How I Explain the Pandemic to My Past Self By Caroline Torres
*Doorbell rings*Why am I always having visitors when I just want to be left alone? ME: *Grunts* I’ll be there in a minnnnuuuutttteee… *opens the door* FUTURE ME: Hello! I have this urgent message for you from the future. You need to spend as much time with your friends as you can right now, you won’t regret it in 2020. ME: mhmmm, Hey! can you leave? FUTURE ME: No, no, Listen! Something really bad is going to hit the world! Like it’s going to be so bad, that people are going to be fighting over toilet paper! ME: Zombie Apocalypse! Oh No! The Walking Dead!!! FUTURE ME: *Tries not to laugh* Ummmm… not really, but that’s not as far-fetched as you may think. Have you by any chance seen the 2016 Australian film called Cooped Up? ME: *yawns* Look, I have things I need to do, I’m busy. I’ll watch your so-called Aussie film as soon as you leave. FUTURE ME: Okay, okay, absolutely! Just a quick question, what day is today? ME: December 31st, 2019. It’s New Year’s Eve, I’m going with my friends to celebrate, and we’ll be travelling together this coming week. I’m busy packing and… FUTURE ME: No, Travelling! That’s not a good idea. You’ll get exposed to too many people. ME: Exposed? What? What’s wrong with you? *points* What’s with the mask? FUTURE ME: Where are you going to travel? ME: Uhhhh… Japan? I have some family there I want to see. FUTURE ME: Cancel it! You know what? Just cancel ALL of your travel plans for 2020. Just do it. You don’t understand what I’m saying now, but you will later, just cancel. ME: No! Never! I’m supposed to go to Cameroon for an internship in the summer of 2020. You think I’m going to cancel that?! Absolutely not! Especially under the advice of… who are you again? FUTURE ME: *sighs* You don’t get it, do you?! I’m from January 2021, I’ve lived through 2020, I know what is going to happen, why don’t you just listen to me? ME: Okayyyy...? FUTURE ME: Stay home. Keep your immune system strong. ME: Is there going to be some disease going around? Like, as if I’m not already taking care of myself? Am I going to get sick or something? FUTURE ME: Uh… Let’s just say, you’ll survive; but many other people won’t be as fortunate. Let’s play a game. I’ll say a word, you tell me what comes to mind. ME: *is annoyed* Fiiiiiine... If it’ll make you leave sooner. FUTURE ME: Corona ME: Oh! Isn’t that a type of beer? FUTURE ME: Flattening the Curve ME: Uhhhhh, people trying to prove the earth is flat? FUTURE ME: Social-distancing ME: A safe haven for introverts like me!
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