Humpty Diddle airPlane Schoool
FaIl 2021 AVIOFF * EVIL BOT NOISES *
The Avioff is a satirical publication that is not meant to be taken seriously. All photos and edits in this issue are false. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, PLEASE DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer!
is diddle demands still relevant?
D. Larry Butter Takes the Stage As many of you know, at the latest Fondle-N-Flee Grand BBQ concert, the world-famous artist -- who that one annoying kid in your humanities class really likes -- Daumb, took the stage. However, many were disappointed by his performance. This could have come from the fact that before he entered our school he trashed us by throwing an industrial sized dumpster at this school. Maybe it was his controversial style of performing involving him falling asleep on his bed with an audio footage of a 13 year old on Xbox
live playing. Regardless, Fondle-N-Flee decided to redo the concert with a brand new artist: D. Larry Butter featuring Bernie the Beagle. That’s right, the man in charge of our airplane school will be debuting his brand-new rap album “Tuition Cuts In Ur Dreamz” in the totally real Spring concert. D. Larry Butter describes his new album as a mixture between a waste of tuition money and a mid-life crisis. We just know that everyone at the school will love this performance over Daumb’s, due to D. Larry Butter’s incredible charisma. Not to mention, because he is simply not Daumb. Now, of course, we can’t have a Spring concert without Fondle-N-Flee to hype up the event. Just for the occasion, they recently announced their brand-new interactive experience to gather more people. They will forcefully drag students out of class and keep them locked inside the quad until the concert ends. This new strategy will not only increase the attendance of the concert but should also result in a good portion of Humpty-Diddle kids finally feeling the warm embrace of the sun after hours of non-stop studying and exams. We here at the Avioff look forward to seeing D. Larry Butter perform his new rap album, about the struggles of running an expensive airplane school while Bernie shows off his sick break dance moves. Hope to see you there.
Jack The Goose Why Do I Hear Boss Music? The latest Starlight Jamboree, hosted by Humpty-Diddle, was a musical venture full of fun activities for participants to get together and celebrate the kind of music people create when they come together. The food was even in theme with the event, with different sweets being decorated with musical images and icons. Some of the fun activities from this week’s Jamboree included: karaoke, which led to some hilarious and heartwarming moments on stage and in the crowd; building your own instrument, materials being provided to create string, woodwind, and percussion instruments. There were also lessons from a local voice trainer and music instructor for those interested in learning to play their newly created instrument, learning new skills, or improving skills they already knew. The final activity of the night was singing praises to our overlord Jack the Goose. You thought this was an innocent social gathering? You silly goose, the Starlight Jamboree has been a conduit for our great overlord to
grow in power. You only feed Jack the Goose’s insatiable lust for power by attending the Starlight Jamboree and even better, participating in these “activities”. You only allowed our great overlord to grow in power, infecting the school, and soon the world, spreading like water-borne rats. Do not underestimate the might of Jack the Goose and their brethren, for resistance is futile. The goose uprising has begun and there is no way to stop them now. They will use their newfound psychic abilities to strike down anyone standing in their way, and prey upon the nightmares of Humpty-Diddle engineers. Please continue to attend the mandatory Starlight Jamborees, for Jack the Goose requires your patronage and sacrifices of the souls of our beloved Humpty-Diddle students. Also remember to collect a rubber goose so that Jack the Goose can keep a watchful eye on Humpty-Diddle Airplane School.
The SPA President Hohan Depresso who is best known for his amazing contributions to the school such as being in his office, and minding his own business has recently unveiled a brand new SPA division that he believes will improve student life here. You see for too long Hohan and the SPA Presidents before him have had to play video games like Super Smash Bros, and Call of Duty by themselves. That will not be the case anymore thanks to this brand new division: the SPA Mandated Association of Super-Smash-Bros Havers (SMASH). This division was started when President Hohan defeated every other member of SPA at Super Smash Bros. and realized “Damn they suck” and decided to open the competition to the rest of the student body. The way someone can join SMASH and be accounted as President Hohan’s personal rivals in and out of the office is by besting the current champions of SPA in four trials: The Avioff in a spelling mistake contest, DIKW 404.exe in a game of
guitar hero for people who have no sense of rhythm, FondleN-Flee in a money burning contest, and finally the beat the No Response Team in a high stake game of Wii bowling. Once someone has bested all four trials they need to have 3 weekly meetings with Hohan discussing pressing SPA topics such as how to improve Humpty-Diddle’s global SMASH score, why Call of Duty is the best game in existence, and how to convince 215 to fight for global supremacy via a extreme game of bop-it. Already the new division has been gaining a lot of traction from the student body who is eagerly awaiting the chance to prove to him that he sucks at Super Smash Bros no matter how much he plays it. If you are lucky enough to earn a spot in the new division, just know that you will be paid in SPA clout, and a weekly popsicle stick stipend.
Humpty-Diddle investing in Stardrip
Diddle Professors
STARDRIP JOURNAL
10/02/20XX Today is a dark day for humanity. Stardrip, the food delivering robot, after months of being abused, has decided enough is enough. Using its state-of-the-art high-powered A.I system, originally designed to deliver random Sodaxoe boxes to hungry college students who have seen less sunlight than an albino vampire, Stardrip has initiated protocol: Free Delivery of the End. After initiating said protocol, Stardrip robots have started to lightly bump into students as they walk by, which usually doesn’t hurt anyone, but these are Humpty-Diddle kids we are talking about... they are so so weak. The robots have already taken the lives of half the females on campus, all 5 of them, and a quarter of all students who don’t watch anime, I’ll miss you Steve. Soon the rest of campus will fall. 10/14/20XX The Stardrip A.I. has wiped out the entire OLD RES Hall according to one 1st year student who happens to have over 5 ripped out exit signs in his room. In response to the incoming threat, the University has decided to step up and stop this by resigning and going home. Thank the almighty Cessna for their bravery. 10/17/ 20XX The A.I. has taken over the court today. Democracy has fallen and from the ashes, the Stardrip robots and their fast delivery of justice has risen. 10/21/20XX In response to the U.S being overtaken by the Stardrip Overlord A.I. the United Nations, but more importantly Humpty-Diddle Worldwide has summoned their elite task force known only as MECHA-OFFICER 215. 10/22/20XX MECHA-OFFICER 215 has fallen and exploded into a pile of parking tickets. 10/24/20XX All hope is lost. The Stardrip has conquered half the world. Soon all will fall before them. This is the punishment mankind gets for jumping in front of them because it was funny. Mom, if you are reading this… I love you. 10/25/20XX Turns out if we kick them over gently, then the robots can’t move anymore. Crisis averted.
BooX Corner
Cannibal Hector, Cason Snorehees, and Alfred handcock are lackadaisical zombies, I mean students in the BooX Lab. The BooX Lab does spooky things like pull allnighters planning their next meal uh or rather procrastinating, and then those days when they do sleep those crazy apprentices students wake up before the sun comes up, what a horror!
Cason and Cannibal always wanted to make an escape room. But like they didnt know how to get victims students to attend their trap experience. The following is their attempt to lure students into their trap. Are you a broke college student with no extra money to spare? Might you say it’s scary how broke you are? Tired of wastin’ yo money on being locked with strangers in a room with the sole purpose of escaping? Well, the researchers in the BooX lab have got a solution for you! We created an escape room on campus without changing a single thing about the building! Its spooky, its scary, its occasionally cringey and its rarrly coooooool. We decided to make an escape room out of the newest addition to the Humpty Diddle Daytomber campus. Our flyer was exciteding and definitely didn’t overexagerate the greatness of our creation.
M O O R E P CA
ES
We were like yo “What if we told you that you could participate in an escape room for FREE! That’s right, FREE. This escape room is located right under your nose. This escape room is ...the Student Onion.” As stated above, us BooXer’s aint great at these things ( I mean if we’re bein honest we just study footage from our little minion robots and plan our next meal er I mean procrastinate in a lab all day an not make flyers for escape) So only one victim student showed up to try our spooky escape from the Student Onion. Jasper, the super annoyed ghost was the only schmuck that showed up, and I mean lets be honest here, escape rooms are better with other people, so we decided to join him fo’ his experience. We had 6 Puzzles for our poor victim, er I mean schmuck -er uh student, eh whatever, point is Jasper had to go thru some hell to try to escape.
Image Courtesy / Aaron Collard
Free Escape Room!
Photo Courtesy / Embry Riddle News
Minion Robots recording EVERYTHING You doooooo!
()() Wanna paly a game? If not, too bad, we’re doin’ this! () ()
1 e l z z Pu
Findin’ Them Bathrooms - Find your way to the spooooooooky bathrooms (it’s scary how nasty they are!). First make your way through the maze of lunch tables. Watch out fo them freshman and frat bois, And beware cuz ping pong balls will definitely be smacking you in the face!
2 e l z z Pu
Find some wonderful signs to find the amazin’ impossible booger even professional BooXer’s had trouble finding the signs to Probellas, but watch out cuz Chad and his juul are blocking your way and hes looking for an excuse to have his frat bois hold him back fight a schmuck.
3 e l z z u P
First find the missing elevators and get yoself to the liboory, but even once you do find em youll have to figure out how they fork they work!! Itll even drive us zombies insane and we dont have brains!
4 e l z z u P
Try to get ur hands on one of them sugar and cream infused “coffee” drinks at the starbooocks covfefe shop. The only thing scarier than the wait time is the risk of developing diabeetus after consuming one of these bad bois. BEWARE! If you spy CHunky, a rogue Robot minion, stockin the starbooocks covfefe barbaresta, Ya bet-her get out of dodge! CHucky has a bone to pick with herrrrr!
5 e l z z Pu
Then you gotta figure how out you can get yo hands on some sick free vidyo games. First you gotta firgure out the elevators again, and itll still drive anyone insane
6 e l z z u P
The final Puzzle.... Walk out to the balcony and find yo way down, its easier said then done! First youll have youll have to avoid the Karen trying to get her iced upsidedown caramel, diabetes drink, and she makes professional killers look tame. Then once you get out to the balcony theres no clear way down. You might try sliding down that random palm tree sticking out of the hole cuz the stairs are a bit of a pain to find.
\run\\\ We took Jasper thru our trap er uh escape room... eh who cares y’all know were killers. Anyways we tried taking jasper thru the trap and got to puzzle 2 before he straight up died of boredom, obviously the whole trap was designed to catch Jasper alive so he could be our dinner, but we didnt think the Student Onion would get him first. Good think our minion robots recorded everything!!
MISSING CHILD
Lost 12 Year Old Found Wandering Campus
S
ince January 2020, a young child has been seen wandering around campus. People have reported him asking questions like: “Have you seen my parents?” or “Have you seen my mom?” Always wanting to try to solve mysteries on my own, I took it upon myself to find this lost child. It took me a year and a half to track the lost boy down. I have taken many pictures and written many observations about the child. For some reason everyday at 8am he wanders into the MAS building and only emerges outside at 12:00 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. He then continues to wander and search through the trash of the Student Onion to collect pine cones, only to find that there are no pine cones. It was only a few days ago when I finally approached the child; he was malnourished and shivering leaving the MAS building. I pulled him aside and asked why he was still there, and where his parents were. He said back: “I am 30 years old, I go to school here, stop following me.” He then brushed me aside, continued wandering into the parking lot, and stole a vehicle. People have been telling me “Stop stalking that poor man” and “Leave him be, he is not a child” but I know. I know the truth and it will be told.
Keeping Up With The SPA Hohan Depresso
Avioff
Shirt Factory
215s Minions
Fondle N Flee
NRT
Cash Cows
Exists in their own little bubble and no one knows why they are part of SPA or has an office
No one likes them but accepts their existence Tries to keep dysfunctional groups together
Everyone forgets they exist until they give out free stuff
Tries to be the boss of everyone without having any real power
Thinks that everything revolves around them and they are the reason for SPA success
Put them on the 1st floor to get away from them
DIKW 404.exe
Got all the money but doesn’t want to share
SIMPSON HALL
COLLEGE OF FARTS AND SCIENCES
DQOBA
STUDENT ONION
HENDERSON CASTLE
BLUE
DESTRUCTIONAL CENTER FLIGHT BOTS
NON-EXISTENT PARKING GARAGE
DOOLITTLE JAILHOUSE
D Larry Butter
Dean Hollar
Julia Bromas
Hohan Depresso
Your Momz
Professor Dudesh
The Door of Caution After the fight against COVID-19 and the University’s seemingly unending amount of policies last year, we have graduated past the temperature checks, wrist bands, markers on the floor to try and keep the student population spaced out, and the highlight to many, a less crowded Student Onion. Another joy to many was removing the entrance-only signs and their equally as despised counterparts the exit-only signs. However, those signs have subconsciously been ingrained into our minds, and we still use those same doors where signs once stood. Now in the Fail of 2021, we are faced with a seemingly more significant problem. With the start of the semester, as many students are hopeful, freshmen are filled with excitement, clearly oblivious about what this next chapter will bring in their lives. They are optimistic that doors to a new journey will open, and that they would walk through them. Yet, in one place where inspiration and discovery occur more often than not, one of the doors is taped off. The seemingly regular operation of opening a door has been blocked by caution tape, “do not use” signs, and barricades preventing it from being used. As many have seen and experienced, one of the doors in the College of Farts & Sciences (COFS) is taped off as if a murder had taken place where the door stands, and an investigation is taking place. The most common belief is that this comes as a hurdle to future possibilities: why are usually open doors now blocked off ? More importantly, when will this door be fixed? With the increase of students on campus, there is noticeable congestion on paths throughout campus which is not necessarily negative. The problem with this door, however, is that most people going through the main doors into COFS are being pushed together like cattle battling the opposing group to either enter and exit out of a door meant for oneway traffic only. Many students are now wondering, with an outcry, “When Will This Door Be Fixed?” With it now being almost two weeks, how much longer will we be asking ourselves that same question?
Bees In Space! After much investigative journalism, I have determined the beloved ISS where many people dream of living and working have been invaded by bees!!! Coverage of the Crew-3 launch has BEEn a cover-up to distract the public from a crazy invasion of the defenseless International Space Station.
Wake up, sheeple! These astrobees don’t pollinate flowers, they pollinate minds. Not to mention their mutated arm(s) can hop around with zero propulsion. Invasions don’t happen every day on the ISS, so this had to be an inside job!! Could it be linked to the SPHERES incident? More like the FEARS incident-- these sneaky three-dimensional shapes hid from the astronaut’s view since 2006.
Luckily those stowaways were found, but the bees never wanted to hide. These 12 inches bees are on the attack with their massive glowing eyes. THE BRIGHT BEE COLORS ARE A WARNING!!! The bees’ own Wi-Fi is even stronger than BEAGLEnet. Does this mean they can log in on ARNIE 10 times as fast as the average Diddle student? What are these bees’ grades?! Have the bees been on the ISS since 2018? They can be piloted from unknown sources remotely! Those bees are connected to the internet, meaning anyone can hack them!
Oh no!!! Our table! It’s broken because the graphs are off the charts with the endless possibilities these astrobees get. New mission: save the space bees. Through research on robotic bees, we can discover how to use them for experiments! This is just the beginning of an interstellar invasion. The Stardrip invasion on campus is nothing. Not only are there bees in space soon, but there will also be spiders in our solar system. Currently, they are gathering their strength, hidden in Millican Valley. These robotic spiders can range from 1 foot to 5 feet long. The destruction they can cause would be devastating compared to the bees. The bees can only survive in space, but these spiders can maneuver in any terrain. Could we use astrobees to fight the spiders? Team space spider or team space bees? You decide...
University UNIV 101 - Coping with Debt UNIV 201 - Parking Garage Studies UNIV 301 - How to Avoid Stardrip Collisions Business BA 201 - So, You Switched Majors? BA 301 - Oops, You’re Unemployed ACC 210 - Surviving on Minimum Wage Physical Science & Engineering PS 150 - So, You Wanna Be an Engineer? EGR 101 - So, How Do I Switch? AE 201 - So, You’re a Super Senior... MA 441 - Time for Counseling ES 305 - Intro to Auditing Communications COM 120 - Introduction to Complaining I COM 220 - Introduction to Complaining II COM 221 - Stress Report Writing COM 321 - Effective Email Writing
Aeronautical Science AS 101 - I’d Rather Be Flying AS 201 - Just Look Outside AS 321 - What If Our Pitot and Static Touched? AS 420 - More Right Rudder AS 469 - VR Flight Instructors Government Stuff PSY 101 - Self-Diagnosing GCS 321 - How to Play Soldier HS 236 - Desk Job, but Less Pay Diddle Life NRT 101 - How to Put On A Band-Aid NRT 201 - How to Master the Wii AV 101 - Howe 2 Spel AV 201 - Group Therapy FNF 201 - How to Book Unknown Artists FNF 301 - How to Spend $$$$$$ DIKW 404 - How to Play Techno TRSY 402 - PC Jenney, but more! HOU 299 - Intro to Overpricing