Out of School Into Hell

How does the future look for law graduates? The Hilarian’s resident Nostradamus, Malcolm Middleton, peers into his opaque ball to give you a sneak peek, some advice and some heart-warming, pithy observations about life.

LOOK THE PART

In the future, look the part! Sydney Boots, Allen Edmonds – non-tailored suits are a style mistake! For women, dress to suit the tastes of the majority of senior lawyers at your chosen firm. Ensure you have the money, upbringing and background to not only understand style faux pas, but to ‘vote with your wallet’ to elect a newer, better, stronger you! Wear a sneer developed through a life without fear of violence, sport a golf club membership and get cracking.

PREVAILING ECONOMIC CIRCUMSTANCES

I’m looking a little further down the track, and the economy’s good (for some): if you work hard your wealth is very likely to grow, honest. This rule applies doubly so for young people, who, where they exceed, are especially declared to have worked extra hard, been innovative and made good choices!

Industrial relations, employment, work conditions and wages are only expected to improve (for some), with no end in sight. This is evinced in the reliable application of more of the tried and proven economic policies a select few know and trust, brought to you by two rival schools of governance who have reached an economic consensus and are made up of smart, capable people with sincere beliefs who speak eloquently and want to work together for a better country, we promise! You can trust these people, they have law degrees!

KNOW PEOPLE

Network, network, network! What more needs to be said? Graduates in the next decade should begin networking at least a generation before they’re

born, retroactively having their parents meet and get to know cool, vibrant, upwardly mobile, powerful people! Otherwise you can go out and use your youth to your advantage – find the upmarket bars that they frequent and let them network you (if you don’t feel up to this, maybe network them some private snaps) – do what it takes to get a job!

UNPAID INTERNSHIPS

I’m looking forward to the future – but my eyesight is going bad. My only advice in this regard is to make sure you have the time, inclination and gall to work for free, demonstrating your commitment and passion for commercial law, or whatever. The unpaid internship is a creative approach to working arrangements – like uber, the open plan office and the ability to monitor and contact employees at all times.

Over the last decade unpaid internships have become normal, and people our age haven’t even realised that they’re actually a really amazing way of obtaining free labour with little benefit to the intern. Because the law student of tomorrow will have less ‘traditional’ power as one of many alienated, separate pawns in a pool of hundreds of thousands of potential applicants – unpaid work will be the hot new trend for law graduates. Apply now, get your head start!

PSYCHOMETRIC TESTING

Make sure you get good at like finding patterns in weird squiggly lines and shit.