Week 6 - S2 - The Student - 20082009

Tuesday February 17 2009 | Week 6

studentnewspaper.org

Vive la grève: France at a standstill

PULL-OUT

S I N C E 1887

F E AT U R E S

P13

Your guide to the motions at this month's EUSA General Meeting NEWS

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T H E U K ' S O LD E S T S T U D EN T N EW S PA P ER

Overwhelming victory for Macwhirter Journalist storms home with 4,822 votes to Foulkes' 2,182

Neil Pooran SCOTTISH JOURNALIST Iain Macwhirter has been elected as the University of Edinburgh’s 50th Rector.

After a hard-fought campaign against Labour MSP George Foulkes, Macwhirter secured a comfortable victory with 4,822 of 7,004 votes cast, an overwhelming victory with 69 per cent of the vote.

After an installation ceremony next month, Macwhirter will take over as the chair of the University’s court, the institution’s chief governing body. He will succeed Green former MSP Mark Ballard in the role, which involves representing student and staff interests to the University’s authorities and elsewhere.

The results were announced in Old College after polls closed on Thursday.

Macwhirter said: “I am delighted that the students and staff of Edinburgh University have chosen me to be their Rector.

"I am extremely excited to have this opportunity to take an active involvement in the University and look to ensure the interests of both staff and students are maintained. I would also like to take this opportunity to thank George Foulkes for running an excellent campaign and wish him all the best in his future endeavours.”

5,778 students and 1,226 staff voted in the election, with 28 postal votes also counted. Speaking after the result was announced, Foulkes said: “I’d like to send my very sincere congratulations to Iain on winning this election, I’m absolutely sure that he’ll make a splendid rector… After George Galloway pulled out he said that Edinburgh would end up with a second-rate Rector, that is certainly not the case.”

Speaking to the Student, Macwhirter said taking action on student support would be his first objective as Rector: “I think the mandate is very clear and student support is the top priority. A lot of students are getting very heavily

into debt and I’m going to be discussing with the other Rectors of the Scottish universities how we can move to a £7,000 minimum income guarantee for students and we’ll be pressing the government to honor its responsibilities to students as well as universities.”

He continued: “The main challenge is going to be graduate unemployment.

In July 600,000 school leavers will enter the job market and we know that only half of them are going to get work.

Graduate employment is down 30 per cent, so students are going to be leaving university with big debts and they’re not going to be walking into jobs.

“Also, in that regard, there’s a real danger that graduate recruitment concentrates narrowly on elite universities south of the border and we have to ensure that Edinburgh doesn’t fall off the graduate employment map.”

Macwhirter also lent his support to the students occupying George Square Lecture Theatre, promising to push for a review of the University’s involvement with arms manufacturers BAE Systems and QinetiQ, with one of the protestors main demands being divestment from these firms.

“Our top priority is to examine the University’s links with the arms industry and to ensure that not only does the University pursue an ethical investment policy but that it’s not engaged in research that could be used for repressive purposes in the Middle East,” Macwhirter said.

Mark Ballard beat journalist Magnus Linklater and Tory MP Boris Johnston to the post in a high-profile contest in 2006. Notable past rectors include Prime Ministers Winston Churchill, David Lloyd George, Stanley Baldwin and Gordon Brown, then a student at the University.

The election marks 150 years since William Gladstone first took up the post as Rector at the University.

Read more: current Rector Ballard warns Macwhirter - page 7 >>

KING OF THE CASTLE: Macwhirter will be the new Rector after winning the election with 69% of the vote

Four in five overseas students 'feel exploited' James Ellingworth A SURVEY of overseas students for the Student has revealed that 83 per cent of overseas students at the University of Edinburgh feel ‘exploited’ by the University as a source of revenue.

This figure is likely to cause concern within the University, as is the fact that 9 per cent of respondents to

the survey knew someone who had been admitted to the University using false academic qualifications.

Overseas students, defined as those from countries outside the EU, pay much higher fees than British students – from £10,500 per year for most undergraduate courses to £28,950 annually for some medical programmes.

Scottish undergraduate students

and those from EU countries other than Britain pay no tuition fees.

Julia Gomez, a third-year Philosophy student from Brazil, told the Student: “I pay £9,500 a year to have only 4 hours of class a week. This situation is unacceptable.”

Continued on page 4 »

JULIA SANCHES

New Rector backs George Square lecture theatre protestors

Tuesday February 3 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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2

NEWS »p1–6

»

EUSA AGM MOTIONS p5

The lowdown on what issues will be tables at the upcoming EUSA meeting

PRESIDENTIAL RACE BEGINS p5

The Student reveals the candidates for the Presidency of EUSA

LIB DEMS COURT STUDENT VOTE p6

Liberal Democrat Leader Nick Clegg promises to allocate thousands of pounds to help students

COMMENT »p9–11

OCCUPATION CONFRONTATION p7-8

Katherine MacMahon and Joe Coward air opposing views on the recent student occupation of George Square Lecture Theatre.

ARTS & FEATURES »p13–24 STUDENT PROTESTS p13-14

Charlie King reports on the student demonstrations in France, while Lee Bunce talks to the students who occupied the George Square Lecture Theatre

Couchsurfing p15

SPORT »p26–28 DUGOUT TROUBLE p26

Martin Domin and Alistair Shand compare notes on the pitfalls of football management

ORIENTEERS TRIUMPHANT p26

The Student catches up with the Orienteering Society, which won Best Society at the recent Sports Union awards Plus: Michael Klimes wonders what Milan see in Beckham.

TONTINE» pullout

The Student's somewhat occasional creative arts supplement

The Student Newspaper | 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ Email: editors@studentnewspaper.org.

Pay talks deadlock raises spectre of stike action James Ellingworth DIFFICULTIES IN pay negotiations between universities and lecturers’ unions have raised the spectre of the 2006 lecturers’ strike, which delayed graduation for thousands of students.

The Student understands that talks have stalled between the University and College Union (UCU), which represents lecturers and other academic staff, and UCEA, an umbrella body of universities and colleges.

The chief sticking point, according to sources, is the negotiation system used, called New JNCHES, under which the UCEA negotiates with all the unions representing university employees. UCU is the only union not to take part, and is keen to negotiate a separate, higher, pay deal for its members.

UCU also objects to the fact that universities will be allowed to opt out from pay agreements, arguing that this ‘undermines the credibility of the socalled New JNCHES.’ Sources close to the union have told the Student that UCU has decided to wait before balloting members on possible strike action.

“There were two deadlines by which certain progress had to be made, but they both passed. Although the amount of progress wasn’t as much as UCU headquarters was looking for, it was deemed enough to warrant further consideration before going to ballot,” one union official said.

UCU had previously put a case for an 8 per cent pay rise this year, but it appears this has now been abandoned in favour of a focus on changing the negotiating system and abolishing

ON THE MARCH: Universities are keen to avoid a repeat of the 2006 lecturers' strike university opt-outs, after UCEA responded that 8 per cent was ‘unrealistic and unaffordable.’

A source close to the negotiations told the Student: “I think the plan is to ask for an 8 per cent rise initially, and then, using the universities’ fear of strike action, get something lower, perhaps 5 per cent.”

The UCEA is understood to be keen to avoid any repetition of the 2006 strike by the AUT and Nefthe unions, which later merged to form UCU. The strike paralysed universities across the country, as lecturers’ refusal to mark exam papers meant thousands of students were unable to graduate on time, damaging their employment

prospects.

UCU has so far refused to rule out the possibility of a strike, saying: “UCU continues to believe a negotiated settlement through the ACAS-facilitated talks to be the best prospect for stability in the sector...We remain hopeful that an agreement can be reached which will render any ballot or resulting industrial action unnecessary.”

Wes Streeting, president of the National of Students, has urged caution, saying: “In the present difficult economic circumstances, the last thing that students need is an industrial dispute. Stability in the sector is vital and all sides need to maintain a dialogue.”

Scots graduate recruiters defy the downturn Anna MacSwan

GRADUATE RECRUITMENT trends in Scotland are defying the downturn, as new data shows that the number of graduate jobs on offer in Scotland rose by 13 per cent.

A survey of 245 companies by the Association of Graduate Recruiters (AGR) has shown the number of jobs offered to have increased by 14 per cent in one year.

In 2008, members of the AGR, which includes major employers such as the Bank of England, Morgan Stanley and the Royal Bank of Scotland, offered 1,031 graduate vancaies, up from 911 in 2007.

As a result, the proportion of Scottish graduate jobs relative to the overall UK figure has risen from 4.4 per cent to 5.2 per cent.

Recruitment levels across the UK pale in comparison, with an increase of just 0.6%, despite a predicted rise of 11.7 per cent.

Vacancies are expected to fall in 2009 by around 5.4 per cent, predominantly in the form of jobs in accountancy, banking and the financial sector, which currently dominate the graduate vacancy market but have

been hard hit by the recession.

The relatively stable public sector and the armed forces are expected to take a more central role in graduate employment as the number of jobs on offer falls, and recent data has already shown a sharp rise in the number of applications for jobs in the civil service.

“

The economic crisis is concentrating employers' minds on the search for the best and most wellinformed talent.”

Carl Gilleard, chief executive,

Nevertheless, London and the South East remain the epicenters of UK graduate recruitment, with 45.4% per cent and 10.5 per cent of reported vacancies, respectively.

Scotland also lags behind in starting salary levels, as the median swage north of the border dropped from £23,000 to £22,00. Nationwide, the

median starting salary has stagnated at £25,000.

Companies cutting the number of graduate vacancies in 2009 are overwhelmingly blaming the credit crunch, with two thirds of these attributing cutbacks to the inclement economic climate.

Offering advice to graduates braving the increasingly competitive job market, AGR members recommended rigorous research of potential employers and sectors prior to interview, early application and willingness to relocate. To those considering postponing their job search, members emphasised the importance of accepting temporary paid employment in order to increase employability.

Carl Gilleard, chief executive of the AGR, said: “What is certain is that the economic crisis is concentrating employers’ minds on the war for the best and most well-informed talent.

"The message coming through loud and clear for this year’s graduates is research, research and more research - know your potential employer and know your sector.

"For those who do not secure that dream job first time round, the key is to take some form of paid employment if you can.”

SHAUN WALLIS

What’s in this issue

Tuesday February17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 3

Student News team PRO-PALESTINIAN demonstrators have ended their occupation of George Square Lecture theatre, and are claiming victories after the University acceded to several of their demands.

Over thirty Edinburgh students gathered last Wednesday afternoon to protest the University’s commercial links with Israel and its ‘complicit silence’ in response to the ongoing Gaza conflict. The protestors’ actions have sharply divided opinion on campus.

The sit-in meant that several lectures scheduled to take place in the building were relocated to alternative venues.

The actions follow a wave of peaceful sit-ins at other universities across the UK. A statement from the protestors on Sunday read: “We feel that this is only the beginning of the movement to end the university’s role in the occupation and oppression of Palestine by the Israeli government and military. There remain serious issues to which the

university’s response was completely inadequate, including the active role of arms and defence companies in university research and on-campus recruitment.”

They claimed to have secured five scholarships for Palestinian students and an end to having bottled water from Israeli -owned firm Eden Springs on campus. They also agreed to have the University fundraise for humanitarian aid to Gaza, and for the University to host a lecture and debate series surrounding the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

University security were at the scene throughout the protest and limited access in and out of the building to matriculated students. Head of security Andy Algeo did not regard the sit-in as an inconvenience, saying “It is not a problem for us and it is good to show support for the Palestinian movement.”

Demonstrators welcomed others to join their campaign and hosted a series of talks, film showings and gigs. They

maintained a blog of their endeavours as a way of communicating with supporters outside.

The protestors stressed they did not want to disrupt any lectures, and indeed two lectures went ahead with the protestors sitting quietly in the hall.

One protestor told the Student: “We are appealing directly to the Principle, who received a letter accompanied by a petition specifying our demands. The petition was signed by 407 students, which is way over quorum for any EUSA petition.”

“We’re just looking to raise awareness and hopefully reach students with sympathies with our cause.”

In the documentation to the Principal, the students called for an immediate boycott against companies involved in the conflict, Eden Springs.

There were also demands to cut all on-campus recruitment links with defence manufactures such as BAE Systems and QinetiQ, as their products are used by the Israeli military. The university proved less susceptible to these

NEIL HODGINS

CLOCKWISE FROM LEFT: A candle-lit march goes past the lecture theatre/ The protestors gather for a meeting to discuss strategy/ University staff attempt to disconnect the theatre’s control desk and projector and to seal it away but are stopped by protestsors (a compromise was later found where the protestors wouldn't use the equipment)/ Protestors negotiate with university representatives on Friday morning.

NEIL HODGINS

NEIL HODGINS

NEIL HODGINS

Protestors leave lecture theatre after five days of occupation

requests, though newly elected Rector Iain Macwhirter has said he will push for a review on the matter.

In response to the demands University Secretary Melvyn Cornish spoke to the Student on Friday evening, saying: “I and colleagues have been meeting with different groups of students. Trying to take negotiations forward when the people on the other side of the table change every meeting isn’t the easiest way of doing things. I’ve just come back from a meeting where we have presented them with quite a long statement in response to the six so-called demands that they’ve posed towards the University and I’ve explained to them that that statement does takes things just about as far as the University can go.

“We feel we’ve been as constructive as we can be, and it really is now for them to decide whether they’ve met their objectives. My personal view is that, given the constructive way the University’s engaged in this, they could leave this evening with honour. Whether they choose to do so is up to them.”

Cornish had previously ruled out removing the students forcibly, saying he would prefer to reach an end to the occupation through discussions.

A facebook group called ‘Go plant some trees and get out of my lecture theatre!’ attracted hundreds of members in the University of Edinburgh network. Its administrator Elliot Gold said the demonstration was ‘blackmailing’ the University and could encourage further actions, as well as alienating Israeli students.

He told the Student: “The University should not be a political forum and if students want to protest this is not the right way to do it. Taking over the lecture theatre is a complete nuisance and not fair for students who don’t have an opinion and just want to get on with their studies...

“A University will inevitably be an arena for political discussion but should not itself have an institutional view.

That is what these people are asking... for the university to take a political position as an institution.”

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News

4

Overseas students voice grievances

IN

Brief

University defends staff vetting policy THE UNIVERSITY has defended its policy of carrying out background checks on all staff as necessary despite some students being inconvenienced as a result.

The vetting scheme has resulted in a small number of students who started university before reaching the age of 18 being required to move tutorial groups mid semester.

Since many tutors are postgraduate students, and therefore often absent from Edinburgh until near the start of a semester, or may not have previously lived in the UK for an extended period of time, delays can arise with checks.

Peter Davies, Head of Division of European Languages and Cultures said “The University must conform to regulations which are in place to protect both staff, students and vulnerable adults. It was impossible to predict who would be delayed, or indeed when these checks would be cleared, at the time of drawing up the timetable."

AMcS

£40m airport redevelopment plan unveiled A VAST makeover, costing in the region of £40 million, has been unveiled for Edinburgh Airport.

The plan will see the building of a new terminal and a thorough refurbishment of the airport's facilities over the next two years.

The plan is being presented as the first phase in comprehensive work set to have a final price tag of £100m.

The proposal is to be funded entriely by the airport's owner, BAA, depsite the fact that the compnay has been ordered to sell Edinburgh airport by the Competition Commission, who have ruled that the airport operator is running a monopoly.

Councillor Jenny Dawe, leader of City of Edinburgh Council, said: " “Scotland is a growing nation and needs investment in infrastructure to ensure that we continue to thrive and remain competitive.”

GR

FLYING THE FLAG: A survey of overseas students at the University has found that many feel exploited by the current fees system

Overseas students survey in numbers...

83%

feel exploited by the University

K. M. EVANS

Lecturer rewarded for work on arthritis A UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh researcher has received a £2,000 prize for his pioneering work in developing treatments for chronic bone diseases.

Professor Stuart Ralston, the the Arthritis Research Campaign Chair of Rheumatology at the University, was presented with the 2008 Margaret McLellan Award by medical charity Tenovus Scotland last week. recognising his work in developing treatemenst for over two decades.

McLellan said, "I am delighted that Tenovus has chosen to highlight the importance of bone disease research, because these conditions have a devastating impact on those affected. I am honoured by this award, but credit is also due to the many talented scientists working across Scotland to combat these conditions."

JE

Kuo-Fang Chiu, a postgraduate student from Taiwan, told the Student: “Although I receive the same quality of teaching and resources from the university, it does not justify the amount I have to pay. I would at least expect a bit more guidance from my department, seeing as English is not my first language.”

The results will also raise concern about some overseas students presenting false qualifications. Newcastle University expelled 50 students in November after they were found to have falsified documents including exam results and English language certificates.

Anna Dudina, a third-year student from Russia, said: “I believe foreign students can fake their previous qualifications, because, unfortunately, you can easily buy a diploma from a Russian school or university.

I know of many cases when students won’t turn up to classes, fail exams, but still get a straight-A diploma.”

There also seemed to be widespread confusion among the respondents on the matter of whether the University preferentially admitted overseas for financial reasons, which 73 percent of those surveyed believed to be the case.

Irina Sapsay, a second-year student from the USA, told the Student: “I think that the University admits a

certain proportion of international students in order to ensure a profit.”

In fact, the number of overseas students the University can admit is set annually by the Scottish Government. A spokesman for the University said: “Students from outside the EU are not competing for places with students from within the EU they are in two separate admissions pools.”

37.5 per cent of respondents described themselves as ‘quite worried’ or ‘very worried’ about the recent introduction of ID cards for overseas students. Concern about this was particularly widespread among students from the USA, while those from China or Russia, where ID cards are compulsory, were more likely to be relaxed about the issue.

The survey also highlighted problems surrounding overseas students' integration at the University, with 32 percent of respondents claiming they had been treated differently by staff because of their status as overseas students.

The survey, which sampled 80 overseas students from various countries, was conducted using an anonymous online system commonly used in gathering data for University research projects.

The University refused to comment on the results without a full report of the methodology used, which proved impossible due to time constraints.

38%

85%

Continued from front page

are worried about ID cards

feel the fees structure is unfair

Local woman held by Israeli security forces after Gaza aid boat arrest Jordan Campbell A POSTAL worker from Edinburgh is set to be deported from Israel after being arrested earlier this month.

Activist Theresea McDermott, from Pilrig near Leith, was detained after the Israeli navy boarded the ‘Tali’ on 4 February, a ship which was carrying 60 tons of humanitarian supplies to the Gaza strip.

News of her relief came from Huwaida Arraf of the Free Gaza Movement, which Ms McDermott was working for. He told the Student, “It’s outrageous that the Israelis have been detaining her for this long. They have the ability to arrange immediate deportation for her and yet she has been held for a week and a half now.”

Al-Jazeera journalist Salam Khodor, who was on board, stated that the Israelis fired shots before arresting McDermott and 8 other passengers.

He also claimed that the passengers were beaten by the soldiers.

With the exception of McDermott, all the other passengers were released the following day after the ship

arrived at the Israeli port of Ashdod.

Nothing was known of Ms McDermott until she phoned her family on the following Sunday to explain that she was being held in Israel’s Ramleh prison.

In a statement issued by Ms McDermott’s sister on 12 February, Ann Winnie said, “She managed to phone my brother. It was a very short call just to say she was all right and she was in this prison.”

Her capture has led to widespread condemnation from political figures in the UK. Labour MSP Pauline McNeil, who had met Ms McDermott on previous trips to Gaza, said “She is a very committed activist and a sweet, mild-mannered woman. It seems extraordinary there would be any grounds to detain her.” Whilst Ms McDermott’s local MP, Mark Lazarowicz gave his backing to Ms McDermott, stating, “What they are doing in trying to get supplies into Gaza is something I support. It is outrageous she has been seized and held apparently incommunicado for four days.”

The Free Gaza Movement was

NOT SO PLAIN SAILING: Local woman Theresa Mcdermott was arrested on a boat sending aid to Gaza like this one formed in 2008 with the aim of ‘breaking the siege of Gaza’ through the use of ‘civil resistance and nonviolent action.’ They have volunteer representation from countries all over the world.

Ms McDermott has a history of activism, with this trip being her second expedition with the Movement after having taking part in a similar effort

last August. She also volunteered in the area with the International Solidarity Movement in Palestine.

According to a Parliamentary statement in 2006 by the then minister for the Middle East Kim Howells, Israel had previously blacklisted McDermott for her alleged involvement with the International Solidarity Movement.

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News 5

Motions submitted for a lively GM Anne Miller and Neil Pooran The EUSA General Meeting (GM) will take place on Wednesday 17th February, with a variety of motions up for discussion.

Some of the motions aim to bridge the divide between Edinburgh University’s world class reputation and the realities on campus.

Other motions which will be put to the vote include a calls for a society minibus, fairer fees for medical students, the introduction of dates of birth on matriculation cards as well as cheaper entrance fees to the Centre for Sport and Exercise. The latter highlights the fact that a full year membership costs between £55 and £95 but a 40 minute squash game costs between £1.50 and £2.50.

A push to set up a team of 'Liberation Officers' in the Student's Association failed after it fell at the Students Representative Council earlier in this year.

SOME OF THE MOTIONS DUE TO BE DEBATED (SEE EUSA WEBSITE FOR A COMPLETE LIST) VAT ON TEACHING BUILDINGS

FLICKR: QWQHLM

FLICKR: MANIACYAK

ACADEMIC FEEDBACK

Mikhil Raja’s motion calls for a 24 hour library. He told The Student “I feel it is vital for the University to respect the choice of student preferences of working hours. Every student has a unique timetable and inclination to work at different hours; a globally competitive university should respect this and cater for it.” The 24 hour library has had a recurrent presence in the manifestos of those running for EUSA sabbatical posts and more recently it was one of new Rector Iain Macwhirter’s campaign pledges. Raja believes a successful motion would illustrate the level of student support for extending the library’s hours and that the motion itself will inform all students about the issues and promote world class facilities at the University of Edinburgh..

The hot topic of feedback is being raised

by Liz Rawlings who has brought a motion which aims to get to the heart of the problem by setting up a council of tutors which would work with the Student Representative Council to find solutions.

She said: “Every student in the University wants and deserves better feedback but complaining about tutors is not going to solve the problem. Edinburgh University is woefully underfunded, receiving not nearly as much from the Government as lecturers and researchers need to provide world-class teaching. Therefore students and tutors must work together to combat the problem.”

FLICKR: MANIACYAK

24 HOUR LIBRARY

The divide between teaching and research is highlighted by Guy Bromley’s motion to remove VAT on teaching buildings. Currently research buildings are VAT free but they must be used exclusively for research. This is why no teaching takes place in the new Informatics building.

Bromley stressed that if the University is to benefit from being a cutting edge research institution then there needs to be more interaction between researchers, lecturers and students.

He also believes this could help lecturers to become more in touch with their students thus improving university life.”

ONLINE VOTING

SOCIETY MINIBUS

Anybody who is interested in the motions but fed up with being urged to come to meetings might be interested in the constitutional amendment proposed by EUSA President Adam Ramsay. Currently the GM needs 300 students in attendance to be quorate and make decisions binding. Ramsay’s motion will introduce online referendums which he says “will mean more people have the chance to vote on EUSA policy than ever before. They will open up the decision making process and help more people get involved.”

Ramsay stressed the importance of this GM saying “I’d encourage people to come to the General Meeting on Wednesday to vote for this as we still need 300 people to vote in order for it to pass!”

Does your society need a minibus? If you need more room than a taxi but think that a full-size bus would just be overkill then Thomas Graham will sort you out. He’s planning to get EUSA to look into purchasing a sparkling new minibus for societies to use at rock bottom rates. Glasgow’s Student Representative Council has a minibus for their societies, and the sports centre is teeming with the things. Sports clubs seem to make frequent use of them, so there could well be an untapped market for societies, and indeed groups as diverse as the Model UN and Modern Dance societies have already indicated that they’d be up for a EUSA minibus.

If this motion does go ahead, be sure to book the minibus as soon as you can to take advantage of that new-minibus smell.

Joshua King

Thomas 'External Affairs' Graham

Liz 'Better by Degrees' Rawlings

CAMPAIGNING HAS begun for the 2009 EUSA Presidential election and four students have already announced their candidacies.

Liz Rawlings, Thomas Graham, Oliver Mundell and James Rodger have each spoken to the Student about why they entered the race to replace incumbent Adam Ramsey.

Liz Rawlings, who used to edit this newspaper, said – “I have spent four years campaigning on student issues through journalism, mainly because I have been frustrated with the lack of action and agency of former EUSA presidents.

“I want to open up EUSA and make it more representative of the student population at large rather than just a small minority.”

Thomas Graham, current EUSA External Convener, stressed that the current economic climate will dictate much of the work done by the association over the coming months: “Scottish universities have a particular set of funding problems.

“At the moment it’s an issue, in five years it’ll be a crisis.”

He went on to say: “It was not right to introduce top-up fees, but keeping education free means that the Scottish Government needs to match that commitment with proper public funding for universities to ensure that they don’t lag behind their English counterparts.”

Liz Rawlings echoed this sentiment, saying: “Edinburgh students should be proud of their University.”

Divinity student Oliver Mundell will be campaigning from a wheelchair after accidentaly impaling his foot on a George Square fence, through he was eager to stress that he would not allow his injury to ‘hijack’ his campaign.

“I am standing in this election because of three simple words: funding, feedback and freedom,” he told the Student, “The job of EUSA President is simple too – it’s about giving students a strong voice both within the university and beyond.”

He went on to congratulate Iain Macwhirter on his successful Rectorial campaign, and endorsed his plans to reform the central library – “When it comes to 24 hour libraries, I think they are now a requirement for top world universities.”

His father is a leading Conservative politician who has served as shadow secretary of state for Scotland since 2005 and is the only Conservative MP elected by a Scottish constituency.

Like Rawlings Debates Union convener James Rodger concurred on the matter of a 24 hour library, but made it clear that partisan politics and wider political loyalties should not mar the campaign.

“The welfare of the student body should be the ends in question, and policies should not be in place to win brownie points with political parties,” he said, “This is why I will be calling for

a pledge from all the other candidates to join me in disavowing their affiliations to political parties both during the weeks leading up to the election, and if elected, during their sabbatical year as well.”

He went on to say, “The most important think I can do though is open myself to the ideas, desires and requirements of the student body.”

To that end James Rodger will be running two surgeries a week to ‘hear peoples concerns’.

Adam Ramsey, the current EUSA President who had an eventful campaign of his own last spring, spoke to the Student about his time in office.

“I probably haven’t done absolutely everything I hoped to, but I have been given the chance to make some real changes,” he said, “Perhaps the most frustrating part of the job is how much time is spent on internal administration of the organisation – although it is also the part that has taught me the most.”

“My advice for the election campaign is the same as my advice for the job: Stick to your priorities, work had, stay calm, remember that everyone else makes mistakes to and have fun.”

Tess Quinton, who had planned to run, withdrew her nomination citing degree commitments.

EUSA will continue to accept nominations for the Presidency, along with nominations for the other 125 positions available, until 12 noon on Thursday 19 February.

Oliver ' I'm Still Standing' Mundell, after his injury

James 'Students, not politics' Rodger

TORY BEAR

Crowded field as EUSA Presidential race gets underway

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News

Promises of thousands in additional tuition funding as Lib Dems court the student vote

A CLEGG UP: Lib Dem leader Clegg speaks to students in Sheffield

LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

Sarah Morrison SCOTTISH LIBERAL Democrats are promising additional support for students across Britain, after their UK party leader pledged to scrap university tuition fees for all full and parttime students.

Last week Nick Clegg announced that under the Liberal Democrats, the state would fund all students through their first degree, saving them more than £9,000 over the course of their lives.

The £6.6bn pounds needed to fund students degrees would come from the abolition of the Child Trust Fund, tax credit cuts, and from cutting 90 percent of the government’s motorway building plans, advertising and IT projects.

“We can take the tough choices on Gordon Brown’s wasteful public spending to redirect it to the kind of things people really need at a time of recession, Clegg said. “We know that young people will be hit hardest by the recession.”

While Scottish and EU students at the University of Edinburgh already have their tuition fees paid by the Scottish government, this proposal

aims to help the thousands of English and Welsh students at the University who were required to pay between £1,255 and £2,825 for their fees last

“

I don't think any government could afford to do both these things and hope the international students would not end up paying increased fees to cover it.”

Shay Bishnoi, 4th year Maths

academic year.

“EU legislation means that scrapping fees for students from the other home nations studying in Scotland is outwith the abilities of the Scottish Parliament, and only a change at Westminster can rectify this inequity,” NUS Scotland President Gurjit Singh said.

He added, “While studying in Scotland is cheaper for these students,

because of the lower fee rate, they accrue increased living expenses by taking on a four-year degree and being out of the jobs market for longer.”

Mike Pringle, Liberal Democrat MSP for Edinburgh South, said he was proud of the role his party played in ensuring Scottish students did not have to pay tuition fees to attend Scottish universities, but agreed that more could still be done.

“We will be publishing a very exciting package of proposals about support for students across the UK in the next few weeks,” Pringle told The Student. “Liberal Democrats north and south of the border remain firmly committed to improving support not only for students, but for our higher education institutions.”

Some students were more skeptical of the Lib Dem’s promises. “The Liberal Democrats are also calling for the most tax cuts as well as the abolition of tuition fees,” said Shay Bishnoi, a fourth year Maths student. “I don’t think any government party could afford to do both these things and hope the international students would not end up paying increased fees to cover it.”

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Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 7

James Ellingworth MARK BALLARD, the former Green MSP and current Rector of the University, has offered his support to the man who will replace him in the role, journalist Iain Macwhirter.

Speaking to the Student, Ballard warned Macwhirter against using the position to advance a personal agenda, saying: “The key thing is to remember that his mandate and his position allows him to let other people speak, whether they’re staff, unions or the students’ association, rather than necessarily being somebody who campaigns in his own right.”

Ballard emphasised the importance of the Rector’s role in lobbying the Scottish Government on university issues, and said that fighting for more funding should be Macwhirter’s top priority.

“I think the greatest long-term challenge is persuading the Scottish Government that if you want a worldclass higher education system, you’re going to have to pay for it.

If we’re not going to go down the English and Welsh route of getting students to pay more and more for their education, we’re going to have to try and really ask for more funding.

Things like making sure university

lecturers are well-paid, which I’m sure is going to be an immediate challenge for him,” Ballard said.

The current Rector has a track record of opposition to tuition fees, and activism on green issues, which has led to him being arrested on several occasions during direct action.

On his time as Rector, Ballard said: “I think that my greatest achievement was working on the Rector’s Charter, which I helped to draw up with Simon Pecker, the rector of St. Andrews University. This, for the first time ever, sets out what rectors should be doing in the role. I think it’s taken the institution forward and shown how it can be relevant in the 21st century.

“In terms of the University, I was particularly pleased we’d achieved such a huge increase in the number of student bursaries during my period of rectorship, which was because of a coalition on the University Court that believed that there ought to be better support for poorer students at university.

“My greatest disappointment is that despite agitating and supporting students, we didn’t get the University to build more low-cost accommodation.”

Macwhirter will be formally installed as Rector in a ceremony next month.

THE INCREASING popularity of rabbits as pets has led to the world’s first rabbit medicine lecturer being established at the University.

Brigitte Reusch has taken up the role as lecturer in Rabbit Medicine and Surgery at the Royal (Dick) School of Veterinary Studies.

Reusch, who has several years’ experience in treating rabbits will also run a dedicated rabbit clinic at the School’s Hospital for Small Animals as part of its Exotic Animal and Wildlife Service.

In recent years, vets at the Hospital for Small Animals have been treating an increasing number of rabbits, which are proving popular with families and young professionals.

The Royal (Dick) School of Veterinary Studies was recently ranked top among the UK’s seven veterinary schools in the national Research and Assessment Exercise, with 20 per cent of its research classed as ‘world leading’.

Research down the pan as excrement binned WORDS OF ADVICE: Mark Ballard offers tips to his successor

graduate market, with the UK’s leading employers reducing their recruitment by 17% since 2008.

Investment banks were unsurprisingly the worst affected, whilst positions in the public sector and the Armed Forces were the only ones to increase recruitment levels for 2009.

TAKE A CHANCE ON ME: Durham University's graduates could be sticking around longer than planned

FLICKR/ WUMPUS

DURHAM UNIVERSITY has announced that it is going to award over one hundred £2,000 taught Masters scholarships to encourage graduates

stay on, so that they can avoid having to find jobs during the recession.

The incentive comes at a time when employers are pulling out of careers events nationwide due to the lack of jobs on offer.

Research group High Flyers recently reported a grave picture of the 2009

New lecturer hired to rabbit on

LM

Credit crunch scholarships lure graduates to stay on Guy Rughani

IN

Avoid soapboxing, Rector Ballard warns Macwhirter

Brief

Durham’s plan is to make the North East of England a ‘diverse centre of excellence’, putting students in the best position to get onto the career ladder.

Professor Anthony Forster, Durham’s Vice Chancellor said: “We’ve launched this scholarship because we recognise that, even for the most able graduates, it’s a tough economic environment in which to seek employment.”

Although not expected to pay for further qualifications in full, the £2,000 sum is designed to be a “significant contribution” towards living costs.

“We have some of the most employable graduates in the country” Forster said, “and this scholarship will give them a real chance to up-skill.”

Like Durham, the University of Edinburgh offers a variety of scholarships, but there are no plans as yet to offer any additional incentive to students graduating during the recession.

Edinburgh does however offer a 10% discount on postgraduate tuition for all students with an undergraduate degree from the University, and to those who studied at Edinburgh as visiting undergraduates.

A university spokesman told the Student, “Unlike Durham’s scholarship scheme which is limited to 102 successful applicants, our 10% discount is available to all undergraduates who wish to continue their studies at the University of Edinburgh.”

A PHD student at the University of Leeds is threatening legal action after his department incinerated the 35kg of lizard excrement around which his research was based.

Daniel Bennett’s PhD involved analysing the excrement of the rare butaan lizard – a creature Mr Bennett had specially tracked and studied in the Philippines.

Calling the loss an “unfortunate mistake,” the university offered Bennett £500 compensation.

Bennett managed to submit his thesis despite the loss, and says that as a result of the incident, he is now in “deep depression.”

JK

Pram ban may be given the push by Lothian Buses LOTHIAN BUSES may be pushed into removing their embargo on prams as lobbyists brand the company 'baby banners.'

The complaints come after it emerged that Lothian Buses are the only company in Scotland to ban prams from their vehicles.

SNP MSP Nigel Don said: “I’m mystified as to why Lothian Buses persists in an approach that is not supported by any other bus company.”

“It is discrimination towards carers with young children,” commented a Lothians SNP representative.

Lothian Buses said that it had banned prams in order to comply with the Disability Discrimination Act, to ensure that wheelchair users had enough space. Previous attempts by members of the facebook group "Mums need to use Lothian Buses too" to make the company drop the ban have been unsuccesful.

GR

Feeling opinionated? comment@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Comment 9

Comment Harriet Brisley

It'll get worse before it gets worse James Ellingworth argues that the current economic could has no silver lining at all alk of a golden age tends to be the T preserve of Middle England types fixated with swearing on the BBC or

the evils of the EU, and conjures up images of the prim 1950s and smiles all round at the vicarage tea party. In short, it’s something you’ve probably never considered.

But that might be the future for many students – looking back at the boom years, an age of prosperity, stability and cheap flights, when firms queued up on campus to hand out smoothies and chocolate to entice students into a glittering career in accountancy.

The promised land is rapidly turning to a dystopia, as the boom turns out to have depended on the sleight-of-hand of international finance, a trick that looks ever clumsier as the economy sinks into a mire of now-worthless credit default swaps and bankrupt hedge funds.

With politicians and business leaders such as Bill Gates now predicting that the world will take anything up to a decade to recover from the recession, students and graduates are now faced with the horrifying prospect of emerging into a world struggling to hold on to the affluence they lived with only a few years before.

Add to this the state of the environment, slowly strangled by overconsumption, its demise heralded by increasingly dire warnings from the global scientific community, and the picture is one of fundamental insecurity.

In comparison to the current

outlook, the period from 1990 to 2007 seems like a golden age.

The spread of cheap travel can be seen as symptomatic of the boom years’ greatest achievements and its greatest follies, ignoring the rot beneath the surface of the shiny, userfriendly brave new world. Growing up in the Ryanair generation allowed

“

Like Edwardian big-game hunting on the savannah, impulsive, mindbroadening travel will start to fade to sepai in the public consciousness, until it becomes the inaccessible product of a past age.” us to travel freely and easily to places our parents’ generation could never have dreamed of visiting. Combined with increased political freedom abroad, the ease of travel in turn made Western countries – and universities – more international and open than ever before.

Even now, the concept of a stag night in Prague (sealed off by the

Iron Curtain when most of today’s students were born), or spending a year on a volunteering programme of any benefit besides boosting the tanned participant’s ego, is starting to seem slightly more ridiculous in people’s minds. Soon, it may start to seem quaint, then increasingly so, until it becomes an oddity. Like Edwardian big-game hunting on the African savannah, impulsive, mindbroadening travel will start to fade to sepia in the public consciousness, until it becomes the inaccessible product of a past age.

Just as the demands of the environment force us to consider imposing previously unheard-of restrictions upon freedom of movement, with potentially devastating consequences for internationalism, openness and multiculturalism, so the recession’s effects are giving rise to widespread doubt in what, even a couple of years ago, were the most basic tenets of our society.

As the state has been forced to rescue failing enterprises, there have been strong calls to use these newly nationalised sectors of the economy as engines of social change.

The current uncertainty is magnified as interest groups mass to force their agendas on an economy newly subject to gusts of political populism – most disturbingly in the new wave of strikes for ‘British jobs for British workers’, now starting to be accompanied by shadowy murmurs about the ‘indigenous population’ by some in the major parties.

For new graduates, one of the

most worrying aspects of the changing world will be the impact on jobs.

With graduate vacancies soon to be at a premium, the danger is that your connections – who you know – will start to count for more than what you know. Our meritocracy, dependent on economic growth, will struggle to survive this creeping corruption. While the end of the irrational bonus structures that caused so much chaos is to be welcomed, the financial crisis may bring with it a

“

.It will be up to today's graduates to find a way to balance our desire to hold on to our achievements with need to prevent their harmful effects” general aversion to new ideas. When a graduate recruiter is discouraged from hiring bright young things with bold ideas in favour of a safe pair of hands, offering the opening to his golf partner’s son becomes more appealing.

On a global level, the picture is more mixed. The new US President may be a principled pragmatist with an uncommonly silver tongue, but the brand of hope that briefly united the States at his inauguration

is already starting to look tarnished as he realises he too must fight the same old partisan battles. China and Russia, previously competing to wrest power away from America, are now facing challenges to their authoritarianism and corruption as the growth dies away, leaving the rich astronomically richer and those at the bottom with little to show for their countries’ periods of economic success.

In short, the outlook is bleak, with few signs for hope at home or abroad, as the entire system today’s students grew up with and imagined they would inherit faces a raft of new difficulties and restrictions, many of which were unimaginable even five years ago. The world is entering a state of flux, where new ideas will emerge, and those no longer applicable to the modern world will be forced out as we come to terms with the rotten underside of the world in which we grew up.

Losing any of the benefits of the boom years would be a great shame: a world where people and cultures mix less often, where cronyism is the way to get a graduate job, and where new ideas are rejected in favour of continuity, is in nobody’s interests.

In large part, it will be up to today’s graduates to find a way to balance our desires to hold on to our achievements with the need to prevent their most harmful effects. We may have just seen the end of a golden age – but ruminating about its passing won’t help us get it back.

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

comment@studentnewspaper.org

10 Comment SCOTLAND's INSULAR POLITICS uch has been written in the M media lately on the drama surrounding the Scottish budget,

yet somehow the contents of the bill itself seemed to escape scrutiny.

The Scottish National Party, until recently riding high on a wave of strong opinion-poll showings, had their plans for a recession-busting Scottish budget thrown back in their faces when they first put it to the Scottish Parliament. The actions they took next left Scotland with a hugely disappointing missed opportunity.

The culprits behind the horrible affront to Crown Prince Alex Salmond’s dignity? The tiny Scottish Green Party’s two MSPs, Robin Harper and Patrick Harvie. They argued that the Scottish Government should put forward £100 million to provide home insulation to Scottish dwellings.

The SNP balked at this figure, and initially offered the Greens means-tested funding in the region of £30 million for the scheme. The Greens said means-testing would only lead to less insulation and more energy being wasted in draughty, inefficient homes.

After the Greens knocked the Budget Bill was knocked back on 28 January, the SNP desperately hunted for a solution. Back-room negotiations were held, deals were reached, and eventually Salmond got the Lib Dems and Labour on board. He was then able to pass the bill easily on 4 February, and, as a punishment for their insolence, the Greens wound up with a paltry £15 million of government money for home insulation.

Now while there are plenty of sensible proposals in the budget bill, the Greens’ idea to give thousands of homes free roof insulation was a particularly common-sense solution to a vexing set of problems. The cost of heating homes is going up, so giving them heat-retaining insulation makes sense from a bill-payers point of view. It’s also a very (small g) green idea; if people are using their electric and gas heating less, the national carbon footprint goes down. Lastly, it could provide hundreds of jobs in the industry at a time when employment rates are plummeting because of the economic slowdown.

Finance Secretary John Swinney suggested that the insulation be provided on a means-tested basis; in other words those who could pay for it themselves would do so out of their own pocket. This has its merits, but to have homes insulated on an opt-out basis is far more comprehensive. Considering the scale of the global environmental challenge (made all the more apparent by renowened climate scientist Professor Chris Field’s recent warning that climate change has been severely underestimated) we should not rule out radical changes in the way we use energy.

Yet the SNP’s spiteful change of policy has meant that Scotland will do without this measure for at least another year. Moves are being made in various local councils towards free home insulation, but thanks to some depressingly petty infighting, another environmental policy will lack the national coordination it needs.

Neil Pooran

Occupational Therapy

Katherine McMahon sees last week's sit-in in George Square Lecture as part of a wave of protest among students worldwide writing this inside George Ibeen’mSquare lecture theatre, which has occupied by students since

Wednesday. We’re demanding that the University boycotts companies involved in the Israeli occupation, divests from companies selling arms to Israel, provides scholarships for Palestinian students to study here since the destruction of universities in Gaza, to send non-monetary donations to Gazan schools, and to provide educational debates and lectures on the Israel/Palestine question. Talks are ongoing, but we’re hopeful and determined that our demands will be met.

Most people here have never done anything like this. Student apathy is discussed all the time, and students are often seen as lazy and insouciant, and only concerned with drinking and having sex. In reality, in many cases students often care about issues but feel utterly helpless. One of the demands of this occupation is the University stop buying Eden Springs, a company which sources water from territory occupied by Israel. This went through a EUSA AGM – my first, I think – and yet this morning an Eden Springs truck arrived to deliver water into our oc-

cupied building. We stopped it, and for the first time students’ voices were not only heard but had a direct effect. The feeling inside the building is that people are relieved to be able to make a real difference.

The student movement has been ineffective on a lot of things. The courage to ask for what we want, and, what’s more, fight for it, didn’t seem to exist. Students felt sidelined, ignored, patronised. The NUS doesn’t organise demonstrations any more, but is happy to chat to the government and make compromises on things that seriously affect student lives – this year, as university funding is reviewed, the NUS ask that the cap on top up fees stay, instead of having the courage and the confidence to oppose tuition fees outright, let alone demanding living grants.

But this year, 26 universities have been occupied in response to the crisis in Gaza: students recognised the need to act, and act decisively, and not allow their voices to get swallowed up by bureaucracy or ignored. And it’s not just international issues that are being addressed in this revival of an active student movement: a group of students frustrated with the NUS’s inaction over free education have

organised a demonstration on the 25th February to call for free education, living grants and education not profit, which students unions all over the country have declared support for and are sending buses of students to.

All over the country, this new/old approach has worked – demands have been met, and students have realised that they actually can have an effect.

Instead of feeling alienated from their universities, they suddenly have a say in how they are run – we feel less like customers, buying a degree, and more like part of a community. The sad thing is that our participation in the community has to be demanded by us: instead of the University involving us in a dialogue as a given, we have to do the equivalent of screaming in their ear to make ourselves heard.

The wave of occupations has been part of an even bigger revival of the student movement: general strikes in Greece and Italy have had huge amounts of student involvement, and, last week, students in France marched with their lecturers in defence of education funding and jobs. In Italy, students talk about “self-reform” – having a real input into changes in the way that

their university is run. Students and teachers working together is hugely important: ultimately, we have a lot of the same interests, and I was really happy that lecturers have been joining in the occupation. Equally, when they need our help, we should provide it, like the students in France.

That why, when our tutors tell us that they’re underpaid and overworked and that’s why they can’t give us proper feedback, we should listen and support them.

This occupation can’t be seen in isolation, either in space or time.

As well as the primary aims of the occupation, it has the side effect of inspiring people, and of making us realise that we can change things for the better. It’s really important that this is applied to all our issues, internal and international. The demonstration for free education is the next big action in the wave, and there’s a bus going down to London for £15 a seat (available from the EUSA office). And it’s exciting to see what will happen after that… It’s a good time to be a student activist.

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Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Comment

11

'Go Plant Some Trees!'

The "occupation" was counter-productive, says Joe Coward

L

ike many students this week, I have had my education disrupted by the decision of a minority of students to “occupy” George Square Lecture Theatre. This has caused inconvenience for students, but far more importantly by portraying abhorrence of the situation in Gaza as the sole preserve of “radicals” they have alienated vast swathes of the University population who are appalled at the humanitarian crisis.

The Arab-Israeli conflict is not straight-forward. There is no doubt that the plight of Palestinians in Gaza is grave. Recognising this and calling for action is not a political issue, but a basic acceptance that no human being should have to live in fear for their life. But the conflict cannot simply be reduced to a dichotomy of Palestine = good, Israel = bad.

Israel is surrounded by states which do not acknowledge the legitimacy of the Israeli state. Any progress in the region will have to be based on political pluralism and mutual co-operation and compromise. The student “occupiers” should publicly acknowledge this.

A highly complex conflict that has not been resolved despite immense efforts by states, faith groups and NGOs will not be ended by the actions of minority of students. In geo-politics the

University of Edinburgh is irrelevant.

Many of the “occupiers” seem to be revelling in the drama of revolutionary action, with their blog claiming that “Edinburgh is taking back the University at George Square Lecture Theatre!”

The self-righteousness of the occupiers is overwhelming. On a Facebook group

“

The University of Edinburgh is not a repressive institution.

Universities are beacons of tolerance and freeexpression” opposing the sit-in, provocatively entitled “Go plant some trees and get out of my lecture theatre!” one of the protestors has replied, stating that the occupation “has led to a flurry of free-thought, free-speech and creativity – outrageous concepts I know. If any of the cynics in this FB group could tear themselves away from club-hopping for one night they might like to come and find all this out for themselves.” I for one am not an obsessive club-hopper, but believe that

illegally occupying a building is fundamentally undemocratic.

On their blog, the “occupiers” claim to be supported by a host of institutions including Glasgow University, Cambridge University, and the London School of Economics. However, I have searched the respective institutions websites, and none have issued any press releases expressing their support.

What the “occupiers” mean is that they are supported by individuals at other universities, a somewhat less impressive achievement. I am a student at the University of Edinburgh and I support Hob Nobs, that does not mean that the University of Edinburgh supports Hob Nobs. The occupying students should be honest about their level of support.

The “occupation” at Edinburgh is one of many similar events taking place across the United Kingdom, co-ordinating their actions on occupations.org. uk. At the University of Nottingham, Impact Magazine reports that a similar protest took place, with students ejected from the building after five days with none of their demands met. The anticapitalist group Education Not For Sale is highlighting the role of its supporters in co-ordinating occupations in Edinburgh and Cambridge.

If the “occupying” students value

free-speech, the right to organise, and democracy, then they should have launched a broad campaign to achieve some of their more moderate aims. They would stand a far greater chance of success if they united with the various civil and political groups who are active on campus. I am certain that EUSA, the vast majority of political societies and groups such as Amnesty, Oxfam, and People and Planet would support scholarships for Palestinians and donation of resources. This would have had widespread support across campus, reflecting genuine student beliefs.

The University of Edinburgh is not a repressive organisation. Universities are beacons of tolerance and free-expression.

The “occupying” students should have mobilised a genuinely broad and popular campaign and asked university authorities to consider some of their proposals.

By turning the plight of Palestinians into a highly-politicised, confrontational issue the “occupiers” are far less likely to end the suffering of people in Gaza. I hope that they are out of George Square Lecture Theatre soon. (written before the students left the Lecture Theatre on Monday morning)

WHO HAS EXPRESSED SUPPORT FOR THE PROTESTERS? -Norman G. Finkelstein, American academic and author -Noam Chomsky, Professor Emeritus at MIT -Ilan Pappe, author of ‘The Ethnic Cleansing of Palestine’ -Ian McWhirter, Rector of Edinburgh University -Shirley-Anne Somerville MSP, Scottish National Party -Prof. Dennis Brutus, South African anti-Apartheid activist -The University and College Union, National Executive -Fresh Air FM, Edinburgh University Student Radio

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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12 Editorial

The Student gets silenced

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omething foul is afoot on the S University of Edinburgh central campus. Two weeks ago, issues of

The Student began vanishing from distribution stands at an astounding rate. At first, we thought this apparent surge in readership might have something to do with our sudden and dramatic leap in journalistic standards, our jaw-dropping recent redesign, our endlessly entertaining, unfailingly astute editorials… about eight seconds later, we were searching for an alternative, less ridiculous explanation.

Within days, speculation, patchy eyewitness accounts and full-blown conspiracy theories were coming in from all angles. On a number of occasions, one particular suggestion involving campus politicians, childish grudges and a campaign of swift and widespread censorship did crop up – and, yes, it did seem seductively believable - but we’ll leave it to oth-

editors@studentnewspaper.org

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The Student was launched by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson in 1887, as an independent voice for Edinburgh's literati. It is Britain's oldest university newspaper and is an independent publication, distributing 6,000 copies free to the University of Edinburgh.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lord Kitchener, David Lloyd, George and Winston Churchill are a few of the famous people who have been associated with the paper. In the 1970s, Gordon Brown was the editor in chief, working alongside Robin Cook who at the time was in charge of film and concert reviews.

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frankly, we can’t really be arsed.

What we will say, though, is that should this mysterious disappearance have something to do with the political sentiments and hidden agendas supposedly conveyed by some of our recent articles, the culprit (or culprits) should be ashamed. This is censorship in its crudest, most underhand form.

It’s all very well going on about the sanctity of the free press in this country but to think that this could all be undermined by a few bitter, opportunistic weasels and a conveniently placed recycling bin kind of puts a damper on it all. Plus it costs us quite a lot to print this…

If this really is the result of a rise in readership, please accept our apologies for this uncharacteristic bout of tinfoil-hat paranoia, as well as our thanks for your continued interest and support.

The Student remains sceptical.

Your Letters A MATTER OF PRINCIPAL Dear Student,

» By email:

ers to jump to conclusions. The issue in question (week 4) may have contained some of our slightly more incendiary material but when the problem continued into the far safer week 5, things suddenly didn’t seem so cut and dried.

Shortlived attempts at identifying the perpetrators through CCTV footage were unfortunately foiled by EUSA's enormous 'For Students, By Students' banners, which successfully obscured the action like a fat man at the ballet.

We’re not going to point fingers, or any other appendages for that matter. We’re not going to make any bloodthirsty threats of physical retaliation, because it’s immature and probably illegal. We’re not going to expect whoever may be responsible to come forward, because so far they’ve not exactly proven themselves to be the epitome of honesty. And we’re not going to guard our stands because,

In light of your article on the front page of The Student this week, I find it a disgrace that the university has the audacity to offer the principal, Sir Timothy O’Shea, a 9.6 per cent pay rise on top of his already exorbitant salary of approximately £205,000. At a time when the world economy is in turmoil arguably due to the greed of the bonus culture, the fact that the university has chosen to increase Sir Timothy’s pay packet sends all the wrong messages regarding where its priorities lie, especially when the redevelopment of the main library is facing a hefty financial deficit (The Student, 13 Jan 2009) and prices in student outlets across Central Area and KB are on the rise. Though £20,000 would not go far towards addressing these issues, it would be money better spent and would go some way towards reassuring the student body that those in authority actually care for this university as something more than a business institution. The principal should be ashamed at accepting such a rise.

Matthew Brown 3rd year English Literature

Dear Student, How can the Principal and ViceChancellor Tim O’Shea justify the 9.6 per cent pay rise that he recently received? At a time when the University is struggling financially, why is our Principal taking home a staggering £228,000 pounds a year? His pay increase, which, as ‘Student’ reported, is three times the rate of inflation, has added some £23,000 a year to this man’s salary. To put this in context, this pay increase alone amounts to more than the total salary a paramedic would earn a year.

How many post graduate studentships could the University fund out of Tim O’Shea’s enormous pay packet?

How many new academic staff could be employed? Here is a suggestion Mr O’Shea. If you really care about

the University, why don't you return £175,000 of your salary to help plug the half a million pound shortfall in the library budget - which has come about on your watch - leaving you a very generous £1,000 a month to get by on.

Peter Mitchell 4th year History

A WORD FROM THE INCOMING RECTOR The following is an adaptation of an article that appeared in last Friday's edition of The Guardian, submitted to The Student by Iain Macwhirter.

The role of university rector dates from the 15th Century when the ancient Scottish universities were originally founded. The universities regarded themselves as civic communities in which the students were the main interest group. It is in recognition of this that the students (and in Edinburgh now the staff ) are allowed to elect the leader of the governing body every three years.

The Rector chairs the University Court which is the board of governance of Edinburgh University - a billion pound organisation and a major Scottish institution with over 25,000 students and 7,000 staff. You don’t get paid anything as Rector; there’s no expense account, no consultancies nor any other opportunity for personal enrichment. This is a purely honorary post.

Which makes it rather odd that anyone would want to do the job, but there’s never any shortage of candidates. Former Rectors include Gladstone, Churchill, Lloyd George and Gordon Brown, and in other Scottish universities TV celebrities have often been persuaded to stand. In Edinburgh I was up against the veteran Labour politician and former minister, Lord George Foulkes, and the Respect MP, George Galloway. It was a tough fight, in the snow, and with some very harsh words between the two Georges.

I won, thanks almost entirely to the hard work of my extraordinarily able campaign team led by Edinburgh University student, Devin Dunseith.

Among the issues were student debt, solidarity with Palestinians in Gaza,

top up fees and the imminent introduction of identity cards for international students.

It’s been a fascinating and sobering experience for a hack like me to be on the other side for a change. Reminds you of just how hard it is to be a politician in an age of intense cynicism about the democratic process. A lot of people think you must be on the make in some way. And I have to say I’m more than a little daunted by the prospect of doing the job especially given the economic climate. When I was first approached to be Rector of Edinburgh University my first thought was: why me? I’m not a day time television presenter or a politician. I understood that one of my rivals might be TV’s Jeremy Clarkson which made me even more sceptical.

But I rapidly discovered that the rectorship in Scottish universities is no longer seen as a sinecure for celebrities or part of the honours system.

Over the last decade the elected rectors of the Scottish universities have been working together to drive out the show business personalities and revive this unique democratic institution. Candidates are now expected to sign the Rector’s Charter, which commits them to attending meetings and remaining in touch with the student associations and staff. It’s not enough just to be there on polling day.

It’s pretty clear that one of the major issues facing students in the next few years is going to be graduate unemployment. Around a third of them are not going to get jobs, and students are leaving university with huge debts of £20,000 to £25,000. The banks are getting nasty about overdrafts. This generation of students has been led to believe that they have made a secure investment in their futures. Unfortunately, they’re about to discover that the market has just crashed. It is more important than ever to ensure that governments properly value higher education. Universities are not expendable: they are the future. If there is any solution to this hundred year economic crisis, then it is likely to be found in places like Edinburgh. And as Rector, I won’t let politicians forge it.

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday February 10 2009

FEATURESINTERVIEWSREVIEWS » ARTMUSICFILM » LIFESTYLE » TECHTV

ARTS & FEATURES THIS WEEK IN STUDENT

ANDROGYNOUS DRESSING LIFESTYLE P16

ART ON SHOW AT ECA P23

VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA FILM P16

Resister - exister!

Passionate politics, or just petty time-wasting? Charlie King does some thumb-twiddling and contemplates the French University strikes rench universities are on strike.

F At the time of writing, 68 of about 80 institutions across the

country are affected, meaning thousands of hours lost to protesting, general confusion, and, for many, thumb-twiddling. Twenty hours of cancelled classes in the last two weeks, and my thumbs are pretty tired.

Fantastic, you might think.

More time to live the true Erasmus life. Well maybe so, but the daily hour-long round trip to university, the daily question, “Est-ce qu’il y aura les cours aujourd’hui?”, and the daily response, “Je ne sais pas”, do become rather tiresome.

That said, it’s been quite fascinating to observe a phenomenon which I could scarcely imagine in the UK. Events started on January 29, when around a million French workers hit the streets of the largest cities to vent their concerns about the economic situation. Since then, while most have trudged back to

the workplace, universities have continued to protest against a reform package proposed by Nicolas Sarkozy’s increasingly unpopular government.

Two principal changes are at the centre of the controversy. Put simply, the first would remove a year of practical training for future school teachers, while the second would see increased institutional control over the activity of academics. According to the government, these measures would streamline and improve a university education system often seen as relatively weak in European terms.

According to opponents, who join students and professors alike, they’re purely fiscal-driven, and would devalue the teaching profession.

Current events are far from unprecedented. At my host university, in Grenoble, there are countless tales of repeated, yearly strike action. It’s pretty much built into the university calendar. In 2005, lecture

theatres were occupied, barricaded, and essentially ripped to shreds. The following year saw nationwide action against a law regarding first time work contracts. And last year, many students enjoyed a Christmas holiday about five weeks longer than normal.

All of which may lead us to wonder what it is that drives French students out of the lecture theatre and onto the street year after year. Of course, it’s the cliché that France is a country which loves to strike. While this shouldn’t be over-exaggerated or taken out of context – think Britain under Margaret Thatcher – it seems that, as with most stereotypes, it isn’t unfounded. Resistance against government is a well-trodden path in a country which has seen twelve political systems come and go since the Revolution of 1789.

Rose-tinted glasses aside, the British public are more persuaded in a general belief that, even if we don’t wholeheartedly concur with every policy decision, the government is, well, at least trying to do well by us. But it would be naïve and somewhat arrogant to suggest that our

political system and our politicians are simply better than their French counterparts. Rather, we might suggest that the French public is much less passive, much less co-operative.

Certainly, Sarkozy doesn’t help himself with tax cuts for the wealthy and billions upon billions of Euros in financial support for big business.

Yet the president was elected just two years ago, by a distinct margin over Segolène Royal.

As one student put it to me, the French do just quite like saying 'non'.

There exists a quite strongly engrained and surprisingly widespread feeling that rather than working for them, the French government is somehow pulling in the opposite direction to its people.

This tradition of resistance explodes every so often in mass protests, strikes, and constitutional upheavals that quickly get written into popular legend. There isn’t a Frenchman alive who couldn’t tell you at least a little bit about May 1968, when, inspired by students, more than 10 million workers went on strike. The mythology, slogans and spirit of that infamous month give it, and as such every student uprising since, an air of being fashionable, cool. Resister = exister, as

is scrawled on the toilet wall in the history department at Grenoble.

Thanks to this cult mindset, the strike in France has become a bit of a bandwagon affair. Few would criticise those who stand up and act for what they believe in, and against what they oppose. Perhaps us British students could even learn a thing or two (French students would have castrated Tony Blair before they paid top-up fees). But to object for objection’s sake, to take to the streets at the slightest Sarkozy slip-up, it can’t be healthy.

Professors at my university have this week taken to giving so-called “alternative classes”. This essentially involves taking a class, at the usual hour, but teaching a different subject in some twisted form of protest. To really make their point, some even take classes outside, in the gardens of the campus or the squares of the town centre, talking about pretty much anything other than what they should be paid to teach. It all smacks of contrariness, even immaturity. In the scheme of things, France works, and works well. They say to resist is to exist. It’s an attractive slogan, but perhaps not always one to live by.

Tuesday February 10 2009 studentnewspaper.org

14 Magazine: Features

Inside the occupation

Lee Bunce talks to the protesters about their time in the occupied George Square lecture theatre ince the launch of the sit-in proS tests in the middle of last week, the occupation of George Square

Lecture Theatre has been a dividing force across campus. Inspired by numerous other occupations around UK Universities in response to Israel’s January operation in Gaza strip, and of course famous protests of decades gone-by, the occupation at George Square has split popular opinion straight down the middle.

Inside the theatre however, where protestors having were living and sleeping from Wednesday until yesterday, protestors have been left bemused by the coverage.

“There’s been some misunderstanding of what is actually going on in here,” explained Mike, one of the demonstrators behind the occupation. “I think a lot of people are just thinking ‘they’re just sitting around, dodging lectures, doing nothing’. It’s annoying really.”

Clearly enjoying his time at the sit in, Mike continues: “It has been a bit of a party atmosphere sometimes.

“We’ve had bands come and play, we've had people just sitting around chatting, playing music, playing scrabble.

"But it has also been quite serious. We've had lecturers come in and spend time with us, we've had five hour meetings with 60 people involved that have left us completely frazzled, and we had for example the head of a Scottish Jews for a Just peace giving the other side of the story, which I think really proves what we have been saying all along, which is that it is a creative informative space and opened up a dialogue that up until now has just been non-existent at this university."

“I think the energy has been really exciting,” added Deirdre, another demonstrator at the sit-in.

“There’s this whole community feeling in here, everyone just takes on every role when it comes to managing things" With respect to the criticisms the occupation has provoked outside of the lecture theatre, the protesters, numbering as many as 60 at their peak, have been keen to downplay their significance.

“We’ve heard about the reactions, but I don’t think it’s really

affected the group in any way,” said Jess, another of the protesters. “I think its important to differentiate between the response we’ve been getting from people who are very far away and have very strong views whose opinion really has no relevance to this and has no effect on it, and then there’s people who have come in here, or even just

“

I think it's really good that we have provoked such a reaction from the opposition, it means people are engaging with it." outside, and have at least engaged in discussion and seen we are not any of the things people have accused us of being, whether they are for or against the protest.” “Although people are having fun stereotyping us as left-wing hippy nutcases” adds Mike, with reference to the more personal attacks the protesters have often received.

Harry Cole, Chairman of the

“

There's been some misunderstanding of what is actually going on in here. It's annoying really " Edinburgh University Conservative and Union Association, in particular has been prominent it criticising the protests, labelling the sit-ins ‘nothing a bit of tear gas wouldn’t sort out’. The occupiers however have little time for such sentiments.

“My feeling is that I would love for him to come over and come in and speak to us. But of course he hasn’t, he wouldn’t dare I don’t think” said Miriam, who like the other demonstrators preferred not to give her surname.

“I think it’s really good that

we have provoked such a strong reaction from the opposition. That’s really good because, with people at this University being so apathetic, any reaction is a good reaction. It means people are talking about it and engaging with it and discussing it, and it might lead onto a more dynamic environment throughout the whole university, whether related to Gaza or anything else,” added Jess. “If people aren’t reacting at all it’s a sure indication that you aren’t actually doing anything.”

While the occupation has garnered a certain degree of criticism on campus, the protesters have been overwhelmed by the support they have received from groups and individuals off campus and indeed around the world. The occupiers have received messages of support from such prominent figures as Noam Chomsky, Norman Finkelstein and the prominent Israel/Palestine scholar Ilan Pappé, alongside numerous other groups and individuals, while donations and assistance have been come forward within the Edinburgh community also.

“The mosque have been donating food to us, they’ve been amazing, and the Forest Café have given us food as well, alongside lots of individuals who have given us chocolate, pizza's, and so on. We’ve had people approach us and say ‘we’ve heard about what you’re doing, here is some food’ and so on. The support we have had has been great" Although the occupation ended early yesterday morning, the individuals involved in the protest have made it clear that the occupation will not be the end of the campaign on this issue.

“This is just the beginning of something we are putting a lot of time and effort into. We want to create a space in the University for people to engage in this." commented Deirdre.

“We are intending to publicise the occupation explaining what happened and what we have achieved, for example the public lecture series we have asked for. We intend on making sure that it happens.”

features@studentnewspaper.org

TONTINE

A giant, a dolphin, water.

Mike McCormick

I

am seven feet nine inches tall.

Since the age of fourteen I have been the tallest man in Iowa; and since the death of Alvin Turner, my predecessor, have been the tallest man in the United States. The honour of tallest man in the world goes to a Mr Xiaoping in Wu-Nan province, China, who is almost eight feet. I have seen him in newspapers posing next to a giraffe (they used an infant giraffe to exaggerate the effect), or holding in one shovel-like hand the world’s shortest man, a grinning Mongolian

wearing a miniature tuxedo. Xiaoping is seven years my junior, and from what I have read of his habits he eats very healthily, and takes pride in his physical well-being, and so I expect him to outlive me. So if I wanted to be the world’s tallest man for a few moments I should have to wear those shoes, lifts, the favourites of insecure actors and politicians looking to put on a few inches. Perhaps I should go to one of those shops for “the shorter gentleman”, and ask the giggling shop assistant if they had lifts in a size twenty-two. That would be a story for someone to tell, I suppose.

Tontine

(Continued) I’ve sometimes been depressed, have felt an outcast. Sometimes I picture the world’s happiness as a sort of gas, heavier than air, an invisible cloud in which most people spend their lives submerged, without ever knowing it. I look down on those below me and imagine walking in that cloud; I want to duck my head down to their level and breathe it in. Just once I would like to look at the world of normal human relations on the level, as they say. For I see nothing but the tops of things. In a crowd I am surrounded by the tops of many bald and hairy heads, hatted and bare, young and old. I am a connoisseur of the scalp and the crown: I know all the fine spirals and whorls the growth of hair can describe. I see faces also, but only normally in contortions of horror, when their owners look up to stare.

Urges take me, to duck, to walk around on my knees. But I mustn’t behave too strangely or I would justify those who misjudge me. I see people casting their eyes up and taking comfort in my size: they imagine me a dimwit, of course, an oddity, God’s reassurance of their own good fortune. Of course it would be uncharitable to begrudge them any healthy perspective my outrageous appearance might provide, but I do get angry. Nobody understands me, I whine. After all, I am good at my job – I am a tree-surgeon – and although I am not a natural athlete, thanks to my size I have had some success. I excelled at basketball and at college I won medals for wrestling – my opponents would quake, or take one look at me and squat on the mat; and all would look at me with eyes that suggested I ought to be sporting and play something else. What could I try, I would ask myself, bending double to accept another trophy – pole vaulting? I think not.

I tried swimming but I am defeated by water. I thrash about and make so much noise and foam that I am asked – politely, of course: who wants to offend a giant? – to quit the pool.

In fact I have just one fond memory of water – of being in water, I mean. I’m OK with looking at water. But washing irks me: even though I have a bath that fits me – as I say, I am successful in my work, and can afford a few industrial-sized home comforts – I cannot take baths. As soon as I feel the water around me, closing over my chest, I feel a wave of shame – of guilt. I think it’s perhaps the sensation of warmth and wetness around me reminds me somehow of the time before I was born – the only time I ever really fitted in, I sometimes reflect in gloomy moments. I can’t take it in the bath, so I shower. Showering is offensive too, because it requires that I look at my naked body, but it’s better than the bath.

But as I say, I have one fond memory of being in water. It happened one day last year, when I got a phone call from a man named Roger, who worked at Aquaworld, the aquarium in Des Moines. He sounded embarrassed. “Hi – is that Mr Anders?”

I answered gruffly. I tend to answer phones gruffly. “Yeah. Who’s speaking?”

“My name’s Roger, I work at Aquaworld, the aquarium in Des Moines. You know, this is rather embarrassing. Gosh. We’re having a minor problem – a major problem, actually. And this problem – we thought that perhaps you could be of service–” “I am a tree surgeon,” I said, “so if your problem is tree-related, I am most certainly listening.”

“Well now,” said Roger, whose good cheer sounded frantic, “it’s not a tree problem. In fact, we have very few of those at this aquarium, although I have got a pear-tree in my garden that seems sick, the leaves are falling too early – but in fact, the problem wasn’t trees–” “Is it possible,” I asked gravely, “that you heard that I am quite tall?”

Now poor Roger sounded grateful. “Well yes, we did, Mr Anders, it’s just that this is a very particular problem, and someone mentioned that you live nearby, and that you are – quite tall, and we thought that –” “I won’t be unblocking any tricky drains, or posing for any photos”, I said. This is my standard disclaimer, although in fact this I don’t often get

such callers, and was intrigued. And anyway, I don’t mind being in photos. I suppose I just like to seem grumpy.

“It’s nothing like that, Mr Anders. Actually, you could save somebody’s life.” Suddenly I could hear concern in Roger’s voice, almost a sort of desperation. I waited for him to continue. “It’s Lara”, he said, “our only dolphin”.

I listened, and after I had listened I got into my large car and drove to the aquarium.

I was met at the aquarium by Roger, a healthylooking young man with a moustache and another man called Mike, also healthy and blond, and dressed in the same uniform. They both did their very best, considering. I had not shaved that morning, or indeed washed, and I suppose I looked frightening. They both looked me in the eye and shook my hand without seeming patronising or overly fearful.

“We should hurry,” said Roger, who was the more worried of the two. I nodded and they turned and began to walk. I had visited the aquarium once before (with my nephew and niece, whom I rarely see. They didn’t enjoy the killer whale as much as I; I was captivated by its size) – but we didn’t go in by the entrance that I knew, which stood at the end of a little avenue of silver birches

“As Roger told you on the phone, we think she swallowed a plastic bag,” Mike was saying. It can happen sometimes. If one is dropped in and floats around for a while eventually she’s bound to eat it. But normally we can grab it ourselves, or use these pincers,” He pointed to a something like a long pair of tongs, made of fibreglass. “But this one seems to be lodged further in. We can’t reach it.”

“Well,” I said, “It’s a trickier drain than I’ve ever unblocked”. Roger looked terrified, and I tried to reassure him. “Just a joke, Roger. People often get me to use my arms to get things out of other things. But never living things. That’s unusual.”

“Just be careful” said Roger, who seemed almost on the verge of collapse. Mike touched him gently on the shoulder. I wondered whether perhaps these odd two were lovers. Mike said something quietly to Roger and then turned to me, “Wait a second Mr Andrers – what’s your first name?” Jake, I told him.

“Wait a minute, Jake, perhaps you’d like to put some waders on.”

He turned to a small workbench behind him and produced a pair of long rubber boots – too big, I could see, for an ordinary human, but not

Hannah Rastall

– whose pallid leaves, I could remember from the last time, betrayed an unhealthy lack of nitrogen in the soil. Instead we walked around the back of the low concrete building, and entered by a small metal door of typical behind-the-scenes scruffiness. Stairs led down into a damp coldly-lit underground space. “You might want to watch your head here, Mr Anders”, said Mike cheerfully, but I was already bent double. At the bottom of the stairs Roger unlocked another door, with a hand that shook as he used the key. Through this door was a small swimming pool, about fifteen metres long, and in it was the dolphin. It was held afloat just below the surface, supported by a blue canvas strap which was wrapped around its midriff behind the smoothly curving dorsal fin, and cabled to a winch beside the pool.

“She’s been sedated,” said Mike, “she was wasting too much energy thrashing about, and she’s having trouble breathing.” Dolphins are supposed to look graceful, I know – I’ve seen them on screen, arcing in and out of the water like sine waves – but this one was sluggish, completely limp in the water, supported heavily by the strong canvas.

“Where’s everyone else that works here?” I asked. Mike answered; Roger seemed to be worrying more and more, with sweat on his face, and Mike often touched him with a placating hand.

“We know you didn’t want an audience, so we got everyone out of here while you’re working with Lara.” I nodded, but felt a certain disappointment.

huge enough. He held them up to me like an offering.

“I think they might be too small, Mike,” I said gently.

“Oh. Of course. But take these: they’re extra, that is they’re extra extra large, I found them earlier.” He gave me a pair of rubber gloves.

They looked like things for a toy. I nodded as seriously as I could, and unlaced my giant shoes and removed my socks, and began to take off my trousers, stripping to my boxers. Roger looked squeamish – perhaps he glimpsed my terrible kneecaps, the yawning cliff-aces of my shins. But Mike turned away discreetly. I could hear the slow exhalations of the creature in the water.

I turned and lowered myself into the blue-tiled pool. The water was shockingly cold and very still, and lapped around my thighs. Clutching my gloves, I splashed towards the dolphin. The pool was wider than it was long, only a few metres across. I reached the dolphin. Mike and Roger had walked quickly around the pool and were standing above the dolphin, Mike looking down with an encouraging smile, Roger’s face pale and averted. The thing’s mouth was held open into a wide grin by a metal frame, revealing neat teeth and a clean pink maw. I peeked in, but could see nothing out of place in the blood-dark depths of its gullet: the problematic bag must lie further in.

I looked up at Roger and Mike, who had been silent. They were looking anxious but Mike gave me a thumbs-up sign, and Roger said, “Go on.” I was worried about harming the delicate biology

of this creature. The dolphin was warm and it – she – was shuddering with each slow ragged inbreath, sending little cascades of water into the pool from her back as it rose and fell.

I swallowed and pulled on the extra-large rubber glove that Roger had given me. Of course my giant gnarled tree-doctor’s fingernails burst immediately through, splitting the yellow rubber so that each finger poked through like a peeled banana. I looked back towards the two watchers, giving a shrug and removing the glove with a grimace.

“She’s very clean!” said Roger desperately; I shushed him with an expansive wave.

Turning back from them, I put my bare hand on the creature’s tongue, afraid that the dolphin would wake up, that her eyes would snap into life and look accusingly at me. The pink tongue was unyielding and surprisingly rough, like a cat’s.

Well, I told myself, it’s about time you stuck your hand down a dolphin’s throat. And, mentally rolling up my sleeves, I did, feeling fearful of the little white teeth even despite the steel frame between the creature’s jaws.

I stretched into the dolphin, feeling my hand move over the tongue and the two humps of flesh which rose up behind it, at the back of the mouth, tonsils perhaps but I am not an animal surgeon, I only know trees, and down further, out of view, as I moved closer to the creature to get better access, standing closer to it to delve deeper. The flesh was warm and seemed to adhere wetly to my hand as I pushed further, until my elbow was resting at the rear of her tongue, and I was beginning to stretch. I knew I must be quick, the dolphin’s breathing was faster, and water began to splash from her of as she subsided from each convulsion.

Reaching round with my other hand, I touched the oily smooth grey skin of her back and said “It’s OK, it’s OK, we’ll be fine.” But suddenly I had the same feeling as I get in the bath – with my arm encased in the press of soft pulsating tissue, invisible to me, I had an inkling of the guilt that I like to think is a reminder of the clinging sorry of childbirth, of leaving comfort for the cold world.

“Can you feel anything?” asked Mike. I didn’t look round, only trying to numb myself to the deadening feeling, and stretching ever more, uncurling my fingertips now to stretch – and there it was. Something alien, smoother than living tissue, less substantial, more slippery than the flesh of the dolphin’s gullet. The bag was sloppy with digestive juices, secreted to no avail against the impermeable plastic. I pincered it between thumb and middle finger, and said Yes, in a voice which echoed in the chilly dankness.

Roger let out a croak – of relief or fear I couldn’t discern, and I couldn’t look up to see them in my constrained position, but Mike said, “OK, just pull that bag out there Jake.”

Suddenly I remembered a torture method the Nazis used: they would make their victim swallow a piece of material, and leave it in until their guts began to fix themselves to it in the process of digestion, and then yank it out. I thought of pulling on the bag and feeling the soft tug of tearing organs; I imagined the slow breathing of the animal quickening and dark blood in the water.

My tongue was swollen in my mouth, I could hardly think. I gave an experimental pull, with all my gentleness. I felt it shift. Wriggling my hand deeper, I clutched a handful of the plastic, and pulled slowly, and with perfect ease it began to slip free.

With a feeling of suction, with the slippery thing held tight between my fingers, I pulled my hand from the dolphin’s throat, gently as I could, until with an almost-comical pop, and a gasp of joy from Roger, I pulled the plastic bag free – it was from the gift shop and bore a photograph of a dolphin, perhaps Lara herself, only grinning and leaping above the water. And with clear juices dripping from it and running down my stillwarm arm, I held this sopping plastic jellyfish two-handed in front of me in the chilly air, waving it before the dolphin’s exhausted, unseeing eyes, like a proud doctor proffering a newborn to his mother.

-Rex Moontooth

17.02.09

Tontine

Polly and the Sea Monster

IJasper found a red sea monster; a long, eel-like n the depths of the Pacific ocean, Polly and

fiery beast with a splayed tail, and a wide, tubular body that could have quite comfortably held both the girl and the arctic fox. Not that this is the Book of Jonah; no, Polly and Jasper would not have survived long in the belly of the sea monster. For one, it would have been a slightly tighter fit for them than the large, cavernous belly of a whale. There were no Ninevites, and there were no acts of rebellion—though these would come later for Polly—at the time of their journey to the West coast.

It was a miserable, wet and windy day in February upon which the pair took off to camp not far from the shore of the ocean with Polly’s great-Uncle Philip. Polly was at least hoping for the wind to die down so that they would be able to take her great-uncle’s fishing boat out; as it were, the waves were far too choppy and dangerous for swimming. And the boat, The Worm Dangler, was only a cockleshell: a small, light boat not fit for heavy weather and stormy seas. So instead, they made a fire from deadwood on the sand, safely away from the high tide mark and set up camp. As Philip was pinning down a shelter for sitting and a large tent for sleeping, Polly was finding it very difficult picking up wood that wasn’t damp or soaked through, so she shouted out to Jasper, asking him to search further away for some dry logs and smaller branches. He was gone for what must have been half an hour, but returned with a considerable pile of cuttings between his teeth, all dry, apart from the considerable amount of saliva he had attached to them.

An hour later, Polly, Jasper and Philip were sitting around the fire eating sausages and drinking hot cocoa. Well, apart from Jasper, that is. He didn’t like cocoa.

Despite the rain, and the cold wind that found its way underneath the shelter and up the sleeves of Polly and Philip’s fleeces and cagoules, the three were in good spirits. Philip brought out a pack of well-used cards with 1950s American cars on the backs, and they played black jack and rummy into the night.

Jasper mostly chewed the cards, or ran away with them, but Polly soon got him distracted by suggesting that there could be pirate treasure hidden on the beach, so Jasper ran off and was seen digging holes for several minutes, until he returned more sandy than white, and looking rather despondent.

Jasper woke first in the morning. He then woke Polly and Philip by swimming in the ocean and returning to shake the salt water over his companions. This was not to their amusement, though Polly did admit that it was an effective alarm call later when she wasn’t thinking about murdering Jasper with whatever she could lay her hands on. On hands and knees, she crept

Sonya Hallett

out of the tent on to the sand and raised her eyes to the sky: it was cloudy, but the rain had completely gone, the wind had died down, and there appeared clear patches above the ocean on the horizon. The fishing trip was well and truly on.

Polly pulled a disgruntled Philip out of bed and began to collect together some amenities for their trip: some paddles, three life-jackets, a first-aid kit, some sandwiches, water bottles, fishing nets, rods, flies, hooks, bait, a camera, and some sun-hats. “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of optimism, is there?” Polly thought.

As it turned out, there were a couple of short intervals of sunshine. Not enough to merit wearing a sun-hat, but some clear breaks nonetheless. They paddled out to sea and found themselves a mile and a half away from the shore at noon. The ocean was fairly calm here and Philip had thrown the fishing line out half a dozen times in the area, but without success.

They decided to venture further out to sea.

This time, Polly set up a fishing rod and threw her line over the side of the boat with a purple wooly bugger fly and salmon eggs as

bait. She peered over the side of the boat with Jasper to her right, sitting on the raised wooden platform. They had not been poised there long, when a huge tug came from the line and pulled Polly clean off the side of the boat and into the sea. The splash created from the impact with the ocean threw buckets of water into the boat.

Jasper yelped in shock as Philip let go of his net and swung round, losing balance completely and flailing over onto the floorboards as The Worm Dangler vigorously shook from side to side. Philip rose immediately, scrambling over to the side of the boat. He stared hard at the area of water Polly had fallen into, but could only see the remaining waves and froth produced from her entry along with the sound of a splurge beneath the surface. Shaking from shock, he started taking off his trousers and shirt, losing his balance and almost collapsing on the deck again.

Jasper had dived in after her feet and head first as Philip had fallen and scurried about the boat.

It was dark four metres under the ocean, although the light could be seen above on the

surface of the water. Jasper kicked his legs hard and saw a faint red blur in front of him, perhaps only two metres away. His thick white fur provided little resistance to the cold of the water, but the nerve shock aroused his—before sleepy—senses into action, sending blood and energy to his leg muscles. Polly was caught up in the line, the end of which was attached to the jaw of a red sea monster; a creature that must have been 6 metres long. She was struggling—squirming for her release by flinching in every which way—but only to the effect of the cord tightening under her armpits and waist.

Jasper saw her then: her arms strapped to her sides, her body twisting. The monster was encircling her, wrapping the cord lower and lower down her body in spirals.

From above Polly’s head, Jasper drove down to her side. He gnawed at the line—tearing pieces of Polly’s dress away—but the line was strong, and he was ingesting too much water.

The last hope was to release the hook from the red monster. Jasper threw his body downwards again, matching the beast’s movements as he drew near to its side, and then he made a swift movement with his right paw, catching its scales and dragging the hook out from its mouth. The monster jerked away as the wire eased from Polly’s underarms. As she dropped, Jasper dived under her and lifted her towards the surface. He pushed, but her body was too heavy, too awkward in shape; and she slipped over his white fur.

Philip was hopping on one leg and then the other, cussing and wincing, trying to rid himself of his clothes. He discarded his yellow t-shirt on to the green heap of shorts and sandals, and threw himself off the side of the boat, catching the rim with his left foot and making an almighty splash as he hit the water. Underneath, he felt the sting of salt water hit his eyes, a pain which he fought against by tightening his muscles and gritting his teeth. He cussed again, this time internally.

Philip saw a flash of white and lunged forwards with his arms butterfly spread before him, oblivious to the trail of blood dispersing into a cloud from his left foot. He closed his eyes and thrust his legs back, moving towards the blur of Jasper’s body. Opening his eyes again momentarily, he noticed the red of Polly’s dress. He numbed the pain behind his eyes, stretched and caught her left leg as his body sunk with hers.

Calling upon reserves of strength, he fought against the water’s weight and dragged her leg towards his chest. He forced her body up with his. Jasper followed, and the three surfaced seconds later in gasps and aching, limp limbs.

Polly was unconscious, but alive.

- Jonny Stockford

Dave Coates

Tontine

The Girl and the Scarecrow T

WO BLACK sticks in the ground, the remains of Mother’s broom after the end fell off. Pinned one across the other, the outline a crucifix against the pale sky.

It sat there through the winter, ramrod straight in the cold hard ground until the spring came and the seeds were sown.

“We’ll need a man out there soon,” mused Father by the window.

The girl by the hearth looked up from her drawing.

Tontine

Week 6 17.02.09

“You want to help your dad build a scarecrow?

You can name him if you like.”

A silent nod.

“Good lass.”

Old clothes were dragged from the drawers into which they had been banished when they grew too small or too far-gone to mend.

“You choose.”

She selected an old blue shirt that still had some colour in it and a pair of old cord trousers that were nearly through at the knee.

Sitting in the doorway of the barn she watched as Father stuffed the clothes with straw and rags.

“Why don’t you draw a face on this sack?”

When Father looked over her shoulder the round, dark eyes of a child stared back at him, knowing and sad despite the thin red line of a smile below them. He blinked at the picture, touching the girl lightly on the shoulder.

My hundred year-old ghost “That’s nice love. Have you thought of a name for him yet?”

“Eric.”

The sack was stuffed too and sown roughly to the top of the shirt. Father dragged the whole dirty heap out to the field in a wheelbarrow while she followed behind.

He nailed the scarecrow tightly to the cross and gave it a shake to make sure he was secure.

He pulled the worn cap from his head and slid it over the top of the post, the brim shading the straw-man’s eyes.

“There you are Eric, all done.”

He left but the girl stayed behind, staring at the scarecrow with her own dark eyes. There was something still to be done.

Reaching into her pocket she withdrew the stone. She had found it in the field weeks ago and kept it in the box where she kept all the special secrets of a child: the pins and bits of ribbon and shells you found on the beach. The stone was flat and grey and the size of a baby’s hand and if you squinted a little and turned it slightly it looked rather like a heart.

Reaching out, she tucked the stone safely beneath the shirt, amidst the rags and straw, so that it wouldn’t fall out. Then she reached up and straightened the hat, giving the thing a kiss on its painted cheek. Now he was finished.

The sun came and the crops grew and the crows came and nibbled on them and on the scarecrow. Every day the girl would come with a pot which she would bang with a wooden spoon and march up and down the field clanging until they had all gone. Then she would straighten the scarecrow gently and sit on the ground before him, staring silently.

“What on earth are you doing girl?”

“I’m talking to Eric.”

“Well come inside, it’s time for dinner.”

Mother bit her lip and glared at the figure on the pole but Father only shook his head.

“She’s only little, let her be.”

But when the rain came and the girl was outside again, crouched in the mud before the sagging straw man father began to worry.

“Play inside where it’s dry.”

“But Eric’s getting wet.”

“He’s a scarecrow love, he won’t get sick like you could.”

“He worries if I don’t go and see him.”

“You can see him from your window.

Don’t go out in the rain again, understand?”

But the rain stopped soon and she was back outside.

“It isn’t healthy.

She should be talking to the other kids, not sitting in a field all day.”

“At least she’s outside.”

“She thinks that thing is

real.”

“Hush now, it’s just like talking to a stuffed animal, or having an imaginary friend. She’ll get over it when we take him down after harvest.”

But when the harvest came, and Father put Eric in the barn, the girl kept visiting him.

“He’s lonely in there by himself, although he says it’s nicer in there than it was in the field.

Why did you put him in the barn?”

“Because he doesn’t need to protect the field any more. We’ll have another little job for him in a couple of months.”

She spent much of that time in the barn; the scarecrow propped up against the wall while she sat opposite him: this was better than being in the field, it was dry and warm in the barn and she could stay out here with a torch until after it was dark.

They sat in silence, the straw-man and the little girl, watching each other in the quiet, telling each other things without words. Each night, when she was finally called in by mother, she would kiss him on the cheek and whisper her goodnights.

Autumn was ending and winter had already begun when Father brought Eric out in the wheelbarrow once more. He trailed the strawman and the girl around the village knocking at doors.

“Penny for the guy, sir?” she’d ask when their summons was answered and people would pass over a few coins and promise father they would be at the party and ruffle her hair and say wasn’t she growing up fast.

They sat Eric on a chair atop a pile of wood on the green. As it got dark, people began to gather and someone played songs on the guitar. This was the first time she had been to the party and Mother gave her a toffee apple and a sparkler and told her to stay away from the fireworks.

They rumbled overhead like a brilliant thunder-storm, bursting in all the colours of the rainbow. The little girl stood mesmerised, holding mother’s hand and sucking on her toffee apple.

The air was thick with sweet smelling smoke.

And when they were done a couple of men appeared with big fiery torches and danced around in a circle before setting fire to the pile of wood.

The bonfire went up like a dream while everyone cheered. No one heard the little girl scream.

She stood, pale faced and still as marble.

When her voice finally gave out she continued to scream in silence, echoing the silent screams only she could hear from the body of the flames. Tears tracked down her cheeks reflecting the burning glow before her. Her little fists were clenched tightly.

When the fire had burned down and all that was left was smoking ash, Father picked her up to carry her home and she swivelled in his arms to stare back at the blackness.

“Better go tomorrow and help clean up I suppose.”

“Can I come too?” It was the first thing she had said since the blaze had begun.

“If you like, I suppose.”

Digging through the soot and ashes next day she found what she was looking for.

She wiped the little heart shaped stone on her jumper and kissed it lightly before putting it into her pocket. A heart of stone was still a heart and, unlike her own, it was unbreakable.

- Jennifer Bryce

My 100-year-old ghost sits up with me when the power cuts, tells about the trout at Unkee’s Lake, the wood house burned on the hill.

He says he was intimate with every leaf of grass.

Wore one hat for Griswold, another for his own field, the possibilities of the century laid out; an endless string of fishing pools.

But they never got ahead of my ghost he took them like cows, one at a time, never lusted for the color of trout in a pool a mile away.

He knew from the smoke in the sky Mrs. Johnson was starting supper,

Mar Arrepiado

and, in March when the candles appeared, he knew Bobby’s boy had died

The sea shivers under the window; shivers slender under the wind’s blow,

My ghost only ever had one bar where the keeper didn’t water his drinks,

which snakes across, through and round, scaling waves, riding waves, and

nor did he feel the need to hide his moth cap, his potato clothes, or scrub himself birth pink.

My ghost tells me there was a time you’d look out and not find a Dairy Queen.

You could sit on your porch a whole life, and never think about China.

Sometimes I see my ghost bringing cut sunflowers to his wife and it seems so simple.

Then, sometimes, it is dark he’s just in from work and Griswold says they ain’t going to raise his pay.

And even back then the power went out, long nights when they had no kerosene.

And my ghost tries to sell me on simpler times: the grass soft, endless lampless nights, pools of crickets singing.

meanwhile:

San Juan Blackness: Looking for you - I found a guide: ‘ ‘ a cloud of nothing ‘ ‘ More looking, Then I found your face, a heavy door squeaking shut, wind tearing the pampas grass, a flurry of wild beast blood red coral, The smell of a torrent fishing nets, gunpowder, Titan Arum in bloom, warm-reekin’, rich!

And pungent wet lillies, burning holes in the night.  Luke Healey

- Ryan Van Winkle

(You play me like tomorrow’s bass line, lined up like Klein’s blue ladies: I lathered myself in paint to print myself on your beige walls.)

Meanwhile, the winds want snow in the North, torrential floods down South.

(We part the seas in the supermarket aisles.

We pick at foods, buoying ‘round our torsos, we pick at foods like gulls) Meanwhile, the winds, they blow the smells out like souls (blow the sax clear like Soul) in a city of rooms with open windows, beneath which the sea shivers slender and slow.

And meanwhile, Stars wrap themselves around our limbs like water.

And the wind blows us out, shivering, into the sea.

-Julia Sans Chaises

La Mentira

Venice

Ambos me dieron su corazón. Uno era naranja y de zanahoria. El otra de hierro pintado de rosa.

Los dos me gustaban. Uno me lo comí y el otro me lo puse. Entonces pensé que los tenía, pero me equivoqué. Ellos sólo se querían entre ellos.

The Lie They both gave me their hearts. One was orange and made of carrots: the other of iron, painted pink. I liked them both. I ate one of them, and the other one, I wore. And so I thought I had them, but I was wrong. They both only just wanted each other.

-Nerea Pereira Rodriguez (translated by Julia Sanches)

Faith Nicholson

Faith Nicholson

Life Abroad

Something is passed over here, Something is forgotten, Something fills the fountain’s silence As a pigeon wets its wings, And lingers when the tourists leave, Who idle over bridges.

Something here outlasts the heat That’s sucked up into cloudless nights, Other than the shining sheets The streetlamps light, Draped from windows, drying.

Something remains: A smell, a salt wind slunk in through alleyways With the odour of decay: The breath of a patient ocean, waiting.

- RM

I

T IS a fact that deserves to be more widely known that in the city of Munich there exists a battered blue door through which another world can be reached. You will not find it mentioned in any tourist guide. None of the excellent maps or signs in the town give any indication as to its presence. Rather it is just there, reassuringly present like the tramp who sits near the steps of the Justizpalast or the woman who stares out of her window on the filthiest street in the centre.

Informed poets often claim that the door is disregarded by an over-stimulated world, too fixated on passing pleasures to care about the mystical things in life. In reality, human indifference merely speaks of an uncomfortable truth, which is this: the other world is rubbish.

“Oh!” travellers through the door will exclaim. “But the world-inside-Munich has things the likes of which simply cannot be seen in our

own!” In dizzying tones they will talk of Maiben Tau and the Sound Castles of Genhaj, as travellers from the other side talk of Rome and Angkor Wat. And inevitably they will leave out the airports, the haze and the smog, as travellers so often do. For the sights and sounds of the other world are but a tiny part of it, and for every wonder and excitement there are a million things exactly the same as in our own. Around their cities are identical suburbs, and in the mornings identical people go off to identical jobs. Or perhaps not quite identical: academics have argued that this world works in several fascinatingly different ways to our own, and, were we to realise why, we could revolutionise both in an afternoon. But this is meaningless to you, as confusing as the babble of aliens you are resigned to hearing every day.

And so after a while, this other world’s peculiarities become utterly forgotten, like the quirks of one lover merging into the next. In time, the fact that camels never existed there becomes unremarkable, that watermelons taste like fish tedious. The new geography of the planet becomes mundane: a fractured backdrop for the same endless meetings, conferences and calls.

Occasionally, you will mention Holland or Pisa by mistake in a pub, and people will listen in pretend fascination at the fantastical places you describe. How could a country exist that was a part of the sea, held up by windmills like some fantastic creation of childhood? Why would anyone build a tower that was always falling over like some old drunk man? And you will laugh at the ridiculousness of it all through the night, and in the morning you will nurse your hangover and start to work once more.

In the city of Biln, four hundred miles away from where the door from our world opens out, there exists a skip through which another world can be reached. Here are the same suburbs, the same people, the same listlessness. It is said that in every city there are some travellers more lost than the others, traipsing through hostels and dusty squares with empty eyes. It has often been theorised that at least some of them have come through many doors and become lost, no longer able to distinguish one world from the next. Perhaps, you feel, one day they will find our world and be truly happy, for it is, of course, the best of all. Until then, they walk on like nomads in the sand; travellers in a desert of identical streets that never seem to end.

- Robert Shepherd

Tontine

Week 6

Glazed Olives

Glazed Olives your granddaddy whipped black men with rubber hoses across their feet extracting state secrets to keep his baby safe upon the rainbow street now your apple green eyes interrogate me in this new town where we replace petrol soaked throats with meanwhiles and maybes and your soft eiderdown -Dave Lewis

I could slip, like a smooth-faced saint, into these Abbey walls. The sea and sky clamber high to a rule I cannot sing away; each mile a missed step, jolting the stomach-pit, down the breadth of Scotland, the length of England and Wales.

Is this what-it-means-to-be-grown, my mother, not sex or philosophy, but worry? You wait for me; the radio sighs a warning. We are joined, you and I, by cold pinching dawns, cells that speak across the sound. I mutter incantations, you check the runes again. And in our ears, the sick sound of money, that solders time to a tick, tock.

Yet I run out echoing to feel it; The breakers, catching in my throat, with the crash of smashed crabs.

A bluish claw skews the shore.

And if it were all to Stop

All week I left the window open The room couldn’t contain me The air was heavy with lightning And the lightning spoke to my skin The hot air swelled my lungs Then your lips fell on me Like cool rain I was soaked in minutes – Trembling with silent thunder.

On this, the shortest day, My seagull soul would rejoice.

-Bethan Crobie

The Saxophonist

The Saxophonist

We unravelled the fairy lights my sister Left when she moved away And threaded them carefully Through the needles of our fold-out tree.

I jumped from switch to switch Until the room turned black and grey, Ushering the night through the french window And on the corner sits Then the lights flashed and for a moment A face glowed and your eyes were wide Till something blew and then silence.

I knelt by the socket with scotch tape and tried To secure the shot wires with giftwrap.

Spreading my arms like a priest before A burnt offering, I prayed against the dark.

These are streets that are Familiar with a brief love.

The walls inhale lives and secrets, Chapped lips and cigarettes; And all that is left is A yellowing foliage Against a grey backdrop.

And on the corner sits An elderly saxophonist who Tosses his riffs Into the air; Melodies that Rise and Refrain, That fall with the sunlight, And flutter and land: Lining the pathways And lining the drains.

-Dave Coates

-Katherina McMahon

Faith

on

ols Nich

Winter (I cannot remember a single breakfast)

America When America catches a cold Everybody else sneezes

By Golly! I thought No wonder the world’s so full ofbreezes!

-Shaun Douglas

And then, afterwards O God I’m pathetic.

Chestnuts

-Richard Littauer

All the problems become snow: it is not the drinking or the distance, it is the snow.

It has been falling for months, gets ploughed to the side of the road, envelops the short Christmas days; her long nipples have been sheathed by it, the pond is useless layered with this froth. The snow has hidden the solutions, the consequences, the map.

And in the dark it settles white, blows thin onto the porch where she sat for the sun.

-Ryan Van Winkle

Chestnuts. Interesting word. Last night, I came to this city, Bologna. The pun of the name is in the past, as well, a past of my childhood, Bologna, a past of mid-50’s slang, like this city, all Italian cities, architecture, Mussolini, the fading light of sunsets, the love that can only be appreciated in the past. Like last night, when, after I met Lucas - there’s a story, Lucas, Lucas, I saw him in Firenze, juggling, badly, throwing his balls high in the air, dropping expectations and loose change. Here I greeted him as a friend, though we hadn’t met, and we went to juggleries and busking, meaning he did, to pay for half the dinner, pizza, on the square, on the ground, singing old folk songs, his crazy jean kilt, receding hairline and like, he’s thirty for chrissakes, but we hugged and sang and drank bad beer with his bad French-English, not so bad I guess.

Told me how a Polish girl had given him wine last night, and he went in a restaurant to open it, and it had been shoplifted and they kept it. “Richard, this is great, but I miss women.” Ah - Lucas, a thousand words, and none for Lucas. After wandering we sat to watch Poi, and I saw, I saw two girls, one blonde, who sat near, who understood English, and how I longed to speak, but I stutter, I mumble, I foment, and here I was, fermenting my love, my kind, aging it, just waiting to return it to the store. But Lucas, he leans over, maybe he saw the glances between me and the flax, he leans over, he talks, never drops a beat - amazing. In two minutes, “ when was the last time you kissed a boy” - awkward glances, awkward laughs, but they enjoy it - in three minutes, I sitting on the side, he is massaging the dark one’s feet, touching, she not tickled - Lucas, the bastard. I guffaw, yawp, too loudly on the side lines, try to ask questions, hear their story, anything. They’re from Brighton. Their names? We guess, long guesses. We get one, the tow, Anna, Anna, “My sister”, I proclaim. (And get this, her dad is Richard, now there’s an opportunity for pillow names), and the other, the other - who knows. They’d been working here for a month, a month without - , and been getting jipped by a landlord, what was the word they used, whiffed? And they’d been climbing the slopes of the Apennines, gleaning chestnuts - now we’ve come to it - chestnuts, shaking trees, climbing - where’s the erotic there, I wonder - but ran away - how proud they were of that, they said it twice or so, how I wanted to learn more. But then, in media res, coitus interrupts, or Curtis, or, in this case, Harriet came, Harriet from Edinburgh, and I get up, greet her like an Italian, and say my goodbyes. Lucas announces he is going to Firenze that night - and, horror, the girls, they’re off to Britain again, off tomorrow, off and off. I say goodbye, and go, grab my pack, have a coffee, O but this isn’t important - finish, go back, and see them, but no, they’re leaving, and I ask Lucas, for they leave together, “Lucas, you’re going to Firenze” and he says yes, yes, but who knows if he meant it, I don’t think - but I have chestnuts in my pocket, I got them in the botanical garden, and I’ll sit here in the same square, eat a plum, and juggle them and maybe one day that’ll be something.

- Richard Littauer

Adam Jagger Bramley

Katy Kennedy

Tontine

17.02.09

Dead Boy Denouncing

The poor are looking in your mirrors

In Memory of Alexis

T

You are the new people.

You are the empty palm being torn up in a dwindling division.

You are a thousand half-moons not tending to full-moons.

You are the ones who will make me immortal.

But I like you less— and it hurts and hurls a drilling pain when you ask me to symbolize the sick sun that burned the city down while I am frozen.

When loots of grief become the lightning of fury, someone smashes his synthetic life upon shop windows.

When bits of death-confusion form masses of cold tears, not rolling through my soul’s ditch not mending the moment not shouting out loud like I shouted then— a fifteen year-old scream inside your chest.

Until I silence Destiny’s black mouth, which spits requiems straight on my grave, and sanctify with laurels the shadow of the idealist, mine is the trunk, mine is the resin.

The blood of nature is my blood.

The caterpillar— the colours will make it bloom into a butterfly, and then the wings will flap inside a dusted palm, decolourized.

The crazy man, for whom the mountains wail, sits upon the truth while all the others tread.

I have no road to take behind, ahead or next to me. I have myself and nothing more to reach for.

The brakes of dreams shrill, echo to infinity.

Clouds of dust of children ruining in the yard— what they have been taught is called catastrophe.

I will never make love to you, but I’ll give you the biggest heart and a riotous rock to lift up, and face your future.

- Niki Andrikopoulou

Sara Maclennan

Shallow

”Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world?” her name is Candy she’s quite handy with shots and ecstasy a regular designer-dance-debutante

“Wow, what a dress, scarf and hat!”

I have to have them to party, party, party “No time for work mun!” this summer’s so hot

But no sweaty thighs or magic eyes will stop her in her tracks the Chelsea Hotel FOR SALE? her nose rots in the garden of plenty and time leapfrogs to now…

Depression when they meet again “How long has it been? Where did it go?” since I drank the ocean since you wore rags and beads and talked in Spanish

Meanwhile, plain Jane is getting signatures to stop them cutting out brains of bunnies she can’t sleep for hearing cries of puppies

The sky is bruising nicely now… there’s lead at the end of her rainbow she misses Bob Dylan EBay’d Wilfred Owen to renew her dolphin membership

And she’s still sewing silks for babies bedroom bedspread an eco-traveller with Marrakech mint tea reading about Van Gogh and William Burroughs smelling rain

But, I’m just beginning?

“Don’t you see it?” how deep and blue and never-ending… my feelings are foundations to fly me to the moon

HE POOR are not always with us. It would be awkward if they were. Imagine seeing from your bay window a great silent mass of them gathered in the street outside. How odd of them to come here, you think – and why now? You invite the poor into your house, and they accept the invitation. Or you assume that they accept, since the poor don’t speak your language.

It’s fair to assume that they accepted, because now they’re trooping noisily through the porch, trying to be discreet but breathing heavily. There’s one of the poor, a man who grew up in a slum in Kolkata, hovering nervously by the piano; there’s a girl from Haiti, fingering in solemn wonderment the embroidered roses on your heavy curtains. When it’s time to go to work you feel uneasy about the favela gang you leave snoozing on the upstairs landing, slightly apprehensive about the lonely falafel-seller slumped in the corner of your basement. You wonder if it would be rude to move certain breakable objects from harm’s way...

At work you wonder how to tell your colleagues about the poor. Fretting at your desk you imagine what the poor are all are doing in your house while you’re away.

You picture them sitting in meek rows, trying not to dirty your shining floorboards. The tiny children of the poor are stroking your cat. The poor are looking in your mirrors. You don’t like to think about it but soon you’ll have to go home, and they’ll all be looking at you from their faces, looking at you from their dark faces, their faces.

You’ve been trying to remember names but it’s impossible. What will you do with them all?

- E. Biz

It was snowing It was snowing, and snow was falling.

The snow was falling on the banks and the braes On the heather, on every last sentinel of Scots pine.

The snow was falling, quietly, and in silence.

It was snowing, and the act was transient Snow had fallen, and the snow was falling.

At every moment, the snow was about to fall.

Here a flake, and here a mountain of snow.

It was snowing, and I, in my ignorance, Or in my wisdom, in my thoughts and language Posited that it itself was snowing, In each drift, it was was apparent, and it snowed.

It was snowing, and every moment was frozen Here a silence to match my slowness here a movement to awaken my desire And here, an end. Passive, and perfectly imperfect.

- Richard Littauer

- Dave Lewis

Harriet Brisleyy

Tontine

Week 06 17.02.09

The Backside How to sit on your arse.

Creative writing is one of those things where you can always find something better to do; like sleeping, or watching the latest episode of Skins (hip cultural reference go!). If, however, you’re seriously considering staring vacantly at your computer screen for a couple of hours, here’s a few handy hints to convert that Top Gear repeat on Dave into a few bedraggled paragraphs of prose.

1. The TV is evil.

Think about it this way. You pay approximately £150 per-year for that thirty-odd inch radiation box to suck your brain out through your nose and replace it with a brown squishy mush of celebrity award ceremonies and specious anti-Tesco documentaries.

Find something heavy and throw it at the screen. Hard. I suggest a tin of Stagg Chilli. You can even invite your friends around and make a chillichucking ceremony out of it. You might as well, because you won’t have friends for much longer.

HORSERIDING ORIENTALIST, Sir William Muir (deceased), begins an occasional column of reminiscences from his tenure as Principal of the university.

This week, he offers you the following poem, published in the Student in 1892 by “MSS”, a student of the university.

To My Lady’s Muff FOR long, long hours, in grasp secure and tender My lady’s hand without reproach you press, From callous cold her privileged defender, And dear – how dear a mere man cannot guess!

Warm with the pressure now you stand before me, To place my hand in you is bliss enough, My pulse beats quick, a hot desire breathes o’er me To be my lady’s muff.

Yet doubtless on a change in wind and weather You’re sometimes flung aside and left alone: In fact, on closer thought I wonder whether Your case in some respects is not my own, For I have held her hand (tho’ all a-tremble) And I have been discarded in a huff, -Indeed it’s strange how far I do resemble My lady’s other muff.

2. Get rid of your friends.

Writing is a lonely business, so friends are less useful than a mirror in a tennis racket (unless they’re related to an author or publisher, in which case feel free to lick their feet). Find something they’re sensitive about and joke about it incessantly. Or make a pass at their parents, that’s a sure-fire winner. Don’t worry if you have abandonment issues, you’ll soon be able to buy all the friends you want once you’ve published that 300,000 word teen fantasy novel you’re working on.

Literary Events

3. Disconnect Yourself.

You should be left well alone after you dropkicked your friend’s pets and told your significant other that their sister is the pretty one, but just to make sure, stick your mobile in the washing machine and unplug your Ethernet cable. Time spent Facebooking is time lost watching your word count flounder helplessly like an albatross in a vat of mushy peas.

February 18th:

4. Sit Down.

This one’s pretty self-explanatory, so I’ll spare you any ludicrous similes. Do make sure you park it in front of your computer/ notepad/slate though, there’s no joy to be had from sitting in front of a broken TV. Unless you enjoy watching kidney beans slide down a cracked screen.

Where: Forest Cafe When: Wed. February 18th, 8pm

5. Plug Yourself Back In. Music is good for concentration, in the right circumstances.

If you’re constantly flicking around for your favourite tracks on Media Player, you might as well go back to the kidney beans. Classical music is said to work best, but Stephen King famously listens to AC/DC at eardrum-bursting volume, so you can be flexible as long as you leave the track-listing alone. No rubbish indie crap though. If all you have is indie crap, take your laptop into the kitchen and listen to the hum of the fridge. Frankly, it’s all you deserve.

6. Saw your legs off.

If you want to be a writer, you won’t need legs. ensure that you stay put.

Plus, it will

Should you survive step six, then congratulations!

You are now ready to actually put your fingers to the keyboard. So get typing. Don’t worry if you think it’s awful, it probably is. That’s why it’s called a draft.

A Very Special Golden Hour featuring the Legendary Paper Cinema w/ Kora!

All performances will have a Lost World Theme that will tie together One City / One Book campaign!

FREE & BYOB Readings: David Gow - Prose that makes you lean in and listen, keeping you close to the edge beyond your seat. Launching a new Chapbook.

Kona Macphee - Bloodaxe poet who won the acclaimed Eric Gregory prize and who’s work is sometimes described as “bleak, but never bitter.”

Music: Jed Milroy - Legendary local singer songwriter finally back from the Woods.

Robert Blake - A folkie able to subdue the punk-est crowds armed with only a guitar and a mean set of pipes with insightful, raisea-glass lyrics. On tour from the USA! Performance: Paper Cinema and Kora - A real treat! A cast of h and-drawn marionettes are magically brought to life with a s special “Lost World” theme.

Got a story to tell? features@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Features 15

Surfin' Jamaica, Europe, India..

Katie Revell rides the wave of enthusiasm for kipping on couches, and urges you to dip a toe he idea of a weary traveller T knocking on an unfamiliar door and asking for a bed is hardly a new

one. Recently, though, it’s fallen out of favour. When travel horror-stories abound, it might seem naïve to say the least to put yourself into the hands of strangers through networks like Couchsurfing. Such “hospitality-exchange” networks – allowing people to offer, and use, others’ accommodation for free - are growing in popularity.

But why choose to spend your holidays shacking up with people you’ve never met, when just sitting next to someone in a lecture is too friendly. What's wrong with a hostel? Nothing, a Couchsurfer might answer, but the two just aren’t comparable. Couchsurfing’s “Mission Statement” says that participants “make the world a better place by opening our homes, our hearts, and our lives”. Surprisingly little of the network’s website is directly concerned with helping users find a place to stay.

The “project”, clearly, is a little bigger than that.

Couchsurfing – founded in 2004 - is itself a relative newcomer to the world of hospitality exchange.

Although it now boasts the largest membership of any such network, it was by no means the first. In 1949, Servas Open Doors was established as a post-war attempt to encourage inter cultural understanding and - more ambitiously - “create the basis for World Peace”. It still operates in 125 countries. The first Internet-based network was “Hospex” in 1992; its now-quaint homepage is still viewable, although defunct. However, its successor - Hospitality Club - is now the second largest network, despite also having a painfully retro website.

Then came Couchsurfing. Its birth was shrouded in idealism, hope, and the desire to have a damn good time.

Legend has it that founder Casey Fenton had cheap flights to Iceland, but didn’t want to “rot in a hotel and play Mr. Tourist”. Instead, he spammed 1500 students at the University of Iceland in Reykjavik, asking to stay with them. He received 50 replies. At the end of a “crazy” weekend he decided to turn his experiment into a practical reality, and in 2004 Couchsurfing was launched.

Undoubtedly, Couchsurfing’s success is partly thanks to the way it’s harnessed the Internet. Its website is slick and user-friendly, with the “couchsearch” tool allowing prospective ‘surfers to find potential hosts, and countless groups for questions and discussion. After slow beginnings, the network has expanded - literally - in all directions. There are now over 900,000 members spread across 231 countries.

As well as the obvious locations (there are 11,906 members in Berlin, 17,017 in Paris and 14,346 in London), a look at the “exotic” tab on the website throws up members in Micronesia, Jamaica, the South Pole and, um, Inverness.

My own introduction lived up to all the hype. I’d been working in India, and, with excited trepidation, a friend and I embarked on a round-trip, Couchsurfing at every opportunity.

I should add a disclaimer to temper the romanticism: we were skint. From these somewhat cynical beginnings

came a series of truly heartwarming experiences. Our hosts were both friendly and implausibly generous: so far, so utopian.

But there are, of course, some practical issues. Safety is understandably a major concern . The site does offer some measures to allow hosts and surfers to make informed decisions.

Members can leave references on the profiles of others – positive, negative or indifferent. These can be illuminating, and negative ones are rarely left without good reason. Members can also vouch for people they know and trust: a circular system, whereby only someone who has already been vouched for can do the same for someone else. Finally there’s verification, a somewhat controversial system which allows members to have their address confirmed and “locked”. It’s controversial because this is done by checking your address against your bank details – and you have to pay. Aside from voluntary donations, however, this is the only income the network uses to pay for its considerable bandwidth.

In the end, though, it comes down to common sense. If a person’s profile is incomplete, if they don’t have any photos, or friends – probably best to give them a miss. The unsolicited email is also a no-no. I’ve had my share of “You want to come share my couch?” emails from grinning middle-aged men. And I’ve smiled wearily and deleted them. There’s no obligation to accept requests, and in cases like that, it’s probably safe to assume you won’t be missing any opportunities for personal development.

Despite all this, it’s been while Couchsurfing that I’ve felt safest. With a local chaperone there’s a lot less to go wrong than as a lone, doe-eyed tourist.

My first Couchsurfing host seemed to be an angel descended to rescue us from a nightmarishly grotty hotel. It’s a quick way to restore your faith in humanity.

“

There are now over 900,000 couchsurfers across 231 countries."

Beyond the immediate concern of safety, there’s the sometimes more worrying possibility that you just might not like each other. Even the most comprehensive of profiles is still just that: a brief collection of words and images pretending to approximate an actual human being. I’ve sometimes been surprised at the disparity between the person in my head and the one waiting at the train station.

It’s never been disastrous, but it can be disconcerting. It’s also tempting to tweak your own profile. With so many apparent music-playing, charity-working, snowboarding journalists-cumacrobats out there, it’s easy to feel a bit unremarkable. My advice would be: don’t. By all means, highlight your good points, but downright dishonesty can only lead to some very uncomfortable situations.

Really, the key to being a good guest is simply to be laid-back. Don’t

expect too much, but whatever’s offered, accept it gladly. We bemused (and irritated) our first few hosts with our incessant “thank-yous” and “if you’re sures” and “up to yous”.

Compromise is clearly a necessity, but people wouldn’t host unless they were doing it willingly.

With that in mind, however, it would be unhelpful (and simply wrong) to suggest that Couchsurfing is for everyone. It isn’t. I realised this having dragged a friend along, without considering whether sleeping threeto-a-sofabed with a bunch of hardpartying twenty-somethings was, well, really his thing. Even for aficionados, it can be more tiring than refreshing.

The lack of independence, the fear of offending, the potential for awkward toilet-flush problems and, simply, the need for some space: it can make an anonymous hostel bed, and your own key, seem very attractive.

What Couchsurfing offers over and above that option, though, is invaluable. In places you’d usually only see through a suncream-smeared tourist haze, you’re granted instant access to their grubby, shiny, beating hearts.

Ironically, it was only through Couchsurfing that I really saw the young, urban – and Westernised - India. The bars, boutiques, tiny gated apartments, obligatory scooters – all still essential

“

I've had my share of 'you want to come on my couch?' emails from grinning middleaged men" elements, but contained in a bubble I would otherwise never have entered.

The most memorable things which happened were with Couchsurfers : speeding three-to-a-motorbike through the waking streets of Mumbai, seeing a cobra being thrown off a cliff from a Gujarati housing estate, an impromptu tour of a film studio. So, too, did the most uncomfortable, such as watching the Borat movie with a group of liberal – but not that liberal – young

professionals (I’ve still not seen the ending). In retrospect, though, even that was worthwhile. It’s easy to think you know a place, but it’s only through living with people that you start to see the overlapping worlds-within-worlds.

The rise and rise of Couchsurfing therefore seems inexorable. But could there be threats to its continued success? With its popularity has come what some see as other websites cashing in on the success of the idea.

A recent example is crashpadders. com, which resembles a stripped-back version of Couchsurfing. It has none of the“Community” aspects – just a straightforward search tool. Contentiously, it also allows hosts to charge guests a fee. For some Couchsurfers, it’s a rival, and they’ve responded none too kindly. Others have pointed out that it really represents something different.

At its best, Couchsurfing is not a risky or foolhardy endeavour, but the best way to reaffirm your faith in simple, honest generosity.

Do it.

The Best of The couchsurfing websites WWW.COUCHSURFING.COM

WWW.STAY4FREE.COM

WWW.HOSPITALITYCLUB.ORG

Probably the most popular, and arguably the best.

Claims to be the worlds first international free accomodation website

Another of the early couch surfing sites, who aim to 'increase intercultural understanding and strengthen peace'

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Life & Style

GOING OUT HANAMS, 3 JOHNSTON TERRACE.

The rise of the androgynous John Sannae marvels at cross-gender fashion fads

T

ake a left off the cobbled streets of Edinburgh's Royal Mile and discover Hanam's, a Middle Eastern gem tucked amongst the historic buildings of Old Town. An immediately striking venue, boasting gorgeous interior design, Hanams describes itself as 'the Scottish home of truly authentic Middle Eastern cuisine'.

Upon entry, the deep red walls radiate warmth through the spacious dining area, complemented by intricate wall hangings . The attentive staff swiftly lead you through the throng to a majestically carved wooden table, set at the right distance from other diners to ensure atmosphere, yet allow privacy.

The enthusiastic waiters are keen to offer recommendations, helping novices of Kurdish cuisine navigate the tantalizing menu.

Make sure to book on weekends, as the restaurant tends to be packed with young professionals enjoying a novel evening-out. Children are rare, as the menu does not specifically cater for young eaters unwilling to sample the new.

Starters range from predictable falafel to remarkable rice-stuffed vine leaves. Main courses have the added bonus of being served with both rice and naan, a refreshing change in terms of stomach and pocket, while prices are economical, from seven to eleven pounds. The dishes, are subtly spiced, a far cry from the oily and over-pungent curries served in other Edinburgh venues.

Expect juicy tomato and garlic bases, peppered with delicate extras such as apricots, aubergines and yellow split peas. The lack of cream-based dishes, however, could be a disappointment for some. For afters, Hanam's offers zesty sorbets; sticky, honey drenched pastries, sugar-dusted sweets and even a classic chocolate cake to please the more traditional palate. If dessert doesn't catch your eye, you can always wind down in the heated outdoor terrace with a flavored shisha. According to Jamal, the personable owner, shisha provokes deep thought and intellectual conversation. Whether this be this case or not, the relaxing pipes are a perfect, albeit unusual way to wind down after an extravagant meal.

Disappointingly for some, the alcohol has a no-alcohol policy. So instead of the usual bottle of wine, sample the wide range of alcohol-free beverages. Hanam's offers a tangy root beer, a variety of Lebanese malt, traditional eastern teas, a range of the usual fruit juices and even a Kurdish yoghurt drink. Those who really need their fix can try to kid themselves with the selection of zero-percent wines and beers.

Offering more than just a meal out, Hanam's truly is a welcome find. Not only does it provide a delicious dinner, it also hosts a number of special events.

The monthly charity nights are particularly noteworthy. The 22nd of Feburary sees an evening dedicated to the 2009 Middle Eastern Festival, promising musicians, poetry and Kurdish dancing - customer participation is highly encouraged! So if you crave an individual experience with quality service and exquisite food, head to Hanam's for an evening of sensory indulgence, guaranteed.

Maddie Walder

T

he birth of the metrosexual man is a well-documented phenomenon.

Not so long ago, the idea of a man moisturising or taking straightening irons to his hair seemed absurd at best.

However, fast forward little more than a decade and it is de rigueur for most men to have some kind of preening regime, while male fashion has increasingly veered towards what had traditionally been regarded as feminine, most notably with the unstoppable rise of men’s skinny jeans.

Whether this is just a passing phase or a more permanent shift is yet to be seen, but there seem to be no signs of it stopping just yet: this season has seen plunging necklines and leggings prominently featuring both on designers’ catwalks and the increasingly slender bodies of male fashion-lovers. The ideal of male physique, in fashion at least, seems to be shifting from the traditional muscled he-man to the androgynous skinny teenager. Is the world ready for such a shift? A few years back, David Beckham was derided for wearing a sarong; yet stick-thin hipster kids now win admiration for far more feminine styles.

Perhaps less noted is the accompanying shift in female fashion in recent years: ‘boy-fit pants’ are a staple of many trendy young women’s wardrobes, and oversized lumberjack shirts are everywhere. Men may be straightening and styling their lengthy locks, but shortly-cropped ‘pixie’ (or simply ‘boy’) haircuts are now the height of style,

gracing the heads of women as diverse as Agyness Deyn, Victoria Beckham and Rihanna. And men aren’t alone in slimming to androgynous proportions – the skinny, flat-chested female model is just as ubiquitous.

What exactly do these trends this say about contemporary society and its attitudes towards gender? Tight-fitting jeans and leggings have been popular with women because they can show off their legs and derrières wearing them, and low necklines have given the fair sex opportunity to flaunt their décolletage. Displaying men’s usually chunkier legs and lack of cleavage in these items seems to suggest that either there is more to fashion than simply highlighting the figure, or that men’s bodies are now seen as sexualized to the same extent that women’s long have been. In contrast, baggy shirts and oversized jumpers that swamp women’s figures reverse this traditional sexualisation, and the shortening of hairstyles literally cuts through the fantasy of long lustrous locks that have been the subject of so many lines of poetry and song.

And maybe it isn’t that men are becoming more feminine. Maybe they are just catching up. After all, until a century ago, the idea of women in trousers was shocking, but now that the idea has been embraced to the point that it is so normal we don’t think twice about it.

Are we now seeing the final obstacles being broken down with men and

women finally moving towards a point where what you wear and how you choose to look isn’t restricted by your sex? Could this shift towards androgyny in both fashion and body shape, then, be symbolic of the way the world is changing in its gender attitudes; or is it simply an experimental phase embraced by a few that will be laughed at in twenty years time, like shoulder pads and bad perms? Time to get ahead of the trends: I’m off to buy some lipstick.

The obligatory diet Emma Murray explores the difficulties of being gluten intolerant, no pizza allowed

M

ost of us have tried a diet at some point, whether a hardcore Atkins variety or simply giving away our last Rolo with a nod to healthier living. I personally have never had much willpower when it comes to food. A choice between a compact derrière and rather large slice of chocolate cake would always result in the latter’s victory. Unfortunately for me cake is no longer on the menu, along with pizza, pasta, bread, scones, pancakes, crumpets, pies, biscuits, tarts, quiche, battered fish, the list is endless. This is not a diet of choice but a health related obligation. My name is Emma and I am a Coeliac.

Pronounced 'see-li-ac', this disease is thought to affect around one in hundred people, though only one in eight of these are actually diagnosed.

Friends are happy to find out that it is not contagious, although family are less enthused, as it is genetic. My family members carry the genes which predispose them to becoming Coeliac, but the symptoms can be triggered at any age. I thought that one of my siblings or parents would join me in dietary hell but testing confirmed that I was the sole sufferer in the sevenstrong brood -so far.

So what is the science behind it?

Coeliac disease is an allergic reaction to a gluten protein, often found in wheat, Barley and Rye. When this toxic substance travels down the digestive tract of a Coeliac the villi

lie flat against the lining of the small intestine. For those of you who have forgotten GCSE level biology, the villi are the little waving tentacles which are meant to absorb all the good nutrients.

Turns out these little fellas are pretty important and their wilted state can lead to risk of malnourishment (not good), osteoporosis (bad bones), weight loss (woop) and infertility (eek) amongst other things. As with hay fever, this affliction springs from an over efficient immune system: my body versus…erm…my body.

The immediate question always asked is how did you find out? The answer to this isn’t pretty and likely to make both myself and my acquaintance feel more uncomfortable than my bowels after a late night pizza binge.

The quizzer is often left disappointed after my mumbled answer of ‘you really don’t want to know’. But you really don’t. Following a blood test with a positive result an endoscopy is utilised to procure some of the intestine for a biopsy. This is probably more painful than never entering Pizza Express again; a tube pushed all the way down the throat, through the stomach to the intestine. This happens while consciously trying to control your gag reflex and burping excessively due to the air being pumped into the stomach.

After diagnosis the only treatment is to live a gluten free lifestyle which can be very hard, both at home and when eating out. Long menus are cut

If you were a Coeliac, you couldn't eat this delicious wheat down by two thirds, Italian restaurants are out of bounds and waiters are sent back and forth from the kitchen enquiring after the gluten content each particular dish. In short it’s a hassle.

Thankfully, restaurants and supermarkets are starting to take notice and catering for the gluten intolerant amongst us. Most of the big supermarkets stock a ‘free from’ range, with Asda currently leading the way. Restaurants too are beginning to indicate which dishes a Coeliac can stomach, some

even catering to our needs: Mammas Pizza in the Grassmarket and Bruntsfield offer a gluten free base, thank the lord!

And thankfully, my flatmates, friends and family have proved very supportive – making many Coeliac-friendly meals and administering disapproving looks if I ever suggest heading down to Pizza Hut. I didn’t think I had the willpower to stick to a diet and it has proved very difficult, but my mind seems to have finally beaten my stomach. Most of the time!

FLICKR.COM/BERN@T

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lifestyle@studentnewspaper.org

Addicted to the box? Email: tv@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 17

TV

It's a Mad Men's world

Gregor Cubie tries to decipher BBC4's subtle new drama set in the exploitative sixties

W

hen I heard about the return of the critically acclaimed US drama Mad Men, I imagined it would be little more than a bit of light midweek entertainment - a kind of Desperate Housewives in fancy dress.

However, even from the opening scenes it becomes clear that this show goes far deeper than bored pretty people cheating on their spouses (although this does happens at least once a week); it is in fact a serious social commentary on the attitudes of Americans in the fifties and sixties, dealing with the issues of sexism, health problems, adultery and racial discrimination.

The show centres around the Sterling Cooper advertising agency, more specifically on Don Draper, the creative director. Draper is the personification of changing American attitudes at the time; in the first series he was entirely comfortable in his role as misogynist scoundrel; drinking, smoking and cheating on his wife. In the new series he seems to be evolving along with the times, having his health checked in the first scene, before berating a man in an elevator for disrespecting a female colleague.

The issue of respect for women is the most important theme in the opening episode of the new series, in which Peggy Olsen, the ambitious new

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY: Does Mad Men's serious side make for dull viewing? girl struggles to get herself noticed in a workplace full of men. Mad Men is not an action packed show, the key moments are all implicit in what someone

Talent-Free Agents?

says, or even in a facial expression. At times it seems that the story line is almost incidental to the themes the show centres around. The growing

Jennifer Blyth is unimpressed by Channel 4's latest sitcom

TAXI!: Should Channel 4 call a cab for its disappointing new sitcom?

F

inally. A will-they-won't-they series that talks directly to the broken people of the Noughties.

Recently divorced and father-of-two Alex (Green Wing's Stephen Mangan) sleeps with Helen (Sharon Horgan, Pulling), a cynical co-worker who can't get over the death of her fiancé. Alex wants Helen. Unfortunately, she isn't as easy to woo into a relationship as she is to woo into bed.

Naturally, any girl is crazy for refusing to dash off with curly-haired Mangan. Who could forget Dr Guy Secretan's smooth, suave and slightly misogynistic technique? Alex, however, is a bit of a drip, and sobs in bed postcoital about not seeing his children.

The writing is tinged with the same darkness as last year's excellent Mangan sitcom Never Better, which ended, due to a lack of promotion, not with a whimper but complete silence.

The publicity for Free Agents has been markedly different: C4 put a lot of faith into this production and Mangan has been wheeled onto every talk show in Broadcast-Land. Perhaps it is a case of simply expecting too much, then, that it's not all that funny.

It has its moments. The acting is believable, and the two leads have strong chemistry. Anthony Head has a ball playing their boss, whose car-crash crude lexicon appears to have been inspired by school-based comedy The

role of women is conveyed through the dialogue, in which women such as Draper’s wife Betty, who spent the whole first series being quietly subservient,

gradually become more confident and drop subtle hints that they are more intelligent than they let on. This is just one example of how clever the show is, carefully paying attention to period detail in order that women are portrayed accurately according to the restrictions of their time. Almost exactly as they are in the literature of the period, appearing strikingly similar to the women in books by Aldous Huxley and Albert Camus.

Other than the various sneaky thematic references, Don Draper and his wife have dinner and Peggy learns a valuable lesson about the dog-eatdog world of advertising. Clearly Mad Men is not thrill a minute suspenseful drama, it is a programme made by clever people, aimed at other clever people, which even, (modesty aside) an intelligent chap such as myself struggled to decipher at points.

If you feel that watching television should be more intellectually stimulating, Mad Men is a sharp, incisive drama that documents the social and political attitudes of a pivotal decade. Mad Men deserves its acclaim and highbrow status as the number one underrated drama on the box, but personally I’m going to stick to watching fat people fall over, it’s just easier that way.

Too many cooks

Susan Robinson has sickened of Masterchef

PANNED: You know the steaks are high when they get the utensils out Inbetweeners ("bashing some gash").

The talent-spotting workplace is set in a glossy office in London, so swearing is trendy and frequent. Time will tell if the writers are over-compensating with their knob-gags because of a lack of material, but with the producers of Black Books and Spaced on-board, hopefully this isn't the case.

It's sharp, it's bitter, and there's a thematic depth regarding appearance versus reality which will probably come to the fore later on in the series.

However, with humour so black it may only be invisible after binging on all of Helen's wine, is it really a comedy or just another thirty-something saga?

just had a realisation. Masterchef ITh'veGoes Large is the same every week. ere are ingredients, the contestants cook these ingredients and the results are savoured or regurgitated in the form of pithy comments by chef John Torode and glorified fruit-and-veg man Greg Wallace.

What triggered this near epiphany?

This week they have brought back hopefuls from previous shows, giving them another stab at culinary superstardom (or rather the chance to be hot, sweaty and shouted-at in a Michelin starred kitchen).

This means that some of the contestants can actually cook. This is bad. It no longer fulfils the completely human, natural and entirely justifiable need to see people do

things really badly.

I don't want to watch Mr Smug perfectly sear scallops, wrap them in bacon specially cured by an obscure order of monks from the fringes of the Hebrides and douse them in a 'jus' of newborn lamb's blood and honey. Only to be deified by Wallace and Torode for creating a 'stonking dish' of 'rich, rustic flavours'.

I would much rather see Danielle, 42, Accounts manager from Hull weep into her apron after being berated for her bog-standard brulée and lacklustre lambshank. We all know that the best TV is served with a steaming side dish of trampled ambition and overcooked mangetout.

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

18

culture@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture

FILM VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA

DIRECTED BY WOODY ALLEN

 icky Cristina Barcelona charts the V physical and spiritual journey made by two young American wom-

en on a long summer vacation in Barcelona, where a chance encounter with the eccentric, bed-eyed artist Juan Antonio ( Javier Bardem), and his beautiful but crazy ex-wife Maria Elana (Penelope Cruz) provokes an entanglement of passion, lust, and deceit. Vicky (Rebecca Hall), who is set to be wed to her straight-laced fiancé, is conservative in her attitudes to love, advocating the ideals of commitment and fidelity as providing the foundations of a fulfilled and happy life. At the opposite end of the spectrum lies Cristina (Scarlett Johansson), a sexually adventurous free spirit who is grappling with ideas of self-expression through art and bohemian romance. Juan Antonio and Maria Elana provide a crux for both girls to explore the dissolution of their previously held convictions.

So far, so predictable. The character synopsis and plot is hardly going against the grain, or providing anything other than a cast of stereotypical "fresh-from-college" Americans and fiery Spaniards. However, it is

Cruz's role as Maria Elana, arguably her best performance to date, who steals the show. Cruz injects the hot-headed character with relentless intensity and fire, and shocks the

film into life.

Maria Elana is an intense character (she tries to stab her husband) who required an impressive operation to do her erratic NOTORIOUS

DIRECTED BY GEORGE TILLMAN JR.

 otorious, for those of you who N aren't up to speed, is the story of the rise of Cchristopher Wallace, the

PINK PANTHER 2

DIRECTED BY KEN KWAPIS

 teve Martin is an odd, odd man.

S Over a quarter of a century ago the man struck comedic gold with The Jerk

and The Man With Two Brains. In both these films he crafted a subtle comic persona that allowed him the light luxury of slapstick whilst also allowing him to indulge in a little verbal punlancing. Since then...he has arguably achieved nothing.

Oh Steve! what happened? Why do you throw these hideously disfigured lumps of dross at us in the hope that we'll gobble them up?

It is needless to say that such questions will never be answered, especially by the famously reticent man himself, so for the moment we shall just have to deconstruct this latest mess and analyse its mutant interior (insofar as any part of this monster can stand up to scrutiny).

What jars instantly (as can be ascertained from the beginning of this article) is Martin himself. In Clouseau he has taken what Peter Sellers made great, snapped its neck, mutilated the remains and then attempted to flog

it. Clouseau was always a buffoon, but never such a knowing buffoon; in Martin's performance we have a self-assured Clouseau that jars the senses, a Clouseau that Martin has clearly crafted for children on the back of his success in the less than fantastic Cheaper By the Dozen trilogy.

Martin himself is clearly not the only thing wrong with the picture however. There is also the problem of the supporting cast, namely Jean Reno and John Cleese. Now although many of you may consider it treason to attack the comedic pedigree of Cleese, within the context of this movie to do such is easily justifiable. Cleese summarises twenty years of lucklustre performances in underwhelming films with this child of a mongrel monstrosity that proclaims itself to be a blockbuster. Such is also the case with Reno: fond memories of Leon are washed away in a bitter tide as the master assassin is damned into being the sidekick of a buffoon.

The Pink Panther 2 fails on almost too many levels to criticise: the acting, writing, directing; all are well below par. Once again, the previous brilliance of Martin is marred by a film that welcomes ridicule and shames all involved in its production.

Sean Cameron

man who turned so effortlessly into the Notrious B.I.G. The rap-legend biopic has been attempted before. 50 Cent tried it, Eminem tried it. But both found that the public didn't take too easily to watching the lives of those great American rap stars shortened into a to comfortable 2 hour slot - though both attempts earned said artists enough dollars to win themselves the royalties to retire happy before they turned 30.

Notorious is no different (aside from the whole 'retiring' aspect obviously).

behaviour justice, a challenge approached with fervour by Cruz, who brought a much needed spark to the dynamics between the other cast members. This spark climaxes A drug-filled youth and fame-filled adulthood should make at least a for mildly distracting film, but Notorious just can't provide the goods.

First-time actor Jemal Wooloard takes on the role of Christopher 'Biggie' Wallace, with (wait for it) 'big' shoes to fill, and does a fairly reasonable job. He even put on three and a half stone to play the role, towering over his fellow cast members, including Derek Luke, long absent from the screen.

Both performances are average however, and waiting for a "show me the money" scene is little reason to really watch the two of them. In Notorious, Luke plays Sean 'Puffy' Combs, Biggie's manager and agent.

In a rare show of humour in the film, the nail is hit firmly on the head when the far-from-prudent question is asked "What kind of grown man calls himself Puffy"

in the form of the well-publicized kiss shared by Cruz and Johansson in a photographic darkroom, which was brilliantly choreographed and sufficiently steamy to set many pulses racing.

The result is a film which cranks up the heat a fair few notches, and should boast a tagline which conjectures life as a blank canvass to be artistically defined by the colours that we choose to paint it.

Creative sexuality and sensuality is a major theme, which is reflected by the amorous surroundings of beautiful sculptures, sonorous Spanish guitar, vinyards and dreamy red-brick villas. However, an anticlimactic ending detracts from the film, and cause the audience to question the point of these romantic meditations if the results are so apparently insignificant. Instead of provoking this reaction, the abrupt ending should reinforce the idea that the events which unfold are more indicative of a fantasy than a realistic representation of life as it actually is.

Thankfully, this film is a massive return to form for Woody Allen, and much more triumphant than his thankfully short-lived 'British' projects. The entire set-up of Vicky Cristina Barcelona is set to induce a dream like word which makes it a form of superior escapism for anyone suffering from a lacklustre February.

Kim McLaughlan The question is posited by Biggie's' mother, played by Angela Bassett, who gives one of the best performances of the film and brings a certain realism to the cast's interactions as a whole.

However, her character is an inevitable mish-mash of characters from every film mentioned at the beginning of this reciew, and one minor triumph can't push a film to success.

The world 'almost' pervades Notorious like a mantra. None of the performances quite hit the spot.

One of the only credible aspects which I (as a non rap/hiphop lover) took from the film is a new sense of admiration for the genuine rhythmic skill of the Notorious B.I.G, leaving the cinema inspired to go home and attempt to turn "My old man's a dustman, he wears a dustman's hat" into a platinum-seller.

Lance 'inyourfacemartin' Jordan

Another stalemate in gangsta rock, paper, scissors. Note background thermostat, permanently set to 'cool'.

Love your popcorn? film@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 19 Friday the 13th

McConaughey's Hollywood Rodeo

Directed by Marcus Nispel

 een killer Jason Voorhees slashes T again in this utterly pointless rehashing of the 80s indie horror,

produced by the American patriot par excellence, Michael Bay. Unlike the title suggests, Friday the 13th is not a remake of the low-budget scream of the same name, which starred a young and dashing Kevin Bacon and was borne of a desire to rip off the masses who had loved John Carpenter's surprise hit Halloween (1978). The new Friday the 13th, directed by former music video maker Marcus Nispel, squeezes the sometimes-bearable first three films of the franchise into one sanitised package with added boobs, pot and tortureporn to get the 21st century audience hooked.

The problem is simple: you just don't feel like cheering for Jason to put these simple minds out of their misery, the key to the original franchise's success. The film is just neither worth the audience's time nor their effort.

In Friday the 13th (1980) a group of councillors from Camp Crystal Lake are murdered by a former camp cook Pamela Voorhees (Betsy Palmer), an act of revenge on behalf of her disabled son Jason, drowned at the resort years previously. His supposed guardians had allegedly neglected their watch duty to sneak out and have sex, a cruel and immoral act for which Mrs. Voorhees pays them back with interest.

By the end of the film, Voorhees is

decapitated by the sole survivor of her bloody melee, Alice, who is then visited

by Jason in the 'beyond-the-grave' manner of Brian DePalma's brilliant Carrie (1976).

A famous example of 'retconning'retroactive continuity, where history is changed to fit the new plot- Jason returns unharmed in Part II to get revenge for his mother (a vicious cycle!) but again there are survivors. Part III sees Jason substituting the bag which had previously veiled his malformed face with a hockey mask, stolen from one of his victims, thus transforming into Jason Voorhees, the pop icon.

In Friday the 13th (2009) the story

begins at the conclusion of the original film-the death of Mrs. Voorhees. Six weeks afterwards, a group of Hollywood twentysomethings camp in Crystal Lake, soon joined by a search party looking for the previous gang.

The youth engage in weed and sex before they get hacked to pieces by ol' bag head. Here, Jason represents a wide range of Christian values from mother-son devotion to abstaining from illicit sex and substance use.

Judgment is delivered with machetes, bows, axes and screwdrivers.

A new generation of credulous filmgoers might be tempted to see Friday the 13th to get to know the slasher

phenomenon behind it without the embarrassing 80s fashion and dialogue.

Only the outcome is so much less since the rough edges were precisely what made Friday movies so entertaining.

Remember the stumbling shooting or the shocks and laughs that seemed accidental?

Friday the 13th recites teen-slasher film clichés from Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) to Scream (1996) with one aim in mind: make Michael Bay rich.

In the undying words of cheese-horror master Bruce Campbell: 'Don't pay for it!'

Jutta Sarhimaa

Film: the greatest sexual lubricant of them all!

Love guru Craig Kerr McIntyre gives you his top picks in erotic cinema!

n the 14th of February every O year we're urged to express our feelings for our beloved, to shower

that special someone with a myriad of red-themed gifts and expensive chocolate delights. But now, in lieu of our most treasured and sacred of holidays, we're inevitably going to find ourselves surrounded by hundreds of slightly wilted roses (£5 a bunch from Tesco), a multitude of dubious attempts at Shakespearean love sonnets written on the back of napkins, and bitter singletons waking up wearing suspicious tatters of nothing but green clothing. But what has this debauchery got to do with the sanctity of the film section?

Well, there's been enough said about romantic films, but we've had enough of that. Post-Valentine's is no time for Love Actually and a bouquet of roses.

You're 'just friends', but you want something more. You can tell that something's there, but aren't quite sure how to move things forward? You're in each other's arms on the sofa, with respective glasses of wine/tequila at 9pm/3am and then they ask 'What do you wanna watch?' What do you watch

to ensure the night ends in glorious sweaty passion?

In a time when sex sells, there are thousands of films set on portraying various imaginative types of sexual activity. This ranges from Quentin Tarantino's tongue-in-cheek (certainly an 'imaginative type' of said 'activity' but I'm not a fan...) Jackie Brown, where we see an aging Robert De Niro enjoying 16 mindblowing seconds with Bridget Fonda, to Dennis Hopper's rendering of a psychopathic, perverted cripple in David Lynch's notoriously dark Blue Velvet. They're both fantastic films, but should you watch these with the guy/girl of your dreams? Resolutely, no. Jackie Brown is more likely to persuade them into growing an afro and sporting a shooter, whereas Blue Velvet will have your potential ladylumps either running for the door or calling the police.

The none-so-beautiful Eva Green, Michael Pitt and Louis Garrel star in Bernardo Bertolucci's The Dreamers, a not-one-to-watch-with-your-parents picture that explores the sexual deviancy of two French siblings who meet an American student and draw him into their niche world of erotic and intel-

lectual freedom. This is a film for the adventurous (read: incestuous), exploring the limits of socially accepted sexuality in a powerful and involving way.

To step things up a notch (blimey!), 9 Songs is Michael Winterbottom's intensely erotic snapshot of a European couple, interlacing indie music and brutally realistic sex (perhaps this has something to do with the fact that it IS real). This film simply tells the story of a couple as they live their passion-filled, music adoring lives together. Appearing at first to be loosely veiled porn, this turns out to be a refreshingly honest portrayal of sex. Not recommended for the faint of heart though.

Nicolas Roeg's 1973 film Don't Look Now may seem a little out of place here, as it's not famous for its passion, but for the freakiest final scene ever to appear in film. Seriously, that's gonna stick in your head for days and you'll certainly never look at a red raincoat in the same way again. This apart though, this film sports one of the best shot, edited and directed sex scenes in film. Nothing about this scene is sleazy (excepting Donald Sutherland's 'ello 'ello 'tache), and instead we get a fantastic represen-

tation of the rekindling of old love and a passionate portrayal of two ordinary, broken people finding again the love, and the lust, that they once held for each other. The sex is interlaced with brief clips of the couple dressing, taking the attention away from the physical sex, and focusing more on the emotions involved. If you don't get your proverbial groove on after watching this emotional and sexual masterpiece, then forget it: they're chaste. Or still thinking about that final scene. Either way, forget it.

Other films that are definitely worth watching include the weepy The Notebook (perhaps if you just feel up for a cuddle... as if...), Keira Knightley and James McAvoy's Atonement (sex in the library is definitely appealing...I recommend the Russian histories section on the fourth floor, although the stairs might knacker you out before you even get to it) and Roberto Benigni's incredible La Vita è Bella, although if you watch more than the first quarter (with beautiful women falling out of the sky onto charming men) your evening's going to end in uncontrollable tears rather than unrestrained passion.

Happy Valentine's Day filmgoers!

I am Matthew McConaughey, the way and the light. Hold up, now, it's hard for me to type with my shirt on. Much better. I'll tell you what: The Student's office is hotter than a July in Kilgore, Texas, where I'm from.

Now first things first, I want to tell you about my new film The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. It's a twist on Charlie Dickens' A Christmas Carol where I play a bit of a ladies man who gets visited by three ghosts who help me realise the error of my ways. Made it with Jennifer Garner, lovely girl. Affleck - you the bomb, man. It's also got Michael Douglas, of One Night at McCool's fame, and a slew of fine looking ladies. Ahh, enough about me, Matthew McConaughey.

I'll tell you what I like: Superbad.

Man, those kids are great. Jonah Hill, the fat one, he's going to be in this great little movie with Jason Schwartzman called The Adventurer's Handbook. The film follows two pals on a journey around the world, retracing the steps of famous explorers. The director, Akiva Shaffer, comes from one of my favourite films, Hot Rod. All I can say is hot DANG! Now, speaking of historical figures and explorers and the like, Disney is making a film out of my favourite book, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. McG is directing, you know, the fella who did Charlie's Angels and executive-produced The OC. Great stuff. I heard he approached Will Smith, nice fella, about starring as Captain Nemo. I reckon this'll just tickle me pink, tell you what.

For the record, I just wanted to say something about my pal Joaquin Phoenix. Now these days he's looking like one of those fellas from ZZ Top, the awesome rock band from Houston, Texas, what with the beard and sunglasses.

Lots of people think he's gone wilder than a Texas Longhorn at a rodeo, but I heard tell that he's putting it all on for a documentary Casey Affleck is making about his rap career. What a joker! Hey, if it is for real, that's alright. Live and let live.

Speaking of which, did you know I have my own reggae record label? It's true. It's called Just Keep Livin' Records and I'm releasing our first album this Tuesday. It's by a Jamaican fella named Mishka, who I discovered on a trip to Jamaica a couple years back. Oasis's former manager Alan McGee discovered him a while back and now we're just spreading the good vibes. Maybe I can get ol' Joaquin on my label, too. Loves me some hip-hop.

I'm not trying to kill your buzz, so I'll let you go on a high note.

You can catch a bootlegged trailer for the new Transformers movie on the old internet. It's a real treat.

I'll tell you what, that Megan Fox is hotter than the barbeque sauce we cook up down in Kilgore, Texas, where I'm from. Boy howdy!

Matthew McConaughey

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

20

music@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture

MUSIC

RA RA RIOT King Tut's THURSDAY 12TH FEBRUARY



N

ew York is once again the centre of the universe when it comes to intelligent indie pop bands. This would be true without, no, despite the existence of MGMT and Vampire Weekend. Along with Crystal Stilts, The Pains of Being Pure At Heart and the return of Animal Collective, amongst others, Ra Ra Riot are showing London and the UK music scene in general just how little it has to offer at the moment.

Proof of this comes in tonight’s support, The Answering Machine, who churn out immensely generic bouncy guitar pop bringing absolutely nothing new to the table.

This only makes Ra Ra Riot’s set all the more special, and infinitely more interesting to watch, as a string section of violin and cello battles it out with the traditional guitar, bass and drums combo.

Bassist Mathieu Santos whirls round the stage, interacting with each band member in turn, while cellist Alexandra Lawn treats her instrument like a dancing partner.

RA RA RIOT

Album of the Week THE PAINS OF BEING PURE AT HEART The Pains of Being Pure at Heart SLUMBERLAND

 s it possible Imusic to re-visit the of your

youth; to produce great music of your own that is clearly indebted to the bands you’ve grown up with and loved? This is exactly the predicament which New York-based The Pains of Being Pure at Heart find themselves in. Looking at the song-titles alone, The Pains place themselves self-consciously somewhere between The Modern Lovers and Television. Even the artwork seems indebted to another band’s work, namely Belle & Sebastian’s.

Listening to ‘Young Adult Friction’ and ‘A Teenager In Love’ only confirm any presumed suspicion that they are aficionados of great rock LPs. Both tracks take those two beloved subjects of indie pop, love and youth, and effectively aim to re-write the history books.

Let’s not downplay this record, because its aims are high: it combines Johnny Marr guitar fills, the kind of fuzzy distortion that My Bloody Valentine and The Jesus and Mary Chain have become famous for, and pop hooks galore.

The Pains have taken some of the best elements of some of the best noise pop bands of the 1980s—and you know what? They nail everything in its right place. Their mantra would be “look backwards

They look like they’re having fun, which always makes a band ten times better live before they’ve even started.

Last year’s debut, The Rhumb Line was full of subtle gems that made Ra Ra Riot seem worlds away from the brashness of their higher profile compatriots. Those gems are in evidence tonight, but with a new vigour and sense of fun that can only be achieved by a band who completely love what they’re doing.

They play pretty much everything from The Rhumb Line, and play it all with boundless energy that transforms the melancholy quality of some of the tunes into something more akin to a party atmosphere.

It’s a joy to watch, and only strengthens the hope that Ra Ra Riot will be given an opportunity to scale the heights of the more successful, but musically lesser New York bands before them.

Finishing with the epic ‘Dying Is Fine’, it leaves us wondering how the UK is going to reply to such a wealth of exciting new music coming from across the pond. If tonight is anything to go by, it’s have a formidable task on its hands.

THE PAINS OF BEING STUCK IN THE WOODS: They don't exactly look like nature-lovers, do they? to look forwards,” and as safe and unpredictable as that may sound, it works. From the girl-boy vocals, to the face-melting guitars, everything here has been done before—but if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

From the opener, ‘The Contender’, their eponymous debut is a complete headrush of an album; the guitars are punishingly loud and pushed right to the front of the mix, with Kip Berman’s voice—recalling the Field Mices’ Robert Wratten—slightly detached, and often hard to decipher. But, everything is relative: Kevin Shields’s vocals are as clear as mud by comparison.

‘Come Saturday’ is about a long distance relationship—and how the

excitement of seeing a girlfriend leaves Berman not giving a fuck about anything other than staying in with her—while ‘This Love Is Fucking Right!” darkens the romance by focusing on a “sweet sister”. ‘Young Adult Fiction’, possibly one of the greatest songs ever written about getting laid in a public library—okay, they’re aren’t many—is a particular stand-out, both lyrically and musically, with its playful rhymes (“I never thought I would come of age/Let alone on a moldy page”) and knockout guitar riffs, perfectly balanced by some acoustic strumming.

The cynics will say this record consists of 11 re-interpretations of

‘April Skies’, but they are clearly grade A wankers for thinking so.

Because for everyone who has grown up with My Bloody Valentine et al, this is a pure joy (pun not intended); a blissful guiltless pleasure.

‘Stay Alive’ combines some sweetsounding chords played on acoustic guitar with soaring, thick choruses; ‘Everything With You’ sounds like The Smiths doing shoegaze with stunning melodies and a killer guitar solo. It’s a very hard album to fault: only the relentless pace could be criticised for concealing some of the subtlety and lyrical flair that’s on offer here.

Jonny Stockford

ASPEN GROVE Dancin' Alone Again (EP) INDISPEX RECORDS

 few years A ago, Apsen Grove’s earnest,

spirited take on indie-rock could have been fresh.

Now, however, in a market oversaturated with identikit indie bands, they struggle to command your attention even for the duration of a 4-track EP. It’s not that ‘Dancin’ Alone Again,’ is bad, or even particularly mediocre: rich melodies and harmonies on ‘Not Wasted on the Young’ give way to energetic guitar-led ‘Tear Dried T-Shirts’ and slower closing track ‘Walls’ is full of authentic emotion.

Only ‘Today,’ which sounds a little too much like The Automatic, is a let down – for an EP, ‘Dancin’ Alone Again’ impressively covers all indie bases.

The problem is that Aspen Grove seem content to do just that, and don’t bring anything new to a genre that is already sinking under the weight of similar material.

Andy Chadwick

OKAY, OKAY... WHO FARTED?

John Sannae

Don't go anywhere without your iPod? music@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 21

Selling out and heading West “E

veryone is really hung over,” the band’s tour manager warned me as he ushered me through Glasgow’s Oran Mor venue to meet Sam Potter and Ross Dawson, the two members of Late Of The Pier I would be chatting with that evening.

Surprisingly, sprawled across sofas in the lavish dressing room, glasses of red wine in hand, the guys didn’t actually look too shabby. As Dawson passed me a beer, Potter entertained me with stories of the previous night’s antics, when they’d partied with Erol Alkan and ended up slightly worse for wear.

Suitably regaled, the interview began, and I tried to tease out some idea of how the band saw themselves and their music, and whether they were happy to be compared with anyone else on the music scene.

Deadpan, Potter informed me that, “I’d like someone to describe us as ‘just something really vague.’” Dawson’ s favourite description was even more elusive as he tossed ‘odd sock pop rock’ - description courtesy of Patrick of Neon Plastix fame – into the equation.

Several sarcastic offerings later, Potter acquiesced. “I think basically we’re only here to kind of confuse journalists. When you try and describe our music, you get one side, then there’s always something else missing.” That’s also why being compared to a handful of artists like Roxy Music or David Bowie or Gary Numan was kind of cool, they decided, but it was also misleading. Dawson and Potter concluded that basically they try to make music that is experimental, and not obvious.

Fair enough.

LOTP started their commercial career small time, limiting the numbers of the first singles they released to around 500 copies each. That way, “you have a kind of trophy almost of like, your appreciation of a band. Not like

those shitty MP3s.” They were also one of the last few bands to be given an old-school record deal, where cash is paid to artists up front and their label hope anxiously that they’ll deliver. So how do they feel about that?

Surprised, firstly. ‘Was it really one of the last of those kind of deals? Yeah?

Oh right. Well, a few people tried to get us to sign a, what’s it called, a partnership deal, but we said no. I guess we kind of got noticed exactly at the right time, right on the cusp of things changing, record companies realising it wasn’t a very successful money making venture. In retrospect we basically just needed money to put petrol in our car to go to gigs and stuff, that’s why we signed. We didn’t do a mega deal or anything though, we weren’t gonna be Coldplay!’ It seemed that Potter and Dawson had different perspectives regarding their signing, though, and the first of several minor fracases occurred over that point.

Dawson: ‘We did put the record out ourselves too, it wasn’t about the money.’

Potter: ‘What, signing a record deal? It’s all about the money!

Although I suppose it’s more like a platform to speak from, they raise you to a level where more people will hear you.’

Dawson: ‘But it’s still the same honest music.’

Potter: ‘Yeah. The MD just really liked us...’

Dawson: ‘…and said do whatever you like. So basically it’s like being at a small label, but with loads of money, and power.’

Potter: ‘That’s not what we’re about though, money and power!’

Dawson: (sarcastically): ‘Oh it is, it is.’

Potter: ‘Well it’s going to be quite short term, if that’s what you’re into.’

VIDEOOF

THEWEEK LA ROUX In For The Kill

he new single from the noneT more-80s La Roux is everything it should be. The polished decadence

of the sleek black car hurtling through the mist on some mysterious mission, Ms Roux at the wheel in black leather gloves, belting out 'oooooohs' whilst the metallic wheel trims gleam, with

nothing but the white lines of the road ahead. It seems she's nicked a trick from Kavinsky here, who nicked it from Knight Rider, which is perfectly fine, desirable even, when its executed with such panache. La Roux is one cool customer, and further evidence that 2009 is the new 1982.

RECOMENDED TRACKS Things we've been listening to this week, both old and new ANATHALLO - THE RIVER (CANOPY GLOW) Beautiful cut from the Chicagobased indie band. Great girl-boy vocals.

M83 - GRAVEYARD GIRL (SATURDAYS = YOUTH) We've been listening to this for ages, and it still hasn't lost its shine. Sounding like it should have soundtracked Twin Peaks, this ethereal wonder is a highlight from one of 2008's very best records.

SALLY SHAPIRO - I KNOW (DISCO ROMANCE) We could have picked pretty much any track from Disco Romance, which is the greatest album of the 00's that nobody knows about. This stunning slice of italo-disco style pop is fit.

MAGNETIC FIELDS - ALL MY LITTLE WORDS (69 LOVE SONGS)

LOTP: One small lunge for Sam, one giant leap for space-pop.

Sensing another spat potentially occurring, I steered the interview on.

Were there any plans to play festivals this summer, I wondered? There’s talk of playing a handful of smaller, more exotic festivals, such as Sonar in Barcelona and one in the Arctic Circle which can only be reached by boat, apparently. Really though, Potter was looking forward to a return to the simple life; ‘We want to live the life like we used to before we were signed,’ he told me, ‘have no schedule and just kind of drive around in cars, go into fields, sleep under the stars, and just make music, from like a really good place, like where we are as people. We don’t want to play the same old stuff.

We want to get excited.’

One thing to get excited about is the upcoming tour of America, which is going to begin in about three weeks.

Their album was released there, rather tardily, in January of this year, partly because they believed Americans just wouldn’t get them. That was another point of contention between the boys, with Potter blaming this on a lack of ‘interesting, beautiful’ Americans, and Dawson pointing out that the guys had never been there, so really were in no place to comment. In Potter’s defence though, he’s been to Florida to visit relatives enough times to make at least some observation. Time to move the interview onwards again, I felt.

Were there any other countries they were doing pretty well in? ‘Mexico.

Although we’ve never been there. It seems so vibrant though. Quite unique and strange. We’ve just got clichés about Mexicans in our head!’ Time to make like caricatures and grow elaborate moustaches to fit in then? If they could they would, Dawson assured me. True enough, as I took note of his ginger hair and baby face, I realised indeed that that dream may not be so

viable…

As long as their tour of the USA was more akin to supporting Soulwax and Justice than the Kaiser Chiefs (‘that was disgusting. We played 2-3,000 capacity venues, to loads of mums and dads and football louts’), things were going to be OK. The adulation the guys felt for Soulwax was pretty intense. ‘We just look up to them so much, bands like that, that can be so unique and make it work,’ Dawson declared, followed by Potter’s admission that, ‘they’re just so fucking good. So accomplished at what they do. So on the button, it’s really admirable. It really blows your mind when you think people are listening to really poppy, rubbish radio bands, when bands like Soulwax are out there.

They have this thing where they’ll just have a massive scene change in what they do. And they have loads of side projects. They remix their own stuff, they DJ, they have Radio Soulwax.

They bring amazing parties.’ Have Soulwax remixed any of LOTP’s songs? ‘We wish! They’re just too busy at the end of the day. They probably would. They wanted to do Bathroom Gurgle…they said they would…I’m sure it will happen one day.’

If Soulwax intend to remix the song in 2009, that’s certainly not confirmed. Are there any concrete plans the band can tell me about this year? Not at all, is the answer, the whole point of this year is that there is no plan. I guess the best we can do is wish them well on their hedonistic year ahead, in that case. But hop on a boat to an unspecified destination in the Arctic Circle to catch them this summer, if you’re free, or keep your ears open for that promised Soulwax remix.

Tallulah Lines

Is there anyone out there that still makes mixtapes for their girlfriend/boyfriend? Put this on, and you're guaranteed a shag.

TOM WAITS - SHORE LEAVE (SWORDFISHTROMBONES) Waits in filth mode: always good.

CHROMATICS - RUNNING UP THAT HILL (NIGHT DRIVE) It may have been covered hundreds of times, but this version of Kate Bush's finest moment is a perfect piece of stripped down disco.

CAT POWER - GOOD WOMAN (YOU ARE FREE) Chan Marshall at her best: raw, vulnerable and low key.

DARTZ! - NETWORK! NETWORK! NETWORK! (THIS IS MY SHIP) We still love Dartz! more than we love our own mothers, and this is still fucking amazing. Like all the pop-punk from your youth if it were clever and British and not about break-ups.

THE MAE SHI - R U PROFESSIONAL (SINGLE) The Mae Shi were unbelievably quick off the mark in putting together this hilarious electro tune that says everything that needs to be said about Christian Bale, and THAT rant.

DEUS - INSTANT STREET (THE IDEAL CRASH) Belgium's best band, innit.

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

culture@studentnewspaper.org

22 Magazine: Culture

ART & THEATRE

The Cocky Horror Show THE CIRCUS OF HORRORS - APOCOLYPSE IN THE ASYLUM UNTIL 10TH FEB THE QUEENS HALL



S

ince childhood, I have had a deepseated fear of people in costumes.

In particular, ones with cages on their heads, eyes dripping (fake) blood and screaming “BROCHURE” in my face, while brandishing a program like a duelling sword. The circulation of the characters amongst the audience before the performance was clearly intended to set the scene of horror and doom, and it succeeded admirably. If said caged-head person, and a hunchback who bore a striking resemblance to Rodney Trotter was anything to go by.

The show was opened by live music from the Interceptors from Hell, the Circus’ in-house band. A bit like Four Poofs and a Piano, but with scary hair and scantily-clad ladies in corsets gyrating around them. Unfortunately, for the purposes of the show, The Interceptors provided background music and little more. Their function was undermined somewhat by the presence of a slightly aging gentleman in leather trousers, thrusting his pelvis

at the front rows like a coked-up Gary Barlow. Presumably, he was an MC of sorts, providing vocal accompaniment to the Interceptors but as it was impossible to decipher what he was saying, what he was doing is anyone’s guess From this, however, a plot developed, existing loosely along the lines that Gary Barlow has purchased an

“

The audience was greeted with on-stage piercing, a midget opening a beer bottle with his eye, and acrobatics that made many a man cross his legs. asylum in France in order to present his new show, ‘Blood Thirsty and Burlesque’. Pre-interval, the audience was greeted with on-stage piercing, a midget opening a beer bottle with his eye, and acrobatics that made many a man cross his legs. While this may

appear slightly ridiculous, the show capitalises on such a judgement and presents something which could quite easily verge on amazing. Each performer appears to outdo the last in the stakes of shock, gore and general body abuse.

The first half was concluded by a stunning gymnastic display from what can only be described as a human pipe cleaner, and which remained a personal favourite with the salivating males in the front row. The second half was diffused somewhat by the recurring presence of Gary Barlow, who was particularly enthusiastic after the visit of his dealer during the interval. More corseted ladies, a naked midget with a vacuum stuck to his appendage, and a rather sickening display of a tongue being nailed to a floorboard thankfully counteracted this, and the viewer was left stricken, if not satisfied, by the end of the performance.

With a larger budget and more theatre space, The Circus of Horrors could simply be perfect. The performers were co-ordinated, electric and employed the right cocktail of comedy farce and mesmerizing talent. Remove the grotesque Gary impersonator and you’re onto a winner.

Claire Mapletoft

Bankrupt Barclay or Chaste Installation?

Luke Healey sees the art of chivalry echoed at the Fruitmarket Gallery; Rachel Cloughton finds it all a bit pretentious.

CLAIRE BARCLAY - OPENWIDE Until 12th April FRUITMARKET GALLERY

E

very time I read the words ‘conceptually wide open’ my heart sinks, and Claire Barclay’s show is no exception to this rule. The exhibition is as pretentious as its opening blurb, which describes Barclay’s art as ‘precariously balanced between function and dysfunction, understanding and bafflement’…and nonsense and disappointment? For a gallery that constantly lays out the very best of contemporary art, (mutterings of the legendary Cardiff and Miller installations still linger in the air around ECA) I feel sure to be missing something.

However, the greater the struggle to contemplate the deeper meaning behind a suspended wheat sheaf taken from ‘After the Field’, the more certain it becomes that Openwide is actually a description of the gaping void it leaves inside the head.

Maybe the work on the ground floor can be forgiven, detached from the context it was first created in it serves to provide a retrospective of disparate fragments taken from Barclay's former installations rather than united, finished pieces.

However, the ugly grey boxes which store the work simply can not.

Overshadowing anything with a slight delicacy, such as the occasional watercolour or small sculptural piece the space becomes as brutal in aesthetics as a 1960’s tower block.

‘Caught in Corners’, the site spe-

cific artwork created for the second floor of the gallery, is equally disappointing. Even the title makes little sense, ‘Caught in Corners?’ -I wish!

The room feels alarmingly empty and not in a thought provoking, deliberately artistic way. The cement structures are ill thought out, uncomfortably directing focus upon the gallery’s fire exit, great in the case of an emergency, less so when trying to understand the ‘precisely plotted relationships’ she is apparently noted for.

Some elements momentarily redeem the exhibition; scattered feathers across the floor suggest that the viewer has just missed an act of violence and is now standing amidst the eerie, silent aftermath of the drama. Barclay’s series of screen prints; ‘A Life Livelier’ are also rather beautiful in their confident simplicity, although their colour scheme is taken, quite tackily, from the ‘Fruitmarket’ logo.

Overall, the exhibition was inaccessible and dull; with little aesthetic value or conceptual stimulus it is difficult to see what it actually contributes to Edinburgh’s art scene. I guess every gallery must have a low, even the great ones have a ‘bad apple’ in their bunch somewhere down the line, Claire Barclay is clearly the Fruitmarket’s.

BARCLAY, CARDIFF & MILLER Until 12th April FRUITMARKET GALLERY

he well-behaved Chivalric lover T knew that wooing wasn't all about getting results. There was a finer art to

be made out of "making love" in the Medieval sense - courtship, that is - than in the contemporary sense. The Chivalric code continues into the present day. Our culture is built on stories of sustained desire: think of the prevalence of texts in which wish fulfillment signals the end of the story; and the typically tragic nature of those texts in which it is not, from Madame Bovary to Revolutionary Road.

To use a term coined by Milan Kundera in a short story of the same name, our imaginations have been weaned on 'The

Rachel Cloughton

Claire Barclay, A Life Livelier, 2009

Golden Apple of Eternal Desire'.

This analogy seems especially pertinent to two Edinburgh exhibitions of the last six months: the Fruitmarket's summer show, Janet Cardiff and George Bures Miller's The House of Books Has No Windows and its current exhibition, Claire Barclay's Openwide. Both exhibitions use the same vocabulary of stagecraft. Barclay's works - particularly the numerous small installations exhibited on the ground floor under the title Openwide - look poised for performance, their component parts resembling props for some arcane ritual. Crucially though, they never do perform. They remain in an elegant state of poise.

Most of Cardiff and Bures Miller's installations, on the other hand, actually sprang into activity, resembling personless dramas; uniting light, sound and

found objects into short performances that were repeated over and over. They were noisy, kinetic gestamkunstwerks, whereas Openwide is mute and inanimate. They sated our longing for a fixed over-arching narrative, while Openwide keeps us begging by flirting with myriad possible narratives.

In the Chivalric analogy, the latter is a chaste Knight, humbly beseeching our consideration with all the thrill of ambiguity. The former, however, was no gentleman. Dispensing with formalities, it wantonly thrust its content into our faces, ready or not. Understandably, Barclay's exhibition is less likely to inspire quite the same thrill that its predecessor gave to the Fruitmarket's summer crowds. Chastity is less gratifying than its opposite.

This raises a question that hounds contemporary criticism: how much enjoyment should art provide? How much input should it demand in return?

To which I would respond like so: art can be entertaining, but it should do it on its own terms, as a cultural format that still has the capacity to awaken the reflective imagination rather than simply waylaying it with dazzling spectacles. A banner at Waverley station proudly advertises the Fruitmarket as 'Room To Think'. The gallery must continue to make good on this promise by delivering thought-provoking exhibitions such as Barclay's, and thus keep the 'Golden Apple of Eternal Desire' alive. For in art, as in love, the ellipsis will always prove more compelling than the full stop...

Luke Healey

culture@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture 23

Cluster Up : an ECA exhibition

Sweet Jesus!

Run Finished Bedlam Theatre

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culpture, Michelangelo once said, is the highest form of art, and it continues to provide an interesting medium for expressing ideas, as highlighted in the ECA's Cluster Up exhibition. In true artistic fashion, the second and third year students have deconstructed and reconstructed the word ‘sculpture’.

The exhibition is packed with over sixty pieces of work and provides a good opportunity to view what Edinburgh’s future artists have to offer. Works range widely in style, with some touching on Dadaism and others minimalism. Political statements and sexuality are also evident, as is metamorphism and mutation, in the case of Ellen Walker’s work.

This sexuality was initially highlighted by Matthew Weaver, who offered me a condom full of plaster and asked me to sculpt my own piece of what he calls "sexually dynamic" art. The end results are certainly interesting. Chocolate coated tampons were also available for all to see, making the "disgusting desirable". Maja Goerg also highlights, with her dead rabbit, that the disgusting can also be cast in bronze.

In a moment of epiphany one student noted "we’re all a bit weird here". Indeed certain pieces of work, which are often overly complex, are open to the criticism of being ambiguous and hazily defined.

Yet certain pieces have been sufficiently distilled and refined to leave the viewer with a purer form and clearer idea. David Moore, an ECA tutor highlighted the potential effectiveness of this in Abigail Rebekah Barr’s work,

which he noted was a pleasingly "quiet piece about observation" with "meditative"effects. This, as Barr noted, allowed her to consider where the boundaries of art begin and end. Close observation, as she highlights, can often yield interesting results. Yet this tendency towards distillation of ideas, while of creative value to the artist, often leaves little for the viewer to engage in. Nonetheless, Barr’s inconspicuous art is well worth a look.

Yet there are counterpoints to this tranquil and subtle art. Gareth Fitzpatrick, has, for example, painted a bear trap in an American

flag. Gary McGuiness also toys with the visually obvious, with his prominent God can’t get nits, now go to bed which recalls a youth of omnipotent symbols from McDonalds and Super Mario games.

Kelly Michael also allowed this reviewer’s inner child to spring to life as I followed subtle clues and a trail of plastic soldiers to her piece 'Come and Play'.

As this example highlights the sculpture court is filled with a range of experimental and varied pieces of work which are bound to stimulate discussion. It also allows the viewer to con-

sider spatial ideas, as with Pavlos Georgiou’s work, and visual ones, as with Clare Flatley’s piece.

Thus Cluster Up does just that, cramming lots of ideas and styles into a confined space and generating discussion. Well worth a look.

Neil Simpson The exhibition is in the ECA sculpture court, and admission is free. It is open between 5pm and 7pm and ends on February 25th.

edlam's production of Sweet Jesus, a hilarious slapstick circus written

by Bedlam's own David K. Barnes, follows various couples as they face the trials and tribulations of being in love. Their problems range from the mundane dilemma of losing passion in the bedroom to slightly more bizarre situations: what happens when the tree a couple carved their names on is threatened by the tyranny of the local council? What do you do when you're distracted from a quiet night in by Marilyn Monroe emerging from the television screen?

At some points articulation from a couple of the characters was poor, which detracted from the humour of some of the one-liners, if not of the comedy of the whole production. But the bigger gags were played out excellently, heralding a laugh every other line.

One of the most amusing scenes involves some slightly diverse roleplay in the bedroom, with Alice (Dasha Dubovitskaya) dressing up as Goebbels while her other half (Ed Sheridan) puts on a Hitler costume, equipped with moustache. This leads to a few lines worthy of a Peep Show script.

The audience seemed to especially appreciate the character of Mr Peebles (Paddy Douglas) whose good-natured optimism (and bowler hat) caused a lot of laughs, as well as some cringeworthy moments, particularly when he is chained to the imperilled tree along with a couple in the middle of a domestic.

Although his quirky character lent itself well to the close proximity of the audience, those watching weren't always considered in terms of the degree of acting – some actors were more naturalistic, while others seemed almost awkwardly over the top.

This inconsistency settled down and was not noticeable in the second act, which saw most of the characters onstage for a restaurant scene. Going between the tables was an overworked and masochistic waiter/head chef/assistant chef (Chris Craig Harvey) who is in his element when being brutalised by the unwilling Hitler.

The second act benefitted from the intensity of his performance (on the final night he kicked a door off its hinges, to the surprise of the rest of the cast). And everything comes to a neat conclusion: with the meek Mr Peebles leaving the restaurant with Marilyn Monroe.

Alanna Petrie

Artists Left to Right: Liam Crichton, Sara Torkmorad, Gary McGuiness, Clare Flatley. Photos: Rachel Williams A Creative Voice Until 22nd March City Art Centre

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ccompanying the annual Visual Arts Scotland display, A Creative Voice is an exhibition of Scottish women artists’ work, mostly from the first half of the 20th century. Visual Arts Scotland was known until 1999 as the Scottish Society of Women Artists, a group founded in 1924 to encourage women to present their work in a male-dominated art scene.

Visual Arts Scotland continues to promote the arts and provide equal exhibition opportunities to all artists.

In keeping with that feeling of equality, there are also a couple of works by male artists to be found.

The selection of these seems to be thematic, dealing with issues of upbringing, memories and heritage, while the female artists’ body of work

contains everything from still-lifes of flowers and Scottish landscapes to abstract paintings. With work ranging from oil paintings and watercolours to tapestries and woodcuts there is a variety of media and styles.

An interesting inclusion are contemporary sculptor Anne Carrick’s little figurines of women artists from the 1924 SSWA opening. Located at the centre of the exhibition, this addition manages to set the mood, honouring the artists whose work surrounds it.

However, with thick layers of excellent colours, creating a uniquely three-dimensional feeling, 'St. Abbs, Storm' by Kathleen Russell is the one to admire.

Although works like Edith Simon’s layered paper portrait and Fiona Hutchinson’s abstract tapestry provide an insight into the diversity of women artists’ work, the subject matters seem often to remain thin, focusing on the

perfection of depiction rather than meaning. As female artists have not always been able to exhibit their work, there seems to be a slight tendency to put forward works of art that have been made by other artists for centuries contrasting with the few more innovative works of Will MacLean and Calum Colvin displayed.

Thus, the impression of women’s role in the Scottish art scene remains a bit fleeting, as the number and variety of works presented doesn’t add up to much, giving the exhibition a slightly patched-up look.

For those who seek more thrills and fewer biographical facts compressed into approximately four sentences, the VAS 2009 exhibition on the two upper floors of the City Art Centre is recommended.

Helen Harjak

Anne Redpath Black and White Check (1952) Bridgman Art Library

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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Want to geek out with us? Drop us a line at tech@studentnewspaper.org

Magazine: Culture

TECHNOLOGY

Captain's Log

hatever happened to the days W when astronauts played golf on the moon? Almost forty years

have passed since Apollo 17 left the valley of Taurus-Littrow and humans haven’t been back since. Granted, sticking Colin Montgomery on the moon just to swear at a golf ball would seem financially wasteful, and since the last lunar mission in 1972 the money has been put to better uses like investing in superhero movie sequels and wars against nonexistent nuclear weapons. Although the media might have lost interest in Mars, the moon and any black holes that aren’t made in Switzerland, a quick glance at NASA’s website will show you there’s far more happening on the final frontier than you may imagine.

Perhaps one of the reasons for the lack of public euphoria over space is that most current missions go on for years rather than days, and many of these are focused on Earth itself, particularly the state of its climate.

Aura, an ongoing mission launched back in 2004, is dedicated to assessing the health of Earth’s atmosphere.

Two other satellites, Aqua and Terra, are doing similar investigations into Earth’s water cycle and the general climate respectively. This is important

work, but lacks the theatrics of skiing down Olympus Mons or Storm chasing in Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.

It’s not all about watching glaciers melt and spying on polar bears. The spacecraft Dawn, launched in September 2007, is a long-term mission with multiple objectives including a survey of Vesta – the second-largest body in the asteroid belt – in 2011, and an encounter with the dwarfplanet Ceres in 2015. In the short term, the craft is expected to fly by Mars around the same time that you read this article.

Another mission on the horizon is of quite astounding scope. Kepler is destined for launch in less than three weeks, intending to survey over 100,000 star systems for planets similar to our own. It will be the first satellite capable of locating distant planets that are the same size or smaller than Earth, which is one giant leap for answering questions about extraterrestrial life.

Satellites and probes aren’t the only things being sent into space either.

With the International Space Station (ISS) verging on completion and the space shuttle nearing its admission into the world’s largest old folk’s home, NASA are in the process of

developing a new rocket, Ares I, and the crew capsule Orion I. These are projected to take over from the space shuttle on trips to the ISS, but they are also part of plans for a long-term colony on the moon and even a manned mission to Mars. However, this is very much theoretical until both complete rigorous testing, so don’t book your buggy-racing holiday on the moon just yet.

Special mention should be given to the Voyager 1 and 2 space probes, which with an estimated five-year working lifespan are now approaching their thirty-second year in space. Their current mission is to reach the edge of the solar system and be the first manmade object to enter interstellar space, an incredible achievement. In addition, Voyager 2 recently discovered that the solar system is not spherical: rather, it is squashed at its southern hemisphere, changing traditional concepts of how the sun reacts with space and the objects surrounding it.

So while we won’t be flying TIE fighters or warring with the Klingons anytime soon, it might be possible to swing a six-iron in the Sea of Tranquility in the coming decades. Unless you believe the moon landings were faked, in which case you’re an idiot.

A NEW DAWN RISES: The launch of NASA’s Dawn spacecraft

NATIONAL AERONAUTICS AND SPACE ADMINISTRATION

Richard Lane looks skywards at the current space missions

Twitter: Waste of Space or Facebook 2.0?

WEBSITEOF THEWEEK

www.keepmeout.com HOW IN good conscience could we willingly poison your free time with Twitter and not provide you with an antidote?

KeepMeOut! helps you limit the time you spend/waste on Facebook and random Wikipedia articles by reminding you that your hours could, I dunno, be used for work or something.

After entering the offending site's url and how long you wish to avoid it, KeepMeOut! generates a custom timed bookmark that warns you (gently) when you are visiting that certain part of the web too often.

The whole scheme relies upon an honour system, as only through the bookmark will you be shown the warning page and timer, and really that's fine. This is not the hardcore lockdown that some of us need, but for those of you who genuinely want to work and want a streamlined way of scheduling your online time, KeepMeOut! could be your perfect study-buddy.

Craig Wilson

and Bebo, along comes another online service to eat up more of our precious time. For many, Twitter is a glorified version of the Facebook status update—and these cynics aren’t far from the truth. Twitter is a micro-blogging site which allows users to update their thoughts, feelings, and day-to-day experiences in bitesize text-based posts, called ‘tweets’; messages which have a limit of 140 characters. If it sounds simplistic, that’s because it is; and many users say that its popularity lies in its lack of filler. There are no flying sheep, no werewolves, and no embarrassing photos on Twitter. No ‘complicated’ relationships either.

Founded in 2006 by San Franciscans Evan Williams, Jack Dorsey and Biz Stone, Twitter began as a research and development project within a podcasting company. Twitter was bought out by Obvious Management in October of that year, and gained both popularity and critical acclaim within 2007, winning the South By South West Web Award in the blog category. The secret of Twitter’s success since then has been its immediacy—you can get breaking news fed directly to your page without having to trawl though pages of the internet—and its affiliations with celebrities. Barack Obama—or at least the admin in charge of updating news of his movements—is the most popular user to ‘follow’ on Twitter.

Rather than ‘add as a friend’, Twitter allows you to follow anyone you like—unless they choose to lock their account, in which case you have to be

create your own, even if your following only consists of your mates and a few paranoid minor celebrities who want to see whether you are a real stalker.

Twitter’s success perhaps lies exactly here, in satisfying both the egos of celebrities—who are able to amass huge numbers of followers thanks to their ubiquitous names—and the average Joe Public, who gets a kick out of finding out about the most trivial events of famous people. And, let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to find out whether Charlie Brooker is as bleedin’ miserable in real life as he appears to be on Screenwipe, or whether Russell Brand can maintain the most convoluted wanky Victorian sentences without resorting to text speak within 140 characters? Stephen Fry, who pretty much everyone follows, has a fondness for ending his messages with ‘LOL’ or a kiss, or both. Way to spoil the appearance of intellectual restraint.

Other notable celebrities who are on-board are Jonathan Ross, Fearne Cotton, Reggie Yates and Philip Schofield. Most of the BBC then? Yes. There really does seem to be a growing fascination within the Beeb, and I get the feeling it won’t be long until Twitter becomes a word of mouth phenomenon within other similar institutions.

There’s a recent message from ‘Wossy’ on my feed at the moment, posted two hours ago: “Am going to have lunch with my wife now. Red Mullet.

That’s what we’re eating, not what I call her.” It’s this kind of disposable everyday information which makes Twitter so playful and humourous; not

IN SPACE: no one can hear you tweet... that you have to find out about the mundane lives of the celebs. You can follow politicians, newspapers, bands and influential people, such as the man who started last.fm, Anthony Volodkin. Large corporations have used Twitter to improve customer relations, and smaller companies are using the service in order to widen their commercial appeal.

Stephen Fry recently even had a competition on Twitter, to see who could come up with the most imaginative tweet using the letter L as much as possible. My personal favourite entry came in second place: “Tetris v0.1 proved too easy: L L L L L L L L L” . Some people have too much time on their hands, you’re thinking. You’re right.

Whether Twitter will be this year’s online success story remains to be seen, but certainly it’s an annoyingly addictive and a refreshing alternative to Facebook.

TWEETSOF THECENTURY twitter.com/stephenfry The man, the legend. Become one of his 180,000 followers. twitter.com/Wossy Follow Jonathon Ross and see if his next prank backfires online. twitter.com/MarsRovers Roaming the Red Planet: The missions of Spirit and Opportunity. twitter.com/NASAKepler The juiciest gossip straight from ground control www.cursebird.com Real-time tracking of curse words used in Twitter. 'Bollocks' is up 23.53%!

MCREL / CRAIG WILSON

Jonny Stockford joins the masses as they tweet their lives away ust as you thought social networking an accepted follower. So, essentially, Stephen Fry and Barack Obama have Jit could had explored almost every avenue through Facebook, Myspace their own online empires; and you can

Puzzles

“

I invented Sudoku in 1503. No, I did." Leonardo da Vinci

Teasers

This Week's Horoscopes AQUARIUS Jan 21—Feb 19

Saturn is in in the third house,

Mercury is having a week’s holiday in his second house, Neptune is lurking in the bushes outside Venus’s house, Mars is squatting in the old house of Jupiter (deceased), and Tim Westwood is in Da House. Good news if you're thinking about moving house; if not, it’s time to think about moving house.

PISCES Feb 20—Mar 20

GEMINI May 22—June 21

You may find yourself living

in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in another part of the world. And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile. And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: well... when will I get this song out of my head?

Puzzles LIBRA Sep 24—Oct 23

Poor old Pluto is in your sign

this week but, as usual, nobody will notice. He's not even a real planet. Not anymore, anyway. Not like fucking Mars. In the spirit of inclusiveness, this would be a good week to go out and sleep with someone you and all your friends shun and detest. Ah, go on.

Please?

CANCER June 22—July 23

SCORPIO Oct 24—Nov 22

week on the run from the law after committing a particularly vicious and violent crime. Keep your travel agent's number handy at all times. Remember, France uses the metric system and 'I beat him to within 2.54 centimetres of his life' just doesn't sound quite so bad.

you find yourself doubting the accuracy of astrology, you best keep your damn mouth shut, child. You may find the suggestion that the same three sentences can be true for roughly a twelfth of the population ludicrous but... well, let's just say that this week you might get battered by someone wielding a telescope, right?

ARIES Mar 21—April 20

LEO July 24—Aug 23

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23—Dec 21

and gruesome discovery - IN YOUR WARDROBE. Yes - that wardrobe. Approach carefully, stealthily. Fling open the door and be ready for anything. DO IT NOW.

to take a pregnancy test. Yes, you might be male and celibate but you can never be too careful. A November due date means that ideal baby names include Salmonella, Gordon and Crotch.

this sentence, begin counting down from 13,462. When you reach zero - wherever you are duck, roll and run towards the north star at a moderate pace. You will eventually encounter your soulmate. Or possibly traffic.

TAURUS April 21—May 21

VIRGO Aug 24—Sep 23

CAPRICORN Dec 22—Jan 20

with his constant passive aggression: cleaning his plates but pointedly leaving yours in the middle of the table, putting little notes on his cheese saying not to eat it, and so on. Remember, he’s a good friend, and he needs your help.

Go into his room right now and pay him a compliment. Then, lick his cheese.

At some point this weekend, you will find the following message scrawled on a toilet paper dispenser in a university building: 'If u read this, u r gay'. You're going to have to tell your parents. Mum won't mind, dad will leave the room silently and mow the lawn furiously for a week.

own business? It's time to go back to basics, so you'd better abandon any notions of accountancy, IT or beauty therapy. The future is in pig dairies. That's not to say you shouldn't finish your History of Art degree; even swine can appreciate a good Caravaggio.

Cradling

your head in your hands, your tears mingling with the slowly-cooling bathwater, you will wonder how it came to this. Why, just a week ago everything was fine!

Then you read that horoscope, and everything seemed... different, somehow. Also, your bath is full of faeces.

You will make an unexpected

A flatmate is driving you crazy

You will spend most of this

Now would be a good time

Hello,Virgo.How are things?

Should

Sudoku #4

Hitori # 4

Sudoku is a logic-based number-placement puzzle. The objective is to fill the 9×9 grid so that each column, each row, and each of the nine 3×3 boxes (also called blocks or regions) contains the digits from 1 to 9 only once.

The object of Hitori is to eliminate numbers by shading in the squares such that remaining cells do not contain numbers that appear more than once in either a given row or column.

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ROUGH PAD

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The inaugural Student challenge is simple: Use an inappropriate word in your coursework, then submit it.

The word doesn't have to be rude. Just an unusual word that might momentarily bewilder the person marking your work.

It could be "baloney", or "chubby", or "spider-monkey" or "vag-watering".

Anything at all. You must send PROOF to editors@studentnewspaper.org that the word was used in your coursework, and we will choose the funniest.

The winner will receive a prize of eternal glory, plus a mystery gift.

Thinking about starting your

Not So Cryptic Crossword #4

1

Student challenge # 1

Starting from when you read

Foretold by Ed Ballard and Lyle Brennan

Filled-in cells cannot be horizontally or vertically adjacent, although they can be diagonally adjacent. The remaining un-filled cells must form a single component connected horizontally and vertically (i.e there must be no isolated numbers).

Caption competition # 2 This is your chance to show off your razor-sharp wit, your truly ridiculous imagination, your mastery of awful puns or your encyclopaedic knowledge of penis gags. This week's prize is 'eternal glory' (again) but watch this space for future prizes of nominal cash value! Send entries to editors@studentnewspaper.org with 'caption competition' in the subject line.

ACROSS 3 Force controlling compass (8) 9 Rephrase (5) 10 Very skilled person (3) 11 Cover (3) 12 Curious (11) 14 Gadget (5) 16 Present (4) 17 Eats to a plan (5) 19 Something unusual (6) 20 Apex (3) 22 Vigour (6) 23 Tally (5) 25 Appear (4) 26 Change (5) 28 Thoughtful (11) 30 Home of the brave (3) 31 Atmosphere; French duo (3) 32 More unfavourable (5) 33 Ghosts (8) DOWN 1 DeNiro's mode of transport (4) 2 Legal inquiry (7) 4 Unintentional happening (8) 5 Beginner (6) 6 Written messages sent by wire (9) 7 Seaport in SW Spain (5) 8 Greeting (5) 13 Of a country (8) 15 Driver (8)

Solutions

What's the matter? Can't stand the heat? Eh?! Don't worry, the answers are all here in tiny, inverted writing. The Student accepts no responsibility for strained eyes or neck injuries sustained by those too stupid to turn this page upside down.

This week it's rector-elect Macwhirter and EUSA's Adam Ramsay. Credit for best post-coital dialogue. Photo: K. Kennedy

Caption competition #1: Last week's winner 18 Chief source of natural sweetener (5, 4) 21 First public performance (8) 24 Native of Nicosia, for example (7)

25 26 27 29

Illuminated during the day (6) In front (5) Excursions (5) Paradise (4)

Congratulations to J. Morris for this piece of mild, Skittles-based blasphemy: 'I told you not to give Jesus any e-numbers, you know how he gets.' That'll do. As promised, here is your coupon for eternal glory. Cut it out, laminate it and keep it your wallet forever. Nobody else cut that out, ok? We will find out.

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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sport@studentnewspaper.org

Sport

Fools rush in...

Martin Domin argues that managers need to learn their trade before jumping in at the deep end WHEN TONY Adams became the sixth Premiership manager to lose his job this season, he followed in the footsteps of fellow rookie managers Paul Ince and Roy Keane. All three were world class players in their day, but all three have so far failed to prove they have what it takes to be as successful in the dug out. In all honestly, Adams should never have been appointed as Portsmouth's manager in the first place. He might well have been the easy and cheap option but a failed stint as Wycombe manager and a coaching spell in Holland does not, in my opinion, give him the glittering CV required to manage in the biggest league in the world. Neither does it seem likely that what he lacks in experience he makes up in being a good manager. If his half time team talks are anything like his post match interviews, I'm surprised his players were able to wake from their deep slumber when the second half began.

Adams' plight however is just the latest story of a manager being rushed through the ranks before he is truly ready. While Paul Ince had successful spells with Macclesfield and MK Dons, two years in the management game was hardly enough time to prepare him for life in the cut throat world of the Premiership. Indeed, had he not led MK Dons to the title, he may have been considered a failure given the fact that they had reached the play offs the year before and were considered among the title favourites.

While many will say he was not given enough time at Blackburn, there is no denying just how important it is that these clubs stay in the top flight. A quick look at the Championship table shows Charlton, who finished seventh in the Premiership in 2004, on the verge of relegation to League One. Leeds and Leicester are also in English football's third tier which shows

what relegation from the top table can do to a once successful club.

While no one can deny that Roy Keane did exceptionally well to guide Sunderland to the Premiership, he too had one of the strongest squads in the league and despite their poor start, he had 42 games to turn their season around while he was also well backed in the transfer market. He continued to splash the cash after winning the title, including the dubious purchase of Michael Chopra for £5m.

Nevertheless, a 15th place finish was enough to secure a second season in the top flight and a chance for Keane to continue to turn the club around.

Again, the former Manchester United midfielder brought in several new faces to the club including Djibril Cisse and Anton Ferdinand as his spending as manager topped £80m.

Anyone who spends that much money should be expected to deliver success.

And on paper Sunderland looked to have a squad strong enough to ensure they'd be looking up the table rather than over their shoulders. As it happened, Keane resigned with the club in the relegation zone having lost six of their last seven games while it was rumoured that some of the squad were delighted to see the back of a man whose man management skills allegedly left a lot to be desired. Perhaps the pressure of the Premiership suddenly got too much for the Irishman but whatever the reason for his failure this season, he is another example of a manager who was fast tracked through the management system and has ultimately paid the price.

On the other hand, there are managers who have learned the ropes in the lower leagues for a significant period of time before taking their chance at the big time. Martin O'Neil, now at Aston Villa, has been in the management game for over 20 years having

started out at lowly Grantham Town before a move to Shepshed Charterhouse. One wonders if we will ever see Tony Adams go as far down the league ladder to resurrect his managerial career. After a successful spell at Wycombe Wanderers, he moved to Leicester where he won promotion to the Premiership in his first season. He had already been a manager for nine years by the time he got there however, far longer than Adams, Ince or Keane.

His Leicester side never finished outside the top half of the Premiership and twice won the League Cup. After moving north to Celtic, his career continued to flourish as his five

seasons at Celtic Park yielded three League titles, three Scottish Cups, and a League Cup as well as a run to the UEFA Cup Final. He now stands on the brink of leading Villa to the Champions League.

There are plenty of other examples of managers learning the ropes before taking a top job. Arsene Wenger was a manager for a decade before moving to London, Sir Alex Ferguson begun his managerial career with lowly East Stirling while Rafael Benitez spent 15 years learning his trade before taking over at Valencia. There has clearly been a shift in the way that managers have developed their talents. The

aforementioned trio are among the most successful in Europe but took many a year to get to the top. Nowadays, players considered to be the best are being fast tracked to the top clubs upon retirement and more often than not, they quickly find themselves out of their depth. It is no wonder that every time the England job is up for grabs, there are fewer and fewer English candidates and if this decline is to be reversed, these players must realise that a few coaching badges and a glittering playing career is not enough to guarantee success as a manager.

FEELING THE STRAIN: Adams ultimately paid the price for Portsmouth's poor form.

Managerial merry-go-round needs to stop Alistair Shand wants clubs to give managers more time to make their mark THE RECENT surprise sacking of ‘Big Phil’ Scolari from Chelsea is the latest in a long list of managerial exits where club owners have just run out of patience. The North London club’s poor run of form came to a head in an uninspiring 0-0 draw with Premiership new-boys Hull City, which ended with boos ringing out around Stamford Bridge. It is becoming a habit of club owners and executives to see sacking as the first option when a team goes through a bad spell.

This lack of patience on the part of chairmen is meaning that instead of sacking being the last option, it is becoming normalised and therefore something of a knee-jerk reaction to a series of bad results.

This age of managerial genocide is no better illustrated than in the Scottish Premier League with Heart of Midlothian. Since Lithuanian millionaire Vladimir Romanov seized a controlling stake in the Gorgie side in 2005 he has overseen the arrival and departure of no fewer than six managers.

Romanov’s autocratic

style of ownership gave rise to a zero tolerance policy in terms of poor results and therefore manager after manager has come and gone at Tynecastle. This impatience on the part of the controlling party at Hearts is symptomatic of the wider problem of premature sacking in the game today. The latter is only accentuated by the ruthless axing of Scolari from the Chelsea hot seat. The further we move into this global recession the less patient Mr Abramovich, and other wealthy chairmen, seem to become.

A welcome contrast is in fact found in another of the top four in England. Manchester United are owned by American sports magnate Malcolm Glazer. This proposed takeover faced vehement opposition at the time, but the laissez-faire method adopted by the Glazer family to management and team selection is extremely welcome in these days of owner autocracy. These new owners have remained firmly behind-thescenes and stuck diligently behind

the coaching team; albeit one of the best in the world. This patient approach has brought Manchester United phenomenal success over the past three years as the Reds continue their dominance in the Premiership.

Patience is undoubtedly a virtue in football. Even with the millions being pumped into Chelsea via Roman Abramovich’s bank account there still needs to be time given for managers to make their mark on the team.

Therefore one would argue that Luis Felipe Scolari’s Chelsea sacking was premature and instead the powers that be within the club should have given him time to mould the team into his own style. Former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho was given the period of time needed to transform Chelsea. Although results came very quickly for the self-proclaimed ‘Special One,’ he was still criticised for his pragmatic approach in a league famed for free-flowing attacking football. However, Mourinho was given time and soon he transformed Chelsea into a domestic winning

machine and the stylish football the fans craved gradually arrived. Both Mourinho and Scolari came to Chelsea with superb coaching credentials but in the end, one was given time and one wasn’t. Considering the enviable record of Scolari one can’t help but think he was deserving of more of a shot. Thus instead of ruthless shareholders axing managers at the first sign of a drought it is time that more trust was shown in managers to steer clubs through a poor run.

Despite Hearts providing a fitting example for a decline in the trust of managers in recent times, it is also them who now symbolise the fruitfulness of showing patience in a coach. Hungarian boss Csaba Laszlo took on the poisoned chalice of the Tynecastle hot seat in the summer and since then fans have been waiting for owner Romanov to intervene.

However, Mr Romanov has instead shown unprecedented patience and respect towards the new coach. As a result of this trust in the manager Hearts dire fortunes have been re-

versed and now sit comfortably in fourth place in the Scottish Premier League. This exemplifies the results that can be achieved when managers are shown trust instead of the ruthless approach employed by Romanov with previous managers.

Therefore it appears that the recent sacking of Luis Felipe Scolari is part of a wider problem in top-flight football which sees sacking as the first option. There is no doubt that Chelsea were going through a bad run of results but increasingly in the modern game there is the need for patience. Managers are human and therefore it takes time to fully make a team their own. Despite the instantaneous success of some managers, there is surely a need to trust in the skills of proven coaches. The latter is no better illustrated than in the trust shown in Mark Hughes who is gradually lifting Manchester City out of trouble as he slowly makes his mark on the team. In the modern game, it is true that good things come to those who wait.

Contact the Sport section at: sport@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday February 17 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Sport 27

Haines rewarded for fine year Martin Domin talks to sports union award winner Hector Haines HECTOR HAINES was desperate for some recognition after a stunning first year with the orienteering club, and he got his wish when he was awarded the first-year student who made the most outstanding contribution to University sport. Haines admitted that he was delighted to receive the award: “I knew I was to be nominated for an award when our club captain emailed me telling me I had to come to the sports union dinner. I had no idea who I was up against, but I knew I had had some pretty special results and performances last year that I was really happy with so I hoped I’d get some recognition for them. It was great to win it. When the speaker was reading out my background before he announced me I couldn’t stop smiling! Obviously, it is a rare award and it feels quite special to win it.”

Haines has been orienteering for eight years and continued to participate when he arrived in Edinburgh.

He noted that his family have played a big part in his advancement.

“I’ve been orienteering now for about eight years, starting when I was only 11 although even that was quite late for my age group – most people get into it with their families when they are quite young. I picked it up pretty fast however and I’ve been in the British Junior Squad system since I was 14. ”My family was my main influence.

My father took up orienteering at school and represented Great Britain a couple of times at the World Championships. He took up Fell Running after he met my mum however, and it was predominantly this that I did in my early years.”

Whilst orienteering may receive little coverage, Haines stressed that it can be far more challenging that people might first think.

He said: “Orienteering challenges both the mind and the body and can take place anywhere from remote forest and countryside to urban parks.

The aim is to navigate in sequence between control points marked on a unique orienteering map and decide the best route to complete the course in the quickest time. ”Obviously, there are numerous skills related to map reading - both basic and complex. It is the combination of these skills while running at

a high pace through any terrain that make orienteering the sport that it is.”

Haines received the award after some sterling performances over the last year and he revealed that his successes have not been confined to the UK, He added: “In the last year I was British Champion, BUC’s silver medallist, 16th at the World Championships and I was also selected to compete at the World Students where I came 35th. The Club were BUC’s Champions and also finished in the top three for every major relay event in the domestic season last year.”

Not content with that however, Haines has set his sights on improving again this year.

“My aspirations this year are a top ten finish at the Junior Worlds though I feel that a medal is within my grasp if I can perform well. As for

the club, we have a good chance of becoming BUC's Champions again and also improving on our positions in the major relay events in the domestic season – perhaps even performing internationally if we travel to Scandinavia as we did last year.”

Beyond university, Haines believes he can reach the very top of the sport: “I plan on getting into the Senior World Championships Team in 2010 and I should be at the top of my game by the age of 26/27. I hope I will be good enough by that point to have many more major successes and become one of the best orienteers in the world.”

Meanwhile, the Orienteering Club were named the most outstanding club of the year, along with the Ladies Rugby club. Orienteering Club captain, Jess Halliday, was delighted to receive the award. She

said: "We are very excited to have been awarded the Lillywhite Shield for the most outstanding club of the year. It's great to be rewarded in such a way for all the hard work the club, and especially the committee, put in over the year.

"The club has been progressing over the last few years, with last year culminating in winning the British University's Championships by an impressive margin as well as other individual and team results on the national and international scene.

For the first time, last year we sent a women's and men's team to an international relay in Finland and we hope to build on this in the future years.

"We also organised a weekend of races which attracted 200 competitors from all over Britain. We are sure that this will now become an integral part of the national fixtures and attract more competitors each year."

VICTORIOUS: The orienteering club celebrate their award at the sports union ball

Table tennis triumph for Edinburgh men Simon Messenger reports on an stunning win for Edinburgh's table tennis men HAVING EASILY dominated their Scottish Conference in the first semester, winning all their fixtures and 77 out of 81 games, the Edinburgh University table tennis men's first team travelled all the way to Brighton, (whose team finished third in the Southern Premier League) for their BUCS Last 16 fixture. 900 odd miles and 15 hours later, the team were back in Edinburgh after a resounding 16-1 victory to keep alive their hopes of success in this years BUCS competition, the most illustrious of the university tournaments.

The team was led by Craig Howieson for the first time, a Sports Bursar

and current number three senior in Scotland, with regulars Stewart Armitage (Scottish number nine), Allan Robic and captain Simon Messenger alongside him. This formidable line up proved to be far too good for their Brighton counterparts.

Robic and Messenger were the first two players up and convincingly beat Brighton's top two seeds to build a 20 lead. Within just over an hour, a tie was won with Edinburgh 9-0 up with Stewart Armitage's third win of the day against their second seed confirming Edinburgh's win. The rest of the day was a formality with all Edinburgh

players winning their matches until the final tie when Messenger went down 3-2. Howieson and Armitage meanwhile did not drop a single set.

Despite the frustrating end, this convincing victory has set up a quarter final tie against Durham, who saw off Bath 9-8 in the previous round and, if Edinburgh were to win this match, they would face the exciting prospect of playing the semi-finals/finals at the BUCS Championships in midMarch. With Durham finishing bottom of the Northern Premier League and recording their first win of the year against Bath, hopes are high that Ed-

inburgh may repeat their exploits of 2006 when they won the BUCS silver medal.

In the other two fixtures of the day, the women's first team were overwhelmed by Oxford's fine attacking play and captain Sarah Ames couldn't stop her team losing 5-0.

Meanwhile the men's second string were outplayed by a strong Northumbria University side 11-6, with Rolf Rothbaecher and Florian Breitkopf winning two matches and Tim Chan and Captain Nok Bun Man winning a single one each.

Injury Time TAKES A WRY LOOK AT THE WORLD OF SPORT

108 caps? Are you having a laugh?

Michael Klimes NO MATTER what he does David Beckham always seems to be in the headlines. In our celebrity obsessed culture, this is an exceptional achievement or irritation depending on your point of view. Think of his fame! The only reason England knows about the metatarsal bone is because Beckham injured himself and sent the press into hysteria. The people wanted know if the injury of Saint Beckham plunge the chances of the nation's football wins into hell? Now that he is no longer the England team captain and has moved on to play for America (because no challenge is deemed too large for this megastar), he is now, oddly enough, centre stage in England once again.

For some reason, the country and the team just cannot be without Beckham and he cannot be without us. He recently equalled Bobby Moore’s record of gaining the most caps of any English outfield player by reaching his 108th cap. It is stating the obvious but Beckham, even after all these years, still wants to play for England. The highly emotional departure conference where he said that the greatest honour in his football career has been to be captain of England was poignantly heartfelt. The fact that it was not over sentimental and too clichéd reflects his class and commitment to excellence.

It is always wrong to say something will not happen again but Beckham will probably not be returning to the role of captain in the future. So being pragmatic, he probably feels the second greatest honour open to him is to play for England in some capacity even if it is diminished. Positioning himself in Europe at a formidable club like AC Milan is to ensure he keeps busy and is close enough to England for Fabio Capello to notice him. He has also discovered that he is not going to change the fortunes of football in America as it is too large and rooted in its own sport’s culture to be transformed from a single outside force; even if there is no greater singular entity than David Beckham in the world of sport. He might be in the late afternoon of his career but Beckham will continue be around as a force, albeit a lesser one, for a while.

However, despite his long and distinguished career, Beckham can really only do one thing. Cross the ball. George Best once said that Beckham "cannot kick with his left foot, he cannot head a ball, he cannot tackle and he doesn't score many goals." And he was right.

Beckham has forged a career from crosses and free kicks and while there are few who can do better, one wonders just how he has managed to last quite this long with only one string to his bow.

Sport

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday February 17 2009

Dugout disasters

Martin Domin and Alistair Shand discuss the latest managerial changes

P26

Mixed fortunes for squash sides EDINBURGH’S MEN’S squash side thrashed rivals Glasgow to progress to the last eight of the BUCS competition. There was less encouraging news for the women however as they crashed out to Aberdeen at the same stage of the competition.

In the BUCS Squash Championship the last 16 round is a double header for all teams involved. The Premier League teams are drawn against the eight qualifying teams from the regional competitions and the winners make up the BUCS Premier League for the next season. Both the men's and women's sides were aiming to retain their place at the top table but ultimately only the men now have a chance of doing so after last week's results.

Weakened by the loss of key players over the summer and the recent loss of influential captain, Jane Crowley, to a long term knee injury, the women were up for a tough battle against a very talented Aberdeen side.

The Edinburgh side eventually lost 3-1, with comprehensive but battling 3-0 defeats for Kate Anderson, Iman Querishi and Helen Fay. However, watched on by a small crowd of seven, Rachel Collins won a tight encounter 3-2 over the Aberdeen number one.

This match had everything with both players edging individual games.

However when Rachel got herself into the front of the court, she controlled the play and hit superior shots

although the occasional drop shot found the tin. In the long run the side have benefited from this tough encounter and this sees them return to the SUS championships next year hopeful to regain their Premier League place.

The men had better fortunes however. They faced a Glasgow side who had won the SUS Championships, having beaten the Edinburgh seconds and thirds on the way, and so they travelled to the capital looking to complete an Edinburgh Grand Slam.

Sadly for Glasgow this was not to be the case as they were to discover that Edinburgh's top side were a much tougher nut to crack.

In a match which saw a real examination of the Edinburgh men's quintet as they were moved to play at so fast a pace and with such fierce intensity; the Edinburgh men came through with a resounding 5-0 victory. Victory for Edinburgh was ultimately the correct result but the score line was perhaps harsh, something which Glasgow probably didn’t deserve to receive.

The Edinburgh side now travel to Nottingham for a repeat of last years quarter final, which they lost 4-1.

They will be hoping to avenge that defeat and book a trip to the BUCS Championships at Sheffield in mid March which will see the culmination of the university sporting year.

JAMES POPE

James Pope reports from the last 16 of the BUCS squash knockouts

OUT OF REACH: Action from the women's squash match

Edinburgh men see off English opposition at BUCS

STICKS AT THE READY: Edinburgh's hockey men await the corner

JAMES POPE

James Pope reports from the knockout matches EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY’S men dominated their English opposition in the BUCS knockouts last week, but many of the ladies stuttered. There were tremendous victories for the football, hockey, squash, fencing and table tennis teams as their respective women missed out in a sporting programme much reduced due to the wintry conditions.

The weather had seen the home lacrosse fixtures cancelled on Monday and the hockey fixtures only survived due to hard work by the Peffermill ground staff and a late start time change. The hockey saw yet another case of the golden goal punishment for Edinburgh with both the women’s first and second teams losing 2-1 against Oxford in a painful manner. It was a real blow for the women’s firsts as they had dominated much of a second half in a game filled with cards and disallowed goals. The men though, thumped Portsmouth 4-1

in a commanding win that never seemed in doubt.

In contrast to the women's hockey team, the men's footballers came back from conceding a last minute equaliser to win 3-1 after extra time against Manchester University. Having lead up until that last minute, the Manchester keeper came up to score a last minute equaliser, though it was to be in vain as Edinburgh came away with the win in extra time.

The biggest blow for Edinburgh came in the Fencing. Last years finalists and this years Premier League champions, the ladies A team, lost by a single point as they went down 116-115 against Durham. However, there were wins all across the board for the other three sides including the semi-finalists from the men's A team.

Other results were very favourable, with commanding wins for the tennis men and women and the volleyball men edged out Cardiff 3-2.