Student SCOTTISH STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2007
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Week 5 21.10.2008
Staff leave in Potter’ row Anna McSwan
remains temporarily stable is in Northern Ireland. Using data from Adcourier, an online job posting system, onlinerecruiting.com has found the number of responses per job advert has increased by over 100 per cent over the last year. At the end of September, vacancies for graduates met an average of 32 applications per advert compared with just 15 over the same period last year. A survey recently published by recruitment agency reed.co.uk discovered that over 50 per cent of UK graduates’ greatest worry was not being able to find a job in the current economic climate. The study also found that one in four graduates would consider forfeiting between 2.5 per cent and 5.0 per cent of their pay in exchange for guaranteed job security for three years. The situation is not exclusive to the UK with graduate recruitment in the financial services industry drying up in the US.
EUSA HAS had major problems in retaining bar and steward staff at Potterow for the past year, Student can reveal. The union was so understaffed during Freshers’ week, one of the busiest times of year, that agency staff had to be hired instead of students for the first time in at least three years, at greater cost to EUSA. Even so, on one night student representatives had to be asked to help behind the bar. It has been claimed that the exodus is linked to a difficult working environment at Potterow. Most staff work for minimum wage, beginning from 7 to 9pm, serving for six hours on end and some cleaning for another two hours, often having to deal with an unappreciative clientele. Staff have claimed the situation has been exacerbated by decisions from upper management of EUSA including the cancellation of the staff party at the end of the festival in August, a period when staff would often work eight to ten hour shifts for six days a week. Staff drinks, where staff are given a complimentary drink at the end of a shift, were recently ended in an effort to cut costs, though this decision is still under review. “Potterow is a job with highly unsociable hours, little pay and a seeming lack of appreciation from our employers, who are supposed to have our best interests at heart”, said one former member of staff. George Thomas, Vice President Services of EUSA, confirmed that there were definitely agency staff hired but denied that EUSA is having problems in retaining long term staff. He described the outflow of staff as “perfectly normal”, claiming that “many staff leave at the end of every Festival, as many will be going into third or fourth year and decide that they need to focus on their studies”. He also said that; “obviously use of student staff would be preferable, as they would be more committed and know the venues better, the cost of agency staff is only marginally more expensive per hour, and offset by the fact that they are brought in for shorter periods of time.”
Continued on page 2
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>>Snowboarding in Bristo Square? Go to page 2 to find out more
Julia Sanches
Graduates feel the crunch New statistics show dramatic drop in recruitment Careers Service sounds note of caution over job prospects Stefan Hyman NEXT YEAR’S Edinburgh graduates will enter one of the most challenging job markets in recent history. As the British economy heads towards recession, some graduate recruitment programmes have been closed while the overall number of jobs available decreases. Some Edinburgh students have already felt the effects of the crunch. A fourth year French and Philosophy student found in June that his summer internship in a top New York advertising firm had been cancelled. After undergoing a lengthy application and interview process another fourth
year Economics student discovered that his internship in the Mergers and Acquisitions Department of Credit Suisse no longer existed since many jobs in the department were being culled. UK recruitment website www. monster.co.uk’s European Employment Index showed a decline in the amount of vacancies posted on graduate websites and job boards across the country over the last twelve months, with fewer vacancies in the banking, financial and insurance sector. Over the summer recruitment for Human Resources posts reached a two-and-ahalf year low. However, the highest drops were seen in positions directly related to the construction industry, for example in architecture and urban development, giving credence to claims that the troubled UK housing market will result in substantial job losses. Hugo Sellert, Head of Economic Research at Monster Worldwide, claimed: “the latest Index findings suggest that overall job losses are likely to intensify as the troubled financial
and housing industries continue to drag down the wider UK economy”. Nevertheless, where graduate opportunities are closing up in the private sector, the public sector is picking up the excess with rates of employment growing in defence, the community sector and clerical work. “Government recruitment is
“Overall job losses are likely to intensify” Hugo Sellert, economic researcher largely sticking to pre-determined programmes and is providing some stability to the job market in these shaky times“, commented Sellert. According to the Index the region worst affected in the UK is Wales, whilst job demand in Scotland fell in September for the sixth consecutive month. The only job market which
2 News
Student
Challenging climate for graduates Continued from front page...
There are reports of major American firms simply not attending careers fairs in major Ivy league universities. Back in Scotland, the large attendance and lack of cancellations at university Careers Fairs in Edinburgh, Glasgow and Strathclyde show that major recruiters are still interested in the UK job market. Shelagh Green, Acting Head of the Edinburgh University Careers Services, feels that “it is difficult to predict how tight the credit crunch is going to become, or how deep any recession will be; which means predicting impact on the graduate recruitment market is difficult. Any impact is unlikely to be evenly spread; the finance, property and legal sectors seem hardest hit at the moment”. However, “Many larger multinationals seem to be taking a more balanced view than in the past - when the market dipped in the late eighties and early nineties many of those organisations drastically cut back on graduate recruitment and suffered in the longer term”. Over the last few years the University of Edinburgh has boasted a good record on immediate employment following graduation, with 89% of students finding employment within six months of graduating. However, the statistics for the class of 2008 will not be available until next year. Nevertheless, Richard Wainwright, the CBI’s head of education and skills policy, claimed in The Times last week that “Just having a good degree isn’t good enough any more.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Winter comes early as Bristo hosts snowsports Lyle Brennan BRISTO SQUARE underwent an unlikely transformation last weekend, after more than 20 tons of artificial snow were shipped in for the finale of the Scottish Universities Dryslope Championships. After a day of competitive events at the Midlothian Snowsports Centre, finalists went head-to-head in an oncampus ‘rail jam’. The stairs in front of McEwan Hall were illuminated and converted to house a set of rails and ramps on which both skiers and snowboarders performed for judges and spectators.. Onlooker, Emily Forman, told Student; “It was unbeliveable, I was walking home from work and stumbled across snow in Bristo Square. It looked like a real winter wonderland.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Week 5 21.10.08
BNP pulls out of Edinburgh Anti-fascist groups claim victory, though party sets sights on Glasgow instead Jordan Campbell THE FAR-RIGHT British National Party (BNP) has scrapped plans to stand in the forthcoming Granton by-election to the city council on 6 November. The climbdown follows strident protests from various groups, including students at the University of Edinburgh, since 13 October, when the BNP announced their plans to stand for election in Edinburgh’s Forth ward.
“I don’t think that they attract much attention with their policies around here but of course it is their democratic right to stand” Allan Jackson, Scottish Conservative Councillor for Forth ward In a statement, BNP Scotland said: “We were going through a selection process to find a candidate [for Forth ward], but we decided to concentrate our efforts on the Baillieston election in Glasgow.” The Baillieston election fol-
lows the death of an incumbent Glasgow city councillor. A previous BNP candidature there led to large protests from Scottish anti-fascist groups. Officials from various trade unions had signalled their intent to protest against the party’s decision to field a candidate. Parties across Edinburgh’s political spectrum had voiced their concern at the BNP’s potential presence, which would have been the first time that a candidate from the far-right party had stood for election in the city. Allan Jackson, a current Conservative councillor for the Granton area, told Student he was not surprised by the BNP’s withdrawal. “I don’t think that they attract much attention with their policies around here but of course it is their democratic right to stand,” he added. The BNP believe in a complete halt to immigration, as well as standing for the reintroduction of capital punishment and national service. There is a record of public events involving the BNP, such as party leader Nick Griffin speaking in a debate at the Oxford Union, being picketed, typically involving large numbers of students. The BNP’s brief foray into Edinburgh politics comes after a period of unprecedented electoral success for the party, which now has 58 councillors in England, as well as a member of the London Assembly. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
BNP leader Nick Griffin
Hope for diabetes sufferers Sara D’Arcy SCIENTISTS AT the University of Edinburgh have made a breakthrough in stem cell research that could result in significant progress in the treatment of diabetes. Dr Josh Brickman and his team of researchers at the University’s Institute for Stem Cell Research and Centre for Regenerative Medicine have discovered a new method of developing stem cells that will
replicate the cells found in the liver and pancreas. Previous methods were unsuccessful, as the cells created developed as a mixture and therefore created tumours once in contact with bodily organs. However, the Edinburgh scientists have now discovered a way to purify the cells to reduce the risk of tumours. These new developments mean that purified cells can be produced from cell embryos under laboratory
conditions, and then used to treat diabetes in place of insulin. The embryonic stem cells will be used to replace the damaged cells in the pancreas that inhibit the natural production of insulin in those who suffer from diabetes. Dr Brickman stated that “for the first time, we have found a way to generate and purify precursors of liver and pancreatic cells.” He continues, “remarkably these cells can grow in a dish, providing
HARD-HITTING: The adverts used by Diabetes UK to warn the public against underestimating the dangers of the disease. Research by scientists at the University of Edinburgh could help to curb the rapid spread of diabetes.
a renewable source for future applications in medicine.” The development coincides with the launch of a hard-hitting campaign to raise awareness of diabetes in the UK. A series of adverts developed by the country’s largest diabetes charity, Diabetes UK, aims to inform the public of the serious consequences of the disease, which include blindness, heart disease and amputation. A recent report by the charity states that there are currently around 2.3 million diabetes sufferers in the UK, with a further 300 being diagnosed every day. The disease’s consequences are often underestimated, despite causing more deaths in the UK than breast cancer and prostate cancer combined. According to Dr Brickman, further research will need to be conducted before the University’s discovery can be used in the treatment of diabetes. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Week 5 21.10.08
News 3
Student
The end of Bristo skating?
Julia Sanches
GRINDING GEARS: Aside from snowboarding, Bristo Square is still home to warmer extreme sports. The new £750,000 Saughton skate park is intended to move skaters away from public areas like Bristo Square, but skaters have voiced concerns that the park will not be ‘insane’ enough for their tastes. The City of Edinburgh Council has so far received several complaints from worried Saughton residents.
Guy Rughani SCOTLAND’S LARGEST skate park could be built in Edinburgh’s Saughton district if plans are approved next week by the city council. In line with Glasgow, Dundee and Perth, the £750,000 70m by 30m facility will be the first free skate park in Edinburgh. The Edinburgh Skatepark Project (ESP) has been campaigning for the best part of a decade to get a decent concrete area where skaters can practise their sport. A spokesman for ESP commented that: “It’s embarrassing that Edinburgh doesn’t have an outdoor skate park.”
In Bristo Square, currently home to a healthy skating population, Student caught up with a number of skaters to see if the new park would tempt them away from their campus home. “In America they’d go insane and build really stupid stuff,” said one skater, “but here they’re too worried about health and safety – that’s why we’d probably still come to Bristo – it’s more of a challenge.“ An indoor park opened at Ocean Terminal a few years ago, but local skaters demand a more testing outdoor facility. If built, the new park will feature ramps matching the Bristo steps,
rails, tracks and a small spectator stand. Councillor Deidre Brock said: “Edinburgh’s skateboarders are a
“People think we are Neanderthal scum” James Watt, chemist and skater fantastic group of people who are as passionate about their sport as any golfer, swimmer or footballer and I am convinced that a new
outdoor skate facility at Saughton Park would be a valuable asset for the city.” Saughton residents aren’t so convinced, viewing the council’s plans as a trick too far. The threat of increased antisocial behaviour is a major concern for residents, despite police support for the project. Back in Bristo Square, James Watt, a third-year chemist and passionate skater comments that: “people think we are Neanderthal scum, and don’t want the wheels of our boards scraping anywhere near their neighbourhoods.” Designers at Saughton have done what they can to minimise
any neighbourhood disruption. Built below ground level and surrounded by “anti-skate” paths to contain the skaters, CCTV cameras are to be fitted to every park lamppost. Previous attempts to build skate parks in Edinburgh have failed, most notably the rejection of a scheme for Inverleith Park in 2006 which was rejected by residents following four grinding years of debate. Thus far, the council has received 520 letters of objection against the Saughton scheme.
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LSE report - ‘Students at top unis should pay more’ Alexandra Taylor STUDENTS OF Britain’s most prestigious Universities look set to feel the pinch as they may be expected to pay higher tuition fees than students of other universities. A report conducted by London School of Economics claims the rises would be justified as graduates from top universities are likely to earn significantly more than those from less successful institutions. The study comes as the number of the UK universities recognized in the top 200 of the 2008 Times Higher
Education-QS World University Rankings fell from 32 to 29. This has fuelled claims that universities will lose their world-class position unless ministers are prepared to support increases in funding levels. The LSE study analyzed the salaries of students graduating from university from 1985 to 1999. It was found that graduates from high-achieving universities could earn up to 6 per cent more than other graduates while students from Russell Group institutions could expect to earn up to 16 per cent more. The average graduate salary in
1999 was £22,828 and according to the findings, over a twenty-five period, a student could earn up to £35,207 in graduating from a leading institution. “There is a significant premium to attending a high-quality university over an average university in terms of the wages that graduates can command in the labour market.” The report also claimed: “There is some justice in requiring graduates to contribute to the cost of their university education, and in allowing different universities to charge different fees.”
This study promotes the end to what Chris Patten, the Oxford chancellor, claims is the “intolerably low” £3,145-a-year cap on tuition fees, as the Government is said to be reviewing all fees next year. The director general of the Russell Group,Wendy Piatt, described Britain as being in ‘real danger’ of losing its position against other competitors such as China and Germany. The additional cost would be used to fund necessary increases in staff salaries, which comprise over threefifths of University budgets. Without this funding, universities
would have to make cutbacks. The Economist reported that the University of Edinburgh is currently looking to ‘shed 35 of its 500 staff. Higher wages would satisfy the University and College Union, who agreed to a 3.2 per cent offer earlier this week and students would be expected to foot the bill for these rising costs. Although the potential benefits exist for students in the long run, pay rises could evoke serious costs for students in the near future. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Student
4 News
The Weekly Planet The week’s most pressing news. Compiled by Joe the Plummer during a lunch-break
Brad beats ‘Belly Bruiser’ burger Pennsylvania chef Brad Sciullo has wolfed down a gargantuan burger known as the ‘Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser’, which weighs over 7 kilograms. Sciullo has become the first person to ever finish eating the monstrous meal, which is available only in Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. It took him almost 5 hours to work his way through the giant burger, which requires several cups of mustard, relish, mayonnaise and ketchup to give it a suitable aftertaste. Asked why he took on the potentially life-threatening gastronomic crusade, Sciullo nonchalantly replied “I wanted to see if I could.” Source: Sky News
5, 000 ft long ostrich sandwich ‘gone in minutes’ Ostrich meat is popular in Iran, so an official attempt to break the world record for the longest ever ostrich sandwich ran into trouble when the event took place in a public park in Tehran. As the sandwich was being measured a crowd of people surged forward and devoured the entirety of the snack. Organisers were unable to stem the tide of hungry citizens and a Reuters witness said it was ‘gone in minutes’. Estimates had the length of the sandwich at 5, 000ft, and 2, 000 pounds of meat was used to stuff it. 1, 500 chefs were required for the job.
Week 5 21.10.08
Assets frozen in Iceland... Edinburgh Uni safe from Icelandic banking collapse James Ellingworth FIFTEEN BRITISH universities may be left millions of pounds out of pocket after the collapse of the Icelandic banking system. Following the collapse of Iceland’s three largest banks, the total amount invested in Iceland by the institutions stands at approximately £85m, with £30m lost by Oxford University alone. Other universities badly hit include Cambridge University, which has £11m at risk, as well as Manchester Metropolitan University (£10m), and the Open University (£6.5m). University of Edinburgh funds are, however, believed to be safe. Spokeswoman Anna Smyth told Student: “I can confirm to you that the University has no investments in Iceland.” While Gordon Brown has promised to secure individuals’ deposits in the troubled Icelandic banks, no such guarantee has been discussed for institutions, meaning that the chances of the universities affected recovering their investments are slim. The government has been keen to play down the situation. Universities Secretary John Denham said: “Certainly, no university faces a level of exposure that would raise questions about its continuing solvency.” “Students, businesses, charities
Flickr: Mydogminton KER-PLUNK: The Icelandic bank Icesave has hit the rocks and others may deal with universities with exactly the same level of confidence as before.” Many of the universities concerned have been keen to state that the losses will not affect day-today administration. Professor Brenda Gourley, vicechancellor of the Open University said: “There is no threat to the university’s operations and staff and suppliers will be paid as normal.” After the losses became known,
Oxford University’s director of finance, Giles Kerr called for greater government help for universities. In an open letter, he called on government bodies “to do all they can to protect the position of higher education institutions, which are vital to the country’s future prosperity.” The banks concerned, Landsbanki, Glitnir and Baugur, failed last week due to debt as a consequence of the recent global financial turmoil. Some in Iceland have blamed the
British government for precipitating the collapse after it emerged that anti-terror legislation had been used to freeze some of the banks’ UK funds. Other notable victims of the collapse have included local councils, whose losses are believed to be in the region of £800m, fifteen police forces, and the charity Cats Protection, which lost £11.2m. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
...as Edinburgh banks are bailed out Mairi Gordon
Source: Telegraph
Obese people eat more than slim people, study finds As study by Oregon Research Institute, University of Texas, Yale University and the John B. Pierce Laboratory has found that obese people eat more than non-obese people since they enjoy food less. Individuals with a certain gene are less likely to enjoy food than those without, and therefore eat more high-calories foods to compensate.
Source: efluxmedia Sophie Johnson
WITH BANKS struggling throughout the UK, concerns have been raised for the future of Edinburgh’s greatest financial assets, the Royal Bank of Scotland and the Halifax Bank of Scotland. The UK government has become RBS’s largest shareholder, threatening its position as one of Scotland’s oldest and most profitable independent banks. Roger Lawson, Director of the UK Shareholders Association, has warned that with RBS now under government control it will “not remain a Scottish bank based in Scotland.” Meanwhile a heated debate continues over the proposed deal between Lloyds TSB and the Bank of Scotland. A growing number of senior figures in business have signed a petition that will be sent to both the Scottish and UK government, demanding a reappraisal of the proposed takeover. Scottish tycoon Sir Tom Framer is one of many business leaders who have voiced their concern that the takeover could damage the future of Scotland’s economy. If the deal is passed however, it is
expected that the Bank of Scotland will move its headquarters out of Edinburgh. RBS and HBOS are the city’s biggest employers, after the University of Edinburgh and the Scottish Government. Residents fear that the banking crisis could have adverse consequences for the entire city. Graham Birse, the deputy chief executive at the Edinburgh Chamber of Commerce has warned that Edinburgh must, ‘reassert itself in world markets’ and maintain strong and independent banks. He says, “the best solution for our banks and for the rest of us is not to panic…its what we built up over 100 years and it won’t disappear in one crisis.” In Perth, at the SNP party conference, Alex Salmond attacked Gordon Brown for Scotland’s economic woes, saying that the Prime Minister had brought Scotland to the ‘brink of a recession’. For now Edinburgh residents and business leaders must wait and see what the crisis means for Scotland’s capital of finance Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
News 5
Crackdown on cannabis 2009 reclassification could mean heavier punishments for users James Ellingworth The government has announced new plans for tougher punishments for those caught in possession of cannabis, with £80 on-the-spot fines to be given out for a second offence. The proposals were laid out in proposals for the Penalty Notice for Disorder system, and if implemented would coincide with the reclassification of the drug as a Class B illegal substance in January of next year. The move comes only five years after cannabis was downgraded to a Class C drug. The proposed punishments would only apply to offenders in England and Wales, leaving Alex Salmond’s Scottish Government to decide whether or not to follow suit. Ministers have faced criticism over their decision to reclassify cannabis despite recommendations to the contrary from the government’s own independent Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. Home Secretary Jacqui Smith
Sophie Johnson
said: “While cannabis has always been illegal, reclassifying it to a Class B drug reinforces our message to everyone that it is harmful and should not be taken.” “This is the next step towards toughening up our enforcement response to ensure that repeat offenders know we are serious about tackling the danger that the drug poses to individuals.” Ministers have said they are responding to advice from police, and claim the regrading is justified given the increased strength of strains of the drug, which have been claimed to account for 80 per cent of the cannabis sold in the UK. While possession of a Class C drug is typically treated as a non-arrestable offence, the reclassification would require police to take tougher action in most situations. The maximum prison sentence for the possession of Class B substances currently stands at five years, as opposed to two years for those found guilty of Class C Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Cannabis legislation in the UK: a short history -1928: Cannabis is outlawed under the Dangerous Drugs Act of 1925, after fears emerged that it was as dangerous as opium.
-1968: A Home Office investigation concludes that there is no evidence of cannabis’s detrimental effects on humans or society.
-1971: The Misuse of Drugs Act lists cannabis as a Class B substance.
-2004: Downgraded to Class C under Tony Blair’s Labour government in an effort to concentrate police resources on combatting Class A drugs such as heroin and cocaine. This places the drug in the same class as Valium, GHB and certain diet drugs.
-2008: Concerns over mental health side-effects and the spread of the extremely strong ‘Skunk’ strain lead Gordon Brown’s cabinet to announce the 2009 reassignment of cannabis to Class B.
Minister: Universities to merge Glasto crime wave James Ellingworth DAVID LAMMY, the newly-appointed higher education minister, has warned that many universities will have to merge in the near future. Addressing a Universities UK (UUK) conference on the future of higher education, Lammy asked: “Do you have the right number of institutions?” “In the commercial sector there would have to be many mergers over the next few decades – far more than we have seen in higher education. Could more be done to encourage that among universities?” He also said he would be “surprised” if the number of
universities in Britain did not decrease over the next 10 to 15 years - “not necessarily mergers but new forms of partnerships or federations”, he added. Such moves would reverse a trend which has led to a profusion of new universities over the last 10 years, with many being formed from colleges linked to existing institutions. A recent example of higher education mergers came in August of last year, when Paisley University and Bell College merged to form the University of the West of Scotland. The university now comprises four campuses and a student body of over 18,000. Lammy, who was promoted from his previous role as Skills
Minister earlier this month, also called for “greater specialisation” in the university sector. He said that this would involve “choices about withdrawing from activities, choices which may be uncomfortable ones for those who have grown used to thinking about a traditional model of university.” The minister also drew on his own experience as a Harvard graduate in calling for UK universities to adopt an American-style system of asking alumni for donations, telling UUK delegates that: “The government has promised £200m to leverage funding from voluntary giving. That gives you a great opportunity.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Catherine McGloin CRIME AT Glastonbury Festival was up on last year, according to recently released figures. This year saw 489 reported incidents, the majority being theft from tents, as has been the case in previous years. It also included one robbery, two rapes and 177 drug offences. Despite Avon and Somerset Police reporting that crime was at its highest level since 2003, the number of arrests made was actually down in comparison to 2007, at 134. Many believe Glastonbury to be among the safest UK festivals, and despite these figures, police continue to stress that security is still their top priority. Sergeant Carolyn Crocker
pointed out that among the 170,000 festival goers, “99.7 per cent will return home having not been victims of crime”. Police believe slow ticket sales contributed to a rise in criminal activity, giving touts the opportunity to sell tickets to organised criminal gangs waiting on site. In an effort to combat such poor ticket sales, 100,000 tickets were released on 5 October, six months earlier than normal. Sara D’Arcy, an Edinburgh student who attended this year’s festival, said: “The people were lovely and my Glastonbury neighbours really looked out for me. On the last night there were no riots or setting fire to tents which you always get at Leeds or Reading.”
£1 million donation in race to save ‘Scotland’s Mona Lisa’ Catherine McGloin THE RACE to keep one of Scotland’s most valued pieces of art in the public eye was spurred on last week, after The Art Fund donated £1 million to keep Titian’s ‘Diana and Actaeon’ in the National Gallery of Scotland. This, the largest donation in the charity’s 105 year history, comes as a “huge boost” to the campaign according to John Leighton, Director of the National Gallery of Scotland, which has joined forces with London’s National Gallery in its efforts. The painting has been offered at £50 million - a third of its estimated value and a sum that these two galleries must raise before 31 December, or risk losing one of
the most important examples of Renaissance art from the renowned Bridgewater collection. To lose this painting, Leighton commented, “would be like the Mona Lisa being taken out of the Louvre”. ‘Diana and Actaeon’, along with its sister painting ‘Diana and Callisto’ were designed by Titian as part of a series for King Philip II of Spain during the sixteenth century and remain leading examples of his wide contribution to Renaissance art. The Duke of Sutherland, owner of the Bridgewater collection, has offered these two paintings for sale in a bid to raise £100 million. Whilst funds to secure ‘Diana and Actaeon’ must be found before the New Year, the galleries will have
until 2012 to acquire ‘Diana and Callisto’. If this is accomplished then the Bridgewater collection, which also includes works by Poussin and Rembrandt, will remain on public display for the next 21 years. If not then these masterpieces may once more be confined to private ownership. The Art Fund’s director, David Barrie, stressed that even in our economic environment it is important to make investments in these masterpieces to ensure they remain available to the wider public. Barrie said: “Today we have put our money on the table. Now others must come together if this extraordinarily important painting is to be kept where it belongs”. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
ENDANGERED: Titian’s 16th Century masterpiece, entitled ‘Diana and Actaeon’
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
6 News
King’s Buildings due for revamp Campus to see major changes in multimillion pound plan Juliet Evans FACILITIES ACROSS Edinburgh University are facing an overhaul, with tens of millions in university funds being pumped into the redevelopment of King’s Buildings and Easter Bush campuses. The council-approved master plan proposes changes such as state-of-the-art laboratories, new offices and research buildings and expanded parking space. There will also be an emphasis on enhancing the existing social facilities and developing more landscaped areas. Work is already underway with the modernisation of the Waddington Building due for completion in 2009. However the scheme, which is now open for public consultation, has encountered criticism. Doubts have been raised as to the usefulness of demolishing existing buildings which still seemingly have years of life in them. There are concerns that this money could be better spent
elsewhere or invested in teaching. In addition, there is constant pressure on the University to increase its ‘green’ credentials by limiting new buildings. Marcus Wild, environmental campaigner and maths student at KB, insists that ‘the University should be making it harder, not easier for people to travel by car’. In contrast many students have expressed excitement over the new ideas. Gavin King, a second-year Geography student, told Student he is pleased about the focus on enhancing the social atmosphere, explaining that currently the campus can have ‘quite austere and isolating feel.’ The new car parks will enable more to travel to lectures in the comfort of their vehicles during the cold winter months. This will simultaneously avoid the growing problem of parking on nearby roads, hopefully improving relations between the University and its neighbouring residents. Many say that replacing as many as 18 of the buildings, some of which date back to the 1930s and were originally built as hen houses, will prove to be economically and environmentally sound in the longrun.
The current buildings are furnished with single-glazed windows and flat leaky roofs which are a constant drain on the University’s budget. As it is, they require an abundance of fans in the summer and electric heaters over winter. By using modern materials, planners say the site will be more energy efficient. Planning convener, Councillor Jim Lowrie, commented that Edinburgh is a ‘top university and I think they need new buildings to maintain that’. Continuing the university’s current trend of redevelopment, the Dick Vet school is also about to be revamped in a £42 million project spanning a two year period. Earlier this week the Princess Royal visited the Easter Bush campus to officially open the construction work. The new clinical teaching building is to be situated adjacent to the Hospital for Small Animals, and will become a worldrenowned learning centre for vetinary students. Professor Elaine Watson, Head of the Vet School says the revamp will ‘strengthen the School’s position as a leading centre for excellence’. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
Features 7
STUDENT THE
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
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This week:
Boobs, Bangers, Baps and Breasts!
Students in sex binge horror S ex sells. It’s a succinct phrase, expounded by media moguls particularly within advertising, which has filtered down through several social strata, with the result that it can now commonly be found upon the lips of your average man or woman on the street. It’s an easy retort, uttered nonchalantly with a shrug of the shoulders, a stock phrase which can be plucked out to defend advertising which objectifies individuals and reduces them to sexual entities. It is a concept which has become increasingly normalised. But, is it as robust an idea as its extensive usage would suggest? And what implications does it have for gender relations today?
I consider the point after an outing to a George Street bar, where I was confronted with a piece of advertising which utilised the concept especially gratuitously. A double sided flyer informed the potential customer of four themed nights to be held by the bar, as well as giving a brief biography of the bar’s resident VDJ. The flyer looked like a piece of soft porn, and made me feel as though I’d unwittingly stumbled into some kind of strip club. There were no images of men anywhere, not even the one which accompanied the biography of the male VDJ. Instead, next to his name was a topless woman, heavily made up and with dyed blonde hair, with her back to the photographer so that she could turn and pout in a seductive manner. The most offensive of the images was one which was set alongside a James Bond themed evening, where two very airbrushed women pose provocatively on a table top in a casino setting, one lying on her back while the other kneels beside her, touching the first woman’s thigh, dressed in dominatrix style black clothing and clutching what looks like a cane. Such blatantly sexualised imagery
Tallulah Lines Protests Promiscuous Publicity
even penetrated the University of Edinburgh’s Societies’ Fair, where the Conservative society’s poster bore a pouting woman above the come-on “Life’s better under a conservative” Rationalised, the concept of sex really had no logical place within the promotion of the bar’s themed nights, and so I wonder what the PR directors hoped to achieve by utilising those photographs. Surely, nobody would be stupid enough to believe that the women used on the flyer will be present on any of the themed evenings, slinking through the throngs in their lingerie, exposing vast expanses of their clearly airbrushed flesh, eyeing punters seductively in the manner they do in the images described. I also doubt that potential customers would choose to drink in a certain bar because of those images; instead custom would be lured by the theme itself. Other pull factors would be the music played by the famed VDJ, or the drinks deals which are also advertised. In fact, I would guess - or optimistically hope - that such images would probably discourage more people than they would attract. Speaking among my friends, though, most said they would just accept and brush over the presence of the photographs, and that is, disturbingly, the key point. If people have come to expect their presence, that is not going to make a product more attrac-
tive. I could speak of subliminal advertising, but really the overly sexualised images of women displayed on the flyer were so blatant as to surpass the subliminal in any form. In reality then, due to their clear irrelevance to the nights advertised and peoples’ blind acceptance of them, all that the use of the images served to do was perpetuate the normalisation of women as sexual commodities, not figure as a main feature in attracting custom. The normalisation of women as sexual commodities is almost another stock phrase, akin to that of ‘sex sells.’ It is used often and applicable under many circumstances. Obviously, this is telling of the pre-eminence of the concept in our society. But it also detracts from the statement’s meaning it makes ‘women as sexual commodities’ an elusive thing, ungraspable and irrelevant to our everyday lives; those women are the other. However, the nights promoted were student nights, which immediately involves us. The University of Edinburgh is an institution persistently ranked among the highest in the world, and therefore the intellects of its students are clearly sufficiently developed. Yet female students are subject to advertising which reduces them to sexualised commodities.These women theoretically should be confident in their intellectual abilities. Yet research shows that they are
generally a lot less likely to speak in seminars or tutorials than their male classmates, or to hammer home an argument which is challenged in a group setting. There are a whole range of factors which contribute to this issue of female and male confidence, but that does not mean we should underestimate the power of advertising which consistently utilises women in an overly sexualised way. It is another tool to reaffirm the old but unrelenting idea that women are to be seen, men are to be heard. PR directors might tell us sex sells, but actually when analysed the concept is rather thin. There is often no logic behind it, and when images are so blatant then psychological tools like subliminal advertising are redundant. So in the end, we are left with images which are unnecessary as well as dangerous, debilitating and offensive, and their perpetual use affects important aspects of gender relations. Both women and men buy into the myth that women are objects and men do the serious talking. Why have we become so apathetic to this sentiment? The sexual objectification of women hinders female development as a whole. And really, if the most socially advantaged group of women studying at university level are reduced to sexual objects, what hope do the rest of the female population have?
Steven Jhobbs The Student can reveal that many students are unhappy with the feedback they are receiving on their essays. The Student can also exclusively reveal that some of the complainants have breasts. One such sexystudent suffering from shocking delays in getting her work back is Hannah Riley, a third year history of art student, whose turnons include sexy lingerie and constructive feedback on her coursework. When probed, she had this to say: “I like it when a man takes his time, but not when it comes to returning my essays!” Continued on Page 3
8 Features
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Student Features
Planes, trains and a ruddy good deal Mhairi Blair undertakes the Grand Tour for less than a grand
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YANAIR. AN airline infamous for having a less than luxurious outlook on life. Environmentalists regard them as the devil incarnate and bringers of the apocalypse; the more long-limbed of us struggle to stand straight after a long flight with them; and it won’t be long until they begin to weigh customers before boarding: “You’re two pounds heavier than you stated when you purchased your ticket, sir. That’ll be ten pounds plus tax. Enjoy your flight!”. However, let us confine this Ryanair-bashing to the dustiest corners of our memories. Utter the name to a student traveller, and stand back to watch a metamorphosis take place. Regard their tranquil smile; the multitude of happy memories lighting up their eyes; and most importantly; scarper before they begin to expound to you the eighth wonder of the world that is affordable air travel. If you are of the opinion the world is needing to purge itself of those annoying people who relate to you, ad nauseam, of their summer adventures, couple the name ‘Ryanair’ with ‘Interrail’ and see that traveller sink to the ground, writhing in a fit of ecstasy, at the memory of the unfettered bliss of train travel round Europe. The opportunities offered as a
result of affordable continental travel are limitless. Backpacking is not just a medium to explore a city, it’s a voyage of cultural discovery, a meeting place for the most diverse of individuals and perhaps most importantly, jolly good fun, what ho! Our trip began in Paris, with the ‘City of Light’ disappointingly overcast. The beauty of Paris lies not in the admittedly stunning monuments, but in the charmingly rustic buildings and inconspicuous churches; the bread-and-butter foundations to the ostentatious façade that Paris presents to the world. Outside the bustle of Paris lies Versailles, a symbol of the breathtaking decadence of the French Royal family. The crystalline incandescence of the Hall of the Mirrors (can there be any place more renowned to pose for a mirror-Facebook photo?) is slightly marred by the scant reference to the treaty that was signed there. The hidden joy of exploring tourist favourites such as Versailles is the titbits of information you can only stumble across whilst there. No hefty divorce battles for Napoleon: his solution to leaving his wife was having her painted out his pictures. Madonna, take note. So, from Paris to Berlin with Amsterdam in between. As a first impression, the neon brutalities of
Amsterdam don’t compare favourably with the old-style romance of Paris. The reality of hostelling shone through in Amsterdam - whilst sitting playing patience in the corridor of the hostel at 2am waiting for friends to return, a series of thuds sounded from the room next door. A girl emerged, holding a plastic bag, looking dishevelled but satisfied. She explained there was a rat in the bag, I explained why it was perfectly natural to play lonesome card games in the small hours of the morning, and a feeling of acceptance pervaded, no matter how bizarre the behaviour. With yet another border-hop behind us, we reached Berlin, fearsomely historical city that is oddly complimented by its cosmopolitan edge. Berlin is like a jigsaw of an Escher painting - the pieces will fit together to paint a city that is simultaneously modern but classic. It was in Berlin our resolve broke and we succumbed to the allure of Europe’s second largest department store. We left guilt-laden, but purses considerably lighter - our ‘Europe on a shoestring’ was shrunk to an even less substantial ‘Europe on a spaghetti strand’ budget - bread and cheese beckoned for the remainder of the trip. Delicious. Three hours on a train later and we
arrived in Munich, where the polar opposites of beer culture and the grandeur of Conservative Germany smash together to produce a city almost halved by wealth. Munich is delightfully kitsch - in the shop windows, Cavalli and Valentino pieces intermingle with ‘Lederhosen’ and the ‘Dirndl’. The traditional German atmosphere is intensified by the famous beer-halls. Fun fact no. 23A : the reason behind clinking your glass is not founded in some polite social custom ; it is in order to splash some of your drink into the other person’s glass, a not altogether hygienic custom, with a surprisingly practical basis. Back in ye olden times, when royaltypoisoning was rife, if some traitor had laced the King’s beer with poison, his would-be killer would perish with him, once the beer was transferred from glass to glass. Narrowly avoiding death from the poisoning scoundrels of Munich, we moved on to Vienna. Aimless wandering pervaded, punctuated by a swim in the Danube. Having caught every train with ease until this point in the trip, we has a slightly blasé attitude toward our eye-watering 6.30 a.m. departure time. After a desperate jog of ‘tube station, lost, tube station, still lost‘, we emerged onto a long
straight street with no indication of where the ‘Sudbahnhof’ train station was. Massive rucksacks are of course conducive to happy sprinting, but surprisingly, we managed jump on the right train with ten seconds to spare. Smooth. Our Viennese whirl over, our next port of call was Trieste in Italy, in order to be close for our flight home and relax at a beach for a few days. However, Ryanair’s game of ‘Pick-anairport-and-a-city-within-a-vagueradius-and-say-we-fly-from-there’ proved to be the metaphorical spanner in the works. Nevertheless, using our tentative Italian, we managed to navigate our way to the airport and bade goodbye to the continent. Perhaps the most prominent advantage of a backpacking holiday is the total freedom from tour buses and other tourists gimmicks. There is no better way discover a metropolis than when you have total liberty to delve into every nook and cranny. Each country’s unique cuisine never tasted so sweet as when eaten against a backdrop of its birthplace. Go forth and backpack, my friends. My parting shot is now something of a 21st century cliché : Interrail ticket £130. Flights : £100. Exploring a city with a knee-shattering rucksack: Priceless.
The Eras-Must have experience
Jenny Tzakova discovers there’s more separating Scotland and Denmark than the North Sea and Hans Christian Anderson
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HAT IS the real reason people go on exchange? To find new friends, experience a culture different from their own or simply to escape their old lives? For me, it is about getting the chance to create your own new reality. In Edinburgh especially, there are countless ways to engage in your interests and participate in various events. But at the same time it is hard to avoid the Erasmus prejudices (a mildly educational holiday abroad interspersed with bouts of alcohol-induced activities) and problems (such as setting up a bank account). I arrived here on a grey and rainy day, worried I wouldn’t find an apartment or interesting friends. Having moved to several different countries before, I was all too aware of the difficulties posed by a new beginning, but this experience ought to be different. “Erasmus exchange is an endless fiesta!” my friends cheerfully told me. But is it really? There are certainly negative aspects. The general opinion amongst threemonth Erasmus students is that the toughest problem facing them is finding suitable accommodation. There seems to be great reluctance to offer rooms for such a short stay, and to a degree, that
is understandable; from the perspective of a potential landlord, a succession of tenants entering and vacating the property four times a year must seem like a less appealing option than those seeking a year-long lease. However for exchange students, this can be hugely debilitating, with some forced into a semester of hostel-living. The prospect of having a safe, warm room waiting for you on arrival in a foreign country would be comforting, but unfortunately Edinburgh University only guarantees accommodation for long stay students. Considering they also happen to have the greatest chances of securing themselves a home on the private market, short-stay Erasmus students seem to lose out from every angle. Nevertheless, after days of trekking through the city, mounting anxiety and what seemed like hours of hopeful conversations with strangers, I found a home above Medina probably the most liberal club in town when it comes to opening hours. But the feeling of actually having managed the whole situation alone, moving to a foreign country, finding a new home and finally opening a bank account after a series of lengthy formal
procedures including your pet’s name, is completely worth the effort. It’s incredibly exciting. Of course I made mistakes in the beginning. I looked right instead of left when crossing the road, kept confusing Scotland for England – I’m not sure which mistake had more disastrous consequences - and had no idea what the bus driver was saying to me, ending up paying two pounds instead of one and certainly not getting it back. Then inspiration came. I got to see Edinburgh’s soul. There is an unbelievable energy to this city, so much life and countless opportunities. Through Erasmus, one can participate in a whole itinerary of arranged trips and pub crawls but if you are longing for something outside this well-structured and slightly superficial catalogue of tourist ventures, in Edinburgh you have ample opportunity to pursue it . I often feel overwhelmed by all the fascinating things there are to do here. The bookshops seem gigantic, offering literature on almost any topic and the music scene, although often judged to stand in the shade of “big sister” Glasgow, is extremely lively and diverse. The fact that so many venues exist, and consistently attract bestselling
artists whilst simultaneously providing a platform for local talent - bridges the divide between fans and musicians in a way that a bigger metropolis could not. That such a small city can encompass so much maybe depends on the university and student life being an influential part of its core. I’ve spoken to so many people studying different subjects, topics I would have liked to know more about like anthropology, English literature, and costume design. One person was even doing a MA in DJ-ing! Sadly, Erasmus students are limited to focussing on one discipline during their time abroad. In all honesty I came here not only because the university is excellent and the city beautiful but because I felt in Edinburgh, I could come closer to my dreams and develop my interests. Back home I am one of the few among my friends interested in indie music. A perfect example of how significantly the musical culture at home differs from that in Britain is a question I was once asked before leaving for a gig: “So what kind of party is that ‘Bloc Party thing’ you are going to?” In Edinburgh, people’s musical inclinations are at a very different part of the spectrum; indie music and
indie culture in general already seem to be the norm and are becoming increasingly mainstream. Another thing that bothered me at home, was that I couldn’t write for the student newspaper, because it was run by a strict sixty year old professor who had developed his own recipe for how a student paper should be prepared; namely to extract all issues students might be interested in, like culture or music, and add a large amount of dry news about professors winning prizes. Since I came here, I’ve pursued my interests at the same time as meeting lovely people. That is what student life in Edinburgh is all about. Before arriving, I couldn’t imagine that I would get to know as many great people as I already knew from Copenhagen. And yet, it has happened again. No matter if you’re at a café in Copenhagen drinking warm elderflower juice to Dylan, or hanging at the Wee Red Bar watching students in worn out purple Converse, it is important to remember interesting places are everywhere, and that each place offers the potential for meeting interesting people. You only have to keep your eyes open and, just in case, your return ticket close at hand.
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
Comment 9
Comment
Desperate corners, dark philosophy
Harriet Brisley
Mairi Gordon takes a closer look at immigration, asylum and the rise of the BNP
“Today’s immigration system has made legal ghosts out of tens of thousands of people living in the UK”
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any Granton voters will be sighing with relief at the news that the British National Party will not stand in the upcoming council by-election. However, politicians should still be concerned about this extremist group’s steady ascent to political power, not because the party demonstrates a resilient ideology - free debate would reveal how weak their thinking is - but because of the desperation it symbolizes on the part of those who feel utterly left behind in modern Britain. The BNP is no stranger to controversy; the party leader Nick Griffin and activist Mark Collet were brought up on charges of inciting racial hatred after accusing Muslims of “turning Britain into a multicultural hell hole”, saying “lets show these ethnics the door.” Yet court proceedings and protests do little to erode the party’s growing following. Debating the shifting boundary, legitimate expression and malicious intimidation serves as a distraction when it’s inaction and neglect on the part of major political parties that allows extremism of every hue to find sympathy in Britain’s most desperate corners. The prescription to wholesale neglect is common sense, radical action and compassion for British immigrants, asylum seekers and for the British
poor. Most parties have accepted that multicultural Britain is here to stay but have responded to the concerns of their electorate by introducing stricter standards for citizenship and stricter terms of access. Immigration has coincided with and helped to create a strong economy. Last year a joint study conducted by the Treasury, Home Office and Pensions Department found that immigrants were indeed an economic boon, creating £6 billion in yearly growth and making a net contribution of £2.5 billion in taxes. However the monetary benefits of immigration may help to conceal a darker truth: that government policy leaves huge numbers of migrants impoverished and vulnerable to exploitation. Illegal immigrants and asylum seekers experience another side of modern Britain, often forced into the shadows, without political representation and few legal rights. As the government promises a crackdown on illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers these individuals are placed in an even more precarious position. Without papers they have no identity, and most remain understandably fearful of the state. This fear makes illegal immigrants easy prey for gang leaders who force them to work in dangerous conditions for very little pay. Horror briefly
grips the nation when this abuse is brought to light, as it was when 23 Chinese migrants drowned while picking cockles in the rising tide of Morcombe Bay or when a further 58 Chinese men and women were literally ‘cooked’ to death, sweltering in the back of a smuggler’s lorry. Yet attention is hard to gain and harder still to keep for nameless victims of an invisible crime. Complaints are met with threats and violence from gang leaders, who know their workers cannot approach the police. When Derek Brown, a man charged with the murder of Xiao Mei Guo, a Chinese migrant, said he chose her because she was an illegal, an invisible victim that ‘nobody would miss” he phrased the problem with chilling accuracy. Failed asylum seekers face a similar existence, forced into deprivation at the edges of society. Those who are refused asylum but remain too fearful to return are left in destitution without accommodation, financial aid or the right to work (though the state offers a modicum of support, most are too fearful to accept even this small help). With no rights or proof of identity, they live in a silent, abject poverty. Today’s immigration system has made legal ghosts out of tens of thousands of people living in the UK. While the case for a more compas-
sionate system is hard to make at the best of times, our current economic crisis will surely tighten heartstrings and purse strings. Yet an immigration amnesty, that would offer rights and protection to illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers, has received support from a wide range of political figures, including Nick Clegg and Boris Johnson. It’s a bold solution and the right one. For a government to turn a blind eye to the suffering of people living within its borders is not only morally wrong but also incredibly dangerous. With nowhere else to turn, vulnerable individuals will be forced into the hands of criminals, gangs and extremists. A similar lack of alternatives motivates British voters to support extreme parties, like the BNP. Politicians should pay attention to the words of one single mum who said she would vote for the BNP if her kids weren’t of mixed race. It’s not the ideology of the party that rings true with British voters, but the fact that they are at least still listening to the complaints echoing from crowded council estates and overburdened families when the mainstream powers seem determined to tune out and switch off. And their complaints are hardly trivial. Since the right-to-buy scheme was introduced in 1980 a total of 750,000 council homes have been
lost without replacement. Meanwhile demand for affordable and social housing continues to grow. While only five per cent of social housing goes to recent arrivals to the UK, immigrants provide a convenient scapegoat. Politicians can rail against an overly generous immigration system and exonerate themselves from a chronic housing shortage of their own making, one that no political party seems willing to fix. Similarly they can distance themselves from the complaints of the overworked and underpaid. Gordon Brown may have promised “British jobs for British workers” but how helpful is such pledge when the cost of living so drastically outstrips the national minimum wage? Poverty and exclusion fuel extremism of every hue. The same forces that cause a voter to support the BNP could just as easily prompt a youth in Bethnal Green to adopt religious extremism, or a youth in Maryhill to adopt gang violence. Radical action, guided by justice and compassion for every single person living in the UK and not just those who are easy to see and whose needs are easy to meet is the only possible solution. Politicians should act soon. If they fail to, darker forces will always fill the gap. comment@studentnewspaper.org
Student
10 Comment
Week 5 21.10.08
Comment Poignant or Pathetic? As the EUSA AGM approaches Ben Miller and Alan Williamson debate the significance of our student political scene
Stand up for your rights...
People and Planet’s Ben Miller defends campus activism and urges involement in student politics
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oronic’. ‘Hysterical’. ‘TOTALITARIAN’. It’s hard to know where to begin when responding to the recent cheapshot and staggeringly misinformed articles about student activism. Let’s start with some facts. People and Planet are just one of the many active societies campaigning on campus. There is not, and never has been, a P&P‘block vote’, just as there is no single homogeneous opinion among those involved in the society. If you were to venture along to a meeting you’d find a largely-female, tea-loving, slightly chaotic group of students simply wanting to do something – anything - to right some of the countless injustices that sadly still exist in our modern 21st century world. Societies such as P&P do this through raising awareness and allowing informed discussion and debate in an intellectual environment. Many discussions lead to physical action being taking in a more public arena. Through exercising the democratic right to participate in protests, demonstrations and boycott one can allow marginalised issues of social, political and economic importance reach a wider audience. P &P do not go around trying to ban things. The only company you haven’t been able to find in EUSA shops for at least the last five years is Nestle, and for a good reason. This huge retailer has been internationally condemned for its aggressive and reckless market-
ing of powered breast milk substitute (which often ends up mixed with dirty water) in developing countries. Across the globe, UNICEF reports that 4000 babies die every day from inadequate breast-feeding. In contrast, P&P has also been the driving force behind all the positive moves that EUSA and the University have made on stocking Fairtrade products.
There hasn’t been a motion on Coca Cola for the last two years and it’s unlikely to make a comeback. Like most multinationals, this one is wrecking lives in distant places. Sadly though, the tiny percentage of the population who don’t drink the stuff are more likely to be concerned about wrecking their teeth. Accusations of rent-a-mob voting at
AGMs seem a bit daft when motions like this one were voted down by students. Mob rule? Yep, and high on sugar too. Current P&P campaigns on RBS’s love of fossil fuels and Topshop’s love of sweatshops are quite specifically not calls to boycott. Students are vitally important to the brands involved; hence P&P hopes their targets will
listen and take steps towards positive change. Whether carbon crunch or credit crunch, these problems don’t fix themselves and students are uniquely placed to play a part. The two General Meetings each year are only a tiny fraction of EUSA’s engagement with students. If Alan Williamson (see below) wants to bring a motion on cheese sandwiches then great, but it would be much easier to just speak to the shop manager. For the other 99% of the year, all those who give up their time to volunteer through EUSA are trying to get you better teaching, facilities, course feedback and great entertainment. Critics love the quote ‘the reason student politics is so bitter is that the stakes are so low’. What complete rubbish! There are about 50,000 students in Edinburgh. That’s a lot of Fairtrade coffee, student debt and tuition fees. Should the student funding debate be left to the likes of University topbods like Chris Patten of Oxford University who last week described the cap on English tuition fees as ‘intolerably low’? IfAlan really doesn’t think it’s worth caring about the many global and local challenges we face then he is free to stick to his joystick. I’d invite dissenters to read up, get up and get busy.
Zeenath Ul Islam comment@studentnewspaper.org
...when it’s worthwhile Alan Williamson explores the causes of apathy amongst students
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USA elections were happening the other week. You’re forgiven for not remembering. The EUSA midterms are always an underwhelming affair, since everyone knows student politics are only interesting for precisely three weeks every year during sabbatical elections. Remember the controversy with Adam Ramsay last year, flyering Pollock Halls when he shouldn’t have been? Or when Harry Cole was unmasked as the mastermind behind EUSAless, that venomous anti-EUSA blog that he encouraged the other presidential candidates to sign a petition against? Those naughty boys. It’s all right to let Ramsay off the hook though, he seems like a nice chap and has emancipated countless overpriced vegetables throughout the city. Still, sometimes I feel like we live in this microcosm that resets itself every
September like an extended episode of The Simpsons. It seems that student apathy has reached its predictable mid-semester high. It’s considered an achievement when 30 People and Planet members get a Topshop promotion shut down. 30 out of 25,000! There’s democracy in action.What happened to the other 24,970? The EUSA AGM is coming up soon and that means one thing: a motion to boycott Coca Cola from the campus (gotta love them for trying). If I remember correctly one of the main issues in past years was the university buying mineral water from Eden Springs, a company associated with dodgy practices in the Golan Heights. Here’s an easy solution to that one: there are pipes throughout the University literally bursting with tap water, ripe for the
drinking! Hook a water cooler up to the mains and filter the tap water for those with delicate palates. Problem solved. If anyone has been to a EUSA AGM before, you will be familiar with the traditionally low turnout associated with them. Why? I don’t believe that there are people out there who genuinely don’t care about any aspect of University life. If anyone disagrees with me, I encourage you to start a campaign to raise the price of alcohol in the Students’ Unions and see what happens. However, what I do believe is that they don’t care much about Coca Cola polluting water supplies or oil companies funding the Burmese junta with our money. Of course these are important issues and we certainly should care about them, but they don’t seem to resonate with the student corpus at
large. So we have to ask ourselves the question: what are the issues that students here really care about? If we continue let our AGMs be dominated by unpopular motions against Coca Cola and Eden Springs then we’re in danger of letting a vocal minority supplant the silent majority. After all, if boycotting Coca Cola really mattered that much to the student body there would be hundreds of people queued outside George Square Theatre each year, indignant, drinking Pepsi. Allow me to suggest some issues that people might actually care about and would be worthy of discussion at a EUSA AGM. Why does the university proclaim itself as ‘green’ when it leaves hundreds of computers and lights running every night for no good reason? Why do EUSA think it’s a good idea to distribute society funds using the Soc Card system, re-
placing actual need with a Library Bar burger-eating contest? Why is the current library layout based on a failed design from The Crystal Maze’s Medieval Zone, with nary a crystal in sight for those brave enough to make it to the current lending stock? Why are there never any copies of the Independent or cheese savoury sandwiches in Potterrow? I can’t be the only one that loves those things! The mindset we’ve got ourselves into that most students couldn’t care less is a delusion. I know countless students that are full of passion, be that for academic excellence, environmental welfare, sport, or in my case playing computer games until my eyes fall out. We aren’t apathetic; we’re just waiting for something worth caring about. comment@studentnewspaper.org
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Comment 11
NUS reforms will open doors Wes Streeting
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Zeenath Ul Islam
Debate’s the thing... Henry Birkbeck gets into the thick of the US presidential debates and explores what they could mean for the candidates and thier country
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s Election Day in the United States appears on the horizon of the weekly calendar, the scramble for uncommitted American voters has reached its apex. The three presidential debates have now come and gone, and while there may not have been any crucial knock-out blows, the statistics are beginning to fall into place, and the opposing sides are reacting accordingly. Obama is pulling ahead with strength, according to most sources, and while the rest of the world nears the edge of its seat, in preparation to celebrate the conclusion of Bush’s double term, the voters of America prepare to choose his successor. The media may be claiming this election to be fierce and tight, but what of the last serious battle for the White House? With John Kerry dismissed with relative ease in 2004, it is perhaps worth taking a look back to the turn of the millennium. This time eight years ago, George W. Bush and Al Gore went head-to-head in their presidential debates, which were arguably more heated and tense than those of the last month. Discussions of the economy prompted W. to repeatedly use the term “fuzzy math” in reference to Gore’s economic figures, infuriating the latter, who often sighed heavily when Bush was given the limelight. This
became a catchphrase, as Bush never offered an explanation as to what was so fuzzy about Gore’s policies. Living in the states at the time, I remember watching one of the debates on TV, and even at the tender age of 13, thinking Bush sounded – how shall I put this – a bit bewildered about the subject. Ironically, the Bush administration now has plenty of its own “fuzzy math” to cut through, and with the economic climate as it is, both Obama and McCain have to be incredibly careful not to follow in their President’s footsteps, and to avoid such political mistakes. Barack Obama has been receiving huge amounts of press, support and funding for some time now, and Europe seemed to document his race with and eventual victory over Hilary Clinton almost as frantically as the US did. But as he reaches a position in which he could exercise some confidence – of the two presidential candidates, he seems to have the upper hand – he must not underestimate the so-called “Maverick” (interestingly, the word actually means either a person who refuses to conform to a political party, or an unbranded calf; John McCain is, I hope, neither of the above). McCain’s strategy in recent months has been to attack relentlessly, and use whatever means necessary to secure the Presidency.
McCain’s website has a section entitled “Barack Obama: Rhetoric vs. Record”, in which Obama’s claims are contrasted with his actions, supposedly exposing him as a hypocrite. And then there’s the tenuous link to William Ayers, the 1960s radical – and “antiAmerican terrorist” – who Obama “worked closely” with (they served on the same educational committee). As a result, the McCain-Palin 2008 camp has developed an unwanted reputation for making personal and unnecessary stabs at their opposition, actions that may have created a backlash. In addition, they need to tread carefully or they risk exposing themselves as hypocrites, too. If we rewind to the 2000 campaign again, we find McCain battling Bush for the Republican Presidential candidacy, with a similar level of rivalry to that of Obama and Clinton. McCain seemed to be in good footing, until vicious rumours concerning his personal life were circulated, causing him to lose the South Carolina primary. This turned out to be a pivotal point in the race, and McCain withdrew from the candidacy on 9 March, 2000. The Bush administration denied any involvement with such rumour spreading, but the incident left McCain licking his wounds, nonetheless. Coming from someone who learned the
hard way about unfair political tactics, he should be more cautious this time around. This gripe with the current President is yet another reason, then, that led to McCain announcing one of his boldest statements thus far. In the third presidential debate, McCain told his rival: “Senator Obama, I am not President Bush. If you wanted to run against President Bush, you should have run four years ago.” The implications of this statement are significant because – perhaps begrudgingly – McCain has, for the most part, supported Bush since his own withdrawal in 2000. But now that Bush’s ratings are at an all-time low, McCain has the chance to break away and secure something he’s been chasing for almost a decade. Of course, the big question is who will emerge triumphant? By most accounts, Obama seems more likely at this stage, especially as a result of the debates, all three of which he reportedly won. This being said, Obama’s cool, collected strategy, the so-called “John F. Kennedy-meets-Martin Luther King Jr.” approach, will have to push forward steadily with McCain, the feisty Maverick underdog, incessantly yapping at his heels. comment@studentnewspaper.org
he National Union of Students is your organization; you elect the leaders and you make the decisions that shape our campaigns and assist students on issues ranging from finance to housing. It is no secret that for over a decade, NUS’ members have been clamoring for change. We have suffered from poor management decisions, a lack of clear direction, inaccessibility and structures more adapted to 1922 than 2008, NUS has been failing to deliver on key issues. When we launched NUS’ reform process last year, Students’ Unions from across the country enthusiastically fed into the process. Our proposals were developed, and amended, in response to members’ feedback, and voted on at an extraordinary conference. But then at our Annual Conference our reform proposals narrowly failed to be passed, missing out on the two-thirds majority necessary. Although the margin of defeat was small, we took the opportunity to listen to our members and following the conference we began to seek feedback on the review and to get thoughts on where to go next. We have considered all the feedback, made a host of changes and are proud to announce new proposals to reform NUS. This reform is so important for our national union as in just a few months we will have a huge fight on our hands: to rescue our higher education system from being corrupted by market forces and to prevent a future where the most esteemed universities are only accessible to the very rich. Next year’s review of higher education funding will be our first chance since 2004 to fight the unsustainable top-up fees system, and we must be prepared for the battle that lies ahead. We are working hard to ensure that the cap on tuition fees is not lifted and that a fairer and less complicated system of student support and fees is implemented. We need a national union fit to win for students and students’ unions, and for this reason I urge you to back the proposals and encourage your elected officers to choose change, because it is time that NUS deliver. We’re opening our doors to give you more opportunities to play an active role in NUS. We want your thoughts on our plans so that you, and future generations of students, get the NUS they want and the NUS they need. Wes Streeting is NUS National President comment@studentnewspaper.org
Student
12 Interview
Week 5 21.10.08
A barrel of laughs
In anticipation of his own BBC show, online cult hero Limmy talks to Fern Brady about his transition from web designer to successful comedian. “SEE THESE people who are on the telly, how the fuck do they get on the telly? They start somewhere... I mean, they’re no just born intae fuckin telly aristocracy or that.” According to Brian Limond more commonly known as Limmy - it was this thought that compelled him to start making the videos that earned him a loyal YouTube following, two Edinburgh Fringe shows, and now his own TV programme. It was back in 2000, while working as a web designer, that he registered his own website, limmy. com. Boredom led to the creation of numerous Flash toys, including a swearing xylophone that gained cult status as far south as London. In 2002, the purchase of a camcorder led to the creation of videos like What Would You Do? which sees a sinister moral debate take place between Limmy and a toy snowman. By 2005 his job led him to travel, and it was then that he resolved to make it in comedy on his return to Glasgow. Shortly after his arrival back home, an idea to represent the varied characters of his native city was turned into the World of Glasgow podcasts, a series which went to Number 10 in the UK iTunes chart and earned him national press’ attention as one of the rising stars of new media. While the English press praise the 32-year-old for his innovative use of the Net as a vehicle for comedic success, his popularity in Scotland seems to derive from the fact that his work is markedly different to other successful Glaswegian sketch shows. Programmes such as Chewing the Fat and Still Game offered up painfully unfunny concoctions of tired Scots stereotypes and jokes about schemies. While Limmy undoubtedly draws from this heritage, his work represents the darker underbelly of Scots identity, often depicting pessimism, mental illness, and social alienation. Additionally, you get the sense that he doesn’t confine himself to only writing material relating to Scottishness. As a result, this has allowed his Fringe and TV material to become funnier than ever, most memorably in a piece where he concludes a bizarre email correspondence with Dave Gorman by calling him a “patronising fucking wank”. As he talks me through each stage of his career, a pattern becomes evident, one in which Limmy alternately courts and then rejects success. This year’s Fringe saw his second hit show, yet the prevailing gossip on Edinburgh’s comedy scene was that Limmy detested live performance and was only coaxed into it with the offer of healthy amounts of cash. “I said ‘aye’...well, I mean, after I said ‘no’. Then I said, ‘Fuck it, I’ll do it.’” This is a recurring mantra in our interview and is always mentioned
at the point where his career took unprecedented steps up the ladder. It is difficult to distinguish which of two contradictory statements to believe: did he set out with the express intention of becoming famous or was his past aversion to live shows a shying away from unexpected success? For the most part, it is the lat-
Some people are intae all this intellectual fucking comedy but I just like to see somebody standing on a nail - fucking hysterical ter that frequently rings true as he expresses surprise at the relative rapidity of his success. “See Jet, you know the band Jet?” I know them, yes. “The tour manager of Jet is from Scotland and he said ‘Jet have seen your stuff, I’ve showed Jet your videos and that.’” At this point he pauses nervously. “You know the band Jet? They’ve got a few hits, their main one was that Are You Gonna Be My Girl.” Once he’s assured I’ve heard of them, he continues with an anecdote that involved clambering on stage at the Carling Academy to introduce the band, only to be booed off by hundreds of disgruntled Jet fans following a cringe-inducing air guitar performance.
I thought they’d say ‘well, we like your stuff but obviously we haven’t got a clue what you’re saying and you’re too violent’ Curiously, he describes the experience as “exhilarating: it was like a dream where you couldn’t get hurt”. In a way, you can see what he means: having gone from a small legion of devoted online fans to 2000 people who had no idea who he was, came as an inevitable shock to a man who has admitted, both in his live material as well as in past interviews, to harbour a dread of heckling. Surviving the heckle of a lifetime, however, turned out to be ideal preparation for a stint at the Glasgow Comedy Festival (a gig where the chances of getting booed were unlikely: the tickets sold out within the first hour of going on sale). For the sake of long-time Limmy fans, I need to ask him about one of his most popular videos, Beatboy, an inexplicably funny piece in which a clip of Limmy dancing is played on
an endless loop opposite an image of a man in a suit. “The company I used to work for had an office in St Vincent Street in Glasgow and it backed onto a lane next to a restaurant. I was just watching all the people passing down the lane and I got my video camera out. There was this guy walking - no pure camp but kinda like ‘Look at me’ and I thought ‘Check the state of him, man.’” Has he had any accusations of homophobia in his work (his site also features a Photoshopped image of naked Limmy having sex with multiple other naked Limmys)? “Some of the stuff I dae, it does kinda look like I’m taking the piss out of gay folk but it’s cause I like it, I like gay things and I’ve always liked stuff like that.” He explains this with such sincerity that it would be unfair and somewhat reactionary to say that his work is biased, particularly when so much of it focuses on people who live on the margins of society. “I’ve got a certain personality where I kinda come out with stuff in front of other people and I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m no saying, ‘I’m all unique and weird and special’. I’ve got a kinda sadistic side.” I ask if he’s been at all influenced by Chris Morris’ work in The Day Today and Brasseye, as his more recent material has displayed the same unusual combination of childish mischief with a razor-sharp intelli-
gence. While he can see the similarities and confesses to watching Brasseye a few nights ago, he also says that “I like Laurel and Hardy. Some people are intae all this intellectual fucking comedy but I just like to see somebody standing on a nail. That’s fucking hysterical.” While it’s true that many Limmy videos contain elements of slapstick, they almost always have a pervasive sense of melancholy running through them. He admits that he likes things “like fights and things going wrong and madness. It just all comes from myself and the fact that I like uneasy situations.” It seems important to point out that the heavy Glaswegian accent you
hear in Limmy’s material is in no way performative or exaggerated. This comes as something of a surprise, and I wonder if he has encountered any difficulties with TV execs during the negotiations over the forthcoming Limmy’s Show. “I’d been kinda waiting for something like that to happen. With BBC Scotland I thought whoever gives us a telly thing - if it ever happens - is gonna say ‘Well, we like your stuff but obviously we haven’t got a clue what you’re saying and you’re too violent and it’s just too horrible.’ But the guy at BBC Scotland’s pure brand new, so I’ve not came up against any kind of bullshit. There was another production company down in London that were a wee bit shite but not for any pure wanky reason.” Seeing my look of disappointment, he laughs. “I’d like that to happen so I could give you an interesting answer.” Limmy worried that he’s no longer entertaining? He needn’t be. With his name popping up in various ‘coolest people’ lists (he is number 37 of ‘200 coolest things’ in this month’s edition of Arena magazine) and the move to TV making him a household name, restricting Limmy’s success to the margin of ‘internet phenomenon’ will soon be a thing of the past. Limmy’s Show will be broadcast next month on BBC Scotland.
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Interview 13
One flew over the Bird’s Nest
Neil Pooran speaks to Iain Thom, the Edinburgh graduate who left the Chinese authorities redfaced at the Beijing Olympics
Unfurling a ‘Free Tibet’ banner on your local high street is one thing. Travelling to China and unfurling it amid the tightest security operation in the world while dodging the clutches of military police is quite another. The latter option is what recent Environmental GeoSciences graduate and long-time pro-Tibet activist Iain Thom chose. His protest was one of the few acts of defiance that managed to sneak past the censors at the Beijing games. Images of him scaling the lamppost outside the Bird’s Nest stadium and news of his subsequent arrest were widely reported throughout the world media. Now working for campaigning group ‘Students for a Free Tibet’ Thom strives to keep Tibet and China’s human rights record on the political and moral agenda, as his Beijing stunt achieved so well. Speaking to him in Edinburgh recently, I asked what drove him up that pole in Beijing. “The Olympics were seen by the whole Tibetan freedom movement as a historic opportunity, and that’s no exaggeration,” he said. “We knew that the world would be focused on Beijing during the Olympics.”
A couple of the policemen told me: ‘If you were a Chinese citizen you’d be treated much worse’ and we knew that “Our campaign said ‘no torture in Tibet’, after what had happened in March with the Tibetan uprising and the subsequent crackdown by the authorities. As part of that campaign us and a couple of Americans travelled out to Beijing to do this action. “There are hundreds of Tibetans in exile around the world that wanted to do the same thing and had been trying to apply for visas to get in. But the problem is, if you’re a refugee and you don’t have papers it’s very difficult to get a visa. “However there are a lot of Tibetans who do have Western passports, but we realised after a while that the authorities were systematically denying visas to anyone with a Tibetan name. Since all Tibetans were being denied entry, Westerners ended up doing most of the action” Thom’s interest in the Free Tibet movement began at University, and a visit to Tibet in 2007 solidified his support for the cause. “I was part of the Tibet society at Edinburgh University and that’s what inspired me to get involved. I went along to a few talks and film screenings and got more and more involved. After that I went out to India and Tibet. When I was there I found that all the signs were written in Chinese, yet Tibetans couldn’t speak or read Chinese. I also saw the government’s at-
tempts to relocate the nomads, to try and settle them…those guys are just not happy, they just want to live their lives.” Not wanting to pass up an opportunity like the Olympics, Thom and a small group of activists travelled to Beijing with the intent of breaking the veil of silence which existed around the legacy of the Tibetan uprising. But what would cause the most impact at the right time? “We knew that we wanted to do a symbolic action and the Bird’s Nest stadium was the most symbolic structure in Beijing. So we wanted that photo. We knew what we were doing, we’d planned it pretty carefully and our aim was to get as much media coverage as possible.” An enormous ‘lighting pole’ outside the famous Bird’s Nest stadium was to be the target. But before the activists could begin the process of shimmying upwards there remained the process of entering the country. “We brought everything in from Britain, including my climbing equipment. I was a bit worried at the airport but it was just one of the risks I was going to take. I used to be part of the University’s climbing club as well so I was going to explain to them that I was on a climbing trip.” Thom and his fellow protester Lucy Fairbrother were far from the only demonstrators in Beijing at the time, yet few managed to make as high-profile an impact as the pair. “There were other activists doing other protests during the Olympics and we were staggering them, though I didn’t see anyone else. We didn’t want to jeopardise them in any way; if we were compromised we wouldn’t want to compromise their action as well.” Though when the time came to put the plan in motion, everything appeared to go smoothly. “The pole was on a motorway intersection at the entrance to the Olympic stadium. We did the action at 5:30 in the morning, that’s when we wanted to start climbing the poles. “We had to climb a sort of grassy bank and jump a couple of small fences and barriers to get to the pole. We’d scouted the area and we knew that 6am was when the guards and the security were stepped up, so we went at 5:30 when there were no guards surrounding that side of the road. We approached the poles without any issue and we just started climbing them as fast as possible before we were approached by the police.” “I had the harness on me from the hotel, so I just walked up, set up the climbing system and started to climb up the lamppost. It took about 40 to 45 minutes to actually climb it and I think in total I was on the pole for about an hour and a half” Thom’s banner read ‘One World, One Dream, Free Tibet’ but the authorities were keen to get rid of it, and him, as soon as possible. “There was a massive police response, and after about half an hour the fire brigade came with a cherry
picker. When that raised up to come and get me that was when I decided ‘Ok, it’s a lot safer for me to let myself down rather than be pulled of by that guy in the cherry picker.’” Fairbrother constituted Thom’s ground team and relayed the police’s messages up to him via walkie-talkie, most of which ran along the lines of ‘get down now’. After Thom descended all of the group were taken into police custody. “I got taken into detention and held in some kind of weird confidence room for about 19 hours. We were not allowed to speak to each other so there was no communication between each of us. We were interrogated for about three hours and filmed during our whole interrogation. The police were very even-handed with us; I was never threatened or physically touched.” Fortunately for them the group had managed to get coverage of the protest from several journalists in the city at the time. Their images were being beamed around the world as they sat in their interrogation rooms, a fact the Chinese police were acutely aware of. “We knew that the media were covering it, they knew the media were covering it. It would be terrible PR for them to hold us for too long or to treat us badly at all. “A couple of the policemen told me: ‘If you were a Chinese citizen you could be expected to be treated much much worse’, and we knew that. Since we had international passports we had some protection.” Despite the protection his citizenship offered him, Thom admitted that the protest was a scary experience. “I was a little scared, though it was mostly the lead up to getting there. I think once I got my visa, it sunk in a little bit. Taking my time off work, it sunk in a little bit there as well. “While I was doing it was a bit like being on automatic pilot because I’d thought through every scenario, we’d planned everything so precisely that I didn’t need to think at the time”
The activists were eventually released back to Britain and were warmly welcomed by their families. As the Olympics move to London, China’s human rights situation remains largely unchanged, yet Thom and the group nevertheless feel their demonstration was a success. “If there was any time that the Chinese government didn’t want Tibet to be in the media it was two days before the Olympics. We started the stories on that and on human rights there. Obviously there’s still a long way to go but the protest in itself was a massive success. “There’s always a chance to improve things. Tibet as an independent
country? That’s a far-off dream for a lot of Tibetans but it remains their aspiration. Regimes rise and fall; the USSR and apartheid fell when people in those countries would never have foreseen that happening. “I’m not saying that’s going to happen and I’m not saying that’s a good thing either. But changes with policy on religious freedoms and media freedoms are possible. If Tibetans were just treated as equals and other Chinese citizens then that would be an improvement.” Was Thom’s protest mere gesture politics? Absolutely, but perhaps it was just the right gesture at just the right time.
Iain Thom after returning to Britain from custody in China.
The 120 foot ‘lighting pole’ took 45 minutes to climb.
Tontine
Featuring Victorious Fridge Poetry, Stories from a hatless future, Golden events of the literary kind and enough free verse to feed the “Free World...”
“Life’s not a paragraph And death i think is no parenthesis.” - e e cummings
How Polly Discovered The Caves’ Secrets
Sonya Hallett
Jonny Stockford Polly was off on another adventure with Jasper on a clear and blustery Sunday afternoon in mid-October, following the stream South of her parents’ home towards the forests and caves of her homeland, not far East of a place called Wrangell Island. Away from the few houses and neighbourhood stores dotted around her local village, the stream widened so that it could only truly be called a river. The flow of the water was slower here, and she and Jasper could no longer jump across the flat stones raised on the bed without getting into icy cold water. After two hours walking, they had entered the forest, and were approaching the caves, the limestone bedrock becoming more visible as pines and spruce became more sparse. Polly was aware of goose bumps forming on her arms like braille out in the clearing. She collected some flowers for her mum, tied them up with a pliant piece of bark, and placed them in a small pouch on her red dress to protect them from the breeze.They crossed a large felled tree which was acting as a bridge over the river, and
spotted the first cave, situated about ten metres above the ground, a narrow tubular entrance in the limestone. They clambered up the rockface and crawled inside the narrow passage. Jasper sniffed around the tunnel, barely visible in the dark. He came back a minute later with what looked like a small branch of pale wood. On closer inspection, it was a fossilised fishbone, about five centimetres long, but in near perfect condition. “I wonder how old this is?” she thought out loud. “I bet there haven’t been fish anywhere near this cave for hundreds or maybe thousands of years.” Jasper looked at her, proud of his find. Polly placed the fishbone in her pouch and clambered out of the cave. It was getting dark now. They walked further on, as the ground sloped down into a small ravine. Polly noticed another cave. It seemed more accessible than the first: here was a large entrance, not far from the river’s edge, fronted by a pyramidal mound of large boulders. Polly assumed that they must have been a result of a small landslide. Strangely though, they were grouped together in a regular fashion, as if
someone had placed them there deliberately. They climbed over the rocks and made their way inside the wide tunnel. A beam of moonlight had entered the cave highlighting the right-hand wall and part of the ceiling, and although there was an almost inky darkness in the damp cave, Polly could make out the edges of the uneven inner surface glistening like stars. She couldn’t tell how tall the ceiling was; it just seemed to dissolve into black. She turned to Jasper to point out one particularly gleaming spot, but he had suddenly leapt up and forward into the darkness. Polly followed. Ahead of her, she noticed another section of the limestone that was lit up, but oddly on the left of the tunnel. She called for Jasper and a tremendous echo of her voice resounded. A moment later she had to rub her eyes, because she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. The rock was moving. She ran over and yelped with shock. There was a giant polar bear before her, it’s creamy white backside the only visible part. She suddenly felt a pang of worry for Jasper—was he okay? The bear turned
and lifted itself up from its lying position and angled its head toward Polly, revealing Jasper, who was standing in front of the bear. A cloud of breath was snorted from its nose. “Eurgh!” Polly cried, “it smells of rotten fish!” The bear looked inquisitively at the fearless little girl, and then turned to Jasper, lurching back in fear. Polly couldn’t believe it. Such a big thing scared of a harmless Arctic fox! She jumped on the bear and stroked his long shiny fur. “Don’t be daft, you big wuss,” she laughed. “You could crush him if you wanted.” “Hold out your paw and he’ll jump on. He won’t hurt you.” The bear paused, and then tentatively stretched out his front leg to offer the dark, firm underside of his paw to Jasper. The fox leapt on and looked straight up at the bear, his wet nose raised and his tail flexing in the air excitedly. Sitting on his head, Polly could tell that the bear looked terrified, its ears pinned back as it stared with beady eyes. “I’m sure he’ll warm to you, Jasper,” chuckled Polly, her hand over her mouth.
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Tontine
Student
Tontine
Week 5 21.10.08
The young bitch, the old squeal
Dedications
(after reading Bukowski) For the secretary who Xeroxed the rejection slips; thank you; my bin was choked,
I am still finding my voice as (t’were) there are many voices which I believe mine to sound like,
Winter Solstice
(from a tradition of the Fair Isle)
the dart-board was eloquent.
and many more which I insist sound like mine. For the tutor I may have the face of a man with a touch of Holyrood, and I might have the fingers of a great and tortured
Each for my mother, one for every hour of the night.
with the teeth
Victims of snowfall Follow bastards of autumn, The ideals of evergreen Clean and forgotten.
I have reef eyes and breathe briefness. Soft and stained skin, alien teeth-work. Hopeless ears
with the glasses, whose interest in Ginsberg alleviated many an awkward silence. For all the boys who sniggered that time I fell on my ass
and the tank tops who thought that every “cunt” in every poem was him.
pianist (applied thumbscrews).
For the gynaecologist
For the grandmother who would probably
in the snow in the school yard where are you now?
The exhausting embrace Of wind turns us sour As stiffening sicknesses Curdle joints by the hour.
view this as an affliction, to be cured with whisky
For Christopher, who probably still thinks that the clitoris
and dressing warmly.
is a small bone in the ear.
So, find us inside By hearth’s glowing family And see who you will In this late winter homily;
For the trees - this tree, here,
For the hell of it.
and still I sing like a cherub, talk like a partridge,
lets face it, more useful
- Claire Askew
in this form The dead and the passed In visions of charity, Lovingly preserved In this solstice clarity.
rap like a white boy and yodel like a field mouse.
logged and levelled in the name of literature.
I guess the only real area of improvement would be found in my volume.
- Nicholas Cole-Hamilton
I am by virtue of what I am not A bumblebee is not all black. Nor is it all yellow.
They step one from one out of each flame, and each dead voice remembers the sound of its name. Our parents return Under eaves and star shine, Watching low log wood burn; cold eyes warmed by mine. For this we give thanks, This ritual of memory, For one night a year Our guardians give testimony
It is not normally suicidal. It is not a pet.
To deeds well and done Of perennial devices, To watched over sufferings And well tempered vices.
A photograph is not eternal. Nor is it easily forgotten. It is not a painting. It is not a flea, a foot or handkerchief. But of these.
They watch over us freely Through mire and blaze They’ll haunt and protect And pass over our days.
A tree is not Omnipotent Omniscient Omnipresent.
Cursed is the darkness That shortens our days, So look to the solstice Where the dead will repay
A tree is not tormented but holds the storm’s wind and swallows its rain. A foot is not a hand. Not a smile.
The warmth of our fire With thought immemorial And relish one evening Alive and corporeal.
Not a toe. But has some. Language is not a worldview. Worldview is not a language. I am not all black Nor am I all yellow I am not normally suicidal I am not a pet I am not eternal I am not easily forgotten I am not a painting I am not a flea a foot or a handkerchief but of these I am not omnipotent omniscient omnipresent I am not tormented but hold the storm’s wind and swallow its rain I am not a hand not a smile not a toe but have some I am not a worldview. I am not a language. But maybe— sometimes—for fun— I’ll dress up as one. - Julia Sans Chaises
Now we’re giving less thanks For the sunlight it marrs, But thanks be to this night We neglect for its stars.
-Nicholas Cole-Hamilton
A CURIOUS TALE OF EXCITEMENT AND HAPPENINGS FEATURING musings on the end of the universe, an EXCITING ENCOUNTER between Yorkshire man Mr Potts and a MYSTERIOUS BEING, and much information on the subject of HATS.
Harriet Brisley
The Economist
Crow and Phoenix
An economic society, in 1953, Came up with an inquiry, to see what they could see, Of positive externalities, the bullish bearish trend, Alternative realities and the cyclic boom-bust-bend. The head of the Board of Governors, a banker through and through, Made certain observations, a propositional review And a thorough close inspection of the workings of the firm, Then gave himself a pay rise and a bonus for the term. The demands of the committee were more than the supply, And the success of the investigation in the public eye, The Breusch-Pagan Statistic and economies of scale Meant the Business cycle frequency was bound to bloody fail!
Crow flies down to the body. Rain gathers in sink-holes, browning green earth, Moonlight hidden by bloated clouds. Crow pecks at the mouldering fingers. Phoenix, old and diseased, Bullet-ridden, one-eyed and weak, Hops and flutters beside Crow. Nuzzling his feathers, he clears his ancient throat. “Shame,” says Phoenix, “There aren’t Many left like this one.” “Even fewer now,” caws Crow. Phoenix stares at the corpse. Crow says, “You will die.” “You don’t know the half of it,” says Phoenix.
When the report was publicised, reform was the agenda, But it sent the Board of Governors into a boom-bust-bender. They disbanded the quangopoly and set a new regime, A Basin of Attraction with a Base Point Pricing Scheme. By use of an equation which scaled the economy, The corporation auditors dreamt up a new theory, Of how to get the best out of the Null Hypotheses, Exploit the poorest of the poor and terminally diseased.
- Dave Coates
Oystercatchers
The Lognormal distribution of Shareholders’ expectations, Dictated that the board buy out Pacific Island Nations, Export the natural habitat and leave the islands bare, Enslave the local populace and privatise Healthcare.
The road beyond the house stretches Out around fields grown wild with oilseed, Tarmacadam sweating rainfall into gutterways Then turning east in search of seashore.
Tonga was the first to fall, then Fiji and Tuvalu, The Fisherion Criterion made them easy to subdue. Once order was restored they installed a government, A cost neutral initiative minus tax at twelve percent.
The road is long, and silent this early, Mist and light rain holding indoors all but Swallows and herons, cormorants and swifts, And any one else who never wanted for roofs.
The Corporation’s Constitution read like from the Bible: ‘Thou shalt be slain if thou art not economically viable’, And the leader at his coronation was at no pains to declare: ‘Not once in the history of the world has business been so fair!’
A corridor of hedgerows opens into the rocks And the sand, dusting the spray As the oyster-catchers loiter in the shallows, Waiting for the water to offer its secrets.
- Peter Candy
- Dave Coates
The Names, The Numbers In a red and white hotel room I half-wake on a leather bound chair to the hard electric sound of a scroll of digits tattooed halfway across my left upper arm, words stepping up across up across until the final line is hooked over my left ear like a monkey’s tail Holding its bodyweight Over the outstretched arm of a tree. (Future job interviews will be held in their entirety with my head resting against my palm cupping my left ear, my elbow resting on a table.) All the people I have ever known are here with me alone on my brailled red skin: every name and every number. Every permanent address. 29 Springshaw Close smells like masochism to me. In this red and white hotel room I’m read and white and Read and written on. - Jonny Stockford
It was a fact well known to the children of Pigglings-on-the-Marsh that Mr Potts had a time-machine in his garden shed, and like many facts about the adult world it was one they had little interest in. Their parents would mutter about market pressures, and Mr Potts would talk about the interesting hat he had found in the past. Each was equally uninteresting to them, which is why it is you who must hear the story of Mr Potts’ trip to the end of the universe. This is, after all, a story of the affairs of adults, and nobody as sane as a child should have any interest in it. One afternoon, then, Mr Potts happily set off towards the end of all things. He noted with interest the hats they wore a million, then a billion, then a million billion years in the future, before people had no heads to wear hats on at all. Mr. Potts lost interest in the events unfolding around him after this and fell asleep, and when he awoke he was at the end of the universe. “Of all the places I have been to,” remarked Mr Potts, “the end of the universe is by far the queerest. Here not only are there no hats, there are no people to wear them, and no place for the people who aren’t wearing them to be. Not only that, but there is no time—no time for the people who aren’t here to weep about the hatlessness of existence!” You might consider it impolite to talk to oneself, and therefore you will be
relieved to discover Mr Potts was not. Rather, he was addressing the only other figure there, who turned with astonishment towards him. “But who might this be?” cried the figure in a voice as old as anything could ever be. “I thought only I would see the end of the universe, I who long ago subdued it, and focused its powers on granting me life eternal. Surely you must be one at least as mighty as myself!” “I shouldn’t think so,” said Mr Potts. “I’m just a man who came here to see what kind of hats they wore at the end of the universe, but I can’t see where you could wear a hat at all.” The figure nodded sagely to himself. “I remember dimly reading of people who had heads to wear hats on, and thinking it no more than legend. But after my empire had fallen to dust, and my dust had fallen into nothingness, I began to rethink what legends were.” He turned to Mr Potts. “Did you see it? The mighty empire I commanded, from my youth to the dying days of matter itself?” “No,” said Mr Potts. “I was asleep.” The figure nodded sagely again, a certain sadness in his silent form, before Mr Potts, feeling bored by the nothingness at the end of all things, went yawning back to the hat-filled time he held dear. - Robert Shepherd
Tontine
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
The Backside Fridge Poetry And the winner is (drum roll): Alex Roberts. Stay tuned for more silly games and the chance to win some free wine. You’re students. You know you want some.
Events of the Literary Kind: Ladies and Gentlemen! The Golden Hour! Come along for some October Warmth! What: New Words, Interesting Music and Visual Rubbish in a Beautiful Space When: Wed. 22nd of October, 8pm How Much: FREE! + BYOB, BYOB, BYOB, Bring Your Own Bottle (pay corkage at the bar, please) Words from:
Toilet Humour ‘God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.’ ‘The future is female.’ [To which has been added:] ‘Unreliable, full of broken promises, pretty to look at, but horrible to face.’ ‘Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive – First World War a mistake.’ [Written below the light switch in a gents:] ‘A light to lighten the genitals.’ ‘Fighting for peace is like ****ing for virginity.’ ‘Back in a minute – Godot’ ‘Alas poor Yorlik, I knew him backwards.’ ‘Handel’s Organ Works,’ [in a music recital ad, to which has been added] ‘So does mine.’ ‘Jesus said to them, “Who do you say that I am?” They replied, “You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the kerygma of which we find the ultimate meaning in our interpersonal relationships.” And Jesus said, “What?”’
‘100,000 lemmings can’t be wrong.’ ‘Saliva drools, OK’ ‘Come home, Oedipus – Mum.’ [To which has been added:] ‘Over my dead body – Dad.’ ‘Procrastinate now!’
Andrew Phillips: poems that stretch the seven seas Tracey Emerson: the captain of beautiful short stories and Russell Jones: shave his belly with a rusty razor - poems
+ NITE FITE! Music from: The legendary Asazi - in a very special acoustic set. Beyond the Pale - 5piece klezmer band. Keeping it lively as the ship goes down. Pockets: the man you want on your mast. Special Performance: The Fannies indescribable, idiotic, performance “art” Cartoons:
NITE FITE! NITE FITE! When: October 22nd, 8pm How Much: FREE! + BYOB, BYOB, BYOB, Bring Your Own Bottle (pay corkage at the bar, please).
‘Sociology degrees – please take one.’ [by toilet roll dispenser, Appleton Tower] [By automatic hand dryer in gents:] ‘Press for a 50-second recorded speech by Gordon Brown.’ ‘Since writing on lavatory walls is done neither for personal acclaim nor for personal reward, it must be the purest form of art. Discuss.’ [In gents:] ‘Wet paint. This is not an instruction.’ ‘Stand up for your rights, boys, but sit down to piss.’ ‘Legalise telepathy.’ [To which has been added:] ‘I knew you were going to say that.’ ‘It’s a lie. I was never here. Kilroy’
Student wakes up after sleeping through degree Lucy Linklater-Laurelai Edinburgh student John Sligo shocked his friends and fellow students after inadvertently revealing that he had been sleeping throughout his four-year History and Social Anthropology degree. Sligo only woke up during a graduation party after receiving his diploma, and was said to be in a state of bewilderment for quite some time. Despite never being fully conscious, Sligo was able to sleepwalk to most of his classes and exams, and was described by one of his tutors as ‘a fairly average, if quiet, student’.
Speaking to Student, Sligo said: “Man, the last thing I can remember is I was at a party after getting my acceptance letter from Edinburgh Uni. I fell asleep after that, and then I have some vague memories of sleepwalking through Freshers’ Week, my exams, and my holiday to Venice, but mostly it’s all a blank to me. “I still feel pretty groggy to be honest” he added, yawning loudly. Sligo was able to attain a 2:1 in his degree, and has also landed a job with the Royal bank of Scotland which is due to start in January.
Contact news@studentbackside.org
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
Student
Letters 15
Scottish Student Newspaper of the Year 2007
Since 1887 - The UK’ s oldest student newspaper
Apolitical. Inactive. Apathetic. Following last week’s anti-People and Planet article ‘My Planet, Not my People,’ the Student mailbox has been inundated with letters. There have literally been too many to print; Edinburgh students, it seems are particularly active about apathy, whether pro, or against it. The theme continues this week, with Comment focusing debate on the British decline in student political activism. However, do we deserve our title as an apolitical and inactive generation or is this an unfair reflection on students trying our best to implement change, but failing to live up to the heights (and highs) of the 60s? This is a difficult question, because the answer isn’t one we can be proud of. There are an awful lot of students who don’t seem to care that Edinburgh University is funding the
Burmese military junta, or that Nestle kills as estimated 4000 children every year through recklessly marketing powdered breast milk in developing countries. And the reason they don’t care is simple – it doesn’t affect them. This may seem like a difficult pill to swallow, but it’s one we have to realise and accept until we can do something about it. Students aren’t cold-hearted, lacklustre souls – but considering these issues aren’t directly knocking on our doors, there isn’t a strong enough force to mobilise us into action. Life has become too comfortable, and campaign groups like People and Planet provide a difficult challenge to our cotton-wool existence because they open our eyes to uncomfortable issues of social injustice which we’d rather not think about. It’s so
Your Letters A depressing sense of apathy
I was highly disparaged by Thomas Kerr’s article on People and Planet in last week’s Student. I would like to know exactly what “intimidation” and “suffering” Kerr means to refer to. It is universally acknowledged People and Planet is a resolutely non-violent group, preferring neither bitchy backstabbing or physical confrontation but face-to-face debate and discussion. Kerr doesn’t seem to back-up his statement with any evidence. Secondly he states that their mission is to impose “environmental totalitarianism”. May I suggest that this unfounded statement smacks of insecurity born from Thomas Kerr’s own moral conscience. The apathy he arrogantly boasts is clearly too self-righteous to investigate into the very issues People and Planet have rallied against - an important side of the argument he conveniently chooses to ignore. The banning of Nestle (not Nescafe, as he states) ensures that we are not supporting exploitation of third world mothers by unethical marketing of baby milk. But perhaps Kerr would prefer the satisfaction of eating a chocolate bar, to that of boycotting a transglobal
corporation happy to contribute to the deaths of young babies. Furthermore, Kerr’s narrow view that People and Planet are in the minority is embarrassingly myopic on his behalf. The group is a vast charity established in over 19 UK Universities with a growing 20,000 members. If he had cast his ‘apathy’ aside for the sake of researching his own article, he may have visited a meeting to discover a heavy attendance with a campaigning activity on almost every night of the week. Students are historically responsible for much ethical change for the good in this country, and indeed the world. I propose rather than criticising People and Planet’s proactive approach to world problems, Thomas Kerr might do better to address his seriously depressing sense of ‘apathy’. -Juliet Evans
Hypocrite warning
While reading Thomas Kerr’s opine saturated article on People and Planet, I could not help but notice some rather unfortunate parallels between his article and the website www.exxonsecrets.org. The website is a list of companies that
Student
Editors Jenny Baldwin/Liz Rawlings Comment Lee Bunce/Zeenath Ul Islam/Mairi Gordon Copy editors Lottie Fyfe Culture Hannah Ramsey/Rupert Faircliff/Emma Murray Design Jamie Manson Features Jonathan Holmes/Rosie Nolan/David Wagner Film Tom MacDonald/Sam Karasik Illustrations Jamie Manson/Zeeneth Ul Islam/ Harriet Brisley
much easier to castigate People and Planet for getting rid of Nestle-made chocolate bars in EUSA-shops, than to face the real, hard issues affecting disadvantaged people across the globe. Recent world-wide campaigns such as the anti-war movement, Make Poverty History and the forthcoming American elections have radicalised student activism and shown that we do care. Moreover, these campaigns have all been based on one thing; the belief that we can make a change.With any luck, a new wave of popular protests will come about soon, forcing us to take action, and wake us from our apathetic slumber. In the meanwhile we can sleep safe in the knowledge that campaign groups such as People and Planet are, at least, out there making a difference in our absence. have taken money off the global corporation ExxonMobil to produce and promote information on climate change that contests its occurrence. It would have you believe that environmentalists are dangerous lunatics, whose agenda is there to stop us doing what we like and who should be dealt with before they do something very dangerous. It is also the line that Mr Kerr takes, though rather foolishly he wades in with the confidence of a man who has read very little on the subject he writes about and is sure of his righteousness but unlike ExxonMobil, is not savvy enough to include some “scientific” facts but instead makes do with his opinions and beliefs. Unsurprisingly they do not stand up to any analysis at all. Perhaps it has escaped Mr Kerr that he is as much of a hypocrite as the group he is criticising. It can be inferred from his article that he studies at George Square but I sincerely hope he is not studying philosophy because he seems to be completely ignorant of any ethics. Anyone who contends the morality of banning Nestle products on the basis that it seems not unethical to increase the already high mortality rate of 3rd world children is clearly deeply ignorant. The boycotting of such a company however, is supposedly unethical and because it does not represent the view of the majority of students, we should stand up to the few who have brought this unsavoury truth to the fore and tell them who’s boss.
Interview Hannah Carr/Anna Dudina Lifestyle Kimberlee Mclaughlan/Maddie Walder Music Andrew Chadwick/Thomas Kerr News Editors Neil Pooran/Lyle Brennan - Senior News Writers James Ellingworth/Sarah Morrison/Patrick Andelic Photography Julia Sanches/Katy Kennedy/ Sophie Johnson President John Herrman Secretary Maddie Walder Sport Martin Domin/Misa Klimes Tech Alan Williamson/Jamie Manson
As Kerr himself states “Environmentalism and ethical consumerism seem to have been decided upon as the Great Causes of our age, and support of them has become political orthodoxy”. For a start, this is false. Until only recently this was not the case with regards to issues such as climate change and even now, although politicians have acknowledged that man-made climate change is occurring, very little is being done about it. A simple example would be America’s dealing with the Kyoto protocol, originally rejected in 1992 and 1997 on the grounds of “unsubstantial evidence” but when all the junk science surrounding it was finally overthrown and it shown to be irrefutable, they along with China, Japan, India and South Korea launched ‘the Asia-Pacific Partnership on Clean Development and Climate’ in 2006. This group, rather than setting emission reduction targets for CO2, instead focuses on developing cleaner carbon technology. It will not work and is merely a short term smokescreen to prevent more necessary major solutions that will affect the economy. Kerr puts it “People and Planet should not be tolerated because they are perceived as being on the right side of the environment” – but there is no perception or point of view here. No renegade ecowarriors who must be stamped out before they destroy the economy on a whim and scrap of evidence. There is only the cold harsh truth of what is definitely happening which we must face up to. Such woeful contention as Kerr displays in this matter is worse than “eccentric”, it is dangerous and uneducated. However much we would all like to take the easy choice in life and have long showers and fly abroad for holidays, this type of lifestyle is not ethical because we are not the countries that will be worst hit by such actions. It will be places like Ethiopia and Bangladesh who will be the worst hit by climate change. And that is why environmentalists exist, to expose the consequences of our actions to the greater public because otherwise they will be ignored so we may continue to live selfishly. The fact that they are a minority group does not alter that they are acting out of a morality based on the desire to help people, itself based on scientific fact. So eat your KitKat chunky and live in the way you wish but don’t act as though this “fringe minority” is mixing ignorance with self-righteousness. Anybody can clearly see who truly does that. -Andrew Wiles
A blame culture towards Israel As a Jew I find it terrible that a
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controversial figure such as Hedy Epstein has been used in the article ‘Jews for a just peace’ (published in last week’s Student) to represent all Jews and to highlight, as the author puts it, “the debate amongst the Jewish community about the viability and legality of the state of Israel”. Speaking as an active member of the Jewish community, I can categorically say that there is absoultely no debate as to the viability or legality of the state of Israel. To suggest that Israel is illegal and not viable is as closedminded and damaging as any of the offenses Israel is accused of in this article. While I promote dialogue and human rights and care greatly for the future of the Palestinian people, I decry the blame culture towards Israel. Which side can claim complete innocence in the IsraelPalestinian conflict? To blame solely one side is astonishingly blinded and ignorant in a situation as complex as this one. Finally, the simlarities drawn between Israel and Nazi Germany are offensive and horrifying. Instead of declaring the similarities in some sort of jingoistic propanganda, think about what Nazi Germany was really like, and how its existence resulted in the deaths of tens of millions of people across Europe, and then compare it to the modern and democratic country of Israel. -dr.d (This comment first appeared on Student’s website www. studentnewspaper.org)
More harm than good I was born and grew up in Burma. I travel back there often and have many friends and family there. I hate the present government and would love to see the back of the ruling generals. But I can say with 100% certainty that the divestment of Western companies will do much more harm than good. IfTotal pulls out, a Chinese or other Asian company will move in. Whats the point of that? The do-good campaigners, mindlessly copying what they think was a successful South African model of boycotts and divestment, are unwittingly pushing my country into the hands of the Chinese. What we need is a greater Western presence, not less. I cant for the life of me understand how leaving Burma to the Chinese will lead to democracy. The government is very strong, its not on the brink of collapse, we need a long term vision of change, not cheap grandstanding. -Alice Lin (This comment first appeared on Student’s website www. studentnewspaper.org and was written in response to the article ‘Burma disinvestment unlikely’ published in last week’s Student).
Email: editors@studentnewspaper. org
Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors reserve the right to edit letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole. Published by and copyright © Student Newspaper Society, 2008 Printed by Cumbrian Printers
16 Film
Student
Brothers Coen for Gold?
Week 5 21.10.08
Jenny Baldwin reflects on the latest effort from the Coen brothers
broken-heart. Not without the usual comic violence that has come to be expected from the Coens, this ludicrously convoluted plot is full of surprises. It twists and turns, relentlessly puzzling the characters within it and always entertaining the audience. Manifesting itself as so intentionally conceptually half-baked, Burn After Reading points the satirical dagger at any film that might be considered as remotely well-baked, or even overcooked. It is a deliberate step away
from all things serious, and a step into all things chaotic, eccentric; downright hilarious. The title, Burn After Reading, cannot be easily dismissed – it undoubtedly says a lot about the film’s content. The theme of the film itself is that things must be removed, without trace, so that nothing really matters – aside for some laughs, of course. The setting, ironically, is Washington DC, epicentre of American power. Besides the fact that incompetence screams from every outlet, the point seems to be that everyone here is suffering from different forms of 21st-century narcissism; they’re either body-obsessed, fame-obsessed or sex-obsessed (Clooney in particular acknowledges and undermines his own lover-boy status; his dating scenes, all fake smiles, are grinning with deliberate self-indulgence). The Coen brothers have produced something so smartly sceptical, that it charms the pants off us. Yet their desire to be cutting and to convey a certain emptiness in their characters means that the film lacks a little bit of warmth. Characters with which we can sympathise are few and far between, if there at all, and this dims the sparkling lights and life-affirming laughs that otherwise emanate from a quirky, charming and hugely enjoyable film. In the words of Pitt’s character, this is most definitely “good shit”.
young men from the neighbouring slums manage a break in. Their plan goes wrong when they strangle the elderly lady who discovered them robbing her house. Two burglars are then shot by armed citizens and a security guard, the elderly civilian’s death sets in motion a series of shocking events. With the guard also accidentally killed, the La Zona residents deny police access to the case.They possess the authority to do so thanks to a special permit provided by a top judge, with whom the members of this exclusive community have connections. Such audacity is justified by claims that the inefficiency and corruptibility of the Mexican police makes the institution just as rotten as the criminals it pursues. Instead, they start a manhunt for the third burglar who is still out there - or rather in there, hiding inside the fortifications of La Zona. An emphasis is placed by the filmmakers on the impudence by the La Zona residents themselves, suggesting their sense of superiority to the poor and law itself and the film succeeds in making its characters three-dimensional, avoiding the trap of portraying
the rich as merely cruel.We are able to see their divided conscience, fuelled by fear and remorse. Neither are the characters of the three young men reduced to helpless victims of social injustice, although the film is sharply critical of an unfair system that leads to crime. This injustice is subtly exposed, for example, in a sequence that contrasts the informing of a mother’s loss of her child and the birthday of a 16 year old resident of La Zona, and his present of a video game. Still, I could not help feeling a bit overwhelmed by the overdramatic – and perhaps unlikely - manhunt idea and a shocking finale reminiscent of Lord of The Flies. The occasional sensationalism can however be forgiven, for the film’s original and laudable intentions are carried through with a sincere veracity and, for the most part, gripping storyline. Director Rodrigo Plá manages to keep thrill and tension at a good high throughout the film, making La Zona a compelling drama and definitely worth a watch. Luiza Vianna de Mello Franco
Burn After Reading directed by
Joel and Ethan Coen
aaaAD Cue fast and ominous drumming, meticulous CIA keyboard tapping, smart and steady map zooming: the latest feature from the Coen brothers rolls. There is a supreme air of expectation in the cinema; after all, dark masterpiece and Oscar-winning No Country for Old Men is a tough act to follow, we all agree. And as the drum roll gets louder, the opening scene on the brink, all eyes are steady and eager. John Malkovich is the first to make an entrance as Osbourne Cox, a midranking CIA analyst who has just been fired from his job. Before long he has delivered his soon-to-be film trademark in true angry, loud, John Malkovich style: “what the fuck?!” he exclaims.We might ask the same question, as Burn After Reading steadily unfolds into genre-defying (and yet charm-oozing) cinema. It is clear from the first that this film is no dark masterpiece, but a decidedly playful and well-executed satire. Osborne Cox, after losing his job, is writing a tell-all memoir of his period with the Agency in order to fill some new-
found time. His ice-queen wife, Katie (Tilda Swinton), is displeased with her lot (it is hard to imagine her otherwise) but busies herself with secret lover Harry (George Clooney), a compulsive jogger obsessed with sex and quality floorboards. Meanwhile, Linda Litzke (Frances McDormand), an employee at Hardbodies Fitness gym, is so upset with her personal appearance that she’s started planning cosmetic surgery, none of which she can afford. The plot really speeds up when the CD on which Cox’s memoirs are saved
falls into Linda’s hands. She shows it to Chad (Brad Pitt), an instructor at the gym, and together they decide that the material on the disc is “highly classified shit” and ripe for exploitation. What comes next is probably the most pathetic and hilarious blackmail attempt ever to hit the big-screens. Pitt, who is good value as the idiotic, exercise-obsessed gym dope, is delightful, but perhaps not lovable. The same can be said for most of the characters, save perhaps the love-stricken gym manager Ted, who painfully relates his
La Zona directed by
Rodrigo Plá
aaaaD
I’ve Loved You So Long directed by
Philippe Claudel
aaaaD After her release from prison, many years after an unmentionable crime committed in a fit of madness, Juliette Fontaine joins the family of her sister in an apparently happy French suburbia.The audience then follows Juliette’s reinstatement into society, her familial reawakening and all the related difficulties these creates. Kristin Scott Thomas, in the role of Juliette, brings to the screen an Oscar-worthy performance, displaying an excellent grasp of the strangled emotions and psychological scars that play upon the mind of our protagonist. For the first hour of the film she shows not a single ounce of overt emotion, barely even speaking. And yet her quiet way about the screen skilfully builds a cold, harsh character that is not only perfect for this role, but carries the film to heights that first time director Philippe Claudel could never have dared dreamed of. Though awards should be fly-
ing her way, the slow unforced nature of the film and its limited release may hide it from the eyes of the world; a genuine shame. The story is built on tense relationships within an already complex family. From the strained relationship of the two sisters, who have barely spoken in fifteen years, to a mother who removed all trace of her daughter from memory, we find complicated but interesting relations which cover the subtleties of the plot, a feature of the film that could have been perceived by some as boring. This is, however, most definitely the point. Director Philippe Claudel has created a gripping atmosphere of the unknown, building a gripping story around tense relationships and familial angst, only sporadically allowing small trickles of information out and only at the end of the film is the whole truth about Juliette’s mysterious past discovered, lending the piece a running tension that grips throughout what could have so easily been a ‘slow’ film. Instead, this is nothing less than a masterpiece. Lance “Armstrong” Jordan
The camera follows a butterfly, moving with impeccable grace over a leafy suburban idyll. Then it flies into its death, landing on a strip of electrified wire separating this quiet district from Mexico City, high towers and all that is desired stood far off and calling. Our focus turns to a shanty town, a mass of grey concrete perforated by windows. It’s only two minutes into the film and I’m cringing in my seat, fearing another couple of hours of the gentle oversimplification that characterises most recent accounts of class disparity in Latin America. I am, however, getting ahead of myself. The title La Zona refers to the name of the heavily guarded and carefully gated condominium where the film for the most part takes place. The artificial safety of the aforementioned La Zona is violated when three
Week 5 21.10.08
Film 17
Student
News You Can Use
Eagle Eye Directed by D.J. Caruso
aaadd Starting a film summary with the phrase “After the mysterious death of his twin brother…” is usually a sure-fire way to repel moviegoers. However, this film doesn’t just have mysterious deaths; it also has people who aren’t terrorists but are suspected of being terrorists by FBI agents who use the word “terrorist” like it’s going out of style, countless shots of Shia LaBeouf running, the most interesting supercomputer since HAL9000, and it still has time to make sexist jokes about female drivers. After the mysterious death of his twin brother, slacker Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf, the coolest kid in Hollywood) suddenly finds $751,000 in his bank account and an arsenal of ammonium nitrate and guns in his apartment. He receives a call from a mysterious woman (voiced by Julianne Moore) warning him of an impending FBI raid. Seconds later, an armed team bursts into his apartment and takes him into custody. From his interrogation room, the mysterious voice calls again and helps Jerry escape with single mother, (Michelle Monaghan) who has also been cohered into this great mystery. They are guided by the unknown woman who communicates using all forms of technology pos-
with Spike Lee
sible. It gives a whole new meaning to turning off your phone in the cinema, and will leave you glaring at it suspiciously for weeks to come. From that point it’s all chases, shooting things, awkward attempts at characterisation, and a plot twist that you could have guessed from watching the trailer. It doesn’t sound like this film should, in any way, be good, but it is surprisingly enjoyable. It’s not the greatest plot in the world: to say much more about it would give the twist away (followed by this writer being lynched by over-
enthusiastic sci-fi geeks), but it can be revealed that none of it is that surprising. Despite this, director D.J. Caruso (Disturbia) manages to film amazing action sequences and ploughs through the story so quickly that you forget how ridiculous the plot is. Caruso also gets the chance pay homage to his favourite films as Eagle Eye is essentially North by Northwest meets 1984 and 2001: A Space Odyssey but with more explosions. Although you get a sense that the actors don’t always work well to-
gether, LaBeouf and Monaghan are good enough to pull it off. LaBeouf shines as he abandons his usual talkative role for a more sombre, resentful one and does it well. For all its simplistic social commentary and overwhelming sense of techno-paranoia, this is one of the more enjoyable action films of recent years. Non-stop action and no mind-numbing plot and character development; this is popcorn cinema at its finest. Just leave your mobile at home.
Shan Bertelli
Super Coen Bros? by Sean Cameron and Jutta Sarhimaa (Coen-heads) Mention the Coen brothers and you will likely find that this directorial duo divide opinion like no others in the business. Fargo (1996) and The Big Lebowski (1998) for instance garnered unparalleled praise from some, believing the two to have redefined the modern comedy, whilst others found real fault with the suspension of disbelief sometimes required to recognise and appreciate a world which has coined its very own Hollywood verb: ‘Coen-esque’. The lead characters, precisely due to their ‘Coen-esque’ nature unlikely decisions, bizarre character eccentricities, fantastic names - were also derided as at times unsympathetic. The inexplicable dry period that occurred during the early 00’s, during which time such monstrosities as Intolerable Cruelty (2003) and The Ladykillers (2004) were released - widely lambasted pieces that betrayed the near-faultless canon so painstakingly established early on meant that the critics of the brothers Coen had even more ammunition. So what happened to the Coens? No one can be really sure but the pair themselves; the drought occurred at what is widely regarded as their moment of greatest comic genius, and then, just seemed to vanish. Even with their most recent release No Country For Old Men (2007), lauded as a significant return to form for the pair, the plot involved little
to no comedy, the skilful blending with serious plotting having defined the brothers’ early works. Set in the wilds of Texas and involving a labyrinth plot concerning stolen drug money, the film was technically excellent and a masterpiece in its way, but it lacked the self-knowing edge that made those earlier films so endearing. Also suggestive of its deviation from Coen typicality was its success at the Oscars and the box office; not things you would associate with the two director-writers. Then again, No Country wasn’t their first film to make it in the big league. The Coens arguably came to real notice with their 1996 small town murder mystery Fargo, the Academy awarding them for Best
Original Screenplay and Joel Coen’s better half Frances McDormand for her role as heavily-pregnant police chief Marge Gunderson. With a somewhat absurd plot set in Brainerd, Minnesota, featuring slick car salesmen, Scandinavian names and an iconic mincing machine, it’s a fandom favourite and thus resembles the ‘more indie’ 1998 follow-up that any Dude anywhere would abide. If Fargo and No Country have something in common, it’s the brutish, sudden violence that attacks the viewer. Only in the latter, there are no tennis socks to lighten the scenery where Javier Bardem’s killer without motive slaughters innocents like cattle left, right and centre, the fate of individuals decided upon the toss of a coin. Cormac McCarthy’s
original Pullitzer Prize winning novel seems to have forced the Coens to cut the gimmicks and stay in line. Who wants to see the same trick repeated ad infinitum anyway? Straight lines can be drawn from the kidnapping adventure of Raising Arizona (1987) to the more refined Fargo likewise from Blood Simple (1984) and Miller’s Crossing (1990) to No Country for Old Men, showing the wunderkinds’ increasing skills both in technical work and storytelling. Barton Fink (1991) might just be their most autobiographical film to date, being a story of a playwright sucked in the greedy world of showbiz. Starring John Turturro, a Coen regular (and a look-a-like) it might also be the truest one. So, is the drought permanent? Well the answer is a maybe. Their latest film, Burn After Reading is seemingly the pairs’ attempt to recapture the old spirit that they so effectively pioneered. Only time will tell if Burn After Reading, their latest, can recapture that breath of fresh air that arrived in cinema in the late nineties, and here’s hoping they succeed.
Next Week... Zac Efron gets a fatwa from Student Film
Inglourious Basterds is a film title sure to please my cacographically-inclined readers (I now yor owt ther), but bemuse the average cinema-goer. Which is presumably why-year-on-year Spelling-Bee ‘special prize winner’, Quentin Tarantino, has settled upon it as the name for his latest, due for release late next year. The film follows a band of Jewish soldiers - led by Brad Pitt - who engage in a series of acts of retribution in Nazi-occupied France. Known to their enemy only as ‘The Basterds’, Pitt’s crew join with a similar group led by Diane Kruger, united in their attempt to take down The Third Reich. While many may find the newly announced moniker a little galling, the actual decision probably lies in QT’s wish to distance his picture from 1978’s Inglorious Bastards, supposedly ‘an inspiration’ to the man himself (seems unlikely). Still, the title was at one stage to be Once Upon a Time in Nazi-Occupied France, so maybe we got off lightly. Brad Pitt will next tackle Homer’s Odyssey. Set in space. THE ODYSSEY. IN SPACE. It’s directed by Mad Max Man George Miller and everyone should go and book tickets now. Fans of what some (snobs) would term ‘proper Sci-Fi’ will also be more than delighted to hear that genre-monarch Ridley Scott will be tackling Joe Halderman’s classic novel The Forever War, which he describes as “Blade Runner by way of The Odyssey” (cue ‘proper sci-fi’ fans losing collective face). The story follows two alienbattling soldiers who return to Earth after what seems like only a couple of months to find that millions of years have passed on their home planet. Like one of those long days when you still have tonnes to do - the washingup, the dinner, putting the dog out etc. - but find it’s ten already. Former heroin-addict Robert Downey Jr. probably knows exactly what I mean. He was spotted, now fully rehabilitated, in central London this weekend, shooting Guy Ritchie’s adaptation of Sherlock Holmes. Downey was sporting a tasty bowler while Jude Law’s eponymous detectivelooks to have an endlessly strokeable ‘tache.
18 Music
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
ALBUMS
that, the song has striking similarities to Be Here Now’s opening track ‘D’You Know What I Mean?’ While never matching the epic crescendo of that song, ‘Bag It Up’ is a strong statement of intent from Oasis and the song serves to get you in the right mood to listen to the album in. ‘The Turning’ picks up from
where ‘Bag It Up’ leaves off with another helping of distorted guitar riffs and Liam’s gnarly vocals. ‘Waiting For the Rapture’ is the first song in which Noel takes lead vocals and the song has a very similar sound to the album’s opening tracks, but doesn’t have the same urgency and impact that the other two do.
‘Some Might Say’ that tracks four and five are the highlights of the album, the ‘Supersonic’ anthems seem to be ‘Half the World Away’ from the dull boring songs from Don’t Believe the Truth. Lead single from the album ‘The Shock of the Lightning’ is Oasis at their very best; catchy guitar riffs, sing-along lyrics and a real
“lets ‘av it” bounce to the song. In stark contrast, ‘I’m Outta Time’ is a slow ballad written by Liam and dedicated to his idol, John Lennon. The song took around ten years to complete and it appears good things do come to those who wait. The second half of the album never really measures up to the standard set by the opening tracks. With the exception of ‘Falling Down’ which is one of the best songs on the album and ‘The Nature of Reality’ which musters pass marks and no more, the other songs fail to catch the attention of the listener. Album closer ‘Soldier On’ is rather aptly named because it seems as though that is what Oasis had to do themselves to write enough songs to make this a worthwhile album. Oasis are definitely not past it, this album proves that they are still capable of creating good records. Dig Out Your Soul has answered the critics for now and tens of thousands of dedicated fans will celebrate their return to form. This is another great effort from the Manchester lads reinstating the fact that they will Live Forever in the hearts of thousands of adoring fans. Barry Mcguire
last year. This E.P consists of what are arguably the best tracks from the proceeding album, including the infectious (if maybe slightly overconfidently titled) ‘Hitten’, meaning ‘The Hit’ in Swedish. Those Dancing Days may only be young, and visually give the impression of just being a jumble of kooky indie kids; their music isn’t to be underestimated. The lyrics are just the right level of twee, comparing boys to strawberry ice-cream and rhyming “confetti” with “damn sweaty”, and the music itself is perfectly put together allowing lead vocalist Linnea Jönsson’s voice to shine through. Infectious pop music is exactly what a music industry saturated with “lad-rock” acts is screaming out for. There is no dark or even particularly serious side to their lyrics, but they aren’t just about youth and pretty boys – they talk about spaceships too. And with the main theme running throughout the album being the importance of getting up and dancing, it seems as though for the foreseeable future every day will indeed be a dancing day. Ciara Mullally
RYAN ADAMS & THE CARDINALS
guitar reminds more of Crosby, Stills et al more than anything else. Indeed, these older musicians could well have recorded ‘Let us down easy’ or have played guitar on ‘Fix it’. While Adams is clearly on good form lyrically the songs suffer from not a lack of hooks but perhaps a glut of them. Where ‘Space Oddity’ is so frequently called ‘Ground control to Major Tom’ to the annoyance of Bowie fans, ‘Go Easy’ is going to be called ‘If only I could say this to you now’. Its a mouthful but listening to the song its what I would have assumed it was called. ‘Crossed Out Name’ seems at first to be hideously overproduced in a Newton Faulkner like way till Ryan’s voice cuts through the mix and the whole thing makes sense. The reason the guitar at the start is so repetitive seems to be to show how Adams binds the whole thing together with his stunning vocals. ‘Natural Ghost’ has some truly odd Gorillaz-esque harmonies. For this but not much else the song is worth a listen. For ‘Magik’ and ‘Cobwebs’ Adams employs a real change of pace which saves the album from a slight sameness which otherwise would
have put me off. ‘Magik’ is the rockiest track present and nothing short of brilliant. Its abrupt end and lack of structure would detract from a listening but just before ‘Cobwebs’ it sets the scene for a dramatic change in style. Simon and Garfunkel fans would do well to listen to ‘Evergreen’. Rhymin’ Simon he ain’t but Adams can sure harmonise. The smoky, expressive quality of his voice, like Leonard Cohen but up a few dozen octaves, is sadly less obvious on other songs but on this on this laid back track it shines through. This album will fit comfortably alongside Simon and Garfunkel, CSNY, The Eagles and Bob Dylan on my shelf whenever its not in my CD player. Cardinology is for keeps and when other singer songwriters are being used as coasters at parties Adams will be in the CD changer and people will still be dancing to ‘Magik’, pretending to drum to ‘Cobwebs’ and grooving to the Zuton-like bass line to ‘Fix it’. Now if you will excuse me I have to download every other song the man has ever recorded. Which might take a while. Robert Taylor
OASIS
DIG OUT YOUR SOUL
BIG BROTHER
AAAAD
THERE IS only one question on everyone‘s lips as Oasis release their eighth studio album: does Dig Out Your Soul live up to the likes of debut album Definitely Maybe and (What’s the Story?) Morning Glory? Well of course it doesn’t, those two albums are career and era defining albums and Oasis will never recreate the anthemic sounds of ‘Live Forever’ and ‘Don’t Look Back in Anger’ ever again, but Dig Out Your Soul is a vast improvement on predecessors Standing on the Shoulders of Giants, Heathen Chemistry and Don’t Believe the Truth and sees Oasis benefiting from a return to form in creating a technically good album as a whole, rather than one or two tracks carrying the rest of the album. Opening track ‘Bag It Up’ starts with a snarling guitar riff that allows one to instantly recognise the song as an Oasis song. On top of
THOSE DANCING DAYS IN OUR SPACE HERO SUIT
WICHITA
AAADD SWEDEN HAS, in the past, brought us such great things as dynamite, flatpack furniture and Freddy Ljungberg (considered ‘great’ for both his footballing and modelling prowess). Now, after a recent influx of Scandinavian pop acts, the latest Swedish innovation to hit our shores is here in the form of Those Dancing Days. The five piece girl band took their name from the Led Zeppelin song ‘Dancing Days’, although their sound is more akin to that of The Pipettes and is similarly reminiscent of the 60’s when skirts were short and music was made to be danced to. Although their album In Our Space Hero Suits has only recently been released, Those Dancing Days have been accumulating many fans through the magic of Myspace and their five track self-titled E.P, which was released exclusively in Sweden
CARDINOLOGY
LOST HIGHWAY
AAAAD
I DON’T understand how I made it to university without having listened to Ryan Adams. I had heard of him of course, usually in the context of being confused with “that other guy”. Reviewing this album has been a bit of a shock in that it took me a while to realise that the man is incredibly popular in a quiet, understated way. How many Ryan Adams T-shirts do you see? Hoodies? No chance. His own scent? Nowhere but on him. And there’s a reason. Its not that he smells. Ryan Adams just needs no publicity. This album has not only an earthy, honest sound of which the producer should be proud but musically it intrigues. ‘Stop’ is Neil Young’s ‘After the gold rush’ for this generation without dumbing down at all and ‘Born into a light’ with its delicate lap slide
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
MusicReview 19
Live reviews...and shameless self-promotion
is this news? Entertainment news rooms went into overdrive this week as it was revealed that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are to divorce. The resulting media scramble saw certain embarassing aspects of Madonna’s private life come to light, including some particularly stringent restrictions she placed on her soon-to-be-former husband, on which we will not elaborate. All we’ll say is don’t be surprised if you bump into Guy Ritchie on his way home clutching a sack full of chipolatas, a 24-pack of Stella and some taped copies of the past 3 years’ Hollyoaks omnibuses.
British Sea Power: kagool-rock
CSS
LIQIUID ROOMA
SUNDAY 12 OCTOBER
AAADD
WHEN A band comes on to ‘Scatman’ (‘…Ski Ba Bop Ba Dop Bop’ to give it its full title) the evening looks set to be interesting. Particularly if the lead singer is sporting blue Frieda Kahlo-style eyebrows and a floral lycra catsuit, topped off with a poncho constructed out of lengths of the finest silver Hawaiian garlands. You are guaranteed a spectacle for your £13, even if they end up sounding second rate. Luckily CSS matched their visual spectacle with equal musical prowess – and after some deranged dancing, cereal giveaways and confetti cannons, they even managed to leave the somewhat subdued Liquid Room’s crowd (slightly) mobile. Cansei de Ser Sexy, now onto their second album, have come a long way from their arrival on the back of the new-indie-rave-wave (the recognised scientific phenomenon that was) circa. 2006. Donkey moves away from the flippant fun of their debut, which was a concoction of electro-indie, tackling the major preoccupations of the time, including ‘Meeting Paris Hilton’.
New tracks involve deeper subject matter - from domestic abuse to betrayal, although admittedly, even the upbeat ‘Rat Is Dead’ and ‘Left Behind’, did not sit with the audience as well as the classics. Although given time, this slightly more considered style will surely become comfortably incorporated into the CSS experience. Nevertheless, the staples of the Brazilian fiesta remained. ‘Off the Hook’ marked the point at which energy levels began to creep up, enough that during the best song of the night, ‘Alala’, there was even, God forbid, reported occurrences of dancing amongst attendants. I’d like to conclude by offering a few pointers for Liquid Room audiences, especially those standing stationary at the front whilst contemplating the insights offered by ‘Let’s Make Love and Listen to Death from Above’. CSS only graced us with their presence for a (miserly) fifty minutes – therefore this was neither the time nor the place. When a crazy Brazilian called Lovefoxx is telling you to dance, you dance - whether music is your “boyfriend”, “great grand daughter” or even just your “hot hot sex”. Rachel Hunt
BRITISH SEA POWER ABC
SATURDAY 11 OCTOBER
AAAAD
BEFORE REMEMBERING that Glasgow has never been renowned for it’s abundance of foliage, I could’ve believed I’d wandered into the wrong gig. The tradition of dressing oneself in greenery for British Sea Power gigs is clearly a little trickier to carry out here, and as I venture inside I hope it’s only shrubbery, and not loyalty, that the crowd lacks. Having covered previous stages with leaves and branches in an attempt to show their love for all things natural, this time around BSP have bedecked the place with flags. A few stray owls are lovingly added to the affair as the band opens with ‘All In It’, before breaking into ‘Carrion’. A fantastic way to start, they play with far more energy than you would expect from the creators of most recent and more mellow album Do You Like Rock Music?. They continue to waste no time, and speed through a mixture of songs old and new. The band appear with no arrogance, merely a desire to play as much of their music as they can cram in. Indeed, by scrapping the in-
tro to ‘Atom’ and storming straight in with the drums made the song even more powerful live than on the album. Following on from the singalong festival anthem ‘Waving Flags’ by carefully sneaking in ‘Great Skua’ the band had the crowd enchanted for a precious few minutes, and with a touch of magic, still managed to bring back the incredibly amount of energy for the dance friendly rhythm of ‘Larsen B’. Bringing in some more tracks from The Decline of British Sea Power for the end of the set brilliantly encompassed the more unrefined sounds of their earlier material. With the whole crowd chanting for it, there was no chance of escape without playing latest single ‘No Lucifer’ – especially when a black bear appears on stage to both dance with and attack band members. Finishing with a visit back in time to “The Spirit of St. Louis” – nostalgia at its finest - BSP even succeeded in making us all forget any football related tragedies of the day. British Sea Power are a remarkable live band, delivering each song with a slightly peculiar intimate yet overwhelming sparkle. Catch them if you can – even those without a garden will find plenty to enjoy. Jenny Johnson
We’d love to stop going on about Madonna and Guy Ritchie if we could, but Madge just keeps spoonfeeding us classic Is This News? material, and we’d be idiots to spit it back in her (surgically-enhanced) face. During a show soon after the announcement of their divorce, Madonna dedicated ‘Miles Away’ to “anybody who knows someone who is emotionally retarded. God knows I do”. Not exactly subtle, and more to the point, of course he’s emotionally retarded, Madge, you’ve denied him a pint and a fry-up for the past eight years, for fuck’s sake, lesser men would have been sectioned by now. The insufferable Katy Perry of ‘I Kissed A Girl’ fame has admitted to battling an alcohol problem before becoming a pop star. “It got out of control until I said ‘OK-back to work’”, said Perry. Great advice that, Katy, if you’re rich and famous and have a number one single, that is. What would you suggest to the guy who’s on a bottle of Glen’s a day and works the bins in Rotherham? Friends of Arctic Monkeys’ frontman Alex Turner are reportedly angered at the behaviour of his girlfriend, TV presenter Alexa Chung.The singer’s mates are particularly irked by her insistence on calling him by his full name, Alexander. Oh dear, did someone mention Yoko? Jon Bon Jovi has issued a statement indicating that he objected to the use of his song ‘Who Says You Can’t Go Home’ in Sarah Palin’s political rallies.This confused Student: we object to both Jon Bon Jovi and Sarah Palin, can somebody tell us what side we’re on and what our team’s called? Andrew Chadwick
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
Zeenath Ul Islam
Culture 20
Quantity over quality Don’t buy Jamie Oliver’s cookbook for Christmas says Rachel Williams After another morning waking to usual headlines threatening imminent financial disaster, I was alerted to another equally horrifying story - JK Rowling now earns £5 every second. Forbes have crowned her the world’s top earning author making £170m just last year, demolishing the runner-up James Patterson’s paycheque, who makes a paltry £28m for his thriller novels. In case you aren’t familiar with his work, Patterson is a particularly favoured Christmas present for male family members. Joking aside, the trend of books for Christmas presents is no laughing matter - unless you mean the booksellers laughing all the way to the bank. Last week, ‘Super Thursday’ saw over 800 books published on one day in anticipation of the Christmas rush. The ever-present credit crisis certainly hasn’t deterred booksellers who remain optimistic when it comes to the selling of their wares. And why shouldn’t they be when there is always a celebrity, or chef, or a celebrity chef ready to churn out another guaranteed bestseller? Aside from my own resentment at the eagerness to send us all into a premature Yuletide spending frenzy, what these recent revelations lead me to ask is; what happened to the great modern classic? Obviously Forbes’ list does not claim to catalogue the most well-received books but it certainly shows the ones that are making the most money - at least for their authors. They produce cheap, accessible and disposable fictions, which seems fitting for a volatile market and the needs of its people. Have the stresses of twentieth century life sapped the public of their desire for a more stimulating read? Gone are the days where people would discuss the latest novel and its political undertones. Instead these are the days of Richard and Judy and their ‘Top Ten Beach Buys’. For me there should be no place for alliteration in the selling of books.
Book sales are led by advertisements in our magazines and emblazoned billboards. Even James Patterson had a particularly thrilling television advert one year; I guess he had to spend some of that £28m on something. Exciting as it is to have books finally permeating our culture, it has come at a cost, the loss of the ‘revolutionary’ novel. Maybe the problem is a general disinterest amongst readers for this kind of book. And in terms of booktraders, endeavouring to release a less-than-certain hit is always risky; when markets are turbulent it is safe to stick with what works. So we allow ourselves to be seduced by these advertisements, by what we are told we should be reading - irrespective of who is giving this advice (namely the publishers themselves). Surely we all learnt our lesson with The Da Vinci Code. The surrounding critical hullabaloo seemed so full of promise - finally the revolution in literature we’d been after; a challenge to religion, politics, a revocation of formulaic fiction! One that would really knock the socks off granny at Christmas…I think the phrase is ‘hook, line and sinker’. But we soon realised - as Stephen Fry so beautifully put it - it was actually “arse-gravy of the very worst kind”. Couldn’t have said it better, Stephen. Although, if I am presented with Nigella’s latest, the imaginatively entitled Christmas, I may have to think up an even more colourful epithet. If we are ever able to recognise a bad book, perhaps it’s time to defiantly boycott the bestsellers list this year. Here’s hoping in the lead up towards the festive time, someone hears my plea and cracks out something more palatable, which does not involve Jamie Oliver. Something avant-garde, postmodern maybe. I feel there just isn’t enough postmodernism at Christmas. Then again, the Julie Walters autobiography offering “tyrannical nuns and LSD trips” does sound rather enticing.
Anne Redpath - The Indian Rug (or Red Slippers), c. 1942
Four Scottish Painters Dean Gallery Until 31 January
aaaad An exhibition entitled ‘Four Scottish Painters’ should necessarily reveal something distinct about Scottish life and culture. This free show at the Dean Gallery seems to deliver this, in its depiction of rustic Scottish fishing villages and elegant Edinburgh sitting rooms, but also demonstrates how Scottish art fits into a wider cosmopolitan, European milieu. Wilhelmina Barns-Graham, John Bellany, Alan Davie and Anne Redpath all studied at the Edinburgh College of Art around the time of the Second World War, and became important representatives of the artistically experimental and evidently psychologically troubled post-war generation. The artists receive a room to themselves, in which the roughly chronological hang allows the viewer to trace their respective artistic evolutions, largely from the figurative and referential to the ges-
Alan Davie - The Studio No 28, 1975
tural and abstracted. As the first woman to be elected to the Royal Scottish Academy, and representative of the cultural establishment, Redpath is arguably the most conservative of the four. However her still-lives and interiors are lent a dream-like suggestiveness by her pastel palette and fascination with Indian, African and Chinese design. Redpath’s travels to Catholic and Orthodox Italy and Spain give her church interiors a mystical quality, similar to Kandinsky’s early work. In fact, the artist likened her satisfyingly thick paintwork in these haunting pieces to “encrusted jewels”. Barns-Graham, an associate of Barbara Hepworth and Ben Nicholson’s St. Ives set, uses stark light and clear lines in her landscapes to suggest the abstract potential of natural forms, with a precision and severity close to that of a graphic artist. It is possible that her later works, such as Chasm, were inspired by the Russian Futurists, in their dynamism and angularity. The contract between the serene colour palette of Barns-Graham’s work and the lurid greens and yellows of Bellany’s could not be greater. In Lap Dog, a particularly disquieting and depraved piece, a naked
woman wearing the head and fleece of a sheep, is seated on an oversized joint of meat, observed by what looks like a ghost and his pet monkey. Allegory, a Baconesque triptych, depicts the gutting and crucifixion of three fish. Bellany’s problematic relationship with his traditional, religious upbringing and rural, fishing-village life, is perhaps an explanation for this uncomfortable symbolism and arguable sacrilege. Francis Bacon comes to mind once more in Davie’s Woman Bewitched by Moon, in which tangled meaty, fleshy body parts crowd an interior setting. Davie explored several methods of producing his large pieces, including automatic painting and abstract expressionism, in order to free his art from the constraints of composition and representation. His later work, however, exhibits a preoccupation with the symbolism of aboriginal, Byzantine and Egyptian art, which combine to create a naïve but highly stylised, cartoon Joan Miro effect. This again provides a dramatic contrast with his dense, muddy, almost cubist Jingling Space, perhaps reminiscent of his service on the battlefields of the Second World War. It seems therefore that the exhibition deals more with the hangover from the war and the development of modernism and abstraction during these artists’ heydays, than with the theme of Scottishness. Nevertheless, in choosing such diverse and technically accomplished artists to represent Scotland, the curators ironically demonstrate these four painters’ relevance to the artistic progress of western art, rather than their provincialism. A possible criticism is the confinement of each artist to his or her own room, which prevents interaction between the paintings and could distort the viewer’s understanding of their significance. Do not be fooled by its modest title, however; this exhibition provides a disturbing insight not only into twentieth-century artistic and cultural problems but also into individual consciousness. Eleanore Widger
Week 5 21.10.08
Culture 21
Student
Pin-up Pensioners Miss October Emma Murray joins the WI for some heartwarming (naked) fun
The motion picture Calendar Girls, with it’s cast of vintage acting royalty, failed to move me. It was a perfectly nice way to spend ninety minutes but I couldn’t connect with a starkers Helen Mirren or any of the other perfectly nice old ladies. However I left this theatre production feeling an intimate complicity with each of the female actors who made the King’s Theatre performance of Calendar Girls come alive. The Knapely Women’s Institute’s Victorian sponge competi-
to the hundreds of letters written by those who have also lost a loved one to cancer. Here is where the production really shows its strengths; moving from light hearted to powerfully poignant. Annie is devastated by the loss of her dear husband and, pushed by Chris to breaking point, exclaims she would give up everything “just to spend one more hour with my John”. The audience by this point are completely onside and a particular camaraderie is established; there is a feeling of strong compassion in the atmosphere. After the tantrums and tears, the women emerge from the calendar experience closer in spirit, strengthened in character and still having a bloody good laugh. As with the film, the theatre production manages to attract some ‘celebrity’ actors. Loose
Slightly more subtle though no less powerful is the notably older Siân Phillips who uses her advanced years as an excuse to play up even more. It is more shocking to hear the words “front bottom” come out of her mouth than any of the others. Timid Ruth, Julia Hills, also blossoms throughout the performance dealing with her shyness and a love-rat husband. This is really a performance by women for women, though the few men I spotted appeared to be laughing along. The nudity really is shocking; the whole audience waiting with baited breath and then not quite believing it when Lynda Bellingham strips off for real. The action is so captivating and the dialogue so snappy that one forgets that the set remains basically static for the whole show. The only movement is the
tions, lectures in the history of the tea towel, and pine cone moulding are put on hold when a group of rebel members decide to raise serious money for a new settee, through a nude calendar. Despite the school-girlish japes and the light-hearted jokes, the calendar has a serious purpose, the memory of a WI member, Annie’s late husband. Annie, Patricia Hodge, is encouraged by best friend Chris, played by Lynda Bellingham, along with four other friends to lose their clothes for the calendar. Initially the ladies are swept along in a wave of excitement at the calendar’s release, and embrace their roles as media darlings. Chris, however, resents the attention, instead replying
Women regular Lynda Bellingham tops the bill and certainly earns her position as top dog. A hit with the audience, she controls the action as well as the other girls. Fresh from winning ITVs Dancing on Ice, national darling Gaynor Faye impresses as Celia, with a better body than many a student let alone the aged audience. I could feel the unbreakable stare from all five male audience members as she stripped off, her modesty just about covered by two sticky buns. The raucous laughter of Elaine C Smith penetrates each scene as she quickly becomes an audience favourite. Her self deprecating humour and musical talents provide much of the comic relief.
centre of the badminton stage which is raised against a green rolling-hills background, to successfully create the effect of the Yorkshire dales. The badminton court stage itself is an intelligent touch, as it evokes a slightly cheap British church hall used to suite a range of activities. The most hilarious scene, conducted by Ruth and Knapely WI leader Marie, played by Brigit Forsyth, involves a game of badminton with no net. This fabulous performance was well worth a night out in the King’s Theatre if only to reverse any drab memories of the film. The production now travels south from Edinburgh and it promises guaranteed laughter and tears for granny and granddaughter alike.
Calendar Girls James Baster
Accidental Death of an Anarchist Bedlam Theatre 15 & 16 October
aaadd I’ve always assumed the police in Italy during the 1960’s would be a grumpy bunch of thugs. According to Accidental Death of an Anarchist I was right. For the ignorant among you - who don’t have Wikipedia like me - the play was written by Nobel Prize winner Dario Fo, and is a satire of police corruption, set in a Milan police station where an anarchist has recently fallen to his death from a fourth floor window. This event did actually take place in the aftermath of a terrorist bombing, but despite the rather serious background the play is a very funny comment on this period in Italian history. It is centred around a character, known as the Maniac, who manages to infiltrate a police station by impersonation, in an attempt to reopen the enquiry into the death of the anarchist. Fred Gordon gives a great performance as the Maniac, giving the part a vehement energy. I imagine it’s quite a difficult role to play; having to be fast talking, loud, eccentric and yet still give the audience the impression there’s more to the character. In the first scene the Maniac is interrogated by Inspector Bertozzo, played by Tom Pritchard and his Constable, Simon Ginty. Despite the Inspector’s rather short fuse, the Maniac eventually manages to trick his way into another policeman’s office by claiming to be a judge investigating the anarchist’s death. The second Inspector, played by Henry Peters, seems to have the appearance and personality of a Blair-
James Baster
ite spin-doctor. By that I mean he’s an angry, bullying, insecure fruit cake; so more Alastair Campbell than Mandelson. The Superintendent, Robin Johnson, then makes a rather flamboyant entrance, wielding a hammer and shouting, and royally puts his foot in it. The play has a good mixture of witty dialogue and slapstick comedy, but I feel some of the more biting lines would have had more effect on an audience when it was first performed in 1970. Having said that, there is still plenty to enjoy and the audience was even treated to a couple of musical numbers which had obviously been well rehearsed and were performed with a certain relish. Towards the end of the first act it felt as if the pace was starting to slow, and some of the characters were losing a bit of energy. However, the second act seemed to go very quickly, with far more laugh out loud moments. Fred Gordon has everyone guffawing as he reappears in an inspired costume and the introduction of a new character, a female journalist played by Alice Bonifacio, keeps things fresh. In the middle of the second act the cast take a sort of postmodern break from the play to discuss modern politics and the lack of women in the seventies Italian police force. It also sees the Constable moaning about his lack of lines but, I thought, mixed with his facial expressions, Simon Ginty has some of the best quips. The scene had me chuckling, though I have to admit it did feel a little forced. Perhaps they were just indulging in a bit of anarchy themselves; and besides it was good to see some original jokes put in. Overall Accidental Death of an Anarchist is a fun show, that blends silly sight gags, witty one-liners, and biting satire. It’s a shame it was on for such a short time. Stephen Thomas
King’s Theatre 13 - 18 October
aaaaa
22 Lifestyle
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
LIFESTYLE: I feel good...
Memoirs of a yoga virgin...
Plant Potential Kimberlee McLaughlan tackles health from the roots LEADING A HEALTHY lifestyle is often lost on us students, which is hardly surprising considering that a typical night out for most consists of necking nasty spirits and a nutritious trip to the chippie for afters. The result? Spots, black bags, little pots where once upon a time a washboard stomach resided, combined with a general grogginess and apathy towards life. Avoiding alcohol and other toxins whilst eating our greens and vigorously exercising would rid us of such problems. This advice is rarely acted upon. So here are Student’s top herbal healers for when you’re left feeling like an ash tray/skip.
diseases such as liver cirrhosis. And importantly for students, when consumed before and after a drinking session, milk thistle can considerably lower the risk of a nasty hangover by decreasing the amount of work that your liver has to do. ALOE VERA – Bad skin Aloe Vera, a member of the lily and onion family, has recognized healing properties, which is why it is heavily utilized in many high end skin care products. Its moisturising properties are unique, and it works by improving the skin’s ability to hydrate itself, removing dead skin cells, thus encouraging the ability to transport healthy substances through the skin. Typically, aloe vera is used to combat dry and cracked skin, burns, blisters, and allergic reactions. Use also to combat common skin ailments such as spots and eczema.
GREEN TEA – general well being The Chinese have long been aware of the health benefits associated with green tea consumption, using it to treat everything from headaches to depression for the last 4000 years. The secret to green tea is its powerful anti-oxidants which halt oxidative damage to cells, and appear to possess other disease fighting properties. Although such research is speculative, scientific studies have discovered connections between early prevention of cancerous cells, reduced risk of heart diseases, and a raised metabolism combined with an increase of fat oxidation. The promise of healthy insides free from disease and a trim figure should
be more than enough to persuade green tea swigging. Three to five cups a day is common in green tea cultures like China to feeling the health benefits. To be bought for a quid or more in most supermarkets and health stores. MILK THISTLE – for caning the booze
Milk thistle has been used to cure liver ailments by the Ancient Greeks, and for over 2000 years by the Chinese. Scientists have secured proof that the herb not only protects the liver from toxins, but can play an important part in the healing process too, helping to repair liver cells and promote the regeneration of new ones. Consequently, milk thistle has had a positive effect on
GOJI BERRIES - Superfood An amazing antioxidant, the power of goji berries has been utilized in parts of Asia for centuries. The Western world recognizes the fruit as ‘Wolf Berries’, which detoxifies the body by cleaning the blood. This can result in glowing skin, a strengthened immune system, and peaceful sleep.
It’s time to veg out: Susie’s Wholefood Diner : 5/5 Maddie Walder gets stuffed (minus the chicken)
SUSIE’S DINER, just a hop, skip and jump from Appleton Tower, is a cosy wee place rebelling from the cult of chain eating, immediately setting it apart from the microwave loving tack holes of Edinburgh that we generously call restaurants. Welcomed as friends, not customers, from the minute we stepped through the chunky red door, this little haven offers a down to earth and unique eating experience to suit the student budget, with no nasty additives in sight. For a maximum of seven pounds, choose up to four dishes from a literal feast of delectable veggie hot plates. And for the ignorant folk who snort that dinner without meat is like Sooty without Sweep, contemplate once more, my friends. This is Susie’s Diner. Get ready for a
MEET TRACE. Her idea of exercise constitutes stumbling up the stairs to her flat. And she lives on the second floor. But, thanks to the super persuasive power of Student, our Trace has agreed to dabble her reluctant feet in the quagmire of alternative health.
taste sensation. If you’re looking for silver service this joint is not for you. But hey, it’s in the name. It’s a diner and it lives up to the stereotype. Retro counter, help-yourself water (in an appropriately rustic jug), cutlery tray and no promise of waitress service harks back to the days of school dinners, but I reckon it’s all part of the charm of this unpretentious little gem. The lovely lady behind the counter ensured that each recipe is home devised and cooked fresh the morning of service, whilst all ingredients are bought from the green grocer round the corner. All organic and preservative free! And, believe you me, if you had spent 6 weeks on an organic diet and witnessed the godly glow radiating from your very pores, you too would herald healthy eating as the answer to all your pulling problems. For me; chunky Spanish tortilla, delectable spinach, feta and filo tart, fresh tomato and courgette salad drizzled in pesto and olive oil, plus a sweet and sour tofu stir fry. A healthy dollop of home made hummus (blitzed up on request), put the cherry right smack on top of the dairy free cake. For my dinner buddy, lentil, carrot and cumin dhal,
spicy ratatouille and chilli cheese potato were piled high in an uncanny resemblance toArthur’s Seat on a plate. The fresh explosion of Mediterranean inspired flavours, though contrasting, were complimentary to the last degree. The experience was enhanced by slender rouge candles balanced on a hotch potch collection of white washed tables, lending the place a feel of rustic Brittany. Desert topped the board. Swirls of rich, tangy cream covered in zingy raspberries, plucked fresh, juiced up and dolloped on a base of sweet, chewy flapjack was a finger licking twist on the traditional cheesecake. My favourite part of the night? Well, putting aside the warm staff, medley of customers from bairns to
grandmas, flexible opening hours (last orders at 9pm, with the same prices all day long) and the quaint in store health shop, I have to choose the presence of a live folk band. Gracing Susie’s Diner with their pirate-esque rumpus, a couple of musicians on the eclectic mix of accordion and clarinet, jammed the night away in a succession of rollicking gypsy crackers. With corkage at two pounds a bottle and an atmosphere so relaxed it’s lying down, Susie’s Diner is the secret ingredient for a perfect evening out. Or lunch. Or afternoon snack. And they do takeaways, too. What’s not to love?!
Yoga town... Population: Trace, the local vicar, three OAPS. 7am: You have to be kidding. I feel as rough as the Teviot Moose. 7.15: Wow. I look hot in leggings. 7.30: Please just me and
say it’s not Parson Brown.
7.35: The session begins with a jog. What the hell is this? I didn’t pay four pounds of my measly earnings to knacker myself out in this apparently ‘relaxing’ class. Damn it - I want my therapeutic music and unfathomably ludicrous stretches. 8am: Must. Stop. Laughing. Pretend to sneeze. Leave class for air. 8.15: That’s more like it. Minus the above blip, sparked by the hilarity of the ‘lion face’ (widen eyes, open mouth, stick tongue out as far as possible and EXHAAALE like your life depends on it), this whole yoga malarkey is panning out nicely. My body, having been folded into various animalistic positions (the cobra and the downward dog are my faves), has surprised me with its agility and defiance of gravity...That’s right. I can stand on one leg for over a minute. 8.40: This breathing thing is great. I feel calm. Calm as the sea on a tranquil Sunday afternoon. I’m lying on a sandy beach, waves lapping my toes, sun beating gently upon my hard-worked brow. I let myself drift away, away, away... 8.41: Back to reality - Old Maureen in front of me definitely just left one go. Take note: student only classes from now on. 8.45: Mission complete. I feel significantly refreshed. Deceptively difficult, yet achievable, the stretches and routines empty the mind and invigorate the senses. Whether it be the magic of this class or the extreme arctic temperatures of Autumnal Edinburgh, I am raring to tackle the day head on. Now to let my newly calmed mind float over the topics for my next essay. Ommmmm...
18/11/08
TV 23
www.studentnewspaper.org
Fern Brady
Salima Izagaren
IT’S 2AM and as the credits of the Celebrity Scissorhands finale roll down the screen, I’m struck with the appalling realisation that, like a dog returning to its own vomit, I’ve followed the entire series for three weeks. How did this happen? Much as I love Charlie Brooker (though his work is somewhat derivative of my own), I thought he was going a bit far when he made the point that reality TV is turning us all into zombies. I quickly changed my view on witnessing the finale of this show which consisted of dead-eyed people clapping numbly in time to music while Steadman from Five Star (a kind of Tesco Value version of Michael Jackson) danced around a haircut.This process was repeated several times over with the other non-entities while my eyes rolled back into my head and drool spilled from my mouth. Nonetheless, it would be kind of hypocritical to deride the haircuts produced, primarily because above I appear to be smugly wearing a sort of Lego-man’s helmet of hair in my picture. But for fuck’s sake, three weeks spent doing a slightly modified graduated bob? Celebrity Scissorhands is like a lot of TV that interests me; to the average viewer, it’s pointless shite that shouldn’t be on; to the discerning TV critic it raises numberless issues, each more complex than the last. There’s Lee ‘I’M NOT GAY’ Stafford, who proved a constant source of fascination with his aggressively heterosexual similes regarding hairdressing: ‘Oi, mate, cutting hair’s like playing Premiership Football, innit’ and other variations of that sort (boxing, making love to a beautiful woman, etc). Then there was the problem of Zammo from Grange Hill, who, despite having reached the twilight of his life, has remained trapped in a permanent childlike state. His face has lost none of the youthful enthusiasm or openness that made the ‘Just Say No’ campaign an international success. On a middle-aged face however, this had the consequence of making him look like a friendly reprobate. And of course, the same thing happened that happens every time I get too involved in a second-rate TV show. Like the time I had confusing feelings for Jeremy Kyle, or the tragic period when I started emailing the panel at Loose Women, I began to feel a powerful attraction towards Lee Stafford, a feeling rendered even more conflicted by the fact that I bought a pair of his hair-straighteners recently. They were fucking atrocious.
I HAVE long awaited the political fervour of the English Civil War to be removed from the classroom and brought to small screen. Forget David Starkey - tune into C4 to find sexual scandal amongst enemies and lovers caught up in ideological battles against tyranny; The Devil’s Whore. Even more exciting is creator Peter Flannery’s ensemble of Britain’s finest for the £7m four-part drama. The drama immediately introduces us to the dirty, sexy Angelica Fanshawe, (Andrea Riseborough). After her mother runs off to France to become a nun, an abandoned Angelica rejects God, starts to have visions of the Devil, and starts sleeping around. Which was not really the done thing in those days. At the same time that Angelica’s cousin turned husband Harry (Ben Aldridge), rejects her for her sexual adventures, Charles I, (Peter Capaldi), finds himself in trouble. The Levellers, headed by John Lilburne, demand equal rights for the working class with the support of the brooding Edward Sexby (John Simm), and Oliver Cromwell (Dominic West). In true C4 style, this was never going to be your average rendition of 17th century Britain, so if you’re looking for a televised replacement of the British History textbook, this isn’t for you. For everyone else The Devil’s Whore will be a stonking good romp.
Straight to the Point
Sexual Revolution
‘Will you be my friend?’ Asks Neil Oliver of a museum souvenir shop toy
History bluff
Neil Oliver is the angriest man on telly, says Jonathan Holmes NEIL OLIVER has been irritating me since Coast, where his mysteriously angry whispers about Scotland’s cliffs merely gave the impression he was stalking Orkney. Since moving firmly in front of the camera, things have got much worse. His latest documentary/ tirade is A History of Scotland, and not only does Oliver struggle to make our nation’s story the least bit interesting, he seems to take every chapter as a personal insult. Oliver’s presenting style is one of rage simmering behind a thin veneer of Gaelic warlords. Every piece to camera involves him fixing the viewer with a stare, shouting something about Cínaed as if the Pictish king had insulted his granddaughter, then storming out of view. I kept expecting him to bullet point each section by kneecapping someone. Even when our Angry Young Historian isn’t acting like a
man out to avenge his family’s brutal murder by Vikings, the show is prone to some absurdly melodramatic touches. Every sentence ends with a faux world changing, utterly meaningless ‘revelation’: expect to hear phrases like “would never be the same/forever changed/echoes down the ages” so often you’ll wonder why we aren’t still fending off Angle invaders. There are at least three different scenes of Oliver clinging to the prow of a boat, crashing through the waves like he’s off to liberate Europe from the Nazis and at one point, we witness a festival where middle aged men dress up as Norsemen to burn a papier-mâché longboat. Standing in front of a bunch of tubby, grinning accountants, horns poking out of their woolly hats, Oliver proclaims without irony that “this is what the end of the world looks
like”. The words ‘bang’, ‘whimper’ and ‘twat-face’ spring to mind. What’s more, A History of Scotland falls into genre-pitfalls like a blind man at an archaeological dig. Thus the army which drove the Vikings from Pictland becomes four guys balancing on horses, and immense battles are substituted with shaky shots of empty fields. Only some pretty amateurish 3D maps convinced me that this wasn’t an artefact from the bad old days of under-funded documentaries otherwise known as the 90s. There are so many clichés they distract you from learning anything, and learning is fun. The overall effect is, fittingly, infuriating. Neil Oliver needs to put on a Dido CD, light some candles and take a long bubble bath, because at the moment the only thing raising my blood pressure is him.
You’re barred
It’s last orders for those being called to the Bar says Susan Robinson
‘NO MUM, everyone hates coleslaw!’ She pauses to ask cameraman. ‘NO! Don’t get coleslaw!’ Don’t you just love how the most important moments of your life are almost inevitably tempered with the most trivial? Anna, a trainee barrister, is about to enter an interview for a hotly contested place at a prestigious criminal chamber but it is nice to know that her mum still does her shopping. The system for appointing barristers in the UK is changing, the Inns of Court has been replaced with Bar vocational courses that cost £12,000 and run in universities all over the UK. The Barristers follows four hopefuls through their training alongside a real court case in Citadel Chambers after race riots in Birmingham. What becomes apparent is that in law, performance is crucial. Enter Jo Darby who traded her successful
theatre career to enter the legal profession. Her drama skills certainly show as she confidently crossexamines one of her classmates, even if she does slightly mar the Amanda Burton act by asking: ‘you were quite pissed weren’t you?’ However Jo thrashes Iqbal in a mooting in the main hall of the Middle Temple. Iqbal has wanted to be a lawyer ever since he helped his mother with her divorce papers when he was seven. As admirable as his ambitions are, he lets slip the phrase: ‘I ask your lordships to turn over’ several times during his practice speech. Although the Inn is no longer solely responsible for training, the society does provide support and opportunities. Paul Darling QC, described by Chambers UK as a ‘cross between a Rottweiler and the Andrex
“Iqbal wanted to be a lawyer ever since he helped his mother with her divorce papers when he was seven”
puppy’ stresses the sense of equality within the establishment however the stories of the barristers indicate differently. Kat Piercy has a 2:1 from Oxford and wants to specialise in European law. She needs experience in elite commercial chambers which attract extremely high calibre applicants as commercial lawyers make five times more than their criminal counterparts. Her competitors will usually have a first, a masters and experience at the UN or EU. Cash strapped Kat hasn’t the time for such luxuries but and practicing barristers are inclined to agree. Dickie Bond, barrister for 20 years is staying up until two in the morning preparing a case related to riots in Birmingham. His senior, Adrian Redgrave, his doppelganger except with whiter hair and bushier
eyebrows agrees in retrospect he would have practiced criminal law at solicitors firm where it is possible to earn double. When it costs £30,000 to reach the bar before earning a penny, equal opportunities are not a possibility. This is a shame as they make it seem like bloody good fun as Dickie joshes with Adrian: ‘Are you going to see the mistress tonight?’ Unfortunately only former actress Jo attains a pupillage, Kat wonders if her £12,000 was well spent because although she is awarded a Very Competent in her exams she also receives ten rejections. Iqbal is deemed Competent which is unlikely to get him a job and Anna, who in her interview gave an argument about why someone should sit in bath of baked beans for charity (‘me and my sense of humour’), fails her civil exam. It just goes to show, law is all an act.
Tech 24
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Worms Armageddon PROD, ROPE, Baseball Bat, Shotgun, Uzi, Minigun, Dynamite, Bazooka, Homing Missile, Grenade, Fire Punch, Dragon Ball, Kamikaze, Flamethrower, Holy Hand Grenade, Banana Bomb, Priceless Ming Vase, Old Woman, Super Sheep, Homing Pigeon, Napalm Air Strike, Carpet Bomb, Inflatable Scouser, French Sheep Strike, Concrete Donkey, Mail Strike, Mad Cow, Armageddon... death... silence. Worms. -Craig ‘DF’ Wilson
Baldur’s Gate II: Shadows of Amn WOULDN’T IT be wonderful if real life was more like an RPG? You would have infinite time to consider options for every sentence in a conversation and you could gain skills in any activity under the sun simply by massacring goblins. If life was an RPG we could only hope it would be something like the undisputed king of all RPGs, Baldur’s Gate II. A superlative plot, truly lovable characters, and a miniature giant space hamster all add up to the greatest game I’ve ever played. To be honest, real life can piss off. -Stuart Ritchie
Pacman WAKKA WAKKA wakka wakka! There’s no logical explanation for why playing Pacman is the delightful experience it is: in real life, being transformed into a yellow wedge and gobbling up as many dots as possible before being gobbled up in turn by ghosts would be a nightmare scenario. Yet somehow on the screen, its pure magic. And for true fans, Primark now sells themed underwear! Wee-ee-oo bloop bloop! -Mairi Gordon
The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask OFTEN OVERLOOKED in favour of its inferior brother Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask is a testament to just how emotionally powerful video games can be. The Zelda staples of exploring dungeons and fighting monsters take a back seat to uncovering the secrets of the people inhabiting the game’s world, who thanks to the quality of the writing seem both bizarre and utterly real. Featuring more depth than the average novel, Majora’s Mask maturely handles questions of identity, love and loss while still finding room for talking beavers and a giant mechanical goat. -Robert Shepherd
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater DESPITE THE ridiculous bosses, boxes and haircuts I’ve loved the Metal Gear Solid series ever since it was reborn on the PlayStation. The level of realism set the standard for a whole generation of gaming and I’ll never forget the day the fourth wall was well and truly broken when an in-game character told me to search for the ‘CD case’. Kojima dropped the ball with MGS2 and its pathetic protagonist Raiden, but Snake Eater was a dramatic return to form. I think there’s only a handful of games before or since that have managed to live up to their hype quite so well. -Neil Pooran
Thief: Deadly Shadows FORGET SAM Fisher with those three stupid lights on his stupid head. The cynical, club-wielding Garrett is the original and best sneaky bastard. All the Thief games are good, but Deadly Shadows contains one of the most astounding (and terrifying) pieces of level design ever conceived – the Shalebridge Cradle. -Richard Lane
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Tech 25
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 SONIC THE Hedgehog started with my love affair with the hyperactive blue mammal, but Sonic 2 defined my childhood. From the sublime level design to the final confrontation against a giant mechanical egg, all set to a truly iconic soundtrack, it’s a bundle of joy to from start to finish. Forget the ridiculous sidekicks and Sonic’s downward spiral into the third dimension- this is the best (Sonic) game ever. -Alan Williamson
Sim City 2000 START SOMEWHERE. Beside a river. Tiny houses. Small industry provides jobs. Shops sell industrial wares. More roads, less traffic. Housing sprawls everywhere. More jobs. More industry, dense factories. Fire. People unsafe. Build fire and police stations. City is large. Dense, full of smog. Water tower useless. Use a pump. Less roads, more traffic. Buses. Schools and hospitals. How about trains. Where is my income. Roads don’t work. Cut back on funding. I can’t cut back on funding. I WILL REGRET THIS! Sprawling mess. Done. Destroy. Start all over again. -Jamie Manson
Panzer Dragoon Saga ALL RIGHT, I admit it. I have two favourite games. Still deluded that Final Fantasy VII is the best roleplaying game ever? Think again. Panzer Dragoon Saga is so bursting with character, drama, atmosphere, attention to detail and downright awesomeness that to use the word ‘masterpiece’ seems barely sufficient. It’s not just the best Sega Saturn game ever made; it’s the best Sega game ever made and an experience that will stay with me long after I’ve forgotten about Final Fantasy XXVI. -AW
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion OBLIVION IS fantastic. The graphics are stunning, the action is intense and there is always something else to do. If at any point you find yourself bored of following the well scripted and engrossing main quest, the game is saturated with a multitude of sub quests to leave you always wanting more. Oblivion solves most of the problems evident in earlier Elder Scrolls games, especially removing the chore of travelling across its sixteen square miles of forest and mountain ranges. With the option to create whatever character you imagine, the possibilities are limitless. -Max Greene
Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 TONY HAWK’S 2 is a dangerous game. When it came out I was 11 years old, very suggestible and had all the coordination of a newborn horse. My skating career lasted about three days and four stitches, but the game stuck with me: the freedom of movement and the option to customise meant that I was still playing it two years later. The series always had great soundtracks but this was the one that sparked a teenage taste for loud, angry music and all the angsty, baggy-jeaned idiocy that comes with it. Cheers, Neversoft… -Lyle Brennan
MOST ACTION adventure games focus on combat and add some puzzles or platform action on the side, but The Sands of Time flips this around by focusing on the platform aspect of the game. Both platforming and combat are fun, fluid, and well integrated. Combined with a great story, stunning graphics and the ability to rewind time to correct your mistakes, Sands delivers an incredibly enjoyable experience from start to finish. -Tom Hasler
26 Sport
Student
Week 5 21.10.08
Depression looms for Burley Thomas Kerr reflects on the state of the Scottish national team following George Burley’s poor start as manager The mood on George Street is grim these days. A last days of Rome malaise is starting to emerge amongst the harried and fearful workers of Royal Bank of Scotland and HBOS as they flit from brasserie to bar, unsure where their next Christmas bonus will come from; heck, whether there will even be a Christmas bonus. Times are hard for the twin behemoths of Scottish finance and their employees, but their fall from grace amidst plummeting world markets is increasingly symptomatic of a nation whose tumble back into our traditional pessimism has been supported step-by-faltering-step by the recent failures of the national side. In economic terms Scottish football is in a depression. The woeful performance of our club teams in Europe this season has already been widely reported. The national team is suffering a more lingering decline. The emphatic 3-1 victory over Ukraine at Hampden in the last qualifying campaign was a full year ago now and is beginning to seem an even more distant memory. Since then the Scotland team have recorded just one win in eight games, and even that a narrow and somewhat fortuitous 2-1 victory over the mighty Iceland. Meanwhile, the insipid Scotland squad have been tramping despondently across Europe falling victim to international football lightweights such as Georgia and Macedonia. Our rise to prominence in the FIFA rankings – only one position behind England as recently as September – has been swiftly curtailed as we hurtled steeply downwards at the last update from 16th to 26th. The justification for that ranking is looking increasingly thin. Wins at home and away against France in the last few years came amidst a general optimism in the country that saw a competent bunch of players vastly exceed reasonable expectations. The miserable years of Berti Vogts had been consigned to the history books and in charge of the national team stood first Walter Smith, widely respected by at least one half of the Scottish football establishment, and when he somewhat controversially abandoned the national team mid-campaign in favour of a second spell at Rangers Alex McLeish accepted the responsibility of attempting to lead the national team to Austria and Switzerland. Both managers were tactically diligent and ensured that they got the most out of the limited pool of talent available to them. A sensational string of results were based upon tactical conservatism, a rigid 4-5-1 formation and the occasional burst of brilliance from James McFadden.
Of course, we all know the road to Euro 2008 ended in tears against Italy. To us Scots, it was a reminder that we are forever doomed to be heroic failures. What could be more typical, we muttered darkly, than the manner in which Italy rode their luck in putting an end to our stubborn resistance. Meanwhile, Alex McLeish followed Walter’s example and politely excused himself from the Scotland hotseat, slinking down to England to mastermind Birmingham’s relegation to the Championship. The sense of anti-climax was palpable, but the optimism that had driven Scotland’s remarkable campaign still existed. Top-class players like Craig Gordon and Alan Hutton
Of course we all know the road to Euro 2008 ended in tears against Italy. To us Scots, it was a reminder that we are forever doomed to be heroic failures were evidence enough that Scotland had come a long way from the dark days of scouring the English lower leagues for faux-Scots like Robbie Stockdale and Paul Devlin. But it was inevitable that depression would set in before long; to come so close to qualifying in a group that contained both the previous World Cup finalists and missing out by the
thinnest of margins was a bitter pill to swallow for the success-starved Tartan Army. The appointment of George Burley as Alex McLeish’s successor was divisive from the start. Burley has never been without his detractors in Scotland and in a close-fought race for the job with Graeme Souness many in the media and Tartan Army felt the SFA had made a rash decision to snub the vastly experienced Souness. Burley himself has proved an odd character; a scrupulously polite and genial man, he nevertheless gives off an air of vague indifference that has endeared him to very few who do not know him personally. Those who do, and those who work with him, tend to insist Burley is a superb manager and a pleasure to work alongside. The recent decisions of Ranger’s strikers Kris Boyd and Lee McCulloch to retire from international football – in Boyd’s case, with the explicit condition that he would happily return as soon as Burley had left the set-up – seem to suggest that viewpoint might not be so widely shared. None of that would matter if Burley was the success we all hoped he would be. We relished the prospect of attacking football after years of dour defensive displays, but perhaps wiser hands might have asked why we were endorsing such a radical change of direction. We needed some wag to shout out, “Haw, Burley. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it?” No one did. From the get go Burley’s attacking football has carried more than
a whiff of denial about it, his 4-3-3 looking more like 4-1-4-1 and unable to deliver many goals either. Failure to score in a home friendly against Northern Ireland and in a 10 away defeat to Macedonia, leav-
We needed some wag to shout out, “Haw, Burley. Didn’t anyone ever tell you that if it ain’t broken, don’t fix it?” No one did ing Burley without a win in his first four games, finally set alarm bells ringing. While the 2-1 victory in Reykjavik this September alleviated some of the pressure now mounting on Burley the scoreless draw against Norway at Hampden last week was as poor a performance as any the team has put in under the new manager. Once again Burley deployed his mysterious 4-3-3 formation which predictably collapsed into a 4-1-4-1. McFadden was left hopelessly isolated upfront, bizarrely forced to field long balls that he never stood a chance of winning. Maloney and Morrison worked diligently but without reward on the wings - quite what target man they were supposed to be putting crosses into is anyone’s guess. The second-half change to 4-42 was the correct move made far
too late. But even in that Burley could not resist riling the Hampden faithful, substituting fans-favourite James McFadden, who despite his lonely task upfront had worked hard and looked the most likely player to forge an opening, and ignoring the prolific goalscoring presence of Kris Boyd on the bench in favour of Hib’s Steven Fletcher and the 30-year old Wolves striker Chris Iwelumo. Between them the substitutes had mustered just one cap previously. Iwelumo’s remarkable miss just moments later – a two foot tap in that he somehow skewed past the left post – will no doubt haunt both Burley and Iwelumo’s dreams for many years to come. Had it gone in, as it surely must have if Iwelemu were ever given the chance again, Burley’s substitution would have been hailed as a masterstoke, his snubs to Boyd and McFadden forgotten. In the event it didn’t, and the scrutiny that Burley now faces is more than deserved. There is a whiff of Berti Vogts about Burley’s recent performance. The call-up of the 30-year old Chris Iwelemu cannot fail to evoke comparisons with Berti’s tenure, when the hapless German called up a string of in-form journeyman strikers such as Dougie Freedman and Stevie Crawford with notoriously poor results. Still more Berti-esque was the bemusement on the faces of the Tartan Army at Burley’s selection and subs. His insistence after the game that his players had played well and, even more oddly, that he got his tactics correct smacked of the sort of incompetent denial employed extensively by Vogts. Scotland’s sails may be flapping in the wind right now, but a kind wind might yet steer us out of our footballing doldrums. We still have to face both Norway and Macedonia and victories in those fixtures would probably steer us to 2nd spot, but that alone is unlikely to give the points total required to be one of the best placed runners-up and recipient of a play-off spot. More intriguingly we are still to cross swords with the qualifying group’s top seeds the Netherlands, and Scotland are infamous for reserving their best performances for when they are hefty underdogs. Yet the prevailing mood inside Hampden and the George Street haunts of the employees of Scottish banks remains the same. A nervous optimism, a faint hope that all is not quite as bad as it appears. Optimism, however, has rarely sat well on Scottish shoulders, and with the onset of winter the cold fingers of pessimism are closing in on Scottish hearts once again.
Week 5 21.10.08
Student
Sport 27
Glasgow Caledonian see off Edinburgh Men’s Basketball Scottish Conference University of Edinburgh Glasgow Caledonian University
60 85
Alistair Shand Edinburgh University’s men’s basketball team were defeated in their latest match against Glasgow Caledonian University. A glance at the two teams in the pre-game warm up revealed that the Glasgow team carried a huge physical presence against a relatively diminutive Edinburgh side. Indeed the away team started the match with a rangy and imposing unit and the height advantage began to tell early on in the game. Glasgow came out of the huddle aggressively and two strong moves to the basket signalled their intent and awarded them an early 4-0 lead. However, signs of an early surge from Glasgow were nullified by Edinburgh as Horton drove forcefully to the hoop and finished well each time to level the match after a sluggish Edinburgh start. However, it was the visitors who again threatened to open up a significant lead as the Glasgow forwards got into good positions in the key and knocked down open shots. It was clear from the outset that this was to be a battle of the fast break against the half-court set with Glasgow employing the latter to good effect. Donnelly, in particular, the lofty but skilful guard for the guests, caused Edinburgh problems on defence and it was he who was the catalyst for a 13-4 Glasgow run towards the end of the first quarter. Edinburgh on the other hand struggled to find space in
a congested Glasgow key, resulting in poor shooting. The first quarter ended with the visitors on top 2411. However, the second quarter commenced with Edinburgh adopting a more intense style of play, forcing errors from the Glasgow ball handler. The resulting turnovers meant Edinburgh could run fast breaks and mount an assault on the sizeable deficit. Several neat moves involving de Weeps and Vudiken for the hosts allowed for unchallenged lay-ups which eroded the lead further. Furthermore, slick ball movement created an opening for de Weeps to drain a shot from beyond the stripe, sparking excitement on the home bench. However, as the fightback gathered steam Glasgow’s talented guard, Donnelly, connected with several tough jump shots to cut short Edinburgh’s run and regain the momentum. Admittedly, before the Glasgow recovery Vudiken for Edinburgh had two three-point shots that seemed destined to hit nothing but net rattle off the iron and the loose balls were gobbled up by ravenous defensive forwards. The lead was up to 19 by half-time, mainly down to the sharpshooting of Donnelly as his strong drives to the basket and smooth jump shot wreaked havoc in the Edinburgh key area. A frantic third quarter followed as the turnover count started to rise for both teams. However, while Edinburgh only managed occasional successful jaunts to the basket while Glasgow maintained their frustrating precision from the free throw line and mid-range jump shots to keep the scoreboard ticking over. A lack of penetration into the key and in-
cisiveness near the basket meant the deficit Edinburgh were chasing rarely dipped below the 20 point mark. At the end of the third period Edinburgh trailed by 58-40. At the start of the fourth quarter it was Horton once more, who was asking the questions for Edinburgh. He took plenty of punishment on his regular, fearless drives to the hoop and twice managed to complete a
three-point play by absorbing the contact from the defender and finishing the shot in mid-air. However, despite these brave solo efforts at the basket a three-point shot from a Glasgow forward was a dagger through the heart for Edinburgh. Donnelly, who had been a pivotal figure for Glasgow throughout was the one who deservedly delivered the exclamation point on the victory
for the visitors. The tall point guard stepped inside his marker and threw down a two handed slam that left the rim rocking and the Glasgow bench roaring. The match finished 85-60 in Glasgow’s favour which was a disappointing return for the home team who, if they had taken chances in the first quarters, may have altered the final score-line.
Hunter Terry
REACH FOR THE STARS: A last gasp intervention fails to stop Edinburgh adding to their tally
Success in the water for Edinburgh’s rowers Andrew Brooman reports on the Head of the Forth boating race Despite a gushing stream and gusting head-wind, the first Head Race to be organised by the Edinburgh University Boat Club (EUBC) for quite a number of years took place under crisp blue skies in Stirling two weekends ago. A Head Race is a time-trial style of race, where one crew follows another down the six-kilometre course in processional style, with the winners being the crews to cover the course in the quickest time, not necessarily first across the line. On this occasion, however, a quadruple scull from Stirling RC and Castle Semple RC finished at the front of a pack of 29 crews, and won the race with a very quick time indeed. Finishing in second place was
the EUBC Men’s 1st coxed four, stroked elegantly by this year’s men’s captain, Tamir Binmalley. Normally Head Races take place over about five kilometres, and can take anything up to twenty minutes. However, due to a very strong stream, and the fact that the Head of the Forth was being held over six kilometres, times were subsequently rather slow. The fastest women’s four was from EUBC, including two returners from last year’s Scottish University Championship winning eight. The Victor Ludorum prize for most successful club of the day went to St. Andrew BC, with winners in three of the categories, including women’s novice coxed fours.
HHter Terry
IN UNISON: Edinburgh’s men on their way to a second place finish
28 Sport
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Week 5 21.10.08
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Lacrosse men cruise to victory Men’s Lacrosse Scottish Conference University of Edinburgh University of Aberdeen
Student’s wry look at the world of sport Norwich City versus Derby County is hardly a fixture that gets people reaching for the sedatives. Most people in Derby stayed at home, forgoing the trip to Norfolk in order to watch the 28th annual National Kettle-Boiling championships, while in Norwich the biggest attraction that day was between two cousins. However, somewhere in Asia, some 6,000 miles away, it seems a keen interest was taken in the game - so much so that the government has announced an investigation into the possibility of matchfixing. Match-fixing? Norwich versus Derby? Fixed? Norwich hasn’t seen scandal like this since the abolishment of tractor lanes. But the government seem to think there has been some “irregular” activity on Asian betting web sites. Basically, someone bet on Derby to win, and they did, and no one can believe it. The bet was more likely made on something such as who would receive the first yellow card. A lot of money was then placed on a certain player, who surprise surprise, went on to receive the first caution. While the long arm of the law needs to stretch itself to reach Asia, they will need to do well to find someone, somewhere in Asia – how big could it be? - who is guilty of this corruption of our beautiful game. Of course, if the match was fixed, and let’s face it, who cares if it was, it means there was a little rat player or referee who has sold some information for a bit of extra cash. I’m willing to point fingers, cry wolf and punish those responsible; after all, who would notice if a Norwich or Derby player ‘disappeared’ after this incident? In fact, does anybody know any Norwich or Derby players? Any at all? This is no Italy where the giant clubs are involved. No, this is Derby County and Norwich City, and everybody at the clubs now seems to be walking around with an ‘I’ve-no-idea-what’s-going-on’ expression etched on their faces. They can’t believe it, and in all seriousness, neither can I.
David Wagner
17 5
James Pope Edinburgh’s Lacrosse men cruised to a emphatic victory in their second league match of the season. Having beaten Stirling in the opening match of their campaign, they made sure that they retained top spot in the group. The visitors, Aberdeen University, were hoping for more success on the road than they saw at home when they lost to St Andrews 17-1. But in Edinburgh they found the only side in Scotland who compete with (and regularly beat) St Andrews. It was Aberdeen who started brightly and managed to score straight from the start inside 30 seconds, with their best player breaking free on his own and giving his side an early advantage. Aberdeen could only hold onto their lead for all of two minutes, however, as Edinburgh equalised quickly and edged into the lead soon after with some slick play. The first quarter was an edgy affair and finished with Edinburgh narrowly 3-2 in front. From then on though, Edinburgh started to stamp their dominance on the game. Fast and intricate play with some excellent passing moves and strong challenges saw Edinburgh open up a 9-4 lead at the halfway point. The third quarter proved to be tighter as Aberdeen looked to
smother the Edinburgh attack but it was again the home side who dominated and their level of skill and aggression turned out to be too much for the Aberdeen team. Although Edinburgh managed just two further goals, their dominance was clear to see. Any hopes of a comeback from their northern rivals were soon put to bed in the final quarter. Although Aberdeen pulled a goal back, Edinburgh rose to a different level, adding six further strikes as they cruised to a comprehensive 17-5 victory. It was a bitter blow for the Aberdeen side who suffered another heavy defeat but the blend of fresh-
ers and experienced players saw Edinburgh through with ease. A less blustery day would probably have seen Edinburgh score twice as many, as a number of excellent efforts which drifted just wide, along with a good performance from the Aberdeen keeper (who was not at fault for the scoreline), kept the home side’s tally down. The goal scorers on the day were West Pointer Nadler and Captain Spann who were assisted with efforts from Williams and Carley. This crop of players could be just what the team need this year to push on and win that coveted BUCS na-
tional title, which they are clearly hungry for. There is a huge amount of confidence within the team and with the exception of St Andrews there is almost certainly not a team in Scotland who can compete with the Lacrosse men this year. They will then be looking to extend that to the whole of Britain. This week also saw the Women’s Lacrosse seconds travelled to Aberdeen to take on their first team and they left having secured another victory. Having comprehensively outplayed Stirling last week, they again impressed with a dominant 18-0 victory.
Japes Pope
THE HEAT OF BATTLE: Temperatures are raised as the lacrosse men face off
Edinburgh edge through on penalties Men’s Football SFA South Regional Cup University of Edinburgh St. Cuthbert Wanderers
2 2
Edinburgh win 4-2 on penalties
Matthew Riley Edinburgh University fought their way into the fourth round after finally beating a resilient St Cuthbert Wanders in a penalty shoot-out following a 2-2 draw after extra time. In normal time Edinburgh looked to find holes in St. Cuthbert’s back line. However, this tactic was largely ineffective as aerially, St. Cuthbert was far superior and it soon became clear that an aerial assault would produce nothing. At the other end, however, an unexpected turn of class from St Cuthbert’s large number 9 took him
away from his marker, giving him the time to compose himself and chip the onrushing Mark Tait. A few half-hearted pleas came from the defence for off-side but these were ignored by the referee. Within a minute, St Cuthbert’s celebrations were silenced as Edinburgh equalised. Showing an urgency and attacking focus which had been lacking from the opening 15 minutes, Ruaradidh Scott drove into the St Cuthbert box, drawing a reckless tackle from an opposition defender. Up stepped Stephen Maxwell who drilled his penalty just beyond the sprawling goal keeper. As the first half drew to a close, Edinburgh never looked like scoring. The build-up play was intricate, accurate and teasing, but the final incisive ball was lacking. At half time, Edinburgh trudged off with the sky darkening and the rain beginning to fall.
The teams were greeted back on to the pitch with hammering rain. St Cuthbert took control of the opening exchanges, pinning Edinburgh into their half for long periods. Long balls were played in and around the penalty areas looking for mistakes. St Cuthbert looked to utilise their physical edge over Edinburgh, with the two strikers ploughing into the defence at every opportunity. Just as Edinburgh began to wonder if it would be their day, they took the lead through Jamie Redman in the 72nd minute who controlled Woods’ cross-field ball and lifted it over the goal keeper. From then on, Edinburgh sat back in a bid to protect their slender lead. Up until the 87th minute, they achieved just that. However, a surging run from a St Cuthbert midfielder drew a desperate tackle from an Edinburgh defender. The
set peice was curled into the top corner of Tait’s net, bringing the score level. Within two minutes of extra time kicking off, Hazeldine had struck, wriggling free in the area and placing his shot beyond the keeper. The sound of relief and delight came from bench, stand and team. However, it was ruled offside, to the frustration of manager and talisman. From then on, the tie descended into a scrap, with neither team prepared to commit too many players forward in search of the illusive winner. Thus the game was to be settled on penalties. Mark Tait made it easy for his team mates, expertly saving both of St Cuthbert’s first two. Hazeldine, Maxwell, Fusco and Woods stepped and put their efforts away with ease to send Edinburgh into the next round.