Feelgood 10-02-2012 by Evening Echo

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Friday, February 10, 2012

LOVE ME, OR LEAVE ME? Dave and Aoife launch the ﬁrst of our ﬁve-week blind date series: 8, 9

ROMANCE

Couples who eloped to tie the knot: 4, 5

GIFTS

Put time not money into saying I love you: 11

FOOD

We rate those chocs before you buy them: 12

♥

e on Th diti e

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2 News front Kate O’Reilly WHAT’S ON ■ FREE COURSE: WRAP, the Wellness Recovery Action Programme, was designed to help individuals manage stress in their everyday life and cope with various strains. These free Cork courses are being run by SECAD in Midleton, Ballincollig, Cobh and Carrigaline. For more details contact the SECAD office in Midleton on 021-4613132 or visit www.secad.ie ■ KIDS WORKSHOPS: Be a Brainbox! workshops are back for the mid-term at CIT Blackrock Castle Observatory. Aimed at children from age eight up (ages six and seven if accompanied by an adult) Taking place daily from Feb 13 – 17 between 2 and 3.30pm, workshops are €5 per child. For more information contact CIT Blackrock Castle Observatory on 021-4357917; www.bco.ie ■ BARNARDOS COURSE: Barnardos is offering a four-week course for adopted adults to explore issues around growing up adopted, etc. The course will run on Thursday evenings for four weeks starting on Feb 23 at the Hilton Hotel in Kilmainham in Dublin 8. The cost is €80 and registration is on http://www.barnardos.ie/adoption ■ DATE WITH DUBLIN: Temple Bar Culture Trust (TBCT) has unveiled a programme of events to celebrate Valentine’s Day called A Date With Dublin. From 12 noon until 12 midnight on Feb 14, cultural organisations across the city will be offering lovers and friends a programme of affordable and free events. Log on to www.templebar.ie for full details of events. ■ ZOO ROMANCE: Celebrate romance at Dublin Zoo this weekend, with Woo at the Zoo, which includes special keeper talks on breeding, courtship and romantic rituals of the animals. Special Valentine’s face painting and arts and crafts will take place in the Family Farm House from 12pm – 3pm. For further information see www.dublinzoo.ie. ■ LOLLIPOP DAY: Lollipop Day, which involves thousands of volunteers throughout the country selling lollipops to raise funds for the Oesophageal Cancer Fund (OCF) is held at the end of February each year. Ireland has one of the highest rates of oesophageal cancer in Europe. Volunteers will be selling lollipops and pins (€2 each) on Friday, Feb 24 and Saturday 25. If you would like to get involved visit www.lollipopday.ie ■ CUPID’S DASH: The Irish Heart Foundation (IHF) is urging walkers, joggers and runners to help mend broken hearts in more ways than one, by signing up for annual Cupid’s Dash 10k fun run tomorrow. The romantic sunset run organised by Irishfit will take place at 5pm on North Bull Island, Clontarf, Dublin 3 and the IHF will receive a €5 donation for everyone who registers. Registration costs €25 at www.cupidsdash.ie; IHF sponsorship cards from Grainne Kennedy, gkennedy@irishheart.ie or phone 01-668 5001. Items for inclusion in this column can be sent to koreilly8@gmail.com

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The sudden death of their healthy son Tom O’Reagan from SADS left his family devastated, Arlene Harris reports

Shock death

HEN Tom O’Regan was 29, it seemed like the world was his oyster. Tall, dark and handsome, the Cork man was working as an IT manager for Zenith Technologies in Singapore. He came from a loving family, was in a happy relationship and had plenty of good friends. His future looked bright. But just a fortnight before he was due to return home to Ireland for a holiday, the fit and healthy young man died in his sleep. His family was devastated and although he has been gone for over 18 months, his parents, Dorothy and Brendan and sister, Dara, are still mourning the exuberant young man who seemed so happy and full of life. “Tom was a great personality and a much loved character,” recalls Dorothy. “He was one of those people that others just took to immediately and he had a great kindness about him which put people immediately at ease. “He spoke French and German, and was learning Mandarin and Malay to converse with his friends in Singapore. He was an accomplished guitarist and songwriter and loved to try his hand at anything that interested him. He also had a wide variety of other interests — capoeira, ice-hockey and he chased the waves in Ireland, with his surfboard and wet suit in the back of the car — he really lived life to the full.” Dorothy (who used to work as a therapist until her son’s death) and Brendan (CEO of Zenith Technologies) visited Tom in Singapore shortly before he died and saw nothing to indicate that he was in any immediate danger which is why his sudden death was so shocking. “We had been out in Singapore with him the week before he died (Jun 26, 2010) and he was healthy and well, but complained that he couldn’t seem to shake off the flu he had since the previous March,” says Dorothy. “He said many nights he went to bed at 9pm, exhausted, and woke at 6am for work feeling as if he hadn’t slept — but this was the only symptom. “We encouraged him to see a doctor and he agreed as he was always careful about his health. He was completely anti-drugs, was mindful of his diet; loved fruit and drank plenty of water and had no more than a few pints at the weekend. He always seemed very well.” But a few days after his parents returned home to Ireland, Tom had been playing music in a bar in Singapore and returned home to sleep after a couple of beers. He was dead by the following morning. “Tom had a great night out, his bar tab showed he bought four pints but his autopsy showed he had less than two pints of lager in his system,” says Dorothy. “His girlfriend woke at 9am the next morning and thought she heard him snoring which she said was unusual. But she wasn’t alarmed and went back to sleep. “When she awoke 20 minutes later he was already dead. We now know that what she had actually heard was the ‘chain-stroke’ breath — his last breath. But there was no www.irishexaminer.com www.irishexaminer.com

FAMILY’S GRIEF: Tom O’Regan, seen here with his mother Dorothy, died of Sudden Adult Death Syndrome caused by a virus. possible way she could have known this. “We got a phone call from the Irish Embassy at 5.50am on Saturday morning. It was a living nightmare. My husband took the call, and broke down immediately. I knew something horrific had happened to Tom, but didn’t know what. I grabbed the phone and when I heard what was wrong, I was chilled to the bone as if the whole world had suddenly stopped. It was beyond surreal.” The family dragged themselves through hours of disbelief and Tom’s parents made arrangements to fly to Singapore to try and discover what had happened to their son. “Brendan and I got a flight to London that same afternoon and flew on to Singapore,” recalls Dorothy. “Dara stayed home with family and prepared the house to bring Tom home and we kept ourselves sane by convincing each other that we would get there and find out it wasn’t true — that there had been an error at the hospital. “At the same time, we cried for the entire journey and just held each other. “When we arrived, we were met at the airport by the Irish ambassador who brought us to the funeral home. It was a nightmare seeing our beloved son lying there like a waxwork, when only a week before he had been laughing and joking with us, completely alive and well.” Tom’s death was attributed to Sudden

www.irishexaminer.com feelgood@examiner.ie

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

Adult Death Syndrome (SADS) which probably occurred as a result of persistent flu virus he had been complaining of. “We were told that a flu virus had gone to Tom’s heart and killed him,” says Dorothy. “This is still so hard to accept as he was such a vibrant, healthy and happy young man — but tragically, it is the truth. “The doctors in Singapore said that although it was unusual, it was not unheard of, particularly in young men. His heart was enlarged because of the virus attack but he was otherwise in perfect health. We pushed for further information but that was it. “Since then, Dara, Brendan and myself have attended the Family Heart Screening Clinic in the Mater Hospital Centre and have had thorough checks. They found nothing in any of us, but we were treated with the utmost kindness and compassion. “We have always been a very close, united family and, although there will never be a way to fully accept our tremendous loss, the support we have received is a great comfort and we couldn’t have got through this without our wonderful family and friends who rallied around and kept us going when our feet couldn’t even touch the ground.” ● For more information visit www.materfoundation.org or familyheartscreening@mater.ie

Editorial: 021 4802 292

Advertising: 021 4802 215

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In profile

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THE SHAPE I'M IN

Ariana Barrett

Society girl

ORK woman Ariana Barrett isn’t going to settle for anyone on TV3 dating show, Take Me Out. “My friends say I’m high-maintenance because I’m really picky — I have very high standards,” says the Midleton-based 20-year-old, who runs Dynamic Dancers, a company that supplies entertainers — dancers, fire breathers — to nightclubs and for promotional events. “I suppose the selection of men is varied on Take Me Out, but I haven’t really seen much of my type,” says Ariana. So what is her type? “You can’t go wrong with tall, dark and handsome and he’d have to have good banter. You have to be up for a laugh.” Ariana says she didn’t know what to expect when she signed up for Take Me Out. “I love that about life — taking risks. Being on Take Me Out has been such a great experience — I’d do it all again in the morning,” she says. On Valentine’s Day, she’d love to be surprised. “I love a surprise. I’d like a guy to say ‘pack your bags — I’m bringing you away for the night and I’m not telling you where’.” ■ The Valentine’s Day special of Take Me Out Ireland is on TV3 at 9pm on Friday, Feb 17.

What trait do you least like in yourself? To be honest, I wish I wasn’t so nice. If somebody lets me down, I forget it. People say ‘no Ariana, you have to put your foot down’. For me, it’s water under the bridge but I do get walked on a bit.

Helen O’Callaghan

16th Feb Questions of Spirituality and Health 7pm - 9pm, Beech Hill House Hotel, Derry 17th Feb Spirituality & Health Understanding the Language of your Symptoms 9am - 5pm, Beech Hill House Hotel, Derry

What are your healthiest eating habits? I drink two and a half litres of water a day. I eat small amounts and often and I always have breakfast — cereal, yoghurt, and banana. I tend to keep the carbs low and the protein high, so I’d eat chicken salad and quick stir-fries. For snacks, I’d have muesli bars, fruit or rice crackers. Also, I’m a non-smoker.

18th Feb Spirituality & Health Understanding the Language of your Symptoms 9am - 5pm, Kippure Estate, Co. Wicklow

What’s your guiltiest pleasure? Chocolate, which I’d say is everyone’s guilty pleasure.

19th Feb Spirituality & Health Understanding the Language of your Symptoms 9am - 5pm, Vienna Woods Hotel, Cork

What would keep you awake at night? Being too busy. I have a really busy schedule and I try to organise it all when I’m in bed. I over-think. I’m a perfectionist.

For booking & info contact: Karen 087 6536916 karen@brendadavies.com Collette 0044-7956592532 collette@brendadavies.com

How do you relax? It’s hard to relax because I’m always on the go. On Sundays, I just stay home and have a day to myself. I turn off the phone, chill out, maybe have a DVD day or watch telly. I also relax by being around friends and family. Who would you invite to your dream dinner party? I’d have four guests — Barack Obama, because he seems down-to-earth and good fun, plus he’s good-looking. Davina McCall’s an inspiration — she keeps fit and she looks so well. I’d invite Graham Norton, because he’s from Cork and he’d be good craic, and I’d have Katherine Lynch, just for the banter.

Tour of Ireland 16th - 19th February 2012 www.brendadavies.com

What’s your favourite smell? When I lived in Australia for a year, the smell I really missed was the distillery in Midleton. I absolutely love it. What would you change about your appearance? I’d like to have smaller boobs but still keep my curves. I could have a lovely dress and my boobs would just get in the way. They also give me back pain.

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What would cheer up your day? Someone texting me out of the blue and saying something nice, or more work coming in.

Do you have any health concerns? I’ve got no health concerns, no allergies, nothing — I’m lucky.

What trait do you least like in others? I don’t like cockiness. I think there’s a difference between being confident and being cocky.

DR BRENDA DAVIES

Do you pray? No, I don’t.

What shape are you in? I’m in pretty good shape. We’ve just had a pole installed in our apartment, so I do a lot of pole fitness. I go for a few walks during the week.

When did you last cry? I cried about two weeks ago, watching The Notebook.

TAKE ME ON: Ariana Barrett, who appears on Take me Out, is choosy about men. Picture: Dan Linehan

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

Evening seminar £25/€35 per person One day seminar £65/€75 per person

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No-fuss marriage

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Eloping is more intimate and less stressful than planning an expensive wedding for

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150 guests. Sue Leonard speaks to four couples who opted for a quiet union

They ran away for their big day

OST women — and little girls — dream about their wedding. It’s supposed to be the best day of their lives. But the exorbitant cost, and the stress of keeping two sets of relatives happy, can mean that tension not serenity rules. Many modern couples keep it simple. They’re going abroad with 60 friends and relatives, rather than hosting 150 guests in Ireland. Some couples, though, would prefer to run away from the fuss altogether. We met four couples, who decided, for their own reasons, to get married privately and in secret. Emma and Danny Buckley eloped to the Faroe Islands in June, 1999. Emma from Donegal, and Danny, from Cork, got engaged in 1999. Danny, a teacher, was at college in Dublin. “We were going to a lot of weddings and people seemed to be concentrating more on the party than the mass,” says Danny. “We both have a strong faith and we wanted our wedding to be meaningful. I knew a Franciscan sister on the Faroe Island and knew how spiritual the islands were.” It took six months to get the wedding organised, and, meanwhile, the two were living in separate, shared houses in Dublin. They didn’t tell anyone. “The most difficult part was telling our local parish priests. It was hard for Emma’s not to let on. And we had to have the civil wedding in Dublin, first. That was tricky. I was working part-time as a carpenter. My foreman came down as our witness. Then I went back to work,” says Danny. They flew out through Aberdeen and stayed in a Faroese youth hostel. “We rang our parents the night before,” says Emma. “Mum says she went round dead-heading the roses.” Emma wore a simple white dress she’d had made in Dublin. They were married in the Catholic church in Torshavn during a routine mass, and then the nuns laid on a lunch for them. Later they spent the night in Torshavn’s only hotel. They stayed for two weeks, touring the islands, being recognised everywhere. “The news had spread. It was amazing,” she says. Twelve years, and five children, on and the couple say they’ve no regrets. “We feel we married the right way. It was meaningful and just between the two of us.” Michael and Róisín Shanahan eloped to Maui, July, 2007. Michael and Róisín eloped because they didn’t want the stress of keeping all their relations happy. “We didn’t want any fuss,” says Róisín. “We planned the wedding through a photographer I found on the web. And we pretended we were going on holiday to the Canaries. We didn’t tell anyone, except my sister. She was into fashion design and I wanted help with the dress.” The couple flew via Los Angeles and spent some days looking round Hollywood. “We bought the ring in Tiffany’s,” she says. After a magical welcome, with flowers on Maui, they set off for the Sheraton Hotel. “We were married on a beach, at sunset,” says Róisín. “There was nobody else there

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BIG APPLE: Finbar McLoughlin and Nuala Ni Chonchúir, seen here with Cúán, baby Juno, and Finn, eloped to New York, seen below, and had one witness at the ceremony. Picture: Hany Marzouk ROMANTIC ESCAPE: Jenny and George Foxe with their sons Ronan, 6, and Damon, 4, and right for their wedding, they picked up rings from Argos on the way, and grabbed some flowers from a seller in Grafton Street. Picture: Maura Hickey.

ISLAND DREAM: Danny and Emma Buckley 12 years after they eloped, pictured below, to The Faroe Islands, to have a more meaningful religious marriage ceremony. Picture:

Keith Heneghan / Phocus.

because it was Friday 13. It was a traditional Hawaiian wedding with lots of singing. We had dinner afterwards in the hotel. That felt a bit strange, with just the two of us.” Both sets of families were a little disappointed. But Róisín’s parents threw a party a few months later. “I had nothing to do with it, but it was nice. I enjoyed wearing my dress again, and being able to share my photos and talk about the day with other people. “I didn’t think I’d any regrets, but when

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my sister got married recently, I thought it was nice for her that my family were there. And I did wonder if any of my friends felt hurt that I hadn’t confided in them,” she says. Jenny and George Foxe eloped within Dublin in 2005. “We were engaged and we had a baby,” says Jenny. “But we weren’t living together, because George was living with, and caring for, his grandfather. I’d applied for an American visa and didn’t want to be in the position that

the baby, Ronan, and I had a visa and George didn’t. “But I didn’t want to organise a wedding. I had baby weight on and we hadn’t much money. If I couldn’t do a wedding perfectly, I didn’t want to do it at all. We made a notification of intent, and went in to the registry office to set a date. We never told anybody. But the Saturday before the wedding we realised we needed witnesses, so we told his sister and her husband, and they said they’d drive us in. We explained we didn’t want anyone else to know, or to come. “I wore a black suit and grey blouse. We picked up rings from Argos on the way, and grabbed some flowers from a seller in Grafton Street. It was a lovely wedding, with just me, George, our baby and witnesses. Afterwards, we went to Captain America’s. It was totally stress-free.” Jenny’s family, though, were disappointed to have missed out. So Jenny was persuaded to organise a ‘mock’ white wedding the following year.

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“And that was stressful. If we hadn’t been married I don’t know if our relationship would have survived it. I think it’s good to keep the party separate. The marriage itself then means more,” she says. George and Jenny now have a second son, Damon, four. And on their sixth anniversary, they finally got away for a honeymoon. “We went to Amsterdam for the weekend. We went alone, and it was bliss,” says Jenny. Nuala Ni Chonchuir and Finbar McLough-

lin eloped to New York in May, 2010. Author of You, Nuala Ni Chonchuir had been married before. “When my first marriage broke down, I was anti-marriage for a while. I’d look at people marrying and think, ‘you’re mad.’ Then I fell deeply in love and wanted to be married to Finbar. But I didn’t want any fuss,” she says. “We didn’t want people to feel obliged to come. We decided to marry in New York, where we knew a few people. We told our families just before we left. “I bought a teal maxi dress in Zara. Finbar wore a suit and I bought him a Liberty tie. I wore a peacock necklace and our one witness wore a peacock feather in her hair. I bought a posy of red-and-white roses and baby’s breath, and we bought a carrot cake from a 24-hour deli. “We were married in City Hall. My two sons Cúán, 17, and Finn, nine, were there; and our daughter Juno (now aged two). Then, we went to our favourite veggie

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restaurant and met our other five guests, including an Irish writer I’d contacted online but never met. “It was lovely. And much less stressful than my first wedding, in 1999, which I planned for about a year. “For me, marriage is a statement of commitment to the world. It was important to Finbar too. He was 40 and it was his first marriage. His parents were disappointed it was in New York. But we had a party for our families three months later.”

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No-fuss marriage

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Eloping is more intimate and less stressful than planning an expensive wedding for

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150 guests. Sue Leonard speaks to four couples who opted for a quiet union

They ran away for their big day

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ISLAND DREAM: Danny and Emma Buckley 12 years after they eloped, pictured below, to The Faroe Islands, to have a more meaningful religious marriage ceremony. Picture:

Keith Heneghan / Phocus.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

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FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

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6 Eating healthily

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Purple foods may not only reduce the risk of heart disease, diabetes and cancer, but by keeping you in top health, also give your libido a boost. Oliver Moore reports

Follow the rainbow

HAT is it about the colour purple? Over the eons, its rich, deep and dark colour has been used symbolically in religion and royalty, mystery and magic. As we approach Valentine’s Day the exotic shapes and shades of purple foods stimulate our imagination — and we nedd not confined ourselves to just popping some luscious grapes into your loved one’s mouth! There is growing evidence that purple foods keep us fighting fit — and in the process boosting our libido. After all, research shows if we are tired, or our immune systems are down, then bedroom frolics go out the window. Purple occurs quite rarely in our foods — beetroot, grapes, ‘red’ cabbage and onions, some berries — though it is thought that our pre-farming ancestors consumed significant amounts, often by munching berries. Recently, purple foods have been gathering something of an interest from researchers. The dark pigments in purple and blue foods are called anthocyanins. This is a flavonoid that has been linked to numerous beneficial effects, including reduced risk of heart disease, diabetes, and some cancers, therefore keeping us in peak condition. There is also evidence that they help brain functioning as we get older. Anthocyanins are among the most powerful of all phytonutrients, and are found in red, blue and purple foods such as red apples, grapes, berries and also wine. Research on numerous purple plant foods, of many hues and varieties, has found similar positive levels of anthocyanians, including Japanese purple sweet potato and, most recently, purple corns in China. A 2011 study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found those with the highest intake of anthocyanin (predominantly from blueberries and strawberries) had an 8% reduction in risk of hypertension”. This 14-year study was impressively large, involving 150,000 people at the outset, 35,000 of whom were considered at risk of hypertension. “A lot of the significance of the colour purple has to do with classes of antioxidants. As we learn more about their protective effects, we find different classes. And it can be helpful to classify these through colours,” says Richard Burton, director of the Irish Institute of Nutrition and Health. “No one type

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TASTY GUIDE: Go purple and add some other shades to keep you in peak health and fighting fit for your love life. Picture: Getty Images

of antioxidant will cover all your needs, so eating lots of colours is recommended — it’s almost like colour-coding antioxidants.” Colour coding is a tasty, affordable, fun and simple way to choose the healthiest of options. Aiming for one fruit or vegetable from each colour, each day, will both add to your culinary skills and healthfulness. (See panel) While providing vitamin C and varying levels of other vitamins and minerals, the intake of 400–600g day of fruits and vegetables has been associated with reduced incidence of many common forms of cancer, due to the presence of phytonutrients. So how do we decode the nutritional value of different coloured foods? “Purple and blue are quite uncommon in foods, so blueberries, blackberries and so on are much sought after,” says Richard Burton. “With fruit, you have to look ‘under the bonnet’ to see the broader class of antioxidants across a range of foods. And colour is a useful way to do this.” However, there are technical

limits to the colour-coding notion: “Dark green leafy veg has lots of beta carotene, but it isn’t orange — its colour is masked by the chlorophyll. Purple is not necessarily better as such — reds, greens and oranges are really useful too. So don’t get too hung up on one colour, go for the rainbow. And not too many white-beige foods,” he says. Another more serious caveat on colour coding, however, may come with the nightshade family (Solanaceae) and its links to arthritis. Some studies have found that a proportion of people with arthritis are sensitive to this family of plants, which includes tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, aubergines and also the tobacco plant. Alkaloids in these foods can impact nerve-muscle, and digestive and joint function in some people who are especially sensitive to it. The link between arthritis and the nightshade family was

Food colour

Notable property

Attributed positive effect

Red foods (tomatoes)

Lycopene

Prostate health

Yellow-green vegetables (corn, leafy-greens)

Lutein and Zeaxanmthin

Anti-ageing in the retina eyes)

Red-purple (grapes, beetroom, red onion/cabbage)

Anthocyanins

Reduces hypertension

Orange (carrots, squash)

Beta carotene

Boosts immune system

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initially noticed by farmers, and then in livestock research from the early 1900s, and then finally in human studies from the late 1970s. Dr Norman F Childers eliminated the unexpected onset of arthritis in his own body when he dropped a fresh spiced-tomato juice from his daily diet. Initially, it was thought the spices were problematic for him. However, his interest in the ingredients of the drink was tweaked, and so began his academic studies and eventual publications (in 1977, ’79 and ’93) into tomatoes, the broader nightshade family and arthritis. It is not the case that everyone will feel the negative effects of the nightshades. Burton says: “In my experience, its a problem with some but by no means all people,” citing research that found about 17% of people were likely to be susceptible to it. “I’d say that if you consume a lot of any food or drink — be it tomatoes, potatoes, black tea or anything, and have a concern, give it a miss for three weeks and see. Of course, it might not be the nightshade-related element that’s causing a problem if you are consuming lots of foods in this category.” These caveats aside, rainbow eating makes eminent sense. And purple foods, once our forest forbearers’ staple, have returned — so line up those colours for February 14 and give the chocs a miss.

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Psychology

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Valentine’s Day celebrates romantic union, but to love another person you must first love yourself

It’s me, not you

What’s happened to your New Years Resolutions?

Did you give up smoking? Did you start that diet? Do you need to improve your confidence? Make 2012 the year that YOU CHANGED YOUR LIFE Tomorrow CAN be different. But YOU need to change it TODAY

I can help you achieve any of these by Cognitive Hypnotherapy (Clinic in Cork City & Killarney)

Contact me now on +44 (0)7977 922242

or email: JohnShea@Amazingminds.co.uk or visit my website www.Amazingminds.co.uk

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Tony Humphreys

N the words of the German poet, Rainer Maria Rilke, ‘for one human being to love another is the most difficult of all tasks’, and this is true for parents and children, friend and friend, lover and lover and husband and wife. For the purposes of Valentine’s Day, I am going to focus on adult relationships. In the USA, 60% of marriages break down, and, poignantly and significantly, 80% of second marriages end unhappily. Those statistics do not take into account the high percentage of intact, unhappy marriages. It is a real conundrum that if love is the greatest power on earth — the force that sustains human life — how is it that many relationships are a near-certain prescription for unbelievable pain and emotional devastation? There are hundreds of books available that offer relationship fixes; there are also many couples therapists. The reality is that book solutions, and often therapeutic interventions, turn out to be plasters that fall off because the deeper wounds have not been identified and resolved. In my experience, all the unhappiness in human relationships can be traced back to an unconscious and wise expectation of not being loveable. Nevertheless, I believe that your nature is love but when your earlier relationships did not result in being loved for self, you creatively hid away your true and unique self and are slow to trust that another will honour your presence with unconditional love. Not feeling genuinely held in the arms of love, we fall into the grip of fear of re-experiencing the horrors of abandonment. To fill the resulting void, you cleverly create substitute ways of gaining attention: ■ being the ever-so-pleasing child ■ being perfectionist ■ being a ‘winner’ ■ being shy and timid ■ being manipulative and controlling ■ being sick ■ being the carer ■ being difficult ■ being the rebel. Without these substitutes, life would be unliveable, but there is nothing compared to the real experience of being loved and accepted for self. Later on, as an adult, when you feel attracted to another you will operate from a defensive, substitute place rather than an open and real place. Quickly, your fears of not being good enough will determine your interactions with the person of your affections. You may be passive, hesitant, possessive, jealous, success addicted, workaholic, irritable, eager to please, reliant on the other to love you, dependent, threatening. Your hunger and thirst for love will intensify your defensive responses, inevitably resulting in conflict. The relationship quickly becomes co-dependent as your partner is also operating from his or her repertoire of defences. Unless a consciousness of how each is within self arises, the relationship is doomed to a defensive cycle that will escalate. The resolution of falling in and out of love is to fall in

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The resolution of falling in and out of love is to fall in love with self love with self, so that when you seek intimacy with another, you do so from a conscious place of your own fullness. When you become one with yourself, you are one with life itself, you are conscious of your essential beauty and power. This oneness sets you free from fear. You experience the uniqueness, essential dignity and nobility of your true self, which does not depend on anyone else’s approval or validation. Love between two people is essentially a coming together of two individuals who each hold themselves in love and from that inner sanctum unconditionally hold the other. Once again, the poet Rilke puts it well: ‘Marriage consists in this, where each appoints the other the guardian of their solitude’. However, for a person who did not feel loved as a child to dare feel and express his lovability is a monumental task, for fear of a recurring of the daily rejections experienced. Nevertheless, the pain and conflict between people are the allies that are attempting to draw attention to a deeper powerful reality — the fear or terror of revealing your lovability. If it is relationship that sends you into hiding the unique pearl of self, it is relationship that provides the safety for you to emerge. However, to find such a relationship — of unconditional love — is very elusive. Sometimes, there is a need to seek such a relationship with a therapist. Whatever it takes, it is in the experience of unconditional holding that true love for self and another ultimately lies. Dr Tony Humphreys is a clinical psychologist, author, national and international speaker. His book ‘Myself, My Partner’ is relevant to today’s article.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

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TERAPROOF:User:irenefeighanDate:08/02/2012Time:18:12:38Edition:10/02/2012FeelgoodXH1002Page:8

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Romantic relationships

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With Cupid in the air, we’ve asked dating coach Avril Mulcahy to give tips on love and to — over the next five weeks — follow three single guys and gals on their blind dates

From singles to doubles V

ALENTINE’S Day is just four days away Attitude: A first impression begins with attitude. Nobody and from heart-studded cards to lavish wants to meet Mr Misery Guts or the Ice Queen. When you bunches of flowers and appealing teddies, greet your date, smile. Not only will it show the other person there is no escaping the compelling power of you’re happy to see him or her, it also shows open and friendly romance. qualities — perfect for a first date. Also remember to uncross Taking our cue from Cupid, we’ve asked dating your arms (crossing them can make you seem uninterested and coach Avril Mulcahy to — over the next five weeks unapproachable) and to sit up straight, as it will help you feel — put singletons on a course for love, with expert more confident. tips and advice. And there’s more. Avril has asked three single guys and three single gals to take the Dress to impress: We are visual creatures thus your physical plunge and go on a blind date. Today we meet Dave appearance speaks volumes. The bottom line with clothes is O’Rourke and Aoife McKenna who are about to the better you dress, the more seriously people will treat you. meet up for dinner in a Dublin restaurant. Pick up Not only that, the way we dress influences our behaviour and Feelgood next Friday to read how they got on. attitude and that in turn influences other people. Think about Our dating coach will be on hand to offer all three your appearance, then think about what image and attitude couples advice and support. you’d like to project. Dress to Then, on the final week, we your body shape and wear a will hear what, if anything, little cologne/perfume to has happened since the first help engage the senses. blind date. Avril, who has a backConversation: A simple ground in public relations ‘Hello, how are you?’ is a and is a life and business good enough ice-breaker. coach, comes from Tipperary Remember everyone wants and is probably best known to talk about themselves. for her widely publicised 40 Even though you may think dates in 40 days Lenten unyou are the most interesting dertaken last year. As a single person in the world, do not woman, her aim was to unfocus on yourself. Do not derstand the Irish dating talk about dates you had with scene. “I faced rejection, other people or your exes. It’s fanatical feelings, logistical too early in the game. problems, tiredness, pre-datGood open-ended quesing nerves, shy-ness, tions that ensure more that a wardrobe dilemmas, weight yes or no answer, paired with gain… the works,” she says. active listening is an almost “But I overcame each and foolproof recipe for a lively every obstacle and was deterengaging conversation. Hunt mined to find out as much as for common ground. The repossible about what attitude alisation that two people is needed in today’s dating share things in common scene.” (films, hobbies, values, restauThrough her personal exrants) makes you feel you alperience and research, Avril ready know each other and has developed a dating road will take the pressure off the map for success to help sinfirst-date scenario. gles take control of their dating lives. Determined to No phones: Checking your change the image of singlemobile phone during a date tons who are often portrayed is one of the quickest ways to as lonely and luckless, she has make someone feel uncomestablished singlelista.ie to enfortable. Concentrate on courage people to embrace making your date feel special, being single and be happy and you won’t even notice from the inside out. “I guide any calls coming in. my clients to becoming the best person they can be, so Timing: Don’t let your date they can attract the best partlast too long. Think of it like ner for them,” says Avril. a good meal — you should Here are her top tips to finish your plate feeling like WINNING WAYS: Dating coach Avril Mulcahy is take the stress out of first you want just a little more. Picture:John Cogill co-ordinating our blind date series. dates, and ensure you make a This is the best time to finish a great first impression. date. Location: No movies on the first date. How can you get to know each other if you spend the majority of the time in silence? It’s best to take your date out for dinner. Go somewhere you feel comfortable but that is a bit different and helps kick start the conversation — for example, unusual décor, food or engaging service. Go somewhere you can easily afford.

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Relax: It’s understandable to be nervous on a first date but don’t let it ruin the night. If you get any pre-first date jitters, take a deep breath and count to three and then walk into the room. Remember, this is just one date, and it’s just date one. Sometimes there are sparks, sometimes there aren’t, and you may at least find a new friend. Stay in the moment during your date, remember to breathe and have fun getting to know the other person.

■ Meet our first couple to go on a blind date ■ Name: Dave O’Rourke

Name: Aoife McKenna

Age: 33 years

Age: 32 years

From: Castleknock, Co Dublin

From: Grand Canal, Dublin 4

Star sign: Libra

Star sign: Scorpio

Occupation: Commercial artist

Occupation: Business Owner — 4th Avenue Beauty Salon, Ballsbridge, Dublin 4

Name of business: Creative Dave Build: Working on it

Build: Medium

Height: 5ft 7 inches

Height: 5ft 6 inches

Smoker: No

Smoker: Social – in the process of giving up

Describe yourself: Fun, hard-working, intelligent, spontaneous, artistic

Describe yourself: Hard worker, loyal, funny, dependable, friendly

Interests: Art/culture, movies, sports

Interests: Keeping fit, socialising, puzzles and quizzes

Three things you cannot live without: My diary, my family, my bike

Three things you cannot live without? Chinese on a Friday night, my friends, laughter

Tell me something unusual about you: I have a selectively photographic memory; I can remember movie dialogue verbatim even years later. Only works with movies — weird

Tell us something unusual about you? I can do many funny impressions and accents What makes you smile? My niece, Lia

What makes you smile: Spontaneous unsolicited generosity between strangers

Your ideal holiday? Complete chill-out in the sun with the phone turned off. Good food and good company

Describe your ideal holiday: Relaxed sun holiday, adventure weekend or European city break — don’t mind, just never the same thing twice

Dream date? I’m a romantic at heart. My date would be with the man of my dreams, who organises the dates all around me because he knows me so well

What type of relationship are you looking for? I’ll tell you when it happens

What type of relationship are you looking for? Ultimately a long-term relationship, with a bit of fun along the way

Five things that irritate you about people: Ignorance, arrogance, monotonous/routine oriented, too much make-up, boring

Five things that irritate you about people? Tight with money, lack of time for me, selfish, over the top people, moaners What are your blind date expectations? Have a nice time with good company

What are your blind date expectations? Fun

Picture:Maura Hickey

Watch Dave and Aoife meet for the first time: http://exa.mn/36

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2012

Online sites can be the key for some

OCIAL networking has gone from being the latest fad to a core part of our daily lives through Facebook, Twitter and endless websites. So, it makes sense at a time when much of our lives happen online, that we must incorporate the online community in our dating plan. Internet dating is a well advertised form of dating but if you are new to it embrace, engage, and enjoy. Anyone who says the internet is full of ‘weirdos’ needs to get over it. You have as much a chance of meeting a weirdo in any pub or night club in Ireland. There are dozens of dating sites out there, so be prepared to explore a bit before deciding where to focus your energy and your money. They are all priced differently, and mostly the level of service and type of user is reflected in the price. They range from the ‘wild west’ dating sites that are obviously advocating a very short-term relationship, to others who are looking for mere friendship, to those more premium sites for singles who are looking for a longer-lasting partnership. Yes, there are some sites awash with ‘timewasters’, people who are internet dating junkies who never actually want to meet. Many sites have an icebreaker quiz to help you break the ice and introduce yourself. Here are few tips to help you along in the online dating world. Don’t be shy: Expressing your interest, but it doesn’t make as good of a first impression as a message would. Go straight for the “contact” button. Keep it simple: Make your first email friendly and short. Something along the lines of “Hey, I noticed your profile and that we both like reading and I’d like to get to know you better”, works well. Ask a question: Often asking a question can improve your chances of hearing back from the person you are sending it to. For example, ask: “What books are you interested in?” This gives the person a reason to respond. Don’t get too personal: Saying things like “How much do you weigh?” is going to give the impression you only care about their physical attributes. Don’t be too pushy: Usually it’s best to wait for three to four email exchanges before you ask for the phone number. Some people are very shy on the phone and much more comfortable

on the computer at first. Keep it upbeat: It is important to keep messages light and conversational in nature. Spelling/grammar: Give off a professional intelligent manner. This is not a text message so avoid the abbreviations. Re-read everything before you send to avoid any misunderstandings. Be safe: When you finally make a date make sure you meet in a public place, preferably during the day. Let a friend or family member know who you are meeting and where. Bring your mobile phone.