a good wank. But this is beside the point. Mumford & Sons long set had plenty to enjoy, and although it all sounded rather similar, each song is imbued with a passion and effortless sense of melody that can’t be ignored, and with Mumford's undeniable talent, there's potential here for a genuinely special debut.

Janet Stockcheck

mos def - ms. fat booty (black on both sides) Featuring a killer sample of Aretha Franklin's "One Step Ahead", 'Ms. Fat Booty' still remains Mos Def 's best single. ra ra riot - ghost under rocks (the rhumb line) Every week we point out a band from Brooklyn that's better than either Vampire Weekend or MGMT. Ra Ra Riot wipe the floor with both, and this, the opener from their debut album illustrates the point perfectly orbital - lush 3.1 (orbital II)

Teddy thompson Queen's Hall Friday 30th January



W

ith folk-rock legends Richard and Linda Thompson as parents, acquiring fame on his own merit was never going to be easy for aspiring son Teddy. Although his previous albums remained faithful to his folk roots Master Thompson’s more recent effort Piece of What You Need is a more elaborate and instrumentally layered poprock venture. This departure is no doubt partly due to recruiting the extravagant Marius de Vries; a producer whose laudable input here is reminiscent of his stellar work with Teddy’s pal Rufus Wainwright.

Strolling on stage at The Queen’s Hall in a t-shirt and jeans Thompson sings a duet with support Tift Merrit and immediately establishes an endear-

ingly gracious persona. Returning with post-dressing room polish he opens with the up tempo ‘One of These Days’. The most striking thing is just how full and encompassing Thompson’s languid voice sounds off record, similarly, the manner in which he fixes the audience with an intense, seething stare is truly arresting.

The cinematic ‘Jonathan’s Book’ and it’s rippling piano accompaniment does much to emphasize this sense of hypnotism.

Thompson completes his entrance with the Orbison-esque ‘Don't Know What I Was Thinking’ before settling down to a little audience interaction. A clear inheritor of his father’s wit, Thompson’s stage chat is just as relaxed and wry as his lyrics would suggest.

Drinking, degeneracy and silent contempt, supplemented by their usual thematic counterparts of honest self-assessment and attempted redemption, permeate

the following songs. ‘I’ll sleep with anyone who gets in my way’ snarls Thompson, believably. Performing his older material solo, Thompson reminds of his ability to lyrically capture contemporary ideas in an ancient folk format, especially evident as he ponders the beautifully understated ‘Separate Ways’ in the encore. After some fun and frolicking the gig unexpectedly concludes on the untitled bluesy rocker tucked away right at the end of Piece of What You Need, after a full 10 minutes of album silence. The audience is left with the feeling that, in contrast to what of his often dark and bitter lyrics might indicate, there’s so much to like about Teddy Thompson. Moreover though, the prodigal son has proved himself to be the writer of great, great pop songs and an accomplished talent in his own right.

Alan Roberts

Pick anything from the Brown album (A.K.A. Orbital II) and play it loud. Lush 3.1 and 3.2 are particularly good.

Bloc Party - Better Than Heaven (Intimacy) The Bloc's Depeche Mode moment from last year's underrated Intimacy. Kele channels Dave Gahan as the band whip up a dark storm of fuzzy synths and distorted guitars. led zeppelin - heartbreaker (led zeppelin II) Again, stick a pin anywhere on II and you'll be happy. Promise.

Jimmy Page's guitar riff on 'Heartbreaker' is simply fantastic.

The week that was - The airport line (the week that was) Field Music frontman Peter Brewis is one of the most inventive figures in British pop music, although no one knows it, and this, from his new band, is an absolute gem packed with ideas and about 20 melodies. funkadelic - maggot brain (maggot brain) Best guitar solo, ever?

Chaz Jankel - Get Myself together (My occupation)

Videoof

theweeK Fleet Foxes Mykonos

D

irected by Sean Pecknold, singer Robin Pecknold's brother, the video to new single 'Mykonos' is a dark and slightly disturbing animation featuring origami-style card cutouts morphing into spiralling forms, underground creatures, and bird-like creatures. For such a melodic, sum-

mery song, it's not the kind of video you'd expect, but it strangely fits. Be warned: some of it takes place inside a womb. Gasp! There's a disembodied face constructed out of triangles and apostrophes. Despite this, we hear that Mr. Pecknold is not on crack, but merely has a particularly active imagination. We like it; we like it a lot.

Chaz Jankel played keyboard an guitar in Ian Dury and The Blockheads. As if that wasn't enough, he also made amazing disco tunes as a solo artist, such as this lost b-side included on his recent Best Of, My Occupation. Check it out big star - when my baby's beside me (# 1 record) Big Star inspired loads of indie pop bands of the 80s and 90s. #1 Record is near faultless; but if you have to listen to one track, make it this. Or 'Thirteen'.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

culture@studentnewspaper.org

22 Magazine: Culture

ART & tHEATRE

Bloody Brilliant BLOOD BROTHERS

Until 14th Feb Festival theatre



BOOK WORM . . .

Devotion

by Nell Leyshon 248pp, Picador, £14.99

 ell Leyshon’s second novel, N Devotion, follows the critically acclaimed Black Dirt, and sees her interpose daily life with symbols of our basic human instincts. Each pivotal character begins to self-destruct in order to grow a new skin.

The collapse of a family unit is represented literally and metaphorically, in both external and internal worlds.

Rachel and Andrew have separated, but her swift rebound only rubs salt into her many open wounds. The narrative switches between all members of the family, a technique potent in its simplicity. Of the two daughters Tilly speaks first, but it is the observations of fifteen - year old Grace whose painful adolescence shapes the novel.

We are reminded that every move, each decision, can have far-reaching effects beyond our control.

The collective mental breakdown manifests itself physically, perhaps most poignantly when younger daughter Tilly pulls out her hair.

Although it could seem contrived, the gradual physical wearing down is described subtly, and with effect. As Andrew becomes thinner and thinner he fades away from us as a character.

Grace plays with truancy, and fate, saving a young man from suicide. The religious mantras inscribed on the walls of his house echo ideas of forgiveness at the same time as denial.

Our attention is continually drawn to the basic vulnerability of our human nature. The insects Andrew keeps illustrate strong ideas of re-growth and rebirth. Passages of information coupled with the story of Manty the Unhappy Insect allow ideas of sex and need to filter through.

Continually, we are moved to focus on our skin, heart, and lungs. Rachel troubles herself with such anatomical thoughts, ‘he must be able to see what was inside of me…blood through my veins, the swelling and contraction of my lungs, the beating of my heart’.

Our raw emotions may cause us to self-destruct, but importantly, they help us to recover. By trying to support David, Grace can help herself, as he grants her the distance she needs.

Some problems we cannot foresee or solve, and although the climax is alarming, the last words, ‘I will’ are affirmative of human determination and possibility.

Christine Johnston

I

n its twenty-fifth year, Blood Brothers is still blowing away audiences night after night as the production is greeted by packed theatres and standing ovations across the world. The secret to the show’s enduring success? Undoubtedly, the story. Willy Russell’s tale of twins separated at birth is a journey of twists and turns with humour, heartbreak and harmonies at every corner.

Maureen Nolan (one of the Nolan Sisters, pictured below and right) reprises the role of the fabulous Mrs Johnstone this week at Edinburgh’s Festival Theatre with great success. As a working-class mother struggling to make ends meet, Johnstone is left with no choice but to give away one of her sons to Mrs Lyons, her middle-class employer who is desperate for a child of her own.

The musical unfolds around the lives of Mickey and Eddie and questions whether their fates were shaped by their different upbringings, or whether in fact they were always determined by the Gods. Practically a philosophy lecture through the medium of song, if you will.

Sean Jones as Mickey is particularly impressive; his later years as a manic depressive in Act Two are made all the more poignant by his endearing portrayal of a cheeky youngster in the

earlier scenes.

The narrator, played by Robbie Scotcher, is omnipresent which is great (partly because he is a bit of a dish) but also and arguably more importantly because he represents the dilemma posed by the production.

The personification of a niggling thought, Scotcher’s glances and whispers serve as constant reminders of the implications the past may throw up.

Though at times his voice is a little forced, he makes up for this with his captivitating stage presence.

A simple skyline and terraced houses provide the setting for most of the performance and their simplicity allows the show’s message to do the talking while still providing glimpses into the characters’ Liverpudlian background.

Fellow Scouser Willy Russell produced both the score and lyrics to accompany his original story, and it is this unique feat which sets Blood Brothers apart from other musicals.

Emotions run high in Russell’s tale but he ensures that they are channelled into every orifice of the play, every word of every song.

Nolan was quietly sobbing during the final rendition of ‘Tell Me It’s Not True’ demonstrating the sheer power of the production even after weeks of rehearsals and performances. Blood Brothers is an unmissable show and I defy anyone not to be moved by it.

Coppelia Run finished Playhouse Theatre

Hannah Ramsey

�  night at the ballet is always a A treat, especially in dreary January when everybody needs a healthy dose

of escapism to brush off those winter blues. So I was more than happy to put off my essays, put on my gladrags and get myself down to the Playhouse Theatre for an evening of tutus, twirls and men in tights.

Coppelia is one of the oldest, classic ballets, though perhaps also one of the lesser known. it was composed in1870 by Leo Ledibes, who has been credited with inspiring later masters of the genre ubcluding Tchaikovsky.

The story, which is set in a rural Hungarian village, and tells the story of Swanilda and Frantz, an engaged couple who sneak into the workshop of Dr Coppelius, a toymaker and creator of a beautiful and life-like doll named Coppelia.

Ledibes’ score is full of upbeat folk rhythms and traditional lilting melodies and the overture succeeds in setting a playful and magical tone for the rest of the show.

The curtain came up on a pastel-coloured, sweetie-box set, reminiscent of Sofia Coppola’s ‘Marie Antoinette’ and beautifully complemented by fairytale costumes any little girl could only dream of!

I could hardly fault Ellen Kent’s choreography, and our vantage point high in the steeply-tiered Playhouse Theatre allowed us to appreciate the beautiful symmetry and patterns during the full company dances.

The two leads, a married couple in real life, were picture-perfect; their effortless lifts seemed to defy gravity and Swanilda’s never-ending pirouettes had the audience gasping in incredulity.

As easy as they made it look, an injury in the corps de ballet in the second act served to remind me of the difficulty of the ballet dancer’s profession.

“

The curtain came up on a pastel-coloured, sweetie box of a set, complemented by costumes any little girl could only dream of...

Fans of E.T.A. Hoffman’s might miss the darkness of his original fairy tale, which is lost in this production. Instead of a sinister and mysterious villain Dr Coppelius seems more of a ridiculous eccentric.

Without these malevolent undertones, there was a sense of injustice in Dr Coppelius’ mistreatment and exclusion by the villagers.

In general, however, this very traditional but beautifully crafted production was the perfect antidote to the wintry weather.

Ruth McPherson

culture@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 23 The best thing about The Pajama Game, however, is its outstanding choreography. Murray Grant and Lindsay Osbourne present a cheeky ensemble of dance numbers that are humorous and inspired, even though at times they lack polish in their execution.

The set-changes were also a bit sluggish, and solos sometimes lacked the power needed to keep up the energetic pace required for the show’s long run-time.

But The Pajama Game is an excellent addition to Footlight’s ever growing trail of success, and remains a joy to watch.

the pajama game Run Finished church hill theatre



A

hh the fifties. The golden age of the Broadway musical, when Rodgers and Hammerstein reined supreme, churning out classics such as The Sound of Music and South Pacific, and a young Stephen Sondheim was getting his big break, writing the lyrics for West Side Story. Hidden amongst these heavyweights, however, is a little gem called The Pajama Game.

Largely the product of original and un-tried talent (the composers, producers and choreographers were all new to Broadway) its score was considered a breath of fresh air, and the show opened on Broadway in 1954 to rave reviews and an impressively long run.

Since then, however, large scale productions of the musical have been rather elusive. Taste for this somewhat antiquated brand of musical theatre has ebbed and flowed, and audience reaction has always proved to be most unpredictable.

So this is a risky undertaking for the cast of the Edinburgh Footlights, who in the wake of several successful sell-out productions, have championed The Pajama Game as their 2009 offering.

We descend upon the Sleep-Tite pajama factory at a time of crisis.

Factory manager, Vernon Hines, is trying his best to maintain a production rate at breakneck speed in his quest for unbeatable efficiency, while hot crumpet superintendent Sid Sorokin has just joined the company

Ciara Stafford swan lake Run Finished

and is determined to make it big.

Meanwhile, demands by the workers for a seven-and-a-half cent wage increase are unheeded. A strike is imminent- and is to be fronted by Babe Williams, leader of the Union grievance committee.

Spirited and feisty, Babe is determined to fight for the cause of the proletariat; but as love blossoms between her and Sid, she finds her loyalties divided and must make a choice between what she loves, and what she stands for.

Described as “the best natured show ever created for the stage”, The Pajama Game is renowned for its light-hearted approach to the hefty subjects of labour strikes and forbidden love.

The score consists of swaggering themes that straddle several musical genres- from the rolling western “There Once Was a Man” to the tense tango of

“Hernando’s Hideaway”. It is an oldfashioned slice of musical cheese that could, if in the wrong hands, run the risk of becoming over-pungent.

But Footlights have turned any potential pitfalls into a return to old-fashioned sass; the show sweeps you up in its good-natured innocence and leaves you in a state of bright optimism.

The casting is impeccable. Robin Stewart is picture perfect as comic relief Hines, as is his secretary and love-interest, Nina Logue's Gladys. The ups and downs of their rather unusual relationship provide the opportunity for the script, music and set design to come together and create memorable scenes that were the highlight of the show.

Julie Moore is stunning as Babe Williams, whose voice is absolute class and whose portrayal grounds the show and prevents it from becoming purely a comedy of errors.

playhouse theatre



E

llen Kent Ballet International presents the Russian Classical Ballet Theatre which pirouettes on stage at the Edinburgh Playhouse in their production of Swan Lake. Staged in three acts, Swan Lake is one of the most successful and popular ballets of all time.

Set against enchanting German fairytale castles, dense forests and moonlit lakes, performed along to Tchaikovsky's instantly recognisable music. It stars the outstanding Kristina Terentiev, Grand Prix winner of the International Dance Competition, Vienna 2007, and features principal stars of international reputation Packing a powerful punch Kristina Terentiev is a stunning Odette/Odile.

Up until Terentieva pirouettes on to the stage however, the production seems to be at best mediocre.

Prince Siegfried, played by her husband and the object of her affection in the performance, has great stage chemistry when they are together where their husband and wife relationship translates.

The energetically leaping Andriy Kozarezov plays Siegfried's Jester and our story-teller, as we learn of a prince who is supposed to choosing a bride but is too busy falling in love with a swan to do so. The comedic jester with fantastic costumes that wouldn’t go-a-miss on dancing on ice, performs some showstopping pirouettes and shines out as the strongest male lead.

Come the third act when Siegfried is tricked into declaring his love for another the thinness of the production is once again clear, while the final act's tragic return to the swans.

With some great special effects the finale has clearly arrived however their time at the lake is strangely brief. There is no doubt that Terentiev stole the show and as the final curtain fell she let the stage rip to the universal language of applause. Just as Odette/Odile wins over Siegfred’s imagination, she wins over the audience too with a starring performance.

For the sceptics there is nothing “sissy” about the production. Drag your boyfriend along: these “men in tights” might surprise them with their athleticism. Failing that, it might spur them on to loose those “holiday” pounds!

Swan Lake is well worth a visit. Even if you cant tell your arabesque from your derrière what better way to while away the dreary January nights?

Lois Mcanulty

WIN THIS COVETED TROPHY AND EXPLORE THE WORLD THIS SUMMER Enter a team & win the ultimate 6-week adventure

m p 3 e m r a a 1 u 1 : q 9 S 0 o 0 t 2 s i r b B , e F y t i s r 23 e iv n U h g r u b n i Ed www.worldadventuretrophy.co.uk IN ASSOCIATION WITH

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

24

tech@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture

TECH AWAY

TECHNOLOGY

The simple bear necessities Craig Wilson forgets about his worries and his strife BANJO-KAZOOIE: NUTS & BOLTS XBOX360

LAST WEEK saw the publication of the draft Digital Britain report

by Lord Carter, bringing with it several changes to media and information technology. Perhaps the most alarming is the Government’s attempt to combat illegal file-sharing in the same way it tackles most social problems these days: by suing, prosecuting or belittling everyone it can.

Carter proposes the creation of a ‘Rights Agency’ to deal with the growing problem of Internet piracy, funded by service providers and the music and film industry.

Of course, you can be sure that any costs incurred by ISPs will be passed directly onto the consumer. Think of it this way, torrent fans: you’ll be paying extra for your broadband each month to fund an agency dedicated to hunting you down and cutting your phone line in two.

Surely there must be better ways to discourage piracy than fines and threats of disconnection? Why don’t the music and film industry work together with ISPs to create a new tier of broadband service which allows unlimited torrenting of copyrighted material for a set fee each month? I’m up for it and I’m sure many others who just want to watch Lost every week without fear of litigation are too.

Speaking of litigation, the businessman formerly known as “the next Alan Sugar”, 16 year old Gary Cooper, is under investigation from Trading Standards following accusations from irate customers of unauthorised payments, non-receipt of goods and even charging extra for customer support requests. Barclays have suspended online payments for the ‘GC’s PCs’ website while Microsoft are conducting their own investigations into alleged misconduct. Fearless and/or stupid readers can still make purchases via Paypal.

Perhaps Mr Cooper should spend some of the £400,000 yearly earning he bragged to newspapers about on a decent lawyer, or some shares in Amstrad.

£19.99–£44.99

MICROSOFT GAME STUDIOS

ou’d be forgiven for questioning Y what relevance, if any, Banjo and Kazooie have nowadays. A decade af-

ter the bird and bear team one-upped Mario with the superior Banjo-Kazooie, sprawling levels littered with pointless items to collect are now considered relics from the past- and rightly so. While the series’s trademark irreverent humour and esoteric characters make their long awaited return, I can happily say that Nuts & Bolts is so much more than Banjo-Threeie.

When evil witch Gruntilda challenges the now obese Banjo to yet another inane collect-athon, in swoops the Lord of Games, a disembodied hotchpotch of purple robes and Pong emblazoned TV screen, to call a halt to the outdated shenanigans. As purported creator of all video games, the Lord issues a new decree: both parties must take to land, sea and air in a range of vehicle-based challenges in order to… collect a set of new pointless items!

It’s as if the fourth wall never existed.

This self-awareness allows Nuts & Bolts to showcase levels such as the LOGBOX720, a glimpse into the nextnext-generation where firewalls threaten to engulf the development team, or Banjoland, a museum honouring the now clichéd trappings of ice, desert

PASS WITH FLYING COLOURS: But without a star rating how will I know if it's any good? and lava levels fraught with nonsensical death traps and enemies. Each lavishly rendered world has a unique art style that is stronger than other games are in their entirety, with plenty of exciting routes for your automotive Frankensteins to travel.

Progress is made by completing vehicle-based missions, where the creation system makes Nuts & Bolts something truly special. If you can snap Lego bricks together then you can quickly construct the perfect vehicle for the task at hand. While most races and fetch-quests require logical builds, more novel tasks such as toppling the most dominoes from a high plinth reward creativity and imagination.

My Monstroplane, with its ludicrously wide wingspan and five engines, knocked over enough dominoes to

If I could turn back time

FOR OLD TIMES' SAKE: Another chance to play a classic CHRONO TRIGGER Nintendo DS £19.99–£29.99 SQUARE ENIX

nce upon a time, there was a O game developer called Square Enix. After several years of inventing http://obamicon.me Create your own iconic Obama posters. Just because you're not the leader of the free world, that doesn't mean you can't look good.

Craig Wilson

means your creativity is never in vain.

Nuts & Bolts reminds me of a Pixar movie; although dressed up for kids, the humour and mechanics are clearly pitched at a higher level. On the whole there is always something for everybody. When it fails though, it is like a sad engineer in a clown suit. These moments are rare though as a plentiful supply of missions allows you to pick and choose around the frustration.

It’s great to play a game that celebrates silliness and imagination rather than bland carnage and brutality. If you’re still not convinced by the series’ new direction, you could always follow the game’s tip: “Not enjoying the vehicle-based gameplay on offer here? Then you need to go download the original Banjo-Kazooie on Xbox Live Arcade!”

Alan Williamson has a blast from the past with Chrono Trigger

Alan Williamson

WEBSITEOF THEWEEK

win the arbitrary golden jigsaw piece on offer but not enough to collect a coveted trophy from Trophy Thomas.

With more parts being rewarded as you progress as well as those scattered around the main world, I could return to this challenge later and add a few more engines, or perhaps a few more springs which should definitely net me first place and the girl of my dreams (ladies, I'm writing this to fill space).

However, Nuts & Bolts can sometimes get in its own way. On more than one occasion I spent ten minutes building a sumo-wrestling tank only to defeat my opponent in three seconds. It is often hard to judge what exactly is expected from you on the first attempt; but, thankfully, being able to save previous designs

and refining the concept of the roleplaying game with their Final Fantasy series, they produced the critically acclaimed and multi-million selling Chrono Trigger. Then at a board meeting one day, some overpaid executive decided gamers in the UK would be much happier playing FIFA 95 on the

Mega Drive instead and decided not to release it here. Man, I hate that guy.

Fifteen years later and Chrono Trigger has finally reached the shores of Britain in an enhanced package that takes the best of the Super Nintendo original and later Playstation variant.

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the Japanese role-playing game: you play a silent, brooding protagonist who uses swords in a world with readily available firearms, you will befriend a motley crew of characters including at least one animal, a femme fatale and a reformed bad guy, to defeat an ancient evil that resurfaces every 1000 years or so (which, somewhat inconve-

niently, happens to be today) and this objective is achieved by killing hordes of monsters with spells and having mammoth conversations despite the alleged urgency of the task at hand.

Luckily for cynics like myself, Chrono Trigger is adept at taking the conventions of the genre and throwing them out of the window. The game’s focus is time travel, in case you didn’t guess from the title, allowing for some clever writing and ingenious cause-effect relationships to surface.

With the ability to travel from prehistory through a post-apocalyptic future, your actions in the past shape the future.

In an early highlight, you’re put on trial and asked about events leading up to it. Some hilarious truth bending on the part of the prosecutor ensues as you realise how little you actually remember. You’ll want to replay this section just to see if things can turn out differently next time. The quality of writing is not limited to the main quest: lead characters have real personalities and histories. Discovering these is optional, but they are compelling enough to seek out that the choice is barely apparent.

The somewhat stagnant battle mechanics that have become a genre staple are much improved. Rather than encountering foes at random (perhaps the worst idea in game history alongside the interactive movie) enemies wander the screen for you to

engage, or more importantly avoid, at will. A fast-paced battle system keeps the emphasis on quick decisions and progressing with the game’s story, with no need to spend time buffing up your characters in order to progress.

Not all is well in this re-release, partly due to the limitations of the DS. The art design has lost some of its charm in translation, appearing smaller and less detailed throughout.

That said, the use of original artwork is preferable to a modern revamp. Unfortunately, the animated cut scenes of the Playstation version- directed by Akira Toriyama of Dragonball Z fame, no less- have also been included. These try to fill in the aesthetic gaps where your imagination normally steps in; my imagination is both better and cuter, apparently. Additional content in the form of new areas and quests lacks the attention to detail that made the original game so impressive. Mercifully the celebrated soundtrack has survived the conversion unaffected and is worth cracking out a decent pair of headphones to savour it fully.

Chrono Trigger is, if you’ll forgive the pun, a game years ahead of its time that puts modern contemporaries to shame. Just as fresh as it was in 1995, it is a delight to play even for those lucky enough to have done so before.

For the rest of us, which represents the vast majority of the DS owning population, you need this game more than oxygen.

Addicted to the box? Email: tv@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 25

TV

Jack the Rip-off?

Andrew Chadwick lets rip on ITV's modern take on the Whitechapel murders

PERFECT GENTLEMAN : ITV is clearly relying on Pemberton's raw sex appeal to boost ratings he first of three episodes of T Whitechapel didn’t exactly offer much in the way of a challenge, not that that ever stopped ITV from going ahead with a commission. The gory murder of a young woman is quickly likened to that of Jack The Ripper’s first victim, and there the gloriously predictable premise is handed to us on

a plate.

This needn’t hinder our enjoyment though, need it? Couple of interesting, troubled detectives to work out ‘whodunnit’ and we’re away, yes? These are provided, first in the form of DI Joseph Chandler, the posh boy DI being fast-tracked through the ranks, played well by Rupert Penry-Jones, although

probably not with much effort as with a name like Rupert Penry-Jones you’ve got to be quite a posh boy anyway.

Accompanying him is the veteran Detective Sergeant Ray Miles (Phil Davis), who’s basically there to act as spokesperson for the team of middleaged overweight, lazy, doughnut-eating cardboard cut-outs of policemen

It's not easy Being Human

he represents. Their exchanges are obviously meant to constitute the ‘interesting relationship’ of the series, but it's overdone and starts to grate after the first couple of rounds of earthy copper vs mama’s boy DI. We’re aware of the difference between Chandler and his subordinates from the moment he turns up to his first murder scene in a dinner jacket and bow tie and retches at the sight of the corpse whilst Miles chats nonchalantly to a colleague standing over it, it needn’t be drummed into our heads all episode, but then ITV have never been ones for nuance.

It remains, however, inexplicably enjoyable, especially the scenes with Ripperologist Edward Buchan, played

by Steve Pemberton, who hams it up as the geeky tour guide and Jack-enthusiast who first introduces the theory that they have a copy-cat on their hands. He’s the one clue that perhaps there is a couple of tongues firmly planted in cheeks behind all this, and that yes, it might just be OK to sit back and enjoy something ITV has made, just this once.

Stylistically it's all over the shop, and the shaky, blurred shots used every time the Ripper is on screen are just laboured stabs (HA!) at the sort of Tony Scottedginess that was never edgy in the slightest. Still, doesn’t stop it being really rather entertaining trash, particularly for a Monday night. Perhaps next week they’ll give us a twist, now that would be real progress.

Neil Pooran says BBC2's new supernatural drama is just what TV was Thirsting for

HUMAN DESIRE: Vampires have needs too, you know

E

ver since the demise of Buffy the Vampire Slayer six long years ago there has been a gaping hole in the TV schedule. Like hordes of bloodthirsty undead, thousands of geeks across the Western world have been craving a fix of weekly supernatural cult drama.

There have been a few worthy replacements along the way, and arguably recent Lost episodes go some way to filling the void, but really there’s still a long way to go before we can revel in supernatural fandom once more.

Being Human is not revolutionary

television, but it is at least a decent re-hashing of the semi-comedy supernatural drama formula. The tagline, ‘A vampire, a werewolf and a ghost share a flat in Bristol’, is delightfully charming, and on the whole the series seems to have got off to a promising start.

The first episode introduces us to Annie, Mitchell and George, ghost, werewolf and vampire respectively.

Mates George and Mitchell have somehow ended up in the flat that Annie has haunted since her mysterious death, and the two lads have landed

jobs as porters in a nearby hospital.

Wimpy werewolf George has a bit of a problem in the opening episode: the hospital isolation room he normally locks himself into every full moon is being turned into office space, and he’s without a place to transform safely. He enlists Mitchell’s help and scarpers around the countryside in a desperate bid to find somewhere remote enough to allow him to transform without anybody getting mauled by his lupine alter-ego.

Since the forests are full of people

picnicking, shagging, or lurking around making coded references to future episodes, he opts to transform in the flat.

The beast trashes the place, but some pumpin’ drum’n’bass conveniently covers up the noise.

Come the second episode George takes a turn for the stupid, so it’s good that we have philandering, century-old vampire Mitchell around as a sympathetic character.

He’s attempting to go cold-turkey from the Thirst, even if his chums in the vampire mafia are plotting to drag the whole country into an involuntary blood drive. Mitchell is rapidly developing into the most interesting character, though there’s plenty in Annie and George’s background that’s dying to be explored.

Being Human’s success is its ability to merge the supernatural with every day, down-to-earth personal problems.

The most literal example is how Annie’s self-confidence issues affect how the living can see her. Moreover, there are no painfully-construed attempts to be ‘down with the kids’ or to construct a false sense of coolness.

Now that we’ve had the characters introduced to us, it’s time to get on with some plot development. We still don’t know precisely why the three are attempting to ‘be human’ in a Bristol suburb, rather than fall into the usual stereotypes of blood-sucking, countryside-prowling and, er, dying.

ONE TO WATCH MOSES JONES BBC3 ll police detectives have interestA ing names. Well, that’s the judgement you’d probably come to if you’ve

watched enough police dramas. The officers with the odd monikers this time are Moses Jones (Shaun Parkes) and Dan Twentyman (Matt Smith), who team up to solve a gruesome and apparently witchcraft-inspired killing, leading them to the heart of London’s African community. Instead of a just a simple “whodunnit?” open-and-shut case, the two officers become embroiled in a murky world of mistrust and illegality, stumbling upon a much darker reality than they had at first thought.

It seems as if the writer of Moses Jones has watched every police drama of the last twenty years, took the most interesting bits from each one and cobbled them together to make his own programme. For example, we have the introspective, put-upon eponymous lead detective (Cracker, Inspector Morse), the “buddy cop” relationship with the aforementioned Twentyman (Dalziel and Pascoe), and the point of view of the criminals and the people on the street (HBO’s superlative The Wire). Not that that is a criticism, really – in fact in adding together all of these elements it makes the programme seem much more refreshing than other dramas like it, and gives it a multi-layered feel that is often found lacking from the average episode of Rosemary and Thyme.

Although to compare it to such twee teatime TV would be unfair, because Moses Jones is by no means an easy watch. In the first episode alone we encounter a body stuffed in a suitcase, a mentally ill man throwing himself out of a window, and a particularly unpleasant scene involving a hammer and some feet. The director immerses us in the seldom cushy experiences of Ugandan immigrants in England’s capital, an environment that most viewers have never really explored before or felt comfortable in, lending the programme a commendable notion of social commentary.

Some buzz about this programme has come from the fact that it is Matt Smith’s first major role since his unveiling as the 11th Doctor Who. It is hard to give a proper judgement of his performance truth be told, as he is a supporting character in an massive ensemble cast, but maybe in the next two episodes the boyish charm of Twentyman will grow to show a talent mature enough to handle the keys to the Tardis. If Moses Jones continues to be so gritty and unflinching, he might just have to.

Paddy Douglas

Puzzles

“

I have wasted my hours." Leonardo da Vinci

Teasers

This Week's Horoscopes AQUARIUS Jan 21`—Feb 19

Change is on its way and the

plans you’ve made will soon bear fruit. Loved ones will provide the support you need.

You will notice a random correlation between a deliberately ambiguous statement in a student newspaper and the events of the coming week.

PISCES Feb 20—Mar 20

Like an origami ship tossed

in the breeze on a puddle, life’s problems threaten to crush you like a child’s Wellington boot. Call the child’s parents and have them reprimanded. You spent ages on that boat and can’t remember how to fold one any more. Oh, and before I forget, eat more carrots.

ARIES Mar 21—April 20

Sorry about last week’s horo-

scope. Turns out there were some crumbs on the Zodiac chart and your prediction was completely inaccurate. Whoops! This week, you’ll stub your toe on the pavement and find a fiver wrapped up in a receipt. Please send the fiver to ‘Mystic Alan and Cryptic Craig’, The Student, 60 Pleasance. For luck.

TAURUS April 21—May 21

Just to clear up a few things

that are probably running through your mind right now: it's not common, your significant other will notice and regular antibiotics do not affect it. On the bright side, Saturn is in your spectrum so they won't find out from whom you caught it.

GEMINI May 22—June 21

Your will see three ducks.

This is important. You know what to do now.

Spare no one. For God's sake, remember the ducks.

CANCER June 22—July 23

Valentine’s

Day is approaching and you know what that means: (feeling sheltered in the arms of your soul mate/ yet more disappointment) (delete as appropriate). Make sure to (tell them how much you love them/ get really drunk), (turn up the romance/ call up your ex at three in the morning) and (have fun/ tell them what a fucking horrible person they are and how you wish they’d never been born).

Puzzles LIBRA Sep 24—Oct 23

Someone will call you and

you will answer the phone anxiously, having read this sentence. Don’t hesitate, there’s no time to lose. A chance encounter in the street will lead to strange happenings, purple skies and things smelling of lavender.

SCORPIO Oct 24—Nov 22

are the master of your own destiny. Write your own horoscope in here at the end of the week and pretend I predicted it.

Hitori # 3

Sudoku is a logic-based number-placement puzzle. The objective is to fill the 9×9 grid so that each column, each row, and each of the nine 3×3 boxes (also called blocks or regions) contains the digits from 1 to 9 only once.

The object of Hitori is to eliminate numbers by shading in the squares such that remaining cells do not contain numbers that appear more than once in either a given row or column.

2 4

rying about the deadline for your assessed work this week. This is only natural.

Besides, you should worry: everyone else has written more than you and to a much higher standard. You now have two options: get the finger out, or fill out a CV for McDonalds.

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You may find yourself wor-

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ROUGH PAD

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23—Dec 21

Your dreams will turn into

LEO July 24—Aug 23

Bold, confident Leo, you

Sudoku #3

VIRGO Aug 24—Sep 23

Your life is like a roller-

coaster. You just have to ride it. This week will be the best week of your life.

Maybe. If it is not, forgive me. I am Jeremy Clarkson.

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Riddles

reality – the giant man-eating staplers, a sexual encounter with Tom Jones – it is time for action. It is time for Smints.

(This horoscope brought to you in association with Smints: Damn! That's a minty sweet!)

Something a little different to get that hamster wheel between your ears turning:

1

CAPRICORN Dec 22—Jan 20

See, I told you so.

Filled-in cells cannot be horizontally or vertically adjacent, although they can be diagonally adjacent. The remaining un-filled cells must form a single component connected horizontally and vertically (i.e there must be no isolated numbers).

Mercury is entering the

arc of its 7th meridian. This means it’s heading on a collision course with Earth and will crush everything in its path.

Abandon your friends and family and join us at the top of Arthur’s Seat this Friday: TOGETHER WE WILL COLONISE THE MOON.

When set loose, I fly away. Never so cursed as when I go astray.

2

5

This week's crystal ball gazers were Jonny Stockford, Alan Williamson and Craig Wilson

Each morning I appear to lie at your feet.

All day I will follow, no matter how fast you run. Yet I nearly perish in the midday sun.

3

My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured. Thin, I am quick; Fat, I am slow. Wind is my foe.

4

When you, I am sweet in the sun. When middle-aged, I make you gay. When old, I am valued more than ever.

Until I am measured, I am not known. Yet how you will miss me when I have flown.

Caption competition #1 This is your chance to show off your razor-sharp wit, your truly ridiculous imagination, your mastery of awful puns or your encyclopaedic knowledge of penis gags. This week's prize is 'eternal glory' but watch this space for future prizes of nominal cash value! Send entries to editors@studentnewspaper.org with 'caption competition' in the subject line.

Not So Cryptic Crossword #3 ACROSS 9 Offensive (13) 10 Mineral spring (3) 11 Arm coverings (7) 12 Festive occasion (4) 13 Payment for travel (4) 15 Vends (5) 17 Grasp clearly (7) 19 Vows (5) 21 Excavate (3) 23 Artist's support (5) 24 Forsake (7) 25 Duck with soft down (5) 27 Stalk (4) 28 Hire (4) 30 Pertaining to Siam (7) 32 Find the sum of (3) 33 Recreational park (9, 4) DOWN 1 Labour force (4, 5) 2 Expel (5) 3 Performs (4) 4 Ill (8) 5 Whine (6) 6 Recedes (4) 7 Started again (9) 8 Discontinue (5) 14 Religious writings (5) 16 Pertaining to the sun (5) 18 Dutch city (9)

This week's picture comes courtesy of Monotonix, Tel Aviv's most deranged garage rock band. Photo by A. Chadwick SOLUTIONS

20 Prostration caused by overexposure to the sun (9) 22 Horticulturalist (8) 26 Trader (6)

27 29 30 31

Remove hair (5) Having the same value (5) Run-down part of a city (4) Consumes (4)

RIDDLES 1 A fart 2 A shadow 3 A candle 4 Wine 5 Time.

Contact the Sport section at: sport@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Sport 27

A decade in the doldrums Martin Domin hears alarm bells ringing over the future of Scottish football WHILE £160M was spent by clubs in the English Premiership in January, clubs in the Scottish Premier League spent pennies in comparison. Perhaps this was just them showing financial prudence, but it could be symptomatic of a greater problem. Scottish football is not exactly in rude health after all.

Celtic brought in Niall McGinn and Willo Flood but both transfer fees were in the thousands rather than the millions. Indeed, Rangers fans were relieved that they didn’t need to SELL any of their assets. Chairman David Murray made it clear that they were in no position to turn down an offer for their best players if they were to balance the books. The Ibrox faithful failed to grasp the idea of simple economics and were in uproar. The placards came out and Murray faced a barrage of abuse from supporters groups. Maybe these fans should have directed their feelings at the management team who failed to guide their side past the European giants FBK Kaunas which meant they missed out on at least £10m of Champions League cash.

Neither of the Old Firm will be involved when the UEFA Cup and the Champions League resume this month and this too must be of concern to those involved in the game north of the border. Given Celtic’s home form, they certainly looked to have a good chance of coming through a Champions League group which included Manchester United, Villareal and Aalborg.

After all, they had beaten the European champions at Parkhead before.

ing along in greater numbers. While I can’t argue with his figures which do show a increase in the total number of fans, it is naive to say that more people are coming through the gates and that everything is hunky dory. Gretna’s average attendance last year was a pitiful 2,632 which can be regarded as something of an anomaly given that very few people actually support Gretna and the club realised that the thousands of fans who turned up for the Scottish Cup final the season before were actually just there for a good day out.

This season’s promoted side Hamilton currently show an average of 3,851 and given the side’s impressive current form, that is likely to continue through until May. Gretna replaced Dunfermline when they were promoted back in 2007 and the Fife club’s average attendance was over 6,000 and so clearly, attendances are far lower this season than they were two years ago. Furthermore, Rangers and Celtic have both so far seen a drop of 4,000 in their average attendance from last season while Hearts, Hibs and Inverness have also seen their fans fail to turn up as they did last term. Ultimately, the fewer fans

bothering to turn up means less money is available to strengthen the squad which means the product on show is less appealing and so even fewer people turn up, causing something of a vicious cycle.

The problem continues in the lower divisions. First Division side Livingston have failed to pay their players on time for seven of the last eight months while six of the ten clubs in Scotland’s second tier have seen a drop in their attendances compared to last season.

With only one place in the SPL up for grabs, there is little for many fans to get excited about and little to encourage them to support their team week in; week out. £17 to watch First Division leaders St. Johnstone is money a lot of people just can’t justify forking out for ninety minutes of dubious entertainment. Further down the league ladder and Second Division Stranraer were given a 50/50 chance of surviving until the end of the season after their debts reached £250,000. The loss of Scotland’s third-oldest club, and the third in recent times, after Clydebank and Gretna, would surely set the alarm

“

Rangers and Celtic have both so far seen a drop of 4,000 in average attendance since last season" After their rather feeble defeat in Denmark which left them bottom of the group, midfielder Paul Hartley asked journalists “are we really supposed to beat the likes of Manchester United and AC Milan at home?”.

Well, no, but you are expected to beat Aalborg, and it is becausethat they took just one point from the Danish champions that they were knocked out of Europe altogether which is simply not good enough. Combine the failure of the Old Firm to make their mark in Europe with the poor efforts from Motherwell and Queen of the South and Scotland’s coefficient will have taken something of a knock which will be felt in the years to come. The liklihood of Rangers and Celtic facing a tough Champions League qualifier increases. After years of considerable success which saw both Glasgow sides reach the UEFA Cup final and in which Gordon Strachan led Celtic to the latter stages of the Champions League in consecutive seasons, we could well be in for a rather barren period on the European front.

But the problems in Scottish football are also evident at home. Lex Gold, the executive chairman of the SPL, recently announced an increase in attendances this season. Despite the credit crunch, he claimed, fans are com-

It was an easy day for the two policemen

bells ringing.

The picture is far from rosy for the national side either. With crucial qualifiers coming up in March in Amsterdam and at home to Iceland in April, George Burley could do without the expected absence of both Alan Hutton and James McFadden, both of whom are are key to the revival that is needed if Scotland are to make it to South Africa next year. The knives have been out for Burley for a while and fans and journalists alike won’t be slow to criticise once again if his side fails to impress. One wonders where the matchwinners will come from without Kris Boyd in the side.

While it is of course far too early to sound the death knell, something may well have to be done soon to revive the game of football in Scotland. Just as quickly as things seemed to have turned one way, they can rapidly turn the other. Six points from six for Scotland in the spring followed by qualification for South Africa and good European runs from the Old Firm would certainly be welcome . But even the optimist in me can’t see either happening.

Injury Time TAKES A WRY LOOK AT THE WORLD OF SPORT

Clubs are spending, but will they get their money's worth?

Alistair Shand ONCE MORE it has been a January transfer window full of activity with numerous clubs splashing the cash to bolster their squads ahead of the push for silverware.

Arsenal, a team in dire need of some extra creativity if they're to make it into the Champions League, seem have struck gold by securing the services of Russian maestro Andrei Arshavin.

Despite an elevated asking price from Zenit St Petersburg the Gunners have shelled out the cash for the playmaker.

Elsewhere high-flying Aston Villa invested in veteran forward Emile Heskey to add depth to their attack to aid a push for a top four finish this season. The £3.5 million that Villa stumped up for Heskey was no modest sum for the ageing striker who O’Neil will look to utilise.

Meanwhile, Tottenham continued their customary January spending spree, but instead of hiring new players, they were intent on recalling numerous players exiled after Martin Jol’s departure.

Pascal Chimbonda and Jermaine Defoe are two of the names returning to White Hart Line after short spells at Sunderland and Portsmouth respectively.

Hence the 2009 January transfer window was no different from years past as many clubs were once again willing to splash the cash in order to strengthen their squads.

The spend-spend-spend mentality of the Premier League was once more evident as Chairmen around the league freed up cash to fund a spending spree.

However, despite the majority of clubs looking to bring in new faces, there was one club in particular, for whom transfers were not likely. Roy Hodgson’s Fulham sit comfortably in midtable security and Chairman Mohammed Al Fayed himself said money would be made available.

However, Hodgson asserted that he wanted to preserve what he had rather than investing heavily in new players.

Indeed, with only two loan players entering in January, he has stuck to his word and held back on big-money deals in order to let his team gel.

It certainly is an interesting thought put forward by Hodgson and other like-minded managers, that rather than being sucked into the easy-spending mindset of the Premier League, it's more important to allow what you have to settle and develop.

Let’s see if wily Hodgson’s ploy pays off or if for years to come clubs will see it as a given that you spend money on expensive new signings in January instead of improving those you have.

Sport

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday February 10 2009

Where have all the fans gone?

Martin Domin on the downfall of Scottish football

P26

Delight for Edinburgh's Equestrians Helen Bray reports on a successful competition for Edinburgh's horseriding club THE UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh’s Equestrian first team dominated their home competition last week, giving them a two-point lead over last year’s BUCS National Champions, Newcastle. Final positions after the combined scores of dressage and show jumping left Edinburgh and Newcastle ahead of the Heriot-Watt and Cumbria University teams, who finished third and fourth respectively. Individual placings were awarded to Laura Hayward (2nd) Sophie De Selliers (3rd) and Vanessa Miranda (4th) with a Newcastle rider stealing the coveted first-place red rosette.

The competition between the Edinburgh and Newcastle teams was close throughout but Edinburgh riders took a decisive lead after the dressage round, in which Hayward, De Selliers and Miranda all achieved the highest scores for their respective tests. Tensions were high during the show jumping but Edinburgh riders rose to the challenge and kept hold of their first-place position, despite Newcastle riding three clearrounds compared to Edinburgh’s one; ridden by Hannah Sanders, the fourth team member. Team Captain, Club President and Sport’s Union Vice President Laura Hayward later described her delight saying that “the team’s effort was brilliant and I’m really proud of them.”

British University equestrian competitions are structured so that the same four horses are ridden by each of the four teams participating, with each

team member having to make a quick decision as to which horse they think they will be able to achieve the highest score on. This demands that teams work together, with each rider being aware of their own strengths and weaknesses.

Team member, Vanessa Miranda, who is also the BUCS co-ordinator for the club, attributes their success to such solidarity: “we worked very well as a team today, everyone came together and rode for each other as well as for themselves.”

Home competitions give the home team a significant advantage, as riders can practice on their chosen horses before the competition. Edinburgh’s strong position in the league however has already been asserted by their win at Heriot-Watt’s competition, which took place last semester.

Still to come, however, are both Cumbria’s and Newcastle’s competitions. The capital side will travel south with high expectations but with Edinburgh only two points ahead of Newcastle, they will have to maintain the high standards they’ve already proved they’re capable of in order to secure a place in the regional competition in April.

Cumbria’s and Newcastle’s competitions. The capital side will travel south with high expectations but with Edinburgh only two points ahead of Newcastle, they will have to maintain the high standards they’ve already proved they’re capable of in order to secure a place in the regional competition in April.

UP AND OVER: Action from Edinburgh’s equestrian competition

Edinburgh set to deliver knockout blow James Pope looks ahead to the BUCS elimination stages

EDINBURGH MEN’S Hockey Club 1st XI secured their place in the last 16 of the national championships with a comprehensive victory over close rivals Glasgow.

The home side looked to make a positive start to the second half of their season in their final SUSA game of this year. Any match against Glasgow is usually a highly charged affair, and having only had three pitch sessions after Christmas Edinburgh could have been forgiven for appearing rusty. This was not to be the case however and it was not long before forward Sports clubs across the university are gearing themselves up for the BUCS knockout competitions as they bid to take on the best from both Scotland and England.

These ties represent the culmination of a long hard season for clubs across the sporting spectrum and will go a long way to deciding the winners and losers across Britain for 2009.

The BUCS Knockouts get under-

way tomorrow (Wednesday) and Edinburgh will be hosting some important ties against English opposition. This time last year, Edinburgh were on the wrong side of sudden death knockouts and penalty shoot outs. This year, with teams having learned from those experiences the visitors will have to be at the top of their games to take anything from the capital.

The matches will be spread over three venues. At St Leonards Land, the main event will be fencing and last year three fencing sides made the semi finals of their competitions and the Ladies A team were an agonising one point away from the BUCS Championship. The ‘A’ sides begin their bouts at 1pm in the Championship with the men up against Birmingham and the ladies facing Durham. At 4pm the ‘B’ sides begin their Trophy campaigns.

At the Pleasance, our Premier League squash teams will be fighting

in a double header, both for progress in the championship as well as needing a win to maintain their BUCS Premier League status. The women take on Aberdeen University, but the men’s firsts have the big tie. In the Scottish Universities Championships, Glasgow University beat Edinburgh’s third side in the first round before beating their second string in the final. The first side will therefore be determined not to allow Glasgow a treble and these matches start at 12:10 and 2:50 respectively. In table tennis the women will take on Oxford University, and they will be eager to progress this year after they met the top side in the draw at this stage 12 months ago. In the badminton, meanwhile, the leading ladies take on Leeds University. However the big tie at the Pleasance is the netball seconds taking on their counterparts in the third side.

The rivalry between these two teams is intense and there is no guarantee that

the 2s will claim victory, having lost in the past to their theoretically inferior opponents.

At Peffermill, the big ties involve the hockey and lacrosse clubs. The lacrosse club is one of Britain’s best over recent years with the Championship and Trophy titles going to the women two years ago while the men made the Championship final last year. The men’s firsts will start at 2pm against Warwick University with the women’s second string up against Stirling 1s hoping to begin another march to Sheffield and the finals. The top women’s side begin their knockout campaign with a trip to Bristol. The hockey club have two big ties beginning with the women’s top team pushing back at 2:15 against Oxford University and then the feature game will be the 4:30 push back as the men take on Portsmouth. Last season, Edinburgh’s men suffered the biggest heartache of all, losing to a golden goal

in a game they had dominated. They will be out for victory tomorrow to make up for the disappointment of last season.

The knockout stages have also thrown up some intriguing away ties as the men’s and women’s football sides face trips down south. The men travel to Manchester while the women visit Warwick, both hoping to return victorious. The BUCS Knockouts are the main event of the university’s sporting calendar and for the last three years, Edinburgh has been ranked as one of the top five universities in Britain, but we have a lot of competition from our English counterparts. Good performances tomorrow will be vital to maintaining our position and status in university sport and support plays a massive role.

Entry is free. Directions and further details including a link to the full list of fixtures are on www.eusu.ed.ac.uk