HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Today I am here to talk to you about relationships~ How to build them, maintain them, and, most importantly, to ensure that they are healthy.

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Aside fromphysical needs like food and water, humans have social needs. In fact, relationships are necessary for a healthy life because they provide us with a sense of love, acceptance, and belonging.

Have any of you ever heard of the psychologist Abraham Maslow? [show of hands]

CLICK –He is the psychologist who came up with a theory, depicted in this pyramid, about human needs. First are basic needs like food, water, safety, & security. Then come the psychological needs, which is where relationships start to come into play. Belongingness and love and the acceptance that those two things bring answer our psychological needs and they enable our esteem needs like a feeling of personal accomplishment or happiness with one’s self. They also impact the highest bar on the pyramid, which is a person’s self‐actualization or fulfillment needs.

So when we look at this pyramid, we see that a lot of self importance and self acceptance needs, which are crucial to one’s overall happiness, rest on this psychological need to have meaningful, healthy relationships.

Now, let’s talk about some of the relationships thatyou have in your life. Go ahead and name some of the people that you have relationships with –[ask audience]

CLICK and they pop up as one.

All of these relationships can be important in different ways, but all of them should be healthy in order for you to be your best self, which is what we’re going to talk about next.

When we talk about relationships, we’rereally talking about a spectrum. What do you think we mean by that? [ask audience]

We’re going to watch a video now that talks about the relationship spectrum, and please keep in mind that while it largely talks about romantic relationships, a lot of this applies to all relationships because every relationship in your life exists on a spectrum. And, we are going to talk back and forth a bit about romantic and other types of relationships throughout this presentation.

PLAY VIDEO

So after watchingthat video, please turn to the person next to you or nearest you and discuss some of the ways that you would like to be treated in a relationship –and then do that same thing, but with specific regard to romantic relationships. [SHARE after they’re done talking]

Now, keeping all of that in mind, we are going to move onto the types of relationships that we talked about in relation to the spectrum video.

Let’s start first of all with healthy relationships. How would you define a healthy relationship?[Ask for some answers, or just say “probably pretty similar to what our expectations that we discussed are]

PULL UP DEFINITION AND READ

Discuss overlap between expectation answers/student answers and the definition as listed.

There are four key aspects to any healthy relationship

These are:

Boundaries Communication Equality And Self‐Esteem

Boundaries –what is a boundary in a relationship?

Boundaries are defined as the division or space between 2 people that honor one another’s needs and desires. [CLICK]

In a healthy relationship, you have or you receive:

Personal space, emotional space, behavioral boundaries (Example: Like PDA) and mutual respect for differing values and beliefs.

Let’s boil all that down and look now at some examples of healthy boundaries,both in romantic relationships and just in general. (CLICK)

One example of a healthy boundary would be going out without your best friend or partner there. We’re not saying that your best friend or partner isn’t a great person to be around, but having that emotional and personal space to be friends with others and to do activities with those other friends is a very important example of a healthy boundary. (CLICK)

Next, is another personal space as well as behavioral boundary: participate in activities and hobbies that you like even if they’re different than your friends’ or partner’s likes. Just because your friends or partner isn’t into horseback riding, doesn’t mean you can’t be into horseback riding. (Sub in any activity there and the point remains the same.) (CLICK)

Here’s a great example of a behavioral boundary: Not having to share passwords to your email, social media accounts, or phone with those in your life. Just like we teach your body belongs to you, so too does your technology and what you choose to do with it –with that being said, we want you to always use it safely, but in any healthy relationship, this boundary should always be there. (CLICK)

And lastly, we have hit on this in every example so far, but we really want to hit it home, is respect for differing values and beliefs –for example, you can respect another’s religion even when it differs from your own views. Respect for others’ beliefs and values really is a key point of any healthy relationship.

The next aspect of any healthy relationship is communication.

Communication comes in many forms:(CLICK)

Verbal or spoken word (CLICK)

Nonverbal, like body language (CLICK)

Written, and electronically written

In a healthy relationship, we want communication to be what we call assertive.

Assertivecommunication means that one is able to stand up for their, or someone else’s, rights and opinions in a calm and positive way. (PLAY VIDEO)

So in the video we just saw, we were introduced to 2 other types of communication: passive –which is too shy –and aggressive –which is too rude.

Now how do we find this balance and practice assertive communication? (CLICK)

First of all, have a goal in mind when trying to communicate important information to someone in your life.

Next, you want to avoid assumptions because this can easily change the feel of a conversation to aggressive. Be aware of your tone and your own emotions; be confident in what you say, but not cocky.

Practice active listening to what the other person is saying because it’s their right to have their own opinion be heard in turn too.

Lastly, is compromise. We’re taught compromise as children and there’s a reason for that: it fosters healthy relationships throughout the lifespan, when done in an open, fair, and mutually respectful manner.

Equalityis the next key aspect of healthy relationships that we want talk about. But before we do, let’s think about a couple of discussion points.

1 –are the rules the same for both people in any given relationship?

2 –what about in romantic relationships?

3 –is equality a 50/50 split?

The truth is isthat relationships –all relationships –can change over time as people’s needs, interests, and desires change over time.

That’s okay, in fact that is normal. What is hard to pinpoint and important to be aware of is how equality shifts over time.

Truth is, equality can mean different things to different partners and people.

But what matters is how you and your partner define it for your relationship Have the discussion about equality with your partner, or even with your close friends –especially if one of you is unhappy.

So even after all of this talkabout it, equality may still feel hard to pindownin any given relationship. Take a moment and think about these questions and the important relationships in your life.

(Read questions)

The last key aspect of a healthy relationship is self esteem.

Self esteem is defined as confidence in or satisfaction with oneself. So here’s a question for you: How can self esteem impact your relationships with others?

(DISCUSS)

Here’s a quote from a healthy relationship advice columnistthat we want you to think about as your continue to grow into unique and awesome individuals and develop a healthy sense of self esteem.

“Be careful how you are talking to yourself, because you are listening.”

(Discuss if time allows)

Having talked about thekey aspects of healthy relationships, let’s now talk about the rights and responsibilities you have and what they are exactly.

In a relationship,you have the right to respect and to be treated as an equal. You have the right to your own feelings and opinions and to express yourself. In a relationship, you have the right to make your own decisions regardless of your partner’s or friend’s desires. You also have the right to say No to things like hanging out, but also “NO” to things like sexual activity; just because you may be in a romantic relationship does not ever mean that consent is an automatic things. It is your right to say no to what you’re not comfortable or into doing. Always.

Moving on, just as you can enter a relationship, you can leave a relationship. It is your right to end a relationship anytime you so desire, whether your partner wants to or not.

And lastly, it is your right to be safe and to get support as you feel you might need it, from people like trusted adults, good friends, school personnel, and other professionals like licensed counselors.

However,let’s remember that your also have responsibilities, the first of which is to determine your limits and values in a relationship. This is a big one, and it is something that is best thought about before or as soon as you enter into a relationship.

And just as you have the right to receive respect and honesty, you are responsible for giving those things in return, particularly regarding others’ feelings, opinions, and decisions. And lastly, as a partner or as a friend, you have a responsibility to listen.

Now we’re going to talk about relationships that have crossed the line on the spectrum and have become unhealthy.

In fact, we are going to watch a video that depicts a romantic relationship crossing over time and again from healthy to unhealthy. Let’s watch. (Play video)

Here is how we are going to define an unhealthy relationship:

It is “Characterized by hurtful and violent behaviors, intimidation, and coercion. One partner wants to make all the decisions and is demanding and controlling.”

Soin a romantic relationship, there are some red flags to look out for. One of them may not necessarily mean that your relationship is unhealthy but it could mean that it might be moving that way on the relationship spectrum.

The first red flag is possessiveness and it may manifest in constant calls, texts, or contact; jealousy; or isolation from friend groups.

The second red flag we want to talk about is emotional coercion, which could sound like “Because I love you…” or “If you loved me…” or “Maybe I should find someone who…”

And the last red flag is a bit of a tricky one: Excessive flattery. It’s good to feel good in a relationship and you should receive kind words in a relationship, but when it becomes excessive, it may be a red flag that your partner is more invested than you and equality may be out of sorts. Some examples are “I’ve never felt like this…” or promises they may not be able to keep like “I’ll always be here for you….”

Moving on from red flagsare signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Things like jealousy, guilt trips, blaming other people of circumstances for relationship trouble are all signs of an unhealthy relationship. In addition, if your partner exhibits unpredictable behaviors or you feel like you lack control in a relationship, it could be a sign that the relationship is unhealthy.

Promises to change are another sign that your relationship is flawed in some way and may be running down that spectrum from healthy to unhealthy.

And lastly, verbal abuse is a major indicator of an unhealthy relationship.

We’re going to now watch a video that depictsa relationship that was once healthy but has moved down that spectrum and become unhealthy. (PLAY VIDEO and then use follow up questions to generate discussion, if time allows)

Now we are going to talk about the ultimateunhealthy relationship, where not only is the relationship unhealthy, it is abusive. But what we are going to focus

“…Threats as well as physical and sexual assaults, even when they occur infrequently, keep the victim fearful of potential violence. Over time the victim loses self‐confidence and supportive relationships with friends and family.”

Sadly, 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will experience relationshipviolence in his or her lifetime.

Now we want to talk aboutexiting an unhealthy or abusive relationship.

First of all, seek support prior to leaving AND do not confront your abusive partner alone; bring a friend or trusted adult with you. Secondly, break up with them in a safe and public setting to best reduce your risk of a violent reaction. And lastly, recall that your safety overrides all things.

What this means is that healthy relationship norms do not apply –MEANING you do not have to do this in person if you feel unsafe.

If Time Allows, “Let’s watch a video that recaps all these things we just spoke about:”

Read slide, if time allows.

Talk about resources

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Activity if time allows.