SUREFIREPREDICTIONSFOR 2002

GUARANTEED99.9% INACCURATE:

By Nicole Pecenka

Economics: The world will be fa<.:ingscri• ous economic downturns.

Politics: The US will become a third world country. World peace will not hreak out this year. Beyond that, Some dorks will be reclected. some, schmu<.:ks will be fired or replaced, but jerks - well. jerks will be with us forever.

Bad luck always comes in threes. Remember that hair is flammable.

Science and Engineering: Mad cow disease will be cured, but irate chicken disease will be discovered. Flying car prototypes will leave the drawing board.

If you have a monkey on your head, have someone scare it off. They can bite.

Education: The exam-free course schedule is in the works. Here's something to consider: good hye university-college, hello regional university! (Perhaps then we'd gel 011r new building?)

Clowns will become popular. Mime:- will fm;e death threat~.

Entertainmunt: A swing dance ohscssinn will ~weep the nation (for more rnfnrmation. come to roorn A226). Punk will be replaced by a resurgen1.:cor cfocn fever.

Mustard

ycll,1w will he the new black

We will learn hnw to talk to the animak If you have ever wanted to have a heun to heart with a platypus, now's your <.:hancc.

Bewnre a three-eyed mnn in a hat.

Now that we have the general predictions out of the way, here are the horoscopes fur 2002:

Aries: A tenden<.:y10 do too much will be exaggerated in the New Year. Puce yourself to avoid burning out. Don't be discouraged by a loss of enthusiasm. Try to be more considerate of others this year, and unexpected friendships or secret allies may be yours.

Taurus: People may try to lean on you more heavily this year. Limit the numbers of char• ities you support at one time, and prioritize your life. Don't be too critical or others this year. Try to sec something from another per• son's point of view. Expose yourself to new foods or experiences this year.

Gemini: As 2002 promises tn be more hectic, challenges will abound this year. Hamper a need for the new and develop your existing skills. Don't procrastinate if you want to SU<.:<.:cecl at all this year.

Cancer: This wi 11he a gnod year for you 1 Just make sure that you have enough lime fnr yourself. A long-lost acquainwnce may come tn call.

Ll'O Your ability tn nrganilc am.I delegate tusks will be well utili1ed this year. Dun't he su,pri\1.:d if you find yourself in a pnsitinn

11fa11thori1yin several ~illlations this year. Jr l'i~ct:s: Your kids (if you huvt: them) will try to walk all over ynu. GroutH.I th1.:111.Give your~ell l1111e ancJspace to drea111.StanJ up ln y11u1ho~1,or partm.:r if 11ecessury.Try to focu\ 1in ~ll<.:ictyat large without conccnlnlling nn every individual around you.

1ou play your cards right this year, financiJI ci r<,;1111,~lances w i II it nprove <.:on1.idcrabl y.

Virgo: Be vigilant about your health and well being! You may be tempted to ignore yourself this year. Fo<.:uson the little things uncl do no more than 2 things at once. Try to avoid making decisions on odd numbered days before 9 am.

Libra: If you can't commit to anything this year, you're in trouble. If you're able to knuckle under, things look good for 2002. You may encounter a new love interest or a resuri;cncc of passion in an existing one.

Scorpio: A lung journey may be fated for you. Be sure you have your life in order so that. if necessary, you can take off at a moment's notice.

Sagittarius: A big change is in store for you. The ability lo positively influence others is crucial tu sustaining relationships this year. Tell a Lt:u near you to lighten up.

Capricorn: Conflicts with loved ones ore inevitable and potentially numerous this year. The number and intensity of these co11frontations are solely reliant on yol1r ability to tolerate crap nnd Lukea joke.

Aqu.iriu~: Let your dream~ take wing! Alignments und funky energies at many points this year will 111agnil'yy()ur creative scope: take auvunlllge or these oppo, tun ,ties and make a stat1::n1i.:nl.