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THE BEACON Volume 68, Issue 8
Critic’s Corner Cobra Kai Official Trailer Review *spoiler alert in effect* -Deney: Karate Kid returns… thirty-four years later. That’s right, YouTube Red is producing the newest edition of the 1984 martial arts film Cobra Kai. I know it’s shameful to admit, but I actually have not seen the original movie, just the 2010 remake with Jaden Smith and Jackie Chan. This means a lot of the information you are about to receive will come from Frannie’s extensive knowledge of movies — because even if she doesn’t watch them, she knows all about them — and Wikipedia. -Frannie: Not to sound cocky or anything, but that’s true. So, while I haven’t seen this movie either, I know the basis of the plot. Essentially, the original starred Ralph Macchio as Daniel — -Who we were first introduced to when he was a smol fetus in The Outsiders. Indulge us as we embark on a completely random (but nostalgic) story here. Frannie and I actually recreated scenes from this movie in a high school project back in 2012:
(From left to right: Deney, Frannie, an old pal from high school) You can’t tell from the photo, but my skin was literally bright orange from the foundation we used to make my ghostly-pale skin dark like Johnny Cade’s. Okay, side tangent done. - and William Zabka as Johnny. Daniel is weak and defenseless, and Johnny is a power-hungry bully who chooses to target him. The two
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April 1st, 2018
are enemies and fierce karate competitors, but as the movie reaches its climax at the big karate tournament, Daniel is victorious and completely humiliates Johnny. Now, 34 years later, Daniel is apparently still famous for his achievements as a teenager (BULL) and exploits his karate skills in his car dealership commercials. That’s what I like to call a well-adjusted adult. -Within the first few seconds of the trailer, Johnny suffers from a painful reminder that he lost against Daniel in the final competition of their prepubescent years. As he wallows in self pity, Johnny witnesses a group of punks, as my dad would call them, bullying a young boy. Quick to take action, he steps in to defend the boy and schools the kids by literally kicking them in their faces, just as he was defeated all those years ago. -The part I like about this trailer is that, afterwards, Johnny is approached by the teenager he protected and discovers that the boy desires to learn karate. So, basically, the plot of the original ensues, replacing the wise, old Asian man with the defeated enemy of the previous movie. For all of you How I Met Your Mother fans out there, this is going to seem incredibly ironic because Barney idolizes William Zabka and views him as the protagonist and main character, a warped point of view which is now reality (with the exception that he’s still the antagonist). -Anyway, the trailer was much more entertaining than we managed to paint it. Unfortunately, if you do not have a YouTube Red account, you’ll likely have to sign up for one in order to watch this series. For those of you who do have an account, keep an eye out for it on May 2nd. Deney Taylor is a second-year business student focusing in accounting. She is an antisocial recluse who rarely emerges from the depths of the internet, but when she does it’s most likely because she has to pretend to be a responsible adult (ugh). Frannie Branswell is a second year business major who isn’t playing basketball this year, I know right?! She loves making art, watching movies, and sleeping, all of which she sacrifices for school and good grades.
Dystopia Now Nuke Facebook Recently in the news, Facebook has been criticized for its questionable privacy policies. Since the platform’s inception in 2004, there have been conspiracy theorists claiming that Facebook exists only to sell users’ private information and to groom our culture. Though these people are often scoffed at, it would now appear that there might have been some truth to these accusations. It is now known that an IT service by the name of Cambridge Analytica has been gathering the information of over 50 million Facebook users without consent, and using that knowledge to manipulate and shape the thoughts and opinions of the populace. Christopher Wylie, a former employee of Cambridge Analytica has stated, “We exploited Facebook to harvest millions of people’s profiles and built models to exploit what we knew about them and target their inner demons. That was the basis that the entire company was built on” (Business Insider). After this came to light, a number of Facebook users decided to delete their accounts in protest of such abhorrent action. I too would delete my account, if only I didn’t need it for school and work. Suffice it to say, I’ve had a chip on my shoulder when it comes to social media—and I’m sure we all understand how toxic it is—but after this fiasco broke out I’ve started to think about doing away with Facebook entirely. So if you find this sort of intrusiveness to be troubling and if you are at liberty to remove your account, now might be a good time to do so. Christian Arsenault is a fourth-year English/Education major. He can usually be found playing Runescape on World 72 near the Barbarian Village
A Letter to the Editor Disingenuousness and Anarchism, the Timebomb on the Chair I hope that everyone that is reading this had an excellent April Fools day, and to those that will not be reading this, I hope that your day was passable at the very least. My objective in writing this article is to warn the population at Crandall about the threat that is April Fools day, as well as how to prepare yourselves as to not become an April oaf. April Fools can be likened to what someone on a diet would experience on a cheat day, but instead of splurging on twinkies and whatever was found in between the couch cushions, you alternatively gorge yourself on individualist anarchism. In the event that you are a shining beacon of innocence, and are unaware of April Fools day, let me fill you in. On this day, the general populace is told that they can “prank” whichever person that they'd like, just as long as they say “April Fools” after the prank. The rules of this day are unwritten and left to the discretion of the participant. The closest thing to a rulebook comes from an infallible source of information—that source being Wikipedia, which states that unspoken rules exist and that they are in constant dispute. What this means is that your wellbeing is at the discretion of those around you, which should fill you with fear. In order to avoid the jovial wrath of your local milkman or what have you, one must follow three simple guidelines: 1. Other people don’t like to be pranked, so always have several whoopee cushions on hand, ready to fire at a moments notice. This has the added benefit of increasing your win-rate in fights, as the whoopee cushions provide protection from punches, as well as from any and all social interaction. 2. Scratch out the first day of every month out of your calendar, that way it no longer exists within your reality. 3. Create a blog wherein you disown anyone that partakes in the festivities of the day; however, it is key to keep the name of the blog a secret, that way you can be as scathing as you desire without repercussions. It is literally the perfect option. This has been Carter’s guide to surviving April Fools day. Feel free to send your comments to my blog: ____________, and I implore you to get the rules of April Fools tattooed to your back, that way you’ll never forget to not be pranked. Carter Plant is just a Crandall student that frantically slaps his keyboard until a semi-cohesive jumble of letters appears on his screen, and then he uses autocorrect to make words happen. He can be found by yelling his name within a 100-foot radius or by shaking a bag of chocolate by an open window.
Health and Wellness with Mir Alleviate anxiety, boost brainpower, sharpen your memory, improve your balance, spark creativity, and expel bodily toxins. You go to bed telling yourself you will wake up and smash out a workout to start the day. You have somewhat planned your session in your head and even decided what healthy breakfast you will whip up before or afterwards. Next morning: your alarm goes off…you hit snooze. Alarm goes off…you turn it off immediately and roll over and fall back to sleep. In that moment, you tell yourself you need more sleep and you will workout in the afternoon. All day you are looking at the time and calculate the hours before you will train. You begin to feel anxious, nervous, utterly defeated before you have begun your workout, and you kick yourself for hitting snooze. Can you relate? If you can, then you are not alone! The “ideal day” is oftentimes not how one’s day comes to pass. My fitness goal in life is mainly inspired by the functionality and maintainability of my style of training. I train in a way that is flexible to what my body wants, fun, functional, kind to my body, and beneficial to the future. Yet there are days where I decided to hit snooze. I felt anxious and terrible for making that decision, and at times, my entire day was “ruined.” I do not have to tell you, dear readers, that health is important. Be kind to yourself and listen to your body. If hitting snooze was because of your body realistically needing more sleep, hit snooze and exercise later in the day. However, if hitting snooze is the excuse to miss your workout and sleep in, do not do it. Get up, get active, and your body will reward you. If you do hit snooze, do not criticise yourself. Developing a fitness regime is hard and time-consuming. It is not something learned or developed in a short period of time. Fulfill your workout goal for the day later on. Be excited with what you did or will accomplish during your workout. Doubt has killed more dreams than failure ever will. Doubting yourself before you start does not set you on a good path for a successful workout. Whether it is walking, running, weight lifting, yoga, or playing sports, exercise in the way that suits you. If you hit snooze, workout later and do not throw away the day or doubt yourself. Get up tomorrow and prove it to yourself. In love , Mir
Miranda Roberts is a fourth year history major from Moncton, New Brunswick. She began her health and fitness journey a year and a half ago. She enjoys hiking, cooking, and weight lifting. She is an extroverted young adult who is looking forward to being a future archaeologist and professor.
Interview with Janzen Ohlhauser What brought you to Crandall? I was born here twenty years ago. We moved out west to Alberta when I was growing up. My father, Professor Ohlhauser, found a job out here and that was part of the incentive to move out here. I knew that Crandall was a Christian community where I could grow and contribute to a group of like-minded people. I also needed a Bachelors degree to get into physiotherapy, so currently I am majoring in Psychology, which I enjoy. How long did you live in Western Canada? I lived in Alberta for 14 years, so I consider it my home. I was born here but I was very young when we moved out west to Toronto, where we lived for 2-3 years. After that, we stayed in Alberta for 14 years. When we left Alberta to come to Crandall, we drove all the way from What is the dumbest way you’ve been injured? Carbon, Alberta with my whole family. When I was twelve I was talking on the phone to one of my few friends, since I was homeschooled, and while I What led you to run for the president position? was talking to him I thought it would be a good idea to I had never been very interested in politics or those sorts walk on top of our couch. As I was walking I slipped on of things. However, I think God has blessed me with the something underneath the couch cushion and fell off the ability to be a leader, and I tend to incline towards lead- back of the couch and broke my arm. So don’t walk on ership positions whenever they are presented before me, couches, is what I learned. if needed. I see there is a potential for the CSA to promote the Crandall community and build the community, If you could learn one magic spell, but it could only and the CSA has done a good job in the last couple years help you perform a mundane task, what would it be, and why? of doing this. I think that we can continue this and involve faculty and staff more in the lives of the students, and make people really cherish the community and say, I guess I wouldn’t mind being able to boil water with my hands, like I have to have my hands cupped, and I could “I went to Crandall University”. I think that even in a year or two I can begin to make that happen. I definitely boil water in them. It could still hurt you, but at least I could save time boiling water, maybe use it as a weapon won’t make it to where I want to go, but I definitely as well. want to build a foundation for further growth. What is a unique experience you’ve had at Crandall? What movie can you watch over and over, and not get sick of? Well, I have a funny, silly, and bad experience all in one. I remember last year at the photo car rally, we had to pop the hood because our Dodge Nitro was heating up. I would say the Third Indiana Jones film; it is a really We had been taking pictures and when we came back it great film and I always enjoy watching it. I do really just wasn’t starting. This became our silliest picture because like the Indiana Jones films in general. I was pouring water on the engine, and when we got back and I explained the situation, we won that portion Jonny Dejager is a 2nd year English major who grew up in of the game, since the whole story was strange, and the Peru, and is thus unaware of Canadian social cues. He also photo was so random. was most likely attacked by a baby puma.
What’s on Your Mind? The Final Countdown
We’ve reached the homestretch, my fellow Crandallites! Only a couple weeks stand between us and the end of the semester. Whether this year has been your best one yet or a struggle from start to finish, there is still time to finish strong. As you mentally prepare for the upcoming exam season, allow me to offer a few helpful study habits I’ve adopted during my three years in university: A little goes a long way. Studying for a short period of time every day is a much more rewarding investment than cramming all your review time in the night before. I attempt to give myself AT LEAST a full week to study for any major exam. It takes a certain amount of time for information to transfer from your short-term memory to your long-term memory, so do yourself a favour and start the consolidation process early. Even just 20 minutes a day is better than nothing! Music makes everything better. I always find studying more enjoyable with some soft, instrumental music in the background; it helps me to get in the zone and to stay there. Not sure what to listen to? Try a soundtrack! My favourites are Pride and Prejudice, A Beautiful Mind, The Theory of Everything, and The Chronicles of Narnia (no surprise there, I suppose). Multitasking is counterproductive. Trying to juggle more than one task at a time only makes it more difficult to focus, so set that phone on “Do Not Disturb”, log out of Facebook, and give your assignments your full attention, one at a time. Plan breaks! Of course, your mind can only focus on schoolwork for so long, so keep yourself motivated by enjoying some well-earned, pre-planned brain breaks. Try 10 minutes for every 50 minutes spent studying, 5 minutes for every page written, or whatever keeps you going. Last, but not least, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. Fuel your body with healthy foods. Enjoy being in motion. Take time to invest in your relationships. And don’t forget to give your body the rest it needs. Remember, grades are not worth sacrificing your entire well-being for! Allana Walker is a third year psychology major with aspirations of becoming a counselling therapist. She is addicted to dark chocolate, loves big words, and is always in the mood for a good pun.
Graduation is such a bittersweet moment. On one hand, you get a cool piece of paper that says you accomplished something really big (congrats, you know stuff!). On the other hand, you have to pass on the ministries you’ve loved being part of. For me (Jessie), being a co-leader of Soma has been such a valuable experience. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to be part of creating a space for worship and teaching, and, ultimately, a space where people experienced God. I can honestly say that we haven’t had an unsuccessful service because our goal was to make opportunities for people to hear God’s word in a new light, have God speak to them through a song, and be encouraged with prayer. Through hearing your comments and feedback, we know we have succeeded this year. Praise God! Send an email to mysomachurch@gmail.com or send a message to Braxton Dearman, Zack Saint, Michael Gregory, Alex Pattison, Hannah Trail, Angela MacKinnon, or myself (Jessie Campbell) if you’re interested in getting involved somehow in the fall. We’d love to meet with you about what it takes to be on the team – it’s such a valuable learning experience! Blessings as you write your final exams! Numbers 6:24-26 Jessie Campbell is one of the co-runners of Sóma, along with Braxton Dearman.
CSA Report: There has been talk about getting a swing set on campus for quite some time now. Even though there was a petition expressing student interest, the CSA does not think it is worth the cost. The cheapest swing set they were able to find would cost $4936.00 before installation and levelling. The price would not be as problematic if the weather was nice year-round, however, this is Canada , which means the swing set would likely only be used by students for 4 months of the year (early fall and late spring). Despite this, it was mentioned that if students still wanted a swing set, a building fund could probably be started in order to buy one in the next few years. The CSA is also looking into buying a wagon for Mitton Court residents. This would facilitate the task of carrying groceries from vehicles into residents' apartments. The wagon would be 35 inches long, 18 inches wide, and 10 inches deep, and it would cost $71.90. Seeing as this is cheaper and more practical than a swing set, the CSA is likely to go through with the purchase.
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Deanna Gallant is a 4th year English Major, Psych minor, and is in the Youth Leadership Certificate program. She naps a concerning amount and loves puns, Netflix, and peanut butter pie.
Leah Eisener is a third-year English student who laughs at her own jokes and enjoys memes more than the company of others.
SHALLNOT Who We Are
While “shall not” is usually used as a command to refrain, to withhold, or to compromise, Shallnot holds to the opposite: Thou shalt not be silenced. Shallnot is designed to be a forum and an opportunity for students to express their ideas –Dani Reimer, Assistant Editor
Out a Window & Under a Tree while Snow Covers all Now Brother Earth still stands
And from my window behind the trees, I see no stir but gentle breeze. Minds me how my heart to freeze Here beneath the guarding trees.
Yellow Twig
The white devils tumbling down
The yellow twig betwixt the fellow fig
Crossing wires, lacing leaves
Past the pitter-patter pond
With sweet mercies, all around.
The wind it spinned the fig unhinged
Tumbling down to seek and find
And it fell to a fellow fond Fond fellow fancied the fallen fig And fattened his face with its fruity flesh
To bless and greet their turbid kind. The green guards marching forth
The pond of pitter-patter saw this little matter
Shooting out stout sacred limbs
And disallowed such mess to progress
Content with their covering.
The pond took on peculiar pedestals
Beneath them lurks the darksome night
Called sea-legs, if so inclined
The wiry bending of the light.
It waddled waterly to the woe-some waif
The slow wind bores
Misery mixed in its moist mind
The old and new
In a foul fling of fury the ferocious fester fought the foe
Searing black and ancient yew.
And filled his nostrils with its body until the fellow was washed clean The innocent flesh became water and the man was no more And the redeemed riptide returned to its resting place Another fig between the yellow twig grew Past the pitter-patter pond
A fond fellow fancied the fruit As the waves repressed the screams from beyond -d
The slow wind blows The snow still falls. - Walter Mande
Heroes - Moriah Ohlhauser Shadowhawkranger.deviantart.com
Rings - Walter Mande
Shallnot exists to express the views of all students from all walks of life. If you or someone you know has something to say—whether through pictures, essays, short stories, cartoons, poetry or any other form of art—please contact us at crandallbeacon@gmail.com with submissions.