BQ2 | Psychology + Lifestyle by The B. Quarterly

the b. quarterly

all the ways in which we b.ehave

HELLO! E D I T O R I N C H I E F Dr. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA

Sr. Correspondent Contributing Editor Contributing Editor Senior Writer Senior Writer Senior Writer Staff Writer

Dominique McGhee Daniel Sher, MA Paula H. Cookson, LCSW M.K. Angeles Cynthia Malone, BA GinaMarie Guarino, LMHC B.D. Bradley

Contributors

Lynn Sullivan, MA Brea Glasko The Faceless Traveler

Photography & Art ASjack, Dudarev Mikhail, F.M. Turrini, Alexey Pelikh, Elena Mirage, Nataliia Pyzhova, Kitsananan Kuna, Julián Rovagnati, Sergey Mansurovru, George Mayer, Max Krasnov, Jesse-lee Lang, Victor Tongdee, Nito, Leigh Prather, Zazen, Michel Aubry Photo, George J. McLittle, Sommai, Dominique McGhee, Cynthia Malone, The Faceless Traveler, Bigstockphoto, Fotolia, Soup Studio.

Issue Two BQ2

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It was the summer of '81 when I met the girl with David Bowie eyes. I was six and spending my days at a summer camp in Tehran, when we met. I had bangs, where she had none. She was quiet, and I was a chatter box. Her movements elegant and soft, where mine felt hard to contain!

We had landed in some boring class together, and paired up for some activity I couldn't care less about. But, when we first made eye contact, I grinned from ear to ear because I could not believe my eyes, or rather, her eyes! She had one brown and one blue eye. "Hi" I said, "Your eyes!" with awe in my voice. She seemed a little sad . "Hi" she said . "They are beautiful", I said . She looked a little surprised . "You have David Bowie eyes. I've never met anyone with David Bowie eyes! They are beautiful." I felt lucky to meet her. She, after all, had David Bowie eyes. "What's David Bowie?" She asked . "I don't really like them. Kids laugh at me." "Which kid?" I asked looking around . "Not here, but people make fun of them." I could not comprehend others making fun of this. Having one of each like David Bowie seemed like winning the lottery in my book. Like having the best of two worlds. . "David Bowie is a famous singer, people know him around the world," I explained . "We have some of his videos at home, you have to come over and watch them. His eyes are just like yours. They're beautiful," I repeated . She smiled . "Really?" She seemed surprised . And I was even more surprised by her surprise. "No one has ever said that to me," she added . "Really?" How could this be? I did not understand .

I eventually got to show her pictures of David Bowie, and she got to meet the only other person she had ever seen like herself. Or close enough . She never did come over, and we never saw each other past that summer. But I think of her more often than one would expect. This memory often comes to remind me that art has a reach unpredictable even to the creator. This one artist touching lives beyond what he might have ever imagined . Making a little girl see herself reflected in him, thousands of miles away, in a playground in uptown Tehran. I was too young to fully appreciate Bowie's music, but I liked his videos, his outfits, and his eyes. His way of being outside the box must have appealed to me. Having very little to do with his actual music; and yet, having everything to do with it! That is the power of creation, whether The Cyrus Cylinder that attempts to capture the essence of human rights for centuries to come, or a digital picture that briefly grabs another's attention across the globe. The creative act of living with passion and the art produced from it create the greatest bonds that mysteriously connect all of us to one another, across time, across culture and across... all the ways in which we B.ehave! Dr. B. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA

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THE MAD GENIUS

Creative genius and madness often share an address. Maybe they're not

room mates, but at least they have neighboring apartments in the same condo building. Or they car pool. You get what I'm saying. We've all seen the stereotypes of the off-kilter artist who is able to tap into the muse and create something brilliant. Is it merely a stereotype that we've all grown to accept and have cultivated over time, or is there some truth to the idea that madness and creativity are interrelated? A study by Fink, Slamar-Halbedl, Unterrainer and Weiss, published in Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts in 2012, found that there are common cognitive and personality traits between those who are creative and those who have mental diagnoses. While the findings are not bidirectional by any means, it is interesting to think about the relationship between these two separate characteristics. One can be creative and without a mental health disorder, and one can have a mental health disorder without being excessively creative; but for some, both exist and seem to play off one another spectacularly (at least for those of us enjoying the outcomes of their creative genius). Creative madness, by history's example, seems more of a compulsion than a choice. Those who have dealt with mental health challenges and have created masterpiece after masterpiece (the Van Goghs, the Sylvia Plaths) seemed to have harnessed their struggles into works that have shaped the world and touched the lives of so many. Often these works reflect an aspect of the human condition; they speak to parts of us that we may never have had the words for. The creative process didn't seem as much a choice as a compulsion for these highly skilled geniuses. For some, their creativity was an outlet for angst and distress, while others have expressed a feeling of being cursed by the creative drive. The idea of "madness" and creativity first emerged from the ancient Greeks. Plato coined "divine madness" for poets who were inspired to create. It was commonly believed that the Gods drove certain urges in people, which were referred to as 'madnesses'. Prophetic madness was driven by the God Apollo, while Eros or Aphrodite was responsible for erotic madness and love. Poetic madness was inspired by the Muse. All artistic formats from writing to dance to sculpture, was thought to be derived from divine madness attributed by the Gods, and these God-given episodes of madness were considered gifts. We generally forgo giving credit to Gods and Goddesses for creative works these days, but we have certainly held onto the innate understanding that creativity and a "madness" of sorts can coexist and even rely on one another for certain gifted persons. In our advanced age, we have come to understand the nuances of mental health and have offered labels to the varying types of difficulties people can manifest. We have also learned to take into consideration the many factors that play into a person's development such as environment, life experiences and family construct. All of these things, in addition to genetics, contribute to mental health, creative process and communication of ideas. Plus fairy dust. There has to be some sort of magic here, right? In 2004, Barrantes-Vidal's research concluded that there is a "compensatory advantage" with a bent toward creative outlet for those who have genetic connections to Bipolar and Schizophrenic psychosis. Dis-inhibition is one of the primary factors in this correlation between creativity and mental health.

genius . intelligent . mad . brilliant . creative . clever . peculiar . unconventional

IT IS A MAD WORLD

Research has shown a correlation between social ineptness and creativity as well. It is thought that the part of the personality and mental construct that dictates sociability is at times lacking in those who are creative and introverted; in these circumstances, the individual ends up having a "lopsided" skill set which enables the construction of ideas and outlets that creative geniuses are known for. Some of history's greatest creative contributions have come from artistic and somewhat eccentric people who also struggled with mental health and/or social skills challenges of one sort or another. When we step back from the varying forms of stigma about mental health conditions (everything from pity, to avoidance, assumptions and fears) we can truly appreciate the complexity of the human mind and the mysteries it has yet to reveal. Variances in our mental and emotional experiences offer a plethora of gifts. These gifts are sometimes earned through intense struggle, but they are gifts, nonetheless; not only to the individual but also to the culture at large.

Paula H. Cookson, LCSW is a freelance writer and psychotherapist from Belfast, Maine.

genius . intelligent . mad . brilliant . creative . clever . peculiar . unconventional

Hypomanic and schizotypic personalities that often produce idiosyncratic behaviors and affect sync up with creative types in the sciences and art; hence the "mad scientist" and moody, brooding artistic types. Similarly, cyclothymia commonly manifests in those with creative propensity.

E M B R A C I N G

Death ...

by D a n i e l S h e r 12

Death. The word alone is powerful enough to trigger despondency and terror, or to

inspire newly invigorated exercise regimes and raw-food diets. We avoid it in conversation, tip-toing around the topic and dreading situations such as funerals, where we must console the inconsolable. Dance as we may, we are all going to die and we know it. This places us in a bit of a pickle as we scurry frantically, trying to deny a truth which we know to be our inevitable fate! But, before you flip to a more cheerful article or get up to make a salad: the topic of doom need not be filled with gloom. Confronting death may even hold the secret to helping you live a happier, healthier, and more meaningful life. Self-esteem. Culture. Religion. The Law. Philosophy. Can you guess what these all have in common? The answer is that they are all motivated by an unconscious fear of dying, according to Terror Management Theory. This model says that all humans are aware of their mortality, which creates a powerful anxiety, experienced unconsciously for the most part. Collectively, societies allay this anxiety by encouraging people to plug-in to systems of meaning which can explain our existence and enrich it with meaning. These include philosophy, spiritualism, or cultural and religious frameworks. On an individual level, people may cope with their underlying dread of death by engaging in goal-directed activity and creating a healthy self-esteem: â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;I am good, I am competent, I am valuableâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;. For example, Randy Pausch was a well-liked professor at Carnegie Mellon University. Whilst in his forties, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of pancreatic cancer and given less than a year to live. Amazingly, following his diagnosis, Randy found himself diving into his life and work with a newfound passion and vigor. His final year was one of his happiest, most productive, and most fulfilling. What was it about directly acknowledging his mortality that enabled Randy to live the last of his days to their fullest? Over the past century there has been a dramatic revolution in the way that psychologists, physicians, and researchers think about death. Previously, medical professionals shied away from the topic, even withholding information about poor prognoses from patients when it was suspected that this would cause too much distress and anxiety. Although, this can make one wonder how much those specific doctors were projecting their own death discomfort onto the situation. By contrast, in recent times there has been an explosion of research exploring the ways in which engaging with death can be life-enriching, rather than harmful. For example, we now know that thinking about death can turn you into a better athlete, a happier and healthier person, or a more altruistic individual. Last year, the Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology published a fascinating study conducted with professional basketball players. Half of the athletes were quizzed about their feelings about death, whilst the other half (control group) were simply asked questions about basketball.

What happened? Whilst playing a match, the group who were primed to think about death performed up to 40% better than the other players. Another component of the study exposed the players to death in a more subliminal way: the athletes were instructed to shoot as many hoops as they could in a minute. Half of the athletes were instructed by an actor wearing a white skull on his shirt, whilst the other half were directed by a man wearing plain clothes. The players who had seen the skull – which caused the idea of death to creep into their subconscious minds– played better by up to 30%! Similarly, a 2011 study showed that women who think about death frequently are more likely to check their breasts for cancer; whilst other research has showed that thoughts of death make people more likely to reduce smoking, exercise more, or use sunscreen. Furthermore, in 2008 the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin published a study examining the effects of walking past a cemetery versus walking down an ordinary street block. An actor was asked to drop her notebook nearby. Those who had been reminded of death when walking past the cemetery were 40% more likely to be altruistic, by helping the damsel in apparent distress! Death is all around us: even children as young as five can grasp the concept. From that moment forth, when we first grasp the concept of mortality, we find ourselves embroiled in a dilemma between the knowledge that we will one day die and the impulse to deny this truth. The way that we navigate this inevitable tension can have huge implications for our health, happiness, and overall wellbeing. As a society and as individuals, we can choose to run from death or avoid thinking about it altogether. But death is inevitable, it’s constant, and it is one of the things that makes us human. If we pay attention to the way research has progressed during this past century, we can see that embracing death and openly talking about it can truly enrich our lives. Ironically, the very thing which threatens to render life obsolete is the same thing that can offer life its greatest meaning. Daniel Sher M.A. is a Clinical Psychologist registered with the Health Professions Council of South Africa. Currently, he is a Community Service Clinical Psychologist with the Western Cape Department of Health. He lives in Cape Town.

OUT OF NOWEHERE A HORSE BROUGHT US HERE WHERE WE TASTE LOVE UNTIL WE DON'T EXIST AGAIN. THIS TASTE IS THE WINE WE ALWAYS MENTION.

Rumi

P s y c h o l o g y i n MOVIES & MEDIA A Q&A w i t h D r. C o l l e e n M u l l e n 16

In today's digital world, movies have a greater reach than ever before. Overall, how is psychology represented in movies as opposed to 20 years ago? When I think of psychology in the movies, I think of how actual therapy is portrayed in the movies and then how the human condition and interpersonal relationships are portrayed. It always comes down to good writing. Good writing is good writing, whether that is 20 years ago or today. There are many film writers who can get the human condition and relationships played out well, however, when I think of how therapy is portrayed in the movies, it is very often misleading, or down right poorly implemented. We need to remember that movies are for entertainment purposes, so featuring therapy in its most realistic presentation is not often the focus of movies with a therapy relationship predominantly featured. That being said, there are movies that stand the test of time because the writers understood the psychology behind the words and emotions they were putting on the big screen. We often see the profession represented in storylines, but movies often get it wrong. What do some movies miss about what a Psychologist does and does not do? Why do you think that is? Most often Psychologists or therapists in general are portrayed as being over-involved with their clients' lives, falling in love with them, sharing too much about their own personal lives. The reality is that good, ethical therapists hold appropriate social boundaries with their clients, meaning they don’t socially visit with them in session or out. Ethical therapists also care deeply for their clients, but work hard on leaving them emotionally in the office so that they can find space for their own personal lives when they leave work at the end of the day. Additionally, although many of us utilize assertive problem-solving strategies with our clients, we don’t actually tell them how to live their lives or whether or not they should stay married or to divorce or what jobs to take as is often portrayed in the movies.

Our job is one of holding emotional space for our clients to unload, or unpack, what is going on for them emotionally and to help them best figure out what it is that holds them back from change, or hinders their emotional life in some way. Therapy also is often a longer-term process than how it is played out in the movies. It’s not uncommon to see people for 6 months to several years. If that was portrayed accurately in the movies or television, it would likely not be all that interesting. Movies reach people from all over the world, how can clinicians use this platform better to get their message to a global public? If the question is truly how can clinicians use the platform of movies to reach a larger public audience, then I would suggest movie makers bring in more therapists to consult on the accuracy of how they portray the therapeutic relationships. But if we then refer to my last answer, it may not make for a decent story line. So let’s look at other ways clinicians can utilize movies. They can recommend clients watch certain movies to explore examples of emotional or relational dynamics that they wish their client to understand better. They can use them also to highlight a process that a client may be going through, but may not see it for themselves. Because movies are accessible to the masses, therapists who blog or podcast (myself included) often utilize movies to discuss emotional processes in a public forum. Movies can also be utilized as a cathartic, non-threatening intervention as it allows a client to remove themselves personally from their problem, but still keeps them aware of emotional processes. Certainly separate from recommending specific movies, movies are often recommended when we think our client could use a brief moment of escapism from their problems. In contrast to that, and because movies can and do affect our moods, we often check with clients who may be going through an upsetting breakup or are depressed that they are not spending their time only watching sad movies or love stories sometimes the idea that misery loves company becomes unsafe emotionally.

On a larger scale, all media, specially social media is changing the way people connect and exchange information. How can clinicians better use social media, and why is it crucial to be engaged online, in one way or another? There is a perceived divide in the therapist community. There are those therapists who will let nothing out publicly, barely do any advertising and do not even have private social media accounts. Then there are the therapists who embrace the world of social media. There are certainly a lot of benefits to a clinician for utilizing social media appropriately. By utilizing social media appropriately, clinicians can 1. Establish themselves as an expert in their chosen specialty, 2. Help them speak to their “ideal client” by consistently posting content relevant to their specialty, 3. Through videos, it can allow the clinician to come to life before a client even meets them, which can help demystify the question of “What are they going to be like?”, and 4. Be visible to a wider referral audience. To safely navigate, or even protect clinicians in the world of social media, many of us have built in “social media policies” to our informed consents when we meet new clients. These polices state that we have a public business pages on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., which we are happy to have our clients follow, but even if they find our personal pages, we will not accept “friend” or other connection requests from them (our personal pages are often set to private). Navigating the social media world can be tricky as there can be updates to privacy policies which we may not know about which can leave us vulnerable for people seeing things we don’t intend on them seeing. My recommendations are that if you’re a clinician on social media, make sure you’re staying up to date on the latest and greatest in the platform's privacy policies and features. Most of my social media accounts except my personal Facebook page are public so I do nothing online that I would not be OK with a client, or a potential client, finding.

From a different perspective, we can often learn a lot about Psychology from a well written script. What sets a well written script apart when it comes to representing human dynamics that ring true when looked at through a psychological lens? When a movie connects deeply with a broad audience, there was a writer behind it who knew a lot about emotional and interpersonal dynamics. It’s truly all about the writing. We know there are movies out there with amazing special effects, beautiful scenery and spot on costumes, but if what’s going on doesn’t touch us emotionally, the movie flops. Of course, suspense and dramas come to mind when we think of a fabulously written script, but there are certainly many comedies, sci-fi and action movies in which the human condition is laid out for us beautifully. How can the field of Psychology as a whole, do a better job when it comes to creating an authentic presence in media and in entertainment in general? I believe that the way we receive therapy is shifting. We are in the infancy of the telemedicine movement. There are very recent studies demonstrating that remote therapy (i.e. video conferencing with a client) can be just as effective in treating certain disorders or symptoms as in-person therapy. That, along with the growth and the reach of social media, podcasts, YouTube channels and all the other media platforms really informs a new way of bringing clinical knowledge to the masses. If clinicians are mindful of their personal boundaries, keep up with the new laws and ethical standards that come along by way of these new avenues, and has a motivation to educate a wider audience, it is there for them. For all that though, the growth that comes when a person sits with you in the therapy room and engages in the therapy process is transformational and I hope we don’t lose sight of that in this era of electronic growth.

What movies would you recommend, as examples of scripts that ring true when it comes to human dynamics and human psychology?

Steve Martin, Judd Apatow and Steven Soderbergh come to mind when I think of movie writers who, more often than not, are great at beautifully laying out family and relationship dynamics for us . Unfortunately, I couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do a short list justice as there are so many great movies out there. Here is an eclectic mix of movies that nailed it. This list could have had 100 movies on it, and Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m certainly missing some older classics, but here goes: Ordinary People, Good Will Hunting, Parenthood, 28 Days, Love Actually, The Fisher King, Wall Street, A Beautiful Mind, American Beauty, Schizopolis, The Descendants, Interstellar, The Pursuit of Happyness, Little Miss Sunshine, Silver Linings Playbook, Inside Out, This is 40, The Big Sick.

Dr. Colleen Mullen, Psy.D., LMFT is the founder of the Coaching Through Chaos private practice in San Diego, California. She is also the host of The Coaching Through Chaos and the Shrink to Shrink on Film podcasts. You can find her on Twitter: @DrColleenMullen

by M.K. Angeles

BRAIN HACKING Recent studies show that on average, Americans now spend about 10 hours a day in front of a screen. Whether those screens are televisions, phones or tablets, one thing is evident: we are creatures of screens for a large part of the day. Even grocery stores, gas stations, and billboards are joining in with screen-based displays. We actively use technology to nurture and develop relationships between ourselves and the outside world, and now live in an age where identities are both physical and digital. Many of us are already aware that each time we interact with a connected device, we are creating and sharing information about ourselves through our behaviors. We do this in order to accomplish tasks, make purchases or keep in touch with loved ones, and at times for more private reasons, like escaping reality. The emotional contagion and ease of accessibility found in these devices leave us with a range of vulnerabilities, many of which have the potential for exploitation and mind control. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re engaging on a daily basis with a computer or app, chances are youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve already experienced a taste of brain hacking. On one hand, it is logical that this exchange of information must result in communicating our usage to developers so we can experience improvements in technology. In order for developers to understand how to make their products better and more efďŹ cient, they must know how it is being used, and when things are not working correctly. We may also experience how our browser activity and search history affects what ads are presented to us on websites. In such instances, there is a certain transparency to this exchange of information.

P h o t o b y F. M . Tu r r i n i

But when use of our information reaches full on asymmetry, we become subjects in a potentially dangerous realm of media manipulation. Collecting information about usage and behaviors is not necessarily illegal since users are allowing this information to be shared.

However, with the vast amount of data collected, companies

now have powerful insights on how to influence and elicit desired behaviors in targeted users, through tactics that are driven by a proven system of defined psychological processes and behavioral modification guidelines. Tristan Harris, an Ex-Google Design Ethicist, compares having a phone in your pocket to carrying around a slot machine, and says that ‘addictive product’ designers have the potential to work much like a magician - consciously taking the mind’s limits into account. “Magicians start by looking for blind spots, edges, vulnerabilities and limits of people’s perception, so they can influence what people do without them even realizing it. Once you know how to push people’s buttons, you can play them like a piano,” Harris wrote in his recent article How Technology is Hijacking Your Mind - from A Magician and Design Ethicist. The reason why slot machines produce more revenue in the US than theme parks, baseball, and movies combined is because of their randomization pattern that provides just enough frequency of intermittent rewards to give the user a belief that they will eventually win big, so long as they keep playing. Consider how knowing this system of design can be used to develop a highly addictive program with just enough random rewards to keep users hooked. “When we pull our phone out of our pocket, we’re playing a slot machine to see what notifications we got....When we pull to refresh our email, we’re playing a slot machine to see what new email we got...When we swipe down our finger to scroll the Instagram feed, we’re playing a slot machine to see what photo comes next…” Harris explains. Due to the success of addictive design, the average phone user now checks their phone 150 times a day. According to Harris, looking for notifications is motivated primarily by a system of intermittent rewards: a psychological obligation to respond, some simple hooks for interaction, and also by a fear of missing out on something important.

While he and other ethical designers are addressing the need to

protect the mind’s vulnerabilities, a powerful defense is the user’s own awareness of what is going on behind the digital magic curtain. But what if we aren’t made aware of what is happening? Such was the case in a recent study conducted in cooperation with Facebook, where users experienced newsfeeds that were manipulated in order to test whether the results would produce mood-altering reactions. By using an automated dictionary of both positive and negative words, namely the Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count software (LIWC2007), the authors purposely reduced the amount of negative content in a user’s newsfeed to determine if the user’s own word choices and posts would then became more positive. And, they did. The same occurred when negative content was introduced. Users with a majority of negative content started using and producing more negative content. The authors concluded that “[t]hese results indicate that emotions expressed by others on Facebook inﬂuence our own emotions, constituting experimental evidence for massive-scale contagion via social networks. This work also suggests that, in contrast to prevailing assumptions, in-person interaction and nonverbal cues are not strictly necessary for emotional contagion, and that the observation of others’ positive experiences constitutes a positive experience for people.” There are instances where this emotional contagion becomes life threatening, as social media presents an outlet with access to more people than ever, including younger audiences. In Russia, a 21 year-old man named Philipp Budeikin was recently arrested for his connection to the death of at least sixteen teenage girls, who committed suicide by completing the tasks in Budeikin’s Blue Whale suicide game. Budeikin invented the game originally as the F57 online community that attracted teens with emotionally charged gore, and then invited them to participate in a series of challenges, which they then had to post to their social media accounts as proof upon completion.

These tasks, in the beginning, were simple (think back to the

intermittent rewards of the slot machine), and gradually evolved into self-harm. Eventually, Budeikin asked them to kill an animal, at which point many participants left the game. For the ones who continued, the tasks got progressively more dangerous. The big reward was that the participants got personal attention, encouragement and praise from Budeikin, leading up to the final task in the Blue Whale game - to kill oneself. Love letters flooded into the jail in Russia when Budeikin was detained after confessing to his connection to the deaths. There are now over 140 suicides documented which share a common following of Blue Whale social media accounts. So, is there any sort of remorse for the effects of this asymmetry and emotional manipulation? Thankfully, there are ethical developers like Harris to keep addictive designers in check. In Facebook’s case, executives publicly apologized for the way they allowed the psychological experiment to occur without explicitly seeking permission from their test subjects. In the case of the Blue Whale, there is no sign of remorse whatsoever...but luckily, Budeikin is already behind bars. While technology has created a world where we can connect and thrive wirelessly, the cost of such freedom is that we will continue to produce online behaviors that can potentially be used against us. Maintaining both online and offline integrity creates harmony in both worlds, while becoming more conscious of how our usage can help throw off this asymmetry of information. Even more importantly, taking time off from our connected devices to nurture the realm of our own physical and emotional reality can allow the mind to re-balance from this abundance of outside influences. The greatest trick for creating balance, as we have learned by now from slot machines, is knowing when to step away!

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A WEEK END IN..... TEXAS HILL COUNTRY at Tapatio Springs Hill Country Resort by Dominique McGhee

This little spot comes as a surprise! Located in the beautiful Texas Hill Country city of Boerne, Tapatio Springs Hill Country Resort provides a relaxing escape from the hectic pace of city life. Situated in a picturesque part of Texas just 225 miles from Houston, and 30 miles outside of San Antonio, this Hill Country Resort creates a convenient opportunity for a weekend getaway. After a recent multi-million dollar renovation, Tapatio Springs Hill Country Resort now proudly boasts some of the best amenities in the area. An award winning Tripp Davis designed golf course and a new seasonal restaurant helmed by Chef Scott Cohen are some of the draws. An adult resort pool, a one-of-akind healing Salt Cave, stunning views, and close proximity to the Texas Wine Trails create memorable experiences for all. We even got to ask Chef Cohen a few questions....

Q & A

with Chef

Scott Cohen George Strait, legendary country music singer, who is one of the owners at Tapatio Springs says, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Thanks to all of the work by world-renowned golf course architect Tripp Davis, our course is once again among the best in the state. And the new La Cascada Table and Bar makes for the perfect destination during and after your round. So come for a good time - stay for a long time."

Evening stroll 28

Tasting Chef Cohen's menu

How did you get into cooking? Chef Scott Cohen: I started cooking at 13 years old

and always wanted to cook. So when I became 18 and went to college I chose to go to the Culinary Institute of America; the best school in the country.

Your previous position was Chef and Instructor at Le Cordon Bleu College of Culinary Arts in Austin. What is one piece of advice you have for young inspiring chefs dreaming of becoming executive chefs in the future? To master your craft and then you will master the profession.

Towards the start of your career you had the chance to work at The Mansion on Turtle Creek in Dallas during Wolfgang Puck's tenure, what was that experience, and how did it impact you? We were at the cutting edge of everything and we were at the top of the culinary world creating the best food in the country. It was incredible.

You work with many local farmers and ranchers to source fresh, local ingredients at the peak of ripeness, how does this impact how you cook and create? We only use the best ingredients. When you use the best the food doesn’t need to be manipulated; we serve honest, great tasting, and fresh food.

What is different about working at Tapatio Springs? It's a resort, so are you able to build relationships with the guests and establish repeat clientèle? Do the area residents view the resort and your menu as a staple/go to for this area? This resort is Paradise. It is a wonderful area. We are in the Hill Country so everything we do we can present in a very simple way and the feedback from guests is incredible. Also I don’t overprice anything. I believe if you charge the guest honestly they will come back. Too many restaurants today overcharge. We don’t and we are proud of that. Value value value!!!!

How would you describe your style of cooking?

Simple but very advanced. We use solid cooking techniques in everything we do. We are a working kitchen. We are here to please our guests from the

Chef Scott Cohen

best-cooked egg to the best-cooked fish and great beef presentations. We offer lots of salads and fun appetizers. We do it all. We top it off with simple homemade desserts at the end. It is a great dinning experience using our location in the Hill Country as inspiration. When you're not in the kitchen, where do you go for a good meal? I love Sushi. Godai Sushi Bar & Japanese Restaurant is my favorite and Magnolia Pancake House for breakfast. I have also been to many of the great restaurants in the world, but I enjoy simple food. What's next for you and the restaurant? We have a new menu change coming soon so that is very exciting. We will continue to improve our brand Texas Hill Country Cuisine. I will continue to find new sources for our menu. We are a work in progress. Tapatio Springs has a long history and will continue to get better. That is our mission to be the best in what we do!!!!

Apple Cobbler with Texas Pecans

Boerne and the surrounding area is rich in history, culture, and resources that Tapatio Springs Hill Country Resort has readily at its disposal to create a unique experience for its guests. The area has a location that is unlike any other in the country, and many people are astounded by the beautiful geography and less known facts about the Hill Country. Antique lovers will be drawn to the bountiful options of antique shops and the small town feel of downtown Boerne. Nearby Fredericksburg is home to the Enchanted Rock, a natural formation, that has some of the best sunset views so have your camera ready and pack a comfortable pair of shoes for the hike.

Griddled red fish with Texas Blue Crab & dirty rice

CAPTURE time

photography by BILLY BY

BillyBy.com

A Candid Talk w i t h FARHAD MOHIT

T h e FREEDOM SCULPTURE COMES t o t he WEST COAST

Farhad Mohit at Unveiling Ceremony

Some ideas can crawl through time and grip us hard around the

throat, even centuries later. These ideas woven across our human history belong to all of us in many ways. Through art, through change and evolution, and through how we collectively live, and move forward. We, all of us, leave something of ourselves behind and impact this collective knowledge, as we take turns passing through this wheel of life. And, that divinity interwoven through centuries of human existence is hard to capture, but we try. We build monuments, we write books, and create art to inspire, to remember, and to applaud a person, an idea, a vision. To pass it on. To add to it and move it forward. In turn, to maybe reach through time in our own way, and grip another mind gathered around the same human truth....a day, a year, or many a century later. Sculptures have done this throughout all of human history, they've awed us and inspired us and were the first 'celebrities' of their day, if you will. So, it seems only fitting for Los Angeles to be host to a new awe inspiring sculpture by renowned artist Cecil Balmond, The Freedom Sculpture. The Freedom Sculpture is a public monumental gift, spearheaded by Farhang Foundation, and crowd funded by over 1 million people from across the globe! The sculpture was officially gifted and unveiled in a city wide celebration on July 4th, 2017, with over 75,000 people in attendance. We had the chance to have an exclusive talk with Farhad Mohit, Vice Chairman and Founding Trustee of Farhang Foundation, who had the initial spark of an idea for this project. Mohit is passionate and gregarious about this venture and his enthusiasm is infectious. When asked about how this endeavor came about, and how it has since unfolded, Farhad laughs and says, "Honestly, I had no idea what would happen when we started. But, at every turn we have been surprised, and it has worked out... it has gone smoothly."

Mohit says he was initially inspired by a TED talk given by

Neil MacGregor, about The Cyrus Cylinder, and how 2600 years of history is represented in this one object, dug up in 1879. The Cylinder records the conquest of Babylon in 539 B.C. by the Persian king Cyrus the Great who ruled 559â&#x20AC;&#x201C;530 B.C. Cyrus had been viewed as a benevolent ruler, even before the discovery of the Cylinder, but the Cylinder has come to be viewed by many as the ďŹ rst declaration of human rights. Before that, the Greek historian Xenophon presented him as an ideal leader in his Cyropaedia, while Old Testament texts praise Cyrus for bringing an end to the Jewish exile in Babylon. Farhad says, "I saw this TED talk by Neil MacGregor in 2012, you can look it up on You Tube, I really recommend it. Anyways, his talk blew me away, there was so much I did not know! It is such a rich history and what a great thing to be able to pass on in some way." Mohit is a visionary in his own right, a veteran of the tech world, and a serial entrepreneur. He founded BizRate.com right after business school, and then went on to create Shopzilla.com that he sold to EW Scripps (SSP) for $565m, in 2005. He is currently founder and CEO at Flipagram, a popular app that allows you to turn photos and videos, into short stories set to your favorite music on your phone! So, he is no stranger to new ideas with seemingly tough obstacles to overcome. He is quick to say this however, "The beauty of this project is that it was a group effort. A vision is nothing if you cannot execute it. This is so symbolic because so many people supported it, to make it happen. It has been a team effort and even the idea evolved over time. And, the project has gone smoothly because of this incredible support."

Cecil Balmond

standing in

front of his sculpture.

U N V E I L I N G C E R E M O N Y

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti with a message for the crowd

L to R: Fariborz Davoodian and Shaun Toub

Downtown Houston

U N V E I L I N G C E R E M O N Y

Fre e d o m S c u l p t u re Co m m i t t e e

Top Arash performing Right Above City Councilman Paul Koretz & Farhad Mohit Right Below Freedom Sculpture Committee Photos courtesy of Farhang Foundation

He gives all the credit to Farhang Foundation and the Freedom Sculpture Committee and every single donor, large and small, who participated in this fully crowd funded project. All with a common goal of creating a public monument to reﬂect the ideals represented in The Cyrus Cylinder 2600 years ago, those of cultural diversity, inclusiveness, and freedom.

"This was a city project, so there were logistics to figure out. I mean, where can we put this? That was a big question. Would the city even allow us to do this? But, again Mayor Eric Garcetti was very supportive of the project." But, who would create it and how would they go about finding the right match of artist and project? Farhad explains, "We decided to do a contest and invite artists to submit their work for consideration. Now, I mean the prize was not a large amount. And, we were unsure what to expect, but luckily the story got picked up by an art magazine, and next thing we know, we have over 300 submissions! It was incredible." Farhad continues, "We were lucky, and our jury was good. We picked the winning design, and it is by Cecil Balmond. It was unbelievable!" Chances are Cecil Balmond would not have been interested in this project if it did not represent something bigger, symbolically. Balmond, artist and architect, is widely considered to be one of the most significant creators of his generation, and of this sculpture he says that he agrees that “it represents the universal values of tolerance and freedom.” The sculpture was unveiled as part of the Freedom Festival, a sort of community 'block party' with live music, food, and fireworks. A festival they plan to have annually, Farhad explains.

Cecil Balmond says that his design is made to be seen at

speed. Perfect for its L.A. location on Santa Monica Blvd. at the gateway to Beverly Hills, where more than 100,000 cars drive by every day. Also, he explains, the sculpture's patterns and design are based on mathematical equations using universal prime numbers. Meant to represent our differences and to remind us that our differences can make us stronger. The Freedom Sculpture is now the most widely crowd supported monumental gift in U.S. history. Mohit and his wife are major donors themselves. But, the list of notable supporters is a long one, and includes Jerry Brown, Governor of California, who says he believes "this to be an ideal monument to represent what California embodies." Elon Musk is a big supporter, as is Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti, Lynda Resnick of Pom and Fiji Water, Sir Michael Moritz, Firouz Naderi of NASA, and over one million other donors from across the U.S. and 50 other countries. The beauty of being part of this donor's list is this: regardless of the amount of your contribution, your name will go up on The Freedom Sculpture's Online Donor Wall, to become part of this national landmark's permanent legacy. But, you must do this by October 31, 2017. Farhad closes by saying, "this has been an amazing ride. Beyond all our expectations. So many people played a part in making it happen. We hope to impact the community at large in a positive way. As an expression of who we are as Iranian Americans, but more importantly as the expression of who we are as people."

There is very little we can add to this other than to say Welcome to California Freedom Sculpture!

LIVE LIFE in the FAST LANE

Co r s a V i t a . co m

A NIGHT at

CORVINO SUPPER C LU B

b y C y n t hi a Ma l o n e

The restaurant has a dark noir feel. A navy wall is adorned

with a white raven, or corvino in Italian, a nod to chef’s namesake. The decor is minimal, letting patrons focus on the food in front of them. Everything in the restaurant is done with purpose; from the spotlighting on the bar that places your dish center stage, to the plates themselves. Kansas City, Missouri has begun a transformation in becoming a very foodie city, and places like Corvino Supper Club are part of the reasons why! Sitting at the bar, I immediately noticed the symphony that is the kitchen. Through a small window behind the taps, Chef Michael Corvino was cleaning the grill, his sous chefs behind him were chopping and prepping plates for service, moving melodically from station to station. As I looked down the long sleek bar, I noted that everyone had their eyes on him; mesmerized by a man whose restaurant was listed along with fifteen others as one of the most anticipated restaurants of 2017 by Eater Magazine. The menu is diverse yet contained, and quite difficult to find anywhere online. It took a friend sending me photos while she was there to see it until someone got wise and posted it on their social media page. The cuisine is diverse and is traditionally called, ‘Modern American’. Dishes range from salads to fried chicken but all with a twist; a spin on the expected, a delight for the palate. I chose a range of seven small plates which ranged in price from $8 to $14. While there is a dedicated Sommelier on staff, I started with the Raventos I Blanc L’Hereu Reserva Brut to accompany the first dish; oysters. They were perhaps the smallest I had ever seen yet they were also the creamiest and unlike any oyster I have ever had. They were served simply, on a bed of ice without the traditional mignonette or horseradish. The flavor was memorable and for being so small they were mighty, creamy even. Social media foodies and bloggers have attested that the carrot and avocado salad is the star of the menu so I had to add it to my repertoire. It is plated beautifully with the tops of the small orange, purple and white carrots left intact. The pine nut added a crunch to the roasted but soft and cold carrots. When paired with the avocado I could see where Chef’s mind was when creating this dish. The carrot puree was so divine I would almost rather him have made a soup out of that instead. Black lime and mint failed to give it the zest it needed and the yogurt on the dish fell a bit short for me. Topped with shaved white carrot that tasted similar to daikon, it gave too much chew to the softness of the salad and it was left unfinished. Redemption came with the Beet Toast on perhaps the best grilled rye bread I have ever had. The first bite took me back to Spain where grilled bread with tomato runs rampant and often, it’s the simplest of pleasures that outlast all others.

The presentation alone made me feel like it was a dish Snow

White herself might eat in a fairytale. With pea shoots, yogurt and quinoa and the redness of the beets it was a feast for the eyes as well as the stomach. The Hirsch Gruner Veltliner white that I ordered came just in time to elevate the spring flavors within. The fingerling fries with their ‘XO’ sauce were seasoned well, but I would probably enjoy them more with a cold beer and a hangover. They did pair well with the fried chicken that could stand on its own. The breading was crisp and well-seasoned and upon the first cut, hot steam rose out of it; a sight a diner always wants to see. It was tender and delicious and my only wish was that it was served with a waffle instead of lettuce. The Chicken Liver Mousse was sweet when topped with dried honey, it was airy without being overpowering, but true connoisseurs of liver may not indulge though you would be remiss to kick it off the plate. The star for me was the Steak Tartar. It was my first time trying this dish-anywhere-and as someone who has been a pescetarian all of her life, the fact that this won me over says more than I ever could. It was ahi tuna with a meaty flavor and the béarnaise and pumpernickel cracker it was served with, pushed it over the top. I scraped the last bits of it and wanted to hold tightly to the plate when the waiter came to take it away. I suggest ordering one for yourself and not sharing. Ending the meal with an espresso is a noteworthy idea, especially as they serve it with sugar (and lemon upon request). It was rich and decadent and the perfect ending to a meal that felt like a destination. While one or two dishes weren’t what I was expecting, that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I plan on going back soon to try more and try often. Apart from the main dining hall is the reservation-only Tasting Room that seats up to 18 where Chef will prepare the best of his delicacies for a fixed price, specializing it for his guests. Live music plays each night by various artists on the stage at the entrance. I had the pleasure of speaking with Chef Michael and his wife after dinner and he shared with me his past; most recently, working as Head Chef at The American Restaurant, a venue that has been around Kansas City for years but has recently closed its doors after 42 years. He and his wife had said numerous times that they wanted a place that their friends would hang out; that they would want to spend time in and they have done exactly that. While the sparse interior makes a definite statement and leaves an impression of focus and minimalism, the warmth of Chef and his wife Christina makes Corvino the kind of place you want to keep going back to. Patrons I have talked to have been back time and time again; for the food, for the music, for the company. While it is a fine dining restaurant the ‘come as you are’ motto holds true. Wear what you wish and enjoy yourself. Hang out, relax and eat good food.

C o r v i n o S u p p e r C l u b & Ta s t i n g R o o m C o r v i n o . c o m

I've long believed that good food, good eating, is all about risk.

Whether we're talking about

unpasteurized Stilton, raw oysters or

working for organized crime

associates, food, for me, has always

been an adventure.

Anthony Bourdain

b y P a u l a H . Co o k s o n 44

C AT F I S H i N G

I'm usually not so assertive, but when I read your profile and saw your pictures, I had to reach out to you. Why this works: Not only is the victim now feeling special, he believes his profile and pictures have caused her to step outside of her comfort zone to reach out and be more assertive. Everyone wants to feel as if they are compelling and bring out the best in others. I'd love to learn all about you and tell you all about myself. I was surprised to see we have all the same interests. Why this works: It suggests the fisher is an open book. The fisher wants to know about the victim and is interested in the details of his life. And similar interests? But of course. It suggests the fisher can offer friendship as well as intimacy. Hey sexy. When I saw your profile I immediately knew you were special. Why this works: It indicates that the victim has an appealing quality; not only is he sexy, he is "special." We all want to be special and seen for our best qualities. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I was so attracted to your pictures and wasn't even sure if someone like you would be interested in someone like me. It has been a long time since I've been with anyone, but i am very passionate. You're so hot. Why this works: It capitalizes on several elements; a.) the victim gets to feel sexy, and who doesn't want that? b.) the fisher extends some indication of self doubt and is putting it out there as a form of vulnerability to allow him to "rescue" c.) the fisher claims she has been abstinent for a long time and is super horny. Many a man/woman's dream, right?

Remember back in the good old days when cat

fishing was merely a fresh-water, summer in the country, pastime? Online dating and social media interaction has allowed improved ability for connection with people all over the world. The love of your life could be on the other end of a connection you made on the web. It's captivating, mysterious and exciting. And risky. We like to think we're savvy and above being tricked by some nefarious prankster online, but even the most cynical among us can be fooled into believing in a skilled catfishing scam. A catfisher can be male or female, young or old, and from any location (with online access) in the world. A person who catfishes creates a fake identity online and lures in unsuspecting love interests who think they are corresponding with the person whose picture they are seeing on the catfisher's profile. The motives for catfishing behavior are as various as the tales they weave; some fishers are trolling for money or material goods, others are just having a good time, and some even have delusions about landing a relationship with someone whom they feel is out of their league, using the fake pictures and made-up life story. Some catfishers convince themselves that someday, if they meet the victim, the victim will be so in love that the bait-n-switch won't matter so much.

Or maybe the ﬁsher intends to keep the

romance online only, to avoid the chance of being discovered for who they really are. The computer screen can be an effective hiding place for those with multiple agendas, those who wish to take your money, or just mess around with your emotions, and sometimes to stroke their own broken egos or unfulﬁlled needs. But, how do people fall for a scam that even they can later agree, seems somewhat obvious.

Imagine corresponding with someone for

several months online. They have their life together (as per profile provided), they share your interests (not too difficult to do behind a phone screen in text format), and they seem open and available and honest. Again not that difficult to do in digital format alone. And, you develop a comfort level in which you can start sharing more information about yourself, and you see that they are sharing more, too. Which is easy to do if the stories they tell are made up to begin with. So, trust begins to develop. A connection is forming, and it seems inevitable that when you meet, the sparks will continue to fly and this could turn into the best relationship you've ever had. Then one day, the discussion about planning a visit begins. You plan what you might do when you get together, he or she agrees to come to your area and it seems as if this may really happen. You set a date for the visit. And then suddenly they had to loan money to their grandmother who needed surgery and now they can't afford the plane ticket to get to you.

This connection is important to you and you

want to meet one another and have all of these great plans made, so you dismiss the nagging little voice in the back of your head and offer to send him/her money for the plane ticket. Oh, and grandma needs a new cane for after surgery, sure that's understandable, and you send money for that, too. You're not a sucker, you're a compassionate person who likes to help, and you really want to meet this wonderful person you've been corresponding with for so long. But, they never arrive. There's always an excuse why he/she can't Skype, talk on the phone or visit you. Then the person vanishes. Thousands of dollars that cannot be recouped. The story above happened to a psychotherapy client of mine, many years ago.

then mistrusted every interaction with potential mates online and became even more guarded and bitter as a result. The client also became less compassionate toward others online and began to take on a more aggressive online attitude, which did not serve him well. Online scams and catfishing show us a jaundiced side of humanity in which the end justifies the means. It reminds us that even in the comfort of our own homes, we aren't entirely safe. The Nigerian Prince scam has been fairly well publicized, but new scams and individual pariahs lurk around every seemingly safe dating and social media corner. Those who are deluding themselves into thinking their online trickery is a way to connect with someone are likely suffering from more internal disconnections from reality, from themselves, and others. It may be that the fisher in this scenario suffers from a significant trauma history; it is highly likely that this fisher has extremely low self-esteem. Whatever the case, there is a willful disconnect that allows this type of fisher to engage in this level of self deception and thereby justifies the deception of others. While it is seemingly less nefarious, it is a double deception, and carries its own level of deep emotional turmoil. We all love to pretend from time to time. But, gaming fishers crave excitement, novelty and attention. Perhaps they don't view their flirtation and online lies as destructive because they aren't actually stealing material goods. Their justification may come from the belief that "everyone is lying" online. Maybe these fishers are just bored and creating a character online that is far from their reality to escape the doldrums of life (the tired, middle aged housewife who pretends to be a hot, young model). So, remember when connecting with others online, be open but cautious, if a story would not add up in real life do not quickly believe it in an online connection, and also remember that sometimes it pays to be skeptical. Don't send money if you’ve never met! Paula H. Cookson, LCSW is a freelance writer and psychotherapist from Belfast, Maine.

C AT F I S H i N G

The after effect was devastating for this client, who

Good old Julius was popular, powerful, ruthless, and well-spoken: an influential statesman who commanded respect wherever he went. But, as Lord Acton reminds us, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Julius Caesar had become increasingly crooked and eventually he was assassinated by a group of his associates, including his own close friend and confidant, named Brutus. Whilst being stabbed in the back (both literally and figuratively) the Roman politician uttered the famous phrase: et tu Brute? This translates to: “you too Brutus?” – an expression of Caesar’s shock and dismay at being betrayed by his friend. Clearly, this betrayal was so emotionally damaging for Caesar that his physical stab wounds and imminent physical demise were of secondary significance. Whether it’s a dramatic act of treachery or merely a missed coffee date, being betrayed is an incredibly unpleasant experience. Not to imply, however, that scenarios such as these are necessarily mutually exclusive – interpersonal rejection superimposed upon caffeine deprivation can have incredibly inflammatory consequences, at times reminiscent of a Shakespearian tragedy. Nonetheless, whatever form the act of disloyalty comes as, we all know the result: that sickening churn in one’s stomach and the dull ache that throbs through one’s chest. Not to mention the roller-coaster of thoughts that invade one’s mind, igniting latent feelings of sorrow, apprehension, and even self-contempt. Research suggests that one of the most commonly occurring betrayals is that of romantic infidelity: being cheated on by one’s lover, husband, or wife. But many of us have also felt betrayed by friends, family members, business associates, or even institutions. Alternatively, one may be more familiar with everyday acts of betrayal which can be subtle and understated, yet no less painful. For example, perhaps your partner withdraws emotionally when he has had a bad day, or perhaps your work colleague occasionally goes for lunch with someone else, leaving you on your own. Maybe your children prefer spending time with their grandparents, or perhaps your boss regularly gives kudos to the new employee whilst overlooking the hard work that you keep doing.

by Daniel Sher

A T R Y D B

The extent to which betrayal hurts depends, in part, on our appraisals: how we make sense of the event. For example, a 2011 study by Christina Gamache Martin and colleagues showed that the negative psychological effects of abuse were accentuated when the victim interpreted this as an instance of betrayal; or when they felt ashamed and responsible for having been betrayed. By contrast, those who thought about their experiences in a more positive light experienced fewer psychological symptoms. But why does betrayal hurt as much as it does? Being betrayed implies a breaking of trust, which is the social cement that allows relationships to be characterized by open communication, safety, and mutual love. In therapy, a trusting relationship is arguably one of the most important factors for bringing about positive change. But when trust is broken during acts of betrayal, you are likely to feel dismayed and wounded, finding yourself suddenly flung from safety into a lonely world that is cruel and unforgiving. Evolutionarily speaking, betrayal hurts because preserving trust is important for the continued survival of the human species. Our pre-historic ancestors collaborated in their daily tasks: foraging, securing shelter, battling saber-tooth tigers, and finding ways to evade mosquitoes in the absence of readily available insect repellent. They had to work together and feelings of trust would guide the tribe in making decisions as to how to best ensure the group’s continued existence. A young alpha male who enjoyed playing pre-historic ball games instead of warding off hungry predators, for example, may have been regarded as untrustworthy. Naturally, trusting him would have presented a significant barrier to the tribe’s goal of staying alive and contributing to the gene pool. In modern times, therefore, we find ourselves hard-wired with an evolutionary drive to value and seek-out trust. When we feel the sharp sting of betrayal we are experiencing a stab to an ancient impulse to survive by seeking out connections that we can truly trust. But just how harmful is betrayal, psychologically speaking? In a study by Goldsmith and associates, betrayal was linked to symptoms of anxiety, depression, dissociation, and a range of physical health difficulties. Furthermore, in 2012 the Journal of Traumatic Stress published a study involving 319 undergraduate students who had experienced trauma. Some students described near-death experiences, such as physical abuse or involvement in car accidents, whilst others reported experiences of interpersonal betrayal. Traditionally, betrayal was not thought of as a predictor of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but this study showed that such experiences were equally likely to cause PTSD symptoms, with those who had been betrayed reporting more avoidance and emotional numbing than the rest of the group. However, although the experience of betrayal is never enjoyable and can even result in debilitating psychopathology, even the most treacherous of double-crossings can offer valuable silver linings. For one thing, these emotional ruptures create space for repair in the form of dialogue and forgiveness. This sort of growth can help foster relationships marked by a deeper sense of trust, safety, communication, and loyalty. But this process needs to be a two-way street: the ‘betrayer’ must acknowledge the hurt that they have caused and the victim must be able and willing to forgive. Still, even when this process of repair doesn’t happen successfully, the act of betrayal will have created an opportunity for expectations to be reevaluated, and for the betrayed to consider investing their emotional energy elsewhere if a resolve cannot be reached.

Daniel Sher M.A. is a Clinical Psychologist registered with the Health Professions Council of South Africa. Currently, he is a Community Service Clinical Psychologist with the Western Cape Department of Health. He lives in Cape Town.

Betray a friend and

you'll often ďŹ nd you have ruined yourself. Aesop, Aesop's Fables.

LiNES a photo series

Sergey Mans urovru

g e

r o v

g e

r o v

g e

r o v

g e

r o v

S e r g e y M a n s u r o v r u

Styles come and go. Good design is a language, not a style.

Massimo Vignelli

While it is common to gradually create distance when the intensity of a relationship is no longer desired, this often happens with the impetus of a break up - a moment when one party admits to the other that it is no longer working, and it is time to move on. Breakups elicit tears, heartbreak, sometimes sighs of relief, and can at other times be quite painful. One positive thing breaking up creates however, regardless of who is giving or receiving the fatal news, is the provision of a much needed thing for moving on - closure. Losing a loved one without closure is a difficult experience to overcome. In cases of death, there is certainty and a sense of the finite, and that in itself can act as a layer of closure, regardless of the remaining pain from the loss. Ghosting, in contrast, refers to the complete disappearance of a living person without explanation, or even notice. This phenomenon is becoming increasingly more common in today’s online and digitally enhanced dating world. On one hand, technology offers individuals the power to create their own shades of privacy, and on the other hand it leaves all of us more susceptible to the practice of ghosting, and also more accepting of it. Some lifestyle and relationship articles provide ways one might be able to determine when they are about to get “ghosted”, but the common cause for ghosting seems to be universal - either the person has suffered a fatal injury (in worst case scenarios), or well....they’re just “not that into you” and no longer want you in their life.

GHOSTING

According to Dr. Jack Schafer, as described in his book “The Like Switch”, there are four basic components required for creating a lasting relationship: proximity, frequency, duration, and intensity. Dr. Schafer, himself an ex FBI Special Agent who specialized in behavior analysis and spy recruitment, says that if one removes any one of these components, a relationship will slowly dissipate.

M.K. Angeles

A complete disappearance act by a significant other can have a negative impact on self-esteem, even for those with a healthy dose of self-love. The impact of ghosting makes the individual question not only the break up or end of a relationship, but why they were suddenly abandoned, as if something they did contributed to the abandonment of the relationship. Without the other party ever having to face their own part within the relational dynamic. Ghosting creates feelings of misunderstanding, creating a lack of closure therein, making it difficult to move on or to know if the disappearance was intentional. What if something terrible actually happened? Researchers in the world of modern dating indicate that ghosting is becoming part of the new normal, and perhaps this offers some sort of respite and will encourage others not to take being “ghosted” too personally. With an increasing number of online dating platforms and apps, the ability to disappear and switch between platforms is much easier than say, avoiding someone who lives in your neighborhood. Ghosting is usually done by a person who is avoiding confrontation, or a reaction from the person being ghosted. Getting “ghosted” assumes that the recipient will eventually “get the hint” and move on. Indeed this causes harm not only to the person being ignored, but it also harms the person doing the ghosting. If you are the person ghosting, you are programming yourself to believe that only your feelings matter and that any uncomfortable or awkward situation should be avoided. Thus, you are regressing in relationship and life skills rather than progressing or evolving. "If you want a successful, meaningful, long-lasting relationship, you are going to need to be able to handle conflict, confrontation and truthfulness; you are going to need to communicate and express the tough words as well as hear them. That principle applies to all relationships including work and career, not just romantic relationships,” said Dr. Patrick Wanis, who shared another alarming statistic from the online dating site, Plenty of Fish: of the 800 millennials on the site between ages 18 - 33, 80% of them had experienced ghosting.

G H O S

Another take on ghosting is a more sympathetic one, as writer and comedian Lane Moore describes in her accounts and conversations with ghosters and ghostees. Instead of going through the pains of explaining to someone why they aren’t your type, simply ghosting is a means of cutting ties in a way to save both parties from some of the pain of the final judgment and explanations that often puts the person being rejected into a defensive position. Writer Alison Stevenson cordially interviewed some men who had ghosted her in the past and shared her findings. Her interviews revealed a culture, particularly on the dating app Tinder, that could explain why ghosting happens so often on this particular platform. As one of her former “ghosts” explained, an app like Tinder creates a scenario where two people do not already share a friend group, and will likely not run into each other unless planned. Being that this app is also very often used for finding casual encounters, not a long-term relationship, the assumption for many is that there are no strings attached. The idea of creating a serious relationship in a forum built around casual encounters could explain part of the ghosting conundrum. If the expectation, for at least one party, is believed to be for a hookup or encounter that is short-lived, then simply disappearing is considered appropriate. The time period between disappearance and knowing when to move on is still a tricky one, since the etiquette of online and app-based dating has not been clearly defined. Because people are so closely connected through devices, there is an expectation to be available and a quick response to notifications that can only take a few moments to send, if the person wants to send it. So, it is hard to gage how long it takes before the normal being busy on a certain day or week turns into the experience of being ghosted, but it takes very little time and effort to make contact or respond to a text in today’s world, so this also can take us to the ghosting phase fairly quickly! Anthropologist Margaret Mead said "one of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night." Perhaps this need will never go away. But, ghosting may over time make us more and more immune to it, as the assumption will more easily be that someone is ghosting; rather than being in some kind of trouble. While technology has certainly brought people together more than ever, there are now also more ways to grow further apart. In the case of ghosting, the main issue boils down to two ingredients at odds: expectation and communication. The responsibility for creating healthy online relationships is no different than managing any other relationship in life. Even with the wall of comfort and security that comes with communicating from behind a screen, friends in common or not - the same courage applies in letting others know when things are over, in whatever level of relationship established, so they can respectfully move on. And, more importantly so that both parties can evolve and become more successful in their respective future relationships.

T I N G

THE ART o f SELF SABOTAGE 68

Do you ever feel that, despite your best intentions, a part of you keeps pushing toward pain and failure? Catherine* certainly felt that way. A resounding “thwack” echoed through the cafeteria as she raised the plastic tray to her own face. Some of the other psychiatric patients looked up in a stunned stupor, yet Catherine’s own face remained calm and composed, as if nothing had happened. She was afforded the opportunity to ‘thwack’ herself another three times before security rushed in to restrain her. We all desire vaguely similar things from life – happiness, a fulfilling career, and a beautiful husband or wife that makes us breakfast in bed. And yet, just like Catherine, so many people seem to share an impulse to shoot themselves in the foot, so to speak, just when things are starting to go well. What is this all about? In this article we investigate the world of self-sabotage, exploring this bizarre impulse to gravitate toward failure rather than success. Do you self-sabotage? Whilst Catherine’s situation was severe enough to warrant hospitalization, more benign forms of the very same behavior exist. For example, perhaps you often find yourself digging into that chocolate cake shortly after starting a new diet? Or maybe it’s a matter of sparking unnecessary arguments with the love of your life? Why is it that you are never able to keep your new year’s resolutions? Or you may be one of those who spend hours scrolling through Facebook when you have a deadline looming? Whilst procrastination hasn’t been listed in the DSM 5 as a psychiatric disorder (yet), the idea of self-sabotage has a long history within psychiatry.

by DANIEL SHER

For example, the “self defeating personality” was once proposed, but never formalized as a diagnosis. Today, there are several official disorders which might be considered when someone’s behavior is self-destructive or self-obstructive. Dissociative Identity (formerly multiple personality) Disorder, ObsessiveCompulsive Disorder, Borderline Personality, and Dependent Personality Disorders all involve tendencies toward self-sabotage. Similarly, the idea of masochism, whereby a person is attracted to pain and misery rather than pleasure and success, is a common notion amongst psychoanalysts. So, where does this paradoxical attraction to sorrow come from? For Catherine, a traumatic childhood was the likely culprit. Her mother had died in labor, meaning that she grew up with an unstable uncle who was emotionally unavailable, neglectful, and even abusive at times. The uncle had also experienced a difficult childhood and he had developed overpowering feelings of inferiority for failing to live up to the unreasonable expectations of his perfectionistic family. Despite the abuse, Catherine loved her Uncle, who did his best to love her back. But for Catherine, it was safer to interpret her emotional pain as being her own fault, rather than acknowledging the shortcomings of her abusive caregiver, who was also her only source of care and support. This led her to see herself as bad and deserving of punishment. Furthermore, she began to develop intense feelings of shame that rained down upon her whenever she started to progress in life. Unconsciously, she believed that by excelling at anything she was leaving her fragile uncle in her wake. This guilt – combined with a view of herself as being inherently bad – created an uncontrollable impulse to damage herself physically, using whatever hardened object she had in her reach.

O F t h e S E L F With psychotherapy, however, Catherine was eventually able to recognize the origins of her behavior and to take control of her self-sabotage. But how can we explain the self-sabotage that happens in those who lack psychiatric diagnoses and overly traumatic histories? For some, self-sabotage allays the fear of failure. For example, many settle for a life which feels mediocre, safe and comfortable â&#x20AC;&#x201C; not spectacular but not unpleasant either. Striving for success involves opening oneself up to the terrifying risk of failure. So, when life presents opportunities to excel, self-sabotage may help to escape this threatening anxiety and avoid the risk of failing altogether. By sabotaging ourselves, we often act in accordance with some deep-rooted negative beliefs. Furthermore, this sort of behavior can provide one with a sense of power and mastery. How? Well, life is inherently unpredictable and we never know when we will be hurt or disappointed and this false mastery is a way of taking matters into our own hands, by sabotaging ourselves before life has a chance to do so. In these cases, feelings of disappointment and misery are preferable to feelings of being out of control! So where does this leave us? Self-sabotage can cause much pain and anguish but by exploring the underlying reasons for self-sabotage, it becomes apparent that these tendencies can also be functional and protective, safeguarding us from powerful fears and anxieties. Without failures and obstacles, the whole journey of life would be simpler, but dreary and superficially dull. Self-sabotage affords us the opportunity to engage with ourselves to increase self knowledge, making our world richly nuanced and ultimately more deeply meaningful.

O F t h e S E L F

P h o t o b y S e r g e y M a n s u r o v r u

MEMORiES

Your memory center, otherwise known as the brainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hippocampus, Your memory center, regenerates all through your lifetime. Yes, even if you live well into your 90s. And, there are a few things you can do to give your brain a better chance at neuroplasticity, a process where your brain grows new neurons even as you age. The important factor remains this: to practice these behaviors as general habits and as part of your lifestyle. Your brain works hard and around the clock, even when youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re sleeping! So, it pays to give it some TLC .....

G r a b o n t o y o u r . . .

M E M O R Y B O O S T BRAIN push ups. Use it well and often. Learn a new language. Take a random class. Research consistently shows that when you keep mentally active, by learning new things and engaging in behaviors that stimulate your brain cells, your memory is more likely to stay strong. B complex. Take your B Vitamins regularly as they have great impact on memory. BE a writer. Writing something down is similar to you copying it in your mind 3x over, because you ďŹ rst think of writing the item, then you write it, and then you read and review it as you are writing it. So, write it down. BE like a woman. Sorry gentlemen, it seems that in general women outscore men on all kinds of memory tests. BE relaxed. Don't be hard on yourself if you do forget, instead also remember all the times you DID remember that birthday, the name of your high school friend, or the answer to the exam question. BE stinky. Research on mice, at the University of Tokyo, has shown that garlic may help prevent some age-related memory losses. BE patient. It seems that speed of response begins to diminish at around age 50. BE accurate. As speed diminishes it does not mean that accuracy has to go with it, as accuracy does not necessarily diminish with age. Stop multi-tasking and focus. BE adventurous. Do something you've never done before. Modify your habits. Listen to a different kind of music. Take a different route home. Walk backwards. BE a dancer. Increasing blood circulation and oxygen delivery helps against build-up of toxins. Get physically active. BE a painter. Research shows that creativity can help improve mood and health and in turn improve mental functioning. So, put your mind at ease and pick up a paint brush!

MEMORiES

The ChildFree Choice

T R U E S T O R I E S. D I F F E R E N T E X P E R I E N C E S. S A M E C H O I C E . We have sent humans into the depths of space. We have developed stem cell treatments for human disease. We have accepted reality television as a valid source of entertainment. And yet, in our increasingly progressive culture we still hold on to some limiting beliefs about the roles of women. While we have come a long way, there are ongoing unspoken expectations about the timeline of a woman's life. Our culture continues to quietly nurture this idea that women who choose to not have children are somehow breaking with societal expectations of what is â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;normalâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; or acceptable. Even more so than the men who share their lives, and choose to be childfree too. When asked about the reactions of others to their decision to not have children, Laura states, "No one asks my husband why he doesn't have children; that somehow he wasn't involved in the decision, it must have been the wife that made that call. Even when we are both standing right there, they ask me why I didn't have children."

by Paula H. Cookson 76

Photo by ASjack

TJ, who is single and made the decision to not have children

when she was a teenager, shares, "mostly people are surprised. Most people think you're going to grow up and have kids and are surprised when you don't." That societal expectation has impacted most of the women interviewed, including Anne, who states, "as part of normal social occasions, people often ask what we do for work and if we have kids. It's a normal question and I was never offended but people often have strange reactions varying from pity, thinking maybe we can't have kids, to judgment that we are selfish." Brandy echoes similar sentiments, "I think there is judgment about being childless. Some of my friends think it's a selfish choice but I think it is more selfish if you are not ready...I often feel sad that people think I need a man or a child to make me whole. I love my life and am happy with its current state. I choose to not hold other people's feelings as my own." Jennifer, who married in her late twenties and has a step child and an adopted child from a family member says, "I never wanted to have [biological] children. I never thought about it when I was a young woman; I was a little selfish and enjoyed my life the way it was. I had fears of child birth pain and my mother just drilling into me about how hard life would be once married and with children." It's interesting that some consider it selfish for a woman to decide to not have children. Beneath the use of the term selfish lies an implicit expectation that a woman's role is to breed and populate the planet, and that by choosing not to utilize her reproductive parts for the growth of other humans, she is somehow depriving the world of what she "owes" it. What an odd conclusion. One would think we are on the verge of extinction with this bizarre mindset. It is also interesting that men don't seem to be held to this same standard, as the carrier of the sperm that is required to create new life. Some of the women surveyed felt as if family reacted well to their decision to not marry or to not have children, while others have dealt with harsh reactions from family members.

Anne shared that her mother has held her judgment about her and her husband's decision to not have children, as has her grandmother. She has felt some level of expectation from other family members about having children over the years, but this was somewhat allayed by the fact that she had medical issues that prevented her from baring children. Anne reports that when she was younger, she found it easier to let people assume that they didn't have children because of her medical issues, but as she and her husband got older, they were more open about the fact that it was actually by choice that they didn't have kids. Anne said, "I try to explain to people that the switch never turned on for me, I just never had the desire to have a baby. I feel that raising a child, even in the best circumstances, is a challenge so having a child that wasn't really, truly wanted would be wrong." Anne shared that past work environments have been inconsiderate about scheduling holidays as a result of her not having children. She explains, "we were meeting with about twenty people to plan holiday coverage and the manager said I would have to cover Christmas 'since you don't have a family'. It was just mean to assume that Christmas must not be special to me (we were married at the time) because I didn't have children. And I did get scheduled for not just Christmas but also Thanksgiving for that same reason. I was young and didn't ďŹ ght back like I would today." Anne also shared that due to co-worker's parenting obligations, she often has to cover for parents who are out with a sick child or a snow day from school, which can be frustrating and creates an extra workload for her. She has also felt a separation from her church as a result of the majority of social activities within the congregation being geared toward families with children. Jennifer experienced similar workplace treatment when she was younger, prior to getting married. She notes that "I married later on at 29 and society (the work force) is not that nice if you are single and do not have any children. I used to hear it all the time, 'oh Jennifer you can work all the weekends, late at night and holidays since you do not have a family." Similarly, Brandy shares that at nearly 40 years old, her family and friends have "given up" asking when she will marry or even if she is dating. She states, "I think people wonder what is wrong with me that I don't have a serious relationship. There often seems like a ton of pity when I say I'm single." Brandy also points out, that from her experience, there is still more judgment from others about being childless than being single as a woman.

It felt intrusive to ask "why," but it felt remiss, in an article on this topic, not to ask. So I did.

Laura stated, "I'm often asked why, how could I possibly not want children?! Which is so insulting, because no one would ever think it is okay to ask someone how they could possibly want children. I usually say it's personal and try to make them uncomfortable about asking, so other women aren't faced with this question." She also adds that she just knew that "being a mom wasn't something I was meant to be. I wasn't sure how having a family and all the responsibilities that come with that role would ďŹ t in with my other dreams and aspirations." She also notes that in thinking about her own mother's day to day life, which was a traditional marital role, she realized how her mom was held back from knowing herself and making herself a priority. Laura says, "I'd be damned if I'd let that happen to me." Anne shared, "We don't 'hate' kids as I think many people assume to be the case. We have two godchildren local to us that we love very much and are happy to spend time with...we are not cold or mean, we just don't happen to be parents...the switch never turned on for me." Anne says that she and her husband have been able to "laugh it off for the most part." She has found that it has helped to ďŹ nd others who are "child free by choice, to feel more normal and not alone in our decision." Anne also adds, "I feel now that people are well intentioned and just awkward sometimes with the subject so it's helpful to joke about it and then they are at ease." Pippi states that her reaction to people who have criticized her choice has been anger. She has told people "that's your opinion" and "stuff it" and let their opinions roll off her back! TJ said the opinions of other people have never bothered her much. She states, "I don't even think about it...it's my decision; they have to deal with it. Luckily, no one has bothered me."

Jill shared that she understands the views of older people and believes it is due to generational differences. She was surprised when a friend closer to her own age made comments about how she should have gotten married etc…, but she attributes this to his culture and perhaps being from a southern state. Jill shared that she hasn't had strong feelings about others' opinions and always recognized that it was her choice. Laura says her family and friends have been understanding and accepting of their decision not to have children, and notes that it is co-workers and acquaintances that have caused more awkward moments, particularly by asking "why".

IN THE END SOME Lessons Learned "Live the life you choose. Embrace your choice." -Brandy "I listen because not all situations are the same and share how I am feeling."-Verna "Stay strong. Know your own self; don't go against your gut." -Pippi "True friends are friends, no matter what. So if they can't ﬁgure out how to maintain a friendship with you because you don't have kids and they do, talk to them about it, don't just write off the friendship, explain what you need and see if they can meet you part way. If your family is having a hard time, ﬁnd someone to talk to. That's heavy and under no circumstances should you let someone pressure you into any decision. Create some good one liners about whatever you keep getting asked that makes you crazy. Next time someone asks me The Why question, I'm going to say 'why ask why'. You can have a truly full and rewarding life without children. I have an extremely amazing life. And yes, there are some great kids in my life, and there are always other ways to connect with kids and with our larger communities." -Laura "Be strong in your convictions....if you don't feel called to be a mother. You are complete exactly as you are." -Anne "Everyone's life circumstances are different; they need to do what's right for them."-Jill "I'd say, they know what they are comfortable with and that's what they need to do. You do what you need to do."-TJ Paula H. Cookson, LCSW is a freelance writer and psychotherapist from Belfast, Maine.

SAFFRON and friends

Packed with vitamin C, vitamin B6, magnesium, manganese, iron, and potassium, Saffron is the world’s most

expensive spice. It takes at least 80,000 ﬂowers to make a single pound of Saffron, with a buyer's cost of approximately $1000 to $5000 per pound depending on the quality. The ﬂowers are gathered when the violetblue buds open up, producing 3 stigmas (threadlike strands) ranging about 25 to 30 millimeters in size. The same ancient growing and manual harvesting methods are still used today, as stigmas are removed one by one by hand due to their delicate nature, making Saffron a costly spice to produce. Saffron is revered for the color and aroma it adds to culinary dishes, but it is also known to be an aphrodisiac. But, with Saffron, always remember that very little can go a long way!

This queen of spices has been cultivated for thousands of years, used in medicine, perfumes, dyes, and of

course in food and beverages. Saffron based pigments have been found in 50,000 year-old depictions of prehistoric places in north-west Iran. Today, over 90% of the Saffron harvested worldwide is produced in Iran. Spain and India are also other notable producers, as are Greece, Morocco and Italy; and the U.S. ranks ﬁrst as the world's largest spice consumer. Autumn is harvest time. Consequently, damp and hot conditions are not good for Saffron and can damage it, on the other hand, Saffron can easily handle extremely low temperatures. Research in modern medicine has found that Saffron can work as an active immune modulator, and act as an anti-depressant and sex-stimulant. It is also believed to help with high blood pressure.

Saffron Flower 86

S p i c e D i s p l ay i n D u b a i

SAFFRON and friends

Clear evidence of use of spices in the Middle East dates back to 5000 BC. Greeks and Romans spent

much of their wealth on trade with Arabia—the center of the spice trade at the time. In Rome, and later in Medieval and Renaissance times, the very wealthy used rare spices in their cooking as a sign of their status. So much so, that it is said that the most privileged developed an exaggerated taste for spicy foods! Consequently, this very need—to supply European markets with desired spices—spurred some extraordinary explorations, some of which resulted in great discoveries, including but not limited to the discovery that the globe could be circumnavigated by sea!

Spices have a long list of phyto-nutrients, essential oils, anti-oxidants, minerals and vitamins extremely beneﬁcial to our health. Spices improve the appeal of our diets and cuisine, and their ﬂavors help us salivate and better digest our food. Today, the use of spices continues to increase, and the U.S. is the world’s largest spice customer, and imports 60% of its annual spice needs.

The good news is that spices pack a whole lot of health beneﬁts with very little calorie intake. The forecast by most analysts is that spices will keep climbing the market ladder as home cooking becomes more popular, and the number of culturally more adventurous cooks and chefs continues to rise.

SAFFRON and friends

A LITTLE SPICE, A LOT OF BENEFITS! Turmeric – antioxidant, helps reduce cholesterol and inﬂammation. Paprika – improves circulation. Oregano – antibacterial and antioxidant. Rosemary – stimulates immune system. Poppy Seed – stimulates appetite. Thyme – helps digest fatty foods. Cloves – painkiller, alleviates nausea. Basil – anti-inﬂammatory, helps defenses against asthma. Star Anise – diuretic, reduces gas. Cinnamon – balances blood sugar. Cumin – memory enhancer. Lemon grass – promotes digestion of fats. Sea salt – slows bacterial growth. Sumac – anti-fungal, antioxidant. Tarragon – Sedative, anti-spasmodic. Red pepper – enhances memory. Lavender – alleviates symptoms of anxiety and insomnia. Fenugreek – relieves sore throat, prevents gas. Dill – helps prevent growth of bacteria. Allspice – balances blood sugar. Ginger - stimulates lymph glands. Chives - reduces cholesterol.

Ye l l o w S a f f l o w e r

Cardamom Star Anise

Fe n n e l S e e d s Himalayan Salt

Paprika

Cloves Tu r m e r i c R o o t

Ta r r a g o n

Thyme

Sumac

T h e Fa c e l e s s Tr a v e l e r

I t ' s a l l a b o u t t h e t h i n g s t h a t le ave a n i m p re ss i o n ! It's not

about who I am. It's about

w h e re I go.

Hacienda Del Mar | Cabo San Lucas, Mexico The picture above says it all for me about this resort. The food, in general, pleasantly surprised me. Get one of the cottages if you can, they come with a separate living room, kitchen, and a cool little patio to relax on. However, what will have me going back to Hacienda Del Mar is its private beach and the fact that they provide full service to your lounge chair on the beach. Yes! Full service bar, and food served to you all day, as you lounge on the beach under the umbrella that the staff brings for you. The Ceviche served along with the cold Mojitos make it possible to spend all your days at that spot, on the beach, buying a few handmade items from sellers that come by, gazing at the blue water and contemplating life. And, frankly wanting to do nothing else. This is a great, low stress, R&R spot that stole my heart a littleâ&#x20AC;Ś.unexpectedly!

The bar at A . R . Va le n t i e n

The Lodge | La Jolla, California Kilt-wearing doormen and La Jolla beaches nearby make The Lodge at Torrey Pines a favorite spot among those who enjoy a combination of golfing and sunbathing! This is a popular brunch spot for locals and many returning patrons go back for the fine dining offered by A.R. Valentien, OpenTable Diner’s Choice Winner of 2017, with Executive Chef Jeff Jackson creating changing menus based on fresh seasonal availabilities. I, however, love the little bar at Valentien above all other things at The Lodge. It’s small. Cozy is a perfect word for it, with an understated elegance. The service is always stellar, the copper bar top always makes me want to take pictures and appeals to my senses more than a bar texture and style should…. Bottles always lined up perfectly. Shining in the background. Somehow, they always have the freshest raspberries I have ever seen. And every drink they make using them goes down smoothly and feels amazing specially on a hot summer day before a late brunch! Their service is detail oriented and friendly, and their cocktail menu remains a favorite. Aside from golf, handcrafted woodwork, rocky cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and Dylbar who makes the best raspberry drinks make me go back, because frankly I am not at all a golf enthusiast!

F o u r S e a s o n s | Wa s h i n g t o n , D. C . Something happens when an establishment takes an extra step to provide great service to meet your speciﬁc needs. One tends to remember that beyond all things. A stressful work related trip took me to D.C., and this particular day had started at 5:00 am for me; 5 and ½ hours later, tired and hungry, I was seated at a table at Bourbon Steak. I had already had a full morning… but it was only 10:30 am, still breakfast time. I did not want breakfast. I wanted lunch. A hearty, bordering on heavy, lunch. Noticing, I assume, my facial expression while looking at the menu, my waiter asked if there was something wrong. I explained that I had just realized that it was still early and they were serving breakfast, and I had already had a long day and was craving a nice steak with some sides. He left and came back quickly and said that they would be happy to make me something that I wanted not on the menu! So, I had a rib eye steak with mushroom and spinach for sides, paired with a Malbec, a Cappuccino, fresh watermelon juice. I was hungry! After I got the bill I suddenly craved an espresso, and of course they quickly provided that, on the house, and in possibly the cutest cup I have ever seen! These guys won me over. Period. James Beard award-winning chef and internationally renowned restaurateur Michael Mina spearheads this ship, and he should be proud of the service they provide.

E s p re ss o a t B o u r b o n St e a k

S a i l i n g by The Harbor

Seafor th | San Diego, California One of the most enjoyable and popular activities in San Diego is sailing. It is one of the best ways to enjoy the views, the water, and this most beautiful city; be it as a visitor or as a local. Seaforth Boat Rentals allows you to rent out sailing boats, of all sizes, with or without a captain. Personally, I always prefer sail boats with captains, because it allows me to enjoy a little champagne and the waves rolling by! Seaforth provides great service, the captains are knowledgeable, and if you gather a group of friends, it is a truly relaxing and fun experience. As you pack the food and your wine, skip the red. Apply plenty of sunscreen, not all boats have a cover and you are out on the water for a long time. You will be surprised how quickly the time passes. I recommend waving at some other boats passing by just for the pleasure of seeing just about everyone wave back! You can be out there on the water for up to 8 hours, so be sure to have plenty of water and food, and pack a hat. And, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t forget to charge your phone, lots of views for pictures.

i generally avoid

T E M P TAT I O N

unless

I CAN'T RESIST IT. Mae West

SILENCE

b y C y nt h i a M a lo ne

T H E S I L E N C E B E T W E E N U S Clocks ticking. Dishwashers running. Horns beeping. Leaves rustling. iPhone chiming. Music playing constantly in the background of your local bar, restaurant, or grocery store. We are hardly ever in complete silence. Even turning off all the noises I can control in my home, the world moves. Birds chirp. Breezes blow. Cars woosh by. Constant noise and the influx of sound has made silence a strange thing to many people. Think of why we call it awkward silence. Why does it have to be awkward? When we are nervous and people are silent, why do we feel the urge to talk more to fill the void? If the music stops while we’re shopping, why do we look up at the ceiling and wonder why it’s so strangely quiet. Music, sounds, and background noise have become our normal. Many who have grown up in cities filled with noise, when they escape to the countryside or the mountains for a weekend getaway suddenly find sleepless nights in the newly found silence! Bruce Fell, a lecturer at the School of Communication and Creative Industries reported on a study of 580 undergraduate students taken over a six-year period and the results showed that the “constant accessibility and exposure to background noise has created a mass of people who fear silence.” Drs. Michael Bittman and Mark Sipthorp from the University of England and the Australian Institute of Family Studies further argue that “the need for noise and [their] struggle with silence is a learned behavior.” Non-verbal silence can make or break us. Job interviews, arguments with friends or lovers and the way we come across to people as we interact with them can change others’ perception of us for the better or worse. There are varying types of silences but overall the awkward silence may be the most recognized and loathed, especially during dates. Psychologists have studied this unsettling and uncomfortable dynamic and it’s comforting to know we are not alone in this. Research suggests that it all comes down to not wanting to feel excluded and wanting to feel 'being part of a consensus'. Humans are social creatures and one degree or another we long to be part of the pack. We want to be someone who makes people laugh, not someone who makes people cringe, nor do we wish to experience these moments. The key component to all this is the disruption of conversational flow. The Journal for Experimental Social Psychology has shown that this ‘social flow’ fosters feelings of belonging, social validation, control, and self-esteem. This theory was tested with two studies.

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One study looked at a fluent conversation being disrupted by a silent moment or not disrupted. The silence was to occur after the speaker made a mildly controversial statement. In the flow condition, one of the participants was to continue the conversation on a previous topic without pause, therefore, continuing the flow of conversation. In the disrupted flow condition, the same thing occurred but after a small period of silence. After each scenario, the participant’s emotions were assessed based on negative or positive scores. Disrupted conversations increased negative feelings and even a brief pause or disruption to the flow can be interpreted as ‘rejection’ even if there is no exclusion from conversation. Think about this; the person who has made the remark could feel shame in doing so but how deeply that goes depends on the reaction of the group. Likewise, the group can feel hesitant in how to react based on whether there is a pause or not. There have always been situations where we aren’t sure what others could be thinking, therefore, nobody says a word and awkward silences ensue. But, maybe we should re-think how we think about silences! With so many of us being prone to noise and distraction, what can be done about it, if anything? This may be a personal choice, but more and more studies are showing the importance of mindfulness for the body and mind. In a recent study, to examine the relationship between dispositional mindfulness and regional gray matter volume in a sample of adults, results showed that individuals who practiced mindfulness, over an eight-week study, had smaller right amygdala volumes. Therefore a smaller amygdala reflects potential for reduced stress activity in individuals who engage in mindfulness practice. As the amygdala grew smaller the pre-frontal cortex became thicker. We could view it as this; primal responses of fear and stress were replaced with thoughtful ones; the negative was replaced by the positive. Since we are so overwhelmed by noise from birth and we know that this can create an adverse reaction to silence, maybe we can use this knowledge to teach our children, and ourselves that silence really is golden. At least some of it. Silence can be nurtured and it can be incorporated into our lives, perhaps we can embrace it a little and not be so scared of the long pauses or awkward silences that sometimes happen between us all and with ourselves.

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all the ways in which we b.ehave

the b. quarterly

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the b. quarterly

BQ2 | Psychology + Lifestyle

Articles inside

Brain Hacking by M.K. Angeles

The Mad Genius by Paula H. Cookson

Catfishing by Paula H. Cookson

Psychology in Movies & Media - A Q&A with Dr. Colleen Mullen

The Childfree Choice by Paula H. Cookson

Ghosting by M.K. Angeles

The Art of Self Sabotage by Daniel Sher

The Freedom Sculpture - A Candid Talk with Farhad Mohit

Embracing Death by Daniel Sher