Week 10 - The Student - 2009/2010

Tuesday November 24 2009 | Week 10

Global horizons

Square eyes?

Life without TV F E AT U R E S

» P11

Edinburgh students on exchange F E AT U R E S

» P12-13

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S cott ish S t udent Ne wspaper of the Year 2009 S I N C E 1887

T H E U K ' S O LD E S T S T U D EN T N EW S PA P ER

AGM rejects online voting

NATO boss speaks at University

Debates Union leads opposition to constitutional change

Liz Rawlings

EFFORTS TO widen participation in student politics suffered a setback at last Tuesday’s Annual General Meeting, as a motion to enable online voting failed to pass for the second year running.

The 'enabling motion' aimed to deal with a recurring problem where motions face difficulty in becoming policy due to the requirement that 300 people vote in favour at an AGM. It would have led the way to changing EUSA’s constitution to require a higher quota of 1,000 to pass, but with referenda to be held online over a longer space of time.

Students would campaign for and against motions in the run up to referendum, with a budget allocated by EUSA. Motions to be put to referendum would be decided at an AGM. In a vote which nearly went uncounted, the enabling motion fell with approximately 65 per cent in support, short of the three quarters needed to enable change to the EUSA constitution.

This year, despite a turnout of 650 which represented the highest in recent years, only two motions out of eight became policy. The last two motions to be discussed, which would have ended the advertising of tobacco products on campus and prohibited staff from taking domestic flights with EUSA budget, gained a majority of the vote but did not pass due to lacking the required 300 votes in favour.

Speakers against the enabling motion claimed that it would 'let motions in through the back door', and that online referendum would simply result in students 'voting yes or no based on how they feel that day.'

Another said that "300 students should feel strongly enough about a motion to turn up to an AGM to vote in favour."

EUSA President Thomas Graham, however, maintained that referenda would widen participation, saying: "There are already a large number of students who can’t take part in General Meetings.

Whether that’s because they work in the evenings, are distance learners, have children, are on a semester/year abroad, or are simply busy, there are lots of people who are unable to make it.

"It’s not good enough that even at the most highly attended GM in living memory we can only involve 600 of out 26,000

EUSA E-MOTIONS RUN HIGH

Edinburgh students will continue to vote the old fashioned way. Read more, pages 5 and 8 >> members. We need to have a system that lets every single one of our members have their say, and I believe that is referenda.

"Clearly we didn’t explain this well enough - we must do better in future to communicate the importance of this issue and how it would have been implemented.

We will reflect on the result over the coming days and weeks and decide how we will proceed with the process of putting a new constitution to the members."

It has emerged that two of the three students who spoke against the motion were from the Debates Union, which has received £2,800 for the last several years from EUSA due to its special status in the EUSA constitution.

The governance review currently taking place would likely see the constitution changed to make the Debates Union a normal society, subject to a referendum which will now be unable to take place.

The entire Societies Development budget for all other 200 University societies is £23,000.

Debates Union convener Sebastian Osborn said: "I believe [a referendum] is a bad idea and will change student politics in a negative way. This will undermine AGMs, which can work." He also said that online voting could lead to a ‘lack of stability’ within the Students Association.

He admitted that the motion was discussed within the Debates Union committee, where committee members expressed opposition to the motion, but denied there was any official campaign by the society against the motion.

Defending the Debates Union’s current status, he said: "This is not unfair, having a semi-ringfenced funding for Debates Union allows for more autonomy, for example to invite controversial

speakers."

He also said he wouldn’t ‘defend everything that was said’, but felt that more debate would have helped.

Osborn submitted an amendment before the AGM which would have staggered the cut to funding over many years in the event that the Debates Union was made a society. He later withdrew this amendment.

In response, Graham said: "The motion had nothing to do with cutting the funding of the Debates Union, but it is true that I believe that the Debates Union should not feature differently to societies in out new structures. I see absolutely no reason why one activity or group should receive preferential treatment when it comes to the allocation of EUSA’s budget. The Debates Union should be treated exactly the same as any other society." news@studentnewspaper.org

NEIL HODGINS

Anna MacSwan

NATO SECRETARY General Anders Rasmussen sought to shore up support for the war in Afghanistan in a speech to students and staff at Edinburgh University last Tuesday.

The former Danish Prime Minister also stressed how the military alliance needed to adapt to conflict in the 21st Century in the Politics Society talk.

NATO’s parliamentary assembly was held in Edinburgh last week, where lawmakers from all 28 member states met to discuss NATO operations in Afghanistan. This sparked a series of anti-war protests around the city.

Dante Mazzari, President of the University’s Politics Society told The Student: “We were absolutely delighted when Mr Rasmussen accepted our invitation and we felt that the event was a complete success. I personally felt the talk was substantive and informative.

The Politics Society hosts speaking events as a public service to the University community and this event was in keeping with the spirit of that mission.”

Rasmussen, who is responsible for co-ordinating much of the West’s military defence, called for a fundamental change in the way peace operations are viewed and carried out. He said: “I am very aware that NATO is a Cold War organisation. The Cold War shaped the way we think and the way we do things today,” adding that “Cold War security needs to be re-thought in the 21st Century.”

Addressing the conflict in Afghanistan which had been the focus of the anti-NATO protests days before, Rasmussen defended the war maintaining that it is necessary for security in Europe: “[The idea that] security stops at borders and can be defended at borders – that was true for decades. It no longer works that way. Territorial defence can start far away from borders.

“Afghanistan is a clear example. It may seem far away to you and when you see so many of your soldiers losing their lives you might ask, legitimately, why it matters? It matters because...the majority of UK terrorist attacks have their origin in that part of the world. Insecurity in Afghanistan means insecurity for us, whether we like it or not”.

Rasmussen also argued that NATO, the European Union, the United Nations, non-governmental organisations and civilians must work together to Continued on page 2 »

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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What’s in this issue NEWS »p1-6

»

EAR EAR p4

Drunkard who bit off a Napier student's ear to be sentenced

PEOPLE AND PLANET GET ALL SWEATY p6 Student campaigners score a victory in the fight against sweatshops

COMMENT »p8-9 SECULARISM AND SEX p9 Charlie Hanks on the debate over Europe's fertility

ARTS&FEATURES »p11-21

ALEC FINLAY IN FOCUS p15

Hiba Khan talks to the man behind the Main Library poetry

Uni develops landmine detecting bugs Katie Cunningham THE UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh’s School of Engineering has developed an inventive new way of detecting landmines through a process called Bio Bricking.

This involves the use of biologically engineered bacteria which become fluorescent in the presence of landmines.

Bio Bricking is a biological technique where bacteria are pieced together from molecules of DNA, allowing characteristics to be selected.

An advanced knowledge of DNA makes the process of selecting specific samples relatively simple for scientists.

This process is the first of its kind in the world, and could in time have a number of different uses.

Pressure group Handicap International has stated that around 87 countries in the world contain landmines, injuring 15,000 to 20,000 people every year.

This includes countries such as Somalia, Mozambique, Cambodia, Iraq and Afghanistan, all of which

have been widely affected by conflicts over the years.

There are hopes that Bio Bricking will develop into an important tool in preventing the damage caused by landmines.

The new detection technique is not dangerous to animal or plant life, and the chemical sprayed onto the bacteria is not harmful.

Its proponents also say it is cheaper and easier to use in comparison to current mine detection techniques, including electronic sensors.

The process involves combining the bacteria with a clear liquid, which is then dropped from the air onto danger sites.

Buried landmines leak chemicals into the surrounding soil, enabling bacteria to detect and reveal their locations.

The fluid sprayed onto the bacteria becomes fluorescent and green in the presence of these chemicals.

This is a clear indicator for mine disposal experts and becomes apparent after just a few hours.

The landmines could then be easily found and removed without the

risk currently involved.

As of yet there are no plans to practically apply this technique, either commercially or through a charity such as Handicap International.

Despite this the responses of those involved in creating the bacteria and of landmine experts is positive.

The project was carried out by research students at the University of Edinburgh, who are enthusiastic about the results.

Overseeing it was Dr Alistair Elfick, of the University of Edinburgh School of Engineering.

When asked how he felt about the project, he said that “This anti-mine sensor is a great example of how innovation in science can be of benefit to wider society.”

He continued “It also demonstrates how new scientific techniques can allow molecules to be designed for a specific purpose.

"This represents the connection theoretical research in the University of Edinburgh can have on problems facing the world and the potential impact of work carried out here.” news@studentnewspaper.org

SICK OF THE LIBRARY? p16

Caitlin McDonald checks out alternative study spots

FLAMING LIVE LIPS p17

Five star stuff from the Oklahoma veterans

DELIGHTFUL ROMANTIC ESCAPISM OR GUT WRENCHING SHIT? p19 Film have a bust-up over New Moon

'SENSATIONALISED WAR PORN' p21 Tech has its say on Modern Warfare 2

VERY DIZZYING HEIGHTS p23

GUY RUGHANI

SPORT »p23-24 NO FRIEND OF MINE: An artist's rendition of what the new chemical detectors will look like in action

p22 The Student Newspaper | 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh, EH8 9TJ Email: editors@studentnewspaper.org

Continued from front page »

bring about peace, stating that “the days when the military could win the war and hand reconstruction back to the civilians are over...in today’s peace negotiations we need to work together if we are to succeed”.

He also spoke of the need to revolutionise women’s role in international conflict: “We need to strengthen the role of women in the prevention and resolution of conflict” he said. “Women have the most to gain from reconciliation and conflict prevention. All this has nothing to do with political correctness. It has everything to do with women making a key difference”.

Ending his speech by returning to the conflict in Afghanistan Rasmussen stated that “I wish I could say that Afghanistan will be the international community’s last great nation building project but I would be wrong.”

“The use of military power is not in contradiction with our desire for peace.

Freedom is the most precious value of all and sometimes you have to first fight for it.” news@studentnewspaper.org

Brief

IN

Hugh Masters on Andre Agassi's drug revelations

Fettes pupils expelled Four pupils aged between 16 and 17 have been expelled from elite private school Fettes College after smoking cannabis on school grounds. Another fifteen have been suspended.

Police were swiftly called to the famous Edinburgh school after other pupils informed teachers.

Headmaster Michael Spens stated the incident “should not detract from the achievements of the school, and praised the pupils who brought the incident to teachers attention. Fettes is regarded as one of the UK’s top schools and counts former Prime Minister Tony Blair amongst its alumni. Lothian & Borders police have yet to confirm as to whether any charges have been brought against the pupils.

JC

Edinburgh joggers sprint to success A jogging group at the University of Edinburgh has overtaken the competition to seize the ‘Jog-Scotland Workplace Group of The Year’ award. Jog-Scotland operates a network of around 400 groups that take to the tarmac in communities across the country. In Edinburgh, the runners train three times each week, starting at Bristo Square and plodding on to King’s Buildings.

Jog-Scotland undertakes many projects to encourage people of all fitness levels to get into running in a friendly and supportive environment. Their aim is to stop health problems such as obesity and heart disease in their tracks.

FC

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 3

Students are clear: fees aren't the way forward Anna MacSwan

GENERALLY SPEAKING, ARE YOU OPPOSED TO THE IDEA OF UNIVERSITIES CHARGING TUITION FEES FOR HOME (UK/EU) STUDENTS?

DO YOU THINK SCOTTISH UNIVERSITIES HAVE SUFFERED FROM THE SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT'S DECISION IN 2001 TO ABOLISH TUITION FEES?

SHOULD HIGHER RANKING UNIVERSITIES BE ENTITLED TO CHARGE HIGHER TUITION FEES?

ARE TUITION FEES A BARRIER TO HIGHER EDUCATION?

GUY RUGHANI

STUDENTS AT the University of Edinburgh stand firmly opposed to universities charging up-front fees for tuition, a survey conducted by The Student has found.

56 per cent of students surveyed said they were opposed to Universities charging tuition fees to students from the UK and EU, compared to 34 per cent who said no.

Moreover, worries were expressed about the emergence of a market system should Universities be allowed to charge as they please, with an overwhelming majority of students (73 per cent) saying that higher ranking universities should not be allowed to charge higher fees, compared to 21 per cent who felt this would be fair.

Concerns were expressed that such a system would bar academically able but poorer students from studying at the best universities. One respondent commented that “If fees were uncapped, a lot of universities would charge ridiculous fees and we would move towards the American system where university entry is very much governed by social class.”

44 per cent thought that tuition fees are a barrier to higher education, though 54 per cent said this would not be the case if supplemented by an adequate student loans and grants system.

19 per cent think Scottish universities have suffered from the decision taken in 2001 to abolish fees, though 49 per cent said this was not the case.

48 per cent of students, however, said they would not be principally opposed to paying for their degree if the extra funding would translate to a higher standard of education. One respondent commented that “[The extra funding from fees] might be necessary; considering how many people are going to university nowadays. The money has to come from somewhere.”

Another said that “I think it is ridiculous for people to expect a free education, given that a doctor or professor at university is providing a service and we should pay for that service.”

Comments put forward by students indicated that despite opposition to up front fees, alternatives such as the graduate endowment fee, scrapped in 2008, could be a reasonable alternative to a funding gap.

“If Scottish universities are to keep pace with world leading institutions then we have to get real. Higher Education costs money; and those who can

afford to pay; should. No one should have to pay up-front for an education; but if I graduate from Edinburgh and earn hundreds of thousands of pounds over my career I hold no grudge in paying for an education which got me there.”

Students felt that should Scotland consider a reintroduction of fees, rates should be set lower than south of the border, partially so as to offset the higher cost which would be accrued given the four year course structure. 41 per cent said that universities should charge no higher than £1,000 a year in fees, while 21 per cent were willing to pay up to £2,500 in fees a year and 32 per cent were willing to pay up to £3,145 a year.

With regard to fees for students from elsewhere in the UK, 27 per cent felt that a cap should be set at a rate lower than £1,000 a year. 22 per cent said they would be willing to pay up to £2,500 a year, and 33 per cent said they would be willing to continue paying the current level of £3,145 a year. Interestingly, 18 per cent of respondents felt that the cap could be lifted to a rate higher than it sits currently.

Comments from students also indicate a feeling that the different levels of fees charged to students based on nationality, are unfair. One respondent said that “The system in which English students pay at Scottish universities when Scottish students do not, cannot continue the way it is. With the money coming from Westminster; English tax payers are contributing towards a free education for Scots; whilst English students still have to pay.”

EUSA President Thomas Graham told The Student that “We are completely against up-front tuition fees.

We recently took policy to NUS Scotland which passed and will see NUS fully engaging with any review into Scottish Higher Education funding.

This includes developing alternative models for funding universities that put equal access at the core.

“I think the fact that 44 per cent of people feel that fees are a barrier shows why we must not introduce fees in Scotland. If nearly half of the people who get here think they are a barrier, just think about the people that don't."

With regards to the effect that the raising of the cap on fees elsewhere in the UK would have on Scottish universities, he said: “For every £1,000 that fees go up in England, Scottish universities fall behind by £128m. Given that fees may go up by £4,000, that would leave a funding gap of over half-a-bil-

lion for us.

“That kind of money simply isn't going to be found from existing budgets, so we must engage to find a fair model for university funding in Scotland. I think the cap being lifted [elsewhere in the UK] would make it almost inevitable that students in Scotland would be asked to contribute.”

135 students of all fee classifications including international took part in the survey. news@studentnewspaper.org

A SELECTION OF PARTICIPANT COMMENTS

"If Scottish universities are to keep pace with world leading institutions then we have to get real...HE costs money; and those who can afford to pay; should. " "I think that a lot of Scottish academic talent is kept in Scotland because of the attractiveness of the financial situation; and this could be drained away if tuition fees were reintroduced overall."

"Allowing universities to charge what they want for tuition will just make high ranking universities charge more and consequently become the privilege of the wealthy. We do not want a system such as in America; where clever yet poor students cannot afford to go to good universities."

"Degrees should not been seen as an aspiration for all children in the UK; HNDs and apprenticeships in trades and professions allow as much advancement if not greater advancement (especially in the last decade). It should be pointed out that training as a plumber; electrician; gas engineer; carpenter or other skilled craftsman is liable to reap much greater individual benefits than even a PhD. The whole idea of educating an entire population (or even a large percentage of it) at a traditional university makes little or no sense."

Student Loans Company rewards bosses big bonuses Lara Zarum STUDENTS AND politicians have slammed bosses at the Student Loans Company (SLC) after they received almost £2million in bonuses while thousands of students are still out of pocket due to their funding blunders.

Last week a Freedom on Information request submitted by the Liberal Democrats revealed that SLC staff received £1,893,500 in the 2008/09 financial year.

Of the company’s 1,876 staff members, 1,603 received bonuses, with three SLC higher-ups raking in £21,000 each.

Liberal Democrat spokesman Stephen Williams commented, “It is absolutely outrageous that the Student Loans Company, which has acted so incompetently this year, has been paying out these massive bonuses.”

English universities, along with banks such as Lloyds TSB, are scrambling to provide students with emergency funds after the SLC fell behind schedule in providing students with their loans. Three-quarters of English universities have handed out money to students who haven’t received their loans yet. On average, universities have contributed over £44,000 to students struggling to pay for course

materials, rent, and other living costs.

At the end of September, Lloyds TSB implemented an interest-free overdraft extension of up to £1,000 in the wake of the SLC’s confession that between 50,000 and 60,000 students were still waiting for their funds. The extension applies to current student account-holders who can prove that they have been affected by the SLC backlog.

Figures from data published by the SLC at the end of October showed that over 100,000 students who had been approved for funding had yet to receive their money. Approximately 985,000 students applied for loans

and grants this year. The governmentordered figures also revealed that the SLC received some 82,000 more applications for loans and grants than it did last year, suggesting that the recession has hit hard for students with financial needs.

The National Union of Students (NUS) has also condemned the SLC and is calling for the resignation of its chief executive, Ralph Seymour-Jackson.

NUS President Wes Streeting criticised the loans company for citing incomplete student applications as part of the reason for the delay in loan payments. "There's a growing consensus

that enough is enough. It's not just the bungling of the process, but the fact that the SLC has been economical with the truth and have attempted to put the blame on students for applying late. We have absolutely no confidence in Ralph Seymour-Jackson," Streeting said.

The SLC has issued a statement claiming it is “working on a number of measures including offering clear advice and guidance including on application deadlines, simplifying the application process and increasing our call handling capacity.” news@studentnewspaper.org

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News

Court to sentence ear-bite attacker Fiona Cuddihy STEVEN MELONI, a 3rd year Napier University student, is awaiting justice after suffering a brutal attack in which he had his ear partially bitten off.

The incident happened on 28 February outside The Hive nightclub in Niddry Street but the case only reached court last Tuesday.

The accused, 19-year-old Rory Clark of Brunstane Road, pleaded guilty, though said he was too drunk to remember anything. Sentencing has been deferred until next month.

Steven was at the club celebrating a friend’s birthday when he went outside for a cigarette and got involved in breaking up a fight.

Clark, who was standing outside, punched Steven in the eye and he fell to the ground. When Steven tried to walk away, Clark jumped onto his back and bit off his ear.

Steven told The Student: “After it happened, I didn’t even know my ear was gone but then one girl saw me and was nearly sick...so I figured it must be bad”.

After spending four days in a hospital in Livingstone, Steven spoke to four surgeons who said that, the procedure for reconstructing his ear was too complicated for them to do. He has since been referred to a surgeon in Paris who hopes to be able to restore his ear to its former appearance.

Steven will be going to Paris after he has finished his Languages and Marketing degree as the reconstruction procedure will take roughly a year to complete.

OVER EAR: Justice is not far away for Steven Meloni, victim of a vicious attack in Niddry Street When asked how he adjusted to the partial loss of his ear, he said “the first two or three months were hard.

When I walked past people I could see them looking and whispering about it”. But he said it no longer bothered him and “if people wanted to laugh they were welcome to”.

Steven is remaining upbeat, and talks of having hardly any pain in his ear. He said: “The only problem

is that it has become more sensitive to cold temperatures.”

Apparently, Clark tried to claim that the attack was self-defence but was told by the court that because he had lunged at Steven when his back was turned, this could not be the case.

When asked how he felt towards his attacker he said “obviously I’m pissed off and if I saw him now I

Funding chief fears cuts will threaten British universities Jordan Campbell

SIR ALAN Langlands, chief executive of the Higher Education Funding Council for England (HEFCE), has warned that universities are in danger of losing their competitive edge with overseas institutions if university funding cuts are made.

His comments come amid claims that 5,000 academic jobs across England and Wales are under threat by an upcoming squeeze on higher education spending.

Speaking at the annual HEFCE conference in London, Langlands stated that: “The UK and Spain are the only countries in Europe not investing in higher education. Right across Europe we are seeing a new wave of education provision taught in English and indeed in Scandinavia too.”

The US, Germany and Australia have also recently committed to increased spending in higher education with President Barack Obama making it a priority to help the US out of recession.

Langlands was speaking in light of the ongoing review of higher education finance that was launched recently by Peter Mandelson. Hinting that he felt public spending cuts are inevitable, Langlands commented

that he believed a ‘golden age’ of higher education spending could be coming to an end. The review is examining ways of restructuring higher education with options of spending cuts and tuition fee increases being touted as a way of dealing with expected public spending cuts after the next general election.

5,000

academic jobs at risk under funding cuts Langlands pointed towards Treasury spending figures that show government departments are planning spending cuts of 9 per cent between 2010 and 2014. He suggested that services such as schools and the NHS will become spending priorities, while other areas such as higher education could suffer heavily.

His remarks come after research by lecturers union UCU this week suggested that many universities

have already started to make job cuts to counteract potential funding cuts.

The union estimates that across England and Wales 1,318 academics have recently been made redundant and further 5,000 could be threatened.

It notes that 50 jobs have recently been lost at Cardiff University and that 187 are planned at Leeds University after the Vice-Chancellor of the university stated that he wanted to cut funding by £35 million.

Though his remarks only concern England, worries about higher education finance have also been expressed in Scotland. Some leading academics have called for the reintroduction of tuition fees in Scotland and job cuts have already been made at certain Scottish institutions as they struggle to balance their books.

In response to Langlands’s comments, Sally Hunt, General Secretary of the University College Union, said, “We are in real danger of being left behind as we try to get back on track economically. If the government does not make bold decisions to back education now then we have little doubt that the fallout from that decision will be felt in years to come.” news@studentnewspaper.org

would want to hit him but there’s no point. He’ll get his justice. It could have been a lot worse.”

Napier University have supported Steven throughout the year.

He said “After it happened I was on a lot of medication, which made you drowsy, so they let me sleep in class if I had to. I’ve also got a lot of mitigating circumstances as I’ve missed a lot due to hospital appointments

and meetings with witnesses”.

Steven’s message to other students was: “If there’s a fight, stay away” and “If you get drunk, you need to be able to control yourself.

There’s no need to be violent” news@studentnewspaper.org

Prison for Omni Centre thugs Four years for teens responsible for attack posted on Bebo Jen Mah THREE TEENS who attacked a 14-year-old girl in the car park of the Omni Centre have received individual sentences of four years’ detention.

The attack, which took place in January of this year, was orchestrated by a 13-year-old boy and two 14year-old girls.

The three teens, whose names cannot be revealed for legal reasons, confessed to having filmed the attack, which included stripping their victim naked and kicking her repeatedly in the head.

The victim was found naked and covered in blood by a security guard, and spent the next six days recovering in hospital.

Judge Lord Malcolm described the attack as an act of ‘uncontrolled cruelty and violence,’ sentencing the three teens to four years’ detention in a secure unit at the city’s High Court, followed by five years’ supervision.

The footage was taken by the male attacker, who allegedly posted the

video to his Bebo account, encouraging fellow schoolmates to watch it.

The video showed the two female attackers abusing the victim, while the male attacker provided commentary.

He instructed the female attackers to ‘break her jaw’ and ‘smack her head off the wall,’ telling the victim she was ‘going six feet under.’

At one point the boy shouted "It’s like Resident Evil," referring to the violent video game and film series.

Prior to announcing the sentence, Lord Malcolm stated that he "must mark and reflect society’s shock and revulsion at [their] conduct."

After the hearing at the High Court in Edinburgh, the victim’s sister told the Evening News that the family was ‘ecstatic with the judge’s decision,’ and it was much ‘better than expected.’

The supervising officer of the inquiry, Detective Sergeant Russell Tennant, felt the sentence was ‘appropriate,’ and hoped that it would ‘act as a deterrent.’

All three of the attackers’ defense solicitors said that the teens had suffered disrupted childhoods, receiving ‘no proper parenting.’

It was assessed that all of the attackers posed a high risk of re-offending. news@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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News 5

The Annual General Meeting: nothing gets banned

IN

Brief

Pleasance fire: police appeal for information Edinburgh police are appealing for members of the public to come forward with information regarding the fireraising incident in the Pleasance on Wednesday November 11.

The fire, which was started during a performance of the musical Guys and Dolls in the Pleasance Festival Theatre, was extinguished by staff before it could cause any serious damage. There was nevertheless concern that the blaze could have spread to the rest of the soldout venue had it gone undetected.

A Lothian and Borders Police spokesperson said: “Police are investigating an incident of fire-raising that happened within the Pleasance Festival Theatre on November 11. The fire broke out at around 9pm, within the men’s toilets. Enquiries are ongoing, and anyone with information should contact Lothian and Borders Police on 0131 311 3131.”

The play managed to go on despite the fire, though part of the building was filled by smoke.

EUSA Vice-President for Services James Wallace said that a stack of issues of The Student was used as kindling for the blaze. Several children were believed to have started the fire.

Josh King

NP

Alumni cough up £200K for University

DEMOCRACY INACTION?: Students voted like this at the AGM

JULIA SANCHES

OVER 650 students turned out at George Square lecture theatre last Tuesday to vote at the EUSA AGM. The meeting was delayed as a hundred students had to be redirected to Appleton Tower, where students were able to take part and vote through a video stream.

Students voted strongly in favour of a motion that would have enabled EUSA to hold online referendums but it failed to receive the 75 per cent necessary to pass.

The controversial ‘No Platform’ motion which sought to ban groups such as the BNP from campus also fell, following impassioned speeches from several students.

The motion's proposers hoped that that banning extremist groups from campus would ‘protect the vulnerable’.

During a heated debate, however, the motion was branded as both ‘patronising’ and ‘disturbing’.

A motion to reintroduce bibles to Pollock Halls fell, along with efforts to ban the sale of cigarettes from EUSA shops and to restrict EUSA staff from using internal flights.

A motion relating to KB licensing was passed, along with a motion to help students choose more energy efficient flats by promoting widespread use of Energy Performance Certificates.

Students speaking in favour of the 'Boycott Israel' motion likened the situation in Israel to apartheid in South Africa.

But the motion faced heavy criticism from some quarters. Ronit Wolfson labelled the move to boycott Israel “gesture politics of the highest order,” highlighting that the University is a ‘multicultural’ institution.

The collapse of the Israel motion saw many students leaving the meeting. As a result the two last motions – ‘Smoking Kills’ and ‘Low Carbon Travel’ – failed to gain the 300 votes needed for motions to become official policy, despite gaining an overwhelming majority.

Neil Pooran THE MAIN Library in George Square will be open 24/7 for two weeks in December during the exam period.

The move comes after pressure from the Students Association and promises from Rector Ian Macwhirter to extend the opening hours of the library.

Information Services (IS), the branch of the University which runs the library, said: “IS is pleased to announce that following discussions with EUSA the Main Library will be open 24/7 for two weeks during the exam period.

"The library building will be open at 8:30am on Thursday 3 December and will close at midnight on Thursday 17 December 2009.

“Normal semester IS Helpdesk staffed service hours continue unchanged; self-services operate when the Helpdesk is closed. For more information about Main Library opening hours and services, please visit the IS website at: www.ed.ac.uk/is.”

Herriot-Watt University have followed suit by opening their library for

24 hours in a similar manner.

Evan Beswick, Vice-President for Academic Affairs at EUSA, said: “We are extremely pleased that we’ve been able to win a trial of a 24 hour library during the important exam period.

"I hope that plenty of our hugely diverse body of students benefit from library opening hours that fit their work schedule rather than the other way around."

Currently, only IS is funding the extended opening hours, with the three Colleges of the University only putting their money behind the existing opening hours.

Beswick said the rest of the University should also put up money for the extended opening hours, saying: "The decision to have a library open 24/7 like at other Russell Group institutions can’t just be left to IS whose current budget won’t cover the costs.

"The institution as a whole needs to decide whether it wants a library for 21st century students and needs to fund it accordingly." news@studentnewspaper.org

YOUR NEW HOME: The library will be open for 24 hours

FLICKR: THOMAS GRAHAM

24 hour Main Library arrives

Student callers have raised over £200,000 for the University of Edinburgh from moneyed alumni.

Over 50 current Edinburgh students embarked on this year's telephone campaign, which sought to raise enough money to fund 100 new access bursaries.

They worked in conjunction with the Development Office over a sixweek period contacting Edinburgh graduates.

One student fundraiser said: “I spoke to Gordon Brown’s flatmate and the man who wrote the textbook I am using for my course this year! I was awarded an access bursary to help with the costs of coming to Edinburgh - and it is great to know that I am making a difference in future student’s lives by fundraising for bursaries.”

The students were challenged with a more ambitious target after the initial target of £140,000 was achieved within four weeks.

The £226,000 raised this year is going towards the Edinburgh Fund, which focuses on scholarships and bursaries for less advantaged students., the demand for which rose this semester when the University was unable to meet demand for places.

Rachel Brown, Development Manager for the Annual Fund, told The Student: "I am absolutely thrilled that we have exceeded the target of 200k pledged on this phone campaign. It is a real achievement and testimony to the great student callers we have had working with us this campaign.

"Last year there was a 30 percent increase in people applying for bursaries at the University, and we must ensure that talented students are not forced to turn down their place here for financial reasons. This money will go a long way to helping us achieve our goal of funding 100 new bursaries."

AT

Tuesday Novmber 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

6

news@studentnewspaper.org

News

Sweatshop boycott success for People and Planet STUDENT CAMPAIGNERS People and Planet are claiming to have won a ‘historic’ victory in the worldwide fight against sweatshops.

The environmental and social pressure group say that their boycott of Fruit of the Loom products has lead to improved working conditions for Latin American garment workers.

On Sunday, Honduran factory worker Reyna Dominguez Martinez addressed a People and Planet conference in Manchester to announce that US company Russell Athletic, which owns Fruit of the Loom, has been forced to re-hire 1200 Honduran workers who had been unjustly fired by the company.

She said this opened the door for increased worker’s rights and worker organisation across all of Fruit of the Loom’s facilities in Central America.

At the ‘Shared Planet’ conference Martinez explained how workers at the Jeerzes de Honduras factory had taken a stand against abuses by the company which had resulted in them being blacklisted in the local apparel export industry. Some workers even received death threats for speaking out.

However, on 14 November Russell Athletic announced that it would re-hire all 1200 workers, pay them

IMPROVED CONDITIONS? People and Planet have scored a victory in the fight against sweatshops economic compensation and conduct workers’ rights and freedom of association training at a new factory, to be built in nearby Choloma.

The historic agreement can be viewed as a success for student

campaigning with nine universities across the UK, including Edinburgh, involved in a boycott against Fruit of the Loom clothing. American antisweatshop group, United Students Against Sweatshops (USAS) had also

I N C O M PA R A B L E C A R E E R S “In a Reports Officer role, it's my role to work closely with both the Government and the Case Officers gathering intelligence overseas. Knowing that the intelligence you’ve presented in Whitehall will inform decisions at a high level – and could help protect the security of the UK – is very rewarding.”

J A M E S – O P E R AT I O N A L O F F I C E R

In order to apply for the Autumn 2010 intake, please submit your application by 16th December 2009.

www.mi6officers.co.uk

You must be a British citizen to apply. Please do not discuss your application with anyone.

We also regularly recruit for Language Specialists, Administrators and Technology professionals.

FLICK: MARIS SAORTON

Liz Rawlings

been successful in lobbying universities and colleges to cancel some of their biggest Russell Athletic contracts.

Across the world, over 100 universities boycotted Fruit of the Loom,

making it the largest garment boycott in history.

Fiona Ranford, a recent University of Edinburgh graduate and People and Planet campaigner told The Student: “This is a historic win for the global justice movement. It’s the first time global campaigning has resulted in the reopening of a large factory that a brand has already closed down. It shows that there are consequences to abusing workers rights and that companies can no longer hide their abuses in the shadows. Student pressure can be incredibly effective at regulating an industry famed for abuses’.

Moises Alvarado, President of the Worker’s Union in Jeerzes de Honduras, where the Fruit of the Loom factory was closed, has praised the work of students in the anti-sweatshop campaign: “For us, it was very important to receive support of the universities. We are impressed by the social conscience of students.”

On 24 November, Reyna Martinez will address an Edinburgh Public Meeting about the ‘Buy Right’ campaign and her experiences in Honduras in the David Hume Tower Conference Room at 7pm. news@studentnewspaper.org

We all want good teachers and good teaching.

That’s why EUSA are running the Teaching Awards: to reward those who show real commitment to their teaching at the University of Edinburgh.

Awards include University Overall High Performer Best Teacher a wards for each College Best Course Best Department Best Feedback Innovative Teaching Teaching Employable Skills Best Postgraduate Tutor E-Learning Award Internationalisation Award Nominate now at: www.eusa.ed.ac.uk/teachingawards

/teachingawards

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

8

comment@studentnewspaper.org

Comment

Comment

The oldest profession

Anonymous is hacked off by the media's representation of the sex industry following Dr Magnanti's unmasking wo years ago I was working as a lap T dancer in one of the city's ubiquitous strip clubs, a job which meant I

could pay for my studies (or more specifically my rent, food and bills) while also affording me the copious amounts of free time required to participate in an extra-curricular arena normally reserved for middle class kids unencumbered by boring issues like money or part-time jobs (student journalism).

During an evening out with my fellow student hacks, I mentioned my job to one - particularly posh - amateur reporter. She had recently written a story on the 'phenomenon' of student strippers and seemed dismayed when I mentioned where I was working.

"Oh, they have prostitute rings in that club" she mewed. (They didn't.)

Then: "well, I know because I did a story on it" (I had worked there for a year and never did spot these fabled rings of prostitutes).

This attitude, in which journalists assume a stance of pig-headed omniscience when commenting on sex work, is all too prevalent within popular media reporting on sex workers. Consequently, the image of sex workers as downtrodden, drug-addled trainwrecks is maintained by a group of people in possession of what is at best a periph-

eral knowledge of sex work, at worst a mishmash of hackneyed stereotypes.

Following last week's revelation that prostitute-blogger Belle de Jour was a research scientist who funded her PhD through escorting, the mainstream media's treatment of Dr Brooke Magnanti has proved more shocking than anything she ever did for cash.

Like stripper turned screenwriter Diablo Cody before her, the 34-yearold has incensed commentators by the lack of tragedy in her story. On top of that, although they might not say it, people don't want sex workers to be clever. Or witty, or three-dimensional.

There's something so much more palatable in choosing to believe that the handful of women who sell sex for money are doing it because they have been coerced into it (which is probably why exaggerating statistics on trafficking is so popular). The more choice involved, the less comfortable everyone is. Newspapers - even your beloved liberal broadsheets like The Guardian - like things fairly black and white. It sells better, keeps everything nice and simple.

Above all, the media don't want these women to speak unless it's to pour out a saleable story of drug ad-

diction, sexual abuse and exploitation.

Much easier to speak for them, as Daily Mail columnist Bel Mooney did last week in a breathtakingly obnoxious attack on Magnanti. Criticising her for her failure to apologise for the suffering of sex workers the world over, Mooney wrote: '[Magnanti's] complacency makes me deeply queasy. "Look, of course trafficking occurs. It's awful.

Awful. Desperate," she trills, as if she had any knowledge at all of the terrible, dark world of sexual exploitation endured by thousands of women, who were often prostituted in childhood.'

Presumably, Mooney - who has never, as far as I can tell, worked as a prostitute or any other category of sex worker - has a detailed knowledge of the inner workings of this world that extends far beyond anything Magnanti knows from her year of employment in the industry. The title of this column 'How can such a clever woman be so stupidly naive?' could quite easily be referring to its author.

Having been on both sides of the fence, I know that it is a small minority of journalists who will consciously avoid bending facts and twisting quotes until they can be shoehorned satisfyingly into the story they're after. In a recent blog post last Saturday, Magnanti coolly re-

marked that her detractors' behaviour 'reminded me of something we used to say, that inside most porn actresses is a failed real actress. Inside every tabloid hackette is a not-very-bright girl who dreamed of being Kate Adie but didn't have the work ethic or talent to make it happen. Journalists my sweet Tallahassee ass. You are to historical record what my books are to fine literature.'

Although as a stripper, my experi-

“

Although they might not say it, people don't want sex workers to be clever.

Or witty, or threedimensional. " ences were considerably different in nature to Magnanti's, her encounters with the press are reminiscent of my own. Despite my peers' distaste for sex work, in spite of the fact that its mere mention in conversation has the power to induce red-cheeked silence, every summer, without fail, I will receive the same call from a student journalist on work experience who, desperate to impress the editor, has seized upon

Time to face the change

Neil Pooran bemoans a missed chance to revive EUSA's beleaguered constitution

L

ast week’s Students' Association Annual General Meeting was the usual show of cheery, long-winded debate, which managed to reach quorum for once.

As a true politics geek I manage to find a frankly shameful interest in the whole thing. Yet I recognise, as I’m sure most students do, that the AGM is far from being the best way of representing the voice of Edinburgh students. 650 is a great turnout compared to previous years, but it still can’t lay any serious claim to representing EUSA’s 26,000 members.

Unfortunately, a chance to change this moribund, ineffective system was completely torpedoed by an unfortunate mixture of incompetence and underhand scheming. This is nothing new in student politics, but given that the future of the entire organisation is at stake this failure needs to be addressed.

The innocuously named ‘enabling motion’, first on the agenda at the AGM, was actually the first step on a route to giving EUSA a complete, root-and-branch reformation. It would have opened the door to having a campus-wide discussion on what we wanted our student union to do for us.

Most importantly, it would have paved the way to having an online referendum later this year on the future of the organisation, including AGMs. In the unlikely event that students decided to maintain the status quo, this could have at least been decided by direct democracy rather than closed-

door discussions.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing this though, as the four EUSA sabbatical officers who chaired the meeting seemed intent on pushing it through with a bare minimum of debate. In the end they got a sizeable majority of the meeting to back the proposal, but not the 75% majority required for a constitutional change.

Part of the reason for this was the fact

“

A chance to change this moribund, ineffective system was completely torpedoed by an unfortunate mixture of incompetence and underhand scheming. " that, much to the sabbs' surprise, we heard some passionate, vociferous speeches from ordinary student members against the motion. They argued with apparent conviction that the motion would keep EUSA’s power in the hands of an elite clique, who would stifle dissent and de-

cide for themselves what the union should campaign for. You know, the kind of guys we’d turned up to really stick it to.

The polar opposite of this is true, and this wasn’t the grassroots uprising it looked like. Most people who spoke against the motion happened to be in the Edinburgh University Debates Union, an organisation which has a huge vested interest in maintaining the status quo. The Debates Union gets a lump sum of money every year from EUSA, unlike all other student societies at the University which generally have to fight for their own financial survival. The EUSA constitution grants them several other perks, and it’s this kind of constitutional absurdity that the motion was supposed to examine.

The Debates Union has previously rebuffed suggestions that they should be funded like other societies. Being a debating society, they have a ready supply of speakers who know how to win over a room.

Sebastian Osborn, the Debates Union convener, has said that money wasn’t the only reason for the society’s unofficial move to oppose the motion. Given that he abortively submitted an amendment which would have seen Debates Union keep its money without altering the rest of the motion, this is a little suspect.

I’m not saying the motion shouldn’t have been challenged at all. It’s true that some might be worried that online refer-

enda will be less representative than physical meetings. But we didn’t have the honest debate we should have had. In the end, a minority of views was able to dictate terms to the majority.

The whole representative side of our student union now faces a bleak future. It’s stuck with an outdated, useless constitution that calls for general meetings only a tiny fraction of our members can be bothered to turn up to. We’re left with a bewildering array of committees, subcommittees and executive committees that are supposed to represent the student voice, but are too fractured and distant to do so.

Online referendums could have given the organisation the chance to be genuinely representative.

Instead we’re left with a husk of democracy that will continue to fail to deliver.

Be sure to thank the four EUSA sabbaticals and the Debates Union for that.

their sole link to The Seedy World of Strip Clubs. Last summer it was the Mail on Sunday, the year prior to that it was Vice Magazine and the year before that I believe it was the Evening News.

The girl calling from the Mail had been instructed to offer money for my story.

The shameless greed and voyeurism behind this gesture revolted me and made me feel more exploited than I did in work (note to eager FemSoc readers: that's not an admission to feeling empowered, just that the exploitation was considerably more calculated).

Newspaper editors cream themselves at the prospect of an honest, first-person account of sex work.

Unfortunately, if the story doesn't fit within the comfortable parameters demanded (low self-esteem/father issues/ sexual abuse) their version is declared worthless. Until more people reveal themselves, the onus is inexplicably on Dr Magnanti to act as some kind of representative for every mistreated sex worker in the land. Yet, with the verbal battering she's taken, it's easy to see why the rest of us won't be so forthcoming.

Feeling opinionated? comment@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Comment 9

All expenses paid

Lee Bunce examines how lobby groups attempt to influence the 'leaders of tommorow' and asks how wary should we be?

eter Oborne’s already controversial P ‘exposé’ of the pro-Israeli pressure groups in Britain, ‘Inside Britain’s Israel

Lobby’, added little of substance to the discussion of an already widely documented phenomenon in the UK. Aired this week on Channel 4, the program set out to show how well-funded organisations sympathetic to Israel are using their resources to manipulate both British foreign policy and national media coverage, with remarkable and worrying success. In truth the program taught us little we did not already know.

But there is another aspect to proIsraeli lobbying in the UK that is far less well documented, is perhaps morally far more troublesome, and is in need of much greater discussion. That is the activities of pro-Israeli groups aimed at students across the UK, and its targeting of this country’s ‘future leaders’.

In January of this year, in my previous position as editor of The Student, I was approached by the Union of Jewish Students (UJS) to take part in a ‘young leaders election/post-war special’, a five-day long, all expenses paid tour of Israel for myself and six other student journalists (and a vicepresident of Oxford’s students union) to coincide with the February Israeli elections. The tour was just one of a number of similar tours frequently organised by UJS for student politicians and journal-

ists, intended to harvesting a sympathetic understanding of Israeli politics, society and culture, with former EUSA President Josh McAllister another previous participant.

“

I was approached by the Union of Jewish Students to take part in a ‘young leaders election/ post-war special', a five-day long, all expenses paid tour of Israel."

The contents of the trip itself however were not the exercise in Soviet-style propaganda one might perhaps expect. At its worst, I was given a tour of the town of Sderot, a small town near the Gaza strip that has been frequently hit by Palestinian rockets, in which a spokesperson for the Israeli Defence Force guided me through a an Israeli home that had been recently destroyed by rocket attacks, followed by a

visit to a mental health centre for victims of Palestinian attacks. But activities were atypical, and met largely with disdain from my colleagues, and embarrassment on the part of the organisers.

Rather, much of my tour involved more thoughtful and sensitive discussions of Israeli political culture with diplomats, civil servants, journalists, peace campaigners, academics, and dozens of Israeli citizens, as a result of which I, like the others on the trip, returned with a much deeper understanding of the Israel-Palestine conflict than I had previously held. And rightly so, for the impact that conflict has on Israel and its population is indeed far more complex than is often presented in the British media.

The problem however lies in the fact that however nuanced this discussion might have been, it was inevitably one sided, for while the understanding of the Israel I returned with was distorted not by false propaganda, it was distorted by omission.

While the tour afforded me the enormous privilege of discussing the Israeli political climate with an enormous cross-section of the Israeli society, I was able to meet just one Palestinian, living in Jerusalem. I did not speak to any of the prominent human rights organisations in the country, to any of the charities operating in the region, and I was unable

to visit either the West Bank or the Gaza Strip. Nor was I introduced to any representatives of the Hamas-led Palestinian government.

Although the trip itself was organised by the Union of Jewish Students, it was funded through contributions from the Pears Foundation, an organisation backed by property magnate Trevor Pears, who is said to have donated in excess of £25 million to Jewish causes in the UK and abroad. Incidentally, Pears was also heavily involved in the financing David Cameron’s bid for the leadership of the Conservative party, though he was not one of those mentioned in Oborne’s documentary.

There is nothing particularly sinister in this, and I raise it only for context.

The activities of pro-Israeli groups at the national level are very much in line with those of other lobby groups, and while I’m not aware of anything similar taking place at the student level, there is no reason to think that other interest groups would n't happily follow suit were they to consider such activities in their interests, or if they had the resources to carry them out.

But I think there is an important difference between the manipulation of government policy and national media, and the comparatively smaller sums of money used to influence ‘the leaders of tomorrow’. While most of us will feel extremely

uncomfortable at the thought of our democratic institutions being skewed in such a way by any special interest groups, and can even begin to suggest solutions, it isn’t at all clear that we should feel the same way about this case. After all, individuals are entitled to make up their own minds on this issue like any other.

But perhaps the questions might not be that simple. While we may want to say that individuals should have the freedom to choose whether to participate in these activities, should I, as editor of a student newspaper, have accepted the invitation?

One of my fellow travellers wasn’t so sure, though I’m inclined to think the position or opinion of the editor of a student newspaper isn’t important enough to merit great concern. But can the same be said for the presidents of our Students' Unions, for whom the official pressures of appearing neutral are perhaps much greater?

On this question the answers are far from clear, and deserve much greater debate among the student body. This will be particularly true if a similar invitation is to be extended once more to Edinburgh this year, most likely to current EUSA President Thomas Graham. Given the recent history of this question on campus, we can expect this debate to be heated.

God is back, look busy

Charlie Hanks argues that Europe's declining fertility isn't a product of selfish secularism

T

he end is nigh for Europe, according to the UK’s chief rabbi, Sir Jonathan Sacks. We are not having enough children and, in his words, the continent ‘is dying’. We are, says the newly elected

peer, too selfish to reproduce. We don’t want to make personal sacrifices and we have lost sight of family values.

We are “undergoing the

moral equivalent of climate change and no one is talking about it.”

So Lord Sacks decided he should talk about it. He claimed, in a lecture hosted by Christian ‘thinktank’ Theos, that Europe’s secularity is to blame for our population predicament; as a continent we fall below the average of 2.1 children per woman that is needed to maintain a stable or growing population. “Europe today,” he announced, “is the most secular region in the world. Europe is the only region in the world experiencing population decline.”

In the context of his argument, this translates as: secularism is bad, population decline is also bad, with the former causing the latter. This all fits very nicely until you begin to consider the practicalities; he is effectively disregarding the need for population control and suggesting that personal morality and sacrifice is more important. This is dangerous talk.

He says that “parenthood involves massive sacrifice, money, attention, time and emotional energy.” Correct. He adds that we have no room for such a sacrifice in our culture of “consumerism and instant gratification”. Questionable. He neglects to point out the most important factor in successful parenthood: education.

Countless reports have shown the negative correlation between levels of education and birth rates but in no

way does this translate to the selfishness or consumerist obsession that Sacks blames for secular Europe’s low birth rates. It simply shows that Europeans are aware of two things: personal capability and global sustainability. The planet’s resources are already stretched to their limits and to blindly promote further pressure on them seems irresponsible.

“

We are, says the newly elected peer, too selfish to reproduce. We don’t want to make personal sacrifices and we have lost sight of family values" Evidently, it is possible for birth rates to be worryingly low and a steady and consistent average that roughly perpetuates the population is inevitably desirable. But there are no signs that Europeans are an endangered species. In fact, some estimates put the UK’s 2018 population at 4.8 million higher than it is today.

To suggest that declining birth rates are linked to a decline in religion

in Europe is fair. But is it not equally valid to link increasing levels of education to this weakening of faith?

The more educated we are, the more able we are to make our own choices and develop our own understanding of morality and sacrifice without relying on religious doctrine. And although this is what Sacks would call, somewhat confusingly, the “moral equivalent to climate change”, is he necessarily right to see it in such a bad light? Would an exponential increase in birth rates leading to further demand on resources not in fact be a catalyst for actual climate change?

Sacks says that “wherever you turn today, the more religious the community, the larger on average are their families.” These of course are often the poorest, least educated communities but far from proposing support for these areas in order to reduce the problems of sustainability and social development that they face, Sir Jonathan highlights them as a model of pro-natalist morality.

To sum up the need for a review of our attitudes to faith and morality, “God is back and Europe as a whole still doesn’t get it,” served as a neatly optimistic soundbite for Sacks. Well if it means we have a population that we can sustain and that inflexible religions are not our only source of morality then I applaud Europe’s divine ignorance.

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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A quick history lesson...

The Student was launched by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson in 1887, as an independent voice for Edinburgh's literati. It is Britain's oldest university newspaper and is an independent publication, distributing 6,000 copies free to the University of Edinburgh.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lord Kitchener, David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill are a few of the famous people who have been associated with the paper. In the 1970s, Gordon Brown was the editor in chief, working alongside Robin Cook who at the time was in charge of film and concert reviews.

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The Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors, however, reserve the right to edit or modify letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith The Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole.

WEAK CONSTITUTION this EUSA’s Constitutional CriI ssis?

What may be seen by some as

boring and unimportant, the enabling motion was far from it.

In fact, what is likely to become the largest constitutional change in EUSA’s 125 year history took a major setback at the AGM last week.

Though Tuesday’s was the highest attended AGM in over a decade, meetings are frequently inquorate.

Indeed, the final motions last week did not reach the required 300 either way. It could be a long time before change can happen.

The motion simply provided that the constitutional changes—once debated, discussed and decided in the committees—would be taken to all students in a referendum. This is by far the most democratic way to move forward.

So for the moment, the current constitution, frequently outdated

and contradictory, will remain. It isn’t unusable, but it does constrain the way we represent students in a modern university, with students for whom, heaven forbid, formal meetings aren’t perhaps a priority. We are working from a 40year old rule book that’s just not fit for today’s students and their needs.

I know reform is the right thing to do; to allow you a voice, to improve democracy, and hold us accountable.

We’ll continue this process at February’s GM knowing it has suffered a setback. There will be plenty more along the way if we don’t get students enthused and involved with this important change.

I will be gone in June, but we need to move EUSA into the 21st century.

It is not for my sake but for yours and those who come after you.

James Wallace Vice President Services

FEE REVIEW like to draw your attention to I would a mistake on page five of the November 17th edition of The Stu-

dent.

In the article entitled ‘Fees review for England launched’, Jordan Campbell claims that ‘students in England pay £3325 a year in fees or £1775 if studying in Scotland’. If Jordan was an English domiciled student he/she would know that we are in fact made to pay £1820; and if he/she is in fact an English domiciled student, then a prompt review of his/her finances would be a good idea.

Clément Chamboulive

All this constitution talk, The Student thought we'd better dig out our own, coffee rings and all...

1.1. As a rule constitutions are a poorly written mishmash of needlessly unwieldy pseudo-legalese indecipherable to any decent human being.

2.2. The constitution of France has an ever growing number of indexes, appendices, appendages, scrawls in the margins, footnotes and bonus tracks.

1.2.This constitution recognises that the constitutions of certain other organisations have been described as ‘literally shit’, ‘hopelessly out of date’.

2.3. The UK is unlikely to consider actually writing one down any time soon.

1..This constitution aims to point out that most constitutions are often revised, amended and, in some cases, completely ignored. (See 2.1., 2.2., 2.3...)

3.1. In light of the recent setback for the EUSA sabbaticals where the AGM enabling motion failed to receive the required 75 percent backing this constitution considers underlying factors noted in articles 4.1., 4.2.

2.1. The US Constitution has been amended no less than 27 times.

4.1. The motion was not sufficiently explained which was due to an oversight

on the part of the Executive members of the association about how the motion was to be received.

4.2. The interests of other societies were overlooked in the proposition of this motion. (See p8) 5.1. Additionally, it must be recognised that constitution is not applicable to the concerns of the majority of the body it is crafted to cater for.

5.2. Most members are interested in a cheap pint, a £2.99 meal deal and the idea of being a bit greener.

6.1. It is of course necessary that change should be well thought out and not subject to Executive whims.

6.2. But as a noteworthy counterpoint, the constitution of the European Union took five years to compile and it has 27 member states, 500 million people, and 23 official languages to translate into.

6.3. Associations with a mere 26,000 members, all of which being competent speakers of the same language, may be able to achieve the same ends slightly more rapidly.

6.4. Although, we wouldn’t bet on it.

7.1. If the existing system is inadequate then this is reason enough for change.

Changes will be outlined in sections 7.2., 7.3....

Editors Susan Robinson/Charlie King News Neil Pooran/Anna MacSwan/Guy Rughani Senior News Writers Josh King/Jordan Campbell Comment Mairi Gordon/Ian Powell Features Rosie Nolan/Sara D'Arcy/Catherine McGloin/Juliet Evans� Lifestyle Nell Frabotta/Shan Bertelli Art&Theatre Hannah Ramsey/Lisa Parr/Luke Healey Music Andrew Chadwick/Ed Ballard Film Kimberlee Mclaughlan/Dan Nicholson-Heap TV Paddy Douglas Tech Richard Lane Sport Martin Domin/Alastair Shand

7.2. Eurovision-esque video-links add an edge of excitement and eventual disappointment when members come to realise that Terry Wogan will not be announcing the scores.

Photography James Baster/Julia Sanches/Neil Hodgins

7.3. Free pints at the expense of the association are thoroughly endorsed by any constitution worth reading.

Copy Editing Lara Zarum

Illustration Menna Jenkins/Guy Rughani

Website Jack Schofield Online Editor Craig Wilson President Liz Rawlings Treasurer Michaela Turner

Advertising Tony Foster  0131 650 9189  Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh, EH8 9TJ  editors@studentnewspaper.org

Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Tel: 0131 650 9189. The Student lists links to third party websites, but does not endorse them or guarantee their authenticity or accuracy. © Student Newspaper Society. All rights reserved. No section in whole or part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. The Student is published by the Student Newspaper Society, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Distributed by Lothian Couriers, 3 John Muir Place, Dunbar EH42 1GD. Tel: 01368 860115. Printed

by Cumbrian Newsprint (part of the CN Group), Carlisle Print Centre, Newspaper House, Dalston Road, Cumbria CA2 5UA, on Monday November 16th 2009. Tel: 01228 612600. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

8.1 This constitution aims to be witty but recognises that it is in fact ‘literally shit’ and that, as a matter of some note, constitutions are actually very difficult to write.

studentnewspaper.org Tuesday November 24 2009

FEATURESINTERVIEWSREVIEWS » ARTMUSICFILM » LIFESTYLE » TECHTV

ARTS & FEATURES

IN THE STUDENT THIS WEEK

TAMING THE SHREW

VERY BRUTAL LEGEND TECH P21

UNPLEASANT REALITY TV P20

CULTURE P14

Thinking outside the box Andrew Chadwick questions the role of TV and the strange viewing habits of students. aving blocked out most of my H former years from memory in order to avoid cringing to death, I

only have a few stand out images from my childhood. One of these images is trying to fit in with my fellow primary school pupils without the universal conversational tool of what was on TV the previous night/morning.

My parents, being pretty big on Jesus, and rather keen on their children being the same, decided, until I was around 12, to not have a TV in their household because of the ‘worldly’ influence it could have on their offspring. This seemed like the biggest deal in the world. It was just so unfair. Why couldn’t I watch The Big Breakfast like everyone else? From the way the other kids talked about it, this was the pinnacle of entertainment, and I was missing out. Sometimes I laughed and nodded along pretending

“

My parents, being pretty big on Jesus, and rather keen on their children being the same, decided to not have a TV in their household because of the ‘worldly’ influence it could have" I knew what they were on about, and if it ever came out that I didn’t actually have a TV, people would ask, ‘Why not?! Can your parents not afford it?’ not being able to conceive in their wildest dreams why somebody would choose of their own accord to eschew ownership of the magical cuboid that brought so much joy into their lives.

At the time, I felt like the weird one, like my family just weren’t normal; now I’d pay a fortune for this to be my biggest worry. To be fair to my parents, they were consistent in their censorship, as films that had not been strictly vetted beforehand, as well as all forms of pop music, were also off limits.

Now, I’m pretty certain I didn’t miss out on anything special. I certainly read more, although I won’t pretend I was devouring the classics while other kids were watching cartoons. Fourth-year student Ed experienced a similar situation, and told me, "Until I was about eight or nine I was technically only allowed to watch two things - The Moomins and Noggin the Nog, because my Mum liked the animation. I didn't like The Moomins because even at that age I could tell it was the product of a strange and probably drug-addled mind, but I'd still probably watch Noggin if I had it on DVD. At the

time I was probably aggrieved about this - I remember that I would enjoy going to friends' houses and being able to watch endless TV. I'm quite pleased now though because it meant that I read more and invented games and stuff, so I can at least imagine that it made me more imaginative than kids who grew up watching TV all the time." Ed does not agree that this stopped him watching lots of trash as a teenager, although I do feel that I never got into the habit of watching crap for the sake of it. At college and my early years at university, I went through a snobby phase of telling people I thought all TV was rubbish and that I never watched it. Now that I’ve got over this rather silly opinion, I’m pretty sure not growing up with a TV has caused me to be picky about what I watch, despite now being firmly pro-television.

The problem before was that if you sat down with the remote at any random time, the chances are that almost everything on at that moment would be tremendously shite. Sitting down in the hope of catching something worth watching by chance seemed virtually impossible and was probably the basis of many of its detractor's low opinions of the medium. This all changed with BBC iPlayer, where late night documentaries and one-off dramas that would otherwise be missed by pretty much everyone, are preserved for seven days. This means that they can be discovered at a later date, perhaps off the back of a positive review, or simply from a browse of the iPlayer site. It was a revelation, and made myself, and obviously many others, realise that television actually had a lot to offer, you just had to be given the opportunity to catch it while available. Thirdyear student Sara is now anti-TV, having grown up watching standard chil-

dren’s and teen fare, but agrees that iPlayer has at least allowed those who don’t sit down in front of the telly access to the few programmes they

“

At college and my early years at university, I went through a snobby phase of telling people I thought all TV was rubbish and that I never watched it.' may want to see: "At Uni, I am a pretty busy person, but when I do have time to myself I wouldn't choose TV as an activity to relax. I find it irritating, an emitter of negative energy. However, there are some TV programmes that I have watched and enjoyed on iPlayer. Like Never Mind the Buzzcocks and Have I Got News For You?, they’re

funny, and also keep me up to date and engaged with what's going on in the world." What was going on this week on Buzzcocks, I'm compelled to add, was that Dappy from N-Dubz thought Martha Wainwright was Cerys Matthews. It was a magical television moment that wholly justified the price of the license fee, but that's a different debate altogether.

Watching popular shows when they are actually broadcast also has its benefits. My former snobby self would cringe at seeing me sit down every weekend to gorge on the latest episode of The X Factor, but the show allows snobs to have a common interest and conversation starter with normal people. It’s taught me that immersing yourself in mainstream culture once in a while is really no bad thing; in fact it’s almost too fun. Of course, The X Factor isn't a real talent show, it's a weekly ego massage for Simon Cowell,

perhaps the worst human being alive, yet it remains strangely gripping, and somehow qualifies as great television despite the disgusting graphics, the cynicism of Cowell, the stiflingly 'safe' nature of all the music and the utter cluelessness of pretty much everyone else involved.

This however, sadly does not apply to all widely-watched shows. The popularity of Hollyoaks, particularly amongst students, continues to baffle me. I can’t tell whether it’s an ironic thing or whether people think its ‘quality trash'. This is not snobbishness, I’m just genuinely bewildered by it, and quite thankful I wasn’t raised with these viewing habits. After making some enquiries, a friend gave me the simple answer that it contains exactly the sort of easy viewing material you want having just arrived home from a hard day's study: "Stereotypically good-looking people and simple storylines." Fair enough, I suppose, other people are just as derogatory about my love of The X Factor as I am over Hollyoaks, and I know this because in mentioning it to another friend, I was met with the curt response, "X Factor can fuck off." The tables had turned, I was a normal TV viewer, watching the same thing as everybody else. Proof really, that my TV-less childhood had zero effect on my ability to resist the spell-binding power of Cowell and his ilk.

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

12

features@studentnewspaper.org

Features

First stop: Edinburgh.

So what's it like to live, work and learn in an entirely new country? Students share tales Spain Mike Williamson, Spanish and Portugese, 3rd year

France Kate Wilsea, French and politics, 4th Year My impression of France after a year there? Not all stereotypes are accurate. French people are not all rude; they’re extraordinarily friendly when they realise you’re trying to speak their language. It’s definitely not all fine dining; there’s a McDonalds on almost every corner. But yes, there is loads of cheese and wine, everything is shut on a Sunday and, perhaps what hit us the most whilst we were studying there: the French do love to strike. We experienced three months of no classes in Lyon when our uni went protest-mad at government reform proposals.

The day the strike ended was, for us foreign students used to long sunny days in the park or downing demis at the pub, pretty brutal. By this point it was April and word from the administration was that the May exams would go on as normal. The last five weeks passed in a blur of trying to revise for courses we’d only had three lectures for and trying to work out what had caused the strike to abruptly end. With hindsight it was the best way to experience France: we were part of something everyday French people were passionate about, be it for or against.

"Spain is different. Here, students have no rights."

That was the response I got when I asked one of my Erasmus classmates if there was a students' union. I’d suddenly realised what was missing from my Erasmus experience. There are no union bars, no societies, no Advice Place, no posters around campus other than advertisements, no Socialist Worker stands (well it’s not all bad). Student politics just doesn’t exist here. In a different class, I asked others the same question, and one of them found the concept so alien that she thought I’d mistranslated something from English. Another said, “Student’s union? Why would students need a union?”

Sadly, Spanish students need organisations like this more than most: "Bolonia" is being imposed on universities across Spain. Critics, including students, rectors and professors, say that it will make universities worker assembly units, with learning material tailored by the private sector and its interests, ignoring the general development of the student. In the UK, universities' anti-Bolonia movements would centre around student associations, but here they’ve had difficulty mobilising so effectively, and instead it’s a loose gathering of like-minded individuals without the necessary infrastructure. It’s seen by the government as just another pesky protest to be swatted away, rather than an institutional voice.

USA Claire L. Jarvis, Chemistry, 4th Year.

I’d be the first to admit that I applied for the internship entitled "GSK (USA)" with a mixture of ambivalence and daring: I didn’t have any strong desire to work for a pharmaceutical company when I graduated, and believed if I even got a placement for a Year In Industry, I’d be sticking in the UK. However, to the surprise of myself and my friends I was made an offer to start working as a medicinal chemist in Philadelphia in July. I’d long-held the fantasy of taking a gap year, though when I ploughed into university straight from secondary school, and subsequently stumbled into a constant stream of summer jobs it became tragically apparent that I was too fixated on earning money and studying to take any time out. Then, I was presented with this ideal solution: I would be doing a full-time job (money), as part of my degree (academic achievement); the money I earned could be blown on travel.

So far, Philadelphia is brilliant, (despite the stereotype of West Philly being unfortunately very true), and I’ve discovered how well interns are treated at GlaxoSmithKline; I present regularly in group meetings and attend interesting seminars, as well as enjoy an endless supply of doughnuts! The positive working environment has endeared me to pharmaceutical R&D a lot more than expected.

The disadvantage to a Year In Industry is the number of friends you make. As a student you’ve unlimited access to students, socials and activities. With a 9-to-5 job, the temptation is to collapse once you get home in the evening. Having joined a hiking group, dance school and book club, I think I’m doing alright.My message to students is to accept any opportunity to travel and work in another country without thinking twice. Because the hardest borders to cross are the ones in your mind...

Got a story to tell? features@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Features 13

Next stop: world.

of exhilaration, revelation and humiliation from their studies in exotic climes...

China

Italy

Blair Sugarman, Chinese & Russian, 3rd year

Sophie Green, Italian & English Literature, 3rd year

My general understanding of Chinese in my Erasmus year has progressed to nodding my head and mumbling a few incoherent words to every suggestion. Unfortunately, it was this method of conversing that got me into a strange situation in the week that my studies abroad first started. The following conversation had just taken place in my class.

"So this verb means to become acquainted with a person."

My teacher said, giving the entire class a huge smile. No one shared her enthusiasm. "Which one of you can use this verb in a sentence?"

She had spotted me and singled me out. I looked down at my work, but it was already too late. She was determined to get me to talk.

"You, the handsome young man in the first row," she said, beaming, "can you use this verb in a sentence?"

"Well…I…acquainted," I said, hoping that she would feel sorry enough to move on to a different victim. She clearly didn’t.

"That’s not a sentence."

"Oh." "Have you got acquainted with your classmate?" she asked, pointing to the person sitting next to me, trying to throw me a life line.

I panicked and nodded my head, indicating that I knew the person sitting next to me, who was in fact a complete stranger. I was just as ‘acquainted’ with this person as I am with particle physics. Please. Don’t flatter me; I think protons are something found in fish and red meat. I smiled at the person next to me, willing her silently to help me out. They clearly didn’t decipher my message - they were too busy worrying about how I knew them, and why they didn’t know me.

But the teacher wasn’t done torturing me yet.

"So did you meet at the university?" she asked.

"Ummm, kind of, maybe, no, yes, shoelace."

She looked confused and turned towards my classmate, a rather large Japanese girl. "So how did you two meet each other?" my teacher asked for the second time.

"I don’t know," the girl next to me replied.

"You don’t understand the question?"

"No. I actually don’t know how we met."

She looked at me again thoroughly confused, and asked for a third time, "Have you got acquainted with your classmate yet?"

"Oh, is that what that means." I said, finally understanding.

"In that case, I...fridge...cat..."

The teacher moved on.

Milan is a great place to be a student.

Before arriving in September, I did question myself as to my decision to study abroad for a year. Why start all over again? But the 24-hour culture is seductive. Getting an ice cream past midnight is easy, restaurants are serving until 2 in the morning, and clubs are open until they decide to close, normally around 6am. Even after that you can still find a panini stand to hover outside.

As for attending university in Milan, there are other clear differences from what we’re used to in Edinburgh. Lectures are all two hours long but it is perfectly acceptable here to arrive thirty minutes before the end, leave half-way through, or nip out for a coffee, and Italian universities have no essays to be written during the semester, only an oral exam at the end.

Russia Natasha Slater, Russian & French, 3rd Year I approached my five month stay in Moscow with a mixture of excitement and terror. How would I ever find my place in a city of 15 million people? Would I ever be able to make myself understood with the minimal amount of Russian I actually knew? And what on earth would they say when I revealed that I was vegetarian?

I arrived on a gloomy February day. It was minus twenty. When I arrived at the flat I would be sharing with Olga, a fifty-year-old Russian, my fears immediately seemed justified. I didn’t understand a word she said.

The first thing that struck me about Russians was that they reserved their smiles for occasions when they were either genuinely amused or pleased with you. If someone wasn’t smiling, it didn't mean they hated your guts, they were merely neutral towards what was going on around them. One thing I did struggle to come to terms with was the brutal honesty; people did not hesitate in telling me that I spoke badly. But Russians are very aware that their language is immensely difficult, and take genuine pleasure from the fact that anyone might choose to learn it. When they said I spoke badly, all they meant was that I clearly had a long way to go before I reached a level which would be of any use to me.

On the issue of vegetarianism, the mentality in Moscow is simple: animals are there to be eaten, their fur is to keep you warm. A meat stew will warm you up after the bitter cold of the street, and no man-made fibre will ever protect you from the wind like a fur coat will.

By the end of my trip, I was left with an overwhelmingly positive view of Russia. Generous to the extreme, once you are friends with a Russian, they will help you in any way they can. Their drinking capacity is frankly unbelievable and their honesty is a refreshing change. I cannot wait to go back.

Tuesday November 24 2009 culture.thestudent@gmail.com

14 Review

THE LAUGHTER SHOW 14 NOV QUEENS HALL

 A BARRAGE of varied acts was presented to an enthusiastic – if inexperienced – crowd at the Queen's Hall on Saturday and it was all in the name of a good cause, with proceeds going to the Centre for Health and Wellbeing.

Across three sections, the audience was subjected to ten acts of every style. Kicking off the night with a set which clearly resonated with the parents in the crowd, compere Jojo Sutherland held court on family life and motherhood, making the audience squirm with her descriptions of everything from infidelity to the discovery and subsequent regifting of a sixteen-year-old’s pornography stash.

While opener John Gavin suffered from a lack of originality (not helped by the fact that his material on parenting mirrored Sutherland’s), circuit favourites Tiernan Douieb, who delighted with a taboo-busting piece on his own diabetes, and the ineffable Patrick Monahan, whose gift for audience banter is among the best in the business, ensured that the audience remained enthused.

In the second part of proceedings, the traditionally wry observations on Scottish life by native stalwarts Kieran McAlister and Graham Thomas contrasted sharply with the downright confusing set of veteran Charlie Chuck.

Wandering out on stage and beginning with a speech on pastry purchasing that was repeated some five times, Chuck appeared set on getting himself booed offstage. Overrunning his allotted time by a significant margin, even telling the audience that he didn't know what the flashing light at the back of the theatre meant, any amusing parts of his set were quickly replaced by a distinct sense of befuddlement. This was only amplified by the presence of a significant part of the crowd who confessed to never having seen a comedy night before.

Striding onstage armed with the recently published list of BNP members, The Stand’s resident compere Rick Molland ensured that the audience received a politically charged end to proceedings. While we may have laughed harder at certain parts of Saturday’s show than others, we could be certain of two things: that all was for a good cause, and where we might obtain the address of Nicholas “Handbag theft is worse than rape” Erikssen.

Charlie Shute

Stomp ticket giveaway!

Fancy getting your hands on a pair of free tickets for Stomp on Tuesday 12 January at the Festival Theatre?

Simply answer the following question and email it to the culture team at culture.thestudent@gmail.com by Friday 18 December.

How many bin-lids do the cast of Stomp go through in one week?

Good luck!

Scotland's coming home Helen Harjak takes a trip round the city to check out the exhibitions in honour of Homecoming Scotland

AS THE year of Homecoming draws to a close, Edinburgh’s museums and galleries cap off the celebrations with various exhibitions, differing in their balances of tradition, innovation, culture and politics.

The sleekest display is Salt of the Earth, Craig Mackay’s portrait photographs at the National Museum of Scotland. Its title is ironic; instead of ordinary country folk, we find cultural icons, many of them well-known celebrities.

However, the selection doesn’t only include the likes of Jack White and Alan Cummings, but goes into literature, sport and art. It features, among others, Ian Rankin, Sir Jackie Stewart, John Bellany and Johnny Cash’s daughter Rosanne.

Although presenting a personal perception of his subjects, Mackay retains something of each of the personalities, communicating glimpses of them in a creative yet somewhat obvious way. Portraits of Jack McElhone, the youngest of the models, are playful, whereas the ones of John Bellany show more sombre tones. Photos of John Byrne show strong attention to detail and Neve Campbell seems to be taken back to the eery days of Scream.

Nonetheless, in its mostly black and white decor, the exhibition as a whole is visually attractive and handles its theme of Homecoming in a stylish and artistic manner.

A further addition to the display

Salt of the Earth: Neve Campbell © Craig Mackay is a film about Mackay’s photography sessions, which demonstrates his working processes and also contains some interviews with the people portrayed. Fortunately, these conversations rarely become too sentimental because of the casual environment.

Another positive aspect is the inclusion of indivduals from various backgrounds who identify themselves as Scottish or part-Scottish.

Here Scottishness is found in shared culture as opposed to racial grounds.

The Royal Scottish Academy (RSA) provides a traditional look

into the history of Scottish art with Homecoming: Past Masters.

One can find various paintings, engravings and illustrations portraying scenes from Scottish history and literature, with inspirations varying from John Knox to Sir Walter Scott.

The exhibit is somewhat small, as it contains only a few works from the RSA collections.

There are interesting treasures to be found, such as pamphlets caricaturing paintings from 19th century RSA exhibitions.

However, the display is ultimately disappointing, showcasing work that can regularly be seen for free in Edinburgh’s museums.

Focusing on the relations between Scotland and Canada, This Is Who We Are at the Scottish Parliament is unsurprisingly less about art and more about politics.

Finding similarities in Scottish and Canadian nature and place names, and sharing stories of Scots and Scottish influence in Canada, this exhibition is simply a friendly gesture between the two countries.

While speaking of Scottish traditions and the immigration of Scots to Canada, there is brief mention of more controversial issues, most notably the Scottish influence over indigenous people in Canada, and the real reasons behind emigration from Scotland.

However, most of the more

Salt of the Earth: Jack White © Craig Mackay problematic issues are glossed over for the sake of a neat documentation of Scottish life in Canada.

In addition to various photographs, there are video interviews with individuals describing their lives in Canada. Compared to the film at the Salt of the Earth exhibition, these videos don’t quite escape a certain documentary stiffness.

However, as it is a display of people’s stories and not artistic selfexpression, the exhibition is meant to inform rather than aesthetically please – a fact necessitated by Homecoming’s international target group.

THE TAMING OF THE SHREW RUN ENDED ROXY ARTHOUSE

 THEATRE PARADOK’S energy and bang-for-one’s-quid is showcased in this three-hour Shrew for the TwitFace generation. The Art House’s skiddy floor became a stage fit for Edinburgh’s finest young comic actors to enjoy every second of this magnificent interpretation. It’s nothing short of astonishing, a sensual orgasm with time for a post-coital biscuit.

Recalling the original production, men played the roles of women but, in a modern twist, vice-versa.

This inspired decision brought out the pantomimic tone in some of the bawdiness which recalled Aristophanes, Plautus and the "Carry On" films, and Nina de la Parra’s direction was sublime. The first half ran at 100 minutes, beginning with Britney’s first hit and immediately introducing the three storylines; it was as if The Wire was being retold by Noel Coward with Tess Daley and Ant and Dec in the supporting cast.

The popular songs peppered throughout (arr. Abrahams/ Pilaszanovich/Satur and played expertly by a sextet) were coherent and brought Shakey into the era of Shakin Stevens. Though more backing vocals could have been added to "Material Girl," I will never recover from seeing Destiny’s Child's "Survivor" in a Felliniesque setting, crawling-as-if-on-beach included; the juxtaposition was mind-screwing. All deserve their thanks in the programme, though I would have

PARADOK: Chris Craig Harvey and Saskia Laroque Rothstein-Longaretti as Kate and Petruchio placed AJ far above Nick Carter.

The pentameter was adhered to very well, and every line bounced back off the high ceiling. Characters, notably the mohawked and sensational Saskia Laroque Rothstein-Longaretti as the Odysseus-like Petruchio, had to boom their lines, competing with asides of those actors seated amongst the crowd, their mumblings like live Twitter feeds. WWF wrestling bouts occured four or five times, and the famous Kate-Petruchio scene

became a hip-hop cuss battle; Chris Craig Harvey wore Kate’s blue dress like Grayson Perry’s Claire, his ruby-red lips contorted into a moue for most of the play.

Elsewhere Emma Kemp’s Grumio impersonated Keith Chegwin and horse aplombly, Dmitry Ser played Bianca as a wet blanket and Debbie Hannan’s Hortensio turned the Britney-bashing "Cry Me a River" into her own atonal aria.

There was no weak link in a word-perfect cast who all looked

the part; one ought to commend the thirteen people listed for set, costume and make-up alone. Paradok’s masterstroke is that they don’t just break down the fourth wall, they neglect erecting the other three, making us all active spectators and baying groundlings. Their Taming of the Shrew is timeless and yet very now, even if the topos of marriage is less vital in the age of the shortterm. Unlike Kate, Paradok ought to remain “stark mad or wonderful forward.” A perfect production.

JAMES BASTER

CULTURE

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

culture.thestudent@gmail.com

Review 15 STAR RATING Celestial

 Venerable

Tame

Shrewish

Wanton

Artist in Focus: Alec Finlay

GRASSIC GIBBON 15 NOVEMBER

Alec Finlay's poetry has taken over the Main Library. Hiba Khan catches up with the one of Scotland's greatest living artists and learns to think 'mesostically' in the process You also had a series of nest boxes installed in George Square gardens last spring, can I ask what the inspiration was behind them and their location?

ALEC FINLAY’S "Mesostic Interleaved," housed at the University's refurbished Main Library, is an art project with contributors including Ken Cockburn, Denny College and students from the University of Edinburgh. It consists of 100 'mesostic' poems and bibliographies, distributed in the form of 50,000 bookmarks placed randomly in books, displayed on shelf ends in the HUB, and on the pavement outside the main entrance.

That project is part of a much larger one in parks and gardens across Britain.

The clues are all "embedded," with the names of trees hidden within a phrase – so like a mesostic, it’s a generative form, that grows out of an existing term. An example would be "Stone Age ancestor," in which the word "gean" (a type of cherry) is hidden – and, of course, a stone is hidden in a cherry, as our ancestors are also hidden. In terms of biodiversity, nature is full of such hidings, for instance, there may be 20,000 living things in an oak tree.

You are often described as "an artist, poet and publisher." Which of the mediums, if any, would you consider to be dominant in your work?

My work for the library exists in the forms of poems and objects – bookmarks, a book, vinyl signs, a circle poem cast in concrete– and none of these forms has precedence over any other.

The work exists in the daily encounters of people walking past and over the entrance poem, and in a single bookmark dropping from a little consulted book into a reader's hands, in 5 or 10 years time. A poem is an occasion, an event.

If one considers that, as Ad Reinhardt says “there is only one art,” or as Kurt Schwitters says, “ you know as well as I do, that all art is is rhythm,” then one can admit that what has shifted, what progress has been made, is in terms of art being not an object, as such, but an object plus our relation to it.

In that case how much would you say the visual appearance of the poem contributes to its mental reading both in your work and in that of others?

In this particular work, the form of the poems is interleaved – the names of the authors emerge and are embedded within the poem, or the poem could be said to have grown out from these letters, as branches grow from trees. The poems' presentation relates directly to the patterning of the library in two ways: Basil Spence’s perfect regular wooden sight-screen, and the barcodes in almost every book. All of the poems have been translated into barcode, which is an CHRISTIE IN LOVE 18 NOVEMBER BEDLAM THEATRE

 DESPITE ITS ironically romantic title, Howard Brenton’s Christie In Love is presented as a foray into the mind of John Reginald Christie (Daniel Crooks), a serial killer who brutally disposed of at least six women, including his own wife. Christie’s garden - a fenced enclosure littered with crumpled plastic bags - functions as the centre of dramatic action, constantly projecting a sense of decay, disorder, and horrors yet to be unearthed.

Before the play begins, details of Christie’s crimes and unremarkable life are monotonously repeated, hinting at Christie’s relative mediocrity - he is indistinguishable from any other mass murderer. This is emphasised by the opening scene, where a bored constable (Daisy

Alec Finlay Home to a king (3) 2008 – 2009 interleaved form and the primary way in which books circulate within the library.

Is that why you chose mesostics, instead of acrostic poetry for example?

Acrostics are a rather boring form, as they see one letter in a word as more important than any other, the initial; whereas to think "mesostically" is to think within language, within words. Try it sometime.

That's an interesting idea, and one that you’ve used a lot in your work, both exhibitions and published poetry. How did it first arise?

No artist can entirely explain why they find a form, or a form finds them. They just are, and part of an artist’s task is to seek them and be open to them.

It’s never a plan or even intentional.

The forms that one remains with are the ones that one can extend, evolve, develop; the ones that allow one to say things one doesn’t know one knows.

Badger), supervised by an inspector ( Joe Sherwen), perfunctorily digs for bones. The crude limericks he composes, reacted to with laughter, undercut the sexual violence inherent in Christie’s misdeeds.

A dramatic shift occurs when a corpse is finally located. The use of cheap horror effects - a grotesque female puppet, flashing lights, a demonically writhing Christie rising from his grave - is self-consciously effective, deeply reminiscent of the sensationalism that surrounded the case. After the commotion dies down, Christie is revealed in his true form with overwhelming bathos: a weedy, bespectacled man prone to asthma attacks, suffering relentless humiliation from the bullying inspector.

Brenton’s script would be hopelessly hackneyed, if it did nothing but elicit sympathy for Christie. On the contrary, the character remains largely impenetrable: the only insights into his thoughts are incoherent sound

With the mesostic, the magic is that the letters of a name seem to have released, revealed, grown or even predicted the poem – they are hard work, but there is always that quality of revelation, or gift.

It is also crucial that, implicitly, the same letters could make a new, different poem.

The concrete circle poem at the entrance of the library hides the inscription "thair to remain" in the titles of books donated to the library by Clement Litill. Are the other poems similarly inspired by their site?

There were many reasons for the choices – suggestions from librarians, Scotland, the Enlightenment, personal associations, a range of knowledge, books important to Edinburgh, learning, the University, the origins of the mesostic, former pupils, politics, etc. I think the point is that those 100 poems are an invitation to anyone to compose their own. recordings that briefly detail his pathological fear of women. His changing persona, segueing from menacing to pathetic and back again, is less an indicator of three-dimensionality than passive subjectivity.

“

The production's tacky elements work to its ghastly advantage, compelling the audience to engage with society's unease vis-à-vis sexual criminality Rather, we become increasingly aware of the policemen’s inability to cope with sexual deviance. While the bawdy constable is conventionally appalled, the inspector is darkly blasé (“There are many ways of pleasure,

ALEXANDER MARIS

Would you say then that you are putting poetry into an art medium or vice versa?

The Nest Boxes contain riddles, as do the mesostics. Would you say it’s important for the viewer to work for the full meaning of a piece?

The viewers can always do as they please – one is either curious or not, and, again, the work is intended as an invitation to make your own – I hear the birds like them.

Just going back to the entrance poem for the library quickly, was Litill’s inscription the starting block for the rest of the poems or one that stood out from the 100 and lent itself to being the most prominent piece?

The starting point was my memory of the wooden blinds – not originally understanding their purpose, but recognising their importance, as a pattern, a perfection. That intuitively led to barcodes, to the mesostic and then the word "interleaved" made the bookmark not only desirable, but essential. Litill and the circle poem came later, as it wasn’t envisaged in the original commission.

Additionally is there any significance to the numbers used? A hundred poems and 50,000 bookmarks?

One counts to 100, and then one stops.

For more information or to buy the book detailing the Interleaved project visit www.alecfinlay.com or buy online from Amazon.

most of them filth”). Still, both derive disproportionate satisfaction from abusing Christie; their anxiety, unchecked misogyny, and capacity for similar darkness are projected onto him. Christie becomes a mere figurehead for perversity, annihilated to assure the two of their own orthodoxy. His hanging, portrayed as akin to the strangulation inflicted upon his victims, is also murder borne out of an exigent fear.

Edinburgh University Theatre Company’s production succeeds in reaching the heart of the matter with laudable performances from all three actors, Badger’s puppetry in particular. Its potentially tacky elements also work to its ghastly advantage.

Far more than a trite sentiment of how serial killers are human too, it compels the audience to engage with society’s unease vis-à-vis sexual criminality, and question their own assumptions and knee-jerk reactions.

Desiree Lim

FESTIVAL THEATRE

 THE LIFE and works of the much loved Scottish writer Lewis Grassic Gibbon are the focus of Jack Webster’s new eponymously named play. If, like me, you’re wondering who on earth this Grassic Gibbon bloke is, then chances are you weren’t brought up in Scotland, where his novel Sunset Song has been on the school curriculum for decades, and was recently voted the Best Scottish Book of All Time.

The Festival Theatre proved a rather odd choice of venue for this two person show, with its large seating capacity not even nearly filled, meaning the show lacked a sense of intimacy which can be crucial for small cast performances.

The play itself was semi-staged with both actors reading from folders containing their scripts, prompting many whispered, “are they reading their lines?” Fortunately this didn’t detract much from the quality of the performance.

“

If you're wondering who on earth this Grassic Gibbon bloke is, then the chances are you weren't brought up in Scotland, where his novel Sunset Song has been on the school curriculum for decades Webster’s script is witty, taking much of its content from Grassic Gibbon’s own work and serving as proof, if needed, of the author's talent. However it is hard to forget that the script is in essence a linear account of a man’s life, meaning that when the show dipped in energy (albeit very rarely) it felt like a boring history lecture.

A simple set consisting of just a desk and a dining table suited the nature of the performance. A projector screen displaying different backgrounds proved an extremely effective method of subtly changing between locations. However, the effect used between these slides is poor, with some kind of Powerpoint-esque fade and spin transition that even old Grassic himself could have probably done better.

The main strength of the play is in the performances of its two actors.

Michael Mackenzie is superb as the title character, displaying a mischievous side to the author, with his exceptional comic timing presenting a truly likeable Grassic Gibbon, which is clearly what Webster is aiming for.

Vivien Heilbron (also the director of the show), gives an emotional performance as the narrator, faultlessly guiding the audience between starkly contrasting scenes.

As a tribute to Grassic Gibbon. this play succeeds entirely; giving fans a dramatised journey through his life, and for those less familiar with him, a real taste of a truly talented author.

However, this never really feels like a stand-alone piece of theatre.

Tom Kinney

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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16 Lifestyle Under the weather

Study place stress-busters Caitlin McDonald discovers comfy library alternatives Quirky Cafes I

These days we're all feeling down with a touch of "les miserables" as the threat of essay deadlines and December exams loom. You'd think the weather would at least stay on our side.

Well, friend, think again. On top of essays and exams, recent bouts of UK flooding haven't provided us with any comfort that tomorrow will be a sunny day, so we can be positive that we may continue our wallowing and self-pity. But that's just ridiculous. Why, there's plenty you can do to spruce up your dull mood! You could consider a touch of the old fake tan, giving yourself a radiant glow sure to turn that frown upside-down!

If that doesn't tickle your fancy, I guess we could take a note from the American scientists who invented a remarkable way of preventing rainfall during the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics.

Using rockets, silver iodide particles are shot into the sky, freezing the clouds and suppressing the rain.

If it’s that easy why haven't we got a move on? Because let's face it, no one actually likes being sprayed by horizontal rain. A few practical tips, however, may come in handy while we await our delivery of Wonka-style rockets.

Firstly, one may consider investing in the trusty welly, or for those a little less familiar, the wellington boot. With a plastic/rubber outer coating and fabric inside, your feet remain toasty, warm, and more importantly, dry in the harshest conditions. It is very much worth checking out www.easy-wellies.co.uk for discounted wellies, including the ever popular Hunter boots.

Secondly, give up on the umbrella. Give. It. Up. Not only will it humiliate you on your walk to lectures with its pathetic show in the battle against wind but quite frankly it is just not worth the trouble or the expense. I suggest investing in a handy sac-in-tosh, a mac that folds into a handy little bag for those undecided days of rain, sun, rain...

If you're more eager for that warm summer feeling, there's always the option of turning the heating on full whack. You could then pull out the summer clothes and prance around in a wife-beater and shorts! For the more environmentally-friendly I'd suggest that you wrap up ten to the dozen, and enjoy a good old glass of Pimms - minus the ice - and relive those hazy summer days. If you're one of those artistic individuals that feel your style has been smothered by the presence of a big old coat, then may I suggest buying a few winter accessories such as a pair of woolly mittens bombarded with sequins or perhaps a stripy scarf to add some winter cheer. So whatever the weather, and by that I mean rain, these handy hints should help keep Jack Frost at bay.

Maddy Simpson

t’s a familiar scenario: after swallowing an entire packet of Pro Plus and washing it down with several gallons of Red Bull, you turn up at the library - books in hand, eyelid twitching, ready to study - and every computer is taken.

No worries, you think, I’ll just sit at a table and go over last week’s lecture notes. Hey, guess what? There are no tables either. Not one. There’s not even a small space on the floor for you to curl up on and cry softly. But before you stand beside the computers, watching over people’s shoulders like a hawk and pouncing the second somebody checks their Facebook with cries of “But I neeeed this computer!

You’re not even doing work!”, why not try out some alternative study places?

Yes, we’re here to help ease essay and exam stress with some recommendations of quiet cafés and empty libraries for you to try – maybe ease up on the Pro Plus first though, yeah? Just a suggestion...

As if you needed more caffeine, here’s our pick of the coffee shop crop.

Take your books and grab a soothing cuppa to sip while you study.

Tea Tree Bread Street Open 7am-7pm, weekends 9am-7pm

As warm and as much-needed as a hug from mum, the friendly chaps here will let you get on with your work without bothering you - unless you look like you need cheering up! The free Wi-Fi helps chase away those revision blues, as does a nice, cheap, antioxidant-packed cup of Rooibos and a sugar-packed slice of Honeymoon cake. Take your pick from an eclectic assortment of comfy chairs or spread your papers out over a table and while away a few hours revising with a generous pot of tea from their massive selection.

Black Medicine Coffee Company

Elephant House

Nicolson Street & Marchmont Road Open 8am-8pm, weekends 10am-6pm

George IV Bridge Open 8am-11pm, weekends 10am-11pm

Ideally situated just two minutes from Potterrow, this cosy Edinburgh stalwart has amiable staff, a fantastically diverse playlist and – yippee!

- free Wi-Fi. The mouth-watering selection of paninis, pastries, bagels and croissants (for crumbing all over your Business notes) is supplemented by loads of yummy, brainpower-boosting smoothies. This is one to avoid at lunchtime, however – popular with students and locals alike, there are rarely enough quirkily-carved chairs to go round the hungry hoards at peak times. If you do manage to nab yourself one of the window nooks, however, you’re in for some excellent people-watching should inspiration fail you.

You can’t miss this one thanks to the numerous signs bleating about some random called J. K. Rowling pasted all over the windows. Inside, however, the Elephant House serves a nice, if unimaginative, selection of snacks and drinks; its big draws are the late opening hours and large tables, ideal for group study sessions or if you’re the type who likes to surround themselves with sheets upon sheets of notes, graphs, pens, cold half-drunk cappuccinos, etc.

Labs and libraries

For some serious studying, Edinburgh Uni has more libraries than you can shake a stick at – here are our favourites.

Art and Architecture LibraryMinto House, Chambers Street Open 9am – 5.30pm

Dodge the arty types smoking très cool French fags outside to get into this small but well-lit library (accessed by swiping your student card).

It’s usually quite quiet with some computers in the back for cheeky Facebook breaks.

New College Library, Mound Place Open from 9am on weekdays and noon on Saturdays

How to do a student protest Shan Bertelli gives tips for prospective revolutionaries O

ver the years, Edinburgh University has witnessed its fair share of student protests.

Since the beginning of this year, there have been protests about the Gaza conflict, proposed cuts in the Modern Languages department, the BNP, the G20 finance ministers, and NATO. In light of this, here is a short guide for any prospective protesters who need a few tips to help them on their quest for protest perfection…

Step 1: Organise In 1999, the WTO protest in Seattle was the first ever internetorganised protest in the world.

These days, it’s as easy as creating a Facebook event and sending out the invitations, but it is a good idea to make sure you’ve got all the little details down. Forgetting to book the bus to your protest site is one of those things that just might stand in the way of an effective protest. Nothing could make for a worse protest than a large group of confused people aimlessly milling around like lost souls.

Step 2: Have a Good Sign, Slogan, and Chant Cheesy puns may be fun to do, but aren’t always the best idea. Something short and simple that gets the point

across is always preferable. Think of classic protest scenes from movies and be sure it’s written by someone who can spell. Of course, the obligatory chants of "HELL NO! WE WON’T GO!" are easy to remember and will get the crowd going every time.

"DOWN WITH THE INFLUENCE OF THE MAN ON THE MASSES REGARDLESS OF RACE, CLASS OR ETHNICITY!" is a little harder to shout over and over again.

you don’t want to end up in a cell for the night). Those poor bastards probably don’t want to be there and would like nothing more than to go home for a cup of tea and some biscuits. They won’t appreciate the fact that they were dragged out in the cold and the rain to accommodate your personal views, whether or not they agree with them. So be friendly, ensure your protest is as peaceful as possible, and all unpleasantness may be avoided.

Step 3: Camera Angles Be sure to know where the photographers are, even if they’re just from the local papers or those humble student publications. The key to a successful protest is an iconic image.

Also, that way you can make sure they get your good side for when the photograph comes back to haunt you in your future as a politician/banker/tycoon/housewife. Or, if you’re camera shy, it’s a sure bet to hide behind the tall people.

Step 5: Actually Know What You’re Talking About There is no point in protesting unless you know what you’re protesting about. Nothing is more aggravating than protesters who are jumping on the bandwagon of popular politics without any information other than what’s written on the banner above them. It’s also a good way to promote the cause as you can talk to and inform the people passing by. Who knows, you may even get some of them to join you.

Step 4: Be Friends with the Policemen Although you may be protesting against any number of authoritarian systems and institutions, remember that police officers are people too (and

If you like your libraries with a hint of Hogwarts, this is the place for you. Situated in an old church, the Divinity Library has surprisingly modern and luxurious interior, once you get past the huge and imposing doors. Gaze at the amazing roof, or have a sneaky nap at one of the numerous carrels.

Don't go anywhere without your iPod? music@studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Review 17

Music Memory Tapes Seek Magic Something in construction



fter sporadically A releasing songs under the monikers

Memory Cassette, Memory Tapes, and Weird Tapes, Philadelphia’s Dayve Hawk has finally settled on a name and a sound, and released a fully-formed album. It’s a rather brilliant move, as Seek Magic is one of the most melodic, danceable, and satisfying listens of the year, conjuring images of lost summers and good times that were all too fleeting, and presenting them as dreamy synth-pop that is varied, inventive and most of all, completely euphoric.

Each song here goes through so many changes that their end only slightly echoes their opening, but never does

Live The Flaming Lips Friday 15th November

 here are a number of bands out T there with the ability to put on a superlative live show; Radiohead’s

glimmering and ethereal light shows are not to be missed, while even a hater would have to give Muse credit for the bombastic aplomb with which they conduct themselves when they turn up at the country’s arenas and stadiums.

It’s genuinely hard to name another group, however, that could parallel The Flaming Lips in the live show stakes. Hyperbolic as it may sound, their gigs are so packed with ideas, so unrelentingly fun, they arguably stand in a league of their own. That they put on such a show not in one of the aforementioned behemoth venues but in a location no bigger than a theatre simply adds to their charm.

A little while after Stardeath and White Dwarfs wrap up their off kilter, lightly psychedelic heaviness, the rabid fans gathered in The Academy begin to murmur as a multicoloured woman begins to dance naked on a large screen. The image gradually zooms in

it feel as if these are a few half-formed ideas stuck together, everything fits perfectly and develops in a way that makes sense. ‘Bicycle’ for instance, starts with distant synths and an acoustic guitar refrain, before breaking into electronic choral sounds that give way to shimmering New Order guitars, finally releasing the tension with a stunning, joyous outro that Bernard Sumner’s new outfit just wish they could match.

Elsewhere, ‘Stop Talking’ runs on a slick groove and sharp synths, before morphing into a noisy post-rock beast.

It’s unpredictable, but always thrilling, and there’s not a track on the record that doesn’t build to an ending even more thrilling than it’s beginning. There are echoes of Cut Copy’s brilliant summer album In Ghost Colours, as well as old Nintendo soundtracks, but rarely have vintage game sounds been used to such effect, sounding full and organic rather than tinny and tacked-on.

At a time when everyone is getting

in on the electronic pop game, it takes a special talent to create an original twist that remains firmly in the realm of pop.

Without resorting to cliché or obvious formulas, Memory Tapes has packed this album with enough brilliant hooks to fill five albums, but it’s to his credit

until it fixes on a bright light between the woman’s thighs, from which The Flaming Lips, (minus perennially suited and impossibly cool frontman Wayne Coyne) emerge, descending a ramp and taking their places. As they launch into an instrumental intro, the bottom of the stage opens up and out comes Coyne in his trademark hamster ball, which is ceremoniously jettisoned onto the crowd. At the risk of sounding sentimental, it’s impossible for either the audience or Coyne himself to mask their joy as the grinning frontman

comes closer to his fans than would normally be permitted for a band of this stature.

Later we're treated to confetti-filled balloons being released over our heads, dancing yetis, and a megaphone that exudes bright red smoke. All these tricks are sprinkled over an impeccable latter-day Lips setlist. Culled entirely from their 1999 opus The Soft Bulletin onward, (aside from a nostalgic and beautiful 'She Don’t Use Jelly'), most favourites are present and accounted for. Opening with a euphoric 'Race

Singles sting Soul cake deutsche grammaphon



It’s barely worth pointing out that Sting takes himself a little bit seriously, but this is just ridiculous. He’s taken a traditional children’s song (sung by little children in the olden days going out on All Souls’ Day asking for cakes), made some additions by way of extra verses, an oud, and the tune from ‘God Rest You Merry Gentlemen’: the the resultant mess is best described as a Christmas dronealong for twats.

Singing this kind of nonsense in private is one thing, - if he had any decency, Sting might easily have kept this on the DL. Build a new yurt somewhere on your vast estate, ship in an ethnic troupe of carbon-offset troubadours for support, import some high-grade peyote to add some spice to the subsequent tantric shagging - and Bob’s your uncle. But allowing 'Soul Cake' out into the world, growing a soulful beard for added gravitas, and going on talk-shows to perform it?

This is troubling.� [Ed Ballard]

that he’s given his songs room to breathe and develop, not confining them to a standard verse-chorus repetitive structure. These songs are mini-masterpieces that go in many directions, all of them utterly thrilling.

John and Edward are in the twin beds of their hotel room, Edward bolt upright and silent in his shiny suit, John looking fearful with the covers pulled up above his chest. He has a black eye.

For The Prize', its all peaks from there on in; 'The W.A.N.D' truly sets the Academy off, while new songs from their dark new double album 'Embryonic' become transcendent sway-along anthems in the live setting. The show ends on a triumphant note, with mass sing along 'Do You Realise??' blaring out alongside a pair of huge confetti canons on either side of the stage.

It’s truly an experience that no fan will soon forget.

groove armada

mumford and sons

I won't kneel

Winter winds

bacardi

On tour with Jedward!

Michael Russam

ISLAND





Eventually the eighties revival will be over. Until then, nobody could possibly write a better eighties song than this, the first single from Groove Armada's upcoming eighth studio album. The only concession to the twenty-first century are some shoegazy synths; apart from them this is gloriously, shamelessly retro. Saint Saviour gives her finest Annie Lennox impression in the verse before going into full Cyndi Lauper mode for the chorus, the lyrics of which are clearly meant to be sung by someone in shoulderpads: ‘I drove for miles in a city trance / I came to ask for a second chance, but I won’t kneel’.

It's totally ridiculous in the way that Abba is ridiculous, especially when you think that Groove Armada are still best known for songs which now sound retro in a completely different way - like ‘I see you baby’ and ‘Superstylin’’ - but more importantly, ‘I won’t kneel’ demands to be listened to, at least four times and at great volume. [EB]

You can be certain of one thing when it comes to bands associated with Britain’s much-heralded folk revival (a revival which apparently contains Laura Marling, Noah and the Whale, Mumford and Sons, and nobody else to speak of ): they take themselves very seriously. Sure enough, Marcus Mumford shows off his religious side in this cloying, vaguely festive-sounding ballad. It’s hard to figure out what he’s going on about -(possibly the virtue of chastity) but it’s certainly very important: ‘Oh, the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved / Was the same that sent me into your arms’, he grumbles accusingly to his pitiable beloved. 'Winter Winds' boasts a wealth of instrumentation - accordian, soaring trumpets, and the ogligatory banjo - but not enough to compensate for the repetitive vocal melody and Mumford’s weirdly dolorous lyrics. (‘The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague’ - heavens, Marcus!) Tedious stuff. [EB]

John: Psst. Edward... Are you OK? You don’t look OK. I’m get scared when you look like this...Edward, can you even hear me?

Edward: (in strangled tones, eyes glowing red): You little SHITE! John: (whimper) Edward: You WHIMPERING little SHITE! I told you not to call me Edward!

John (quietly; he has grown cautious of making this point these past weeks): But it’s your name, Edward. You remember, back home in DublinEdward: Don’t talk about Dublin, I’ve told you! And I’ve told you my name is Jedward!

John: It... it can’t be. That’s the name they’ve given to both of us. You’re still Edward, and I’ll always be John.

Edward(mimicking): ‘I’ll always be John’ - you make me sick! I’m Jedward, and you’re Jedward. Only I’m more Jedward than you are, because my whole name’s in the word Jedward, and only one letter of your name is. That’s just maths - but you never were too good with the numbers, were you?

John (a solitary tear glinting in the light of the bedside lamp): don’t start Edward - Jedward. Just please don’tEdward: Thick John, that’s what they used to call you. Stupid John. Slow John. That’s why you’re finding it so hard to understand about the money.

John (pleading): What don’t I understand? I’ve told you you can take the money! I don’t care about the money, I just want my brother back!

Edward: I don't have a brother, just a parasite!

John: You don’t mean it - you know Jedward has to be the two of us. They like us because we’re twins. That’s the whole point of Jedward. That’s what it’s all about - you and me.

Edward: That's not what Simon said.

Simon told me I’d be better off with a different partner. He said I’m the talented one and you’re just slowing me down. So I was thinking, some sort of animal. A rat. A rat would make a better partner than you. (His eyes glaze over) You don’t understand.

This isn’t about Ghostbusters. This isn’t about the X-Factor. This isn’t even about these suits. (He looks down at his shiny suit, then across at John, who is looking terrified) You’re not even wearing your suit, are you?

John: I am, I am! I’m always wearing it, just like you said But Edward jumps onto John's bed and pulls off the bedding with the ferocity of a jungle ape, to reveal his brother dressed in his favourite Spiderman pyjamas.

Edward: You baby. You stupid, talentless baby. Don't you know I'm a star? I'm going to have a comeback album and an emotional breakup.

I'm going to the Priory. I'm Princess fucking Di! SAY IT! John (tired and defeated): OK. You're Princess Di. Now please let's please go to sleep.

Edward: I AM JEDWARD!

Tuesday November 24 2009 film@studentnewspaper.org

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18 Review

5 Films... ...Worst video game adapations

Mortal Kombat (1995) Any of you old enough to remember the early nineties should easily recall the massively popular Mortal Kombat video game which dominated the cool kid’s arcade scene. Having sparked controversy because of the realism with which the violence and gore was presented, Mortal Kombat the film also lived up to the standards of the day and provided a bloodthirsty martial arts fest featuring many of the video game’s more outlandish characters, including Christopher Lambert donning a straw hat and pair of dodgy electrical eyes.

Street Fighter (1994) Maybe we got it all wrong. Maybe we as a society just weren’t ready for the truth. The peace keeping Allied Nations seek diplomatic resolution to the increasing nuclear (super soldier) threat from the highly secretive North Shadaloo nation. A nation who have tested these nuclear threats underground against AN protocol. Read between the lines, people! The only way to prevent Kim Jong-Il from starting WWIII is to send Jean-Claude Van Damme and Kylie Minogue into North Korea to take him down. Even if they have to die for our freedom, it is a price I am willing to pay considering the steaming pile that was Street Fighter: The Movie.

Pokemon (1999-2008) I spent many a pre-pubescent hour tapping away on my brick-sized gameboy on what was, at the time of its release, a revolutionary game format which still has quaint appeal today. They were pushing it when they released their ubiquitous set of playing cards; but the films were six (or eight, or however many there were) bridges too far. No real plots to speak of, and they got shitter as they went beyond the original (and best!) 150 Pokemon.

And Brock had, like, no eyes. What the fuck is up with that?

Tomb Raider (2001) The directors had a long list of beautiful english actresses to play the aristocratic adventurer. But they picked American Angelina Jolie, who is neither as fit nor as good an actress as she's made out to be. Deviated almost completely from the original game and added a host of annoying and unnecessary extra characters.

Resident Evil (2002) Video games do have plots, but directors don't seem to have realised this.

Another film that bears no resemblance to the original game. There's quite a cool bit where disposable foot soldier #3 gets chopped into tiny bits by lasers controlled by an evil little girl/computer. Milla Jovovich is also quite fit. That's all its got going for it.

Craig Wilson, Dan Nicholson-Heap & Kim McLaughlan

A SERIOUS MAN DIRECTED BY JOEL COEN/ETHAN COEN  THE COEN brothers’ latest is a comedy, but it’s certainly more serious than their last, rather frivolous, star-studded outing.

Stage actor Michael Stuhlbarg gives a wonderful performance as Larry Gopnick, a physics professor whose life is beginning to fall apart.

His wife wants to leave him for a smug, irritating acquaintance, his children are going through their ‘difficult teen’ phase, Larry’s no-hoper brother is living on their couch, getting in trouble with the police and draining a cyst on his neck in their bathroom, his application for tenure at work is coming up for review and he has inadvertently joined a record club that keep calling him for payments. It’s a modern-day story of Job, set in a sixties mid-western suburb in a largely Jewish community.

It would be pushing it to call this a personal film, but the Coen’s have admitted there are some parallels with their own upbringing here, and it’s easy to imagine the immensely amusing stoned Bar Mitzvah scene as a real-life Coen story. Although funny throughout, this is a piece of work that asks some big questions in its portrayal of a good man’s undeserved trials and his confusing

SOUTHERN SOFTIES DIRECTED BY GRAHAM FELLOWS  SOUTHERN SOFTIES is the latest film to star the comedy alter ego of Sheffield-born Graham Fellows, the combined organ player and singer John Shuttleworth. Something of a sequel to Fellows previous film Nice Up North, the film, which premiered at the Pleasance union during this year's Fringe, follows Shuttleworth as he attempts to discover whether or not the south of Britain is really softer than the North as conventional wisdom has led us to believe.

To answer this question he employs similar methods to those popularised

by Sacha Baron Cohen as Shuttleworth travels around the Channel Islands asking them whether they’re softer than the North.

Unfortunately this is pretty much all that happens. Despite a shockingly dull side plot where John’s agent/sometime camera man (also played by Fellows) disappears, about 70 percent of the film is just footage of Fellows in character wandering up to mildly perturbed Islanders asking them if they’re soft.

The major disappointment here is how massively un-engaging Shuttleworth is as a character. In order for a film of this nature to work it requires us to feel something for the character as Cohen did so well in Borat. At no point does Fellows manage this and in the end the character comes over as simply boring.

The worst of all this is that the Shuttleworth character isn’t even charismatic in person. As he brings random person after random person before the camera conversation soon falls to the level of one word answers as the Southerners realise they’re talking to the dullest man on earth.

Once or twice however the film does shine when the Southerners engage fully with Shuttleworth and Fellows manages to show that there

HE WHO ARTICULATED IT, PARTICULATED IT: A step back for the fight against global warming search for help through the wisdom of some local rabbis, particularly the oldest, most eminent but rather elusive Rabbi Marshak. Larry endures his troubles in a manner that suggests he is simply baffled by how easily everything has gone wrong, his frustration and desperation never boils over into a clichéd mid-life crisis collapse, making him all the more sympathetic.

The film begins with a seemingly unrelated prologue, a strange vignette set in 19th century Poland. Of course,

this being a Coen brothers film, nothing is ever clearly resolved, and there are no obvious answers, but the tone set by this opening somehow fits with the story to follow, whilst the cliffhanger at the close is utterly thrilling.

The cinematography is excellent, giving the suburban lawns and identical houses a sharp, unshowy look, and the soundtrack switches suitably between Jefferson Airplane, Jimi Hendrix and a dreamy score. The magic of the Coen’s output is that meanings are never spoon-fed, and this is a story

is an appealing wit somewhere within the character. Funny moments - like when Shuttleworth's assistants go to a hardware shop to buy materials to fix his glasses, blissfully unaware of the Specsavers accross the street - are too few and far between to save the film.

Due to a low budget the film was shot, for the most part, on regular camcorder tape, but to its credit it succeeds in working this into the plot effectively.

However, when the look of the film is combined with the fact that Fellows insists on commentating over all the

footage it gives the distinct feeling of watching someone else’s holiday tapes.

Ultimately this film lives or dies on whether you like the Shuttleworth character. Unfortunately, for most the character will end up being nothing more than annoyance, not quite being strange enough to be interesting but not quite realistic enough to be appealing.

Michael Tait

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?: They didn't have cameras oop Norf

Southern Softies Screening Times

Cameo Monday,Tuesday,Thursday: 1.10pm

The Informants!

Screening Times Cineworld Daily:12.20pm, 3pm. 5.35pm, 8.20pm

that’s message could be discussed endlessly. It’s an uncomfortable but riveting watch, and ranks amongst the very best work they have made.

Andrew Chadwick

Screening Times Cineworld Daily:1pm, 3.30pm, 6pm, 8.35pm

THE INFORMANT! DIRECTED BY STEVE SODERBERGH 

AS THE latest feature length production from renowned director Steve Soderbergh, The Informant! has high expectations to meet. This film merges what was a serious real life story with some high tomfoolery, with mixed results. Mark Whitacre (Damon), is a rising star of the business world, climbing through the ranks of cereal conglomerate ADM. He uncovers price-fixing, and after some persuasion from his wife, turns the company over to the FBI. The film is built around Whitacre, and justly so, with most of the jokes emanating from his twisted worldview. He sees everyone around him as a schmuck, he calls himself ‘0014’ because he’s ‘twice as smart as James Bond’ and expresses an ultimately deluded belief that his company will promote him once he sees several board members jailed for their crimes.

Whitacre’s good deeds dovetail with his struggle with bipolar disorder: the film focuses on his meltdown and demise resulting from the pressures of wearing a wire and organizing surveillance for the FBI for three years.

Unfortunately for the FBI, their lead witness hasn't been quite so forthcoming about helping himself to the corporate coffers. Whitacre's everchanging account frustrates the agents (Scott Bakula and Joel McHale) and threatens the case against ADM as it becomes almost impossible to decipher what is real and what is the product of Whitacre's rambling imagination.

Damon is at his best, but is limited by the writing of his character, and can't carry the film, which ends up feeling somewhat shallow. Go and see it for Damon in a mustache, cracking wise and being a fool. If you are expecting deep political satire, then prepare to be disappointed.

Sean Cameron

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Tuesday 24 November 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Review 19 kim

KIM AND DAN GO HEAD TO HEAD

 Just about every tragic cliché in the whole history of the cheesy Mills & Boon style romance genre has been includeded in this film.

Because of this, and the inevitably predictable plot, everyone with perhaps the exception of very young teenage girls should rightfully detest this film.

Yet in a bizarre twist of fate, I have shamefacedly joined the mostly prepubescent Twi-hards in my new found love of the Twilight movies.

Following Weitz’s first instalment of the Twilight saga where the two protagonists finally get it on after much anticipation, its sequel New Moon sees us rejoin the seemingly happy Bella Swan (Kirsten Stewart) and her vampire boyfriend Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) in rainy Forks.

However, disaster strikes the vampire’s love nest, and we are plunged into a racy adventure of treachery, lust and an unrelenting quest for true love. Edward leaves Forks, sacrificing his own happiness in a move designed to improve Bella’s life, supposedly leaving her to fill her head full of normal teenage pursuits, such as shopping and teenage boys, of course.

Disaster ensues, with months passing and our heroine slumping further and further into a pit of despondency, and miserably clinging onto the friendship of the young Jake (Taylor Lautner), the other hot new monster in town.

KimMcLaughlan&DanNicholson-Heapdebate latest blockbusterNewMoon New Moon provides its audience with delightful romantic escapism, much like a soap opera, or a slightly more fantastical sulky teen’s version of Wuthering Heights. Suspense is effectively built upon through dark and shadowy cinematography, special effects, and stunning shots of rolling scenery.

Quiver-worthy moments of hotness - when sparks fly between Bella and Edward - were guiltily indulged in by the mostly female members of the audience. This onscreen chemistry is a result of the genuine offscreen relationship between Kirsten

Stewart and Robert Pattinson.

New Moon boasts all of the necessary components that the Twi-hards will surely find endearing. The suspense, romance, and hot monsters from our nightmares/dreams will be sure to recruit a few new members to their cult…

Screening Times Cineworld Daily: 10:45, 11:45, 12:15, 13:45, 14:45, 15:15, 16:45, 17:45, 18:15, 19:45, 20:45, 21:15

Up, up and away

Sean Cameron examines the rise of the comic book genre It started in 1998 with a leather trench-coated half-vampire in a nightclub slashing ravers (Blade).

Then it moved onto a bald guy in a wheelchair who leads an army of circus freaks dressed in too-tight tights against evil Gandalf (X-Men).

Then the sequels came. Since at least the 60s with the popularity of the Batman and Incredible Hulk TV shows and the enduring popularity of the Christopher Reeve Superman films, comic book movies have had a special place in out hearts.

However, comic book adaptions largely retreated back to the small screen after the initial success of Superman, and it has only been over the last ten years or so they've hit the big time, successfully transcending their inherently geeky upbringing and become a commercially viable genre that studios love. The rise of the comic book movie can be traced to the rise of geek culture.

With the popularisation of the internet, more and more aspects of traditional geek culture have permeated our homes and lives. Geek chic is a very popular trend, gadgets are a must have and the video games industry outstrips both the global film and music industries in terms of revenue.

As a result, the comic book heroes of the past have been brought back into our collective consciousness.

There is no longer any social stigma involved in geekdom and thus the comic book hero has become more acceptable.

The rise of our geeky culture has ensured that comic book heroes have provided their traditional release from reality but on a far wider scale.

Since the fall of the Berlin Wall and the subsequent collapse of the Soviet Union there have been no ‘villains’ on the world stage. History demands that we have an evil empire to hate. Comic book baddies fill

this space; the films represent the ultimate in escape and empowered individualism. Comic book heroes live in clear cut worlds, there is good and there is evil. Goodies are square jawed paragons of justice and baddies are obviously evil and twisted.

It is in this simplicity that we find release, these super-powered men and women lead much easier lives than we do and have unparalleled personal freedom. We want them, we want to be them.

It is this ability to provide clean fun and to transcend nationalities that has ensured their place in our hearts, they represent the best that a person can possibly be as an individual and in doing so move above anything that the likes of Disney have every achieved.

At the same time as allowing us to escape into our fantasies, the genre has gained success by becoming gritter and more real. Goodies are no longer just fighting for truth, justice and the American way, but struggling with their own demons. Heath Ledger's Joker is no longer a run-ofthe-mill villain, but a socipath and much closer than in the past to the bogeyman of the 21st century: The Terrorist. Gotham City is no longer a neo-gothic fantasy world, but an equivalent of LA or New York.

With many comic book filmsThor, The Green Hornet and IronMan 2- still on the horizon, the genre seems destined to be around for some time longer.

Dan  This film gets one star because Cineworld let me in free. That was literally its only redeeming feature.

Kim's told you the plot, so thankfully I can use my column inches to tell you how gut-wretchingly shit this film is.

I understand that its target is, well, not me. Fourteen-year-old girls who have read all the books cover to cover will lap it all up: from the stilted dialogue and straight out of an A-Level

English Lit textbook imagery, to the 50% or so of the film which consists solely of lingering shots of that guy's unfeasibly well-toned abs (see picture, left). However, there was almost nothing that would appeal to people outside that demographic.

I understand that it's the second in a trilogy, but they could have made a bit more of an effort to make it accessible to those who haven't read the books or seen the first film. I really tried to give it a chance, but I was already asleep on my cinema companion's shoulder after the first ten minutes; waking up to hear "I want to come/Let me come/ I'm coming/No you can't", wondering what the hell I'd missed.

The only two talented actors-Michael Sheen and Robert Patinson are confined to about fifteen minutes each, the latter ostensibly appearing as a badly-tuned hologram. The lion's share of the film is taken up by the wooden (and plastic) Barbie and Ken (Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner).

They tried far too hard to get Robert Pattinson and co. to look like vampires; the excess of pale, sparkly make-up made them look like someting that you'd see at Carlisle Pride.

Ditto for Lautner's laughably bad hair extensions; his gang of shirtless and tight-trousered werewolves made them come across as a second-rate Native American version of the Chippendales.

The clearly-nicked-from The Matrix end fight-scene is a somehow a fitting end to a film which chucks in bits of every genre it can think in the hope that it will all work out in the end.

It doesn't.

Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

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20 Review

TV THREE MINUTE WONDER

Water always wins

Paddy Douglas travels to Mars to witness the Doctor's penultimate adventure

IMAGINE FOR a moment you’re a young free-thinking filmmaker, eager for your chance to hold a mirror up to the world. You’ve finally decided YouTube’s acerbic comment section doesn't provide the insightful and receptive criticism you deserve. Well, thanks to everyone’s favourite kooky, alternative broadcaster your prayers have been answered! Channel 4 will foot your bills to the tune of £4,000 per episode, and run your programme in the juicy heart of their primetime schedule, displaying your creative talents to an audience of literally some.

On a more serious note, 3 Minute Wonder is excellent. It breaks up the evening weekday schedule by throwing your tired brain an artsy curveball, and genuinely seems to fulfil C4’s pledge to "nurture talent and original ideas." In terms of content it’s intentionally a very mixed bag: each group of creative nobodies gets four slots over the course of the week, and each week will have an overarching theme. In recent weeks we’ve seen "The Rory Peck Awards," an awards show honouring the courage of freelance filmmakers, and "The Unquiet American," a fly-on-the-wall showcase of the opinions of some less conspicuous demographics.

The fact that the slot is only three minutes long and its budget seems pretty shoestring gives the programmes a unique, unconvential flavour not found elsewhere on TV. This makes it easy to romanticise 3MW as the Zorro of British broadcasting, striking fear and provoking thought in the heart of primetime, mounting the soapbox of Channel 4 and bellowing, fist raised, at the sea of sheep around us to wake up and think freely. But throwing unconventional programming at people when they'll most likely to be eating their dinner is always going to leave some with a feeling of "WTF?".

I definitely count myself as one of them, and although 3MW isn’t always going to be everyone’s cup of tea, it will at least energise your brain rather than simply bathe it in a sea of hysterical pre-Christmas advertising.

To say some 3 Minute Wonders are average at best isn’t really a criticism. It’s the nature of open forum performance to be a little bit hit-and-miss (our dear Fringe being a prime example). So I find myself in the moral high ground along with C4 and presumably most of you when I say that those misses are more than worthwhile if they give a nobody a chance for a big hit.

If you haven’t caught one already, get on Channel 4’s website and have a browse of the 3 Minute Wonders up there. It's worth it.

Ben Upton

INTERGALACTIC: The Doctor and Adelaide were taking this game of LazerQuest a little too seriously.

A

nd so it begins - the beginning of the end. David Tennant's reign of the TARDIS is nearing its conclusion, and the seeds of his downfall were sown in Doctor Who's most recent special, "The Waters of Mars."

Despite its use of time travel as a central narrative device, the episode's storyline was a relatively simple affair.

The doctor finds himself on Mars in 2059 and encounters Earth's first off-planet colony. What seems like an example of the strength of human endeavour will ultimately turn to shit, however, as the eponymous hero knows from his extensive travels to the future that the base will eventually self-destruct and all the people

in it will perish. Just before he can get his coat and leave this awkward situation, the inhabitants start turning into crackedfaced, water-gushing zombies whose only aim is to cause liquid havoc and infect the rest of the planet, 28 Days Later-style.

It's basically a "base-under-siege" story, a structure that has been used in countless films and TV shows, and countless times in Doctor Who. It's a useful format, in that it allows for a variety of differently-minded characters to interact with one another and create tension among themselves.

It also means that their predicament becomes scarier as these poor folks realise they have nowhere to run, and that a large majority of them will cop it in increasingly

gruesome and imaginative ways.

The episode used the format well, and although there were too many characters and too little time for the viewers to form any meaningful connection to them, Russell T Davies (the episode's writer and current Doctor Who czar) didn't hold back in doling out the executions. They were being picked off left, right and centre, and in such dramatic ways that it was hard not to be affected by the fates of these characters, especially when you knew it was simply a foregone conclusion.

Lindsay Duncan filled the companion duties for this special, playing Adelaide Brooke, the plucky base leader. I had imagined her wealth of experience on the

stage and screen would have brought some sort of gravitas to the role, but I found her presence a touch insipid. She spent most of the time telling the doctor off in her cold, posh voice, and as she was meant to resemble one of the first space pioneers, a heroic and legendary figure, her performance didn't really match the bill.

Thankfully, the same can't be said of David Tennant. He didn't do his usual "bulging eyes and gritting teeth" schtick he seems to employ whenever something dramatic happens, and, thanks to the writer's decision to give him some real meat to chew on, instead went for something far subtler.

In the end, the doctor went, to use a technical term, a bit apeshit, circumvented the laws of time and made three of the base members survive.

He displayed an arrogant, obnoxious streak that's a much welcome transition from the zany, happy-go-lucky Doctor we've gotten used to. And when Brooke decided to adhere to the rules and commit suicide to ensure the Space-Time Continuum was still intact, you could see everything the doctor believed in fall down around his ears. It was a real "pride before the fall" moment, which set the character up well for his yuletide showdown with the Master, this time in the form of what seems like a junkie version of John Simm with peroxide blonde hair.

Despite the success of the story, you can't help but feel Davies and co. are saving the real fun stuff for Christmas.

December suddenly seems like a long, long time away.

Reality bites

Jonathas Soares casts his eye on 'Jedward'-mania and Jordan's return to the jungle

W

hat do Katie Price and The X Factor twins have in common, besides the obvious fruit references, as in John and Edward look like human pineapples and Jordan has massive melons? Well, they’re all reality TV “stars,” which means we, the reality TV public, are solely responsible for their ascent into prominence. The public kept “Jedward” in, while sending competent singers packing, such as Jamie Archer and his fro and Rachel whats-herface-Adejajajajeee. Good job it’s an “entertainment entertainment competition,” not a singing one.

But then it all went a bit too far. After week three’s shocking result left the then-darling of the public Danyl Johnson in the bottom two, people started realising things were going a bit off the rails. It sparked a national debate with viewers asking themselves: “‘Jedward’ obviously can’t sing, so why are they still here? Is it right? Is it ethical? What would the pope, the UN or Barack Obama say about this?”

Similarly, why are we as the public allowing Jordan to make a

comeback? If no one watches, it won’t really be a comeback, will it? Also, Jordan, you’re defeating the purpose of the show: it’s called I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, not I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Back in There. Seriously, it's scandalous that Katie Price is allowed to charge £350,000 to strut her stuff in the jungle. Granted she’s arguably the only real celebrity on this ninth edition of the show, but it's still extremely steep. In a recent interview, she stated she was doing it because she “wanted to be loved again” by the public. I'm sure we'd love her a lot more if we never saw her again.

She’s obviously going back to her origins; I daresay her original rise to fame occurred not because we found her display of wit truly enchanting, but rather, it may have had something to do with her gargantuan bresticles.

The chiselled prose in her novels and her delicate choice of words in them (never “cock,” always “willy”) also improved her reputation. Some say even the name change from “Jordan” to her real one might have helped, and that’s something she shares with “Jedward.”

Like “Brangelina” and “TomKat” before them, “TomKat

John and Edward got their own combination nickname from the press. But that used to be done only for couples, and so now every time I hear “Jedward” I can’t help but think “gay twincest.” Whilst you try to get the mental images out of your head, I’ll just say this again: they have no talent. But one has to admit, they've got a certain je ne sais quoi, a magic about them that makes viewers and even real pop stars such as Calvin Harris go nutty as fruitcake and jump on stages wearing pineapples on their heads. It must be because they make us laugh. However, poor “Jedward” don't seem to understand: most of us are

laughing at them, not with them. If, in a shocking turn of events, they win The X Factor, I will personally go to their book signing, say “hello” and then swiftly punch them in the face, just like I did with Leona Lewis.

As for Jordan, I can’t wait to watch her feast on pig's balls marinated in maggot sauce, or be attacked by Australian scorpians who feed on silicone. No pain, no 350,000 pound gain. All I know is, whatever happens next, we’ll sure be tuning in to watch this televisual train wreck for weeks to come.

TWINS: Did you know Gareth Gates and Jordan didn't use a condom?

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Tuesday November 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

21 Review

TECHNOLOGY 'THAT' LEVEL hen the little box popped W up in Modern Warfare 2, twice alerting me of the potentially

offensive mission to follow, I was giddy with excitement. I’d heard the disturbing rumours and I was in.

Titled "No Russian," this mission has the player - acting as a covert CIA agent who has infiltrated a Russian terrorist cell - take part in the killing of civilians in an international airport.

If you tallied the number of pedestrians I’ve run over - that we’ve all run over - in Grand Theft Auto, you’d know that this isn’t the first time that we’ve got the digital blood of the innocent on our hands. So let’s not dwell on whether or not "No Russian" should exist and let’s look at why developers Infinity Ward could actually pull something this controversial off.

For starters, they have slipped in challenging material in the past. Sitting alongside the military set-pieces from the first Modern Warfare (think 24 meets Rambo), the developers managed to weave in some intellectual content. A mission where players assume the role of a cockpit gunner in a Spectre aircraft strikes an unsettling chord. Viewed through thermal imaging monitors, buildings and squads of troops are levelled with single shots from the massively overpowered artillery all to the morbid background chatter between the gunner and pilot: “Smoked that guy”, “We got a runner.

You got him”. The abstraction this creates is entirely unpleasant.

This was fairly implicit and sat behind the action which had always been the main intent. Conversely it doesn’t get more explicit than transplanting the violence into an international airport.

The massacre of "No Russian" begins as soon as the elevator opens and you waltz into the airport foyer together with your new terrorist buds.

The brutality with which they open fire on the crowd is devastating. A crowd of roughly forty innocent people are murdered in seconds.

Gun in hand, you are forced onward through the corpses to marvel at the horrific carnage on display.

Your options? Well, you could shoot the terrorists but they’ll kill you in turn, failing the mission.

You could not shoot and enjoy the sights and sounds that Infinity Ward’s team of designers have lovingly crafted for your enjoyment: the panic fuelled by the screams of fleeing survivors and the cries of the wounded left behind as they clutch their dead family and friends right outside the departure gate. It is one of the most harrowing images I’ve ever seen in a game, I’ll give them that.

Or you could become complicit and take part in the massacre because hey, at least it’s something to do, right?

"No Russian" is disgusting and its makers should be ashamed. They’ve framed the imagery in such contrived and restrictive mechanics that it can only be viewed as sensationalised war porn. There’s no point being made and no message to be heard. The only member of Infinity Ward who comes out clean is the guy who decided to include a pop up box to let players skip this depraved bullshit.

Craig Wilson

Return of the King

Richard Lane stands Danger Close to Activision's latest military thrill ride MODERN WARFARE 2 PC, X360, PS3 £39.99-49.99 ACTIVISION, INFINITY WARD

 odern Warfare 2 annoyed me before M it had even landed on the shelves.

First came Activision’s arbitrary price

increase across all platforms, which made all gamers of the world grind their teeth in anger. Then Infinity Ward announced the PC version would not support dedicated servers, sparking an online petition signed by over 200,000 people, including myself.

Despite the cynical corporate bastardry preceding the game's release, I must admit it is another stunningly designed slice of bombastic entertainment from Infinity Ward. It is not, however, the return of that bearded bloke with holes in his extremities which Activision’s colossal hype machine would have you believe.

Set five years after the events of Modern Warfare, the demise of ÜberTerrorist Imran Zakhaev at the hands of "Soap"MacTavish has not made the world a better place. Zakhaev has become a martyr in the eyes of his native Russia, and his right-hand man Vladimir Makarov is causing chaos around the world. Such is the premise for newly created Task Force 141 to cause further chaos as they try to track Makarov down.

While the plot is decent in theory, it is shoddily executed. Much of the story is insufficiently explained, resulting in many of the "twists"making little apparent sense without perusing Wikipedia.

This doesn’t stop the game from

SNOW PLACE FOR A WAR: Greenpeace take the fight to save the polar bear to the next level being some of the best fun you can have without a water-based lubricant. The gunplay is as exhilarating as ever, with an huge array of weaponry on offer alongside some wonderful new toys such as the Predator drone, a remotecontrolled aerial missile. Although the pacing is better than the first game, there are still certain "hard points," where it overwhelms you with endlessly spawning enemies. In particular, battling through the Favela in Rio de Janeiro will have you punching your screen in aggravation. True to form, Modern Warfare 2 stuffs dazzling set-pieces into your eyes like ocular Malteasers, the scaling of a crumbling ice-shelf in the second mission being one of my personal favourites.

Again though, these occurrences are so frequent that you occasionally wonder

how much you're actually playing the game. Also, there’s everyone's favourite controversy stirrier "No Russian" (see "'That' Level") of which I shall say nothing other than it made me blink, and that’s a lot of emotion coming from someone who happily murdered the Little Sisters in Bioshock.

Although longer than its prequel, the new single-player campaign remains frustratingly short. The multiplayer, however, could potentially provide years of enjoyment, with an absurd amount of achievements and unlockables, perks and killstreaks (including control of a harrier jump-jet). Getting started can be tough, as established players who have an array of perks have a distinct advantage, though random perk drops go some way to solving the problem.

For the less competitive player there’s also the spec-ops mode, 30 short missions that can be undertaken with a friend. Special mention goes to the divine "Overwatch" mission, where one player must protect his grounded companion using an artillery-laden Spectre aircraft. This mode is enormously enjoyable, and hopefully what Modern Warfare 2 will be remembered for.

Modern Warfare 2 effectively feeds us more of the same, albeit with jucier cherries on top, and after two years sitting in the fridge there's a slight whiff of cheese emanating from it.

Bearing in mind that the original was an action packed masterpiece, slightly-off Modern Warfare 2 tastes bloody good nonetheless.

Just a Tribute

Tom Hasler shreds his face and melts some axes BRUTAL LEGEND X360, PS3 £39.99 EA

 yped as the heavy metal parody H game fronted by Tenacious D’s Jack Black, Brutal Legend is the return

of adventure game pioneer Tim Schafer. With credentials such as his, I was expecting something special, and while the game is certainly not bad, it’s disappointingly unspectacular.

The game centres on a roadie, Eddie Riggs, who is transported to a metaphorical world of rock after an accident during a concert and is quickly enveloped in a human uprising against demons and hair-metal sellouts. This world is brought to life with great artwork and a compelling cast of characters. Many of these are in fact cameos from metal veterans like Lemmy from Motorhead, who plays a bass-playing healer ironically named Kill Master, and Ozzy Osborne as the Guardian of Metal who sounds so coherent it's borderline spooky. The plot is pretty gripping, especially given the setting, and the characters both look and sound

superb. Although the humour dies down a few hours into the game, you can tell Schafer had lots of fun with the concept and it’s certainly original.

Now onto the bad stuff. The game kicks off with you battling enemies using a guitar, which in the land of rock casts deadly spells, and an axe, which is an actual axe and not another guitar.

At this point the game is hugely enjoyable, but soon you find it has several other, lesser elements. These include driving through the open world and controlling armies in parodial Stage Battles. These battles surprisingly make up the bread and butter of the game which is disappointing because they are tedious affairs.

In each battle you and your opponent are given a stage which generates troops and vehicles for you to control. Between you are fan "geysers" which you need to control with merchandise booths for resources.

Directing your army involves simple commands that are rather crudely implemented, forcing you to move Eddie back and

forth to keep your army together. In the end the only real control you have is over Eddie, who you use to attack the opposing army with a literally face-melting solo or to capture fan geysers. Intermittently it can be pretty fun, but far too much time is spent babysitting your army and managing

your economy which sadly amounts to spamming units.

The system certainly isn’t perfect but I have to give Schafer kudos for integrating it into an open world adventure game. The implication of having all these experiences is that you get a sense of both scale and drama, but I never felt like any one part of the game was truly deep. While never really blowing me away, it always charmed me with its clear love and understanding of metal, though I don’t really feel like I got my money’s worth given that the main story wraps up in around eight hours, with the game relying on the multiplayer - based on the aforementioned stage battles - to add value.

I can’t say I’ll remember this game; it’s like when Steven Spielberg and Tom Cruise made War of the Worlds: not a bad movie but it's E.T. that you’ll show to your kids.

Maybe I’m being too harsh, but I know Schafer can do better. Right now if you asked me whether Brutal Legend was worth buying, my answer would be no. On the other hand, if you’ve got time to kill and can get the game for a tenner you probably won’t regret it.

Puzzles

Thierry says:

“

It was ze 'and of God." Thierry Henry struggles to explain Ireland's exit from the World Cup

Puzzles

The Student Crossword #11

Solutions

Sudoku #11

ACROSS

Sudoku is a logic-based number-placement puzzle. The objective is to fill the 9×9 grid so that each column, each row, and each of the nine 3×3 boxes (also called blocks or regions) contains the digits from 1 to 9 only once.

Hitori #11 The object of Hitori is to eliminate numbers by shading in the squares such that remaining cells do not contain numbers that appear more than once in either a given row or column. Filled-in cells cannot be horizontally or vertically adjacent, although they can be diagonally adjacent. The remaining un-filled cells must form a single component (i.e there must be no isolated numbers

CROSSWORD

HITORI

1. Severe (7) 4. Easily broken (7) 8. Wind-powered vessel (7,4) 12. Harvest (4) 13. Travel from place to place (4) 14. Glum (5) 15. Sycophant (3-3) 17. Sacred poem (5) 22. Fanny's your... (4) 23. Alcoholic drink (5) 24. "Open your mouth and say..." (plural) (4) 25. Surrounded by (5) 28. Conflict (6) 30. Friendly (5) 32. Ripped (4) 34. Become roused from sleep (4) 35. Born in November or December (11) 38. Narrative (7) 39. Radiators (7) 1. Milk produce (5) 2. Lather (4) 3. Unwell (3) 5. Steal (3) 6. Midge (4) 7. Supporter of views beyond the norm (9) 8. Identical (4) 9. Metallic element (4) 10. Increased in size (4) 11. Garment of ancient Rome (4)

14. Perhaps (5) 16. Glossy (5) 18. Begin (5) 19. Large hairy spider (9) 20. Plant (3) 21. Rot (5) 26. Rowing implements (4) 27. Jam, woman of dubious morals(4)

28. Second letter of the Greek alphabet (4) 29. Borrow (4) 31. Chairs (5) 33. Western pact (4) 34. Skin growth (4) 36. Tavern (3) 37. Cereal grass (3)

SCOTT MAHONY

SUDOKU

DOWN

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Tuesday Novermber 24 2009 studentnewspaper.org

Sport 23

Injury Time TAKES A LOOK AT THE WORLD OF SPORT

Who next for Scotland?

A tainted legacy?

Hugh Masters considers the reprecussions of Andre Agassi's revelations

SUCH IS my disillusionment with Scottish football at present I am struggling to get excited with any of the candidates mentioned in relation to the Scotland job. Nevertheless I would put John Collins forward as my preferred choice. His time at Hibernian suggests that he wants to play passing football and is not afraid to give young players a chance. I believe he would take Scotland in the right direction. Alistair Shand SO, ALL the incompetent Scottish managers have now been given their worth. It is now time to look at the alternative. Dwight Yorke? Or maybe not. Roy Keane? The guy is quite honestly the worst manager in the game, if of course you accept the likelihood that John Barnes was trying to coach Tranmere at ice hockey. However, he would scare the woollen mitten gloves off the Scottish players' hands so much that none of them would ever dare to have midnight binge sessions, walk out on the squad or lose points to Macedonia. Ed Senior SOMEONE WITH a dressing room presence who commands respect is what Scotland needs. Walter Smith and Alex McLeish didn’t let anyone muck them about and I doubt a "boozegate" would have occurred under their watch. Scotland players are too used to having things their way and someone needs to change this. Will Lyon THE SCOTTISH national side is desperately seeking stability and an injection of some realism as to where the team is going. Efforts must be made to emulate the success of the Republic of Ireland; relying on the players' application and commitment to bring about results, not necessarily flair and finesse. I feel John Collins is the right man for the job. If New Zealand and Algeria can do it then why on earth can’t we? Hugh Masters CRAIG LEVEIN has enjoyed success at Hearts and Dundee, where he has turned underachieving sides into efficient "best of the rest"contenders, instilling a coherent and enjoyable style of football and the capacity to trouble the bigger sides along the way.

If he could replicate this formula with the national side, then it could represent Scotland’s best hope of qualifying for Euro 2012. Davie Heaton THE FAILURE of Berti Vogts must not stop Scotland appointing another foreign boss. We need someone who has experience in taking teams to major championships. My preferred choice would be Lars Lagerback, the former Sweden manager. He has already said he would be interested and the SFA should be straight on the phone. Alternatively, they should be sounding out Leo Beenhakker. If he can take Trinidad and Tobago to a World Cup, he should have no trouble achieving the same with Scotland.

Martin Domin

WHAT A RACQUET: Agassi causing controversy in tennis “IMAGE IS everything” was the line used by Andre Agassi in a promotional campaign in the 1990s. A slogan astutely adhered to by Agassi throughout his career – one of only six men to win all four grand slam titles, Olympic gold medallist in Atlanta in 1996, former world number one and recipient of the ATP Arthur Ashe Humanitarian award in 1995 for his efforts to help disadvantaged youth. Or so the sporting world was led to believe. Agassi's admittance of the use of crystal meth in his autobiography has rattled the sporting world and cast serious doubt over the seemingly impeccable image carried throughout the American's career.

Unfortunately, the controversy only begins with this confession. Some may regard this as a bold move by Agassi; yet the undoubted dampening effect that it will have on his legacy may suggest otherwise. The real problem lies in how Agassi bypassed any repercussions for his actions - no suspension was issued. It was in 1997, coinciding with a distinct slump in form, that Agassi consumed the highly addictive Class A drug. His book, Open: An Autobiography was serialised in The Times before its release and featured this startling admission: "Slim is stressed too...he says, you want to get high with me? On what? Gack. What the hell’s gack? Crystal meth. Why do they call it gack? Because that’s the sound you make when you’re high... make you feel like Superman, dude.

“As if they’re coming out of someone else’s mouth, I hear these words: You

know what? F*** it. Yeah. Let’s get high.

“Slim dumps a small pile of powder on the coffee table. He cuts it, snorts it. He cuts it again. I snort some. I ease back on the couch and consider the Rubicon I’ve just crossed.

“There is a moment of regret, followed by vast sadness. Then comes a tidal wave of euphoria that sweeps away every negative thought in my head. I’ve never felt so alive, so hopeful – and I’ve never felt such energy.”

"Slim" was the name given to Agassi's assistant in the turbulent year of 1997. Agassi's reaction of having never felt "so alive" – more "alive" than after defeating Pete Sampras in the final of the Australian Open just two years previously, or Wimbledon in 1992 - is a fact that will forever live with his fans. Is this former top sportsman actually suggesting that the euphoria of winning a collection of the most prestigious prizes in world tennis and playing in front of more than 20,000 adoring fans is incomparable to the euphoria experienced by inhaling crystal meth?

Having inevitably failed a drug test, it is understood that he sent a letter to the governing body, the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals), a letter "full of lies, interwoven with the truth." Had the truth been revealed at the time, Agassi's problems would lie far beyond the ATP: the law would have been and may yet become his primary concern, such is the maximum five year prison sentence for possession of the drug in question. In shedding light on

the content of the letter, Agassi again, as the title of his autobiography suggests, provides a very "open" account.

“I say Slim, whom I’ve since fired, is a known drug user, and that he often spikes his sodas with meth – which is true. Then I come to the central lie of the letter. I say that recently I drank accidentally from one of Slim’s spiked sodas, unwittingly ingesting his drugs. I ask for understanding and leniency and hastily sign it: Sincerely.

“I feel ashamed, of course. I promise myself that this lie is the end of it. The ATP reviewed the case – and threw it out.”

So, the letter was sufficient to acquit Agassi wholly and completely of any further action. ATP policy meant the case never became public; if a player is cleared of a charge for whatever reason then his or her identity is not released.

This begs the question as to whether a letter from a fellow professional player perhaps ranked 100 in the world – lacking any prestige or charisma comparable to that of Agassi – would have felt a similar blanket of sympathy and acceptance.

Or was this, as is now being widely suggested, the ATP simply wanting this to be the truth in order to protect the integrity of the sport. A revelation of one of their finest athletes having experimented with Class A recreational drugs would hardly have instilled a sense of professionalism in the world of tennis.

The ease with which Agassi seemingly squirmed his way out of a ban raises a much higher issue still: the integrity of tennis. Is this common practice within the tennis circuit? Are the identities of drug-using players continually being withheld because they are innocent or because the long-

term effects on tennis would be too catastrophic to consider? A more recent player who tested positive was the highly talented 23-year-old Frenchman Richard Gasquet. After tests showed traces of cocaine, Gasquet was banned from the sport for twelve months. Yet following an appeal, he claimed to have consumed it via kissing a girl at a nightclub, and Gasquet's sentence was dropped to two months. Two months had already passed by the time the appeal had been heard and so no restraints prevented Gasquet from competing.

It is unclear just how disastrous Agassi's comments will be to tennis or to Agassi himself. His autobiography will in no way enhance his image. Perhaps the most merciless comment which may discourage many of his fans is the claim, “I play tennis for a living, even though I hate tennis, hate it with a dark and secret passion and always have.” He hates tennis. Andre Agassi hates tennis. So, does Agassi then truly warrant his titles and prize money post-1997? After his indulgence in Class A drugs and his deception of the governing body in tennis? One thing is certain: this revelation is one which will tarnish the professionalism of tennis for many years to come.

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Sport studentnewspaper.org Tuesday November 24 2009

Who should be the next Scotland manager?

23

The Student sport team debate who they think should be handed the poisoned chalice P

Edinburgh enjoy success on the slopes Charlotte Clarke looks back on two major events for Edinburgh's Snowsports club.

ON THE weekend of November 67, Midlothian Ski Centre at Hillend was brimming with skiers and boarders representing their university in the Scottish Universities Dryslope Competition. The competition included competitiors from Edinburgh, Napier, Aberdeen, Dundee and Strathclyde.

The contest began on the Saturday morning with racing events including giant slalom, individual slalom and team slaloms. The Edinburgh University team dominated with Dave Harrison winning the men’s giant slalom as well as the individual slalom while Nicola Oglivie came third in the women’s giant and individual slaloms. For the female boarders,

Holly Aird won the women's board giant slalom as well as the women’s dual slalom.

Strong performances were also given by the first race team who won the dual slalom and the board dual slalom team which came third.

The second half of the day was dominated by the freestyle events: Slopestyle and Big Air. The standards of these events are ever-increasing and the competition this year was no exception. Once again, Edinburgh showed their capability with Mark Ratnage earning a place in the finals of Big Air as well as in the Slopestyle.

As for the female skiers, Charlotte Clarke took first place in both freestyle events.

These results lead to the Edinburgh teams being awarded first place overall in the Scottish Universities Championships followed by Napier.

The following weekend saw Edinburgh overrun with universities from all over the UK. The weekend of the British Universities Dryslope championships is always an exciting one and a chance to see the best talent from all over the United Kingdom.

This year was no exception as events kicked off on the Friday with early morning racing and freestyle events in the afternoon.

Despite the tough competition, Edinburgh’s boarder dual team put in a strong performance and was rewarded with a place in the quar-

terfinals. On the ski side, a brilliant performance from James Filsell, Ross Bannon and Dave Harrison saw them all qualifying in the top 30.

Dave Harrison managed to top the slalom standings after the first run but his second run failed to match the dominant Newcastle team and he finished a respectable fifth.

As far as the female racers go, Laura Swayne made it through to the second round, but failed to complete her second run.

The Slopestyle competition involved a course of jumping a kicker with the most technical trick of your ability and proceeding to hit boxes and rails of different shapes. The competition was higher than ever and

THE HIGH LIFE: Mark Ratnage in action during the Scottish Universities Dryslope Competition earlier this month

despite Edinburgh's best efforts only Charlotte Clarke managed to gain a place in the finals and came second on the podium overall.

Saturday brought with it the second day of action and Dave Harrison earned second place, having held the lead for most of the race. The dual slalom team showed a great effort, with the first team having a superb round to finish third. In the afternoon the crowd congregated around the kicker where the Big Air kicked off. Charlotte Clarke again earned a place in the finals and eventually finished third on the podium.