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Week 7 04.11.2008
UNITEd we fall Sara D’Arcy
Samhuinn festival celebrates the coming of winter. More on page 5 >>
Julia Sanches Julia Sanches
Student Minority Report Edinburgh falling behind on minority representation EUSA motion fails due to voting blunder Sarah Morrison PLANS PUT forward by the Student Representative Council (SRC) for increased representation on campus had to be put on hold last week after confusion over voting procedures. The motion, which was initially passed, was to implement six ‘liberation officers’ into the council, who would represent self-defined minority groups, including female students, lesbian, gay or bisexual students, disabled students, and black students at the University. The motion was recalled when it was discovered that EUSA’s constitution requires a two-thirds supermajority for a motion to be passed, a position that was not reached at the meeting.
President Adam Ramsay told Student a mistake had been made and said: “the constitution is a very long and complicated document”. The proposal to introduce these additional officers sparked off a huge debate amongst the Council, as students disagreed as to the need and purpose of the ‘liberation’ figures. While the NUS advises the implementation of these officials, and most universities in the UK already have them, some members of the council said that they would just result in increased bureaucracy and not affect long-term change. “No one is suggesting underrepresentation is not a problem, but this isn’t the answer,” said Harry Cole, the social and political studies school representative. “If we are not already representing these groups, then we are not doing our jobs well enough. We should step up and talk to these people but we don’t need to create elected officials.” However, Naomi Hunter, the sabbatical in charge of welfare within the University, said that she received
many emails daily from students who felt that they were not currently being represented in the student council. She said: “I don’t feel that we’re inclusive enough at the moment and I think it is disgraceful that people today - mostly white, straight men think that
“I don’t feel that we’re inclusive enough at the moment” Naomi Hunter, EUSA Vice-President Societies and Activities there is no discrimination on campus or in society. “When we host campaigns for certain groups, we need to know what needs they have and make sure they have a platform to voice their opinions. This debate needs to continue until underrepresented groups are more included.”
Other members of the SRC said they had not been given any evidence of underrepresentation and therefore did not understand the severity of the problem. “If students from these groups stood in elections, they would not be discriminated against and could be represented,” said Stephen Allison, a student representative. “The problem lies with student apathy and the solution is not to create token positions in the Council.” Thomas Graham, the external affairs convener, said that the electoral figures spoke for themselves, with only one quarter of the electorate being female, when women make up half the student body. “It appalls me that we are one of the only universities who completely disregards the need to represent certain people,” he said. “We need to make student council more accessible.” Graham said that while the motion cannot now go to the Annual General Meeting later in the month, it might be brought back at some point next semester.
Edinburgh student accommodation provider UNITE may have lost up to £6m in the Icelandic bank collapse, giving rise to fears of rent hikes, Student can reveal. The UK Student Accommodation Fund (USAF) has £30m deposited in Landsbanki, with Unite’s finances making up 20% of that sum, which amounts to 3.5% of Unite’s overall capital. If, as looks increasingly likely the money cannot be retrieved, this investment could have a serious impact upon students living in Unite accommodation. The company provides housing for over 39,000 students in 33 towns and cities across the UK. As Student revealed earlier this year, the University of Edinburgh has recently been forced to rent accommodation blocks from Unite after an unexpected rise in the number of first-year students meant that university halls could not accommodate them all. Unite offers student accommodation in various parts of Edinburgh, most notably the recent development of the Lady Nicholson building located across from George Square. Unite’s accommodation prices in Edinburgh range from £119-£178 per week, inclusive of bills. If Unite loses the money invested in Landsbanki, it is feared this could have a detrimental effect upon the University of Edinburgh’s first year undergraduate accommodation, as well as students who are looking for non-university owned accommodation in their further years of study. Last week, Unite were confident that the current economic crisis would not impact detrimentally on their business: The USAF was performing “strongly”, a spokesperson said, demonstrating “the resilience of student accommodation as an asset class” as values of commercial and residential properties plummet. Orla Murray, a first-year student living in Unite accommodation told Student: “Unite offers a higher quality of university accommodation, but it is more expensive. I think that the collapse will mean that Unite cannot guarantee that their prices will stay the same.”
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Week 7 04.11.08
Speculation begins over next Rector
What does the Rector do?
MP Gavin Strang (far left), has been confirmed as joint Labour and People & Planet candidate; Conservatives also suggested (L-R) Davis, Mitchell and Clarkson
James Ellingworth As nominations for the university’s rectorial elections opened on 3 November, Student can reveal that the university’s Labour Party will field Gavin Strang, Labour MP for Edinburgh East, as a joint candidate with the People & Planet pressure group. Strang is widely seen as being on the left of the Labour party and regularly speaks out on environmental issues, which is thought to have been a key factor in winning People & Planet’s support. Guy Bromley, current EUSA Vice President Academic Affairs, and a prominent member of the university Labour Party, said Strang would be “very committed, very much a students’ rector.” While no other candidates had been announced as this issue went to press, a prominent student conservative told Student that comedian David Mitchell, best known for his role as Mark in Peep Show, may well stand on behalf of the
Conservative Party. Others who have been mentioned as possible candidates include David Davis, the former Shadow Home Secretary famed for his stand against 42-day detention, who is also a staunch proponent of capital punishment.
“We are almost guaranteed to put up a high-profile candidate” Harry Cole, Chairman of Edinburgh University Conservatives Controversial TV presenter Jeremy Clarkson is thought to have considered running but decided against it due to the workload attached to the rectorship. Strang is a graduate of the university and is currently the longestserving Scottish MP, having been in the House of Commons since 1970.
Over the course of his career, he has been a minister under the Wilson and Callaghan governments of the 1970s, as well as a brief spell as Transport Minister from 19978, when he opposed road-building plans. Since then, he has voted against the war in Iraq and against university top-up fees. He has announced plans to stand down at the next election, which will occur during the next rector’s term in office. In a statement announcing Strang’s candidacy, Guy Bromley said: “Gavin Strang is a unity candidate who is not like any old Labour MP.” “His opposition to top-up fees, strong environmental credentials and strong track record standing up for his constituents make him the ideal students’ choice for rector.” “What’s more, Gavin’s a good guy and I’ll be delighted to campaign for him in the coming months,” he added. Harry Cole, president of the university’s Conservative and
Unionist Association, told Student: “Edinburgh Conservatives – the university’s most active political party society are still smarting from the Boris defeat three years ago and are almost guaranteed to put up a high-profile candidate, no doubt once again livening this race up no end.” Boris Johnson, now the Conservative Mayor of London, stood in the last rectorial elections in 2006. Thousands of pounds in EUSA funds were used to run a campaign against him, drawing criticism from many students. The current university rector is Mark Ballard, a former MSP for the Green Party. The rector is elected by the student body to chair the University Court, and can use this position to influence university policy. The university’s most famous former rector was Gordon Brown, who was a student when he was elected to the position in 1973.
The Rector’s primary role is to chair the University Court, which is the employer of the University of Edinburgh’s 7,000-odd staff and is in charge of the institution’s finances, property and legal representation. In addition to ceremonial duties, the Rector is a human face that people can turn to when the systems put in place by the university fail. Edinburgh Uni policy likens the position to that of an ‘ombudsperson’, bridging the gap between the university community and those that govern it.
Profile: Gavin Strang - Born 10 July 1943, Perthshire - PhD in Agricultural Science - Vocal Labour MP since 1970 - Margaret Cook, wife of the late MP Robin, once told The Sunday Times: “I recall Gavin offering a piece of advice as we all three sat in a pub clutching our pint glasses, to the effect that after a heavy night’s drinking one should always remember to empty one’s bladder before getting into the car to drive home. In the event of a car crash with abdominal injury, the risk of bladder rupture would thereby be minimised. I was speechless.”
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Carnage on the streets of Edinburgh Claims of promoting ‘responsible’ drinking challenged as notorious pub crawl steams into capital James Ellingworth Controversial alcoholfuelled event Carnage UK hit Edinburgh last Tuesday, drawing criticism following a night which saw hundreds of students out drinking in “Dirty Porn Star” fancy dress. The sell-out event, which has drawn heavy criticism from student bodies including EUSA and the Coalition Against Raising the Drinking Age in Scotland (CARDAS), passed off largely without incident, according to the Lothian and Borders Police. The Carnage UK event, which involved popular Edinburgh venues such as Oddfellows, Three Sisters and Lava Ignite, came a week after one in Swansea that ended in eight arrests and widespread reports of anti-social behaviour.
A Carnage UK statement says it promotes “responsible drinking”, with posters displayed in participating venues bearing the slogan, ‘Be safe; Stay safe; Think safe; Drink safe; Know your limits’. However, reports from the Edinburgh event seem to cast doubt on the organisation’s claims. Student understands that double measures of spirits could be purchased in one of the venues involved for as little as £2. Comments from participating students indicate that Carnage UK’s message of responsible drinking had not quite sunk in. When asked about responsible drinking, Murray McBride said: “To put in bluntly, they’re talking absolute rubbish.” At the time, he was wearing condoms pinned to his chest in the spirit of the “Dirty Porn Star” theme.
One student named Maddy said: “I have seen lots and lots of responsible drinking. I am very, very responsibly drunk.”
“I have seen lots and lots of responsible drinking, and I am very, very responsibly drunk” Maddy, Carnage UK participant Another reveller asked our reporter: “Can you find me someone to fight? My friend is a black belt in karate. He wants to fight and I want to help him.” Events like Carnage UK have been under the spotlight recently,
following high-profile criticism from CARDAS leader and former EUSA Vice-President Services Tom French, who attacked “irresponsible organisation whose sole purpose appears to be actively promoting binge drinking.” “Regardless of the drinking aspect, it’s fairly degrading, especially to young girls to influence them to dress down and do some of the things they are doing in the videos.” He added that the Scottish Government should look into “clamping down” on these events, rather than raising the drinking age. George Thomas, the current EUSA Vice-President Services, said: “We’ve banned organisation like Carnage and Student Night Out from using our students’ union buildings to promote their tasteless events, but they keep on coming
back and finding new ways to sell their booze fests to students – with worrying results.” “We’ve seen students on these tours getting dangerously drunk. [They are] putting young people in risky situations with the potential to cause serious health problems. Something needs to be done now to call time on these irresponsible binge tours.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Have you embarked on a night of organised carnage? If so, what can you remember of it? Share your experiences, opinions and hangover cures at:
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Week 7 04.11.08
News 3
Student
Edinburgh professor: Release Megrahi QC who contributed to Lockerbie bombing trial condemns treatment of cancer-stricken accused Rachel Hunt ROBERT BLACK QC, a professor of law at the University of Edinburgh and a key figure in setting up the Lockerbie bombing trial, has called for the release of the only man convicted for the attack. In light of the announcement this month that Libyan citizen Abdelbaset al-Megrahi had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, the law professor spoke out against government treatment of his appeal case. Black, Professor Emeritus of Scots Law at the university, has accused prominent Scottish legal figures of deliberately obstructing attempts to overturn what he cites as “the worst miscarriage of justice perpetrated by a Scottish criminal court”. Alongside lobbyists including former Labour MP and University of Edinburgh rector Tam Dallyell, and Dr. Jim Swire, spokesman for the UK Families Flight 103 Group, Black is pressing for the swift release of al-Megrahi, the Libyan agent convicted for the 1988 bombing in which 270 people died. Black argues that the early release is justified due to the “stark fact that he shouldn’t have been convicted in the first place,” adding that it should also be considered for the sake of the terminally-ill Megrahi and his family.
INJUSTICE: The wreckage after 1988’s Lockerbie bombing: a crime for which Professor Robert Black says Abdelbaset al-Megrahi should never have been convicted
Speaking to Student, the Professor called the delay in bringing the case to appeal “disgraceful”. “The Scottish Government has an opportunity now to treat him with compassion and dignity,” he added. However for many, in particular vocal relatives of the American victims of the disaster, talk of alMegrahi’s release is unacceptable. As yet, al-Megrahi’s legal team
have not made a formal request for release. Prof. Black highlights what he sees as efforts by the crown to delay the appeals process. Last month, al-Megrahi’s legal team secured a victory to admit evidence at his new appeal, due in 2009, that was not put before the court at his previous appeal in 2002. This development followed months of legal wrangling. It is this type of “delaying
Overseas students warned of losing flat deposits Samantha Groenestyn International students are running the risk of losing their tenancy deposits due to negligence on the part of UK universities, a deposit protection scheme has warned. The Government-approved group mydeposits.co.uk has said it is up to universities to ensure international students are aware of standard UK procedures when applying for tenancy so that their stay does not cost them more than it should. The responsibility is greater than ever, given that UK universities have admitted approximately 48, 000 international students this year - a number that looks set to grow according to current trends. The university is generally the first port of call for students who must arrange accommodation from outside the country, with many foreign students opting to stay in university accommodation to ease the transition. “I don’t really think they would rip me off,” Mona Chu, a second year student from Hong Kong,
told Student. Ms Chu, who is studying at the University of Edinburgh on exchange for one year, was placed in university flats and was unaware that her landlord was required to obtain a ‘Deposit Protection Certificate’ from a Governmentapproved scheme.
“Students could be at risk of not receiving a fair hearing when it comes to getting their deposit back” David Salusbury,
my deposits.co.uk
Like many other students in her position, Chu assumes that her halls are up to acceptable legal standards since they operate under the University of Edinburgh’s name. She continued: “I think that people who missed out on
University flats and who had to find private flats are more likely to have problems than us.” Her comments represent the sense of trust many overseas students place in the University to come good on its offer. But David Salusbury, Chairman of mydesposits.co.uk, has warned: “Without knowledge of the rules regarding tenancy deposit protection, students could be at risk of not receiving a fair hearing when it comes to getting their deposit back.” Set up in 2006, mydeposits. co.uk offers free services to tenants who are experiencing difficulties with their landlords and encourages all students to investigate whether their deposits are protected via their website. The group’s website states that though it is the landlord’s responsibility to ensure deposits are protected under a governmentapproved scheme, students would be doing themselves a favour if they found out of their own accord where they stood. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
tactic” that Black believes has been employed by both the Lord Advocate and Advocate General of Scotland to delay any such appeal reaching court. Al-Megrahi was originally tried on neutral territory in the Netherlands under Scots law in 1999, following years of concerted diplomatic effort to secure his extradition from Libya. The Libyan regime of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi was linked with
various terrorist causes throughout the 1970s and 80s, and recently agreed to pay $1.5bn into a fund to compensate US victims of attacks, although it still refuses to take responsibility. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
>>
Read Prof. Robert Black’s thoughts on the case in Comment, page 11
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Student
Week 7 04.11.08
MSP’s mission for Mary’s remains Patrick Andelic A Nationalist MSP has begun a parliamentary campaign to have the body of Mary, Queen of Scots returned to Scotland. Scottish National Party MSP Christine Grahame has tabled a motion to this effect, and has written to the Scottish Culture Minister, Linda Fabiani, requesting government support. The motion declares the sixteenth century queen to be “an iconic historical figure and ultimately the victim of English plotting” and suggests Falkland Palace, Fife, “a place where Mary is believed to have spent her happiest days,” as an alternative final resting place. Grahame told Student that she hopes such a campaign would rekindle interest in Scottish history, particularly the life of Mary and her relationship with her cousin, Elizabeth I, saying “there’s kind of a caricature of that period.” She continued that she would like to see Scottish students looking with fresh eyes at “two very political women, and at an extraordinary time for these two women’s paths to cross.” She added that, though this was not the primary motivation behind the campaign, the return of Mary’s body would have a positive impact on Scottish tourism. Ms. Grahame first became involved with the campaign after being approached by The Sunday Times, who were covering a petition by the Catholic historian, Frank Dougan to have the remains
Flickr user: Nick in exsilio
First Minister Alex Salmond at the opening of the Informatics Forum earlier this year returned to Scotland. According to Ms. Grahame, the move has drawn “warm support and even hotter condemnation from some quarters.” The campaign has already received backing from the composer James MacMillan and the Catholic Church in Scotland. It also appears to have found some resonance with the public imagination, and Ms. Grahame
commented that considerable support has even come in from “Scots who are part of the diaspora.” However, some have accused Ms. Grahame of a political stunt, among them the former Scottish Office Minister, Brian Wilson, who said: “I doubt if many people are interested in carting corpses around Britain.” After six turbulent years as Queen of Scotland, Mary was
Optimism over Climate Bill Adam Nicholas Environmental groups have been celebrating a string of Government announcements that will strengthen the Climate Change Bills currently going through the Holyrood and Westminster Parliaments. In his September reshuffle, Gordon Brown won praise for creating a new Department for Energy and Climate Change (DECC). Previously, the issues were split between the environment and business departments and it is hoped the merger may lead to a more focused approach. Then two weeks ago Ed Miliband, the new Cabinet Minister responsible for the DECC raised the overall 2050 target for emissions reduction from 60 per cent to 80 per cent. The following day, the SNP Government in Scotland announced that its Climate Bill, which already has an 80 per cent target, will now include not just carbon but all six greenhouse gases, and also Scotland’s share of emissions from international aviation and shipping. Finally this week, Ed Miliband bowed to pressure and has also included aviation and shipping in the UK Bill. Campaign-
ers were delighted with the moves, which at times were said to look as if the Scottish and UK Governments were competing for the claim to have the most ambitious law. Ruth Dawkins, a former EUSA President and now Scottish coordinator of the Stop Climate Chaos Coalition described it as an ‘enormous success’.
“The Scottish Government are now promising the best climate change legislation in the world” Ruth Dawkins, Stop Climate Chaos Coalition Commenting on apparent Government rivalry, she said: “We will have to wait and see the full detail of the Bill, but what the Scottish Government are now promising amounts to the best climate change legislation in the world”. Nigel Griffiths, Labour MP for
Edinburgh South, was at the forefront of negotiations between environmentalists and the Government. Motions and amendments in his name attracted the support of hundreds of MPs, putting pressure on the Government to accept the core demands of a number of campaigning groups, including those based at Edinburgh University. One environmental campaigner said that Mr Griffiths would now be under pressure to make his views clearer on issues such as Heathrow airport expansion and the building of new coal-fuelled power stations: ‘This is now a much-improved framework which needs to shift the whole focus of Government towards reducing emissions. However, it will be meaningless if they continue to make carbon hungry decisions on roads, airports and power stations that will put us on entirely the wrong track going forward’. The Climate Bill in Westminster will become law shortly but its equivalent in Scotland must first be scrutinised by the Holyrood Parliament. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
forced to abdicate the throne in 1567. Fleeing, perhaps unwisely, to England she spent the next twenty years imprisoned on the orders of her cousin Elizabeth I, who considered the Catholic monarch a threat. In 1587, having been tricked into declaring her support for a plot against Elizabeth, Mary was convicted of treason and beheaded at Fotheringay Castle.
She was initially buried at Peterborough Cathedral before her son, King James VI of Scotland and I of England, had her reinterred at Westminster Abbey in 1612. A spokesman for Westminster Abbey commenting on the remains said: “That is a responsibility which the Abbey takes very seriously, and the body has remained in our care ever since.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
UofE going green Susan Leighton EDINBURGH UNIVERSITY was in the spotlight over green issues last week, as the university’s forging of a major renewable energy agreement coincided with a meeting between climate change researchers and the Universities Secretary, John Denham. A new deal has been set up between the university and the EDF Group, one of the UK’s largest energy companies, which will enable a major collaboration in the development of wave and tidal current energy. The five-year agreement will mean that research began by the university into renewable forms of energy will be advanced by the resources of EDF, which currently employs around 13,000 people and provides energy to over 5 million customers in the UK. It is hoped that this partnership will allow improvements in the output, efficiency and distribution of sustainable energy. Peter Hofman, Director Sustainable Future for EDF Energy said: “We are delighted to be partnering with such a leading scientific establishment as the University of Edinburgh.
We are looking forward to working together on renewable energy technologies, a subject that is of critical importance to our company.”John Denham, the current Secretary of State for Innovation, Universities and Skills, arrived at the university last Thursday to meet with researchers from the recently established Edinburgh Climate Change Centre. The centre, a joint effort between Edinburgh and Heriot-Watt Universities, will use the institutions’ combined expertise not only in science, but also in economics, business and law to explore possible solutions to climate change. Edinburgh University’s Dr Martin Siegert said, “In order to tackle the problem of climate change effectively, we need to consider not only the scientific issues, but the wider picture of how it affects society and the economy. “The Edinburgh Centre for Climate Change will expand the scope of research to bring a fresh perspective on how best to approach the issue.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
News 5
HALLOWE’EN, PAGAN STYLE: Last Friday saw Parliament Square come alive, as a cavalcade of performance artists took to the streets of Edinburgh to celebrate Samhuinn. The festival, which celebrates the coming of Winter has a strong association with death - as Pagan’s believe the barren vegetation at this time of year suggests nature itself is dying. Therefore traditional rituals are acted out on Halloween. as this was believed to be the night of the dead - a time for the spirits of the departed from the last year to pay one last visit to their relatives before departing for the other-world forever. Photo: Julia Sanches
Edinburgh ‘city of 2020’ Stefan Hyman According to a recent global survey, Edinburgh will be one of the twenty most desirable cities to live in by 2020. The results were published last week by the US environmental and ethical think-tank Ethisphere. The study assessed a wide range of factors including environmental policy, health and recreational facilities, transport, housing, business development, education, arts and culture.
Edinburgh figured in the list of the ten most desirable ‘mid-range cities’, that is, those with a population of less than 600,000 inhabitants. Other cities in this category included Helsinki and Oslo. London was the only other UK city that featured in the study, earning the accolade of one of the ten most desirable ‘large’ cities of 2020. Edinburgh was praised for its “harmony of man and nature” due to the relationship between environment and business making it “sustainable”.
By 2020 Edinburgh is likely to be one of the twenty most desirable cities to live in
The authors paid tribute to city council leaders for their encouragement of growth of local businesses whilst not compromising the “unique qualities of the city”. Specific mention was made of the city’s recycling programme, with rates of recycling having increased fivefold between 2002 and 2007. Councillor Jenny Dawe, who welcomed the results of the survey, laid out the City of Edinburgh Council’s intentions for the future: “We want to be leading the most successful and sustainable city region in northern Europe by 2015, helping to maintain an excellent quality of life and competing with the best in the world. That’s an ambitious target, but it’s also achievable and we have to aim high with the outstanding assets Edinburgh has.” Ron Hewitt, chief executive of the Edinburgh Chamber of Commerce, highlighted business growth in the region: “Our unique mix of partnership working, the highest level of education in our workforce, strong universities and innovative businesses in a number of important sectors means we are constantly reinventing our capital city and its future”.
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Economic crisis sees rise in Edinburgh post-grad applications Alexander Kingsland The economic downturn is leading to an increase in demand for a number of postgraduate university courses. As compared to last year’s figures, the University of Edinburgh has experienced a 17 per cent rise in postgraduate numbers, with many of these understood to be finance employees heading back to university to gain new qualifications. At a time when competition for jobs is becoming increasingly tight, and good career opportunities are decreasing in number, many workers are looking to gain qualifications that will give them an edge when job hunting. Past periods of economic turbulence have often seen rises in the number of applications to higher education. MBA degrees in particular have seen this effect, boosted by their reputation as practical and internationally respected business qualifications. The Association of Business Schools has found a notable rise in demand for degrees at universities across the country. While some question the true cause of this trend, it appears to be reasonably widespread, with
universities abroad experiencing a similar increases. The increase has been mirrored in the US, with the New York Times reporting increases in attendance at NYU’s Stern School of Business. Also stateside, The Graduate Management Admission Council found the number of people taking the management admissions test, which is often a key factor in applications to MBA degrees, to be up 11.6 per cent compared to last year. Alongside business qualifications, there has also been a reported rise in interest in other types of degrees by people previously involved in finance and business but who now wish for a career change. Speaking to the Scotsman, University of Edinburgh principle Timothy O’Shea said: “When economic times worsen and unemployment goes up, the demand for postgraduate courses goes up too. After the dotcom bubble burst there were some people who were maybe trained as computer scientists who changed direction, and you’ll find the same with financial workers now.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
6 News
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
Scots of the Antarctic fly south Patrick Andelic
Katy Kennedy
SCOTS ON THE ROCKS: Edinburgh scientists aim to analyse the physical makeup of the Antarctic
SCIENTISTS FROM the University of Edinburgh are to be the first ever to map the landscape of East Antarctic in detail. The four-year project is being led by scientists from the Universities of Edinburgh and Texas, with the cooperation of the Australian Antarctic Division. The team will fly over the region using a heavily modified Douglas DC-3 aircraft, which will use highresolution radar and other instruments to gauge the thickness of the ice and examine the composition of the rocks beneath. It is hoped that the findings from this £3million study will fill one of the largest gaps in scientists’ knowledge of Antarctica, thus advancing the understanding of climate change and helping to forecast future rises in sea levels. Professor Martin Siegert, Head of the School of GeoSciences and a joint leader of the study, told Student, “It’s exploration, it’s adventure, and it’s exciting, but there are sound scientific reasons for undertaking this project.” “Satellite measurements are showing that the ice sheet surface is lowering, and has been doing so for the last ten years, and we need to know why. We’re worried about these small changes.” Professor Siegert said that previ-
ous research of this nature had been undertaken but was halted in the 1970s. “In the 1970s the U.K was the leader in long range air exploration,” commented Professor Siegert. “They covered over 40 per cent of the ice sheet, but they left data gaps.” It is now possible to resume research because the Australians have built an airstrip that can be used for this project. The data gathering will take place over three Antarctic seasons, and it is expected that work will begin in December this year. According to Professor Siegert, this is only one of the projects that he is hoping to see realised in the near future. Beneath the Antarctic ice sheet there are more than 145 subglacial lakes. These lakes represent unique biological habitats, and it is hoped that by drilling, sampling and studying these lakes remotely more information can be amassed about that life that dwells there. Lake Ellsworth in West Antarctica is well suited for such a study and a £7m proposal to explore this lake is currently under review. “It’s a very exciting time at the moment” said Professor Siegert, “It’s lovely to see all these projects coming to fruition.” Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
Private schools State schools uninformed ‘not charities’ Jordan Campbell
Matt Oldfield EDINBURGH’S MERCHISTON Castle School is one of four leading Scottish private schools that has been told this week that it must improve its community service or risk losing its charitable status. The Office of the Scottish Charitable Regulator (OSCR) has ruled that the boys’ school, which is located on the outskirts of Edinburgh, is not doing enough to help poorer students. Also under scrutiny is Hutchesons’ Grammar in Glasgow. The OSCR’s verdict is part of a wider scheme to put more pressure on British private schools to justify their charitable status. New rules state that private schools must make clear their charitable aims, and serve a wider cross-section of society. The ruling comes despite the fact that Conservative peer Lord Laidlaw gave £1 million to Merchiston Castle in 2007 to create the “Laidlaw Awards”, which offer up to 100% discounts for “boys who are talented, but whose circumstances would not allow them to fund the School fees.” These awards are a part of what Merchiston describes as its “com-
mitment to broadening access to the school”. However, current figures suggest that only 16 of the 437 pupils are on these bursaries and only 4 of these have 100% support. The regulator ruled that this level of support was not enough “to mitigate the exclusory impact of the fees”, which currently stand at over £16,000 a year. The school must now work on its bursary schemes over the next twelve months, or face being stripped of its all-important charitable status. Charitable status gives UK Charities a number of tax exemptions and reliefs on income, gains and profits. Charities do not have to pay business rates or VAT and this saves Scotland’s 50 charitable private schools an estimated £4.5 million each year. It is predicted that the loss of that charitable status could result in fee rises of up to 8%. Merchiston Castle says that it is disappointed by the results of the OSCR review but has vowed to work hard on addressing its criticisms immediately. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
A DAMNING report has claimed that poor advice in state schools prevents pupils from poorer backgrounds from progressing to university. The Sutton Trust, which works towards improving social mobility, warned that the system has not improved and that “inadequate and inappropriate” guidance is resulting in “swathes” of youngsters not achieving their full potential. The report claimed that those in state schools and from underprivileged backgrounds who receive little support are facing a “cul-de-sac” of opportunity without the right guidance on their future. The report found that only half of 16-17 years old found the careers and higher education guidance they received at school to have been help-
ful and that two-thirds of pupils had not received enough information regarding the link between course choices and future employment implications. It comes in addition to the “increasingly complex” process of applying to competitive universities, which without solid information about how to choose the right pathway can be extremely difficult. It was also revealed that many state schools view the provision of higher education guidance as a low priority. The report proposes that support and guidance should be targeted early, at the end of primary school or the very beginning of secondary education, and that every school should have a lead teacher responsible for the higher education system. James Turner, Policy Director of the Sutton Trust, said: “The fear
is that too many are making illinformed choices early on, which effectively put them out of the running for certain university choices and careers later in life.” The results come as a blow to the Government, which has made greater university inclusion for pupils a major policy, with the aim of having 50 per cent of pupils going onto higher education by 2010. Higher Education minister David Lammy said: “We must ensure that the most talented and hard-working children and young people are given every chance to achieve their full potential, whatever their background.” He also noted that the report’s recommendations would be accepted as part of the Government’s ongoing work on education policy. Contact news@studentnewspaper.org
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8 Features
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Week 7 04.11.08
Photo: Flickr
Fun Funerals? Un-bereave-able.
From freeze-dried corpsicles and �������������������������������������������������������������������������������� flaming funereal longboats to orbit-bound urns and pineapple-shaped coffins, Lyle Brennan casts a sensitive eye over the rights and wrong of conventional burials
I
t’s late August 2005 and 153ft above Aspen, Colorado, there’s a giant two-thumbed fist perched atop an enormous chrome cannon. Dylan’s ‘Mr. Tambourine Man’ plays as, chased by a flourish of multicoloured fireworks, a small canister is launched skywards from the fist before exploding above the heads of Hollywood’s finest. Inside that canister are the earthly remains of Hunter S. Thompson, pioneer of gonzo journalism and mastermind of ‘the grandest celebration on the planet’. Really puts the old church hall and ‘Candle in the Wind’ approach to shame, doesn’t it? A reluctance to break from tradition and a common ‘just in case’ perspective on the afterlife have meant that burial ceremonies are for the most part still steeped in superstition, ceremony and – let’s face it – banality. But with religion gradually losing its monopoly on death and opportunistic businesses cashing in on bereavement, things are becoming a little more interesting. It’s easy to see how this came about. You spend your life establishing and developing something resembling an identity, a personality, and then it’s all snuffed out in an instant. All that’s left is one opportunity to sum it all up and for many, black ties, dour ministers and oak coffins just won’t cut it. A fitting farewell requires a little more imagination and fortunately there’s plenty in the way of inspiration out there. Thompson may have had nearly thirty years of planning and Johnny Depp’s millions at his disposal but even those of us burying on a budget can afford a little explosive grandeur.
For around £250, Heavenly Stars Fireworks in Essex will pack a sample of the departed’s ashes into a small arsenal of rockets and Roman candles, leaving you to launch them from the
“Rumours started in this article state that 50 Cent had a rival gang incinerated and turned into a diamondstudded ‘pimp goblet’.” comfort of your back garden. Perhaps not the most sensitive send-off for a ham-fisted bomb disposal technician, but nonetheless a strangely poetic alternative to dumping your loved ones in a muddy hole. Providing there’s enough ash and money left over, you can then have what remains of your nearest and dearest turned into a fashion accessory. Sussex-based company LifeGem offers to convert the carbon found in human ashes into a synthetic diamond, allowing you to transform your granny into bling for a little over two grand. Through a complex process of compressing and heating the ash, LifeGem forms a stone of your chosen size and colour, giving you the option to have it mounted onto jewellery. ������������������������ Rumours started in this article state that 50 Cent once had a rival gang incinerated and turned into a diamond-studded ‘pimp goblet’. Stretch the budget further and you don’t even have to be buried on this planet. Such was the destiny of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry and acid-guzzling space cadet Timothy
Leary, both of whom had a sample of their ashes released into orbit in 1997. The ingenious designs of Space Services Inc. allow for a tiny capsule of ashes to float in the earth’s gravitational field, potentially for hundreds of years, before eventually burning up in the atmosphere like a shooting star. Except of course when they don’t make it that far, as was the case this August, when the failure of a Falcon 1 rocket led to the remains of 208 people (including Star Trek’s James ‘Scotty’ Doohan) dropping off the radar. If all this talk of smoky explosives, pollutant incineration and inefficient space travel has left the more ecologically preoccupied among you gnashing your teeth, there’s hope yet. In Sweden, Promessa Organic has found a novel alternative to carbon-emitting cremations and environmentally harmful embalming fluids: freeze-dry the corpse like the raspberries in your cereal and then shatter it into an eco-friendly fine powder. After being dunked in liquid nitrogen, the brittle body is broken down by sound waves, conveniently becoming an effective fertiliser along the way. Mourners are then able to grow a tree from the remains, providing a nice neat metaphor for the cycle of death and rebirth. It’s not known whether anyone has opted for a vegetable patch instead, although the idea of a cycle of death, rebirth and organic cabbages holds a certain pseudo-cannibalistic appeal. Of course, that’s not the only Scandinavian innovation when it comes to burials. Endel Opik, brother of misfit Liberal Democrat MP Lembit, was a 6ft 8in blonde goth known to his friends as Tal Stoneheart. After
succumbing to pneumonia aged 37, his wish for a traditional Viking funeral was granted…in Whitby, North Yorkshire. Hundreds looked on as a replica longboat, soaked in accelerant and holding Opik’s ashes, artwork and synthesizer, was cast seaward and set ablaze by flaming arrows. If the Viking connotations of rape, pillage and bearskin are bit much, there are plenty of other foreign cultures whose influence could help to give your send-off a unique flavour. Take the jazz band processions of New Orleans or the Ghanaian tradition of themed coffins that could see you buried in a giant pineapple or beer bottle. For the truly unconventional, you could always try the Zoroastrian approach found in some parts of India, in which the body is left as carrion for scavenging birds. Whether or not the City of Edinburgh Council or the local pigeons will go for it is another matter.
“But spare a thought for the unfortunate relative sobbing uncontrollably into his Chewbacca mask” But what of the consequences of such overblown, exotic gestures of remembrance? Speak to some of your more ‘eccentric’ friends, those who live life with tongue in cheek and/or head up arse; you’re bound to find at least one who, when speculating about their own funeral, will say something along the lines of, “I just want it to be a big party, with everyone dressed in crazy costumes. Celebrating life, not
mourning death, y’know?” False shows of flippancy in the face of death aside, there’s a definite selfishness there. It’s all very well that you want a Star Wars themed funeral but spare a thought for that unfortunate bereaved relative, too loyal not to play along but all the while sobbing inconsolably into his Chewbacca mask. After all, who benefits more from a funeral - the friends and family seeking comfort and closure or the 170-odd pounds of dead meat in the wooden box? That said, delegating all control to relatives can be a risky business. Yes, you may be young and carefree but there’s no harm in dropping a few hints so that, if that bacon roll does go down the wrong way, there’s no chance of yours being just another nondescript service. Some of us, sadly, just don’t get a say in the matter. One of this summer’s most depressing Internet findings was the funeral of Annabelle Lotus Krawczyk, who died just minutes after birth. A tragedy in itself, but when you consider that both of her parents were ‘juggalos’ (die-hard fans of Detroit ‘horrorcore’ duo, Insane Clown Posse), things go from bad to truly repugnant. Cue photos of mother, ‘Juggalo Julz’ and father, ‘Druggalo JK47’ standing over a tiny casket emblazoned with garish band logos. Then there are the numerous MySpace tributes, such as the bewildering ‘Death dont want no Juggalo Evil orbs and spirits leave my daughter alone’. Google if you dare. So let that be a warning to you. Make it personal, have some input and be adventurous -but do try to keep it vaguely tasteful. At the end of the day, it’s your funeral.
1. Cut out your candidates and special Democracy Spinner, found on page 6, using safety scissors (ask an adult to help you) 2. Take turns spinning the spinner and moving your candidates.
3. You must land on all of the blue corner squares, and fulfill their requirements before moving on. 4. If you roll a number that would take you beyond a corner
square without landing on it, you must count up to the corner, then count the remainder of your roll backwards. 5. Lead with honour and wisdom!
10 Features
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
Student Features
Borderline Terrorism Reporting from the streets of Syria, Ed Ballard examines the recent American cross-border attacks, and asks why they’ve chosen now to step over the line
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Photos: Tomáš Halda
ith everyone focused on today’s election, as they have been for what seems like a good three-quarters of this Presidential term, it’s easy to forget about the current occupant of the White House. But George W. Bush is still knocking around, and clearly thinking hard about how best to use his last days in office. Well, not that hard. In fact his administration is sticking to what it knows best: stirring up trouble in the Middle East. The motivation behind America’s controversial helicopter attack last week, which left eight locals dead, is unclear. Apparently targeting a terrorist smuggling operation in the small Syrian town of Abu Kamal, five miles from the Iraqi border, the attack has Arab and other commentators accusing America violating Syrian sovereignty in breach of international law. According to the few Washington sources to have commented, the attack was a success, killing Abu Ghadiya and several of his associates: Al-Qaeda operatives responsible for illegally ferrying guerrilla fighters into Iraq over the porous Syrian border. Things are seen very differently in Syria: the state-run media agency, SANA, reports that all eight of the casualties, who reportedly came from a single impoverished household engaged on a construction project, were completely unconnected with terrorism. The attack has been characterised as an illegal invasion; the outraged media refers to the casualties as martyrs. No Syrians that I have spoken to believe that any more than one of the victims was a terrorist; most think all were innocent; all accuse America of stupidity or wanton malice. In any case, the question isn’t whether or not America would interfere violently and unilaterally within the borders of another sovereign country. In fact, the one statement to emerge from the Pentagon asserts America’s right to do exactly that: If Syria doesn’t “clean up the global threat in its own back yard”, an anonymous official said in justification of the attack, America “will be left with no choice but to take these matters into our own hands”. What’s confusing is the timing of the attack, which comes just weeks after General David Petraeus, commander of American forces in Iraq, praised Syrian efforts to tighten up the border. At the time, he said that the number of fighters crossing the border had dropped from one hundred to twenty per month. For its part, the Syrian government claims to have prevented five thousand potential terrorists from crossing the border since the War began. America has not made such an ostentatious
attack since the outbreak of the war. Even then, they only ventured onto Syrian territory in cases when they were pursuing insurgents over the border, a circumstance which lends a patina of legitimacy. Why would this happen now? One explanation tentatively put forward is that it was a political manoeuvre designed to help John McCain drag the presedential debate away from the economy, an area where Obama polls favourably, back towards the war. The extraordinary violence of the raid, which involved four helicopters and twenty commandos, could also be seen as deliberately provocative: perhaps the Republican adminstration was expecting some violent response -a chopper shot down, or just some simple flag burning- in order to provoke some useful outrage back at home. If this was the plan, events since the attack seem to have made it a failure: aside from criticizing America’s violation of their territorial integrity, the Syrian government has refrained from inflammatory language. President Assad’s recent efforts to make friends in the West –the reinstation of official links with Lebanon, unofficial talks with Israel, not to mention some chummy behavior with French
Outrage “a local asked where we were from: hearing ‘America’, he just spat”
President Sarkozy– are too important to be ruined. The other usual suspects in the region -the Iranian government, Hezbollah- have also refrained from any violent rhetoric which might worry American voters. Also, the ‘spontaneous’ but very official demonstrations in Damascus were almost unnaturally peaceful. When questioned, the protesters explained their opposition to America’s belligerence, but some also revealed that they had been encouraged to come, with one student of Damascus University saying her class had been cancelled to make students take to the streets. Others reported that busloads of protesters had been shipped into the capital from rural areas. The protest dispersed before even reaching the nearby American embassy. Great pains were taken, in other words, to ensure that the protest would offer no ammunition to the foreign media. Meanwhile, McCain’s attempts to capitalize on the attack seem more like opportunism than a thought-out strategy: he claimed that this important operation would not have been
sanctioned by a wussy Obama administration, and criticised Obama’s expressed intention to encourage diplomatic relations between the Syria and the US. However, McCain ended up being branded a hypocrite: he previously opposed similar crossborder raids into Pakistan, which occurred in Taliban-controlled areas where the principal of sovereignty was less clearly violated. Obama, on the other hand, supported the Pakistani incursions. Considering McCain’s apparent failure to score political points, perhaps the timing is coincidental: maybe the attack was a warning to Iran, or a even the Bush administration’s way of bidding farewell to Assad’s regime, which has been a constant irritant to them. In any case, the attack is concordant with a trend in American foreign policy. Much like recent cross-border raids carried out by unmanned drones in Pakistan, which have killed scores, and similar attacks in Yemen and Somalia, last week’s operation is covered by a blanket authorisation of cross-border raids, reportedly agreed upon in July. This allegedly allows violation of other countries sovereignty in cases of “self-defence”. So would this disregard for international law be reversed in the event of an Obama presidency? Probably not. Diplomacy will increase, and perhaps Petraeus will get his wish, recently stymied by the Pentagon, to be allowed into Syria to talk about the security situation there. But Obama won’t cancel America’s right to pre-emptive self-defence in foreign countries. A depressing fact: the man favoured by his foreign-policy advisers to take the job of Foreign Secretary is current incumbent Robert Gates. When asked recently about the legality of the new cross-border raids, Gates replied that he was “not an expert on international law”, and that he didn’t consider it his responsibility. And beneath all the big questions of policy and regional stability, there is the depressing reality that the attack has reminded people that they hate America. Yesterday I played football with other students from my language school, and a local asked where we were all from. We reeled off our many nationalities: hearing “America”, he just spat. Another friend is likely to lose his job teaching English at the American Cultural Centre, an institution which fosters communication and maybe even good-will between Americans and Syrians, and which will probably be closed due to security fears. Not major problems - in neither case were any innocent people killed unlawfully - but unnecessary ones.
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
Comment 11
Comment
Harriet Brisley
Crumbling Pillars of Justice A miscarriage of justice: Professor Robert Black QC calls for courage and humanity in Mr Megrahi’s case
“Abdelbaset Megrahi has been shabbily delt with by the Scottish criminal justice system. That system now has an opportunity now to treat him with compassion and dignity ”
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ince 31 January 2001 -- the day the guilty verdict against Abdelbaset Megrahi was announced by the Scottish Court at Camp Zeist – I have made no secret of my belief in his innocence. His conviction, on the evidence led at the trial, was nothing short of astonishing. It constitutes, in my view, the worst miscarriage of justice perpetrated by a Scottish criminal court since the conviction of Oscar Slater in 1909. It is important to remember that one – by far the most important – of the grounds on which the Scottish Criminal Cases Review Commission held that there might have been a miscarriage of justice in Mr Megrahi’s case was its view that no reasonable court could have reached the conclusion that the Lockerbie court did on a matter absolutely central to its reasons for convicting. The SCCRC said: “[T]he Commission formed the view that there is no reasonable basis in the trial court’s judgment for its conclusion that the purchase of the items from Mary’s House [which were in the suitcase that also contained the bomb] took place on 7 December 1988. Although it was proved that the applicant was in Malta on several occasions in December 1988, in terms of the evidence 7 December was the only date on which he would have had the opportunity to purchase the items. The
finding as to the date of purchase was therefore important to the trial court’s conclusion that the applicant was the purchaser. Likewise, the trial court’s conclusion that the applicant was the purchaser was important to the verdict against him. Because of these factors the Commission has reached the view that the requirements of the legal test may be satisfied in the applicant’s case.” But even if there were not overwhelming grounds for doubting the justifiability of the court’s verdict, there are other reasons for pressing for his release from prison, given his recent diagnosis of late-stage, untreatable prostate cancer. The first of these reasons is compassion and humanity. There is a practice within the Scottish Prison Service of releasing a prisoner who has only three months to live. We none of us know whether that stage has been reached in the progression of Mr Megrahi’s illness. But is it really necessary for those in whose power the decision lies to wait until they are certain that that point has arrived? This particular prisoner finds himself incarcerated in a foreign country whose culture is alien to him. His sense of isolation at this time and the psychological strain on him must be greater than what would be suffered by a Scottish prisoner in a Scottish jail. Would it not be both ap-
propriate as well as merciful for this to be recognized by the Scottish authorities? Secondly, the delay in bringing Mr Megrahi’s current appeal to the hearing stage has been appalling. Had a measure of urgency been shown, it is entirely conceivable that the appeal could have been over before now and the appellant back with his wife and children in his own country, a free man. The SCCRC had his case under consideration for more than three years before referring it back to the High Court. The submission made to them was long and detailed. But the issue of the trial court’s unreasonable findings, mentioned above, is a very simple and straightforward one and required virtually no investigation other that a perusal of the relevant portions of the transcript of evidence. If the SCCRC decided early in its deliberations that the case was going to have to be referred back on this ground – and it is difficult to believe that it did not – then delaying taking that step for three years is hard to justify. Then there is the delay that has occurred after the SCCRC referred the case to the High Court in June 2007. More than sixteen months have passed since then. More than thirteen months have passed since the first
procedural hearing in the new appeal was held. More than ten months have passed since the appellant’s full written grounds of appeal were lodged with the court. Why has no date yet been fixed for the hearing of the appeal? Why does it now seem impossible that the appeal can be heard and a judgement delivered by the twentieth anniversary of the disaster on 21 December 2008? The answer is simple: because the Crown, in the person of the Lord Ad-
Lockerbie bombing December 21st 1988: Pan Am Flight103 crashed onto Lockerbie near the Scottish borders. Abdelbaset ali Mohmed alMegrahi was jailed for life in January 2001 under Scottish law.
vocate, and the United Kingdom Government, in the person of the Advocate General for Scotland, have been resorting to every delaying tactic in the book, and where a particular obstructionist wheeze is not in the book, have been asking the court to rewrite the book to insert it. These tactics include, to name but a few, raising difficulties about allowing the appellant access to productions used at the original trial; seeking to overturn previous appeal court decisions on the scope of the appeal in SCCRC references; and claiming public interest immunity on “national security” grounds in respect of documents which have been in the hands of the Crown for more than twelve years and which have been seen by the SCCRC. The judges on a number of occasions have expressed disquiet at the Crown’s dilatoriness; but have so far done little, if anything, meaningful to curb it. Abdelbaset Megrahi has been shabbily dealt with by the Scottish criminal justice system. That system now has an opportunity now to treat him with compassion and dignity. I, for one, hope that it has the moral courage to seize it. Robert Black is an Emeritus Proffessor at University of Edinburgh School of Law. comment@studentnewspaper.org
Student
12 Comment
Week 7 04.11.08
Comment
Warning: may contain tomatoes Attack of the healthy tomatoes: Matthew Hartfield explores the latest miracle cancer cure and the haze that surrounds scientific research in the mainstream media
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t is a truth, universally acknowledged, that when a news story breaks regarding a novelty food then the Daily Mail will splash it on its front page. Hence their headlines last week screaming “Purple ‘super-tomato’ that can fight against cancer”; matched by the Daily Express’ “Purple tomato can beat cancer” and the BBC’s more restrained “Purple tomato ‘may boost health”. The gist of these stories was based on a recent development in bioengineering, where genes from the snapdragon flower were incorporated into tomatoes, which subsequently developed high levels of the anthocyanin antioxidant pigment. Such tomatoes were fed on mice that were highly susceptible to cancer; it was found that they then experienced a significantly longer lifespan. Doesn’t it sound wonderful? Well, I wouldn’t hold your breath; you might turn as purple as the tomatoes yourself whist waiting for their appearance in supermarkets. This research story has unfortunately fallen foul of the media’s general obsession with ‘miracle cures’ and ‘superfoods’, who have again taken a preliminary study and extrapolated the results, implying that the social consequences are a lot more significant than they actually are. This is worrying, as it deals a great amount of damage to the public perception of science. First, this is a pilot study which has suggested that these tomatoes can help prevent cancer. This is a preliminary result, and is far from
proving that these tomatoes are effective in humans. Much more work needs to be undertaken before the efficacy of anthocyanin antioxidants can be determined. Let’s humour this idea for a second, and assume that such tomatoes really do help prevent cancer. In the study itself it was stated that the levels of antioxidant present were comparable to those found in other comment fruits, such as blackberries and blueberries. So if one would want to confer the same health benefits now, it can easily be done by eating a variety of existing fruits,
and by drinking red wine in moderation. This idea is not discussed; instead the theme in all these stories is that crazy scientists are creating scary foods using long-winded words which the plebs cannot understand. Considering that the heart of science pertains to the clear discussion of new ideas, I cannot think of a greater offence than this. In a rush to pander to the reader’s selfish health fears, some of the more important aspects of the research have been completely overlooked. I have read of the research paper - yes my life is that exciting
- and it raised some excellent points not mentioned in the press. This work has shown that it is possible for genes to be inserted into foods to generate higher levels of a certain vitamin or mineral, which could help counter specific (as opposed to general) health problems. Here in Scotland, it has been suggested that the long, wet days contribute to a vitamin D deficiency which has health implications. There is now a possibility of creating more vitamin D rich foods that can prevent this particular problem, but again this needs to be tested first.
Zeenath Ul Islam
Tomatoes were chosen because of their worldwide prevalence and ability to stimulate vitamin growth. Hence, if this work can be applied to human health, foods can be cultivated worldwide which can help improve the diet of some of the most impoverished nations on the planet, with little further maintenance. On the morning that the story broke, geneticist Steve Jones was on BBC radio discussing the ‘fun-factor’ associated with such foods. Brightly coloured fruit and vegetables could encourage children to eat more healthily; surely only the sourest of men would complain at measure that will encourage the young to eat a balanced diet. Were any of these issues discussed in the news? The problem is that unfortunately, the aim of these stories is not to clarify, which is the ultimate aim of science, but to baffle with technicality. They also tend to ignore the key issues of the studies in order to reduce them down to base health stories. The biggest fear for me is that it gives the impression that we as a society have given up the war against bad diet and are relying on a miracle cure. Healthy eating is not hard: eat your greens, purples in this case, and lay off the kebabs. If you’re stuck sitting on a sweaty sofa, munching Doritos and smoking 20 Silk Cut a day, then you need more then a few tomatoes to reverse your bad health. comment@studentnewspaper.org
Teenage kicks, intelligence dips Maddie Battersby delves into the dumbing-down debate
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It was better in my day..” that hackneyed phrase used by elders, politicians and parents paints a glaze of rose-tinted perfection over the past and reduces today’s youngster to nothing more than grubby delinquents. However, recent research reveals that their criticism may be fully justified. A group of educational experts conducted a recent study of 800 teenagers, putting them through theirn apparently slow paces on the Pendulum test, and comparing their results with those of 1976. The Pendulum test was designed to assess not the child’s knowledge, but their ability to process and evaluate various information. A major focus of the study was the ability to understand scientific concepts such as volume, density, quantity and weight. One questions that made up the
study asked participants to decide whether an amount of water in a tall slim cylinder was still the same volume when poured into a shorter wider container. The results were shocking. In 1976, one third of boys and a quarter of girls aged 11 and 12 scored highly in the tests. In 2004 only 6% of boys and 5% of girls achieved similar results. The experts deduced that the intelligence of your average 14 year old today is equivalent to that of the average 12 year old in 1976. Professor Michael Shayar of King’s College London, who led the study, declared that the ‘intelligence of 11-year-olds had fallen by three years worth in the past two decades’. But today’s teenagers must be busier than ever before. Its difficult juggling a desire to look and act like someone twice your age and develop the basic literary, mathematical and
scientific skills needed to maintain a decent level of intelligence. Teenagers these days face an array of dilemmas which would send your standard flarewearing Abba-loving teen of 1976 into a mild hysteria. For example, a teenager today has the instinctive ability to flick between a hot debate on MSN Messenger, make necessary ‘profile pic’ improvements on various social networking sites and and sieve through copious amounts of unnecessary information on Google. Your standard 70’s equivalent, although evidently more intelligent, would not stand a chance at getting a job in IT today. Arguably, these formative years are comparatively more difficult to navigate today than 30 years ago. Changes in the National curriculum mean that the education youngsters receive today is much more geared to
suit examination boards, rather than encourage open-minded teens. By the time GCSEs arrive, today’s teenagers can list at least five main ‘assessment objectives’ in order of importance, or specify how many ‘points’ will be awarded to various questions. It seems the level of intelligence or ability to decipher information is no longer on the agenda. Examination boards consider the ability to pass an exam of higher importance than the ability to improve brain-power, memory or intelligence. Offering GCSEs in subjects such as ‘Dance’ probably doesn’t help but it’s not the pupils who are failing to achieve their maximum potential; it is the educational bodies in place who limit their options. So with intelligence levels dwindling and educational expectations at an all-time low for today’s 14-yearolds, with brains of 12-year-olds, the
“Another Brick in the Wall” mentality rings especially true. The words “we don’t need no education”, are a firm two fingers up at the establishment. Ironically the song was released in 1979, just three years after the Pendulum Test hitting the headlines this week, was first conducted on the modest geniuses of the decade. If the knuckle-dragging delinquents of 1976 were rebelling at a time when they were considered more intelligent, then surely the frustration of todays teens that the previous generation did it better is not new. It is a circle of life, and although our generation’s teenagers may not be able to tell their kilolitres from their cubic meters, they were never going to escape the wrath of the previous generation, because no one ever has. comment@studentnewspaper.org
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
Comment 13
Taxation Time Katherine McMahon
I
Zeenath Ul Islam
it may in fact be masking a potential landslide. In a sense it is comforting to believe in the Bradley Effect. In the unlikely event of a McCain victory, it provides a simple explanation as to why the polls were as wrong as they were, and it taps into a belief that racism and prejudice is endemic in America which has perhaps inevitably become widespread during this electoral cycle. Yet when looking at the evidence, it is difficult to believe that secret or subconscious racist feeling has biased the polls to anything like the extent needed to result in an Obama loss, with the concept that his lead is underestimated if anything more compelling. John McCain may yet win this election, through some completely unexpected event or quirk in final voter demographics. If he does, however, our predictions will not have been wrong because of the Bradley Effect, and if we desire to see this election in an objective light we must accept that race affects polls in ways far more complex than intuition might suggest.
The argument was put forward that it’s only fair for graduates to contribute to funding education. But they already do – if university has financial benefit, we will contribute through progressive taxation (which could do with some improvement – corporation tax and top-rate income tax are at their lowest rate in living memory). If we earn a lot, we’ll pay more. Simple as that. Some people earn a lot without a degree – why should they contribute less? If university graduates don’t get good jobs, they shouldn’t have to pay as much extra tax as someone who earns a lot. It would have more of an effect on those earning less, as well: 1 or 2% extra tax means nothing to someone who’s wound up as a manager being paid £100,000 a year – it wouldn’t even come close to cutting into the money that they actually need to live on. But to someone who’s just qualified as a teacher and is earning just over £20,000 a year, then 1 or 2% off their wages means a bit more in real terms. We shouldn’t necessarily expect graduates to get very highly paid jobs anyway. Many will want to do something they enjoy which pays less, and why not? Seeing university as just a vehicle for earning more money is a sad state of affairs. Education is a way of expanding your horizons, and everyone should have a chance to do that. Katherine McMahon is a member of Education Not for Sale.
comment@studentnewspaper.org
comment@studentnewspaper.org
Race to the White House The deciding factor at the finish line: Robert Shepherd examines The Bradley Effect and the real implications of ethinicity on the electorate
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t the time of writing, it would be an understatement to say that things look pretty bad for John McCain. In order for him to become the next President of the United States, the senator will have to overcome a larger trail in the polls than any other candidate in history, while winning seven or eight swing states which all appear to be trending away from him. Indeed, taking current polls at face value it seems a landslide victory for Barack Obama - defined as at least 375 electoral votes, 70% of the total - is in fact more likely than any kind of win for McCain at all. Why, then, do some still seem to regard a Republican victory as a serious possibility, when it would seem on the surface to be so unlikely? The answer lies in the Bradley Effect, a phenomenon whereby hidden racial prejudices may lead to polls being very inaccurate indeed. The Bradley Effect occurs when a large number of the polled electorate claim to intend to vote for a black candidate, then end up not doing so come election day. This could occur for a number of
reasons, such as a strong desire not to vote for a black man manifesting itself at the voting booth or a conscious lie on the part of the person being polled in order for them to appear less racist. On the surface the idea that such a phenomenon could give rise to misleading polls seems intuitively plausible, and indeed there is compelling evidence that it has done so in the past. Given this, surely it is reasonable to expect a Bradley Effect when a black man stands for the most powerful position of all? Perhaps surprisingly, the answer is probably no. Evidence suggests the effect has diminished from the late nineties onwards, and looking at Obama’s performance in the Democratic primaries suggests it is not likely to have the cataclysmic effect on the polls needed for a McCain win. While it is true that Obama lost New Hampshire in the primaries to Hilary Clinton when polls predicted he would win comfortably, this does not appear to have been due to the Bradley Effect as some reporters have claimed. Rather, the upset seems to have occurred due to Clinton performing far
more impressively than expected among uncommitted voters while Obama’s numbers remained relatively stable, implying that committed voters were largely truthful about their preferred candidate when polled. In fact, over the country as a whole Obama performed more strongly than polls predicted, gaining on average 3.3% more of the vote than expected. If we see a similar performance in the polls on Wednesday, Obama’s race could be partially responsible. There is some evidence that a “Reverse-Bradley Effect” may have occurred during the primaries, whereby people in areas with pronounced racial tensions denied their intention to vote for a black man when polled. Tellingly, in the racially volatile Southern States Obama performed on average 7.2% better than predicted, and it has been suggested that this discrepancy was partially due to black voters reluctant to admit to their voting intentions. If anything like this is happening now, the idea that racial prejudice may result in a surprise loss for Obama could have the situation exactly backwards, as
n Comment last week, Joe Coward put the case forward for an extra, across-the-board tax on graduates. He argued that universities in the UK need more government funding, and he gave some statistics showing that the US gives 2.9% of its GDP to fund education, while the UK only invests 1.1%. Of course universities need more funding, and this is precisely the point – we don’t invest a big enough percentage: it’s not a case how of much tax money is around; it’s a matter of distribution. The UK’s government spending, percentage-wise, is way below the OECD average, so before we start worrying about how much money we have available, it needs to be distributed better. Plus, the Inland Revenue has calculated that total tax avoidance by big business and the super rich may be in excess of £41 billion a year. If that was paid, public services could be improved no end. I completely agree that a key to improving university access is support at lower levels for those from deprived backgrounds. But, given all the above, it’s not an either/or situation.
Student
14 Interview
Week 7 04.11.08
Chris Hoy: Hungry For More Martin Domin talks to Edinburgh University graduate and Scottish Olympian Chris Hoy They say there’s no rest for the wicked. It seems there’s also no rest for Scotland’s greatest Olympian. It may be over two months since Chris Hoy stood on the top step of the podium for the third time in Beijing but he has yet to have a chance to take it all in. Hoy is back in Manchester where he lives in order to be close to his second home, the National Cycling Centre and, speaking exclusively to Student, he admitted that his life has been changed by his most recent success. “I’ve been very busy and I’ve not really had any time to myself. I’ve not had a single day off to do what I want so its been pretty full on. At the same time it’s been incredibly exciting. The things I’ve been able to do have been unbelievable. Everyone I’ve met has been so kind and I’ve received such a warm welcome. I haven’t had time to let it all sink in yet. “I’ve been able to do stuff that money can’t buy so it’s been a great experience. It is really tiring though and I know that sounds pathetic but its exhausting doing stuff non-stop. I’ve had an itinerary for the last ten weeks and I’ve got another two or three weeks of it. It’s just been a case of just going from one place to the next; it certainly makes a change from just training, eating and resting.” As a veteran of three Olympic games, Hoy is well positioned to comment on how well Beijing compared to Athens in 2004 and Sydney before it. “The event itself was well organised and they were very clinical in their approach; it was very efficient but there wasn’t the same atmosphere as there was in Athens, especially in the velodrome. I think that was down to the fact that the majority of the home straight was reserved for the press and VIPs. It was still a great venue though and they obviously did a good job with the organisation and with the stadiums. It was a different experience to Athens and to Sydney but no less enjoyable.” Having won the gold medal in the 1km time trial in Athens, only for the event to be removed and replaced by BMX racing in Beijing, Hoy faced a dilemma regarding his Olympic future. Having considered not carrying on at all, he chose instead to tackle three events in China. “I never thought I would be able to do the other events and for a while I wasn’t sure if I was going to go on. The team sprint was going to be my only option and the individual sprint
Why should a team be criticised for being dominant? If they want to win gold medals then they have to work as hard as we did and the keirin were going to be events I did to help with that; to improve my speed and my technique. It was only really about 18 months before Beijing that I thought there was a chance I could be successful in the individual events too. “Physically its not that different because the kilo sets you up well for the other events. It’s more about the tactical and technical side of things along with the mental aspect. Its a different skill, being able to race 15 times over three days compared to just one race when you gear yourself up for one almighty effort. The sprint is about getting up again and again and again and so it’s as much a test of your endurance as it is your sprinting. It’s about analysing your opponent and how you’re going to beat him by working out his strengths and weaknesses. There is so much concentration and its mentally exhausting as well as physically tough.” Having had a successful world championships in March, Hoy started to believe that he could taste success when it really mattered in Beijing. “There was a lot more expectation in Beijing because we’d done so well in Athens and had a good world championships in Manchester. I was confident as my preparation had gone well and I’d won both titles at the world championships in March so that gave me confidence but at the same time you never take anything for granted. I went into it knowing I was in the best form of my life and that’s all I could do. You can’t do any more because you don’t know what your opponents are going to be like. You go in there and do everything you can and that takes the pressure off. Whether you win or lose is almost out of your control and you don’t pressurise yourself by setting gold medal predictions. “The first gold [in Athens]
is always the most special as you don’t know if it’s going to be possible or not and it’s the one you’ve been waiting all your life to achieve. The final one in Beijing was the most enjoyable out there because you could enjoy the moment for what it was. After the first two I still had more to think about and concentrate on so I couldn’t switch off. Each one is different and they’re also all different events, the team sprint is special because you’re able to celebrate with your team mates, the sprint because it was the last one and it was the first time I’d won the keirin at the Olympics so they were all special. “It makes all the hard work worthwhile because there are times when its really not particularly pleasant. The training sessions are very hard and you just have to put yourself through it every day. Sometimes I do three sessions in a day and
i t ’s these m o ments that make that worthwhile and that keep you m o t ivat e d to carry on. Otherwise there’s no way I’d be going on for another four years at least,
you couldn’t justify what you go through if you didn’t get the rewards at the end of the day.” It seemed that Hoy had barely stepped off the podium when he was being asked to comment on suggestions fromAlex Salmond that Scotland should have it’s own Olympic side. Hoy responded by saying that the facilities simply aren’t there in his home country to make that a reality and he expressed his frustration that he was effectively used as a political tool. “Because of the situation I was in I found myself in a position where I was being asked to comment on it but we don’t ask politicians to ride bikes so why would they ask us to make comments about politics? It’s a bit frustrating when you
literally say one or two words and it makes headline news. I’ve learned that I have to be careful about what I say because almost anything can be used or twisted into a sensational headline if the papers want it to be. It’s a shame because then you tend not to be speaking your mind as much which you shouldn’t be afraid to do.” The future of the Edinburgh’s Meadowbank velodrome looks decidedly shaky after the local council voted to close it down. Hoy has taken a personal interest in the matter, insisting that it is vital that the capital has it’s own facility to compliment the one being built in Glasgow for the 2014 Commonwealth Games. “It’s important purely from the point of view that the more facilities you have the more chance you have that kids will try the sport out in the first place. It’s also good just to get more people involved in the
sport and whether they’re doing it for fun or they have competitive aspirations is not important. Without the velodrome they can’t take part at all and hopefully there will be some positive outcomes from the publicity and the hard work. The facilities are the first step towards any success and the plan has to be to mimic the Manchester set up and have a base for the Scottish cycling team in order to produce champions of the future. “All of the minority sports that were successful in Beijing have benefited from the interest in the sports and all of sudden people have an awareness of what you do and what’s involved in your sport. Its bound to have a knock on effect in terms of participation and just general interest.” Not everyone in cycling was celebrating the British success in Beijing with Denmark’s team leader, Jesper Worre. airing concerns that if the dominance continues, interest in the sport could wane. Hoy was quick to dismiss this out of hand however. “I think its ridiculous. The whole point of sport is to try to win and if other people are complaining then they should be pulling their finger out and training harder. Britain were the real c-list nation in terms of track cycling 12 years ago yet we’ve worked hard across the board, not just the riders but the support staff as well to turn that around. Why should a team be criticised for being dominant? If they want to win gold medals then they have to work as hard as we did.” Having accumulated nine world championship golds and two Commonwealth titles along with his four Olympic golds, Hoy could be forgiven for signing out on a high. He has other plans however and has his heart set on defending his titles in London in four years time. “I still have the same motivation to train and compete because it’s what I love to do. The challenge of trying to defend all three titles in London is just as exciting to me as winning them in the first place. I will take things one step at a time, ill go for London and see how that goes first and then think about Glasgow. In the short term I’m looking ahead to the world championships in Poland in March.” Few would bet against Hoy defending his titles in London and with such a wealth of cycling talent throughout the British team, the future looks bright for both Scotland’s latest sporting hero and his team mates.
Featuring slanted political satire, Pigeons, Jellyphants and text speak, Lonely Hearts, Letters and more poetry events
Tontine
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” - Groucho Marx
Worr
by Richard Lane
Matt Gamble, CEO of Gamble & Sons Ltd, was on the phone to his secretary when his office began to tilt sideways. The left side of the room dropped approximately four feet, sending the papers on Matt’s desk spraying across the floor. The phone sprang out of Matt’s hand as his leather office chair accelerated in the direction of the far wall, resulting in a moderately paced collision with a portrait of Harold Gamble; Matt’s grandfather and founder of the Gamble & Sons Bank. Matt was briefly pressed against his grandfather’s crotch before the chair slowly toppled sideways. Flapping like a startled puffin, Matt collapsed to the floor in a tangled heap of limbs and pinstripes. For a moment, Matt laid perfectly still; a look of bewilderment on his beetroot face. Then, steadily, he unfolded to his feet. He stuffed his hand into his jacket pocket, and pulled out a king-size Crunchie bar. Hands juddering, he tore off the wrapping, and shovelled the entire bar into his mouth. He then returned to his desk – the only thing in the entire room that had remained in place The phone’s receiver swung side-to-side over the edge of the desk like a hanged man in a strong breeze. The voice of Matt’s secretary squawked wildly through it. Matt picked up the receiver, and held it some distance from his ear. “Barbara?” Matt said through a mouthful of chocolate and honeycomb. “Matt! Thank goodness, are you alright?” “I’m fine. What the bloody hell just happened?” “I don’t know. Do you think it was a bomb?” “Could be. Order everyone to evacuate the building. I’ll see you outside.” The line clicked dead, and Matt dropped the phone onto its hook. He took a set of keys from his pocket, and unlocked the top drawer of his desk. From it, he hastily removed three Crunchie bars and stuffed them inside his jacket, before walking quickly out of his office. The stairs were at an unnatural slant. Matt clung tightly to the cold metal rail as he stumbled dizzily downward. The building juddered inter-
mittently, rumbling like a landslide. From below, the babbling of frightened suits echoed upwards as they raced toward the exit. For so long they had competed for the top-floor office. Now they were fighting to be the first out of the building. But for Matt Gamble, the irony held no sweetness, and already he could feel his hand clawing habitually at the chocolate bars in his pocket. Once, what now seemed an age ago, he had been the archetype. A box of cigars at the corner of his desk; a cabinet of spirits at the back of his office; a tailored suit on his tailored physique, and slicked back hair gleaming in tandem with his slick black shoes. He had been immaculate, pristine, untouchable. Then the wave had crested, and the white horse began to fall. The numbers stopped making sense.The shares stopped growing and accounts stopped opening. He had stopped smoking, drinking, ceased desiring anything – except to eat chocolate. Now, the effect of fifteen Crunchie bars a day was tumbling over his waistline like a marshmallow avalanche. It took several minutes for Matt to reach the ground floor; at the back of a jumbled mass of suits scuttling nervously through the cathedrallike foyer of Gamble & Sons’ head office. The green marble floor was tightly packed, so that the suits waddled slowly forward like penguins on a march to the sea. Outside, the sky was the colour of wet slate, and a fine drizzle fluttered hesitantly to the ground. The head office of Gamble & Sons was a square block of concrete and glass that towered twenty-five storeys toward the dim sheet of cloud. Only now it dipped at one side, like a sinking ship caught in a flash-frozen sea. At the sunken end was a rough circular hole, into which the building was very gradually sliding, like a long stone éclair into a cavernous mouth. A small ring of suits had formed around the hole. Matt jostled his way through the tightly packed bodies to the front of the crowd, and peered into the fissure. A gap of around three feet lay between the edge of the hole and the up-
rooted foundations of the building. Little could be seen in this sliver of darkness, other than a strange light glistening deep in the Earth. The clip-clop of high-heels sounded amongst the suits as Matt’s secretary jogged up beside him. “Did everyone get out all right?” Matt asked. “As far as I know. Few scrapes and bruises, a couple of concussions, and an engineer from the basement got a broken arm from a falling toolbox. Aside from that, no serious injuries.” Matt breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank God, that’ll save a bit of paperwork. Next step, we’ve got to find out what this…thing is.” “It’s a hole,” a nearby suit said jovially. Matt shot a sour glance at the suit – a young man with a bland face – and resisted the sudden urge to shove him over the edge. “I’m aware of that,” Matt said bitterly. “But it isn’t just a hole is it? There’s obviously something down there.” Matt peered a little further over the edge. “Wonder how deep it is? Boy, throw something in.” “Like what?” the young suit said. “Anything. A stone, some loose change, yourself, I don’t care! The insult didn’t appear to phase the young suit, who pulled a couple of coins from his pocket, and flicked them into the hole with his thumb A stuttered silence followed, broken intermittently by a soft pinging sound as the coins bounced off the sides of the hole. Then the surrounding suits began to murmur as the glisten in the depths seemed to brighten, and a deep, sonorous yowl quaked the ground. The young suit looked at Matt, and shrugged nervously. Tentatively, Matt kicked a loose chunk of concrete by his foot into the opening. This time, the hole seemed not to respond. “Odd,” the young suit said. Matt didn’t reply. Instead, he removed his wallet from the inside of his jacket, and sifted out a ten-pound note. “What are you doing?”
Calum McLean Matt answered, before “Experimenting,” screwing up the note and dropping it into the hole. The blast of air that ripped up through the hole was like a jet fighter breaking the sound barrier. The deep glisten seemed to writhe ecstatically. Matt almost toppled over as the air current hit him in the jaw with the force of a professional boxer. “Grfrbblewabble,” Matt spluttered as he scrambled to regain his balance. He grabbed the lapels of his jacket and jerked the padded shoulders into place. The crowd, which had rippled backward at the blustering air, began to shuffle forward again with the fatal curiosity of a moth flitting around light bulb. Matt turned to his secretary, and grabbed her bony shoulders. “I want you to get everyone here to throw all of their money into this hole,” he demanded. Barbara frowned. “What on Earth for?” “Just do it, please. I want to see what happens.” Barbara opened her mouth as if to respond, but all that came out was a muffled “Very well,” and she vanished into the crowd, barking Matt’s ridiculous command as she went. Unlike Barbara, the crowd of suits showed little resistance, and soon the throng resonated with the jangle of coins and the rustle of crisp new notes. Balls of paper and fistfuls of metal were cast into the nameless abyss. The capital flowed from the hands of the suits with an odd sort of desperate glee. They seemed to be innately aware of the objective of this ostensibly ludicrous action, as if they were all psychically linked to a single hub of response to the crisis – to save the bank, you must throw money down the hole Soon, though, the stream slowed to a trickle, and as the flow of shrapnel and paper died, so did the noise, yet there was a curious half-smile of satisfaction on Matt Gamble’s face as he looked down into the emptiness. Continued on the following page
Tontine
Worr
(Continued from the previous page)
“That shiny thing looks closer, doesn’t it?” he said. The statement was not directed towards anyone in particular, but the young suit took it upon himself to respond. “Yes, Sir,” he said, unsure as to whether or not the position of the “shiny thing” had altered at all. “It’s definitely closer,” Matt repeated, as if convincing himself. “Whatever is down there, it’s being brought towards the surface, which means the hole must be filling up. That’s good. We can save this bank. Need more money though. Barbara!” Matt looked over his shoulder. His secretary had not returned. Grumbling to himself, he clamped a hand down onto the young suit’s shoulder. “Spread the word, boy, I want the vaults of this bank opened, and I want every penny of what’s in there thrown into this hole.” For the first time, the young suit’s plastic face showed a crack of emotion. “Sir, shouldn’t we try pouring concrete in there, or something a little more solid?” “The money appears to be working fine, I see no reason to try anything different.” “But,” The young suit glanced across his shoulder, and leaned in towards Matt, as if his next utterance should not be heard be anyone around him. “The money in the vault, Sir, well, it isn’t ours. We can’t…” “What good is other people’s money if we don’t have a bank for them to put it in?” Matt spat. “Do as I say! And get this rabble in some sort of order.” The young suit squeaked in compliance, and began to work his way through the crowd, parroting the instructions Matt Gamble had given him. Gradually, the suits began to mould into a line that stretched from the hole across the plaza, and disappeared into the slanted entrance of Gamble and Sons Ltd. Matt soon found himself stood alone on the brink of blackness, grazing absently on another Crunchie bar, listening to the strange whisper of wind emanating from the hole. Matt’s mobile began to ring. He pulled it from his pocket and held it to his ear. “Hello?” “Matt!” “Frank?” “Matt, it’s terrible, it’s Worr…” “War? Has someone attacked New York?” “No, listen. You won’t believe me but you’ve got to listen. An enormous hole has just opened up beneath our Manhattan office…” “You too?” “It’s happened in London as well? Holy shit.” “What’s wrong?” “Oh God, Matt, it’s a disaster! Tokyo, Shanghai, Moscow…all of our primary branches have been hit! But that’s not the wor…” “Frank! Calm down and listen carefully. Open up your vaults and throw all the cash down the hole, it will start filling up. Leave the rest to me. I’m going to call the Government for assistance. Speak to you soon.” “No! Matt! You’re feeding it! You’ve got to st…” Matt didn’t hear the last part of his younger brother’s plea. The phone was already away from his ear, the call
Student
ended, a new number being dialled. “Hello?” said a tired-sounding woman. “This is Matt Gamble. I want to speak to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.” “What the hell do you think you’re playing at?” The Chancellor shrieked down the phone. Matt winced, and jerked the handset away from his ear. He waited until the enraged bellows of the Chancellor had ceased before placing the phone anywhere near his head. “I’m not playing at anything,” Matt said gravely. “I need two hundred million pounds in cash here within the hour or Gamble and Sons will be bankrupt.” The Chancellor’s anger was suddenly replaced with a terrified hysteria. Matt could almost see the Chancellor’s head creaking side-to-side as he tried to find some form of escape route. “This is some kind of trick, an in-joke between you people…” “You people?” “Bankers! You’re all greedy self-interested bastards. I’ve had calls from MDOS, the Raiman Brothers, and now you. All wanting money to save your hides from some…holes in the ground! Do you have any idea of how absurd that sounds?” Matt glanced over his shoulder as the building behind him gave another ominous rumble. “You can come and see for yourself, if you want.” “Oh, I’ve seen it! It’s all over the news, well, it was…” “Then what are you complaining about?” “This is supposed to be a capitalist society! You people spend all your time moaning about taxes, how they’re too high, how unfair society is toward those who pay their own way. But as soon as the economy nods its head downward, you all come grovelling to the Government, as if we’ve got a pile of money behind a big glass panel that’s labelled ‘in case of financial crisis’. You utter hypocrite, you…” “Look, are you going to help me or not?” Matt spat. “Because if you don’t, what will happen to the economy?” “I…I don’t know. Nobody knows. It’s inconceivable to simply let the banks die. The very thought is preposterous!” “Well?” Matt said, unable to hide the smug tone in his voice as he listened to the Chancellor tying his own tongue into a Gordian knot of contradictions. “Fine,” the Chancellor answered finally. “You can have next year’s Health Service budget. After all, what good are healthy people if they haven’t got any money for us to tax?” “That’s better. Like I said, I need two hundred million here, in cash, plus fifty million wired to every major branch on the globe, no limit on withdrawal.” The Chancellor made a sound as if he was deflating. “All right, it will be there within the hour.” “Thank you,” Matt said earnestly. The phone went dead. Matt stuffed his mobile into his pocket, and waited. He wandered some distance from the skewed building, and sat on a green metal bench about fifty metres away, watching a chain of suits passing bags of money along itself, with four suits at the end tossing them into the hole.A sheen of sparkling light rose up from the darkness, and a low pulsing
sound vibrated through Matt’s legs. In this fleeting moment of inactivity, Matt tried to ignore the niggling voice in his head, repeating precisely what was wrong with everything that had happened in the past two hours. One thing it muttered, though, Matt could not disregard. Even if money was the only thing that could fill the hole, which seemed insane in itself, then why had the…shiny thing been on top of the growing pile, rather than underneath it? At that point, Matt noticed the vibrations weren’t coming from the hole at all.With an irritated grunt, he pulled his phone from his pocket. The number flashing on the phone’s screen was unknown to him. Uncertainly, Matt put the phone to his ear. “Hello?” “Mr Matthew Gamble?” “Speaking.” “Ah, excellent. My name is Doctor Gustav Worr, and I am calling you on behalf of your brother to explain the current predicament you are encountering.” “Doctor…what sort of doctor, exactly?” “I am a genetic scientist.” Matt felt his stomach attempt to climb through his oesophagus. “And how do you know my brother?” “I was contracted by him to develop a new venture in dealing with your competitors and boosting your position in the markets. Unfortunately, the experiment seems to have gone slightly awry.” “Experiment? What exactly are you trying to tell me?” “I shall explain. It’s quite simple really. We took your standard star-nosed mole, enlarged it somewhat, altered its diet from various invertebrates to metals and wood-based products, and psychologically conditioned it to nest beneath the vaults of banks. The original intention was to literally destroy the institutions of your competitors. Yet during testing, the Worr Mole also developed an ingenious method of feeding. They figured out that curious humans often use low value coins to test the depth of their burrows. So they would await such an eventuality, and then slowly rise to the surface, convincing those above that throwing money into the hole will actually fill it. The net result is that not only does the Worr Mole physically destroy banks, it also bankrupts them.” There was a brief pause. “You’re telling me that my bank is being eaten by a giant mole?” “Yes.” There was a slightly longer pause. “As is every other major bank in the world?” “Yes. One hundred and thirty eight Worr Moles were successfully wdeveloped. They gestate in a surprisingly short period.” There was a very long pause, in which Gustav Worr only heard the amplified crackle of Matt Gamble’s breath. There seemed no words suitable for this – the abominable bastard of nature and man’s mind, and the most absurd risk-strategy undertaken in the whole history of economics. And it had all been thought up by a Gamble, a name synonymous with the capitalist ideal. He glanced at the half-buried building, and only dimly noticed that the train of suits had ceased functioning, and was now gathered around the hole. “All right, Doctor,” Matt said sud-
Tontine
Week 7 4.11.08
A Dedication to Robert Lowell
Afternoon Shift
I saw the eccentric bearing in the reckless posture of your hair; a lion’s mane out of place, representing your rank as you led the pack.
The lino shiny dead cramped crocodile
Glasses, heavy, black and broad stood as a balcony on that nose, and your eyes were a spotlight illuminating the world, places and people for what they were.
choked hand bread and dripping at the cupboard towers
I saw you holding your child, thinking over Central Park, wishing there was not so much darkness which humans have, the tendency to wash each other out of existence. It was Sixty One, cold wind blew from East to West.
arthritic apron dogs at feet her petal splits cuts like crusts she knows you know
I saw you walking as a stranger, ostracised on the street, your coat was a shield, you were an exile stamping on the sidewalk.
sliced chestnut men at work the knock on wood
I heard of your difficulty when the Irish-American policemen burst into the flat and you rebounded like a cat in fright…
saltwater drips on fur - Dave Lewis
But then you calmed the situation down: You would only be taken quietly if they sat and heard your testimony of ‘ossified youth’ that phrase I really love,
jumble.jumble noises.splash.around. myeyes. tickle.mynose I,noise,splasharound. theeye.tickle.around.thenose Je.fume.talangue. mamápapá.ytodos.losdemás é.toda.asamba. do.nossomundo
revealing the imprisonment in your head: ‘Waking in the Blue’ with the other mentally ill sitting on the cliff, advice in a pill. You were suicidal, turned to the bottle and drowned in the bottom.
- Who?lee.ahh. Go,maze!
Suffering of this kind; was it in vain? Your brain was constantly denly. “What do we do to stop it?” “Oh you can’t stop it. The only thing you can do is keep feeding it until it’s satisfied.” Matt glanced at the crowd of suits again, only this time, he realised the potential implications of their inactivity. “And if we can’t satisfy it?” “Then I would suggest running away. The Worr Mole can become rather aggressive if it is not gastronomically contented.” A deafening wail shivered from the hole, followed by the screams of suits as they scattered like animals away from a forest fire. A gargantuan blob of brown-grey fur, with thick pink paws and what looked like a large octopus glued to its face, lurched out of the hole, and belly-flopped onto the slanted roof of the bank. It remained still for three seconds, before gripping the sides of the bank with its forepaws, and in a single, swift movement, ripped the building off it’s foundations like the seal of a spice sachet, dragging the entire edifice into the hole. Silence descended as the scene was consumed in the dust of crumbling masonry. Matt stared at the cracks in the concrete between his feet, which ran from the obscured hole like the legs of some monstrous black spider.
As the dust settled, Matt saw there was nothing left of his beloved bank, apart from a few jagged bits of brickwork that stabbed at the sky like the frozen fingers of a decumbent corpse. All the suits had gone, either retreated to some unknown location, or dragged into the hole, which was now filled to the brim with a heap of girders and cinderblocks and glass. Through Matt’s phone, Gustav Worr babbled on. “Mr Gamble? Mr Gamble?” With a gentle push of his thumb, Matt ended the call. “Goodbye Doctor Worr,” he said stoically. A few minutes later, an armoured van turned into Gamble Square, and stopped in front of Matt’s unmoving form. A man the size and shape of a bookcase descended from the cab, and gestured in Matt’s direction. “Mr Matt Gamble?” the bookcaseman asked. Matt did not answer, he sat glancing between the remaining crumbs of his financial empire, and the armoured van containing two-hundred million pounds destined to disappear down a hole that no longer existed. He looked directly into the eyes of the bookcase-man. “Say, how would you like to make some money?”
Polly and the Jellyphants Under a green and leafy canopy, under the orange pulse of the afternoon sun, Polly and Jasper found the — as until now — unidentified miniature creatures. Polly immediately thought of the elephant when she saw them, though these animals only had a small resemblance to the large mammals in form and feature. “What a strange creature,” Polly said when she saw the first one, a bright lime green one that looked like an elephant—had it been shrunk in a machine. Soon Polly noticed more of the tiny elephants: there were thirteen, then sixteen, then nineteen of them. In the shade they played, out of the gaze of the afternoon sun and all who gathered beneath it. They were secrets of the tree, kept within its umbrella, its marquee, protected from the melting heat. They gathered round the feet of Polly and Jasper, not one sign of shyness, not one sign of retreat. These weren’t elephants, oh no, they were jellyphants, miniature gelatinous creatures with a natural propensity for
tumbling, stumbling, bouncing, and ricocheting off each other. “I’ve never seen any animal like this before,” said Polly. “They look like elephants �������������� but they’re far too small, far too round and colourful like pool balls.” Jasper wasn’t really paying attention; he was too busy leaping over the jellyphants, with a big grin on his fox-face. “You’re a jellyphant yourself, aren’t you Jass? Albeit a big furry white one.” Where had they come from? Perhaps they lived in the tree, high up in the canopy. Polly looked up above, and announced their presence to be a complete mystery. She picked a yellow jellyphant up carefully. It felt surprisingly soft and rubbery to the touch. The jellyphant contorted its trunk up and down Polly’s frown, tracing her face from hairline to nose to neck. “Inquisitive little creatures,” Polly thought, “with their small and curious features.”
in Life Studies scribbling with pain.
It’s raining in Krakow
- J. S
- Misa Klimes
Her name has come down from the crowded board of buzzers, that’s the first thing I notice - recalling how she lectured the postman: no “ow” in “Ostrowska.” Os-trov-ska. Say it.
Pigeons There are pigeons everywhere. Pigeons on the stoop, doing the Egyptian. Pigeons in groups, in rain troughs, bathing. Pigeons who own the place & know it. Know that this is the ledge of the window On which the previous tenant has written “Do not Open, Broken”. Pigeons who sit there, and stare, as I write pigeon poems:
Inside, the flat smells of panic burnt toast, the tang of toilet bleach, singe. The packed, hard fact of a suitcase in the hall, taped closed and tagged. The soft barcode of her sleeping tabby, and a note, tacked to the jamb: By now, I’m back. It’s raining in Krakow. I miss you. Take care of the cat.
City Doves, punk Rock Pigeons, Shit on the heads of great dead men Immortalized in stone.
The bedroom is a scuffle of boxes I weigh one in my hands, and the contents shift as if they were alive. The van draws up outside, and I smear the kitchen skylight with kettle-steam. It’ll be a week before it all arrives before she can pull on her boots again, or paint her nails that shade they don’t make over there. It’s raining in Krakow, as I check the window locks, lock up in the dark, and leave.
Pigeons in the courtyard, pigeons in the square, Pigeons in swarms, taking aim in mid-air. Pigeons who could not care less whether I am trying to get somewhere In a hurry. And go on bobbing and weaving, And puffing their neck feathers and cooing, And making romantic advances At inviting lady pigeons, Taking up the whole damn sidewalk.
- Claire Askew
- Aiko Harman
Tontine
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
The Backside This Week’s Letters Dear Ringo Starr, I recently heard that you’ve stopped reading and replying to fan mail. I was so sad at hearing this that I dedicated a whole day to you, playing every song you’ve ever been involved in. I cried a lot that day, and it was nothing to do with my girlfriend dumping me. How will I communicate with you now? You have always been my favourite Beatle. Well, ever since John died, anyway. I will now have to change my allegiance to Phil Collins; he can only compare to you when it comes to quality solo material. I’ve heard that he’s quite a good drummer too, and can sing better than you. Of course these aren’t my views, it’s only what I’ve heard. I thought you were amazing in that Cadbury’s advert. I’d like to see Phil Collins do that. Could you see clearly in that gorilla suit? Do you get lots of letters that mention John Lennon and Paul McCartney? If you do, I think that’s really tactless. How is Paul, anyway? He’s always been my mum’s favourite, you know. She calls him the baby-faced one. I think she had you down as the ugliest. Or perhaps it was John. But anyway, she prefers John over you because he wrote and sung some of her favourite Beatles songs, and had some fantastic solo material. I have to admit, ‘Jealous Guy’ is excellent. But I’m sure you can write a song as good as that someday, if you try really hard. My mum says that John was a better drummer than you. I think she’s wrong. At least you can say you’re a better drummer than him now. My mum says you can’t hold a tune to save your life; she says that Yellow Submarine tarnishes what could have been a perfect album. My mum talks a load of rubbish if you ask me. Once she said that I was a mistake. I really love your drumming on ‘Love Me Do’. If I were lucky enough to meet you, I’d love to sing and play guitar on that song while you drum. Or you could play the tambourine if you like. I’d have to sing though. If you read just one more letter, Ringo, please let it be this one. From your greatest fan, Zak Starkey
Dear ITV, I have an idea for a Brand new programme: Angry Britain. Here’s the outline of the show: 20 or so contestants in a room are put into little capsules that change colour depending on how irate the person within is. The contestants are provided with insults such as ‘you smell of wet dog’ and ‘I am well acquainted with your mother’. These insults - ‘orrible, aren’t they? - are sent back and forth from contestant to contestant. If your capsule turns bright red - signalling that you have well and truly lost it, you swine!, you get a consolation prize of a lifetime’s subscription to the Daily Mail, some oven gloves, a scouse parrot that greets you fondly with “calm down, calm down,” and a Rampant Rabbit. It’s more of a show for losers, admittedly, but this is Britain. I believe we are a truly great nation of losers. I would be more than happy presenting said entertainment show. I’ve always fancied myself as the next Anne Robinson. Yours coquettishly, Russell
Lonely Hearts ‘Lothario of pure intentions, 33, seeks member of a raunchy burlesque dance group with expectation of having casual S&M. Note, people who do not have once-famous family members need not respond.’ ‘Looking for person to lead relationship. For reasons unspecified, correspondent must not know my identity, only location. Amnesiacs favoured. Unkown M with binoculars, observing through Top-Floor Window, 47.’ ‘Young, adventurous female looking for mature man, preferably wealthy and diseased. Must have no live heirs and an easily mimicable signature.’ ‘Single-legged partially blinded sea-farer with fondness for chatty birds, 52.’ ‘Retired, elderly woman with whiskers seeks companion to share long winter nights in retirement home. Note, may have to compete with twelve cats, varicose veins and catheter.’ ‘Miniature man, 34, with fondness for butter seeks oversized over-indulgent woman with rolls to snuggle in.’ ‘Emo seeking Emo. Preference 4 the wildly depressed, insanely melodramatic, self-despairing-&-deprecating. Will ignore requests from any n all who dont wear stripes. Minimum of 5 piercings n must wear make-up irregardless of gender. F, 15’ ‘Looking for silent and submissive girl. Note, must wear bonnet and corset at all times. M, 60, admirer of Dickens and period drama.’ ‘F, 29, with VGSOH WLTM N/S S/A VGL M with OHAC for LTR. Preferrably into BDSM. ACA.’ (Glossary: VGSOH: Very good sense of humour WLTM: Would like to meet N/S: Non-smoker S/A: Straight acting VGL: Very good looking OHAC: Own house and car LTR: Long-term relationship BDSM: Bondage, domination, sadism and masochism ACA: All calls answered.)
Upcoming Events Read This! magazine will be celebrating its first anniversary on Wednesday 12th November starting at 8pm at the Forest Cafe. On the bill are (drum roll, please): Dan Graham (poet and prose writer from Glasgow), Hayley Shields (poet), Chris Lindores (poet), Dave Coates (poet), Lauren Pope (poet and playwright) and Ryan Van Winkle (poet and Reader in Residence at the Scottish Poetry Library), with music from Mike Dillon of the Travelling Waverlies. The event is FREE and BYOB.
Illustrations by Hannah Rastall
Contact tontine.studentnewspaper@gmail.com
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
Student
Letters 15
Your Letters
Scottish Student Newspaper of the Year 2007
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Major minority mix-up Once again, Edinburgh University is falling behind when it comes to minority representation. Last week, the Student’s Representative Council (SRC) initially passed a motion to implement ‘liberation’ officers into the Council, only for the motion to be retracked due to a constitutional error. This means that the bill can no longer be taken to the AGM, and will be shelved until next year at the earliest. Most UK Universities have elected student officials in charge of represent-
ing minority views in Higher Education and NUS endorses such a posting. However, our University has, until now neglected to vote on the need for such officials. This is unacceptable - surely a vote on minority representation is a staple for a University committed to increasing access? However, even more disappointing is the fact that when a motion was finally put forward, and passed - it had to be rejected on a technicality. The SRC officials should have been
aware that they needed a ‘supermajority’ to pass the motion. This is sub-par organisation and it resulted in bureaucracy triumphing over change. Edinburgh University has work to do to adequately include and represent minority views - as illustrated this year with Student revealing that only 0.3% of the student body is Black. ‘Liberation’ officers would be a start to making this happen. Let’s hope the SRC reads its constitution properly next year so this bill can reach the AGM.
Warning signs from Syria In Features this week, former Student staff member Ed Ballard raises important issues about the recent American attack on Syria - exemplifying the global significance of today’s election. Last week, the US military sanctioned an attack on the small Syrian town of Sukkiraya with the aim of killing ‘top Al-Qaeda cell operative’ Abu Ghadiya – a man accused of bringing thousands of jihadist fighters across the border into Iraq. Eight men were killed in the raid and American officials have labelled it a ‘success.’ However, Syrian locals are adamant that all men killed were innocent civilians, the White House has refused to confirm Ghadiya’s death and Syria’s foreign minister has called the attack an act of “criminal and terrorist aggression.” There is certainly a dubious question mark surrounding America’s
latest controversial foreign policy decision – and one which becomes ever shadier when viewing the attack in terms of the forthcoming American election. Political analysts have tentatively flagged up the timing of the raid.Why now? There is no hard intelligence to suggest that Al-Qaeda were operating in the town, lest that Ghadiya was even present. In fact, evidence supports a rushed and misguided operation with the prime purpose of catapulting terrorism back into the headlines, and pushing the banking crisis out. This plays right into the hands of John McCain, reminding the country that they are still at war, while angering Syrian locals just enough to provoke Anti-American protests and provide the perfect flag burning images to be screened repeatedly on Fox News. This view
was strengthened by McCain’s lightening quick response to the attack - he argued that a raid such as this would never have been sanctioned by an Obama administration; Barack is too soft to be tough on terrorism. It is perhaps too strong to suggest that the US military knew there were no Al-Qaeda operatives present in Sukkiraya. However, all evidence suggests that the intelligence they based the raid on was erroneous and ill-advised, with timing the key. The importance of today’s election in America has been repeatedly stressed. Yet, nothing exemplifies it more so than the recent Syrian attack. Regardless of whether or not they can justify a raid, the US military killed eight innocent civilians in an uninvolved country for political prowess. It is time for this circus to stop.
Student supports... Presidential Election Parties Obama or McCain? Here at the Student office we can hear drums rolling. Yes tonight is the big night. Millions of people all over the world have been waiting eagerly; the outcome of one of the most important Presidential elections to date is soon to be revealed.And this crescendo-driven build-up, while it might be overblown, is completely justified considering the almighty circus that has surrounded American politics this year. However, and despite the negative connotations, everyone does love a circus. What better way to get people interested, to get voters voting, to get the world watching? Who will jump through the next ridiculous hoop? Who will reveal the most inapt and hilarious side-kick? Such were the
questions that dominated the minds of US Election viewers this year. Of these viewers, Edinburgh University students have proved a vigilant and well-interested bunch. EUSA have done their bit: Stars and Stripes Week has been prevalent in the unions. McCain and Obama burgers have filled our apprehensive tummies. Numerous parties are taking place around the city. Edinburgh students are getting involved or, perhaps more accurately, getting interested. While (aside from over 1,000 American students) we might be inconsequent to the whole affair, we should not pass up the chance to celebrate change and to become collectively embroiled in political debate. We’ve heard it all before, but this is
Student
Editors Jenny Baldwin/Liz Rawlings Comment Lee Bunce/Zeenath Ul Islam/Mairi Gordon Culture Hannah Ramsey/Rupert Faircliff/Emma Murray Design Jamie ‘Superstar’ Manson Features Jonathan Holmes/Rosie Nolan/David Wagner Film Tom MacDonald/Sam Karasik Illustrations Jamie Manson/Zeeneth Ul Islam/ Harriet Brisley Interview Hannah Carr/Anna Dudina
history in the making. Obama, by this time tomorrow, might be the first Black President of the United States. We’ve gone from the unthinkable to the very possible. We are on the brink of something new, and we can’t be blamed for getting excited. So while this Election has been steeped in XFactor-style stunts, it has captivated us like never before. Our motivations might be confused (does watching McCain/Obama dance-offs on youtube constitute political fervour?) but, in essence, our interest is important and relevant. From the first this race has been fascinating, and it should be to the last. So crack open a bottle of whatever, tuck into your Obama burger, and tune-in tonight.
Lifestyle Kimberlee Mclaughlan/Maddie Walder Music Andrew Chadwick/Thomas Kerr News Editors Neil Pooran/Lyle Brennan - Senior News Writers James Ellingworth/Sarah Morrison/Patrick Andelic Photography Julia Sanches/Katy Kennedy/ Sophie Johnson President John Herrman Secretary Maddie Walder Sport Martin Domin/Misa Klimes Tech Alan Williamson/Jamie Manson/Craig Wilson Tontine Jonny Stockford/Julia Sanches
Tallulah Lines must be prohibited from “writing” any more knee jerk “I’m so angry I just saw a booby” articles (Student, Week 5, “Students in Sex Binge Horror”). Her contention that advertising “reduces them [humans] to sexual entities” presupposes that we aren’t. Perhaps she should extricate her head from her bloomers and examine the homophonically related counterpart to her “sex sells,” namely sex cells. The biological goal of all life is to procreate or reproduce, and if that doesn’t reduce us to sexual entities, then how does the outline of a female curve on a 4x6” bit of cardboard make any difference? Further marring the article is a poor to nonexistent understanding of the term “logical,” which Ms. Lines uses twice. Sex, she posits, “has no logical place” promoting bars. This is true in the most misleading of senses, as the only way something logically does not fit is when a logical contradiction holds to be the truth, for example when asked to draw a square circle. There is nothing logically contradictory to a human jumping to the moon; however, there are certainly physical impossibilities. Later she pens the equally “true” phrase “there is often no logic behind it [sex in advertising]”. Once again I fail to sense what logical contradictions are here involved. What ostensibly Tallulah means is that it makes no sense to her in particular, not that any higher vindicating power, in this case logic, dictates her conclusion from some golden set of premises she neglected to mention to the reader. This false ethos, coupled with petty, superfluous anecdotes, does not do justice to a legitimate field of psycho-sociological inquiry, and that alone is worthy of censure. Yet, I digress, for can not a soul amongst the readership of Student think of one reason, not a logical one, but perhaps a fiscal, or even a physical motivation, for sex in advertisements? Once again we meet the dichotomy between the
S
misleading “sex sells” and the explanatory sex cells. Bars are essentially locations for people to relax, drink, and find people to have sex with, and most people are aware of that whether they are teetotal, or chaste, or even don’t like relaxing. It isn’t, as her straw man arguments propose, that one thinks they will meet the girls on the flyer, or even choose to drink at such an establishment due to these same girls, the advertising is for bars everywhere, for every awkward individual who needs a few pints before gathering the courage to have their sexual advances sunk by another denizen of the bar. These complex mating rituals may not be confined only to bars, nor should they be, but the fact remains, bars are often ground zero for sexual intimacy, and any unsubtle hints that remind us to try them out once in a while make perfect financial sense. I would also like to personally thank Tallulah for deciding on behalf of the people of Earth what is “overly sexualized” or offensive. This “offensive” advertising is the crap that leaks out when society crushes sex like a ripe tomato in its palm. Personal revulsion is converted to prescriptive rules, or divine mandate. While Tallulah crusades against “the old but unrelenting idea” that men and women are treated unequally, she is merely reasserting the older, less subtle, less relenting idea that sex is wrong, and taboo, and should be hidden, rather than enjoyed openly and healthily, as nature intended. Just leave the fucking tomato alone. Clearly advertising uses men and women differently, although even these once stark lines show heavy signs of erosion; but to point the finger at the medium rather than the underlying causes, i.e. sexual repression in society, is to err in the most foolish way available. Tallulah is a blind woman grasping an elephant for identification, and I’m pretty certain I know which bit she latched on to. - William Greczyn
tudentwould like
to thank our designer and all-
round superstar Jamie Manson for his hard work over the years.
Treasurer Madeline Rijnja TV Rory Reynolds/Susan Robinson Website Bruno Panara/Jack Schofield Advertising Tony Foster (Contact @ 0131 650 9189) Student Newspaper 60 Pleasance Edinburgh EH8 9TJ Telephone: 0131 650 2363
Email: editors@studentnewspaper. org
Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors reserve the right to edit letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole. Published by and copyright © Student Newspaper Society, 2008 Printed by Cumbrian Printers
16 Film
Quantum Of Solace directed by
Marc Forster
aaaaa This, the twenty-second Bond flick - though arguably just a sequel to 2006’s series reboot - picks up literally minutes after that film ended: with Bond grieving the loss of Vesper Lynd and swearing revenge on the shadowy international organisation he holds responsible for her death and believes answerable to countless other acts of terror, the motivation for which remains unclear. A frenetic pre-credits car chase
Student
sees Bond forced to negotiate an unimaginably twisty Italian cliff-side, pursued by two agents of Casino Royale’s shady Mr White, and wrecking a rather desirable Aston Martin in the process. This impressive opening sequence sets the pace for the coming film: fast, furious and thick with impeccably choreographed action. 007 has clearly been going over Jason Bourne’s back-catalogue. The episodic nature of the new Bond - a seamless cut to Quantum’s beginning moments from Casino Royale’s final ones would be quite possible - suits the series, allowing what were previously disconnected one-off villains to be developed and
accommodated into a overarching structure that improves and is improved by each subsequent instalment. Sequels were the norm in Ian Fleming’s original books but found themselves dropped from the films, probably since - for the most part, at least - all those prior to 2006’s reimagining took the titles but not the storylines of the writer’s works. Those who imagine they would prefer a return to the fresh and conclusive escapades of previous films in the Bond canon, ungoverned by what has come before, need not worry; Quantum of Solace introduces an entirely new villain in the form of Mathieu Almaric’s brilliantly conceived Dominic
Week 7 04.11.08
Greene - a man cynically cornering Bolivia’s water supply for economic means - and manages to negotiate a storyline that is both conclusive and perfectly set-up for another entry in this apparent ‘trilogy’. Whilst many in the film are clearly connected with the enigmatic world authority that is ‘Quantum’ few make mention of it. Daniel Craig is James Bond. Whilst many still think of Connery as the definitive 007, it is Craig who invests the character with the cold callousness, the pessimism, the brutality of Fleming’s original creation. Even better in Quantum of Solace than he was in Royale, it’s difficult to imagine now the original furore that surrounded the announcement that it was he who would be replacing Pierce Brosnan in the role. Websites were set up, their sole intention to protest against Craig’s appropriating the character, and newspapers mocked ‘James Blonde’ and his lack of acting experience. One large order of Humble Pie please; Craig makes a fantastic Bond, perhaps the best yet. Dispensing, just as Casino Royale did, with the wink-wink nudge-nudge quips, with inventor-extraordinaire Q, and with seductive secret service secretary Moneypenny, all hallmarks of the series since Dr No, these new films feel fresh and rejuvenated, and
Ian Fleming’s Life as a Spy Sam Karasik explores the parallels between Bond and his creator There is a piece of advice that has been emanating from tweed covered English professors since the dawn of time: write what you know. Ian Fleming wrote a wonderful story about a magical flying car called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. He also created the most famous fictional spy of all time: James Bond. Whether Fleming owned a magical flying car is a fact that remains unknown, but one can clearly see the inspiration for Bond in his creator’s own adventurous life. Born in 1908 in London to a Conservative MP and a socialite, Fleming was educated at Eton, where he was hardly a model student and excelled in little beyond sport. He was sent to Sandhurst to become a respectable military officer, but in a Bond-like move, caught gonorrhoea from a prostitute and was quickly whisked away by his mother in order to avoid huge embarrassment. Fleming showed a keen interest in joining the Foreign Office and spent time studying at the universities of Geneva and Munich before sending in his application. Because of an apparent inability to cut the mustard, the Foreign Office declined his application. Fleming’s mother secured him a job with the Reuters news service where in 1933 he briefly worked as a journalist in Moscow. Soon thereafter, Fleming changed career again at the behest of his mother and became the self-
appointed “World’s Worst Stockbroker” presumably gambling away the trust funds of his fellow Etonians. All the while, Fleming kept at his true passion, sending freelance reports on Russia and Germany to the Times and the Foreign Office, despite no reply. During this time, Fleming occupied a cracking London bachelor
pad, where he played host to innumerable female guests. It was here that he employed a seduction technique that might have been too bold even for James Bond: a tour of his expansive pornography gallery and a meal of champagne and sausages. Foreign holidays, a bottle of gin a day, and copious tobacco smoking characterised Fleming’s hedonistic bachelor lifestyle. Seemingly doomed to debauch himself into oblivion, Fleming was saved on the eve of the Second World
War, as Rear Admiral John Godfrey, director of naval intelligence, named Fleming his personal assistant. Like Bond, Fleming was given the rank of Commander and tasked with developing several fairly ridiculous plots against zee Germans. Once such plot involved tricking Rudolf Hess into contacting a cell of antiChurchill Englishmen led by British occultist Alistair Crowley; this plot was not used. More usefully, Fleming, with the help of Oxford geography professor Kenneth Mason, developed a series of reports on countries where the military was engaged. Fleming had also developed a plot, known as Operation Goldeneye, to remain in contact with Gibraltar should Spain ally itself with the Axis Powers. In 1944, based on his tactical skills, Fleming was given control of 30 Assault Unit, a team of intelligence-trained commandos. Though not a field soldier, Fleming devised the unit’s missions and strategies and visited the unit in the field during Operation Overlord, the Allied invasion of Europe that began with D-Day. The physically tough, tremendously intelligent, and certainly macho soldiers that made up Fleming’s unit can be seen as a template for the perfect secret agent. Following the war, Fleming began to write, and in 1953 produced his first novel, Casino Royale. The rest, to be horribly trite, is history.
are just as much fun as the oldies. The new films are also ridden of the far from convincing CGI stunts that pervaded the later Brosnan forays, and the increasingly ridiculous Q inventions, a good example being the ‘invisible car’ from Die Another Day. Realism and emotion have replaced what was increasingly becoming a tired, clichéd, and predictable franchise, and the new films are all the better for this. Having said that, it is worth staying for the end credits to find out just what ‘Agent Fields’ actual first name is; a subtle nod to previous instalments. Few complaints can be levelled at Quantum of Solace; the film does exactly what it promises and will fully satisfy the expectations of audiences. The only setback is that sometimes it tries just a little too hard, every moment filmed with the intensity of an action scene, requiring the actual action scenes to up the aforementioned to such levels that they can resemble fast-paced music videos and become confusing in the process. Ultimately though, Quantum of Solace, whilst maybe not an improvement on Casino Royale certainly equals that film’s high standards. And there’s less card playing. Here’s to the next ridiculously-titled instalment. Tom MacDonald
Week 7 4.11.08
Film 17
Student
Election 2008: You Decide!
KILL COUNTER! According to reliable internet source CommanderBond.com, good ol’ JB has killed a total of 586 baddies. Roger Moore has racked up an impressive 167, but it’s Pierce Brosnan who trumps all other 007’s, murdering 364 enemies during his tenure as Bond. No wonder George Lazenby is unpopular with fans: the nancy only shot 6.
We asked literally dozens of Edinburgh students who their favourite Bond is, and in a landslide your winner is: GEORGE LAZENBY!
The Ties That Bond Sean Cameron wants Connery and Moore fans to get along... Gritty reality or hilarious lack thereof? This question has divided Bond fans through the decades, some on the side of Roger Moore, submarine cars, cheesy one-liners, and laser gun battles in space, some preferring the slightly more plausible exploits of Sean Connery, Timothy Dalton, and Daniel Craig. I’m on the fence, having been brought up with Moore’s cheesy antics but certainly appreciating the touch of reality brought to Craig’s newest incarnation of 007 After the first couple of Connery pictures, Bond films rigidly followed a formula of crazy car + hot girl + fancy gadgets + diabolical villains = a jolly good jaunt to the cinema. This left the series an easy target for parodies such as the hilarious Austin Powers and David Niven’s Casino Royale. The lack of credibility faced by the series was hardly ideal but the money kept on rolling in, so there was little reason to change.
Enter Jason Bourne. The combination of Matt Damon on cracking form and vanguard director Paul Greengrass carved a new path in the spy/thriller genre. With technical camerawork and a gritty, fast-paced plot, the Bourne trilogy put Bond to shame, making it seem a shallow and outdated parody of itself. When the patience of Bond fans had just reached its limit, 2006’s Casino Royale brought the talented Daniel Craig into the role of 007 and put GoldenEye director Martin Campbell back at the helm. This Bond brought the series back to its more ‘realistic’ roots with spectacular results, becoming the highest grossing Bond film ever. Many praised the gritty realism of Craig’s performance as the factor that brought the series back to its previous standards. This assessment may seem rather harsh on the films of Moore, George Lazenby and Pierce Brosnan. However, these films
c e rtainly had their merits, with the greatest of their number, perhaps the greatest of all Bond films, being Goldfinger. With a synthesis of the best Bond (Connery), the best henchman (Oddjob), the best Bond girl (Pussy Galore), best Bond theme (Shirley Bassey), and the best car (Aston Martin DB5), the film astounded. Goldfinger proves that Bond films needn’t be too serious, but neither should they let the plot descend into drivel (Moonraker, anyone?).Once the producers learn this lesson, all will be right in the world of Bond.
Student Music’s Top 5 Bond Girls Music editor Andrew Chadwick takes us through a very scientific study of the hardest, coolest, and fittest (of course) girls from the Bond canon: 1. Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) – Beach. White bikini. The first, and most memorable Bond Girl, setting the standard for all to follow. Cracking name too, obviously. 2. Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman) – For one thing, she’s a pilot, which is always cool, and she does judo! The most badass bond girl ever? 3. Plenty O’Toole (Lana Wood) – What a name. Her all-too brief appearance in Diamonds Are Forever does not diminish the genius of that moniker, which is the reason for her inclusion here. I always think these names are too blatant to have actually been intentional innuendos, although I’m most likely wrong there. 4. Mayday (Grace Jones) – Firstly, it’s Grace Jones! This, you should know, is extremely cool. Factor in that she skydives from the Eiffel Tower and kills herself to save JB, and you have your justification for a top five place. 5. Kissy Suzuki (Mie Hama) – Cer-yooooot, or what?! And a top name, again! Honourable mentions: Holly Goodhead, Xenia Onatopp -ed.
Next Week... W.
Week 7 04.11.08
Film 17
Student
SOMERS TOWN
News You Can Use
DIRECTED BY SHANE MEADOWS
AAAAD SHANE MEADOWS’ last feature, the BAFTA-winning This is England found its semi-autobiographical focus on the harsh realities of skinhead culture in the early 1980s. Whilst his follow-up, Somers Town, is largely gentle, optimistic drama that seems a world away from the more brutal backdrops to earlier creations such as Dead Man’s Shoes, the actual setting bears similarities to Meadows’ aforementioned conceptions of urban Britain; the film also marks the director’s second collaboration with his 15 yearold protégé Thomas Turgoose, who augments his acclaimed performance in This is England with an equally accomplished turn here. One parallel which is clear with previous work of Meadows’ is an overriding sense of the alienating effect of the character’s urban surroundings, be it poverty in a 1980’s British coastal town or the sheer overpowering scale of inner city London, especially to people with transient lifestyles, with no established sense of belonging or ‘home’ Somers Town (named for an area near Camden Town) begins with two such new arrivals to the streets of the capitol. Teenage Tomo (Turgoose) has travelled to London to escape unexplained problems in his hometown of Nottingham; Marek (Piotr Jagiello) is the son of a Eurostar construction
with Spike Lee
worker, only seeing his father during his evening drinking binges with fellow Polish expats. Their initial encounters with the city are negative, and reflect the harshness of a setting that acts as an asphalt prison for the young boys; Tomo is mugged, his few possessions taken on his first evening on the streets, and Marek endures a lonely existence either cooped up in his inner city flat, or ambling aimlessly through Somers Town. However, a chance meeting of the two in a café, and Tomo’s theft of Marek’s photographs sparks the beginning of an unlikely friendship, a
pairing prompted by their loneliness and need for familiarity in a formless, alien world. Tomo’s cheeky pretensions of bravado are beautifully contrasted with the sensitive Marek, who initially appears more taken with night-time city strolls, photographing his foreign surroundings, and his own muse, a pretty French waitress named Maria (Elisa Lasowski) from a local café. Shot for the most part in monochrome, Meadows evokes both the dreary urban setting and the friendship that makes the two boys’ alienating situation bearable and colour-
HUNGER
THE FALL
DIRECTED BY STEVE MCQUEEN (NOT THAT ONE)
DIRECTED BY TARSEM SINGH
AAAAD
AAAAD
THE TRAILER for Hunger rolls without sound, critical praise flashing on the screen with a notable absence of hints as to what is going to happen in the film. It might be the filmmakers’ intention to market their Cannesawarded film in a subtle tone representing the slow revealing pace of the film and ensuring the audience comes with peaked interest Hunger tells the true story of Bobby Sands (Michael Fassbender, 300), an IRA member and prisoner in Maze, Belfast, who goes on a fatal 66 day hunger strike. Before leaping into Sands’ tragic final days, the film focuses on the brutal daily life of the prison in which he lives. Sands’ martyrdom isn’t rendered into something overwhelmingly heroic: there’s a dialogue between him and a Catholic priest (Liam Cunningham, Mummy 3), which leaves both with different points of view, letting us question the meaning of Sands’ sacrifice. Most of the conversation is filmed as a 17-minute single shot, one for the record books, the performance in which manage to keep viewers enthralled. Hunger relies on demonstrating a variety of viewpoints, including that of Margaret Thatcher. However, Thatcher’s cold and distant sounding messages show how far ordinary human existence is from politicss.
It’s not the alienation of the prisoners, but rather of the warders who hear the reassuring political messages them but remain abandoned in a world where decisions are made somewhere else. The IRA prisoners have their own agenda to follow as their rebellious behaviour comes from their group spirit - when Sands starts smashing his newly-equipped cell, all the other prisoners follow his example. This is the clash of two ideologies, one of which is trying to eliminate the other in a sterilized way and the other replying with self-destructive defilement. Although immersed in politics, the film does not take sides, merely pointing out the atrocity of anyone who is a pawn of political powergames. Underneath it all, the Maze is filled with human beings in an inhuman condition fuelled by violence and desperation, prisoners going to the extremes to make themselves heard and prison guards trying to cope with what is their duty. Ultimately, the political stance of Hunger dwells on the value of freedom, which of course includes the liberty to interpret the message of the film, this being an interpretation of what might have gone on between the walls of Maze itself. Helen Harjak
THE FALL is set in a 1920’s Los Angeles hospital where young Alexandria (Romanian first-time actor, Catinca Untaru) is recovering from a broken arm. Restless and bored, she wanders around the hospital and befriends Roy (the ever-charming Lee Pace), a stuntman whose back and heart are broken. Roy enthrals Alexandria with an epic, surreal tale, driving her to repeatedly visit him to hear more. However, with darker motives in mind, he begins to use the story as a bribe to get her to bring him morphine. There are two words to describe this film: visually stunning. The scenery is literally breathtaking; from the orange desert sands and ancient blue cities to a butterfly-shaped island, it’s difficult to believe all the locations are entirely real. Considering that director, Tarsem Singh (credited as ‘Tarsem’) brought us the visually impressive The Cell, this is no surprise but his efforts here far outstrip any of his previous work. The audience will be most awed by the scene of an elephant swimming in the sea and the beautiful costume design. Depending intensely on the ability of his actors, Tarsem creates complex and believable character relationships. The audience actually watches Untaru growing and learn-
ful, literally so in the film’s charming conclusion. Somers Town is a clear example of Meadows’ versatility as a director, and shows him as one of the biggest talents working in British cinema today; his subtle rendering of the boys’ personal relationship is as effective as the more unflinching thematic presentations in his earlier films. Replacing gritty realism is an enchanting tale, and whilst the film’s feel-good finale is undeniably fanciful, the events are genuinely heartwarming. Stephen Mitchell Now showing at Filmhouse
ing English, as all her scenes are shot chronologically. Tarsem also allegedly convinced most of the cast and crew that Pace was really paraplegic, almost causing a make-up artist to faint when she walked in on him standing. Although the film is littered with colourful characters, the focus is clearly on Pace and Untaru who are brilliant. Untaru is not of the wideeyed, saccharinely sweet stock of children that Hollywood producers seem to have an endless supply of. This girl is far more credible; endearing, but also mischievous, and even occasionally annoying. Based on a 1980’s Bulgarian film, Yo ho ho, The Fall is like a darker Princess Bride on a grander scale (and definitely not meant for children). The imagery alone makes the film worth seeing, but there is also much substance to the story. Viewers may be disappointed with the simple ending and the abrupt stop-motion sequence that does not fit in at all. However, it’s likely audiences will forgive Tarsem these short-comings, just as Alexandria accepts Roy’s faults, because the story is simply that compelling. A breathtaking tale of friendship and coming of age that takes some very dark turns – The Fall is certainly not a film to be missed. Shan Bertelli
Ocean’s Eleven director Steven Soderbergh has plans. Plans to make a Cleopatra biopic. Plans to make a Cleopatra biopic set to rock music. Plans to make a Cleopatra biopic set to rock music in 3D. Plans. Speaking of music-related plans, Joaquin Phoenix has upset the movie industry with the announcement that he plans to quit acting in order to focus on a career in the music. His faultless vocal-impersonation of good ol’ Johnny Cash in Walk the Line, for which he was Oscar nominated, certainly showed off an impeccable set of lungs, but his decision-promising that his next film Two Lovers will be his lastwill be a major loss to the industry. Still, a man’s gotta follow his dreams. Good for him. Speaking of music-related plans, it appears that an awful lot of American Tweenagers flocked to see High School Musical Three last weekend, with its mix of adults playing kids and happy endings earning the film a respectable $42 milion at the box office. Good for them. Speaking of music-related plans, there will probably be a soundtrack in Spiderman 4, which revealed its scripter this week: Pulitzer Prize winning playwright Lindsay Abaire. A Pulitzer Prize winner writing Spiderman 4?! Good for them. Speaking of music-related plans, Chart-topping, promisering-wearing evangelicals The Jonas Brothers are to star in a feature length film. Named Walter the Farting Dog. Seriously. Good for them. Speaking of music-related plans, Forbidden Planet-once occupying a short run as a less than popular musical-has plans to return to the big screen. A scifi version of Shakespeare’s The Tempest, the original became a cult favourite with fans, and producers are now obviously holding out hope that the same will be true of this remake. Good for them.
Next Week... Dame Judi Dench in a exclusive nude photo shoot!
Week 7 04.11.08
Fern Brady
Pussy Galore “SO I’VE been getting the headaches for three months and that’s why I think I have brain cancer.” The doctor stared back at me with a cold, reptilian gaze. “And this worries you...?” He smirked while managing to look incredibly weary. I skulked out, humiliated. Then I went home and switched on “Embarrassing Teenage Bodies”, another TV show that markets a Disney-esque dreamland in which general practitioners are positively eager to work tirelessly with an ever more needy general public. And the doctors are so cool! They get on stage at music festivals! They have names like Pixie! They take to the streets dressed as Bond and distribute condoms to youths while making flippant penis jokes! More than anything, they want to see your repulsive, hormonally-charged body. Every weeping, putrid, pus-ridden aspect of it. This is done only partly out of concern for today’s teens, who we’re led to believe are now shagging at such a frantic rate that they’re creating new strains of STDs (Gonophylis, Syphorrea.) Largely, however, its appeal lies in the ‘freakshow disguised as health programme genre, spawned by Gillian McKeith’s laugh-at-fattiesshitting-into-hats’ shows. For all the gag-inducing close inspections that took place, it became increasingly amusing to note the relentless use of euphemisms when referring to people’s genitals. Surely, once the screen is filled with images of a fanny resembling war-torn Rwanda, it’s time to dispense with tentatively asking to peer “down below”. It’s mind-boggling when you consider that the people on this show are there on a wholly voluntary basis as most of them now face lives devoid of any sexual contact. So, in honour of them, this week’s list is called “Becoming Celibate (And Staying That Way!)”: 1) Cover your clothes and face in fake menstrual blood while throwing it across vast pieces of paper. Think ‘Carrie’ meets Jackson Pollock. (It’s called a Period Painting, apparently). 2) Tell the whole country that you, your three brothers and your mum are unable to stop wetting the bed. Hammer the point home visually by cutting to repeated shots of your mum changing soggy sheets with a look of grim resignation. 3) Reveal to all (in gloriously technicoloured close-up) that you have a vagina which looks like [delete as applicable] a crime-scene/ a dog sticking its tongue out/the Google Images result when you type in “genital herpes”.
TV 19
Student
Is that egg on your face Prezza? PICK OF THE WEEK by Susan Robinson
Prescott: The Class System and Me BBC2/iPlayer
JOHN PRESCOTT has been deemed unsuitable for young audiences. It might be the swearing or perhaps seeing a bloated septuagenarian being showered with kisses by strange women in Asda is considered psychologically damaging. However once I’ve confirmed that I am over sixteen, the show may begin. The camera pans over ‘Prescott Castle’ accompanied by jovial, you might say mocking, music. Inside, Pauline Prescott, Hull’s answer to Jackie-O, is only too happy to exhibit her home, despite it being the main symbol of Prescott’s inconsistent lifestyle as a working class champion living in decidedly opulent surroundings. I’m distinctly reminded of my grandmother showing off the latest appliance she’s had installed in her poky council flat. Pauline relishes in constantly undermining John’s down to earth stance. She solidly feeds him smoked salmon sandwiches (minus crusts) and asks him to get the Royal Albert teapot for her whilst she mimes winding him up like a clockwork toy when his back is turned. After we’ve watched them relax with tea out of an elegant cup, as opposed to the ‘usual mug’, seen ‘the help’ vacuum Pauline’s ‘regency pelmets’, she comments, ‘God I hope we don’t come across as the Hamiltons, I’d die!’ And no, they do not come across as the Siegfried and Roy of light entertainment. However as the Prescotts are put into increasingly difficult situations on their journey through class I can’t help but note that they seem less canny in their self-exploitation than the ‘I’m a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here!’ graduates. First stop is luncheon with the seventh Earl of Onslow, on meeting the two men get down to class politics and comparing house size whilst Royalist Pauline wrings her hands and wonders if it is good etiquette to curtsey when telling an Earl his flies are undone. Table talk revolves around counselling Prescott: ‘Sometimes I think you’ve got the whole fah-king Alps on your shoulders dear boy.’ To which John viciously counters, ‘Which school did you go to? The world was there for you. ’ Next, he is taken to the Hay on Wye Book Festival. Hardly comfortable territory for a man who proudly claims he has never read a book in his life. (Which would include his ghost written biography, Prezza?) Especially when another festival goer is asked: ‘Have you seen any working class
people here?’ The reply is a whimsical, ‘do they wear badges?’ On defending his somewhat inarticulate speech to hated ‘syntax snob’ Simon Hoggett, Prescott receives another lecture on how he should be ‘proud of himself’ yet the word ‘patronising’ never passes his lips. To discern whether Prescott ‘recognises the working classes of today’ he is taken to Lewisham to meet three unemployed teenagers. Producers may not have felt unease at filming the girls straightening each other’s hair, wondering about the definition of ‘chav’ and asking ‘Who is Gordon Brown?’ Hopefully viewers did. When ‘connecting with the electorate’ Prescott decides it is best just to call them ‘love’, buy Kentucky Fried Chicken and ask them if they feel they have been let down by the government. The voiceover expresses surprise that they connect so well, snidely pointing out: ‘even if the common ground had a little to do with the scrapper in each of them.’ The final douse of vinegar for the chips on Prescott’s shoulders is a visit to the Henley Royal Regatta. Here he makes fast friends by telling private school boys that they have bought their way into the world, only to get egg on his face when the jibe is returned with a loaded question on the quality of state schools. Prescott’s motivation for ‘The Class System and Me’ is to prove himself to his detractors and negate his own self doubt. However if his producers had the same agenda they would have called it ‘The Class System and I’, agreed that croquet really was just the same as crazy golf and the idea would never have reached our screens. Who knows, next week they might get him to punch someone...
Is Friday night telly doomed? Seeing as Jonathan Ross has been suspended for the next 12 weeks, BBC One now has an hour of prime time programming to replace. In a bid to save viewers from switching to ITV Reality Shite, here are some suggestions as to how that golden hour might be filled: 1) A soap opera set in London’s East End. Should feature more than the usual number of births, deaths, marriages, affairs and I’m-not-your-motherI’m-actually-your-brother revelations but not so many as to be unbelievable. This will also provide a useful platform for actors to establish pop careers, attain roles in West End musicals or cameo in other competing soap operas. 2) A topical panel show presented by a different guest host every week. The host must have impeccable auto-cue reading skills and absolutely no connection with any kind of press scandal in preceding weeks. The panels will each consist of a sharp witted, acid-tongued team captain who avoids legal action every other week and a well informed guest who under no circumstances will take pot-shots at whoever is being victimised by the press during that particular week. 3) A situation comedy featuring a nauseatingly dull yet clumsily endearingly middle class family. This is great because it has a really long shelf life, the viewers will love watching the once high-pitched youngest son attempting to hide that puberty is a distant memory and wishes he could trade the dizzy heights of fame for a job in IT. Under no circumstances should Robert Lindsay be cast as the father as this will impinge upon his excellent and convincing portrayal of Admiral Pellew in Hornblower. 4) A sci-fi romp featuring a mysterious time-travelling medical professional. The main character must be affable and quirky, preferably with a regional accent. Possible costumes include Mid-life Crisis Leather Jacket or tweedy suit and brogues. A sidekick is needed to break down the technical language, be frequently rescued and for possible love interest. Preferably with: whinging East End accent, dyed hair, sports clothing, tetchy attitude. All nemeses to feature authoritative English accents. 5) A late night topical chat show fronted by a middle-aged host who dresses like Lord Byron’s deranged cousin. Host will milk speech impediment for comedic value, lech on female guests and make penis jokes with male guests. The in-house band to be comprised of musical style quartet with piano, preferably terrible. --Rory Reynolds and Susan Robinson
Writers Wanted Do you shun the pub, the disco and companionship in favour of the telly? Is BBC iPlayer your best friend? Do you spring a boner for X-Factor? Do you secretly pine for David Dickinson?
Call Churchill direct on 0800 400 5000. Oooohhhh Yes. Jamie Manson
You have just found your true home. Email tv@studentnewspaper.org
20 Music
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
ALBUMS THE SATURDAYS CHASING LIGHTS
FASCINATION
ADDDD “WHY ME, Why now?” How ironic is it, that that’s the name of one of the songs on this unbelievably grotesque throwback to the Spice Girls-ish album, recently released by…(drum roll)… The Saturdays. …How did they KNOW, that I was thinking JUST THAT, as I spent 42.8 minutes listening to their album? “It’s gone too far…no I can’t rewind” So, so true. I have been scarred forever. Kicking things off with ‘If This Is Love’, decidedly their most popular, yet slightly disturbing song, -in a ‘Fatal Attraction’ sort of way- they get you thinking, the album might just be: tolerable. Then of course you remember, ‘These are the same people who used to be part of the S Club Juniors, and then toured with Girls Aloud’, and you think: ‘Oh, silly me!’ The next few tracks, ‘Up’, ‘Keep Her’, ‘Issues’, ‘Lies’, ‘Work’, and ‘Vulnerable’ among others, speak volumes. Not. It’s an emotional moment, when you reach ‘Chasing Lights’, the title song, which promises to be like ‘Chasing Cars’: but isn’t really. By this time, you’re just halfway through and you’re already quite
LAMBCHOP OH (OHIO)
CITY SLANG
AAAAD LAMBCHOP ARE apparently Nashville’s ‘most fucked-up country band’. Being something of the opposite to a country- conossieur myself, I had therefore no idea whether to expect some kind of ode to the cultural crossroads that is the state of Ohio, or to the glory of a carnivorous diet. As i discovered, the band is neither, and instead feels more like a country –tinged-chameleon. The music seems to evolve into different styles as this entirely moody album progresses. All the time we’re guided by the warmth of front man Kurt Wagner’s husky voice, not too dissimilar to the soothing voice of Marvin Gaye, in fact he was so soothing that i almost fell asleep listening to his rhythmic balladry. Opening track ‘Ohio’ has a fuzzy percussion-filled aura, resembling more like something you’d find at the Jazz Bar on a Saturday night, (perhaps without the ubiquitous saxophone, though). I was just about to naively typecast Lambchop as American country rock 50-something-musicians-trying -to-be-cool, when i realised they
sure, that you’ve never heard such a combination before: The Spice Girls meet Atomic Kitten. They’re the Spice Kittens. And it isn’t pretty. Or would you prefer the Atomic Girls? Either way, there’s just something so WRONG about the sound, In short, they’re 2007’s gift to the endless list of girl bands, selling the same themes, the same tunes, and sappy lyrics to thirteen year olds who can’t believe people used to like the Spice Girls. What they don’t realize, is that the Spice Kittens, I mean, The Saturdays, aren’t really all that different from the Spice Girls! This album is recommended to people going through messy breakups. A pack of Oreos, some milk, two boxes of Kleenex, and Chasing Lights, and you have a perfect Saturday night, with, er, The Saturdays. Treat yourself, to a complete ‘Tear-fest on a caffeine high’, filled with homicidal intentions (it DOES sound like they’re singing ‘stab you’ instead of ‘slap you’ in ‘Issues’), and I-want-to-be-upbeat-but-he-cheated-on me sort of music. “Me and my heart, we got issues. Don’t know, if I should hate you or miss you. Damn, I wish that I could resist you! Can’t decide, if I should slap(/stab) you or kiss you.” Word. The menacing, “Ooh…why the running,? Don’t hide!” in ‘Why me, why now’, scar(r)ed me, but if you find yourself nodding, and thinking, ‘WOW!’ instead, this is absolutely the pop album for you. Karishma Sundara
WERE actually cool. My point being; what other country band has a song entitled ‘National Talk Like a Pirate Day’?! Wagner’s subtle wit is reflected in his lyrical humour...’we are pencils, we are righteous’. He makes cryptic and wise observations about daily life which add a mildly philosophical dimension to the album, yet manages to stay light-hearted at the same time. The almost gimmicky twist harks to the awesomeness of The Flaming Lips, and with lines like ‘My pyjamas are still holding our record player’ you get the feeling that the endearing old rockers took a load of acid before writing these songs. Even if you ignore the eccentric lyrics, the majority of tunes contain enough stature to stand alone, thanks to the plethora of musicians mixingup genres of post-punk, rock, soul and jazz crafting their own original sound, something Lambchop are famous for. This marks the 14th album from a group who somehow overturn the word ‘band’ and instead carve themselves as an ‘ensemble’, loving and losing artists and instruments since their inception in ’86. This fluidity perfectly mimics the unstylised ambience of the album, where every song is different and has its own distinct charm. After listening to OH (Ohio) I wouldn’t say they were typically ‘Country’, but i’d agree on ‘fuckedup’....in a good way, though. Juliet Evans
Saturday, Bloody Saturday; Every day is like Sa...we could go on, but we won’t
MIA VIGAR
TRUE ADVENTURES HAPPEN INSIDE...
HUNGRY AUDIO
AAAAD AS THE title suggests, Mia Vigar’s world is one of dreams, of fairytales, of fantasy. The Finnish-London songstress weaves elegant soundscapes reminiscent of Yo La Tengo with skill that Bjork might even be proud of, and the results are for the most part alluringly soothing. Whilst such feather-pillow
melodies make up the most part of this album, there are all sorts of other compositions thrown in the mix, keeping the listener from actually drifting off. The discordant ‘Soothsayer’ is as sinister as it is loud, and a couple of tracks showcase a more mature approach to the catchy Cockney-pop that Kate Nash and Lily Allen are currently lol-ing about the charts. For the most part, it seems like she is trying to play up the Scandinavian half of her identity, possibly to help her stand out from the crowd, yet she evidently can’t stop her southern birthplace sneaking its influence in on some of the more ‘standard’ songs.
Vigar even tries her hand at some more outlandish tracks, leaving the comfort zone of her curious pop songwriting behind and embracing a more bizarre, almost Zappa-esque weirdness. It’s this willingness to stretch herself for the good of the album that makes this such an interesting release; fourteen tracks of blissed out melodic harmony would have done the trick, but with this plethora of stylings, True Adventures Happen Inside You Head works together to give a surreal, ethereal appeal that far surpasses any expectations of this relatively unknown talent. Mike Ellis
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
MusicReview 21
We’re Sorry Jon...Honest
is this news? AN APOLOGY Is This News? was not featured in last weeks issue after Student received literally hundreds of complaints regarding some juvenile and deeply offensive comments about Bon Jon Jovi in this column in our 21 October issue. On behalf of the whole team at Student I would like to take this opportunity to apologise deeply to all those Bon Jon Jovi fans who were offended. Our comments were made in poor taste and without concern for the feelings of others, for which we can only offer the excuse of drunkenness. Although the initial publication of the remarks brought no complaints at all, our comments were later quoted in the influential Bon Jon Jovi Weekly. This brought a wave of incensed complaints from people who have never read our paper and aren’t entirely sure who we are or what we do, but were very sure they were grievously offended. They demanded action. Understandably, the Student editorial team took swift and fair action, suspending the entire Is This News? team and summarily executing the author in question, the infamous Andrew Chadwick.
Photo: Julia Sanches
BALKANARAMA STUDIO 24
FRIDAY 24 OCTOBER
AAAAD
EMERGING AS a highlight of Edinburgh’s club calendar, the monthly Balkanarama is gaining a reputation for unbridled fun. Testament to its growing popularity is this month’s venue. Studio 24 outstrips previous locations’ capacity and yet fills up startlingly early. Having started life as a modest festival celebrating all things Balkan, Balkanarama has evolved into a heady mixture of live bands, finest Balkan beats and plum brandy.
NOAN AND THE WHALE LIQUID ROOMS
SUNDAY 26 OCTOBER
AAAAD
THE EXCITED Sunday night crowd at Liquid Room didn’t have long to wait after the last of the two support acts for the band that everyone had really come to see. Noah and the Whale took the stage shortly before 9 o’clock with the sweetly sung yet lyrically caustic ‘2 Atoms in a Molecule,’ before breaking into their debut hit, ‘Shape of My Heart,’ both to rapturous applause. Without much further ado, the band whipped up the crowd with a selection of the summery folk-rock ditties that their debut album is composed of. Noah and the Whale seem to be made for playing live, with songs like ‘Second Lover’ combining atmospheric melancholy with a joyous brass-heavy refrain that filled the Liquid Room. Unusually, the
Tonight breaks from traditional format – only one live band and one DJ are present – a much slimmed down setup from the photographic exhibition, film screening and multiple rooms of music and dancing seen in previous months. Berlin’s DJ Pixie opens and will close the night with Balkan electro beats. People dance but the sense of anticipation is palpable; everyone knows the night will truly start soon and the catalyst comes from Edinburgh’s very own Orkestra Del Sol. The Orkestra are amazing. Unabashed fun, the ten-piece plays rollicking, brassy Balkan gypsy music with raucous excitement and choice was made to put the band’s most famous (and recent) hit, ‘5 Years Time,’ not at the end of the set but in the middle, creating anticipation as to how Noah and the Whale could manage to finish on a high. Someone had obviously told them that the best way to rouse an Edinburgh crowd is to tell them how enthusiastic the previous night’s audience in Glasgow had been, and after declaring that encores were “lame-o,” Fink challenged the audience to sing along to ‘2 Bodies 1 Heart’ louder and better than their Glaswegian counterparts. Like many of Noah and the Whale’s tracks, ‘2 Bodies 1 Heart’ lies on just the right side of saccharine to cast a spell over the audience, and surely no one could have left afterwards feeling anything other than happy and content: Peaceful the World Lays Me Down, indeed. John Sannaee
glee. The gig is free of cynicism, the Orkestra play with a joyous sense of humour that masks but does not over power their excellent musicianship. Playing with glee, they are a band playing for the sheer joy of it and the audience loves them for it. This mutual adoration meets like waves crashing together over the dance floor, whipping up a sweaty, bouncing brass driven frenzy. The party is started with a fantastic crash of horns and does not break till three, or well into next week for some. DJ Pixie rounds off the evening, after just enough encores from Orkestra Del Sol, maintaining that distinctive Balkan tone.
METRONOMY CABARET VOLTAIRE
WEDENESDAY 29 OCTOBER
AAAAD
IN ATTEMPTING to describe the band Metronomy in one word, for want of something less generic I would have to say fun. What else could you say of a band that regularly appears on stage sporting push lights on their chests and performing synchronized dance routines? Granted, having seen them on their last tour I had been hoping for some new developments in terms of visual spectacle. However, this was more than made up for by their musical performance. The set list consisted predominantly of songs from their new album Nights Out, released in September, described as being “a half-arsed concept album about going out and having a crap time.” They kicked off with ‘Holiday’, but it was with the next song, ‘On the Motorway’, that
The dank interior of Studio 24 is perfectly suited to this kind of event. Tonight is free from the posing of Itchy Feet or the messy hellfire and damnation of Jakn or steelworks; a Studio 24 night without taint – astonishing considering just how filthy the place is. Sore of limb and far from sober, the blinking masses emerge from Studio 24, met by the cold Edinburgh night. Sadly our glorious trip into the hot romance, colour and passion of the Balkans is over for yet another month. Jack Serle
We at Is This News? now recognise that we were wrong to write mildly offensive comments in the anticipation that our usual audience would find them funny. We recognise that cynical old hacks attempting to whip up hysterical frenzies of self-righteous outrage can take our words out of the context of our publication and show them to exactly the sort of Bon Jon Jovi fans who would find them offensive. And we now realise that the fundamental, perhaps only, rule of comedy is not to offend old men. We are all terribly sorry, Bon Jon Jovi. In the spirit of this apology, we would like to present the replacement for Is This News?: Isn’t This Nice?
things really picked up. From Pip Paine, we only got ‘Black Eye/Burnt Thumb’, though this was remedied by an encore of ‘You Could Easily Have Me’ after protests for more when they finished with ‘Radio Ladio’. The atmosphere was definitely enhanced tremendously by the fact that Cabaret Voltaire was filled to maximum capacity with a fully appreciative audience, with no hesitation to dance and whoop supportively. Metronomy are a brilliant band who make innovative use of a mix of orchestral and electronic sounds. Though done wrongly this could easily result in their being mistaken for a marching band with an electronic edge let loose at a circus, their catchy riffs and melodies make it work. Though perhaps not the most poignant of artists, if what you require in a gig is simply an opportunity for a good boogie, they put on a fully engaging show and are well worth catching. Anna MacSwan
News reaches us that Queen of Pop Madonna tried to tie husband Guy Ritchie into a marriage contract that arranged sexual relations between the pair weeks in advance. We think that’s a superb idea for adding stability and structure to a marriage, and anyone who thinks she’s a vicious old harpy is deeply mistaken. Our LA correspondent sends word that Joaquin Phoenix is planning to quit acting to focus on his music career. The actor, famous for his roles in Walk the Line and Gladiator, is reported to be working on a project with Charlatan’s frontman Tim Burgess. Anyone who dreamed of mentioning something like fellow Gladiator star Russell Crowe’s underwhelming acoustic rock band Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts or other failed Hollywood-Music transitions by the likes of Keanu Reeves, Steven Seagal and Scarlett Johanssen, well, they’d just be plain nasty. TK
22 Culture
The Intimate Portrait
Mary Rose The Lyceum Until 15 November
Scottish National Portrait Gallery Until 1 Febrary
aaaad
aaaad According to the visitor’s comment book, ‘Awesome mate!! High five for Australia!’ is how one enthusiastic person responded to The Intimate Portrait, the main exhibition currently on at the Scottish National Portrait Gallery. An unusual reaction, given that Australia’s representation in this survey of portrait painting in the Georgian and Regency period in Britain is, understandably, absolutely non existent. Not quite as confusing, is the ‘awesome’ bit. This exhibition, despite its slightly unpromising pitch claiming its status as the first main exhibition to focus on the ‘more intimate types’ of portraiture from this period, is actually pretty impressive. Just fewer than 200 works have been selected from the collections of the British Museum and the National Galleries of Scotland in order to demonstrate the beauty and importance, relative to more celebrated oil paintings, of smaller, quickly executed likenesses in the days before photography. Many artists were involved in creating this type of work, which ranged from miniatures - watercolours generally painted on ivory that were either displayed in cabinets or worn as jewellery - to pastels and drawings of family and friends to be kept in albums or portfolios, or framed to be displayed in homes. Some fantastic self-portraits are also on display: a young, curly locked Sir Joshua Reynolds defiantly returning your gaze is particularly compelling. Drawings and paintings such as these were able to be more informal than those oil portraits intended for public display, and as a result seem more introspective and visually truthful. Here the relationship
Langlands and Bell Talbot Rice Gallery Until 13 December
aaadd When the green man appeared I immediately crossed the road, joined the line of pedestrians weaving around the fluorescent yellow bollards bordering the building works and, after blindly following the trail of arrows that lead up to the Talbot Rice Gallery, arrived at the new exhibition of Ben Langlands and Nikki Bell. The first video, ‘Borough Market’, was initially monotonous and unfathomable; scene after scene of random city life played to background music you tolerate listening to when on hold to a call centre, rather than the selection you would expected from an acclaimed, Turner Prize nominated double act. However, the longer I sat, the
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
relationship between the artist and the sitter greatly influences the way they are represented, partly because the obligation to convey a particular style or trait that the audience could recognise was lessened. It is easy to find the pictures touching, for they are often humorous, and brilliantly capture personalities or fleeting expressions. However, portraits of friends and families were also useful commercial tools, as they were frequently used to advertise the artist’s work to visitors to their studio, or to the hoards that attended the Royal Academy- the principle exhibition space of the time. These more ‘intimate’ portraits, therefore, are not only of interest for their subject matter, but they are generally extraordinarily skilful. The studies of the miniatures alone show great dexterity, while the unbelievable fineness of the pencil strokes in some of the drawings capture the contours of a face more subtly than any photograph. This is a great little exhibition, providing ample evidence to show why such portraits were such an integral presence within gentrified Georgian circles, and why they deserve to be given more attention today. Lily Le Brun
clearer it became; the initially chaotic images of people, trains, lifts and passages changed into a fluid network of associations, reoccurring signs and symbols; even the very ones that I had unconsciously followed to get to the exhibit itself appeared and suddenly a universally unspoken language, usually lying unacknowledged in the background, was sharply brought to my attention. Each film is heavily punctuated with these everyday unspoken codes, from the high heeled boots in ‘Pseudo’ that immediately suggest danger and seduction to the repeated image of dictaphones in ‘Zardad’s Dog’ that instantly create a scene of frenzy; symbols replace the traditionally verbal narrative in film and shape the structure of the story. Codes of language are also investigated by the pair; abbreviations and acronyms used by air traffic control hover over the entire exhibition in the installation ‘Frozen Sky’, and those of art museums are lit up in neon in the aptly titled ‘A Muse Um’, giving them significance as a language in itself.
There is something seductively topical about a ghost story at this time of year. Even after Halloween has passed, the long, dark nights especially in conjunction with Edinburgh’s sinister architecture and otherworldly cold - put you in the mood for a good scare. Mary Rose does not disappoint, with creepy tinkling music, screams and loud bangs in all the right places. The tale has its roots in Irish folklore and follows a rich tradition of fairy stories dealing with abduction and memory. It shares much common ground with Barrie’s earlier play, Peter Pan, (which is probably better suited to Spring), but adds a much darker twist, dealing with abandonment, old age and death. Mary Rose tells the story of a young girl who vanishes on a mysterious island, returning twenty-five years later with no recollection of
The same can be seen in ‘NGO’, a piece derived from Langlands’ and Bell’s trip to Afghanistan as official war artists. Photographs of signs littered with English, Persian and illustrated symbols are given the status of an art form rather than a means to another end. Perhaps it is not surprising then, given the stress they put on networks and hidden codes, that the exhibition itself embodies one. Sitting watching ‘Folkstone-Boulogne’, an unnerving film where immigrants appear imprisoned by the vast sea on a strange island of weird tradition, it is impossible not to notice the supposedly deliberate infiltration of the films around it. To the left the terrifying, horror film ‘Pseudo’ adds an element of suspense, with an explicit breakin and brutal attack. Behind, clips from ‘Borough Market’ show famous English landmarks, in particular the dome of St Paul’s Cathedral, standing symbolically as the far-off land the immigrants are trying desperately to reach. The real high-point of the exhi-
her absence. Going home, she finds her husband and parents aged and the son she remembers as a baby grown up and left. Horrified, she frantically searches the house for her child, a search that continues long after her death and long after she has forgotten what she is searching for. Kim Gerard plays Mary Rose with a fey, impish charm, which at times becomes a little sickly sweet, especially for those who find the adult-playing-child formula creepy. Nonetheless, she is appropriately unnerving and successfully conveys her character’s emotional disintegration. The set is brilliantly designed, with a thin veil falling to facilitate quick leaps back and forth through time. The additions and subtractions of sheets over furniture make for a surprisingly dramatic swing between ‘scary’ and ‘not scary’, while the lighting instils as much fear as a child playing with a dimmer switch (quite a lot). The music is simple and effective, with a set piece played whenever things are about to turn a bit odd, giving the audience ample opportunity to pay extra attention or run in
terror. Despite the macabre premise, undertones and overtones of the play, it is also funny. The exchanges between Mary Rose’s elderly father and the local vicar are especially well done, with the cantankerous old men bickering competitively over their knowledge of art and state of health. Their feuds are always settled by the intervention of Mary Rose’s mother, after which the two affectionately reaffirm their friendship. The continuations of this dynamic over time, along with the loving scenes between the old couple, give the play warmth and take the sting out of what is ultimately a very sad story. The end leaves the stage desolate. There is a strong sense of time passed naturally as well as time eerily stolen, and it is this parallel that gives Mary Rose its richness. It is simultaneously a play about love and family and a ghost story, neither of which is weakened by the other. The effect is both familiar and supernatural and like Mary Rose, you won’t know where to put yourself. Lisa Parr
bition is ‘The House of Osama Bin Laden’, the work the artists received Turner Prize nominations for in 2004. Its video-game concept serves as welcome light relief amongst the coded films that demand a lot of concentration. Although, whether trying to find the hiding place of one of theworld’s most infamous terrorists should be considered the exhibition’s fun,lighthearted activity is open to debate.
Overall, the exhibition is a fascinating insight into the last twenty years of Langlands’ and Bell’s artistic production and although the development of their art has rested more on technological rather than conceptual innovation, they have such an important influence in contemporary artistic culture that their show in Edinburgh is one not to be missed. Rachel Cloughton
Langlands & Bell - A Muse Um Digital animation still, 2007
Week 7 04.11.08
Culture 23
Student
Cool Britannia Ben Fried visits the Tate Modern to discover why it has been voted Britain’s tenth coolest brand
T
he sight is famous now. Walk down to the river from the fine, old buildings of Fleet Street, clamber onto the Millennium Bridge, and there it lies, or rather looms before you. A hunk of dull, industrial brick and chimney rising up squarely over the south bank of the Thames. ‘Inviting’ is hardly the word to describe the Tate Modern; ‘imposing’ is more accurate, but still fails to capture the sheer thud of this unlikely house of art. And yet the gallery is, by all accounts, the cultural success story of the decade for Britain. At the end of September, it was voted the tenth coolest brand in the country (in CoolBrand’s annual list), outstripping a horde of luxury cars and other tech toys. So how did the Tate Modern, a museum of all things, become an icon? It was in the year 2000 that the new museum opened as a repository for all the Tate Britain’s post1900 work—modern art. That year saw the essential elements fall into place: unusual, provocative curating, the annual installation in the massive Turbine Hall, and overwhelming numbers of visitors. Over five million people walked through the Tate Modern’s doors in its inaugural year. The next five years saw some memorable artistic triumphs, notably Olafur Eliasson’s 2003 recreation of the sun in the Turbine Hall. Tate Modern filled a void in the London art scene, where previously there had been no museum of modern art. In return for taking a chance on the disused Bankside power station, London found itself an international capital of art. These days, there is little to darken the Tate Modern’s horizon. Visitor numbers are up again, to 5.2 million in 2006/07, and The Guardian recently reported the museum to be the second most visited tourist attraction in Britain, after Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Meanwhile, popular success and curatorial integrity, on display in the current Rothko retrospective, seem finely balanced. Brimming with confidence and ambition, gallery officials have taken the unsurprising step of commissioning an expansion. The new building—a brick pyramid—is due to be completed by 2012, just in time to supplement any cultural gap at the London Olympics. And so we come to the nub: the Tate has managed to make modern art a crowd-pleaser. How it did so is a puzzling question. For one thing, the Tate’s collection is commonly judged in the art world to be merely passable. It is “spotty,” to quote the New York Times art critic Roberta Smith, and certainly not a patch on the holdings of the mighty Museum of Modern Art in New York. A roomful of late Rothkos, Picasso’s ‘Weeping Woman’,
and ‘The Snail’ by Matisse constitute the Tate Modern’smain, and mainly unspectacular, treasures. However, the meagreness of the art may itself be a source of the Tate’s noticeable drive, a constant spur to its curators’ craft, and the reason its collections are interestingly hung thematically rather than chronologically. It is worth remembering the smaller pleasures though too: the Tate was free long before the government made free admission public policy, there are seating areas, the café isn’t too expensive, and the bookstore is well-stocked. But comfort for the visitor and a fairly unusual approach to hanging art—are these truly reasons enough to explain why the Tate
and unfinished wood floors in the rest of the museum further maintain the austere grandeur. And something even more interesting than charisma is going on, a correspondence between the art and its space. The effect of the structure is immediate, not artful, and forceful, rather than pleasing; thus the Tate, perhaps alone, implicitly questions the appropriateness of setting for contemporary art. Unlike, say, the Scottish National Gallery of Modern Art, the Bankside power station is of an age with its holdings. And if, like the Guggenheim in Bilbao, the Tate is more notable for its building than for its art, that is because the building is just as much a
is outstripping its local rivals, let alone drawing close to the MoMA? No, if London is now an art capital and the Tate commands power and icon-status, then the reason lies in the building itself. In her measured praise of the Tate in 2006, Roberta Smith declared that “architecture is destiny.” This was a compliment, though some reflection may be required to see why the Tate should be happily defined by its plain, post-industrial power station. So consider the experience of walking down the entrance ramp into the spare, futuristic Turbine Hall—it imposes a uniquely solemn, exalted atmosphere. Tall ceilings, bare surfaces,
part of the art on display. The power plant-gallery does not engage everyone. Peter Schjeldahl, the most engaging and astute art critic in America, has written in The New Yorker of the museum’s oppressiveness, calling it “a scandalously lousy place for looking at art.” If space is destiny, however, then this is the Tate’s necessary vision of modern art. Its challenge to a startled art world is unignorable, and is indeed likely to be reinforced by the coming expansion. As the CoolBrand list shows, confrontation and daring, like sex, always sell.
All quiet on the
Western Front Kings Theatre Until 1 November
aaaaa It is a real testament to a production when, in front of an audience including a group of thirteen year old school children, one man can tell another he loves him and no giggling can be heard. Starring James Alexandrou (Martin Fowler from EastEnders) All Quiet on the Western Front is an incredibly emotive play about a group of German soldiers who are faced with the struggles of World War One. It is a real eye opener to see events from the perspective of ‘the enemy’ and find yourself sympathising with them. This element transforms the stage adaptation of Erich Maria Remarque’s novel into a statement about the universality of human nature. Everything about this production works towards creating the right atmosphere. The audience see-saw between laughter and tears as one minute we observe the boys encountering some French Mademoiselles, while the next we are thrust into the horror of the trenches. Despite the fluid status of the play which swings between action-drama and comedy there was never any doubt as to the response the audience should have. This can be credited towards Robert Kingsland’s script which never leaves the audience without concern for the thematic content of the play. The bond between the soldiers is apparent throughout as a result of the acting which never loses energy regardless of the actors being present on stage at all times. One scene in particular where the strength of the acting shines is when Paul Baumer (Alexandrou), is stuck lying in no-man’s land and one of the opposition is sent
around to check that all the men on the ground are dead. To save himself, James butchers the man with a knife reinforcing the sentiment that although every other passion may have left an individual, the will to survive lives on. He removes his victim’s helmet and looks in his wallet only to discover his name and that he has a wife and children. This display of mental agony from Alexandrou as Baumer is incredible – EastEnders has clearly lost one of its best assets. It seems unfair to single out Alexandrou’s performance; it would be much more accurate to say that a paradigm performance was displayed by all those on stage. This is especially because the script requires them to perform as other characters in flashback scenes. When not part of the main focus, they create sound effects of shells by clashing bits of metal with the stage, organise the lighting and play music. This means that they are constantly rushing around, climbing on bits of set, which rather than being distracting for the audience, creates the atmosphere of the frantic nature of war. The actors were also involved in manipulating the set which was very minimalist, only consisting of long boxes which served as seats, beds, prop storage spaces, a cart and a toilet. This was highly visually effective for both practical and aesthetic reasons, and allowed the scenes to flow into one another and prevent the story from faltering. The play achieves everything it sets out to and leaves its audience with a powerful message that war is not something from which fortune and glory can be gained, but rather is something terrifying that can end your life. The latter sentiment is captured in the most tragic but understated scene of all which sees Paul’s own life ending, with an almost unheard ‘pop’ of a gun just before peace time. It translates the message that nobody will remember an individual soldier who fought bravely for years of his life only to be murdered at the last minute.
Alanna Petrie
24 Lifestyle
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
Getting to know you...
LIFESTYLE: TRAVEL
Hidden Gems of Amsterdam
Laura Peebles discovers there’s more to this infamous capital than meets the blurry eye
MENTION AMSTERDAM to any student and you can bet that the conversation will very quickly turn to dope. For many of the student population Amsterdam is inseparable from the fact that the use of cannabis is legal. With licensed hash cafes all over the joint, it sounds like a stoner’s paradise. Or just a great place to party. However, Amsterdam is just so much better than its reputation would have you believe. A cultural centre and a beautiful city, Amsterdam is worth exploring. Of course, you have the well known and extremely popular attractions such as
the Van Gogh Museum, Anne Frank’s House and the red-light district, all of which definitely deserve a visit. Although, just a small warning, the red-light district is a bit of an anticlimax as it is literally just a street. However, what makes Amsterdam so exciting is all the undiscovered little treasures that you don’t generally tend to hear about. One of these is the area known as ‘Nine Streets’. These are nine little, narrow streets within the ‘Grachtengordel’, the concentric canal system. Down these streets you will find, jam-packed together,
the most fabulous vintage shops, boutiques, tea-rooms, restaurants and quaint, cosy pubs. In particular, there is the tearoom, ‘Pompadour’, which is like no other that you will have experienced. Inside it is beautifully extravagant. The hand-made cakes and chocolates are little works of art. The atmosphere is light with a marvellous sense of indulgence. For only a few euros, it is truly the most perfect place for an afternoon cup of tea and slice of cake. If, however, afternoon tea is not quite your thing then maybe
picnics are. After a quick visit to ‘Big Bananas Nightshop’ which sells the most sumptuos, freshest fruit (I would recommend a punnet of strawberries and a punnet of raspberries to complete any picnic), make your way to ‘Vondelpark’. Just beside the ‘Museumplein’, Vondelpark really is an oasis of calm in the middle of a busy city. The luscious, green, expanse is filled with big ponds, beautiful flowers and other delightful sights. Within the park there is also a film museum, which, if you are in to things like that, is also good for having a look around in or for actually watching a film. Even simply going for a wander through the many streets will give you a sense of what Amsterdam is really like. Everybody rides their slightly retro bicycles down the cobbled streets. The canal boats, which line the sides of the rivers, are lovely. The buildings are old and interesting. It is all these little things which create such a beautiful and fascinating city. Even if it rains you will be able to appreciate its charm. Amsterdam is a fantastic city and is a great place to go, even just for a few days. It is not far away and flights are cheap. So don’t just go to have a totally mental weekend away; you can get wasted any day of the week while you are in Edinburgh. Go to experience the city, find exciting things and get a little culture.
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Cheap and cheerful or a flying fatality? Lyndsey Woods reveals that jetting off ‘aint so Easy with budget airlines
ARE YOU patient of the drunken hooligan? Do you appease the jabbering cabby? Maybe you are heralded for your empathic understanding of the incessantly late friend? When I mention the words ‘Ryanair’, ‘cancellation’, or ‘baggage fine’ how do you feel? Are your judgments still peppered with rational and reason? I doubt it. When it comes to the budget airline we have officially lost our cool. In the flash of a Ryanair baggage fine a Jekyl and Hyde transformation occurs. I have bore witness to the event; passengers morph from sweet, doe-eyed lambs into wild, crazed, livid creatures, gnashing teeth and spitting obscenities at anyone unfortunate enough to be wearing blue and yellow. What on earth is our problem? In theory we should be thankful for such airlines. Think of all the places you’ve seen thanks to Ryanairfacilitated globetrotting. How can any of us be disgruntled with an airline that, on the surface, offers fares that costs just £10? Yet every time I book a flight the same internal dialogue unfolds; “Don’t do it, remember the last time, it’s not worth it.” Like with the ex who has broken our heart, we remind ourselves of the horrific past experiences. Yet we foolishly return, knowing once again we will be sorely
A fortnightly grilling of your societies to find out who’s well ‘ard, and who is just hard work.
Student: Who are you? NM: Nomad Magazine Student: What’s your problem? al How this University’s run by NM: corporate big whigs who don’t understand the great variety to be found in this world, man. Student: Sell your society in ten words.... NM: A place of liberty and creative expression of those experiences that make us want to continue living (yes, I know I’m 7 words over). Student: What’s the craziest thing your society has ever done? NM: We broke EUSA regulations by applying for a grant twice in two years. Shit happens. Student: Who is your favourite member right now? NM: Sam and Eloise, for their harassing of a male pole dancer at last week’s social. Student: As a society, how fit are you from 1-10? NM: 7, but at the start of term it was 9, due to the number of post pubescent freshers. Student: What’s your society’s dream event? NM: A synchronised diving competition in an ampli-theatre, built on Odyssey’s island, in the Adriatic Sea. Student: Could you take down a bear? NM: Yes, if it was a toy bear on a shop shelf.
Jamie Manson
disappointed, we will be let down. I wonder if I enjoy the pain. Do I get a sick pleasure from having to wait 36 hours in an airport, or forking out £20 for the privilege of a reprinted boarding pass? I look at myself and ask; am I a Ryanair masochist? The list of grievances with the airline is endless (classics are cancelled flights and ridiculous baggage fines). With a mighty and offensive leap, the line has been officially crossed and costumers are searching for emotive outlets, places to purge feelings of outrage over the ‘Ryanair treatment”. One such haven is tucked away in cyberspace, the “I hate Ryanair” website, where passengers can find pages of outraged
comments. Surprisingly (or not) even the Ryanair staff have jumped on the airline-bashing band wagon, calling their employment scheme “fraud” that is “very well hidden in smart contracts and based on big lies”. Both costumers and employees are evidently less than content with the company’s conduct. It was therefore not surprising that the airline recently landed in a new controversy over the decision to cut down on fuel during flights. According to The Sunday Times, a contributor on the Ryanair pilot’s website stated it’s “insane to push pilots to fly with the minimum fuel and take the risk of ending with a low-fuel situation”. It would seem that the prudent
people at Ryanair would rather keep their bank balance brimming than avoid a potential catastrophe. As I think of personal and communal grievances I feel a wave of anger overcome me, a tingling irritation passes through my body and settles on my fingertips. The wounds have clearly not healed. Once and for all we should break this cycle of destruction. No longer shall we be sucked in by the cheapness, the crassness, the wrongness of it all. Let us move on, step up and preserve our good nature. We shall not be the people who are hardened, embittered and poisoned by Ryanair. It’s time for a boycott. Who’s on board?
Student: Could you beat student in a fight? NM: We’d tie them up to an elephant by their hands and then make it stampede, breaking every bone known to man. Student: EUSA or EUSA - less? NM: EUSA - less for charging 65p for crisps in the library cafe. Student: Pick a song for your Soc... NM: We’re all going on a summer holiday...... Student: Yes or no? NM: Fuck your binary oppositions. Student: Anything else to add? NM: We are currently looking for submissions email nomadmagazine@gmail.com. We’re also running a Battle of the Bands on Tues 25 November in Teviot, so come along for a night of music warfare. Yeah.
Student Student
Week 7 04.11.08
Tech 25
Down in Albion Alan Williamson and Sausages the dog explore the wonderful world of Fable II FABLE II MICROSOFT GAME STUDIOS
X360 £39.99 DO YOU remember when games were easy to play? My Dad and I had lots of fun playing Sonic when I was five. Nowadays if I handed him a copy of Oblivion it would be like giving him a neuroanatomy textbook: different media, same expression of bewilderment. Games in 2008 are vastly different from 1991. They are complicated to the point where you can’t just pick up and play them, and require prior knowledge or careful wading through endless tutorials. In contrast, it’s easy to see how the intuitive arm flapping of the Wii has been so successful. Luckily Fable II is here to save the day for team Xbox: easy to enjoy, yet with a lasting depth and complexity. It’s the gaming equivalent of Guinness. Fable promised the earth: a huge world brimming with character that you could remake in your own image as you wished. Instead it was difficult to make an impact in Albion at all; the world carried on regardless of how many paupers were killed or bandits thwarted. Fable was and is an enjoyable romp, but to say it fell short of expectations is a slight understatement. Five hundred years have passed since the story of Fable. A penniless orphan in the slums of Bowerstone, events are set in motion that lead you on an epic journey- the nature of which is up to you.Are you a courageous hero
who stands up for justice, family and always lends a hand to those in need? Or are you a malevolent rogue who shags prostitutes while drinking and murdering… and also in the game? In Fable, it didn’t really matter whether you were good or evil. In Fable II, it changes everything. Take the side of good and towns prosper, their villagers showering you with gifts and marriage proposals. Side with evil and cities burn to the ground, slavers roam the countryside and assassination contracts appear with frightening regularity.Your actions truly make a difference to the world, making for some difficult decisions as the game’s story unfolds. The biggest successes of Fable II are not those which build on the original game, rather the way in which it approaches the basics so differently from anything else on the market. Anyone who has played a modern adventure game will be familiar with staring at an inaccurate mini-map and trying to navigate in vain.The ingenious solution is to place a glowing trail on the ground guiding you to your next objective. Want to explore instead? Just ignore the trail and it fades away. Likewise, combat has been elegantly reduced to using just one button for melee attacks. It’s not possible to die in Fable II: after being knocked down you’ll spring back to life with a burst of energy. Rather than making the fighting feel easy or pointless, it lets you concentrate on the thrill of battle. In short, it feels heroic. Every game in the future will be worse for not including it.
Perhaps the best addition to the Fable formula is your dog. Man (or woman)’s best friend is always by your side: he’ll bark to get your attention when he spots a treasure chest or a spot to dig for goodies, growl when enemies approach and tackle downed foes. You can even teach him tricks or play catch in a field when you want a break from all that adventuring. The dog has more personality than most game characters in recent memory and I couldn’t resist spoiling him rotten. Unfortunately, it’s in Fable II’s cooperative play that the hype machine rears its ugly head again, threatening to spoil all the fun.We were promised two heroes playing for gold and glory over Xbox Live or in ‘couch co-op’. However, when joining a friend’s game a generic henchman inexplicably replaces the hero you’ve invested so much time in personalising. It’s not a total loss- the henchman inherits your abilities and gains experience for your hero- but it is a baffling inclusion. When the biggest problem I can think of is some ropey online implimentation, it’s clear that Fable II is an exceptional game and among the best I’ve played in years. It’s not perfect, but the irritating glitches seem insignificant in light of the overall quality of the game. It is a hilarious, swashbuckling, massive, incredible and most importantly fun adventure that is all too easy to love. Of all the choices you can make in Fable II, one is easy: if you play games, buy it. If you don’t play games, now is definitely the time to start.
A Patchy Territory: Richard Lane investigates the disturbing trend of unfinished games IF YOU’VE ever played an online game like World of Warcraft or Team Fortress 2, you’ll know developers are constantly altering their creations. Whether it’s fixing bugs or adding new content, regular updates are crucial to keep online worlds feeling fresh and entertaining. However, you might not be aware that this sort of tinkering is now happening to single player games, highlighted by the recent release of The Witcher: Enhanced Edition. The Witcher was a well-received Polish role-playing game released last October. It was hardly without problems including performance issues, a clumsily translated script and loading times so long you could write a dissertation during them. Enhanced Edition has undoubtedly solved these problems, but this post-release development raises an issue in itself: is it acceptable for developers to publish unpolished games, correcting the issues at a later date?
Upon its release in September, S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Clear Sky contained more bugs than a termite mound. These ranged from graphical glitches to PC-crashing monsters. However on the day of the game’s release, a sizeable patch was made available for download that fixed many of these problems. Patches for PC games are as common as Cheryl Cole, but the fact that the Clear Sky patch was available on day one suggests the developers were fully aware of the problems before release, carrying on regardless. This is GSC’s second bite of the cherry. S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Shadow of Chernobyl crept onto shelves in March last year after a staggering six
years in development, shipping with several technical problems and failing to reach its lofty ambitions. Clear Sky had an eighteenmonth production cycle, yet the state of the game upon release suggests that GSC overcompensated for their
previous lengthy development and chose to deal with the issues after release. Essentially, anyone who bought Clear Sky paid for an incomplete product- something that would cause outrage if it were a CD, DVD, or console game. This kind of development is not just ethically questionable; it’s financially dangerous. Flagship Studios’ Hellgate: London failed to live up to expectations after many gamers complained it was released in an unfinished state. This was later admitted in an interview with Flagship’s CEO, Bill Roper: “The game would certainly have benefited from a couple of more months in the oven.” Flagship dissolved in August, and such was the furore over the half-baked Hellgate that a new term was coined to de-
scribe such a game: Flagshipped. It seems unfair to tar The Witcher with the same brush: it was by no means unfinished and the developers could easily have attempted to address the issues in a second game, as with S.T.A.L.K.E.R: Clear Sky. Instead they returned to their original offering, fine-tuned it and added several hours of new content. What’s more, the Enhanced Edition has been made available as a free download for those who purchased the original game. Pop into HMV and you will find an entire wall dedicated to the various editions of Blade Runner; the general consensus among film critics is that the Final Cut is the definitive version. Such is the case with The Witcher: Enhanced Edition. While some developers sacrifice the quality of their games for the sake of deadlines, it is comforting to know that there are others who support quality products and good business sense in equal measure.
Student
26 Sport
Week 7 04.11.08
Boxing’s month of destiny Michael Klimes previews the big November fights in British boxing It is a rare spectacle when two great fighters meet in their primes and produce a fight of the ages. Recently, boxing has countered this trend, at least briefly when Antonio Margarito and Miguel Cotto confronted each other on a scorching day in Las Vegas. Their example reminds new fans there were eras when this happened regularly and boxing politics was not used as an excuse to prevent bouts from materialising. Nevertheless it is probably better to see two boxers that should always have fought fight later rather than never. On November 8, Joe Calzaghe will hope to finish his career on a high by defeating Roy Jones Junior, not only the most brilliant fighter of his generation but also one of the greatest who has ever lived. It is hard to forget how far Jones has fallen since he was untouchable in the 1990s. In his early days Jones had footwork that made Gene Kelly, James Brown and Michael Jackson look ungraceful. The precision of his punching, the angles they came from, the speed and the ease with which he eliminated accomplished opponents demonstrated a casual savagery. Jones was so good that he got bored with his art until the catastrophic year of 2004. His invincibility was extinguished as he was knocked out by Glen Johnson and Antonio Tarver. What got him into the mess was that his formidable reflexes had slowed down considerably. Furthermore, Jones had never been a fundamentally sound boxer or as sound as he could have been due to the fact that he used his reflexes to hide his mistakes. The flaws that had always been present in his style revealed themselves glaringly. However, Jones has managed to regain a degree of momentum after his shocking losses. He has fought three times since 2005 and won all of these bouts. These battles were not against striking opposition but they allowed Jones to build up some confidence and a sense of winning again. Defeating Prince Badi Ajamu, Anthony Hanshaw and Felix Trinidad showed Jones still had a degree of athletic prowess but does he still have enough to compete at the elite level and be considered a special fighter? Calzaghe has taken the view that Jones is still a force to be reckoned with and that a victory against him is not only profitable or his bank balance but also his legacy. There are those who think Calzaghe is taking the gentle route and should have chosen a different opponent. Previously, I was of the opinion that, he [Calzaghe] had earned the
BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS: Calzaghe will be looking to bow out on a high on Saturday night right but that that did not make it the right choice. Now I question the validity of my judgment. Roy Jones Junior might just offer Calzaghe a much harder fight than most pundits have predicted. There
In his early days Jones had footwork that made Gene Kelly, Michael Jackson and James Brown look ungraceful are a number of important variables that have to be considered. Although Calzaghe is younger, undefeated and carrying the aura of invincibility, he was made to look vulnerable by Bernard Hopkins in April. He can be sloppy in the early stages of a fight, as seen against Kessler and Hopkins where his guard was not as tight as it should have been and he sustained unnecessary damage. Later Calzaghe ad-
justed but there are weaknesses that Jones can look to exploit with his vast experience and shrewd boxing brain. Calzaghe has superior speed, work rate and better fundamentals but his style is that of an aggressive counter-puncher. Jones will know that Calzaghe is at his most comfortable when the other man comes toward him and so he could plagiarise some of Bernard Hopkins’s strategy and be the sneaky counter-puncher who lands less frequently but the more telling blows. Jones undoubtedly has the superior firepower and has fought many of his fights, much more in fact than Calzaghe at the light heavyweight limit. David Haye who also has a big fight a week later summed up the problem for Calzaghe succinctly: “Joe’s not that effective against someone who’s a counterpuncher and who doesn’t chase him round the ring. Bernard Hopkins’s plan was to counter-punch, counterpunch, and that’s what I think Roy Jones will do.” He also observes, ‘‘If Joe comes into this fight thinking he’s going to
fight an old man who isn’t up for it, he could be in for a hard night’s work, because Jones has such fast hands. Jones will do what Jones always does, he’s not going to do anything new. And if he can throw
‘‘He could be in for a hard night’s work because Jones has fast hands.” David Haye’s take on Calzaghe’s chances against Jones combinations like he once did, he could nick rounds.’’ Haye probably overestimates Jones’ speed but then others can do the same with Calzaghe. The key to this fight will most definitely be that speed as both boxers rely on it so much. Who gets off to the quickest start is of critical importance. David Haye meanwhile fights the dangerous Monte Barrett on the 15 November in London. Haye is
beginning his foray into the heavyweight division where he wants to become the undisputed champion of the world. The former cruiser weight has issued an ultimatum to all the fighters whom he considers as boring, overpaid and overrated. If he does not perform magnificently, he will have failed to live up to his own hype. It is ironic that he has picked a nimble fisted adversary. Barrett presents a problem for Haye as he is relatively fresh for his 37 years and has a considerable amount of experience. What is ominous is that Barrett has a history of being a spoiler as he stole the clean sheet from Dominick Guinn, the American version of Audley Harrison, albeit much better. Barrett has also only lost to fighters that are regarded as the top heavyweights; Hasim Rahman, Nikloi Valuev and Wladimir Klitschko. In effect, he is a gatekeeper, technically proficient and a solid all round fighter. Haye’s fighting style, like his personality commands notice. The last significant fight is Ricky Hatton’s fight against Paulie Malignaggi on 22 November. It is the classic boxer versus puncher match up. Malignaggi enters the fight with 25 wins and a solitary loss against Miguel Cotto. Malignaggi has little power but is a slick counter-puncher who likes to entertain yet that removes nothing from his gritty steeliness and ability to exchange with hard punchers. He has brittle hands and Hatton could look to exploit that. Hatton enters the bout with 45 wins and also just one defeat, Frankly speaking, Hatton did not look impressive in his previous bout against Juan Lazcano but then neither did Malignaggi. Since his win over Kostya Tsyzu in 2005, Hatton’s style has become sloppier with a looser defence, hardly any jab and a head that is far too easy to hit. A long time ago, Hatton did possess and exhibit competent boxing skills but now he does not really utilise these assets. His current partnership with his trainer, the superb but egotistical Floyd Mayweather Senior, father of Floyd Mayweather Jr could infuse some fighting discipline. Hatton will look to crowd Malignaggi in usual fashion and unleash those wicked hooks to his body so that he can slow him down and finish him off. Malignaggi, if he does not let his pride get the better of him will outfox Hatton with a hit and run strategy. Whatever happens in these three fights during November, they concern Britain’s three most important fighters. Loses for all of them will not only terminate careers but also harm reputations. There are no points for second place in the ring.
Week 7 04.11.08
Student
Sport 27
Edinburgh see off Heriot Watt with ease Men’s Football Varsity University of Edinburgh Heriot Watt University
2 0
Matthew Riley Edinburgh eased to victory on Wednesday afternoon, beating a poor Heriot Watt 2-0 in their Varsity clash.
In a poor first half, the sides were equally matched. Heriot Watt, who enjoyed a greater share of the possession, relied on their play maker who floated around the midfield searching for holes in Edinburgh’s strong back line. His movement and defence splitting runs caused concern for a usually strong back line. With Neil Irvine absent, Stephen Thompson took the burden of anchoring the midfield. His com-
munication skills were vital in organising the team against a dangerous Heriot Watt side. Despite enjoying a smaller share of possession, it was Edinburgh who carried more promise in the final third. Their main threat came from the lethal Michael Hazeldine who was heavily marked from the start – his reputation spreading with every goal. As a result, his opportunities were severely limited, leaving his
team mates to take charge. Stephen Maxwell was the main threat, with a couple of his efforts warming the goalkeeper’s hands. At the other end, the composure and authority usually displayed by Edinburgh goal keeper Mark Tait was absent. Poor communication and positioning put his team in awkward situations, one which resulted in a goal line scramble, which was desperately cleared away.
James Pope
IN CLOSE CONTENTION: Edinburgh’s Jamie Redman is closely watched during the Varsity encounter
It was in fact a goalkeeping error at the other end that led to the opening goal. In the 41st minute, the keeper completely micontrolled a back pass with his knees. In the ensuing scramble the ball was knocked out to the wing, where it was lobbed back in to find Stephen Maxwell at the back post, whose looping header beat the despairing keeper. At half time, Edinburgh just deserved their lead, which looked under no threat from a toothless Watt attack. The second half was characterised by late, cynical challenges. Edinburgh’s domination incurred the wrath of the increasingly frustrated opposition. The visitors could only muster a few wayward efforts during the second half, while Edinburgh extended their lead only ten minutes in. Hazeldine finally managed to shrug off the attention of the visiting defence as he blasted the ball home from a low cross. From this point on, Edinburgh merely went through the motions in securing a straightforward victory. In truth, they could have extended their lead if it wasn’t for poor finishing in-front of goal, with both Hazeldine and Woods missing good chances. Edinburgh will be satisfied with their professional performance having nullified Heriot Watt from the first whistle, whilst bagging the two goals relatively early on to put the result beyond doubt. The university were back in league action at the weekend but could only managed a 0-0 draw at home to Selkirk. This weekend sees Dougie Samuel’s men face Whitehill Welfare in the Image Printers Cup Semi Final at Peffermill.
Hockey women get Varisty off to winning start Women’s Hockey Varsity University of Edinburgh Heriot Watt University
6 0
Lucy Allen On a rather cold and brisk October Monday evening, Edinburgh Universities Ladies 1st’s and Herriot Watt 1st’s met at Peffermill to kick off the first of the Varsity matches for 2008. After ten minutes of pressure from Edinburgh’s attack the hard work paid off as Siobhan Prise converted a well rehearsed short corner for and the Watt restarted 1-0 down. A quick turn over from Watt saw the ball transferred smoothly up to their attacking end with Edinburgh’s Kelner making an impressive decision to attack at the front of the circle to clear the ball. In the 27th minute Edinburgh’s Fi Thompson managed
to slip one past Watts’s defence resulting to double her side’s lead. Shortly after came another short corner for the Edinburgh and again resulted in an impressive goal, this time a backline wide angled shot from Messerli as Edinburgh began to assert their dominance on the tie. With half time approaching, another sustained pressure in Watt’s defence by Edinburgh led to Balmer adding to the scoreline and even by half time the tie looked to be in back as Heriot Watt went in trailing 4-0. More impressive play from Balmer coupled with a favourable decision from the referee saw Ediburgh add gloss to the result as they made it five. They weren’t quite finished there however and with their superior fitness levels beginning to show, coupled with the Watt’s diminshing desire, Messerli was able to break away and put a final goal past a struggling Watt defence.
HHter Terry
James Pope
ROWING FOR GOLD: Action from Varsity’s newest event, the row off which Heriot Watt won to avoid a whitewash
28 Sport
Student
Week 7 04.11.08
Student Sport
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Edinburgh taste Varsity success Men’s Hockey Varsity University of Edinburgh Heriot Watt University
Student’s wry look at the world of sport I can’t speak for my fellow Scots but the prospect of seeing Nacho Novo line up in the dark blue of our national side is hardly one that fills me with joy. Does anyone really think that if he was good enough to play for Spain that he would be champing at the bit to join in with his version of O Flower of Scotland? Of course he wouldn’t. Just as James Morrison would rather play for England especially considering he represented them through the ranks as a youth player. I’m sure if Kris Commons had had a realistic choice between playing for his homeland or representing Scotland, he too would have chosen Wembley and not Hampden. It’s not even as if these players are world beaters. Going back over the years to the likes of Neil Sullivan, Nigel Quashie and Robbie Stockdale, none of whom were born in Scotland but jumped at the chance to play international football for someone; anyone, they were no better than the young Scots who sit on the bench so why should they, essentially other country’s rejects, get preference? Now before the PC brigade fill our inbox with rants about the nationalist tendencies of the sports editor, let me set you straight. This is football and it doesn’t mean the same line of thinking can be applied to everyday life. Denying someone the right to play for ‘their country’ is not the same as telling people they have no right to live here because they weren’t born here. Neither James Morrison or Kris Commons play their football in this country and can hardly claim to have contributed to Scottish society as those who call this great country home have done. Nacho Novo may well have lived here for almost eight years but no one really thinks he’s become a patriotic Scot overnight. On the same day he ‘pledged’ himself to the Tartan Army he said he was still dreaming of playing for Spain. Neither he, nor any other foreigner for that matter, should be allowed to pull on the same Scotland shirt that players up and down the country dream of wearing from a young age.
Martin Domin
3 1
Alistair Shand The University of Edinburgh sealed Varsity victory after the men’s hockey side prevailed in what was an eventful, entertaining contest at Peffermill against Heriot Watt University. The first meaningful attack of the match came once again from an incisive ball into the Heriot Watt box and the defensive team were penalised in the subsequent scramble giving the hosts their first penalty corner. The resultant opportunity was hit cleanly but deflected just over by the onrushing defenders. Despite a promising start from the home side the standard of play began to drop halfway through the first half and instead it was Heriot Watt who began to threaten. Edinburgh’s ponderous tendencies in the defensive area gifted chances to the visiting team, the most notable of which came from a drilled cross from the left but a plunging Heriot Watt forward narrowly failed to connect. The match very much needed a breakthrough and this was provided by Edinburgh, albeit slightly against the run of play, towards the close of the first period. Another penalty corner was awarded and a powerful strike from defender Duncan Birse, aided by a flick from Dan Sims, fizzed past the Watt goalkeeper.
Subsequently Edinburgh entered half time a goal to the good and with the momentum. After the restart the effect of the breakthrough was clear for all to see. Edinburgh emerged with a renewed impetus and verve in their game and began to push for the two goal cushion. A flowing move down the right saw Andrew Campbell slide a delicious angled pass through the defence only for Andrew Duke to be beaten to the ball by an alert Barnaby Barber in the Watt goal. Heriot Watt were always a danger on the counter attack however, especially down the right flank, with Ross Simpson an energetic presence throughout. The visitors in fact came very close to equalising during
a period of pressure as a misplaced pass from Edinburgh gifted a Watt forward with a glorious chance. However, his weak shot was deflected away by Dave Forrester in goal. Edinburgh continued their pursuit of the killer second goal and it arrived halfway through the second period. A low reverse strike by Dan Sims took a deflection on the way to goal and trickled past Barber in the Watt goal to give Edinburgh the two goal cushion they craved. In fact Edinburgh did not have to wait long before their third goal arrived to put a gloss on the day’s performance. This time it was a long corner which found its way to the back post where it was clinically dispatched by a lurking Kylan Path-
manathan and was greeted with jubilation from the stands. An altogether valiant effort from Heriot Watt did receive its reward in the form of a consolation goal as full time drew near. A clever, disguised penalty corner found its way into the Edinburgh goal mouth and was flicked neatly home by a Heriot Watt forward. The closing stages of the game were predictably frenetic with Edinburgh seeking a fourth goal and Heriot Watt looking to spark a late comeback but the score remained at 3-1. Thus a professional and at times classy Edinburgh performance ensured that the victory was rarely in doubt despite a gallant Heriot Watt effort.
James Pope
STICKS AT THE READY: Heriot Watt look to launch an attack during last week’s Varsity encounter
Rugby men lay last year’s ghosts to rest Men’s Rugby Varsity University of Edinburgh Heriot Watt University
39 10
James Pope Edinburgh’s rugby men finally gained revenge on Heriot Watt for last years thrashing as they saw off their close rivals last week. Lacking six regular starters including in the key positions of scrum half and hooker, the Edinburgh ranks were swelled with a number of 2nd team players, who rose to the occasion and gave some tremendous performances. Combined with perfect kicking from Mike Bennet and some strong running from midfield, the Edinburgh effort was only tarnished by the concession of a late try. From the off, the physicality of
the game was clear and while this should have been a concern for the home side being on paper outgunned in the pack, they fought hard and neutralised this Heriot Watt advantage. From early on in the match, the hard work of the pack and some good quick balls saw Edinburgh apply pressure to the Watt defence and this often resulted in a penalty for Edinburgh. Here the boot of Bennet came into play as he, aided by the unusually still day at Peffermill, had a 100 per cent record from six penalty attempts. Although Edinburgh led 9-3 after 20 minutes, Heriot Watt were still in contention and they did show some great invention in the middle of the field, but were punished by the Edinburgh defence. Any attack into the Edinburgh 22 saw them pushed back with ease and regularity. Edinburgh on the other hand had no problems
applying pressure. Heriot Watt were also let down by their goal kicking with only one penalty going over from their four attempts. As the game settled down, Edinburgh made the breakthrough, which proved to be the turning point. Picking the ball up 40 yards from the posts, Tom Clarke went on a mazy run straight through the middle of the Heriot Watt team with not a hand getting near him till he got the ball over the line. Bennet’s boot did the rest and another penalty saw Edinburgh head in 19-3 up at the interval. The second half continued in the same vein as Edinburgh were again dominant and they went on to score two further tries. To cap his kicking performance, Bennet was to get his hands to a lucky bounce and press the ball down for a good try in the corner. He duly converted his own try from a difficult position and ex-
tended Edinburgh’s lead. Despite, some strong running from Heriot Watt’s blindside winger, who almost carried himself over, it was nearly always Edinburgh threatening another score. Another mazy run, this time from McGhee, saw the ball laid off to Jamie Clegg who only had to cling on to the ball and run it through the posts. It was a perfect example of just how dominant Edinburgh were. Bennet converted the try to put Edinburgh 39-3 in front. Sadly for Edinburgh, Heriot Watt got a late try in the dying minutes, but it was nothing more than a consolation score. It was a tremendous performance and one the Edinburgh University side can be very proud of; they will be looking to use it as a springboard to a successful Scottish and British Universities campaign next semester.