BE YOUR REAL SELF

Stephen Truelove is a Mindset Coach and Emotional Support Therapist with over 20 years experience, co-author of The Therapy of Cooking with Cardiff restaurateur Giovanni Malacrino and author of A Journey of Discovery and Self-Learning. Having experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows of life, Stephen developed the Love Life Love You process, Breaking Limitations, and now helps people tackle anxiety, depression and other obstacles to become the best possible version of themselves.

Be your real self, Find real friends, Make a real difference

Sigmund Freud defined the two greatest human needs as Love and Work – in other words, good relationships with others and using your talents to make a difference. Both involve not just knowing who you really are, but feeling good about who you really are – i.e. self-esteem.

FINDING THE REAL YOU Self-esteem is not who we are, but how we feel about who we are, which may be based on false ideas buried deep in our subconscious. Self-esteem affects decision-making, relationships, emotional health and overall wellbeing. It also influences motivation, as people with a positive view of themselves and their own potential feel more inspired to take on new challenges.

SELF-ESTEEM IS INFLUENCED BY MANY FACTORS • How other people react to you • Experiences at home, school, work and in the community • Messages given out by the media. But your own thoughts are the biggest influence on your self-esteem, and they are within your control. If you tend to focus on your weaknesses or flaws, working on changing that can help you develop a more balanced view of yourself. “Just believe in yourself and all things are possible”. If trite comments like that were true, we could all fly around the treetops without finishing up in plaster or worse. Nevertheless, believing in and accepting yourself for who you are is an important factor in success, relationships, and happiness. Healthy self-esteem guides us towards accepting reality, understanding why we fail, problemsolving instead of feeling sorry for ourselves or giving up.

LET GO OF LIMITING BELIEFS TO BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF Most of us are held back by limiting beliefs – untrue thoughts we have about ourselves. By learning to recognise and let go of these, you can find the person you really are. Understanding what may be causing these thoughts will help you work out how to move past them. Some limitations are real – accept them with grace. Some are self-imposed – dig them out and get rid of them Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses. No one is perfect, but recognising your accomplishments and learning from your mistakes will help you to maintain a positive outlook and an honest and realistic image of yourself. Discover your best strengths and how to use them to help others and you’ll be on your way to being a happier, more fulfilled person.

Self-esteem is not about blowing your own trumpet. It's about learning to like and respect yourself, faults and all. When you value yourself and have good selfesteem, you feel secure and worthwhile. You have generally positive relationships and feel confident about your abilities. You’re more resilient and better able to weather stress and setbacks, more open to learning and feedback, helping you to you master new skills. Write down one thing you really like about yourself. Write down a happy memory, or a happy time you would like to have. Re-program your inner self to work with you, not against you. Only you can change the programming laid down by experience, parents, teachers, peers. A good therapist will help you find your own way, not try to send you their way. But only if you truly want to change. TRAIN YOURSELF TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD THINGS Do a bit of digging to identify your talents and strengths and think more positively about your own self-worth. Set yourself a goal, something plain and achievable, and just do it. It will make you feel good and you’ll be more likely to get other things done. We all have strong and weak points. We all fail sometimes, but it doesn’t make us failures. Work out what areas you can improve in and don’t be afraid to ask for help. RELATIONSHIPS To build self-esteem and grow as a person, we need both appreciation from others and inner self-respect. We all belong to various groups – family, friends, school or work, sports or other hobby groups, etc. And we define ourselves by the relationships and experiences we have in them: feeling part of a group; sharing and

communicating with others; feeling understood; knowing there are people who are like us and who like us. If we feel secure within our family, if we feel loved and our needs are met, we’re ready to try new things and take our place in the world. When we first try to walk, we fall down a lot. But with encouragement and kindness, we try again. Gradually we develop the confidence to acknowledge our mistakes and be ready to learn, comfortable giving and receiving compliments, able to laugh at ourselves and be kind to others. Finally, we achieve real harmony between what we say and what we do and thus become our true selves. BLAME AND GUILT ARE A WASTE OF TIME Letting go of past resentments and failures helps us to move forward. It’s easier to be nice when you feel good about others. And it’s easier to feel good about others if you feel good about yourself. DEVELOP REAL TRUST Is there anything you’re ashamed of or afraid your friends might come to know about? How would you feel if your best friend told you something similar? Why do you not trust them ''Beauty begins the as much as you know they could trust you? Do you think they *would* trust moment you decide you? It is hard to rely on anyone else’s love and trust if you know that to be yourself''. the person they think you are is not the whole story. Experiment with a – Coco Chanel. small secret you aren’t too worried about and see how people react. Or talk to a professional who is bound by confidentiality and work out what is blocking you. Listen to what other people have to say and try to understand their feelings and needs. Try to treat everyone, including yourself, with kindness and respect. Even if you disagree, be honest without being hostile or hurtful. Apologise when you’re wrong and learn from

experience rather than blaming yourself or others – they’ll be more likely to try to understand your point of view too. Respect other people's time. Be punctual, put your phone away and give them your attention. Learn to give and to receive genuine compliments. And always keep your promises: if you say you’re going to do something, do it or explain at once if a serious problem has cropped up to prevent you.

WHAT IS REAL LOVE? Think of someone you really loved as a child, a grandparent perhaps, and ask yourself why you loved them so much. Was it because they wore trendy clothes and had the slimmest hips or the biggest biceps? Or did you love them for themselves, because they were kind and generous with themselves and their time and they loved you? Did you stop loving them when you got to the age when everything seems skin deep and no one will love you if you have even one pimple, let alone half a dozen? Did you ever stop loving them? Or did you go on loving them, or their memory, long after that long forgotten boy or girl you thought you couldn’t live without at the time?

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO Divorce or widowhood after decades together is truly terrible and deserves an article all of its own. But for a young person with no previous experience, getting jilted can be devastating. You may feel worthless, unloved, unlovable, as if life is at an end, and it may be many months before you start to look around again and realise that just because you weren’t Mr/s Right for that particular person doesn’t mean you won’t find happiness with someone else. As always, childhood experiences affect how well or badly we take this kind of event. The first time is always the worst because we have invested so much and because we don’t yet realise that in time we will recover. Not only recover, but become stronger and happier as we gradually learn that finding real love is not about looks or brains or money or posh clothes: top of every survey as the most important quality in a life partner as well as in a friend is Kindness.

GIVE SOMETHING BACK Just pay attention to what goes on around you and think about what you see. One chap I know took to walking on the beach, then to picking up the plastic litter endangering the wildlife there, then decided his current successful career was not fulfilling enough and started a degree in marine biology so as to make an even bigger difference.

I did much the same myself: after two decades sorting myself out and studying hard to understand how to make others feel better too, I finally took the plunge, left a successful career as an aviation engineer and became a full-time therapist. Who goes home feeling better about themselves? The person who dumped the litter? The person who did nothing because it wasn’t them that dropped it? Or the person who left the beach in a better state for everyone, sea creatures and humans alike?

FIND A HOBBY OR TRY VOLUNTEERING Doing something useful outside of work – even a local litter pick – will broaden your horizons and your selfesteem and bring you into contact with new people.Think about what you most enjoy doing. Reading? Walking? Singing? Dancing? Watching the rugby, old films, the birds in the garden? Find activities with people who like the same things as you, who bring out the best in you, and try to do the same for them.

Volunteering costs nothing but your time and is one way to become the best version of yourself no matter who you are. Whether you have a specific skill to offer or just your time and/or your company, doing some good in the community will make you and those around you feel good.

A man walking along the beach came upon thousands of starfish stranded and dying in the sun. Among them was a child, picking them up one by one and returning them to the sea. “There are thousands of them as far as the eye can see,” said the man. “What difference can you possibly make?” “All the difference in the world to this one,” replied the child, gently returning one more starfish to the sea.

© Stephen Truelove 2021 Love Life Love You Steve is available to work online and at various locations. Please visit www.lovelifeloveyou.co.uk Tel: 07790003075 Email: info@lovelifeloveyou.co.uk Registered with the GHR, CNHC and DBS.

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