The Spiral Life (Novel) Copyrights are reserved for the author– Abbas Ali Mahmood Elictronic First edition–2014 All rights are reserved. No part of this book should be published, reduced for retrieval, copied in any method: electronic, mechanical, photography, recording or otherwise without the prior and written consent of the author.
Other Publications of the Author: 1. Islamic Strategy 2. Your Career Path - Develop your Business Portfolio
Translated By: Dr. Hassan Ahmed Al Lawati
Contact the Author 00968 9538 5151 (WhatsApp)
Contents About the Author Prologue Lost Tough Situations Story of Life Perpetual Spiral of Life Love Makes Miracles
About the Author A holder of a range of fellowships, academic and
world
"Certified
professional
Public
qualifications
Accountant"
(CPA)
such
from
as
USA,
"Certified Management Consultant” (CMC) from UK, "Chartered Manager” (CMgr) from UK and "Certified Fraud Examiner" (CFE) from USA. He is a Fellow of the
“Institute
professional
of
Consulting”
member
of
(IC)
the
-
UK,
“Institute
a of
Management Consultancy” (IMC) – USA and a Fellow member of the “Chartered Management Institute”
(CMI)
-
UK.
Abbas
holds
two
B.A.
degrees, one in Accounting and the other in Economy, in addition to "postgraduate diploma degree in Business Administration" from Heriot Watt University, UK. One authorised
of
a
by
few
thousand
globally
the
“International
who
Council
is of
Management Consulting Institutes” (ICMCI), a UN sanctioned non-government organisation to practice as a Management Consultant. Awarded the title of "Fellow" in management consultancy i.e. the highest level of professional membership, and is awarded to those who can demonstrate evidence of significant contribution to
4
About the Author
the management consultancy profession. This status is awarded to less than a thousand management consultant around the world until 2009. Over
20
Management,
years’
experience
Leadership,
Risk
in
Strategic
Management,
Change Management, Organizational Development, Business Processes, Audit, Finance, Accounting, Budgets and Plans, Business Development, and Human Resources Development in challenging and senior executive level positions within renowned professional firms and large and multidisciplinary organizations. Studied Islamic doctrines and creed in Iran for 6 years.
5
About the Author
Prologue I am not a scholar in religion, nor am I specialized in the Islamic doctrines. I am not a novelist or an author. I do not claim any of these titles. I am just an ordinary person who sails in this life with his small family, in pursuit of a good life, security, truth and Allah’s blessing. Life faces me, like
anyone
else,
with
all
of
its
might
and
complexities, as if meaning to challenge him, and yet I do not panic or retreat, but go forward defending my survival, dignity, and values. My armor is patience, will, and contemplation. I find help in what my humble understanding can reach in the wonderful values, concepts, and techniques of Islam that are embedded in the Islamic texts and embodied in our Islamic doctrines. At times I was thrilled by victory, and other times I sipped through bitterness of defeat. I occasionally outdid myself, and often felt powerless, but each time I felt weak, I sensed the divine hand extending towards me. In all this, I wondered at the pressing mysteries and dilemmas of life, existence and universe. But while I was challenged by these mysteries, I started seeing through them one by one and integrating the jigsaw pieces for the bigger fascinating picture of the creation by the divine hand.
6
Prologue
This novel is allegorical because the concepts and techniques in it are real. I have tried and practiced them myself time after time in situations even tougher than that of the protagonist of this novel. These concepts and techniques enabled me to enjoy happiness and peace of mind in a life in which, it seemed, the stronger you prove to be, the rougher and harsher it becomes. Many were the questions about life and the existence that disturbed me. I am sure they disturb many others around me, but we avoid them in a way we avoid many things in life. I chose to face these questions since my childhood and I chose not to believe in anything just because I am told. When I believed in Allah and recognized his beauty and might, as much as my limited mind allows, I realized how big the secrets and facts in the universe are. 1- Does God (Allah) really exist? Or is his merely fiction? Why must there be a creator? Why can’t the creator have a creator? Can there be a cocreator? How do we know that Allah is generous and honest in his promises to us? How do we know that He has all the attributes of perfection as described by Him? What is Allah? Will we be able one day to see Him? 2- Does Allah really love us and have mercy on us? Why then, did He create ailments and diseases? Why does He allow people to starve and die of
7
Prologue
sickness? Why did He create the criminals, germs and beasts? Why did He make some of us smarter and wealthier while others are poor, sick or less smart? Why did He not create us directly in the heavens instead of on Earth where we suffer torments, err and then are subject to His wrath? 3- Why did Allah create us? What does He want from us in this life? Is it to reconstruct Earth? But then why? Does He need us to reconstruct Earth? Is Earth more important than humans? Why did He create Earth in the first place? Did He create us to worship Him? But why? He does not need our worship; it does not add anything to Him. 4- Is death indignating and torment? How could it not be; we hear that those who die suffer the severest of torment, right from the moment of dying to the compression in the grave and the torture in Al Barzakh (1) by ‘Monker and Nakeer (2)’, and ending up in hell. But, do they not say that death is the ascension to Allah? How, then, 1 ‘Al Barzakh’ is an Arabic word meaning an isthmus or separation and in Islamic literature it denotes the intermediate life between this life and the final life. It begins with death and ends with resurrection at the judgment day. (Translator) 2 Monker and Nakeer are the names in the Islamic literature of the two angels who would undertake the initial questioning of people right after death. (Translator)
8
Prologue
could the ascension to Allah be torture and misery? 5- Why would he torture us in hell? What would he lose if we committed few sins without meaning to challenge His authority? We did it only out of our whims of lust, weakness, and ignorance. Why are we punished for short-lasting sins like listening to songs for long periods of times that is millions of time out of proportion to our sins? Do we not consider unjust to burn someone cursing us? Why, then, do we consider the burning of cursers in hell as a just punishment? Is it because it came from Allah? Is it because He is stronger than us? 6- Why did Allah insist that we pray to Him and ask Him our needs? If He already knows my desires and needs, and He can fulfill them, then why would He make it a condition that we pray to Him? Does He need the prayers? 7- Did Allah not create us to worship Him? Why, then, he allowed Satan to seduce us, exploiting our lusts and weaknesses resulting in afterlife misery? Why did Allah answer the request of Satan to live long enough to seduce us? Is it because Satan provoked Him, highly exalted be He above this. Or is it that Allah hates us? Is this
not
a
great
injustice?
Is
this
not
contradicting the purpose of creation to begin with?
9
Prologue
All these questions and many more, are what this novel tries to deal with in a simple, but realistic way. I have tried to make the allegory suitable for the public taste and human instincts. I have certainly attempted to abide by the religious texts as well as the life around us. Hopefully this makes the narrative vibrant and resonant with happiness.
10
Prologue
Chapter One
Lost
Lost July 1996 Muttrah, Sultanate of Oman With all the grief in my heart, gripping my chest, seizing my entire being, my feet barely carried me. I was frustrated like never before, my feelings painted everything around me with dark colors. The skies over me roared in violence, dark clouds overshadowed the sun with gloom and sorrow, rain poured in heavily. I was walking on the seaside street known as ‘Corniche’ to no particular destination. My tears were burning hot, mixing with cold rain drops. My body shivered in chills in this cold air, or perhaps it was my helplessness. Memories passed slow and bitter in my mind, uprooting the remains of peace in my depths. Questions were storming me, throwing me in the hell of doubt. “Why me?” I wondered “Why fate insists to fight me? I am not asking for much. Why should I be deprived of the little that everyone else has? I work harder than others. Why? I lived poor, yet I never complained. Instead, I studied
12
well
and
replaced
my
poverty
with
Lost
excellence in school. Father always told me that our poverty is a blessing of Allah, as it keeps us pushing in life to excel and get rewarded on afterlife; whereas, the rich don’t have this motivation. Where are you father? I need you so much. I miss you so much. Why did you leave me? With whom have you left me? I had this fate. How horrible
it
is
turning
moments
of
peace
and
happiness to a calamity! How harsh it could be! Woe to it. I do not want to be an unbeliever, but I can’t take it anymore. Why God? Why? My father told me you love us and you created us to make us happier and that you reward those who thank you with good and abundance. Why then make me miserable when you know that I love you? I was regular on prayers. I prayed with all my heart. I trust you without limits. You were good with me and kept on telling me you will support me. I never forgot your support of me during all the hardships in my life. So why give up on me now? What did I do to deserve the punishment? You know well I do not disobey you on purpose. Could it be that you were angry at me because I had moments of weakness and was listening to the songs in private? I swear to you I did not do it in disregard to you, but only because of my frail will, and I was repenting every time. Is it possible that you are avenging me for my disobedience? But you are not like that. You love us and know how weak we are; that’s what my father
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Lost
kept telling me. Was my dad wrong? O’ God, what is happening
to
me?
I
started
to
become
an
unbeliever. I can’t go on thinking. Father,
where
are
you?
I
loved
your
passionate, warm smile. I loved your inspiring, encouraging looks. I loved your hand caressing my head with love. I loved talking and playing with you. You were my friend, my idol, and you inspired my strength. Looking at you, I used to find my bearings and felt like owning the whole world. I never imagined one day you would leave me. I never thought I could survive without you. But you let me down O’ father. But no, you didn’t; you were made to leave me– it is the fate. You left me alone when I was in most need of you, in my high school year, the pivotal year that would determine my future and fate. Why father? Why? Father, remember when one day you came into the house with an elegant table as a gift for me being promoted to the high school. It was the first piece of new furniture we had at home, which made the day of everyone. Despite being small, it occupied a lot of space, but everyone was happy as it made studying easier for me in that critical year. The goal was clear– I should attain the first rank in Oman. A call of alert was declared at home–everyone was set to serve me and work for my ease. My younger twin sisters, born after a long time of
14
Lost
waiting, stopped bugging me and understood the situation despite their young age. My grandmother never stopped praying for me. My mother made me her sole and highest priority. Everything was so wonderful for one month–a month of happiness like never before. But it was only a month. Happy things don’t last. On that gloomy day fate declared war against me, a reckless driver took everything from me. My dad was dead, and with him, all my dreams were over. It was an unbearable pain and sorrow. A feeling of loneliness mixed with fear. My father was gone. I wished I had gone with him. In my life, I never wanted anything other than him. I wish I could understand this cruel life. Oh God, I am so lost. Days went by slowly and bitterly as if taking delight in my torment, increasing my sorrow and depression. I was helpless and gave in. I lost my desire for life and wished death; the death that I hated for taking away my father. It wasn’t getting used to pain that made me come back to life. I mustered the remnants of strength from the depths of my heart. I had another nightmare to consider– my mother; she was mourning my father silently. I had to take care of my family, for whom I felt obliged to provide. I went back to school after several weeks of absence. I tried catching up with whatever I missed during that time. I had to make my late father
15
Lost
proud of me. That seemed impossible initially. I started taking the role of my father providing comfort for my family. But I was trapped in deep sorrow every now and then, and had lapses of control over my feelings. I was able to recompose myself, or whatever pieces left of me to be precise. The days of final exams came and I was prepared for them. But the target was to get a grade entitling me for admission in Sultan Qaboos University–the best university in the country, or at least in one of the governmental technical colleges. I was all set and felt confident even without my father beside me. I felt that Allah would never let me down. My father told me time and again that Allah gives more of his blessings to those who thank him. He told me Allah never disappoints those who seek His help and believe in Him. No doubt I was one of them. I prayed, trusted and loved Him. I even loved Him more than I loved my father. He is my God. He can’t let me down, not when I made such huge efforts and showed a supreme will. I appeared for the exams, one by one, and did well, probably great, till the last one–math. I don’t know what happened to me on that day. I dipped back in intense grief and lost my grip; my eyes welled in tears and I couldn’t focus on the exam. I prayed to Allah to help me calm down. I tried my best. Minutes passed slowly till the end of the exam. I walked out not knowing how I did, but I kept my
16
Lost
faith in God. He surely knew that I was the hope for my family after my father is gone. He knew there was no way I could provide for my small family unless I got in to college. He would never abandon me, if not for my sake, probably because I listened to songs sometimes, then at least for the sake of my believing and faithful family. I wish I did not trust Him. O’ God forgive me. But had I not raised my hopes, I would not have exhausted myself in vain. I wish I knew why? Why God? I only needed a few more marks to get into the college, just a few more. It is easy O’ God, so why didn’t you help me? I was asking but for a little. Why were you doing this to me? Why? I couldn’t understand you. Why give me up when I most need you and what I was asking was so easy to you? Did you not create us? Are you not in charge of us? Are you not the absolute almighty? Did you not say in the Quran ‘Call upon Me, I will answer you?’ Well, I called upon you so many times, so where was your answer? Do you really love us? were you hearing me? Do you even care? Will you help me? Are you really there or are you just an illusion in my mind? If you were there, how could I know you are capable of everything? And that you were up to your word? And that you love us? Indeed, if you were perfect, then why create us? Is it to make us happy as they keep saying? How could I have believed that when you abandoned me and didn’t even help me get the grade to get in to
17
Lost
college despite my love for you since childhood, and despite my faith and prayers? Rain became heavier and the skies got darker. Thunder drummed louder roaring in anger of what I was thinking.
Were my thoughts that of the
unbeliever? Were you angry at me? I love you and have no one but you. O’ God, if you leave me I shall perish. Please help me. I am lost and helpless. My feet led me to ‘Riyam Park’, the place I used to play soccer with my father. I laid down on the grass exhausted and surrendered to fate. I closed my eyes and went in to deep sleep. I woke up to the sound of my mother’s weeping as she embraced me in horror. “Mom? What are you doing here in this weather? You will get sick?” “Come on son. Let’s go home.” And she burst to tears. I embraced my mother holding her hand and walked with her toward home. At that moment, all I thought of was my poor mother, who had a lot more to worry about than me. She had to keep her bearings for the sake of the family. The road back from Riyam Park to our home at ‘Sur Al Lawatia (3)’ was long and scary in this 3 Sur Al Lawatia is a residential area near the Corniche street in Muttrah city. It used to be the stronghold of Al Lawatia tribe before they scatter over the
18
Lost
stormy weather. I even felt we could be blown off by the wind or dragged by the high tide. I felt sorrier when I saw my grandmother and my two sisters waiting on the doorstep praying and crying of fear. It was warm in the house and a few minutes later, I changed my clothes. I had a quick look at my
mother,
dumped
myself
over
my
cotton
mattress, covered myself with the blanket and went into a deep sleep. I woke up feeling feverish and hot. I was exhausted and sick after the cold rain shower earlier. I felt better when I knew my mother was fine. I guess my sickness was a sort of punishment for my stupid behavior yesterday when I ran outside feeling I could outrun my destiny leaving my mother and family. The real punishment was not in my sickness, but that my mother had to bring in a doctor to the home to have a look at me. This cost us more and we had to buy the medicines also. At that point, I vowed not to lose control over myself ever again. Losing control meant more suffering for my family, and they had enough already.
#####
rest of the capital area in the 1980s. It is still inhabited by some elderly people (around 60 houses of the total 240 houses in the place). It remains a rendezvous for many social and religious functions of the tribe.
19
Lost
Days
went
by
and
I
fought
the
fever.
Gradually, I felt better and my mood became clearer. One day I woke up and found my mother sewing the ‘Kumma (4)’ to pay for our increasing financial
demands.
I
thought
of
my
family’s
situation and of the available options. The 229 riyal (5) pension salary for my late father was barely enough. Luckily, the installments of the car were taken over by the insurance company after the death of my father, and the rent for our small house in Sur Al Lawatia was inexpensive, but even with that, the pension salary was hardly enough for us to eat, especially with the growing cost of living. I don’t know, maybe this was why Allah did not help me to get into the college. Maybe I had to work to take some burden off my mom’s shoulders and help provide for my sisters, but who would hire a high school graduate? And for what salary? Maybe I should look for a sales representative post in one of the departmental stores. “Mom. I will go out looking for a job.” “Good morning, sweetheart,” she said with a sweet and warm smile.”Don’t worry about that right now. Allah will work it out for us, and you will
4 Kumma is a hat made of fabric and is part of the local Omani customs. Its sewing takes around a month and is sold for around 100 USD.
5 Around 600 USD
20
Lost
complete your college and become the best doctor in the world.” A bitter smile mixed with sadness imprinted on my face. It was the wish of the whole family that I become a renowned doctor. But these were only dreams. Fate hated me and countered me. I had no strength to fight the circumstances. I had to be realistic and leave these sweet dreams for the wealthy ones. “Mom. Do you still trust in Allah after all that He did to us?” I asked. “I ask forgiveness of Allah. Dear son, please do not say that. Allah did only good to us,” she said. “I wish I had your faith, mom. How do you keep your faith?” “Sweetheart, your father did not die. He only waits for us in the world of Al Barzakh. We shall meet him there one day. It is a world of no pain where we are guests of Allah and He shall be generous to us.” “If Allah is so generous, then why does He not be generous right not? Why does He torture us in this world?” This must have provoked my mother. Her tone became louder as she decisively replied, “Allah does not torture us. He is not unkind. Don’t ever say that again. I can’t bear hearing this nonsense about
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Lost
Allah. Sweetheart, listen well. Allah was able not to create me, but He did, and He does not want anything from me. He gave me you and your sisters, and your grandma, and your dad. When your dad went to paradise, I knew there is something awaiting us, and we shall all go there and be together. But for now, and until we meet Allah, it is enough to be happy with you. I love Allah because He loves us back and bestows His graces on us even if we do not know how. Allah says in the Quran ‘and it maybe that you dislike a thing while it is good for you, and it maybe that you love a thing while it is evil for you, and Allah knows, while you do not know.’ The zealous answer of my mother and her defense and trust of Allah were inspirational. Is it the faith of the elderly? I wish I had it, but my mother was not elderly. She was just sixteen years older than me. She was in her mid-thirties. While it was true that she did not complete her college, she remained
well-read,
although
after
my
father
passed she kept her readings to the Quran and prayers. Anyway, this was one of the rare occasions I saw my mother so intense. “I am sorry, mom. I didn’t mean to offend you,” I apologized while I kissed her blessed hand tenderly. “I am sorry, sweetheart, for my impulse. Why don’t you discuss this matter with your uncle Issa?
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Lost
He used to be a student in the religious school long ago.” She returned to her calm voice. “I will go to him right now. I need to talk to him about a job also,” I said. She hesitated to allow me out as I wasn’t fully recovered, but she was also concerned about the bad ideas I had about God, so she let me go. I changed and set out right to my uncle’s office. I wasn’t sure he would be there or if he had time to see me, but I had to try. Our phone line was disconnected two months after my father’s death for unpaid dues, so I could not call him to set an appointment. Anyway, I was prepared to wait for hours if I had to in order to see him. It just couldn’t wait. My uncle is a wonderful person, full of passion and good. He worked as a Human Resources Director in one of the oil companies. He was educated and smart. He conversed well with others and was a religious person. His personality inspired peace and comfort. He was the closest of my uncles to me, perhaps because he was the youngest one (he was two years younger than my mother) or perhaps because of his style with people. #####
Like any other summer day in the Arabian Peninsula, it was a hot sunny day. You would not
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Lost
believe that it was raining cats and dogs just a few days ago. Fifteen minutes of walk and I was knocking on the door of my uncle’s office. He was on his way out. I apologized for showing up without an appointment, but he was happy to see me. “I can spare 10 minutes for a cup of tea while you tell me about this pleasant visit. Then I will leave you for an hour till the lunch break. We can go out for lunch.What do you think?” “Sounds great.” “I will put on the tea, while you talk.” “Uncle… I don’t even know how to start, but I have a problem. Please hear me out and advise me, but don’t be mad at me.” “Sure. Go on.” “You know all the problems we have been through lately. My father died, we have financial issues and I had a grade that was 1% less than needed to get into the college.” “I know dear,” he said it in a low and sad voice. “Right now, I have to look for a job. I have to take off some of mother’s burden. I need you to help me in this.” “Sure, but tell me; don’t you want to finish your college first?”
24
Lost
“Of course I do, but these dreams are not for the poor ones. Fate hates me,” I said calmly but sadly. My eyes welled in tears. I planned to hold my gloomy feelings back, but I couldn’t. My uncle got up from his chair, sat next to me and held my hand. “This is my second problem. I have lost faith in Allah. I know this is sort of blasphemy, God forbid, but it is out of my hand, and I can’t think away the doubt. I do believe in Allah and I am a Muslim, but I can’t settle in my mind that Allah is there and that He loves us, is not unjust with us, and that He is omnipotent.” I spat it all out. “You feel Allah abandoned you when your father passed away and because you couldn’t get enough grades to get into college despite your hard work.” He was trying to put things into perspective. “We never stopped praying, but He did not help us. He let me down. He let my whole family down despite we all love Him so much. If He were there, or if He had the goodness of any ordinary human, He wouldn’t abandon us after our faith and trust in Him.” “What if I proved to you the contrary; that your prayers were answered and you were stopped from committing a big mistake you would have made if you had the grades to enroll in the college? And He had done so knowing that you will be happy
25
Lost
and thankful if He let you on the wrong path and feeling disavowed if He acted in your best interest. Maybe this is by itself a lesson to learn.” “I don’t quite understand.” “That’s because I didn’t explain yet. Listen, I have to leave now, but I will be back in an hour. I will explain to you how Allah actually protected you and answered your prayers and paved the way for you to complete college for a brighter future when He didn’t allow you to get the required grades for the scholarship.” “This doesn’t make any sense. Anyway, you go now and I will wait.” “Feel at home here; nobody will disturb you. You can pray over there as it is time for noon prayer. Call auntie Safia, your mother’s neighbor, so she can tell her that you will stay with me till Maghreb prayer. And when you finish prayer, use this computer to search the internet for ‘Career path planning’. See you later.” “Ok.” He left the office, but his words stayed with me and were like a fine thread of light in my dark situation. Is he right in what he said? Was I hasty in my judgment of Allah? “Forgive me God. Are you angry of me now? I love you despite of what I say and feel. I am lost. Please God, if you love me, then make me understand and don’t leave me in my
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Lost
confusion. After that do whatever you want with me. I need you; will you abandon me while I pray for you?” Once more, my eyes welled in tears, only this time I let it go. I found my hand extending towards the office of my uncle to grab the copy of Quran on it. I opened it to a random page and read inside. A deep chill struck me when I read the verse ‘and (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most certainly guide them in our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good’. I couldn’t contain myself and started weeping loud, but this time in gratitude and appreciation, albeit still not understanding how. I prayed and called our neighbor Safia. I was in no mood to search the internet, so I laid down on the comfy couch in the office and shut my eyes to rest. I woke up when my uncle’s hand touched my shoulder. “Seems you are still tired and ill. Want me to take you home and postpone the lunch for later?” “Not a chance; not after I found hope. I am fine, and by the way, how is Tamer?” Tamer was his nine-year-old son. “He also mentions you a lot. He likes playing soccer in the ‘Nintendo (6)’ with you. By the way, I
6 An electronic game before the days of PlayStation.
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took the rest of the day off so we can enjoy like the good old days.” We left the office and got into his car. I was waiting for him to start talking. After few minutes of silence, he finally spoke. “Tell me, if you had passengers you want to take from one place to another, would you use a luxury BMW car or a minibus?” “A BMW.” I answered. “And your answer is incorrect. If the number of passengers is more than four, you will have to divide them over two trips and in this case a minibus would be a lot better than the BMW. If, however, their number is less than four, then the BMW is the right choice. Isn’t that right?” “Indeed it is. I didn’t think of the number of passengers.” “And you would have made the same mistake if you were to be admitted to the Sultan Qaboos University or any other college. Allah protected you and made you get a slightly less grade that keeps you from this mistake. Perhaps the slight difference in grade denotes his care of you and to make you wonder about the reason, as you actually did.” “I fail to see how my admission to the college could be a mistake when I want to be in college!”
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“Let’s say you got into the college. In a few months your sisters will get into the school and the living costs would rise. It is possible that your mother will get tired of sewing Kummah. You and your mother absolutely refuse our help. Tell me how you would continue your college without enough income for your family’s daily life.” I pondered his words for moments. “So what is the solution?” “The minibus.” “Meaning?” “Means you work at a day job to add to the income and to get some experience to help you succeed in your career. In the evening you can study at a private college, which will cost you part of your salary.” “Sounds reasonable.” “But it is difficult to work and study at the same time.” “No doubt it is, but I am not worried about that. I don’t know how I missed this solution.” “Because we are used to do what others do and we don’t plan for our lives individually. Anyway, if you liked this solution, then I have some advice for your career. We will discuss that at home.” I spent a good time at my uncle’s house. We had lunch in a cozy ambience and then I continued
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my talk with my uncle. We discussed my career target. My plan involved relations
job
and
working
preparing
a
in a public professional
qualification in management accounting like CME. This was expected to last for about a year, after which I would look for a job in accounting with a bigger salary. At the same time, I would start the college studies in the evening time by my own funding. If things went as planned, in five years from now I would have a degree and five years experience, four of which in accounting. I would also have an international fellowship in management accounting from the States. This meant I would be far better off than my colleagues who went to the college right after the high school. #####
I felt very happy that night, coiled in my bed and covered by a heavy blanket. It was a small room and the air conditioning unit was right in front of me. My grandma and my twin sisters were asleep, whereas my mother, as usual, was praying with devotion, crying silently. I have never felt that comfortable since the death of my father. The last few weeks were like being in a boat in a thunderous storm, tossed by high surf. But now I felt as if the storm had thrown me on a beautiful island where I found a treasure I had never dreamt of—solution for our financial
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problems, a bright future and a faith I had almost lost in Allah. The fact that I had been through this tempestl haunted me and muddied my happiness. I didn’t want to undergo the same situation of loss of faith again, so I agreed with uncle Issa to see him after the Friday prayer for a longer talk to reexamine the foundations of my faith. #####
It was one of the hottest days in summer. We walked to uncle Issa’s luxurious car. I was trying to arrange my thoughts and questions in my mind. The car had leather seats, although a sign of luxury in cars, it had an adverse effect of being very hot in summer. “Sorry, I forgot to cover the screen.” “No problem.” “You seem to accept the fact that the seat was very hot. Why?” “Isn’t it natural? The weather is really hot.” “What if it was one of the winter days? Would you have thought the seat was very hot?” “Of course not. The seat wouldn’t be hot in winter.” “Why?”
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“There is no reason for it to be hot. What is your point?” “Bear with me. Would you accept that fire is hot even in winter?” “Yes, sure.” “So what is the difference between the seat and the fire with regards to being hot? Why would you accept the fire being hot in winter, but not the seat?” “Fire is fire, and can never be other than hot, while the temperature of the seat depends on the temperature of air around it.” “Let me rephrase your statement. You believe that heat cannot be separated from fire because heat is inherent to fire while other things can be separated from heat and be hot or cold according to the
outside
contingent
temperature or
accidental
and
therefore,
upon
are
theoutside
temperature.” “Yes, you can say so.” The streets were becoming lighter as the heat built up, so it didn’t take us long to reach Kargeen restaurant at Madinat Qaboos. Uncle Issa invited me to lunch there. He parked his car beside the restaurant, reclined his seat and looked at me.
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“Great. Note that even the chair has to be attributed by some degree of heat regardless of its temperature, right?” “True, the outside heat, as you expressed, is accidental to the seat. That much is clear, but how do
we
distinguish
between
the
inherent
and
accidental attributes?” I asked. “You said it in the beginning. If you can separate
the
attribute
from
the
object
it
is
attributed to, then it is an accidental, otherwise it is inherent. This separation need not be external or physical; it can be mental also. Let me ask you this: Is tall stature an inherent or accidental to man?” “Obvious, it is accidental. Would you now tell me what does all of that has to do with our subject?” “Don’t rush it, and tell me: what about the liquidity in the liquid water?” “Inherent.” “So you see; if the attribute is accidental, you would naturally ask about the reason it is there, whereas if it is inherent, you would not. If the paper is wet, you would ask why, but you need not ask why water is wet, it would not be a smart question, would it?” “Yes.”
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“So is existence an inherent feature of you or an accidental one? Is your existence mentally separable from you or not?” “It is accidental because there was a time I did not exist as I am and there will be a time when I die.” “Right and what about the other things around you? Is existence inherent in it or accidental to it?’ ‘By the same token, because it could have been non-existent, existence is accidental to it.” “Very well. If existence is accidental to it and not inherent to it, it must be lacking existence in its core, and therefore, existence must have been given to it. Isn’t it? And it also means there must be another being as a source for being.” I pondered upon his words for some time. “Yes, indeed.” “This source of being is rich in existence and existence is inherent to it and inseparable from it. You can say it emanates existence, or let’s say it is The Existence, which we call Allah.” “Uncle, this is a clear proof for the being of Allah, but can I speak honestly?” “Sure you can.” “I acknowledge that this proves the presence of a creator, but it does say nothing about Him being benevolent and omnipotent and kind to us, or
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that He does not fool us or does injustice to us, or that He is not incomplete.” “Yes, it does. Didn’t you agree that existence is accidental to all other beings? What criteria did we use to decide if it was accidental or inherent?” “Refresh my memory please.” “We
said
if
the attribute
is mentally or
physically separable from the object it is attributed to, then it is accidental to it, otherwise it is inherent to it.” “So why do you think existence is accidental to these creatures?” “Because all of these things can be imagined without really being there.” “And that implies it has an aspect of deficiency in its existence, because to imagine something is to have a mental boundary for it, and if it has a boundary, it has a limit and deficiency beyond that limit. Do you agree?” I thought about it for some time. “Yes. I suppose it is.” “And therefore, the source of existence cannot be imagined without really being there. It cannot be imagined at all, or it would fall in the same group of these contingent creatures.” “Right.”
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“This means it has no limits, for if it had limits, it would have a boundary and we would be able to mentally imagine it. In other words, it has no limits or boundaries in its existence. It also implies it is one simple non-compound being that has no parts or separable attributes. Compound things can be imagined by imagining their parts, and limited things can be defined. Isn’t that how we define things—by their limits and boundaries?” “Oh boy, it is so simple, yet so complicated.” “It proves that Allah is attributes of completion and full existence. It also proves that is impeccable of any deficiency.” “It seems clear, yet I need to rethink it over and over for some time” “Now think about this: what could be simple, one, unlimited, and a source of existence? In other words, existence emanates from it.” “Oh my God,” I said it loudly, “it is The Existence. How many times I heard that Allah is pure existence, but I never understood it this way.” “Yes. That is right. As there is nothing out there but existence, and there is no such thing as nothingness, all there is out there is existence, pure existence, and that must be limitless existence because what could be the boundary of existence if there is nothing else out there?”
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“This is getting complicated.” “I will stop at this point to let you contemplate longer, but before that I need to clarify one more point. Pure existence is simple, not compound and has no parts as I just said. This means the attributes of existence are nothing but existence itself. What I mean is that there is no duplicity of the attribute and the attributable. It is just one thing: the attribute and the attributable.” “This is really big.” Silence fell in for few moments, then I said, “Now I can relate to the words of Imam Ali in one of his sermons: ‘Praise is due to Allah…. Whom the height of intellectual courage cannot appreciate, and the divings of understanding cannot reach; He for whose description no limit has been laid down, no eulogy exists… the foremost in religion is the acknowledgement acknowledging
of
Him
Him, is
to
the
perfection
testify
Him,
of the
perfection of testifying Him is to believe in His Oneness,
the
perfection
of
believing
in
His
Oneness is to regard Him Pure, and the perfection of His purity is to deny Him attributes, because every attribute is a proof that it is different from that to which it is attributed and everything to which something is attributed is different from the attribute. Thus whoever attaches attributes to Allah recognizes His like…and who pointed at Him
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admitted limitations for Him; and who admitted limitations for Him numbered Him…” Uncle
Issa
smiled
in
satisfaction.
I
also
enjoyed understanding. I felt a chill as if a divine energy moved in my whole body and soul. I never felt this peaceful; it was a beautiful feeling. We got out of the car, but spoke nothing. I was deep in my thoughts turning the new concepts over and over. I was lost, but now I have more certainty. Uncle left me in my silence. We settled at a table in the restaurant. “Why don’t they teach us these wonderful things in the mosque? Why none of the scholars at the mosque brings this forth in their speeches?” “We shall think into that after we order our lunch.” “I am not familiar with this place. You do the ordering.” When the food came, we were still silent. I was still digesting the new concepts. “Uncle. By this notion, we can also prove the monotheism, can’t we?” “I agree, but you tell me how.” “If there were other gods, then each would be limited by the other, as the second would begin where the first ends, and vice versa, and that would
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make both of them limited, which would make their existence accidental instead of inherent.” “Excellent, you got it right.” “But then, don’t we make the boundaries for Allah? I mean wherever I am, Allah can’t be–no two things occupy the same place.” “Our existence, as real as it is, is not the same as the existence of Allah because that –as you implied– would set limits to Allah and defeat the whole proof, won’t it?” I was trying to get to an answer for the riddle. How could our existence be real and at the same time not the same as Allah’s existence? What does that mean? “Let me make it easier for you, do you know anywhere in the universe where there is absolutely nothing else so that Allah can be in it?” “What I know of my physics in school is that there is no such thing as absolute vacuum, there is always something everywhere. Are you trying to say there is no place for Allah to be?” “That can’t be true, can it? You find in Quran and Hadeeth ample references that there is no place free of Allah. ‘We are nearer to him than his lifevein’, so how could Allah be nearer to man from the man to himself?” “That’s right, I never thought about it before.”
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“Although we and the other things really exist, our existence is merely an emanation for the divine existence. This is much like the light and heat being emanations of the sun. Neither of them is the sun, nor do they compete with the sun for place.” “That reminds me of Imam Ali’s description of Allah: ‘He is with everything but not in physical nearness. He is different from everything but not in physical separation’, but I still can’t imagine how we are emanations of Allah and yet not part of Him and still have a real existence.” “You can’t. Because imagination requires fully comprehending
Him
and
we
know
that
full
comprehension of Allah is not possible.” #####
That evening, uncle Issa dropped me home. I was utterly thrilled in happiness while I walked home in the narrow and intricate alleys of Sur Al Lawatia. I was eager to see my mother and grandmother and to play with my sisters. I felt I was too busy with myself for too long when they needed me. I was selfish and it was time to make it up to them. When went home I said hello to everyone like I had come from a long and bitter trip away. I told my mother about the discussion with uncle Issa. My mother listened attentively and smiled every now
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and
then.
She
felt
happy
for
me.
Grandma,
however, was frowning and feeling unhappy about the topics I discussed with my uncle. I felt sleepless that night. I got up and sat on my bed ruminating hadith quotes of the Prophet and the Imams, and the texts of prayers that related to the concepts of uncle Issa’s discussion. I felt like someone who had come back to his beloved after a long time. Everyone else was asleep. I sneaked out of the bed, ablated (7) and started praying the night prayer. I felt deep reverence of Allah with every bit of my being and every corner of my heart. There was nothing that could express my feelings towards Allah. I took the book of prayers, but this time, I was browsing it with new ideas and concepts in my mind. I hardly felt the time passing till I heard the chanting for dawn prayer (8). I prayed the dawn prayer and went back to bed and slept deeply. I don’t know how long I had been sleeping, but I woke up with a part of Imam Hussain’s prayer in my mind. It was part of his prayer on the day of Arafa (9): ‘How can You be figured out through that whose existence relies on You? Can anything other than You hold a (kind of) manifestation that 7 is the Islamic procedure for washing parts of the body using water, typically in preparation for formal prayers (Translator). 8 Al Fujr or the dawn prayer is the first of the five daily prayers offered by practising Muslims (Translator). 9 The day of Arafa is the 9th day of the 12th month in the Arabic calendar. It is part of the days of pilgrimage of Muslims to Mecca (Translator).
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You lack and thus it may act as an appearance for You? When have You ever been absent so that You may need something to point to You? When have You ever been far-off so that traces may lead to You?’ I reflected about the subject: when there is heat, we spontaneously and without further thought know that there must be a self-generating source for that heat even before we discover it physically out there. This is what this prayer tries to highlight: that existence in itself, regardless of the various existing things, is a proof for an inherent source of existence or “pure existence”, which is God. So we don’t even need further proof for God’s existence. How could we be so stupid and need further proof for the existence of Allah. Later on, I knew that this proof is called the “proof of the righteous”. #####
The climate was temperate that night and the sky was clear as usual. Moonlight shone over the horizons. It was beautiful and I felt calm as the waves of the beach on Saih Al Maleh. I touched the soft and cold sands. The sounds of the sea were inspiring like a divine chanting coming out in clear whispers revealing what you didn’t know about yourself. A year full of sadness, despair and frustration passed; I suffered beyond description. I disbelieved in everything around me. But now, it was over with
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nothing left but bitter memories, like it was never there. My father had died and I still felt the loss stabbing my heart. But this ordeal helped me grow and mature. I felt as if I had grwn up decades in age. I realized things I hadn’t realized otherwise. My potential expanded and my self-confidence grew larger. I am not the small child I was a year ago. I wouldn’t have planned my future in this wonderful way if there were no problems. My suffering made me doubt Allah before I got to the truth of knowing Allah with certainty. What happened to me was like being vaccinated with a weak virus that gives you temporary flu, but long lasting immunity. This experience rooted my faith and confidence in Allah. It made me love Him with every bit of me. It made me talk to him easily at every moment of every day. It made me appreciate and thank Him for all His graces and ask his help in tough times, even if I could not see His answers to my prayers. Could this be why Allah made me suffer? Is this why my father died? Maybe, but what is the fault of my father, two sisters, mother and grandmother? Why am I thinking of death like it is an indignation and torture? But how could it not be so when we hear that those who die suffer the severest of agony? We hear about the agony of dying and compression of the grave, and the torture of Al Barzakh by Monker and Nakeer, and then ending up in hell. How could they say that death is ascension to Allah when it is misery?
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But then why do I assume that Allah is the reason for my misery and the death of my father? Is Allah who moves things around us at the universe? Or is it us who do that? The driver who killed my father did that because he was reckless, not because Allah asked him to. This is why he deserved to be punished. But if it is so, then why do we pray and ask things of Allah? Who are we? Why does Allah care about us so much? Who am I? Am I so important that Allah watches me closely every moment of my life and interferes in my interest? Does Allah do that for all things? Why, then, He did not create us directly in heaven instead of Earth, where we suffer day after day and make mistakes for which we get punished? Why does He punish us in hell? What would He lose if we commited few sins that we don’t mean to challenge Him with? We just lose control due to our bodily urges and fall into the forbidden acts. The time we spend commiting the sin like listening to songs is short, so why does He torture us for periods millions of times longer? For example, we would say that burning someone who cursed us is a hideous act, so how come Allah burns those who utter profanities? Is it because He is stronger than us? Why did Allah create us? What does He want us to do in this life? I remember once asking the teacher of Islamic studies in school this question.
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His answer was “to construct and civilize Earth”, but then why? Does God need us to do that for this planet? Is this planet more important than us? Why did He create Earth in the first place? Another teacher said “to worship God.” Well, I can’t reject this answer; the Quran stated it clearly in the verse ‘and I have not created the jinn and the men except that they should worship Me’, but I don’t understand this verse. Allah does not need our worship at all. More and more questions stormed in my mind with no answer in the horizons. I used to like riddles at my early days, but I hate them now. I felt restless in my confusion. I was sure there were good answers for these questions because now I know as a general rule that Allah is wise and kind to us, and that He does not act without very good reasons for whatever He does. There must be many secrets to this universe and this life. There must be wonderful things we don’t know about. Maybe if we knew these things, our lives would be much different. I know how much my life changed when I learned some things I didn’t know before about the way Allah made events happen in my life. But, how do I get to know these secrets? Must I get into more difficulties to discover these secrets? Is this what they call learning by practicing? God help me find the truth. I remembered the verse in the Quran that says ‘And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We
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will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good.’�
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Chapter Two
Tough Situations
Tough Situations I continued my endeavor ardently with a firey will inside me. I also was anxious of the unknown future. I knew my path was not paved, and at times, I doubted if I could change my reality, but I had nothing to lose. I dearly wished that I excel and make my father proud of me wherever he settled. My first mission was to get a public relations officer job with a reasonable salary (at least 250 Omani riyals with a car and fuel), preferably in a big firm. At the same time I aimed to prepare for the CMA certification by correspondence with a US university. Uncle Issa managed with his wide network of contacts to arrange a number of interviews in some companies looking for a good PRO. My first interview was on Wednesday 1 pm at a local firm working with the stock market and business investments. It was located in Muttrah Commercial Street. I was apprehensive as I had all my hopes tied to this job. I could not sleep after dawn prayer. I was frightened of disappointment and loss of opportunity.
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Tough Situations
In my bag, where I kept clothes and stuff, there were only two dishdashas apart from the ones in the washing machine and both of them were bespotted. I picked the better of the two and asked by mother to iron it for me. The ironing machine was broken, so I had to take it to aunt Safia’s house and she did it for me. I didn’t have money for gas to drive my father’s car, so I went to the Corniche for public transport. It was very hot and I was drenching in sweat. It took longer than I expected before I found a minibus taxi to take me to Al Wadi Al Kabir area near the company. It was almost 1 pm now and I was running late. O God, please help me. I need this job. The traffic was heavy where I was going. It felt as if the clock was ticking faster than usual, intent to add to my burden. It was 1:19 pm when I got to the block of the company, and I had to ask for the exact location of the company. It was almost 1:30 when I got there. Someone was at the door getting to leave. I asked him
about
Mohammed
Attiya,
the
director
of
administrative affairs of the company. It was him. I was panting and sweaty. Added to my spotted clothing, I looked like a homeless bum. I told the guy that I am the one he is supposed to interview. He looked at me with disgust, reproved me for
49
Tough Situations
being late and told me I was not suitable for this job. Then he walked on. I was struck by a lightning. Humiliated, I froze in my place. My chest pained with fury and blood boiled in my arteries. I ran out of the place. Everything was wrong. I was filled with despair and frustration.
With no fare, I walked back
five
kilometers home in this hot climate. I felt like smashing the windows of these rich people’s fancy cars, but I didn’t. One hour in this simmering heat and anger turned to depression and exhaustion. I got home almost devastated. I could not say a word. I switched on the air conditioner and fell on the mattress in a curled, fetal position. “I am tired. I will lie down until I die,” I told my mother. She kept crying which added to my pain and anger. “Enough!” I shouted at her. “If you don’t stop crying, I will run out and never come back!” It was the first time I raised my at over my mother. She was dumbfounded and scared, and moved back. The demons were dancing around me, but a thin thread still tied me to Allah. I kept on praying for His help before I went into deep sleep. I woke up at night to the voice of uncle Issa. “I am sorry, it is entirely my fault,” he said softly.
50
Tough Situations
The sleep helped me calm down and my uncle’s presence soothed me. I, indeed, needed to see him. “Uncle!” “After
your
mother
called
me,
I
called
Mohammed Attiya, and knew how things went. I apologized to him for you being late and asked him to give you another chance.” “No uncle. I can’t work in this company after what happened. It was my fault.” I said that while getting up to sit. “Ok, there are many other places you can work in. It was not your fault, but mine. I will stay with you until you settle. I am sorry.” “Please uncle, don’t apologize, you did enough for me.” “Listen, sweetheart, we both know we can’t send a soldier to battle without enough preparation. You can’t go to interviews without some prepration. You need good clothes and other accessories like sandals, a watch, a good Kumma and some cash to be able to use the car.” I couldn’t respond to that. He knew we couldn’t afford all that and I could not accept any money from him. I would never do that.
51
Tough Situations
“I borrowed some money for you from the youth fund in the community. You can pay it later when you get hired,” he said. That sounded good. The youth fund was a voluntary venture by some people in the community to help young people like me to get up on their feet and I was eligible for it. “Thank you, uncle. I am on for that, but the loan has to be in my name and you my guarantor.” “Deal.”
##### I was not skilled at job interviews, but after each one, I got better. With my good English command, my ability to write letters, I had some edge in the interviews. It was not long before I ended up with three job offers, the best of which was from an English company for a job as a driver and a PRO. The company offered a salary of 450 riyals including the expenses of the car. It was good enough for me. It also allowed me enough spare time to study in the office as well as during the time I
waited
in
the
long
queues
of
government
institutions to carry on the chores of the company. A comfortable and eventful year passed by— our financial situation improved, we paid all our family debts and moved to a bigger house in the same neighborhood. The only challenge I had during
52
Tough Situations
this year was my struggle with my preparation for the American Management Accounting exam (CMA). It was next to impossible and caused me deep frustration
initially,
but
with
the
gradual
improvement of my English skills and my hard work, I managed to move on. I failed in the examinations several times, but finally I passed all four modules. It was not just any success; it was THE success for me. I wished my father had been beside me at these moments so he could share my happiness. Is he aware of my success right now? Is he proud of me there? Or does this make no difference in the world where he is right now? I missed him.
##### My
next
mission
was
another
kind
of
challenge, but it was a reward for my success in my previous one. I had to find a job in accounting with a better salary than my current one. At the same time, I had to enroll for a graduate degree in Commerce at one of the private colleges during evenings. One might say I was lucky, but the way I saw it was that I was being cared for by Allah. The day after I passed the exam, I went to see the regional manager of my company. During the last year, I had managed to build good rapport with everyone I had come in contact with in the company including
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Tough Situations
the regional manager—I helped him several times tend his personal business. Andro, that was his name, was hunched under the desk, as usual, looking for his pen that fell down, so I had to wait till he got up. Moments later he settled on his fine chair and peeked at me above his slim spectacles. “Mohammed, how can I help you?” “I passed my CMA, sir.” “You did? Congratulations, you earned it. So, what next?” “To find a job in accounting and complete a graduate degree in business.” “Obviously you planned your career well. Would
you
like
to
move
to
our
accounting
department?” That was indeed surprising. I was not used to things going my way so easily. I immediately agreed. “Good, then you must find us an excellent PRO to replace you, and then you can move on to accounting. Will two months suffice to get it done?” he smiled encouragingly. “One month will do. I promise the new PRO will be excellent.” “Great, take care.”
54
Tough Situations
“Thank you, sir.” It wasn’t so hard to find a replacement PRO; our company paid good salaries and during my work, I came to know several good PROs.
##### The job took the best part of my time and effort—I had to work nights and weekends to get my job done, particularly at the end of the month, but that did not stop me enrolling at the evening batch of the college of commerce. I returned home every night dead-tired dragging my feet to eat mom’s delicious dinner, savor a cup of tea and spend some time with my family. It was my timeout in this busy world. Despite the fatigue, I felt very active when I saw my mother sitting and knitting a beautiful Kumma for me. As the days passed, my responsibilities and burdens increased. I slept only four hours daily. I had perpetual headaches and I repeatedly used analgesics. My body felt like it weighed a ton and I was always heavy-eyed, especially while driving. Finally,
my
performance
at
work
and
study
plummeted and my mistakes increased. I suffered nervousness and stress, and if it was not for the twenty minutes of solitude I made sure I had every night, I might have had a nervous breakdown.
55
Tough Situations
I had no other choice. I had to continue till the last breath. I kept telling myself that years will soon pass; I will graduate and enjoy a comfortable life. I was always praying to Allah to help me and I asked my mother to pray for me, but deep down, I doubted any way out of my dilemma without a miracle by Allah. One day while I was praying in the evening, a strange idea flashed through my mind. I remember during my early school days faking sickness to get away for a day or two from school. I had to convince my parents to make it work, so I first convinced myself that I was not feeling well, and guess what? I made myself sick enough to at least convince my mother. And it worked the other way round as well. When it was safe enough; I was reversed the process to be able to play in the neighborhood. So I thought that maybe if I talked myself into feeling good and rested enough with only four hours of sleep, I would do well with it. It was a weird idea, but I tried it anyway. The results were spectacularly prompt. I felt much better and my activity was enhanced, though I still had trouble driving for long distances. I was thrilled at this achievement not only because my work and study improved, but also because I enjoyed life more. I felt this was Allah’s answer for my prayers. He made me recognize my true potential and harvest it. This auto-suggestion
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Tough Situations
helped me get rid of insomnia. I also used it to enhance other potentials that I hadn’t fulfilled.
##### The prayer room in the college was small and deserted. Few people used it and the lighting was dim. I felt uncomfortable in the beginning, but over time I began to get used to it and felt comfortable in it. I felt more reverence in my prayer without attracting any unwanted attention. It happened once when I was praying in the evening and pleading for the will to quit listening to songs. One of my colleagues entered the prayer room and I immediately wiped my tears quickly. I was anxious that he might have seen me crying, perhaps because it was not usual for people to cry while they pray, or perhaps because I was scared to be thought of a zealot and, therefore, become the object of cynicism of my fellows. I already was seen as “different” because I did not mingle with or shake hands with women, and because I refused to listen to songs. Well, at least in the presence of others as I did that in my private moments. But it happened, and in no time the other fellows started making fun of my adherence to religious doctrines, and they did in a very improper way. Blood simmered in my veins,
but
I
managed
to
stay
composed
in
appearance. I felt like responding to them harshly, but I couldn’t. It never happened to me in my life
57
Tough Situations
that I lashed out anyone harshly. I gripped hard on the chair beside me and wanted to break it over their heads. I almost gave into it, if it was not that I remembered
the
patience
of
the
Prophet
in
response to the intensive malice of some people. I decided to follow the example of the Prophet. I calmed down. I put on a confident smile and felt a chill while I reflected on a verse of the Quran ‘And not equal are the good deed and the bad. Repel [evil] by that [deed] which is better; and thereupon the one whom between you and him is enmity [will become] as though he was a devoted friend (34) But none is granted it except those who are patient, and none is granted it except one having a great portion [of good] (35).’ That made me feels peace and calm. I decided to hear them out and understand the way they think. I noted that despite their cynical commentary, some of their words reflected respect for me and my adherence to religion. I think they were not used to the way I saw things. It was going to be over, but Amer, the one who saw me crying in the prayer room, did not let it go. He was not wicked. He used to be very religious in the past and we used to spend long hours on the Corniche discussing various religious and social issues. We were mature for our ages. But he was deeply shocked when his “religious” father left them and his mother got cancer. He lost his faith in Allah
58
Tough Situations
and reverted 180 degrees. His good financial status, sharp mind, handsome look, and absent parental supervision helped this transition. “Mohammed, since you read so much in religion, maybe you can help me. I have some questions about these doctrines and can’t figure out the answers by myself.” The tone of challenge was obvious in his words. I knew his questions were meant to embarrass me, but I accepted
the
challenge. I looked at him with a smile. “I am just someone who tries to learn. I only know little, but please go ahead and ask. If I don’t know the answer, I will ask and find it out for you,” I retorted with a strong and confident voice. “The question that puzzles me is that if Allah loves us and is merciful then why did He create ailments and diseases? Why does He let people starve and die of diseases? Why did He create criminals and germs and monsters? Why did He make some of us smart, rich and healthy while some others are poor, sick and dumb?” Amer shot his questions in rapid succession and caused it an uneasy feeling with the rest of the guys—these were tabooed issues in the common culture—and I did not have a detailed and satisfying answer. However, I could not afford to let go unanswered. “We don’t know many things in this universe. Allah says ‘And mankind have not been given of
59
Tough Situations
knowledge except a little,’ what we don’t doubt is that Allah is omnipotent and omniscient. He loves us and is merciful on us. Our minds can’t comprehend his wisdom in some of the issues including these questions you asked. That does not mean He does not love us? He said in the Quran ‘Indeed Allah is, to the people, Kind and Merciful.’” “But…” Amer wanted to interrupt me, but Omar didn’t allow him and asked me to continue. “I am almost over with my answer. Let me give you an example. Do you remember when your father took you to the taekwondo sessions years ago? You hated it and thought your dad didn’t love you and forced you to do things you didn’t like. He watched you getting beaten over and over in the practice. Well, do you still think he didn’t love you? Or was it that he loved you and made you strong? You couldn’t realize that at that time.” “That is not answering my question,” Amer said, but before he could go on, Salim, another guy, interjected: “Honestly, Amer, your question is improper. We were just kidding and you made it serious. It was improper to second guess Allah’s wisdom. Mohammed is trying to answer you and you don’t want to listen.” “No, Salim, I didn’t mean to second guess Allah’s love for us.”
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Tough Situations
"Yes, you did. Anyway, let’s drop it. If you have any further questions, go to the scholars and they will answer you, but don’t just throw it to students.” The debate went on between a group of them, but I was done with it. I thanked Allah for inspiring my answer. I was not prepared for this debate. Honestly, what I said, though partially true, was evading the proper answer. Why did Allah create evils? Why is there so much discrepancy in wealth distribution between people? Puzzling questions with no answer. The example of Amer’s father that I used in my argument was not sufficient. Amer’s father could not get to his objectives without forcing his son into training on combat, but Allah does not need means to achieve what He wants. Allah said ‘His command is only when He intends a thing that He says to it, "Be," and it is.’ I don’t understand why Allah didn’t create us in heaven directly instead of creating us in this Earth then let us suffer so much to commit sins that lead us to hell. They say that Allah created Prophet Adam in heaven, but when he ate of the forbidden tree, Allah took him down to Earth as a sort of punishment. Why did Allah create that tree? Why did He make it accessible to Adam? Why didn’t He stop him from doing wrong? Why did He allow Satan to fool
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Prophet Adam? If Adam deserved that punishment, then what is our fault to remain on this Earth? These questions buzzed in my head with no answer. No doubt that Allah is wise and merciful, but I don’t know the answer for these riddles and my heart tells me there were deep secrets behind it.
##### In the lecture hall, just before the lecture in marketting, the debate was still hot between Amer and Salim. Other students gathered around. Their voices were loud and the scene was notable. It was unusual to see such an exchange. The lecturer entered the room and everyone lined up in their seats; everyone except our group, which went on uninterrupted. The lecturer asked them to be seated then listened to a brief account of what was going on. He proposed to make this discussion a formal one as part of the activities in the class. Some guys tried to object, for this was a specialized issue and required a religious scholar, but the lecturer was convincing and the voting was in favor of the debate. It was scheduled one month from now so that each side could prepare well. Most of the members of my team, and ironically, most of the members of the other team, led by Amer, were confident of my ability to prevail and reveal the truth. I did not share them this
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confidence. It is no longer a matter of a few questions in my mind. The responsibility of the faith of dozens of students depended on my ability to come up with satisfactory answers for Amer’s questions and many more unforeseen ones. I knew Allah would not abandon me, but I had no idea where and how I could get my answers. If uncle Issa was here, I would have sought his help, but he was on a trip to Germany for treatment, and he would not be back soon. I went to some religious scholars, but I was shocked to find that none of those I had been to had any better answer than what I already had given Amer that day. It was no good. If I probed them for any deeper answers, their response was to get upset and warn me against delving into these issues. But I could not take any of their warnings seriously. I persisted in my search, particularly with this new challenge of public debate and the fierce opponent of Amer. The days passed quickly by and the date of debate was near. My uncle was just few days out of his surgery, and I felt I shouldn’t call him for these matters, but the stakes were high. I picked up the phone and called him. His voice was weak. I asked how he was doing and he spoke heavily. I told him the short version of what happened and asked for his help. He told me that He did not have the full answers for these questions and advised me to go to his home and check his library for a book titled The Divine Justice by Sheikh Murtadha Mutahari.
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I spent days reading the book, especially the second chapter entitled “The Solution”. I reread it over again, but didn’t feel I understood it quite well. The day of the debate dawned. I was very anxious. The answer was in the book in front of me, but I couldn’t digest it in a way that I could easily present it. I thought of all those who waited to get the answers and would be disappointed. I dozed after the dawn prayer with tearful eyes. I was prayed from the depths of my heart and asked Him for the sake of the Prophet and his household to help me. I knew He could inspire me the answer. I woke up and the answer was clear in my mind. Oh God, it was so simple. I don’t know why I hadn’t seen it before. I thanked Allah and hopped out of the bed. I grabbed the book and started skimming the second chapter once more. This time, I saw it.
##### It looked like a busy market in the lecture hall that evening. Everyone made sure to attend and see this long-awaited debate. Some of them patted my shoulders on their way to be seated and uttered words of encouragement and support. I was too occupied to pay attention to that. My forehead sweated and my hands shook. It was supposed to be a simple discussion between two groups, but the
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issue had become a personal challenge between me and Amer. My team members gathered around me. The supervisor asked Amer to start his motion and then my reply. I asked the supervisor for a longer time to reply as the issue I was about to explain
was
intricate
and
required
some
introduction. He approved no longer than fifteen minutes. “At the beginning I felt it is a very complex issue indeed,” I broke the ice with this statement. “But then when I realized the answer, I found it easy and clear. I want to start by asking Amer a question, if I may.” “Go ahead,” the supervisor said and Amer also approved. “Thank you. You wonder why Allah gave you the facial features you have right now, don’t you?” “You can say that for an example, yes.” “If your father took you to a plastic surgeon and had you change the way you look, would you still wonder why Allah gave you the new look?” “No, but then I would ask my father and the surgeon why they gave me that new look.” “Exactly!” My agreement surprised Amer. He expected a different answer.
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Tough Situations
“Are you implying that we, humans, created these evils, not Allah? Because then I would ask why Allah created evils in the first place?” “Don’t rush me. Let me complete my answer and then object as you like,” I said with all the confidence I could muster. “I need to clarify two issues before giving the answer. First, whatever potential and attributes we have like intelligence, strength, height, and skin color are the same as our existence. It is nothing outside our own existence. Our existence is nothing but the sum of our potential and attributes. The same is true for everything
else
like
the
rocks,
oceans,
stars,
jellyfish and all other creatures. Its existence is the sum of its potentials and attributes. Your facial features, for example, however it is, your face itself. The facial features are nothing but the limits and attributes of the face. The body, whatever it is, the spatial extension, volume, and mass and all the other
physical
attributes
it
has.
Does
anyone
disagree so far?” I looked around the audience, but no one spoke a word. It seemed so true what I said. The supervisor gestured me to go on. “The attributes and potential of each being in this
universe
interact
with
the
attributes
and
potential of all other beings around it, and this makes up the motion of the universe. Take for an example the interaction of the nature of tissue paper with the nature of liquid water. The tissue
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Tough Situations
paper will get wet if falls into the water. Another example is our human physical nature that interacts with the nature of Earth. We can walk, run, and jump, but we can’t fly like birds or breathe in water like fish or crawl like reptiles because we have different natures.” “Mohammed.” The supervisor interrupted me. “Would you explain this issue further for the audience?” “Sure, prof. What I am saying is that all creatures and beings with its vast diversity including humans, animals, and even angels and demons interact with each other with whatever attributes and potential they own. This mutual interaction between things forms all the natural laws that govern the universe like gravity, sea tides, causeeffect, and all the other laws of physics. This leads us to deduce that all these laws, despite governing and outlining the motion of existence, are not something external or independent of the existence of things. Laws are the same as the things. For example, if a piece of rock fell on an egg, it would break it. If it didn’t, there must be a reason that protected the eggshell, otherwise, the rock wouldn’t be a rock or the eggshell wouldn’t be an eggshell. “This is the basis upon which all sciences are founded and it is the foundation for all the systems in existence. No one would ever believe that pouring water
67
on
the
ground
would
cause
a
nuclear
Tough Situations
explosion. If the USA claimed that it never bombed Hiroshima, but threw a bouquet of flowers and that caused
the
explosion,
we
would
laws
what
be
laughing,
wouldn’t we? “These
are
The
Quran
calls
collectively ‘Sunnat Allah’ [the way of Allah] and ensures that it cannot be varied ever. ‘But you will never find in the way of Allah any change, and you will never find in the way of Allah any alteration.’” “Excellent point. Go on,” the supervisor said. “The second issue I want to introduce is that Allah did not create each being with a separate will. He did not create my father with a will that is different than the will created in me or that created in all the other things. Everything in this universe is created with one simple [non-compound] will, a continuous flow of existence as described by the Quran
‘Indeed,
all
things
We
created
with
predestination (49) And Our command is but one, like a glance of the eye.’ The creatures were created and formed according to the laws governing the universe and work by cause and effect. “This point in the introduction is a natural result of the previous one. According to the law of cause and effect, my being with all my attributes and potential is a natural and inevitable result of the fertilization of the ovum in my mother’s womb with one particular sperm among billions of sperm in my
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Tough Situations
father, with the subsequent inheritance of specific features. “If it was another sperm that fertilized the ovum, or if it was another ovum that was fertilized, then it wouldn’t be me who came out, it would have been someone else. This logic applies to all other creatures and things. Every creature and every being is the result of a particular set of causes that created him in this particular way and thereby determined his characteristics and potential.” “Do you imply that Allah created the universe and then it is acting all alone using the natural laws, with no interference of Allah?” Amer asked. “Of
course
not.
The
whole
universe
is
perpetually and innately dependent in its existence on the independent existence of Allah. Allah’s bestowal of existence on the universe is a perpetual one, much like the light emitted by sun to Earth. This
makes
things
existent
and
visible.
Allah
describes Himself as The Light ‘Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth.’” “So, in effect, did Allah create me with my attributes and potential or did my parents make me?” asked Amer. “Both answers are true. Allah created you and your parents also created you. Let me ask you: who grew the mango trees in the backyard of your home?”
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Tough Situations
“My father did.” “But Allah says: ‘And have you seen that [seed] which you sow? (63) Is it you who makes it grow, or are We the grower?’ Allah attributes growing plants to Himself. Let me clarify that part. When we make a fire, we also get intense heat. When we put an egg over fire it gets cooked. So what cooked the egg? Is it the fire or the heat?” I felt very comfortable hearing many voices among the audience say ‘Both.’ “Well then. Back to the question of Amer: Why one is smarter or stronger or richer than other? Why create germs and monsters? The answer is that Allah bestowed one simple perpetual existence on all that could be, even if it was an incomplete being? He did not withhold existence on anything that can be because He is gracious and giving. Existence is in itself good and everything supplements of this good as much as its potential that it had as a result of the interaction of everything with each other under the system of causes and effects. “Allah gives an analogy for this system ‘Say, Allah is the Creator of all things, and He is the One, the Prevailing (16) He sends down from the sky, rain, and valleys flow according to their capacity’ Valleys can only accommodate as much as their size is, not as much as they are offered by rain, and likewise, everything receives as much existence as it could accommodate, not as much as
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Tough Situations
it is offered by Allah. The reason for this variation is their direct causes that preceded their creation. “It follows the analogy I started my talk with when I asked you about the new looks you would get by a plastic surgeon. You said you wouldn’t blame Allah because the surgeon and your father are the reason for the change of your facial features not Allah. By the same token, your other attributes are the natural outcome of your genes you inherited from your parents, and the same is true for everything happening in the universe, which is a natural result of the motion and interaction of things with each other.” I paused for few moments to allow it to sink in, then to drive the point home, I asked the audience, “Let me ask you; we all find some sort of deficiency in ourselves, but would you rather not be at all? Do you wish that Allah had never created you? Or do you feel happy you exist and that Allah did not deny us existence just because we have few things short of perfect?” I was so touched by my own idea and feeling so grateful for Allah. The supervisor clapped his hands intensely, followed by the other students and, surprisingly, Amer himself. “I asked many people about this dilemma, but I never got such an answer before,” Amer said, “But I have two more questions.” “Ok.”
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Tough Situations
“The first question: If Allah bestowed one simple, and perpetual existence and if every being receives this bestowal as much as it could according to its creating causes, then there must be one being that received its existence directly from Allah and did not have any prior causes for it other than Allah. Right?” asked Amer. “That’s right. This first effected being or the first emanation of Allah as some call has all the attributes of perfection, strength and intensity in existence including
that the
any will
creature and
could
cognition.
Of
ever this
have first
emanated creature, all other creatures and beings came through with consideration to the hierarchy of the system of causes and effects as I have clarified previously.” “To be honest, this notion is novel to me and it will take me some time to absorb fully. Anyhow, let me get to the second question: correct me if I am wrong. What you are saying is that the universe is operating according to systems and rules that are determined by the interaction of the existents with each
other,
and
that
these
interactions
are
governed by its attributes and potentials, which in turn are nothing but its very existence, and nothing foreign to it, right?” “That, pretty much, sums it up, thank you.” “These rules governing the universe, you said are ‘Sunnat Allah’ and cannot lag or differ no matter
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Tough Situations
what happened. The egg won’t be an egg if it didn’t break when a rock falls on it, and the water won’t be water if it caused a nuclear explosion. Is that right?” “Yes.” “My question, then, is: what is prayer for? Why do we ask Allah to do certain things for us if everything
in
the
being
is
governed
by
the
interactions of things?” asked Amer. I took few moments to think. At that moment I remembered how Allah was always supporting and caring for me at each moment of my life, even when I didn’t realize it or even thought that He let me down. A chill went through my body. “If you found something burning beside your little brother’s bed when he is asleep, what would you do?” “I would wake him up and try to put it out.” “How would you put it out?” “Using a fire extinguisher of course.” “Let’s say you could put it out by blowing it once only, would you wake up your brother or just put it out?” “What is your point?”
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Tough Situations
“Bear with me. If you had the superpowers of Superman, would blowing the fire out be violating natural laws?” “No, it would be in accord with natural laws.” “In other words, deciding what is in violation of laws of nature and what is not depends on the available resources and its attributes and potential, right?” “I guess that is right.” “You put out the fire using an extinguisher. Your little brother can’t do that because he is too small to carry or control the cylinder, but Superman wouldn’t even need the extinguisher because he could just blow strong wind at it and put it out as he is strong and has higher powers. Now, would Allah, the omnipotent, not be able to put out the fire as well?” Amer didn’t speak. I continued. “Yes He could, and He wouldn’t need an extinguisher or even the wind blow. The Quran says ‘His command is only when He intends a thing that He says to it, "Be," and it is.’ His intervention would not be violating any laws of nature at all. We pray for Him and ask Him things because He is the omnipotent and graceful to us. Everything including us is His and goes by His command. He commanded us to pray and ask, and He guaranteed the answer
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Tough Situations
in one way or another. Quran says ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’” “That is wonderful.” Amer clapped his hands and seemed very satisfied. I was surprised by his reaction. I thought he would keep arguing and he would find something to prolong the discussion, but it seems I had misjudged him. “Thank, you Amer. I ask you, the supervisor, and the audience to allow me a few more minutes to share my experience in this regard.” I took a few moments to gather my ideas and memories. When I spoke, my voice was calm and deep but also reflected an obvious conviction. “We all have bad days and bad periods from time to time, but I may have had the worst among you. In my whole life, my family was poor. My father passed away when I was in high school, a critical time of my life. I was very attached to him, and this led me to fail to get to the university. Right now, I am juggling several responsibilities at home, my job and here in college. I don’t have enough time to sleep. It may appear I am the most miserable among you, but the truth is I am the happiest. I discovered that all the difficulties I had were for my good. I had a bad depression for a full year after the death of my father, but on the other hand, it opened my heart and soul for true love: Allah’s love. If it were not for my father’s death and
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Tough Situations
its consequences, I would still be that soft boy. My failure to enroll in the university opened great new horizons for me. The pressures I have from my various responsibilities strengthened my will and perseverance. It sharpened my mind and made me discover a lot about myself that I wouldn’t otherwise without it. In summary, what I want to say is that these apparent evils are doing us good if we look at the
big
picture,
and
Allah
is
witnessing
our
endurance and caring for us. In fact that is why he tests us from time to time with hardship. The Quran says, ‘And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, (155) Who, when disaster strikes them, say, "Indeed we belong to Allah, and indeed to Him we will return (166) Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided.’ There is no such thing as absolute evil in existence. How could there be when the only source of existence is Allah, who is nothing but absolute good, perfection, beauty and has no deficit or evil in Him? The problem is that we look at things from a narrow and limited perspective of our egos and how much pleasure we would get from things, even if that pleasure is momentary. Take school as an example; kids hate it as Amer hated the Taekwondo classes. Death represents an absolute evil in general human culture, but in reality it is an unparalleled good
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Tough Situations
because it transcends human to a greater phase of life. It is like the day of birth to another world. Yes it is good and wonderful for being ascension to Allah and eternal happiness. My father died and we felt sad for parting with him and that was out of our belief that an evil thing happened to him, but in reality that was the best thing that happened to him.” I stopped talking and a heavy silence set in the hall. Everyone was touched, perhaps by the mention of death, the issue that we always avoid talking about as if it might become real. Or perhaps I presented my idea vehemently. The supervisor was the first to clap followed by all others. “That is great, Mohammed. Nice presentation and optimistic perspective to life. We need to learn to think like you.” He then asked the audience if they had any question, but there was none.
##### I was exhausted, probably because of the continuous vigilance and anxiety I had during the last month. Now that I was unburdened, I should have felt thrilled by the victory, but something deep inside me denied me that feeling. I didn’t know what exactly it was, but it was strong enough to be
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Tough Situations
oblivious to all the complements I got from the students and dive within to find out. I drove to the beach. There were very few people around. I laid on my back. The soft and cold sand absorbed the exhaustion of my body and the cool breeze filled my lungs with fresh energy. “Yes, that is right. My thirst is not quenched yet,” I thought. “Although I solved the mystery of divine justice and that reduced much of the buzzing in my mind, it also increased my eagerness to know the truth, the whole truth. The picture still had many missing pieces. “Why did Allah create us? To worship Him? Then why did He allow Satan to seduce us and get us into hell? Why did He grant Satan his request, which would end up harming us? Is it that Satan provoked Allah? Or is it that Allah loves Satan? Or does
Allah
hate
us?
All
these
answers
are
unacceptable but then, what is the answer? “If I had a good horse and I intended to use it in an important race, would it not be total ignorance if I allowed my enemy access to the stable and allow him to cripple my horse? Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose of buying the horse in the first place? Moreover, wouldn’t it be unfair to punish the horse for eating from the hand of someone else instead of mine. Why does Allah create us to worship Him and for His succession? He surely knows we are beings of lust and desire. Even the angels’ described man
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Tough Situations
as the one ‘who causes corruption therein and sheds blood’, and then He [Allah] allows Satan to exploit our earthly desires leading to one sin after another. This, then, fulfills the prophecy of the angels and we end up in hell for very long times. Why? Is that not evil itself? Is that not the result of Allah’s will?” My eyes filled with tears and a bitter sense of defeat filled me. “O God, forgive me for having the face to think like that, but how can I silence my mind? Do you want me to silence my mind? You are the one who invited us to think. I am sure there is much I have to know and that there is a great story for this universe, told by you. O God, I love you from the depths of my heart. I know you are the most merciful, the most gracious, and that you love us.” I slept deeply.
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Chapter Three
Story of Life
Story of Life Friday, June 22nd 2001 7:05 AM I was deep in sleep and coiled in my bed deeply under the thick blanket to protect me from the cold air conditioner. My twin sisters started jumping around me trying to wake me up. I was about to burst in anger, as I hadn’t gone to sleep until after dawn prayer, but when I heard their innocent giggles and happiness, I smiled to them. I was the closest thing they had for a father. Today is the monthly family gathering. My maternal uncles and aunts and their families gather in on Uncle Issa’s farm one Friday each month. I enjoyed these gatherings, but this time I was exhausted after my sleepless night. I had promised my sisters a week ago to take them to the gathering, and everyone else was ready, waiting for me to wake up. I got up and washed and changed. We drove to the farm. I hadn’t noticed that I was wearing two different shoes until my sister Khawla started laughing and pointing to my feet. Everyone burst in laughter and I became the object of their jokes for
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Story of Life
the next fifteen minutes. I had to divert their attention by proposing to play the ‘15 questions’. My sister Khadija challenged us with a puzzle. “If there were two doors,’ she started telling, ‘one door leading to heaven, and the other to hell, and each door had a guard, but one of them was a liar and the other told the truth. You didn’t know which one was liar and you didn’t know which door leads to where. You were allowed to ask only one question and only to one of the guards. The question has to be a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ type. What would you do?” The challenge took us some time to think, but then I noticed I was the only one who bothered to think about it. My grandma dozed off, my mother was reading the Quran, and the twins were playing. We were very happy to begin the summer holidays and end the long, and tiring year of study. We were also happy to plan to spend some time in Turkey and then during Omra (10) visit the shrine of the Prophet. Our financial status improved since I was hired in accounting last year with a monthly salary of 1,200 Omani Riyals. My happiness was indescribable; this would be my first trip by air flight. That would satisfy my ego and dignity, which I thought I had lost in the days
10 The optional pilgrimage that can be done at any time of the year [Translator].
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Story of Life
of poverty. Yes, travelling will prove to everyone that we are no longer poor. The mere idea of visiting the shrine of the Prophet gave me a chill. I was so eager to get there to ventilate my concerns and feelings that I could no longer bottle up. I needed to tell the Prophet that I outdid myself again and got the graduate degree with merit despite all the difficult circumstances I had been through. I hoped he would be pleased with me and pray for me. Years passed since the beginning of my career path, during which I made gigantic efforts. I had plowed ground with my fingers, watered it with my sweat and tears, and reaped a harvest beyond my dream. A feeling of strength, determination and happiness was in every bit of me. Even those questions about the universe and life quieted and I seldom remember them. I no longer have the time to dwell on the depths of the mysteries. The only thing that still defeated me was my failure to quit listening to the songs. I could succeed in that for periods that lasted weeks, but I soon find myself back to it. This sin maybe seen as small by many people, or it could be regarded as not a sin at all, much like many other bad habits like gossiping or lying, but I don’t accept that.
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Story of Life
Every time I came back to my senses, I despised myself for doing it. Feelings of shame and guilt overwhelmed me. Very often I cried in prayers regretting my sins, and yet, I couldn’t quit the songs for good. I wondered, what makes me so fond of the songs? What kind of joy it gave me that defied my attempts of quitting or even replacing it with the cantata or instrumental music. How could my will that was so triumphed in other issues be soft in a matter like this? Why couldn’t I use the auto-suggestion techniques to overcome it? It sure helped cure my anxieties and insomnia! I am not trying to justify myself; I know I am doing it with my free will, but I can’t understand my complex psychology. Maybe these back-and-forth swings between
committing the act
and regretting
it
created a sort of immunity that makes it ever more difficult to quit. I decided to forget the issue of songs for some time and focus on other selfdevelopment issues until I am better equipped for resolving my songs issue. “Khadija, the answer to your riddle is to ask one of the guards this question: ‘if I asked the other guard: is your door leading to heaven? Will his question be yes?’ If he said yes, then the other door is the one leading to heaven, and vice versa.” “You are kidding me. The answer is wrong.” “Nope. It is the right answer.”
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Story of Life
Although she was the one who told the riddle, it was nearly impossible to make her understand the answer as she only copied it from elsewhere, and I doubt if she even understood it herself.
##### Uncle Issa’s family stayed the night before on the farm. We were the first to reach there, and that suited me as I wanted to discuss a few issues with him about the next step in my career. Uncle Issa was swinging on a swing he made on a large branch of the big tree in the front yard of the farm house. He hopped off to greet us. He gave me a big hug and congratulated me for the graduate degree and reminded me how Allah gave me the best when I couldn’t get into the college. Tamer, his son, joined in and we sat on the grass. Uncle Issa set up some air coolers and my mother
went
to
help
uncle’s
wife
in
making
breakfast. My twin sisters were playing with Reem, Uncle Issa’s young daughter. Grandma went to the room to ease up the exhaustion of the trip. “Uncle, what is the next step?” “Take a break,” uncle laughed. “I indeed need a break, but I also needed to know what I should do next in my career.”
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Story of Life
“Well, now that you have a graduate degree, a professional degree of CMA, and five years of experience, you may want to consider an MBA from one of the elite universities.” “I have another view and I want your opinion about it. I read once that adaptability in various institutional environments is an important skill,” I said. “It is.” “Then staying in the same establishment for many years, especially in the beginning of my career, would make me lose this ability to adapt. I am suffering intense pressure from my expatriate superior for some time now. I think he is concerned about the competition I pose to him on his job. Our new regional manager likes him and if I start the MBA, my superior will give me hell at work and may even ditch me with the help of the regional manager. On the other hand, I feel I need more experience in accounting, auditing and analysis of financial and operating risks along with systems of monitoring.” “So what are you thinking of?” “I am considering to move to one of the four big international companies of auditing and to stay there for two years to master accounting and auditing. Meanwhile, I can do the CPA.”
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Story of Life
“That is very good, but then I guess you would have to settle with a lower salary. I don’t expect them to pay you as much as you are getting right now.” “I can live with that.” “And do you consider the MBA at any stage?” “Although
I
have
a
year’s
experience
in
administration as the head of accounting, I think I need more experience in administration to get the maximum benefit of the MBA, and so, I prefer not to start it till I have enough experience in the international auditing company.” “Very reasonable. You need my help for the job?” uncle asked. “Thanks, uncle, but not this time. Tomorrow I will request a meeting with the partner in the company who audits my company. It is one of the big four.” “Good luck.”
##### We were near the tree when my other uncles and aunts started coming one after the other. Out of five aunts and eight uncles, only nine said they would come, and two aunts and four uncles had come so far.
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Story of Life
They graduation.
praised
me
for
succeeding
in
my
Uncle Hassan was very happy as he
had strong ties with my father since childhood. “Your father would have been proud of you,” Uncle Hassan said. “Allah shall have mercy on him. He is alive in the realm of Al-Barzakh and knows about the achievement of Mohammed,” Aunt Zainab said. “That’s
right;
unfortunately
we
used
to
consider death as the end of life,” Uncle Sulaiman added. “Honestly, I would rather have death as the end of life. I can’t imagine living in a tight hole under dirt. They say the grave compresses you and angels torture us because of our sins, only to end up in hell on judgment day.” Aunt Najla said. “That can’t be true. Isn’t Allah the most merciful?” Uncle Salman interrupted her. “Yes he is, but only for obedient ones. We, on the other hand, are sinners and will end up in hell,” she replied as quickly. “I don’t know much about religious matters, but I know that this is impossible and very unfair. Allah would never be unfair. He doesn’t need to,” Aunt Zainab said.
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Aunt Najla replied with a quote from the Quran “And We did not wrong them [thereby], but they were wronging themselves” “Guys, what is the saying of “Sheikh” Issa on this?” Uncle Hassan asked. “Isn’t what I said correct, Issa?” Aunt Najla asked him. “I have a different opinion,” Uncle Issa replied, but before he continued, the rest of my uncles arrived together. It was a hubbub when a group of people was talking at the same time. Women, as usual, gathered in one hall, while men stayed under the tree exchanging small talk. Most of the young men started playing soccer. We played for quite some time until Uncle Hassan announced prayer time.
##### We prayed under the tree behind Uncle Issa, who was the eldest one of my uncles and the most acquainted with religion because he studied for several years in a religious school. After prayer, we organized again under the tree in smaller groups. Some played carom, some played card games, a group was talking and others went for a stroll on the farm. After an hour, a group of them started discussing death and after death, and turned to
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Uncle Issa asking him to share his opinions. Uncle Issa gathered his thoughts and started talking. “The Quran says: ‘And certainly did We create man from an extract of clay (12) Then We placed him as a sperm-drop in a firm lodging (13) Then We made the sperm-drop into a clinging clot, and We made the clot into a lump [of flesh], and We made [from] the lump, bones, and We covered the bones with flesh; then We developed him into another creation. So blessed is Allah , the best of creators (14) Then indeed, after that you are to die (15) Then indeed you, on the Day of Resurrection, will be resurrected (16).” Uncle Issa seemed serious when he started this issue like he was going to talk about something very important. “In the beginning, please remove the idea of death, ending, and annihilation or any similar word from your minds and enjoy this story that I am about to tell you. “Everyone on this earth has a beautiful story of his existence. The story is over four phases. These tales are seemingly similar, but each one is as distinctive as our fingerprints. It is a story with a beginning, but with no end. The first phase of our existence started with the fertilization of the one ovum, out of millions of ova from our mothers, by the one sperm, out of millions of sperms from our fathers. With each fertilization, starts the story of each of us. A new person has been chosen out of
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trillions of possible combinations of the DNA of his parents. We have been chosen.” “Fascinating,” Uncle Jafer couldn’t hold his admiration. “If anyone could tell the chosen sperm or ovum that the vast world it lives in is no larger than a drop in a colossally large world, and that within nine months, it will become a complete human being, a vastly larger and stronger creature, capable of feeling pleasure and pain trillions of times more than what it is, that sperm or ovum would laugh and dismiss the thought. “Fertilization is complete, but that is just the beginning. The road is very long, strenuous and risky. There are several stages this single-celled creature has to cross to become a full-fledged human being. This long and perilous journey starts in the womb, which is larger and more complex than the world of the sperm. Days and months pass and
this
single
unimaginably
cell
fast
divides to
and
become
reproduces something
unimaginable as well. Within a few months, it becomes a human with a heart, mind, senses, and a soul. The soul can use all potential and tools of the body. The nine month old fetus would frown on the claim that he would see or hear or think, but we know he could and would do much more. He wouldn’t understand what seeing, or hearing, or love is, and we don’t expect him to understand at
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that time. The world of the fetus is so limited that there is no way to perceive such potential and capabilities at that time. The fetus would feel that the womb is much better as a home than the world of the sperm and comfortable enough to stay in forever. If you were an observer inside the womb and you were following the life of the fetus, you would find that he dies at the end of pregnancy as far as that life is concerned. What we call as “birth” in this life is exactly seen as “death” in that world. Birth is not an easy process; the newborn has to pass
through
a
very
tight
opening
and
gets
thoroughly squeezed. The newborn starts his new life crying, but, we, those who love him or her, cherish
the birth
and
celebrate it.
We never
underestimate the hardship of being born, but we look towards the happiness awaiting the child in the new world. And here we are, in this world, we realize what happened to us in the previous worlds, but we don’t remember any details, as if it never happened. All we feel here is the joy of the new life with our new potentials and capabilities.” “This is the second phase of the story of life, isn’t it Issa?” Uncle Jafer asked. “That’s right, Jafer, the phase of Al Dunya World (11), which continues, usually, for no more than 100 years, and is followed by the third phase 11 Al Dunya world or life is literally translated as (The Lower World or life), which denotes the Islamic view for this life being the lower order of the next life. [Translator]
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starting the moment of our death in Al Dunya World, or let’s say our birth in Al Barzakh world and lasts for probably thousands of years. The fourth and last chapter or phase of our life is Al Akhira World or Life (12), which is eternal and endless. Mathematically speaking, the first three phases of life are nearly zero in relation to the last one. What do these coming worlds look like? I don’t know. Imagine one sperm asking another: ‘hey, they say there is a very big world beyond this one and it is called Al Dunya World. Do you believe that?’ His buddy would say: ‘Yep, I heard that too. They say it is huge and vastly complex and wonderful beyond imagination.’ ‘Is it? You made it appealing. Can you please describe it for me?’ the first sperm said. ‘Sure. I read that Al Dunya World is trillions of times larger than ours. Creatures there live on a giant globe called Earth and they have a source of very bright light and heat called Sun. They have huge oceans similar, but bigger than our seminal fluid,’ The second sperm answered. ‘Wow that seems cool. I wish I could go there.’ “Now,
can
comprehending
you the
really whole
imagine universe?
a
sperm
Can
he
understand love or science or good and beauty? Can he understand happiness, misery or motherhood? 12 (Al Akhira World or life) is translated as (The afterlife) or the (Latter life). [Translator]
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“Our case is not much different than the sperm’s case. We think of Al Barzakh world and describe it in a similar way the hypothetical sperm talks and thinks about our world, but we don’t really comprehend it well. Similarly, people in Al Barzakh World don’t know much about Al Akhira World. At least we can try to extrapolate the differences by comparing the world of the sperm to ours. What is the ratio of the world of sperm to our universe that extends over billions of light years and continues to expand every second? You do the math and imagine the ratio of our world to Al Akhira World. Even then, I am just using common analogy to bring the idea closer to understanding, but the reality is much bigger than that. Let me remind you that all of my previous examples of the world of sperm, the womb, and the universe are of material nature. They differ from each other in time and space dimensions and complexities of material worlds. The next worlds, however, transcend matter and the common time and space dimensions.” Uncle Issa paused to take a sip of water. “It seems to me we can visualize that.” Aunt Najla said. “No, we can’t,” Uncle Issa replied decisively. “It is impossible. Allah said in Quran ‘…and produce you in that [form] which you do not know.’ "Our ability to feel pleasure and happiness, or pain and misery corresponds to the ratio of our
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growth from this world to Al Barzakh World. Happiness and heaven or misery and hell become part of our existence; much like the food we eat becomes
part
of
our
bodies.
A
similar
transformation occurs when we leave the World of Al Barzakh to enter the World of Al Akhira. “Our initial potential and traits in this world are decided
by
external
factors
like
our
genetic
inheritance and we have no choice in that, but our potential and traits in Al Barzakh, and later in Al Akhira with the resultant happiness or misery are decided by us through our choices and deeds in this World of Al Dunya. We decide our make-up and the way we are created in Al Barzakh and Al Akhira.” “Would
you
elaborate
on
this
last
issue
please?” Uncle Salman asked. The maid brought lemonade and Uncle Issa took one of the glasses and sipped it. Then resumed talking. “Do you mean explain how we create our own status in the coming lives?” “Yes.” At that moment, I couldn’t hold the thought in my
mind,
“Thank
you
Uncle
Issa,
you
have
answered one of my vexing questions.” “Which is?” Uncle Issa asked.
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“Why Allah throws us in hell? What harm is done when we have committed few sins out of our weakness and with no intention of challenging His will? Why is the punishment disproportionately longer than the duration of the sins?” “That’s right. Allah does not punish or torture us. We do that to ourselves in the way we create our forms in Al Barzakh and in Al Akhira. Allah wants us not to do that to ourselves. Allah gave us every possible means so that we willfully do good to ourselves, much like mothers warn their beloved sons to avoid drugs. Although it takes seconds to take the drug, the consequences can be lifelong or even cause death. Now back to Salman’s question: how is that we are the ones who form our reality in the coming lives? “The answer to this question lies in the rest of the story of the second phase of our existence. Although the details differ from one person to another, the basis is the same in all, Allah said in the Quran: ‘[So mention] when your Lord said to the angels, "Indeed, I am going to create a human being from clay (71) So when I have proportioned him and breathed into him of My [created] soul, then fall down to him in prostration.’ We come to this world having two aspects or dimensions: an animal or body-related aspect, and a spiritual or soul-related aspect. Traits like color of skin, hair, length, and other physical attributes, and traits like
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our IQ, courage, love and other psychological attributes and potential are predetermined by our genetic make-up. We, also, are born with some built-in information such as knowing Allah and loving Him. This package is called “Fitra” (13). Physical traits maybe hard or even impossible to change. Psychological traits, that are the basis of our activity in Al Dunya World, on the other hand, and our potential and the innate ideals “the fitra”, are not immutable. It all changes constantly, either growing or diminishing, one way or the other, depending on what we do and the knowledge we acquire. It changes in accordance with our views of life and our simple daily practices like when we study, work, play, sleep and interact with others. It changes with how we think, feel and deal with everything else around us. In short, your life here is the pen with which you scribe your life in the next one, and the most important text written is your realization of your servitude and subjection to Allah. “We come to this world with needs of body and soul. We need to eat, to drink, to wear clothes, to have fun, to learn and to think. We interact with the components and inhabitants of the world in order to satisfy our needs, and as a result, we learn and 13 The literal dictionary meaning of “Fitra” is instinct, but fitra is not meant to denote the physiological body-related instincts or survival-related set of skills in organisms; it has a distinct meaning in human beings related to their innate, natural, and background knowledge of a set of higher ideals that are spontaneously pursued in life unless overrode by nurture and education. [Translator]
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seek truth, and we work and struggle. New needs emerge and the cycle goes on to the moment we die.
The
sum
of
the
various
situations
and
challenges you face and the choices you make during life creates your potential and traits in the next life. You start with yhe inherited traits you get from your parents, and you are building on it. If you are used to having weak and languid attitudes, you are creating fear in yourself, which will be part of yourself. On the other hand, if your attitudes are mostly courageous, you are forming courage to be part of yourself. In short, you are the one who sculpts
your
own
statues. Prophet
Mohammed
(PBUH) said, ‘Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to heaven. And a man keeps on telling the truth till he is written before Allah
a
truthful
person.
Falsehood
leads
to
debauchery, and debauchery leads to the hellfire, and a man may keep on telling lies till he is written before Allah, a liar.’ The same logic applies with every other trait like knowledge, will, piety, wisdom, patience and so on. At the end of the second phase of life, when the body is no longer able to keep up with the journey, the soul has to leave it and go on to the next life. The next life is bigger, better and more beautiful than this one. We start a new phase of life, one we helped determine the quality of, a life where bonding with Allah is the measure of happiness.”
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Everyone felt the silence and reverence of the moment. “In summary,” Uncle Issa cut the silence, “since we started this life, we are in a perpetual evolution and development towards perfection. Allah said, ‘O mankind, indeed you are laboring toward your Lord with [great] exertion and will meet Him.’ We move from one world to another when we have completed our mission and goal in the previous world, or when our evolution in it stops. Only when the sperm fertilized the ovum, it could be implanted in the inner lining of the uterus. And only when the zygote completed its development in the uterus, it could be born to this world. And here we are, continually evolving till we are qualified to move on to Al Barzakh through what we call “death”. At Al Barzakh, we keep evolving in a different way, and together with the rest of souls in it till we are qualified to move on to Al Akhira World, the last and permanent one. The transition to Al Akhira is through the process of resurrection. There, we continue in a perpetual transcension and integration towards Allah.” Uncle Issa seemed to rest his case at that moment. “Issa, that was truly a great presentation. I wish I had it at my early days, but anyway, it is not too late. Tell me what do you mean by getting close to Allah? Isn’t Allah closer to us than we are to
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ourselves? He said in the Quran, ‘and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.’” “The proximity mentioned in this verse is the proximity of His bestowal of existence to us and His encompassing omnipotence. Nothing escapes His Knowledge, be it what we say, do, or even think of and intend to. The proximity I talked about, however, is the one we obtain with the integration and evolution in existence.” “I didn’t get it yet,” Uncle Hassan said. “What does our integration and development have to do with our proximity to Allah?” “The proximity of servitude to Allah is the extent to which we realize and interact through our behavior, knowledge, and psyche, consciously, or unconsciously to being in a state of worship to Allah. One can reach a state of totally dissolving (14) in the love of Allah, where he can see nothing without the context of Allah. Imam Ali said, ‘I saw nothing without seeing Allah before it, after it, with it, and in it.’” “But what is the relation of our worship and servitude to Allah and our recognition of that to our
14 In the context of Sufi spiritual descriptions of the heights of relationship of man to Allah, common words fail to reflect the true meaning. In this particular case, dissolving is commonly used to denote the breakdown of a solute in a solvent to form a solution, a material description that obviously defies the requirement. The reader is advised to keep a vigilant eye on such instances to avoid confusing the spiritual notions with material examples. [Translator]
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evolution and development? These are two different issues, aren’t they?” Uncle Hassan asked. “To the contrary, they are very linked to each other. Our proximity to Allah and our recognition of our servitude to Him are the result of two elements: first, the intensity of our worship and servitude to Allah, and second, our intellectual and emotional knowledge and cognition of this servitude, agree?” Uncle Issa asked him. “Honestly, you lost me there. I think I had my dose of knowledge for today.” Uncle Jafer seemed overwhelmed. “Please continue, I need to know more, and my answer to your question is yes,” Aunt Zainab urged. “‘I also don’t understand,” Aunt Najla said. “Najla,” Uncle Salman volunteered to explain, “think about it in this way. If your true worship to Allah is estimated to be 1000, and your sensing or realization of it is scaled as 60%, then your net servitude is 600 only, is that right, Issa?” “Obviously our realization of our servitude to Allah is variable from person to person depending on his piety and cognition, but how can we scale the servitude in each of us? Isn’t our servitude to Allah absolute and limitless?” Uncle Jafer shot another question before Uncle Issa could say anything.
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“It is true that our servitude is absolute and equal to our whole existence in every aspect. In fact it is nothing but our very existence bestowed upon us by Allah. Servitude and existence are two facets of one coin, agree?” Uncle Issa said. “Go on,” Aunt Zainab encouraged him to continue. “The more intense our existence becomes, the more true our servitude to Allah becomes. And that is true even if we don’t realize that we are slaves of Allah or even if we didn’t acknowledge it or denied it and dared to challenge Allah as did Satan. In that sense, our servitude to Allah is more intense than the jellyfish’s servitude to Allah. “Our proximity to Allah is the product of the intensity of our subjection and servitude to Allah, and our realization of this subjection and sensing the servitude in our consciousness. On the other hand, the intensity and strength of our subjection and servitude to Allah is linked to the intensity of our development. If we work on developing our skills, and capabilities and gain noble attributes like generosity, courage, wisdom, and determination, then our servitude and proximity to Allah increase correspondingly and vice versa.” “These two factors are very related; the more we develop and integrate, the more we bond to Allah and vice versa,” Uncle Hassan agreed.
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“That is true, but keep in mind that though these two elements are very related to each other, there is no necessity in this relation, Satan is an example of that dissociation.” Uncle Issa added. “I have another burning question, if you don’t mind?” Aunt Najla asked. “I don’t mind. If the rest of us are tired of discussion, we can continue one-to-one,” Uncle Issa replied. “What about the punishments in the grave, and the horrors of death that we keep hearing about?” Aunt Najla inquired. “Death, much like birth, is hard on man. It takes him to an unknown world where he is unprepared psychologically.. But soon we get used to the new wonderful life of Barzakh. Death is not necessarily synonymous with misery or punishment. When we die, we are born in Barzakh with our true identity and form that we had in this life. We possess the capabilities that we gained here. Our happiness or misery in Barzakh is the result of our interactions in this world.” ‘Imagine a fetus who is immunodeficient in the womb of his mother. As long as he is in the womb, which is a sterile environment, he has no trouble with germs and infections. But as soon as he is born and faces the myriad of germs and bugs, his suffering starts from recurrent infections. It is the
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same logic for us when we move to Al Barzakh World. Notice that the Quran describes the death of the believers in Allah as in ‘The ones whom the angels take in death, [being] good and pure; [the angels]
will
say,
"Peace be
upon
you’
while
describing the same for the unbelievers as in ‘And if you could but see when the angels take the souls of those who disbelieved... They are striking their faces and their backs.’”
##### On the way back, I was thinking about what Uncle Issa said. I had never heard or read of such things before or at least not that clear. He radically changed the way I think. Although I wasted no time since I finished high school building on my career and taking care of my family well, my worldview was limited to this World of Al Dunya. Never before had I looked upon all stages of my life from the day I was
conceived till Al Akhira World as
one
panoramic view. All I had thought of was to one day become a CEO of a big firm to make my father proud of me. I always loved Allah, and I still do, but I never thought of my servitude to Him. I didn’t think of how I could please Him. My thinking was focused on myself, pivoted on what I wanted, desired, and felt. Even if all my dreams in the world of Al Dunya come true, and I became the richest and strongest,
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what good would that be when I will soon leave all that behind me and head for my destiny. What a shame! How would I confront Allah the day I die? What would I say to Him about my dereliction? How much I contributed to serve Him and make other people know Him as I do now? All the prophets and imams over the history mingled with people helping them to know Allah and serve Him. They sacrificed everything including their lives and their families for that purpose. What did I give? I live with luxury in good life as if I have no duties towards Allah, but I don’t know what I should do. I considered travelling to enroll in religious studies and get back to my community as a dedicated preacher, but I didn’t know how I would earn my living. Tears welled in my eyes and I had to pull over weep.
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Chapter Four
Perpetual Spiral of Life
Perpetual Spiral of Life Al Madina Al Munawara [The Luminous City], July 13th 2001 Many thoughts circulated my head while I was sitting in the mosque of the Prophet (PBUH) oriented to the holy shrine and contemplating the graces of the Prophet on us. The Prophet (PBUH) sacrificed everything, and endured like no other prophet before for the sake of delivering the true message of Islam to us. Now after fourteen hundred years, the Prophet is still alive with Allah, watching our deeds and feeling hurt by our humiliating situation in the world. He feels hurt by our sins and ignorance of Allah's teachings, which the Prophet spent his holy life delivering to us and sacrificed even his household for. I felt shame in the Prophet’s presence; I am one of those who hurt him with my sins. I vowed not to hurt him again. My phone rang at that moment. It was my mother calling me to get back to the hotel. I stood up feeling my legs numb of prolonged squatting posture. I walked to the agreed assembly spot to meet my mother and go back to hotel.
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I was feeling perplexed ever since I heard what Uncle Issa said at the farm. I am eager to dedicate myself to serve Allah. I have read many books about the path to Allah and all pivoted about increasing servitude to Allah, but the problem was that my full daily life doesn’t give me enough room for additional acts of worship. Should I cut down the care I give to my family? That would undoubtedly not satisfy Allah. Should I abandon my pursuit of career development? Perhaps yes, particularly that preparing for exams and working at the same time consumes most of my time and preoccupies my mind. Socializing with other people also takes a lot of my time, particularly after prayer. I read in some books that mingling with people distances us from Allah. “Mohammed!” I startled when my bully sister yelled at me at close distance. Everyone started laughing at me. “You are annoying. Allah will not accept your pilgrimage, and instead, he will give me your reward!” I said angrily, but that only added to her joy. “Will you tell us who the lucky girl is?” my mother whispered on the way. “Who? What?” “The one who is keeping you absent-minded.”
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A hot wave of shyness overtook me. We never spoke about this subject before, and I never thought of it before either. “Mom! You can’t say that in the presence of the Prophet. You know I am not that kind of guy,” I said defensively. “What’s wrong with that? Marriage is desirable not forbidden,” she said. “Yes, but you know I have more important things to think of.” “And you will always have. That does not mean you won’t get married all your life. Didn’t the Prophet say ‘That who gets married has completed half his religion’? is there anything more important than your religion?” she argued. “But who will accept to marry me? You know I intend to go abroad for religious studies as soon as I ensure a source of income. Who would marry a religious scholar? And who will accept to come with me abroad?” I protested. “You don’t worry about that. You just say yes and we will do the rest. Our society is not short of devout girls.” I didn’t fool myself, I liked the idea. It seemed that being busy in self-development and attention about my exams and my work made me overlook this subject. I whispered in my mother’s ear.
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“In this case, find me a beautiful and agile girl. That condition is necessary. I also want her to be generous, good-hearted, innocent and educated. I tell you what; I will give you the list of conditions tomorrow.” “Good,” she laughed.
##### The Omrah pilgrimage was soon over and we went back home. These were the happiest days I had ever in my life. I felt peace and longing to be near Allah and his Prophet. During the pilgrimage, I used to stay all night near the Ka’aba in prayer and meditations. I felt love of Allah filling every bit of me and every cell in my body prayed for Allah. I prayed that Allah enabled me to dedicate myself for His service. What good is life if not for Allah? And here we are once again, back to this world and its every busy life. Years pass while we struggle for earthly needs and a perpetual spiral of life until death snatches us away. Oh God, how much I hate this world and feel eager to leave it. In Al Akhira there are no responsibilities to worry about except worship Allah in a state of love and innocence. O God, take me to you, but then who will take care of my family when I am gone? I can’t let them beg from anyone, not even my uncles. I pray for Allah to let me live long enough to ensure a good life for my family and until my sisters are independent enough
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to take care of my mother and grandmother. But then, what have I prepared for Al Akhira World? What did I give for my religion and the people who Allah loves and who love Allah? What did I give to humanity? I pray that Allah helps me establish a good source of income that allows me to have more time to serve Him. But to establish a good source of income, I have to develop myself and invest part of my income in commercial real estate. But, that means I have to be busy in this world at the expense of worshipping and remembering Allah. No, these are the whispers of satan to trick me. I will trust in Allah and not preoccupy myself with the source of income more than needed. I will dedicate the rest of my time for remembrance of Allah and worshiping Him. I have faith that Allah will arrange things for me in my endeavor. I decided to look for a job in the government;
the
working
hours
are
more
comfortable and the job is less stressful. This shall enable me to have more spare time for worship, especially when my responsibilities pile up with a wife and children. Although I felt good about my decision, I wanted to consult with Uncle Issa. He was away for a few months in the Netherlands, so I started looking for a job in the government and let my mother look for a bride.
#####
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My mother threw in a question about how my future wife should look. That should have been fine if it was not on the dinner table while everyone was listening. “How about Marwa, Aunt Safia’s daughter?” my sister Khadija asked. “Mind your business,” I told her. I used this slightly harsh tone with her when she bullied me. I meant to bully her back, but she seemed to be offended, so I hugged her and apologized. “I will forgive you if you will accept Marwa,” she said. “But I feel she is like my sister,” I said. “I have made a list for you, with photographs,” my mother said. “Can we discuss this later on in private?” My sister Khawla protested, “We have the right to be part of this decision.” “Only if you won’t make fun of it.” “Deal.” We spent a few hours going through the list and discussing each one at length. Finally I picked one, but I had to talk to her and find out how well we got along with each other. My mother asked Uncle Issa’s wife to talk to the girl’s mother for an appointment.
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Two weeks went by before we were told about the approval for the appointment. It was to be at half past five next Thursday evening. I waited impatiently and counted minutes and seconds. I felt it was Allah’s reward for the pilgrimage we just had. Finally, the day of the meeting came and I made sure to be there right on time. I was feeling hot despite turning the air conditioner on, and my heart was pounding fast. The sitting room was elegant and revealed good taste in furnitioning. My mother and I sat on one side, and on the other sat Nada, and her parents, Qasim and Batool. I was joyful, but her father’s questions were tough, as if I was going to snatch his only child from him. I kept myself composed and calm. Half an hour of questioning by her father passed and I didn’t have the chance to talk to my bride-to-be yet. A bit later, things started to ease when my mother gestured at her mother to let us alone to talk. Both of her parents greeted me again and left with my mother. My mother and her mother both sat in the adjacent hall and the door was kept open to our hall. The talk with Nada was great. She shared many of my principles and values. She was very sweet and pure. I liked her and I felt she would like me back. I wished the clock to stop there and then,
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but alas, time passed so quickly and I had yet to tell her about my wish to immigrate for religious scholarship. I believed she wouldn’t mind as she had the same mission in life as I did, but when I told her, she felt disappointed and kept silent as if she was trying to absorb the shock. Then she said she believed in my endeavor, but was not sure she could take it with me. Life was not easy for the wives of religious scholars. The visit was over. I was very sad. I really liked her, perhaps because I never talked to another girl who was not a relative of mine. Or perhaps I felt we had a lot in common. But the price was going to be letting go of my plans to study religion. I was not willing to pay it. I remembered the verse in Quran ‘Have you seen the one who takes as his god his own desire?’ I didn’t have to wait for long. In two days, we received the answer—no. Although I anticipated it, I was frustrated; perhaps I was still hoping that she would
agree
despite
everything.
Yes
I
was
frustrated, but my feelings towards Allah and my willingness to sacrifice for Him were stronger. I felt hot tears running down my cheeks and my heart raced in reverence to Allah. I whispered to Allah: O Lord, please accept this offering from me in your love. I know it is little, but you know I am willing to give everything to you.
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I learned a hard lesson from this experience. I asked my mother to tell up front any future bride about my plans for religious scholarship abroad. And that was it. Months passed and one girl after another let me down, until I thought there were no more girls in town. I had to reduce my prerequisites in the bride, and still I was rejected by every one of them. Each time I was rejected, I felt wounded and hurt in my dignity, and with each rejection, I thought my chances to make a family were fleeting. It is true that I was not thinking of getting married in the beginning, but ever since my mother talked me into it, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It hurt me to see my mother hurt every time I was refused. It must have felt like her only son was a leper. It was pity what
society
had
become—
going
abroad
for
religious scholarship was like a sin or a taboo to some. They won’t have them as in laws. They like those religious scholars and students, but only as long as they stay away from their daughters their own children are not among them. Uncle Issa’s wife suggested I do not reveal my plans for the religious studies, but I refused and considered that to be fraud. Yes it hurt, but I remained upright, loved Allah and embraced even more.
#####
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With time, I managed to root the attachment to my career from my heart. I quit chasing promotions,
but
made
sure
to
fulfill
my
commitments at work as Allah taught us. I reduced my interaction with people and stayed silent for long periods, reiterating supplications at all times. Allah was present in my mind at all times even when I slept and I dreamt of being in paradise with good people. Allah rewarded me for that by helping me quit listening to the songs. I hadn’t listened to them since I took vows at the shrine of the Prophet. I became quieter and calmer. My servitude to Allah strengthened, but this did not last. In a few months, a terrifying feeling creaped in my heart. I started feeling that I am superior toward others. While I was dedicating my time for Allah and sacrificing everything for Him, others were oblivious in their earthly world chasing material goals. They seldom remembered Allah and they were not as genuine in prayer. Yes, I was closer to Allah than them. I started to notice that I couldn’t cry while praying and the warmth I used to have in my relationship with Allah started to become colder. I even stopped fearing Allah; why would He punish me when I don’t commit sins anymore? O God, I missed the old days when I had those sincere feelings towards Allah. I recognized what was wrong with me. It was a condition called
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“Ojob(15)”, and it was more of a curse. I had read about it once. It is a serious disease of the soul, particularly of the devout ones and it disintegrates faith and servitude to Allah. It is worse than the obsessions induced by Satan. In fact, Ojob is the disease that brought Satan down as a cursed being. I was mentally terrified, but paradoxically, I was emotionally fine. I prayed for Allah to lift this curse. I asked religious scholars how to treat it, but to no avail. Time passed quickly, and that was not in by interest. With each passing moment, this disease was metastasizing in my soul and attacking my mind as well. I began to think that I do not have Ojob. I realized that with this pace, I may end up like Satan. No way, I would do anything to get back to Allah. I had only one solution, one that I never dared to consult with anyone about, but I did it anyway and hoped to be right. I reverted back to listening songs and limited my prayers to those that are mandatory. I started socializing with people once again. I resumed my camping activities with my
friends
like
before.
We
had
fun
without
committing any sins. I also joined a program for the American Chartered Accounting (CPA) with intention to appear for examinations in the coming May. Within days of joining the CPA program, what I feared did happen. The financial officer managed to 15 “Ojob” is a state when one feels he is good and deserves to be rewarded by Allah. It is not a mere cognition, but associated with a feeling of worthiness of the rewards and unworthiness of punishment. [Translator]
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convince the new regional manager that I am incompetent and that it is best to get rid of me. Both of them requested me to resign and they offered a compensation of three months salary. It was a shock to me. I resigned. I didn’t understand, why me? What was happening to me? Is it a punishment of Allah? Why would Allah turn his wrath on me? Was it because I was afflicted with ojob? Was it my fault to have it? It had gotten into me without my intention. Can you blame the sick for getting sick? Or perhaps Allah was angry at me because I tried to solve the problem of ojob in a wrong way? But was there any other way I could follow? Could this be just another test by Allah? But what sort of test was to have ojob, lose the job that provides for my family and not finding a girl who would marry me? But why was I portraying things this way? Maybe it was the way life goes and I am just another unlucky person. I should not distract myself or otherwise I would be chasing my tail. Whatever happened is past, the future is in the hand of Allah and I have to look toward that. I have to be positive and not submit to obsessions or despair. I have to search harder for the job, even if it is in the private sector. I should welcome every failure I face and then ignore it as if it never happened and move on. That would please Allah with me. I have to work harder for the CPA abd that would improve my chances to get a better job.
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I don’t know how many months passed in this situation, but I was persistent and determined. I didn’t allow feelings of despair or boredom to discourage me despite all the rejections I had, both in looking for job and for a wife. The bright side of it was that I started to regain my old relationship with Allah, but this time I was vigilant not to proceed too fast lest I lose it like before. However, since I had come back from the pilgrimage, I had failed in everything. I was sacked from the job. I had failed to find another one, a girl to marry and get closer to Allah. O God, I have no more desire to live. If you will not allow me closer to you, and then just take me, don’t let me live with sins.
##### Thursday, February 7th 2002, Afternoon I was happily swinging on the swing and rhyming cantata when Uncle Issa showed up. “Uncle!” I jumped off the swing and hugged him. “When did you come back? Why didn’t your wife tell us so we could come to airport?” “I told her not to; I wanted to surprise you.” “A good surprise.”
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‘Where is everyone?’ “My mother and grandmother went for some visits to neighbors. Khadija and Khawla went for a lesson in the mosque.” “And you found it suitable to try your voice out loud.” “Was it so loud?” I asked. “No, just kidding you.” “Have you heard what happened to me?” I asked. “Yes, I was following it up. What happened since we last talked on the farm?” “I need to talk to you. Would you walk with me on the Corniche till the time of Maghrib prayers?” I asked. “Yes, why not.” The breeze was cool on the Corniche and the tide was high and splashing mist in the face, which made it refreshing to walk. I told Uncle Issa everything I have been through since we were back from the pilgrimage; apart from that I started listening to the songs again. Instead, I used the expression
‘something
wrong
I
do’.
It
was
embarrassing, but I needed his advice.
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He was silent for a long period, maybe gathering his thoughts, or maybe despising me for the wrong I do. “Mohammed, can I be honest with you?” “Of course, that’s why I told you everything so you can help me overcome this,” I said uneasily. “Despite the wrong you said you are doing, I have no doubt you are good and love Allah a lot. Allah rewarded you with good faith, but whatever happened to you after the pilgrimage is because of you.” “Me? How?” “You tried with your own hands and will to prevent yourself from three of the most important ways leading to Allah.” “Me? No way.” “First, you left your pursuit in developing your career. Second, you left socializing with people. Third, you tended to be silent and avoided talking.” “But I did that to have more time to worship Allah and avoid forbidden acts that result from interacting with people. And how do these three things lead to Allah?” I was perplexed. “Remember when we discussed on the farm how the real servitude to Allah is the level of intensity of existence we have? And how that intensity
121
of
existence
is
made
of
our
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Perpetual Spiral of Life
capabilities, skills and knowledge? And how our existence becomes more intense proportionally with the
strengthening
of
our
good
attributes
and
capacities? How these unite with ourselves?” “Yes, I remember that.” “Then how do you think we can obtain these skills
other
than
living
life
and
experiencing
challenges? The more challenges we face, and the more persistent we are to overcome it, the stronger we get and thus the closer we get to Allah.” “That’s right. I don’t know how I missed that.” “Does
career
development
enhance
our
capacities to perform and achieve?” “Yes, it does.” “Then, your career development greatly led you toward Allah and made you happier and fulfilled in this life as well.” “That is right; I don’t know what got into me.” “The same applies to social interaction with people and to talking.” “Uncle, isn’t the love of this world the doorway to all sins?” I asked. “That is right, but you understand it wrong. It is the way to sins if you forget the afterlife. The Prophet said: ‘Al Duniya is the farm for Al Akhira’; whatever we grow here, we shall harvest there. The
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balanced equation between Al Duniya and Al Akhira is what Imam Ali (PBUH) said: ‘Work for your Duniya as though you shall live forever, and work for
your
Akhira
as
though
you
shall
die
tomorrow.’” “What about that sin, I mean wrongdoing, I commit and can’t quit? Can I still get closer to Allah while I do that?” “I appreciate that you kept that thing to yourself. I am not sure if that thing you do is a real sin or you just exaggerate it.” He then kept silent for a while and picked a pebble on the fence and threw it in the sea. “The sin is a sin, and we shall not take it lightly and we must repent and try to quit as much as we can. But at the same time, we should not allow it to stop us getting closer to Allah, even if we could not quit doing it, “We
can
increase
our
integration
and
development and get closer to Allah even with the weaknesses we have towards few things. The Prophet said, “The slave reaches, with his good manners, the highest levels at Al Akhira and honorable status, though he is weak in devotions” and he also said ‘If it had not been that you are repenting
after
your
sins,
Allah
would
have
created another set of creatures who repent after sinning. Believers repent after sins. Have you not heard Allah’s saying: ‘Allah loves those who are
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constantly repentant and loves those who purify themselves?’ And also said: ‘Seek forgiveness of your Lord and repent to Him.’ “Do you know that there are many texts narrated from Ahlil Bait [family of the prophet] which indicate that believer has better connection with Allah when he is in a state of suffering and guilt even if he has sinned. Contemplate the quote of Imam Sadiq, ‘Allah knew that sinning is better than ojob for the believers, otherwise, he would have not let any believer sin.’” “I am the best one to appreciate this quote,” I smiled. Uncle Issa laughed and sat on the bench. I sat beside him and said, “I need to know more about the way to Allah.” “The problem with the conventional books about the way to Allah is that they either propose practices that are offensive to human nature and violate the Islamic doctrines or they revolve around the prayer and remembrance of Allah and the specific devotions, which are great, but shouldn’t limit the way to Allah.” “What do you mean by the specific devotions? Are there also general devotions?” “Yes, there are. The general intention of devotions is to do everything as a service to Allah and in accordance to his will.”
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“Seems difficult.” “The difficulty is to reach close to the top of the way, but you can very well reach high levels. Imam Zain Al Abideen said in the prayer named as (Abi Hamza Al Thumali), ‘That who travels to you is close; You are not veiled of Your creatures, but their deeds cover them of You.’ Do not forget that Allah created us to pursue Him and He would help us to reach to Him.” “I realized this notion also, by experience. Please go on,” I urged him. “I am not qualified in this. I am not a religious scholar, and this matter requires a high degree of knowledge and experience.” “But I have no one else. I need to understand more about it.” “Fine, but not now. Let’s go pray now, and then I have to go home. Why don’t you and your family come tomorrow to the farm so we can talk?” “I would love to, but I have to ask my mother. I will call you.” #####
The breeze was cool and refreshing in the farm. I was walking with Uncle Issa between the trees. He was silent and trying to gather his
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thoughts, but when he started to talk, I said ‘Do you mind if I record this? I want to hear it over again.’ “No problem.” I removed the recorder from my pocket and started recording. “I was reading The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven Covey. You know it was one of the best sellers for some time. One quote in the book caught my attention— ‘We could spend weeks, months,
even
years
laboring
with the
personality ethic trying to change our attitudes and behaviors and not even begin to approach the phenomenon of change that occurs spontaneously when we see things differently. It becomes obvious that if we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms.’ This is what the holy Quran stress on, ‘To Him ascends good speech, and righteous work raises it,’ As well as the Prophet when he said, ‘The intention of the believer is better than his deed,’ “In the realm of getting closer to Allah, we have first to realize that the targeted change has to start with our feelings, and perceptions rather than our behaviors and deeds. The most important factor that enables us changing ourselves and getting
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closer to Allah is the set of concepts and instructions that Islam established in us through the Fitra, which includes the Islamic doctrines as well.” “You mean like Al Tawheed (16) and Divine Justice.” “Yes and also like the belief that Allah’s creation of us is nothing but goodness and bestowal and generosity. He bestows existence on anything that could be. Do you remember when I previously told you that the intensity of our existence and our servitude to Allah are two sides of the same coin?” “Yes, I was very impressed by the notion.” “Then it is time to take it one step further. There are, in fact, three aspects. The intensity of existence, the servitude to Allah, and the level of appreciation of happiness and misery. The more intense the existence becomes, the stronger the servitude to Allah, and the higher the appreciation of happiness and misery.” “Why misery? Is the existence not supposed to makes us happy?” ‘Maybe in Al Duniya World, but after that, the level of intensity of our existence determines our appreciation of happiness or misery. What really determines whether we are happy or miserable is our realization of the servitude to Allah and how far
16 Al Tawheed is the doctrine of monotheism.
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this affects us in our behavior. The more positive it is, the more our happiness becomes until we ourselves become The Happiness and vice versa. Note how great is the mercy and love of Allah for us. He made our goal in life to increase our servitude to Him and getting closer to Him.’ “and the more we bond to him as His slaves, the happier we become and the more intense our existence,
but
what
do
we
exactly
mean
by
servitude.” “Servitude to Allah means to set free from every other bond around you and from every injustice in the world and from all negative emotions like fear, anxiety, weakness and even self-slavery. Nothing in the world, no matter how small or big, should affect you other than Allah.” “I think this notion is indicated in the Quran ‘Allah is the ally of those who believe. He brings them out from darkness into the light. And those who disbelieve - their allies are Tyrants. They take them out of the light into darkness,’ and in ‘Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth.’” “That’s right. That person who attains this level of servitude to Allah is called (The Perfect Human), and he is our means to get closer to Allah and for integration.” “Uncle, what do you mean by integration?”
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“Growth
and
development
of
ourselves
including our humanitarian values and skills in harmony and proportion. No one skill to lag behind the others until all reach peak levels and root in our conscious and subconscious mind. It should appear in
everything
we
do,
and
should
unite
with
ourselves. The most important of these values is our realization of our servitude to Allah.” “And how can we get ourselves to such a level of servitude?” “Allah outlined the methodology for us. It includes practicing normal daily life in accordance with Islamic guidelines in a balanced way. All your humanitarian values and ethics should grow in a comprehensive and balanced way. The love and satisfaction of Allah should be your direct guide at each moment of your life, “The Islamic Shari’a (17) is a training program that Allah approved for our growth and for the development of the community. It is harmonious with the basic human nature as well as the cosmic laws.
This
is
the
general
approach,
but
the
applications are as many as the breaths of all creatures. Each man has a unique make of potential and attributes that he inherited and each man has a different surrounding environment and different challenges and events.” 17 Islamic Shari’a is the set of rules and regulations set by Islamic legislator to organize life at the level of individuals, communities, and nations. [Translator]
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“I tried to follow the Islamic guidelines as much as I understand it, but I almost fell into a deep abyss of the Ojob.” I said. “That is true; you could be honest and hard worker, but you still could miss the right way due to ignorance
of
the
right
Islamic
guidelines
or
negligence. However, both could be remedied.” “And what is that remedy?” “Ignorance in Islamic guidelines can be treated by learning and reading the Quran and the holy quotes of the Prophet as well as the supplications and contemplation. The negligence, on the other hand, can be remedied by solitude and self-auditing daily at night, even if it were briefly for half an hour. Having good friends and advisors helps also.” Memories of my childhood friendship with Amer flooded me. He was the only friend who could be described as the honest advisor. “Are you still in here?” “Yes. I just remembered one of my dearest friends. Please continue.” “The core idea is that your ability to enact humanitarian values and faculties depends on three factors in you. Your desire, your practice and your psychological nature.”
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“And by the psychological nature, you mean the set of skills, faculties, mental images and mental maps that we used to talk about?” “That’s right, our psychology is continually changing. It is the sum of all of your responses to all of the stimuli that you come across in your life no matter how small and whether you know about or you not.” “In this case, why did Allah judge Abu Lahab (18) and Satan before their lives are over? Could they have not repented before death?” “Allah knew that they would not repent. The possibility of any change of any attribute, habit or mental image in you depends on the three factors I just mentioned. Let me say it again; your desire to change, your behavior and how deep this thing is rooted in you. Wickedness could be so strong in a person due to his desires and practices to the degree that the person and wickedness become one and impossible to part, as did happen with Satan. The Quran described this as “Allah has set a seal upon their hearts.” On the other hand, beauty and perfection could become so much in a person, also due to his desires and practices, to the degree that perfection unites with him and impossible to part with him, as did with the infallibles.” He said.
18 Abu Lahab was the paternal uncle of Prophet Mohammed and one of the enemies Islam. [Translator]
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“This would shed light on this verse in the Quran ‘Say, [O Muhammad], "Shall we inform you of the greatest losers as to [their] deeds? (103) [They are] those whose effort is lost in worldly life, while they think that they are doing well in work.’ The verse indicates those whom ugliness becomes part of them because of their deeds; they believe the good is bad and vice versa, right?” I asked. “True, the psychological nature of any person is the lens, through which he looks to the world and interacts with it in daily life. You may look at the sea and see beauty and goodness. You may feel the sound of waves as music. You, also, may look at it as a terrifying mysterious giant and feel the sound of waves as a sad rhyme for all those who drowned in it. Sunset may give you gripping feelings, or it may mean peace and beauty to you. You maybe somewhere and hear somebody’s mobile phone’s ringtone that used to be yours when you received a bad news and that awakens bad feelings in you or the opposite in different circumstances. All that is related to your mental maps. Maybe this is the reason for the obvious concern felt in Quran and in the books of supplications and the rest of our religious
practices
about
changing
our
mental
imagery and mapping and making it healthier and more positive and with more monotheistic servitude and on leaving behind all negative feelings of fear and weakness.
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“Not only that, our psychological environment naturally
and
spontaneously
determines
our
responses at various daily issues.” He said that and thought for moments before adding with a slow tone of emphasis “Of course we can act in discordance to our psychology, negatively or positively.” “I think you lost me here.” "If your psychology is of purity, strong will, and love of good, and is in accordance with the fitra and there are no psychological obstacles, you can attain values and skills that will take you closer to Allah with a mere desire, but practice will enhance that. “Your continuous practice of any value or attribute, good or bad, ingrains it in you, even if you don’t want to. It finally becomes one with you and impossible to part with you.” “Ok. Let’s take the example of someone who feels sad seeing the sunset. What can he do?” I asked. “First, you have to understand the reasons for these feelings in you. You have to dive deep in your memories and find what caused the problem. Focus and concentrate in your search, and when you get tired, forget it for a while. Get back to the task again later, maybe three times a day. This will stimulate your subconscious mind to work on it even when you are asleep. You may get to the
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bottom of it immediately, or it may take several days of weeks, but, you will, most likely, get to it eventually. Now, it could be that your boss, who likes the orange color in his clothing, is not so good with you, giving you bad days at work and sunsets, therefore, could be evoking subconscious memories of him.” “What if the reason goes back to childhood?” I prompted him for more. “You may have been scared of demons and ghosts at night, and sunsets are telling you that night is just starting. These negative feelings would have stayed in there if not properly treated. The mere knowledge of the reason helps you uncouple your vague feelings of sunsets with the old stimuli. We talked about the desire and the psychology, but you still need the practice. To establish the new positive attitudes towards the sunset, while you watch sunset, you should practice something that used to give you feelings of relaxation like a walk with a friend on the beach. This practice shall replace the old negative association with a new positive one.” He took few breaths after saying this. “I have been using this method since I passed the high school crisis, and it works quite well,” I said. “This makes you in closer contact with your subconscious mind, and it strengthens your selfesteem and thus makes you in better ablility to take
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care of your own issues and development. You may eventually become capable of changing your mental mapping without much practice.” “That, too, happened to me some time ago.” “Then you are lucky. I am still unable to do that. Anyway, these three elements are realized through practicing daily life in a positive way by struggling and striving to make it better, both materially and morally, and in accordance with the guidance of the Islamic legislation. “By leading a positive life, we grow, learn, and become wiser and transcend with our morals and souls
to
love
Allah
and
his
attributes.
Our
responsibilities to our families, jobs, communities, and all of humanity become more welcome and comforting. We love more all humans and each and everything else in the universe. We become purer and
more
beautiful
and
perfect.
Our
psyches
become free of ills. We know Allah better and relate to Him stronger.” “That is a wonderful life you are describing.” I said. “It is. Islam does not view life as evil. On the contrary, Imam Ali describes it as ‘Al Duniya is a home of honesty for the honest ones, a home of prosperity for that who prepares in it, a home of salvation for that who understood it. It is where Allah’s revelation descended, and where Prophets
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of Allah prayed, and a store in which Allah’s allies gain mercy and win the paradise’ “How could anything Allah created be evil? It would not be good to cocoon in Al Duniya and forget what is beyond. Conversely, the good is in investing life to gain what is beyond Al Dunya.” “In this case, asceticism in Al Duyna for the sake of full-time dedication of worship denies us the opportunity to transcend ourselves to Allah, right?” “Indeed, the real test is not in not getting wet while walking on the banks of the river, the real test is to swim and dive in the river and stay dry. This won’t come without long practice. That is why Allah created Al Duniya for us to practice. The test is to struggle in this world with all your capacity to earn your living, to make life easy for your family and kids, to educate your kids in the best schools, to live in a comfortable house, to drive the best of cars, and yet, not to be captive of these pleasures. Success is being ascetic in these pleasures whilst having them, so that if you had to lose it, you won’t fall apart. If you could do that, then you are a true ascetic. And then you would have to practice it till it roots in you and becomes one with you. Allah said in Quran ‘In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult [in pride] over what He has given you.’” “I heard once that asceticism is not owning things, but not being owned by things.” I said.
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“Remember that your goal is not being fully dedicated to Allah while you are leading a life of solitude and loneliness, but rather to be fully dedicated to Allah while you live fully with people. The challenge is to continue not seeing other than Allah when you are amidst all those things and people in life. Your goal is to be dedicated to Allah while you eat, sleep, study, work, play with your kids, have fun with your friends, and live every details of your life. Dedication to Allah shall not mask life, and your life shall not mask your dedication to Allah. There is not exclusivity in these two, they perfectly overlap.” “Uncle, would you elaborate on the issue of overlap and no-exclusivity please?” “You watched any of the good soccer players? Have you seen how that player gives everything he has to the game?” He asked. “Yes.” I was not sure where he is going. “Why do you think they are so deeply involved in the game?” “Because winning and having the cup is their ultimate goal.” “Yes, they give everything they have because they have a dream and they are so deeply immersed in that dream that it takes over their minds and emotions and inspires them to give their best.”
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“That is true.” “So their concentration and focus on playing is in perfect line with their goal of winning the cup. In fact, it is their prime driver and motivator.” “Indeed.” I agreed “They wouldn’t do as good if they lost sight of the cup.” Silence fell in for a long moment and I looked down pondering on what he said. “But how do we know we will have the necessary challenges to develop all aspects of our personalities?” I restarted the dialogue. “You would be responsible for that. Through the practice of solitude and self-auditing as well as by contemplation and meditation. “But you can also rest assured that if you are honest in your endeavor, Allah will lead your way. He said in Quran ‘And those who strive for Us - We will surely guide them to Our ways’. “You are required to live your life in a positive and balanced way and try your best to develop, and Allah will do the rest.” “So, Allah wants us to enjoy the allowed pleasures of life, and even to pursue it in a positive and balanced way. That pursuit encompasses the challenges we need to develop and integrate. The challenge would be not to fall captive of these
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pleasures, right?” I tried to paraphrase the notions to make sure I got it right. “Yes. To go a step further, Allah wants us to love ourselves but not to be captive to it. To put it more clearly, Allah wants us to dissolve in Him and have no other entity other than His, not even our own entity.” “How can one break free of his own self?” “Our pursuit of fulfilling our bodily needs strengthens our attachments to our Selves and we might end up pivoting around it, but Allah wants us to break free of that attachment. This attachment is a barrier to getting close to Allah as happened with Satan. Allah, therefore, asks us to practice giving and altruism and to wish good for others as we wish that for ourselves and to help others get what they need, considering it much more impprtant than Pilgrimage! “Pilgrimage is a great act of worship and lasts for several days during which we get closer to Allah; helping someone to get what he wants may not take more than few minutes, but it helps us to move out of our self-centralism. “Islam outlined four axes for individuals’ lives, and asks us to pursuit it in a balanced way and in accordance to the guidance of Islamic legislation. These are: first, the pursuit of fulfilling the basic human needs in a balanced way, second, self-
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development, third, giving to others, and guiding them to do good and abstain from doing evil, and fourth, continuous of worship and remembrance of Allah“
##### Two weeks passed after my last talk with uncle Issa, but I can still hear it echoing in me. This discussion was crucial for me; my views to life were radically changed. I started looking to everything in a different spontaneous way. I saw everything and every event, good or bad, as a path to Allah. I used to use my will and determination to stay positive and fight feelings of anxiety and pain, but now, I feel happy and peaceful from within. All that goes around me is just another challenge and test to give me more opportunities to get closer to Allah. Eid Al Adha (19) approached and I was feeling much better than I did in Eid Al Fitr (20) that was not so happy. We enjoyed spending few days in the farm of uncle Issa and his family. Right after the 19 Eid Al Adha, also called Feast of the Sacrifice, the Major Festival is an important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide to honor the willingness of the prophet ʾIbrāhīm (Abraham) to sacrifice his young first-born son Ismā'īl (Ishmael) as an act of submission to God's command and his son's acceptance to being sacrificed, before God intervened to provide Abraham with a Lamb to sacrifice instead. [Translator: from Wikipedia]
20 Eid Al Fitr, also called Feast of Breaking the Fast and the Lesser Eid, is an important religious holiday celebrated by Muslims worldwide that marks the end of Ramadan holy month.
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holidays of the Eid, I got a job offer from an international auditing company that used to audit my previous employer. I had the interview some time ago. The salary was 20 percent lower than my earlier salary, but the job was the one I looked for. The managing partner promised me a raise after completion of my CPA. As I had no other choice, and since I only had a couple of months to finish my CPA, I took the job. It seems good things come together as well; as soon as I got back home, my mother told me she found a good girl for me and who is very likely to accept my plans of religious studies abroad. She was in her last year of college. I asked them to ask her hand immediately, but I was prepared for the worse. Few days later, I was told she requested a couple of months to think since she was just out of another engagement that lasted a couple of years. I respected her request and started the wait.
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Chapter Five
Love Makes Miracles
Love Makes Miracles Days passed slowly; I counted hours and minutes waiting for Sara’s answer. I couldn’t help thinking she will reject me as others did. Luckily, I didn’t have much of spare time these days. I was busy in my new job and the final preparations for the CPA. I had to reduce my social hours and my trips to the mosque and cut down my sleep to less than four hours daily. But even then, I couldn’t help think of her time and over. The two months finished and I was waiting for the answer even more eagerly. This was not a good time to stress out, not when I was about to appear for my exams. I flied to the states for the exams feeling distracted between my exams and my future bride. I did four exams over two days, each exam lasting around four hours. It was very exhausting but exciting, especially when there were hundreds of others from all over the world in the hall. Most important was that, contrary to what I kept hearing about the exams, I found it easy. The next day, I was on my way back home and this time, I had the luxury of daydreaming all the nice things I wanted in the coming days. I had many dreams about the
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Love Makes Miracles
new job, the results of my CPA, and most of all, the answer of Sara.
##### The answer, finally, came on. I couldn’t believe it. It was a dream I never thought will realize. Sara said yes. May 27th 2002 will be a day to celebrate for the rest of my life. I loved Sara the moment I heard her name, even before I knew much about her or even see her. I felt towards her what I never felt towards any other girl before. I felt I knew her for long. Sara lost both of her parents early in her life in a car accident when they way on their way from Muscat to Dubai, and since then, she has been cared of by her elder sister. Her family is well known
for
its
religious
dedication,
outstanding
morals, and sharp wits. It caught my notice what I heard about her strict hijab. The meeting took place in her sister’s house. It was a luxurious house in the Shati Al Qurum area. For a while I felt all this is bigger than I am; I always lived as a modest and poor guy, and although my financials are not so bad now, I certainly can’t afford to provide all this. We went in, me my mother, and uncle Issa’s wife. The gathering was wonderful and friendly.
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After a while, our folks quietly withdrew to the other side of the hall where they can see but can’t hear us. Despite all the feelings I had towards Sara, I managed to stay composed. Sara was poised all the time and talked maturely. After a long talk, we got to know more about each other and then she took me off guard with a question “You know why I broke up my last engagement?” “No,” I replied, “I asked, but couldn’t know.” “My ex-fiancé insisted that we live in his family’s home.” “Is that a problem?” I asked. “Yes, all my life I dreamt of my own home. If I lived with my mother in law, then I will be under her watch and won’t feel my own. I will be a guest in her house.” “It will be your house.” “No, it won’t, and I will not allow myself to dispute with my mother in law at her house. If you want me, then we must live elsewhere. That is not negotiable.” That was very frustrating. She said it in a stern way. I can’t give up my family, even if I had to spend the rest of my life unmarried. “What if I told you I can’t let go my family? Think about it, if I let them go now, what makes you sure I won’t do that to you tomorrow?”
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She thought about it for a while, then said, “God forbid I ask you to let them down or part with them. You can spend with them all you like. We can have dinner at your mother’s house every night, but we must have our own house. You are about to make a new family, and you will have two families, not one, so you will need to have some privacy in each one.” I was took a back with her logic. I never thought about from this angle. She was right, but I couldn’t tell my mother about it. “Let me sleep on it for few days.” I requested. “I am sorry to put you in this tough situation, but I want you to know that I like you mother a lot and feel that she is the mother I lost at my childhood, but then, I would have done the same if my mother was alive” “I understand. I will get back to you in few days” I said that with a pale smile. On the way home, I told my mother and uncle Issa’s wife about this and expected the worst, but was astonished to see that they agreed with Sara in her view.
##### The engagement was good and we agreed to get married three months later, in August, few weeks after she would start working as a teacher. I didn’t have enough savings to furnish a house, not
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after I spent a good chunk of it in getting the CPA, so I had to borrow from the bank. The new car’s loan, the previous loan from the bank, the rent of the new house, and the monthly aid I gave to my mother were covering almost all my salary. I hardly had anything left for another house, but then, I was promised to get a raise after the CPA, and I am almost about to get the results. I was shocked after opening the envelop at the post office to see that I only passed two modules, and failed the other two by only 1 or 2% of the grade. It wasn’t just frustrating, it was almost crushing. I needed the cash, and it wasn’t the right time to fail. I should be getting married three days later. I felt my chest gripping, and as usual in similar circumstances, I went to the place that makes me feel better – the beach. After few hours of despair, I made few decisions. I will reappear for the exams in November this year, three months later and I will get a top up of the loan by two thousand riyals.
##### Today, Saturday, is my first working day after the wonderful honeymoon in Turkey, but as much I wished to stay in the honeymoon, as much I was eager to get back to the working life.
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I fixed tea and breakfast for me and Sara, who was still sleeping. I woke her up, we had the breakfast, and then we both left, each in his own car to work. I was getting late; it was half past eight when I left home. The secretary called to check if I was coming and I reassured her I am on my way. Upon reaching the office, there was a surprise waiting for me: my colleagues prepared a small reception party for me and they gave me a nice watch as a wedding gift. That was a great start of work and it sure injected some enthusiasm in my blood. I needed it as I was going to participate in a preliminary audit for a bank that was one of our most important clients. The auditing period was not supposed to exceed a month, but because of the corrupted monitoring systems in the bank, it took me a little more than two months, but at the end of the task, my report was professional. I outlined ten major weaknesses in the monitoring systems of the bank and
provided
correctional
recommendations.
I
realized that this report meant a problem for both the bank and my firm, but I couldn’t help but be honest in my work. Few days later, and just before my travel to the States for exams, I was summoned by the Partner at his office. He congratulated me for the wedding, and praised my skills in auditing and
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thanked me for it. During this time I was expecting “a but” and anticipated being reprimand for the report, but when I didn’t find it, I asked him if he expects me to make alterations in the report. The question surprised him and he didn’t feel good about it. I sighed within and thought I must have either misjudged him or overrated my report. At the end of the meeting, he congratulated me for the good results in the CPA and ensured me that he will give me a raise as soon as I pass the two exams next week. He, however, asked me to add one sentence in the report: ‘there is a set of alternative and effective monitoring procedures in the bank and sufficient for its work.’ I smiled and said “I can’t”. Once again I expected a rage response, but once again he surprisingly said, “no problem, forget about it.” Later on that day, my direct supervisor told me the Partner asked him to add this sentence to the report and countersign it. He did it and was not too happy about it. It wasn’t, he told me, the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last.
##### My trip to the States lasted a week. When I got back to work, I found that my life turned to hell. The Partner wanted me to resign, which I couldn’t afford to before I complete the two years required for my CPA. The local labor law didn’t allow him to
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fire me, so he used the “bone crushing strategy”. He spared no opportunity to humiliate me and show me as a failure. He overwhelmed me with work, and even downgraded my pay. He continuously tasked me to remote areas, and used many ways to stress me out. In the beginning, I felt very stressed, finding myself in tight situations. I couldn’t believe it is happening to me, with premeditated intent that it comes of a mentality so used to devious methods and
conspiracies.
Then,
as
the
aggravations
escalated and my life at work worsened, I hated getting up at morning and needed more sleep, perhaps to evade the painful time at work. I found myself eroding from within, and it reflected on my family and home. I was unable to focus at work either. My ties to Allah remained strong, but at the Thursday night in the last week of January, my heart pounded as I invocated to Allah and prayed as quoted in Quran ‘Indeed, I am overpowered, so help.’ At that night, when I was listening to the Supplication of Kumail, I decided not to give in for the pressures. How could I, when I know this is my opportunity to become what Allah wants me to become? I must be stronger gather myself. At midnight, when it was so quiet, I got up and sneaked to the balcony. The breeze was cool and refreshing. I filled in my lungs with air, trying to wash out all the stress. I prostrated and prayed deeply. I got up and thought it over. The more I
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thought, the more I realized I am up to a boss, who would not let me without either pushing me to resign or breaking me down, neither of which I could allow. I had to stay in shape until I moved on to another company after I complete my two years in this one, which was the requirement of my chartered accountant certifications. I almost did one year, and I had one more to go. I decided to use the “don’t care strategy” and stay composed. I decided to focus on acquiring as much experience as I could meanwhile, so I had to stay for long hours averaging 11 hours daily. I also decided to keep everything related to work at the doorstep of work. My time at home was for my wife, and she didn’t ask for more than I be happy at home. The plan worked well and I was rewarded by a pleasant surprise. I passed the last two exams. I needed this, not only to demand a raise, but to stay tall at the company, even in an international auditing company like I work for; those who have this certification are handful. It induces feelings of awe in everyone, for it requires not only so much of preparation, but also a high mental potential; at least, this is what they kept saying. In the world of auditing,
this
certificate
standard
and
renders
is
considered
those
who
have
a
real it
as
professional auditors. God, that feels great!
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The next morning I was the first to reach the company, and awaited the Partner to show him that I am resistant to breaking techniques, and to demand a raise, and probably to open a clean slate. It seems, though, I don’t read people well. I was expecting him to feel bad, but far from that, he was happy to hear the news, or so he seemed. He congratulated me for the achievement. I requested the raise, but his answer was a clear “No.” He said I don’t deserve it because I am not good at work, and my performance is not as expected. He said he had to demote me to less than a graduate in my pay grade. That was too much for me to take; I couldn’t speak a word. I left his office and went to the beach. I went for a swim with all my clothes on me, perhaps the cold waters could put off my fire.
##### It was so frustrating; my salary was not enough for my financial responsibilities. I suggested to my wife we move to my mother’s house to save rent, but she totally refused and I couldn’t push her; it was her condition to begin with. I had no other choice than to move to another job, with a bigger salary, especially that I was a CPA. That was not a pleasant choice; in order to get better in auditing, and to get the fellowship of CPA,
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I need at least two years’ experience in this company, of which I only had one. Moving to another company would mean I throw away all my goals for this phase and to start over, probably with another set of goals. I was incensed at the Partner. Wouldn’t have if my financials were good, but with this situation, I was cursing him for all the problems I had. That night, I was driving to my mother’s house for dinner. My wife was talking as usual, but she noticed I was somewhere else. I sighed and said “Allah curse him.” My wife was stunned to hear me curse, “Sweetheart. You are not the kind that curses people, no matter what they do.” “You have no idea what trouble we are in.” I said a bit harshly. This seemed to hurt her; her eyes welled up. “I have been in this with you since we got married. How could you say I have no idea about it?” “I am sorry honey. Please forgive me.” “Only if you won’t say it again. One more thing.” “Yes?” “Smile and leave it to Allah.” “I will smile, but I can’t just forget our problems.”
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“Few days ago, you said Allah wants us to face our problems with a positive attitude, didn’t you?” “Yes I did.” “I don’t see much of positivity here.” “You are right.” “Don’t let it show up on you. We are going to your mother’s house. I don’t want her to know or feel you have any problems. We don’t want to burden her with that.” “You got it.” When we were about to get into my mother’s house, she whispered to me “Please pretend to be happy. I don’t want them to think I give you problems.” “I AM happy honey because you are with me.”
##### In the darkness of the night at the beach, I took her hand and embraced it in passion. The breeze was cool in February. We walked bare-feet on the soft sands and listened to the sounds of the deep waves. We walked for few minutes, savoring the majestic beauty of the sea and discharging our negative feeling in it.
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“Why all this is happening,” I said in muffled pain. “Why do people cheat, and lie? Why are they so evil?” “Sweetheart, forgive your boss. Satan seduces people to do these things.” She answered with a sweat smile. Her infinite goodness makes me love her even more. “I forgave him, but I don’t think Satan is the reason. Man, himself, is responsible for his own deeds. All that Satan is doing is to cheer for him. It is much like a soccer game; we are the players, and Satan is the spectators.” “Right, but why does Allah allow Satan to seduce us?” “I don’t know the answer despite that I have been thinking about it for years. Anyway, let us think about our problem.” “Ok, what is the worst thing you fear?” she asked. “The worst already occurred. The Partner refused to increase my salary and I have to find another
job
and
throw
away
the
two
years’
experience that I need. These two years meant a lot to me.” “And how much do you expect to be paid in the new job?”
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“With the CMA and CPA and the experience I have, I expect an administrative job in accounts or finance with at least 2000 riyals pay.” “We calculated our monthly needs around 1300 riyals, right?” “That’s right, but I am not worried about the salary. I feel sorry to leave the company and my goals with it behind my back. I wanted to be good in auditing.” “To get the fellowship, right?” she interjected. “Right.” "Wrong. You can move to another international auditing company to patch up the two years’ experience.
I
am
confident
that
with
your
experience and qualification and that you are a citizen, you will be head-hunted by all auditing companies.” “But I don’t like jumping from one job to another; keep in mind I plan to move from auditing to services sector as soon as I get my experience.” “You make it sound like a disaster.” She grinned. I pondered on that for some time. Once again, she is right and I was creating unnecessarily additional stress to myself just by clinging to my comfort zone.
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“You are still 24 years old. This is the time many people start their carrier, but you are already way ahead. You have qualifications very few people in the country have. Don’t overlook all that just because you don’t like to switch jobs.” “You are right, again.” She laughed “Am I not always?” We were silent for moments, and then she asked “Would he be any trouble to you anymore? I mean on your job performance.” “Don’t think so, I considered his behavior as an opportunity to get stronger. I can work well despite his provocations.” “Then, we don’t have a real problem, do we?” “No.” “I do have one.” “You got my undivided attention.” I said with a bit of concern. I was absorbed all the time with my own problem, and I may have missed looking after her. “Are we partners? I mean for real.” “Of course we are partners.” “It seems to me we are not living up to this aim.” “I don’t follow you.”
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“You keep talking about your salary and worry that it may not cover our expenses, but you forget about mine. I work too, remember?” “But.” “But what? Isn’t the home mine too? Isn’t this my life too?” her voice was getting louder. “It is. Of course it is, but I am responsible for the living.” We had a long discussion, but she, as usual, managed to convince me. We agreed that I stay in my
current
job
to
complete
my
two
years’
experience, and she would fill in the financial gaps with her salary.
##### May, 19th 2003 “Hand me that bag, quick, I will throw up.” I gave her the bag, and pulled over to the shoulder of the road. She was feeling sick since last night and kept on throwing up. I took her to the doctor, who after few questions and a bit of examination,
smiled
and
asked
her
to
do
a
pregnancy test. No. That can’t be true. We planned to be childfree for the first three years of our marriage. Could
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we have miscalculated things? She IS pregnant, in the second month. Well, on the other hand, I was glad to hear it. I will be a father. I was feeling anxious at the same time. It is a big responsibility after all. Will I be able to handle it? Will I be like my father? The days were slow, painful, and exhausting; my wife suffered of hyperemesis gravidarum— severe nausea and vomiting of pregnancy. She was bedridden, and exhausted. She was vomiting a dozen of times daily. At night, she was sleepless, having body aches and parasthesiae—that is pins and needles at feet as the doctor explained. We moved to my mother’s house till we get this over. My wife resigned her job in the school. Thanks to Allah I didn’t move to another job; my work performance plummeted to a trough. I couldn’t work for more than 8 hours daily. That was the legal duration of work as stipulated by the law, although the company resented that. They threatened to fire me, as if I could feel any more pain! Not only that, at lunch time, I stopped working. I was going to the car and sleeping in the back seat. That was helping me to stay awake for the rest of the day and most of the night as well to help my wife. With the new situation of my wife not working, I was going to face a steep financial burden, but she
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was not oblivious about it and she begged me to accept spending her savings in the bank account. My wife’s sickness lasted for three months, then it began to ease out and she was able to do simple and light activities like watching TV and eating a bit normally. She was able to have conversations and sleep better. For me, it felt like getting to heaven compared to the first three months. We were eagerly awaiting a wonderful newborn. In the seventh month of her pregnancy, my wife’s condition improved a lot and we moved back home. My sister was passing by every day to help taking care of the home.
##### The moon was full and the breeze was refreshing. I raised the blinds of the bedroom, opened the windows, and switched off the lights. The serenity of the ambience was overwhelming. My wife was sleeping, and I was sitting beside her savoring this wonderful and quite room. I let loose my thoughts and went into a trance. After a while, an idea flashed in my mind; I have not been listening to the songs since I got married, I almost forgot it. This formidable problem that defied my efforts for a long time just vanished. How did that happen? I was thrilled to be free of my attachment,
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but
I
still
wanted
to
understand
what
really
happened. My heart told me I was about to unmask yet another of the mysteries of this universe. I knew I won’t get anywhere with this turbulence in my mind, so I started to take deep breaths and relax. I dived within, and went back in memory to the day I got married. Yes. That must be it. Love; it must be the love my wife filled my in. Her love made me lose my appetite to the songs because she distasted it, like she distasted all the other forbidden things. But why wasn’t my love to Allah enough to make me distaste songs; I love Allah more than anything else. Is it because Allah is not a material being? Is it that I grasp His love at the intellectual level only, while, since my wife is a material being, I feel her love in my heart? Perhaps, someday I will come across a psychologist who could figure it out for me. All I know for now is that my love for my wife not only enabled me to abandon hearing songs, but it made me more innocent and good, as if I absorbed her traits. Is that why Allah directed us to love the Prophet and His Family? Is that why we should love good people. In the Quran, out of the many verses that stressed that the Prophet does not want any reward from us for him, only one verse made an exception; the verse says that loving the family of the Prophet is the reward we pay for the Prophet "I
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do not ask you for this message any payment [but] only love of kinship." I got up and sneaked to the room where I keep the library and took the book of word indexing of Quran. I went back to the bedroom and checked, using a small lantern, the verses of Quran that talked about the reward of the Prophet people must provide. I was astonished with what I found. One verse said ‘And I do not ask you for it any payment. My payment is only from the Lord of the worlds,’ only one verse specified the reward, the one that demanded the love for the kinship, but why? I found another verse answering this. ‘Say, "I do not ask of you for it any payment - only that whoever wills might take to his Lord a way.’ So, the love of the Prophet’s family takes us on a way to Allah, for our own happiness. I felt a chill in my body and my eyes welled up in tears in awe and reverence. I remembered my last discussion with uncle Issa, and what he said about how our ability to gain humanitarian values requires the presence of three elements—first,
the
desire;
second,
the
psychological nature of one to gain the values; and third, practice. I tried to forget for a moment all my preconceived feelings and concepts about the family of the Prophet and look with a fresh perspective at them in view of the new light shed by these verses. I recalled the saying of the Prophet about his family,
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the one that is quoted in the books of all schools in Islam, repeatedly; "I am leaving among you, that which if you hold fast to them, you shall not be misguided after me. One of them is greater than the other: The book of Allah is a rope extended from the sky to the earth, and my family, the people of my house (Ahlil Bait), and they shall not split until they meet me at the hawd, so look at how you deal with them after me." I am fully aware of the greatness of Quran—it is the book of Allah, and Islam is in it from cover to cover; but what is the role of Ahlil Bait—the family of the Prophet, which made them the counterpart of Quran
and
which
necessitated
their
love
and
following them. I don’t know how long was it while I was contemplating this matter, but I heard Azan—the call for the prayer. I startled and leapt to shut down the window lest my wife wakes up, but she already wok up. “Honey, why are you still awake?” “I will pray and get to sleep.” “Ok, wake me up when you are done, so I can pray.” “You know what, I discovered a great…” never mind, she were sleep again.
#####
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In the morning, I was very eager to tell my wife about my mental discovery last night, but we were in rush to reach uncle Issa’s farm before lunch. On the way, she asked me about the thing I am trying to tell her since morning. “I figured out few great ideas about Islam and Allah’s grace on us.” “Ah huh!” “Tell me, why did Allah create us?” “We have been through this before; you told me Allah created us to strengthen our bondage with Him.” “And what would be the Sharia’s—the Islamic legislations role in this?” “Why don’t you get into the subject directly?” “humor me for a minute.” “Islamic legislations or Sharia is the guidance for our path to Allah; the dos and don’ts.’ “And how do we get the Sharia?” “From Quran and Sacred Quotes of the Prophet and his family.” “So, how do we implement Sharia?” “By practice.” “What if it was difficult to do that?”
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“Use your willpower.” “What if my willpower was not sufficient enough?” “Then, you are in a big trouble.” “Tell me, what if the guidance of the Sharia was transformed from written words to a theatrical play or a movie that embodies these values and instructions? Will this make it any easier to you to follow it?” “Of course it will, to a large extent.” “Ok honey, this is one of the main roles of the Prophet and his family; to be live examples of this guidance and mission of Islam in daily life.” “Great.” “And this is why Ahil Bait—the family of the prophet, deserved to be the counterpart of Quran.” “Honey, this is a great discovery.” “Not only that. I just asked you, what if my willpower was not sufficient to follow the Sharia.” “And I answered you that you will be in big trouble.” “There is a mechanism that supplements the effects of my willpower, and facilitates the matter to me, helping me to root these values in my psyche effortlessly.” “No way; you must strive.”
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“Of course we must exert an effort. I didn’t mean that things are done without effort at all. I mean something will help us do less and get more.” “That would be magic.” “This is as real as you and me. You remember last week we talked about the three elements that help us gain new attributes?” “Yes and I liked the idea.” “I know you like the motivational books. Did you read “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” for Stephen Covey?” “Twice.” “I didn’t read it yet, but my uncle quoted for me one paragraph of the book and I liked so much that I memorized it.” “What was that?” “He said ‘If we want to make relatively minor changes in our lives, we can perhaps appropriately focus on our attitudes and behaviors. But if we want to make significant, quantum change, we need to work on our basic paradigms.’” “I remember something like that, yes.” “So, if there is a mechanism that could change our fundamental mental paradigms to something full of Islamic values and concepts, with all the beauty it embodies, then we would require very
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much less efforts in our behavior modification, wouldn’t we?” “Yes indeed, but what would that mechanism be?” “Love, honey, love.” “You said love?” “Yes, love.” “Are you watching too many Indian drama without me knowing?” “No, seriously, the theory behind it is like this. We agreed that the Imams (21) are the real-life embodiment of the divine attributes called upon by Islam.” “No doubt in that. Allah referred to them in Quran as in ‘Allah intends only to remove from you the impurity [of sin], O people of the [Prophet's] household, and to purify you with [extensive] purification.’ “ “This makes people naturally love and adore them and get attached to them, for what they see in them of attributes loved by psyches and minds.” “I agree.”
21 In the Shi'a context, Imam refers to leaders of the community. Twelver Shi'a believe that these imams are chosen by God to be perfect examples for the faithful and to lead all humanity in all aspects of life. They also believe that all the imams chosen are infallible and impeccable which is called ismah. These leaders must be followed since they are appointed by Allah [Translator: adapted from the English Wikipedia site on 16/4/13.]
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“All what Islam did in this regard is to emphasize on loving them and rooted that in our beings. Loving them was regarded as the reward we pay to the Prophet for his good work on us. We are rewarded for loving them. Al Tirmithi, one of the known books for the prophetic quotes and sayings mentioned that ‘Prophet took on the hands of Hassan and Hussain and said: that who loves me and loved these two, and their father and mother, shall be with me in my grade at the Day of Judgment.’ “ “I don’t think there would be any Muslim who would disagree with that, but is love not useless if we don’t follow their example and do as they did?” “That is the secret. Loving them makes us love their attributes.” “Yes. That would be only one element of the three we need for behavior modification.” “But it is not all; our interaction with Ahlil Bait in their stances, and their fierce defense of the values and concepts of Islam, and their embodiment of it in their lives despite all the suffering and sacrifices they made results in deepening these roots in our psyches, which is element number two.” “Wow, I am touched. So by interaction with Ahlil Bait and their lives makes its works in us unconsciously.”
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“Yes it does. The Prophet said ‘That who loves someone, will be resurrected with them [at the day of judgment], and that who loves the deeds of someone,
will share them in its reward [or
punishment]’ “But I don’t want you to think that the love of Ahlil Bait is just means to the end of behavior modification, it is required per se.” “I lost you here.” “We have to love anyone and anything that has ties to Allah or any of His prophets. This is one of the ways to get closer to Allah. Take the example of prayer; it helps us avoid bad deeds, but it is also required for itself, as it represents worship of Allah.” “What about the third element—practice and rehearsal?” “Humans are inclined to imitate those who they love and follow their example. Islam stressed on this in many verses like ‘There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often [33:21].’ ” “In that case, the more one follows them, the more the divine values and attributes are rooted in him.” “On the other hand, if someone was overtaken by his earthly whims and urges and was a captive to
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his self, and not to the love of Ahlil Bait, then this would be one of the obstacles to him from gaining the divine value and attributes. With time, it will gain further rooting in him and will have nothing but the name of being a follower of Ahlil Bait.” “Allah is great.” “Do you know that loving Ahlil Bait is not the only mechanism Allah gave us to ingrain the divine values in us? There is another mechanism to that end also, and it integrates with the love of Ahlil Bait. None of the two can do without the other.” “Yah? Tell me. Seems I am rediscovering Islam.” “We are about to reach the farm. Why don’t we pick it up later on our way back home?” ‘No, lets us park here for a while and finish it.’ “Alright.” I parked the car at the side of the entrance. “The other mechanism is the collection of practices of worship including the prayer, reciting Quran, pilgrimage and other rituals of worship that Islam stressed on.” “I don’t doubt the importance of worshiping practices, but how do they ingrain the divine value in us unconsciously?”
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“In two ways: first, they deepen in us the sense of bondage to Allah, which makes us desire His attributes and our psyches become clearer and more beautiful and less prone to earthly whims.” “Probably that is what is meant in the verse ‘and establish prayer. Indeed, prayer prohibits immorality and wrongdoing.’” “Indeed. Also, we find in Sahih Muslim, that the prophet said ‘The five [daily] prayers are like a running stream of a river on the doorstep of yours; cleansing you five times daily.’” “and what is the second way?” “Acts of worship cover most of our times throughout the day and the year, and we come across various visual, auditory, physical, spiritual, and mental activities and emotions like love, awe, fear, hope, and mercy. These acts and worships embody the divine concepts and values and our interaction with it works to permeate us with these values.” “Of course this depends on how much we interact with these rituals, and how much heart we put in doing it.” “Sure it does; the third element—the practice and
rehearsal
remains
important
in
behavior
modification and in permeating with these values. Quran also stressed on the element of “intent” of any act of worship. ‘Their meat will not reach
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Allah, nor will their blood, but what reaches Him is piety from you.’ “Ok, so Allah created two mechanisms that work in ingraining the divine values and attributes in us unconsciously as well as three elements: the mind, the willpower, and the fitra.” “What bothers me is that despite all these endowments that Allah gave us, we still dare to commit sins.” “Not just these endowments, Allah made the whole heavens and earth subservient to us, and to prepare us to the higher status he intended for us, the status that none of the angels could have. Quran said ‘And He has subjected to you whatever is in the heavens and whatever is on the earth - all from Him. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought?’ Even the angels are made to serve humans to reach their potential status in bondage to Allah. You recall that Allah made angels kneel to Adam. Quran described this in the verse ‘when your Lord said to the angels, "Indeed, I am going to create a human being from clay, So when I have proportioned him and breathed into him of My [created] soul, then fall down to him in prostration, So the angels prostrated - all of them entirely
Except
Iblees;
he
was
arrogant
and
became among the disbelievers.’” “But then, how could satan, after all this help from Allah, control the majority of people and
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Love Makes Miracles
interfere with the purpose of Allah in creating humans?” “Who said Satan controls the majority of people?” “It is mentioned in Quran ‘[Satan] said, "My Lord, because You have put me in error, I will surely make [disobedience] attractive to them on earth, and I will mislead them all, Except, among them, Your chosen servants.’” “Yes, that was what satan wished for, and imagined he could do, but Allah falsified his claim ‘[Allah] said, "This is a path [of return] to Me [that is] straight, Indeed, My servants - no authority will you have over them, except those who follow you of the deviators,’” Allah replied to satan that he [satan] has no power over humans, and that is the rule. His power is applicable only and exceptionally to those who willfully choose to follow him, and these are the ones whose bad deeds take over them, and are truly called, deviators. “Where do you get these nice ideas from?” “These are not my ideas; I just read them from the books of religious scholars. Shall we get into the farm? We are late.” “Yes, I feel tired; let’s get in.”
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At that moment, a great idea flashed in my mind, so I stopped the car and faced my wife. I seemed to be very thrilled with the discovery. “You know what? Not only that satan could not interfere with Allah’s purpose of creation of the universe, he, in fact, plays a role in the realization of the purpose of creation. Yes, that makes sense.” “I am not following.” “Satan’s presence, and his evil attempts to deviate people from the path of Allah makes bigger number of people better than they would be otherwise. His attempts to ruin the life of people stimulate them and move their minds and will to defend themselves and get even better. The result is that bigger numbers of people get in heaven, and bigger
number
get
to
reach
higher
levels
of
integration. It is much like the vaccination of children. We give them a weak bug and train their immune system to fight infection.” “But we find that many people sin.” “That is right; much like the few symptoms we get after vaccinations like fever, but that is only because their bodies fight back the bug. The same applies to fighting the temptations presented by Satan to us. We used to judge people in a narrow perspective; when we find someone committing a sin, we immediately consider him a very bad person and taken over by Satan, but we overlook all his
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Love Makes Miracles
other good deeds and his successes in resisting Satans seductions, which are much more than his sins. We ignore the efforts he makes in his school or college, or his work to provide for his family, or his community services, or his kindness to people. All of these, Satan wishes if not were done at all. When we look at a master piece of art, and find a small blemish, we should not judge the whole work as hideous.” “I very much like to discuss this further, but I am exhausted. Can we pick this up later?” “Yes, we can.”
##### I was sitting in the room of the director of HR, and despite the apparent calm on my face, my heart was
frantically
pounding;
my
insides
were
in
turmoil; and my hands were restless. I was waiting for the director to come to sign on my new job contract in a semi-governmental corporation that was recently established. I applied for the job of Director of Financial Affairs with a monthly salary of 3160 rials. I was to be trained for the first two years to get promoted to a CFO, and to work after the three-month’ notice period I have to give for my old auditing company. I completed the two years that I strived so long for, and it was the job I didn’t even dream of. In fact, this was not the issue stressing
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Love Makes Miracles
me right now, but I just left my wife in the delivery suit in the hospital waiting for the baby that we endured so much for. Sara felt labor pains last night and I took her to hospital, and stayed all night beside her. In the morning, I called my mother and Sara’s sister to tell them. I was concerned on my wife and the baby. The director finally showed up. He greeted me with a cold smile. He took his seat and sipped his tea, and then he told me that the board of directors appointed someone else in the job. I felt like a bolt of lightning hit me; I froze in my place. Before I realize what was happening, my phone rang and it was my mother crying and in panic. The baby died, and my wife was in serious condition. I didn’t know what to say, the world started spinning around me; the left side of my body went numb; I dropped the phone, and passed out in the room of the director. I woke up. It was a bad dream. Sara was sleeping beside me, peacefully. Nabil, my son, was in his cradle on my right. He was sleeping like his mother. Thank God, everything was fine. I got up of the bed and went to wash. I had ablution, and prayed in the middle of night, then sat in the balcony thinking. Today, I was completing the two years in the company. I also had been looking for a job
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Love Makes Miracles
elsewhere for the past three months. I applied for over two hundred posts, to no avail. I don’t get it. How could I have so much of experience and qualification, and not be hired. Someone told me I was cursed, and someone else said it is the jinn, yet a third one said it must be the director of finance in my old company, chasing me to ruin my life. I believe it was none of that. It was my reputation preceding me everywhere. I worked in two jobs, in both of which I had troubles and was asked to resign and in both I showed resistance. Personally, I wouldn’t hire someone with that reputation. Now what? I had no job I did not apply for. O’ Lord, help me, I feel helpless.
To be continued
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