Avioff Fall 2017

| Issue 69 | Volume 9001 | Twosday, October 35th, 2017 | theavioff.xxx |

The AVioff

SCARYER Edition

SpaceWhy ready to probe Uranus ugh . illdeau Drilling Specialist

What’s Inside you

During a press confERence last night, SpaceWhy announced a major milestone in their probing department. A Musky Rocket Industries spokespERson stated that they are now working on launching “the biggest, blackest probe we’ve ever seen” directly into Uranus. The mission objective is to e plore the depths of the far away and strange planet that no one has yet to get into. When asked about pace hy’s cancelled plans for last year’s biggER, blackER probe, the spokespERson elected not to answER any more questions on the embarrassing mattER. he probe is e pected to launch on 20 April

2018 from the middle of some dude’s farm in Bangkok. After liftoff the probe unofficially named the BBP, will slingshot around Venus and head directly into Uranus, where it will hopefully not prematurely e plode on approach or during atmosphERic entry.

It will be carried into orbit on the Swallow III boostER rocket, whERe it will then begin the long, dark, depressing journey to the land where the sun don’t shine.

In the past, SpaceWhy has been credited with successful launches of other vehicles such as the avERage white probe and the small yellow probe, but ne t year s probe will

Unbelivable Trickshot Montage by Usi ivan

A69

be the largest the world will ever see. nfortunately, SpaceWhy has also made news with unsuccessful launches of the fat brown probe. When they tried to launch it, the rocket fell over and blew the fuck up shortly before ignition. Since SpaceWhy was only missing 26 words in their press release to meet the minimum required word count to the public they decided to add this sentence.

If you are intERested in helping to ERect the biggest, blackest probe and joining SpaceWhy on this monumental journey, please contact the Director of SpaceWhy, Eelon Gated with any questions, comments, or concERns.

Tips and Tricks for safe driving with sore eyes

I4

Photo Stolen From: Justshoveit Inc. A rendering of the SpaceWhy P.L.U.G. Lander on the surface of the moon orbiting Uranus

The best explosive materials for your next physics lab

C4

DO YOU READ THIS

CATIA

V.3

Actual Hell

People Who Care Barney Child One Child Two Child Three Child Four Child Five

Amanda Hugandkiss Schmuck Face Aloha Snackbar Sigmar Deltam MothER Earth DJ Indecisive

Friendly Neighborhood Advisors Front Editor Campus Editor GAS Editor Student Life Editor Opinions Editor I&T Editor Sports Editor Comics Editor EntERtainment Editor Feature Editor Copy Editor

Dr. Ew Peacock Quiche Thunkenstein Ben Dova Mike Hawksmall Big Dip Dr. Mantis Toboggan Pay Way The Prophet Mohammed (Praise be Unto Him) French Belgian Waffle III Ray Charound

Diddle Cats Spayed/NeutERed Not Spayed/NeutERed

Breakfast Lunch DinnER Midnight Snack DessERt

OthER Pets Justin OttER, Timmy Turtle, CRASH Bandicoot

The Adult Girl Who Is Constantly On HER Phone

Don’t Talk to Us Main Phone: (202) 456-1111 Ad ManagER: (386) 252-0463 Fax NumbER: (212) 556-3622 Website: clubpenguin.com According to all known laws of aviation, thERe is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black.

Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let’s shake it up a little. Barry!

Breakfast is ready! Coming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam?

- Can you believe this is happening? - I can’t. I’ll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your fathER paid good money for those. Sorry. I’m excited. HERe’s the graduate. We’re vERy proud of you, son. A pERfect report card, all B’s. VERy proud. Ma! I got a thing going hERe. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That’s me! - Wave to us! We’ll be in row 118,000.

- Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. NevER thought I’d make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those wERe awkward. Three days college. I’m glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back diffERent. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funERal? - No, I’m not going. EvERybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don’t waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That’s why we don’t need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... undER the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive City graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our cERemonies. And begins your careER at Honex Industries! Will we pick our job today? I heard it’s just orientation. Heads up! HERe we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - WondER what it’ll be like? - A little scary.

Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point whERe you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She’s my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we’re all cousins. - Right. You’re right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve evERy aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. HERe we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs aftER you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that evERy small job, if it’s done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you’ll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn’t know that. What’s the diffERence? You’ll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven’t had one day off in 27 million years. So you’ll just work us to death? We’ll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! “What’s the diffERence?” How can you say that? One job forevER? That’s an insane choice to have to make. I’m relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they nevER have told us that? Why would you question anything? We’re bees. We’re the most pERfectly functioning society on Earth. You evER think maybe things work a little too well hERe? Like what? Give me one example. I don’t know. But you know what I’m talking about. Please clear the gate.

Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Check it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I’ve nevER seen them this close. They know what it’s like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don’t come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You’re monstERs! You’re sky freaks!

I love it! I love it! - I wondER whERe they wERe. - I don’t know. Their day’s not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows whERe, doing who knows what. You can’t just decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That’s more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It’s just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. PERhaps.

Unless you’re wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies?

Aren’t they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Couple of Hive Harrys. - Let’s have fun with them. It must be dangERous being

Half Moon

69 0420

TH

UnivERsity Departments Battle OvER Rights to “No Man’s Land”

Duke FERdinand LeadER of Austria

Humpty-Diddle loves to tear things down, especially students’ self-esteem, so when the opportunity arose to tear down anothER residence just when the school needed it most due to rising acceptance rates, they did not hesitate at all.

While the building was a failed relic from back when Humpty-Diddle was in the roadside motel business, it still could have been useful to our growing student body that is currently ovERflowing from our current dormitories. I mean just last week I saw six freshman camping on a rooftop because all the rooms in the Newman Andshiny Resident Hall wERe completely filled by RA’s and low paid campus Security intERns. While the growing student residency problem continues to take its toll on campus, the departments have started to bickER about the rights to the land. Originally the land was meant for anothER new residence hall, howevER,

the uppER administration quickly became indecisive as large bribes started flowing in from evERywhERe. Diplomacy also failed to maintain peace among the colleges, and the departments’ war had befallen on that small useless dirt lot now known as “no man’s land.”

The physical sciences department originally had a good foothold aftER transforming their momentum expERiments into automatic

machine guns that fire imaginary bullets (just like their numbERs). HowevER, that lead was quickly destroyed by the engineERing department, which transformed their Diddle-mobile into an ovER-budget, behind-schedule Mark V battle tank that is historically inaccurate. Ultimately the flight department won the day by dropping money on the men below from their EmERald GAY24 aircraft. They

wERe actually just doing normal lessons, but cash is a byproduct of their exhaust system.

AftER the battle when the dust settled the true winnER was the plank of untrustworthiness who profited greatly from this showdown of the century.

HGI Photography SERvices Humpty-Diddle professors fight to the death over the empty lot. De-colorized 1869.

DiddlERs

HoctobER

33 2017

TH

Page

A3

The Puff

issing tudent n A athroom rea

Missing student has finally been found aftER nearly a wee of

elly elly was found late onday night in the ollege of nemploy ment. ampus safety and security of ump ty iddle Airplane

of elly’s disappear ance by his roommates on unday aftERnoon.

Reports show that the roommates had not seen or been able to

being missing.

school

communicate with

Dolores Pain The ProducER

unior

wERe

notified

elly

for ovER three days. “ had been en oying the peace and uiet in our room for the past couple of days. could finally sleep and study without the constant intERruptions of elly’s blasting of music and sobbing because of his poor grades. y conscience only became concERned aftER the othER suitemates ept bugging me about el ly’s whEReabouts. o loo li e oogle aps have no idea whERe he could have been. hen you find him please warn me want to bas in the last few seconds of silence ” stated el ly’s roommate while being intERviewed on

Angelic. ince the report was first filed officERs had been diligently search ing each floor of the ld Residence uar tERs. “ e really need to fi this bro en ele vator situation. am winded from these four flights of stairs. n a positive note a student has come forward with a clue regarding elly’s last location ” reported fficER rown. otes say that the student last saw elly in the computER lab. pon reaching the ol lege of nemployment officERs found elly waiting in a stall in the women’s restroom. “ had to use the bath

room bad aftER spend ing three hours on my engineERing report. already drun so many enERgy drin s that wasn’t focused on read ing the bathroom signs. wal ed into the bath room did my business and was ready to go. uddenly heard girls’ giggling from outside the door and refused to leave. was so embar rassed ” e plained elly aftER the search party ended. elly has since been safely returned to his dorm room and is now banned from all public restrooms at the univERsity.

umpty iddle to ave ore Economical redit hours

Space Cowboy Chief Cow Command

umpty iddle to ave ore Economical redit ours hERe has been some disconnect between umpty id dle and the student population. ell ne t semestER this is all about to change. ump ty iddle has finally listened to the voice of the students and are ma ing momen tous changes to credit hours ne t semestER.

ue to the popularity of labs counting as only one credit hour but are three hours of in class time umpty id dle plans to reduce all classes to one credit hour. ow do not get this wrong the classes are still held for three hours a wee as they currently are and will remain the same dif ficulty and education levels as before. nly now they will count for one credit instead of three. ith this plan umpty iddle

hopes to increase credit value to students by giv ing them more educa tion pER credit while maintaining current credit hour pricing. his seems a dramatic turnaround from their current business motto and creed “ oney ir t.” “ any univERsities are e pensive and umpty iddle is no e ception. ow will be able to get more edu cation for the massive amounts of debt am accumulating.” EvERy

one on ampus he re uired cred its to remain a full time student and to graduate will remain unchanged. he rea soning behind this is to allow students a bet tER chance of ta ing all the classes they want each semestER before graduation. his is a fi to students complain ing about high credit hour ma ors and not having enough time for coursewor . nstead of the students feeling ovERwhelmed with the wor from credits

a semestER they now only need to ta e credits to remain full time and eep on trac with their education. “ always find it so hard to fit all the class es need into a semes tER this change will help eep AE ma ors on trac ” leep eprived vER or ed AE ndERgraduate hese changes are said not to be retro active for any previous semestERs ta en. nrelated ews ince the announce ment of

credit hour changes thERe has been a report of a massive numbER of students oining the s ydiving club. ith the significant increase in numbERs the s y diving club is no longER offERing parachute rentals with their club dues. hen as ed about these changes a recently oined club membER responded “ t doesn’t ma e much diffERence to me did not plan on using a parachute anyways.”

MAY

Fresh Meat

30 2003

TH

ish Are ood

o all the fresh men struggling on campus your friendly neighborhood podcast commentators have some sERendipitous advice for you. he biggest piece of advice we can offER you is to those who have cars on campus. he most important thing you can do is to ust par at the . uite fran ly us oldER students are just that,

oldER. ith decaying bones and muscles, we need to park closER to the main part of campus so that we can safely ma e it to class. n fact you might as well ust not bring cars to campus. e actually need all the parking, thERe are a lot of uppERclassmen students who live off campus and we need to get to school. on’t be a bitch, just walk evERywhERe. AnothER piece of advice is don’t befriend us. o not tal to us. o not even loo at us. e have been hERe for a

umpty Diddle DiddlER Investigator Galore Diddle 374 suffERed total engine failure while on a routine night flight training run. he student pilot traveled out with his instructor and would-be girlfriend. ith no way to return to the airport, the student was forced to land the plane in a small grassy clearing in the practice area. he area was above a large state forest, but this part of the forest was not well-monitored by rangERs. n fact no rangERs wERe on duty that evening. he three wERe completely on their own. he light of fireflies and the chirping of crick-

long time and just want to get the hell out of hERe. e don’t want new friends we don’t want to answER your uestions we ust don’t care. ind it out ust li e we did. f you decide to join a club, shut the hell up. ou don’t now what you actually thin you do. e have been hERe longER than you and know what we are doing, or at least can pretend long enough that we do. e don’t care about your opinion. f you become an assis tant to one of the club

42

Wallaby Way Sydney

ot riends

e ec membERs don’t try and do their obs or thin you have any authority. f thERe is an issue that the e ec board membER is having with othER membERs, let them handle it. ou ust annoy them when you try to step in and do our ob. astly the Earth is an ellipsoid. or those who don’t now what that means, it means the Earth is round. on’t believe me it ERally ust thin about a lot of scientific things that occur and you should have that “oh,

duh” moment and be correct for at least once in your life. he Earth is not flat. ome types of plates are flat.

A piece of papER is flat.

A dead man’s heartbeat monitor is flat. he Earth is not. *Mic Drop*

iddle light one Wrong

ets pERmeated through the midnight air as the group foraged for loose branches and pine needles to ma e a fire.

Unknown to the group, the small clearing harbored a forgotten curse that would spell dangER for them if they dis turbed the ground by

“

e discovERed a pit in the middle of a thicket and found the student buried alive.

“

ugh . illdeau ura ou WHOR 106.9 FM Podcast Commentators

P. Sherman

any incendiary means. he group learned the hard way. t started the ne t

morning with the student going missing, followed by the girl. he instructor reported that he searched the surrounding forest for the two but could not find them. enturing out furthER, he discovERed a small shac . he shac loo ed creepy and old, and the instructor did not feel like going in. e tried approaching the building to see if he could hear any nois es from it. hERe was a faint mewing sound coming from inside, but he feared a surprise attack, so he did not go in. e made a note of the building’s loca tion and continued his search. e discovERed a pit in the middle of a thicket and found the

student buried alive. he instructor was sur prised that he did not suffocate ith no way to contact authorities, the instructor pulled the man out of the pit and untied him. e was thoroughly bound up thERe was no chance that he would have been able to escape on his own.

AftER shaking off dirt from his clothes, the two set off to find the girl. he instruc tor felt bettER about approaching the shac . hen the two of them entERed they find the girl, but she was acting strangely. he seemed to be feeding off something, and when the student called hER name, she lashed out at him.

he eithER contracted a demonic spirit or a mutant virus. he girl grabbed the student and tried to wrestle him to the floor. he instructor stepped in and broke up the struggle only to be bitten by the girl. ut of nowhERe, she summons fire and detains the instructor. he student took advantage of the brea up to escape. e runs into a search and rescue team that was sent to loo for him. e tells them the story of the incident, but the team does not believe him. t too a loud shriek for the team to realize that this was no ordinary search and rescue effort.

This advERtisement was found in a dossiER of psychology opERations documents and othER propaganda in the possession of a HDAS Prescott opERative. This HDAS opERative was a presumed sabotage agent for the new socialist republic in Arizona. The purpose of the changes to this document is yet unknown.

Superbowl

52

Jaguars

placeholdER

February

31 49 B.C.

TH

Sayonara, Semicolon!

Ardoa Fairgouschwitz Ninja-In-Training

Victory was declared on and regulations regard- ly adopted by the British OctobER 25 as Congress ing scholarly writing. This Scholars (BS) institution. agreed to pass Public Law clause, USC Title 69, states It was used in litERa(P.L.) 155-A113 aftER a that "…since the use of the ture to bring new mea staggERing 2.3 million stu- semicolon has thus become ing to a sERies of wor nds dents nationwide signed a obsolete, peER reviewed that othERwise wou ld and sch olarly journals shall have bee petition put forth by the n unassociated in hen cef ort h void the use of that particular way AmERican Language Foun(i.e., dation for AmERican Schol- the semicolon in all pub- stic in the mud . lish ed wor ks… " goin g on to symbol was quickly out his ars (ALFAS) society. The paced e ami ne specific instances by the hyp ALFAS's goal was to conhen (-) whose forof whE Re the new rule may mER role upon its inductio vince Congress that the n semicolon (;) was quickly be exempted. into English litERature was It may not see m like a to simply separate becoming like the US mint altERation, of the same word. syllables penny- a worthless tool revolutionary Realizin slowly being phased out of but it is a major win for the similarities of the twog sch olar s across the states. symbols its respective field. , and noting that Unlike the pERiod or the Changing the rules and reg- the hashdash was promptulat ions of scholarly writing ly becomi colon, the semicolon has ng irrelevant, always opERated in a gray is a difficult thing to do group of college studen a ts the last time it happened formed a pet area of the English lanition to remove was bac k in 198 5 dur ing the it from the English wri guage. Little more than a ting glorified comma the only Regan administration, when language. That small group the y rem ove d the has hdash of coll use of a semicolon is to from the legislative go on ege students would indicate a more pronounced to form the ALFAS pause between two main directive. society.

Wh at's a hashdash, you clauses. A task that had So now, ovER three already been designated to ask? That's kind of the decades latER, the basis of poin t hER e. the more functional punctuEng A hashdash, originally ing lish litERature is changation mark: the comma. once again for the betP.L. 115-A113 adds a sub- created and coined in the tER. And let us be honest clause to the current rules late 1600's by Scotsman hERe, who needs the sem iHalt O'Carrick, was quick- colo n, anyway?

Quiche Thunkenstein Chest Inspector

Yung Cash Re

gister AKA L

Study A Broad ;)

thought the flyERs said we wERe going to have the trip of a lifetime.

Well, I can say I am having a good time if only I did not have gnarly creatures pursuing me! I and "Pss a few othERs in my group Proxie!t, my " managed to catch a train I almost screamed. I companions, marred in out of the airport today, turn ed and saw one of my blood. I began counting but the rest of the group fellow travelERs, Kiv. She the casualties. Two, four, remains unaccounted for. and I emb raced for a long six, seven…

Only one professor out time.

I came upon the house .

I am so glad she is of three was with us. The safe that I think the professor . tour director…nowhERe is staying in and saw his "Did to be found. The place we othERs you see any of the body alon g with the body ?" got off was almost comof one of the creatures "No pletely vacant. ThERe was fresh , but thERe wERe lying out on the porch. not even anothER soul for dER blood trails mean- ThERe ing around the village. was apparently miles. We took advantage a stru he of the situation and set- recent ills are definitely entEReggle, and when I d the house I saw ." tled into the houses that "Given the situation, I a makeshift barricade. wERe left unlocked. The thin k we lost some of our Behind this was anothER architecture of these group one of homes is vERy tradition- ture to the hideous crea- He was our group, Gray. s so relieved to see we saw at the airal; I like it. I hope those port!" me and asked if anyone creatures have not come "Well, thERe was anoth- besides me is still alive. I this far yet. It is getting ER told him that one of the flight that was sup dark, and with only us up posed oth ER travelERs is stayto com e in latER hERe, we have absolute- than ing with me now and that our s.

Stil l no wor d ly no idea who we are up from anyone on that plane. evERyone else is dead. I against.

Cell sERvice in this village brought him ovER to my place and let him pet the is vERy poor."

Day 2 dog we found.

"I wondER if…"

We wERe attacked. I A can smell the blood from soundelow-pitched growl my house. It is still fresh, frie d behind us. My Day 3 nd hERe almost so it could not have been shrieke The creatures are on d.

I turn ed and too long ago. I am scared saw the move again. I heard to come out. Are the crea- a dogwhat I thought to be them pro .

It wling and then cam e up to us and tures still roaming the vil- star leaving last night. That ted whining. lage? The sun is up and I does not mean we are out "Hello, cutie…" can feel the mountain wind I picked up the poor dog of the woods yet. I did not blowing in my hair, but and hear a I do not know if anyone My it licked my cheek. yestER train come in at all day, so I cannot say trav el par tnE R took a else in my group survived. turn how we are going to get with the dog whi le I All I smell is blood. Slow- atte out of hER ly, I inched my head up to plan mpted to figure out a why Hum e. I do not know to pty-Diddle would get out.

At leas t the nearest window and the wan t to dog sen d us ovER hERe is help ing us stay peeked through. ThERe, calm when they wERe warned . standing in the roadway, by the country's govERnThi was a creature that I only the s aftERnoon, while ment tha cre t something was atur es wER e pur thought existed in mov- ported wro ng.

May ly be they got the slum bER ing, I ies. I am looking at a real- care notice too late? full y ven ture d out into life vERsion of a hideous the "Come on Proxie, we village to try and locate human-wolf hybrid. Its anyone need to leave! Bring the else who mig ht fangs gleamed with blood have dog too!" from its last kill, and it was carn survived last night's I have to go, so I will get age .

In som e hou ses, I sniffing around. saw the lifeless bodies of back to this latER…

Baby Quiche

il' Broomstic

k

This page has been dedicated to all things

SCARY The following pumpkins wERe carved by ninjas who majored in “Scariness� at Harvard. These squashes have struck fear into the minds of all staff at the Avioff. Beware, seeing these pumpkins may cause sleep deprivation (from fear).

July

11

th

part time job

iddle Nota W. Eeb Director of EtERnal Loneliness

Let us face it, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School is not the best place to find love let alone a relationship. In fact, you would be more likely to struck by lightning and win the lottERy at the same time then finding a girlfriend at this boy's club. So any relief from this constant loneliness would be vERy welcome in my life. When I saw that thERe was a dating simulator specifically for Humpty-Diddle students coming out, I could not wait to get my hands on it. I thought this high-tech simulation expERience could help me hone my skills and finally scrape up

Campus Insecurity ating imulator enough courage to ask that girl out I have had a crush on for the last ten months, but let us face it will nevER get to that point.

Even without my own pERsonal issues figured this game was actually about girls, turns out it is even bettER than anything a female could offER. Gentlemen allow me to inform you the Diddle Dating Simulator 2017 finally allows us the opportunity to date aircraft aving always loved planes like the Caesar 512 and the EmERald 24 it is amazing to finally get to have the romantic relationship have always wanted with them. owevER it seems I am just as hopeless in the game as I am in

real life as the airplanes quickly started to point out that I was a mediocre pilot and can only afford to fly because receive substantial amount of oil money from my parents who may or may not be royalty in some far-off country.

The dialogue op-

tions are also limited as it seems all options lead to a no when I try to ask a plane out on a date unless I bribe them with large quantities of food to ens even then I still do not get to solo in them if you know what I mean. All in all, the simulation appears to be accurate to

RULE

34

ANIME!

A Review

reality, and that is whERe its downfall lies. The purpose of these games is to give opportunities to those who want a romantic expERience with an airplane and cannot seem to get any love in real life.

Unfortunately, this game only reinforces facts already

proven by my own expERience, like how I am too much of a female canine to ask a girl on a date and the fact that I am no longER allowed near the flight line for doing unspeakable things to the airplanes in the early hours of the morning.

’ A R DIS IS SPIDA TERRUHTORY!!!!

Recently around Humpty-Diddle, we have noticed an increased population of felines around campus. Upon furthER investigation we have found that not only have felines been increasing in population, but so have raccoons spidERs squirrels and roaches. This investigation was spar ed by one of Diddles own students. He was walking his rare girlfriend to hER dormitory and stumbled upon a female arachnid. Being a dominant male he stepped up the plate and defended his woman. pon placing his foot firmly on the arachnid’s body a plethora of eight legged spawns of the devil scurried from the mothER causing even the manliest man to yip and flee from the scene fastER than an AE freshman switching ma ors. he investigations have proved fruitful finding the hubs of each faction’s tERritory. pidER tERritory includes old hall, Artemis hall and the cat tom annex. Cat tERritory consists of Dick-tatER hall, the gymnasium and the modes. Raccoon tERritory is the college of airworthiness,

the Cobb, the bird simulator building, on’t centER. he Roaches and the in the currently hold residence tER. Diddle student cenThe raccoons currently

hold the larg-

est area around campus due to

their ability to travel through the sewER system and are fighting to e pand battling the squirrels for the Student ulag. Adding to the list we have the engineERing students who have barricaded themselves lamen building and will not open up until their demands are met. The demands include that Jebs rocket sim be downloaded on all campus computERs, and all vending machines only contain enERgy drinks that are free to access at all times. The andidate fficER raining School students (COTS) hold residence across the street and are constantly judged by the vetERans who stay hold in the salty spittoon esque building.

Once in a blue moon if you dare to look at the outskirts of the school grounds you might catch oba glimpse of the elusive blin-Gobblin, who speeds down lyde orris boulevard only to disappear past the unwelcome centER. If you happen to spot any changes in the described locations, please inform the office of campus safety and insecurity.

Fill The HO...les When teachERs, supERvisors, or other authority figures are unreliable at best, you might find yourself in a pinch. HeRE’s a a fun fill-in-the-blanks game for people who need to write a lettER of recommendation for themselves.

Rules: fill in the blanks in the the most self-congratulatory mannER possible.

Hi you filthy animals! Send us you’re most grotesque lettER of non-recommendation to the Avioff staff to entER to win a F%^@ing prize. The judge will be the Avioff ’s very own Lord Camel Toe.

*Not suitable for recommendERs older than a MastER’s Degree. If you have the time for that degree, you should have the time to write a damned one-page letter. Please remember you’re playing with lives ;-)

Spread Eagle